Tag Archives: attraction

580. Learning to Appreciate Myself

 

Or how I’ve walked through consequences of feeling ‘lonely’ and how I would create relationships from that starting point to where I currently am in transforming such emotional experience into an appreciation, understanding and embracing of myself and others as equals.  

 

I’ve been reflecting on several things these past days and one thing that I want to share about is realizing how I’ve  accepted and allowed to ‘give into’ a point of comfort and in a way ‘settling for the least’ in the past in order to stand in a point of perceived or believed ‘security’, of having ‘no-conflict’, of having certain apparent ‘control’ over someone or a situation and how that has eventually led me to create what I feared happening as the starting point of ‘who I am in my creation,’ which might seem like something ‘shitty’ to happen in one’s life, but as I share my story, it’s actually gotten me or ‘forced me’ to be at the place where I eventually had to be at, which is here.

For example, in relationships I had the tendency to create a relationship of dependency with the other person where I would ‘give myself’ to them and attempt to give them that which I believed and perceived they weren’t giving to themselves, which I used as a way to also ‘secure’ the relationship, to make sure they would not ‘run away’ because: no one else was giving that to them, not even themselves. And this is then covered up or disguised as a ‘benevolent act’ of trying to help another or ‘caring’ for another, and it is interesting because I actually knew what I was doing at the time but I would still decide in a conscious way to deceive myself, my self-honesty, and ‘do it anyways’ which is linked to another type of pattern that I’ve faced quite a bit in my life which is ‘rebelling’ against that anyone would advise me to do, where I would automatically just ‘do it because I’ve been told not to’ and not seeing through the actuality of the situation, which of course ends up only in showing myself the consequence of simply ‘doing it’ out of rebellion and not considering reality in its totality – learned lesson.

What I’ve realized in this is that no one can ever ‘warn us’ or ‘tell us’ what to do or not to do, because even if anyone reaches out to say so, we still have the ultimate decision on what we do and create. Therefore it’s actually quite a gift to acknowledge this responsibility, because there is nothing and no one to blame, but it is simply a deep realization that one can only ever deceive oneself. I definitely knew that I had been setting myself up for failure or future consequence and outcomes that would represent or ‘by default’ become the result of my very flawed starting points in, for example, creating a relationship which was standing in the shape of fear, fear of being alone, fear of ‘missing out’ on some experiences etc. or seen as a desire to ‘be complete’ in one way or another.  

If my starting point in my past relationships had been that of seeking a comfort zone where I would not be ‘left alone’ because of making the other person ‘dependent on me’ to ‘be ok within themselves’ and where they would not be in essence ‘good enough’ for themselves, then there was also that possibility of me having a certain control as in ‘ensuring the relationship’ or having this person in my life – apparently, again – which is completely flawed In the sense that it is a deceptive and self-interest starting point, because if I create something from the starting point of fear, wanting to dominate, wanting to control and in essence doing it all from the fear of ‘not being alone’ or ‘fear of being alone’ or ‘missing out’ or whatever else, well! Such apparently hidden starting point would eventually manifest the outcome of me having to stop a relationship because such consequences of choosing a flawed starting point would eventually come out in ways that I could foresee could happen before, but because of holding on to a ‘hope’ – which is in fact holding on to a convenient comfort-zone of wishing and thinking things will ‘go well in the end’ which is translated into ‘I hope that the truth of this deception won’t ever hit the fan’ type of thing – I simply kept the ball of deception rolling. 

But, who am I within such a decision? Yes, I was in fact existing in fear, in the constant suspense of something eventually happening that will force us to ‘break up’ because I simply knew that such possibility was there when I know I am not standing full, complete, whole within myself, but still creating a relationship from having at that time in my life felt ‘alone’ and so creating an idea of taking someone I could ‘support’ and ‘be with’ as a comfort zone masked or disguised as ‘support’ when in fact the actuality is that it was a way to not ‘feel alone’ anymore, which for sure had been a constant in my life up to that point.

So in essence I set myself up for failure in those situations and this is something I was aware of at a conscious level, yet! I did it anyways. And this is the point of self-sabotage that I want to share about as well as a self-reminder of how at times even when there’s this plain awareness of ‘self-sabotage’ about something, I’ve decided to ‘do it anyways’ based on deciding to go for the experience, to make decisions based on fears that are linked to ‘feelings’ and hopes and expectations, which are all non substantial reasons to make a decision such as who you’d like to spend your life with. And I knew it and I did it anyways, and I got my result to in a way bluntly show me and go through the experience of ‘this is what I decided to do, this is what I set myself up for’ which sure, it’s not a ‘pleasant’ experience, but in my case a very necessary one because after repeating this pattern for so many times in my life – almost in every single relationship I’ve had – it was about time I had to face some more ‘real-time’ outcomes that involved not only me and the other person but many more in it so that I could finally take my life seriously in that sense and stop hoping or dreaming of ‘changes’ happening according to my desired outcome.

What I’ve learned from this and from having repeatedly done this in my life is that I in a way decided to go through it almost to prove to myself – once again – why and how this cannot work, going through the somewhat ‘traumatizing’ situation of having to sort out an actual separation even in legal matters to now fully comprehend how ‘easily’ I gave into faith, hope and fear as the starting point of a relationship that had to end the way it did, because my starting point was flawed and I knew it all the way.

Now, something I’ve also learned is to not judge myself for it. I could be whining and saying I ‘lost’ x amount of time of my life, but I’ve instead managed to as with everything take it as a learning curve, getting to understand and see ‘who I was’ in every step of the way of such relationships, and it’s not the ‘me’ that is here as myself any longer – which is great – yet it is still a part of who I had been most of my life and it’s not something that’s just ‘gone’ but it is there and I am aware that I can decide to become that again or not, which is the same with any other patter, situation or conflictive experience within ourselves: we might have ‘gone past it’ now, but as with anything the potential is always there to recreate it if I decide to do so, it’s always up to me.

However I’ve now seen that it is only through this last consequence I created that I managed to ‘finally’ make a click within me and see what I was settling-with essentially. And here it’s not about diminishing or judging, criticizing ‘the other person’ at all. It is about what I decided, what my choices were, what my excuses, reasons and justifications were and how in full awareness of what I was doing and placing myself into, I simply ‘did it anyway’ in a form of blind faith and seeking some benefits and perceived convenience that led me to eventually yes, thankfully and through a sour consequence, burst the bubble and go back to square one of self-honesty.

Where I currently am in my life is definitely a different place, one where I know I would be prone to repeat myself if I follow ‘the same steps’ I’ve followed in my life before when it comes to relationships, and this time I’ve made sure that I get to focus on myself and fully see ‘who am I’ within this ‘aloneness’ point that had gotten me to seek out some kind of dependency before.

How have I gotten to do it? This process if for once ‘it’, there is no other way to get to appreciate me other than getting to know myself, every step of the way, learn to not judge me but understand my decisions, paths, choices and learn from it. Stopping for example creating some kind of obsessions and infatuations about people – of which I’ve been quite prone to do in the past – and instead get to appreciate me, live me, enjoy me, value me and this is something that has taken some time for sure, it’s all about making the decision to see myself with the same pair of eyes that I have tended to look at other people – specially males of course in my case – which I would turn into a form of attraction, desire or even ‘love’ and I’ve continued to test this out as I’ve been sharing in the past months with how I’ve been dealing with some points of ‘attraction’ or dare I call it ‘infatuation’ which has been quite a life-long habit in my life and I’ve finally learned to see it with a different set-of-eyes.

Last night I was watching an interview by another one of those people I have had what I can define as an ‘attraction to’ – yep another artist, etc. – and I definitely enjoy testing ‘who I am’ when seeing them, hearing their words, seeing how they move/express and seeing what moves within me. This time I noticed it has changed from how I would look at the person a few years ago and all that I would get is this slight churning within my solar plexus which is what I’d define as attraction and just leave it at that. Believing that ‘yes I like their personality’ and that’s it, but the reality is that I wasn’t looking any deeper than that because I wasn’t looking WITHIN myself deep enough, I wasn’t seeing myself as living words, I wasn’t seeing myself as these qualities that I actually enjoy about me, but was constantly looking ‘outside of myself’ for that, and the most common way was through creating ‘idols’ as in people I would admire – in the case of women – or develop these infatuations and attractions towards males.

So this time, I realized that what emerged within me was a sense of recognition of the other being for who they are, what they express, how they’ve come to be themselves and simply appreciate it, being thankful as well that there’s people in this world that throughout time I’ve been able to listen to and ‘get to know’ even in these very limited ways like through interviews or their creations and instead of only leaving my experience at a point of ‘excitement’ about them or infatuation, I’ve been able to transform that into a learning, appreciating the words that they are living within and as themselves.

 There was no longer that ‘desire’ in me, or that fleeting energetic bubble bursting up, in fact after I decide to face this ‘attraction’ in seeing, hearing them I am able to make a clear decision of changing the way in which I see another human being and instead turn that into an ‘embracing’ of sorts, which now that I see it is also what I would like any other person to do onto myself as well. I would definitely not want to be in their shoes and having someone being infatuated and obsessed ‘with me,’ because that surely is quite a point of separation to exist in, as I was existing in in terms of the actual relationships I formed and the relationships that I’d create in my mind in relation to all of these people that at one point or another I developed relationships with in my mind for the most part.

So, after watching that interview I realized how much I had transformed people – well males specifically – into objects of desire, of wanting to ‘possess’ someone because of what I believed I would get ‘from them,’ whereas now I am definitely at a place where there’s this self-fulfillment where I no longer go seeking this ‘other person’ to ‘fulfill me’ or ‘give me’ or ‘be for me’ that which I haven’t been able to live for myself. I can only now share myself, walk with, learn from and possibly contribute back, but that’s about it, there’s no ‘need’ any longer as I used to experience it in the context of personal relationships.

I’ve also seen how there has been this tendency throughout my life of expecting someone to ‘come into my life’ and appreciate me, value me for all that I am and have been through or have realized about myself, and every single time there’s that expectation within me, I’ve ended up disappointed, because it’s of course a flawed starting point, a desire for ‘someone else’ to do that which I hadn’t done for myself which is again appreciate me, enjoy me, be actually quite ‘fascinated’ by myself – and not in the narcissist kind of way lol – but in truly realizing that: I cannot ever fully share every single detail and moment of my life that I only know how I’ve gone through it, what I’ve developed within myself in every step of the way and have another ‘appreciate me’ for that. I can only do that for myself because I am the only one that has always ever been there with me, and this self-relationship and realization of ‘I got me and I will always do’ is quite a substantial one that I had known and become aware of at a ‘theory’ level, but I had not genuinely expressed that as a true form of embracing, gratitude and appreciation to myself, which is see if very much here now which I now am able to extend to anyone else according to what I express and give first to me. Which is how I realized I was able to change the ‘pair of eyes’ with which I look at people – again specially males I’ve been attracted to – and take from each ‘what’s best’ what words I see I can integrate from them within myself and ‘complete me’ that way, get to live what I yearned of others.

How does this ‘feel’ like or ‘translates’ to? Being comfortable with myself, with being alone as well and so being comfortable towards others too. I used to be the kind that was constantly yearning to not be alone or be in a relationship to have some constant companion and something to ‘focus on’ or ‘be for’, but I’ve realized and seen how I am quite fine by myself and that translates to being also quite fine and comfortable when being with a partner. Surely, I enjoy being sharing, expressing with another but even that would not be a constant point of stability, enjoyment, sharing and expression if I had not first developed myself within this path I just described and gotten to start living these words for and as myself first, so that a relationship therefore doesn’t become another ‘dependency’ point which I’m seeing is definitely possible as well and something that’s quite ‘new’ to me too.

Many times people having similar patterns to the one I’ve just described in relation to ‘relationships’ as the ‘weakness point’ in one’s life, we tend to make of relationships that ‘completion’ point, and I’ve been looking at this quite intently and testing myself out in the way I see people that for example I used to be ‘attracted to’ because of liking their expression or their skills or ‘ways of being’ and principles, values etc. And last night as I mentioned, I realized I no longer turn that into some kind of ‘physical attraction’ or ‘desire’ to have a relationship with that person, but instead has become a seeing within another their potentials, their ‘wisdom’ if you will as their very unique and individual experiences and expression. I decided to no longer look at another through the eyes of ‘infatuation’ or ‘I want to have a relationship with you so that I can have that which I see you are/have,’ but instead I take the words that I see or perceive they are embodying and living and make them part of myself, and some other things I simply appreciate them for, for what they stand for and do which at times it’s something quite unique and that I can only see and understand is an expression of what’s ‘here’ as ourselves and that’s it, embrace it, enjoy it- but not try and ‘possess it’ anymore, which is very liberating.

I am more learning to see people as equals in fact, not as ‘objects of desire’ which is of course a point of separation from myself. I’m learning to see and appreciate others for who they are and no longer go ‘wishing’ or ‘desiring’ a relationship as a ‘short cut’ to actually get to live and be ‘that’ for myself, which is a very cool position to be at really, it stops a lot of the ‘mindfucks’ and instead it has opened myself up a true appreciation of someone’s existence, someone’s expression, someone’s work, someone’s words and experiences for what they are.

I was laughing at myself last night when seeing this because I never thought I would be in that position of being able to ‘appreciate’ another human being at that level, where it is devoid of a ‘feeling’ or ‘fears’ but simply in the expression of ‘I see you’ and in a way appreciating ‘who they are’ as their expression, that ‘role’ or part of life they represent. I used to be the kind that would even disregard everything that I’ve learned from fellow humans in my ever-constant idea that there was ‘no point’ in life and that we should all just be doomed to be washed away from the face of the Earth. It’s been a long walk since I was living that kind of statements, I was sooo limited! So veiled by my own emotions and minimized view of myself and so of the rest of the world, but I don’t judge it, it’s just what it is, I am rather thankful and grateful I didn’t give up on myself and have continued to push through and get to where I am now.

It is so that I could not have gotten myself to see, express and realize these things before at all, it’s all ‘here’ right now as a result of all the years of self work through and with the Desteni tools and yes, some very necessary consequences in my life, some ‘hard spots’ to go through for me to understand the starting point of my creation and the consequences that I create when making decisions based on desires, hope, feelings and fears and now realizing more about myself, getting to appreciate myself more than ever before – not to place my on a pedestal as superiority here either – but simply in that realization of how I’ve come to where I am currently and no longer judging me for all of the past decisions, mistakes, deception that I’ve participated on, but understanding it as what in a way I decided to walk through to teach me something, to show me in real time and manifested consequences what happens if I miss ‘myself’ in the equation of my life and so instead turn that ‘missing’ into a me-is-here, realizing I’ve got potential, I decide what to live and express, up to me and my possibilities and willingness to do it, which is in fact a very liberating and expansive realization.

Thanks for reading.

 

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577. Creative Expansion

Or reflecting on the nature of absolutism and how to learn from others to transform it into a supportive expression

I had a laugh with myself while listening to this audio here My Life of Absolutism (Part 3) – Life Review because I tend to do so when something or someone reflects me back to myself in such an accurate way, and it also can be a temporary way to cope with the blunt image of myself through someone else’s words to then take it through an actual assimilation of what that description of this person as being an ‘absolutist’ means and the consequences it created in his life. I could see myself in his shoes and even wondered that if I had been a male, I would have probably taken it even one step further just like he did towards people.

An interesting thing that has also been quite present for the past month or so is my relationship with people that to me represent the opposite of ‘absolutism,’ people that are more ‘free flowing’ or have learned to stand in the system yet ‘twist it from within’ and not in an antagonistic manner, but more like being able to stand within it/as it and change it from within or assist in reflecting back the nature of the system in a fun way evidencing that there is something we have to change about it within ourselves.

I’m talking about artists for the most part and how there are times when I create specific ‘fixations’ towards certain artists/people/individuals that appear ‘attractive’ to me but not in a physical attraction mode only, but more in the sense of looking at the words they rare living and expressing in how they live/who they are, at least in anything that I have access to at the moment.

I noticed that I created this same experience towards an artist called Morten Traavik, who to me initially appeared to be quite the ‘absolutist’ kind, very frank, direct, diplomatic yet almost ‘militant’ in how he approaches things but not within the context of aligning to ‘how things are’ but in the context of transgressing the system, without opposing it but ‘hacking it from within’ with a lot of finesse so to speak. He’s managed to create artistic projects with North Korea who are supposed to be this very closed-up and censoring nation, and has managed to create artistic events between his country Norway and North Korea, all of it through him creating relationships of trust over time with the people there. He said something quite interesting in one of his talks “if real dialogue is what you want, then you have to be prepared to learn from people you don’t like” and

“If you really want to test your own limits of tolerance and to try something new and something fresh, deal with somebody you would not like to deal with”

A lot of what absolutism represents to me is a unilateral perspective on what I’ve believed is ‘my way’ as ‘the right way’ and ‘how things have to be’ where I’ve invariably created a counter-part that I’ve then by default defined as ‘the opposite’ of everything I’ve stood for, and I didn’t realize how I was ‘by default’ again creating this separation by becoming absolutist in my ways.

The reason why I didn’t question this before is because I judged the things I stood for as ‘the right ones’ as the ‘noble ones’ and the principles that ‘everyone should stand by and live for’ which made it difficult for me to realize how I was in fact at the same time becoming rigid, unilateral, constricted and limited within such militant stance – not that the word ‘militant’ is ‘bad’ either because I found there is a way to live it without the ‘absolutism’ in it, which at the same time leads me to say that it’s not that absolutism cannot be redefined either, both words can be lived in a supportive manner which I’ll get to explain later on.

So, what does that ‘attraction’ represented to me in this time of my life? And I have to here outline that it’s not the usual kind of attraction as it’s usually experienced, but it’s more of a curiosity to want to know more about the person, how they got to be ‘who they are’ and express/live the way they do, which to me is a representation of self-trust through having had a lot of experiences of ‘going for it’ to create things and finding out what works, what doesn’t work, but overall Daring to do so, which is something I’ve been writing about. But I find it very useful to take on examples from other people living certain words in their lives to see how they ‘got to do so’ in practical terms. That’s how I’ve transformed a merely superficial experience of ‘attraction’ into actually getting to see what words that person that I am creating this experience towards is living that I can integrate and live for myself as well.

I wanted to share about Morten because in the way that he works and how he relates to people, he’s quite political in nature and I can see myself having similar stance and ways, yet he is not standing within the ‘current system’ of politics as is, but has taken his current position from within the system to hack it, to use it to expand its horizons, to expose it, to transgress it and to me that is quite innovative and takes a lot of guts.  

I would very much like to do something like that, maybe not in ‘the same way’ he’s managed to do at those political and diplomatic levels, but in my own context and current living situation, while also considering potentials for the future in it.

I got to know of him through watching the Laibach documentary going to play in North Korea called ‘Liberation Day’ which I definitely enjoyed, more so from the perspective of what this whole event represents ‘for the world’ in politics and culture and seeing the role that the film’s director had in it all, which is Morten in this case.

The band in itself represents an artistic mirror for fascism by becoming it, not going ‘against it’ but fully embodying it to then make art within/as it and expose it to itself. I consider that’s been quite a unique way of doing art and that’s how I’ve also looked at words like absolutism and militant which somehow I can resonate with a lot, but not within the context of the actual control they imply to limit, to exist in fear, to dictate, but more as expressions I can use to stand as that resolve, that rotund expression of life, of ‘this is who I am and what I stand for’ without standing ‘against’ anything or anyone, but learning to embrace and be flexible in it all at the same time, which may sound contradictory in theory, but that’s where the challenge begins, to stop seeing things ‘black or white’ and instead live words, aspects of words, what’s best for the words within a supportive starting point. It’s like learning to transcend those limitations created through those words/concepts by using them at the same time. I can live those words in a supportive manner as well.

What this artist represents to me is the courage to do what no one else would have maybe dared to do, to transcend limits that have been imposed through politics and cultural definitions and directly work with the people, establishing relationships with ‘the unthinkable’ which is represented in the quotes I placed from him above.

To me those are key words because I’ve become so used to ‘follow my own lines’ that I know I am limiting myself in my self-creation process if I only think in those ‘usual terms’ and that’s definitely the challenge here for me: to step out of ‘myself’ and see reality with a different pair of eyes, which means, stopping living in an absolutist manner where I think that ‘where I am and how I am is the right way and with the right principles and there’s nothing else to look at discovering or changing’ which of course also makes my life boring, because I am creating my own stagnation if I don’t dare to challenge even those tenets that I believe are ‘who I am and will always be’ by now… now that’s really pushing the envelope to me and even writing about it a little bit of an experience wants to emerge in the sense of saying ‘”Nooo! you can’t do that!” But who decides, really, who’s the real policeman in my head?

I have learned from innovative and ‘ahead of our time’ people – mostly artists – that in order to get anywhere, one has to dare to do things that would have been conceived as impossible or ‘out of the norm’ or ‘going against the tide’ by most – but without the antagonism in itself, because it’s not about fighting the system, not about just criticizing it – but having the cunning ways and skills to be entirely and fully into it to step into that self-authority of being in it but not of it, which is what I’ve seen Morten has managed to do with his art and projects, getting to speak  to certain ‘authorities’ in events about politics and culture and stand in the podium and make everyone question if the term ‘cultural diplomacy’ is in fact a paradox lol – that’s the kind of people that from my perspective we all need in all areas/spheres of our lives and this world, daring to have some guts to stand in those ‘echelons’ and speak things as they are, and that involves some words like courage, understanding, confidence, self-trust, frankness to express that, without holding his own views as ‘the right ones’ but in fact mentioning the importance of learning from each other for growth and expansion – his own words there.

I’ve never stopped referencing people that I’ve come to ‘admire’ or ‘be attracted to’ in order to see what words are they living that I can integrate into my own life and live it as myself. And most of them are artists or creative people in the formal sense of the world, which confirms that I am at the right place in what I choose to continue forming myself as and being within the realm of arts, and understanding art as self-creation from the individual to the existential sense, and I am rather grateful there are human beings I get to know and have relationships with that have challenged myself over the years to step out of my own cocoon, because every time it has pushed me to see life differently.

I’d find it very difficult if not impossible to do that if I was ‘a man living on an island’ so to speak, being alone and this is when I am grateful for every person that dares to put themselves out there, their creations, their experiences that I can reference and learn from, be it through artistic expressions like arts, music, films, documentaries or sharing their own writings in walking through their minds and day to day experience. To me that’s one way where I go opening myself up from this absolutism and rigid ways in which I’ve come to exist and go embracing more ways, more perspectives that can assist me to expand, grow and develop myself to where I definitely want to be living in and expressing as in my life, which I have no finite or settled outcome for, because I will precisely be flexible in testing out various ways while having a ‘settled direction’ which is to support myself, to push my own limits, to find out ‘who I am’ in my decisions and choices, learn from mistakes and  live life that way in the best way I can create for me and so for others at the same time – no longer having this finite ‘idea’ about myself or ‘who I should be’ because that is absolutist in nature, it is restrictive – but have an open floor from which I can allow myself to flow with it, to learn to trust myself in it, to dare to do things, to not ‘fear’ and be scared of stepping out of my eggshell and really live life without fear, because that’s the point that absolutism represents to me ultimately, a dimension of fear as control that I ultimately have to let go of in order to really grow.

 What does living in an absolutist and militant manner mean to me currently? Being absolute in my resolution, self-trust and capacity to walk through/ live through something and find who I am in it, in a holistic way – not half-assed, but testing out something fully, to live fully in a way which can only be done from my perspective if letting go of fear. To persevere, to stick to what I plan on doing, to be focused and determined in creating something and getting to see the result of it as my creation and be responsible in it, to own it as ‘my creation’ for the better or to learn from it as a mistake. To be efficient and patient at the same time acknowledging the work and dedication anything in this creation requires, so that’s a way in which I can be absolute and militant in my stance, without the morals, the fears, the judgments and self-imposed limitations I had lived as before.

And how do I eventually walk out of this ‘fixation’ towards a particular person? Once that I start living those words/aspects I see them living and integrate them into my own life, so, that’s what I’ll do from here on within my own life, living context and capacity.

Thanks for reading and, definitely have a listen to these supportive audios to reflect back on one’s own absolutism and so see where and how one can start creating the first steps to expand and grow out from it into a supportive manner.

My Life of Absolutism – Life Review

My Life of Absolutism (Part 2) – Life Review

My Life of Absolutism (Part 3) – Life Review

 

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542. Living Expression

 

§  Continuing from: 530. The Secret Behind Attraction

 

I have identified the word ‘expressive’ with a set of personality traits where a person speaks in an assertive, directive manner and using mannerisms that look somewhat ‘effusive’ or ‘extroverted’ to me, like moving hands, doing various facial expressions, even being humorous as well. Now, all of these are aspects or traits when looking at them as something I merely react to in a positive manner, which leads me to create an assumption or judgment that the person is ‘expressive’ or ‘outgoing.’ However, this is only what I can perceive in a moment of a person’s expression – I realize that it does not represent what it actually means to be expressive. This initial approach I just described above would be a form of confinement to the potential that we all exist as in the word expressive. Now, what does that mean?

When investigating my feeling-based reaction that I’ve experienced towards people that present this kind of qualities – I have seen how I’ve actually at times gone into a bit of a ‘sinking’ next to them, when interacting with them or observing them, because of considering that no one can ‘top their expression,’ which unfolds in reacting within inferiority, which is an indication that I’ve separated myself from my own potential expression and therefore, judge someone else’s as ‘desirable.’

This is also why I’ve been debunking my own set of beliefs around these words I had felt ‘intimidated’ by or creating a form of ‘attraction’ towards and instead, directing myself to clear out their meaning for me and take those words back to self, which means realizing that we all have the ability to live these words in a self-supportive manner, and not only as some kind of ‘show’ for others or personality trait, but as a genuine expression of who we really are, which is also expression as a process in itself.

Part of what I’ve learned in this process within Desteni is to understand expression in self-honesty, wherein one actually goes ‘reverse engineering’ one’s preferences as likes and dislikes, our emotional and feeling reactions to virtually everything in our lives, and we can then spot what kind of energetic experience motivates us, essentially looking at what exists behind every thought, word and deed in our lives.

It has been a very grounding and supportive process for me to do this, to realize how much of what I deemed ‘my expression’ was motivated –in my case – as a ‘show for others,’ or a form of ‘mask’ that I could put on to be liked or accepted by others, seeking appreciation, approval, seeking relationships out of need or dissatisfaction with myself, wanting to appear as ‘more’ than what I was truly experiencing within myself in certain moments… and the list could go on.

So, upon going understanding and seeing clearly ‘what motivates me’ in my life and noticing all of these fears or desires as starting points, what was left was a decision within me to self-forgive all those fears, judgments, desires and instead, apply myself to now learn what it means to be the starting point of my expression, what it means to direct myself to do something for and as myself – in other words having no ‘fear’ or ‘judgment’ or ‘desire’ as a motivation to do something anymore – but instead genuinely in a moment decide to do something and live it, do it, ‘go for it’ in other words and create it, express it – of course in consideration of what’s best for all, in common sense and self-honesty, essentially making decisions that are supportive – not just ‘random’ stuff that could be consequential, lol.

This might sound too simplistic in words, but it can actually be a challenging process for most of us that have conditioned our very decision to move and do something in our lives for something or someone else but ourselves.

An example on changing this starting point is how I initially decided to start painting and get into arts to avoid being bored, to cope with being alone one summer at home and also desiring to someday be very famous and well known and travel the world and the rest of it. Of course this doesn’t mean that I now have to stop doing any art because I had a flawed starting point –which by the way, I actually did stop for a while because of thinking it wasn’t valid anymore in my life, lol – but in self-honesty one learns to then realize we can change that starting point or ‘reason’ for why we do things or ‘who we are’ within doing art in this case and so, learn to be my own starting point, learn to express myself as art, which means not doing it to ‘get’ an experience or ‘avoid myself’ or ‘expect’ me escalating my position in my society, but simply as an expression, a movement, a decision, a realization that I work on for myself.

Changing this starting point in whatever we do, make, say and think in order to make it an expression of ourselves is actually easier said than done of course, because we’ve mostly learned to do things ‘in separation of ourselves’ – therefore, such a point as being expressive or expressing ourselves may have a huge baggage behind it as a set of reasons to ‘do’ or not to do something – like for example having the starting point of wanting to compete against others to ‘win’ something, to ‘get a relationship’ out of a fear of experiencing loneliness as a ‘negative outcome’ and the list may go on.

These are just examples but the point here is to explain how we are the only ones that can truly be aware of when we are genuine and self-honest in our expression and when we are in fact not so. And this is what has been very supportive for me to understand considering that I had been the kind of person that would use any form of motivation ‘outside of myself’ to express and be in a particular manner to create a ‘show’ of myself for others – but saw little to no point on doing it ‘for myself,’ which as strange as it may sound, it is actually a far more common situation than we would like to accept.

A cool test for myself lately has been the situation of being by myself and not having anyone necessarily being the ‘receptor’ of my expression or ‘expressiveness.’ This has been very cool for me to see what of the things I used to do when having someone else around me most of the times I stopped doing or changed in the ways I would do it because there’s ‘no one else around me’ that could be the witness or receptor of such expression – whether it was something I do or how I express myself in those ‘little moments’ of interaction with others.

I initially saw that I was wallowing into a ‘pointlessness’ considering there was no one to interact with in relation to this expression – but I instead made a decision to apply this realization about self-expression: to be the source and reason of my expression. And so upon the various years of living alone in different phases in my life, I’ve learned to do things for myself, from the way that I care for my own body, how I dress, how I have my surroundings, the food I make for myself, the things I do for fun, the kind of work that I do, hobbies –I’ve learned to have ‘me’ as starting point for these points, of course every now and then having to re-mind myself of that considering how easy it is also to start placing something or someone as the ‘reason’ to do anything in this world in separation of ourselves.

Now, I understand some might say ‘oh isn’t that selfish, doing it only for you?’ but it is not, this is of course within the context of doing things that are supportive in nature and that I then through habits on a daily basis have turned into my own expression, which can be easily translated into ‘who I am, how I am, what I say, how I behave, what I write, how I present myself with people, how I look, how I speak’ within the starting point of being directive in it all and within the consideration of the principles of what’s best for all, being supportive in other words and without making it a point of ego.  

Now going deeper into this word ‘expression’, we express ourselves in every moment. Every moment of breath is self expression, it’s my body expressing itself – every thought, emotion, reaction, judgment, opinion is also a form of expression, an expression of my mind that I’ve learned to now assess and question every time to see how supportive this expression is for one’s life and that of others, which is the self-honest application upon one’s expression and so placing the opportunity back to ourselves to decide: Who do we want to be and How do we really want to contribute to this life and existence in every moment that I am existing?

Being alive is already in itself an expression, it is ourselves existing as a plethora of potentials to develop according to our context, capacity and abilities – but the point is then to expand this word ‘expressive’ not only to a set of characteristics that can be perceived or received by others in only a fraction of interactions in one’s day, but it is about acknowledging that we are in fact expressing ourselves every moment of our day, whether we are aware of it or not.

So, one of the points here I would like to remind myself about is that, even if ‘no one is seeing me’ – apparently – and no one is ‘benefiting’ from my expression as my ‘doings’ in my day to day living, I actually am aware that by the sheer fact of being living in this world where we are in fact all the same – as in one and equal as life – whatever I accept and allow, what I change and correct within my life in common sense, what I work to develop in my life, the words I decide to live, the expressions I decide to fine tune within me, the destructive or self-sabotaging habits I decide to stop and correct within me, the words I choose to use to communicate, the foods that I eat, how I care of my body, the way that I l decide to confront a ‘problem’ or conflict in my life, the way I relate to people around me, the way that I present myself with others, the words that I write, the things I support in the internet, the way that I approach my work, the ideas that I have to create something and who I am in the process of creating something are all ways and forms of self-expression: they are all parts of me and they all stand as an impression or ‘signature’ of who I am in all of it – therefore we are constantly expressing, therefore also communicating with every single one of these in our day to day, it’s how we participate as co-creators of this reality.

That’s the kind of holistic self-awareness to practice in my day to day really, where I continue to align myself as the starting point of what I do within the understanding of being best for myself and so being best for all – and also in being able to enjoy all of this that I do as part of my self-creation process, which is actually something we tend to forget to do many times when we are too busy living ‘for others’ or to ‘get something’ out there, forgetting who we are as life yet to live to its utmost potential, which to me is precisely linked to self-creation, to sculpt ourselves as our creation, to work on our potentials, to fine tune our expression and genuinely learn to live, and so be an example for many more that might be ready to consider doing this for themselves in their own lives.

How to live then the word ‘expressive’ in relation to interactions with others? It’s actually quite simple because once that one walks through this process of self-writing, getting to know ourselves and deciding to change the judgments, limited perceptions, beliefs, opinions that we might create about ourselves or others, what is left is a core expression of oneself as an individual which is the definition of being ‘expressive’ as in not having obstacles to share, to be open, to enjoy, to share the kind of enthusiasm that emerges within oneself when we start ‘piecing ourselves back together’ from the scattered-self as all of the mind-traits that we had defined ourselves by.

Therefore, being expressive is also a result of walking this process using the tools of self-support provided by Desteni and realizing that we actually have much more potential than we thought we had when being only ‘in our minds’ and not yet getting to live who we really are as life, as our physical body – and this is only the start for me, there’s lots to do, fine tune, continue expanding and growing on but so far, best thing I’ve been able to decide to commit to in my life.   

In this, I also learn to not ‘compare’ myself to others’ ways of expressing, but rather learn to appreciate others in their individuality, being aware that I can always enjoy it ‘with them’ while also sharing myself and learning from each other to become better human beings. Interestingly enough that’s very much what we also do as the Desteni community and that to me is definitely an example of what being expressive is about, it all being related to ‘sharing the life’ in one another and the ways in which one lives it, how one works through it, what kind of solutions and paths one creates to continue tapping into one’s potential and that to me is what life and living is all about.  

Thanks for reading.  

 

Enjoy this Desteni Radio episode: Desteni Radio # 22 – Drinking Water and Why Change is Difficult

 

 

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


530. The Secret Behind Attraction

Or how to transform an experience towards another into a learning process that gets us expanding our lives instead of diminishing them

Back to my self-investigation and particularly focusing on relationships and specifically the attraction we can feel towards others and how to turn that back to self- to investigate what are we missing out about our own lives and self-creation when and while creating any form of infatuation, likeness or attraction toward others.

Now this topic is something I started actually writing out in my journal last week, however I recently watched Matti’s video on this same topic Social Media and Impractical Relationship Fantasies, which made me laugh a bit because I have been working on a very similar point – different context yet same outcome. In my case this ‘attraction’ was towards an artist that I became aware of some 2 years ago and upon watching a documentary where he was featured talking and sharing himself doing his ‘day to day’ activities, I got to perceive certain aspects of his expression that I found myself creating a form of attraction to, and I have to be honest in the fact that I’ve watched several interviews with the same guy because of liking his expression and getting to see how he ‘views the world’ so to speak, which frankly it’s not something I even agree with entirely – however it wasn’t so much about what he stands for or how he views life what I was focusing on, but rather his overall presentation and expression.

Over time what happened is that even while being in a relationship, the image of this guy would come up and not in the lovey-dovey type of infatuation, but more so as an expression that I did see myself desiring to see or experience in my life, which means whenever I would see ‘his picture’ coming up in my mind, I would at times kind of embody certain attitudes that I liked about him, which may sound strange but this is not such a defined and refined process to really keep describing, because I didn’t get to apply this fully over time and wasn’t taking this investigation seriously before.

It was only last week that I saw myself again ‘veering’ towards the image/expression of this guy and that’s the time where I decided to take on this point and I started making a list of all the words/aspects I perceive that this guy represented as that kind of expression that I wanted to be or become myself.

Here I am skipping one aspect though for context and in case you haven’t checked out Matti’s video. What we’ve realized in our self-awareness process is that whenever we find ourselves ‘attracted’ to someone it is in fact indicating aspects that we have separated ourselves from, words we haven’t yet lived for ourselves, it indicates expressions that we see or perceive others are living in their lives that we can enjoy and instead of seeing ‘hey how can I become that myself too?’ we respond with a ‘desire’  in ourselves – which yes I’ve also written out before in sounding the word ‘these-i-are’ or desire as in we are or can be what we desire from others.

However the usual way to interpret this experience is creating a mental-‘connection’ with the person, such as desiring a relationship with them or creating an infatuation or obsession about them, when in fact we could instead redefine that to be a set of aspects that we can integrate into our own lives if we see – of course – they are best for our lives and for others as well.

So, here are the words that I’ve essentially ‘separated’ myself from living as myself and some others that I’ve kind of gotten to integrate a bit but not yet fully. Now it is also convenient to say that these are my perceptions based on what I’ve seen of him throughout these interviews and documentaries where he’s featured where I’ve gotten to perceive these words coming through him and it is very cool to instead of having this ‘undefined’ experience towards someone and just dubbing it ‘attraction,’ be able to write out the exact words that I can instead look at within myself and see practical ways to live them myself.

What came up is confidence, passion, comfort (in solitude), self-enjoyment, transparency (no pretense), comfortable in their own skin, authentic, seriousness, funny, creative, expressive, simplicity, adaptable, humble/modest, physical, dedicated.

So, here the point is for me to look at each of these words and establish ways to integrate them and live them for and as myself. This is the way to actually stop creating obsessions, ideas, beliefs about others based on what we only get to see of them either through ‘social media,’ or interviews as in my case, or even if it’s someone you interact with on a daily basis. Before even jumping into the notion of a relationship, it’s best to ensure that one’s approach to that person – in the case of it being a realistic and practical situation – is not coming from a ‘desire’ towards the person because of them representing all of these points that we desire to have ourselves, and so wanting to ‘own’ such expression through ‘owning’ a person in a relationship, which is completely the wrong starting point to be in any relationship to begin with – whether partnership, friendship or else.

It is also very fascinating to realize to what extent we have prevented ourselves from getting to fulfill ourselves, to be who we really want to be and become and learn from others to live words that we perceive others are living – and instead we fall down into the trap of ‘relationships’ and desiring relationships with others based on an idea of us being able to also benefit or ‘have’ such expressions through being in a relationship with another.

It’s not even necessary for me to say that of course it is not so and we are only prone to become addicted, dependent and completely ‘bound’ to someone because of perceiving that another is ‘fulfilling us’ in all of those aspects and words that we haven’t yet instead taken the time and effort to write out and live for and as ourselves, which is what I’m about to do so that I can stop my almost – not almost, actually – 2 year type of ‘image in the mind’ kind of infatuation that would come in ‘waves’ every now and then, and I simply minimized it, didn’t pay attention to it, I reduced it to some kind of infatuation – when in fact I’ve actually found these cool words that I can now work with now for myself.

Another important thing to mention is that everything that I can perceive about another is precisely just that: a perception, a belief of who others are and also not all the ways in which a person presents themselves might be a genuine expression either, though that’s up to each person to align and fine tune within themselves – that’s how the only point I can a certainty of is on the words that I can redefine and live as myself in a genuine manner for my benefit and that of others as well.

The key word for me to start of debunking my own apparent inability to develop these words for myself is ‘admiration’ – where it is in fact implying that I am seeing another as superior, as more than me, as ‘beyond’ my reach – and yes in this case practically speaking definitely not realistic to even conceive a ‘relationship’ nor would it be the right starting point for me to pursue any of it even if ‘possible’ – however I can definitely apply self-forgiveness for this ‘ad-miring’ or ‘seeing another as more’ based on how I perceive them, forgetting all about our equality and oneness wherein another being represents potentials of who we can also be and develop ourselves to express if we so decide to work on it.

In this case this guy’s life and context is of course completely different to my own, which means it’s not like I’ll become ‘him’ in any way lol, but rather adapt those words based on my own context, life and living purpose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘admire’ another human being for the qualities, words, aspects that I consider they embody and that I have believed I cannot live and integrate in my life, which is a massive point of limitation considering that any other human being is an equal to myself and that I have the potential of being able to develop these aspects/words that I’ve seen in others and work on integrating them, living those words and aspects in my own life, according to who I am and what I am dedicating myself to be and do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in inferiority whenever I have accessed the notion of ‘admiring’ another wherein I am placing someone else in a pedestal, making them ‘superior’ to myself – therefore making myself inferior by default– and at the same time believing that if I was to ever try and ‘be like them’ I would not succeed, it would not come out the same way and therefore, I would have to simply not even try to learn from them. Which is also another limitation here because it is not about copying attitudes or ways of living from others, or doing exactly ‘what they do’ in order to be fulfilled and satisfied within ourselves, it’s about taking those words, aspects of them that we can integrate in our very own lives, in our context, according to our day to day experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive that those aspects I have admired of another are ‘intimidating’ which is in fact representing more of the energetic reaction that we perceive as ‘feeling attracted’ to someone else feels like, where we are in fact reacting, not knowing how to ‘relate’ to certain expressions and so what comes up is fear, intimidation, feeling ‘less than’ instead of realizing that this intimidation is something I can change from ‘being in fear’ to rather embracing another’s expression as ‘another me,’ an expression embodied in an individual that will certainly not be ‘like any other one’ because it is futile to compare ourselves or anyone to others; as well as considering that this expression is something that I can integrate, adapt and fine tune according to who I am, my principles, my individual expression, wherein the other person becomes only a reference of how it is possible to live certain words, yet not making them an absolute guideline for me to ‘be exactly like that’ but more in the sense of expanding my own expression and potential into all of these aspects and see how I can create myself with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to confuse seeing the potential of certain words and expressions in another and define it as an ‘attraction towards another’ instead of realizing it is in fact a reaction that we create to forever separate ourselves from living such potential as ourselves, on our own lives.

This means that from now on whenever any form of ‘attraction’ emerges even in fleeting moments towards apparently ‘unrealistic individuals,’ I still can simply direct myself to make a list of words that I’ve identified the other person with and work on them myself, and that’s the way to bring the points ‘back to self’ instead of lingering for a long time with a certain idea of desire or ‘attraction’ without any resolution to it.

So, I’ll continue opening up these words and seeing how exactly I perceive I am ‘not that  yet’ and how I can work on integrating them, living them as myself according to my life and individual context.

 

Thanks for reading

 

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


475. Self Commitment in Relationships

Or how to walk through distractions from developing one’s relationship with oneself and another.

 

My point in this process is definitely personal relationships, that’s the ‘weakness’ or ‘weak point’ that I am now in a phase of my life that I have decided to create and stand in to strengthen myself as well as walking with my partner that is walking his own process of becoming a better person as  he has expressed it. I recognize that my relationship is assisting me in precisely learning to transcend a lot of the relationship programming that I have accumulated throughout time and from my past experiences to discover a whole aspect of myself that I hadn’t yet lived in a relationship before, because of still sticking to playing particular roles based on fears or desires within relationships.  

Giving a step of further commitment in a relationship has also been an entirely new terrain that I had placed myself to walk through once before in such consideration, but it didn’t work out as expected though I learned a lot from that one experience to prepare myself for the one I am in now. This commitment in a relationship to one person  sometimes seems outdated or plain fearful to many because one perceives that one is then locked with another for a lifetime and there’s no way around it and one has to ‘stick with it’ no matter what. But, I’ve realized how as with everything a relationship has to be devoid of expectations, beliefs, traditions, cultural ways that can also infiltrate an idea of what a relationship has to be or what a commitment is and how it is represented.

I like the perspectives that were given in a hangout about relationships being something that lasts forever and how these fellow Destonians shared perspective that enabled me to understand how a relationship is something that is assessed and evaluated as one goes living in it. It takes a lot of self honesty here because I’ve been there myself so many times wherein when I am being challenged in my own ways, and the usual thing was to react to those conflicts and  deliberately sabotaging the relationship, giving up on it and not pushing through the difficult times to take my own responsibility in the co-creation process. I’ve been there before in situations of leaving a ‘back door open’ for someone else while in a relationship and the ripple effects this creates even if perceiving oneself to be fully committed and only considering it in one’s mind – as well as acting out on those intentions as well.

This time in the relationship I am in, I’ve been challenged in many ways, to the core of myself dare I say and this is exactly what I wanted in fact, someone that could assist me to outgrow the old me in relationships, with my plethora of expectations and desires of particular ‘ways’ to live a relationship that I have slowly but surely come to redefine into something that is quite new for me and comfortable to say the least, it’s like living with another ‘me’ as in having no particular relationship towards that other person in the old-ways or approaches I had to past partners which would turn into a rollercoaster of conflicts and mixed emotions – and that’s been quite refreshing to me as well.  Here also to remind myself that I can in no way compare anything or anyone for that matter, this is always a trick of our minds to keep us ‘captive’ in ghosts of the past, instead of focusing on what’s here, very much physical and alive to live.

However here a point I walked for myself as a very personal aspect in my writings is ensuring that I am not keeping a ‘door open’ or ‘see possibilities’ outside of my current relationship and reality. Here it is realizing what it means to feed or give one’s time and breath to think about ‘what ifs’ or potential other experiences in relationships, it is about realizing that I am committing to myself, to for the first time fully stick to my principles of self-honesty and the agreement that I have with myself and so with another to stand clear in a relationship without hidden agendas or intentions to ‘keep other possibilities in mind’ or ‘available’ in our lives, not even in a thought-manner.

This is one of those parts of myself that  I have ‘minimized’ or seen as insignificant, thinking I can deal with it completely, that it’s under control – but, oh reality challenges oneself in the most awesome ways really where I have had to stand very clear in a form of self-discipline with regards to my relationship and work out a lot this point within myself when it comes to this self-agreement and the relationship that I’ve formed where I know firsthand the kind of ripples as in frictions, conflicts, distancing that happens whenever one entertains any thought about ‘other people’ or ‘what ifs’ as ‘potentials’ or ideas related to past partners or how it ‘could be/could have been’ to be in a relationship with this/that person . This point emerged as I was reading Kristina’s blog yesterday and considered how I have been precisely looking at this, how it is a form of the ‘revenge of the ego’ where we can be in a very settled, supportive and grounded relationship, yet how easily we can fuck it up by entertaining memories, ideas and experiences of who I was in the past in relationships that eventually come up as suppressed desires in dreams that I then have to face and recognize them as aspects/parts of myself that I have to make a clear decision to stop feeding within myself.

I see this point representing a perceived ‘lack’ or ‘desire to live the past’ which in my case, it was not at all a ‘good and supportive experience’ for the most part – but at the same time, I also have been looking recently at recognizing what can I take of each person that was part of my life in a relationship and integrate those aspects as part of myself too – as well as in recognizing which aspects of myself I developed, discovered or grew as my expression while being in those relationships in the past   while at the same time reminding me of all the conflicts and problems that I faced with each one and that I have been able to learn from in order to face experiences and conflicts that emerge in a relationship with another, which to my surprise in my current relationship has been quite different altogether from my previous experiences and I can only thank this Desteni process for it, specifically the Agreements/relationships course where I learned what it is to stand in self-agreement and see a relationship as an addition of 1+1 complete people walking together in support of each one’s living and working to become the better versions of ourselves.

My point of self-honesty to develop and work on in this case is precisely within the who I am in what I entertain or give space/breaths within my every day living when it comes to memories or ‘what ifs’ based on – once again – memories, ideas, beliefs, perceptions that can lead oneself to believe ‘one is missing out’ on something/someone or how ‘better’ things could have been in this/that situation with this or that person – these thoughts if entertained in the form of possibilities or memories, it actually becomes a weight upon oneself, where one creates a stagnation in one’s day to day flow by focusing on something as an idea or experience that is only in our minds – while missing out the reality that is very much here to keep focusing on nurturing, growing, expanding and creating to see who I can be and become when walking in  loyalty, honor and respect towards myself when it comes to what I accept and allow to exist within me in relation to my relationship with another, honoring it and ensuring that I am living in a way that I can be at the end of times and stand with myself, my decisions and essentially be able to live with myself, because I’ve been in situations before where it becomes a personal hell to try and shove aside situations of self-dishonesty in relationships and not face them or admit them to myself.

Here then I commit myself to continue developing – for the very first time – a stance of full commitment to my relationship in thought, word and deed, so that whatever time and focus I create in the realm of relationships, I focus on my potential and ‘sculpture to keep working on’ as the relationship and commitment I am in, reminding myself of how many times I have allowed a simple desire for an experience to derail me from a path of integrity and honesty with myself and another – therefore this is what I will be focusing on to strengthening within me, which actually appeals quite a lot to correcting a very sneaky and repetitive pattern throughout my life that I have had a hard time to admit to myself exists in me.

Being loyal to myself is not only being loyal ‘towards my partner’ but being loyal to my commitment, to my integrity, to what I have decided from the beginning I would live in relation to this other human being I am walking with, in an agreement that we made towards one another and that I want to make sure I honor and live to the T in my life as the new me that I am creating for myself, no longer conditioned/condemned to repeat the past, but stick to a better version of me in this part of my life.

Here a reminder for myself how something that I considered was initially insignificant and kept aside from writing about it became a gift, a reminder of what I commit myself to and expand myself to in relation to relationships in general in my life, to not give ‘into’ a fleeting experience that is unsubstantial, and stick to the reality, the physicality of what’s here for me as a stone to continue to sculpt into self-perfection : ) hands on matter

Thanks for reading.

 two heads

 

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416. Relationships: Not about the Taste, but the Nutrients

 

There are times when the most obvious still manages to become part of my moment to moment living, and this has been mostly ghosts of the past meaning people, places, past relationships with specific individuals that I also developed highly obsessed type of relationships too. And so what I heard in an interview on Paranoia is about this “positive” type of paranoia wherein I realize that I had missed one single key point: the moment that we allow one memory to occupy our minds and we reactivate the experience of that particular memory in the past, we allow ourselves to re-activate that whole ‘me’ of the past in that single fleeting moment where one gives-up/ gives into any form of energy based on memory. Lol, really it is as if we decide to possess or poison ourselves for a moment just to give ourselves our energy-shot while imagining/seeing pictures in our mind, where we use illusions to kick off an experience within ourselves that we have defined as “pleasant” – either nostalgia, yearning, excitement, excitation, curiosity or merely believing that I miss the person or situation.

 

But then again of course when realizing this – after listening to this interview – it became very obvious how even almost like at a quantum level, even before translating this interview I was having an itching desire to just leave that one for later and go out for the walk. But, I didn’t, I made sure I got it all recorded before leaving and I was glad I did as I was then able to then use my time through my walk on my way back to apply Self-Forgiveness out loud for all the bits and pieces of memories and seemingly ‘insignificant’ moments where I would allow myself to trigger the thought of a ‘ghost of the past’ – meaning a particular memory of a person, situation, event – and then engage within it in a pondering manner, which is mostly what I’ve seen and realized means I hadn’t entirely decided to give ‘good riddance’ to it, to fully and actually let-go.

 

And in this, what came up was the realization that I cannot really ‘miss’ anything or anyone as I am already here, one can only ‘miss’ something as an experience in our minds, as the bond created toward that something or someone.  So, missing implies only ‘craving’ the relationship formed at an energetic level toward another which means: a relationship formed through the mind, which are the only kind of relationships that can be missed, spoiled or desired as they had a starting point of energy and ended up being busted as energy – never real.

 

Within this, I see that the people with whom I have formed relationships based on co-operation, co-working, working through misunderstandings and genuine decision to support each other are rather the strongest and most constructive type of relationships that I would genuinely suggest all of us as humans to develop and invest our time and effort on, it is the kind of relationship that is not dependent on ‘preference’ toward another or a fleeting experience of desire or attraction or based on being ‘similar,’ but rather in the equal recognition of each other as human beings with our weaknesses to strengthen and our strengths to share and learn from each other.

 

I saw that I had associated the word relationship in a rather limited manner wherein I could mostly only see a partnership type of relationship and within that of course, believing that because ‘my point in process are relationships, then I am not doing that well’ and so even creating an experience of ‘leaving that point for later,’ instead of realizing that I would not be able to be doing what I’m doing if I wasn’t able to actually establish relationships with other individuals.

 

So yet again, seeing to what extent I/we have been brainwashed when it comes to words and our narrow view of these relationships wherein even only defining relationships to ‘people’ is still a limited perception, as life is a conglomerate of relationships, and so relationships are the key to being able to function as one organism and be able to live in harmony. For that, each one of us as a thread in the tapestry of our reality has to stand in principle and absolutely clear when it comes to being able to work with one another – what does being clear and standing in principle mean? It implies that there can’t be no past memories haunting one another based on past mistakes, judgments, preferences or merely suggesting ‘incompatibility of characters’ that trigger emotions of contempt and disdain to one another or ‘nice’ and ‘positive’ feelings to one another. In this, any energetic experiences toward another, no matter how subtle, no matter how positive or negative are always coming from the mind, and as such they become like a poison that prevents real supportive and constructive relationships from developing.

 

Why do I bring up the word poison? Because in my own experience, I’ve seen relationships come and go based on the energetic starting point I started and developed them with, wherein even my sole intent and desire to create a bond with a particular person backfired to the point where none of those relationships is standing at the moment, and it’s for the best. It is a tough lesson you see, more so when we have created a culture where all that you learn from TV and movies is to ‘fall in love’ and seek for that ‘spark of love’ or attraction with another, or that nice warm empathy felt to someone that becomes your friend or else – it’s all about ‘feelings’ as fuzzy warm energy sparks that we create in our body, believing that ‘this is normal’ and ‘this is what love is’ or what ‘relationships should FEEL like’ – when in fact Relationships is anything but a Feeling or a fleeting experience in our minds. They are actual processes of walking with another/others throughout a considerable amount of time to get to a particular outcome – to either develop an intimate relationship as partnership or to develop common tasks and projects to take on.

 

Why is there no-energy type of relationships? Because all that we’ve ever known and learned about relationships is to place the FEELING before anything else, and this is rather consequential and on the long run, only smoke that eventually fades out and what is left is mostly the result of our failed relationships: broken marriages/divorces, inability to communicate and eventually war too is a failed ability to cooperate with each other as equals, but instead keeping a particular experience toward the perceived ‘enemy’ that is always self-created: we decide who we hate and who we love, instead of always placing our equality as living beings above all other forms of segregation, which is mind created.  

 

I also spoke self forgiveness for having actually used and abused myself when it comes to using a memory, a ‘ghost’ essentially to trigger an unnatural experience in my ‘physical-moment’ of being just here and suddenly going into this shift as an alternate reality of a sudden yearning, a curiosity, a ‘cherishing the past’ attitude that I took as normal without realizing that in going to the past in those seemingly ‘fleeting moments,’ I have kept reactivating the whole ‘me’ of the past, as the one personality with all its various memories and networks within me linked toward that particular person/situation/event whenever I would allow this ‘ghost’ to emerge within me.

 

I realized that the reason why I wasn’t letting go is because it is those first relationships that you establish that have the most energy, the ones that we get the most obsessed about or give the most attention to, which is why we go endlessly seeking over and over again that ‘first high’ – this is what I suspect heroin addicts seek forevermore after their first shot and they cannot get it ever again,  because it is unlikely that the body can experience such dramatic change of state again. And so addicts try and increase the dose, but it won’t ever be ‘the same.’ It’s the perfect trap when it comes to enslaving ourselves to memories attached with such ‘high experience’ you see: we keep chasing energy, we keep chasing ghosts in our own minds that no one can see but still we allow those ghosts to come up and absolutely define ‘who we are’ in one moment.

So this is a point of awareness to truly be here as breath and not allow the same memory/matrix point to lock-me down into the same thinking patterns, which at times it’s as if they were ‘there’ in the air in a particular place and one would go ‘picking it up’ as one walks through such path – just as one walks the street for example.

 

To Forgive and Let go

 

All that is Here is myself, it’s who we are, and I could only ‘react’ to it if I had formed a special bond/relationship to it through energy. Energy – for all practical purposes – is a mental experience, it implies separation and as such it makes perfect sense to remind me about this aspect of the points of separation that I create through holding on to the specialness in those ghosts from the past, a perceived importance, added care and interest to a part of me that I developed a particular relationship to.

Here another reminder is that no matter how ‘subtle’ this is, whenever I perceive this ‘ghost of the past’ as something that ‘defined me’ and as such is special because ‘it changed my life’ etc. it indicates a speculative relationship toward that something/someone: it’s energy, it’s my mind, it’s memories, it’s invisible, it’s a ghost and I have to stop haunting myself with them.

How I’ve seen these emerge is as if in my mind there were  like these various hooks that containing some of the most ‘attached’ type of experiences and relationships formed in my past, so it is like a broken record seeking to be flipped for another play. It is also quite laughable to what extent we have given up our ability to remain focused here on reality because of having followed these ‘ghosts’ in our minds, giving up our attention to us being here, breathing and suddenly whoop! Going up there in the mind, following these flimsy little things that we already know where it lead us and that tend to constantly emerge in the moments where the actual opportunity to be fully here, physically exist. They come up, ‘innocently’ and the moment we get into the web we get caught – so it’s up to us to decide how far down the rabbit hole we go or if we can absolutely prevent even getting ‘curious’ to fall for the same hole that we already know leads us nowhere in fact.

 

If anything, it is great to observe these memories, to really look at the experience triggered and sometimes it is as if ‘revealing the name of the game’ as the name of the energy would already break part of the spell, because it is in our inability to discern the ‘hold’ that such memory has upon us that breaks the ‘spell’ so to speak.

So instead of going into an experience of being unable to identify the experience we’ve linked to the memory (of a person, of an event) and perceiving that one ‘can’t name it’ but we ‘like it’ so ‘we keep going and go for it’ – it is to realize that I/we have to stop playing naïve when it comes to what we dive into and/or indulge into in our minds. And yes, it’s mostly always about memories, memories, memories – the ‘reminders’ of who we are supposed to be, act like, fear, like, dislike, desire, etc. There is always a way to find out the energy in a memory as in defining what makes us feel good or terribly bad as the most extreme points of fear and desire, like or dislike, these relationships of separation through energy as positive or negative experiences that we create in order to define us, to continue limiting us – but never realizing that by de-fining/delimiting and identifying us with a ‘few aspects’ we’re already building up our personality cage from which we then seek to interact with ‘similar cages’ and avoid ‘different cages.’

This is how we come to create a caged world divided by words, experiences, misunderstandings, offenses and past broken relationships. It’s even funny how we’ve learned to ‘get over’ with some past love or relationship with an individual by then going to the opposite type of relationships such as going from ‘love’ to ‘hate’ and so proceeding to ditch them, taking them in our minds to the opposite side. In this we recreate the exact same relationship to them, it remains in place because all we did was changing the ‘charge’ or the definition ‘tag’ of the relationship build up – in this case moving it from love to hate, but our personalized relationship to that one person/event/thing is still the same: based on energetic experiences that only we can define because: they only exist in our mind.

I still very much ponder how come we haven’t declared mental insanity around the globe so that we can create a genuine ‘state of emergency’– along with our regular duties and responsibilities – make it mandatory for our common wellbeing to work on our mental stability, health and support ourselves to go through it, as that is the key to genuine peace and solidarity on Earth, to learn to ‘love our neighbor as ourselves.’

So the conclusion is that I cannot keep going fueling these mosquitos from the past, these buzzing little things that can become our sole point of attention if we get to be obsessed with ‘finding more’ into them, instead of seeing them for what they are: ghosts, reminiscences of what once was and it has in fact nothing to do with who the person or situation really is or was in fact, as all that we remember is OUR EXPERIENCE about the situation/person, and that’s always self-created, that’s our own ghost-factory creation, and in this we only continue dividing and conquering each other by illusions.

 

So, hereby I commit myself to stop fueling any tiny thought or memory that leads to an experience about the person/event/ghost of the past and realize and so in those moments realize I can instead fully breathe and realize, I am here and I continue walking and enjoying the moment for what it is.

I realize that we only want to ‘make more’ of our moments as an experience in our minds, and it is the simplicity of breathing here what we perceive ‘lacks’ something, like insipid food that lacks salt and the salt being the energy. We don’t need those ‘extra flavors’ as the flavor comes and goes, it’s only perceived for a few moments on our taste buds and then what really matters is the actual nutrients that we are ingesting and how it will support proper development of our physical bodies – that’s the real type of nutrition then we also have to seek in personal relationships too: not going for ‘taste,’ but rather working on the actual nutrients that we all have and can develop further in each other as we work and live together.

 

My declaration of Living Principles:

22.    The realization that for me to be able to change myself in thought, word and deed to the most effective living being that I can be and become – I first have to ‘know thyself’ and so commit myself to investigate, introspect and understand how I became who I am today, to prepare the road before me into self creation of a responsible, aware, self honest and trustworthy person for myself and so for all

 

breathing being

Suggested Supportive Interview:

When Words are the Looking Glass to Ourselves – Reptilians – Part 203

 

The Free Desteni I Process Lite course is a first platform of self-support to learn more about ourselves, our mind and understand how we can practically improve our potentials and skills.


74. “You’ll need to Suffer to make any Real Art”

 

When I was a young around 7/ 8 years old, my sister was in her nationalist era and she had several poster-paintings by Frida Kahlo in her room. Whenever I would go in there I would remain in awe looking at those images due to the content/ expression they represented as a lot of suffering – Frida crying, blood, self portrayals of her physical discomfort and all of these surreal passages that got stuck within my mind. I was actually quite ‘sad’ when she took them down because my mother thought it was ‘too depressive’ to have those paintings in her room, ‘too gory’ and ‘too much of a negative energy’ for the room.

I had not realized how these paintings became a platform to ‘build my expression’ due to the extent that they ‘awakened’ my emotional patterns, the desire to experience the same she was portraying in her paintings, it made me ‘feel alive’ which is how I began to identify that desire to ‘suffer’ and ‘feel pain’ in order to ‘create great art’ like that, and be able to ‘express’ something as meaningful as she did. Of course I got to know her story of actual physical discomfort due to her accident, which I simply used then as a way to think that I had to suffer, create some turmoil in my life to be able to depict it through paintings and get to be ‘as good as she was’ at it.

I began creating these ideas and relationships in my head that I could use to Create what I deemed were ‘similar experiences’ of pain and suffering – this was back in 2003 as I described in my previous post – just so that I could paint something like her paintings. Couple of years later I read in a book a quote that really got stuck in my head ‘True art comes from suffering’ – or something along the lines, and that confirmed my idea that ‘I wanted to be an artist because I could ‘feel’ such torture in my being,’ lol – which was actually built and self-created from a much earlier stage in my life – 7/8 years old – and only confirming that or believing that I had in fact ‘found my place in Art’ when reading such quote 10 years after the initial ‘imprint’ of this desire to create in an emotional state.

And so, the specialness aura goes for debunking through Self Forgiveness.

Pattern: Believing that great art is only existent if it evokes an emotion within me and others

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that art could only be ‘great art’ if it evoked an emotional experience within me and others

 

Self Forgiveness Statements

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be haunted by the Frida Kahlo paintings in my sister’s room specifically because of the suffering, sadness and pain they portrayed, which caught my attention to the emotional depiction of sorrow, pain, suffering as something that I could experience while looking at them and within this, feeling ‘alive’ when looking at paintings.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to develop an attraction to this particular depiction of human emotions through images depicting blood, pain, tears, the human physical body in pain and through that, creating the foundation of an emotional state that I would allow myself to to experience whenever I would go into my sister’s room to look at the paintings.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define myself as being attracted to the depiction of pain and sorrow in paintings, wherein I started valuing images depicting such emotional states as ‘great art’ and within that, me wanting and desiring to be able to paint similar topics to evoke the same emotions in others, the same way Frida’s paintings were evoking within myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to within this fascination/ attraction for the paintings and the experience that I was obtaining from looking at them, start thinking that ‘someday I want to be a painter just like her’ – wherein this single thought became a desire later on as the years went by, which I eventually consummated when opting to finally study arts.

 

I realize that I made that decision from the Experience that I got which was linked to fascination, mystery and a vicarious enjoyment of staring at a painting that depicted suffering/ pain/ dismal view upon the world which I recognized as ‘my view of the world,’ yet it was simply the energetic experience that I was truly drawn to due to and because of the emotional body ‘awakening’ to these paintings and beginning the identification of myself as such emotions, as an experience that I defined as ‘preference’ and ‘kinship’ to the painter, without realizing it was just the mind finding its ‘source’ to generate emotions from a visual interaction with paintings depicting such emotions.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to within this acceptance of myself as emotions, start thinking and believing that ‘I have to be an artist’ because of thinking that ‘not everyone would get the same experiences I did’ when looking at art, which was only due to and based to the accumulation of self-talk throughout the years to ‘find a taste’ on art because of the associations I started giving to Art as a ‘superior human activity’ in my mind – hence using it as a way to value ‘art’ more than any other human activity, to justify my eventual decision to ‘be an artist’ simply because of the curiosity around creation and the Experience that I would get from looking at art, images, video, etc.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to be a painter just to be as ‘famous’ and ‘well-known’ as Frida, because she got to be a world-wide known persona and that’s what attracted me the most in terms of being a famous person.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire creating images that could instigate the same emotional side that I got from looking at Frida’s paintings to other people, so that I could ensure that I could ‘touch’ people through paintings/ images, within this

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be fascinated by someone that was so ‘filled with emotions’ and being apparently ‘mysterious’ as she was, due to her tormented life which became a trigger point for her creations.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feed my mind with thoughts of ‘fascination’ whenever I would be in my sister’s room and stare at the images for quite some time, trying to almost ‘suck’ the essence out of the pain and sorrow they represented and use it as a way to ‘make my own art’ which eventually influenced what I did without me wanting to openly admit it, because ‘hey, I have to be special!’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deny admitting or fear admitting that Frida Kahlo was one of my influences because of how ‘popular’ she is in Mexico and me wanting to be ‘unique’ and ‘special’ as ‘an artist,’ which I thought that when naming Frida as an influence, I would be tagged as cheesy or predictable – hence I kept it ‘hidden’ and always naming any other artist as ‘influence’ just so that I could remain in an apparent ‘safe zone’ of influences and not going for what seemed ‘obvious’ only in my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that Frida’s paintings were a ‘great influence for me,’ wherein the idea of ‘influence’ is still used as a way to not directly accept that I in fact just wanted to be like her and experience myself the same way she did as ‘that made her create great art!’ without ever really measuring what it would be like to be living in constant depression, sorrow and pain as the emotions that I would get and imagine her experiencing when looking at her paintings.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to from the moment of being in my sister’s room, looking at Frida’s paintings, create this ‘special moment’ of me staring at a work of art with a predisposition to ‘get something off it’ as an experience, and the more I was able to get any form of ‘empathy’ such as depression, sadness, chills or any other energetic experience, I would use as a measuring point to say that the artwork was ‘powerful’ and ‘great’ and if I didn’t get any emotion/ feeling from it: I would say the artwork is not good/ bullshit.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to link the creation of emotions whenever I looked at art/ paintings/ music videos and any other image that I could use as a way to ‘feel alive’ through generating emotions and feelings from it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define being emotional and mysterious as being a ‘superior being’ that is more ‘sensitive’ toward the world, when in fact it is no different to any other being existing as the mind, generating emotions and feelings instead of just Living here as breath – within this, I realize that I have pondered artists and creative people that are well-tormented as ‘superior’ because of how I programmed myself from that early age to associate being emotional = being alive, being more aware, being more ‘in touch with yourself,’ which is just another excuse for me to validate my career choice and entire personality as in wanting to be and become ‘an artist.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the judgment of my mother toward Frida’s paintings on my sister’s wall as being ‘too sad and gory’ while making a gesture of disgust as a ‘good idea’ for me to do something that would deliberately vex her, disturb her, which is linked to an entire process that I’ve realized fairly recently due to the Heaven’s Journey To Life  blog how there is this friction relationship with the mother from the time of inception – hence this event was just part of me creating a point of friction toward her, to deliberately ‘shock’ and ‘disturb’ her, as a way to get out of the ‘cookie cutter pattern’ that I thought she wanted me to remain as/ impose onto myself because of being ‘her daughter’ – within this

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to like the idea of me doing something that would disturb my mother in a shocking way, as a statement of saying: I am not like my sisters, I do not have conventional preferences, I step out of the family mold – which is how through becoming the entire ‘eccentric’ role, I fed my self-belief as this art-lover more and more as that meant separating myself more and more from having to continue/ follow the steps of my sisters as what I deemed being ‘normal, ordinary, conventional’ in a derogatory/ inferior way, wherein I had placed the eccentric/ odd/ mysterious/ emotional in a superior place in my mental value scheme toward the world and people.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to from the moment of seeing the shock and impact that images would create and instill in my mother to the point of her asking my sister to take them down, to then use paintings as a way for me to ‘go against her flow’ and create shocking images just for the sake of secretly vindicating my desire to vex and disturb my mother, even if I ‘hid’ most of those paintings from her, even till this day –

 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the entire play-out of events from this moment on defined my desire to paint something that would be ‘eccentric’ and disturbing as a way to make my mother react or be bothered, and get a kick out of it – with no reason or purpose but that initial primordial relationship of mother/ daughter that began from the moment I was inside her womb.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted an allowed myself to choose a career just for the sake of wanting to ‘step out ‘of the mold that I believed I was being imposed with, and in that desire to ‘spite my mother’/ family structure, I opted to study something that represented ‘getting out of the family mold,’ without realizing that the only one I was fucking with was myself, as I would have to live with that decision based on all of these emotional and relationship play outs in my family that I defined myself according to.

 

I realize that the only one that is now living the consequences of such decisions based on experiences is myself, and it has nothing to do with the paintings, the painter, my mother or sisters, but only myself and my own mind as the definition of who and what I wanted to be and what I did not want to be ‘for others,’ not even for myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to within spiting what I perceived were imposed decisions for my life from my mother, I took the ‘opposite road’ in order to ensure that ‘I’ could decide for myself, wherein I simply took the opposite road to spite them and separate myself from them, without actually realizing that the decision I was taking was for me and my own life and that the only one that would have to live with such decisions was myself, and that I was the only one that would have to live with it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that in my desire to ‘spite everyone else,’ I only spitted myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to elevate art to the status of being something ‘eccentric and unique’ which fueled my desire to not be ordinary, to be ‘out of this world/ out of my family mold’ and within that, be ‘abnormal’ from the ‘normalcy’ that I had judged as pathetic and predictable, without realizing that we have all always been predictable as the mind patterns that work in mechanical ways wherein I was never really aware of me when living out those choices, but was only following a systematic pattern of creating friction and opposition in order to establish my self-righteousness over common sense in my life, to only fuel my ego.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to begin painting with the desire to be emotional to have something ‘great’ to paint, and to evoke the same experience in another when looking at it, which is what I defined as what would make a painting ‘famous’ and ‘liked’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to start seeing emotions – in a lesser manner also feelings – as a way to make a painting ‘come alive’ wherein I started believing that the emotional way I was painting in would define a painting s either successful/ not successful based on the reactions that others would be able to obtain from them.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to ‘feel alive’ through paintings, associating this with having to be sad, dismal, depressed and angry at the world, which is how I would allow myself to reinforce emotions through words, pictures, ideas, thoughts, lyrics, books in order to gather ‘enough material to work with’ as an emotional experience that I would define as ‘feeling inspired’ to paint and portray that which I wanted to say in order to leave a ‘mark’ of my emotional state for the world – creating an entire mythology around my own paintings as something special.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that because I didn’t have much to be sad about, I had to start creating my own sad stories and beginning to yearn for love and relationships, as that was another topic that I saw could generate a similar experience of ‘hopelessness’ and ‘dullness’ that I could express through images/ pictures according to how I would go tagging my reality as sad/ dismal and portraying that as paintings.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to talk myself into depression and deliberately triggering thoughts/ using images to create these emotional experiences because I defined that I could only be alive and be ‘sensitive enough’ just like an artist/ Frida, to create any good work of art.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could only create art if I had a ‘broken heart’ or a yearning for a relationship, which are the points that I fueled in order to paint.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to start looking at this world as being damned and shitty, as a thought in my mind just for the sake of making of that thought a painting that could make me ‘feel’ like I as this sensitive person to what was going on in the world – hence making me special in my own eyes and wanting to be special at the eyes of others = the desire to be an eccentric unique being.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to start seeing everyone as sad and dismal and slaves, which became the actual filter with which, till this day, I have been walking in order to not constantly feed the same pattern that I created in order to fuel my ‘creative abilities’ when using emotions as a trigger point for me to paint. This implies that I began seeking for the ‘negative experiences’ as a way to make myself feel ‘better’ about myself and feel ‘good’ whenever I could create with using such ‘emotional states of being’ as a source of ‘inspiration.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe then myself to be ‘too sensitive for this world,’ wherein I simply took the idea of ‘an artist being a more sensitive being’ wherein in my mind, being an artist and being sensitive meant a more ‘evolved’ human being, a more ‘humane’ being without ever realizing what emotions were really all about until now through what we learn and educate ourselves with at Desteni.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to talk myself into believing that I had a ‘gift’ to represent emotions in a touching manner through my paintings/ images/ drawings/ pictures, which became a point that I held on as myself, as if I was special about it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to talk myself into desiring a relationship, instigating any form of problem and friction within myself to have something to be sad, bothered, angry about in order to paint.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe in the sentence ‘True art only comes from suffering’ from Palahniuk’s books that I took on as a creed, and that I used to fuel my desire to have experiences in order to have something ‘meaningful’ to paint, which is how I would judge then what ‘good art’ and what ‘bad art’ was based on the amount of emotions and feelings I could generate/ get from looking at art, without realizing that I had programmed myself to act and believe that this was actually ‘so’ within itself which means: there was never ever something ‘special ‘and ‘unique’ about it, other than my obvious self-brain washing in a desire to be special.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain within the belief that ‘I had to be inspired to create any good art’ which mean ‘I had to be experiencing an emotion – preferably – to make any good painting, and that if I was rather ‘happy’ or in a positive attitude, it would mostly not be a good work of art, but only a spoof of reality.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that the sadder I felt, the better the painting would come out to be, wherein I would deliberately begin painting when I thought that I was sad enough, angry enough to do so.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to continue with this pattern of believing that creation required myself to be in a particular emotional way to generate emotions within others and within that, make of ‘my work’ something ‘great’ due to and because of how I had believed that only great works of art stem from feeling sad, experiencing sorrow and depression, which became a state of being that I deliberately sought in order to ‘make great art,’ without ever realizing I was only manipulating myself in order to fit my own ideal of what ‘great art’ is supposed to be.

 

 

Self Corrective Statements

 

When and as I see myself believing that ‘great art’ is that which is able to evoke an emotional experience within me and others, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I programmed myself this way from the time when I got an experience from Frida’s paintings that became the ‘blueprint’ for me to establish what is ‘great successful art’ and what is not, wherein through this value system I simply accept myself to be an emotional-robot that can only feel ‘alive’ if being ‘emotional’ in any way as a state of being.

 

When and as I see myself believing that being an artist is being a ‘special unique being’ and ‘sensitive’ toward the world, I stop and I breathe – I realize that in art the emotional and feeling bodies are used to give further meaning to just images and things in order to perpetuate the idea of the human being a sensitive creature, which is in no way what we really are as the proof of what our desire and drive for experiences is Here as the consequence of this absolute self interest wherein we can do ‘anything’ jus to ‘feel everything’ even if it means depleting the earth’s resources in the name of a feeling/ emotion, abusing ourselves, abusing life and simply perpetuating a monetary system that in no way is supporting LIFE but only the human as experiences within emotions and feelings that keep us all occupied in our minds and neglecting the reality that is crumbling down every step that we take to fulfill our ‘dreams’ instead of acting and caring to consider what is best for all instead.

 

When and as I see myself being drawn to pictures that depict sorrow, suffering, blood, tears, sadness, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I programmed myself to develop my ‘emotional side’ as the mind within looking at such images, in order to ponder emotions as ‘living’ and equating them to a ‘higher level of consciousness’ due to the belief that I held toward ‘emotions/ feelings’ being the actual ‘core’ of being a human being as in ‘being alive,’ yet absolutely neglecting the consequences that such feelings and emotions had on a physical level in every body, but only going for that rush as the actual energy that I would create whenever I could become emotional, just like a drug that I could generate through my own thoughts and my own images to reinforce such thoughts

 

When and as I see myself believing that I ‘chose my career’ based on my ‘affinity with art and life’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that this was just the result of me talking to myself to become someone eccentric – as I deemed artists to be – and within that, doing everything that I could to emulate the lives of beings that were artists so that I could be ‘one of them’ by identifying myself with their emotional experience and existence, which I defined as ‘living’ and being a ‘more aware being’ which was never really so, but only a highly ingrained belief system wherein I believed that an emotional being was ‘in touch with themselves, ‘when It was only being in touch with the mind as self, but never self aware as the totality of this world – without realizing that artists, just like any other human being, are only infatuated with their own thoughts, imagination, emotions, feelings, which is no different to any other being existing in absolute self-interest and self-obsession – thus

 

When and as I see myself seeing an ‘artist’ with this aura of ‘specialness’ when compared to other ‘normal’ beings, I stop and I breathe. I realize I am perpetuating my own mindfuck toward art/ artists being ‘special’ and ‘unique beings’ which is why I sought to be ‘one of them’ when deliberately wanting to ‘identify’ myself with artists and their lives.

 

When and as I see myself looking at a work of art with the desire to get an ‘experience’ out of it, I stop and I breathe – I realize that the reason why art is ‘art’ is because of reinforcing the emotions and feelings of people – instead I can direct myself to see how I can use art as an effective way to instigate the realization of us human beings being responsible for this world and this Earth as each one of us, which is a more tangible way of using images in the name of Self-Support as Life, and not as mere instigators of emotions and feelings as ‘human nature.’

 

When and as I see myself wanting to make a decision in my life based on the desire to oppose my family/ the world/ ‘normal people,’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is a basic mechanism that I have used throughout my life to generate conflict and separate myself from others in means of keeping me as ‘special’ and ‘unique,’ which is in fact just another egotistical way to ensure that ‘I’ remain special/ unique within the ‘artist role,’ instead I realize that all decisions I make must be considered within the outflows and consequences of the entirety of ‘who I am’ in that moment of decision, taking all into consideration wherein I ensure I am not opposing something/ someone, wanting to ‘avoid’ or wanting to create an experience within me as ‘living,’ – but instead direct me to consider the practical, physical and tangible steps to walk that decision that will be founded upon the consideration of what is best for all life, what is it really required to be and be done in order to establish LIFE in this world.

 

I realize that I had only sought to be and become this profession to indulge in my egotistical personality, my desire to be special and unique – instead of ever really considering what can I be and become in order to be an actual participant that takes on a position within reality to change the world that I judged for so long, and daring to first walk that process myself which is what I am now walking as my own correction to the decisions I made based on opposition, retaliation in my own mind to create a sense of superiority toward ‘the rest of the world,’ trying to ‘not be of this world’ by ‘being an artist’ and creating an aura of specialness around me.

 

When and as I see myself desiring to ‘not be like everyone else’ I stop and I breathe, I realize that this is the mechanism that we all accept as ‘normal’ within ourselves, but is in fact the basic platform from which inequality stems, because such statement implies: I want to be special, I want to be ‘more’ than others – hence allowing an entire system that enables such ‘specialness’ through the value given to different professions and skills that can actually be equalized for all if we stop holding anything as more or less than who we are as one and equal. Thus I see that the equalization of myself as life begins with stopping one single thought as a desire to ‘not be normal/ ordinary.’ I direct myself to stand as one and equal as the totality that we are wherein there can be no more and no less, but only self-expansion from the confinement of a mind that seeks to be ‘above others’ into the creation of a reality that I can in fact contribute to be supportive for all equally, and in that, supporting people’s expression to be artists and create themselves as the individuals that we all can be if regarding ourselves as life in Equality.

 

I realize that the reason why I considered art as some ‘unique’ and ‘special’ activity/ profession in my world, was because of the fame and aura of ‘specialness’ that artists would get, which became my actual desire to be and become an artist for such desire to be recognized and praised as some ‘great creator’ only to fuel my ego and desire for specialness, which stems from an actual inferiority and sense of ‘lacking’ such wholeness/ completion as myself as my physical being, but believing that I had to seek to be ‘more’ than myself as who and what I’ve been and am and will be until I die: my physical body here, breathing.

 

When and as I see myself believing that I can only create when I am feeling ‘emotional’ in any way – I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is the reason why I believe that ‘I do not want to create anything’ just because I have not been as ‘emotional’ as I used to, wherein I have stopped having this desire to ‘create’ because of the link I created between art creation and emotional experience. Thus I direct myself to create without thinking that I require to be emotional/ inspired to do so, which is then me creating as a moment of expression within myself that does not require to be backed by an experience, but can be directed as the moment in common sense = considering what’s best for all as a creation that is not fueled by emotions or feelings, but only externalizing the expression of myself in any given moment that I direct myself to do so.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to get positive feedback on my creations as a way to ‘know’ that I have ‘touched’ them in any way, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am trying to make of art an emotion/ feeling instigator instead of actually supporting myself and others to stop the mind and get back into the physical reality that does not require feelings or emotions to be and exist – hence I direct myself to use pictures, images, paintings in common sense to give them a new meaning based on what life is, what life can be if we all work together to actually create a world that’s best for all, wherein the only role that art can take is the creative process in itself wherein we all realize ourselves as our own creators and within that, being self responsible about such creations in order to ensure that we are in fact considering each other in every moment of creation, and stop creating as a means to elevate our egos –

 

I commit myself to stop any aura of specialness toward art, and simply accept it, see it as any other form of expression coming from a fellow human being that is valuable just for the part of this reality that it represents, without seeing it as ‘holy objects’ or ‘special objects’ in my world.

 

I commit myself to establish the Equal Money System that will ensure that dreams of fame and fortune stop being this constant fuel for the desire to be special and unique within beings, but instead become an actual point of support to ensure that all beings can learn how to express through art if they want to do so, and have no restrictions based on time, survival or any other form of belief of what is art/ what is not art – but simply using materials to create as a way to get to know ourselves through our creations, be able to reflect about reality in a self-supportive way wherein emotions and feelings are no longer in the way but we direct the work to be an actual representation of the realization of who we are as one and equals as life.

 

 

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Day 24: Supervixen

 

Teasing, Tantalizing, chasing after chasing… all are experiences that we have become so used to as human beings, as consumers, as pictures within this picture world wherein energy as experiences is what has defined our life, sometimes entire lifetimes were defined according to keeping up a certain experience such as what I had lived  in a rather ‘unnoticed’ yet deliberate manner which is teasing/ tantalizing men specifically and getting always an experience out of it which was in the category of power and feeling ‘good’ about that.

 

This emerges as that seemingly uncanny and seemingly ‘natural’ pull that we have toward the opposite sex- of course being a heterosexual – and in that, participating in the constant friction that is created whenever a man and a woman are within the same ‘realm’ and reality and creating/ developing any form of relationship, which doesn’t necessarily have to be a ‘partnership,’ but any given encounter, friendship, school, work mates wherein I as a woman became aware of how easy it was to manipulate another man out of imposing myself in a way that could say – without words – ‘I am a woman and I can have you bow down to me’ – or so it seemed like that in my own mind.

 

It’s interesting because I learned these words from songs that I would hear when I was 9/10 years which was the time in the 90’s where all of these ‘powerful women in music’ were having a sudden uplift within media, and I simply wanted to be like them. I would ‘resonate’ with the presence and powerful personality that seemed to draw everyone’s attention to them. And within having the ability to relate to men in quite an ‘easy way’ due to how I became aware of this ability at a very young age, I used this as a form of  entertainment wherein I would make use of this form of manipulation to get a man to notice me/ want me/ desire me according to how much ‘input’ I would place into as attention that I would create or that I would deliberately manipulate myself into to ‘match’ what I would see would be wanted/ desired by such beings.

 

The point to clarify is how I really only wanted that initial playful and seemingly ‘innocent flirt’ that would keep me going for a while wherein I would enjoy having this sexual tension with other beings without having to go any further than that – which is what was mostly ‘unexpected’ by the counterparts, because I wasn’t really interesting in anything else other than keeping up that tension, just like keeping up a ‘flame’ until the candle burns out and consume and that was it – off to the next round and that was a rather ‘innocent way’ of looking at it, and it became such a ‘natural’ thing to do that I had not really questioned until one of my partners pointed out that I was such a flirtatious girl and I didn’t want to accept it because accepting it means my ego is destroyed and my secret forces of ‘power’ over others would be debunked, my ‘mojo’ would be lost – lol

 

So, this came up when I was walking yesterday and I saw a man that I know by default I would have obviously reacted to within myself in an energetic surge indicating that I was attracted to him, and the moment that I realized that, I deliberately breathed through it, to not participate, not glance, not do any seemingly ‘unconscious move’ that become those little points that are read as body language as a form of mutual recognition in one split moment that people can simply walk past by and just ‘flirt,’ and participate in that flirt without any other ‘consequence’ – apparently. What I see is that within me participating in such seemingly ‘unnoticed’ flirts, I am giving into a personality that was built over time wherein this power game toward men was developed. And I mean, this is not something ‘new,’ I guess that we all participate it in one way or another and there’s a series of interviews that explain the entire sexualization of relationships within this world wherein everyone is constantly participating in this, without noticing, calling it ‘human nature’ without having understood before WHY – now we know.

 

So, within me becoming aware of this at an early age, I used it in means of building myself as this ‘strong woman’ that can kick men’s asses and still be safe, because no men could ‘get back at me’ because of being a woman. And in this, I became rather cruel at some point – mostly when not really considering another in such relationships, because I wasn’t really aware of what I was ‘building’ while giving these little hints of teasing and tantalizing wherein I knew that I was definitely not going any further than that, but eventually the counterparts would believe that it would and the whole friendship/ relationship would just crumble down because I had simply given ‘false illusions’ to others – apparently.

 

Yet, this whole experience was just like ‘fun’ to me, like a pastime wherein I didn’t really consider what effect I was causing within others – and the same with some non-lasting relationships wherein because I ran out of the excitement quite fast, I simply would break up and that’s it.  It’s interesting how even in relationships the ‘who breaks up with who’ as in who ended the relationship can be turned into a ‘power game.’

 

I’m just realizing to what extent I came to live these lyrics of songs wherein women become like a religion to men, this ‘unattainable’ object of desire. And I had quite a moment just hours ago when I was scraping through the topic wherein one of those men that I had experienced such ‘tantalizing’ toward just suddenly sent an email out of nowhere in years, which made me react only in a sudden laughter while thinking ‘oh fuck what am I doing!?’ I can say that this is one of the weak-points wherein, as I’ve said before, the ground is not yet cemented and I realize that there is certainly a lot to learn and walk within this aspect of human relationships.

 

So for a moment I was a bit stuck within this writing because I knew that this is one of those nitty gritty points that I could deem as me being absolutely evil toward some men in my past. I also realized how I had victimized myself in my head more than what it was in reality in terms of relationships,  due to me manipulating memories to suit my martyrdom when in fact, I would put another through quite a hell of a ride with my jaded nature toward their ‘feelings’ when it all would come to an end – wherein I would be moving on and they would be still seeking out for that same experience somehow. I created some arrogance within me out of that and mirrored myself in relationships wherein that power game would not recede into submission, but was kept as a one on one, a ‘perfect match’ in terms of keeping the power game alive.

 

And so, this is just the ‘tip of the iceberg’ to debunk Marlen von Tease because I became so used to such experience that I would eventually not even notice, until it was really really obvious and absolutely deliberate to go fully into it, which indicates a fucked up way to begin any relationship with –therefore, a lot to give back to myself in order to stop the desire for these ‘sparks in life’ for the sake of some variety show in our day to day living.

 

The interesting point is how after I stopped participating in what I would have deemed an obvious and certain flirting corresponding that being while walking/ passing by, was me perceiving myself as asexual, dead or even wondering if I seem like such a detached person or plain lesbian. So, fascinating to see how when I stop participating I immediately perceived myself as ‘inert,’ and immediately obviously realizing how it was simply a trick of the mind to then feel ‘odd’ and create an entire mindfuck out of it – which is obviously not necessary. It’s simply realizing the ‘withdrawal symptoms’ after I’d been so used to always participate in these seemingly ‘fleeting moments in my reality’ that we apparently don’t ‘pay much attention to,’ without ever really wanting to look at them and understand the level of identification and personality is held within these power games.

 

I guess that listening to songs like Supervixen shaped quite a chunk of my views about women and men and these tantalization process- you can hear cryptic words that I gave meanings to, all obviously related to this power that women can have toward males as you can read in the comment section below the lyrics to it.

 

It’s never really about another, it’s only us being vampires by using another’s image to such ourselves dry with creating an experience out of another in an almost irrational manner, let’s call it ‘automated vampirism’ for the purpose of seeing it as the program it is to keep an energy-sucking system alive.  

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to learn at a very young age that women were able to have men ‘at their feet’ due to this ability to use a woman’s ‘charms’ to get the most attention and in that, creating within myself an energetic experience that would make me feel ‘good’ about myself, which means that I deliberately participated in teasing men in surreptitious ways wherein I knew that I could tantalize someone for the sake of experiencing ‘power’ over another.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to rejoice when being able to intimidate another being for the sake of weighing myself as superior, as having the ability to instigate a certain reaction on another as that would mean that ‘I was able to push their buttons’ and so, use it for my personal benefit to add-up to my score of being this witty smart ass girl that could not be easily fooled, which was only a game inside my head anyways, because I definitely experienced the exact opposite when the time came for me to really live it in a form of relationship.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever participate in the energetic reward of flirting through teasing another with physical movements that would suggest interest and attention, simply because of how ‘I’ would experience myself about it, which indicates that it was never really about another – therefore

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to use only another person as a image to develop these power games within my mind, where the female had the man ‘at her feet’ and I that, following the ideas of how women were able to astonish an entire crowd if the right moves, the right voice, the right hand movements, the right clothes were fitted into a sellable package wherein any positive feedback about it, would allow me to fulfill the intended experience of flirting/ teasing in an ‘innocent manner.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just get an energetic kick out of realizing that I enjoyed talking in cryptic manners where people would not be able to fully understand what I had to say, and in that seeing if I could instigate an experience of powerlessness within them, I had then the right to support such diminishment by following their own reactions and blowing them out of proportion –all this done in a seemingly playful manner within me, without realizing the actual effects this could case within another, because I was only considering my experience and energetic kick in the moment.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to get a sense of power over others whenever I could say something that would be similar to playing a poker game wherein I knew exactly what effect my words would get in the moment, in this becoming like a vampire that would suck out the moment that the projected and expected reaction came up, as in my mind I would say: I knew it, I was right, everyone’s so predictable – without realizing that all such games were a literal mindfuck between me and my own mind, wherein I would get a kick out of these experiences in a very subtle yet addictive manner.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to participate in subtle yet deliberate games of gaining attention from males, wherein I sought to create/trigger an effect/reaction on another, which would in response create an experience within me that I could feel ‘good’ about as that sensation of being ‘more’ through instigating a reaction within others which is seeking attention but within the context of a sexual nature.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to adopt ways of perceiving and categorizing men that I learned from lyrics in music written by these ‘strong-female characters’ that I idolized, wherein I learned about the thrill of being able to tease men and have men ‘at your feet/ bowing down to you’ wherein I simply adopted this way of thinking which made me part of the people that thought that females ‘had the control’ because of the sexual desires that are able to be instigated with ‘great ease,’ by using the female flirt and teasing as a way to power up or light up a certain ‘sparkle’ in another that will keep them ‘coming back for more.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever rejoice in being able to diminish and be rather cruel toward men that I knew couldn’t ‘get back at me’ because ‘I am a female, I am powerful and I can’t be dissed by a male’ – in this I recognize that I used the ‘female character’ and characteristics as a shield to be able to get a kick out of teasing men in subtle ways, wherein I would just enjoy the experience from the answers I would get which were those of paying attention to myself in a way that would make me feel ‘wanted’ and ‘desired’ and ‘accepted’ yet using demeaning ways to get such attention.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to play these power games within the consideration that ‘I am a female and I can have power over a male,’ while playing the ‘strong’ and ‘powerful’ woman, when in reality, I would diminish and go into the opposite whenever I would deem that the man was ‘more powerful’ than I was – I see and realize that these ‘power games’ between male and female are part of the usual mind-games that use a sexual-attraction in a secretive/ subtle way, so that each one is able to keep the necessary ‘pose’ in place and still get the energetic kick out of experiencing ourselves as either good for having power over another or miserable when being ‘at the bottom.’

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever believe that because I am a woman, I am the one that is ‘dominated’ by a male, while in fact I did play the role of using the female character as a way to play the dominant role, through instigating a desire that I would then use as a ‘reward’ which I would increase my ego with, within feeding another’s obsessions and my obsessions to keep myself occupied within these mind games that I would give my power away to, believing that I was feeding only another’s obsessions to keep them eating from my hand, neglecting the fact that it all happened in my own mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use myself as a way to trigger experiences in another that could be regarded as ‘compliments’ in a subtle manner, wherein I would only instigate reactions without following through the entire relationship game, which means that I would only keep the ‘suspense’ in place for the sake of continuing that power game, until it would run out/ fade out and the interest would recede until it was simply not fed any longer.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become an idea of a femme fatale that would enjoy  seeing men suffer, within the belief/ idea/ perception that men had dominated women for so long that it was ‘my time’ to ‘take revenge’ and in that, becoming part of the incipient feminism that I would see on TV/ media/ music world and in that, believing that it’s cool to tantalize men and that’s it, like getting someone drunk and high for a moment without giving any further steps to follow all the way through what such flirting/ teasing usually leads to in the ‘normal world.’

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever enjoy being able to tease men that were ‘my friends’ just because of wanting to debunk their entire façade of being ‘strong men’ toward the rest of the people, and in that, feel better about myself for being able to expose this that I deemed the ‘real them’ while in fact I was only doing it because of the excitement and enjoyment that ‘I’ would get from ‘grounding someone’ that ‘bossy’ or ‘arrogant’ – yet without really considering what type of energy I was getting from such events as only creations and power games in my own mind.

 

Yesterday I went past a man that I would have had a reaction to as an attraction, wherein you experience that fuzzy feeling in your stomach and I was aware right before it manifested, hence I deliberately breathed and didn’t participate in the moment wherein I had become an automated flirt toward men that I would have a visual reaction to, without considering what such ‘innocent flirt’ or ‘teasing’ can lead-to by just participating in this game with looking back at another or doing a single physical movement that indicates that ‘the game is on.’

In this I realize that I had become an automated participant of these teasing games wherein it became like a hobby for me to do so, when I deemed that it was ‘worth it’ to play the game – yet getting quite scared of the person getting the ‘wrong message’ and going ‘too far’ with perceiving the entire power-game to be more serious than what I deemed as simple innocent and ‘almost non perceptible’ ways in which I could still tantalize someone, yet not engage into further ‘problems.’ Which lead me to eventually having to stop some of those ‘friendships’ in a cold-manner, because of realizing that I had been giving/sending ‘the wrong message’ all the way, wherein I then deemed myself as ‘too innocent’ and ‘not knowing what I was doing.’

 

All of this proves that the lack of communication between human beings in a direct, straightforward manner ensues misunderstandings and assumptions that can lead to events that are certainly not necessary if the points are straight from the beginning. By this I mean that whenever we engage within participating in these ‘usual/ casual flirts,’ we take responsibility for whatever comes after that, and in most cases it would lead me to have to distantiate myself from such beings in my world, because of them going ‘too far’ within the belief of ‘who I was’ or ‘what I was up to,’ which is how I realized that I could not go around just instigating others to believe that I was ‘sending a message’ as in deliberately teasing them to get a response for them for ‘something else,’ instead of me simply seeking the attention and appraise gotten in the moment and the reaction I would experience out of it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever get infuriated if another female would do the same because then the entire ‘power game’ would be against another ‘me’ that could do the same and in that, lose my place within such being’s world, eventually just stepping aside and diminishing myself to a non-existent place within ‘their world.’

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘I am a powerful woman that can control men’ wherein I actually got to live out the exact opposite as a result of me having diminished myself within an actual relationship, wherein I see and realize that it was not always as I remember or have manipulated the relationship to be within my mind. I realize that I have blamed others for how I have experienced myself, while in fact I was actually quite rude and cruel at times toward them.

And it’s interesting to see how I had hid in the back of my head these memories of seeing that I was ‘really hurting men’ because of a ‘bad experience’ that I had as the first relationship wherein I called a relationship a failure without even really starting, which was my way of ‘washing my hands’ when seeing that I was not getting the expected energetic experience within me out of another. It was really not about ‘the other’ but what I had built and created as the idea of another inside my head for my personal benefit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad and guilty for having cheated beings within relationships, simply because I was not getting enough ‘energetic highs’ out of just one being.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I actually had any power over other, when in fact it as just me imposing myself as these ideas of ‘who I am’ and instigating reactions which are no different to putting up a fight to get the reactions/ experience of having the power to make another react in a way that I can feel ‘good’ about myself, feeling ‘more’ or ‘powerful.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as ‘bad’ for this because of realizing what type of secretive and seemingly-innocent power games I’d play, wherein any interaction with males that I would deem as ‘attractive,’ I would use as a way to fabricate my own little game to get some energy going on out of it an entertain myself in my day to day living.

 

I commit myself to stop participating in these momentary ‘fleeting flirting moments’ that recharge this entire personality of the ‘supervixen,’ to finally establish a point of equality toward people in my world, where I make sure I do not participate in any form of energetic game or experience when being with another, as I realize that within energy there is a point of separation and a point of relationship created, which usually leads us to the usual outcomes of up and down to be eventually non-existent in our world, thus going out for more.

 

I commit myself to deliberately stop myself whenever I see myself seeking a similar experience in other ways wherein the personality of being a female overrides the point of equality toward men, and in that, creating an entire set of consequences within such power games of separation. I realize that we have all agreed to ‘play these games’ wherein I was not even aware to what extent such ‘flirts’ or correspondences would be interpreted as something way-out beyond my initial intention, which is what would cause some disruption within me when finding out what I was getting myself into.

 

So, I commit myself to expose these seemingly ‘innocent power games’ that are in fact keeping entire personalities in place within ourselves, wherein we become just another bolt waiting to be ejected by having any point of fuel to be catapulted. I see that who I am is able to not participate and still remain here, regardless of any initial thought of ‘fearing losing my experience’ which is that of flirting and creating this rather primitive way of establishing relationships with the opposite sex.

 

I realize that in order for us to stand as equals, all power games must cease to exist – and all identities as roles within society of being more than and less than in a sexist manner, are only that, labels, beliefs, ideas that do not support life and what’s best for all, but perpetuate a self-definition within energy that is Not who we really are.

 

I commit myself to never again engage in relationships of flirting or sending out ‘wrong messages’ which implies participating in my world without giving into the experience of winning/ losing, feeling good/ bad about myself/ others in any given moment.

 

I breathe, I self forgive and let go of this all unconditionally, as they all were only memories in my head.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

Ode to femeninity

Ode to Femininity (2004)

 

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