79. “I Feel So Cheated!”

 

Patterns:

1. Remaining quiet/ building backchat about a situation that I accept and allow over a period of time wherein anger/ frustration and irritation emerges in an outburst with further consequences instead of taking Responsibility for them.

2. Feeling victimized when something does not work out/ going into an emotional experience and thinking/planning how to escape from such ‘evil world.’

 

This is a continuation to ‘Be careful what you wish for” which is the aftermath of realizing what I accepted and allowed myself to participate in because of allowing things to ‘just be’ without placing myself as a direct active and involved participant to ensure I knew what I was cooperating in.

 

Self Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in backchat and remaining quiet about a situation that I am witnessing is not being directed in common sense out of fear of stirring conflict, without realizing that such conflict eventually creates anger, frustration and irritation that builds up to the point of bursting it out in one single moment with extreme anger, frustration and irritation toward others, instead of having taken responsibility from the beginning for and as myself to see where and how I am participating in my world/ reality, and ensuring that all points are walked in common sense and mutual agreement, so that each one is self-responsible about the consequences from each other’s participation and actions in any given event/ circumstance.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself every time that I think/ believe or perceive that ‘I have been cheated’ and that ‘I was used’ and ‘not properly informed,’ which is just a mechanism in my mind to justify the anger toward another instead of taking self responsibility to actually inform myself and walk the process of decision-making with proper communication and without assumptions, which is how whenever I see myself assuming things/ believing that ‘what’s best for all’ is being done, I stop and I breathe – I realize that whenever I assume and remain quiet, I am only allowing myself to not be directive at all times to ensure I stand equal and one to whatever and with whomever I am participating with and within in my world. This is the only way that I can stop compromising and victimizing myself toward others, and ensure that whatever I do, say and participate in, I am equally informed and participating to express perspectives of what is best for all and what must be considered before allowing the point to unfold to eventual consequences that are not best for all.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to participate on the pattern of believing that ‘I am always the one to be blamed for when shit hits the fan,’ which is an ingrained mechanism of self-victimization from when I was a child and, whenever something ‘bad’ would go in my house, I was immediately waiting to be blamed for it, building a lot of resentment toward my family for always believing that I was the only one that would do the ‘bad things’ and break things around, which is how I grew up with this sense of ‘being rejected’ and belittling myself, believing that it was always ‘my fault,’ which I used to build my self-victimization personality as to not have to take responsibility for myself and my actions because: I would fuck it all up in one way or another as it always happens.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to remain quiet throughout the entire unfolding of events, judging the expenses of the event as something ‘ludicrous’ without actually pondering how the point of support toward such charity could have been done in another way, but instead allowed me to believe that common sense was being considered and that I had to simply comply to what I had been invited to participate in, wherein I did not take proper time to investigate what I was going to be doing, but instead ‘trusted’ that the entire point was ‘good’ and ‘benevolent’ because of it being a charity-based auction, not really being aware of how it would precisely work.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a tendency to just believe that ‘my best interest is being guarded’ by others whenever I sign contracts and participate in events, without reading the ‘fine letter’ which is where and how I have to practically direct myself to ensure I read all contracts, that I inform myself about the details that I usually ‘shut off’ about in terms of money and money-making, to ensure that I in fact participate in something that is in the best interest of all – and if/ when realizing that such contract is not considering common sense, I must speak up and express the points to create an agreement wherein no consequential outflows of loss/ dishonesty emerge from the desire to profit in a situation that is supposed to be for charity only.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become the character of ‘I still the mind, I shove away my reactions’ based on the knowledge and information on Buddhism, believing that such event was ‘a test’ for my patience and a way to ‘vanish my ego’ by not caring about money, which is proof of how I mindfucked myself into not looking into the practical aspects of this entire event in relation to communicating openly about money, about the mechanism of how the profit would be obtained to ensure I would be aware of how I was in fact contributing to such event – in this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always fear talking about money when being in a situation of ‘working’ / selling just because of believing that talking about money makes me a ‘self-interested person,’ without realizing that this is just a matter of practical considerations in this world and that I have to stop judging money as something ‘of self-interest’ in my desire to portray myself as a ‘humble/ altruistic person’ that was only ‘in it’ for the art and the fun, when it was not so in fact because we all require money to live and everything that I did cost money – thus I ensure that I stop my self-judgment toward the use of money and money itself whenever I sign contracts/ get involved into any working situation, to ensure that I am well informed in relation to what I am practically being involved with.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that when she (the person that invited me to the exhibit/ auction) was explaining about the loss of money from the event two days later in her car, I allowed myself to take that as a complain and that she was ‘blaming it on me,’ which is a mechanism of my mind to go into ego to create further victimization and conflict inside myself, instead of actually communicating about the practical aspects that were not considered from the beginning. This implies that when and as I see myself going into ego believing that people are complaining to ‘make me feel bad/ making it all my fault’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is a mechanism that I use in order to become the ego that is ‘hurt’ so as to not have to look into my responsibility within the participation of such event and my actual lack of self-direction and proper investigation to see what I was actually going to be supporting and participating in.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others for the decisions made, compounding anger and frustration for what I have participated in thinking that ‘I must blame them for getting myself into this,’ without realizing that it was me that did not bother to ask and be informed about the practicality of such charity event in terms of Money, just because of the judgment that I had held toward Money itself as something that would make me look like a ‘self-interested person’ and not the ‘benevolent artist’ that I wanted to be seen as, wherein I constantly said that I was ‘in it’ because of the art and charity, not for the money.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain in this ‘benevolent/ altruistic persona’ wherein I avoid having to be dealing with money and conforming to whatever rules and dispositions I take part on, as long as I am supported and everything ‘works fine’ on the outside, without really getting to inform myself about how money runs in a business/ contract/ work point that I involve myself with –

 

Within this I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever agree on doing a job on photography and because it was for a religious association, I ended up not charging any money for them, even though it was agreed that I would be paid for it. Which is how within this ‘altruistic character’ I deemed that asking for money/ for my pay was self-interested, and that I had to let it go for that once, not realizing that within this I am compromising myself to not be effective in the money-system because of all the backchat held toward ‘earning money’ out of what I deem as ‘a pleasure’ such a taking photographs.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge that person as financially stupid because of not equating the final profit-for-charity made out of the auction and the expenses for the event itself, wherein I allowed myself to compound even more anger about the entire situation which was only building up further as the consequences of the entire backchat that I simply thought I had to ‘breathe through and not deal with it’ due-to/ because of that ‘still the mind’ personality/ character that I had decided to deliberately play out within that entire trip/ event in my life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fester anger and absolute irritation as the consequence of me not dealing with the backchat in the moment, and instead allowing it to compound to a point wherein I eventually explode as the consequence of not having spoken up in clarity to ensure that we are all equally informed about what is being done and what I am participating in.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge the entire charity point based on the consequences that we were facing in terms of money, instead of having had enough common sense approach to know what I was going to be participating in, and propose an actual solution to the event before hand, but instead, I allowed myself to be overridden with enthusiasm and excitement about ‘being invited overseas to exhibit my work’ without reading the fine-print on how the money point would work and function. This implies that I was the one that did not take responsibility for myself and my participation, which leads to in this anger/ ego possession, only project blame and further judgments within the self-victimization character.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself every time that I see that I depend on another financially wherein in this case, I knew that I could not end up in a ‘bad manner’ with her because my hotel bill had to be paid – thus realizing how we compromise ourselves because of money wherein common sense and equal-agreements are not placed and discussed wherein there is a point of interest behind it all, which in this case was money all the time – yet, I blinded myself by thinking or believing that ‘true altruism’ is existent and that I was in fact being invited by ‘good people,’ which is not a point of further judgment projection, but a realization of how everything works in this world through/ as/ by and for money itself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into the self-victimized state of ‘I feel cheated’ because of seeing that I could not earn money other than just giving that money to pay for my hotel bill and that was it, wherein I compensated the entire thing with thoughts like ‘I earned good reputation from it,’ wherein I then gave more worth to the recognition/ fame experience rather than actually considering the expenses that I had to cover from the expectation of being able to earn a percentage of the works.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always talk myself into the ‘positive attitude/ positive side’ of things, wherein after I see that I have lost/ that the expectations were not met, I go into thinking that ‘the experience is worth it’ and that it was a ‘cool experience’ overall, which is how we have justified the ‘learning lessons’ point in life wherein we are actually participating in mechanisms of self-abuse without really taking on the points to correct within ourselves, but instead sugar coat it with ‘positive experience’ to not have to take responsibility for what we accept and allow from each other as the mechanisms of this world system based on money/ profit and greed.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there were ‘true good intentions’ behind it all, such as supporting ‘emerging artists’ and gathering work from around the world, which is how I allowed myself to ‘calm myself down’ in the moment, ‘stilling the mind’ by accepting such positive view as real and more important than the actual money—issue that was discussed before, wherein I believed that because I was getting extremely angry toward her in my facial expression, she started ‘soothing’ the entire point by the good positive thinking attitude to it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘I must contain myself’ whenever I am boiling up in anger, which is further self-manipulation wherein I am not allowing myself to simply breathe and without reaction speak in common sense to be on equal terms, but instead remain quiet only building up an inner battle of anger vs. stilling the mind and becoming utterly displeased and frustrated about the whole situation there.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to manipulate my expression once that I have already compounded energetic reactions wherein I know beforehand that whatever I speak will be like venom trying to sound ‘correct’ while holding the anger as energy accumulated equal in intensity to the amount of time that I accepted and allowed myself to participate in backchat while remaining quiet/ not directing myself to communicate effectively with people with whom I am directly participating in a certain situation/ event/ process.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue existing as anger once that I am finally speaking out, wherein the anger then becomes seemingly ‘uncontrollable’ based on the self-righteousness that I access in that moment stemming from my perceived victimization, wherein I realize that because I have taken the ‘lesser/ victimized’ position, I believe that ‘I have the right to be angry’ at others, instead of realizing my point of self-responsibility within this situation wherein I was the one that accepted and allowed such anger to accumulate based on my laxity of self-direction due-to/ because of thinking that ‘everything was under control’ and that I did not have to worry about it, that I could just ‘let it be’ and breathe through my questions and uncertainties about the entire event, which are obvious indications that every moment that I ‘shut myself off’ without understanding why I was asking such questions lead me to a point of inevitable anger and frustration of which I didn’t see myself as absolutely responsible for.

 

I realize that I had held this event as a ‘bad experience’ in my life based on the relationship that ‘broke up’ in that moment, wherein I remain blaming the other person instead of having realized my absolute participation in every single moment that I allowed backchat to continue in judging and criticizing without taking Self Responsibility for it. Thus I see that every moment that I ‘breathed through my reactions,’ I was in fact only suppressing them to not have to face my own point of self-responsibility and instead, position myself as the ‘victim’ within the entire event.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to criticize everything and all justifications/ validations and excuses that were presented as the reason why such event took place because of not being in the moment hearing unconditionally, but I was already positioned within anger, frustration and victimization which is how no communication can be effective as I realize that once I am possessed with anger, I blind my ears as all I can see is ‘anger’ as me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to be ‘right’ about my assessment on the entire event, keeping this self-righteousness as my assessment as ‘real’ because that way I could ensure that I would remain as the victim within it all, to not see where I missed my absolute self-responsibility within my participation of every single moment of and through the entire event.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to access the pattern of me wanting to ‘leave the scene’ every time that I get into a point of conflict with another, wherein once that I am possessed with anger and frustration, I feel like crying and yelling and storming out of the place – which is all based on the amount of thoughts that I allowed myself to participate in with no sense of self-responsibility.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to buildup my anger even more every time once that I am participating in a conflict with another, they present the ‘bright side’ of the entire situation as to ‘ease the experience’ within myself, which is when I make use of them being aware that I am utterly pissed off to further enhance my self-righteous anger and simply not speak as to ‘let them know that I am utterly mad and angry’ – which is a pattern that I learned since I was a little girl and my parents and I would go into a fight, I’d play out the tantrum of being extremely pissed off and no matter what they did to ‘make me happy again’ – such as buying me some candy/ thing that I like eating – I would toss it back at them and enhance my tantrum with further crying and yelling as to let them know that ‘I was not able to be bought like that.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a self-righteousness within me to get angry/ be mad at people wherein once that I am possessed in this anger, I perceive it is too difficult to ‘let go’ of it, without realizing that it will take definitive and clear self direction to establish myself here as breath again, because anger is an indication of the accumulation of backchat over time that I allowed to ‘go by’ with no self-responsible direction to stop and instead, take responsibility for the points that instigated/ initiated the anger in the first place.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become even more irritated when the other person ended up the entire conversation with a ‘we all learned and had a good time which is what matters,’ without realizing that I have played the exact same point to make things ‘okay’ within myself at the end so that I do not have to face the consequences of not having directed me in every moment in the consideration of what is best for all.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create further disillusionment toward an entire career (!) based on one single event that lead me to believe that I was simply not able to ‘cope with the artworld’ which is a tendency that I had in relation to giving-up a point the very first moment that I see ‘it’s not working’ wherein all that I seek for is my way out of it as soon as possible, instead of facing the consequences, walking through the necessary solutions to ensure that I no longer remain as a victim in my own mind, but learn how to direct myself as life here in equality as what’s best for all.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to generate an immediate spiteful experience while thinking ‘art is just another fucking business’ as to justify my entire disillusionment and experience, wherein I allowed myself to be possessed by judgment and believing that ‘I had been cheated,’ while in fact it was all built due to and because of my laxity to be self-directive in everything I participate on, being aware of each step that I will be involved in, developing proper communication wherein there is equal understanding within the agreements that must exist when two or more people unite to give direction to a particular point/ event – and within this, also ensuring that I no longer judge money as ‘dirty business’ as I realize that this is the main judgment that lead me to create the laxity as in ‘not wanting to sound self-interested in money but only doing it because of the art,’ and also because of not wanting to exist as a ‘business person’ because of how I judged business people as ‘greedy people,’ and it all being just in my head based on the ‘puritan’ idea of myself as being not interested in money and being ‘alright’ just with the experience of going there and ‘doing my thing.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into the immediate pattern of isolating myself/ not wanting to see anyone when feeling this angry, using weed to soothe the moment and deciding that I didn’t want to be an artist any longer, which is an absolute tantrum that I threw as a constant pattern I have lived throughout my life wherein the moment things don’t go ‘my way,’ I simply step out completely of the game, lose all interest and mutate my interests into something else, just to remain within that eternal desire to fulfill myself in one way or another, which is what kept me ‘going’ in my life: creating ideals, dreams and desires that I could ‘live up to’ and in that, never really living HERE as life, but remaining only as a constant character seeking to fulfill itself in the right play.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make of my ‘torment’ and entire anger/ frustration a ‘work of art’ wherein I dedicated myself to take pictures and create a little video that I entitled muerte/‘death’ as the death of my pursuit of happiness through an artistic career within this particular frame of ‘fame’ as glamorous art exhibits. I used this video as yet another shift in my character that I gave value and meaning as to my new approach toward art from a more ‘spiritual’ perspective – which is yet another character that I will be walking as the ‘seeking for a more meaningful art’ type of artist personality, which lasted for a couple of months before I got to Desteni.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to reinforce a pattern of justifying me becoming emotional and turning it into ‘art’ which is how I fueled the pattern of ‘ You’ll need to suffer to make any real art’ /Read the entry on this point here and within this, create another layer of mindfuck to make it all ‘worthy’ for myself again when making of this event another ‘source of inspiration’ which later on became a relationship of spitefulness toward art that I had to walk through the remainder of my career. Such a love story.

 

All of these events took place in a very rapid manner wherein I went from one spot to the other like a bumblebee trying to suck the very last drop of honey to see which one would ‘work the best,’ never realizing that such eternal search for ‘something’ in separation of myself was only me existing in separation of myself here, wherein I sought to be ‘more’ that ‘moreness’ of myself in separation of myself here as breath, as life, as the physical wherein I do not require to create events and experiences to LIVE but life is here as myself in every breath.

 

Disparate 2005

 

 

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself ‘keeping quiet’ in any given situation wherein I do have questions and perspectives to share that are in essence questioning/ contradicting the nature of an event/ situation with one or more people, I stop and I breathe – I realize the pattern as the usual fear of creating conflict/ facing responsibility for myself – therefore I direct myself to ensure that I am here breathing and speak to share what I see in common sense should be considered within the event/ situation to ensure that I stand as the self-directive principle of what I accept and what I do not accept myself to participate in and exist within my world.

 

When and as I see myself accessing the victimization pattern of thinking that ‘I have been cheated’ and that ‘I am being used,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is the way for me to not face the responsibility that I hold toward a particular moment and event, and that I must stop the victimized thoughts to take self responsibility for what I have created. I realize that I can in fact simply stop getting into the cycle by developing proper communication and understanding with all people that I have a direct relationship/ agreement with in terms of the participation within an event/ activity wherein I ensure I am in fact directing me and not a character of laxity and carelessness direct myself as an ‘everything will be fine’ type of personality. I stand equal to and one with the event and the physical practical considerations with no judgment toward the pertinent questions that must be asked and considered.

 

When and as I see myself believing that I am the one ‘guilty’ for causing a problem or an emotional experience in another, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is the pattern and mechanism that I use in order to not have to take responsibility for my own participation in such event/ situation, but instead place myself as ‘the sack of blame,’ taking it all on me to confirm that I have ‘done something wrong’ and within this, victimize myself instead of taking self responsibility for my actions and words in every single moment. Instead I direct myself to not participate in any form of emotional blackmail in a conversation/ communication and walking agreement with another/ other beings, as I direct myself in common sense at all times considering the consequence and outflow of my participation and words, which is how I can ensure that I do not engage in any ‘personal conflicts’ of the mind.

 

When and as I see myself judging the outflows and consequences of an event/ situation not turning out in a best for all way, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am only judging that which I allowed to unfold with no directive principle, which is the only way that things can ‘go wrong’ = when all participants and the purpose of something is not directed toward a best for all outcome. Thus I realize that I must not trust that points are being conducted in the ‘best possible way,’ but instead I ensure that I get practically involved in informing myself within and about all decisions and everything related to that point that I will be practically participating in, to ensure that whatever I do and with whomever I co-operate, I stand as an equal-participant in equal understanding of what is being practically conducted in every step taken, and all decisions made as to ensure that there are no ‘gaps’ of misunderstanding or any other opportunity to deceive one another.

 

When and as I see myself trying to only ‘still the mind’ as in suppressing the actual thoughts and experiences, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is another way of not taking responsibility for the thoughts that I am creating in my mind, and that it is another mechanism to evade having to take responsibility for the words that I am speaking/ and thoughts that I am participating in. Thus instead of ‘shutting them off,’ I breathe and I direct myself to see who I am within such thoughts, what is the starting point of it, how can I practically assist myself with such thoughts, self-forgiving and correcting those that serve no other purpose but fueling the ego and, that way ensure that I am able to express in clarity as breath, to expose the pertinent and practical considerations within any given particular event/ situation.

 

When and as I see myself judging me for asking about money when we are speaking about a job situation, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I can only judge this point for judging money as self-interest and greed in itself, instead of considering that it is an actual practical consideration that must be equally understood in any given contract and job situation, any transaction wherein money is involved and to see it for what it is, instead of tainting it with self-judgment as in ‘loathing’ the entire monetary system just by having to receive money to live.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to blame others for having something not working properly, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is another way of diverting my own point of self responsibility toward my direct participation in events, situations and agreements – thus I take responsibility for my reactions as the result of my own lack of self direction, as I realize that I am able and capable of directing myself within the consideration of the outflows and consequences of that which I participate and that which I do not direct as myself. Within this, I see that placing myself as the directive principle in everything I participate in is the way to ensure all I participate in stands in clear-terms between all participants with an intended outcome wherein all parts are considered and the aim is what’s best for all.

 

When and as I see myself trying to portray myself as a non-interested-in-money person, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am creating this character as an ‘altruist’ and that It leads to participate in unclear businesses and monetary situations. Thus, I ensure that I direct myself to inform myself about the monetary agreements in any point I participate in without any form of judgment for asking about the how, who, when and why of the monetary situation within any given point of job/ event wherein money is involved.

 

When and as I see myself compromising my expression based on depending of another financially, I stop and I breathe. I realize that being financially dependent does not mean that I must keep quiet and comply to all the rules and regulations within no question at all. I see that I am able to be informed as a right to know what I am participating in, and this is a simple part of ensuring that whatever I do and direct myself in is not manipulated by money having ‘power over me,’ but I see money-matters as a practical and reality-based discussion due to how money is the point that allows us to live at the moment in this current system.

 

When and as I see myself trying to find the ‘bright side’ to an event and situation that went wrong/ didn’t work out as intended, I stop and I breathe – I realize the pattern of covering up the fuckups for what it is and instead direct myself to see the point that I missed throughout the entire sequence of events to take responsibility for the point missed to ensure I correct and take it into consideration from here on. And even more so, I realize that I am able to stop this entire ‘making up for’ excuses by simply directing myself effectively within the engagement of myself within a certain activity/ relationship/ point I participate in, wherein I can ensure that I am considering the outflows and consequences of my decisions in terms of what’s best for all – and that if things ‘do not work out as intended,’ I will be able to take responsibility for the point as I recognize it as my creation in full awareness.

 

When and as I see myself accessing the pattern of ‘leaving the scene’ once that I get into a conflict, I stop and I breathe. I realize that leaving points ‘unsolved’ created further rifts and that it is absolutely my responsibility to face the point in the moment by slowing myself down to breath, and talking out without participating in any emotional reaction, but simply direct the point in common sense.

 

I realize that I learned this from my mother wherein every time she would face a conflict, she’d just leave the room and go to her room and so within that thinking that I had the right to do the same within such self-victimized state, instead of taking self responsibility to ensure that I indeed remained in a position wherein I can assess my thoughts, actions and participation to ensure I take responsibility for what I manifested and walk the necessary corrections.

 

When and as I see myself accessing the pattern of dissing/ diminishing that which is no longer satisfying me or has not fulfilled me in the expected manner, I stop and I breathe – I realize that any point of judgment is in separation of myself as the point of responsibility that must walk the self-correction necessary to ensure that I see myself as the creator and responsible of a point not working out the intended way and a such, ensure that I correct the pattern within me wherein I ‘missed’ the point – thus I learn from these mistakes to ensure I stand as the correction necessary within such event/ point.

 

When and as I see myself accessing a tantrum based on self-victimization, seeking to now glorify the experience as a ‘meaningful artwork’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that there will be no need to throw tantrums and go into self victimization once that I ensure I walk in equal-understanding and self-responsibility to all points that I participate in. This is then stopping the love/hate relationship toward anything and everyone in my world to ensure that I equalize myself as all relationships and associations I form based on what’s best for all and common sense – everything else is just deviation from the principle, which implies I take it back to self, walk it through self forgiveness to see which pattern I am playing out and walk the necessary living correction.

 

I commit myself to stop any desire to fulfill myself with seeking another experience/ event/ relationship once that another one didn’t ‘work out, as this is the usual pattern that follows once the positive energy experience is depleted from one situation/ event/ point wherein we see ourselves again ‘seeking for the moreness of ourselves’ in separation of ourselves. Thus I stop, I breathe and continue walking my day to day living ensuring that I remain as breath – and stop all desires to fulfill myself through experiences.

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“Your past is just a story, and once you realize this, it has no power over you” Palahniuk Chuck

This drawing depicts that moment of the conversation in her car – however in real life I was not at the wheel. 2007

 

Blogs to Get out of Character:

• Day 45: Temper tantrum game Self Forgiveness Statements

• Day 79: Stepping out of Character with LOVED ONES

• The First Creation of Character: DAY 79

78. Be careful what you wish for

I realize how we live to ‘pursue our dreams and desires,’ however when one gets to ‘fulfill’ such dreams/ expectations, one suddenly no longer wants it, the entire ‘gist’ of keeping ourselves occupied in that yearning/ hoping and dreaming is the actual point of positivity that is generated because of how ‘unreal’ it is, it keeps us busy / occupied in our minds – it is an actual pattern that I realize I have lived when the platonic / ideal point that I pursued was no longer that ‘attractive’ to me once I had it. Once it was fulfilled, I would suddenly search for something else to create as an elusive point to ‘someday fulfill,’ which is how I could keep myself entertained in my mind.

In this case, I’m sharing about getting to experience a bit of what it feels like to be ‘on the spotlight’ in terms of being an artist, selling your work, and doing the usual promotion anyone in such world has to do.

Some background on this:

The way that I used ‘law of attraction’ was daydreaming constantly about being invited to another country to exhibit my work and be famous. Well, that ‘dream’ happened sooner than I ever expected in my life, which lifted my ego and my ‘enthusiasm’ to keep taking photographs, to continue pursuing my ‘artistic career.’ This event took place through the beginning of my second year in art school and I was already on a roll within spirituality, I was beginning to learn how to breathe yet ‘keep calm’ while actually not knowing how to deal with my reactions in such unknown environments and situations.

I went to another country alone, met the people that invited me which had found my photoblog and invited me to take part of this charity-auction and art exhibit. To me it was like a dream come true, but it all turned out to be a rather uncomfortable situation because of the extent of things that I was suddenly having to be doing and saying, being introduced to actual buyers/ ‘rich people’ that would buy the works, I felt like absolutely out of place all of a sudden, I just wanted everything to go back to normal. I got to be tired of having to be walking at the same ‘rhythm’ as this woman that is a rather famous person in her country with a packed agenda every day. I would keep breathing while riding with her and just witnessing all the relationships that she had made in order to make such charity auction with our works – I thought I was going to genuinely enjoy it, but I didn’t based on the judgments and expectations I had held about this event. I was not comfortable at having to present myself as ‘an artist,’ which was like having to deny a constant mirror of my desires to actually be recognized as one. I realized how it was ‘more fun’ to just pursue my desires, but living them out turned out to not be ‘my thing,’ which lead me to experience disillusion and another ‘career crisis’ early on.

Here I walk the Self Forgiveness on having to be with some of the buyers of my photographs and the entire experience as ‘the gifted young talented photographer’ that they portrayed me to be and had announced myself as, I felt like I was cheating everyone just because of not understanding how all characters were fake anyways.

Pattern: Wishing something with all my might and then not wanting it anymore, experiencing myself as a victim of it all.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to wish something with all my might, daydream about it and eventually when it manifests and I am ‘living the dream,’ I no longer want it.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to seek fame and fortune with a constant daydreaming application about it, wishing to be invited to exhibit my work in other parts in the world and when it did happen, feeling absolutely sad and depressed, simply because of having expectations on ‘me having a great time,’ and instead filling myself with judgments about the money system and the ‘artworld.’

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel like I was cheating everyone because I was not apparently an ‘artist’ in the proper meaning of the word, which implies that I saw myself as ‘unworthy’ of being there, and because of not believing myself to be the ‘character’ that they were expecting me to be, I experienced inner-conflict because I knew that I had sought this to become ‘true’ as a ‘who I am,’  but I felt that I was simply without a clue and felt ‘lost’ within it all, just because of perceiving myself as ‘less than’ and ‘immature’ to be part of such exhibition.

I Forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to experience fear, nervousness and constriction in my breathing whenever I was introduced to one of the ‘very important people’ that bought my artwork, wherein I would feel like I was meeting a ‘god’ that I had to make a reverence to, instead of breathing and simply communicating as I would with any other human being.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was selling myself the moment I had to ‘greet the buyers’ wherein I had initially desired to do so for the ‘importance’ it entailed, but in the moment of and when I actually had to do It, I started judging myself and believing myself to be too fake because of having to be smiling according to the idea that I thought I had to present myself as toward ‘important people’ as ‘rich people’ in order to be liked.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as a child in ‘political situations’ as ‘fancy meetings,’ learn that I had to smile and present myself as ‘gracious’ and ‘delicate,’ over-exerting what I have deemed as my ‘feminine side’ which was in this case backed up by wearing a fancy dress and perceiving myself as being ‘the star’ of the night, putting on the suit of it while judging myself in the back of my head for doing so – I realize it is unnecessary to create such inner conflict when participating in the world if I just shut my mind off and simply participate in it.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘I must smile and behave as a delicate and charming person’ as if I was ‘enchanted’ by the presence of these people, just because of them having bought my artwork and me complying to the point of having to ‘thank them’ for their contribution and essentially feeling lame for ‘having to lick their boots,’ which is how I had judged these type of interactions while growing up wherein I knew that, even if people could not stand each other and were ‘enemies,’ they would still shake hands, smile at each other and behave ‘politically, ‘ which marked my behavior in ‘society’ in what is considered to be the ‘rich and glamorous’ situations, wherein because this person that organized everything is a ‘star’ I thought I had to mimic her attitude in order to ‘please the buyers.’

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had to ‘please the buyers’ through smiling and behaving in ‘the most correct manner,’ wherein I made sure I would speak with this soft voice and appear as a very ‘knowledgeable’ and ‘profound’ person, just because of believing that that would make me more of an ‘artist’ according to what I have come to believe people expect ‘an artist’ to talk about and express themselves as.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ‘not know what to say’ when he asks me about the story behind the photos he bought, and feel insecure because of ‘trying to say the right thing,’ as a way to please them, wherein I thought that if I said the ‘incorrect thing,’ my work would not be valuable enough for them, which was an overall uncomfortable situation just because of trying to ‘fit in’ to the expectation that I created in my mind about the people based on the entire event being ‘beyond what I expected it originally to be,’ feeling intimidated by the prices, the money, the party and event in itself, wherein I felt I was completely ‘unworthy’ of being there.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to decide to ‘add more mystery’ to the story behind the photographs just to please the curiosity that I believed the buyer of the work was expecting, wherein I deliberately manipulated my expression to be more ‘poetic’ and ‘thoughtful’ and make simple photographs something ‘really deep’ just to satisfy the buyer, which depicts to what extent I compromised myself just to please people that I deemed as ‘above me’ because of their position being that of ‘being rich/ having loads of money,’ which is how I allowed myself to believe that I had to ‘reverence’ them and do whatever they wanted me to do and be for them.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to tell him a wondrous story with me aiming to ‘touch his heart’ so as to make myself more ‘valuable’ at the eyes of others, which is how this entire world-system works: build yourself a ‘sellable’ personality, sugar coat words that will delight someone else’s ears that you can benefit from, which in this case was selling my work and having to ‘please the seller’ which was an entire uncomfortable situation because in the back of my head I felt like being a prostitute, having to please the one that gave the money for the works.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to please people based on the perceived power I believe they have over me, wherein I compromised my expression such as smiling and speaking in deliberately manipulated ways so that others can confirm that ‘I am a true artist, she’s worth it!’ Just because of fearing people finding out that I had been taking photographs for less than a year before I was invited, and them feeling cheated for buying work from an amateur, which is how I compromised myself entirely because I never asked the terms and conditions and felt just ‘out of place.’ However, everyone was just playing ‘their part’ in that entire situation and I was just resisting to play the character that I had been invited to play-out initially, yet I saw it all as ‘wrong’ because of the beliefs and ideas of me ‘being honest’ toward others, not understanding how the world system works, but instead wanting to be just this humble spiritual person that gets to be famous. Which created inner conflict when seeing and realizing that I could not simply ‘play the game’ without getting lost in it, so I ended up losing my ground in that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be backchatting when people are talking to me, specifically when I am judging their words as something that ‘I have to hear’ because ‘I owe it to them’ and justifying my smile and complacency just because of money, of such people being seemingly ‘superior’ to me due to and because of the amount of money they paid for my work, wherein I feel compromised to have to hear, follow through the ‘artist-buyer’ game, yet feeling absolutely out of place because of me Thinking and becoming emotional in the inside, while having to portray the exact opposite in the outside as ‘being enjoying the moment’ and being ‘comfortable’ with an older man that has a lot of money.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react to this man from the moment that he was introduced as the president of some corporation and people telling me that ‘he was a very important person,’ to which I then reacted as in ‘I have to please him no matter what,’ which is how the money system affects and permeates all our relationships when money is the one that decides who plays which character.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ‘feel better’ about myself when he expresses that he loved the explanation, wherein I feel then positively fulfilled and like ‘I’ve done a great job’ by pleasing others and fulfilling the character expectation of what I believed I had to be toward these people: being a profound and thoughtful ‘young artist,’ and eventually starting getting lost in the flair that I got as the positive feedback from the man upon my work in general and him ‘expecting more of me’ in the future.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to start deviating my attention from the moment and start thinking about only going back to the hotel so that I don’t have to be around people any longer, which is how the point went in reverse and from having desired this type of experiences in ‘the Artworld’ of fame and fortune, I suddenly simply started disliking it a lot based on all the backchat I formed around myself not being ‘good enough’ and ‘mature enough’ to be there, which became this uncomfortable energetic experience within me, wherein I believed that I simply was in the wrong place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be hypocritical whenever I thought that I had to behave and act in a certain way in order to please people, wherein I could be smiling from ear to ear yet at the same time pondering ‘when is he going to shut up?,’ which is something that I would judge people saying, never realizing I was simply projecting my own backchat onto everything and everyone.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel ultimately uncomfortable when he grabbed my hand for an extended period of time as in ‘thanking me,’ which I immediately associated it with something sexual, which is how I started backchatting and judging myself as being a prostitute and fearing that he was ‘checking out my boobs’ in the meantime, which added more discomfort to the moment.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel like ‘fake’ because I was bulshitting people with stories about my work and ‘who I was’ as ‘a young artist,’ which was actually ‘the moment’ to express all the self talk, future projections and daydreaming that I had fed for some years up until that moment, which I came to believe that it had manifested as a result of ‘the law of attraction.’

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel like I was lying to people, thinking that I had to get a certain ‘degree’ to ‘call myself an artist, which was just me trying to wear some character proudly, never realizing that all characters are equally make-believe and that in no way do they represent who and what I really am, which means that I simply judged myself based on the value and worth that I was giving to money as ‘rich people’ and to ‘art’ and the ‘artworld’ itself, as me not being ‘worthy’ of it, not realizing that it was just people and money that I could have equalized myself to, to walk through the point without reacting. Within this

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exist in continuous judgment toward ‘the world system of money,’ wherein I reacted from the very first time that I saw the price to one of the photographs and believing that ‘they simply were not worth it,’ continuing this reaction within myself as in thinking that I had to ‘please people’ because of anyone daring to pay such amount of money for something that I deemed as ‘not worthy of it.’ So

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define money as being ‘more’ than myself, as being something that imposes power over my own beingness wherein due to and because of selling my work with such a price tag, I felt compromised to think of my work as ‘important,’ creating all this value-scheme in my mind based on how I knew that ‘the artworld worked.’ Within this I realize to what extent, I have always reacted to people differently whenever I would get to interact with ‘rich people,’ wherein I tried to behave the best way possible as a way to ‘mimic’ them as what I perceive is ‘who they are’ based on the amount of money they have being translated to ‘being well educated,’ this is without realizing that I was just playing the same game that everyone does in the world system, yet I simply wallowed in judging it instead of not taking it personal, walking through the point and being able to express myself indistinctly of ‘who everyone is’ according to the money they have.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to also feel flattered and feel that my ego was being stroked because of all the compliments which is when I felt ‘good’ about it all on the surface, yet battling inside myself because of seeing it all as ‘too staged’ and ‘too fake’ to be real – never realizing that this entire world was it equally and one a stage, and we are all characters. I realize that all the inner conflict I experienced in that time of my life was because of beginning to realize the lies that we have lived as ‘our life,’ which became instead of an understanding: a burden, judging myself for having to participate in this system, getting to seek to escape it further instead of considering that I could support myself to stand one and equal to it.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘lost’ within such event, wherein I allowed myself to be overridden by the appearances of everyone, by the place, the music, the entire situation of me having to play ‘the guest star’ within it all, to which I thought that I had to first ‘actually be’ an artist in order to please people’s expectations of myself as it.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to start judging everyone when realizing that it was all ‘too fake’ and illusory as everything was just because of money, not realizing that this entire world is existing as that: a staged scenario run by money where people relate to each other based on the economical dependencies formed, wherein those that have the most money are reverenced and pleased with anything they want – and those with no money or below the ‘higher planes’ of society’s members, have to continue working to please the minority with less money to escalate in the social stratus and eventually be and become an elite person like them.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to shove away all observations and judgments I had toward such charity event even before accepting to go it, and all because of believing that it was all ‘too fake to be real,’ never realizing that this entire world as the society and its functioning created by humans is equally staged and with no common sense direction.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into depression when thinking too much about the environment, the relationships between people as observed through my eye as being of only convenience as ego-recognition and because of money, wherein I start feeling disgusted by having to participating in ‘such event,’ without realizing that I was just witnessing first hand how the monetary system works and how the relationships in this world work base on money and fulfilling each other’s positive experience when money is the driving force of such relationships of ‘abundance.’

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to wallow into sadness while waiting to leave the hotel to go to my hotel and believing that I was used and abused, without realizing that I had complied to be there and play ‘the artist’ as it had been ‘my dream’ for a very long time, not realizing that I was simply being and becoming aware of how the world really works, wherein I realize that judging it is further separation and that I can actually participate in the world system without adding more judgments toward it, but instead ensure that I learn how to walk it through breathing through all the necessary points to ensure I no longer stand as ‘reactive’ person toward this world system of money, but instead work on myself to share and propose the Equal Money System, where no one will ever have to lie to get some money flowing.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to experience disillusionment about my own dreams that when living them to a certain extent, I simply wanted it all to end as fast as possible, just because of how I had idealized life and the artworld wherein I didn’t really consider what It would mean to have to interact and be ‘famous,’ which I thought to be something great but when having a taste of it, participating in self-judgment and getting ‘depressed’ because of it not being thaw I had envisioned at all.

I realize that I could have only judged myself because of how I had judged money as bad, as something evil and ‘dishonest,’ yet wanting to separate my dreams of ‘fame and fortune’ from such evil, which was obviously an ensured inner battle that became just another reason and excuse for me to want to stop pursuing such dreams by further rejection and reaction toward the people involved in the event, never really considering how I had participated in the entire event and situation with full awareness – and that’s the point to further open up: how we know what we are doing, but prefer to not be aware of it in order to not feel ‘guilty’ for participating, which is absolute self-deception.

Self Corrective Statements:

When and as I see myself seeking to fulfill a desire, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is a mere point of entertainment in my mind to keep me occupied finding ways to satisfy such desire, when in fact I already know how once the desire is obtained, I eventually create something new to desire as that is the way the mind is constantly occupied seeking for ‘something’ outside of myself, without realizing that I am here and that I do not require to become a desire in separation of myself.

When and as I see myself doubting myself as ‘who I am’ and ‘who I must be’ for others in relation to being a particular profession/ occupation and ‘acting’ like it, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I do not require to define me according to a profession, a career and ‘wear the suit’ to be recognized as such – I am a human being that is able to participate and direct oneself in the world within practical ways wherein the point that matters is the consideration at all times of what is best for all to be, do and direct oneself as.

When and as I see myself reacting in inferiority and uncertainty toward people that are deemed/ considered as ‘rich’ because of having a lot of money, I stop and I breathe. I realize that with me reacting to ‘money’ as ‘who they are,’ I am perpetuating the hierarchical system that is imposed onto life according to the value/ worth in separation of ourselves that we have created as the illusionary ‘power’ that money entails upon another being. I direct myself to express myself here, in common sense within the consideration of being talking to a fellow human being and that’s it.

When and as I see myself smiling in a forced manner toward people in order to seem ‘agreeable’ and ‘affable,’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that it is actually a coping mechanism to be liked by others because of believing that If I don’t smile = people won’t like me/ won’t support me in this case to ‘buy my work,’ which is just a social convention that I learned as a child and that I see is not necessary if I instead am able to share myself in common sense without any form of persuasive presentation to be liked/ accepted by others.

When and as I see myself accessing the ‘charming person character,’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is a coping mechanism so that I can be ‘easily liked/ accepted’ by others, instead of me actually supporting myself to remain breathing, relaxing my face and being aware of the words I speak as an actual expression of myself in the moment, in common sense.

When and as I see myself trying to ‘say the right thing,’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am accessing the personality of ‘wanting to be liked/ accepted by others’ which is only self-manipulation as the ‘who I am’ in my mind based on the past. Instead I direct myself to express in the moment with no preconceived ideas of ‘who I am,’ but simply speak in the moment, communicating in common sense.

When and as I see myself using words to be seen/ perceived as being ‘more’ than myself in the moment, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am accessing the ‘agreeable persona’ that seeks another’s acceptance through the belief of me being/ having to be someone ‘special.’ Thus I direct myself to become aware of my expression being here as breath, wherein I ensure that what I speak is a representation of myself in the moment of breathing, sharing with no ‘loaded personality’ to obtain something in separation of myself.

When and as I see myself perceiving that something/ someone has power over me in relation to the amount of money they have, I stop and I breathe. I realize that through me accepting this as a form of ‘authority’ is me perpetuating the same system of hierarchical order that does not consider life. Thus I direct myself to stop all judgments toward others based on ‘how much money they have,’ and communicate in common sense within the consideration of being equal human beings of flesh that communicate.

When and as I see myself accessing the desire to ‘be alone/ be left alone’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am creating this experience based on the judgments I am projecting onto people, the environment, a place and situation in separation of myself. I thus breathe and realize that I am able to stop creating of any given moment as an ‘experience’ by breathing, walking in self forgiveness the judgments I generate and as such, ensure that I am not defined by people, the environment and the situation, but realize that I am here, breathing, I direct and continue walking.

When and as I see myself feeling uncomfortable with another ‘stranger’ touching me, I stop and I breathe. I realize that in these ‘social situations’ any experience is created by me ‘thinking’ and backchatting about it. I direct myself to not judge and place meanings onto actions that I can instead walk through breathing and at all times remaining in common sense to ensure no abuse is allowed either.

When and as I see myself inflating my ego by receiving compliments about anything I say or do – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am not the judgments that anyone can say about me as all judgments are points of separation as ‘value’ that is in no way who I really am as life – thus I stop any positive or negative reaction by remaining here as breath and self-forgiving any experience that emerges if a word ‘strokes my ego,’ as this is what I am committed to stop: seeking a sense of satisfaction by and through the positive feedback one is able to get from others about ‘who we are’ and ‘what we do’ – which is all personality/ character based.

When and as I see myself feeling like I was being ‘used and abused’ in a situation where money is involved and ‘me’ serving to ‘earn money’ – I stop and I breathe. I realize that self-victimization is the way for me to not take responsibility for what I accept and allow in my world, which is how I have to ensure that all that I get myself involved in, I study with care and considering all consequences and outflows of such decision, instead of just allowing myself to be ‘overridden’ by desire and making decisions based on energetic experiences such as desire/ fulfilling dreams that are Not practical ways to make decisions in life.

I commit myself to be and become specific about the contracts that I will sign, about the activities I will be involved with and not hesitate to ask about money and how the actual ‘workings’ of the money earned will work as I realize this prevents further ‘misunderstandings’ and ‘surprises’ based on not having asked from the very beginning in full clarity about it.

When and as I see myself wanting to ‘immediately escape’ a situation by creating backchat where I can degrade everything and everyone around me as a way to justify my ‘way out of it,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize this is a looping-mechanism wherein instead of me taking responsibility for the choices I’ve made, I access the ‘escapism’ that I believe I can apply whenever I am ‘no longer pleased’ with something, instead of actually first taking responsibility for everything that am and become, ensuring that I walk through the consequences in a self-directive manner to not just wish my way out, but instead face what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become in a practical manner.

I also realize that the entire outflow of events can be stopped from the very first moment that I see myself participating in backchat and degrading judgments about others/ an event/ environment, which is how we can stop the entire chain of events in this consequential outflow that can be stopped from the very first thought that I see myself participating within, in relation to not wanting to face a point that I have created for myself in/ as my world.

I’ll continue walking this character of ‘the artist.’

Blogs

Day 78: Stepping out of Character

Looking for MORE of mySELF: DAY 78