Tag Archives: bad relationships

622. Update on Self-Honesty

 

Recently I’ve had two different situations that got me to a better understanding of self-honesty even though I’ve been integrating this concept for ten years now – it definitely changes as one goes walking life in trial and error mode, which is a constant point to consider in life as well and not have any judgment about it! Quite relevant too.

This opened up in relation to the audios related to Memories on Eqafe.com* and other ones that relate more to Self-Honesty** – and even though the main topic is not about what I will share here – it assisted greatly to see how I had been judging someone’s self honesty as good or bad and with that, my ‘usual’ approach to it is to try and ‘fix them’ which in my mind, sounded great! A ‘good thing’ to do, but that’s the problem!

See, I’ve justified intervening too much on someone’s path and process to the point where the hidden agenda is just trying to make them ‘fit’ my ideal version of them that I have created in my own mind (!) which has little to do with the reality and totality of who a person is and their own self-honesty – their pace to walk things, their nature, their pros and cons, their strengths and weaknesses –  as something that needs to be gotten to be known, understood, respected, considered and honored because that’s what this process is about: realizing and understanding our individuality and deciding who we are in relation to each other within that awareness.

This opened up further as I commented on what I learned about those recordings with my partner and that was an enjoyable conversation where I got to consider and look back at my life, the various situations where I have considered myself ‘failing’ – such as in relationships for the most part’ – and based on what my partner shared as well, I got to see and realize what it means to embrace someone’s self-honesty and how much I have been wanting to control, manipulate and justify my desire to ‘change’ people even at a thought level of intent, in order to ‘suit me’ and ‘my ideal’ I have created about them.

This I’ve done especially within the context of partners in personal relationships and how upon discussing the various patterns I found in relation to my past relationships, he assisted me to look at the ‘repeated mistake’ so to speak that I ‘fell for’ every single time – and as much as I might not be seeing ‘the full picture’ now just yet – I did discover that a part of me would simply sugar coat and focus on all the good, all the potentials that I ‘saw’ in a person that I would decide to walk with in a relationship, which made me simply obfuscate, cringe at, brush aside, suppress any reactions to seeing the reality and totality of them in who they are – their ‘negative aspects’ or dare I say the totality of who they are in themselves – which of course Had to happen! Because none of us are perfect human beings, nor will we be to anyone else’s eyes (because each one has their own ‘ideals’ of perfection or what’s the best another can be and so forth, which is a point each one of us can look at because it is extremely limiting) and I had sort of built a trap every single time because of deciding to ‘make things work’ with men I decided to be in a relationship with and focusing on all the ‘good’ and ‘positive’ things I would see in them, and in a way believe that the rest of all that I defined as weaknesses, flaws, ‘problematic behaviors,’ would be ‘sorted out by themselves’ and that ‘I could live with it’, that it would ‘not matter…’

But reality has now shown me that I simply had the wrong starting point every single time which led to the inevitable end by creating a form of disenchantment ‘projected’ – dare I say Imposed – onto them based on the ideal that I had created as the ‘expected’ living potential that I imagined they could be 24/7, and in that simply not living with the reality of them, the facts of the matter which is: we all have our pros and cons and there’s no person that can be ONLY looked through the eyes of ‘all things good and benevolent’ at all. This is the self-deception point that I thought I was considering in my head, but it wasn’t a grounded consideration in terms of Living and applying that realization practically, but it was only an acceptance and allowance at a knowledge level which ended up mostly with me living in denial and saying to myself saying ‘yeah I can handle it’ but reality then would show: nope, you really don’t want to and didn’t consider all things and the reality of the matter in fact.

This leads to compromise and the points I’ve had to look at is why I was willing to compromise myself in order to ‘make something work out’ and then there is a fine balance between working with my own reactions and testing out living with a certain reality, or when living with a certain type of person is simply not part of what I am willing to live with, even if I work through my reactions, judgments etc. And that’s what my self-honesty is, not ‘good’ not ‘bad’ it just is where I am at the moment in my life.

What does that mean? At times I would set myself to be with people I defined to be ‘very challenging’, having particular issues within themselves that I thought I could assist them in figuring them out, so that the potential that I ‘saw’ in them would simply ‘reign’ over all the ‘negative’ stuff so to speak, and they would simply decide to ‘better themselves’ because of the relationship because of ‘being with me’ lol which is conditional and foolish too – which is absolutely compromising and conditional as well when it comes to asking someone ‘to change’ in order to be in a relationship…that’s just a recipe for codependence and disaster. But! I wasn’t aware of how I was standing in that position when I did this kind of calculations and not realizing the kind of disservice I was doing to someone else’s path and process in life, when wanting to – according to me-  save them, help them, wanting to ‘achieve’ what I ‘thought’ was best for them… but in that not considering at all who they really are, what their actual intent on themselves and their own life is – sometimes not being anywhere around nearby or even looking at what I was looking – so in other words, I was imposing ‘my expectations’ on them and not considering the facts of who they are, in fact.

I can cringe at the memory of all of this and doing it over and over and over again in relationships, making it ‘ok’ for me to ‘gloss over’ all of those things that I wasn’t genuinely willing to live with – embrace – in another, and simply ‘kept focusing’ on all the ‘good things,’ resulting in creating a polarized way of looking, understanding and perceiving another human being, which is not supportive, not respectful and not honoring myself and them as individuals that in no way are perfect or completely ‘good’ or ‘completely bad’ for that matter.

Morality is usually the trap in this, and as much as I thought I wasn’t acting based on good vs bad assessments, I in fact was, because I got stuck in wanting to have another human being ‘fit my idea of an ideal partner’ and even if I thought I was embracing their struggles, points that are tough to change or that they are not willing to change, I wasn’t entirely considering what it would mean to live with them in the totality of who they are, because I kept ‘hope’ as a major obstacle in this: hoping They would change, instead of focusing on me and what I would have to work with in order to embrace someone else, or make a very factual decision of not being willing to live with that.

I have discussed this before in relation to helping and hope, but the ‘new’ I bring forth here is a second step to this realization, which is how I was essentially repeating the same type of approach in my current relationship, and it is only through sharing my ‘history’ behind this that I could get a grounded understanding on how it all starts with something ‘as simple as’ focusing only on the good, the positive, the agreeable aspects that I see in a partner or potential partner and ONLY focusing on that.

This practically means that in reality, I would still judge, react or suppress my thoughts and experiences when witnessing something that I would dislike about ‘them’ and cover this up with a compensation-thought (justification and reasoning) such as: ‘but they are very good at this/that and they have this/that type of beneficial aspect’ so in way, it was like turning a blind eye to it, not wanting to see it, understand it, admit it or embrace it as part of someone’s nature and self-honesty. I instead built a cocoon around them based on how I wanted to see them and stick to that view, which is what, yes, we as humans mostly do when deciding to engage with someone in a partnership relationship, that’s the infamous saying of ‘seeing someone through the eyes of love’ but! I wasn’t aware I was doing this… until fairly recently lol.

I made a recording called ‘Changing my relationship to memories’ about this explaining how this opened up with my partner – if you want to listen to it – and the examples he gave me, but I realized how much he had been very explicit in disclosing his major ‘defects’ from the very beginning and how he defines himself as being 55% ‘dishonest’ in that sense and disclosing all of the ways in which according to him, defines him as a person that has been living not in truth but in dishonesty and having to lie and cheat in order to make a living at times, in order to have a certain position in his life etc. and how he has managed to change his view on life and therefore towards others to embrace more of his dishonesties and ‘garbage’ as he calls it in order to stop feeling so negative and gloomy about life, which led him to become more authentic in that he is not afraid to admit his ‘garbage’ as he calls it and admit that ‘that’s who he is’ for now and the reasons why he is and how he is not planning to change those aspects for practical reasons in his life at the moment.

When he disclosed this, there was an immediate reaction of wanting to convince him that ‘he has to change those aspects now!’ or ‘that I would not want to be with someone that admits to being 55% garbage and not do anything about it!’ lol, I didn’t go into this kind of inner conflict in an overwhelming manner, but the thoughts that came up were in the nature of ‘I gotta do something to change his view about this’ – yet again! – but the discussion precisely became that of realizing that I precisely Have to Stop trying to manipulate, control and change him and others, for real!

I realized how I had felt always entitled to ‘ask’ this to people based on the situation of being in a partnership and how I felt entitled to demand some form of change in order to ‘stay in the relationship,’ instead of actually deciding to Embrace a person as they are – with their 55% percent of garbage or more, because that’s their self-honesty – and being willing to live with the 100% of who they are because of deciding that the principles they stand on and their personal purpose in life is something that I can live with, without judging, cringing at or secretly wanting them to change aspects that I see as ‘part of the 55% garbage.’

That conversation was sort of life changing for me, because from that moment on, even if he had been quite directive about all the times when I was imposing myself onto him, trying to control him and at times wanting to decide ‘what’s best for him,’ – and me being grateful for the feedback – it would only become that in me, he didn’t even cringe at the fact that I wasn’t changing my approach just ‘realizing’ what I was doing at a thought level but still justifying my imposition towards him.  

So from that moment on, I’ve been able to more effectively stop my immediate reactions and responses to things he shares where I would literally behave like a mother that wants their child to ‘behave properly’ and ‘not be a bad person’ type of thing, which means, I would always come up with something that would impose, sometimes demand that such way of looking at things or people needed to be changed because! It didn’t ‘fit’ MY view or values on things, and in this not realizing I was imposing my own self-honesty onto him and others, making this recrimination look ‘good’ in my own eyes, perceiving I was doing a ‘good thing’ in externalizing this view and never questioning how and what it is to truly get to embrace and understand someone’s self-honesty, which means: I don’t need to change it, I don’t need to judge it, I can only work on my own reactions towards it, I need to focus on looking back at what I see I would like ‘someone else’ to change and do that within myself. Then, it becomes a practical assessment of whether I am willing to walk with or be related to someone based on that ‘totality’ of who they are, instead of seeing through a filter of ‘goodness and benevolence’ that leads to suppressing, judging, cringing at things that eventually become memories of things that I realized I wasn’t willing to live with/cope with or embrace in another as a life partner. And this is something that is also a very personal point of self-honesty, which means some people will be perfectly fine with embracing someone’s way of being in its totality, some others won’t – and that’s fine.

The same applies towards me. I realized how much I would put pressure on him on many aspects and it doesn’t create an emotional reaction in him, but simply him pointing out to me that  very ingrained nature in me which is that of being a controller and manipulator in essence to have people in my life that I can shape, mold and turn them into what I believe is ‘the best version of themselves,’ but this is not considering the individuality of the other person, at all really. So, yep! I had understood my control-freakism and this stubborn nature at a knowledge level, it’s been merely an understanding or realization.

The point now is to live the actions that lead to a correction of this on a daily basis, and I got a cool match in this case because when living with someone that is not afraid to expose the ‘nasty’ aspects of his relationship with others and how he views things and is definitely tough-headed when it comes to how he likes to be and do things, it creates a more open and continuous challenge for me to not go into judgments, reactions or wanting to immediately ‘create a solution’ for them to change… this is then about me learning to understand, embrace and work with my own reactions towards all of those seemingly ‘bad’ aspects about another – but in fact, this is about learning to not see myself and others through the morality-filter of good or bad any longer, but as parts, aspects of another that are themselves as well, that I can give feedback on or share how I view things in my own life and how I deal with them Without! A secret agenda behind it, hoping that they would listen to my words and change their ways based on my feedback.

No, this is about me for real this time learning to stop reacting, stop wanting to immediately ‘sort someone out’ because I have also begun to understand how MY self-honesty is mine and mine alone, cannot be imposed onto anything or anyone else, that’s my process and I can only share how I walk things, how I approach things, what I decide to live with and what I decide I don’t want to live with. Not about judging, making more or less of something or someone, but about a simple assessment of asking myself ‘what am I willing to live with?’ and assessing my stance in relation to it all.

In the end, based on my various past experiences, If I lie and deceive myself and others, the truth eventually comes out and it will be invariably consequential if I allow myself to not be ‘ok’ with certain things in relationship to another and not voice them out or be frank and honest with myself to realize ‘Ok, I can’t live with this in fact’ and stop hoping that it would eventually change.

I consider that this opened up a cool phase in my relationship now, because we are both fully aware of the point I have to work with and it tests me to not always be having to give some kind of judgment of ‘this is good, this is bad’ and framing a person into a positive or negative light, but simply be willing to understand, get to know someone in the totality of who they are and why not, learning and appreciate them as well. In my case I am grateful for the fact that there is an openness to share things that maybe most people – including myself-  would tend to hide and keep secret about ourselves and how we view life, people, situations. So this was also another lesson for me to be OK with sharing, saying the things that I am still aiming to work on and change, and not try and ‘stick to the positive side’ only, or always have ‘the right word to say’ because that also becomes a lockdown to not look at, accept and embrace the things I would usually hide or judge as just ‘plain negative’ and go into a form of denial about myself, which is the same as hiding from a truth that is also me and that I have to look at and work on.

In essence, this is about embracing my own mind as well, as much as I’ve discussed the embracing of someone else, it is about learning to do that for me first n my own life, and seeing that the world won’t fall apart if I start being more open to myself about my true nature, the one that I have kept secret or that I’ve wanted to hide because of wanting to be seen in a positive light. So see how limiting and caging those are? Lol, I’ve known about the dangers of polarizing stuff for a decade, but only now do I ‘get it’ as in really get to see and understand how I was doing that on a daily basis and even more so towards people that I was directly feeling entitled to be more intimate with, such as with partners in relationships.

Having this kind of conversation was quite liberating, it assisted me to understand a bunch of other things in relation to memories and how I was polarizing certain phases and people in my life to fit my own personal agenda, to create a ‘nice story’ about myself where I am the good one and others turn out to be the ‘bad ones,’ definitely not a way to hold anyone’s life captive in memories of good and bad morality judgments. This is about learning to live, embrace, get to know, appreciate and recognize others for who they are, without any further intent other than support, and that doesn’t mean: ‘I want to change them!’ but support them in whichever realizations or points of change they get to – or don’t get to. That’s where I can always decide what and who I share my life with, and this is quite empowering, to say the least.

Ok that’s the story, thanks for reading and definitely check out those Eqafe recordings, because they are very useful and life changing:

On Memories:

On Self-Honesty:

 

Self and Living videos about this as well – even if title doesn’t show at first hand – give them a go and watch them:

 

 

Join in if you want to start walking your own process of defining your Self-Honesty 

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528. Hostages of the Past

Or how I’ve been existing in righteousness about the ideas, beliefs, opinions and perceptions towards people that I haven’t seen in a long time yet have dared to create an opinion about ‘who they are’ in their lives – and standing up from the gossipy me.

I listened to this audio interview called Directing Relationships and found it quite supportive considering I had a similar situation recently based on having to explain my past relationship with someone that another person also got to know of and we both had the point in common that our relationship with that person ended up with some kind of discontent on that person’s side so, in a way through this conversation we were seconding our perspectives about that other person being conflictive or ‘the problem.’

However the reality of the point is that I haven’t really talked to this person we were talking about in years and even if our last failed interaction ended up in me being like ‘what did I do that made him get so pissed off?’ I never really made any move to clarify things or haven’t made any decision to get in contact with the person and see where they’re at in their life currently, because ‘I saw no point’ but the reality is that there are judgments there that created such vacuum for me towards that other person.

Based on what I got from this sharing that Sunette recorded in that audio, I got to see how I did participate in a form of gossip in that conversation, where I was caging the person in a definition of who they were over ten years ago and where I last saw them which was almost four years ago, which means: a long time ago already.

I’ve noticed that I’ve actually kept this and many more people in my life in a particular bubble of judgments as all the reasons why I stopped talking to them, why I cut ties with them at the time – this mostly happening some 9 or 8 years ago, which is already quite a long time to even believe that I have a say on ‘who these people are’ currently, because I know for myself that I am certainly not the same person I was 10 years ago and that any idea, belief or perception I’ve kept throughout this whole time about someone being ‘this or that’ without actually talking to them and referencing ‘who they currently are’ ends up being an assumption and yes also a form of gossip where I believe ‘I know’ the person ‘so well,’ but is it, really? Not at all.

And another aspect is that even if I would spend my days with such person currently, I would still not have any authority to have a definitive say about ‘who they really are’ as a person, because it all would still be my perception, my opinion and limited judgment about another.

So I got a very cool wakeup call through this recording where I got to see where I had just precisely done that whole gossiping myself without even having identified it as such to begin with, because I was really certain about my ‘final verdict’ on ‘who this person is currently’ and I was standing in my judge position as if I knew exactly who the person is, not considering the time that has passed and the lack of interaction with them currently.

Therefore, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold people in my past as hostages in my mind, wherein I would only ‘release them’ if I could have any interaction with them where I could define that ‘I am ok towards them again’ and therefore, release all of the judgments of the past, instead of realizing that I am the one that has created this whole hostage situation based on my own judgments and that it is because of those judgments that I would not actually allow myself to approach them currently in my life, even if an opportunity would arise, which I hereby realize I have to change and be willing to be open and approachable if the opportunity arises to see, talk and hang out with these people again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in gossip towards another person that I believe I know ‘so well’ and speak from past memories of who I believed them to be ten years ago, while pretending to know ‘who they currently are’ as if I had an authority over them and have a say on their lives and ‘how they are’ which is not at all so.

Here I realize that what came through are all the judgments that I’ve kept towards that person as a series of reasons and justifications of why I decided to not talk to that person again, wherein I made up a belief in my mind of ‘who they are’ and thus why we are no longer able to get along or talk to each other – this is limiting for myself because I am holding another captive in my mind based on past judgments, which means I am holding myself captive to my own judgments as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I have any say about another person that I haven’t had any contact with in years, yet that I’ve held in the exact same position of ten years ago where I last interacted with them sufficiently to say ‘I know them’- when in fact, I currently do not know them, haven’t talked to them at all therefore have no say in ‘where they’re at’ in their life or ‘what they’re all about’ – which means that any judgments and opinions I shared with another person about this person is nothing else but gossip, assumptions, opinions and judgments which I would certainly not want any person to do onto myself, therefore I have to live my own principles and not dare to speak of another out of old memories, experiences and judgments that I’ve held towards another for so long and that I have to take responsibility for within myself, not share my own ‘backchat’ about them with others as ‘the truth of who they are’ which is definitely now who I want to be in conversation with other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my opinions and judgments towards another individual because of believing that ‘I know that person so well’ that I am entirely correct in all of my assessments, and therefore it gives me this ‘authority’ to say what I have to say about the person – when in fact, it is actually really daring to say ‘I know someone’ in the totality of who they are even if they were part of my own family or a close relationship, because most of the times we really don’t know a person in their totality and therefore it doesn’t give us any ‘authority’ to speak about them or define them in a set of words that I’ve kept mostly as a reason, justification and excuse to not have to align my relationship towards that person in self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘I am right’ in my words and assessment about that person because this is what I’ve told to myself for all of these years to justify keeping that person in a ‘cage’ in my own mind, which I have not even dared to open up and investigate for myself, what the truth and reality of my relationship with that person entailed in my life and the impacts it had  in general, where I do not only look at all the seemingly ‘bad’ but instead I can also now dare to see it and open it up to recognize the aspects that I could take form that person in my own life and benefit from it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep the idea of a person in my head captive, judging them and loading them with ‘all the bad stuff and aspects I could think of’ in order to also make myself belief that ‘there is no value in another person because of all of that’ when in fact, I am the only one that is devaluing myself in keeping judgments like these about another person, even more so when not having kept in contact with them for such a long time which means, I don’t really know the person currently and I have no say in where they’re at in their lives currently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become an absolutist judge in my head towards people in my past where I ended off relationships because of only focusing on ‘all the bad aspects’ that I saw at the time in them and so in a way giving up ‘on them’ without realizing that I in fact gave up on myself and my ability to learn to see a person for who they are in their totality, with all the pros and cons and not ‘give up’ on someone based on only focusing on the  problems, conflicts or disagreements that we had during a relationship, but instead be willing to also see the supportive and constructive aspects of a person as well, instead of believing that because I am no longer in a relationship with them and haven’t seen them in such a long time, I have a right to diminish and judge them with all my past judgments that were also created and kept from the time where I got to be most radical in myself and very absolutist in nature as well, which in the end has only been a limitation in me to not approach them with clear eyes myself.

Therefore I realize that I’ve kept my own righteousness, absolutism and judgmental perspectives upon people after all of this time based on ideas, beliefs or perceptions that I certainly see do not honor them as beings, nor does it all honor myself as the holder of all of that backchat as opinions, judgments, beliefs about ‘who others are’ which actually do not define them, but define myself as I am the creator and holder of such judgments ‘towards others.’

I hereby commit myself to stop holding others as hostages of the past in my own mind – including myself as well – wherein I have to remind myself that I can only be holding myself captive by those judgments wherein I am the one creating a barrier to not interact with these people anymore or believe that I would not dare to talk to them again, all of it based on memories, ideas, prejudices of the past which would mean I haven’t really self-forgiven and let go my relationships with them ‘back then.’

Therefore I have to give myself the opportunity to start from scratch and let go of the notion of having ‘a say’ about anyone of my past, and instead dare to get to know who they currently are, what they are about, how they are currently doing in their life and open up a door for me to also transcend a lot of my judgments of the past and within that, transcend the ‘judgmental me’ that I’ve kept with righteousness for so long within myself.

I also here commit to stop holding myself captive in ‘who I was’ in the past and therefore who I was in interactions with others in the past, so that if and when anyone speaks about another person that I used to be related with a long time ago, I can genuinely say that I sincerely not know where they’re at right now or how they are doing and I cannot really say I ‘know them so well’ either, because I only interacted them such a long time ago that it is not a fresh perspective that I can have any authority to share with another – and even if I had any current interaction with another, I genuinely have no say in defining another person with a few words in their totality either.  I can instead share a general experience of how I interacted with that person ‘back in the day’ while clarifying  that this is how it was before, that this defines me and my experience only, so this is only memory and perception based and has no validity to define who the person actually is.

By sharing these past experiences and emphasizing on how they were ‘experiences of the past that don’t define the person currently, nor myself’ I can also possibly assist others in learning to see for themselves how we tend to hold others captive in our minds based on a conflict or disagreement that happened in the past, which ultimately diminishes our ability to transcend our own limitations as judgments, perceptions, opinions and beliefs about ourselves and others.

So, I will walk as well a personal process in opening up more in relation to this person in my life because it is for a reason that they keep ‘coming up’ in my awareness and it might just be because I have kept them ‘in a cage’ in my mind, loading the idea of that person with opinions, judgments and perceptions that I sincerely had not actually realized I was doing, because of being completely believing that ‘I was right’ about my perceptions on that person and in essence, containing myself in a relationship with them of avoidance, of judgment, of holding a grudge and perceiving that ‘they were a mistake of my past’ which is part of what I have to deconstruct for myself for sure and so set myself free and set the idea I have of this and many others in my life ‘free’ in my mind, and standing one and equal to who they really are.

Thanks for reading.

 

 Captivity


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