Tag Archives: bad

584. Walking Through the Veils of Shame

Or walking through the character weakness I created through cheating in relationships and turning it into a current self-committed strength.

In this same process of doing a bit of a ‘looking back’ in my life and the things that I’ve been most ashamed of and regret and have in essence kept as stuff that had ‘haunt’ me as my past was cheating in relationships. As I write this I look away from the screen for a moment because a part of me would not want to expose this side of myself, would prefer to keep things ‘to myself’ but I also see the benefit of not only sharing about this to ‘expose’ myself in the past, but more so to share what I considered as a very personal process that ‘I should keep to myself’, but this was mostly because of existing in shame towards it and judging that ‘tendency’ of myself as something really bad, unforgivable, that caused pain and sorrow in others.

This has been something that I have immediately linked to reviewing shame as it’s been opened up in the awesome audio support here:  Facing and Forgiving Real Shame (Part 1) – Demons in the Afterlife  and Facing and Forgiving Real Shame (Part 2) – Demons in the Afterlife  and through having such support as well as looking at and opening up the word ‘reconciliation’ within me, I saw that I had not made peace with this aspect of myself, mostly also because of keeping it as something that I should never speak of or admit about myself.

I have worked with this for myself, and even if I knew what I was doing at the time, I simply didn’t want to change my ways and would like to ‘keep my possibilities open’ which I only managed to change in the past relationship I had and I’m quite glad about that with myself in how through walking this process and from the very beginning of the relationship, I made a decision to no longer allow myself to ‘waver’ in my decision to be with that person even if we weren’t physically together right away, I made that decision to for once live that commitment to myself, to show to me that I could in fact stop having ‘affairs’ in thought, word or deed when it comes to personal relationships, and I am grateful to myself that I did this even if yes, there were surely moments that I could have defined as ‘openings’ or ‘temptations’ if you will, which surely are never ‘gone’ as such because I realize I have the ability to decide what I define as a ‘temptation’ to begin with which in a way it’s a whole word in itself to open up, which already implies a form of weakness from my perspective, where I believe that ‘I cannot help myself/cannot control/cannot direct’ myself in something and thus ‘fall’ into it, which surely I did experience in relation to cheating as such, which is why I had to yes, of course, let go of that ability within me to make it quite simple to act out on what I saw as an opportunity or potential.

To me the source of shame was more in relation to knowing what I caused in others, the consequences when this happened to be known. Shame and regret emerged within the realization that I was the cause of a lot of turmoil, depression, sadness in in someone’s life, and also how ‘shameless’ I was at the same time in doing it,  with without their awareness in my past relationships, which I have by now become aware all were motivated as with many other things in our lives, by the idea of something better, new, more exciting, or simply doing it because ‘the opportunity was here’ and taking it as an ‘innocent’ moment which was of course not living the word innocence in a supportive manner, but more through an experience to veil my responsibility at the time and the actual fear of the potential consequences, like it is explained in this other awesome supportive audio Using Innocence to Defend Fear – Quantum Physical, which I recommend to understand how this ‘misuse’ of the word innocence takes place within ourselves, that was quite helpful for me to also open up this point recently.

I could also say, yes it still was someone else’s decision to dive into such depressive experience upon becoming aware of what I had done, but my part in the whole point is having been dishonest and creating a consequence that in normal terms of course it is not something that is received in stability by most people. So, I have beaten myself up – figuratively speaking – quite a few times for this kind of situations that yes I caused and contributed to creating, while at the same time over time and over some more years after that, I still would do it and not really make a decision to change, until I did after deciding to actually change this ‘tendency’ and pattern within me that I had veiled myself off by seeing it as something that is ‘just here’ and ‘just happened’ while being fully aware that of course it always takes one’s decision to do or not do something.

 

 

I’ve also learned through communicating about this point to in a way see that we all cheat ourselves in different ways and levels. Some of us have acted on it, some others tend to only fantasize about doing it, but don’t get to actually live it. That’s how I’ve also seen that cheating as such is always a point of self-deception, where yes one is not living fidelity towards another being and instead is seeking for ‘something else’ with another person, not only at a physical level, but also at a mind level or in the form of ‘mental affairs’ too, because I saw how the sheer acceptance of ‘thinking about another’ in those partnership terms or fantasizing about having a relationship with them or having sex with another person while being in a committed relationship constitutes in essence already an act of ‘cheating’ to oneself, where one is only entertaining an idea of ‘someone else’ in our minds, while one is having an actual, physical, tangible relationship to develop, nurture and commit to, which is what I have decided to do and live from now on in my life.

I’ve been looking at what ‘led me’ to make it so easy for me to not measure consequences, to make it so easy to make a single decision in one moment and for a moment just throw out of the window any commitment to another person because ‘the opportunity presented itself’ and ‘I simply took it’ and how ‘feeble’ in a way I was when it comes to this, being very much moved by desire, lust, an idea of ‘something/someone better’ or simply because ‘it was here’ and so I moved to just do it.

Now, the details of how, when and where I did this all are not relevant to share here, but to me it’s sufficient to share how the kind of laxity towards it is what was a source of shame, which I then also walked through to create an understanding, to understand ‘who I was’ at the time so as to not just see through the eyes of morality but through seeing me and who I was at the time.

At the time I had not created any point of self-awareness or ‘barely’ creating it and developing it within myself, where I would talk to myself to create a point of ‘innocence’ about the moment, as a way to – as the previously mentioned Eqafe audio explains – it was a way for me to make things ‘alright’ within me and not truly have a blunt look at what I was accepting and allowing in having this ‘laxity’ about my commitment to my relationships and how I made it very normal to have ‘open potentials’ to other relationships while being in committed relationships or ‘somewhat’ committed relationships at the time, because they were what they were in the context that I was in at the time in my life as well, where I wasn’t really into developing a relationship of self support or self-respect yet.

One thing I noticed is that I of course suppressed a lot of these things because it was at a time in my life when I was using weed on a regular basis and it was my way to also ‘wipe out’ any immediate inner conflict and ‘shift’ within me to an ‘everything is alright’ state of mind, which I only can know of because I would write about what I was in fact experiencing, and that’s the only remembrance I have of it, because at a conscious level to me it seemed as if there was no conflict at all, but this is how I made myself ‘think’ that ‘I am perfectly fine with it, I know what I’m doing, there’s no problem at all in me, no one’s getting hurt’ as a way to create a false sense of innocence within it all to not have to have a clear view of what I was participating in.

Working on this point has become one of those examples that something that I saw as a weakness in me, I’ve worked on developing it and turning it into a strength within me for the past couple of years.

Though before going into the ‘developing it as a strength,’ I want to share about the process of walking through shame itself and in our group chat at Desteni we had a very cool discussion that led to open up this point about ‘shame’ which can be read here:  You cannot see that which you are – 12 July 2017 which opened the door along with looking at the word ‘reconciliation’ for me to do this for once and for all, to identify where and how I’ve experienced that kind of shame in my life and it has been definitely linked to cheating – and it was actually quite a gift in the way that it is explained in this audio support I mentioned at the beginning of this blog about shame, in the sense that I would probably not have gotten to see my reality this way if I had not become aware of how my actions affected another’s life, which at the time I  suppressed and just felt bad about it, guilty, remorseful. But I had not taken that step of acknowledging the profound shame I felt in relation to it and it’s probably one of those things that have ‘marked me’ in my life, yet it is and will continue to be there as a reminder of what I’ve done, what I caused when allowing myself to be moved by desire, attraction, the idea of ‘something better’ or something ‘more exciting’ or ‘new’ and all of these experiences I linked to the act of cheating, which were in fact me seeking an experience that eventually of course led to ending relationships due to not establishing that self-commitment, self-honor and self-respect for myself first of all.

In retrospect it is ‘easier’ for me to see how I could have decided to change myself in those moments when facing this ‘temptation’, yet at the time I had not made a clear decision to change, because I still wanted to have these ‘options’ available to me. I wasn’t living a commitment to myself nor towards another. So this is to me an example where many times we make things ‘difficult’ to do or believe that ‘it’s beyond me’ to change, but in self-honesty, the reality is that I was not wanting to change or give up something that I wanted to have, experience or indulge into in my life.

The perceived benefits of ‘going for it’ are only that, a perception, a momentary experience if anything because over time, I see how every time that I ‘gave into it’ became that kind of scars that won’t go away from your mind, and one can self-forgive it, surely, to recognize the point and ensure one doesn’t repeat it again, but as it has been recently explained: self forgiveness wont’ ‘erase’ the memories. Memories will remain as part of who we are, as reminder, as a gift, a ‘cautionary tale’ as I’d like to call them of what I could put myself and others through If I give into this kind of ‘desires’ or ‘fleeting sensations’ that seemed to just ‘open up’ as ‘opportunities’ in my life – which is how I used to define them, see them.

It also had to do with how I approached life back then, where I had placed my life, my destiny in the hands of something ‘else separate from me’ where I thought that people, things, situations would ‘happen for a reason’ and so I would create an innocence point within it as well, which is of course innocence lived as deception, deliberate self-deception just to not have to see the truth and reality of myself in it.  Innocence to me now as a living word has a very much different meaning that doesn’t relate at all to ‘pretending to be delusional’ and not realize what I am doing lol, I mean, I know I can only ever deceive myself in fact and that’s where this whole point of cheating is at, not only ‘towards others’ but towards myself, my self-commitment and self-agreement that I am busy living for myself and those whose lives I am directly related to now.

Have these apparent ‘temptations’ gone away? Nope. If I would decide to see a moment, a person, a situation as such and accept it and allow it to exist in me, it would not be so much of a ‘difficult thing’ to do because it’s just like anything else when one ‘goes for it’ without questioning ‘who am I’ within doing something. And yes it can be a bit scary to think of the potentials on this which applies for anything else that we see ourselves having a propensity or tendency to do – and have done in the past – but that’s how I decide to instead of giving any attention to these ‘potentials’ rather create a solid foundation for me to walk through it and as I mentioned earlier, turn it into a strength.

So this is another aspect of our minds, our lives and process where no amount of self-forgiveness will actually remove the potential ‘triggers’ or ‘stimuli’ that we can still decide to react to or ‘act upon’ in our minds – this is why walking through our minds is a moment by moment application, daily thing, every moment thing whenever it is required.

So, how am I living this relationship to this past tendency to ‘cheat’ in relationships? Well, I can wholly say to myself that it’s been quite cool to build that decision of living self-honor, self-respect, self-commitment and consideration – not only for me but to others – when it comes to remaining committed to someone and be able to practically test myself in various times and situations to see ‘who am I’ within it all, and so far I’ve seen how every single time it’s a constant decision to ‘stick’ to my decision to live fidelity and loyalty, simply because that’s the person that I decide to be for myself and another in my life.

Thanks for reading and thanks to the beings that share their experiences at eqafe.com which surely set the example for me to open this up for myself too.

Have a listen yourself too!

Facing and Forgiving Real Shame (Part 1) – Demons in the Afterlife – …

Facing and Forgiving Real Shame (Part 2) – Demons in the Afterlife – …

 

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Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


411. Do Good and Evil Really Exist?

We tend to want to hold on to the idea of ourselves being ‘good people’ or there being really ‘good people’ out there without questioning what the origin or starting point of such goodness exists.  With this it’s not to imply that there’s no ‘good’ at all but certainly it is a cool point to investigate all the aspects that one has defined as ‘good’ within oneself and simply check the starting point for it: am I genuinely being assistive and supportive toward others because I see that it makes sense to support and assist others the way I would want to be assisted by other individuals as well and so make it the principles by which we all coexist in  – OR am I doing it for the sake of how others will see me, how I believe I can be rewarded for ‘being good’ or ‘doing good’ and using it as a form of ‘good credit’ for oneself in relation to others.

First point to realize here is that we can all change the starting point of what we have defined as ‘good’ based on that which is beneficial and supportive to ourselves and one another. Maybe we just haven’t yet considered how certain acts of kindness, generosity or wanting to be a good person/ ‘being a good person’ can in fact be a counter act/ a clean-up/contrition act from past experiences that could have been the exact opposite to everything perceived as good or benevolent, such as having been very selfish, authoritarian, careless toward others and so one then feels like ‘we have to make up for it all’ through becoming the opposite polarity as a ‘good person.’ In this we have the absolute ability to decide we want to change this because we see that doing ‘bad’/harmful and abusive things to oneself and others is not the way to go, and so one makes the decision to change and commits oneself to practically live it – but! If after realizing one is actually using the ‘bad/evil’ as a memory or starting point to ‘do good’ and we only go to the opposite polarity as in now wanting to do good and be good and almost push it so much in an expectation to gain ‘the grace of god’ so to speak as in seeking to feel good/positively within oneself for ‘cleaning one’s acts’ with ‘good/positive deeds’ or for example to be seen with ‘good eyes’ by others/ get the approval from others or be recognized as a form of good-doer or any other ‘high moral standard’ we may have within ourselves – such as the driving force behind altruism and charitable acts – then the starting point is rather misaligned and further destructive than constructive.

 

Why? Because doing ‘good’ based on the cleaning-up act for the ‘evil/bad’ past is merely believing that the answer is doing the opposite. What I’ve realized in this process is that merely opting for ‘the opposite’ is not a suggested way to go because in this we recreate the pattern of the ‘good’ vs. the ‘bad’ or evil – which is a definition, a charged experience toward something that could be simply supportive/non supportive. What usually happens is that one creates one’s own trap within the good vs. bad morality polarity enslavement which is the foundation of, for example, the church/religious systems that play on in this good vs. evil principle to manipulate people to ‘do good’ based on fearing being punished for ‘all the bad.’  The same is ingrained in a secular person that perceives the law/government as the authority in a society and so, that person will still ‘do good’ based on fearing to be punished/standing in bad credit against law/government/financial systems or any other authority as well as peers in society as well. So here we become subject to our own constructs, to our own punishment-reward mentality to which we give a negative and positive value respectively where we then either feel good or bad about something, instead of rather asking oneself: well, am I being supportive to myself and others? am I considering living principles in my thoughts, words and deeds as a principle of who I decide to be?  OR am I only acting in either a ‘good’ manner to get an energy fix from it, to get acceptance, validation, recognition and better living positions in many occasions where ‘doing good’ is linked to being rewarded for it in an economic manner as well? One can then ponder: is there any genuine ‘good’ then or are we only acting out on either looking for a ‘good feeling’/positive experience within ourselves or escaping from/making up for past ‘bad’/evil deeds that one felt ‘bad’ about and wanting to ‘do good’ now to not FEEL or hide within self all the perceived evil/bad without first understanding it?

Here the first point I suggest considering is that a process of self change involves realizing and understanding that one will not ‘feel good’ as in having to create a positive experience every time you simply decide to correct/align yourself to the best possible supportive and sustainable outcome.  It is to realize that deciding to change oneself, to be self-supportive toward oneself and others is not in itself a ‘good’ deed that stands in contrast to doing ‘bad’ because in that, even by considering the solution to be ‘positive’ we re-create and trap ourselves again in the good vs. bad mentality/mind construct which is how we then believe that if we do ‘good’ = we can FEEL great/good/superior/better etc. and feel like being at the top of the world with all this glory – which is an energetic experience. Here we can consider some physical laws: what goes up must go down and so we perceive that the ‘down’ experience is negative, while it is only getting down from the ride way up high.

To prevent this up and ride experience between the ‘good vs. bad/evil’ and the experiences one gets through them is to then focus on realizing that doing what is best for all is not something that one should create a ‘good experience’ about, or that it should be rewarded, receive recognition or get some sense of validation for now being a ‘good person’ and doing ‘good deeds’ – nope. It is to realize that what one is doing in this decision to change one’s destructive/harmful/abusive acts is simply directing oneself to live in an alignment with how things/life/our minds should have always work: considering what is best for all, assessing one’s participation in thought word and deed in every moment within oneself and toward others/the environment so that we ensure that every single moment we are aligning to these principles and within doing so, we integrate this reference as the new human nature we want to become and see in this world – it implies simply aligning ourselves to how things should have always been which is not less or more than what currently exists, we don’t have coin sluts to gain value for doing good or get some kind of physical body or substance extraction for doing ‘bad’ things either…

Within this then one removes the ‘charges’ to any positive or negative value to the perceived ‘good’ and the perceived ‘bad’ and so be able to understand bad/evil as the reverse of life, as a mistaken road one took that requires to be corrected/realigned so that it can be functional/supportive with what is best for all by walking a process of self-directive correction. This then prevents the whole ‘fallen’ experience, the guilt trip-traps and the whole mentality that one is ‘done’ or ‘never will get it right’ as we all tend to give up so easily in our minds when believing that we are just evil and have no remedy – which is also another self-victimization pattern to not actually take the time, effort and dedication that it takes to change oneself, which is mostly a decision to let go of the energy high linked to doing good and the guilt/bad experience when doing all the perceived ‘bad.’

With this also comes the necessary realization that: we’ve never dedicated our lives to direct this realignment to how we should have always ‘functioned’ in our minds and in our world – if things were just ‘fine’ in this world and anything had really been genuinely ‘good’ or ‘supportive’ we would not be seeking to change ourselves and this world all over, as we would be living such change as a new living principle for ourselves as humanity = this hasn’t happened and that’s why we have to realize that it is a process, it takes active participation and self-awareness in every moment we are alive to be continually living/applying this re-direction within oneself to in every moment assess one’s words, thoughts deeds to create/contribute to the change we see is beneficial for oneself and all parts in an equally supportive manner – that can also be understood as no harm, no abuse toward oneself and others – and instead doing what is constructive, supportive for oneself and others who are also ‘ourselves’ in fact.

Therefore one can also be more aware next time when we perceive that one wants to hold onto this ‘goodness’ within self or the perceived ‘goodness’ in others and Really investigate what such ‘good’ consists of, why we perceive it as ‘good’, what is the starting point of such thing we perceive as good and so consider the following: because our minds and this entire world system was built within the foundation of a non-supportive/abusive and non-equal basis, we cannot genuinely expect a supportive principle to exist as a general ‘trait’ or inherent property/inherent nature of human beings, of who we are as the mind – including the way that we have built this world system based on our own mind-constructs where it is evident it is not benefiting everyone the way it should –which is why I suggest to re-evaluate whenever one perceives someone to be ‘naturally good’ and get to know how such person ‘became’ a good person and what their story is. From that we can also learn why we tend to hold on to ‘the good’ so much and fear the evil/bad.

Having said this, it is more to realize that the construct of morality as the polarity of ‘good vs. evil’ is a definition, a construction we create in order to trap ourselves in the problem without focusing on the practical solutions required to align our thoughts, words and deeds to a supportive outcome. The potential to go ‘either way’ exists within each one of us in every moment that we are living here, which is why I see it as important to share some practical ways to rather use the morality construct as another tool of self-assessment to see ‘who am I’ toward the good vs. evil mentality.

 

One can then use the words ‘good’ and ‘bad’ in the following constructive manner:

–  If I perceive a ‘good’ aspect within me, something I’ve defined as ‘good’ within myself (or others) then I have to ask myself: what is motivating me to do/think this which I’ve defined as good? What is my starting point? Am I expecting something in return to this? Am I wanting to be seen as a good person by others? What experience as a feeling do I get when I believe myself to be good or am told by others that I am a ‘good person’? And so apply self-forgiveness for all the energy charges around these ‘good deeds/thoughts/experiences’ as all the positively-charged definitions so that what’s left is only the raw-living actions that are genuinely supportive, that are and can become part of one’s new natural/inherent expression of living by principles, by actions, by living words instead of being moved through/by energy all the time where we play the reward/punishment type of assessment or ‘equation’ in our minds based on energetic highs and lows, instead of just seeing the benefit for oneself and all if we think/say/act in a way that is best for all and vice versa if we don’t do/act/think based on what is best for all.

– If I observe some ‘bad’ aspect within me then I have to ask myself: why have I defined this as bad? Who, what and how am I affecting myself and others with these defined bad/evil thoughts, words and deeds? If I realize that I am genuinely harming or abusing myself and others then how can I correct/align this point that I’ve defined as bad? And so use this assessment to rather create a practical plan to correct and align in a directive manner this ‘bad/evil’ aspect within oneself to a supportive and constructive outcome. This is how then making mistakes or creating the perceived ‘fall’ is simply an opportunity to evaluate: ok where did I miss a point of direction, why we did that which we knew was not supportive or where did we miss a point of self-awareness where we acted upon past patterns, upon the ingrained non-supportive thoughts/deeds that lead us to a known path which is that of non-constructive/self-destructive choices and consequential outflows. We all then can constantly learn from our perceived ‘bad/evil’ mind construct while at the same time, applying self-forgiveness for acting out on such thoughts that are detrimental to oneself and others after which one can then make a firm assessment and decisive plan to support oneself to correct/align this point within oneself from here on as a Living Principle.

 

This is a way I can see one can go ‘shedding’ the moral construct of good vs. bad, to ensure there’s no positive or negative charge to either side but only assess the words said, the actions taken, the consequences that ensue and then see what is required to be changed to align it to living principles and what does one practically require to do to live this plan of corrective action. This is how the tools of writing, applying self-forgiveness and self-corrective application become our constant tools of self-investigation and our do-it-yourself evaluation foundation to get to know ourselves and for example investigate who am I within the ‘good’ and ‘bad’ construct, how does this exist within me and if such words still create an experience either positive or negative within myself.

 

There’s no point in wanting to hold on to something ‘good’ of which we don’t exactly yet know its origin and starting point of, and mostly I would actually suggest to practically doubt anything that’s apparently ‘good’ or ‘positive’ in nature as then we have to assess what motivates it, what ‘funds’ it ($), what are the interest behind it, is there any past ‘evil’ that’s being used as a starting point for oneself or others to do now ‘good’ as an energetic experience or ‘reward’ process in self-interest? And so we take off the mask of ourselves as our mind – which is in itself not at all ‘good’ or benevolent – and so rather learn how not to react to discovering self-honesty as in seeing what might be in fact a ‘real ugly truth’ of ourselves, which I could visualize like realizing one has a detuned guitar, or having a broken engine: we have to understand how we got them detuned/broken and so place our time, effort and knowledge in application to fix it = we do the same with ourselves and our minds/lives and so stop thinking within the ‘good vs. evil’ frame of mind and just consider practical reality.

 

For further reference:

Good vs Evil     Learn more about supporting yourself as your mind, how to deal with energy, one’s ego and how we can actively change ourselves here:


345. Freedom in Equal Money

 

One cannot ‘be free’ from having to breathe every single moment to remain alive. This  should suffice in order to understand the physical laws all living beings are subject to, yet we created the word ‘freedom’ as a convenient and necessary carrot on the stick to ‘live up to’ without first questioning why are we born into  slavery and how it is that we have perpetuated this system where our life has become and asset and part of a greater business scheme, where we are taught to ‘fight for freedom’ and indulge in all forms of Experiences to ‘Feel Free’ but, Can Freedom be Real in our physical reality and if so, how can it be lived within the Principle of Life in Equality?
 
 

 

Continuing:

 

 

 

Problem                                                                

 

Definition:

freedom
n    noun
1    the power or right to act, speak, or think freely. the state of having free will.
2    the state of being free. unrestricted use of something.
3    (freedom from) the state o

  • Our very own breath is subject to the money that we can make/ not make  in the available jobs wherein we learn to ‘make a living’ and have a life based on survival instead of actual self expression in Equality. Is Freedom possible in this world? Is the physical world able to provide such ‘freedom’ as the definition above denotes?  We can only seek freedom due to recognizing the enslavement we are all bound to where our very own life becomes a contract of constant commercial relationships where the outcome is always seeking to make the most profit – relationships of abuse – that is then turned into a a necessary agreement we submit ourselves to in order to have enough quantity of money to cover our living necessities and if we have a bit more than that, we call it ‘freedom’ and feeling secured by this having-money experience. But why is such secured and comfortable living not an assured support for our lives by virtue of being alive? And why is it that only a few can have such comfort and extra money as freedom while others are subject to work to generate the products and services that the wealthy ones buy with such ‘freedom’ wherein the poor’s need for money leads them to accept ‘any way’ to make the necessary to survive, yet at the same time dreaming of one day being ‘free’ from this system of perpetual self consumption with no regard for equal sustainability as an individual guarantee given by the state.

 

  • Freedom is  a concept that generates the belief that our liberation relies upon having more than enough money to decide ‘how we want to live,’ our ability to ‘express’  and ‘the way’ we want to express it, while at the same time being taught and ‘encouraged’ to pursue the options that we are presented with to exercise such freedom according to prefabricated models of expression, identity and individuality that can be bought and sold as experiences of empowerment as along with all the other necessary products and services that we require to live. ‘Freedom’ is but an experience generated by having money to live or more than enough to buy the strictly necessary. This becomes the foundation of the degenerative concept of  Free Will as an apparent self determination that ‘supports’  the ability to ‘choose who you are’ in a world where every single breath you take is subject to the amount of money you have and even in that, one is taught ‘how’ to spend it.

 

  • This is indulging in accepted and allowed self-created desires, where buying and consuming becomes a synonym of self-gratification and self-interest  as a ‘well earned freedom’ by working to earn money in a system that is founded upon default slavery-status from birth to death and living within coercive means wherein you either work to get money or starve. 

 

  • Why do we have to fight for freedom? Why is it a ‘right’ and how we have abdicated such self determination in this system? Is Freedom  real or is it another product of feel-good words to evade, deny and neglect the responsibility we hold toward each other as part of the whole in Equality?

 

 

freedom
1    the power or right to act, speak, or think freely. the state of having free will.

  • As reviewed in the Might Makes Right series, power is a relationship of abuse that generates the necessary Rights for people to ‘defend’ or ‘fight for’ and justify inequality. Freedom is commonly experienced as a state of mind, an empowerment in a self-righteous way without realizing that this ‘fight’  implies that we had to abdicate our ‘right to life’ from birth in order to later on have to reclaim ‘our freedom’ or ‘fight for it’ within the same system that has ensured that we are never actually in fact ‘free’ to have access to that which we require to live in Equality to everyone else. This means that we generated a relationship of separation from our living expression and to a subjugating and binding relationship of ‘power’ and ‘rights’ that is currently existent in the foundation of our political, economic and social organizations.

 

  • Our actions are dictated by thoughts which stem from our preprogrammed Mind wherein every single definition we have linked to words is meant to satisfy an individual self interest to feel ‘better’ about ourselves without looking at the root and cause of our eternal longing for ‘freedom’ as the consequential outflow of an inherent limitation existent in our current world system. Therefore, if our freedom is defined according to being able to ‘think freely’ we can already know that such freedom has never in fact existed, because all our words as thoughts and deeds have not been self determined in common sense and according to that which is best for all. Otherwise we would have already lived in a natural state of freedom in Equality and Freedom would not even be a concept to ‘long for’ but an integral aspect of our self-honest and common sensical living principles.

 

 

  the state of being free. unrestricted use of something.

  • Freedom should not be the meaning of ‘liberating oneself from oppression,’ since this would imply that the conditions that generate such enslavement would be constantly re assured every time that ‘Freedom’ is sought or fought for. An example is how every time that we use money we comply to this relationship of enslavement wherein we ratify that it is only with money that we’re able to have the necessary means to live.

 

  • Our current understanding of Freedom also entails the ability to have experiences that we call ‘living’ such as buying/ consuming and generating desires upon the ideals that we obtain from our family, our education, society and its 24/7 mirroring media where all values, habits, vocabulary and human experience is imprinted to people through our entertainment and ‘educational’ systems, which is in fact the necessary indoctrination to be shaped and formed according to become part of the working force that is sold to generate an absolute well being to a minority in a system where ‘those at the top’ experience ‘the most freedom’ by enslaving the majority to generate it for them i.e., having people working in slave labor conditions to generate the goods that people with enough money are able to afford.

 

  • Freedom becomes ‘libertinage’ in this conception of ‘unlimited abilities’ in a finite physical world where every thought word and deed does have an effect on everyone in an equal basis. This is why when a concept like ‘Free Market’ is imposed, one associates the sense of ‘liberation’ with it and ‘unlimited capacities’ without considering that this physical world cannot sustain such ‘unlimited nature’ and/or capacities that are only a product of a concept that gives the right for desires to exist in our minds that such ‘unlimited nature’ can be true in fact, without seeing that it holds no common sense or physical understanding of the laws we are all subject to where we can Definitely deplete the resources of this Earth if we continue trying to impose our desires and dreams and use our life force to ‘make it a reality.’ This has been the current accepted and allowed abuse because we haven’t learned how to honor ourselves yet, and this is also why we believe we have ‘free reign’ upon reality – have turned of our world into a massive profit-making machine which is busy in  a state of free fall decay wherein new measures are being generated to protect the minorities at the top and keep the majority controlled from commanding further ‘acts of freedom’ that are identified as abuse, without realizing that ‘reclaiming freedom’ is only trying to deal wit the consequence of an accepted and allowed born-into-slavery condition we all exist as in our world system.

 

3    (freedom from) the state of not being subject to or affected by (something undesirable).

  • The level of enslavement, limitation and self-imprisonment is created every time that we speak words that result in actions and behaviors that stand in the name of personal interest that lead to harm and abuse in disregard of what is best for all. However, in our system we are taught that being ‘Free’ is having the ability to ‘express’ and call it ‘free speech’ and that is how if someone decides that their expression is to denigrate, abuse, extort or control others –even wage war to protect such freedom – it will be done and blatantly accepted and allowed by everyone regardless because of the false premise of ‘If I want my freedom to be respected, I must respect other’s freedom as well’ And this becomes the glue with which we bind each other to relationships of abuse, extortion, exploitation, murder, violation of physical common sense and the ultimate disintegration of any spec of life that we could hold within ourselves. Freedom thus becomes the accepted and allowed form of abuse, to buy and consume the life that we have placed ‘on sale,’ where every time we obtain something that we require to live, we reinstate and reenact the very acts of complacency to a system that works as the reverse of providing life and security for all in equality.

 

4    a special privilege or right of access, especially that of full citizenship of a particular city given to a public figure as an honour

  • We are born into debt in a system where our very Birth Certificate is already an acceptance of our lives lived to serve a corporate system where life is made an asset and sold in a society that functions more like a market than a living playground of ‘unlimited capacities,’ where that which we require to sustain our lives is deliberately turned into product that we can only have access to with money, and money can only be accessed if one works in the system to grant ourselves such ‘right to life.’ This is how Survival is granted through complying and adopting Enslavement as a way to ‘make a living’ – this is existent from the moment we accept money as that necessary entity that enables us to live or die if we have a lack thereof.

 

  • There is No Freedom in our world where we become part of a social contract based on a business-model instead of a life supportive system where man-made laws determine what is supposed to be our ability to express and live. Accepting our citizenship is supposed to be the entitlement of our ‘rights’ and ‘guarantees,’ but again, we don’t question why the same state that is supposed to grant these ‘rights’ imposes limitations from the moment we arrive into this world and the food we eat is sold and not given as a living guarantee.

 

  • We are introduced to money as a way to ‘obtain more freedom’ in this world, little do we question why we created such an entity to guarantee our ability to live, and why not everyone s granted with this access. We abdicated this ‘freedom’ and complied to only have certain ‘options’ in life and claim we have free choice in a world where nothing is in fact secured, since life is something that cannot be secured with money, otherwise we would have many people buying insurances to remain alive in order to avoid the natural cycles of life and death.


    This same cycle is accepted and allowed as our limitation: we are born to give away our life to a system wherein limitation, abuse, subjugation to ‘greater powers’ exist the moment we think that we are in fact acting in ‘our best interest,’ while in fact, in this current system ‘following our dreams’ is only the result of accepting what we are presented as ‘our dreams and desires’ as  and claim such dreams to be the key to our freedom, never questioning why we cannot dare to accept the fact that seeking for freedom already implies we are enslaved – there is no freedom possible where no matter how much money you have, you depend continually on breathing to be able to be alive, that implies having to be bound to a relationship of consumption that is currently turned into an ‘experience’ for the sake of enhancing greed as a means to generate more profit for a few. This is thus what also supports the commercialization and monetization of life, our substance and that which we are all made of.

 

 

5    archaic familiarity or openness in speech or behaviour.

 

  • The moment we think, the moment we experience an emotion or a feeling, we are already ‘under the influence’ of the mind, we are then subject to/controlled by energetic experiences where no physical common sense exists. There is no Free will existent where every single thought that we have accepted without a question as ‘who we are’ is a product of the same system that we have lived in and only complained about for not granting us this living-right to ‘freedom,’ without generating or proposing solutions to change it either. If our behavior was truly meant to set us free, we would have stopped desired to generate ‘the most’ only for ourselves because we would have understood how No one is Free until All is Free. This is Self Honesty and this is the base foundation of what Equal Money implies.

 

 

Solution                                                              

Self Honesty is Freedom from Self Deception” – Bernard Poolman 

 

  • Freedom can only exist in Equality – it is the living understanding that we are subject to physical laws that must be taken into consideration in order to ensure that the use of the natural resources to live is done in a moderated and regulated manner that benefits everyone equally. This is a preventive measure to ensure that each one’s access to goods and services required to live are guaranteed. This is  a Physical Common Sensical Freedom that can be obtained through the necessary changes at a political, economic and social level to be Educated to understand this common well being as an individual principled living  in common sense as what is best for all.

Further reading:

 

  • We have to disengage from our current laws and policies in which we are born into by taking responsibility of the systems that have held such ‘world order’ until today. This is part of the realizations where we understand and accept that we have the ability to decide what is best for all, which must be  the foundation and directive principle to liberate one another from the binding forces of profit making schemes, value systems and interests that we have all adopted without a question in the name of our personal gain without ensuring common benefit at all.

    This is where Self Honesty exists: we cannot ‘be freed’ by fighting against the system or ignoring it, or overriding the current order with separate forms of government or communal living.  We All have to  Take Self Responsibility for the enslavement we have all complied to in the first place. We make use of our democratic systems to become a political party that presents the Principle of Life in Equality so that it can be made an option to be voted along with the current well known ‘old orders’ that we are still subject to.  This is how we will use the current legal and political systems to reinstate  directive Self Responsibility to our living substance and lead ourselves/ our lives in a common sustainable well being principled living where everyone’s expression is exercised in moderation and self-regulation within the understanding and consideration of our thoughts, words and deeds been of no harm and no abuse toward one another. This also implies the liberation of our imposed power systems onto nature, the animal kingdom and every part of this ecosystem that has suffered the consequences of a man-made righteous system of abuse.

 

“Abuse as in abnormal use is to chose to not allow equal freedom in the context of what is best for all” – Bernard Poolman

 

 

  • Freedom will be a living integrity where Self Honesty resides in the understanding that everything we require to live are resources that must be made available to all. Hence our virtue to guard everyone’s best interest will ensure that such freedom is never again revoked by individuals or groups attempting to maim and control others in means of obtaining the necessary to live, this is prevented and eradicated by giving equal access to the goods and services required to live in dignity for all.

 

 

  • Freedom won’t mean  buying, consuming, reproducing the lifestyles of ‘the rich’ and ‘own everything we want.’ We won’t feed the greed  that would re-generate a level of enslavement and limitation toward each other as well as a dishonoring behavior toward the life that we abuse to generate such ‘states of mind.’ This is why through Equal Money we can ensure that this Freedom is lived within common sensical practical understanding of the physical laws we are subject to, such as the natural cycles that we have to consider in order to generate the means for our sustenance, as well as ensuring that  our actions and attitudes are always aligned to be part of this common well being that is generated by the very words we speak and act upon, wherein our freedom is our ability to ensure everyone’s well being is secured as our own, by our own work, by our own self-willed decision to live according to the principle of what is best for all, that’s the only condition where actual freedom can exist.

 

  • Freedom from our personal Mind Control is the process that has already begun in which through a personal written process each word that we have tainted with experiences and turned into ‘longing desires,’ wants and needs is taken through a process of writing, applying Self Forgiveness in Self-Honesty to understand how it is in the very words we speak and the way we act and behave toward one another have bound each other to self destructive and abusive behaviors, which in turn exists as the foundation of our current world system: we are it.

    Writing yourself to Freedom is the actual Key to decipher the codes and blueprint of our mind, identify the points of self interest, self dishonesty, abuse, greed and all forms of ego in order to redefine our words so that we may live them/ as them in the best interest of all individuals in Equality as life, ensuring that every word, thought and deed is determined to generate relationships of interdependence and symbiotic behavior that lead to generate what’s best for all.

 

  • Equal Money is the necessary tool at an economic level to understand how it possible to equalize these relationships in an accountable/orderly manner to sustain and maintain our lives  in this physical reality where having food, water, shelter, clothing, secure and dignified living environments, healthcare, work/jobs, educational skills and facilities and all the infrastructure of human and material support for this is granted to each other by virtue of recognizing our ability to coexist in means of supporting our assured well being in equality – it is a tool to ensure no abuse is recreated by having the ability to control / have power over others, which is in fact what will guarantee each other’s freedom from enslavement, coercion and subjugation to ‘hierarchical powers.’ Equal Money means the laws of our physical requirements decide what everyone needs to have a successful living.

 

Rewards                                                  

  • Freedom will no longer exist as a ‘separate concept’ or a ‘yearning ideal’ to look up to –it will be the very foundation of our  ability to exist as Individuals with Integrity recognizing each other’s Equality as Life, ensuring that our words, thoughts and deeds are always lived and expressed to honor ourselves and every single being, part and particle that coexists with us here on Earth, ensuring that each other’s living requirements are guaranteed by a establishing a system that we can all participate in to generate the necessary means of sustenance in abundance and optimal living quality standards for everyone’s benefit.

 

  • Living in Self Honesty is ensuring that we all guard each other’s best interest as our own, this means that no harm or abuse is possible once that we all understand that we all have to contribute to generate the best living environment each one of us want to live in. This ensures no competition, no war, no rivalry or ‘survival of the fittest’ conditions are imposed ever again toward one another –  our freedom is created at a collective level through Self Responsibility, sustainability and equal regard to one another to maintain this  living behavior as an actual state of freedom.

 

  • Freedom means no mind control, no slavery, no fear of survival, no subjugation to laws we don’t understand,  no more hierarchical powers, no more legal means of oppression, binding behaviors or illegal operations that lead to a state of insecurity in our world. Instead all the necessary support to Live will be Given and Received in Equality which will generate the certainty of having the best living conditions for our lives to thrive in Equality for ourselves, our children and the generations to come to be born into an actual state of Freedom.

 

No One is Free Until All is Free

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344. Integrity in Equal Money

 

“It is Essential that Human Integrity as Life Equal be Restored as the Fundamental Rule of Law in this World. Call Out Those that protect Inequality, Become Politically Wise – Install a New Government, through Democracy and Re-Educate the Abusers of Life; in the same way they now keep Millions in the Chains of Inequality – ‘till they Repent and Show through their Actions that they Also Care about Life.”
– Bernard Poolman

 

Continuing:

 

 

 

Problem                                                                

“We’ve become dependent on fear as a survival instinct and so actually fear commonsense and integrity as it is experienced/believed to be a ‘weakness’ – you have to live in fear in order to survive as the law in the matrix goes” – Sunette Spies

 

  • The result of our abdication of self responsibility to the laws and mechanisms in which our physical reality visibly operates is expressed in the current organizations and institutions that we have become so ashamed of and continuously complain about, which are the  product of our primordial disregard of ourselves being one and the same organism that is subject to physical laws that enable life to exist. Instead, we created these external entities to become the deposits of our rights that we signed off when agreeing to become part of a system wherein money as our creation meant our ‘indebted access’ to have a dignified living. This means that we lost our integrity the moment that we placed ourselves to be subject to laws that were never equated to guard and ensure a constitution of life in Equality.

 

“You are in this World, because: You Have No Responsibility, No Integrity and because you have Never Cared about Life in the Universe throughout All Time. You are, in a way, in a Prison. A Prison you created for yourself. You’re Not Going to Get out of This one…not here or in the hereafter without facing consequence, taking responsibility for it and changing for oneself and so for all as self.” – Bernard Poolman 

 

  • What we face as our current world system is the product and manifestation of our abdication to Life in Equality. What does this mean? That the same system of oppression, or scarcity, of lies, of corruption, of hierarchical structures and imposition of power to generate fear is in fact the mirror of every single relationship that we formed in self interest, seeking for our individual benefit only in separation of ourselves as one and equal. This means that the imposition of ourselves as our Ego, our Mind, our Personalities, our Preferences, our Opinions, our Thoughts, our Emotions and Feelings, our Desires over the Physical matter is what became and exists now as the violation of our own ‘right to life’ where no Self Respect toward ourselves, toward the life that is here as ourselves and in the various Life Forms exists – instead  we have turned each other and this world into assets for our benefit and indiscriminate consumption. Life after life we have lived throughout generations guarding these interests as laws that we enforced to every single child born into our world without a question.

 

  • We made of our so-called Free Will and Free Choice that individual ‘course of action’ that determined the ability to abuse one another through the acceptance and allowance of self-interest, superiority and personal satisfaction of security and power over the common well being. Every single word that we have used to denigrate or deify something or someone became the symbols of power that we imposed onto ourselves as a sign of our Inability to See what is Real and Live according to it.

    All the suffering, harm and abuse  as the result  disintegration became a reality when  we imposed meanings, values as experiences over matter and made ourselves subject to it, instead of doing the process the other way around: ourselves becoming the direct beneficiaries of every single word thought and lived as a result of an understanding of ourselves as creators of our reality through the values imposed onto matter and experiences at a mind level, disregarding the physical laws and considerations wherein clearly no spec of matter has been regarded as equal, instead it has been always gauged according to the system of values that serves the Human Mind, the Human Nature that became the accepted and allowed behavior of ourselves as species, indoctrinating every individual to integrate the same patterns generation after generation, wherein some symbols became our gods – like money – and some others became the experiences in which we all got ‘lost’ and confused while missing physical reality, and dare it to call it our ‘human nature’ such as our desire to win, our desire to have more than others, our rejoice in emotions or feelings and any other mind activity that is never evident as an integral part of our physicality, because it is only existent at a mind level, as our creation.

 

  • What we regarded as ‘Our Human Nature’ in the form of emotions and feelings became the greatest distractor and consent enter-tamement to not question the laws, the rules, the systems in which we’re living in, but instead merely complied to them as a sign of ‘resignation’ because no one else seemed to be noticing how inherently flawed and wrong the system is, no one dared to question the abuse, the suffering, the poverty, the absolute madness and absurdity of how we bound ourselves to a system of values where money became an abstraction that contains the value of our work to obtain what we require to live – a giving and receiving in separation of an integral equality process, instead we became the embodiments of a an unequal relationship between what dictates in our minds and what our body requires to exist. Therefore it is through our very own laws and belief systems that we enslaved ourselves to what we believed in our minds is real, ignoring physical reality evidence of such facts being true as an inherent part of the matter and the physical.

 

  • Our integrity has been non existent from the moment we give our power away as the breath of life to exist in multiple ‘states of mind’ leading ourselves to feel ‘superior’ or ‘inferior’ to the physicality that we are, which is clearly indicating that we’ve always lived in a continuous separation from the integrity of our physical body that is as constant and consistency as the physicality that is nurtured and reconstituted in every singe breath that we take.

 

  • Our political system, our monetary system, our economy, our social structures denote the exact opposite of this physical relationship of equality and oneness that we could hold as ourselves and toward one another. This is the physical integrity that we have lacked in our words, which became our laws and eventual authorities wherein we created fictional entities to take care after ourselves. We created our kings, our policemen, our judges, our monetary system, our politicians, because they all represent the violation of our individual right to life in Self Responsibility.

 

 

Solution                                                              

Integrity and Standing in Reality is Not Determined by a ‘Piece of Paper.’” – Bernard Poolman
  • Words that stand as the law of our being of Equality and Oneness, lived and applied as a physical consistency of the recognition of who we are as life are the key and way to ensure that we establish our individual an collective Integrity by our individual decision to live according to that which is best for all.

 

  • The process of Self Forgiveness wherein we  take Self Responsibility for the Accepted and Allowed Mind-Nature as thoughts, emotions, feelings  that we have imposed onto ourselves as physical beings is the way to  establish our definitive integrity. This is for us to understand how we created relationships of self diminishment or self aggrandizement in self-interest, causing the tumor as an overgrowth  that indicates the violation of the physical matter of Equality. This Self Forgiveness Process is the key to understand our individual and collective participation in the current outcome we’re living in as our society and world system. This responsibility comes with immediate self-directive solutions that are understood and lived at an individual level to create and establish the Law of our Being in Equality.

 

  • Money as the creation and manifestation of such system of self-abuse will also become the solution; this is within the principle of ‘Like Cures Like’ wherein we are determined to make of money a tool that represents this reintegration of Equality and equalize its function to our physical breathing, which means it will become a guaranteed giving and receiving of the resources we require to live, it is an insurance to maintain our physical integrity where all parts are equally supported, which will translate into an  integral society where relationships are formed in an interdependent manner, existing in a one and equal recognition of our responsibility to live. This implies absolute self directive principles to grant each other the right to live that is not ‘demanded,’ but instead founded and created through our collective ability to honor ourselves and each other as equals.

 

  • Once that money ceases to exist as the driving force within our lives, actual integrity will emerge in our society which will create new forms of entertainment, of relationships, of social interactions that will be based on mutual support and understanding where no ‘hidden interests’ will exist in an attempt to harm or abuse for personal gain. This means that our ability to stop abuse will form part of our ability to construct this integrity as who we are: no abuse, no harm and no disregard will be accepted or allowed to exist.

Rewards                                                  

  • Living Self-Integrity is the foundation of a fear-less society where each one’s words can be measured according to the actions lived that generate the Best Living condition for all.  It is the actual consideration, understanding and regard to guard each one’s well being as our own which will result in a mutual honor that has never before been existent in our society toward each part of ourselves as one and equal. 

 

  • Self Honesty is the principle in which we recognize that our individual well being is founded upon our ability to respond and act in the best interest of all, which creates the relationships of self support, dignity, respect, compassion and consideration to one another once that we live in a world where another is seen as an equal part of ourselves and no longer someone to fear, abuse, extort or compete against.

 

  • The living of our individual Integrity leads to generate the necessary foundation to establish Self Trust within ourselves and toward one another to ensure that no matter where we are, what we say and the decisions we make, we are always acting according to that which is best for all which is the manifestation and living practicality of what Love and Honor should be. This is the key to manifest a heaven on Earth but for that, we have to establish our Self Honesty and Self Forgiveness first – this is the Individual process we’re walking and invite you to participate within the understanding that Education is the first step to understand where, how and why we separated ourselves from life.

 

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195. The Righteousness of Evil

 

“And I questioned myself many times why it was like me wanting to simply ‘let go’ of such nagging experience, without realizing that it won’t just be ‘gone’ by me kind of only ‘thinking’ about it and coming to realizations like ‘oh yes, it’s the evil in me’ and turn around and keep going with my ‘life.’ Of course it cannot work like that, that’s precisely how we have lived as humanity, just wanting to brush-off, neglect and hide the actuality of our inner experience.”

 

Continuation to 194. Let the Mask Fall!

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to every time that I would get into an experience of discomfort and general uneasiness within myself to not further investigate within me what was it that I was experiencing, but only brush it aside, believe it would ‘go away’ with time, thinking that I simply had to just breathe through it and not look as myself, my own creation, my own reflection– which is another way of simply trying to cover up my actual experience by creating another ‘state of being,’ which would compensate the inherent inner experience of there being something ‘nagging’ within me that I apparently could not ‘define,’ with a positive experience as righteousness.

I realize that I did this without realizing that it was in fact the beingness of myself that was not being looked at in fact as the actual thoughts, backchat and internal conversations that I would righteously believe were ‘right’ and a proper ‘assessment’ of reality, never ever considering how everything that I was thinking and creating an experience about, was never about the environment but it was always about myself only.

 

When and as I see myself going into this ‘nagging/ discomfort’ within myself in my every day living – no matter where or with whom – I stop and I breathe – I realize that there is Something going on that Must Not be just ignored, as it is actually an indication that I’ve been thinking about something and not wanting to look at it, as that would mean actually facing the reality of myself as the thoughts, ideas, projections that I usually participate in, but that I had righteously believed is ‘proper’ and ‘acceptable’ for me to just ‘let be’ and continue going. I realize that All thoughts, All backchat, All experience that I might initially see as ‘indefinable’ actually has a beginning/ a starting point Within/ As Me that I must work with within myself to actually face the reality that I’ve become, instead of wanting to brush it off/ leave it for later and believe it is Not-important, while it is in fact in those seemingly ‘unimportant moments’ that the key to get to know the exact detail of myself really resides in.

 

I commit myself to stop brushing aside, leaving for later the immediate self-investigation through writing, self forgiveness, self corrective application about an inner experience that I have generally defined as ‘nagging/ bothering’ which has remained undefined due to me not having deliberately worked with such experiences as an active part of my process out of Fearing seeing the reality of myself, but only believe that it will go away eventually by simply ‘not participating’ – I realize that One cannot just ‘not participate’ in it and believe it will go away, but see that if it is Here and coming up within me as an energetic experience – no matter how slight it may be – it is still indicating a point that I have to look at.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately diminish the actual inner experience that I termed as just ‘undefined/ bothering/ nagging’ experience as this ‘something’ that would eventually go a way and within this diminishment, creating further separation to see myself As that experience, because of the fear of looking at myself As such thoughts, experiences and assessments, without realizing how it is time to start digging into the ‘hidden corridors and dark places’ as I was suggested to do years ago in order to no longer be bound to a barrier that I’ve created toward what I see within myself and what I see ‘toward others’ as separate from me. Thus it is to realize that everything that I have held as a limitation toward Life in Equality as Evil, as the reverse of life – which includes morals, beliefs, ideas, preferences, judgments, backchat toward ‘others’ and reality as a whole – is what I have to take back to self, in order to stop projecting a point of separation through an assessment in my mind instead of taking responsibility for myself As it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an identity of ‘righteousness’ within my mind assessments wherein within allowing such experiences, backchat and ‘views’ upon reality became a way to also ‘slip in’ points of personality and the self religion that are the threads that are still binding me to that single aspect of myself that is not yet standing as an equal and one part that I have walked through a process of self forgiveness and self corrective application – thus in essence, still keeping some ‘Evil’ as the reverse of life for the benefit of who I am as the mind, leaving it ‘untouched’ as if it had to be ‘there’ for the benefit of my own self-believed righteousness that cannot obviously make sense other than keeping me bound to a limited existence as the mind only and not being willing to stand in the face of the ‘opposite’ as myself as well.

 

When and as I see myself becoming righteous about what I am thinking and experiencing and believing that I can just ‘let it be’ for the moment and only later on end up forgetting it, I stop and I breathe. I realize that the specificity with which I have to become aware of myself is now requiring me to not just ‘leave things for later/ aside’ whenever the least energetic experience is Here as an indication that there is a point to work with, which will be mostly regarding something that is still an aspect I have not dared to look within myself, because of having lived a life of constantly projecting/ assessing/ analyzing others without seeing how it all was in fact about myself.

 

I realize the nagging experience has been going through quick processes of assessing the moment as people, places, events, situation wherein I quickly ‘make up my mind’ about who I am within such experiences/ moments and within that, not allowing me to see that everything that I have in fact assessed is only revealing me to myself, as it cannot be ‘how things are’ when getting an experience out of it – thus it is to not look at it as separate from me, as this is the grave mistake that I’ve made and lived as the evil wherein I had washed my hands from ‘assessing’ reality, while neglecting the fact that I have to work with the point myself in order to then be aware of ‘who I am’ as such point, walk the correction and as such, be able to support myself and others equally not from the vantage point of simply judging, but identifying who am I within this assessment, what is my experience, walk the correction so that I can stand clear and self directive instead of reacting to my own suppressed patterns and projecting it onto others/ reality.

 

I realize that the most effective way to walk this process is always taking the points back to self in order to see if there is any experience coming up and within this, being willing to face Within Me that which I thought, believed or consider ‘does not exist in me,’ which is a defense mechanism of the mind in order to remain in a righteous position about myself in reality, which can only exist as ego.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in this prefabricated/ default position of being ‘good/ right’ and always having the ‘right assessment’ over myself and reality wherein anything/ anyone that may contradict so would be assessed as them speaking of their own weakness, without realizing that such weakness and assessment to ‘win over’ the situation is in fact the aspects that stand as the evil that do not allow ourselves to get to an equal agreement of how to proceed/ work as equals in order to coexist within principles that are best for all, instead of creating further conflict and hidden judgment and accumulation of experiences Toward other beings, simply because of not allowing ourselves to let go of the righteousness that is indicating the ego of the mind of ‘always being right’ as opposed to walking in humbleness which means being willing to face ourselves as the actual evil-assessment/ backchat/ thoughts toward an event, person/ situation to in fact see what it is that we are still playing out as a character that always wants to win/ be right / get the most out of a situation, which is always the aspect that leads to an unequal result.

 

When and as I see myself being righteous about a position without taking the necessary moment to bring the point back to myself, place myself in the shoes of the person/ situation, realize who I am within it and how I can direct it to an equal and one outcome that will always result in what’s best for all.

 

I commit myself to realize that whenever I am making an assessment of my reality is an actual mirror of myself and what I am existing as, and as such, if this assessment contains an energetic experience/ possession about something or someone, it is indicating that I am not yet standing clear as one and equal to the point, but that I require to first look at myself as such assessment, walk the necessary self forgiveness in order to realize that the experience is not about the being/ situation/ event in itself, but it’s actually myself and an indication that I require to take responsibility for my reaction/ experience before allowing myself to make a decision on how to direct myself. Within this is to ensure that I take the necessary moment/ time for this, instead of wanting to immediately come up with a solution that is also part of the ego-rushing desire to do things right away/ immediately which leads to further time loops is there is not an ability yet to see directly in an equal and one consideration of the situation/ people/ event.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in a constant denial of these ‘assessments’ made toward other beings being in fact only about myself and within this, believing that I had nothing to ‘do about it’ because it was apparently ‘not me’ – however, it is actually an indication of the self-righteousness that exist toward our identification with our thoughts/ experiences having a ‘right to exist’ instead of realizing that as long as I am taking a position that is only benefitting my own deliberate neglect to who I am as my mind, I am in fact not standing equal and one to my reality/ environment and require to take the point back to self, to ensure that I am actually seeing Myself first, correcting me first instead of immediately projecting it onto others to not do the process of self-correction myself, which is rather foolish when looking at it as is.

 

When and as I see myself denying seeing myself within every single thought and experience that I have projected onto others – I stop and I breathe – I realize that who I have become is nothing else but the accumulation of these thoughts and experiences that I have projected onto others in means of defending myself as my own mind from realizing that I am in fact all of which I think about ‘others’/ an external point and reality. Thus

 

I commit myself to see how as long as there are points that I am not immediately taking back to self to walk the process of self correction, the nagging experience will continue as it is the accumulation of me having brushed aside/ left for later/ deliberately neglected moments where the actual key to realizing who I am as the person/ environment/ situation exists as myself – this is within the understanding that as long as I hold a right/ wrong and good/bad position toward another, I am still reflecting the limited version of myself that is not yet fully standing equal and one as everything and everyone, no matter how ‘harsh’ or how ‘bad’ or how ‘evil’ it may seem, as it is precisely the harsh, evil, bad, negative, pessimistic aspect that I have projected and dissociated from myself in my mind so as to not have to take responsibility for it – thus I commit myself to take responsibility for every single thought, belief, idea of myself as being ‘right’ and ‘the good person’ at all times with the ‘right judgment’ which leads to a ego position that is not willing to look at ‘the bad/ negative/ pessimistic’ that I must ensure I walk as myself in order to not allow such judgments to stand in the way of becoming a point that is able to stand one and equal to all parts of reality without separation – and this is what it is to be facing the ‘Evil’ as ourselves, as I finally understand that as long as we keep the least idea, belief or perception of something/ someone being a single definition that stands in separation of ourselves as equals, I am part of the separation that maintains this entire world system as is.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the righteousness that I’ve held has been in fact the evil aspect that has refrained me from standing one and equal as everything/ all here, because as long as I hold a value, judgment, belief and thought projected onto others believing that it is not about myself, the righteousness is preventing my own self-understanding/ seeing as one and equal – which indicates the reverse of Live as Evil that must be scrutinized as our own mind which actually allows me to see every moment what is it that I am separating myself from, as these are all indicated through the thoughts, experiences and reactions I hold toward others/ reality which is myself.

 

When and as I see myself believing that I am not responsible for the thoughts that I have because of them being an ‘assessment’ upon others/ reality, I stop and I breathe  I realize that self responsibility for everything we do, say, speak must be absolute so that I can in fact stand as an equal and one part of myself – because as long as a single value, judgment, belief, thought, experience is created upon reality, it indicates that personality/  ego is still being the directive force and not self as the unconditional stance of the physicality that I  am.

 

I commit myself to take the necessary breaths and moment to ensure that whatever I voice/ think and do is standing as an expression of myself that I can stand as for eternity – and that my single belief of this being ‘too far fetched’ to say ‘eternity’ is actually a point of ego that I must also walk through in order to stand as the full authority that I’ve abdicated as part of the evil/ reverse of living that I have believed myself to be wherein I have been limiting my own Write-ousness to right myself as that which I am willing to be/ stand as life/what is here as myself, without the ‘nagging’ limitation of me being only ‘in a process’ and placing the point of self realization as some ‘future outcome’ instead of seeing it as myself, here, as  I breathe, one and equal. 

 

 

Now, this is  a general Self Forgiveness, Self Corrective Application with regards to who I have been as a particular character that would stand as righteous within the ‘good/ positive’ aspect, taking a vantage position within that in order to not have to face every single judgment I made upon others as myself. Thus, the next step and process is to the denial of the evil within my reality and how I would only ‘cope with it’ existing in actual fear to realize that exists as myself as well, also who I am toward the relationships that I formed as a point of attraction due to the separation that I was existing as toward my own ‘evil side’ myself, and as such creating an energetic relationship to it through people/ things/ habits/ places, etc.  in order for me to not have to face it as myself, but always remain on the ‘safe side’ of the observer that is mostly an egotistical position toward our reality, as we cannot claim we are not part of something that is already here as ourselves.

 

Thus, I’ll continue deconstructing the righteousness/ goodness personality in relation to the ‘evil’ projected onto others/ the world instead of seeing it directly first as myself and walking the self correction within it to finally stand as one and equal to all parts and all aspects of myself.

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183. Like and Dislike = Mind Control

 

Positive Experience Reactions upon the Positive Backchat within the Procrastination Character.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be used to doing only that which I ‘like’ doing and that which ‘communes’ with my self-religion of self interest wherein all the activities that are related to me doing something that is not necessarily ‘enjoyable’ but necessary as I realize that within this, I have been used to always doing that which I am benefitted by within a positive experience, which is how I have made of my habits something that is in accordance to that which makes me ‘feel good’ and within this, creating an entire value scheme of positive and negative wherein I have things that I ‘like’ doing and things that I ‘dislike’ doing, which was the sole purpose of the existence of emotions and feelings really – (Suggest to listen to Reptilians – Where does Relationships come from – Part 40 for further reference and understanding on what emotions and feelings are)

 

When and as I see myself talking to myself about doing something that I would rather like to do instead of the task at hand, I stop and I breathe – I realize that the mere resistance and judgment toward that which I ‘don’t want to do, only exists at the level of my perception as the relationship created toward that point/ activity/ task based on me having a positive or negative experience toward it, instead of realizing that aligning myself to the physical reality implies not creating an energetic experience toward the tasks/ activities and responsibilities that must be done in order to walk ourselves out of the inner conflict of like and dislike and focus on the actual doing of the task, breath by breath to support myself to walk through the energetic drive that longs for some type of energetic fix o continue doing, which is not necessary to move physically.

 

I commit myself to stop creating energetic experiences of positive and negative toward the activities that I have to do on a daily basis as I see, realize and understand that emotions and feelings were only created for the purpose of instigating inner conflict and further separation through specialization and dislike that I have imprinted as the relationships formed with people as either positive o negative – the same with activities, things, environments which are only ‘here’ to further upgrade the ‘who I am’ as the mind, instead of equalizing myself as the physical reality.

 

I realize that the moment that I allow myself to create a judgment toward something or someone, I am defining/ limiting/ enslaving myself to my own created relationship which implies complying to my own energetic experience when believing that such task in itself is either preferred/ not preferred to do, based on my own beliefs, perceptions, value systems according to that which I react to in a positive or negative way, which in all cases indicates that If  I react in any way, I am still existing as a mind system of limitations. Therefore instead, I assist and support myself to walk my equalization as the physical taking into consideration the physical practicality of the task to be done and that which I require in order to accomplish it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be my own mind control when it comes to having a preference toward particular tasks and having a dislike or a negative experience toward other tasks and justifying that with me simply ‘preferring to do something else’ which is indicating that I am not making a self-directive decision, but that it is stemming from my own created value-system of likes and dislikes and preferences that in no way assist and support me to expand as I see and realize that relationships based on energy in fact separate ourselves from who we really are.  In this –

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in a positive way when backchatting myself in order to go out for a walk/ rather work on other tasks that I prefer doing, which is a way to get myself out of the sudden ‘heaviness’ experienced when realizing that I have to work on my task, and within this, allowing myself to immediate go into the positive-sphere of my experience, overcoming it with the idea of waiting for the moment to go out for a walk, not having enough time till then and as such, actually making the decision to not work on my task as I would rather wait to go outside doing ‘something else’ which is how I eventually end up postponing my self direction, because of giving into the preference which is not even an entire ‘excitement’ any longer, but more of a steadfastness that I haven’t allow myself to expand toward all areas of my doings.

 

When and as I see myself creating a positive reaction toward the idea of me instead of spending time working on my task, I rather do his ‘other tasks’ that I prefer doing – I stop and I breathe – I realize that in such moments I am not the one making the decision, but who I am as the energetic possession that seeks to satisfy itself in order to continue con-trolling my own self direction – which is me in all cases – wherein I realize that it is only me in one moment of breath that can decide not to give into the mind-experience that I ‘prefer’ but instead, act in common sense and doing that which I have to do as part of my responsibilities within this world.

I commit myself to stop enticing me to do something based on preference, but simply in that moment see the development of the event until that point of seducing me to do that ‘other thing’ I would rather do instead of dedicating time to this assignment and then live the decision of working and doing what is required to be done – which means that all positive aspects of the ‘option’ to take are to be seen as my own deceptive means in which I have created a positive experience toward others/ things/ events/ scenarios and have created a negative experience toward that which I see and realize is what enables us to expand, grow and walk through the initial limits and our ‘comfort zone’ that we are so used to remaining in.

Within this I also realize that one of the reasons why responsibility was feared or disliked is a deliberate obstacle in/as the mind as who we are in the mind will always seek for the positive experience as ‘the candy’ that will support its continuation and within that, creating the opposite in order to have something to create a ‘better experience’ in contrast, which can only exist if we hold and create definitions toward our world and reality.

I realize that Responsibility is a key word to live as the ability to expand and grow within our reality and that it has been broadly evaded deliberately to create a common-laxity at a social level wherein the more we are entertained only with our satisfaction as wants, needs and desires, the less attention we pay toward the actual ‘workings’ of the system and the actual reality that is going on day by day wherein it is because of the sum of all our procrastination to get to do things that are to our own benefit as humanity, the less we create solutions, because we are being part of the fuel of the problems and the problem itself – hence we must create the solutions.

Thus within this, I see and realize that even if I see this point of doing a particular tasks something ‘isolated’ from my responsibility to the  whole, it implies that I am really not living unconditionally applying myself in all aspects of my reality and as such, it Is relevant and important as we are all as  humanity within this procrastination creating a reality of mediocrity which is what I have judged before and that which I am going into the moment that I participate in a positive feeling experience in ‘doing something else’  that is most likely time consuming, life consuming and entertainment/ diversion point that most of the times doesn’t benefit myself and my process.

 

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176.Imagining the worst case scenario: Obstacles to Protect Self Interest

Continuing with Procrastination CharacterImagination and the reactions to it

You can read more about the exploration within the Imagination dimension in the following blog: 169. Imagination as a Distraction to Not Do things

 

Now, I have walked the thought-dimension of the image of the office and me creating an experience of dread and further anxiety due to the ‘impending doom’ of actually having to confront the professor with my writing itself.

Then there is the other imagination point which is a future projection moment wherein I am facing all the ‘jury’ and presenting my work and expecting the worst which in this case would be them pointing out that my work has nothing to do with my career.

The third point of imagination is having to go through all the ‘paper work’ go get this done, from printing the document to all the necessary permits and letters and all of that scholar bureaucracy that I have also resisted to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within giving energy to the thought of me being at the office, start ‘rolling the imagination’ and playing out a future possibility of my professor simply pointing out that such writing is not acceptable/ is nowhere near finished, and that I have to re-do it all over again wherein I create an experience within my mind within this imagination moment of anxiety and absolute petrification because this means that I have to actually re-do the whole thing again, without realizing that this worst case scenario is only revealing to me how I am entertaining my mind and how I am allowing one single point of imagination to prevent me from actually simply physically doing it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as incompetent and not good enough when confronting my work with my professor, partly because of fearing that I won’t satisfy the praising of art based on the belief that I have with regards to me having to ‘praise my career’ in such paper, instead of actually realizing that this is my opportunity to be self honest and that as such, this self-investigation does not have to be compromised in any way – I also realize that I am within this participation in imagination, making everything a lot more than what it actually is which is just a protocol aspect of finishing a career, wherein instead, I have allowed myself to go into/ sink into anxiety and fear and what if’s, entertaining me in my mind with all these negative future possible outcomes as imagination, which I have used as an excuse to simply not do anything at all about it.

I realize that within this fear I also immediately realize it for ‘what it is’ and then, a laxity comes after this whole play out wherein it is as if I’ve become ‘comfortably numb’ so to speak with regards to this situation, which actually not acceptable as it is once again, just another way of me giving into energy that seems ‘harmless’ because I am not actively participating in fear, but within that seemingly ‘stable’ calmness I have created my own ‘sedative’/ chill pill within my mind wherein I simply stop looking at those thoughts BUT, instead of moving and taking the opportunity and moment to actually MOVE, I instead leave it for later which is then a point that is revealing to what extent I have made ‘okay’ within my mind to simply not work on this, which is actually based on actual fears emerging within  the imagination and an actual anxiety experienced that I have managed to ‘stop’ in a moment, however it obviously returns because the physical correction is not being done, which means: I can stop fear in the moment as an experience within the entire imagination, and I can stop participating in imagination – however, the point returns and will return as long as I don’t simply do it.

 

When and as I see myself going into imagination point of talking within my professor’s office and hearing the words that indicate that I have to do it all over again, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this imagination is only an excuse for me to actually not do it based on fears and future projections and whatnot which is simply a point of distraction instead of actually DOING IT. I also realize that I can stop the imagination and I can stop the reaction in one breath, however, this same image will continue haunting me as long as I don’t actually DO IT and give it physical direction – this is how I see and realize that no matter if we stop all our participation in thoughts, backchat and imagination and reactions, if we don’t do it, such stopping will simply be another chill pill/ instant placebo remedy wherein we actually then participate in the ‘positive imagination’ in order to make it alright and get back to the ‘feeling good/ better about myself’ in my reality through talking to myself about things that I am doing/ that I can do instead/ that I would ‘rather do’ instead of committing myself to this task.

I commit myself to stop the laxity that comes after relieving myself from these reactions and future play outs within the realization that yes, I am participating in my mind and that is not required in order to do things –however it takes an actual physical movement to ensure that I do not remain the laxity toward my compromise to get this done and believe that ‘fear is just for further self-control’ wherein I talk myself into reasoning why creating fears is simply not necessary to do things, however remain without doing them – thus I commit myself to stop fooling myself when it comes to this ‘stability’ that I know and realize is also a cover up to the actual anxiety that has been suppressed about this point by my own procrastination toward it based on ‘reasoning’ the doing instead of physically doing it.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the future projection/ imagination point of being in that room where examinations take place and being facing a series of people looking at me with a ‘what the fuck’ face, and going into fear because of realizing that my work is not directly linked to ‘art creation’ itself but more of a self-creative process wherein I am my own prime matter – within this creating a reaction of absolute fear and anxiety when projecting myself within this imagination and going into further backchat – which I will explore later –wherein I while being here and imagining all these aspects, go into fear, shut down everything related to ‘doing that work’ and instead focus in ‘something else’ that must be done, which is me then using other responsibilities as an excuse to not do this, while fully seeing how it is linked to this mind-creation of rejection by the academy toward my work.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be pessimistic about my work, myself and my presentation toward others, wherein while imagining myself presenting my work with others, I see myself trying to sound ‘convincing’ to others and fearing them just not ‘buying it’ without realizing that I don’t have to be convincing others in order to present myself, my writing, talking about it and replicating with common sense at all times

When and as I see myself using the future projection of being in the examination room with people and believing that they are rejecting/ not buying my explanation and me going into absolute nervousness and stumbling upon my own words – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am only creating this worst case scenario in my mind as an excuse to actually not Do things  – thus

I commit myself to stop pondering about the ‘what ifs’ and instead commit myself to do it, as I see and realize that it must be done no matter how long it takes – I have to get it done.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an experience of disgust and even tiredness whenever I imagine having to go here and there and print and move with lots of permits and paperwork to get this done, wasting money/ time which I have considered as being very ‘valuable’ within me –without realizing that this is one of the aspects of walking the system, or realizing how things work and function whenever one decides to get a proper title and also realizing that I am making it a lot more in my head based on what other people would tell me with regards to ‘all the time it takes’ and ‘all the paperwork’ which I have created as this foggy load in the back of my head when imagining myself having to go through the same process due to me believing that it will just be ‘too much,’ which is how I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself based on the Idea that I create of something/ a particular task, instead of simply focusing on Doing it physically and walking through the necessary points breath by breath, as this is how I have also walked an entire career already  – breath by breath, walking Through it and not wasting my breaths hooking onto the ‘experience’ of going through it.

When and as I see myself imagining the entire process of going to all these offices with bright white light and waiting, and sitting and moving around from campus to campus in order to get the papers done and making it an absolute ‘brick’ on the top of my head wherein I go into this heaviness and dread and apathy to do it, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is part of the points that I must walk through in order to get things done – thus I stop judging, I stop listening to the voices of the memories that indicated/ told me about how ‘dreadful’ and ‘tiresome’ and ‘annoying’ this whole process was which I have used as an excuse to simply not do it at all, which is unacceptable since I am simply at the very last stage of getting this done and as such, I cannot ruin it all just by one single imagination aspect of me having to go through all of these things and making it a lot more than what it in fact is in my mind.

I commit myself to stop participating in the imagination play out of me going to all of these offices and institutional dependencies from the university in order to get the necessary paperwork and instead focus on me walking every step breath by breath and realizing that there are No Shortcuts to this, it must be done, it can be done and it is simply one aspect of the entire process of me walking through this entire phase of my career, unconditionally.

 

I see and realize that this means that I don’t have to create a future projection of getting something done the way that ‘I want to get it done’ which is base on my exigencies of wanting everything to be done perfectly, without any ‘obstacles’ and without any ‘objections’ from others which is then part of the ‘controller’ personality that I see and realize will be part of debunking this entire process which is in essence wanting everything to be done ‘perfectly’ and ‘fine’ with no problems/ no flaws without realizing that this is all existent as this ‘immaculate process’ within my mind instead of actually physically dedicating myself to do it.

 

So how can I be holding on to this imagination and thinking about this point being done ‘perfectly’ and ‘without any objections’ if I am not practically and physically simply doing it?

 

I see and realize how much we can fool ourselves in fears and imaginations and future projections as a justification to not do things, whereas if we had our physical body deciding to imagine how ‘awful’ it would be to digest our food the following day, or having to process a physical activity and becoming fearful of having to ooze the toxins while working out or having to digest and poop out our food, we would be dead as nothing in our physical organism would be / get done – thus if I am standing up for Life in Equality – I equalize myself as my physical body that is unconditional to move and physically function 24/7 every single day as long as I am breathing here – and that’s the reality of physicality – I stop participating in bullshit alternate realities of the mind as ‘obstacles’ of self interest

Ludicrous and must stop here – but this will continue lol

 

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Day 56: Disappointed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience disappointment with myself today based on the judgment that I’ve held toward my lack of self-movement to actually be the most effective and self-directive I realize I can be in my reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an experience of disappointment toward myself based on existing as an expectation of fulfilling within myself a sense of ‘satisfaction’ as the saturation of positive energy in means of letting myself know that ‘I am doing good’ and I am ‘alright,’ wherein I am in fact then only feeding a pattern of ‘surviving’ as the energy of expectations that require to be ‘met’ in order for me to ‘feel good about myself,’ and due to such expectations not being met, I experience a sense of ‘disappointment’ wherein I simply have missed the point of direction that I exist as in every moment of breath to actually physically direct myself and that’s it – but instead, I use such moments to generate an expectation that has to be crushed in order to reveal to myself that existing in such mental projections toward a sense of ‘satisfaction’ can only exist as the mind to feed my own personality of being constantly ‘satisfied’ with myself as energy, as positive experience/ neutral experience of ‘everything is fine’ at a mind level, and not being simply here breathing as myself in the physical.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a sense of ‘lack’ as this disappointment wherein I believe that I ‘must’ satisfy myself/ others as the idea of myself that is linked to this completion/ fulfillment and ‘satisfaction’ as a positive energy-experience linked to completing tasks, linked to being ‘the most effective’ and the most ‘well-done’ and efficient person, which implies that this is all ego-based and not real in any way whatsoever because it’s only existing within the context  of me as an idea of self and future projection to be met –Not existing within and as who I am as an individual that is here as breath , physically realizing the points that require direction and just doing it.

 

I realize that as long as I hold this ‘idea’ of myself, there will always be a gap to be closed as I am not in fact moving the totality of myself in consideration of giving it all that I am in every single moment of breath, due to still allowing fleeting moments of opting/ preferring to do some things over others, which imply that I am not yet the absolute directive principle of myself, but existing as an idea that is pliable to my own set of preferences and needs, which are stemming from actual resistance to do work that is required to be done in order for me to stop looping around the same points, which is useless if I already know the actions to be done: it just requires doing it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘disappointed’ simply because of perceiving that I am not getting ‘enough energy’ to keep me as that point of ‘self-satisfaction’ that is fueled  by experiences, by temporary fixes with food, entertainment, people in my world, casual flirts, looking forward for events and when I am not getting any of this and deliberately stopping them, I perceive that I am in fact ‘lacking’ something and causing me this sense of ‘s.o.s. do something or you will die’ which is only the mind absolutely craving for anything that will give that temporary fix, which is just like existing in withdrawal symptoms after having been so addicted to a mind that will use virtually Anything- from a single comment, word, person’s interaction, a drink, food, weather, people, a scenario, something I read, something I receive from another – and the list goes on – in order to create this sense of ‘I exist for others!’ which is only myself as the mind getting its confirmation of: yes, you still exist as relationships of the mind as your ego/ personality toward others – and in that, believe that I am ‘back on track’ which is Not as the self-stability that I should exist here-as-myself in every moment of breath, but instead that stability is based on the mind’s stability as that feed of energy that I have become so used to experiencing as ‘who I am’ as the mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, for a moment, believe that I could actually be ‘dissatisfied’ and ‘disappointed’ which in fact are only words that indicate that I am ‘not getting enough for my ego’ – as I realize that I am well aware in every moment if I am living as life – here and being absolutely self directive or not – hence being ‘disappointed’ as any other ‘beingness’ is in fact an energy-possession accumulation that I have given a name/ defined according to the types of energy that I’ve been used to getting in the past, and I am not deliberately fueling any longer. In this case ‘disappointment’ implies that perceived ‘target’ as that future projection that I would live up to throughout my life, always having lived to a future moment wherein I would be finally ‘complete’ – without practically having taking the steps to see How I would get myself to such position, which has been part of the ‘fleeting’ and ‘airy’ personality wherein words are not directed and lived, but only spoken with a sense of ‘hope’ that it will happen in any way, just like miraculously.

 

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to realize that it is this same sense of ‘future satisfaction’ that has been the lie we have accepted as humanity to ‘run our lives’ toward that elusive paradise-like happiness and fulfillment, which is only feeding my mind according to its necessary creation of relationships in separation of myself as life, while supporting the same mechanism within the world system to survive as a mind-system of energy, and never having pondered if it was okay to simply be and direct myself with the usual necessary without having to comply to follow such elusive dreams of absolute satisfaction and fulfillment.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I can only be disappointed as an individual experience after having been seeking to ‘meet my target’ which existed as a future projection based on myself at this age and pondering about ‘what am I doing with my life’ and how I had projected myself doing ‘so many things,’ which boiled down to nothing. Yet I see that it was necessary for that to happen as all dreams, future projections and ‘visualizations’ of myself in the future were based and created within the ‘who I am as a mind’ – therefore, all future projections were based upon me wanting to fulfill the ‘me’ as the mind that would constantly generate these ‘dreams’ about the future, to ensure its survival as me continuing fueling the desires, hopes and dreams of such experiences wherein I could finally feel ‘satisfied’ about myself and my life.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I will go through many ‘withdrawal symptoms’ every time that the mind does not get its constant ‘feed’ wherein my life will seem empty and I would create an experience in/of the mind of ‘dissatisfaction’ and ‘disappointment’ upon not getting that necessary energy to continue going, which is the moment wherein I would usually give up on doing something simply because of not getting the same ‘excitement’ and ‘positive experience,’ which is how I would withdraw from such point/ activity in my world and start something else, never completing something to its absolute.  In this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to having kept my mind busy/ satisfied with the necessary attention/ energy to continue existing as all the relationships I have formed with others in my reality in separation of myself as one and equal, wherein only the ‘who I am’ as the idea of self was being fed and supported through this constant ‘feed’ through any of the interactions with others that would verify that I still ‘am’ something for others as the beingness of consciousness, as personality as the ego that is fed through and by the relationships created with others.

 

I realize that I have ‘naturally’ linked these two words ‘dissatisfaction’ and ‘disappointment’ as they both imply me as the mind not ‘meeting its target’ as the necessary energy for me to continue existing as the set of relationships I had created for and of myself ‘in the future’ from the time when I was 16 years old and pondering ‘what I would do in the future’ and ‘where I would be in 10 years’ wherein I created all types of high expectations toward myself based on seeking to satisfy the idea of self as all the ‘me’ that had been a ‘brilliant person’ in school, which I see and realize means nothing as all that which I am has nothing to do with the physicality that is here and cannot be ‘disappointed’ as that is only a  mind generated idea that exists whenever I am ‘dissatisfied’ as in not getting enough energy to saturate myself with attention as thoughts, emotions, feelings and any other form of mind relationship that I had become addicted to, as a single point of self-definition such as a dream, a future projection, a friendship of the past that can in any way ‘get me back on track’ which is the race toward that ultimate fulfillment of myself as the mind as the personality with ego projections of success and fulfillment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from completion as self here, wherein I generate a separation from myself as a mind experience of ‘dissatisfaction’ and ‘disappointment’ the moment that I perceive that I am ‘not meeting my target’ which is mimicking the way that corporations function, always seeking to reach this ‘target’ as the necessary influx of money to keep running the business in a ‘smooth’ manner, while keeping the entire world system function in a ‘mint’ enslaving mechanism.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize how within the seemingly ‘unimportant’ points I am in fact feeding an entire mechanism at a world-wide level wherein my dissatisfaction and disappointment is usually ‘fulfilled’ and ‘overcome’ through buying, consuming and generating any form of relationship for the mind to continue its directive-role within ourselves as humanity, missing the totality of ourselves as completion, as wholeness that just requires to live as self-directive beings in consideration of what’s best for all, which is in this case overlooked and all that remains is that absolute self interest to satisfy and ‘foolfill’ ourselves within the options that people that take advantage of such emotional experiences in human beings have very well studied and prepared for ourselves to get ‘our fix’

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that any moment that I am not Here as life – breathing – moving – self-directing, I exist as some form of lack that seeks to be satisfied in the form of a want, need, desire generated by my mind based on the past and previous patterns of the ways in which I would ‘get my fix’ no matter how ‘small’ it may seem, within this always ‘giving into’ the experience of the mind as disappointment in order to get something outside of myself to ‘get myself back on track’ as the race of the mind to ‘meet its goal’  – within this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to occupy only my mind and forget about the rest of the physical body that I exist as every time that I go into a mind-experience such as ‘disappointment’ wherein ‘all that matters’ is then getting myself back on the ‘track’ within the ongoing mind-feeding game that uses goals/ future projections wherein I keep myself bound to a single outcome that I can fulfill/ not fulfill and define myself as then being satisfied/ dissatisfied according to ‘who I am as the mind.’

 

I realize that the only real dissatisfaction that can exist is having no food in my stomach, not having water, proper living support for an extended period of time wherein the real pains of hunger and starvation are a constant experience for billions in this world, which should make us ponder how we are constantly looking after ‘how we feel’ instead of realizing how within such question I am only considering ‘myself’ in that moment, while in fact adding myself as the other billions seeking to be satisfied as the positive experience of myself that generate – as a consequence – the billions that starve because we live in a reality wherein the opposites are created the moment that only one pole is pursued and sought, which implies that we are directly responsible for every single atrocity as a result of any inkling of positive thinking and positive attitude that seeks to be More within everything we do in the name of self-satisfaction.

 

When and as I see myself experiencing a sense of ‘lack’ as dissatisfaction and in that going into the experience of disappointment as a result of not getting my energy to keep going on, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am simply existing as a mind that seeks for its survival – instead I direct myself to continue being here as breath wherein I see and realize that I must physically will myself to move myself regardless of any incentive, motivation or positive input that I used to be fueled by within my reality.

 

I also realize that there are problems in our reality that require our focus and attention which we are not in any way supporting while getting caught up in our minds – therefore  in order to stop such patterns from existing within us as a whole, the conflict and sense of ‘lack’ must be stopped within me first, to then support others to see how we have created our own ‘lack’ as a system of energy that does not consider life as a constant in-breath and out-breath that can be materialized as giving and receiving in a system of equality, but instead have decided to enslave ourselves to a system wherein because we want to be ‘more’ = we generate abuse invariably somewhere else within this social organism.

 

I realize then that this point of disappointment is only existent as a mind possession that is Not ‘meeting its target’ as that ‘something’ that I would always have as a motivation to ‘keep going,’ because I realize that I have never moved-me as self-movement before, but that I am only now realizing that If I don’t change,If I don’t move = Nothing will change and Nothing will move.

 

I realize that anything that ‘moves me’ is not ‘me’ but my mind seeking any past connection, any memory, relationship and idea of myself in order to fuel myself as an experience which is quite a ‘simplistic’ and easy way to trap myself in and as a mind possession if I give head to it in one single fleeting moment wherein I am not being Here, self directive, breathing and stop the minutest mind-wavering experience.

 

I commit myself to stop the backchat that is indicating that the mind is wanting its fix as the positive experience/ reward in order to ‘keep going,’ and instead realize that this is a physical process wherein nothing will move if I don’t move. 

 

I commit myself to flag point any experience related to ‘satisfaction’ and ‘feeling satisfied’ and ‘feeling alright’ as that indicates that I am somehow generating a positive experience as a necessary fuel to keep myself going as the mind, which is the very ‘addiction’ that I am here to stop for once and for all. I realize that the mind will do anything possible for me to crave my fix, and that I have even experienced extreme physical discomfort whenever I don’t follow through with the desire, which is the necessary pains to stop me from giving into that usual desire and fix to do ‘what pleases me’ but not what I am as a physical being that recognizes the responsibility that is required to be taken by myself, within the consideration of the decision I’ve made to stand up for life – which is not to be taken ‘lightly’ but with actual physical consequences that are implied within me giving head to my own desires, wishes, wants, needs, desires.

 

I realize that I had become used to being a constant ‘feeder’ for my mind, wherein even if I had a relatively ‘simple’ life, I would still trigger interactions, experiences and place myself deliberately in situations wherein I could get my mind-fix to continue fueling the idea of myself as my ego which is the very point and only point of resistance that I am walking through in order to become an absolute self-directive being that I realize I can be and become if I stop walking a middle-path of ‘nothingness’ as a mind that is seeking to be complete, not as an actual nothingness that exists here in every moment that I realize the responsibility that I have committed myself to for/ as life.

 

I recommend listening to the practical masturbation series that have just begun with basic physical tangible perspectives and aspects that we can start considering in our reality which, surprisingly enough, are very linked to the entire mechanism of us fueling our minds with anything or anyone to keep that same ‘ego’ glowing and growing, without us having any resolution to stop due to the pleasure that it represents. It is is vital to also hear the Soul of Money interviews as they explain the sexualization of society as well, as that mechanism to ‘keep us going’ as energy-beings of the mind that use and abuse the physical in order to continue satisfying the ‘who I am’ as the mind, and neglecting/ abusing the physical reality that is here as ourselves, that requires our directive participation within the starting point of what is best for all Life at all times.

 

 

 

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Day 28: I’m Always Right

The cycle of generating some form of conflict  and friction in our reality to then create and formulate ways to get ourselves out of it into a positive experience is the only way that we can be constantly accumulating these ‘pats of god’ (or god spats lol)  to temporarily satiate our constant yearn to be ‘fulfilled/ happy/ productive’ and yes, creating a sense of comfort out of that initial self-created beaten and won war against, well essentially only ourselves.


Self Righteous was my ‘flavor’ when it came to living out such pattern, and I am dead honest that I had not realized this until it was pointed out in my face while being at the farm and talking the point of ‘my way’ out, wherein I had deemed that my perceived ‘positive attributes’ didn’t have to be self-forgiven/ corrected, without realizing how they were in fact only generated out of the point that I now understand with more clarity: we birth ourselves as conflict that seeks the eternal completion/ fulfillment/ satisfaction as that positive experience that we have to constantly feed/ upkeep as an elusive ‘state of being’ that has lead us to co-create the current world system where ‘all your dreams can come true’ if you have enough millions in the hole-on-wall and enough needy people to do ‘whatever they can for you’ in exchange of some of your cake’s crumbs.



So – this constant desire to always be ‘right,’ of always having the ‘ultimate say’ becomes a ‘desire-to-always-win’ pattern wherein any window of opportunity is used to outshine and blind with lights of ‘I know it all’ wherein the more we believe we are ‘right,’ the harder it gets to turn off the light  – why? because all things related to instant gratification are easily consumed. It’s like offering a candy or a vegetable to a ‘regular’ person – they would mostly go for the candy because it creates a nice fluffy feeling, whereas the vegetable is cool for your digestive tract – yet it doesn’t recreate, instigate or enhance any feeling that makes us feel a little piece of heaven for a moment, only running out as the effect of any drug that we then seek to come back for more. The fact that we have equated ‘winning’ to ‘living’ is another one of those capitalistic logical statements that we have adopted as ‘our life’ – and within this, we have accepted ourselves to become our very own dictators of what is right/ wrong, good/ bad in our reality. We all run our own Wall Street in our mind and somehow we always manage to make the algorithms work on our favor – no different to how money runs (or is created out of thin air) in this world.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find fault in people, things, places, events in order to have the ‘ultimate say’ about it wherein in my mind, I either have to humbly accept that something is ‘cool’ and ‘alright’ or I get the most juice of it all by claiming that ‘it’s wrong, it’s not good enough, it’s flawed’ which proves that I only get the most winning-experience when in my mind I am able to find enough fault/ mistakes that I can judge in order to then correct them within my own mind and in that believe that ‘I can do/ be better than that, my idea was better’


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I always get the most of the cake/ the most positive reward whenever I am able to prove something/ someone wrong and in that, build my ego up based on ‘finding fault in another,’ wherein such projection can only exist if I seek to prove myself right according to what I ‘believe,’ and ‘what I am’ as an idea in my mind, because I see and realize that in physicality, we are all one and equal – bones, cells, tissue, organs, flesh don’t require to prove something or someone wrong or right in order to exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always place myself in my mind above others, wherein no matter what is being said, I cringe whenever there is something that I must admit is ‘right’ and in that, believe that I am ‘diminishing’ myself because of agreeing with another’s words/ statements, wherein because I didn’t get to ‘prove them wrong,’ I am left with my initial state of only seeking to make myself feel ‘more’ and ‘better’ based on placing myself ‘on top’ of others, which can only be a mental masturbation in my mind wherein my ‘success’ is stemming from bashing/ proving others wrong.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the very judge of everything and everyone in means of seeking ways to always make myself feel better about it all, which implies that I seek to ‘out do’ someone, ‘become better’ based on excelling in comparison to others, wherein I then live a life of constant and continuous strife to ‘always be right,’ because ‘being right’ has become the very definition of how I see myself, who I believe myself to be, because that’s the way that I have accepted and allowed myself to be worthy/ be acceptable/ be important toward others – in this


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live a life not for myself but as a constant comparison and projected judgment onto others, without realizing that within this very mechanism of me always ‘being right,’ I am in fact fearing and avoiding ‘being wrong’ at all cost, which implies that


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘diminish’ who I am as an idea – which is the only thing that can diminish of myself – when realizing that I was in fact ‘wrong’ within a particular circumstance wherein such experience is felt as a failure, as a ‘loss’ which is what generates envy and jealousy whenever we project such loss as an experience toward others that ‘got it right,’ and in that, create an entire antagonism based on only ‘me’ as my ego wanting to continue ‘winning’ all the time, wherein anyone that gets to be on the same/ similar position is seen as an enemy/ threat to who I am as the ego that is always right.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the very power-game that fuels the idea of myself in this immaculate self-righteous person that suffers and goes into the negative and self-deprecating person if that initial desire and projection as a ‘winner’ is not fulfilled wherein then I step down of the hill all the way down and below sea level, wherein I in fact remain ‘out of competition’ because of perceiving that ‘If I could not do it my way, then fuck it, I won’t play the game any more’, which is the usual way of victimizing myself wherein


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a victimized state that also requires to be kept ‘alive’ by me deliberately denying that I am capable/ able to direct myself effectively and believing that because I didn’t ‘get it right’ the first time, I just rather pass-on the point/ work/ assignment onto others that ‘have proven to do it right, ‘ which is not an unconditional move but an actual victimized state masked with ‘understanding, ‘which is stemming from the spiteful nature toward ourselves when not getting our immediate ‘fix’ of feeling ‘great’ for ‘always being right’ about something/ someone/ event.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the opposite polarity of believing that ‘I always fail at this/ I always get it wrong’ which also gets an energetic kick as an experience whenever another can confirm and commiserate to my own victimization, wherein them agreeing that I am in fact ‘fucked up,’ makes me – absurdly so – feel better, because I was able to get a confirmation from another of what I created for myself as ‘being wrong,’ which in a twisted energetic game becomes a ‘positive experience’ because I got seconded by another in my own mental delusion, proving in my mind that ‘I was right,’ which becomes then a perceived ‘fine’ experience in stagnant self-wrongness that eventually makes us feel ‘good’ as well, because we get the confirmation by others that ‘that’s who I am/ that’s ‘my nature’ and that’s what ‘I deal with,’ yet without the actual understanding of how I created such patterns for myself.



I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to only become a person of ‘good reputation’ when considering that all acts of such self-seeking positive nature support the maintenance of the money system running as the consequence of this desire to only win. Instead I see that any disagreement toward a point of common sense, can only allow myself to reflect within me ‘who am I’ while reading others’ blogs/ sharings and in that, see if I am trying to prove something wrong/ right when and while reading others words.


I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I was born out of conflict and in that, becoming Self-Righteous means that I get my satisfaction from being appraised as ‘always right,’ which is what then gets me out of my initial self-perception of being wrong and seeking to ‘be right’ wherein through obtaining the positive feedback, I build the conceptual confidence and stability based on compliments/ words/ perceptions that I believe is ‘who I am,’ therefore perceiving it as a way of accepting ‘who I am’ as ‘always being right’ at the eyes of others, creating me a flattery experience – without realizing that I am the only one that has structured this ‘rewarding game, ‘ wherein others’ expression is fitted into my own rules of the game to make them useful to fulfill my own created patterns of winning, losing, being recognized, being wronged by others, in that scheming my own inner conflict through positive and negative feedback that I have accepted and allowed to define ‘who I am.’


I realize that I have always only played all of these games in secret, within my mind wherein there is no ‘others eyes’ as judgments other than the thoughts that I constructed within myself at all times. This is then debunking the constant participation within the permanent comparison toward others to assess ‘where am I in relation to others,’ which can only exist within me existing as a value that can be more or less than others, which is ludicrous and can only be ‘real’ as the idea of self – never as who I really am as one and equal as life.


I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that what I in fact fear to self forgive is my ability to continue existing as a self-righteous person because in that, ‘who I am’ is exposed and mined wherein all that is left for me is to live without being a constant energy seeking machine to be ‘right’ at all times, but instead simply direct myself within the consideration of what’s best for all, wherein I am able to express in a self-directive manner wherein I ensure no backchat as comparison/ judgments/ self righteousness is being the starting point of my participation.


When and as I see myself assessing others using my right-o-meter as the mental ever-present judge that I’ve become, I stop and I breathe – I realize that all that I am ‘assessing’ is in fact my own mind, projecting judgments onto other which eventually  affect and disrate how I view others – in my mind – and in that be the point that hears/ sees within common sense wherein I allow myself to stand as the correction and then simply externalize it/ communicating, which is then being a supportive point to establish equal-relationships wherein no more competition, rivalry and judgment onto others as right or wrong is perpetuated.


I commit myself to stop the mechanism of me wanting to be right all the time in order to accumulate ‘props for my ego,’ wherein who I am and has been cannot be defined as knowledge/ information/ self beliefs to feed on. I move me as an assessment of what’s best for all in the moment, without over complicating the point by having to add ‘extra value’ to it –I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to adopt self-righteousness as my personal religion wherein everything I judge upon others ‘is and must be so’ because in my mind ‘I’m always right,’ which is used as a necessary crutch to cover up the initial uncertainty, mistrust, fear and self judgment that is polarized into a positive-view of reality wherein I make sure that I am always ‘winning’


I commit myself to stop all desires to always win, and in that, give myself back to myself that which I thought I had to ‘prove someone/ something’ wrong to, within this I am able to identify the points that I have separated myself from and in that, assess my application in practicality and living-reality wherein the only law of our being as equality and oneness can be the ultimate say in this reality, not knowledge.


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Day 9: Politeness

I’ve been having in the back of my head how I developed the survival system of behaving politely/ in a socially acceptable manner since I was a little child. This is mostly to how I was raised by my parents and other socioeconomical factors that have created definitive ‘marks’ on who I am as my behavior.

 

The image that comes to my mind is a picture that I saw once in my photo album from my first years alive and I am placing a napkin hanging from the collar of my t-shirt with a rather righteous/haughty/ fancy look and my mother is next to me looking at the camera. Another one is a picture of me with a paper-made crown sitting on a sofa, like a ‘throne’ for a queen when I was just 2 and a half years old; there’s another one of me sinking my hands in a bucket of water while my then nanny is crouching down and looking at me, probably warning me about getting all wet and that I should not sink all my arms into the bucket of water that was probably as tall as my waist line. My father’s car is in the background which means I wanted to clean it just the way he does, I was only 3 years old then. There’s also pictures of me having these huge headphones and sitting next to a tape recorder while having my mouth open, which means I was singing. Well, all those points developed into defined personalities such as being always holding a napkin on my hand while eating as a symbol of ‘proper manners’ and eating behavior, being a cleanliness freak, being a ‘music lover’ and being a self-righteous ego on two feet within a sense of having some domain or specialness in me. And I was only 2 to 3 years old in all of those photos.

 

So this point came up as something to write about when listening to some interviews today in relation to observing behavior, which is one dimension that I have not fully delved into looking myself as behavior linked to the personalities that I developed throughout the years. I tested out a word to write about today and ‘manners’ came up which is then how this whole point opened up.

 

Being polite is one of the main ‘characteristics’ and behavior that I play out when being with people and ‘in public,’ and the image of my father playing to be a polite soldier comes up, actually my mother would call me something like little tin soldier when I was a little girl, which probably explains a lot as well. Okay but not to deviate from the point. My father would always let us know to ‘be still!’ and basically both my parents educated us in such a way that we would act like little grown up people.

 

This politeness got imprinted ‘heavily’ later on from when I was 6-7 years when socializing with my parents friends whom I perceived as ‘more than’ because of essentially having quite a lot of money and having these huge houses and living in cool residential areas that I would enjoy going to play to. In that, I would perceive such world as everyone being ‘polite’ – which is how I’ve linked it to being ‘political’ in the character/way of being that politicians act like, which is basically focusing on presenting a particular façade to play safe all the time when being in public.

 

‘Keeping a good image’ was something also induced by my mother, hers was mostly in the ‘expressive’ aspect of watching my mouth and not being ‘impertinent’ when speaking to people –my father focused on the physical behavior, like telling us to sit properly and crouching down to always pull up my socks and ensuring my shoes are clean. I’m laughing because of how much I simply accepted that as ‘normal’ and that’s why I had such a hard time interacting with other kids because they didn’t give a fuck about manners and being polite or getting their clothes dirty – so I developed a judgmental experience toward anyone that ‘would not be polite’ = being a regular human being, really.

 

Till this day I’ve caught myself going into a reaction the moment that I perceive that someone is Not being polite as in ‘taking advantage of a position’ – like someone wanting to win a place in the queue for something – or getting one step ahead of me to have a better place while waiting for the train, seemingly ‘unnoticeable events’ wherein I have automated responses of criticizing and judging people because of them not being polite.

 

The points that I’ll be walking and opening up are aspects of myself that I had not opened up for having them as ingrained belief systems that I deemed as ‘positive’ and in that, thinking that I should not bother to look at them, without realizing that there is actually a great part of myself ‘hidden’ behind these seemingly cool attributes that I’ve lived so far. As long as there is an entire indoctrination system behind it, I must investigate it, which means that no matter how ‘cool’ I perceive a point that I’m living to be, I must investigate it to make sure that whatever I am building/ creating and establishing myself here as, is based on actual self-understanding of How I got to be ‘who I am’ at the moment – in such case, how ‘manners’ exist as a belief system charged with a positive experience wherein the ‘negative’ is created the moment that I, through my politeness-filter of reality, judge and criticize everyone that I believe are Not polite and within that Not ‘humanly’ enough to interact with.

 

This means that I’ve created of my ‘politeness’ an elitist system wherein I believe that a well-educated being will have certain attributes that make them consider others before them, a way of perpetual altruism that often evokes a ‘good feeling’ out of it, which means it is an energetic-based personality and not an unconditional expression of self, as a sense of neighborism that is acquired within the basic principle and understanding of What’s Best for All as Equals.

 

I’ll be continuing opening up different aspects and dimensions of this ‘manner’ point as the behaviors ingrained with personalities throughout different stages of my life, which I had not opened up in fear of them being almost ‘self-glorifying’ yet suppressed and still existent within me, which means that every time I suppress it, I am recreating it and accepting it as ‘part of myself/ who I am’ without even noticing it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as ‘politeness’ as a behavioral pattern that I had deemed to be ‘positive’ and ‘good’ for myself within the belief that being polite is an attribute that all people should live by, as that would make our coexistence ‘easier’ in this world, without considering that it is actually only an experience that I have created based on survival as the improved acceptance that a polite person gets within society and certain socieconomical stratus wherein money dictates the education that a person has, and in that, the behavioral patterns that denote a person’s ‘quality of living’ and parental values at home.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give continuation to a behavioral pattern such as ‘having good manners’ from the starting point of revealing/ showing that ‘I am well educated’ and in that, creating an ideal of who I am as ‘my education’ as ‘my family’ and ‘values’ that I have given to a certain behavior wherein I then judge/ criticize anyone that cannot fit into a category of being well-educated/ polite, without realizing how this is a belief system that I have adopted and continued in the name of representing ‘who I am’ as a configuration based on how my parents wanted us to ‘be’ within the social context wherein high-education, manners and ‘values’ are highly regarded, which would ensure our survival and positioning in the world system within a high-stratus in society.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that a person with ‘good manners’ is well educate as a synonym of being ‘a good neighbor’/ good person which implies that I have created my own elitist value schemes toward people according to how I see them through my politeness-filter personality, which implies that I will only ‘mingle’ with those that I perceive as educated, well mannered and polite according to how I was taught I should be/ behave as a little child at home.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a superiority experience within me whenever I see myself being ‘polite’ toward people and getting an ‘instant-gratification’ reward such as being thanked for doing something for another which is then implying that my ‘politeness’ is not an unconditional common sensical expression of and as self, but still an energetic personality that I try to keep up to, without realizing that in this, anything that steps out of my ‘politeness schemes’ I judge and criticize as lower/ inept/ rascal/ savage, without realizing that this is how I have had such an immediate judgmental behavior toward people while interacting in reality, due to how I have been conditioned to believe that polite people are ‘worthy’ and the opposite are ‘unworthy,’ in this

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize how politeness/ well mannered people is linked within my belief system to having enough money and in a certain social position that I have been taught is ‘more valuable’ than someone that is uneducated/impolite/ rascal/ savage according to the judgments that I learned as the way to denote someone that would probably not have enough money to be ‘well educated’ and in that, accepting the point of discriminating people according to the amount of money they would have, while absolutely neglecting and not even considering why on Earth such polarities even exist.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having regarded my parent’s imprinting onto myself as ‘good manners’ as something that I had to be grateful for, without realizing the actual belief system as elitism that I accepted and allowed to exist within me when linking good manners to ‘affluent people’ and bad manners/ impolite people to ‘lower class/ moneyless people’ and in that, creating a positive experience toward ‘fellow polite people’ and a negative experience toward ‘impolite people,’ as well as a neutral experience to people that I would perceive as expression-less within not being decidedly polite or impolite, which would be then linked to undefined within my schemes of human categorization according to education and money.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a sense of comfort and openness as an experience created upon interacting with someone that I perceive and profile as being ‘well educated/ polite’ within the identification of that which I was taught I should be like and aspire to become, which I accepted as a valuable aspect within human beings which lead me to create a positive experience within myself whenever I behave in a ‘polite manner,’ while creating the exact opposite as a negative experience as the immediate profiling of people that I perceive to be savage/ uneducated/ impolite, which I have accepted to discriminate/ judge in my mind while believing that I didn’t want anything to do with such people, creating the ultimate elitist experience based on manners.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘How I behave’ is who I really am.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still perpetuate the ‘ingrained values’ that I acquired at home, that I have kept due to them being seemingly ‘positive attributes’ within my personality, without realizing that it is in these ‘values’ that I have perpetuated the existence of good/ bad, positive and negative as well as neutral experiences toward people according to How I deem them to be within my polite/ impolite schemes, as the manners they present on face value when interacting with people in any given moment.

 

When and as I see myself categorizing someone as polite and creating a positive experience within me toward them, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am accessing my politeness-filter wherein I am valuing and regarding the people as ‘good’ and ‘benevolent’ based on the attitudes and manners that they present. Therefore I realize that I must treat every person equally regardless of how they ‘present’ themselves, as I realize that such manners are a survival-masquerade to remain as ‘worthy’/ ‘valuable’ within a system where money decides who is ‘worthy’ and who is not and seeing good manners as the direct consequences of having money to be well educated, in this creating a positive experience toward people with money.

 

When and as I see myself judging a person as being ‘impolite’/ presenting bad behavior such as ‘bad manners’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am accessing the politeness-personality wherein I am then adjusting my experience to be negative and derogatory toward such being for being seemingly ‘uneducated’ and a ‘rascal’ without considering at all that I am creating such separation based on the link that I’ve created in my mind as ‘bad manners = poor education’ as a symbol to represent lack of money/ being poor, which I have created and associated a negative experience toward.

 

I realize that with me stopping the polite/ impolite judgments toward myself and others, I stop perpetuating the current money system wherein rich/ wealthy creates a positive experience while poverty/ lack of money represents and creates a negative experience, as well as the non-expressive people that I have judged as ‘mediocre’ which are all values I have separated myself from in relation to the same values we have separated ourselves from life through/ as money.

More to come…

 

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2012: The Secrets of Competition

 

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