Tag Archives: beatnik

220. Drug Culture: Mad Society as a Lifestyle

Perfect Elitist Enslavement with a belief of Freedom.

A branch of the Elitist Character is being able to form/ mold/ shape your ‘personality’ with traits of Your Choice – lol – which is the choice that money is able to spare when you have your life essentially ‘solved’ to not be begging for money on the streets or working and actually ‘earning your money.’  I’m going to be writing about what came to be a mix of an elitist-intellectual-revolutionary/antagonist/libertine character that was mostly sought to be ‘lived’ within my life through and as this kind of fascination to become ‘acculturated’ in the drug scene. Yes, in common sense, a person that is barely able to make money to live cannot possibly suddenly be trying to be fascinated by the effects that chemicals create inside your body, trying to reach some form of bliss/ enlightenment with particular substances, read books and information about it, watch movies on the topic or just hold on a continuous habit of indulging in them, which obviously requires one to have More money than the required to Live in order to pay for pills/ drugs to make You Happy. This is depicted quite well in a book by Brett Easton Ellis Less than Zero.

 

I went to the supermarket yesterday and noticed three guys being quite excited about getting a bottle of Jack Daniels while overhearing one of them saying ‘this place should be run by someone like my dad,’ complaining about the ‘slowness’ of the service to get the bottle, which was barely a 3 minute wait. I could imagine/project or almost predict their entire evening with a bottle of Jack Daniels, most likely ending up puking it out on the toilet, feeling like shit the next day and going with a massive hangover to their top-elitist university nearby. Yes, this is a ubiquitous pattern nowadays, a ‘lifestyle,’  and no it is not criticizing or judging it, this is what we have become: once you have money to cover your basic needs, You SEEK for something more than surviving – because that is already covered.

 

So this is an aspect of the elitist character, because there are many other conditions that lead to drug consumption, which is also the opposite polarity of poverty, which you can read her Huffing makes me Forget My Tummy Aches” based on the street kids that sniff cement or glue in order to mitigate hunger – as well as the toxic paint Romanian kids would sniff in that documentary that I also recommend watching if you haven’ Children Underground. That’s another point to walk in itself, but what I’ll share is from the perspective/ side I got to live in and be most ‘acquainted’ with – so to speak.

 

Drug Culture

I made up a conclusion of why Black Metal/ Death Metal brewed mostly in Scandinavian countries – later on in a then flourishing/stable America – that have the best and most stable economy and general well-being, in which I created a hypothesis that because everything was just ‘too fine’ and ‘happy’ in their world, they had to create some form of opposition to balance out the dread of having everything being seemingly fine inside, but the hell inside was not sorted out, as well as becoming aware of the obvious disparity it is to live in a ‘First world’ like that and having wars, poverty, starvation, abuse in any other place in the world;  yes, it is enough to already label us all Mad people to not see the obvious polarized ‘nature’ we’ve accepted and allowed ourselves to be and become.  This is a similar point in our capitalist societies wherein we are absolutely living in a virtual world wherein things like Depression and Social Phobia have become a lifestyle – and I realize it’s not only a past-century thing, it’s always existed in humanity and the ‘crazy’ people were mostly out skirted in order to not cause any problems to the so-called healthy rest of the population – you can read that in ‘Stultifera Navis’ the First Chapter in Michel Foucault’s Madness and Civilization: A History of Insanity in the Age of Reason. (1988) wherein madness was certainly something that should be kept ‘away’ – nowadays, we’ve embraced it and called it a lifestyle fueled with designer drugs. Wow, really, wow. And why? Because Drugs = Addictions = Constant and Certain Profit Making = Lots of Money.

All of this is mixed into a cultural set of identification to a form of escapism due to how Alienated we’ve become from any form of actual understanding of how everything that enables life to be Lived is produced, what it is to work on our own sustenance. Instead we have focused on and then focusing on things that will give you a mental high in the comfort of your 4 walls room, which is how the majority of people are living as in this world.

I remember when going to the family doctor when I was a child, he would always have all these pens, notepads, rulers, sticks for your tongue and virtually everything plastic made around the area had names of medicines on them. I am sure you are quite aware of this and I questioned it at the time and my mother explained how the companies would give the doctors money/ commissions if they would sell a particular brand of medicine. I took it as normal since it was quite obvious that we were being sold many things all over the place, so it seemed when simply becoming aware of all the billboards on the streets and the suggestive ways in which to BUY our happiness, our health, our improvement, our sanity.

 

This morning I began hearing more than watching The Marketing of Madness  and I say I begun because I’ve barely gotten to the 3rd part out of 18, but as I was hearing, all this entire network of information was suddenly here for me to realize that I must now write about this. Why? I have had a strange fascination for drugs and madness and this goes as far as when I was a little girl and they would joke-threat me to take me to the Batán, which is/was the most well known mental hospital in a smaller city nearby where I lived. Why? I just liked playing crazy, it became a form of entertainment that’s for sure, it was something staged in order to attract people’s attention, well to freak out my parents and sisters mostly.  To me insane people were quite ‘free’ according to my schemes, which is what mostly fascinated me – why? Hell, All I know is that from the moment I got cable TV – as I’ve mentioned several times in the past, it was the ‘opening of myself to the world’ at the key-point age of 7 years old, I was more aware of the eccentricity of musicians and I would definitely always hear around the house how ‘artists take drugs / get high to look so careless/ free/ expressive’ which is what to everyone’s eyes would Justify their behavior as ‘careless’ = free.  Before that, just playing ‘crazy’ was something that could give me a thrill for doing something ‘out of the ordinary’ which I’ll open up in posts to come.

 

This is quite an extensive topic that I’ve been writing about here and there throughout this process, but it’s been not that long ago when I was busy with some other character that this entire insanity-point came up again, along with realizing the fascination I had with certain ‘alternative cultures’ based on what I grew up reading, watching on TV, learning from ‘artist’s biographies’ of how most of them had some form of insanity, drug addiction or plain disturbance, which is how I almost lead myself to touch upon those fields within a self-aware act of investigating madness and drugs, then defining all of this to be of my preference/likeness = self brainwashing. Why would that be? again, for the reason that I had the time, had the money to not be living only on survival mode and explore my own ‘personal fascinations’ for a while, enough time to now be able to write about everything that I saw, witness, tried out and have realized now when it comes to see how everything that I had thought to be quite a ‘rebellious act’ of the type of stuff that I was into/ that I liked, came to be just another polarity in the system that required my courageous fascination with things that I deemed as ‘forbidden’ in order to entertain myself further, leading me then into spirituality/ seeking god and wanting to mix both. I mean I was quite into researching DMT and Entheogens and all these ‘awakening’ procedures as well as the effects LSD had to ‘see beyond the veil’ and whatnot. My experimentation was not to get Lost or evade my reality, but to find some form of ‘divinity,’ lol this is the ultimate mindfuck that anyone can fall for in this world wherein you can buy anything you want, give it a meaning and call that a talisman for protection – same with drugs:  take it, feel good, realize that you re not ‘mad’ or ‘crazy’ but just an ‘Awakened’ person, yep and there you go: specialness + drugs + money + boredom = perfect slaves on drugs – or as Thom Yorke would write ‘a pig in a cage on antibiotics.’

 

Now, the personal endeavor to write about this is because I immediately noticed there were still reactions when hearing all these drug names, all the movies, books, relationships came to mind and I realized that I had not opened this point up mostly as a point of reservedness and morality according to how it would be seen as ‘insane’ to have some fascination for madness and drugs – both together were like a perfect cocktail for self-debauchery, that is quite ubiquitous in our current culture/ media, which is where I got it all from in the first place. Idolizing junkies is precisely not what I would want to continue perpetuating as a fluffy reaction within me – yes, there are feelings attached to this entire topic – why? That’s what I will find out as I continue writing here – a sense of freedom in a constrictive world? A sense of ‘limitless expression’?  As a result of writing out this, I experimented for sure that there are threads to be walked in order to stop keeping this fascination as part of my little-secrets to keep this bit of a world that I still wanted to be defined by, somehow, because of the entire participation in emotions and feeling when touching upon all things madness, drugs, eccentric behavior and the ‘inextricable human mind,’ which is part of my ability to now be quite thankful to Understand my Mind and be aware of how one can virtually pick any point of fascination according to what one is exposed to, and use it only as a constant point to re-fuel an energetic relationship toward it. This entire aspect is one of those parts of a personality that I became quite infatuated with while developing my emotional/ feeling body, so this is relevant, absolutely relevant to walk.

 

So, I’ll continue with going sharing part of the personal story and writing out Self Forgiveness, Self Corrective Statements and Realizations about such ‘fascinations’ as mere treats for the mind, which certainly must be stopped so that I expose the entire thing for what it is: just another way to entertain ourselves and pay for it while becoming ‘hooked on drugs’ which is virtually getting ‘hooked on Energy’ wherein the Mind is the only one that benefits.

 

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64. Talents

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my ‘talents’ as my greatest asset wherein all the value and worth that I gave to myself was linked to the ability to think and do things as a way to measure myself toward other beings.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the word ‘talent’ as a positive word, as something that adds up specialness to a being, wherein it I just acting/ living that which is of ease for me to act, direct, do without an effort – hence I can direct any talent as an action that I can express myself as with ease toward a best for all outcome, and not just for personal glorification or ‘value’ above other life forms.

 

I realize that the word talent in itself means ‘weight’ and ‘sum of money’ which are added values that make ourselves ‘more’ than others – apparently – yet they are in essence points of expression that if equalized as life, each one can develop to the benefit of the whole and stop using talents as a way to compete against each other and ‘win’ as a form of superiority/ inferiority separation toward others, and instead use such talents as the ‘natural skills’ in the best interest of all.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to link self-worth to ‘talents’ and ‘skills’ wherein all that I became was this set of attributes that I could use as a reference point to compare myself toward other beings and decide whether I stood ‘above’ or ‘below,’ which is how my entire stance was created as a sense of confidence stemming from this ‘value-assessment’ toward other beings, wherein words from beings toward everything I did/ say were stored as confirmations of ‘who I was’ and ‘how I was doing’ in my life, which were conveniently used to grow my ego and my perceived talents in order to confirm to  myself: ‘that’s the way to go, because everyone agrees with it!’ without ever doing an actual introspection in my life with regards to how things in the world worked wherein all value is actually fake and in separation of ourselves, moving in a system of money that is existent as debt- hence

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use the ‘vox populi’ as all the opinions and perspectives people had ‘upon me’ as a way to decide where I would be the most effective in my world, and assessing my future accordingly, without realizing that we as all individuals have been very lost in our world of values, directions and placing ourselves in unfortunate positions by our own ‘will’ which were choices based On the limitation that we created within ourselves as the inherent structure we are born with/ as, as the entire configuration of a world wherein life has never been valued but only ‘what you do’ to maintain the system of absolute abuse and disregard toward life in place.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever become so worried about ‘who and what I will become’ in my life when having to decide about the future as careers and life-choices without realizing that none of those ‘choices’ were in fact self-supportive as nothing of what currently exists in this world is directed to the benefit of all life in Equality as long as money dictates ‘who we are’ in our world. This means that as long as value is separate from ourselves as life, anything we do will be linked to perpetuating the same system of fake values in separation of ourselves as Equals – as I realize that only through first walking the process to Equalize myself can I remove the conditions I had imposed onto myself to start considering that we all have to become equal participants in taking responsibility of this world wherein through changing the way the system operates, we will be able to provide actual options of LIFE and self-development with activities and professions that are linked to be part of the creative processes to the best way of living as Equals, which is not at all considered in any profession or specialized field/area currently in our world.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself some ‘choices’ in life wherein I literally stood within the point of ‘the world is fucked, there is nothing else to do it, where can I be the least influenced ‘by the system’ while being in it?’ – hence using art and the art-profession as a way to ‘escape’ from reality yet still foreseeing to make ‘good money’ out of it, which was all placed as dreams and ideals that were essentially fallacies that I bought and created for myself in order to avoid taking actual Self-Responsibility for myself and this world in its entirety.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use even dead as an excuse to not take responsibility for this world wherein I used o think ‘well, we’re going to die anyways so, what’s the worst thing I could choose to be/ become?’ – and using death thus as an excuse to continue seeing this world as having no remedy, being ‘hopeless’ about the entire panorama in in that, mostly abiding to the ideal ‘end times’ so that I didn’t have to even worry about developing myself properly with a certain profession/ position in the world, but only caring about my personal ‘spiritual’ salvation, which I really used to wreck my own life based on beliefs and hypothetical imminent events wherein it would all end, and still is a point that I walk through in order to not feel like all of this is not sustainable and will have to be obliterated in order to have life restored back to itself, which is not acceptable as in the meantime while I just think, there is actual suffering in the world created by my own aloofness toward reality.

 

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to misunderstand the point of ‘giving up’ my ego and personality as in giving up/ stopping participating in such ‘talents’ that even if they were preprogrammed, in no way does it mean that I have to now not participate in them at all, this is about WHO I am within everything that I do which means that I simply have to stop identifying myself as only being such talents and instead, allow myself to express myself through/ as such ‘talents’ without holding a relationship of value/worth toward them as a point of specialness

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold backchat toward beings in my past wherein I would think ‘they clearly have no sex, thus their mind and intelligence is all they have to brag about to feel better about themselves’ and in this, seeing that either being an intellectual devotee or a lover or a religious follower, they would all compensate one ‘realm’ of their reality not being ‘fulfilled’ with the exacerbation of one of their talents, without realizing that I was obviously doing the same wherein all I ever sought to be was an intellectual that would gather all this information, creating a relationship to this information and with this, cover up my inability to establish relationships that were supportive and any other self-agreement of self-support to first value myself as the life that I am here to be and become.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to compensate my perceived lack of personal-charm to establish proper relationships and use knowledge and information as the entire ‘intellectual personality’ to cover up for my other perceived ‘lacks’ or ‘flaws’ within my personal life, wherein I had accepted myself to become a hopeless romantic/ intellectual that could only philosophize about life and create more conundrums through art as if Life was this eternal mystery unsolved to me.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to justify any ‘detachment’ from people – a.k.a. isolation, ostracizing – as part of the personalities I created as a ‘thinker’ or ‘artist’ or ‘creative’ believing/ talking myself into the perceived ‘misunderstanding’ that I thought people in my world would see me as, which only fueled this perceived idea of me being ‘special’ and with this ‘something’ that I Hoped to develop in the future, believing that I would be something ‘great’ and ‘marvelous’ lol yet I never directed myself to place such ‘talents’ up front ‘on the table’ so to speak to see how I could direct myself with such ‘talents’ within the world, but I instead hoped and wished that something / someone would knock on my door and offer me this great position wherein I could satisfy my expectations, just because of believing myself to be this special being that could do well in ‘anything I wanted,’ which was fueled by what parents/ teachers/ people in my world would also talk about, which is to the utmost detriment of the being in question as it is only an air-based/ words-not-lived based expectation of another, built up with values and ideas of the same system that in no way considers what’s best for all life, but only what makes the most money/ what pumps the ego the most/ what creates further specialness as a point of separation from the whole, which is not acceptable at all.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to place my entire life depending on these ‘talents’ as knowledge and information consumed as ‘value’ in itself, wherein the more I would nurture myself within this intellectualized personality = the more I would ‘worth’ myself within the social-standards, creating this superiority position toward others, often engaging in intellectual debates just for the sake of ‘voicing myself’ and ‘making myself heard’ with No practical solutions or conclusions, but only adding up the cherry on top of the verbal diarrheic intellectual chats and endless coffee shop hours on philosophizing about life, politics, economics and judging others within such positions that I used to participate in.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever take the position of the ‘hopeless dreamer’ as ‘the artist’ that was ‘misunderstood’ and that had no relationship to anything else but brushes and paints and fellow ‘dead artists’ that I would read about in order to feel ‘understood,’ without realizing that I had not even established a proper self-relationship toward myself to see ‘who I am’ in relation to these talents first, if they were really talents or just personal fascinations that became a ‘way out’ of facing myself?

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately ‘choose’ an inclination of ‘who I wanted to become’ in life in a position wherein my looks would not matter that much, wherein I would not have to ‘deal’ with many people, and where I could just hide in some remote space for a long time and ‘disconnect myself from the world’ – which were the usual beatnik type of dreams of seclusion wherein I could just write and create artworks and music and only come out to ‘show it to the world’ after some time, which is one of the ‘dreams’ that I had wherein my then Zen enthusiasm and artistic endeavors filled my being with ‘hope’ and mostly illusion that I could in any way, change the world through my creations.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold dreams of detaching from reality, from everything and everyone not realizing that it is the same as desiring to be Dead as Nothing in this world exists in such ‘detachment’ of each other, otherwise my own body would not be able to function and continue existing, which is applied to the rest of this world existent in interdependent relationships toward one another.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have given up being able to do anything about this world back in the day wherein the ‘choice’ of what and who I wanted to be and do with my life, which was not an actual choice of me seeing myself as capable and able to support myself and stand as an example of change in my world, but only choose that which was ‘the least worst thing to do’ according to the values I placed in the world in separation of myself as a whole, stemming from feeling frustrated and ‘hopeless’ about reality and thinking ‘there is nothing I can do’ which is one of the primary reasons why I chose to become a ‘professional’ in ‘arts’ – according to the ideas and stereotypes of artists I knew at that moment – as a way to further develop this desire to detach from reality and lead ‘humanity to the spiritual world’ – lol I wrote ‘spitual’ –

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to then judge my creations as mindfucked infatuations, without realizing that they were just part of that time in my life and that I can continue creating without me defining myself according to what I create or created in the past, as I can give myself this moment here to express myself as what I exist as in any given moment, without having to create a special point of definition of ‘who I am’ toward that.

 

I realize that I have now stopped most of ‘creative processes’ because of having judged them as a point that I used to escape from my reality, yet I can use them again and turn them/ direct them as self-supportive creations that I can use as another way to present myself as my process, which means that it’s not only ‘myself’ that I’m working on, but I can do other works and creations that stem from such self-understanding that I am walking at the moment in this process.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play out my ‘extremist’ personality wherein I tend to just ‘give up’ something and not look at it again based on having realized the initial/ starting point reason for me to create, and completely ‘detach’ myself from it which is separation – hence it is not to deny my abilities and capabilities of doing something or talking about certain topics, it is about Who I Am in every moment that I participate in creating, communicating with others and within this, establishing myself as equal in all aspects of my reality, not dividing them as ‘the old me’ and the ‘new me’ as that is separation as well – it is about in every moment seeing how I can direct any point in Self-Honesty and considering what’s best for all, which is definitely able to be done and walked as an integral part of self.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people according to how they would speak about their talents and specialness and within this, take such judgment back to self wherein I make sure I stop existing in any form of separation toward anything I do, say, write, share as creation so that I am no longer participating in a system of specialness – but instead become part of the creation of a system wherein all human beings can equally contribute with their talents as a point that is of ease for each to express-themselves as, aiming to contribute to the best interest of all in Equality.

 

I commit myself to asses what I am ‘good at’ as ‘talents’ that I can direct myself to establish myself as an example of how such talents can be used in a beneficial way that entails the betterment of all in Equality.

 

I commit myself to stop any perceived form of ‘being better than others’ in anything I do, but instead, simply use what I can do, what I enjoy expressing myself-as in consideration of that which can support another being to see themselves in and through my words, my creations, my expression in any way which is in the end what we do in this process: reflecting back to each other points that we probably have not considered of ourselves before.

 

I commit myself to re-integrate myself to my perceived detachment and separation from anything I had deemed as ‘talent’s wherein I simply stopped altogether creating separation instead of integrating them as who I am in a way that I ensure that my actions are directed to create a best for all outcome, which is then a way to share/ show to others how each one of us can contribute with their own talents to make of this world a better place, in actual physical reality and not in a dream-like manner.

 

I commit myself to equalize all values as Life as that is the only real value that exists wherein all talents, all activities, all forms of expression are then aligned to creating/ recreating and propagating this new ‘meaning’ of living and expression linked to Life itself for the first time, in a system that would value everything else in separation of itself as Life itself, which is already a revolutionary aspect that has not been considered – mostly taken for granted – before.

 

I commit myself to stop all separation within me as ‘who I am’ and ‘what I do’ is one and equal and must not be assessed and appraised according to the fake-values currently existing in our word, but I make sure that I establish equality as myself as this is the only way that I can ensure I become an effective participant in the Equal Money System where the only value is life, where everything we do is equally ‘remunerated’ as that ability to give and receive in equality.

 

I commit myself to walk my own process of equalizing myself as my talents, and later on be able to share with others how to do the same with themselves, as this is a very cool and key factor that we all as individuals can take on and truly create a new world wherein everyone enjoys what they’re doing/ expressing themselves as, while supporting to create a world that is best for all.

 

For more support on deciding what to do with your life, share at the Desteni Forum  and read all the Journey to Life blogs wherein we are all committed to become examples of what Living Life is in a world where Money will no longer dictate ‘who we are’  – but equalizing All as Life as the only way to start creating a New World beginning with ourselves

 

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Day 46: Free Choice Godhood

 

“For those who believe in God, most of the big questions are answered. But for those of us who can’t readily accept the God formula, the big answers don’t remain stone-written. We adjust to new conditions and discoveries. We are pliable. Love need not be a command nor faith a dictum. I am my own god. We are here to unlearn the teachings of the church, state, and our educational system. We are here to drink beer. We are here to kill war. We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that Death will tremble to take us.”
― Charles Bukowski

 

I read some of Bukowski’s books in the past and had a great time identifying with the type of cynicism that would point out: everything is fucked, live fast and die young, enjoy life to its utmost degree of ‘fuck it all’ type of view upon my own existence. Oh man, did I get myself into my own conundrum when such self-created highs and lows started wearing out as fast as they emerged – dissatisfaction reigned over and I saw myself once again pondering about ‘God’ and this existence. Luckily enough, I found Desteni at the time right before I was about to get my ass-sent into some real lightworking behaviors that I would have most likely regretted in my life. I stopped myself before going deep into the rabbit hole, I cut all habits that kept me in such ‘li(e)fstyle’ and gave myself the opportunity to find out what it was to really live.

 

I found this quote in a series of comments within a picture that denotes that our educational system is a fraud, as it only creates suitable conditions to ‘succeed’ for those that have the inherent physical skills/abilities to do so, which means that we have accepted a mono-tone educational system that is mostly designed to segregate those that ‘do not fit in the profile’ of  ‘making it’ in the system, as being the type of obedient servant that will do anything to obtain the ever elusive dream-like lifestyle where wealth is the god at the end of the hard long road through hell, which means: walking our current reality as the system we have spawned here.

 

In the past I would have mostly agreed with Bukowski’s quote whole-heartedly as it ‘makes sense’ and does have a cool input in terms of reality/ world systems and pondering where is ‘life’ in that. However the intention and resolution for what’s being realized/ observed is directed toward ‘live well (read: hedonism), drink, have a good time, laugh, be pliable and wait till you die’ and this is then from the belief  that we as human beings have any ‘say’ upon ‘who we are’ and what we decide to live and do. This is reinforced and stated clearly as ‘I am my own god’ which is certainly a statement that can only be made at a mind level in the afore mentioned terms of perceived ‘free choice’ as living a life of positive-experiences and pleasures. Such godly statement requires a lot more understanding than the rightful act to ‘do as you please’ in the name of ‘free will’ and ‘free choice’ which are the greatest human-made scam-concepts directed to create a righteousness that stands on the feet of any form of humbleness to realize: we have never in fact lived – therefore we’ve never had any form of actual free choice, we have only been the outflow and consequence of a primordial abdication of life to an energetic system that we’ve dubbed as ‘living.’

From here: how can any form of ‘Free Choice’ and ‘Free Will’ exist? It can’t – all our choices are ‘damned’ from the very moment that we as a whole went in for a ‘ride’ to see ‘what it would be/feel like’ to experience something’ = to ‘live’ a surrogate experience as ‘living’  instead of wholeness of/as  life, as who we really are.

 

I am aware that this eternal longing/ yearning to ‘return to the whole’ has been a constant topic in various artistic/ literature/ sociological subjects – however, all attempts to ‘get back to the whole’  have been conducted through more knowledge and information in the form of self-indulgent philosophies, religions, practices, art statements, anthropological/ scientific postulates – yet,  never ever walked as a process of Self-Forgiveness wherein knowledge and information is but a tool to recognize the point  of separation, but never the answer.

 

Through Self Forgiveness we recognize our direct responsibility to the fuckup of creation that we have spawned as a consequence of the primordial separation that is and has become ‘all we’ve ever known.’ For that, I suggest reading the following blog from Day 1: Heaven’s Journey to Life.

 

We are in a crossroads point in reality wherein the only ‘choice’ that is possible is: stand up and dedicate yourself to Life/ living and becoming part of a new world that is willing to consider, respect, honor each other and every single life form as one and equal – or remain as a finite energetic system that is only pursuing happiness through ‘being your own god’ and having a good time until death comes and everything is simply gone without having ever lived. The choice seems quite obvious to me – yet reality proves that not many are willing to commit themselves to live in a world of equals.

 

I’ve chosen Life – however it has nothing to do with ‘having a good time’ – it’s actually quite the opposite in terms of stopping any feel-good experience for the mind. It is stopping the mind as in stopping myself from being a single organic robot that is constantly bouncing from highs and lows in life, being a perpetual addict for energy, which is using the Earth’s life, transforming it into energy that we give different names/ categories as experiences through accepting emotions, feelings, ideas, beliefs, and perceptions as ‘who I am.’ Now, I have realized all of the above is everything that I am not – meaning: everything that I had deemed as part of ‘my own control’ upon my so-called ‘life’ – which includes having ‘chosen’ and made ‘decisions’ on who/what/how/ with whom/ where I want to experience myself in – have only been a consequential outflow that has always been dictated by the condition we all emerged from– and this is not only in terms of family/ society/ current world system – but seen from the initial existential emergence as who/ what we are now, which is only the manifested consequence of separation.

 

 

That ‘One Choice’ was subordinating our wholeness to an energetic system of perpetual enslavement – and for that, all that has been considered as ‘godly’ in the earthly realms of a hedonist lifestyle, must be debunked and exposed for the false-creation of ‘freedom’ as one of the pivotal points that encouraged a desensitized society that couldn’t care-less about reality other than satisfying one’s own idea of life, which has nothing to do with an actual living reality that is simply here, self breathing oxygen, nurturing our physical body and learning how to walk through directing ourselves as our own two feet – it does get that ‘simple’ in terms of having always only taken our mind for a ride, but never our body – and in that, we learn how to start walking on our own two feet while developing awareness of our physical body as we do so. This can be both literal and metaphorically speaking – however I am speaking in the more literal sense here.

 

The ‘path’ of self forgiveness may seem of absolute asceticism for many from the perspective of not indulging in the usual earthly desires and fixes that the majority of the population with  enough money can afford  – be it drugs, food/drinks, sex, entertainment, spirituality, religions, clubs and any other form of evasion of reality that can be bought in this world. Learning how to live means that we start regarding what it is to stop being a single factotum to the mind.  I can say that I’ve never been so ‘whole’ in my life-experience, not having this constant ‘urge’ to go outside and ‘seek something’ anything and all that could allow me to not ‘be here’ with myself, facing the who I am. And this process is explained in great and supportive detail within the interview The Split between two words. The choice then becomes more evident as one proves the ability to live in simplicity rather than being a constant bundle of joy, sadness, madness, anger, depression and suppression.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I ever had ‘free choice’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that free choice was about ‘doing as I please’ and choosing to live ‘my way’ based on preferences, ideals, beliefs that I had accepted as ‘who I am’ as a mind system that only sought its own replenishment as an energetic machine that requires to be constantly fed in the name of personal satisfaction as the ‘idea of self,’ but never considering Life in Equality as who I am.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spite life in the name of ‘free choice’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to justify my free choice through intellectualizing reality and believing that ‘I was free to choose what’s best for me,’ without realizing that I had not even in fact understood myself, who I am and what I am doing here – hence all specs of ‘certainty’ could only exist as the certainty of who I am as energy/ mind an idea that has established definitive ways to constantly feed itself/ replenish itself without ever actually considering Life in that equation as who/what I am.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself toe ever believe myself to have made ‘the right choices’ in my life in order to ‘escape the system,’ through using art as a way to sublimate (separate) myself from my reality, which I am now taking the directive principle to reintegrate back to myself as the physical body that I ignored while trying to be something ‘more’ than myself as a physical body that breaths, eats, shits, exists and interacts with everything else in relationships that must now be equalized/ walked in a self-directive principle of equality.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that my choice was ‘to not believe in God’ and give-up ‘God’ to become ‘my own God’ as a way to exert what I deemed was my ‘free choice’ and ‘free will’ which can only mean: doing everything that will please my ego/ senses and neglect the actual life that allows such pleasures to exist. This means that

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use ‘Free Choice’ as an excuse to split myself between serving two gods: the mind and its pleasures and an apparent respect for life through deeming this ‘free choice’ as any form of ‘liberation,’ without ever realizing or considering that all my choices were damned from the get go, and that any ideal of freedom based on experiences, was only me reinforcing the initial separation and enslavement of who I am as a single experience that seeks for ‘more’ once that the effect runs out.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could ever be free through creating an ‘alternate path’ within wanting to be ‘outside of the system’ and ‘contradicting the system’ as the mainstream popular culture and opposing political regimes and creating alternate versions of ‘freedom’ through self-sustainable living, which was only caring about my own life/ my own experience instead of ever considering myself as the whole that had to create a solution for the whole and based on practical living reality, which implies that No Solution can be created upon the current monetary system that is standing as the image and likeness of that primordial choice of living in separation of ourselves as one and equal, and denigrated life into an energetic system that seeks to constantly add-up onto itself to generate an apparent ‘moreness’ of self through experiences, which is and has become our very doom of civilization – see-evil-I-zation wherein the actual evil nature as the effect and consequence of our separation has been made ‘acceptable’ as attitudes, preferences, likes, opinions, beliefs that stand against what’s best for all life – yet we’ve neglected this because: it makes us feel good – in this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate life to a single ‘feel good experience’ that comes and goes and call that ‘free choice,’ while taking the vantage and conceited attitude of being ‘my own god’ by ‘following my own rules,’ without ever questioning who/ what was actually dictating me to seek pleasure, satisfaction, happiness, joy and all the ‘good positive things,’ and what is it that I was actually creating and generating within myself and this entire world system while doing so, which implies that I gave up my ability to Live in/ as oneness and equality as real-Life, and became only a surrogate experience of energetic symptoms that sought to be alleviated by creating further chemical reactions and experiences = adding fuel to the ongoing fire that had emerged from one single spark of friction as the initial/ primordial separation of who I am as one and equal.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘my choice to live’ was based on opposing the system and instead, ‘opting’ to live a life of seeking my own satisfaction as what I believed were my intentions/ desire as  dreams, hopes and illusions that I could accumulate throughout my lifetime in order to be able to say ‘I have lived’ and ‘I have made the ‘right’ choices in life’ – deeming ‘right’ as opposing the system through an ‘alternative lifestyle’ that I would then seek to obtain benefits from, as we realize that no one can really be ‘out of the system.’ Yet, vaingloriously proclaim that ‘we do oppose the system/ regime.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that free choice was the ability to laugh at weakness/ the ability to laugh at our own human-oddity and absurdity, which I accepted as a ‘way of living’ wherein I could create an alternate version of reality in my mind wherein I could always have a good laugh about reality, write about, gossip about it with others in order to continue to satisfy our believed ‘alternate living’ as ‘free choice,’ which I used as a way to ‘empower’ myself and see me ‘above others’ that I deemed as ‘less aware’ of what was going on in the world, without realizing that such apparent ‘opting out of the system’ through an ‘alternative lifestyle’ was only a tantrum and conceited ignorant rebellious act as I was never in fact aware of what we have been as humanity, as creation and taking into consideration all of the outflows that such separation would entail –  thus

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify ‘free choice’ with knowledge and information that suited my own configuration/ personality as preferences and opinions that I deemed to be ‘correct’  – obviously, as we are all ‘gods’ in our own heads always thinking that we are always right and everyone else is just ‘deluded’ and ‘ignorant,’ without ever pondering: why don’t I then walk a process to support others to see what I see? And instead justifying my inaction and deliberate separation through thinking that ‘there is no solution now, we can all just consume, extract the most of it all to ‘be happy’ and die’ which has become a usual statement/ declaration of ‘free choice’ in the world, while neglecting the actual facts of what allows such exertion of ‘free will’ wherein all that is consumed is life and all that has been supported was systems of energy/ separation of who we are as the mind – but never life in/of equality and oneness.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘I choose to live the life of a rebel’ without realizing that in such decision I was simply declaring a perpetual war against myself only, as energy is all that’s created from any form of conflict – hence all that I cared for was replenishing me as energy/mind/ ego personality, without having cared to actually investigate how this world-system functions and  how instead of declaring war against it as a personality-choice, seeing how I could practically become a participant in the system in order to change it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take proud on any form of free choice that ignored the entirety of this world system that exists under the siege of capitalism as a system that ensures that everyone ‘seeks their dreams’ as all those dreams entail supporting the same machinery that generates money of which only a few can get the most benefits of/ from.

 

I forgive myself that I ever claimed to be ‘my own god’ without even being aware of what breathing does within my physical body, without being aware of every single movement that I make, of every single thought that goes through my head, of every single reaction that I exert as my own creation as a being that has only regarded itself according to being a thinking mind – but never an actual living-being.

I realize, see and understand that ‘being god’ would imply being aware of self as one and equal here, as the totality of ourselves from the very beginning to the very end of who/what we are, which implies that any godly statements have only served as a way to proclaim that I had ‘free choice’ in life, while neglecting the actual physical reality that is here and that I have little to no clue on how it actually operates.

 

I commit myself to expose free choice as the actual abuse of life in the name of personal interest wherein everything else is simply neglected, deliberately ignored because when existing in such free-choice righteousness, we can only seek to perpetuate our own free-choice as righteousness without questioning ‘too much’ as the mind does not like to reveal itself as the actual-nature of having to be consuming/ depleting/ extracting and sucking dry life in order to continue existing – which is and would be the ‘raw’ truth that is required to explain in order to realize how we are currently the real ‘gods’ in this reality that are causing the current problems in reality of absolute extermination and depletion of life-substances as the Earth’s resources that we live and thrive on.

 

I commit myself to stop any form of idea of having ‘free choice’ within myself, my life as this has never been my ‘real’ self as one an equal, nor has it been a ‘real life’ but only surviving as a constant system that seeks its own satisfaction. I then stop all forms of seeking this constant satisfaction through experiences, as I see and realize that all choices made from that apparent righteousness can only derive into further separation, further obsession, further enslavement of who I am as mind, as energy.

 

I commit myself to expose how the world is in reverse and everything that we had deemed as ‘our freedom’ has actually been our own ‘doom’ and demise, therefore explaining and proving how it is only through stopping ourselves from being deliberate energy-seeking drones that we can truly begin to see what living actually is, which entails no conflict, inner friction, fear or any other form of detrimental experience as there can be no experience when being here as life, breathing, living, directing self in and as equality and oneness.

 

I commit myself to expose the lies that we have bought as ‘living’ and ‘free choice’ as the arrogant instrument with which we have justified the spitefulness and abuse toward life as a way of being ‘righteous’ while accepting and allowing the current state of the world ‘as is’ without ever pondering who we are as active participants within it.

 

I commit myself to believe that I have any right to ‘my free choice’ and realizing every time that I ‘think’ of having ‘free choice,’ asking myself If my organs have any free choice to decide not to ‘work’ today, or take themselves for a fleeting ride for a moment – which implies that I have only been considering an energetic limitation as ‘who I am,’ instead of standing one and equal as the physical that certainly doesn’t require any ‘free choice’ to exist, as it only Is, lives and expresses as an equal part of the great organism that is this ecosystem, thus

 

I commit myself to support and become part of the creation of a world in Equality wherein my choices are only what’s best for all and that everything that I do, say, think is based on exerting the will of life and never more serving the god of energy of power/ greed/ desire for money as a way to ‘be free’ in reality, as no one is and will be free unless ALL beings are living free within an Equal Money System wherein Life will be finally respected, honored and acknowledged as an expression and not a choice.

 

“I commit myself to show, how – giving up ‘Choice’ as ‘Free Choice’, as the process of stopping Consciousness/Mind/Energy-Authority and becoming an equal and one living being as Living Words in and as and with the human physical body, and eventually this physical-existence in and as standing as The Decision for and as Life: is the process of giving up one’s enslavement as Consciousness/Mind/Energy, is the process of giving up one’s enslavement to Fear/Fear of Loss, is the process of giving up the One Choice that has eternally damned/enslaved self and all as self within and as existence – and is thus, in this – the process of gifting self, and eventually all Freedom within the context of in fact living in absolute equality and oneness with self as all, and in fact manifest Heaven on Earth as ourselves.” Sunette Spies [*]

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Reptilians – The Split between two Worlds – Part 45


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