Tag Archives: becoming emotional

511. Taming Emotions

Or what I observed about myself in a recent dream and how it relates to our possibility stand up in worst case scenarios

I had an interesting dream a few days ago that I find relevant to share because it speaks about my own relationship to emotions and specially fears that were represented quite well in my dream and who I was able to stand as in the dream, which was quite a surprising thing for myself and it relates very much to how I’ve been seeing myself quite stable and grounded regardless of some drastic changes in my life.

I was in a place where there were goats, like a mix of ox-goats because they were very strong and bulky, they were very unsettled and all over the place looking to simply ‘attack’ according to how I saw them – and immediately upon seeing myself in that situation, I got scared and feared that one of them would incrust its horns on my body and I’d end up dead on the spot. This actually happened immediately, what happened next is that the ox-goat was holding me with its horns against the wall and hurting me, yet when seeing myself in this situation – which dare I say for a dream is a ‘worst case scenario’ for sure – I made a decision to not give into panic and desperation, but rather do all that I could to soften up the situation, to slow down within myself and so with the animal.

I actually decided to connect with the ox-goat and aim to tranquilize him, to calm him down and so when he had me ‘pinned’ against the wall I embraced the goat/ox and started to quiet myself inside my mind and focused on breathing deeply until I was essentially still within myself. I interpret it as me going into the depth of myself, that part that is always here, as us, that part that is physical and stable, here, grounded and to my surprise it worked, which caused a little excitedness but I knew this could ‘wake him up again’ so I kept focusing on the stability, the breathing and holding the ‘beast’ as equal to myself, in that physicality and stability.

At the same time upon seeing the results, I knew that at the very least emotional ‘upheaval’ within me or attempt to let go out of fear, it could go back into the previous state wherein he was quite accelerated and literally all over the place wanting to hurt anyone he could. I was assessing this in that moment of being calm and embracing, yet I knew that then my ‘staying in physical stability’ and such calm and focusing on my breathing would have been also ‘fake’ if I was only doing it out of fear of ‘disturbing the beast again’ or only as a way to ‘save myself.’

So I had to correct my starting point again and continue breathing with it, embracing it, and being stable together and that’s all I can remember of that dream but I really liked the solution that I applied even in that very ‘worst case scenario’ of being wounded myself by its horns and I could also see the ox/goat wounded at the same time and instead of fearing, crying or just waiting to surrender to ‘my outcome,’ I decided to calm myself down and in doing so also get to calm the animal down and my intent was to show him he didn’t have to be all over the place, he could be at ease and peace within, which I had to stand as in equality to demonstrate it.

It was very cool indeed because as with any dreams, it’s not like they are just ‘made up’ things by our minds but currently dreams represent deep aspects about ourselves wherein we can actually apply our corrections, our processes of standing up even in situations that might seem ‘out of control’. Surely, maybe in real life this wouldn’t be possible and I would have been killed on the spot, lol, but what matters for the sake of the dream and my self-reflection is the decision I made right there to support myself and the animal as well to breathe, to be here, to be fully present, to get to our core and essence of both being physical and being able to recognize each other as equals, to not continue in the emotional upheaval or ‘fighting’ and ‘harming.’

This is quite a cool solution for myself wherein I can make sure that whenever I see myself going into emotions and be ‘all over the place’ I can decide to stop the inner-fight, the inner-conflict and simply embrace myself, remind myself of the core and physicality I am that is not of conflict, not of emotions, not of ‘fighting’ but where we can exist in a genuine stability as a way to support ourselves to calm down and essentially stop harming ourselves, because emotions do have a damaging effect on the body and it’s not cool at all to keep ‘rewinding’ our mind-cassettes that pump our emotions – or feelings – and eventually end getting us into a situation of self-harm, of self-disrespect, of dishonor, of pain, of sorrow, of hatred, of violence towards oneself or others – we definitely have to get out of that loop and instead learn to tranquilize ourselves, calm ourselves down, slow down and realize that just like in the dream, if one keeps ‘at it’ in our minds, generating emotions or feelings, causing continuous inner conflict, we’ll end up screwing ourselves, our lives, our bodies and our minds even more. There’s nothing ‘good’ that’s ever going to come out by acting out with emotions.

So I find it interesting that I had to see this in a more physical way and how I was hurting myself and what I had to do to precisely stop myself from getting wounded, and this dream came after a moment where I was becoming angry and in an experience of irritation for a situation I have created in my life, which I noticed was not the right way to follow through with and that I had to stop and take responsibility for my reactions, because nothing good was going to come out of it. This dream also came in the night after I wrote out the blog 506. From Despair to a Constructive Aftermath

where I wrote out and created a resolution for myself to not be ‘destructive’ against myself or others in the aftermath of a situation, but learn from it and change.

In a way here also to look at the name I’ve given to the animal as ‘the beast’ and how a beast is actually a physical being, have no mind as we do yet have instincts that are defined by survival, hence defense mechanisms, so upon showing that I meant no harm, I wasn’t playing out the ‘counter part’ to its reason to be exalted and all over the place, which then assists the other – the beast in this case – to calm down as well.

This is a cool confirmation for me, a genuine decision to stand up even in such situations and focus on the physical, literally, holding that ‘beast’ which I can see as my own emotional reactions and breathe with it, stabilize myself with it and prevent harm and further abuse within myself and toward others.

Breathing, stabilizing, calming oneself down are points we usually ‘forget’ about when we justify our emotions, but this image of myself being tackled by the ox can serve as a reminder for me to realize what I am doing to myself when being ‘all over the place’ with emotions or in an inner-conflict and instead, breathe, embrace my physicality, slow down and live words that are supportive for the moment.  

Thanks for reading and keep an eye on your dreams!

 

Hiding in my Sleep

 

Join us in our process of Individuals standing as Equals as LIFE


396. I Think, therefore I Assume

ASSumptions and Self Trust

I realized how in one single moment where I trust my mind and assumptions made in my mind in one single moment of reaction where I jumped into conclusions,  ‘linking the dots’ to assume about another’s’ words/actions, I in that moment actually miss my point of self-trust and instead go into trusting my mind. How many times have I heard: do not trust your mind which means, to not trust any form of reaction, emotion, thought that I am not directly seeing for its full implication such as:

Who am I the moment that I am assuming this point about another? Who am I within ASSuming?

Because it’s really not about another here, it’s about myself being working in my mind in such assumption-mode which is something I had taken for granted actually so it is also cool that this point emerged in such a ‘straight’ manner, where I am able to actually see how I created a rift within a relationship, but more so within myself as in that moment I was not fully here considering all the implications of me thinking/assuming about others which is then part of how we concoct conflicts ‘about others’ but really is only a conflict I create in my mind based on also an accumulation of other assumptions that I also deemed as ‘unimportant,’ not considering the accumulation that takes place when I went assuming things and instead of confronting them with the person, the point then emerged as an automated assumption to fulfill my previous ideas/beliefs about what was going on with others’ lives.

This is also a very pertinent point as I could notice it created the kind of ‘hangover’ I hadn’t experienced in a long time, when you know that you did something that could have had further consequences that I didn’t measure when jumping into these series of thoughts and so, it is also to debunk the ‘perfect world’ that I also have in my head about my relationships with others, and to realize how careful and utmost attention I require to exist as in every moment to Not judge, not go into assumption, not ‘draw conclusions’ based on what I believe/think/perceive about others.

From making such mistake and going into feeling ‘bad’ or ‘guilty’ I would only trap myself in yet another emotion to cloud the actual point to learn here and to take self responsibility for, which is how to be able to stop assumptions that stem from a moment of ‘linking the dots’ according to what in I decided ‘made sense’ based on previous points where I also assumed points about another. So, if anything what I am here to develop is self-trust in a new dimension I hadn’t considered before: being able to trust myself to be Here as breath in every moment to be very aware of any minor reaction but mostly Assumption that’s the key word here as that’s where one draws conclusions without physical proof that things are the way I am ASSuming they are/happened.

 

 

assume
n    verb
1    accept as true without proof.
2    take (responsibility or control).
3    begin to have (a quality, appearance, or extent). Adopt falsely.

 

So there’s a few points to self-forgive here:

1. Not being here in the moment when I quickly jumped into conclusions and assuming something about others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume which is to accept a thought, a reaction, an experience within me as ‘true’ and as such trust my thoughts, my reactions, my experience instead of being fully present here and able to assess every single thought that I accept and allow to exist within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make of ‘assumption’ which is a rather unfortunately common way to quickly draw conclusions and ‘make up my mind’ about something/someone without actually proving it myself, gathering the actual information, cross referencing it, communicating with the person or in the situation I am creating any form of assumption about and as such I realize that assuming is nothing else but a fancy way to name lying/lies wherein I accept myself to concoct and fabricate a lie to myself in order to prove other lies to me which I have also created/drawn about something/someone

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever FEEL certain about ‘my assumptions’ and within this not realizing that I am placing trust into my thoughts, my Feelings, my emotions, my mind instead of first actually Stopping and looking at what am I actually doing to myself when I assume or rather create/fabricate ideas/beliefs/perceptions about something/someone  which are in essence lies in order to prove a point that I have ‘assumed’ about something/someone – which doesn’t make sense as I am relying on a self-concocted lie to then make myself ‘right’ about what I had actually also created as a judgment, a belief, a perception about something or someone previously – which means: it was all a lie that I actually made myself believe as true without measuring the consequences of how I in fact was affecting my relationship with another without openly talking about it.

 

  • 2. Not realizing that it wasn’t about me ‘not trusting’ another but rather me trusting my mind and my assumptions based on what I also had been accumulating as other assumptions which I didn’t really confront and communicated directly with the person I was assuming things about – therefore missing out the essential point of living the word frankness and being direct when it comes to rather communicating about something instead of leaving points accumulate within me as Assumptions that I didn’t communicate, which then caused me to easily jump into conclusions based on previous moments where I also jumped into conclusions/assumed and thus considered that I could not trust someone any longer.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to jump into conclusions and assume about the reason behind another’s actions based on what I had also assumed about others’ lives/actions/words which implies that I had already allowed my self to be assuming/be lying to myself, be making up ideas and beliefs as to why something/someone exists/does something in a certain manner which actually can only point out to myself what actually still exists within me, which I covered up with the line ‘I don’t like being lied to’ and creating a reaction of ‘feeling cheated’ in that moment, but I didn’t even realize that it was all really me creating this all within me, not realizing I created the assumptions/the lies within me in that split second based on me accumulating previous assumptions that I hadn’t actually communicated and confronted which is why it was so easy for me to just continue the assumptions because I had done it in the past and ‘let it be’ without actually scrutinizing the point myself and being critical about what is it that I am actually accepting and allowing to exist within me – which is then entirely me assuming my responsibility to my mind/my thoughts/ my experience instead of diverting it toward another, which is the way to abdicate my own responsibility to my own thoughts in the first place.

 

I realize that in the past in relationships with people I have allowed myself to keep quiet in relationships which had already lead me to relationship failures, wherein the moment I don’t actually open up and confront the point with another which is what I would like others to do onto myself, I am actually being the starting point of my own self-agreement failure as I am not being entirely self-honest to myself to First even before confronting the ‘assumption’ with another, first question my own assumption, see where I am gathering the information from, what are my foundations for it, what is the proof that I have for what I am assuming first – so that I then first ensure that I am the one that takes self-responsibility for myself, my thoughts, my mind and once I have cleared myself from any reaction or lies/assumptions created about another, but instead realize that I do have some points to confront and reference with others, then I simply direct myself to communicate and open it up instead of allowing these points to accumulate and kind of go ‘rotting’ in the background as this is where and how then going into further assumptions, reactions becomes more automated based on the string-of-lies and assumptions about something/someone.

Therefore I commit myself to live myself first what I would like others to do onto me too, which is to be upfront, clear, frank, directive, transparent which are words I have to first and foremost not to ‘ask’ from others, but to live these words myself within my own self-relationship with in turn then will be my relationship toward any other individual as well as who I am.

 

Here is then where I take/assume absolute responsibility wherein instead of assuming /lying to myself, drawing conclusions, making up ‘my mind’ about something or someone, I rather live the word assumption as assuming/taking the responsibility to ensure that I am first here, stable within myself and as such ensure that every word that I am creating in my mind has a clear starting point and is entirely self-directive, as I see that an accumulation of lies which I allowed to exist within me as assumptions then become a more automated form of lying which I didn’t question within me first, and so then actually exists as a point of abuse toward others coming from me within creating an experience of distrust or assuming ‘I am being lied to’ without realizing that the actual lie, the actual problem exists within me as an assumption in itself where I lie to myself about what I believe/think/perceive about another which is actually entirely existent in my own mind –therefore

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a form of righteousness whenever I had assumed things wherein I then trust my lies/my mind going into assumption about things/people without actually investigating the point for myself, without actually rather confronting any misunderstanding with another through communication as I see and realize that if I apparently ‘don’t like lies/don’t like to lie’ which is one of the points I have placed within me as ‘virtue’ – without seeing that in fact this is just another form of ‘honesty’ card as the ‘system honesty’ because I missed the actual SELF-Honesty which is first questioning the validity, the substance and how acceptable my own thoughts and reactions are in my own mind, which is the first point of self-honesty missed when believing that ‘I am being lied to’ as this thought already implies I am actually the one lying to myself by hearing/placing trust in a thought that I have created in absolute irresponsibility, which means I didn’t assume my responsibility upon my own thought-creation that lead to assumptions about something/someone.

 

 

  • 3. I haven’t realized that this is really not about being able to trust another, but rather how I didn’t live self-trust fully to instead of assuming/jumping into conclusions in My mind to instead rather communicate it, to create an agreement of communication which will ensure that any relationships with others will be then like a fish tank: fully visible as there is nothing to hide, no backchats created as that is what creates the fracturing of any relationship, and within my self-agreement I have committed myself to be able to have transparent, integral relationships with every individual, which means having no secrets, no hidden agendas toward one another, no judgment, no backchat, no emotion or assumptions about others.

 

Missed Breaths 08

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to actually realize that I cannot ‘lose trust on another’ as there is really no ‘another’ but myself that creates such distrust by trusting my own mind, my own assumptions, my own beliefs which I have righteously created upon not actually communicating and opening up points that I’ve looked at but didn’t communicate, which is how one goes festering ‘little points’ over time which become yet more lies and more ‘reasons’ to assume/believe things about myself/others which is entirely existent in my own mind and as such, it is myself that has to ensure that I can instead trust myself  – which means that

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I cannot trust myself whenever I am assuming, whenever I am reacting, whenever I am creating doubt/uncertainty/reactions toward another which I am not directly referencing Within and for myself first to see the validity of my thoughts, my experiences and if I then have sufficient proof, reason, foundation for what I am considering is something to point out in a relationship with another, then I pull up my socks and confront the situation as I realize that it is actually quite dishonest to not open up points as they come up, as these points then go accumulating and creating further unspoken assumptions/reactions which certainly creates a rift within my self and from myself toward others, which is entirely unnecessary when we are in fact able to communicate and be open about any point or situation that I see emerged within me and so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to eve fear confronting something or someone about my own assumptions which is rather a self-sabotage point because by confronting my own assumptions then the lies would be able to be spotted easier –but, the moment ‘I keep quiet’ that’s when the same pattern repeats: I don’t speak, further assumptions are created and so I create and give energy/attention to lies, to assumptions instead of immediately opening the point up and communicating about it.

 

Most importantly I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live self-trust fully as I realize now how whenever I am assuming I cannot and I am not in fact living self-trust because I am thinking/assuming/linking dots based on what I read/ get to know or perceive which is entirely subjective and self-created upon premises that I have also defined in a certain manner so that it fits ‘my assumption’ which is then entirely self-deceptive first and foremost.

 

When and as I see myself jumping into conclusions, assuming what’s going on with something/someone I stop and I breathe, I ensure that I am back into physical reality and focus on myself, questioning what is it exactly that I am accepting and allowing to exist within me toward myself and toward others? And within this simply stop continuing assuming and instead, rather immediately referencing the point instead of allowing it to ‘pass’ because I see that allowing things to ‘pass’ it’s actually just an allowance of having points remain undirected, unsolved, which is another way of saying: I am not taking responsibility for my own reactions, assumptions beliefs about something/someone in one moment, which is what creates the problem in the first place: when I allow lies/assumptions to exist within me and go ‘unnoticed’ and neglecting the responsibility I have to every single thought, movement, experience that I have in my mind and that No thought, no reaction, no experience can be righteous or justified.

When and as I see myself once again ever going into the backchat ‘I don’t like being lied to’ – I stop and I breathe – And I bring myself HERE to realize that I am the one lying to myself first by being self-dishonest and being creating a reaction upon my own thoughts and so, instead focus on looking at the point objectively so that I can then see what do I need to cross reference in order to ensure I am not assuming, and so confront the point or situation in the moment.

I see and realize that I have to practice that ability to be more directive in the moment which means not allowing something to ‘go by’ and allow it to just ‘pass’ as this is me not taking responsibility for what I created in my mind.

 

Therefore I commit myself to actually develop first self-trust wherein I am able to ensure that every single thought I have I can be certain it is self-directive and that I am fully here as I utilize my mind constructively to direct myself, to clarify situations, to open up and cross-reference with others, as that is then the way wherein I can ensure that I can trust myself in relationship to others which means: I can trust myself that I won’t create lies/assumptions about something/someone – but instead focus on investigating, taking/assuming responsibility to myself, my mind, my reactions and so within this, it will invariably and by default will also be easier to confront/expose/open up a point with others as I am then having the openness lived by myself first, which is the self-agreement at all times, to not see ‘others’ as the problem but always self, always taking the point back to myself.

 

I commit myself to ensure that I remain clear and stable no matter what, no matter how even something that I believe is a problem exists in reality, as we do live in a reality where things are not ‘easy’ or ‘smooth ‘ or ‘without problems’ because this entire world, our relationships and our lack of self-responsibility to our own minds is what has created the nature of a problematic world – therefore, instead of seeing this as a ‘big point’ I realize that I have to instead use this as a flag point to become aware of any other moment where I see myself assuming things about something/someone, quiet myself in that moment and focus on MYSELF and stopping lying/ deceiving and being self-dishonest within me accepting and allowing such assumptions/backchat about something/someone and instead focus on seeing the point and then looking how I am going to direct it, assuming my responsibility to my words, my mind, my actions and inactions.

 

I commit myself to also not continue ‘bashing’ myself for committing this mistake of assuming a lot about something/someone as that guilt/remorse is only an experience that also prevent us from directly spotting the responsibility within it all, so I instead focus on my responsibility to every word, every reaction I create and rather focus on preventing/stopping any reaction from existing within me in any given moment wherein I observe something/someone and go into believing that ‘I know’ why something/someone happens/does something as this is entirely self-referential which means: it has nothing to do ‘with others’ but rather upon myself and what I do or don’t do.

 

 

Pointing back at me

 

Interviews:

 

To Develop Self-Honesty and Learn how to live a Self-Agreement to be able to Trust ourselves, investigate:

380. Conditioned by Memories

to react with emotions upon receiving bad news.

Dreams are a cool place where we can still face points that might not be in our reality any longer, but that we can still test out ‘where we stand’ in relation to certain people, situations, events and so this is also within the understanding that no matter in which conditions we create the situation – either real life or dreams or else – process remains the same in one’s application, essentially in all dimensions of self.

Last night I had a dream about someone – one of the few people – I had come to consider as a ‘friend’ in high school who has been the one person I’ve met with after all these years and grew ‘fond’ of for the time we were together in school, and certainly in my mind he has remained as the ‘only one person I could care about of all those people’ as a point of separation.

In my dream, he would tell me that he had cancer and was extremely sad and the moment that he hugged me, IN MY MIND in the dream is as if I was THINKING that I should feel sad about it, that I should ‘show some emotion’ on it, that I could maybe go to the past, and bring up the nice experiences I used to have with him and so place them into context to this moment of him telling me these ‘bad news’ and now feel bad/sad about it, but it was very interesting how there was nothing, zero experience within me other than the belief that maybe I should become sad so that he knows ‘I care’ but really, that’s essentially what we have been conditioned to think.

In my dream it was very interesting how at the mind/intention level there was still this inkling of idea that ‘I must show emotion to let him know I care’ but physically I could not experience anything in the dream, nothing else but the physical embrace and being with the person that moment, even if he was decidedly sad and in tears about it.

DSC08348

 

So, why do I share this? Because since the beginning of my process, one of the first points I complained about ‘having to stop my mind’ as I had understood it at the beginning, was “Well, what the hell am I going to become without my emotions and feelings, a Robot!?? Is that what you want me to be!!??” and I was quite well under a storm in my own glass of water about it, only later realizing that such tantrum was actually performed by me as the mind, and not me as the point of self-awareness that realizes that: we are not our emotions and feelings, we are physical beings and as such, we direct ourselves in practicality and common sense.

One would then say “Well, so if you don’t become sad or show emotion to demonstrate you ‘care’ about someone, how do you do it?’ – And so I realized in the dream that the point of stability, who I was in that moment of getting the news and seeing the person cry, be the point of stability, being there as breath as there is nothing else I was able to do – my tears or emotion would do nothing to fix the problem and so, it is the same when any other circumstances come our way where we cannot physically do anything to fix/solve the problem, the most we can do is stand as the breathing pillar of support, being there for the person/being in distress whenever one can, and support with anything we are able to support with in self-honesty: meaning not trying to ‘save’ the person, but understanding also the ‘greater picture’ of how consequences manifest.

So, I found it fascinating how the ghostly mind whispers would be like a sensation of ‘I require to become emotional, I need to FEEL something right now, come on!’ lol, almost like if I didn’t feel anything then I would be a ‘dead’ person or ‘bad’ and kind of try and create the emotion in the moment out of memories and so forth… but it didn’t work, so I simply embraced the physicality of being here, with the person, breathing and not having to feel or become emotional about it, but only reiterate my support with anything I could contribute with.

 

However, I do see there’s more to it within questioning why the hell was it that one person in my world that I dreamed of, what was the particular relationship set up? How did he become ‘special’ in terms of my past and relationships? And that’s what I’ll begin looking at here:

 

Self Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep the idea of who A is as ‘someone special from school’ which has caused me to then in the dream bring up the idea of himself as this ‘special person getting sick’ so that in my mind, I could have a ‘reason’ to become sad because apparently ‘he’s a special person to me,’ without realizing that in keeping him as a memory of all the ‘good times’ and the ability to communicate that we had, I had created a ‘good/positive’ experience toward him, as someone that I ‘specially care for’ and in this, still existing as the perception that I created over time about him, which separates him from the rest of the people and myself as being one and equal, because in equality, there can be no special bonds, or special friendships or relationships that we ponder above others.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to at some level in my dream, attempt to lure myself into ‘becoming emotional’ because that’s what apparently he deserved after having been a ‘special person/friend’ in my life, and so believing that ‘I should demonstrate my ‘care’ for him by becoming sad or cry and be emotional about his condition,’ without realizing that it is precisely this type of self-manipulation wherein we give into the mind just because of accepting the conditioning of ‘how we have to behave when we get ‘bad news’ or when something ‘bad’/unfortunate happens to another, without realizing that this is the same form of trap that we create in terms of relationships, and caring MORE for one individual or a few individuals than the rest of the world.

I see and realize that if I was to become sad about ‘bad things happening to others’, I would be sad all day long since this world is nothing but a consequential chain reaction of unfortunate events, and manifested consequences that lead to suffering and pain, and nothing will change unless we first understand how we create our own sickness, our own misfortune, how we contribute to the pain and abuse in this world by us precisely giving into the mind, which does Nothing to solve the problem but further compound the problem, since in the mind, working with energy: there is no solution at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in the dream want to ‘reason’ his cancer sickness trying to grab memories of ‘who he is’ and how I had believed him to be very ‘conceited’ at first and how i had in fact gone form hate to ‘love’ with this person, and how I tried to ‘make sense’ of his sickness due to the manifested consequences of the time when I had defined that he was an ‘a-hole.’

I realize that what I created in my dream was exactly what I have been witnessing around me when it comes to seeing people with certain power or certain air of grandeur being humbled by loss, suffering, pain, sickness and so forth and so in my dream reasoning that this is why he had ‘cancer’ and trying to ‘make sense’ of the problem by all the judgments that I in fact created toward him at the very beginning of getting to know him, which later on turned into the exact opposite and so, in the dream I am being shown how I had created the pattern of ‘from hate to love’ toward another, love as the appreciation of someone, of ‘specialness’ and ‘care’ without realizing that it had been a mechanism of the mind to be able to actually ‘cope’ with the person and be better as ‘friends’ than ‘enemies’ lol, which is kind of interesting then, because I realize that I had also many times wished him to ‘go f… himself’ and so when seeing that point of vulnerability and seeing that he was no longer the ‘almighty person’ I had perceived him to be, that he was ‘at last’ being ‘grounded by consequence,’ without realizing that I created and generated all of this situation in the mind to realize that the ‘hold’ that I had kept toward this particular person is existent because I wanted to hold on to this ‘special relationship’ that we had as friends and colleagues mostly, and so giving it value within ‘who I am’ and ‘what I came to be for him and what he came to be for me’ as this ‘great lesson’ of how we could talk through our initial rivalry and antagonism and get to be ‘good friends.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hold on to these ideas, perceptions, memories of people in my past as something ‘great’ and holding on to the positivity of it, because of believing that I/we had done a ‘great job’ to ‘teach others how to go from hate to love/appreciation’ which I see that it remained as this ‘special relationship’ due to the actual struggle that it represented at first with him, in this

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge A extensively at the very beginning of knowing him for the amount of money that he had, considering him as arrogant and an asshole all the way, which is why within this judgment I would usually confront him and deliberately want to ‘prove him wrong’ which would lead us to this ‘enemy relationship’ that later on due to my own deliberate explanation to our teachers how ‘I could not stand him,’ lol, he remained in the same class as I did for the rest of the 3 years of high school, which is funny and I’m grateful how teachers asked me about this point because I had difficulty relating myself to people, and so they knew that this guy ‘A’ was one of the main problems and so, they deliberately kept us in the same class, until we started becoming ‘friends’ once that we were able to communicate about topics that others would not usually engage in.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a ‘good experience’ while ‘remembering the time when I became friends with A’ because in the mind it was the turnover from the absolute ‘hate’ or disdain that I had formed toward him, to the positive as the ‘nice experience’ it became to be friends with him and to have someone to talk to about stuff I ‘cared’ for, and so, within this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep a ‘good memory’ with ‘positive experiences’ about the relationships I’ve formed with people that I considered as a ‘challenge,’ without realizing that such ‘challenge’ implies that i had first seen the person within the scope of ‘negative experience toward them’ which is how I created them as a ‘challenge to deal with’ and so when being able to establish a relationship with them, they stopped being ‘a challenge’ and instead became the normalcy of ‘good experience’ toward him for ‘having achieved the ‘good from the bad’ – all the polarity design implied at a mind-energetic level of having first defined ‘A’ as a ‘bad person’ as a negative point in my reality, and then turning that ‘negative point’ into a positive point, which later on became like a ‘trophy’ that I would want to hold on to, as in having ‘conquered’ that ‘a-hole’ and turned him into a ‘better person’ which is quite the pattern I have repeated throughout my life in terms of my relationships – in general.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hold on to the memories of how I perceive and believe that ‘I changed people to become a better person’ not realizing that all that I did, was changing the ‘charge’ that I had judged them initially with – which in all cases remains a judgment, an assessment in the mind – and so in fact I did Not change the individual, they did it for themselves, and it’s up to each individual to then assess the starting point of their change.

I realize that in interactions and relationships, I would tend to want to always ‘change’ the person and want them to become ‘better’ within what I had defined as ‘better’ and so believing that ‘I had something to do with their change of behavior from ‘bad/negative person’ to ‘good person’ which is only the idea and belief that I have wanted to hold on to within myself to create the idea that ‘I was a positive influence in the lives of others.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hold on to and believe that ‘I have been a positive influence in the lives of others’ and make myself be the ‘good person’ of the tale that ‘changes lives’ without realizing that this is merely then who I have been in terms of ego wanting to change people, want them to become a ‘better person’ but for this point of self-interest when it comes to getting ‘challenges’ or ‘difficult people to deal with’ in order to prove that ‘I can get around anything or anyone’ and believe I have this ‘ability’ or ‘skill’ to make things change, not realizing that at that point in the past, it was me also changing myself, wanting to fit into those relationships, changing my behavior to ‘be around’ those people for the ‘convenience’ I believed they represented, and so created and remained with this idea of ‘fondness’ toward others, without realizing how I had come to create such ‘specialness’ over such individual in the first place, and so understand why it was that particular person coming with the sickness in the dream.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to ever add credit or value to myself for having been able to ‘deal with – who I perceived – were ‘difficult people’ and getting them to ‘get along with me’ for the sake of proving that ‘I could deal with them and change them’ without realizing that I in fact cannot change anyone, I cannot directly prove that I have influenced anyone, nor do I have to prove such things as only who I am as ego would want to gauge the ‘results’ to see whether I was able to ‘change someone’ or not, and that’s obviously not the point of our relationships or interactions in terms of ‘change.’

I realize that I can only stand as an example of support, of stability, of realizations that I have come through my own process of self-change and in this, I realize that wanting to hold on to this idea of ‘having changed others’ and then creating this special bond with them due to ‘having seen them change from negative to positive’ is nothing else but a trait in the mind to remain in separation from the person themselves, and realizing that in terms of the dream, the positive feeling that i wanted to initially create toward him was not real as it always had been created in the mind as the result of the hate-to-love relationship we created, wherein now in the mind when seeing such ‘special person’ being sick, I was ‘supposed to feel bad’ but only based on ‘uploading’ all of the past and memories with him as ‘positive’ to then have a reason to ‘feel bad/sad’ about his situation based on my own reaction to my own memories.

 

Self Commitments:

So, I commit myself to remain in stability and breath at all times and not ‘give head’ to the whispers in the mind about ‘me having to become emotional’ about a situation in order to ‘show I care,’ as I realize that this is how we trap each other in special bonds and feelings, and memories, and patterns based on memories of the past, of who the person was, who we were to them and so cage each other in the same patterns again.

I commit myself to remain standing in stability no matter how I may have even the slightest doubt in terms of my stability and believe that ‘I should show some emotion’ because I realize that emotions is not who I decide to be in such moments, but instead remain physically, breathing in stability, grounded and directive, so as to also be able to be the example of how remaining in stability is the best point of support instead of giving into emotions that lead to no solution.

I commit myself to view A as any other person and let go of this ‘special relationship’ which involves the whole pattern of ‘hate-to-love’ and me apparently having influenced who I had defined as a ‘difficult person’ to change, without realizing that this is only assumptions that I made myself believe in to feel ‘good’ about it all and cherish this relationship as special.

Now in this, it doesn’t mean that I have to now completely ‘forget’ about the person or whatnot, but simply be very aware of how I ‘remember’ them, whether any reactions come up when having the thought of him in my mind as this will be supportive to then see what else comes up, and why I have held such ‘special niche’ to him in my mind, separated from everyone else – which I now see is mostly due to this from hate-to-love relationship that I gave ‘value’ to, due to the ‘challenge’ it represented in my mind.

I commit myself to let go of all the judgments I have held toward A based on his past, our relationship and who I believe him to be, and in this realize that I can only trust the physical, the actions lived and the moment that is here whenever we get to meet again

I commit myself to no longer feel the ‘need’ to ‘act out some emotions’ according to defining people as ‘special’ in my world and as such creating ‘feelings’ about them because of them being considered as ‘special’ which I realize is not at all who they really are, as who we are is one and equal and so, we stand as one and equal breathing, directive, stable – since only emotions and feelings emerge when we act based on memories.

 

I trust myself in and as physical stability at all times, as I realize that becoming emotional is of the mind and so, I commit myself to being here,  breathing and self directive at all times – no special strings attached.

 

Unplugged

 

To stop being a past-based memory robot and live here:

 

Interview on Dreams:

The Meanings in Dreams – Life Review

 

Today’s the 6th anniversary of having found Desteni and as such, of the beginning of changing my life for the best, for all.

Desteni Process – New World – 30/January/2008

 

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