Tag Archives: behavioral patterns

122. ‘Is this as good as it gets?’

 

 

Even when I was in a moment with ‘established’ friendships and relationships, there would always be a time wherein I just wanted to be left alone, even if I was already quiet habituated to be with them during the day, I would always hit the  introverted mode wherein I would just remain quiet while backchatting about me wanting to leave home:  how could I get myself out of this situation, can’t he just stop talking, if I say that I don’t want to go then Ill be seen as anti-social, he/ she will take i t personal if I don’t want to go there –I just want to go home. And then getting home was just being apparently ‘free’ again, which is just where my ‘default character’ would come up, wanting to be alone.

 
And this is a fantastic mechanism of the mind to keep me bound to first generation an expectation of wanting to do something/ see someone and then going to the actual experience, not getting ‘my energy’ – therefore, experiencing boredom or dissatisfaction and therefore, only seeking to be alone again, only to create further mindfucks about me being ‘incapable’ of being with others for an extended period of time, or simply having something ‘wrong’ within me that would lead me to always seek out to be alone again. All of it self created for very specific reasons and purposes that rely on self interest.  Some of the main backchat on this is:
 

I am getting tired of this, it’s getting boring

I think of Just being alone, no one bothering me

I think it’s time to go home, how can I slip out of this?

He’s trying to be entertaining, but it doesn’t work anymore

Oh man now he’ll be sad because I’m leaving

I’m finally free again

Why do I repeat the same cycle over and over again?

I always end up wanting to leave after having desired to be here

I worry that nothing seems to satisfy me,
What if this is ‘as good as it gets?

 

Self-Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build an expectation upon ‘wanting to see someone to have a good time’ wherein I project myself in a positive manner/’having a good time’ with another, which eventually ‘deflates’ as everything must go all the way down when participating in ideals of ‘positive experience,’ which are in essence a mindfuck created in order for me to every time believe that I had to ‘hold on’ to a particular relationship in order to always experience the ‘joy’ of seeing someone, regardless of how I would always end up experiencing the downfall/ negative once that the energy built up is used up, leaving me ‘high and dry’ which is how I realize I would go through my days: seeking an experience to be ‘more’ than the moment wherein I am here as breath, as the physical.

When and as I see myself creating an expectation upon a future moment of wanting to meet someone/ be somewhere else in order to experience myself in a positive way, I stop and I breathe – I realize that building up a positive expectation eventually meets its downfall as a negative experience. Thus I direct myself to simply be here in every moment with and as whatever point I face in my reality, wherein no good or bad projections are created, as I stick to remain here as breath.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow the thought of me  being alone, laying on my bed, doing nothing, not being disturbed as the perfect ‘state of mind’ wherein I am able to keep ‘the loner’ character in place, as there is nothing or no one in it that challenges my own self-religion. Thus I see and realize how I have used this thought of ‘going home’ and ‘being alone’ as a defense mechanism whenever something is actually challenging my own personality that doesn’t want to be ‘disturbed’ at all.

When and as I see myself thinking about that image of me being alone at home, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is a red-flag  thought wherein I must look at where and how it is that I am wanting to escape a moment of actual self-support and transcendence of a limitation within communicating/ interacting with others.

I assist and support myself to realize the image of me ‘being alone’ as a personality fail safe that I have kept in order to ensure that I always remain within the ‘bounds’ of my own self-limitation as the characters that I have played out in relation to ‘the loner,’ which is also creating an experience of apparent ‘depression’ in order to have a way to justify my ‘instability,’ wherein I am only manipulating others to ‘accept me as I am’ which was a deliberate ‘loner’ and ‘freakishly behaved’ person that would be extremely joyful and then extremely down from one moment to the next, showing a deliberate face of dissatisfaction so that others could try and do ‘whatever they could to make me happy/ cheer me up’ again – which is absolute self manipulation.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start backchatting myself desiring to leave a certain place/ someone, simply because my energetic drive to be there is no longer ‘strong enough,’ hence I realize that I start projecting myself as this discomfort in my entire physical body that transforms into a mild annoyance that I express in the totality of and as my physical body, just because I already ‘got what I wanted’ and then want to leave the person/place/ situation in order to be alone, which is wanting to go back to the ‘safe spot’ in my mind where nothing and no one disturbs me.

When and as I see myself wanting to escape a moment just because I have already gotten my ‘quick fix’ of positive experience in a certain place/ meeting with someone – I stop and I breathe – I direct myself to interact and be here in the moment without projecting myself into a future moment of just being alone, as I see and realize that this is me just following the ‘default’ setting of my apparent ‘stability’ as in ‘being alone.’ Thus I direct myself to remain here as breath in whatever moment/ situation with whomsoever I am spending a moment with. I am here as breath, I do not require to be ‘alone’ to be here in and as breath in physical stability.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an apparent ‘exhaustion’ from being with others, wherein I would go into a ‘vexed mode’ and ‘annoyed’ simply because I had built an entire future projection of my moment with them/ such person being ‘just great’/extraordinary – thus when my dream would not meet reality, I would feel disappointed and as such, creating the opposite experience was a way to get myself back to my ‘default mode’ which was creating a an ideal positive experience out of being alone – hence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that within being alone I don’t have to ‘uphold any character’ toward others, without realizing that the single character of ‘Wanting to be alone’ is my default character, which I have simply not even opened up because of believing that it was ‘perfectly normal’ for me to ‘want to be alone’ at all times, which is in fact another defense mechanism wherein I then react in every moment that I have to actually share a moment/ space with others – thus

 

When and as I see myself creating a polarity of positive experience and negative experience out of the ideal in my mind of what ‘being alone’ is, I stop and I breathe –I realize that I have created this default character of always wanting to be alone in order to not challenge myself to step out of my own self-limitation. Thus I assist myself to remain here as breath and stop any desire to run away from everyone and leave a place, as I see that I am only running away from facing myself as others in a moment of interaction.

I assist and support myself to take a moment to simply focus on breathing and realize that I am here and that being with people or being alone doesn’t change who I am here as breath, as the physical.

I commit myself to walk the ‘default character’ of myself defined as me being alone, which is essentially still trying to protect my ‘loneliness’ as my ‘safe heaven.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine myself just walking home, being at home, and being alone whenever I see that another is just trying to ‘keep up the positive experience’ in the moment, wherein I decidedly react in a vexed and annoyed manner, indicating that I am simply ‘not having a good time’ and wanting to escape, which is when I become very quiet and showing little to no excitement about anything, which comes from the entire relationship play out that I created for myself, wherein I would be like a ‘cheerleader’ trying to make a ‘good moment’ out of anything, eventually and inevitably facing the counter act which is having a ‘low’ and and a downfall, which is when the thought of just stepping out of the scene comes up, which translates of wanting to stop upholding such agreeable character in a relationship and go back to my ‘safe place’ as in being alone and not having to ‘deal’ with others, without realizing that this is about me dealing with my own backchat and experiences created upon others’ actions, words in a particular moment.

When and as I see myself becoming ‘tired’ when being with another, annoyed/ vexed, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am then upholding a character as in being ‘positive/ agreeable’ creating an inevitable ‘downfall’ of energy as the negative and just wanting to shut another up. Thus I assist and support myself to be HERE in the moment without changing ‘who I am’ according to the people or environment – I am here, I breathe and as such I interact and communicate without holding myself back upon assessing communication as being either a positive/likeness or negative/disliking according to the judgment I have created upon communication.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that another takes my ‘quiet’ attitude as personal, thinking that they will believe they are not ‘good enough to keep me entertained’ (wtf?) which is just me projecting my own inner conflict onto others to not take responsibility for my own characters and see how I manipulate myself to manipulate in deliberately making it evident that ‘I am not having a good time’ and a such, wanting to push them to do ‘all they can’ to maintain a good time/ keep me entertained with something, which is absolutely unsustainable and ludicrous to even conceive how our relationships have only been based on this desire to please or ‘keep someone entertained’ in order to ‘have a good time’ which is absolutely reducing each other to characters that masturbate each other until the orgasmic experience comes and then, one just wants to leave the place and seek for the next fix somewhere else.

I realize that I have created these characters in order to trigger an experience within another so that they could then come up with an idea to do something that would ‘cheer me up’ or ‘keep me entertained’ which can only be applicable if I am in fact only wanting to keep relationships of ‘good times,’ instead of self-stability here in every moment of breath. Thus I direct myself to support me here to not create subcharacters to defend the ‘ideal’ loner character, as all such points are in fact unnecessary if one take self responsibility to remain stable in every moment of breath, no matter where or with whom we are.

When and as I see myself fearing another’s reaction upon my own quietness – I stop and I breathe. I realize that I won’t even have to be playing ‘the quiet’ subcharacter as a support for ‘the loner’ character because I won’t be limiting myself to only create the idea of me having a ‘good time’ by myself, alone – thus I see and realize that if I am quiet it is because I in fact have nothing to say and that another’s thoughts upon me have nothing to do with what I decide to live as in every moment, taking into consideration that I won’t deliberately be quiet in order to instigate a reaction within another, but ensuring that I am in fact here breathing and as such being open to speak or not speak according to the moment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually lie about ‘having to do something’ in order to leave, which is just part of the entire lies as the characters that I kept up with another in order to remain in such relationship, in order to please ourselves and, paradoxically enough, to ‘not be alone’ which is the actual polarity I went back and forth with: wanting to be alone and then seeking to not be alone through relationships. I realize that my ability to be here and interact with anyone does not require for me to create ‘special bonds’/ ideal moments that I then bind myself to, I am able to remain stable and consistent here as breathe and open to share and interact with others without fearing or desiring to be alone, as I am here, breathing in my physical body and that being alone or with people does not define who I am.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being considered as ‘antisocial’ whenever I leave a place to go home, however I see and realize that most of the times I did so in order to keep myself ‘safe’ from having to confront myself. Therefore I make sure that I do not ‘pay attention’ to any potential judgments arising from me leaving a place/ not visiting a place/ someone for some time, as I realize that if I do not go or interact for extended periods of time is simply because the moment/ event/ situation is not self supportive and I would rather be doing something that is in fact self supportive.

When and as I see myself finding an excuse to go home/ be alone again, I stop and I breathe, I realize that it is me as the mind as the character of the loner playing out as I do not require to make excuses to simply decide to leave or actually reassess why it is that I am wanting to leave someone/ certain place, which is where self honesty comes in- thus I assess whether the moment is supportive or not, whether I actually would rather be doing something that is self-supportive than being with such person or in a certain place. This I do ensuring that it is not energy that’s driving me to ‘be alone’ but a simple common sensical consideration without fearing leaving another, or fearing being judged for leaving a certain place.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear causing a ‘negative experience’ within another for me leaving, which is just me creating further reactions, compromising myself and instigating further inner conflict to leave, when in fact ‘leaving’ in itself is and must be a decision in the moment wherein I am clear and stable as myself to do so, without holding any specific ‘considerations’ upon what this decision will cause in another, as that is simply my own projection of the play outs I have created within relationships and the fear of losing them .

Thus when and as I see myself fearing causing a ‘negative experience’ within others for me leaving a certain place and moment, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I have used this as an excuse to only remain in the place, keeping the same desires to go home, instigating further inner conflict and discomfort just because of compromising myself in this singular point, which is unacceptable – thus I realize that I am the one that is able to simply make a decision to leave in the moment and that’s it – no further consequences when being self honest and clear about my decision.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘feel free again’ whenever I leave a place/ someone, creating then a positive experience out of having created my own negative experience as in being ‘suppressed’ while being with another/ in a certain place, which is how I kept myself looping around positive and negative experiences that I would blame others for apparently ‘spoiling,’ instead of seeing and realizing how I created it all for myself as an excuse to not have to see why it is that I was so addicted to this feel good/ feel bad energetic experience as a way to ‘keep relationships in place’ within my world.

When and as I see myself experiencing a relief, a positive experience as in ‘being free again’ when leaving someone/ a particular place – I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is stemming from ‘the loner’ character as the positive experience of being alone, when in fact, being alone must not be a positive experience, but an actual self-stability in every moment of breath.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an inner conflict out of ‘not knowing why I always want to be alone’ which is an added conflict as an ‘I don’t understand myself’ subcharacter in order to reinforce ‘the loner’ character wherein I believe that ‘there’s something wrong with me’ as an apparent inability to enjoy the moment/ share myself with another, which is just part of the mechanism to keep me entertained within my mind as characters that I created in order to constantly be ‘experiencing’ a beingness as a mood or a ‘way of being’ just like me being the main character of my own movie wherein I would be always a depressive person seeking a positive experiences for a moment and ‘get what I want’ in such manner.

I realize that I have kept this apparent inability to fully enjoy myself simply because of having believed that self enjoyment was something bombastic and ‘outrageous,’ which I simply would not be able to experience myself, thus believing that there was something ‘wrong’ with me not being overtly excited or joyful at time, which is how we create these conflicts based on what we watch in movies/ ideal situations wherein people have this ‘perfect good time’ just because of having lots of money or fame and any kind of culturally accepted ‘successful living’ and ‘enjoyable experience,’ which only exists as a mirage for all of us to constantly seek for such positive experience at all cost, which obviously is not real and never was.

When and as I see myself creating an inner conflict when thinking ‘I don’t know what’s wrong with me’ wherein I am apparently incapable of being with another for an extended period of time, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is just a backup to always try and defend my personality as ‘the loner’ that does not want to realize how this is actually a defense mechanism to not face ourselves as another, which is how we fear yet desire relationships as a point of inner conflict, simply because we haven’t allowed ourselves to simply be here, breathing, without having an entire ‘mood’ in our minds at all times.

 

I realize that we are the only ones that create our own characters as a way to abuse our simplicity of being here, as breath, as the physical that we have fully ignored while creating inner conflicts and seeking to be ‘more’ than ourselves here already, which his unacceptable.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create my own mindfucks as ‘inner conflicts’ of wanting to be alone all the time, yet deliberately seeking relationships/ seeking to be with others, which is just a perfect mechanism to keep me bound to conflict, to friction and to further consequence, wherein I would always end up ensuring that I remain ‘safe’ as my main character ‘the loner,’ which is why and how relationships came to an end, as I was apparently unable to be/ stand another for an extended period of time, which was only because would face myself/dynamite the foundation of ‘the loner’ character, as I see and realize that being with others, communicating, interacting is the key to see ourselves for real – because when we are all alone in our perfect bubble, nothing seems to move – yet the minor interaction and confrontation with the real world or another being is the actual moment wherein we can test for ourselves if we are in fact really ‘here’ or not.

Thus I assist and support myself to continue opening up with people  in communication and interaction in order to continue applying myself and physically directing me to be constant and consistent within my application of being here as breath, no matter where no matter with whom I am in any given moment.

When and as I see myself believing that ‘I do not know why I always end up wanting to be alone’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is just another hook to keep me bound to an apparent inner conflict of me having some type of ‘problem’ to be with people, to interact and communicate unconditionally, which is in fact a self created character – as all characters – in order to keep me safe within ‘the loner’ character bounds which is in essence then me protecting and fueling my main default character that seeks to be alone at all times. I thus realize that whenever I am wondering or pondering about my ‘beingness’ as in being alone, I am trying to simply instigate an experience to occupy myself up there in the mind instead of being and remaining here as breath.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ask myself ‘what is wrong with me?’ as a self-manipulation tactic in order to not see and realize that I have created this entire ‘loner’ character to always be in a certain ‘beingness’ of either unfulfilled or misunderstood character or apparently being incapable of establishing proper relationships with people, which is absolutely a self-created mechanism to only keep me bound to ‘the loner’ character that will defend its loneliness with even apparent conflict to ‘stop being the loner’ without realizing that all conflict only gives more energy and more attention of who I accepted and allowed myself to be and become as ‘the loner.’

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go as far as ‘worrying’ that there is something inherently wrong with me because of not being able to be ‘satisfied’ with anything, not even with having the ‘man of my dreams’ or studying that which I apparently dreamed to have, without realizing that I created these points as positive experiences in order for me to create further conflict when not getting the ideal/ future projected happiness/ satisfaction within such relationships and careers, which is another mechanism to protect ‘the loner’ character that would end up always seeking to be alone, dissert relationships, dissert careers and always remaining ‘unsatisfied’ and feeling ‘inadequate,’ which is a primary source and mechanism of self-manipulation in order to instigate conflict within and as ‘the loner’ character, to keep me bound to always seek for a positive experience, instead of actually accepting and bracing myself here as the simplicity of the physical beingness that requires no positive or negative experience to exist.

I realize that I created my own ‘inner conflicts’ and characters according to who I wanted to be and how I wanted to be seen by others, as some type of ‘weird’ person that is not able to create effective relationships, as that would keep me bound to an isolation, depression and self-diminishment that I would come to seek and even  enjoy as a source of apparent ‘inspiration’ to make good art, which is linked to the entire ‘Artist’ personality, of always existing in conflict and depression in order to have something to ‘create’ about, lol an all-around mindfuck that I created for myself around relationships based on only seeking to exist as a continual inner-conflict to remain comfortable within my own mind, creating all these ideas about ‘who I am’ without ever having even considered that who I really am is myself here as the physical, and that I can direct my mind to support myself as such physical being.

 

When and as I see myself thinking, believing, perceiving and worrying that there is ‘something wrong with me’ because of an apparent inability to establish proper relationships, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this has been one of the greatest traps I created for myself and as myself within the belief that I was in fact a ‘difficult person’ and/or would never be able to ‘settle down,’ wherein I realize that I created such ideas based on fearing actually facing myself with another and bursting my ‘loner’ bubble as primary ‘self-defense mechanism.’ Thus I assist myself to realize there is nothing ‘wrong’ with me and that I can communicate, interact and be with another/ others without creating an experience within my mind about it, it is just human beings being here with one another coexisting as the physical wherein the actual direction at all times must be to form and create agreements of self support to ensure that we no longer support one another’s characters/ personalities as self-limitation, but instead, push ourselves to face the ‘who we have become’ as our mind characters and learn how to coexist and live within the consideration of the physical practical reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold the backchat in ultimate stances of disillusionment within a relationship/ a moment and thinking ‘What if this is as good as it gets?’ wherein I judge my ability to enjoy myself with another, existing in a continual discomfort of even not breathing properly because of thinking and believing that I must be and behave in a particular way to get to the ultimate positive experience, in order to create a relationship that I can keep as a ‘positive experience’ within me, which is how I see and realize that I had idealized relationships as these merry-go-round opportunities to only ‘enjoy’ myself, but never ever considering a relationship as a point of actual growth and self support, which is how I would create a negative experience whenever something/ someone would be dynamiting the foundation of ‘the loner’ character, as this was in essence a threat to my mind, the ‘who I am’ as my mind as the limitation of myself I have accepted and allowed myself,’ imposing it onto the physical.

Thus, I see that I only sought for positive experiences within my own relationships and characters of self interest, only being like an addict that looks for a quick fix, have a good time/ a high experience in the moment to then go back to the ‘default’ state of seeking to be ‘more’ through relationships, only getting the quick fix for a moment and then going back to the negative of myself as ‘the loner’ that would then be considered as a positive experience, just to keep myself bounding off from one side to the other with no clarity or even understanding what it is that I was in fact doing to myself, which is abusing myself as the physical, using my mind in order to experience myself as a certain positive or negative mood within the belief that ‘feeling’ and ‘becoming emotional’ was in fact Living.

I realize that thinking ‘what if this is as good as it gets’ implies seeking to be experiencing something positive at all times based on the ideals and future projections that I participated in about myself and my future when growing up, wherein I accepted ‘following my dreams’ as something viable and acceptable, thinking that people could actually always remain in this ‘blissful’ state within their relationships and their jobs, which is absolutely not so and this is thus how we end up dissatisfied with ourselves, without even questioning how such positive experience has always been the carrot on the stick, presented as such, to be an ever elusive ideal and only attainable to a handful of human beings in the world system that even then, would seek to get more and have more power, which is essentially greed that we have accepted and allowed ourselves to create the moment that we think we are able to ‘be more’ than who we are already as ourselves, as the physical.

When and as I see myself thinking ‘what if this is as good as it gets?’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am then trying to create a positive experience out of my day to day living breathing here, which is what life is actually about, instead of seeking a positive experience at all cost and ignoring what is it that actually allows such positive experience to exist. Thus, I bring myself back to the physical an walk moment by moment supporting and assisting myself to work, be, do and interact with others within situations/ activities that I realize are actual opportunities and platforms of self-support in order to stop being characters and actually start taking responsibility for the massive consequences we have created when only seeking to be ‘a successful character’ in our reality.

To be continued…

 

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Recommended Interview that allowed me to understand this pattern of how the mind functions as an energetic leech that seeks for the next great fix which we manifest as our relationships and decisions in our world:

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107. ‘If I don’t get enough attention, I stop sharing myself’

Attention Seeker’s Demise and Parental patterns of aloofness

A point of communication with parents is when we try and get their attention in one way or another, when we try and share ourselves and what we find is ‘meaningful’ as a way to spend some time with them. Expectations are built, the moment arrives and all one can be thinking about is ‘please let them like it, let them just for a moment stay calm and quiet, no phones ringing, no distracting chatters, just focusing for some minutes on this.’ However, once a pattern exists within the parent of, for example, being always ‘on a rush,’ there will be little to no patience to watch/ walk something that takes more than the 30 second attention span, eventually going away or finding any excuse to not remain in the moment. Children take it personally and from there a decision is made in anger and retaliation: ‘I swear I won’t ever share anything I do with him/ her/ them again.’ And so we grow up, keeping our stuff to ourselves in such victimized state from that one single moment where attention was not given as the child requested it.

This is a true-story and a repetitive pattern that I disclose here: a broken moment of communication where even words were not required to be expressed, but was just a moment of co-existence in the same room, watching a piece of film that had been recorded in means of slowing-down to reality. Yet existing in that point of expectation to ‘get their attention’ – in this case – my father’s and for him to not be impatient enough to watch this entire video; I essentially set the tone for what would end up being just another predictable ‘walk-out’ of the scene, which I took personally and once again confirming in my mind ‘I won’t share my ‘creative stuff’ with my parents again’ which became a safe way for me to not see how I also was wanting and desiring their attention the way that ‘I wanted it.’

It takes two to tango – however, a message to all parents is that if children are not supported in order to understand how not to take their actions/ reactions personally, consequences that can ensue from such walk-outs are a definitive crack in any form of incipient communication that could have been developing between the child and the father/ mother.

 

“I commit myself to SHOW that PARENTS in fact understand Nothing of PATTERNS and are the Root cause for All Suffering and Inequality on Earth.

I commit myself to SHOW that PARENTS are the PATTERNS that INFACT Create the CHARACTER of this WORLD.” – Bernard Poolman*

 

Self Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for wanting to get someone’s attention to ‘see my stuff’ and in that moment already going into the fear of ‘they are not going to like it/ they will simply stand up and leave/ they will say they like it out of compromise’ and essentially self-sabotaging that single moment of inviting others to see something I’ve done with future projections of failing at getting their attention, which is how and why I have become resilient to share myself, in fear of not being ‘welcomed’ the way that I expected.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to share myself with the condition of ‘it must be praised/ liked/ revered’ by others, otherwise I won’t share it at all, wherein my sharing is not unconditional, but already expecting a positive experience and outcome out of it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how the entire starting point of me ‘creating something’ is and had been mostly in order to show it and be able to be praised about it, or causing an experience within another, instead of allowing myself to just share it unconditionally, with no expectations toward it and a such not taking it personal or judging the fact that people can walk out, not say any feedback at all or simply dislike it and that is still okay, as a I cannot control the outcome and reactions that will be experienced in such moments.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create an expectation toward getting my father’s attention to watch a video that I made and believing that ‘he will love it’ and expecting the best case scenario from the get go mixed with fear of him just not getting to see the whole thing, standing up and leaving, which is what eventually happened – allowing me to then go into the victimized state of ‘he doesn’t want to see what I created’ and making a mental note of ‘not ever sharing anything with him again, he’s not interested,’ and within that severing a point of communication in terms of sharing what ‘I do’ with my parents, creating a rift toward my father and my own doings, deeming my stuff to be simply ‘not relevant’ for him which in a child’s mind translates into: I am not worthy of their attention/ I am not good enough/ entertaining enough for him to remain watching/ I should have done something different to capture his attention’ – which are all backchat statements based on thinking and believing that the problem was ‘me,’ when in fact the reason why he stood up and left is not based on ‘what I showed him,’ but his own personal decision to simply stand up and leave and within this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personal when someone stands up and leaves the room wherein I was showing them something and believing that I simply wasn’t good enough to capture their attention, without realizing it’s not about me or what I do, but a single decision the person made in that moment to leave.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel excited the moment that I was able to capture his attention wherein from this positive starting point, I try to keep the ‘excitement’ and positive attitude on top while actually feeling anxious and fearing that he simply won’t be able to stand/ go through the entire thing, and even thinking ‘if he doesn’t enjoy it, he’ll just stand up and leave,’ which became a reality at the end.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become fully stiff and anxious and nervous while he’s watching because of fearing that he’ll just stand up and leave, which had been a trademark of his, that I actually feared having to experience myself with my own work and sharing something with him.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exist in such point of fear of ‘him leaving the room,’ and eventually manifesting it, confirming my own ‘future projections,’ without realizing how I simply had sentenced myself to my own words and supporting the co-creation of a moment wherein all I became was this ‘hope’ of him not leaving the room, eventually confirming that my hope was not a solution and that he ended up leaving the room anyways.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to get irritated at him for him standing up of the couch and beginning to arrange things, picking up the garbage and dusting off the cushions while the video is playing, only confirming what I was expecting him to do: standing up from the couch, finding something to do around while he plans to escape the scene/ room in a silent manner.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exist as the fear ‘he’s not into it,’ and as such while being nervous and anxious about him eventually leaving, not being here breathing but only becoming this one point of hope and observance that is almost ensuring how things will unfold without having even gone through the actual events – yet eventually experimenting it as we are the ones that are creating our reality according to the words we accept and allow ourselves to exist as.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into a negative experience the moment that he left the room, feeling defeated and essentially declaring that I would give-up on any further attempt to get his attention on my work, which became a sentence that I realized I was in fact just saying out of spitefulness because I eventually realized I could have not taken the point personally.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to in that moment when seeing him leaving the room without saying anything, think ‘I won’t show him anything again,’ referring to my creative work and how I simply deemed in that moment that Nothing I would do would be of his interest, which was a rather all encompassing statement that in no way supports an actual realization of, first of all, not taking things personally and secondly assisting and supporting myself to see how I victimized myself there in that moment, holding on to the grudge of that memory, instead of working it with and explaining how I reacted, why I reacted and as such establish a proper communication that is not based only on short-sentences that generate an experience of ‘I am here’ and as such create bonds that in no way are of actual communication, but instead becomes another protocol type of communication that never really supports children to fully open up, because the father/ mother is not really ready to give its full to do so for their children.

 

Self Corrective statements:

When and as I see myself wanting to get someone’s attention to ‘see my stuff’ and in that moment already going into the fear of ‘they are not going to like it/ they will simply stand up and leave/ they will say they like it out of compromise’ and essentially self-sabotaging that single moment of inviting others to see something I’ve done with future projections of failing at getting their attention, which is how and why I have become resilient to share myself, in fear of not being ‘welcomed’ the way that I expected – I stop and I breathe, I realize that I am being conditional with me sharing myself wherein I am only seeking self-satisfaction as instant-gratification instead of sharing unconditionally without expecting anything in advance.

 

I realize that the only reason why I would want to get someone’s attention is because I haven’t allowed myself to give such attention to myself first, wherein then a negative experience and the choice of not sharing myself ever again comes as a spiteful mode for not having acquired the attention that I initially craved. Who I am as breath here is able to share without any drive of self-interest nor an expectation waiting to be fulfilled – who I am is constant here as the interaction that is able to be directed here as breath without any mind-interference of self interest.

 

When and as I see myself creating a positive experience when I do get people’s attention toward what I am doing, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is me just satisfying the attention seeker character that would have reacted in the opposite manner if such attention had not been given the way I expected – thus I see and realize how my beingness in the moment is/ was defined according to others, instead of me remaining constant and consistent without shifting into further mind-dimensions of self-interest.

 

When and as I see myself defining my starting point of creation according to creating a positive experience within me and within others, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am compromising myself within this very mechanism of positive experience upon expression wherein expression is no longer unconditional, but suiting a particular character that seeks energy as attention to keep existing.

 

When and as I see myself defining an entire point of interaction with another based on a ‘bad experience’ as defined by the ego of the mind in relation to not getting enough attention/ sufficient energy to continue a positive experience, I stop and I breathe – I realize that what I am defining as a point of separation or severing a relationship is in fact a spiteful action taken on by myself as the mind that will now go into the opposite polarity as the negative experience for not having gotten enough attention/ energy to keep a particular character – such as the attention seeker – running. Thus I allow myself to simply continue sharing myself unconditionally without wanting to ‘get’ an experience from another, but simply aligning myself to an equal and one physical stance wherein whether someone is interested in watching or not is not relevant any longer, as who I am is and can’t be defined according to other’s opinions, judgments and experiences created upon my own expression.

 

I assist and support myself to remain here as the physical breath whenever I share myself in any form with others, wherein I stop any expectations of either a positive or negative feedback as that clearly creates a point of expectation that is not required as all that I express myself as in the moment is what I am existing as in the moment – and that cannot be ‘good’ or ‘bad’ or ‘right’ or ‘wrong,’ but it’s a simple mirror and tool of self-reflection to get to know myself and as such support myself to See Me. If from this sharing others can support themselves as well in any aspect/ way = cool, yet it doesn’t define the point of expression in itself any longer.

 

When and as I see myself into the giving up mode of ‘I will never show anything to him/her/ them again’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am reacting according to not having fulfilled a character in my mind. Thus, I stop the self-victimization of deciding to ‘not share myself again’ and allow myself to share unconditionally that which I see assists and supports me – therefore I am the one that is responsible for the point of expression in order to reflect back on it and in self-honesty be able to decide whether this is in fact supporting me or not. I direct myself to self-forgive the moment or reaction if it emerges in the moment that another is not ‘paying attention’ to what I say/ do as I realize that this has been a reason for me to keep quiet/ become isolated, just because of thinking, believing and perceiving that just because someone did not want to hear me = no one ever will.

 

When and as I see myself feeling anxious and nervous upon wondering what others have to say in relation to something I created, I stop and I breathe – I realize that such anxiety is stemming from expecting either the worse or the best and as such keeping me in a friction and unnecessary expectation, without realizing that who I am here as every moment of breath does not require to be expecting the next moment with any experience, as it comes breath by breath – thus any further value given to words in separation of myself here as the physical body must be re-assessed to see how I have defined such words as positive assessment or negative assessment.

 

When and as I see myself going into a negative experience for someone remaining silent when I am sharing something, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I have associated silence with a negative input instead of realizing that being expecting something out of another is already placing a condition in me sharing myself – thus I simply allow myself to share in the moment, without any expectation – yet also ensuring that the message is clear and asking questions if pertinent about it, instead of just complying to the silence and creating backchat about it instead of directing it in the moment, facing what Is see and cross referencing it with the person/ people involved in such moment.

 

I realize that most of the problems and even wars in our world and reality have been built around misunderstandings that, because they were not clearly and directly spoken, they grew into major conflicts that were able to apparently only be solved through wars and further conflicts, without realizing that such misunderstanding could have in fact been talked through and arranged in a way wherein we are in fact able to come to an agreement of what’s best for all. This is thus speaking in general terms of communication and how silence or physical attitudes had become these ‘indicators’ of something not being ‘alright’ – however, we are the only ones that have decided what is alright and what is not alright according to worth and value of the mind, which is how we have made of our reality a polarized concoction of opinions fighting to get on top of each other, instead of considering the physical reality in common sense at all times, which actually simplifies the points to a self-evident correction that can only be neglected and/or deliberately denied if we are only willing to continue supporting the ‘who we are’ as mind systems of opinions, judgments, beliefs and experiences that in no way have supported life in Equality.

 

As a general suggestion it is to assess ourselves whenever we are sharing or being the ones on the receiver’s ‘end’ and check our reactions, if we go into a fidgety mode, or restlessness or plain mind judgment, to get ourselves back here in the physical wherein we can ‘come back to our senses’ and realize that we are in fact sharing a moment with another being that is sharing themselves unconditionally, and that us shoving away that opportunity to do so will create consequences not only within them but as a general statement of separation that we create in that moment stemming only from our own mind-limitation that in no way regards life in equality, but can only create such separation if there is a ego-perspective to defend, a mind’s desire to fulfill.

 

I assist and support me to walk my process and identify such moments in my day to day living, to ensure that I do not repeat this separation within me, nor do I become the one that denies or shoves away another’s expression in means of fulfilling the desires of the mind in the moment.

 

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