Tag Archives: behavioral traits

618. Being Taken for a Ride vs. Taking the Wheel and Driving Yourself

Or learning how to slow down, calm down and get out of anxious ingrained ways of behaving.

I’ve been becoming more and more aware of the very – very – ingrained aspects in me that have become so much so ‘how I am’ and ‘my nature’ that I had overlooked, that I hadn’t directly intervened because, in a way, I had not been aware of it as much, or had not seen it as something that would ‘affect’ others, because in my mind I was just being ‘the best I can be’… but is it really? Lol

We were discussing in today’s group chat  about the addictive nature that we create towards our emotions – or feelings – and how we have to directly intervene and direct ourselves, actually take the wheel whenever we are being ‘driven’ by something and it’s not us driving, sitting at the wheel and directing where we want to go and who we want to be in every moment of our lives.

The word autopilot is a keyword for me whenever I see I am in such kind of ‘addictive’ patterns which interestingly enough do not involve actually ‘doing’ something in particular hat I am addicted to – but more like a state of being. The reality is that I had not questioned this ‘way of being’ as much before and I am quite thankful that I have someone in my life that is daring to point out all of the various – many – times when I go into this ‘antsy’mode,  yes, a rushing-mode, almost like a state of being where I constantly have to be ‘on the run’ to do something even if I don’t actually have to.

I’ve noticed how I am blind to this for some months now and it is quite shocking at times that if it wasn’t because of my partner saying ‘hey, sloooow doooown’ or ‘what’s the rush?’ or ‘caaalm doooown’ and holding me for a moment – lol – I would not be as aware of it because of being so used to doing things in ‘fast mode’ and it has been so much of ‘my way of being’ that I’ve seen it as part of my traits, a good trait in fact to be ‘always on time’, being fast, accurate, efficient, etc. Nothing wrong with those words though! But I definitely know WHO I am when I am living those words through this energy-driven mode, which actually happens when I consider I am on autopilot mode and being taken for a ride by these ingrained lifelong ‘ways of being’ which I am quite aware I copied from my parents as well.

So, during today’s chat I brought up the analogy of how we have to be more directive in taking the wheel and driving ourselves, directing ourselves to what we want to do and how we want to live those moments, instead of riding in the back of the car and ‘being taken for a ride’ without any awareness of our state of being, of how we may be going down ‘the same old road’ that we know leads nowhere but sabotage, despair, inaction or just problems without solution.

If I look at myself as a back rider, I don’t have to pay attention or decide which way to go or be fully knowing where I am going or how to get there, I’m just being ‘driven’ by something or someone else. Being in the driver’s seat requires my full attention, full awareness on every single detail from how to operate the car, the direction, the way to get there, the timing, the traffic, other cars, fuel, …. Etc. Yes, yes, eventually that also becomes ‘automated’ but the point here is to understand the difference of riding in the backseat within ourselves and in our minds where we just ‘repeat’ ourselves in addictive states of being and experiences that we no longer question – even if we know we are compromising our lives and that of others in one way or another with our actions or inactions – and how we can instead remind ourselves to be the driver, the one that directs, that is intervening directly on the way to go, that tests out new routes if the ‘same old ones’ are leading us to places and states of being that we know are detrimental to our lives. It requires such responsibility of deciding to take the wheel, it’s not limiting, it is expansive.

I was actually discussing that with my partner recently, and we were wondering about how there’s many people that prefer to do the least or stay the same because it seems ‘easier’ or ‘more comfortable’ when in fact, doing the most and pushing to do the best, and developing discipline and adding new challenges to our lives is the one thing that makes one grow the most. This is a bit out of topic but we also talked about how most relationships get into big problems right after the honey moon phase, and that’s because everyone starts the relationship or even prepares to ‘get the person’ by becoming the ‘best version of themselves’ for a moment, to impress, to attract the other person and so ‘play safe’ as they say, meaning they appear to be nice, loving, hard working, kind, responsible, adamant, etc. And once that the ‘prey has been caught’ as in establishing a relationship with each other, bam! The reality – the real-reality unfortunately – of each other comes out in full force, because it becomes quite difficult to maintain a façade of being better than ‘one actually is.’ It is unfortunate thought that this ‘how one actually is’ means the worst version of ourselves, but hey we are here to become aware of these accepted patterns in society and be able to change them.

That’s when people start to ‘show their true colors’ and embark themselves in endless fights with destructive behavior towards one another because one or the other – or both – are not really who they ‘appeared’ to be. Whereas, as he shared, he conceived a relationship as a point of responsibility that would actually, yes, be more demanding and a point of responsibility, but for the best. I like this approach as well because it definitely means one has to intervene, to change, to adapt, to upgrade, to become the driver, to actually truly use that relationship as an opportunity to become in fact a better person, and this is what I’m focusing on.

It is for me –a person that has dedicated some 10 years of her life to develop self-awareness and such – quite a shocker at times to see these very ingrained patterns of rushing, being ‘antsy’ as in wanting things fast, now, being very demanding and exigent with others or within a situation… very controlling to say the least. It’s great that there’s a person that can say ‘yes I knew you were like that, but I decided to be with you anyways’, because this has opened up the possibility for me to become aware of my patterns, to not take it personally or see it as ‘faulty’ or wrong things within me – even if I get shocked at times by it – I do remind myself why I am the way I am, I know my background at home, I am aware how I picked up all of these ‘ways of being’ from both my parents in general, I know there’s nothing or no one to blame but to take responsibility for it myself now. And what assists a lot is to be able to see a person first hand on how they deal with the same situation in such a different way, with calm, patience, in a more ‘chilled’ manner, because that’s precisely the example I didn’t have at home, but now I do in a way so, that’s for the best because one can then look at ways in which the person acts and behaves and learn from how it can be done, test out at least if it works for me to act differently in situations where I would usually be in antsy mode.

Another point is that, at first, when he would point out these things to me, there was a slight reaction of ‘How dare you say that to Me?’ lol, yes because I had this big ego idea of being the one that is working on self, that is a ‘very self-aware person’, but I had to immediately take the guard down and put on my humbleness shoes and admit myself to see what he was saying and picking up from my attitude, and reflect back to say ‘yes, it is so, that’s what I’m doing in fact’ and within that, start realizing the many aspects that I had no way of ‘cross-checking’ before because there had been no one that dared to question those ways of being before, because in my mind I was just being ‘the best’ to my ability – but I had overlooked the tension, the anxiety, the rushing, the impatience that usually accompanies that ‘dutiful’ and ‘disciplined’ manner I can have a times, so that’s not a way to live those words.

So, because I am grateful for having that in my life currently, the least I can do is to share that as well with people I consider I have the ability to give feedback to. Sometimes people might react to it, but at least I’ve said it, it is then something they can look at or throw away. My responsibility is to test out the waters and see with whom I can give that kind of feedback – who is open for it – and where to ‘keep shut’ because at times, yes,  I do tend to be too ‘intervening’ with others – to say it in one way, lol – and some people do get genuinely offended by my questions about what their experience might be in a moment. I can only learn from it, just like with everything. But for now I stick to having that opening of feedback with my partner and also at times with my mother, who actually gives that ‘in the moment’ feedback based on very subtle behaviors that can only be picked up by someone that has been ‘there’ seeing you growing for most of your life – yep, it is so, she nails it every time, so I at times still deny it but that’s when I know I am suppressing something – so, now I’m learning to admit it and be willing to open up about it.

We all can do this no matter what kind of interaction with others we have. Even if it’s only one or a few people you relate to on a daily basis, each interaction with each kind of person can assist us to see more of ourselves. Some may give direct feedback, some may not dare to say it, but we can always cross-reference our experiences with them to take note of what created a subtle ‘shock’ in us, meaning, a moment where something just didn’t ‘feel right’ or ‘sit right’ and made us react, or where we saw that others reacted, so that we can cross-reference how one acted in such moments.

But, I must say that by being alone or being with a person that is not daring to say straight feedback to me would have created more ‘untold’ reactions and consequences, a longer road for me to realize: “man, this is affecting other’s experience around me, I need to chill out, I need to slow down, I need to stop being so controlling, I need to stop being so exigent and ‘right-here-right-now’ type of demanding person that I’ve become.’ So, my suggestion – very personal – if you are the kind of person that is ready for full on – and in your face- feedback about our bits here and there that we need to change or become aware of, then align with people in your life that are on the same page and will take nothing personal about it, but instead be grateful for that kind of communication, because it is something I appreciate a lot, something I kind of longed for in a relationship so, I aligned with someone that would be in the same page of how to take feedback and work with it. 

And yes, at times a hug or a simple point of touch can assist me to ground myself in those moments – yes it may sound like I have some kind of mental problem that needs to be ‘calmed down’ with a pat on the back, lol! – But! I’ve found it is actually supportive to make it that physically visible for me, because it becomes a very visible to myself and others, like a wake up call of ‘Holy crap! I’ve been in autopilot just running the ‘rushy mode’ or the ‘antsy mode’ or ‘bossy mode’ and now I got my wake up call.

Now the point is not to create dependency or even a sort of a ‘relationship dynamic’ to always have to be calmed down or pointed out that I am rushing or I am being demanding, or that I need to chill out. Nope, the point is to be able to direct myself so that I can in fact stand up to my standards which I tend to project onto others or situations outside of myself. If I am indeed exigent, I need to be congruent and apply that to myself first. So I can apply the word in being exigent to no longer have to be told that I need to chill out and slow down, but step into the driver’s seat to direct myself, so that my interaction can also open up to seeing more of myself within the interactions that I have with my partner and others in my life.

All I can share at the moment is to be able to – or dare – to create an agreement with someone that you are close with to say the facts about what one is seeing in another. Sometimes I just say things and I completely assume and misread the situation, but it’s ok, no one takes it personally, I’m just clarified about the situation and I learn to ask things differently instead of asking within assumption. Sometimes I assume too much and don’t communicate, that is usually the worst, so I take that step to ask directly and go creating that confidence to have that open communication with someone in the bits that we notice about one another, and know that we are made aware of these things not as a judgment or a point to be spiteful about, but as things that we know we can become aware of, discuss and decide to change within ourselves.

So how am I changing it? By ensuring I am not tensing up my body when doing things, being ok with not ‘having to be doing’ something I’ve defined as ‘productive’ all the time and enjoying a simple moment of eating, walking outside, watching something in the internet that is for fun or entertainment, to enjoy seemingly ‘silly’ conversations – lol – to become creative in what I can make for food, to remind myself I don’t have to pressure myself to do things, but simply do them, without the energy-rush. To remind myself that whenever I feel like I want to go home already when being outside, it is merely a habit because there is nothing really ‘pressing’ for me to be at home for most of the times, it’s just a habit that tends to kick in as a mode of rushing to get back to some kind of ‘comfort zone.’ Also to not demand to others to act in what I believe is ‘the best way’ because some people are just not up for it and will react to it, and I have to be ‘ok’ with it no matter how it may make common sense – I tend to do this with strangers, not a good idea, so learning to read the different situations better, lol.

So this is about changing the way I live the moments, because in my case it’s about the inner experience, how I become tense within my body when doing things or when knowing I have to get to do something and putting some kind of extra pressure that is Not needed at all. I simply have to take the wheel and direct myself to do it. It is about removing this almost addictive ‘stress’ that I’ve become so used to carrying – shall I say burdening myself with – which comes through in the way I move and express which seems a bit too ‘fast’ or ‘erratic’ at times for some, lol, I do laugh at being calmed down in such moments, but I do need to become more aware of this so as to not make it a part of my personality, because I know my body is not at ease when being in that mode. It happens because I am ‘up there’ in the autopilot – whereas I know when I am here, stable, directive – there’s actually calm, a slowness, an ‘everything is alright’ within me – which is not a sense of delusion, but an actual cross reference of walking my day according to what I have to do and so de-pressuring from the ‘burdening’ sense of rush that I have tended to attach to things.

Ok, so that’s my take on this current point of awareness of where I need to take the driver’s seat and not be ‘driven’ constantly by the rush-mode or have to be driven by someone else to the point of becoming aware of it. So it’s cool to have a cross-reference outside, yes, but then to take the wheel and not become dependent on that to change. Yes, this is part of the result of applying the Desteni support and the Eqafe recordings, some of which I will also share down here so that you can start gearing up to this ongoing process in everyone’s life on Earth. Sonrisa

 

 

How Much More Your Body Language is Saying – Body Language

Self Presentation and the Truth of You – Body Language

 

And my friend Anna’s vlog, which I could relate a lot to:

WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT IN LIFE?

Slow motion

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE

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