Or how to live the words creative authority to change that which no longer suits the person I want to be and express
I find it very interesting to see the kind of contradictions that I’ve been ‘subtly’ living in when considering that in principle “I stand for what’s best for all life, the real expression of life in everything we are and do” – however I found myself at the same time making of these statements a sort of rigid imposition upon myself in my own life, which at the same time ends up being a form of projection through which I would go judging the rest of the world as people’s lives and decisions that I would become aware of.
What does that mean? I turned these principles into a dogma for myself in my own life, where a dose of self-limitation and ‘self-denial’ ensued, where I just could not fathom myself being capable of ‘enjoying’ life and actually having a ‘good life’ where I can express and be ‘happy’ because of the belief that I somehow had to endure a ‘tough time,’ or ‘have it difficult’ in life, a form of self-imposed necessary suffering at the same rate that ‘most of the people in the world are experiencing’ in my perception, which I’ve explained in the previous blogs.
Though here I’m diving into this notion of authority and righteousness as ‘energized words’ lived through the idea of myself as a ‘virtuous person’ that lives in ‘self-denial’ and ‘self-limitation’ and perceiving that to be an ‘honorable’ example… now that’s the actual contradiction that I had been living in – still am to a certain extent – and that I have yet to completely breakthrough from as well.
For example, yesterday I was talking to myself – yes I tend to do that when I want to clarify something that is slightly ‘bothering me’ or that triggers an underlying discomfort in me – and this emerged upon seeing that in reality when being with myself and others, I am quite an expressive person, I have no qualms in my personal interactions with others – yet, when it comes to looking at the ‘persona’ I’ve created of myself in social media for example, I definitely have limited my ability to express myself in sharing more of myself, my expression, my enjoyment, because of judging them as ‘vain’/vanity, not ‘important’ for the world, not ‘relevant’ or ‘selfish’ in some way, yet it is what I would actually like to start doing because that’s where I see the ‘spark of life’ in myself existing for the most part and that I’ve refrained myself from openly sharing about it because of seeing it as futile, no point in it, ‘too superficial’, and the list of judgments goes on… so what am I actually judging here? My own real and genuine expression at ‘others’ eyes’ in an environment such as ‘social media’.
I was reflecting as well on the role I created for myself in my mind in the past years, creating or making of myself a personality that stands as a form of ‘authority’, that is very serious, that does not ‘fool around’ with what I would judge as ‘menial stuff’, which is how I would judge others sharing more about their immediacy, their day to day living, being more vulnerable about it all – whereas I took myself almost as a ‘political figure’ that could not ‘reduce’ myself to that kind of sharing, which I am in realizing would in fact represent the vivid, tangible and more realistic form of change that can exist at this stage in our lives: in our day to day living, in the ‘small moments’ and the ‘details’ of our life experience that I have many times intended to share unconditionally – but! Myself as the ‘authoritarian persona’ that I’ve become would always reply back with words like ‘nah, that’s not relevant, that would be too vain, who cares? What’s the point of sharing something like that? It’s not going to change the world!’ And in that becoming my own limitation to sharing the kind of more spontaneous and uninhibited expressions which to me was a ‘no go’ because of fear of losing a certain idea of myself as this super-serious individual that is all about ‘politics’ and ‘world system change’ and forming a certain aura of ‘rigidity’ around me that I am frankly not able to relate to nowadays, because I have been significantly changing my perspective about life, myself, what I want to be, do and express and what I had ‘been all about’ before.
So! The word that came up yesterday for me was Reinventing myself, which is something that I’ve been doing while painting and seeing how can I start breaking through the ‘usual’ ways and stuff I painted before and not be afraid to entirely paint over something and start from scratch or ‘reinvent’ something that I had done before within a new ‘air’ or expression that I would have not defined as ‘myself’ or ‘my own’ or whatever else I would limit/define ‘me’ to be.
I’ve also seen how I was trapped by my own authoritarianism as a form of belief and rigidity as a ‘role’ of myself I have kept in my own mind. Of course it wasn’t anyone else but myself that did this to me, my own ideas, beliefs and perceptions of ‘who I had to be at the eyes of others’ and what my apparent ‘role’ in it all was… but who placed such tags/labels onto myself? I did! And so I realized how this ability to reinvent myself was also greatly inspired in the past two days by the interview How to Stop Overcomplicating Redefining & Living Words – The Crucifixion of Jesus – Part 106 wherein I got to for the first time hear the term ‘creative authority’ which means realizing that whatever I decide to live as change, I am responsible for it, for the outflows of my creation and embrace such change as entirely my own, my decision, my direction, entirely responsible for it – which is actually quite empowering and damn liberating.
This enabled me to see that I was and had been the only one placing myself in a certain ‘rigid’ position within an ‘idea’ that I wanted to project to others about ‘who I am,’ which might have been relevant in the past years, but not any longer and I am frankly quite happy to be going back to my ‘roots’ which actually have to do a lot more with expression in itself and being my own ‘creative authority’ in it, to not limit myself into a particular ‘label’ or ‘type of person’ I believed myself to ‘have to be’ or ‘take on’ as a position, and instead let loose, let go of the ‘what will other people say if I am not appearing the same way I was portraying myself to be?’
It’s very interesting because before I would say ‘Nah, I don’t’ really care about what others say or think about me,’ but this point really opened up for myself to see how I was in fact still giving too much attention to ‘how others see me’ within the realm of the internet, social media, the ‘persona’ I became that I certainly was existing as in the past, but change is here and I cannot relate to ‘that me’ any longer. I can only take ‘what’s best’ from that persona I became and direct myself to reinvent me and defining what that practically means, what kind of expressions are integrated within me that I can realistically look at?
As I write this, man! There’s an actual like stiffness in my stomach area, very subtle, but there, like an experience of nooooo! Don’t do it! As if I was going to actually ‘lose’ something of myself, but I can only fear losing that which wasn’t ‘real’ in the first place, that which stands as a point of self-definition and so limitation in my own mind. Therefore it’s time for me to expand, to change, to diversify, to test uncharted grounds, to do what I had resisted doing without fearing ‘losing my ground’ or ‘appearing vain’ or whatever else I had judged myself to be if and when sharing something I defined as ‘non important’ within the context of ‘world change’ type of thing. So here redefining what I define as me walking my process of change and entirely taking it back to self, to consider me, my expression, the detail and subtle changes that I want to share about instead of believing I have to only focus on sharing particular kinds of information or ‘stuff’ that suits this idea of me within a particular idea/belief of myself as a form of ‘authority’ of sorts ‘towards others,’ instead of first standing fully as my own authority, creative authority.
I got to also talk to myself about the following realization: changing the world will not only come from politics or world-system change, real change will come from people like me that decide to get real about who we are, our expression, that decide to be vulnerable, to actually dare to express and live life in the way that we’d like many more to live it, to break-free from our self-imposed limitations as well and live fear-free, because that’s then what I genuinely would like to see existing in this world and that’s where I am aware I can contribute to in fact be an example – as a part of the whole – that can implement that in my life, with what I am, what I have, in my environment and let go of our own ‘limiting personalities’ for once and for all.
So what words do I see included in the term ‘reinventing myself’ at the moment? Spontaneity, freedom, daring to start over, ‘painting over’, taking risks, taking the unknown paths, comfort in exposing/sharing my expression, simplicity, being vulnerable, innocence, enjoyment in expression… and many more to come 🙂
I recommend checking out more about this ‘feel’ of words that we may be lacking when it comes to looking at ‘redefining’ words as explained in this awesome audio: The Consciousness of the Orange Clownfish
Thanks for reading
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