124. Who am I within ‘Wanting to be Alone’?

It is clear that it is a mind possession what we go through when desiring or fearing something. Wanting to be alone is just the polarity of actually fearing to be alone and as such, creating a pattern of desire and suppression as fear within events that I then define according to this single character as ‘The Loner.’

If we look at ourselves as society, we all eventually hit this spot of secluding ourselves within a constant desire or fear to be with another, fearing establishing relationships and at the same time desiring to be with others.

We have become so conflictive in our minds that we can structure an entire game of self-interest wherein all that exists is our personal benefit: ‘Oh I want to be alone/ Oh I want to be with another’ – and where’s Life in all that? Where is an actual Self-Agreement that we can consider as an actual point of Self Support that is not dependent on ‘external points’ such as people, environment and situations to  define who we are.

 

I realize throughout this exploration of ‘the loner’ that I have mostly danced around a desire to experience myself in a different way in relation to having company or not, which is then deliberately seeking to play a character that we can become for a moment and establish that as ‘who we are:’ I am alone or I am not alone anymore – and that’s it. And in that we can build and create a thousand events and stories wherein we revolve around a constant friction and conflict in relation to one single point, while everything that we are as human beings that breathe and that require to consider that there is much more than one single point of desire or fear that we trap ourselves into when believing ourselves to be these thoughts in our head, that later on become actual actions that we ‘give life’ to literally, as all actions based on desires or fear are in fact not based on a practical and common sensical consideration of who we are as individuals that exist in a physical biosphere  that we have abused when seeking only to satisfy our hopes, dreams and desires that we sometimes do not even realize we are ‘living for’ because we tend to make it ‘ok’ to keep one single piece of heaven in our pocket, without realizing that such heaven has always been an illusion,  a sugary thought that we keep just because it makes us feel content for a moment – yet it has no substance as a practical living consideration wherein we actually become beings that are able to consider another as an actual equal and one part of ourselves – instead we antagonize and desire each other, like strangers that cannot conceive that we are in fact one and equal.

 

Back to the question:

Who am I within ‘Wanting to Be Alone’?

It is just a character of self manipulation that is designed to actually activate the absolute opposite as a strong desire to create a relationship when and as the ‘conditions’ apply, which is once again a character that seeks to upgrade itself into a ‘completeness’ when being with another/ others, eventually creating yet another form of separation from that avoidance to be with others to an absolute dependency toward others – never in fact seeing and realizing that self is here as one and equal and as such, it is to step out of these limited versions of ourselves: struggling to be with others, yet wanting to be with others and in that just rocking back and forth like in a ping pong match wherein there is no actual ability to win or lose as none of the points are in fact ‘real’ – as we are never in fact all alone yet we cannot ‘complete’ ourselves with another either.

 

So this is a point of Self Honesty wherein we realize how we have created characters to stand as a form of entertainment and conflict to only exist up there in our minds, thinking why we would rather be alone or why we would want to be with another – and where is the rest? It’s simply out of the picture as we become possessed with one single point only, going in circles chasing after each pole instead of actually allowing ourselves to stop, breathe and look for a moment what it is in reality that we are whining about: is this character in any way supporting me to actually take on the practical considerations within this physical world that I require to do.

 

It is rather ludicrous how we have become the characters to such an extent that there are moments wherein we cannot apparently see beyond the fog, yet we are always here, breathing, an entire physical body keeping ourselves alive while we consume ourselves with emotions or feelings that we accept as ‘who we are.’ This is then how we have to consider how to stand one and equal as the mind to become self directive as the mind, so that everything we participate in our day to day, moment by moment reality is no longer the type of prefab limitations such as ‘the loner’ characters that only exist as the limited version that we accepted and allowed ourselves to consume ourselves with.

 

It’s definitely time to live, and by living at this stage it is to stop participating in all characters that we have created as the surrogate versions of ourselves, living for us just because we were too frightened to even consider that there is another way to exist.

I have realized how the participation in the mind is the point that becomes an addictive experience, believing that it is ‘perfectly normal’ to have some type of mind-discomfort translated as an actual pathology that we accept as ‘real’ such as ‘being a loner,’ which is just a delusion I cultivated in order to create my own character to entertain myself with – not necessary.

I have seen and realized how there is an actual fear to stop participating in our ‘personal favorites’ such as usual behavioral patterns that backup the idea of ‘who we are’ in our minds. It’s almost like an aberration to the mind the moment that we do not participate in emotions and feelings and that is an actual point of self-movement, wherein we stop acting out on that which we saw as ‘usual’ within us when the necessary conditions/ context would present itself to then look into our character wardrobe and decide what type of conflictive or pleasing ‘nature’ we want to play out in such moment, never ever realizing or considering the point of abuse that this represents.

So, it’s cool to see and realize how this character was just another way to keep me entertained in my tunnel vision in relation to myself and others

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself to a single character in my mind such as ‘The Loner’ character wherein I reduce an entire moment of who I am as flesh to one single ‘self’ that wants/ needs/ desires or rejects being with others and creating a positive or negative energetic churning and sparks about it, which is absolutely delusional to exist as a default experience that in no way assists as support me to be here as breath, physically living and considering where and how I have to direct myself to support me to actually consider how I can be and become an example of what it means to live the word: Equality as Life wherein no reaction or wavering exists when the decision to Live is done and placed in motion by ourselves,  I commit myself to LIVE as that is what we have not yet done/been in fact throughout our existence here: Life in Equality and Oneness

 

I see and realize that because we have all existed in our personal-limitations we have only feared actually getting to know each other because we have even feared establishing an equal and one relationship with ourselves, because we had not considered ourselves ‘enough’ but were actually waiting for something o someone to ‘fill in the void’ and because in our minds not just ‘anything’ can play that role. This is how we become hermits and loners to not have to actually realize that we were protecting ourselves from the actual opportunity of communicating and interacting with others as equals, which implies we cannot generate any positive or negative experience about it, but simply get used to and learn how to live and interact without any emotional or feeling input in order to assess it as ‘being actually living.’

This is how we break the addictive pattern of generating any positive or negative experience upon being alone or being with others as I then instead decide to remain here as breath.

This is the actual fear: just being here, in simplicity – how ludicrous it is – yet it makes ‘perfect sense’ as in the mind we’re always having to be bounding from one side to the other in order to keep ourselves ‘alive’ as the ‘who I am’ of/as the mind. Not necessary.

Alone is what I exist as here, as a physical breathing human body – yet I am a cell that is part of the whole that functions in unison. Right now we’re not Sound enough in our living – thus I align myself to live as the physical which means: no more powering up experiences that I entertain myself within my mind, living here as breath is like living rehab for the very first real time, giving our physical the breaths that we missed when searching for our next greatest hit. Time to live our commitment to live in and as simplicity in every breath here.

 

“We are not alone in this. And no ONE alone will change the world.”
– Bernard Poolman 

 

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For further review on ‘The Loner’ Character:

• 119. Oddity: Please, Leave Me Alone
• 120. ‘I don’t like breaking my routine’
• 121. Childhood Anti-Social Behavior
• 122. ‘Is this as good as it gets?’
• 123. Home Alone: a Loner’s Paradise

 

Blogs that enable you to understand the 7 Year Journey To Life Commitment_

Day 124: TRUE ACTIVIST TEAMLIFE

How Thoughts Activate Personalities – Part 2 (Self-Commitments): DAY 124

 

GREAT Support my Marduk in these two interviews wherein I was able to see and realize the dedication to life required in order to LIVE this process day by day ensuring that we establish ourselves as the physical in the physical practical reality

Reptilians – Marduk and the Existential Mind (Part 1) – Part 81

Ever wondered what ‘black holes’?

Reptilians – Marduk and the Existential Mind (Part 2) – Part 82

123. Home Alone: a Loner’s Paradise

Do not disturb – an ideal external silence as a positive ideal fix for the mind that seeks to preserve itself as ‘the loner’ at all times.

Continuing from…

• 119. Oddity: Please, Leave Me Alone
• 120. ‘I don’t like breaking my routine’
• 121. Childhood Anti-Social Behavior
• 122. ‘Is this as good as it gets?’

Within ‘The Loner’ character in relation to the ideal of ‘home,’ there’s a particular point I have faced wherein it is not only ‘wanting to be at home’ in order to be ‘at ease/peace’ within me, but also wanting to be all alone in the house itself,  not wanting to have people around me, not listening to the chatter, laughter for extended periods of time, or music (that I don’t particularly like,) or just plain loud voices. I like to be at peace alone, wherein I know that no one will disturb me, there will be ‘no surprises’ as in having people suddenly yelling or screaming or shifting things around – in essence no disturbance, it’s all me. These are the thoughts of ‘the control freak’ character in relation to the ideal-experience of ‘being alone,’ which is certainly only a mind creation in relation to how I created this idea of freedom in my mind linked to not having anyone around me/ being alone – being without observers or noise makers at home.

The backchat around this point is the following, and it stems from the most prominent experience I have face in relation to living in a house with other beings wherein I have and still am facing myself with regards to this desire to ‘be alone/ be left alone’ at home and having no one around me.

I won’t be bothered with noises around me

No more crazy laughter

I’m going to be at last free

All space is for me

No disturbance or unpredictable visitors

If I could just be alone all the time

 

Self-Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a positive experience of weekends wherein I know that I will be alone at home, simply because of how I have made myself believe that being around others is something that bothers me and annoys me, which is all based on how I have defined my beingness according to people around me and in no way actually considering that who I am here as breath is constant and stable and that any other belief of being annoyed by noises/ people around me, is just part of how I programmed myself to always want to be alone/ always have a silent environment, because of linking noises to disturbance and as such, creating a negative experience within me whenever I do hear ‘noises’ which is is really an exaggeration to what extent I have become aware of another’s moves to the point wherein I can identify who gets home without looking out the window.

I realize that all these associations have been created at a mind level wherein I am expecting to be bothered by another’s voices, noises or simple presence due to how I have believed myself to be ‘more free’ when being absolutely alone and within a quiet environment.

When and as I see myself desiring the weekend to come to be alone already, I stop and I breathe – I support myself to realize that no matter who’s at home, I am here and breathing in the physical and who I am does not change according to being alone or with people – I direct myself to find the exact trigger point when this thought as a desire emerge to see where I am in fact separating myself from others as myself and my beingness as breath into an experience related to being alone or not that exists Only in my Mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate an apparent unpleasant experience within me when being around others, when people are in the house, which is just a consequential outflow of having defined me being alone at home as ‘me being free,’ me being ‘at ease’ – thus I realize that it is not about others in fact but about myself and how I have associated being home alone with a sense of ‘freedom’ in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get excited the moment that I know that the last person has left the house on Saturdays, which means  I can be ‘fully alone,’ which is just a mere association I have created within my mind with regards to ‘how’ I experience myself when being with others around me, instead of actually seeing and realizing that being alone or not must not change a single iota of who I am in every moment of breath.

When and as I see myself getting slightly excited about people leaving the house, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am creating a positive experience out of being alone only to later on create the opposite when they come back, thus I assist and support myself to breathe in and during the moment I hear the door closing and realizing that whether there is people around or not, I am here as breath.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be bothered by noises around me such as lousy music, laughter and/or the sound of glass bottles clashing against each other as this is all related to ‘people in a group’ that I have defined as lousy/noisy and bothering because of what it entails as a disturbance to my ‘perfect order’ as ‘my space’ that I have accepted and allowed myself to be possessed by, without realizing that this is in fact wanting to control others to only behave and be as silent as I want them to be at all times, just so that I don’t have to ‘be bothered’ with noises.

I realize that I have desired silence around as a‘perfect moment’ for myself, avoiding noises without realizing that I am the one that decides whether noise becomes something that ‘bothers me’ or not –

I realize that the laughter, the chatter and sound of bottles indicates a social reunion that I have programmed myself to loathe, simply because of linking it to drunken people that I have disliked due to the ‘disturbance’ they generate in a particular environment.

When and as I see myself reacting in irritation or anxiety when hearing more than the usual voices in the house as chatter, loud laughter, music and the sound of beer bottles clashing against each other, I stop and I breathe. I realize that me reacting to this is playing out the control-freak wherein I believe myself to be ‘the owner of the space’ and as such, not wanting to deal with any disturbance/ any additional ‘guests’ at home, because I have defined noise as disturbance. Thus I assist and support myself to simply focus on breathing and realizing that I cannot avoid people from laughing, talking, drinking or coming here – thus it is all about me supporting myself to stop all reactions and focus on doing whatever I is I am doing.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tense my body and become slightly anxious when I hear a group of people coming to the house, as I associate it with drinking and lots of people going to the toilet, which has also become part of the annoyance that I have allowed to preoccupy me in the moment, wherein I have justified my right to be ‘pissed off’ because of having more people at home, which is just quite an exaggeration from my side most of the times as the mind possession indicates itself to be.

 

When and as I see myself getting slightly anxious and reacting with tension because of hearing people coming to the house, I stop and I breathe – I direct myself to simply continue doing what I’m doing instead of creating all sorts of backchat and reactions toward others, because my backchat and reactions won’t make them ‘go away,’ thus I only abuse myself within stopping breathing here and allowing this mind possession of ‘loathing visitors’ at home. 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘at peace’ whenever there is no one home wherein I can ‘sing aloud’ without others having to hear me, which means that I have judged and suppressed my expression around others within the idea and belief that I do not have to bother them, just because of how I was taught to always be silent and quiet as a child – which is a justification really – thus believing that everyone must be equally silent and quiet at all times as a ‘norm’ of conviviality, which is just me wanting to impose ‘my own ways’ onto others a.k.a. wanting to control and manipulate another’s expression to suit my ‘standards of conviviality.’

When and as I see myself feeling at peace as a positive experience because of no one being around and being home alone, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this only exists because of me perceiving that I can now ‘be free’ to express myself, instead of seeing how I have imposed this limitation to myself due to the beliefs of me having to always be quiet and ‘not disturb others,’ which is why I have allowed myself to be disturbed by others within the consideration of them being ‘noisy’ – thus I assist and support myself to sing, express myself around others if I want to, without holding myself back as I see and realize that it is only fear of being judged what I am using as an excuse to not do so unconditionally.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to link the word ‘freedom’ to ‘being home alone,’ wherein I would feel at ease and just ‘free’ because of not having my space being ‘disturbed’ by others and also not having people to see what I do, which is all based on me then suppressing myself and hiding myself from others, which implies that I am still supporting a desire for privacy that has gotten ourselves in our world to abuse as one can only extremely so desire to be private about stuff wherein one can be involved in any form of abuse – thus I realize that this sense of freedom is in fact only linked to what I have defined as freedom in self-interest, and in no way does it point out to a reality of actual equality and oneness wherein no secrets exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider and associate parents as authority toward whom I had to ‘keep secrets’ in order to remain with a ‘good person’ character, without realizing to what extent my desire to fulfill a positive experience within me became a pattern of constantly desiring to be alone in order to have a ‘positive experience’ about my reality, that would only last for so long and that this in fact becomes just another desire and preferential point that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as.

When and as I see myself thinking that ‘freedom = being home alone,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that this stems from my initial desire to be and do something that would not be allowed or witnessed/ known by others, hence doing so when being home alone. Thus I assist and support myself to breathe at all times wherein whether I am alone or not, it does not influence who I am as my beingness in every moment of breath. I allow myself to express myself regardless of the noise that my movements entail, as it is part of moving in the physical world – I do not have to ‘tip toe’ around all the time.

 

I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have ‘my space’ so that I could do things that I knew were ‘secret’ to others and were linked to my idea of ‘freedom’ as in ‘I can do whatever I want,’ which comes as a positive polarity from the usual oppression existent within families and parents, wherein we as children after being told what to do and what not to do, seek for a way to ‘be free’ and this means having ‘no authority,’ which is why the idea of freedom as no observers and no authority consummates in my desire to be alone.

I realize that I have created this excuse to make sense of my single desire to have a positive experience that I have linked to ‘being alone’ – thus I take self responsibility for the patterns I created within me in relation to wanting to be alone at home.

When and as I see myself wanting to ‘have my space’ and being alone at home for an extended period of time I stop and I breathe – I realize that my desire for freedom is mostly linked to personal interests of secrecy and privacy – thus I direct myself to instead act and live in self honesty wherein I do not have to create a ‘separate moment’ for me to be ‘without stress’ when being around and with others.

I see and realize that this is a pattern from childhood wherein I would not want to play with other kids simply because of considering them as ‘too messy’ and clumsy for my ‘perfected ways’ of being, which is ludicrous since that would mean I’d have to live in a museum to not be ‘disturbed,’ and that is certainly not living. I realize that every time I react in annoyance, I am in fact indicating myself that I am up there in my mind possession and not here as life breathing.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get a negative experience out of knowing that people will be back home, which means I will stop being alone and as such linking being ‘with company at home’ to a ‘negative experience’ again, just to keep myself bound to the next moment wherein I will eventually get to be alone again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the backchat ‘If I could just be all alone all the time,’ which is actually a belief that I hold in order to create positive and negative experiences in relation to being with people or being alone, wherein I am not in fact considering the practicality of living  alone, for example, which would not be as beneficial in a world where sharing expenses makes like a lot easier – thus I realize that if I would follow my mind’s desires to be alone, I would have been in fact in an island because in this world we cannot possibly function being ‘alone,’ as no one is ever really ‘all alone.’ We walk our process individually, alone, yes – but the interactions and relationships that enable life are physically and intricately related a group, an organism –thus I stop my delirium of ‘wanting to be alone’ which is just a tantrum-throwing backchat in order to always be either waiting to be alone or creating a negative experience when being with more people at home.

When and as I see myself thinking that ‘I want to be alone at all times’ and having a negative experience because of seeing that other beings are coming back, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am the one that must deliberately remain here as breath so that being alone or with people does not define who I am, and instead I assist and support myself to remain here as the physical, as breath at all times.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to end up believing that ‘my perfect peace will be destroyed’ when others arrive, which is just a way to create a negative and positive experience within me when being alone or not

When and as I see myself thinking that ‘my perfect peace will be destroyed’ when seeing more people getting home, I stop and I breathe – I realize that ‘freedom’ as experienced when being alone is just a perception and as such, I direct myself to simply remain here constant and consistent as breath, wherein who I am is not defined by having people around me or not.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize how I eventually end up missing people after some time, wherein after a long time of being all alone, I start to ponder about wanting to have people around for short periods of time, which is just me trying to manipulate my entire world to ‘suit my needs’ according to how I want it, which is how I always sought to be conditional in my approach to people as I never learned how to really stand with others unconditionally, but only agree to communicate and open up according to whether I liked or disliked them, which is the entire point of who I am within evading communication, as part of ‘the loner’ characteristics of only talking to and communicating with people that would reinforce my characters, instead of having actually allowed myself to get to know people and interact with them based on common sense.

I see and realize that such desire to ‘be alone’ and ‘not be around others’ is just a mind fix that I have created within me in order to actually defend the ‘who I am’ as my mind as the loner character that in no way assists and supports myself to LIVE, but only keeping me busy within my own ideals that I have seen and realized never meet reality as it is only in the fantasies and future projections as ideals of ‘being alone’ that I create a positive experience that I ‘look forward to’ experience, yet when it comes to actually being alone, I realize that I do not in fact want to be ‘all alone all the time,’ and that this has only become a way for me to believe that the thoughts of wanting to be alone is ‘who I am.’ Thus –

When and as I see myself wanting to ‘be alone’ as a thought of quietness and stillness that emerge within my mind, I see and realize that this is a mind fix that I have used in order to activate ‘the loner’ character and create the inner conflict that I see and realize is absolutely unnecessary as I am here as breath and I am not determined by being with people or not.

 

Thus I assist and support myself to stop and breathe every time that I see myself ‘wondering’ about being alone and how much ‘fun’ I can have when being all alone, as I see and realize that most of the times I even end up doing nothing different to the rest of the time that I am with people. Thus I stop this useless character within myself as I have realized the inner-play outs that I have created in order to keep an ideal ‘loneliness’ at home with no foundation whatsoever upon practical and physical reality of oneness and equality, and instead existing as the opposite of separation and further backchat wherein I absolutely forget that I am here as breath.

 

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Blogs:

How Thoughts Activate Personalities – Part 1 (Self-Forgiveness): DAY 123

Day 123: TRUE ACTIVIST UNIVERSAL GRACE

88. The Victim

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become a victim of my own deeds, wherein I would suit the memory to my advantage so that I could remain in anger toward my parents for something that they had ‘apparently done onto me,’ – such as forgetting about me and me getting lost – without wanting to hear the fact that I had been the one that wanted to step out of the cart and drive it by myself.

 

Within this, I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to throughout my life find ways to ensure that I could remain as the victim of a situation/ event wherein I could then have people having to ‘ask forgiveness’ to me, and me being the ‘offended one,’ as that would give me a sensation/ feeling and idea of power over them.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use all means possible to convince my parents that ‘I can do this on my own’ and have various memories of how I would essentially get pissed off when they would do things for me and would not allow me to do it by myself, just because of how I wanted to ‘do things by myself, ‘ from the starting point of opposing my parents and creating any form of friction in the moment by just demanding them to leave ‘the thing alone’ and allow me to do it by myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ‘threaten’ with throwing a tantrum toward my parents so that they could allow me to do things that I noticed other kids were not doing, and in this wanting to be ‘special’ such as being a kid that enjoys pushing the cart instead of being inside the cart.

 

And it’s funny because a memory came up when I was in SA and we had the trolleys from the supermarket and I was pushing one and B said something like you look good pushing the trolley, lol which I associated in that moment with a sense of ‘independence’ and like ‘I’m on the wheel,’ which is fascinating that I only now get it – after such a long time, I had this memory so ingrained within me as the symbol of my ‘victory over parents’ = me pushing the trolley, which I activated as a sense of liberty/ freedom and superiority without even knowing how or why. Thus, it was not a random point but a single experience that I was having in that moment that I was pushing the trolley without even noticing as a character.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to link the experience of ‘pushing a trolley’ to ‘doing my will’ and being ‘free’ and ‘liberated’ from the parents that would always put me into the trolley and drive me around to wherever they wanted me to go with them, within this manifesting the entire experience of: I don’t want to be driven by my parents, I don’t want to comply to what they say, I want to do things ‘my way.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a relationship of self-righteousness toward my parents, wherein I began doing everything to the opposite of what I knew they wanted me to be and do. This includes, for example, forcing myself to go to school when I was sick, just because my mother would insist that I shouldn’t go – and within this believe that I in fact didn’t want to miss a single day in school, but the fact is that I wanted to simply prove myself to her as wanting to do everything opposite to what she would suggest.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the character that would deliberately cause friction in another for the sake of feeling good about myself, just because of how I would experience the relationship with my mother as that of ultimate control and imposition, which I essentially rebelled to throughout my life.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into the victimization of ‘why didn’t you tell me’ when I got lost in that amusement park and get angry at my parents because ‘they were supposed to take care of me’ – and in that, believing that ‘they didn’t want me because they had allowed me to get lost,’ which is how I began building the ‘They don’t like me in my family’ syndrome, which I then embodied fully as ‘the alien’ at home, the black sheep, without realizing what series of events were affecting my every move and decision based on memories toward my mother/ parents in general.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into the experience of spitefulness toward my parents the moment that they found me after being lost, wherein I accessed anger because of thinking and believing that it had been ‘their fault’ that I had gotten lost – however, the actual reality is that I had decided to do it by myself and I cannot even remember if I did it on purpose when realizing that they had forgotten about me, which sounds ‘familiar’ as to how I would then deliberately go to the extreme of something just out of spitefulness, without ever really wanting to hear and realize that: I had done it all by myself, by my ‘own will’ to do things ‘my way,’ based on throwing tantrums, which means that my entire interaction was base on opposition toward ‘the authority’ as parents.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use the phrase ‘why didn’t you tell me?’ charged with rage and absolute spitefulness and anger based on this event wherein I had believed that my parents – and subsequently every time that I would not be let known of some event/ point and missing out – believe that I was being deliberately ‘not invited/ excluded,’ which I associated then to being simply rejected/ uninvited/ excluded and within that, think/ believe/ perceive that there was something ‘wrong’ with me and talking myself into thoughts like ‘my parents don’t love and no one likes me’ as a form of self-victimization, which I use to then create an entire personality that could ‘overcome’ this initial experience toward my parents and sisters, as to ‘prove’ that ‘I don’t need to belong/ I don’t need your appreciation,’ when in fact I was actually really desiring to ‘belong’ and be a part of the entire usual family scheme – which is how self-victimization becomes a key point to build ourselves as the ‘antagonist’ at home, based on self-beliefs and ideas of ‘how others see us,’ which is and has Never been about ‘them’ but about ourselves at all times

 

I realize that everything that I did and all the choices I apparently conducted was based within this starting point of wanting to oppose that which I perceived as ‘authority’ which was – as primary point – my mother, and in that building an entire relationship of opposition toward her particular personality, so that I could ensure that ‘I was not controlled by her,’ as I thought my sisters were.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger toward my father based on how he would usually be the ‘angry one,’ and when finding an opportunity for him to be in the position of ‘having fucked things up,’ I would use his stance of shame, regret and remorse in order to fuel my anger, to throw a tantrum and deliberately wanting to make him feel even worse than what I could spot he’d be experiencing in that moment when apologizing for something he had done.

 

Within this, I realize how I would use this same application whenever someone would be in the position of ‘having done something onto me’ and showing the same signs such as asking forgiveness, feeling ashamed, remorseful toward me wherein I would use such situation to blow things out of proportion just because of knowing that every word movement would make them feel even worse, and within me seeing them getting affected by the words that I could use to recriminate the point even further, I would get a sense of power as a revenge to a previously perceived relationship of ‘power’ of the other toward me. Thus, utilizing conflict as a way to ‘take revenge’ from the past times wherein I felt like the one that had to apologize, ask for forgiveness for having done something wrong and as such, develop power games with my father as a way to feel like ‘I had the right to be pissed off at him,’ later on copying this mechanism to relationships wherein I would also deliberately want the other to ‘feel like shit for what they’ve done,’ and knowing that they would then have to ‘make it up for me,’ in one way or another.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, deliberately instigate further shame, guilt and remorse in another in a situation wherein it is believed that ‘they have done something onto me,’ wherein I then feel with the ‘absolute right to throw tantrums at them’ as a way to complain about ‘being wronged,’ without realizing that all that I was doing is experiencing a sense of pleasure and satisfaction from scolding and yelling at someone, seeing them having no ability to defend themselves – which is a rather sadomasochistic mechanism of relating to others as then this would lead to point of reconciliation and in that, become and actual way to build up anger, irritation and then have a reconciliation in ways wherein all the accumulated negative energy as anger, irritation, frustration would be ‘soothed out’ either through something sweet & buying something by my father – and within sex in relationships with human beings.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to realize what I was doing when ‘putting more wood on the fire’ when I was confronting another in a situation wherein I apparently ‘had the right’ to point out ‘their shit’ – whether I was the ‘wronged one’ or not – just because of enjoying them to feel like shit, secretly enjoying seeing them realizing that they had done something wrong/ that they had fucked it all up, so that I could then remain in a stance of being apparently this immaculate benevolent being that is always doing everything ‘right’ and they were the only ones that could fuck it up. Never really wanting to accept how I would use this to further keep them bound by my side, as to being the ‘benevolent being’ that is willing to ‘forgive them’ and keep by their side, without realizing that I knew to what extent I would use this as a mechanism for my own positive experience as the power I had to make others feel bad and remorseful, ashamed and guilty for something they had said and done.

 

Within this, becoming like a mother that is able to point out the shit onto the son and as such, bind myself to relationships wherein I would become like the nagging mother that would point out shit in another, scold them and as such feel like I had the ‘control’ of the situation, without realizing that all of this would come from an actual experience of inferiority toward others, toward ‘them’ in the relationship, which is how we as women have taken the ‘superiority’ position not from an actual realization of equality and oneness with males, but as an outflow of having been the ‘oppressed ones’ throughout history.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to learn deceptive ways to get what I wanted as in being polite and well-mannered instead of throwing tantrums as ‘the way’ to get what I wanted. This proves that even if I didn’t precisely cry to get what I wanted, I learned the ‘adult ways’ of doing so, which is asking for it in a persuasive manner in a way that I could ensure I can ‘touch my parents hearts’ using the tactic of: If I don’t get it , I’ll be very sad/ If I don’t got and study this, I will regret it for the rest of my life / there is nothing else that I want the most in my life’ which I knew that would ‘move them’ sufficiently to consider that if they simply would say ‘no’ = guilt and remorse would haunt them, thus they would comply as a way to also remunerate me/ as a reward for the ‘who I was’ in school.

 

Thus I see and realize that I learned to play the system’s way of getting what I wanted by pleasing parents/ teachers / the system and as such, only living to satisfy my needs and desires without really taking into consideration reality, because I simply accepted this to be ‘my life,’ living to get things, to achieve, to obtain something that I could call ‘my own’ as my point of satisfaction.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately make it a habit to ask my parents ‘where had they gone to?’ and if I could find a way to make them feel sorry for not having let me know, they would usually give something to me in order to make it as if they had bought for me, which is what I defined as the ‘consolation prize,’ as a way to through instilling the sense of victimization toward a certain event in my world with my parents, they would usually comply to buy something to me in exchange to me going somewhere and usually complying to these type of transactions wherein there was no unconditional self-movement, but it was all based on wanting to ‘soothe’ my inner experience or ‘make up for’ something in separation of myself.

 

I realize that whenever I was showing a ‘depressed state’ toward my parents/ family, I was in fact only seeking to get ‘something’ in exchange to make myself feel better, which is how I did use depression as a way to manipulate people in my environment, to take me out, to give me money to buy things that I could use to ‘make me happy’ for a fleeting moment and that was it, which is how depression came to be/ become another way of a ‘silent tantrum,’ wherein I would deliberately show myself as being ‘depressed’ so that I could get more books, more cd’s and more stuff that I used to reinforce the same pattern again and again.

 

I realize that the ‘Victim’ is a way to remain triumphant in my mind in relation to how I would use this character to get what  I wanted – the Victory I am base on a deliberate self-diminishment that could be spotted by others to then ‘give us a hand’ as a form of self manipulation which is unacceptable.

 

So, this is a point that I see is prominent within the ‘who we are’ as ‘adults’ and as we come of age wherein we believe that we are, for example, depressive – when it is in fact just another way to yell out ‘help me!’ in a silent manner – or how we use the parent/ child relationship to only satisfy our desires which are usually linked to buying/ consuming something as a positive experience obtained from a negative input. Nothing else but energetic games that must be stopped within ourselves – one by one – as these seemingly ‘unimportant’ events have defined who and what we are in such specificity that we cannot even remember why we are in such a way, when all the keys are still here as ourselves, as these are survival mechanisms of the mind itself to ensure that we would remain busy/occupied evolving our characters and personalities, and as such never even have the least consideration to start looking at this world and reality beyond our character eyes.

To be continued…

 

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