Or how I’ve walked through consequences of feeling ‘lonely’ and how I would create relationships from that starting point to where I currently am in transforming such emotional experience into an appreciation, understanding and embracing of myself and others as equals.
I’ve been reflecting on several things these past days and one thing that I want to share about is realizing how I’ve accepted and allowed to ‘give into’ a point of comfort and in a way ‘settling for the least’ in the past in order to stand in a point of perceived or believed ‘security’, of having ‘no-conflict’, of having certain apparent ‘control’ over someone or a situation and how that has eventually led me to create what I feared happening as the starting point of ‘who I am in my creation,’ which might seem like something ‘shitty’ to happen in one’s life, but as I share my story, it’s actually gotten me or ‘forced me’ to be at the place where I eventually had to be at, which is here.
For example, in relationships I had the tendency to create a relationship of dependency with the other person where I would ‘give myself’ to them and attempt to give them that which I believed and perceived they weren’t giving to themselves, which I used as a way to also ‘secure’ the relationship, to make sure they would not ‘run away’ because: no one else was giving that to them, not even themselves. And this is then covered up or disguised as a ‘benevolent act’ of trying to help another or ‘caring’ for another, and it is interesting because I actually knew what I was doing at the time but I would still decide in a conscious way to deceive myself, my self-honesty, and ‘do it anyways’ which is linked to another type of pattern that I’ve faced quite a bit in my life which is ‘rebelling’ against that anyone would advise me to do, where I would automatically just ‘do it because I’ve been told not to’ and not seeing through the actuality of the situation, which of course ends up only in showing myself the consequence of simply ‘doing it’ out of rebellion and not considering reality in its totality – learned lesson.
What I’ve realized in this is that no one can ever ‘warn us’ or ‘tell us’ what to do or not to do, because even if anyone reaches out to say so, we still have the ultimate decision on what we do and create. Therefore it’s actually quite a gift to acknowledge this responsibility, because there is nothing and no one to blame, but it is simply a deep realization that one can only ever deceive oneself. I definitely knew that I had been setting myself up for failure or future consequence and outcomes that would represent or ‘by default’ become the result of my very flawed starting points in, for example, creating a relationship which was standing in the shape of fear, fear of being alone, fear of ‘missing out’ on some experiences etc. or seen as a desire to ‘be complete’ in one way or another.
If my starting point in my past relationships had been that of seeking a comfort zone where I would not be ‘left alone’ because of making the other person ‘dependent on me’ to ‘be ok within themselves’ and where they would not be in essence ‘good enough’ for themselves, then there was also that possibility of me having a certain control as in ‘ensuring the relationship’ or having this person in my life – apparently, again – which is completely flawed In the sense that it is a deceptive and self-interest starting point, because if I create something from the starting point of fear, wanting to dominate, wanting to control and in essence doing it all from the fear of ‘not being alone’ or ‘fear of being alone’ or ‘missing out’ or whatever else, well! Such apparently hidden starting point would eventually manifest the outcome of me having to stop a relationship because such consequences of choosing a flawed starting point would eventually come out in ways that I could foresee could happen before, but because of holding on to a ‘hope’ – which is in fact holding on to a convenient comfort-zone of wishing and thinking things will ‘go well in the end’ which is translated into ‘I hope that the truth of this deception won’t ever hit the fan’ type of thing – I simply kept the ball of deception rolling.
But, who am I within such a decision? Yes, I was in fact existing in fear, in the constant suspense of something eventually happening that will force us to ‘break up’ because I simply knew that such possibility was there when I know I am not standing full, complete, whole within myself, but still creating a relationship from having at that time in my life felt ‘alone’ and so creating an idea of taking someone I could ‘support’ and ‘be with’ as a comfort zone masked or disguised as ‘support’ when in fact the actuality is that it was a way to not ‘feel alone’ anymore, which for sure had been a constant in my life up to that point.
So in essence I set myself up for failure in those situations and this is something I was aware of at a conscious level, yet! I did it anyways. And this is the point of self-sabotage that I want to share about as well as a self-reminder of how at times even when there’s this plain awareness of ‘self-sabotage’ about something, I’ve decided to ‘do it anyways’ based on deciding to go for the experience, to make decisions based on fears that are linked to ‘feelings’ and hopes and expectations, which are all non substantial reasons to make a decision such as who you’d like to spend your life with. And I knew it and I did it anyways, and I got my result to in a way bluntly show me and go through the experience of ‘this is what I decided to do, this is what I set myself up for’ which sure, it’s not a ‘pleasant’ experience, but in my case a very necessary one because after repeating this pattern for so many times in my life – almost in every single relationship I’ve had – it was about time I had to face some more ‘real-time’ outcomes that involved not only me and the other person but many more in it so that I could finally take my life seriously in that sense and stop hoping or dreaming of ‘changes’ happening according to my desired outcome.
What I’ve learned from this and from having repeatedly done this in my life is that I in a way decided to go through it almost to prove to myself – once again – why and how this cannot work, going through the somewhat ‘traumatizing’ situation of having to sort out an actual separation even in legal matters to now fully comprehend how ‘easily’ I gave into faith, hope and fear as the starting point of a relationship that had to end the way it did, because my starting point was flawed and I knew it all the way.
Now, something I’ve also learned is to not judge myself for it. I could be whining and saying I ‘lost’ x amount of time of my life, but I’ve instead managed to as with everything take it as a learning curve, getting to understand and see ‘who I was’ in every step of the way of such relationships, and it’s not the ‘me’ that is here as myself any longer – which is great – yet it is still a part of who I had been most of my life and it’s not something that’s just ‘gone’ but it is there and I am aware that I can decide to become that again or not, which is the same with any other patter, situation or conflictive experience within ourselves: we might have ‘gone past it’ now, but as with anything the potential is always there to recreate it if I decide to do so, it’s always up to me.
However I’ve now seen that it is only through this last consequence I created that I managed to ‘finally’ make a click within me and see what I was settling-with essentially. And here it’s not about diminishing or judging, criticizing ‘the other person’ at all. It is about what I decided, what my choices were, what my excuses, reasons and justifications were and how in full awareness of what I was doing and placing myself into, I simply ‘did it anyway’ in a form of blind faith and seeking some benefits and perceived convenience that led me to eventually yes, thankfully and through a sour consequence, burst the bubble and go back to square one of self-honesty.
Where I currently am in my life is definitely a different place, one where I know I would be prone to repeat myself if I follow ‘the same steps’ I’ve followed in my life before when it comes to relationships, and this time I’ve made sure that I get to focus on myself and fully see ‘who am I’ within this ‘aloneness’ point that had gotten me to seek out some kind of dependency before.
How have I gotten to do it? This process if for once ‘it’, there is no other way to get to appreciate me other than getting to know myself, every step of the way, learn to not judge me but understand my decisions, paths, choices and learn from it. Stopping for example creating some kind of obsessions and infatuations about people – of which I’ve been quite prone to do in the past – and instead get to appreciate me, live me, enjoy me, value me and this is something that has taken some time for sure, it’s all about making the decision to see myself with the same pair of eyes that I have tended to look at other people – specially males of course in my case – which I would turn into a form of attraction, desire or even ‘love’ and I’ve continued to test this out as I’ve been sharing in the past months with how I’ve been dealing with some points of ‘attraction’ or dare I call it ‘infatuation’ which has been quite a life-long habit in my life and I’ve finally learned to see it with a different set-of-eyes.
Last night I was watching an interview by another one of those people I have had what I can define as an ‘attraction to’ – yep another artist, etc. – and I definitely enjoy testing ‘who I am’ when seeing them, hearing their words, seeing how they move/express and seeing what moves within me. This time I noticed it has changed from how I would look at the person a few years ago and all that I would get is this slight churning within my solar plexus which is what I’d define as attraction and just leave it at that. Believing that ‘yes I like their personality’ and that’s it, but the reality is that I wasn’t looking any deeper than that because I wasn’t looking WITHIN myself deep enough, I wasn’t seeing myself as living words, I wasn’t seeing myself as these qualities that I actually enjoy about me, but was constantly looking ‘outside of myself’ for that, and the most common way was through creating ‘idols’ as in people I would admire – in the case of women – or develop these infatuations and attractions towards males.
So this time, I realized that what emerged within me was a sense of recognition of the other being for who they are, what they express, how they’ve come to be themselves and simply appreciate it, being thankful as well that there’s people in this world that throughout time I’ve been able to listen to and ‘get to know’ even in these very limited ways like through interviews or their creations and instead of only leaving my experience at a point of ‘excitement’ about them or infatuation, I’ve been able to transform that into a learning, appreciating the words that they are living within and as themselves.
There was no longer that ‘desire’ in me, or that fleeting energetic bubble bursting up, in fact after I decide to face this ‘attraction’ in seeing, hearing them I am able to make a clear decision of changing the way in which I see another human being and instead turn that into an ‘embracing’ of sorts, which now that I see it is also what I would like any other person to do onto myself as well. I would definitely not want to be in their shoes and having someone being infatuated and obsessed ‘with me,’ because that surely is quite a point of separation to exist in, as I was existing in in terms of the actual relationships I formed and the relationships that I’d create in my mind in relation to all of these people that at one point or another I developed relationships with in my mind for the most part.
So, after watching that interview I realized how much I had transformed people – well males specifically – into objects of desire, of wanting to ‘possess’ someone because of what I believed I would get ‘from them,’ whereas now I am definitely at a place where there’s this self-fulfillment where I no longer go seeking this ‘other person’ to ‘fulfill me’ or ‘give me’ or ‘be for me’ that which I haven’t been able to live for myself. I can only now share myself, walk with, learn from and possibly contribute back, but that’s about it, there’s no ‘need’ any longer as I used to experience it in the context of personal relationships.
I’ve also seen how there has been this tendency throughout my life of expecting someone to ‘come into my life’ and appreciate me, value me for all that I am and have been through or have realized about myself, and every single time there’s that expectation within me, I’ve ended up disappointed, because it’s of course a flawed starting point, a desire for ‘someone else’ to do that which I hadn’t done for myself which is again appreciate me, enjoy me, be actually quite ‘fascinated’ by myself – and not in the narcissist kind of way lol – but in truly realizing that: I cannot ever fully share every single detail and moment of my life that I only know how I’ve gone through it, what I’ve developed within myself in every step of the way and have another ‘appreciate me’ for that. I can only do that for myself because I am the only one that has always ever been there with me, and this self-relationship and realization of ‘I got me and I will always do’ is quite a substantial one that I had known and become aware of at a ‘theory’ level, but I had not genuinely expressed that as a true form of embracing, gratitude and appreciation to myself, which is see if very much here now which I now am able to extend to anyone else according to what I express and give first to me. Which is how I realized I was able to change the ‘pair of eyes’ with which I look at people – again specially males I’ve been attracted to – and take from each ‘what’s best’ what words I see I can integrate from them within myself and ‘complete me’ that way, get to live what I yearned of others.
How does this ‘feel’ like or ‘translates’ to? Being comfortable with myself, with being alone as well and so being comfortable towards others too. I used to be the kind that was constantly yearning to not be alone or be in a relationship to have some constant companion and something to ‘focus on’ or ‘be for’, but I’ve realized and seen how I am quite fine by myself and that translates to being also quite fine and comfortable when being with a partner. Surely, I enjoy being sharing, expressing with another but even that would not be a constant point of stability, enjoyment, sharing and expression if I had not first developed myself within this path I just described and gotten to start living these words for and as myself first, so that a relationship therefore doesn’t become another ‘dependency’ point which I’m seeing is definitely possible as well and something that’s quite ‘new’ to me too.
Many times people having similar patterns to the one I’ve just described in relation to ‘relationships’ as the ‘weakness point’ in one’s life, we tend to make of relationships that ‘completion’ point, and I’ve been looking at this quite intently and testing myself out in the way I see people that for example I used to be ‘attracted to’ because of liking their expression or their skills or ‘ways of being’ and principles, values etc. And last night as I mentioned, I realized I no longer turn that into some kind of ‘physical attraction’ or ‘desire’ to have a relationship with that person, but instead has become a seeing within another their potentials, their ‘wisdom’ if you will as their very unique and individual experiences and expression. I decided to no longer look at another through the eyes of ‘infatuation’ or ‘I want to have a relationship with you so that I can have that which I see you are/have,’ but instead I take the words that I see or perceive they are embodying and living and make them part of myself, and some other things I simply appreciate them for, for what they stand for and do which at times it’s something quite unique and that I can only see and understand is an expression of what’s ‘here’ as ourselves and that’s it, embrace it, enjoy it- but not try and ‘possess it’ anymore, which is very liberating.
I am more learning to see people as equals in fact, not as ‘objects of desire’ which is of course a point of separation from myself. I’m learning to see and appreciate others for who they are and no longer go ‘wishing’ or ‘desiring’ a relationship as a ‘short cut’ to actually get to live and be ‘that’ for myself, which is a very cool position to be at really, it stops a lot of the ‘mindfucks’ and instead it has opened myself up a true appreciation of someone’s existence, someone’s expression, someone’s work, someone’s words and experiences for what they are.
I was laughing at myself last night when seeing this because I never thought I would be in that position of being able to ‘appreciate’ another human being at that level, where it is devoid of a ‘feeling’ or ‘fears’ but simply in the expression of ‘I see you’ and in a way appreciating ‘who they are’ as their expression, that ‘role’ or part of life they represent. I used to be the kind that would even disregard everything that I’ve learned from fellow humans in my ever-constant idea that there was ‘no point’ in life and that we should all just be doomed to be washed away from the face of the Earth. It’s been a long walk since I was living that kind of statements, I was sooo limited! So veiled by my own emotions and minimized view of myself and so of the rest of the world, but I don’t judge it, it’s just what it is, I am rather thankful and grateful I didn’t give up on myself and have continued to push through and get to where I am now.
It is so that I could not have gotten myself to see, express and realize these things before at all, it’s all ‘here’ right now as a result of all the years of self work through and with the Desteni tools and yes, some very necessary consequences in my life, some ‘hard spots’ to go through for me to understand the starting point of my creation and the consequences that I create when making decisions based on desires, hope, feelings and fears and now realizing more about myself, getting to appreciate myself more than ever before – not to place my on a pedestal as superiority here either – but simply in that realization of how I’ve come to where I am currently and no longer judging me for all of the past decisions, mistakes, deception that I’ve participated on, but understanding it as what in a way I decided to walk through to teach me something, to show me in real time and manifested consequences what happens if I miss ‘myself’ in the equation of my life and so instead turn that ‘missing’ into a me-is-here, realizing I’ve got potential, I decide what to live and express, up to me and my possibilities and willingness to do it, which is in fact a very liberating and expansive realization.
Thanks for reading.
Check out these and all other supportive material at eqafe.com to which I am forever grateful for, because I would not be sharing this if it wasn’t for what I’ve heard, learned and applied over the years with the support provided here
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Accessing your Full Potential (Part 1) – Reptilian Series – 177
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Accessing your Full Potential (Part 2) – Reptilian Series – 178
- Self Forgiveness on the Experience of Love
- Self Forgiveness on the Experience of Sadness & Loss
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