Tag Archives: character

185. Anxiety over Time

 

Anxiety is one of the physical consequences within the procrastination character – here I explore anxiety in relation to time, memories of anxiety linked with having to complete tasks or a specific ideal of ‘who I have to be’ in order to remain within the accepted and allowed self-imposed standards of being efficient, steadfast and accurate in what I do.

Physical Dimensions of Procrastination – Reaction of Anxiety

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as the experience of quivering and energetic churning in my solar plexus, extending throughout my body as all my limbs and believe that I must ‘act’ upon this experience to make it stop, without realizing that it is just the movement of energy that is throughout my body as the consequential outflow of me having created an experience toward my reality as emotions, feelings, thoughts which are only existent to generate conflict and friction within me.

 

When and as I see myself experiencing anxiety within my physical body, I stop and I breathe until the energy dissipates and I ensure that I am bringing myself here back to the physical, wherein I then rewind the moment to see what did I see, what was I thinking, what single thought emerged within me that caused me this energetic physical experience, as I see and realize that it won’t go away just by ‘breathing’ through it, but that the core and starting point of it must be clarified within me in order to take responsibility for the relationship of energy that I created toward something/ someone in separation of myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety whenever I see that I am ‘missing out’ on doing something, which is usually linked to being procrastinating a particular task wherein the single thought of ‘task’ to be completed, triggers this inner experience within me that is felt in the pit of my stomach. I realize that it is a Lot more subtle than the ‘anxiety attacks’ I would get years ago, however, it is still existent as this minute ‘bomb’ that I experience as a burst of energy that quickly fades in the solar plexus area – however, the energetic experience is still linked to me ‘knowing’ that I have to do something and me believing that ‘I don’t have enough time for it,’ which is an excuse that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘rush’ the experience of anxiety with, believing that it must be ‘done now’ and within this statement, binding myself to time instead of giving myself a practical direction to establish a moment of the day to dedicate to my task/ project to complete.

 

When and as I see myself having the thought of ‘task’ and then backchatting ‘I don’t have enough time’ – I stop and I breathe until the experience of the anxiety in the ‘pit of my stomach’ dissipates as I ensure that I return the energy back to the physical through in-out breath – as I bring myself here back to physical stability, I give myself direction in that moment to proceed to work on the task/ arrange my other tasks so that I ensure I do work on it today.

 

I realize that this energetic experience of anxiety is directly linked to ‘time’ as this ever-looming haunting presence wherein I have made of time an enemy without even wanting to realize it, thus I stop defining my day according to ‘time’ but instead direct me to move in every moment according to tasks/ points that must be completed – that way I stop binding myself to time, and work on physical reality here in every moment, ensuring I take on each point breath-by—breath.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so ‘used to’ the experience of anxiety that I have managed to simply shove it aside for a moment, and believe that I could ‘live with it’ or the remains of it as this not-so overwhelming experience as it used to be, but this little tiny energetic outbursts after these years of being stopping what I called as ‘nervousness’ which was actually anxiety,  and that it was ‘part of myself’ as something that could not be entirely ‘stopped’ which is me limiting myself to my full ability to remain here as the absolute physical breath and stability that I am.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make of anxiety a physical experience that I defined as my own ‘alarm’ to move on and pay attention to what was required to do, wherein I would experience anxiety whenever I was expected to move ‘fast’ and do things ‘quickly’ in order to maintain a certain expectation of my ‘performance’ within specific tasks, specifically stemming from the relationship with my father, that I’ve walked through several blogs as an example 103. Being efficient out of Fear! wherein I realized that this desire to ‘match’ my father’s perceived efficiency would cause me to get into anxiety the same way that I would observe him be and do wherein, even if he would react in anger and anxiety to direct things, everything would always work out perfectly – or so I believed.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I require anxiety to perform a task, to get things done as an ‘alarm’ or ‘warning’ that there is something I must ‘get to do’ and within my own ‘rebellion’ toward my own patterns – foolishly so – I created a laxity toward this wherein I did not precisely write self forgiveness on the experience of anxiety and its origin, but tried to simply ‘breathe through it’ without actually understanding how I created the pattern myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the memory of my father rushing us all to be ready to leave the house or do a particular ‘move’ wherein I perceived his own anxiety and demanding force for everyone to just hurry and move and get out of the house in order to leave, and me creating this experience within me of what I can refer to as anxiety within the belief that moving fast/ going out of the house immediately and essentially performing any task or something that is required of me to do, has to be done with this experience at a physical level of anxiety.

Therefore, I see and realize that I have programmed myself to believe that doing something ‘out of the ordinary’ or that which I am regularly comfortable with, must have an anxiety experience toward it accompanied with a sense of rush and steadfastness that is not physical only, but always accompanied with a mix of nervousness and anxiety as the expectation of something that would happen and that I would not know how to ‘control’ or what to ‘expect’ in such situations, which is how I believed that experiencing the ‘tickling’ throughout my body was a normal physical reaction to expectations, future projections, doing something out of my regular ‘doings,’ or being specifically called out by my name to move/ do something, requires anxiety for me to ‘wake up.’

 

When and as I see myself experiencing anxiety when I am about to do a task or remember about doing it or being asked by my name to do something , I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is me re-enacting that first experience of rushing/ fear/ anxiety and nervousness when I was asked to do something that I was uncertain about in relation to the point being ‘familiar’ or ‘known’ for me to Know what to expect – which is then realizing that I don’t require to have control of or be expecting something specific when dealing with a situation, when getting myself to perform a task, when going somewhere and meeting someone unknown to me as events wherein within my awareness have no reference to.

 

I commit  myself to realize that I don’t require anxiety in order to move and that it is certainly Not a normal experience whenever I am about to direct myself to perform a task, to go somewhere, meet someone, or I am simply asked to do something that I believe I am not ‘ready for.’ I realize that the readiness and steadfastness exists as who I am here as the physical breath by breath.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety whenever I go into a future projection of being in a situation wherein I am not ‘reaching my goal’ or ‘achieving what I expected’ or ‘fulfilling another’s expectations upon me,’ which is how I allowed myself to become the anxious and steadfast person based on the belief that I did not want to be as ‘slow’ as my sisters or mother, and within that, wanting to be ‘liked’ by my father for always being as ready, steadfast, accurate and efficient as I have perceived him to be. Within this, accepting his anxiety and usual anger as means o give direction to something or someone in a proper manner, within this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I required to experience anxiety within me in order to move, do things efficiently and even more so, when directing others also having to exert anger within my desire to have everyone and everything just functioning and working the exact same way that I want it to be – wherein if something did not go out as I ‘have intended to’ I would go into absolute nervous breakdown.  In this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get anxious at the thought of that still image of me in the classroom in second grade and simply losing my focus on that ‘mental calculation’ exercise wherein we have to go making immediate multiplications and just writing down the result and me missing out one of them and so suddenly going into this extreme fear and anxiety because I saw everyone else was simply following through and ‘I’ had lost it and within this an immediate overwhelming experience rushed to my head as me not getting an ‘A’ /or 10 as it is qualified here – and within this, missing out my ‘perfection’ at that stage which was the time when I was overtly apprehensive about my reputation in school as an ‘A’ student. Thus I began crying and simply lost it, which was a way for me to also want to create a justification as in ‘poor girl, she’s crying, let’s do it all again for her,’ as a point of manipulation in order for me to have a ‘second chance,’ which obviously didn’t happen and I didn’t get a good grade and that’s how it remained as a memory to ‘keep’ due to the extensive amount of anxiety that lead to crying and the embarrassment for crying and for missing out on the exercise at the eyes of my entire class.

Within this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into anxiety due to projecting onto others thoughts and beliefs of them thinking that I have simply ‘lost it’ as in missing out on the most simple stuff and within this, fearing to be stupid or dumb in that moment, which stood as an opposite of the image that I would ‘work so hard’ to maintain which was being the straight-A flawless student.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety whenever I believe that I am ‘losing my perfection’ wherein after the experiences throughout childhood of being overtly apprehensive with school, I became more ‘relaxed’ about it in order to show to others that I wasn’t as ‘apprehensive with school,’ wherein eventually it developed to the point I am facing today which is the ‘I don’t care’ character stemming from that initial stage in my life of extensive anxiety and apprehension toward school and doing everything ‘perfectly’ – o the point where I believe that ‘I don’t care’ however, always maintaining almost immaculate curriculum and within this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety as a suppressed way to not look at what must be done, but instead seeing it as me ‘missing out/ losing my position’ in relation to any point/ task/ project that I have to complete, thus

When and as I see myself experiencing anxiety as the accumulation of me having had this expectation of myself as being always ‘perfect’ and ‘right’ in and throughout school, generating this idea that I must then continue that personality and that because I am not moving myself to do so, I require anxiety to move as a way to generate fear within me to move myself – but! because it meets with my newly upgraded character of the apprehensive mutated into the ‘I don’t care,’ the anxiety is quieted down and immediately-instantly suppressed with an ‘I don’t care’ experience which is then creating a thought or come up with something for me to do in order to make it alright for me to not do things – thus  I see that this single play out of experience requires stopping both the anxiety and the cover up experience to the anxiety as ‘I don’t care’ in order to simply move physically and get things done.

 

I commit myself to stop waiting for me to experience a thought and anxiety afterward related to ‘doing the task’ as a way to move myself and within this, stopping the cover up experience of ‘I don’t care’ and leaving it for later – as I see and realize that as long as I continue making it ‘okay’ to save it for later, I continue the indecision and lack of self direction in one moment here, wherein I realize that I only require to make the decision and live it out as myself.

 

There’s more to come in relation to anxiety, ‘big projects’ or tasks and my looming experience that comes when thinking that ‘I have to do something’ but then going into anxiety, suppress it and continue doing something else wherein no self-movement is then occurring.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety at the moment for thinking ‘all the stuff I have to do after I post this blog’ and immediately wanting to rush to publish and ‘get done with it’ wherein I then start blaming myself for taking the time to work on the cooking process earlier and within this not prioritizing my time – thus,

When and as I see myself wanting to rush and get anxious to post my blog, I stop and I breathe until I redistribute the anxiety experience throughout my body and out through breathing, and then I realize that I require to be more directive during mornings like today wherein I can simply go straight to the writing to then focus on answering mails and everything else that must be done.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be rubbing my feet within the anxiety experience wherein I have become so used to the rubbing of my feet as a physical indication of anxiety and nervousness upon the realization that ‘I am behind’ something and I must ‘hurry’ as if rubbing my feet would somehow expedite the process as a constant friction experienced as the act of rubbing my feet one against the other.

When and as I see myself rubbing my feet together as a way to externalize the anxiety as the friction I am experiencing inside me, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I don’t require to externalize a point of literal friction within me outside as rubbing my feet one against the other in a constant manner, as I can instead stop the anxiety from the beginning and within this

I commit myself to breathe and slow down every single moment that I see the slightest emergence of anxiety as myself as a rushing point to ‘get it done,’ and also stopping the imagination and projection of doing things ‘right away after I’m done with this,’ as it is an indication of dimensional shifts that I am participating in, wherein I am not being fully here as the finishing of the blog itself, but already wanting to ‘finish it up/ get it done’ so that it is posted, without realizing that I have been the only one that has set this ‘time’ limitation to my tasks.

Instead, I direct myself to simply make use of my time effectively wherein I see that there is no point in limiting myself according to ‘time’ but rather ensure that I work-on and direct points that are required to be directed moment by moment – one after the other – ensuring that throughout the process, I am here as breath.

I commit myself to breathe consciously and in full hereness, stopping whatever I am doing, until I can stand and ensure that I am no longer being ‘subject to’ anxiety, as I see and realize that whenever I try to only ‘cover up’ anxiety, it becomes just this something that is placed aside without really focusing on identifying the origin point and within this supporting myself physically to breathe through it until all energy is dissipated and I take responsibility for whatever is causing the anxiety within me.

I commit myself to realize that who I am is stable here as the physical and that I require no energetic experience to move myself and direct myself as I have just seen and realize how I am able to breathe through the experience until the energy dissipates and I am here stable as self.

I commit myself to ensure that I breathe until all muscles of my physical body are not tense and I experience breath being comfortably here as myself.

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183. Like and Dislike = Mind Control

 

Positive Experience Reactions upon the Positive Backchat within the Procrastination Character.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be used to doing only that which I ‘like’ doing and that which ‘communes’ with my self-religion of self interest wherein all the activities that are related to me doing something that is not necessarily ‘enjoyable’ but necessary as I realize that within this, I have been used to always doing that which I am benefitted by within a positive experience, which is how I have made of my habits something that is in accordance to that which makes me ‘feel good’ and within this, creating an entire value scheme of positive and negative wherein I have things that I ‘like’ doing and things that I ‘dislike’ doing, which was the sole purpose of the existence of emotions and feelings really – (Suggest to listen to Reptilians – Where does Relationships come from – Part 40 for further reference and understanding on what emotions and feelings are)

 

When and as I see myself talking to myself about doing something that I would rather like to do instead of the task at hand, I stop and I breathe – I realize that the mere resistance and judgment toward that which I ‘don’t want to do, only exists at the level of my perception as the relationship created toward that point/ activity/ task based on me having a positive or negative experience toward it, instead of realizing that aligning myself to the physical reality implies not creating an energetic experience toward the tasks/ activities and responsibilities that must be done in order to walk ourselves out of the inner conflict of like and dislike and focus on the actual doing of the task, breath by breath to support myself to walk through the energetic drive that longs for some type of energetic fix o continue doing, which is not necessary to move physically.

 

I commit myself to stop creating energetic experiences of positive and negative toward the activities that I have to do on a daily basis as I see, realize and understand that emotions and feelings were only created for the purpose of instigating inner conflict and further separation through specialization and dislike that I have imprinted as the relationships formed with people as either positive o negative – the same with activities, things, environments which are only ‘here’ to further upgrade the ‘who I am’ as the mind, instead of equalizing myself as the physical reality.

 

I realize that the moment that I allow myself to create a judgment toward something or someone, I am defining/ limiting/ enslaving myself to my own created relationship which implies complying to my own energetic experience when believing that such task in itself is either preferred/ not preferred to do, based on my own beliefs, perceptions, value systems according to that which I react to in a positive or negative way, which in all cases indicates that If  I react in any way, I am still existing as a mind system of limitations. Therefore instead, I assist and support myself to walk my equalization as the physical taking into consideration the physical practicality of the task to be done and that which I require in order to accomplish it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be my own mind control when it comes to having a preference toward particular tasks and having a dislike or a negative experience toward other tasks and justifying that with me simply ‘preferring to do something else’ which is indicating that I am not making a self-directive decision, but that it is stemming from my own created value-system of likes and dislikes and preferences that in no way assist and support me to expand as I see and realize that relationships based on energy in fact separate ourselves from who we really are.  In this –

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in a positive way when backchatting myself in order to go out for a walk/ rather work on other tasks that I prefer doing, which is a way to get myself out of the sudden ‘heaviness’ experienced when realizing that I have to work on my task, and within this, allowing myself to immediate go into the positive-sphere of my experience, overcoming it with the idea of waiting for the moment to go out for a walk, not having enough time till then and as such, actually making the decision to not work on my task as I would rather wait to go outside doing ‘something else’ which is how I eventually end up postponing my self direction, because of giving into the preference which is not even an entire ‘excitement’ any longer, but more of a steadfastness that I haven’t allow myself to expand toward all areas of my doings.

 

When and as I see myself creating a positive reaction toward the idea of me instead of spending time working on my task, I rather do his ‘other tasks’ that I prefer doing – I stop and I breathe – I realize that in such moments I am not the one making the decision, but who I am as the energetic possession that seeks to satisfy itself in order to continue con-trolling my own self direction – which is me in all cases – wherein I realize that it is only me in one moment of breath that can decide not to give into the mind-experience that I ‘prefer’ but instead, act in common sense and doing that which I have to do as part of my responsibilities within this world.

I commit myself to stop enticing me to do something based on preference, but simply in that moment see the development of the event until that point of seducing me to do that ‘other thing’ I would rather do instead of dedicating time to this assignment and then live the decision of working and doing what is required to be done – which means that all positive aspects of the ‘option’ to take are to be seen as my own deceptive means in which I have created a positive experience toward others/ things/ events/ scenarios and have created a negative experience toward that which I see and realize is what enables us to expand, grow and walk through the initial limits and our ‘comfort zone’ that we are so used to remaining in.

Within this I also realize that one of the reasons why responsibility was feared or disliked is a deliberate obstacle in/as the mind as who we are in the mind will always seek for the positive experience as ‘the candy’ that will support its continuation and within that, creating the opposite in order to have something to create a ‘better experience’ in contrast, which can only exist if we hold and create definitions toward our world and reality.

I realize that Responsibility is a key word to live as the ability to expand and grow within our reality and that it has been broadly evaded deliberately to create a common-laxity at a social level wherein the more we are entertained only with our satisfaction as wants, needs and desires, the less attention we pay toward the actual ‘workings’ of the system and the actual reality that is going on day by day wherein it is because of the sum of all our procrastination to get to do things that are to our own benefit as humanity, the less we create solutions, because we are being part of the fuel of the problems and the problem itself – hence we must create the solutions.

Thus within this, I see and realize that even if I see this point of doing a particular tasks something ‘isolated’ from my responsibility to the  whole, it implies that I am really not living unconditionally applying myself in all aspects of my reality and as such, it Is relevant and important as we are all as  humanity within this procrastination creating a reality of mediocrity which is what I have judged before and that which I am going into the moment that I participate in a positive feeling experience in ‘doing something else’  that is most likely time consuming, life consuming and entertainment/ diversion point that most of the times doesn’t benefit myself and my process.

 

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162. Either Do it or DIE

I had a dream wherein I had applied for a job at a record store, and I was given a certain schedule that I of course had to cover. However I was rather entertained in my reality with something else, I remember I was interacting or moving around with people and as such when the time came for me to go cover my job schedule, I simply decided not to go and the reason in this case was because ‘I didn’t require the money,’ thus I experienced this absolute laxity toward the point of responsibility simply because I was not being guided by survival to do it, which is something that I can see is related to the motivation/ motive-factor as that energetic point that acts like a crutch for me to move.

The stagnation and deliberate shoving away of responsibilities is part of this point. I’ve lost the ‘fear’ to not do things and within this, I have self sabotaged myself extensively, simply because all the ‘discipline’ that I had lived was in fact only based on fear and keeping up a reputation that in my mind, I could not ‘afford’ to spoil for one second.

When the characters were identified, in my mind I created this point of laxity toward responsibilities, like literally only doing it at the last moment and essentially justifying it – foolishly enough – with me no longer acting out of fear to get things done, but ‘testing my waters’ in relation to my own ‘self-movement’ once that such fear is apparently non existent. And I say ‘apparently’ because it is quite obvious how I actually only turned the tables and went to the opposite of being the ‘on time responsible one’ to be a deliberate procrastinator one. This was all done consciously/ me being aware of it, and the only point that I can see has factored into it is this ‘force’ wherein I have opted to simply give myself away to it and continue placing things aside, postponing it all simply because I don’t perceive such points getting done within a matter of life or death. This reveals to what extent we have only moved when there is either a positive or negative reward and in my case, in the dream, the ‘record store job’ I had always kept in the past as this ‘dream like job’ – even if I am now aware it is not ‘dream-like’ at all – as something that I would do out of pleasure and that was going to apparently only be like an extended hobby. So, in the dream when it came to actually cover my hours, I decided to simply not go and take it as lightly as possible, simply because there was no point ‘behind’ it that was pushing me to do it, to move.

 

The same has happened in many ways within my reality wherein I actually dislike the fact that we have to be threatened in one way or another to move, however even after knowing this, we simply don’t do it.  The words ‘What’s the benefit in it?’ is what comes to mind when looking at ‘points I have to do’ which implies that within such cases I am still ‘expecting’ something good or even something bad coming out of it, and this ‘jaded’ attitude toward consequences is actually another way to not take responsibility for the points that are simply not being done/ not given direction, wherein it is obviously a non-doing situation that cannot possibly be without ‘an experience’ as it is perceived in my mind. I see and realize that it actually has taken quite a hold of myself due to my own deliberate shoving-aside of things that I know I have to do, but I am not doing.

So, the dream revealed to me this aspect of ‘necessity’ to do things out of survival – such as a job- while also deliberately neglecting the compromise I had made to actually do the job, which is something that is ‘so unlike me’ in terms of how I used to function in the past as the character of being a responsible person, whereas now that such point is not so automated or triggered out of fear, I see that it is definitely a point of ‘If I don’t change and if  I don’t move, nothing will change and nothing will move.’

We got it all in words, I got all the tools, I realize and see the point – so what is this deliberate mindfuck that I’m playing onto myself? Not doing something out of thinking of the future consequences of it, of the actual time that it would take, of the reviews and criticism that it will take, of the several bureaucratic processes that I am supposed to go through, of all the times that I would have to re-write the damn thing, and within that I see how I have in fact squandered more time when deliberately pushing aside this whole thing believing that somehow it could magically be ‘overlooked’ which is ludicrous and fantastic to my awareness at this very moment, how far I have deluded myself.

For all actions and inactions there’s a consequence – in my dream I did not get to see the point of not showing up for my job, but I can see how as long as ‘my life didn’t depend on it,’ I would unlikely take it serious, which is absolutely unacceptable, as I had made a contract/ commitment to actually do it, regardless of the money-made and my actual need for it, as well as it being supposed to be this ‘job’ that I liked/ wanted to get at some point early on in my life, which also indicates how we can brainwash ourselves to the utmost degree and believe that we ‘got it all covered,’ and when the seemingly petty points emerge, we can in fact realize that such seemingly ‘small decisions’ turn into massive balls of snow that grow and grow the more time keeps rolling.

And this point of consequence can also be observed within the relationship with time and procrastination, how we literally enslave ourselves to this ‘time frame’ wherein actual fear is being built toward the point, unnecessarily so, but because of the amount of energy as resistance/ procrastination that’s been created, we in fact develop it all into this massive ball that is nothing else but our own creation. And this is where in my mind, as the ego, would have wanted to blame it onto everyone else but myself, which is obviously something that cannot possibly exist any further within me.

 

Postponement:  this Force as ourselves as the Mind operate – where in a moment, our habitual Personality would activate and then this Force would be that “physical experience” within oneself of REALLY not WANTING to push through the Personality pattern/habit, but rather continue following the habitually patterned thoughts/internal conversations and behaviour – essentially in that moment the Mind/Consciousness as ourselves as the accepted and allowed self-defined Personality we’ve become, force ourselves into and as Mind-Submission, giving up on ourselves and the opportunity we would have had in that moment if one had simply taken a breath and committed self to the decision of change/realisation and physically, practically completed/done the task/assignment/responsibility.” – Sunette Spies on

The FORCE: DAY 161

 

 

And the nail I have hit my head with today:

for example, can look at contexts of:

“Postponing with School/University Assignments/Tasks – compromising one’s future and survival in this world system that is, unfortunately at this stage really dependent on establishing a profession/having an education. Obviously yes even though this may not be guaranteed, it should still not be an excuse, reason, justification to not utilize the opportunity you have in this moment to complete your education. You do not know what the Future may bring, and therefore, rather utilize the opportunity you have with education, commit yourself to get it done, so as to not have to face the regret of not utilizing this opportunity you have, later in life. It is here in your life/world, therefore – do it, get it done.” – Sunette Spies

Character Dimensions – Practical Application (Part 1): DAY 163

 

This last bit was enough to say Oh mein Gott it is so obviously blatantly here and how it has been deliberately brushed off in order to make it seem like, you know, it’s not relevant, you know I’ll do it later, I’ll Eventually get onto it, I’ll obviously have to get it done. Hence the title wherein it is interesting to see how I can give a dribble and a plethora of excuses as to why I was not doing so, however in the end it is a simple point of choosing to be/become the mind that seeks for a point of comfort/ no ‘problem solving’ type of situation instead of actually realizing how enjoyable it even was to expand myself within getting into academic stuff, this is also related to any habit that was for example supportive and when we stop doing it for an extended period of time, we tend to simply ‘forget’ how we would actually enjoy ourselves writing/ doing/ saying something that we then created a negative-charge to in order to create this infamous procrastination loop.

 

And what’s fascinating is that somehow I managed to procrastinate reading Heaven’s Journey To Life this entire week, and as I re-read this I realized that this is a timeloop obviously otherwise it would not be HERE for me to look at, walk with such blatant and obvious timing support – and self forgiveness for the clear judgmental aspect that arises as I write this out:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing any form of reputation as being a ‘responsible being,’ without realizing that such character was also driven by fear and this is the time wherein I am in fact realizing what self-movement actually is and implies for the very first time and that judging myself for it, won’t do any ‘better’ for it – within this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will be judged by ‘others’ for not having been consistent within my application, without realizing that I was perfectly aware of it and the deliberateness of it linked to this single point of allowing myself to be ‘driven’ by the force and believing that ‘I had it all sorted out’ which is actually the same point of ‘ignorance is bliss’ that many people may create as positive thinking, without realizing that I was doing exactly the same thing when talking myself out of taking responsibility for a single point that is here as my responsibility to be done, and within this, believe that there is ‘no consequence to it for others, but only myself’ which is also a point of self interest and deliberately shoving aside the fact that I am actually aware of how everything that we do/ don’t do does not only create a consequence for myself, but creates a consequence at the level of the whole  – and within this,

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘lose my ground’ and actually having deliberately created this stance of ‘all is well’ within me wherein apparently I was ‘not caring about it/ about getting something done,’ without actually seeing that the masquerade of ‘all is well’ was stemming from actually seeing the actual fear that created it as the realization of time as consequence being directly proportional to the amount of time I’ve shoved aside this point which is time-looping at a maniac-rate –

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually not even dare to be honest toward myself in relation to actually taking this point ‘by the horns’ because of not wanting to ‘expose’ myself to myself for the actual stupidity that it is to leave a task/ assignment/ evaluation aside believing that somehow it could not be ‘relevant’ to my reality any longer, which is quite the excuse to actually not take responsibility for myself and my creation.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to now that I am writing it out, actually experience a constriction in my chest and experience the heaviness as an energetic experience of fear in relation to seeing how long I have in fact excused myself out of this point and not given proper direction to it within the belief that I would ‘someday’ eventually do it and manage to get it all ‘perfectly done’ as I had done in the past, without considering that the past is not here as myself and that I cannot rely on ‘past patterns’ that require an actual DOING and giving direction to it within my reality, whereas before I would see them as an extension of who I am as such point of taking on a responsibility and committing myself to it.

 

When and as I see myself going into fear/ petrification when realizing the consequences of everything that I’ve done/ haven’t done, I stop and I breathe – I instead direct myself to not over-think about it and create yet another experience toward the pattern of procrastination but instead commit myself to do it, and this is not for the sake of keeping or sustaining an ‘idea’ of myself, but it is in fact part of what I had committed myself to be/ do/ become in my reality, wherein I am in fact then aware that it is a physical point to do within the current system that we live in and that it doesn’t matter if it’s required or not, it is a point for me to take on and ‘get it done’ no matter what, as I see and am aware that it cannot be pushed any further away in time than this.

 

So, I commit myself to get this done and I see and realize that breathing is the point to diffuse the experience within me which is a mix of fear and anxiety that I had managed to cover up with this seemingly ‘stable’ experience within me, while neglecting that it was not really a stable point of who I am but a make-believe stability because of knowing that I had been dragging one single point or various points around for an extended period of time without giving it direction and actually using other points in my reality to distract myself from taking responsibility for it – so another note here:

 

“Distraction – deliberately distracting ourselves with/as the Force of/as the Mind/a Personality, distracting us from/of ourselves, the physical to in/as that moment sabotage an opportunity for/as self-change/self-realisation within ourselves and our worlds. That we’d rather distract ourselves with and as the Mind/Personality, and attempt/try to validate/justify that distraction through and as the extent to which we can talk ourselves/convince ourselves in/as that moment from actually moving ourselves into and as a moment of change/realisation. All of which simply exemplify the nature of/as ourselves as human beings; that we’re deliberately utilizing ourselves as the Mind to not in fact really change, but conveniently only pay attention to our ‘comfort zones’ in the Mind to maintain separation and abdication of responsibility from/of ourselves and our worlds/realities.” – Sunette Spies  on The Force

 

So this entire point that came up in the dream wherein deciding to do the ‘fun thing/ that which I like/ that which made me feel ‘cool’  instead of  actually attending my schedule at the job and taking the point of Self Responsibility. So this is ‘my creations’ within the mindfuckism category, as Scott Cook has accurately coined the term – and it’s something I am definitely aware it’s not cool at all to perpetuate due to the actual extensive amount of energy it takes to keep shoving it aside, without actually ‘tapping’ on to it in the moment and just typing it out.

Okay, so this is the beginning of the end of me as the patriotic inhabitant of Procrasti-Nation – and this time it’s either I get it done or I swallow the already created consequences in the moment.

 

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103. Being efficient out of Fear!

This is a continuation of the past post:

102: Communication Noise: Parental Communication

This is to see how an entire character was formed from participating in a positive polarity toward everything that I would do with my father, whereas I would judge as negative everything that I would do with my mother. Hence all attributes that I saw within my father in my mind became ‘the positive’ to experience whereas everything related to mother became ‘the negative’ that I had to ensure I would not become equal to, as that would mean being essentially ineffective to live in the system of money. Yes, sir, fear of survival as a childhood imprint in such a seemingly ‘innocent’ event such as going to the supermarket. 

Here I walk the memory of how I would generally experience myself throughout an entire event – going to the supermarket alone with my father – which I have stored as a positive experience due to the sense of ‘liberation’ that I would get from being able to do things ‘fast and accurate’ with my father, wherein the ‘slowness’ of my mother would not tamper our hyper-act of buying as if there was something/ someone chasing after us.

 

 

Self Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say ‘yes’ to do something based on a memory of doing that something being generally fun and a time to spend with my father alone, which I had identified as a cool opportunity to do things fast which I have associated with something positive in my life

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I am enjoying a moment with my father based on doing things that are generally things that we would not do if we were going out with my mother as well, which means that all my starting point of enjoying a moment with my father is based on doing everything that my mother would apparently not allow us to do such as speeding in the car.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had to be like my father in terms of being meticulous, accurate, disciplined and generally fast to do things, which is something that I have associated as a positive experience within me, which is linked to how this entire world system appreciates ‘speed’ as a general positive attribute due to how it contributes to earning the most in the least time possible, which I see then how I lived this when and while growing up/ going to school wherein all forms of discipline are essentially created in order to get used to a world system wherein time means money.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generally consider that I enjoyed being more with my father because we both agreed that my mother was rather slow and ‘inefficient’ according to our judgments, which is how we would team up in order to go to the supermarket and get things done as fast as possible, while the usual spoken backchat was in relation to how If we would have gone with my mother/his wife, we would have stayed there for hours instead, as way to exemplify how he was ‘more efficient’ than my mother.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider my father’s routine as something positive, because through routines a form of trust is developed, wherein you believe that the person will always remain ‘safe in their bounds’ which is a positive attribute according to the system that is based on creating patterns in people to keep everyone safely entertained/ occupied within their own lives, not looking at reality and what is going on in the ‘greater picture.’

 

I realize that I had in essence been a fervent fan of all types of systematic indoctrination, just because I was brought up in a way wherein rules, regulations and terms became a focal aspect within me, wherein I cultivated a sense of ‘correctness’ as a form of proud, which I can see I copied and learned from my father – whereas my mother represented the ‘cheating’ aspect of the system, the ‘less rigid’ version of a human being in this world system.

 

Thus, through me establishing a positive experience toward my father or general inclination toward him, I aligned myself to the system as a ‘positive experience’ based on the ideals of efficiency and accuracy that I had defined him to be.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to agree to his suggestion on ‘me having to be/ become like him,’ implying that I had to avoid becoming like my mother representing the ‘negative aspect’ as the inefficiency/ inaccuracy within the system’s perspective which I then vowed to antagonize within the consideration that whatever was presented by and as the system’s rules and regulations was in fact ‘what’s best for me,’ hence developing a polarized association between my father and mother which lead me to an unequal relationship with them based on ‘who I wanted to be’ within the system, which at the time when I was a child was more associated with becoming someone successful and powerful within the financial world/ economics / banking skills as that’s what I was playing with as a child.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to get a positive experience out of the fear that I would usually experience with my father’s meticulous approach to everything he did, wherein I would essentially in my mind be fearful of fucking things up yet at the same time getting a positive experience out of it, which is what has been explained in Heaven’s Journey to Life  wherein we also get a positive experience out of fear.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate a relationship of fear toward beings that I perceived as being ‘more accurate’ than me in practical-physical points such as going to the supermarket in no time and getting everything done in a fast and accurate way, which I have associated with a positive experience, which is what I sought in a partner as well: to be like my father in terms of being meticulous, accurate, clean, precise and confident with a certain rush at all times to do everything, which is what manifested to the T with a long relationship that I had without every really seeing or realizing that I had in fact gotten so used to his character because it was in essence almost identical to my father’s character.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to also experience fear whenever I was being told how to do things, fearing being fucking everything up which is how I experienced myself with my father when going to the supermarket and being told how to place things on the cart, how to go isle by isle looking for things, how to not stand as an obstacle in front of people, how to hurry yet not be clumsy when moving.

 

I realize that I in fact would experience such tension and fear that it became a positive experience for me, which is the reason why I would immediately decide to go with my father to the supermarket- same with friend/ partner going out with him wherever he had to go, because of enjoying that general constant tension of rushing and getting things done in ‘no time’ with them.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel dumb when being told how to do things, which was part of me fearing becoming like my mother whom I had judged as clumsy, slow and ineffective without realizing that this is just a polarity manifestation that I created in order to have a constant point of friction as inclination and rejection toward my parents in means of just keeping a point of conflict in place within my life, to keep me in separation of my mother.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a positive experience toward my father talking to himself about the products that he had to get, which I found quite cool and generally ‘crazy’ for an adult his age, which would make me laugh and also see how he acted in a generally ‘odd manner’ that I found amusing, later on catching myself doing the same things and loading the entire super market character, just because of how I had identified this general rush in the supermarket as a positive experience.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a general positive experience to orderly and high speed buying of groceries, wherein I never questioned why we were rushing anyways if we were heading home, if rushing would in no way make any substantial difference to our day – but instead because of how I had walked the entire process of ‘rushing’ to go to the supermarket as a general ‘tonality’ for the experience, I never questioned it, and I simply rode the wave of tension, anxiety, and general fear at times when going out with my father, feeling slightly uncomfortable in fear of not doing something right or as accurate as he expected me to be and do – however I was willing to learn how to be like him at all times.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing things the wrong way as that would generate anger and frustration within him, which I would judge then as a negative experience that I had to avoid at all cost – thus I made sure that I remained ‘in line’ with everything he did and doing ‘my best’ to please him in my every move in coordination with him, when for example taking the products out of the trolley and organizing them according to the type of product they were on the band so that the cashier would have it easy to pass them through the scan/ registry machine – within this doing ‘my best’ out of fear essentially.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider it amicable and generally ‘nice’ to pick up a conversation with the cashier in order to apparently ‘smooth things out,’ which implies that I had associated that point as a counter act to what I would perceive as a tension point which is standing in the queue to pay and having to get everything in bags ready to go, which is obviously only a belief system that I created based on how I would observe my father going into a higher tension when having to pay and then getting everything ready to leave/ storm out the place.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a positive experience out of going to the supermarket with my father based on the general conceptions and associations of speed, effectiveness and accuracy as something ‘positive’ in this world, which I then wanted to be a part of even if that involved having to go through tension, anxiety, fear and general stress/ tension that would be created within me throughout the supermarket experience with my father.

This allows me to see and confirm how I was in essence having a positive experience out of situations of self-abuse, as for me to exist in such stress, anxiety and fear, I had to consume my physicality to power such adrenaline which stems from fear – thus ‘going to the supermarket’ was like going on a rollercoaster ride.

 

DSC08735

 

 

Self corrective Statements:

When and as I see myself automatically saying ‘Yes’ to someone in relation to going somewhere specific, I stop and I breathe – I allow myself to look again at the motivation for it and if I find a positive experience being created in my mind – such as the experience I would get when being asked to go to the supermarket with my father, I realize that such positive input for an activity is not here as self but based on memories –therefore I stop and allow myself to reconsider whether I actually want to participate or not in a particular event or activity.

 

When and as I see myself believing and perceiving that I am in fact having a ‘good time’ as a positive experience, I stop and I breathe- I realize that for example enjoyment had been a separate way in which I would perceive that I liked doing something with someone based on the premise of being opposing something/ someone that represented a limitation and a point of judgment within me –thus I realize how my life experience had been based upon me having a good time according to the past which is not me here in fact enjoying myself doing something – with or without someone – without it being an actual unconditional experience of myself in the moment.

 

When and as I see myself considering fast speed as something effective, accurate and positive within how to do/ conduct things in my reality – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I have associated this according to how I was taught that being fast, accurate and doing things as quickly as possible represented an opportunity for me to excel and succeed in the system, wherein in a contraposition, being slow, inefficient, lazy and generally relaxed was something that I deemed as negative and associated to something that I should avoid mimicking in terms of the parental roles that each one of my parents played. Thus I realize that both polarities were created in my mind in order to have a point of preference and a point of friction in my reality, which indicates that non of them are real decisions lived in self-honesty but based on past memories and conditions applied to my every day living.

 

Thus I commit myself to establish new patterns within me and my every day living that are in fact based on a self-realization process of what is best for all and how I can practically and efficiently direct myself – this means that I no longer require to ‘load’ the idea of who I am in relation to father and mother as a positive and negative input according to how I structured myself as my memories, but instead allow me to build myself a platform of self support that stands in accordance to the consideration of breathing, walking moment by moment in specificity and self-discipline wherein I do not require to rush to get through things, nor do I get to the point of not moving at all, but create a point of consistency and stability with a practical living application day by day.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to ‘stick to my routine’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that the positive experience I identify myself with a routine that works is part of preserving the past as ‘who I am’ instead of simply realizing that I can direct myself in every moment effectively without requiring to hold a ‘routine’ as a creed that must be respected no matter what, which is what leads to being inflexible and rather constricted in our reality. Thus I allow myself to establish basic aspects that I can incorporate in my everyday living – such as responsibilities, practical tasks and moments of self enjoyment – wherein I allow myself to expand and explore ways in which I can direct my day to day living without making it my religion and creed to follow.

 

I realize that I can trust myself according to how I live my activities throughout the day and that according to how I go establishing myself as a the directive principle of every moment and every ‘task’ throughout my day, I can establish myself as my own point of self-trust that doesn’t require a immovable routine to do things, but instead become directive in every moment with its flexibility in order to not limit myself throughout the day.

 

When and as I see myself getting a positive experience out of ‘following rules’ and ‘sticking to the system’s principles’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is an experience acquired throughout childhood wherein all things that stick to the norm I regarded as positive and all things that went ‘out’ of the norm, I regarded as negative.

 

Thus I see and realize that I do not have to follow ‘the system’ as a positive experience, but instead realize the practical points that I require to do and direct in every moment, without creating a positive experience out of it, while fearing going into the absolute opposite which I would then fear ‘falling into,’ which is how being obedient, being complacent and ‘responsible’ toward the system was based on fear and never as an actual understanding of self-direction, as I feared being corruptive, lazy, slow and inefficient in everything I did, which is how then everything positive that I did had an underlying fear of going to the exact opposite as motivation factor.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to do something for the level of ‘precision’ they represent and me immediately ‘jumping onto it,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am in fact making such decision based on actually fearing not being ‘fast enough’ or ‘accurate enough’ to continue and perpetuate such personality/ character as ‘the efficient one’ that was built and wrought when and as I would get along with my father, fearing ending up being the exact opposite as my mother which are the basic polarities that I struggled with throughout my life, going to the extremes because I had not established my own parameters to follow as self-direction for myself according to what I see is common sensical and what’s best for all.

 

When and as I see myself being deliberately meticulous and specific with something or someone – I stop and I breathe – I ensure that I am not acting from memories of the past wherein such dedication was charged with fear and as such becoming an eerily enjoyable experience based on the amount of fear and tension involved within me conducting myself in a particular task. Thus I direct myself to move myself according to how I am able to do things moment by moment without rushing, without being too slow, but moving at a physical pace as the physical breathing is the metronome that I direct myself to live as and by at all times.

 

When and as I see myself experiencing myself as inferior or dumb for being told how to do things, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this comes from the memory of having feared being wrong with my father specifically, doing things in a way that would disturb him. Thus I realize that I had in fact only based such inferiority upon the fear of being the opposite of effective such as inefficient, the opposite of fast and accurate as slow and clumsy – which are the polarities I established within myself in order to define what is positive and what is negative, identifying it with both my parents – thus I see and realize that any perceive ‘strength’ or ‘weakness’ must be in fact identified by self to see if it is an actual self-application in the moment or if it is being still conditioned by the past memories with parents wherein our participation between one or the other pole is related to fearing ending up as the negative aspect- hence building the entire positive personality as a way to ‘shove away’ everything that I deemed as negative.

 

When and as I see myself rushing when going to the supermarket I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is the application of an automated modality that I learned through the years of going with my father to the supermarket, which became an ingrained aspect of seeing the supermarket visit as this race that I had to conquer as fast as possible – thus, I allow myself to simply direct myself in every moment as breathe, wherein I do not rush or try to get out from there from the very moment I get in, in the first place. I allow myself to buy and go through the supermarket experience in self-awareness wherein I am here breath by breath – moment by moment doing what I require to do.

 

When and as I see myself fearing doing something wrong/ being clumsy/ being slow – I stop and I breathe, I realize that in essence I am acting from fearing embodying everything that I feared becoming like which is my mother as the counter act to the positive pole which was my father as the accurate, fast and efficient aspect that I wanted to be and become based on how these attributes are well paid/ well remunerated and usually leading to success in a world system of money, never really taking into consideration the amount of stress and apprehension that such pattern entails, due to us not living here as breath but skipping breaths to do everything as fast as possible. Thus I allow myself to see and realize how I am able to direct myself in every moment of breath, wherein I take into consideration the physical reality and the circumstance I am in at all times.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to strike a conversation with the cashiers at the supermarket, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am able to talk to them as a point of expression in the moment, ensuring that what I am saying is not stemming from an actual desire to escape a moment of pressure or stress within me in the moment.

 

I realize that the desire to strike a conversation with the cashier stems from actually wanting to cover up what was a general moment of pressure and stress such as ‘going to the supermarket,’ which is how I would generally experience myself in every social interaction and situation ‘outside of the bubble of my home,’ wherein there were no moments of breathing and living physically, but learned how to fast pace reality and as such create this ideal of ‘who I had to be in everything I do’ as someone ‘fast/ accurate/ specific/ efficient’ all stemming from the fear of becoming the exact opposite as slow/ inaccurate/ clumsy and inefficient. Therefore I realize that it is within me and my responsibility to now direct myself in a way wherein I ensure that I am in fact supporting me to live moment by moment in consideration of the physical reality wherein I am no longer bound to memories in order to act and live.

 

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84. “What are you up to?”

The ‘catching up’ character.

 

When you encounter yourself with someone that you haven’t seen in a long time, and that you were somehow ‘related’ to each other based on friendship, family-relationship – the usual thing is to ask is ‘What are you up to? or ‘What have you been doing/working on lately?’

In this case, I see that the avoidance to face people is because of – apparently- having to explain myself every time. Yet when looking further into it, is because of not being the ‘same character’ that people used to interact with. However this is also a character: you require to exist as ego in order to have any form of resistance/ avoidance to communicate.

The point here is then having to explain to someone that you are no longer fulfilling the character they remember of you when they ask such questions specifically based on a career/ point that one have previously decided to take on as ‘main character’ in our lives. It is absolutely unnecessary having to create yet another character/ experience of ourselves to interact with someone based on ‘not being the same character’ which would imply fears, anxieties, avoidance, resistance to face people, etc.

 

I realize that to interact here with another does not require me to put on the character that ‘explains herself’ to others, but instead is HereSelf at all times.

 

Pattern: adjusting my responses in a conversation according to what I think, believe or perceive the other one is expecting me to be/ communicate about.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate/ go into self doubt in the moment that I hear the question ‘What have you been creating lately/ what are you busy with?’ because of having ‘no artistic projects on the table’ as ‘I should’ because of the career that I studied, without realizing that this is me fearing not fulfilling others’ expectations based on the ideals, beliefs and perceptions of ‘who I am’ as ‘the art lover’ that used to always talk about painting, taking pictures all the time and essentially portraying myself a ‘the living artwork’ toward others, so that they could confirm that ‘I was a true artist’ at all times.

 

When and as I see myself reacting to hearing the questions ‘What are you up to?/ What are you busy with?’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that my reactions are based on the idea, belief or perception of me having to reply in a certain way that I can fulfill another’s idea of myself in their minds, which I am not. Thus I direct myself to simply share what it is that I am doing in the moment and that’s it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the other person is looking at me with a gesture of condescending gullibility when I explain myself as working ‘on myself’ as my own art project, without realizing that this is because it is essentially made-up point that I am using for the sake of still keeping my character as ‘the artist’ in the academy. Thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my own self-awareness tags in order to make it an art project, just because of me not fully ‘believing’ myself to be it, without realizing that this is not a matter of proving myself to someone, nor is it about ‘making up stories,’ but this is in fact about myself and the process of self-correction that I am living and applying as myself.

 

When and as I see myself expecting others to judge me because of not being specifically doing something formally ‘plastic,’ I stop and I breathe. I direct myself to share myself unconditionally regardless of what others may think, believe or perceive about myself in the moment that I am unconditionally sharing myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that someone else can ‘mock me’ for what I’m doing, just because of them ‘knowing of art’ and as such, thinking that my project is not ‘good enough’ to be sold as art, without realizing that this is not about art, or myself, or my career, but about me being playing a character in order to be liked/ accepted by another person toward whom I had developed a ‘special bond’ with in relation to being able to talk about art, photography, politics, culture and, because this being is in my family, believing that ‘I cannot let him down on this,’ without realizing that in this I am in fact speaking as ego wanting to remain as that ‘special being’ in his mind, compromising myself and my unconditional expression toward him, as who and what I am currently walking as myself.

 

When and as I see myself fearing being judged by another when explaining my work, what I am currently busy living, applying and supporting myself with and others equally as ‘my life,’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that only a character would care/ be affected by whatever judgment can stem as feedback to what I do. I realize that whatever I do is for and as myself at all times in the consideration of what’s best for all, and that anything else is only judgments based on fulfilling/not fulfilling a particular character toward others and myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the need to excuse and validate what I’m doing toward others, without realizing that in this single step of ‘wanting to validate myself at the eyes of others’ is ego, as I am then not communicating myself as what I’m waking, the current process of who I am in that moment, but instead wanting to exist for others, which can only ‘exist’ as a mind character playing out the exact same psychles as always.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to still remain as someone that is a certain character that I had given value to as ‘who I am,’ which is and was never real as it was based on creating things to validate such ‘profession’ in separation of myself, just as how this entire world system works – thus I stop believing that I have to validate myself toward others and simply share what I have been doing as my own walking of this process as self support and extending it to others, which is what and who I am at the moment – hence always communicating in the moment, instead of having to adequate myself in order to fit any standard.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to explain myself, validating my words at the eyes of others, I stop and I breathe. I move to express myself in the moment unconditionally.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to ‘dissolve’ the ‘old me’ toward old ‘friends’ and family, which are the ones that remained thinking that I was still fully into art.

 

When and as I see myself trying to hide/ suppress and magically dissolve the ‘old me’ toward family member and friends, I stop and I breathe. I communicate myself in the moment in relation to what I am being/ doing.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify myself by saying ‘I have not stopped, I have just focused on doing some other things’ which is just an excuse and self-validation as to not completely lose the ‘title’ as ‘an artist’ at the eyes of others.

 

When and as I see myself trying to justify what I’ve been doing and why I have not participated in any formal artwork, I stop and I breathe – I realize that fear to lose ‘my character’ is behind this – thus, there’s nothing to cover up her.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and protect an idea of myself toward others due to the value I had given to the entire character as a ‘passionate artist’ I believed myself to be.

 

When and as I see myself trying to protect an idea of myself – I stop and I breathe – I realize that no idea I hold of myself in separation of who I am here as breath is real.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear disappointing another based on how he ‘liked my art,’ wherein I ‘dislike’ having to ‘let him down’ for not following through as I expected myself to do. I stop manipulating myself into feeling that I am doing something ‘wrong’ by not continuing creating what I expected myself to be and become.

 

When and as I see myself fearing disappointing people/ friends/family in relation to my career, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I can only defend a single idea of myself based on ‘who I am’ toward others – which is not real and only a character. Thus, I direct myself to communicate myself without holding any expectation about it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I’ve ‘wasted an entire artistic education’ because I am not creating any longer – I realize that I cannot define myself based on the past and what I am supposed to do with certain education. I am not defined by ‘having to create’ or ‘having to be an artist’ as this is only a career and a character that is not based on the physicality that I am here – thus any belief and self-recrimination is only a way to manipulate myself into believing that I am doing something ‘wrong’ for not being /becoming that which I expected myself to become.

 

When and as I see myself thinking and experiencing a ‘lack of commitment’ toward my career, I stop and I breathe. I realize that what I am doing is my decision to live and not to remain as the character I manipulated myself to be and become. Thus, I stop any judgment in relation to what I am doing/ what I am not doing, and continue supporting myself to establish myself here as a living being.

 

To Be Continued

 

 

 
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Day 84: Lightworker Chart and Charter

Why is Life not Honoured on Earth?: DAY 84


83. Finishing what I Started

The ‘Fulfilling character’ character

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as self-doubt based on the ideals that I’ve kept with regards to what is an acceptable expression based on what is pertinent to express in relation to only being one single character as ‘an artist,’ instead of realizing that I am a human being that is able to express in any way that is self-honest and congruent in relation to the physical moment that I am walking in relation to my process.

 

I realize that I had been limiting myself based on being ‘caught’ between being ‘academically correct’ while trying to remain ‘true to myself,’ which means that I am still allowing myself to separate the ‘intellectual’ aspect as something that I have to ‘work further into,’ without realizing that what I am working with is myself, and that at the moment there is nothing I am creating as everything is already here. I am simply sculpting myself, using what is here already as myself and giving myself direction to become the expression of who and what I really am as life, which is the process I am walking here.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exist as doubt the moment that I have to present a ‘final work’ toward the academy, just because of the ideals that I have created around ‘the final work’ and how I have deemed it to be this ‘huge event in one’s life’ which is how I have instead shoved it aside and believe that I have to pull out a ‘great show’ for everyone, which is only stemming from the ego and personality I have been throughout my life as a student that is ‘bright’ according to judgments that I’ve accumulated as ‘who I am, ‘ which I’m not.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually ‘fear’ letting go of these standards because of considering that me-expressing myself in simplicity will not make me something ‘outstanding’ which is what I had been tagged as throughout my career ‘being outstanding’ and believing that everyone is expecting me to have this ‘outstanding career,’ which in no way correlates to the process I am walking as myself. Thus, I stop preventing myself to express and move based on these ideals that I am secretly keeping as a ‘final shot’ within my life, without realizing that I cannot serve two gods, and that my ego is no longer a point to be taken into consideration when I am the directive principle of myself here.

 

This means that I cannot possibly continue procrastinating and allowing myself to be waiting for the right moment to write-myself as the declaration of who and what I am as my own process of self creation, because I see and realize that I was waiting to have something ‘finite,’ without understanding that it is the mere explanation of myself as my process and as such, it won’t be anything that can be measured as right or wrong, as it is a creative-process in itself with no precedents. Thus, I allow myself to walk this point with no predisposition toward anything or anyone in separation of myself and my expression here.

 

I realize that I have accepted and allowed myself to still take the ‘academy’ as something above me, as something that could refute anything I could say just because I am not presenting any artwork per se. Ye the process in itself Is the creation as myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I was not going to be working with some work of art per se, I was standing in ‘dangerous territory,’ which is just me using an excuse to validate my self-doubt and hesitation based on mere beliefs what and how I should present myself to have this ‘flawless’ project, without realizing that because of holding such Ideals, I am in fact limiting myself to make of this work a simple and practical extension of the process that I am walking on a daily basis through writing. This proves how one single belief can tamper my ability to direct myself and essentially become like a haunting ghost that is seemingly ‘beyond myself,’ which is absolutely unacceptable as it is all based on the belief of who I am as the ‘perfect student character’ which is only feeding an ego that is busy dying.

 

I direct myself to express myself here, in simplicity and stop the haunting ideals of me fulfilling anything for anyone else in separation of myself. I realize that whatever I write and express as myself is within the consideration of what’s best for myself and all as equals – thus there can be no ‘wrong doing’ in that.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place conditions toward my expression based on wanting to fulfill a certain ideal/ ego/ pattern of myself in separation of who I am as life. This means that I stop creating an elusive ideal to fulfill in separation of myself within attempting to write ‘for someone else’ such as ‘the academy,’ instead of realizing that this is about me writing myself as my process and in that, it is no different to the expression that I write myself as every single day.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that the reason why I was not facing this point is because I was still holding on to the idea of ‘who I am’ toward teachers, school, the consideration of my entire student career throughout my life, wherein I was still aiming at this ‘perfection’ but not based on self-developmental perfection, but perfection base on the idealism I lived as myself in terms of being awarded with ‘the highest honors’ always, which is what I have kept in the back of my head as this ideal that I apparently have to fulfill.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to actually program myself from a very young age to be able to obtain the ‘highest honors’ when graduating, which is just an idea of what I thought would make ‘more than everyone else,’ and that would fulfill the ‘perfect student career’ that I was busy maintaining as myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place conditions onto everything that I do based on which characters I am seeking to fulfill and reinforce, which proves that I have become essentially a character that works to fulfill other characters wherein I miss out the absolute expression that is here as myself at any given moment, and instead believe that I have to get to a certain point to be able to express myself, or that I require to ‘find the right expression’ in separation of myself, which is just indicating that I was simply wanting to maintain a character within myself that keeps the pillar of the ‘flawless student,’ which is a character that I felt I lost the moment that I dropped out from my first career – as an accumulated self-judgment toward myself – and having left school for one year to be living abroad – which became me losing my opportunity to have an automatic graduation, which meant to me losing the perks of being this ‘flawless student.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that because I won’t be able to get the highest honors, then it Is just pointless to do something ‘worthy’ – yet at the same time fearing not being acceptable enough for the academy, thinking it won’t be ‘sellable,’ which is just me trying to fulfill another’s expectations in separation of myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up before even having started, which means that I have become this character to be fulfilled/ bashed and accordingly only move as fear waiting for the ‘right moment to come,’ to give myself direction, instead of realizing that the more I procrastinate, the more I compound the single possession of fear, shoved-away anxiety that comes with it, which is absolutely unnecessary considering that expression as words is here as myself at all times.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually stop myself from directing myself because of fearing not being ‘good enough’ at the eyes of that ‘world’ that I have kept as superior than myself, which is the academy/ schooling institutions even though I am aware how they function and how it is all part of the basic conditioning of creating competition and these apparent ‘high standards’ upon human beings – hence I realize that any form of limitation is just a stupidity loop in fact, because I am accepting and allowing the realm of knowledge and information to be ‘beyond myself,’ while all that I require is here as myself already.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear ‘letting the career down’ and everyone else involved in it, based on how I had walked it with having these great expectations toward myself and because I am in no position to fulfill them, my entire starting point of doing this work is stemming from me having failed at ‘becoming an artist,’ and having failed to fulfill the expectations that I had toward myself and that I believe, think or perceive that others have upon myself.

 

Thus I realize that the only point of betrayal can actually exist if I continue allowing myself to tamper my ability to express myself here in every moment by wanting to suit myself into a character to fulfill other characters’ expectations, which is unacceptable.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to know that I would experience regret and still not do anything about it, which is just proof of how one single point of belief can be an entire point of self-sabotage if not walked, addressed and opened up immediately as self. I realize that self-movement is compromised the moment I hold but one single iota of character to be fulfilled as myself, and in that, I am entirely responsible to face the consequences of what I am creating for myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually project myself into ‘that day’ when I have to present this work and go into fear because of all the value I had placed to such moment from a very young age as this apparent ‘magnificent’ event’ wherein I placed myself as the character that would go ‘beyond history’ with some magnificent final work, which is just base on my ideals that fulfilled the ‘perfect student’ character I accepted and allowed myself to be and become as ‘my worth’ and ‘who I am,’ which is the point that I now see and realize I was not willing to entire let go from the moment that a point that I am not directing as myself is directly linked to preserving this elusive ideal of myself toward others and in a particular institution.

 

I realize that within these ideals and beliefs of who I am and how I must present myself in such moment is stemming from comparing myself to other beings in my family that have presented a ‘flawless work,’ wherein I placed a higher standard for myself in order to end up being ‘the ultimate winner’ at the eyes of others.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in future projections as the image of me in that room with teachers in front of me, asking me questions and having ‘an audience’ that I must apparently dazzle with my wits, which is just an entire mindfuck that I’ve used to only torture myself, instead of giving me absolute self direction at all times with it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear when thinking ‘will teachers/ academics buy this concept of art as myself?’ and in that, already limiting myself for giving worth and value to what others can say about a point that is and will be a point of self-expression in its totality, wherein I realize that the ideas of me having to comply to a certain institutional format is just self limitation and doesn’t represent at all the unconditional expression that I have walked and proven to myself I am able and capable of doing with no obstacles a all. So, I realize that I had still held fear and fear of being judged by ‘weird’ and ‘unconventional’ even in art school by my professors, which is ludicrous considering the type of work I am presenting and the school that is precisely created to break patterns of what is acceptable and what is not acceptable within an academic world.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged by others based on what I am working with, without realizing that this is not about ‘defending my thesis’ as this is not a thesis as something to ‘prove’ to others, but a single explanation of myself as this moment an this process of self-creation that I am walking and how it goes along with artistic expression as a point of support for it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am ‘betraying’ or ‘not making use’ of what I was supposed to have learned in school, just because of not being presenting plastic work in some specific discipline, which is just me fearing being judged for not complying to the usual modes of presenting the final work, without realizing that I was only trying to please others with my work in my mind, instead of actually physically walking it as myself without expecting to create any special form of ‘feedback’ that I could feel better or greater about myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to still hold on the idea and belief that I had to come out with the ‘greatest score I could attain’ which is what I would then be satisfied about, not realizing that because of fearing not getting this, I am instead not moving myself within this point simply because of fearing being judged.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this is such an ‘important thing in my life, ‘ without seeing and realizing that just by this single belief I am creating an entire point of separation between myself an this ‘final work’ based on the ideals I was still wishing and hoping to fulfill about myself, instead of just walking it as self and in such way, not having to be ‘expecting’ something out of it other than what I am able to express as myself in every moment that I dedicate myself to write here as myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to first create these entire ‘ideal’ about my final work and separate it from the actual walking it on a daily basis believing that the ‘final document’ had to be this outrageous and ‘outstanding’ expression which I now see and realize I was simply busy trying to fulfill in separation of myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use the positive feedback as a point of self-acceptance in separation of self, wherein I went into idealism instead of practivism, and that’s the entire point wherein I tried to fulfill the idea of who I am in separation of myself as the physical moment I am living in that I can simply direct myself to write it out, without going into fear of being judged, fear of not ‘fulfilling’ the reader, fear of coming ‘short’ in my expression and – all of these fears are absolutely unacceptable.

 

I realize that any moment that I see myself judging this point of work as ‘something separate’ from the daily writing I do and direct as myself, is simply an excuse to not dig further into realizing how obviously I was still holding such ‘final work’ as something beyond my nose, which means that I projected it into this elusive future, instead of bringing it here as self and as such ensure that I walk it as self, as the realization of who and what I am able to be and express in every moment of breath in relation to the process I am walking as myself here.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that I’ve made the ‘write choice’ for the topic because it was ‘positively accepted’ by my professor, which is just a point of self-manipulation based on thinking that ‘it is already great because my professor liked it,’ which then becomes a point to fulfill ‘for others,’ instead of myself expressing myself here in every single moment of breath.

 

I forgive myself that I accept and allowed myself to move myself based on positive feedback, wherein I can see that I am not absolutely self directive the moment that I am still trying to fulfill an idea of myself based on what is ‘good’/ great from others, instead of taking myself into consideration as the expression that is here in common sense and that as such, It cannot be possibly refuted.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself to a single belief and expectation, which is as limited as a single thought waiting to be fulfilled by an external stimuli to keep the positive energy running. I stop myself as a character that seeks to be something ‘great’ for others, and instead, remain constant as the realization that all that I am is already here and that any delusion of moreness or less than is just a mind-belief that is in no way who and what I really am.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to still allow my mind to direct myself as fears that I suppress with other activities, thinking that ‘the right time will come,’ without realizing it won’t ‘come’ by itself, but that I have to practically and physically direct it as myself at all times.

 

 

Rumbos-inciertos

Rumbos Inciertos 2006

 

Self Corrective Statements.

When and as I see myself resisting and not wanting to go into what I have deemed as an ‘academic writing,’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am separating myself from information and placing it as ‘more’ than who I am in every moment, without realizing that this is one single point that I can direct as the expression of myself in the moment, instead of being wanting to become something ‘else’ to be academically correct, which is the point that I have been struggling with and seeing it as ‘something I cannot yet be sure about, ‘ which would imply that I am seeing the ‘academic work’ as separate from the expression of who and what I am in every moment of breath. Everything is here, I allow myself to direct it as myself.

 

When and as I see myself creating this final work something ‘more’ than myself, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am making it more than myself because of the ideas that I have created toward ‘finishing a career’ and comparing myself to my sisters and their final thesis/ presentation, of which I personally took it as this point that I had to ‘surpass’ and better at all cost, just so that I could go out with the triumphant belief that I had been this bright student throughout my life and that ‘my final exam was no exception,’ which is just me future projecting and expecting to be ‘remembered’ by teachers, by parents, by colleagues as something ‘great’ other than myself here in simplicity.

 

When and as I see myself doubting my own expression in any given moment in relation to presenting a work toward any institution, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am only separating myself from the constancy and consistency of myself as self-direction and allowing me to be tampering it with the ideal of me having to adjust such expression to be liked/ accepted by the academy, without realizing that this is just a self-belief that I’ve come to feed and fuel as ‘who I am’ as the character of ‘the perfect student’ that has no place here as myself, as the physical body that is not defined by knowledge and information or ‘who I have been’ in/as the past.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to fulfill the ideal of ‘the perfect student with a perfect final work’ I stop and I breathe, I realize that I am seeking to fulfill an ideal of who I am in separation of myself, which is not acceptable, as everything that I am is already here as myself and any idea of me as ‘more’ than myself and/or wanting to ‘maintain’ a self-imposed title is only ego.

 

When and as I see myself placing conditions onto my expression in order to suit an ideal according to be presentable to a certain institution/ school / academy, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this limitation can only exist as fear that I can stop in a moment of breathing and physically directing myself to express in common sense. Who and what I am is constant and consistent no matter what, thus any condition/ impediment is only stemming from myself as the mind wanting to preserve or remain stuck within a single character which I realize now is unacceptable.

 

When and as I see myself still believing that I have to ‘become’ a character in order to write, I stop and I breathe. I realize that the elusiveness of me writing myself is still a mind-created experience as any form of ‘impediment’ can only exist as an actual fear of being judged, fear of doing something wrong, fear of not suiting the ideals placed by the academy, fear of getting ‘stuck’ into something which are all bullshit and ludicrous points as I see that my nose clears when I clear my head from these ‘ghostly limitations,’ that can only exist the moment I place myself into THINKING about it, instead of just physically directing myself to write.

 

When and as I see myself seeking perfection outside myself based on the ideal of ‘who I as in the past,’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is only me sabotaging my entire ability to be/ live and express in one single moment, one single being that is here as the physical expressing self as the physical, which means that I do not require to get myself into a certain ‘state of mind’ to write out the work, nor do I require more ‘knowledge and information,’ for it, it’s just a matter of directing myself to do it.

 

When and as I see myself still as something/ someone in separation of who I am in every moment of breath when/ while being preparing the work for school, facing teachers and so forth in such ‘art realm,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that the anxiety that I’ve suppressed and experienced was just this suppression of myself based on the ideals of how I had to do it, who I had to pleas and where I could ‘be wrong,’ which was all based on me having difficulty explaining myself in the past whenever I tried to explain this process to others, without realizing that at that time I had barely begun it, and that it was impossible for me to really express myself as it, because I had not walked it.

 

When and as I see myself believing that I have to ‘keep up’ my status toward others and caring about what family/ friends will say about me and my final work, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is it, this is the moment wherein I can finally allow myself to step out of my beloved character of miss perfection and allow myself to express in common sense without any expectation toward it, as I realize that the point that I will be serving is Life itself and not a single character building career.

 

When and as I see myself feeling defeated because I could not attain to ‘the highest honors’ I see that this is just plain egotistical bullshit and has no space to hold here as myself any longer. It’s all memory based and memories are only self-limitations as the lies we believed ourselves to be in separation of who we already are here as one and equal. This is no higher talk, this is a certainty. This implies that any egotistical institutional reward is nothing but an ego-game to gain further positive experiences that are only energetic fleeting moments to rub the ego as the mind. The physical cannot be flattered.

 

When and as I see myself forming a character when trying to fulfill a character, I stop and I breathe. I realize that the moment that I see something as ‘difficult’ and that I deliberately place aside to not give it immediate direction, I am in fact just fearing having to face letting to of my own ideals and facing the reality of myself without the highest expectations that I had still held within myself, which became a point of comparison toward ‘who I was’ in the past, which is in no way who and what I am here any longer – the character is not real.

 

When and as I see myself still believing myself to be this ‘flawless student,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that this ideal was actually stemming from the fear to not be good enough and fuck it all up, which is the exact fear as irrational as all fears that I have been living out with no direction given because of believing that I had to do something ‘else’ in separation of myself.

 

When and as I see myself fearing not being ‘good enough’ at the eyes of people in academy, I stop and I breathe. I realize that the ‘betrayal’ toward the career is only me wanting to fulfill a character in an ‘appropriate manner,’ which is in no way what I am willing to diminish myself to. Thus, I stop the bullshit and direct myself to express myself here, no judgments attached.

 

When and as I see myself worrying/ future projecting about the moment of presenting my work, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this all stems from the value/ worth I had kept toward ‘the academy’ as something superior than myself, without realizing that this is just a limitation that I created within myself and has no space In reality as a certainty – thus, I stop.

 

When and as I see myself going into regret, I stop and I breathe – I realize I am simply sabotaging myself even further, the only point to correct this is to practically and physically direct myself to do that which I was procrastinating to direct as myself.

 

When and as I see myself going into comparison in relation to how my sisters presented their final works in school/ university, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I cannot possibly compare myself to others, as each one’s process is different – hence I stop placing these benchmarks for myself and rather direct myself to do what is required to be done and that’s it.

 

When and as I see myself fearing what academics will think, believe or perceive about myself and my work, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this point of fearing being judged is just irrational as all fears, and that there is no possibility to fear expressing myself here as who and what I realize I am. I cannot possibly remain trying to defend myself as a character, and I see that the entire problem is how I titled the work itself – as ‘the artist’ and that because I do not see myself as an artist, I created an entire unnecessary conflict with it, simply because of fearing simply presenting myself as a human being, not one single character only.

 

Thus I direct myself to make the necessary arrangements to express how I cannot only define myself as a career in order to satisfy some ideals I Have upon myself and others toward myself. I cannot lie myself any further for any purpose or any justification, as the work itself is about myself and my self-honesty.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to place myself as ‘intellect in conflict’ and within this forgetting completely about the physicality that I am and exist as, which is and cannot possibly be diminished to a single character playing as ‘who I am.’

 

When and as I see myself believing that I will have to ‘prove’ myself to others, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I had ‘lived’ this point toward other beings in my world, but somehow I had held school as this immaculate piece of reality that I could not equalize myself as, still seeing it as ‘beyond’ myself.

 

Thus, I direct myself to finally let go of any idealization toward myself and my career – and everything that I had linked to ‘art’ itself and really, actually equalize it as myself, as who I am.

 

When and as I see myself trying and believing that I have to ‘impress’ others with my work, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is not me here as physically speaking and doing in the moment, but existing as a future projection of ego wanting to be fulfilled.

 

When and as I see myself placing value onto my ‘final score’ I stop and I breathe, I realize that this is the character-rating that I have been bound to the most time in my life, always being used to ‘getting the most’ and believing that if I don’t get ‘the most’ this time, I have failed. Which is not so, it is just a character waiting and wanting to get ‘the most’ to continue existing as myself. Thus, I direct myself to present myself and express in the moment with no expectations as I see how expecting creates anxiety and anxiety creates a limitation to express unconditionally as it is all fear based on being judged, I stop and I direct myself in the moment.

 

When and as I see myself thinking and believing that ‘this is such an important moment in my life,’ and seeing it as the ‘pinnacle’ of myself, I stop and I breathe. I realize that who I am is not based on memories and future projections, but simply here walking the system for what it is – I walk it in equality – no more and no less.

 

When and as I see myself expecting my ‘final work’ to be this outrageous paper, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am going ‘ahead’ of myself, and that all I require is to express myself as I exist in the moment, which can express in common sense without any extra desire to be ‘more’ than myself, thus I direct myself to express me without wanting to suit/ fit in a certain ideal of myself toward myself and others.

 

When and as I see myself using positive feedback as a way to move myself, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is only the ego being stroked and getting fuel to continue going. Who I am does not require positive feedback but only self-movement as the realization that everything that I require to be is already here as myself .

 

When and as I see myself separating this ‘final work’ from any other writing I do on a daily basis, I stop and I breathe. I realize that all I was doing was keeping it in a ‘special compartment’ which is not acceptable; otherwise it would not be me writing myself but me as character writing for other characters, perpetuating the character world. I am here to stop all characters as myself and in others, and instead direct myself to write something that will not be base on wanting to ‘fit in’ within the academic world, but that genuinely represents my own process of self-correction and self-direction as the creator of myself.

 

When and as I see myself using zeal as positivity to direct myself to do something, I stop and I breathe. I realize that within this I am only reducing myself to a single character fulfilling itself and is I no way me supporting myself as the expression that is constant and consistent here as breath. No more and no less required.

 

When and as I see myself expecting a final resolution of having a ‘great work’ and getting compliments in such future projections about myself and my work and ‘who I am’ toward others, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is not even a matter of being humble, but simply realizing that anything that can be said about my work and myself has I no way any influence as to who I am, as all I am is here as breath and no words can make me more or less than ‘it all.’

 

When and as I see myself existing as a future projection and expectation of fulfilling myself as a character, I stop and I breathe. I realize that the desires that I fueled from a young age were based on me only being a single character/ ideal that is in no way who and what I am as the totality of myself. Thus, I direct myself to walk this point as per requirement and stop limiting myself and my expression based on characters I played in the past that is not here any longer.

 

When and as I see myself deviating myself to do ‘something else’ instead of finalizing this work I stop and I breathe. I realize that the word ‘finalization’ means giving it a breath by breath direction without holding on to a single ‘outrageous outcome’ that I expected of myself in my mind, as that is in no way related to who and what I am here as the constancy and consistency of breath.

 

I direct myself to finish what I started.

 

 

Azul

 

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Note to Self: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make such a mind drama today, without realizing it’s hormones taking the wheel instead of myself here as the physical. Thus I direct myself to stand one and equal as my physical so that I don’t have to go wondering around what the fuck is wrong with me today.


82. “WTF was I Thinking?”

Facing the consequences of our decisions and the ‘I have to do this’ character

When a point that is realized as not having been the ‘best option possible’ and we decide to walk it into completion, if the decision is not entirely walked here as self, as breathe, a new character forms from: the ‘I have to do this’ character where it all becomes a burden, a haunting time-loop that one is aware one is walking – hence any ‘realizations’ stemming from walking the consequences are still standing within the ‘I have to do this’ character, wherein the moment that blame, guilt, remorse, victimization and judgments exist, we know that we are still playing out the character of ‘having to face the consequences’ as a duty, as a resistance and not as a self-directive decision at all times.

Here I walk one point that I experienced in the last weeks of school while overhearing a conversation of fellow colleagues about having an art degree and the ‘pointlessness’ of it within the job world.

 

Pattern: ‘I have to do this’ character as a decision walked in apparent self-direction – yet still allowing judgments toward the consequences faced.

Stepping out of competition when believing myself to be ‘inferior’ to others that did ‘well’ in the characterization process.

 

Self-Forgiveness

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that Who I am as Life is Who I am and Does Not require Memory as It is Who I Am.” – Bernard Poolman*

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear the moment I overheard people talking about being out of school already and finding no jobs, which is me participating as ‘fear’ and not here as breath. I realize that reacting to information as fear creates a limitation wherein I make such judgment real in my mind in order to use it as an excuse to give up before even having started.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is pointless having studied art because no one will ever place an ad on the paper requesting ‘an artist’ – which is how I maintained myself within guilt and judgment toward my career, instead of simply stopping and realizing that self-direction cannot be determined by the options offered – I must direct myself toward it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into further fear when overhearing people saying ‘the situation is quite fucked up’ – wherein I have allowed myself to go into self-deprecation and depression whenever there is a money-lack in my reality.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become so depressed when I was a little girl and we had extreme financial problems at home, and I would get petrified every time that my father would arrive home and say there were no sales, and looking at him with a desperate face of anguish and fear that I would mirror neuron his experience as a form of empathy, just because of believing that I had to be equally sad because everyone else was sad that there was no money, which is what I believed and perceived and projected upon others all the time during that time and whenever I see ‘weary faces’ in people.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘weary faces ‘ to financial problems, which is how I have judged the faces of people while being in public transportation and thinking that they are having a ‘rough financial time’ whenever I see such faces, which stems from how I would witness my father having this weary face whenever his business was not doing good at all.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the news of there not being ‘enough jobs’ to fear and petrification, as well as a general sense of anxiety because of the ‘uncertainty’ that the future represents in a monetary-level.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear and disillusionment when overhearing about financial problems, lack of jobs just because of how I lived that in my life as a ‘sad time, ‘ where we could not afford all the ‘fun’ we used to afford in my family during that financial crisis time, which indicates that my worry and concern was not because we had nothing to eat, but because we could not afford the ‘good life’ I had experienced before.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see that I had connected the ‘art career’ to ‘the good life’ that I sought to have, such as fame, fortune, traveling, meeting people and because I realized that such dreams were not based on reality and what’s best for all, shunning away my ‘dreams’ became a disillusionment in my mind, even if to me was ‘common sense,’ yet I did not investigate all the minor reactions that I had toward having to ‘give up’ such dreams, which is what I am now able to see with clarity.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to access the character of ‘everything is fine’ and ‘I’ve overcome it’ without doing proper investigation and research about my inner experience when having to apparently ‘give up’ my dream of following throughout my career with 100% of focus on it, which is a point that I realized I had blamed toward ‘walking process’ without realizing that I was just unnecessarily creating a judgment upon a decision, just because it was apparently ‘hard’ to give up my dreams.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that such dreams were just part of the desires that I used to keep myself bound to this ‘ethereal future of grandeur’ without taking into consideration the actual physical reality at all. This means that I built ‘castles in the air’ and that I in no way was directive as myself in practical reality consideration when building up such ‘dreams.’ Thus, it is not that I ‘gave up my dreams,’ but they were never real, they were just an illusion to keep me busy hoping, dreaming and desiring of someday obtaining them, without looking at the practical considerations of such dream and the actual viable ways to walk them into completion. This means, they were only my creation and beloved mindfuck.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to see disillusionment as something real, not seeing and realizing that it can only exist if I held ‘high stakes’ and hope to get somewhere/ something in separation of myself here. Thus the illusion was always unreal, as the name implies – therefore being disillusioned is removing the illusion from the equation of being here because it was never real and tangible anyways.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into regret and think ‘all this circus for nothing’ related to all that which I worked on throughout my career and seeing it as pointless, not realizing that in this is just a self-victimization process to make it all ‘worthless’ which means that I had given ‘more value’ than myself here to the entire career and what I would ‘become’ with it, as the personality moreness of the artist.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the thought pattern that I had used to accumulate shame, guilt and remorse about my past – discussed here – wherein sentences like ‘What the fuck what I thinking’? ‘I can’t believe that I’ve actually done that’ are used to reload myself as memories of the past, aggravate myself as blame, guilt and remorse instead of realizing that I can absolutely self-forgive the point and unconditionally let go of the past and walk myself here as the directive principle of who I am in every moment of breath in self honesty.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself with judgment believing that a ‘career’ is a ‘curse’ in my life, without realizing that I was simply justifying my experience in that moment by thinking about ‘who I am’ as a career instead of who I am here as every moment of breath.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a ‘time loop character’ whenever I speak about having to finish my career/ art school, just because of all the judgments that I held toward it which was in my mind like having to remain with a partner that I was no longer ‘in love with,’ hence turning it all into a bad romance that I had to endure just for the sake of system purposes in separation of myself. I realize that I walked the point as a decision to walk through what I created for myself as my decision and taking it into completion.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into guilt, remorse, regret and feeling like I have ‘wasted 5 years of my life’ with it, without realizing that there is nothing ‘wasted’ as I am here breathing and that I cannot ‘be more’ or use more of myself here than breathing and existing physically here.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that using sentences like ‘I wasted my time’ is just a way to exert guilt and blame in separation of myself in order to remain as a victim of my decisions as the mind, while who I am is here and is not bound to living as a memory when and as I direct and establish myself here as breath.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see getting a degree as the ‘reward’ after ‘the torture’ which is just a mind-game to see myself as victim that ‘had to go through it all for nothing’ when in fact nothing of what I do in separation of myself can remain ‘here’ as who I am, thus I realize that I simply walked into completion a decision I had made and that is the only practicality to it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge and manipulate into thinking ‘who the fuck requires a licensed artist anyways?’ which was a way for me to justify that ‘my career’ is something that does not require any validity within the system, which is an excuse and justification for me to not walk the system but remain within the ‘value scheme’ that is accepted in society according to ‘artists’ and ‘art creation’ being some type of ‘out of the system’ activity, when it is in fact not.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself unnecessarily by criticizing my own past as ‘bubbly fluffy dreams’ wherein who I am in such definition is existing as spitefulness, blame, guilt and even shame of my decisions in the past.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project this judgment onto the people around me wherein I ‘cage’ others into the judgments that I have accepted myself to exist as, in order to believe that ‘I know’ what they are going through,’ which can only imply so if I remain as the character that is existing as the ‘disillusioned artist’ when perceiving ourselves to Only be this one character in our reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate a character of ‘changing directions’ as in realizing that I had made an ‘uniformed decision’ in my life, and within that instead of absolutely letting go of it to simply be here, remain as breath in self-honesty, I created another character that recriminates itself as the past, believing itself to be the remorse, guilt and shame for such decision, not realizing that all that I chose to be and become is only based on the character that I wanted to be and become – hence to stop all characters I simply let go of myself as memories, as the decisions made in the past and simply support myself to establish who I am in every moment of breath here.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ponder in my mind about the decisions that are Already made, that are already done instead of realizing that it is done, it is the past and who I am does not require to exist as the past.

 

I see and realize how we have collectively kept ourselves bound to our own limitation when and by being affected as words of defeatism, lostness and general self-deprecation wherein fear is instigated in order to not step out of character and realize that who we are is physical beings not ‘artists’/ characters, and that we in fact determine who we are in every moment by what we accept and allow ourselves to be and become.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘I only fooled myself,’ which could come through as a realization, however when thought and attached to a single experience of remorse/ guilt, I become the character that exists as ‘regret’ only – which is not unconditionally letting go of the past as memories, but still holding on to that judgment as ‘who I am.’ Which I am not.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become the character of ‘having no enthusiasm to create any longer,’ which is stemming only from a self-victimized position in order to continue reminding me as ‘the one that was overzealous to create’ and within that, still compare ‘who I am here’ to that which I was in the past.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to compare ‘my artistic character’ to other artistic characters that pushed themselves further to reach that ‘moreness’ of themselves as being considered within the art-character world as ‘the best,’ and according to that, believe that they were ‘really making it,’ as we have learned in society to give more value/ importance to those that wear the character with the most zeal and pride, earning lots of money as a societal confirmation that they have in fact integrated themselves as ‘THE character’ in society, which is how we establish from such characters a point of reference of what is ‘possible’ for each one if we strive, fight and compete to become equal-characters to such idea of ‘satisfaction’ and ‘fulfillment’ according to what such character represents and requires in order to achieve the ‘ultimate stardom’ as ‘the ultimate character.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I was stepping out of the ‘artist character’ by not following through any longer with the same pursuit of happiness/ fame and fortune as ‘my fellow artist peer characters,’ I was diminishing myself, becoming less, a ‘drop out’ and a ‘loser,’ without realizing that these are only the social conventions fear tags that we’ve imposed onto those that refuse to take the ‘moreness’ of themselves as money, fame, glory and an eternal pursuit of happiness/ success, just because this represents no longer supporting the character that everyone else has become. Thus stepping out of the character-world at this moment implies not being supported by others, because it represents a threat to their character, as the realization that everything that we have ever been is/ has been a lie.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to play-out the entire relationship character with ‘art’ itself as the characterization that I used in order to pursue a ‘happily ever after’ type of scenario for ‘my future,’ and because I started realizing the illusion and fallacy that it was, I believed that now I had to be ‘sad’ and ‘spiteful’ toward myself as my decision because I was ‘giving up a dream,’ not realizing the dream for the illusion that it always was – thus the belief that it all ended up ‘badly’ just like in a relationship is yet another character for me to believe that I am ‘in fact’ now ‘less than myself’ which leads to a point of perceived lack, instead of realizing that who I am here does not require a characterization to exist, does not require a ‘moreness’ as an illusion available through and by the current fraud and illusion that money exists as in order to be satisfied with myself and call myself as ‘successful,’ which is how I had accepted myself to follow through my life: seeking success, recognition, satisfaction and this ideal ‘well being’ based on following the rules of the system to the T.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever feel ‘bad’ about the reactions that my decision to step out of character would influence other characters I have related myself to throughout my character-life such as ‘family’ and ‘friends’ when deciding not to follow through with the same pursuit as ‘characterization,’ but instead decide to walk the path of no-character wherein there is nothing more to be or become, there is nothing to attain, there is nothing to lose either, but only a realization of who we are as life and how we can practically direct ourselves as physical beings to create a world wherein what is best for all is considered and applied at all times.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into further judgment about my abilities in order to justify my own victimization as real, as not being ‘as talented as I kid myself to be,’ which is simply the realization that I created myself as this desire, I created the idea or belief that I required a particular talent to ‘become someone else’ as ‘an artist’ in my life, in order to become another character in society that could be ‘more’ than oneself as all the values and ‘importance’ given to careers and professions as if they were in fact something that could support a human being to be and become an actual living individual, which is not because: all careers are based on creating characters that will interact with other characters to create a character world, wherein all that we really in fact are is dismissed by believing ourselves to be such characters seeking to fulfill the ‘moreness’ experience of what such character requires to fulfill itself as a ‘complete/ satisfied character’ – which is what I had sought to be/ become, without realizing I was absolutely diminishing myself to One Single Point as self-definition and missing the entirety of myself here as breath, as the physical, as who and what I really am.

 

 

Self Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself going into any form of fear based on not having a job/ fear or not having any money, I stop and I breathe. I realize that fear in itself is just another way to occupy my mind instead of practically and physically directing myself to find a way to ensure that I can be financially stable according to the possibilities and options available, without holding any judgment as to ‘what I am capable of doing’ based on having only studied a certain career.

 

When and as I see myself judging myself or experiencing shame for having studied the career that I chose I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am not my career and that it does not define in any way who and what I am, and what I am able and capable of participating in. Thus I expand my possibilities to work and do what is best for all which is not defined by me as the ‘artist’ character any longer.

 

When and as I see myself projecting judgments onto people based on me believing they are worried because of having no money, I stop and I breathe. I realize this is me charging up memories of what I have defined as ‘financial worries’ according to certain ‘worry-like facial expressions’ that I see on people. I direct myself to not cage another in a certain character based on my own character-formations based on the past.

 

When and as I see myself creating a character of ‘overcoming’ something/ someone, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is another way to make myself feel ‘good’ about it and thus separating myself into another experience and not being in fact here as breath.

 

When and as I see myself judging myself as the past and the decisions I made, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is me existing as the mind as the past bringing forth that which is not who and what I really am. Thus, I walk the self forgiveness necessary and ensure that whatever I do, say, think is based on me in the moment according to the physical reality.

 

When and as I see myself accessing a form of belittlement based on the career I studied, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I cannot be more or less than another based on having studied something or not in comparison to others. Thus, I realize that I am not a career and the character that stems from such career, but simply a human being that is able to develop itself in the physical and practical consideration of what is required to be done and conducted/ directed in order to establish a new living reality wherein, who I am can physically express in equality. Which means that I cannot limit myself any longer to a single idea of ‘who I am’ as the past.

 

When and as I see myself haunting me with the memories of who and what I was, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am not my memories and that I am not the character that is ‘correcting itself form the past,’ but simply remain here as breath, walking moment by moment facing whatever is here based on self-honesty.

 

When and as I see myself comparing myself to others that studied the same career that I studied, I stop and I breathe. I realize this is a mechanism for me to remain in constant self-defeatism and belief of not being ‘good enough’ as ‘an artist/ my career’ which is a character definitions based on what the character was supposed to be/ become. Who I am does not require to achieve something in separation of myself, as what I am is here as my physical body that can’t be more or less than what is, as is.

 

When and as I see myself accessing thoughts of ‘success’ and measuring myself according to what others ‘achieve’ in their lives, I stop and I breathe. I realize that within this comparative process we cage ourselves as more or less than others based on how effective we are in the system where money dictates who is ‘more powerful’ than others and who’s ‘less’ than others based on money. Thus, I realize that within me stopping defining who I am as one single character, I am supporting myself to establish myself as the physical equality as life wherein all that is here is myself – hence what’s required to direct and align is who I already am in relation to an equality as life that I begin living as myself.

 

When and as I see myself defining myself/ who I am based on ‘talents,’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that who and what I am here is not defined by a career character, I direct myself to expand my ability to express and do based on practical application and experimentation in the moment in whatever I am required to do and direct myself as, based on the living principle that must be established here on Earth, of which I am walking as myself and I that there is and can be no limitation about it.

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that all Enslavement is in the End Self-Enslavement, as the Being Must accept their Memories on which the Programmed character Functions, as Real.” – Bernard Poolman

 

 

The Whiner 2003

 

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Vlog:

The Reincarnation Characterization: JTL Blog Review by Bernard Poolman – YouTube

 

The consequence of our thoughts at a physical level!!!

Reptilians – Thoughts becoming Flesh (Part1) – Part 64


Day 23: E-cummulation

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become a being that will only ‘accept myself’ / my ‘who I am’ based on the extent/amount of energy-experience I accumulate/manifest as consume within/as myself”

Sunette Spies Accept and Allow – the Contract with Death: DAY 22

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define myself and my beingness as a limitation, a caging of self-expression into a confinement called experience wherein who I am was reduced to being a single word as the name of an experience that I could identify as ‘who I am,’ in order to think, believe and perceive that ‘this is who I am’ and according to such definition, thinking ‘I am alive’ –

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to never question or even ponder about the experiences that I became so automated to seek, such as a sense of satisfaction, a single thrill from going to places, meeting people, hearing music, watching/ observing the world wherein I created relationships as experiences wherein all that I would ever experience is myself as my own programmed energetic reactions as the definitions that I created in order to make me feel ‘good’ or ‘bad’ about myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with anything/ anyone in my world in order to keep myself occupied in a constant experience that I created about something/ someone as that constant fueling ‘toward’/ in the expectation of an experience within a certain event, within consuming something, within meeting someone, within going to a certain place, within buying something wherein it would always feel better to exists in such anticipation that would eventually wane once that such expectation was fulfilled in either a positive or negative result, and within this experience the ups and downs of my self created patterns of experiences that I defined myself as ‘living for.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to always seek a crutch to keep living/ keep going in my reality – whether it was waiting for school to end, waiting for vacations, waiting for a concert, wanting to meet someone, waiting to ‘be older’ and always future projecting these events that I would accumulate energy toward and when such events would be gone/ fulfilled/ completed, I would go just like a vampire seeking for another ‘energy source’ for my next high to accumulate energy to eventually have it dissipate once that the ‘target was met’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become a moment/ experience builder wherein through giving meaning and values to everything and everyone around me, I crafted my own networks of energetic resources to ‘sip from’ – and within this it is to be understood how we have not in fact ever lived, because we have only sought to get high from energy and energetic experiences in either a positive, negative or neutral spectrum wherein we are constantly feeding a ‘state of mind’ that is kept as a constant thinking in our heads and in that, not being aware of what is it that I am in fact doing to myself, because I cannot see how thoughts that I create require energy to exist and such energy is sipped from the food that I consume as the physical resources in order to keep my ‘personal mind-heaven’ going as a constant experience-seeker.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to fear losing the relationships that I had formed toward people/ things/ places/ past and present because of thinking that I would be ‘dead’ as a ‘vegetable,’ without realizing that who I am as Life doesn’t require and in fact is violated/ abused the moment that we use it and denigrate its wholeness as substance into a single energetic experience wherein I am defining myself as that experience that I believe is ‘fulfilling’ and ‘satisfactorily’ which is how  I accepted and allowed to continue ‘building up experiences’ as memories that I could keep in my mind to continue my dreams and desires going, believing that I was doing ‘no harm’ in following these experiences, even though I was aware of how the effect of such highs would lead me to a low that I would seek to get back on top again, and in that allow myself to exist in this vicious cycle of ups and downs and believing that when I was in a ‘neutral’ state, I was ‘stable’ no realizing that I was still simply waiting in the middle ground to have some positive or negative experience to wind up my energetic self-experience again.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to judge the point of ‘stopping the mind’ as being dead and being ‘idle’ without realizing that the idleness that I would experience was self-created through thinking patterns of not getting ‘enough’ positive experiences and not being able to take me down to the bottom of the extreme negative out of fear of who I would become-  therefore idleness was a constant state of seeking and fearing myself as experiences, that I would cover up or maintain in a perceived ‘nothingness’ status quo, without realizing that I was in fact thinking myself into it, and still only defining myself as that experience of ‘nothingness’ without realizing that I was not really Here, breathing as my physical body – I was simply in a limbo position wherein self-direction was non existent.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my self direction and self-will to the will of who I am as what I have defined myself within the context of experiences as positive, negative and evidently neutral experiences wherein my beingness became a ‘state of being,’ wherein ‘who I am’ became a single definition according to ‘how I am experiencing myself’ and in this, never really considering that the physicality that I am and exist as is in fact the reality of myself – simply because of having accepted these energetic experiences as ‘who I am,’ and within this perceiving breathing, being here as being dead. The world is in reverse.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into moments of yearning to ‘experience’ something which is just like a drug addict that yearns to have another fix, just because of realizing to what extent we have defined who we are according to an experience, a rush, an ‘elevation’ that can only last for so long wherein the rest of this reality is absolutely side viewed and disregarded, because I accepted and allowed myself to only care about me, my satisfaction and this becoming part of the army of egotism as a ‘lifestyle’ wherein we as human being compete against each other, create deliberate conflict in order to be on top of others, deliberate cheat and lie to become ‘better’ than others in our own minds – and i f such results are not fulfilled, we veer to a negative reinforcement wherein the opposite experiences are embraced in order to get the same energetic experience yet within a not so popular way of creating our own personal heaven, which is how paraphilias and so called mental fetishisms are created, as such ‘special relationships’ that are not broadly accepted as ways to trigger out emotions/ feelings just the same way that light and love is broadly accepted as an energy trigger.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could not be ‘someone’ unless  I was valued, worthy, recognized, appraised by others which meant that without the experiences that I would get from such relationships, I would perceive myself as non-existent, just because of the extent that I had delegated everything that I am as a physical breathing human body to only be running on energetic experiences at a mind level, wherein suffering or any perceived depression was equally satisfactory in a reversed manner, wherein I would get a kick out of that which is gloomy and depressive and sad/ dismal/ lugubrious/ obscure – without ever considering that I was living just the opposite side of seeking happiness, bliss, love, light and all the positive aspects that I deemed as ‘socially acceptable,’ which meant that my energetic-drive was a constant opposition toward that which was socially acceptable as good/ benevolent, which came from me designing myself a deliberate disruption to a perceived perfect world and stable environment, which means that

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to always want to get an energetic experience the moment that I perceived that ‘nothing was going on,’ which asserted me as only being ‘existent’ and ‘alive’ if I was desiring, looking forward to, expecting, seeking, wanting, desiring, as these energetic hooks that I would extend to something/ someone in order to keep that mind-relationship in place that I could use at any given moment to trigger a positive or negative experience out of, without ever realizing that I was merely confirming that negative experienced that ensued the moment that I separated myself form the whole in this individualization of ‘who I am’ as only a definition, an idea of self, a set of preferences and dislikes that can only exists as a particular configuration of ‘who I am’ wherein all actions, thoughts, deeds had a calculated outcome/ effect according to my input/ placing myself as the cause to obtain a result, which is what lead me to become like a hunter or a vampire in my reality wherein everything that I would say/ do/ think and live out would be in order to get an experience out of what I perceived others would do/ say/ convey as a result of my input, wherein I became an actual energy-hunter with strategies and energy-triggers that I embodied as ‘who I am,’ in order to get people’s attention and at the same time, be rejecting such attention which is the typical love-hate polarity game that we play in order to keep our poles as energetic devices that run on energy, which is what I used my physical body to do, just an energy transformer to fulfill my mind-elations.

 

 

“we’ve become beings within existence, that only exist for as long as we can power/empower ourselves from/of the transforming of our beingness substance into/as Energy – limiting the ‘time’ of our existence to the equation of the relationship between our substance and the consuming of that substance into energy. Where in the very nature/manifestation within ourselves as manifested-singularities in the beginning, we’d come into being as an individualized part/expression of/as substance, but immediately proceed with the processes of consuming our own substance/life and transforming it into energy. And as we continue within that process, we’re consuming our own ‘life’.” Sunette Spies [a]

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to get used to being constantly seeking and experiencing ‘something’ as giving name to that self-created and maintained experience at a mind level toward my reality and people wherein within this self-idealization as separate from the rest, all that was left for me to do is giving names, categorizing, assessing, valuing, devaluing this reality into a way that I could claim was ‘my own life’ as ‘my opinion’ about the world, as ‘my perspective’ as ‘my mind’ that I sought to have people ‘respect’ because I had taken the time to dissociate myself in specific elitist manners wherein not everything/ everyone could be part of my ‘specialized world’ in my mind wherein only ‘special beings’ and ‘special people’ and ‘special traits’ would be regarded as worthy of being in my mind-trophy wall of points that would make me feel good about myself/ others and the world as a point of relationship/ separation from who I really am, wherein I was making the statement of ‘I am an individual that exists as this specific configuration of separation as relationships that trigger a positive or negative experience within me, wherein I am nothing else but these experiences that I get from naming, identifying, judging, valuing, assessing others and everything in separation of myself, which is how I had lived as a knowledge and information robot that disregarded the very life essence that would allow such thoughts, such schemes, such experiences to continue as thoughts  in my head that would turn into experiences that would turn into ‘who I am’ in any given moment.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to live for and drive myself to seek the most ‘original ways’ as usually understood as that desire to be as ‘singular/ special/ unique’ as possible wherein deliberate fascinations as relationships to what which wasn’t ‘socially acceptable/ embraced’ became ‘my point of fascination’ wherein I believed that I was ‘unlike anyone else’ because no one that I knew would have the same likes and preferences, and in this, I felt ‘special’ and ‘rivalry-safe’ wherein anyone that could seemingly present a similar pattern of likes/ preferences in my world, I would immediately identify as a potential rival/ enemy that I had to overcome and out-do in any possible way, which implied I had to go a notch higher to identify myself with a more ‘extreme’ version of that which defined ‘who I am’ in order to always be able to remain as a ‘winner’ within the idea of who I am toward my environment and others in it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to always put all effort, time and money to make of any experience within my life something that I could call ‘memorable’ as the creation and energy-input that I would give in order to get the most ‘fulfilling effect’ out of it, as a memory that I could keep/ cherish for further ‘remembrance’ as in being able to re-live that energy as ‘who I am’ in any given moment, just like the mechanism of revamping experiences through memories and get the same ‘experience’ that I had initially decided I would imprint such memory with, wherein my memories became ‘my life,’ the definition of me as events, people, places, words, things as the e-ccumulation of myself as this energized personality as my ego, as ‘my precious’ that I had carefully crafted in order to eventually, someday, be ‘proud of who I am’ as a lifetime achievement of these positive experiences that could make me feel like ‘more’ than who I am as the simplicity of a physical body here, that I never ever regarded as the actuality of who I really am, and instead having lived the exact opposite wherein ‘all that I was’ was this collection of memories, events, experiences that I could re-live/ re-vamp through bringing the memory here and getting the same energetic experience out of it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever believe that ‘who I am’ is this accumulation of energy as memories, experiences and ideas of myself in order to eventually be able to judge my life as successful, miserable or plain/ dull according to the expectations as dreams that I had set up for myself while growing up, wherein the pursuit of happiness was reinforced in school when having to write about our future and ‘where would we see ourselves in’ wherein if one would not achieve such dreams, I would deem my life as a failure; without realizing that it is within these future projections to ‘fulfill my dreams’ that I accepted and allowed myself to continue supporting the same system of incentives and rewards as ‘living’ wherein the accumulation of ‘who I am’ can be eventually considered as a successful living or not within my own mind and at the eyes of others.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘miss out on life’ because of constantly talking myself into an experience and seeking for some experience deliberately either positive or negative but ‘experiencing’ something as I feared my non-thinking and non-existence as not being experiencing something, which is the exact opposite of what is actually real, wherein being here breathing, moment by moment is living and any diversion from the physical moment as breathing, is indicating me a point of relationship as an experience that I have created within myself in separation of who I am.

I realize that within being here as a whole, I don’t require to ‘accept’ myself as something as I am it, – therefore I see the importance of walking all past relationships as the very manifestation of separation-codes that I created toward ‘others’ in my reality as a reference of my relationships toward everything/ everyone to keep my ‘personality’ in place, wherein I had to ‘have an opinion’ have an experience toward everything and everyone in order to be able to ‘relate to them,’ which was diminishing ‘who I am’ as a character seeking to establish relationships of acceptance/ rejection of others in separation of self, a complete cycle of segregation from the wholeness that I have neglected as who I really am.

 

I commit myself to walk my relationships as the point of responsibility that I hold toward myself as the whole as the points that I have created and deliberately participated in ensuing separation within the acceptance of me as a character/ personality/ ego that ‘had to’ have an experience toward reality, otherwise I would be seen as ‘character-less’ and ‘bland’ and ‘dead’ which is how I accepted to play the games of society to always be either in a positive or a negative experience for the sake of complying to what we have socially accepted as ‘living’ as being either happy/ fulfilled/positive experience or miserable/ depressed/negative experience, as the polarities that would invariably go up and down in each being’s life in order to maintain a polarized reality that would generate enough energy to keep our ‘heaven’ in place as a custom-made paradise that would apparently fulfill our dreams/ our lives as a reward of living an accumulation of good deeds within the score-kept to eventually believe that I could be ‘more’ at the end of my life than who I really am, which is ludicrous in nature – yet as real as the consequences/ effect of my initial belief within this energetic system as ‘who I am.’

 

I commit myself to walk the necessary writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application to walk my relationships as points of separation into ‘giving back to myself’ as the reintegration of myself as who I really am wherein all reactions created toward ‘another’ are recognized as self and as such, given-back to finally stop participating in generating energy to continue living as a e-ccumulation of experiences as ‘who I am,’ which is correcting my living from ego/ as energy experiences into an earthing-grounding-birthing myself as a physical being that does not require to thrive on energy to exist – but only establish equal agreements toward everything and everyone within the necessary relationships that we are currently existing as Life in this reality.

 

That implies that a practical way to stop all friction, all positive reinforcement and negative devaluing is through equalizing Money in this reality to finally recognize each other as equal-parts of who I am, as equal-cells of the body that I exist as wherein I realize within common sense how it is the only way that we can continue living in this world, otherwise cancer is created as an over-growth that indicates negligence toward the whole as who I am. For this the Equal Money System is the solution that will equalizing the playing field within humanity to start acknowledging each other as equals, while walking our individual processes of re-educating ourselves to grasp, understand and live the law of our being as equality as a living realization of who we really are.

 

 

I realize that keeping myself within the existence of ‘who I am’ as energy, I am ensuring my own depletion as keeping my ego in place implies I must consume the earth to exist as I am defining the ‘who I am’ in separation of the whole, which is how this reality has become the egofication as the fixations that we created and accepted as ourselves within our minds as experiences toward all in separation of ourselves. Thus for me to establish an equal and one recognition, I set agreements wherein no abuse is possible as such separation will recede as I walk a process of self-forgiveness to give myself back to myself, reintegrating myself to all the parts that I have defined myself in separation of.

 

 

Last Man on Earth

Last Man on Earth 2009

“The World-System of Money is consuming the very life of/as this physical existence, only because it’s on an existential scale it takes longer than what we do within ourselves and our own human physical bodies, where instead of this existence being manifested within the equal and one support of life and living – the World-System of Money is consuming this physical existence to its slow, sure but certain death. Rotting ourselves away from the inside and out, as we have become the very enzymes within our relationship to substance/physical as our relationships creations of energy that deteriorate and break-down substance/physical-tissue for our own survival as Energy-Consuming machines: Rotting ourselves away within and without – instead of standing equal-to and one with substance/physicality to produce life/living…” Accept and Allow – the Contract with Death: DAY 22

 

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2012 Wake up, Character: Life is not a Play!

“Your past history and all of your hurts are no longer here in your physical reality. Don’t allow them to be here in your mind, muddying your present moments. Your life is like a play with several acts. Some of the characters who enter have short roles to play, others, much longer. But all are necessary, otherwise they wouldn’t be in the play. Embrace them all, and move on to the next act.” Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

 

The reality is that the moment that we accepted and allowed ourselves to believe that ‘life is but a play-out of events’ and ‘people the characters in our play,’ we define and reduce our living-physical reality to a  single –and often looping – story-to-tell and cherish for a future, where we can ‘look back’ and get a kick-out of re-experiencing such memories in our minds. Is it that we are only predictable characters in a story that we apparently only ‘find ourselves walking into’? ‘When,who, what and how am I generating these experiences and events in my reality?’ – ‘How on Earth have I gotten myself to this current experience?’ ‘Why am I torturing myself with self-deprecating thoughts?’ ‘Why can’t I stop thinking about the past!’

These are common sense questions that we tend to shove under the rug in one single moment, and it is in such moments that we have ‘skipped’ in our reality that we blindly accept that such experiences as thoughts, feelings and emotions are ‘Real’ – the blasphemy that comes when saying: it was all in your mind’ often crushes the gist that some have defined as an energetic kick gotten from a ‘positive’ and ‘negative’ experience in our reality – yet it was never actually REAL, but only generated within our own minds. Who we are here is the accumulation of the past, present  – and certainly if we continue the same way, the future as well – thus Time is only a nice elusive trap to believe that we have actually moved – yet we haven’t – we are here, we remain here and the only thing that will move is self as the establishment of being and becoming a living-moment of breath, of self directing self in such simple moments wherein we are Here or only perpetuating the past.

Have we exchanged this living moment of breath for a limited rush of experiences that eventually wither and decay? Who are the ones enslaving ourselves to such mental relationship? We are – and ‘moving on’ won’t be as easy as just saying so.

 

Who created and manifested such ‘hurts’ in our life? We did – what Dr. Wyer suggests is only using a band-aid solution to any accumulated backchat and reactions toward a particular person or event in our life that we fed in a direct way through our own thoughts, emotions and feelings. It is easy to say ‘embrace it all and move on’ as if the human mind was so ‘detachable’ from everything that we have linked ourselves to in specific relationships, we become our relationships and it’s clear that in our current reality, all relationships have been based on being self-interest driven characters that sought personal drama and glory all the time. How limited, to be dead honest.

 

These nice theatrical statements lead us to believe that ‘we must seek characters for our play!’ lol – and then go through life yearning to establish a point of connection with people to have some drama in our life. And I speak for myself in this – I was so imbued in storytelling and living through books that I only yearned and desire to live some of the experiences that the Characters of the books had. We called this ‘series of events’ as ‘life’ – experiences that we lead ourselves-to within the accepted and allowed belief that living is going through this rollercoaster of highs and lows – just like how sugar and love create a chemical reaction within our minds, wherein the moment we are ‘on a low,’ we seek the next rush in one way or another. In my case even the pit of depression would feel ‘good,’ because it was still a miserable energetic experience, eventually becoming a constant dependency that must be kept ‘down’ as a constant mental-state that I would feed with words, pictures, ideas and beliefs about the world, people, etc… Ehm-hem: it was all in my head!

 

Whether being the tormented or a cheerful positive person, both poles lead us to believe that life is a high end of a low and vice versa – lol – is it, really? Sounds more like the mechanism of a rollercoaster ride. Are we only these experience-seeking beings going up and down, bouncing off one moment then dozing off, then waking up to seek the next greatest energetic experience?

 

Move on to the next act’ – again, another play, another story to tell, another sequence of events that must have an ‘extra layer of adrenaline’ to make it better than the last one, more ‘extreme’ and ‘outrageous’ – just for the sake of gaining props in our personal scores. The next act we create with other people that apparently ‘leave a mark’ on us, never realizing that all experiences we created toward ‘them’ have always only existed in our own minds.

 

Is life – better said- should life be reduced to such feeble mind acts? No, that’s definitely dishonoring the very breath that holds all our mindfucks alive. Is it that we have never realized it? I’d say it’s more a point of not having allowed us to stop for a moment to see ‘who am I within seeking the next greatest ‘fix’ in my life? – ‘Is seeking to create events an actual way of Living?’ – What is Living?

 

Being here as breath, being absolutely self-directive in everything we do, think, say and how we interact with others is the base foundation of a life based in and as a sequence of breaths and not ‘events’ that hold the entire novel-like development, taking us on a ride up until the never quenching moment of climax/ orgasm that can only last for a moment to inevitably – by Newton’s law – fall back into a low, leaving us like addicts seeking for one more ‘ticket to ride.’ LOL

The power of equality is the gravity that bounds us to the Earth, to that which is real and applies to all. It is only the helium that we pump into our minds as thoughts and feelings that make us believe we can fly.

 

Oh god, all our songs, our culture, our behavior, our personalities, our characters defined according to playing a role in this entire play that we have called life – is it REALLY this in-and-out reality all that we are? Are we supposed to only be these storytellers that must always have a happy-glowing end or a tragically absurd type of human misery that leaves us Also craving for more?

No – who we are as Life must not be defined by energetic experiences that are self-created and induced as chemical reactions that we eventually become addicted to. No one can blame another for being an addict, because we all are as long as we are seeking for our next big score.

 

We are more than capable of scripting a reality that is constantly based on a living-physical experience that is satisfactorily for ALL as Equals – no need to create fluffy-puffy experiences to believe that ‘we’ve made it’ somehow. Lol! This is about Life!  Not a race! How can it be? We have trapped-ourselves into but an illusion of winning and losing – loving and hating – wanting and rejecting – all existent in our own minds.

 

So, the point is quite clear now: we require to stand as the principle that writes a script to LIVE, to enjoy and express for the sake of actually experiencing our physical bodies and sharing ourselves with others as well – allowing all to see that any mystical idea of being in a tragic comedy is only a game played to keep us busy in our minds, to then seek for a remedy to our own self-created misery – neglecting  the actual reality that certainly requires our full attention to see that what others are physically enduring is not only a ‘role in the play’ but the consequence of us living in fairy tales and missing out on ReALLity – we have become real ET’s on this earth, living up in our minds while missing hearing the grass grow.

 

So, we’re here to become the actual Characters that Live, the care-takers of the Earth = the Living Words that are not only a flickering result of lights that go on and off in a binary mode. I suggest that you give yourself a chance to take your life by the hand, and walk yourself out of these squared lines to finally hold the pen and script the life that you are willing to live for eternity as All, as One and Equal.

Support for that is here

 

“Love and Feeling must be understood to stop the abuse that is allowed in its name as Biochemistry. What is Real? man know thyself!!!”
Bernard Poolman 

 

No more strings attached to the past, the future or the present – no more Tie-me’s that exist only as the mind. We exist here in every breath that we take in and out – moment by moment wherein we establish who we are as Life or a character that lives through the eyes of the mind. What do you choose to be?


Selling Yourself to the eyes of the capitalist mind

Exposing our preprogrammed-nature is part of walking this process and one of the coolest things about participating in Desteni is being able to read ourselves through others as we are all essentially copies that exist with similar patterns that we’ve defined as ‘who we are’ and only differ in ‘make up’ so to speak.

The physical judgment seems to be quite an extensive point and I’ve walked the point just as the majority of people in this world – we’ve allowed ourselves to be bound to a single idea of ‘who we are’ through the eyes of another – what a fuckup.

I can certainly remember how much stress I’d go through due to this point, due to not feeling ‘alright’ in my own skin and so because of all the self-judgment that I had accumulated through comparing myself to other girls specifically, I decided to step out of the usual cookie-cutter stereotype of ‘female’ and engaged into ‘alternative ways’ of looking to deliberately ‘not fit in’ and pretend to be ‘fine’ within that – yet in essence still creating myself as the opposite of that which I deemed as overrated, as popular, mainstream, the usual female-stereotype that I ran away from for such a long time only to then try to embrace it with even worse effects that I’ve talked about before extensively so – I share something I just read in Rebecca’s blog:

“Watch yourself; Do you tell the same stories again and again and again? Do you tell stories that “uphold” a belief you have of yourself? Are these stories really just a need for constant validation? And what does this really do?”
Dalmas, Rebecca. “Flea infestation reveals how we are in this world..” Rebeccakarlendalmas Blog (2011): Web. 29 Aug 2011. <http://rebeccakd.wordpress.com/2011/08/29/flea-infestation-reveals-how-we-are-in-this-world/>.

This is essentially what we do as human beings just tell the same stories that validate our ‘place in the world’ with our little stories that make our entire ‘lives’ apparently ‘something’ to ‘someone else’ while we didn’t even actually consider LIFE itself but only the creation of experiences that we regarded as ‘living’, as ‘being alive’ – fucked up. I can still, till this day, see how there’s this ‘desire’ to create an experience just for the sake of believing that’s ‘living’.

When I was at the farm for a year, I got quite used to living a simple kind of life wherein your life becomes that of actual living – taking care of things that make your life possible in the most practical sense. By this I mean, I had already enjoyed the usual so-called ‘chores’ of day to day living but there it was like integrated as an actual point of enjoyment – lol it may sound weird but that’s how it was, I enjoy having a cool place to live in wherein things are considerably clean and arranged in a way  where it’s cozy, wherein we could enjoy ourselves even when living with another in the same room that wasn’t ‘huge’, like space didn’t matter at all – that’s when you get to see how futile it is to place value on the outrageous demands that this system places on your face to indulge into: big houses, big cars, big bucks to have ‘big experiences in life’ – all of that is seriously something that I got to see for what it is, and one then understands how people with money seek more and more outrageous experiences for the sake of out-doing their own experiences – it’s like a drug addict that needs larger quantities every time to get the same ‘effect’.

 

Life is NOT an experience, life is NOT an ‘effect’ of something – this is only what we’ve accepted and allowed ourselves to believe through the eyes of the mind, the cravings of the system that requires energy to keep going.

 

This is certainly what’s driving us crazy at this moment and it seems impossible to stop because, in essence, stopping your mind and directing yourself implies that: stopping allowing ourselves from being these machines that require constant ‘fixes’ to continue – even indulging in a memory for the sake of mental-masturbation is a possession wherein we’re not here but telling the same stories that validate ourselves as mind-systems – nothing else.

 

Yet, because we’ve agreed for so long that life/living  is an accumulation of experiences, we’ve driven ourselves to our quest to gain some, to create some ‘living’ that is completely detached from our physical living reality. We go creating these characters of ourselves to believe that’s ‘who we are’ and people would remain ‘in character’ for the remainder of their lives. Fucked up! Glad we’re here aware of the cycles of the mind, aware of ourselves as programs that are standing up to life – yes, as blunt as it may sound that’s what we are and it is definitely possible to be patient and diligent enough to go stopping the participation in a world wherein quick-fixes as experiences that validate our existence are seen for what they are. Then it becomes more difficult to deceive ourselves and so everything is simplified, we’ve just got to accept the fact that we require to let go of the socially-acceptable ways of defining ‘living’ which is usually creating/buying experiences instead of actual physical walking breathing-living.  In the most practical terms.

 

Our physical self judgment derives from this inherent desire to appear as attractive to others and within that, diminishing ourselves to the state of being a single image that we spend our entire lifetime to make ‘acceptable’ to others, erasing ourselves as life from the entire image-equation. That is not who we are, that is but information that we receive through the I/eye of the mind which has nothing to do with the essence that’s equal and one with everyone/everything here.

That’s something that I see it’s just plain common sense yet it’s ludicrous how in our society and in our minds the point of perfect-image has become the actual credo and acceptable backchat within our minds – obviously this is Not acceptable when considering Self Honesty.

We have to stop existing as our own capitalists within our physical bodies, accumulating more and more of that which will create the picture-perfect and ideal-character for others to ‘buy it’ and essentially, seek to ‘have it’/ desire it – aren’t we just then like products selling ourselves? hmm – aren’t we only then creating us for the sake of getting the best ‘bidder’ for our own cause/ self-interest? Aren’t we just wanting to be ‘the winners’ all the time then? to be acceptable, ‘buyable’, ‘useful’ from the systematic perspective that we are existing as?

The moment I’d see this in social relationships and got to spoke about it as ‘selling yourself’ people would get offended, but it’s really how we have existed in this world, selling ourselves, selling life, selling an image, and experience and from there creating this floaty-bubble of values and worth that has nothing to do with actual-physical reality wherein acceptance, embracing ourselves, standing up within the recognition of what and who we really are has been missed which creates the requirement to stop deluding ourselves within this.

 

If you look at what ‘having money’ implies, it’s all about enhancing your abilities to have experiences, to accumulate stuff that ‘adds on’ to your ‘value’ – If everyone had an equal opportunity to experience life without having to attach money-value to it, then it certainly would become an extension of our expression instead of something that is fought for and compared with others. Though, currently seeking for such points only brings further separation, further submission to the system just for the sake of obtaining some benefits – ludicrous, man and completely unacceptable.

 

We’re here to dignify ourselves – we’ll walk in the game but won’t get ‘lost’ within it at all, we’re done with that.

 

This is the last life we live as merchandise waiting to be sold to the greatest bidder
this is the last life that I accept and allow myself to place a price tag to food so that others can’t have it
this is the last life that I accept myself to validate myself only through the eyes of other instead of first accepting me fully and completely, not only as ‘myself’ but as the entirety of this world and thus see what’s required to be done and work to be part of a solution to end all delusions.

 

We stop the bidding, we stop the selling of lies to get props within the system.

We walk as equals within this, Destonians – thanks for that –


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