Tag Archives: cheating

619. Learning From Relationships

 

I listened to three audios on Eqafe that I find essential to listen for everyone, considering how most of us – or so far I’ve only known one person in my life that was not interested in having a relationship – are usually looking for and aiming to ‘find that ONE person’ to establish a relationship with.  Here are the titles: Fear of Missing Out on a Fulfilling Relationship – Fears & Phobias, Using Relationships to Hide From Myself – Life Review, Time Alone Before Time Together – Life Review.

When I listened to the Life Review specifically, I could relate to what the woman shared with regards to the little time spent without and in between relationships and how that affected her in disconnecting from herself, from who she was and how much the constant seeking for a relationship made her dependent on the ‘other’ person to be complete within herself – this might be a bit of a vague description on my side, so I definitely recommend you listen to her story yourself. But! here I’m focusing on sharing what opened up for me as I was listening to her story.

First of all realizing that I have been in such kind of situation where I would end a relationship and start another one right away, not spending time alone to reconsider where I am and who I have been in the relationship –  in terms of what were my lessons learned, points expanded, faults, mistakes, things I can be grateful for etc. – and instead jumping into the next relationship. This is probably one of those weakest points I’ve had throughout my life and one that I have been particularly – secretly – ashamed of because it is obvious that it involves a lack of honesty towards myself within relationships in terms of what I can accept and allow, what I can commit to and how I have disregarded the consequences and the effect that me changing my mind about relationships can have on the partner and people around as well.

I share this because I do consider it vital to apply what the woman shares about her story, to be able to take some time off from relationships in order to ‘get back to oneself’. I’ve done both things and will share my experience in both situations.

There was a time that I’ve recently in my mind judged as very bleak, lonely and fruitless, this happened when I was living in Mexico City and I deliberately decided to learn to be alone – in a rather ‘extreme’ way to be alone I’d say – being then fully aware of my tendency to become dependent on being ‘always there’ for other people, being the kind of partner that lives the life of the partner and has none of her own – I decided to learn to be by myself –that means without relationships – and learn to know what I enjoy doing, learn to be comfortable being alone and doing things alone, going out shopping, to the movies, living on my own. Yes, maybe I took it to the extreme in terms of the lack of interaction I had with other people – including family and friends – but that’s something I am also now learning to do in terms of not being too extreme in the way that I decide to change things. So, in a nutshell, I call it my monkish period, and as much as in my mind I’ve judged it as a generally ‘bleak’ time, when I recently looked deeper into it to not resent my choices at that time, I see that such years were dedicated to live ‘me’, to know me better, to learn to be alone, to learn to do things that I decide to do – not that someone else ‘takes me’ to do – and there was a sense of independence formed that I would not trade off or change, because it assisted me to see where and how I compromised myself many times for the sake of being in a relationship and existing in fear of ‘losing’ something that I now know was not best for me, was constantly emotional, troublesome and detrimental to my expression and my living.

Then I got to a point where I decided I could establish a relationship again and I did, again looking back not having the best starting point because it did come from having formed an experience of alones at the time, but I tried to make it work nonetheless. I had settled in one relationship believing I could change the person, conforming in certain ways to make it work and taking the compromise lightly to say the least, not fully being aware of the commitment that I was making at the time and the challenges it represented. But I wanted to make it work for both of us, which didn’t happen. At least I proved to myself that I could fully and absolutely commit to another and still see that even if I am doing all that I can to assist and be ‘there’ for another, it takes two to tango to stand on the same page. I broke that relationship even if there were legal formalities formed with it.

After that, I had a few months to yes go through the sorrow, pain and ‘disconnection’ process from that relationship but I did decide to enter a new relationship after that; though fortunately enough did still have the opportunity to be alone and process through all of the things that I had accepted and allowed – created – in the previous relationship. But still, I do consider that I went ahead too fast and without much consideration of the implication of making such decisions not only for myself, but for the other person as well. This year I repeated the same, because of not having had that needed time to ground myself around relationships and one thing I can tell is that unless one has an understanding partner that has full awareness of the previous relationship patterns, it can be a disaster recipe to go jumping from one relationship to another.

I was in a way fortunate that my partner was understanding of it all, not that he approves of what I’ve done and my relationship habits, but again, he is aware and he made a decision to stand with me anyways and understood that I had things to process from my previous relationships at the same time as starting a new one. The thing that I want to share is how it’s not a bright idea to not give oneself time to be alone after a relationship ends, it can lead to not fully considering things in terms of what one is able to commit to and the effect it may have by making a decision without proper time for reflection, for personal assessment of the mistakes, the things allowed, the points that one needs to self-forgive and work through, because it does ‘filter’ or ‘spill through’ to the new relationship and it may lead to ruin if one does not handle the situation with proper sense of responsibility and communicating about it and again, having a partner that can understand and not take it personally either.

So from my recent experience, this kind of situation led to a great amount of stress that I became unaware of – apparently – and I became sick or having certain health issues almost on a regular basis for the past months. This can also be a narrow perspective on my health situation, but this is what I’ve concluded recently, that I put myself under a lot of stress because of the decisions I made in relation to relationships, where not being honest with myself and towards others led me to compromise myself and that became an ingredient to constantly be thinking of guilt, burdening myself with the ‘wrong doings’ while at the same time starting a new relationship and opening up all the potentials that this entails. It’s not a great thing to walk an ending and a beginning simultaneously – point learned.

I would not be able to share this from a clearer view currently if it wasn’t for the process that I did to self-forgive myself for my decisions, my actions and mistakes,  my short-sights and also forgiving myself for the damage caused to others by my lack of consideration or selfishness that this kind of situations entail. However, I also understood that there’s no point in continuing to flagellate myself emotionally, all that I can do is learn from it and know that I cannot repeat this kind of behavior again in my life, or I’d be simply falling again into my old patterns that I’ve worked on already. I did judge myself because of wanting to ‘make things right’ and ‘work through it’ and in a way being in disbelief that I could have managed to ‘repeat myself’ in patterns that I thought I had changed over the ‘monkish’ phase of being alone and without relationships – but, as I now know, I cannot be sure that something is entirely ‘clear’ and ‘transcended’ within me at all, it always takes a daily – constant – decision to act in the way that is right, that is supportive, that is considering consequences, that is responsible and self-honest for myself and for others that I have an effect on.

Currently I assess my situation on a constant basis when it comes to my relationship, because it has enabled me to see where I could be compromising myself or constructively compare how I have now seen that I was compromising myself before when trying to ‘be’ something for someone else in a relationship.  When I decided to be in this relationship, I did take the time to consider who I wanted to be in it and what would be of myself IF the relationship simply doesn’t work, knowing I could stand on my own two feet as well. So, I might have taken a ‘big risk’ considering  the rushed and somewhat risky decision making processes I’ve taken in the past without much ‘thought’ into my relationships, but this time I did make sure to entirely be ‘me’ making the decision and fully taking the responsibility for what I decide to make of it. 

I did take the time to assess the person, even if it was a relative short amount of time of doing this, there were characteristics that stood out for me enough to consider how this could work through, which included sharing with him the process I’ve walked with relationships, the weaknesses, the mistakes I’ve made, the dishonesties, the repetitive patterns I’ve had and that I still have such points to work through for me, to reestablish my self-trust in relationships – with all the past disclosed – and this is now where I can prove to myself that I can stand in an equal manner in loyalty, honor, respect and integrity that such person has given to himself throughout his life, which I am currently learning a lot from as well.

It is not my position to share his views here, but in a way I do want to do it, because he’s that person I mentioned at the beginning that has been known by everyone – and himself – to not desire a relationship or ‘lust’ over women at all. Everyone had always asked him when he would have a relationship and he always said that wasn’t something he was looking for, explicitly not interested on because he knew himself as a different kind of person that would find it hard to find a woman that could ‘stand’ through his ways of living life and the principles he has. He just wanted to work and focus on bettering his life. Well, that kind of approach led him to learn to live and be for himself the best that he can be. He is probably one of the few people I know that loves himself and regards himself as a self-made man that wasn’t always dedicated and hardworking to get to be who he is now, but made a decision to step out of the shadows and strive to do what he was told was ‘impossible’ for him to achieve. That sort of strength made him aware of his capacity and potential, which is part of the characteristics that I saw made him a ‘whole’ man already, not really looking or searching or being ‘needy’ for anything or anyone to ‘complete’ him or make him feel ‘better’ about himself.

This is how he considers that most people should not constantly go jumping from one relationship to another, but be able to be alone even for the rest of their lives if necessary, because they are not yet the best for and towards themselves. This view is perceived as too ‘extreme’ by his friends, but I’ve come to understand his point based on what he has lived and what I have lived and the consequences I’ve faced because of having held this constant belief that ‘I need to be in a relationship’ and the outflow this has. I’m not saying that this is how it’s supposed to be, but simply different ways to approach the relationships. Mine was more ‘trial and error’ and yes causing consequences for me and for others, his was more of a holistic approach of deciding to be in a relationship if and when the right person would exist for that.

Of course, he is now in a relationship and that may seem contradictory for many, but he explains how this is the first relationship he’s ever had – and took it to the level of absolute commitment and responsibility, which has led him to explore and open up many more ways of enjoyment in life, more than the ones that he already had been living on his own. I don’t want to sound like I’m praising him, but I do want to share  this because I’ve noticed how many strengths are built through deciding to be ‘the best for you’, to learn to be a man – or a woman – for oneself first, to learn to love, care, be the joy of our own lives instead of expecting something or someone to come and ‘save us’ or ‘fulfill’ our lives in one way or another. So, his usual perspective or ‘advice’ to anyone is to learn to be alone and learn to be ok with themselves, letting go of the notion of needing a relationship – and even better, to not participate or create a habit in desiring sex or porn or that sort of mental-masturbation in relation to women – or the opposite sex – at all, which leads to a genuine discovery of physical expression in a relationship, probably something that most people ‘seek out’ through mind stimulation and my take is that this pollutes or ‘disconnects’ us from the ‘hereness’, the physical development of actual touch and clear-mindedness so to speak required in a developing a physical relationship. This is not only related to sexual expression, but also in relation to fully focusing on being with the one person you decide to be with and not entertaining any thoughts, ideas, beliefs or glances at something or ‘someone else out there’ that ‘could be better’ than the relationship one has decided to be in.

What I’ve gathered from my time with him is how it truly takes that sort of diligence to honor and respect oneself and not exist solely for the idea of a ‘relationship’ as something to ‘get to’ or ‘find’ as an absolute goal in one’s life. It seems that as one focuses and works on fulfilling oneself and becoming that person that one enjoys looking at in the mirror – and not only for appearance level – but for the person one shapes of oneself – then one simply aligns with people that are on that same ‘track’ so to speak in their life, and that’s how you meet and realize that it is something that can work as a betterment platform for both, which was my approach as well when deciding to establish this relationship. We both agreed that this was going to be a relationship of two fulfilled individuals walking together, me knowing that if I decide to no longer be in the relationship, he’s not going to be ‘needing’ me as such, but will continue his life and endeavors as usual and vice versa – communication and understanding and assessment at any time.  The relative ease with which this agreement-  as he also called it – was able to be established is simply because of seeing the affinity in our ways of thinking and living and our principles and the way of living as well as our aims in life. I am fully aware some of my views are not that ‘popular’ with regular people, because they may sound too ‘out there’ or ‘difficult to achieve’- but not for him.  Then it is simply like two notes resonating at the same level that consider they can join in and create a harmony that will better the sound in each other’s life – and that’s what it currently is and has been.

There are so many more things that I’ve been learning about myself in relation to him in that have opened my eyes to see what kind of limitations I was making ‘ok’ within previous relationships, where and how I was not being honest with myself and rather molding or making myself ‘comfortable ‘about things that I wasn’t entirely willing to live with, but made it all ‘ok’ because of the idea that no one can be perfect and that I would always have to kind of ‘struggle’ in a relationship – now I know it doesn’t have to be this way. And I’m not saying this is currently perfect, but now I know that there can be people that can be at that same level of self-awareness and self will to live a different life than most people, which is what I’m here to do in this world, to continue cutting through the mold and not limit my expression, my ‘wacky’ way of being that I have come to re-ignite and rediscover within myself, something that makes me enjoy life more and something that I had judged as ‘not fit’ for everyone’s taste and so believing I had to be more ‘accommodating’ for others. In a nutshell, I’ve come to be aware of self-compromise, which is also one  tendency I’ve had in relationships where I kind of sink into the background and mold myself to fit into the idea of who I believe the other person wants me to be – even if this is most of the times my own projection.

The bottom line is that even if one can make ‘mistakes’ in relationships, the point is to always learn more about oneself, to use each opportunity one has to share one’s life and expression with another to learn more about who we are with each person, and yes unfortunately at times getting to also know the ‘darker’ aspects of ourselves – not to be turned into something necessarily bad or evil – simply recognizing that there are things that may be subtle at first but eventually build up or accumulate to compromise, to diminish ourselves even in the most ‘unnoticeable’ ways and I say ‘unfortunately’ – yet at the same time, I would not have known otherwise if I had not made mistakes and learned to see where I truly want to be in terms of standing in a relationship with someone else, first of all checking – on a constant basis – not to limit, diminish or compromise me in order to ‘be’ in a relationship as a need point.

So, having said this, I now realize that as painful, troublesome and consequential it is, mistakes allow us to also see the paths that we don’t want to follow through. Sure, it’s best when we can identify this earlier on and not have situations escalate and have more consequential breakups, but I now see that this is something quite specific for me to face based on the life that I had lived before I started this process with Desteni, my ‘processing’ done in that alone time and how I do realize how easy it is to slip back into old programming if not fully considering one’s actions and acting again on a ‘whim’ so to speak, making decisions without giving myself time to know first of all where I stand and then where I would want to stand in relation to someone else.

Based on my experience and the example I shared about my partner and how he led his life, I see that the best thing one can do is to give oneself time to learn to BE for oneself, to learn to truly love and appreciate yourself first, to be that one person that you can enjoy living with so that no matter who you join your life with – or not at all – you continue being whole and complete by yourself, so that 1+1 equals 2 instead of being existing as a half that seeks another half to create a codependent relationship that most likely ends up in compromise, diminishment and harm towards one another.

A relationship is a platform of support to become a better person, to grow, to learn from each other, to communicate openly without holding back or secrets, to express openly, to test and try new ways of living and expressing without judgment, to walk through disagreements and challenges with understanding – but! to do all of these great things takes a lot of self-work first, otherwise we base our entire ‘wellbeing’ on another person ‘all of this’ for us, and that’s where the fuckup usually is. So! Self first, always, then the rest of the people or situations that may come into our live become opportunities of expansion, a complement that can be beneficial not only for the people in the relationship but also for those that surround the relationship and for whatever is created within the relationship, which becomes an example of what a supportive relationship can be in a world where most exist in consequences and conflict – my personal view and experience here.

Ok so that’s it, again, listen to the Eqafe recordings, they are a great eye opener to understand more of what I shared here as my ups and downs, my faults, my points to learn and correct through relationships.

Can also learn to do this through the Relationship Course in Desteni which assisted me to ground many of the foundations that I now realize have to be lived in a very disciplined way of establishing self-honesty within self, otherwise they become nice principles on paper only – as always, the key is to live it and REALLY stick to Doing it.

Thanks for reading

 

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584. Walking Through the Veils of Shame

Or walking through the character weakness I created through cheating in relationships and turning it into a current self-committed strength.

In this same process of doing a bit of a ‘looking back’ in my life and the things that I’ve been most ashamed of and regret and have in essence kept as stuff that had ‘haunt’ me as my past was cheating in relationships. As I write this I look away from the screen for a moment because a part of me would not want to expose this side of myself, would prefer to keep things ‘to myself’ but I also see the benefit of not only sharing about this to ‘expose’ myself in the past, but more so to share what I considered as a very personal process that ‘I should keep to myself’, but this was mostly because of existing in shame towards it and judging that ‘tendency’ of myself as something really bad, unforgivable, that caused pain and sorrow in others.

This has been something that I have immediately linked to reviewing shame as it’s been opened up in the awesome audio support here:  Facing and Forgiving Real Shame (Part 1) – Demons in the Afterlife  and Facing and Forgiving Real Shame (Part 2) – Demons in the Afterlife  and through having such support as well as looking at and opening up the word ‘reconciliation’ within me, I saw that I had not made peace with this aspect of myself, mostly also because of keeping it as something that I should never speak of or admit about myself.

I have worked with this for myself, and even if I knew what I was doing at the time, I simply didn’t want to change my ways and would like to ‘keep my possibilities open’ which I only managed to change in the past relationship I had and I’m quite glad about that with myself in how through walking this process and from the very beginning of the relationship, I made a decision to no longer allow myself to ‘waver’ in my decision to be with that person even if we weren’t physically together right away, I made that decision to for once live that commitment to myself, to show to me that I could in fact stop having ‘affairs’ in thought, word or deed when it comes to personal relationships, and I am grateful to myself that I did this even if yes, there were surely moments that I could have defined as ‘openings’ or ‘temptations’ if you will, which surely are never ‘gone’ as such because I realize I have the ability to decide what I define as a ‘temptation’ to begin with which in a way it’s a whole word in itself to open up, which already implies a form of weakness from my perspective, where I believe that ‘I cannot help myself/cannot control/cannot direct’ myself in something and thus ‘fall’ into it, which surely I did experience in relation to cheating as such, which is why I had to yes, of course, let go of that ability within me to make it quite simple to act out on what I saw as an opportunity or potential.

To me the source of shame was more in relation to knowing what I caused in others, the consequences when this happened to be known. Shame and regret emerged within the realization that I was the cause of a lot of turmoil, depression, sadness in in someone’s life, and also how ‘shameless’ I was at the same time in doing it,  with without their awareness in my past relationships, which I have by now become aware all were motivated as with many other things in our lives, by the idea of something better, new, more exciting, or simply doing it because ‘the opportunity was here’ and taking it as an ‘innocent’ moment which was of course not living the word innocence in a supportive manner, but more through an experience to veil my responsibility at the time and the actual fear of the potential consequences, like it is explained in this other awesome supportive audio Using Innocence to Defend Fear – Quantum Physical, which I recommend to understand how this ‘misuse’ of the word innocence takes place within ourselves, that was quite helpful for me to also open up this point recently.

I could also say, yes it still was someone else’s decision to dive into such depressive experience upon becoming aware of what I had done, but my part in the whole point is having been dishonest and creating a consequence that in normal terms of course it is not something that is received in stability by most people. So, I have beaten myself up – figuratively speaking – quite a few times for this kind of situations that yes I caused and contributed to creating, while at the same time over time and over some more years after that, I still would do it and not really make a decision to change, until I did after deciding to actually change this ‘tendency’ and pattern within me that I had veiled myself off by seeing it as something that is ‘just here’ and ‘just happened’ while being fully aware that of course it always takes one’s decision to do or not do something.

 

 

I’ve also learned through communicating about this point to in a way see that we all cheat ourselves in different ways and levels. Some of us have acted on it, some others tend to only fantasize about doing it, but don’t get to actually live it. That’s how I’ve also seen that cheating as such is always a point of self-deception, where yes one is not living fidelity towards another being and instead is seeking for ‘something else’ with another person, not only at a physical level, but also at a mind level or in the form of ‘mental affairs’ too, because I saw how the sheer acceptance of ‘thinking about another’ in those partnership terms or fantasizing about having a relationship with them or having sex with another person while being in a committed relationship constitutes in essence already an act of ‘cheating’ to oneself, where one is only entertaining an idea of ‘someone else’ in our minds, while one is having an actual, physical, tangible relationship to develop, nurture and commit to, which is what I have decided to do and live from now on in my life.

I’ve been looking at what ‘led me’ to make it so easy for me to not measure consequences, to make it so easy to make a single decision in one moment and for a moment just throw out of the window any commitment to another person because ‘the opportunity presented itself’ and ‘I simply took it’ and how ‘feeble’ in a way I was when it comes to this, being very much moved by desire, lust, an idea of ‘something/someone better’ or simply because ‘it was here’ and so I moved to just do it.

Now, the details of how, when and where I did this all are not relevant to share here, but to me it’s sufficient to share how the kind of laxity towards it is what was a source of shame, which I then also walked through to create an understanding, to understand ‘who I was’ at the time so as to not just see through the eyes of morality but through seeing me and who I was at the time.

At the time I had not created any point of self-awareness or ‘barely’ creating it and developing it within myself, where I would talk to myself to create a point of ‘innocence’ about the moment, as a way to – as the previously mentioned Eqafe audio explains – it was a way for me to make things ‘alright’ within me and not truly have a blunt look at what I was accepting and allowing in having this ‘laxity’ about my commitment to my relationships and how I made it very normal to have ‘open potentials’ to other relationships while being in committed relationships or ‘somewhat’ committed relationships at the time, because they were what they were in the context that I was in at the time in my life as well, where I wasn’t really into developing a relationship of self support or self-respect yet.

One thing I noticed is that I of course suppressed a lot of these things because it was at a time in my life when I was using weed on a regular basis and it was my way to also ‘wipe out’ any immediate inner conflict and ‘shift’ within me to an ‘everything is alright’ state of mind, which I only can know of because I would write about what I was in fact experiencing, and that’s the only remembrance I have of it, because at a conscious level to me it seemed as if there was no conflict at all, but this is how I made myself ‘think’ that ‘I am perfectly fine with it, I know what I’m doing, there’s no problem at all in me, no one’s getting hurt’ as a way to create a false sense of innocence within it all to not have to have a clear view of what I was participating in.

Working on this point has become one of those examples that something that I saw as a weakness in me, I’ve worked on developing it and turning it into a strength within me for the past couple of years.

Though before going into the ‘developing it as a strength,’ I want to share about the process of walking through shame itself and in our group chat at Desteni we had a very cool discussion that led to open up this point about ‘shame’ which can be read here:  You cannot see that which you are – 12 July 2017 which opened the door along with looking at the word ‘reconciliation’ for me to do this for once and for all, to identify where and how I’ve experienced that kind of shame in my life and it has been definitely linked to cheating – and it was actually quite a gift in the way that it is explained in this audio support I mentioned at the beginning of this blog about shame, in the sense that I would probably not have gotten to see my reality this way if I had not become aware of how my actions affected another’s life, which at the time I  suppressed and just felt bad about it, guilty, remorseful. But I had not taken that step of acknowledging the profound shame I felt in relation to it and it’s probably one of those things that have ‘marked me’ in my life, yet it is and will continue to be there as a reminder of what I’ve done, what I caused when allowing myself to be moved by desire, attraction, the idea of ‘something better’ or something ‘more exciting’ or ‘new’ and all of these experiences I linked to the act of cheating, which were in fact me seeking an experience that eventually of course led to ending relationships due to not establishing that self-commitment, self-honor and self-respect for myself first of all.

In retrospect it is ‘easier’ for me to see how I could have decided to change myself in those moments when facing this ‘temptation’, yet at the time I had not made a clear decision to change, because I still wanted to have these ‘options’ available to me. I wasn’t living a commitment to myself nor towards another. So this is to me an example where many times we make things ‘difficult’ to do or believe that ‘it’s beyond me’ to change, but in self-honesty, the reality is that I was not wanting to change or give up something that I wanted to have, experience or indulge into in my life.

The perceived benefits of ‘going for it’ are only that, a perception, a momentary experience if anything because over time, I see how every time that I ‘gave into it’ became that kind of scars that won’t go away from your mind, and one can self-forgive it, surely, to recognize the point and ensure one doesn’t repeat it again, but as it has been recently explained: self forgiveness wont’ ‘erase’ the memories. Memories will remain as part of who we are, as reminder, as a gift, a ‘cautionary tale’ as I’d like to call them of what I could put myself and others through If I give into this kind of ‘desires’ or ‘fleeting sensations’ that seemed to just ‘open up’ as ‘opportunities’ in my life – which is how I used to define them, see them.

It also had to do with how I approached life back then, where I had placed my life, my destiny in the hands of something ‘else separate from me’ where I thought that people, things, situations would ‘happen for a reason’ and so I would create an innocence point within it as well, which is of course innocence lived as deception, deliberate self-deception just to not have to see the truth and reality of myself in it.  Innocence to me now as a living word has a very much different meaning that doesn’t relate at all to ‘pretending to be delusional’ and not realize what I am doing lol, I mean, I know I can only ever deceive myself in fact and that’s where this whole point of cheating is at, not only ‘towards others’ but towards myself, my self-commitment and self-agreement that I am busy living for myself and those whose lives I am directly related to now.

Have these apparent ‘temptations’ gone away? Nope. If I would decide to see a moment, a person, a situation as such and accept it and allow it to exist in me, it would not be so much of a ‘difficult thing’ to do because it’s just like anything else when one ‘goes for it’ without questioning ‘who am I’ within doing something. And yes it can be a bit scary to think of the potentials on this which applies for anything else that we see ourselves having a propensity or tendency to do – and have done in the past – but that’s how I decide to instead of giving any attention to these ‘potentials’ rather create a solid foundation for me to walk through it and as I mentioned earlier, turn it into a strength.

So this is another aspect of our minds, our lives and process where no amount of self-forgiveness will actually remove the potential ‘triggers’ or ‘stimuli’ that we can still decide to react to or ‘act upon’ in our minds – this is why walking through our minds is a moment by moment application, daily thing, every moment thing whenever it is required.

So, how am I living this relationship to this past tendency to ‘cheat’ in relationships? Well, I can wholly say to myself that it’s been quite cool to build that decision of living self-honor, self-respect, self-commitment and consideration – not only for me but to others – when it comes to remaining committed to someone and be able to practically test myself in various times and situations to see ‘who am I’ within it all, and so far I’ve seen how every single time it’s a constant decision to ‘stick’ to my decision to live fidelity and loyalty, simply because that’s the person that I decide to be for myself and another in my life.

Thanks for reading and thanks to the beings that share their experiences at eqafe.com which surely set the example for me to open this up for myself too.

Have a listen yourself too!

Facing and Forgiving Real Shame (Part 1) – Demons in the Afterlife – …

Facing and Forgiving Real Shame (Part 2) – Demons in the Afterlife – …

 

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475. Self Commitment in Relationships

Or how to walk through distractions from developing one’s relationship with oneself and another.

 

My point in this process is definitely personal relationships, that’s the ‘weakness’ or ‘weak point’ that I am now in a phase of my life that I have decided to create and stand in to strengthen myself as well as walking with my partner that is walking his own process of becoming a better person as  he has expressed it. I recognize that my relationship is assisting me in precisely learning to transcend a lot of the relationship programming that I have accumulated throughout time and from my past experiences to discover a whole aspect of myself that I hadn’t yet lived in a relationship before, because of still sticking to playing particular roles based on fears or desires within relationships.  

Giving a step of further commitment in a relationship has also been an entirely new terrain that I had placed myself to walk through once before in such consideration, but it didn’t work out as expected though I learned a lot from that one experience to prepare myself for the one I am in now. This commitment in a relationship to one person  sometimes seems outdated or plain fearful to many because one perceives that one is then locked with another for a lifetime and there’s no way around it and one has to ‘stick with it’ no matter what. But, I’ve realized how as with everything a relationship has to be devoid of expectations, beliefs, traditions, cultural ways that can also infiltrate an idea of what a relationship has to be or what a commitment is and how it is represented.

I like the perspectives that were given in a hangout about relationships being something that lasts forever and how these fellow Destonians shared perspective that enabled me to understand how a relationship is something that is assessed and evaluated as one goes living in it. It takes a lot of self honesty here because I’ve been there myself so many times wherein when I am being challenged in my own ways, and the usual thing was to react to those conflicts and  deliberately sabotaging the relationship, giving up on it and not pushing through the difficult times to take my own responsibility in the co-creation process. I’ve been there before in situations of leaving a ‘back door open’ for someone else while in a relationship and the ripple effects this creates even if perceiving oneself to be fully committed and only considering it in one’s mind – as well as acting out on those intentions as well.

This time in the relationship I am in, I’ve been challenged in many ways, to the core of myself dare I say and this is exactly what I wanted in fact, someone that could assist me to outgrow the old me in relationships, with my plethora of expectations and desires of particular ‘ways’ to live a relationship that I have slowly but surely come to redefine into something that is quite new for me and comfortable to say the least, it’s like living with another ‘me’ as in having no particular relationship towards that other person in the old-ways or approaches I had to past partners which would turn into a rollercoaster of conflicts and mixed emotions – and that’s been quite refreshing to me as well.  Here also to remind myself that I can in no way compare anything or anyone for that matter, this is always a trick of our minds to keep us ‘captive’ in ghosts of the past, instead of focusing on what’s here, very much physical and alive to live.

However here a point I walked for myself as a very personal aspect in my writings is ensuring that I am not keeping a ‘door open’ or ‘see possibilities’ outside of my current relationship and reality. Here it is realizing what it means to feed or give one’s time and breath to think about ‘what ifs’ or potential other experiences in relationships, it is about realizing that I am committing to myself, to for the first time fully stick to my principles of self-honesty and the agreement that I have with myself and so with another to stand clear in a relationship without hidden agendas or intentions to ‘keep other possibilities in mind’ or ‘available’ in our lives, not even in a thought-manner.

This is one of those parts of myself that  I have ‘minimized’ or seen as insignificant, thinking I can deal with it completely, that it’s under control – but, oh reality challenges oneself in the most awesome ways really where I have had to stand very clear in a form of self-discipline with regards to my relationship and work out a lot this point within myself when it comes to this self-agreement and the relationship that I’ve formed where I know firsthand the kind of ripples as in frictions, conflicts, distancing that happens whenever one entertains any thought about ‘other people’ or ‘what ifs’ as ‘potentials’ or ideas related to past partners or how it ‘could be/could have been’ to be in a relationship with this/that person . This point emerged as I was reading Kristina’s blog yesterday and considered how I have been precisely looking at this, how it is a form of the ‘revenge of the ego’ where we can be in a very settled, supportive and grounded relationship, yet how easily we can fuck it up by entertaining memories, ideas and experiences of who I was in the past in relationships that eventually come up as suppressed desires in dreams that I then have to face and recognize them as aspects/parts of myself that I have to make a clear decision to stop feeding within myself.

I see this point representing a perceived ‘lack’ or ‘desire to live the past’ which in my case, it was not at all a ‘good and supportive experience’ for the most part – but at the same time, I also have been looking recently at recognizing what can I take of each person that was part of my life in a relationship and integrate those aspects as part of myself too – as well as in recognizing which aspects of myself I developed, discovered or grew as my expression while being in those relationships in the past   while at the same time reminding me of all the conflicts and problems that I faced with each one and that I have been able to learn from in order to face experiences and conflicts that emerge in a relationship with another, which to my surprise in my current relationship has been quite different altogether from my previous experiences and I can only thank this Desteni process for it, specifically the Agreements/relationships course where I learned what it is to stand in self-agreement and see a relationship as an addition of 1+1 complete people walking together in support of each one’s living and working to become the better versions of ourselves.

My point of self-honesty to develop and work on in this case is precisely within the who I am in what I entertain or give space/breaths within my every day living when it comes to memories or ‘what ifs’ based on – once again – memories, ideas, beliefs, perceptions that can lead oneself to believe ‘one is missing out’ on something/someone or how ‘better’ things could have been in this/that situation with this or that person – these thoughts if entertained in the form of possibilities or memories, it actually becomes a weight upon oneself, where one creates a stagnation in one’s day to day flow by focusing on something as an idea or experience that is only in our minds – while missing out the reality that is very much here to keep focusing on nurturing, growing, expanding and creating to see who I can be and become when walking in  loyalty, honor and respect towards myself when it comes to what I accept and allow to exist within me in relation to my relationship with another, honoring it and ensuring that I am living in a way that I can be at the end of times and stand with myself, my decisions and essentially be able to live with myself, because I’ve been in situations before where it becomes a personal hell to try and shove aside situations of self-dishonesty in relationships and not face them or admit them to myself.

Here then I commit myself to continue developing – for the very first time – a stance of full commitment to my relationship in thought, word and deed, so that whatever time and focus I create in the realm of relationships, I focus on my potential and ‘sculpture to keep working on’ as the relationship and commitment I am in, reminding myself of how many times I have allowed a simple desire for an experience to derail me from a path of integrity and honesty with myself and another – therefore this is what I will be focusing on to strengthening within me, which actually appeals quite a lot to correcting a very sneaky and repetitive pattern throughout my life that I have had a hard time to admit to myself exists in me.

Being loyal to myself is not only being loyal ‘towards my partner’ but being loyal to my commitment, to my integrity, to what I have decided from the beginning I would live in relation to this other human being I am walking with, in an agreement that we made towards one another and that I want to make sure I honor and live to the T in my life as the new me that I am creating for myself, no longer conditioned/condemned to repeat the past, but stick to a better version of me in this part of my life.

Here a reminder for myself how something that I considered was initially insignificant and kept aside from writing about it became a gift, a reminder of what I commit myself to and expand myself to in relation to relationships in general in my life, to not give ‘into’ a fleeting experience that is unsubstantial, and stick to the reality, the physicality of what’s here for me as a stone to continue to sculpt into self-perfection : ) hands on matter

Thanks for reading.

 two heads

 

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441. Paranoid Assumptions: How to Walk Through Them

 

This is a continuation to an aspect within myself that I had written down, disclosed and seen from many angles a couple of years ago in the entry 396. I Think, therefore I Assume but, certainly as with many other aspects and points we find within our minds, it is just not going to go away by writing it out or self-forgiving the mess made by assuming all at once. This point of ‘assuming’ which is a guessing process wherein, in my particular case, I use that uninformed ‘guess’ to jump into a conclusion about something/someone in such a fast pace that it can determine in one moment who I am going to be or how I am going to react to another person only by misunderstanding, jumping into conclusions, guessing ‘where the person is coming from’ or ‘what they are hiding’ or ‘what they are implying,’ which I must remind myself are all entirely my sole creation.

What do I mean by ‘my creation’? An assumption as I see it, is a series of thoughts that we concoct inside our minds as a reply or reaction based on some input we have, which means information from an external source. Now, upon discussing this point last night with my partner, I realized how I was kind of ‘vilifying’ the word ‘assumption’ in itself, and it is not that it is all ‘bad’ about making a guess about things, that’s Not the problem, but who we are within guessing or assuming and if one is emotionally invested into it.

So, I take his explanation to place it out here because it assisted me to see how there can be plain ‘guessing’ that comes without any personal investment onto it, like say I ‘guess’ or ‘assume’ it’s going to rain today because there’s a ton of those very gray clouds in the sky. That’s about it, a guess, an assumption based on the state of the sky in that moment. There’s an educated guess that comes from say checking out the weather forecast in more than one source – which is still not an absolute point of accuracy – and one can make an educated guess or assumption that ‘yes, it will rain because two or more sources indicate so.’ There can also be a ‘paranoid’ form of guessing where one is emotionally invested onto it, like say if I hated the rain because it ruins my possibility to go for a walk, and so if I look up at the sky and see the wind and the clouds and I immediately get flustered about it because ‘It’s going to rain, yes, and my going out will be ruined, oh god why!’ type of overwhelming reaction – exaggerated here but to get the point – is where one then creates a relationship to ‘raining’ or a particular weather as a source for personal discomfort, anger, frustration and the rest of it within oneself. This ‘paranoid guessing’ that comes from only checking up at the sky and then reacting emotionally to it, is what we usually create patterns of so that whenever I see the same colors in the sky, I don’t even bother to think further other than just jumping into the assumption that ‘my day is ruined because I won’t go for a walk, because it’s going to rain.’

Now this is a ‘light’ example so to speak, but if we transpose it to other more ‘personal’ situations like say assuming that my partner ‘would like to be with another individual he sees on the streets better than me’ based on a paranoid guess, a paranoid assumption and we don’t communicate or investigate further about it in terms of opening up ‘who he is’ within looking at another person in a particular way and so walking through that point together, one can jump into this ‘paranoid assumption mode’ that can spiral out of control into a form of paranoia, a reel of backchats within oneself that come with a tension, a fear, an anxiety of ‘them wanting to be with another instead’ or ‘I am not good enough for him so that’s why he checks others out’ or ‘I bet he’d prefer a less imposing relationship’ etc. etc. Which is something that actually has happened to me and that upon opening up this point with my partner, it was cool to realize how he understands the pattern, how automated it is as a simple ‘checking out’ which has also to do with very ingrained male programming that he simply has to be more diligent to direct if he is up for doing so. He clarified how there is no ‘intent’ in it beyond that momentary experience of ‘checking out’ for example that he had been quite conditioned to, so that will be then his point to work through and my point is to Not jump into these paranoid assumptions from one figment of reality that I take within me to react to.

 The point here is that through rather asking directly, opening up the point, there were no more ‘paranoid assumptions’ about it, but instead we can work with facts, reality checks. I got to see how in fact I was escalating the point waaay too much, which I had done before but that time in the past, I kept it quiet and building it up for some time, until I confronted it and turned out to be true in relation to these distractions, where I also shared my personal experience and process of in this case also directing myself to no longer ‘unconsciously’ seek for ‘other potential partners’ for example, no matter how ‘automated’ this had become in my case as well. So it became a point of understanding as well that it takes time and real diligence to master this point of no longer ‘deviating’ my attention once I am in a committed relationship.

So that was a long explanation, but! It was assisting for me to also see the variations of ‘assumptions’ and so here to redefine the relationship to these ‘paranoid assumptions’ where I have considered I jump into conclusions and ideas and perceptions all based entirely only on what exists within me

Here another point opens up: it means that these ‘paranoid assumptions’ are in fact  my own projection toward others, where I can be the one that hides, implies, beats around the bush or speaks from a state of reaction about things. So, I see that paranoid assuming becomes much more prevalent when – again, assuming – lol – that we all won’t just ‘say things as they are’ but implying there is always something that is kept away/aside/hidden for the sake of benefiting or protecting oneself or any other form of ego-trait that leads us to, for example, not explain ourselves entirely toward another, which can be also a practical reason in many contexts. An example is how one won’t go explaining one’s entire medical condition to someone that asks ‘how are you doing’ and even if one visibly looks not so well, let the whole clinical history out in that moment, we usually say we are ‘doing so so with x situation, but recovering’ and the other person can be ‘ok’ with the response, not lying just not giving the whole explanation, not for the sake of ‘hiding’ or anything, but for practical reasons.

These ‘paranoid assumptions’ imply the moments where I immediately ‘jump’ to ‘fill in the blanks’ coming from the starting point of already assuming that this person exists already in a constant state of seeking benefit or perpetual deception, or usually hiding something, or just blatantly lying for some reason. I can see that this can be defined as ‘lacking trust towards others’ but this is more of my own reflection as well when it comes to being aware how us humans operate in our minds  and so believing that others are lying, hiding all the time. This could be a reality, yes, but it is exactly because of this justification around ‘Everyone lies, everyone deceives, everyone is dishonest’ that I go justifying my ‘assumptions’ and qualify them as ‘real’ in no time, which has led me to jump into unbearable assumptions that mostly lead to conflictive situations, simply because of how fast I ‘made up my mind’ about something or someone without actually taking the steps to apply the ‘antidote’ to assuming: investigating, asking questions, communicating, clarifying, opening up the point with another until clarity is reached.

Why has it taken so much from me to actually ask? Because! There is a righteousness involved in assuming, in believing that ‘I am always right’ about another’s intentions, state of mind or hidden agendas, which is of course not entirely so. Sure, I mean, when we get to know how our minds operate and one becomes like a ‘mind technician’ where one is able to see the equations behind things, it does get a bit tricky to not immediately do so and assume that ‘it’s always going to work that way’ but, in reality there are lots of exceptions and I have been tested quite often based on the assumptions I have created toward my partner for example, and time and time again after jumping into assumptions and responding from my assumptions to something, and when deciding to ‘roll back’ the moment and see what steps did I ‘miss’ or ‘where did I jump into conclusions’ I realize that I in fact ‘filled in the blanks’ in my mind, even though what was said was quite clear in itself. This is the moment where I have to apply humbleness in recognizing that yes, I did assume or made it ‘more’ than what it is in my mind, which in other words is that acceptance of being wrong about my assumption and so propose a solution in that moment to my ‘mistakes’ which in this case are ‘missed-steps’ in communication.

One can also say that assuming comes from a form of control, believing that one ‘knows’ someone or knows how ‘predictable’ we all are that we immediately jump into these ideas or beliefs and believe in them, blindly so. I consider this is part of one of the greatest problems in communication in fact, where we believe we ‘know’ what another person is ‘truly about’ or ‘truly like,’ and how just by observing them, hearing their words, or misinterpreting their interactions toward ourselves or others that we can already assume/predict or magically ‘know’ exactly what they are ‘all about.’ Wrong! And we do this just because of a) not daring to actually get to know a person in reality, which means, actually communicate and truly see who are they in their words, in their life, develop a relationship with them; or b) because we believe we already ‘know the reasons’ behind anyone’s words – which is like this all knowing god-ego that we carry around in our heads – and so we apparently need ‘no more explanations’ from another because we are already in fact projecting our assumptions, our beliefs about others, so ‘why bother, if I already know it?’ type of reaction, which I could label as arrogant, conceited and egotistical of myself, however judging myself for it is of course not the solution here, at all.

I have seen myself create an entire ‘story’ of assumptions as to create a ‘why’ to something in what is called ‘quantum time’ meaning, super- fast and in that moment already reply, after seconds of hearing some version of a story, a set of words wherein I ‘assume’ that I know the real reason behind that, therefore I have the right to, for example, appear as ‘outraged’ about something even if through words I may say a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ but within an entire stance and experience within myself of apparently ‘already knowing the ‘truth’ of the matter’ and so, justifying my immediate reaction to something or someone within a particular experience. All of this is in fact one of those ‘chain reactions’ or massive paranoid assumptions that can unfold to what is most commonly known as arguments or verbal battles between people, just becomes of one or both – or more involved – going into various assumptions of what either one meant to in fact say.

 

So, first of all a point I have to continue working on is on slowing down, just today I had one of those situations where upon asking something to my partner and upon getting a very straightforward answer, I immediately went into assuming the ‘missing link’ I was already going to ‘take on’ as ‘what he implied’ but fortunately he immediately said ‘and by saying that, no, I don’t mean that I would do this/that’ which means, he added more information to prevent me from going into one of those ‘insta-assumptions’, which means that yes he’s already aware of my ‘pattern’ of jumping into these conclusions which actually have contributed to misconstrue the idea I have of him, which if I look back it actually becomes a way to continue imprisoning each other within those same judgments and ways to treat or perceive another, because we believe they ‘haven’t changed’ or ‘have been this/that way in the past’ and so not allowing another to in fact step out of ‘the past’ if I recreate it even within my paranoid assumptions. Lol, it’s been actually quite great because this way it becomes a constant point to test myself and see where I go into ‘reading between the lines’ about a situation, and when I in fact ‘burst the paranoia bubble’ and simply ask directly. So far, asking directly and to the point has dispelled a Lot of misunderstandings or paranoid assumptions on my side, which has in turn become a gift of developing communication, understanding and even trust in the sense that I then get to know where another stands in relation to something/someone and becomes an actual communication, veering towards a self-supportive approach rather than just recriminations, back and forths, quiet paranoid assumptions and the plethora of reactions that may stem from there.

Now, here I’ve used the partnership relationship as an example, but I could go on and on in the ways I assume things about almost everything, and so this is also a point for me to commit to slow down in my mind whenever wanting to ‘jump into paranoid assumptions’ and rather ask more questions, get more information, communicate more, develop a ‘getting to know’ another if I see I have held some judgment about them for some time, get to understand the ‘why’ of something, because this assists us in rather looking at potentials for solutions and change, rather than remaining escalating this paranoia which is of course not a cool way to go living at all.

Points to change or challenge oneself with when stopping paranoid assumptions? Real time application of admitting and changing one’s righteousness, sense of ‘pride’ or know-it-allness, one’s fear to communicate or open up something due to ‘fearing conflict’ for example, or ‘fearing losing’ a relationship of any kind, or just fearing breaking out of one’s bubble to communicate with another, and also very important! Once that one gets the actual facts – whether they are entirely true or not – to not go into paranoia about questioning that further information one may get when stepping out of assuming and communicating or investigating something further, like say me reacting to the realization that yes my partner was checking someone else out, lol, that would only re-wire the paranoia again. It is about in that moment talking through the points to acknowledge self responsibility in both sides – or if the other person is not aware or up for ‘self change’ then simply one’s own responsibility – to not go into further reactions or delusions, but instead then work with one’s own reactions, fears, emotions based on the responses we get, that’s one’s sole responsibility not another’s. The rest, should always be worked out, talked through with the two or more involved in the situation. That is to rectify that in fact, we can only change ourselves, we can only be an example and show to others ‘how it can be sorted out’ but, we can’t ever push another to do the same for themselves, unless they are entirely deciding to do so themselves.

Ok, some more dimensions/aspects might open up in time, but for now this has cleared up for me to see that when going into ‘paranoid assumptions’ I rather immediately communicate, speak up, investigate which means asking, confronting, walking through the fear that this might imply at times and realize that it’s just a limitation to actually see things for what they are so that we can work with ‘how things are’ in fact, and not building ‘possibilities’ or ‘ifs’ based on illusions/delusions or paranoid assumptions as uninformed guessing. This way one can instead build a solid relationship with another by understanding, by looking at solutions together rather than building up and remaining in conflicts and reactions.

 

Thanks for reading

 

Pointing back at me

 

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233. Are we Anxious because We Know We Lie All the Time?

Facing our Personal Judgment Day

When looking at strength the past week, I had a dream wherein I would see a symbol that represented strength being mended/ broken and covered up with a ‘surrogate symbol’ if you wanna call it that.  How can any strength be real if it is founded upon an Idea of Self based upon an actual survival mode-system that we’ve been living as, projecting the usual image of ‘self-control’ while inside one is a wreck? Well, that certainly creates an underlying anxiety which indicates simply what? One is not being absolutely self-honest with one’s living and words, one is still wanting to hold on to something as a point of benefit/ idea of self that in no way can be sustainable if one is walking down the road of Self-Honesty. 

 

An aspect that I’ve lived for the most part of my life is precisely this: show no weakness = live strength as an Idea of Self- in order to seem ‘immovable.’ But when this strength is based on being ‘on guard’ to any form of attack, then it is not real strength but just defensive mechanisms stemming from fear.  As we know, nothing that is energy based can survive as an actual integral living-of-words within myself. The outflow is precisely this point wherein we try and cover things up nicely. As I write this I can talk about my grandfather and how he would hide his huge financial crisis that took him to lots of debt after having had quite his own piece of heaven so to speak. One would always see him being what you can call ‘political’ about it, even when he was sick, he’d behave as if everything was just fine, a small bump on the road here and there, nothing to worry about, while at the same time we all knew things weren’t alright.  And the same with my parents, I guess it’s a protection mechanism to hide when things are actually not going well and I see that we have conditioned ourselves to always ‘look at the bright side’ and look all around or anywhere else but straight forward to speak things as they are. That would piss me off:  what are they hiding from me? why can’t they look at me in the eyes when they speak? And this would be applied to virtually anyone. However, I had not realized I’ve been living the exact  same point wherein I try and cover up any actual fears with a false sense of strength and certainty, which later on becomes only so much one can deal with till it’s no longer able to be ‘sustainable’ as a living-word = me being actually IT and all of it done to  ‘save my ass’ in any regard.

 

This works temporarily in a system wherein if you have a great presentation, you can get cool attention and consideration from others as a sellable item– but if we are talking about self honesty which means realizing the truth of ourselves for ourselves/ by ourselves/ toward ourselves, even that ability to stand as such point in the system requires one to first be fully certain of what an actual strength is as an actual living truth of oneself, which cannot be measured by anything that I have been before as any form of ‘props’ within the system as that is the usual role that I have played for a long time as part of preprogrammed personalities and characters I got characterize throughout my life.

 

All of this came up when reviewing the word intelligence and ‘being responsible’ and how I pretty much disliked being called that while going through school, because I didn’t want to be reduced to being this single brain that apparently thinks and gets everything alright. This egotistical trait lead me to seek other ways in which I could be ‘regarded’ as special, unique or someone liking me for ‘who I really am’ – but, did I know what I really am then? No, do I have an idea of what I really am now? yes If I define myself as a physical living being that exists as part of a whole that is in the process of aligning this entire ‘me’ that I’ve been as all the ego-trips and willing to stand as an equal being to everything and all in order to support myself as life –  this implies no lie sustained by the past system of false values can exist within me = all of the ‘me’ as any apparent positive trait must go.

 

So, within this point of conflict between being sincere/ genuine or actually live the words  I speak, create a sense of glib self experience we all know is part of the building blocks of a façade we keep up in order to survive, it’s just like people presenting an image of success to pretend that everything is under control / I am perfectly normal and okay, thank you – I would get pissed off at people playing out these characters  without realizing to what extent I was playing the game as well. A common example is virtually any authority-figure representing the ideal of ‘All is under control’ while behind there’s this massive fear running throughout your body because you have actually no clue of what the fuck you really are doing  – then why keeping this ideal? Survival of our own fittest-ideal of ego in a dog eat dog world that we’ve all accepted and allowed.

 

This is a common experience at times when having to face an authority – parents, teachers, mentors, the ‘law,’ people you owe something to, people that show some ‘respect’ to you in any regard – all of this that we play in between our daily interactions keeps a masquerade in front of us as if ‘nothing bad happened’ – this is the actual disingenuous definition of who we have become: pretending all is well, but how can it be if Nothing in this world is working as an actual force of benevolence that is able to support all human beings, No one in this world is living up to the standards of what caring for one another as equals in fact implies in all possible ways, no governmental or financial systems are working to regard all living beings as having equal right to live in dignity, no belief system has ever proposed a solution for this world that could provide actual love and care for every single living being in this planet, No scientific discovery or human knowledge has ever been able to explain why we simply don’t care about each other. Then how could we Not feel insincere and fake if everything we’ve been thus far has been founded upon these lies we bought and sold?

 

We keep a presentation as if everything was fine, good, so/so going while in fact, everyone’s having their own little hell inside that is being feared to be faced. Why don’t we just open up? Out of fear of presenting ourselves as something/ someone that is not ‘as good as the rest’ –but, it’s rather ludicrous to keep up to each other’s lies considering the amount of stress, worry, anxiety, petrification this single realization causes.

 

So, why do we suppress ourselves and keep a glib personality, pretending something that we know is all lies? Is it only to benefit our egos and save our reputation somehow? a Reputation that has been built according to a social conditioning that supports nothing but lies to be liked by others that have also been conditioned to buying lies, reducing life to a single paper of abilities and skills that can be sold to the greatest bidder? Reducing all we’ve been to the amount of money in our bank accounts? Reducing the physicality that we are to a single image that can be attractive to others for sex? Is that living?

No

Then why are we hiding from actually speaking things as they are and keep a ‘good sellable self image’? Fear of rejection, fear of not being good enough, fear of ending up being seen as crazy, fear of failure, fearing being a loser, lunatic, hypocritical, selfish, self centered, dishonest and any other word that we’ve created out of the same consciousness that we have limited ourselves by.

This means that we can only create a form of conflict within ourselves according to ‘who we are’ if we still take such ‘who we are’ as an irreversible form of existence that we have to bear as our cross with no ability to change. That is certainly partly true, since the consequences of whatever we’ve lived while being in character are already here and having to be faced – but we certainly can walk a process to align ourselves through walking a process of writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application to instead let go of striving between the poles of the good and the bad, hiding our actual self from Ourselves and in such process, taking responsibility for the massive fear we have inflicted upon our physical bodies, the truth and reality of what we’ve become while accumulating only worry, concern, anxiety and a general stress because of knowing ‘we’re bulshitting ourselves and everyone else, and not knowing ‘how to follow through’ once this is discovered and realized. Well there is a solution. 

 

How I see it is as if we are building up these bubbles around us sustained by air  itself that can also be destroyed by air itself which means they are as flimsy as all the thoughts we’ve tried to live out as ‘who we are,’ invisible entities that we’ve given our actual lives to, which is rather ludicrous and paradoxical: giving the real life away to live these characters of self limitation through pretentious ideas of self that ‘sell well’ in the market, which we’ve then externalized as our financial bubbles within which our entire ‘lives’ are dependent upon. Why is this? Again, peer-pressure, social-pressure, ‘filling the role’ the best way possible. I’ve caught myself many times projecting this judgment toward people in general, but, it is time I take the point back to self and investigate myself playing out the same role just to keep up with what one is supposed to ‘keep up with’ as a form of reputation/ consideration, which again, falls within the same social conditions of ‘who am I supposed to be’ toward others and how one is able to fall for chasing the presentation without really following through with the actual living of it – just like any nice words we might say, but how many times we don’t end up actually living it? Or creating an idea of having everything ‘under control’ but not really knowing how to take the wheel and drive?

 

What happens with suppressions is the more we hide, the more things pile up, accumulate to a bigger conflict only because of holding an inner-perspective of who we are as such conflict and how we should handle it, which again is usually falling onto the same ‘control measures’ based upon fear, not actual Self-Understanding of How one created the entire ‘ball of snow’ in the first place.

If one is not absolutely self honest, fire eventually catches up on you and from there, only consequences must be faced, walked as a starting from zero point in order to see what was based upon being mere ‘froth’ which sounds like ‘fraud’ and how one can align it into a real physical living integration as part of the integrity that one would want to actually live, one that is not based on creating the most ‘sellable persona’ in the social-market of financial bubbles – but a human being that is able to die realizing that one has in fact done, been and become All one can in fact Live as a certainty of self as ‘who I really am’ in order to dedicate oneself fully and completely to do what’s best for all, to support self to be an actual example of what that means in all ways – am I currently that? No way,  there is so much to walk and align until there is not a single inkling of conflict with who I am, what I say, what I do and why I do it and all as in everyone else stand within one integral principle: an expression of self as one and equal –because, as the saying goes: no one is free until All Is Free.

 

This is one of the reasons why one can experience anxiety when facing mostly people and general situations wherein one’s own stand is questioned. One realizes one has been fucking around and cannot hide the truth any further and as such, anxiety as an intense fear is experienced. This is how if someone spends a considerable amount of time piling up this anguish, stress and anxiety, it is most likely that one then end up believing there’s something ‘really wrong’ with one’s nerves or health or whatever – but, what we don’t realize is that we have all created this ourselves, by our own thoughts, by our own irresponsibility, by our own false-presentations in order to present a ‘good-doer’ type of persona – but, now that we are aware of the Evil as the human nature that we actually are, is there any way to in fact be able to be ‘good’ in this world, as we have conditioned our own ‘good’ to be about within a system where life is being sold and denied to those who have No Money at all? No.

 

Hence, in order to align ourselves to a sound living experience, one has to face the idea of self and why it was kept ‘up’ within such a positive light, for what purpose, what do we exactly fear losing as the unsubstantial ego that we’ve become. For what? for who? what is ‘in it’ for us? what were we attempting to gain?

 

So, a suggestion I that if you reading this in any way believe in the end of the world, you give yourself the opportunity to give an end to the old world that we’ve kept ‘alive’ by the tips of our tongues every time that we speak just to create a cover up of our actual experiences that we even hide from ourselves, ending up fooling ourselves and living an inner conflict wherein one believes that ‘I don’t know who I really am’ and everything seems fuzzy and foggy, nothing ‘making any sense anymore’ which is just another ESC personality as another attempt to try and avoid facing the outflow of actually fearing to see the truth of ourselves: we’ve tried too hard to ‘make it’ but how can we ‘make it’ in a world founded upon lies?

 

So these are the points to explore, most humbling I can say wherein as I’ve agreed to define this: learning from one’s mistakes and walking the correction to align oneself to an actual living that I can stand by not only as words or a particular ‘idea of self’ that won’t last, but actual living-actions that are in fact a physical alignment to living, doing, becoming what’s best for all – not just goody-god-doer glib talk.

 

I’ve walked this process to get to a point of Self Honesty and this is what I’ll continue working on based on the points explained within this post, so, walk with to get to a point of sanity to create ourselves as actual living beings that are ‘Real’ in the physical sense of the word, no more upgrading personalities to avoid catching up on fire, but be able to stand here, absolutely unwavering from having faced our own inner demons as the ‘hidden corridors’ and dark corners of our mind and as such stand as an actual integrity that we all can in fact cultivate as a self-forgiveness process of everything that we owe to ourselves as life.

 

If you want to begin testing out for yourself this, Go ahead:

  • Desteni Lite ProcessTry it out for Free – No compromises other than committing yourself to support yourself through writing and daring to face who you are as the totality of the lies we have become – and as I said sometime ‘exposing our minds is the least thing we can do in this twisted world’ – we are the twisted ones, not the world, so we align to the world instead.
  • Desteni Forum
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  • Equal Money System so that our LIVES are no longer compromised in a system of Lies
  • Read our Journey to Life blogs

I am lying and you know it. And I Know it…

 

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Straight Trees are Cut First?

“A person should not be too honest. Straight trees are cut first and Honest people are victimized first…” – Popular saying (it seems)

This entails in essence what I was taught while growing up within this current system in relation to ‘how things work’ and how people do/live act according to ‘how things work’ therefore explaining ‘How I should be/act’ accordingly wherein corruption and ‘survivalism’ transcends all forms of potential consideration towards another in ‘doing what’s best for all’ –

Reading the quote brought up what I would hear as a girl growing up from my parents – must say specifically my mother – and within this I’m not projecting blame  as they were told the same while being ‘educated’  in a similar way. There is a counter-act saying here that I remember having written about as well before in some blog ‘El que no tranza, no avanza’ which rhymes and says something like ‘If you don’t cheat you don’t progress’ – so in essence that’s part of the hymns in this country wherein everyone simply accepts and allows corruption, cheating and stealing in blatant ways as to ‘progress’ and have ‘more’ and thus being able ‘succeed’ in the system while abusing and affecting  others.

As a little girl I’d experience great inner conflict with this as my mother was quite a specialist to change prices of stuff when she could for the sake of spending less – as I write this  I get the reaction of ‘Oh I’m exposing my mother’ but it’s for the sake of placing the examples. I’d go into being extremely furious about her doing that because it was cheating and because it was ‘stealing’ while she called it ‘being clever’. So, she’d say things like ‘everybody does it’ and ‘nothing bad is going to happen’ – within this it’s not to go into the details of ‘what may happen’ or ‘stealing’ but the actions themselves on how I was taught that this world and everyone within it ‘did it’ and so if I remained being ‘straight’ all the time, I would eventually be abused and cheated as well, so why not joining the rest for the sake of going with the flow instead of ‘against the tide’? That’s probably how I came to admire ‘straight people’ – or what I created as the ‘idea’ of ‘straight people’ like germans. But that’s another story.

I eventually acted in dishonest ways and participated within the bs that everyone else did  as I have used certain preferences and ways to do things/get things through dishonest ways as well, which made it clear how we ALL created this corrupt society and country wherein our government  has the greatest laugh back as the great epitome of all our ‘petty acts of corruption’ into a major scale that affects everyone. People DO have the government we deserve.

So, in that saying we are all accepting and allowing the fact that deception, cheating, stealing as any other form of corruption that does harm/affects others is ‘the way to be’ because ‘we live in a corrupted world so why would I be the only ‘fool’ that does ‘everything the right/straight way’? It’s indeed a form of shared spitefulness towards each other.

Through a brief research on this quote I saw how others’ comments lie along the lines of ‘It’s not true because I haven’t been victimized!’ meaning that they take their high-stand as ‘being honest’ and ‘not having been stolen from’ so, that’s also proof of the bs that is accepted and allowed in means of keeping our egos and self-image immaculate.

All in all it’s a real nasty saying to say the least as it’s placing the ‘standard of being a human being’ to anything less than what we ALL should direct ourselves to become as Equals as Life. To allow but a single point of diminishing within ourselves, we’re allowing it on to everyone else and this is then the obvious proof of HOW we’ve created this world as it is, how it’s simply ridiculous to blame our governments and ‘the corporations’ when we are complying to being nothing else than blatant liars and corrupted greedy fuckers. It’s implying that ‘if you don’t equally-fuck everyone in the system, you will be fucked anyways’.

Victimization in this sentence is used in a very deceitful way wherein there is obviously no sense of realization on how those that ‘cut the trees’ are not ‘victimizing’ but being deliberately abusive. There is no such thing as ‘being victimized’ either. WE can only be victims of our own mind control and of our own actions if we allow ourselves to be so. For that research SELF HONESTY at Desteni.

This must stop and we’ll have to ‘row against the tide’ for a while within this system as everyone else remains in their current crooked-tree-status or as long as we allow it so – man, I’ll remove the trees from this equation as it’s fucked to use them as analogy judging their ‘crooked’ appearance which is nothing else but their self-expression. Correction:…as everyone else remains in their dishonest spiteful ways of adopting and morphing into the current accepted ways of abuse towards ourselves and others AS the current structure and functioning of society within this world.

It is unacceptable and this will all change within the Equal Money System wherein the basic standard living condition of man being supported as Life will, by default, demand that we Stand Equal to and one with such basic living standard which is nothing else than Self-Honesty wherein no corruption, no greed, no disregard of another living being and the world itself as ourselves will ever be accepted again; as well as entailing the necessary corrective facilities and processes in which each human being will be able to align themselves with the new way of Life in Equality as a principle within our daily living.

No more trees to cut down either.

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