Tag Archives: choices

554. Reverse Engineering Inner Conflict

Or how to walk through a point of anger or blame and see through it towards self-responsibility in one’s life creation

As I was organizing some files and doing a general cleanup in my computer, I saw some documents that I had written out over a year and a half ago where, there was this experience of being ‘stagnant’ and ‘stuck’ somehow in a point of creation in my life. What I find interesting is how upon reading it, it reminded me a bit to a conversation I had a few days ago with someone that was having a similar experience to the one I wrote out at the time.

In the document I wrote for myself, what I closed it off with was simply to remain standing, to keep breathing, keep walking and not seek for ‘ways to hide away’ from my experience. So even if I didn’t have a clear idea of ‘where to start’ getting untangled in my experience, there were basic aspects of self-discipline and consistency to keep myself going and walking regardless of this overall sensation of stagnation or a temporary experience of ‘losing my ground.’

Now that I can look back at the time, I can see how I created such stagnation with certain decisions and points of creation in my life that at the same time now that I walked through them and saw what I was initially ‘aiming’ at with them, I can now stand up from it, learn from it and take the essence of that period in my life and share the ‘ways to walk through it’ for others that might find themselves also in a temporary experience of ‘being lost’ or ‘feeling without a way through’ which is something I’ve been quite familiar with in the past and I have to remain humble and remind myself of having walked through these situations as well, which at the same time enables me to be patient, considerate, humble and flexible with whoever is experiencing something similar in their lives.

What I can now realize is how the experience of stagnation didn’t really ‘go away’ by itself, it was an actual decision to get to be truly self-honest about myself and my experience and make decisions that could create a distinctive change in my reality and therefore in who I am as my choices and decisions. What do I mean with this?

Many times we like to blame anything and everyone we can for ‘the way we feel’ or ‘how we are doing in our lives’ – I’ve been there and done that in terms of blaming money, the system, the place I live in, I’ve blamed the perceived ‘lack’ of something, blaming the people I would share a house with, blaming other people’s ideals and desires towards my life, blaming my decisions, blaming my partner, blaming the past… and the list could go on and on. But it is quite interesting that whenever we are experiencing this ‘stagnation’ or feeling ‘stuck’ we don’t dare to really investigate on the things we actually are aware are the point of self-compromise in our lives. We know it because we are the ones within our own minds, bodies, life on a daily basis, yet we like to look away and always look towards ‘the outside’ as ‘the point’ to change or to blame or to see as the solution.

What went on in my case is actually walk through a point of creation until its ultimate consequence, and by that I’ve also learned to not see it as a ‘wrong decision’ or ‘mistake’ but more like a point of creation that could not stand the test of time, which proves that there were some ego points, energy points that I had to walk through and test out to see for myself what is essentially ‘of life’ and can stand the test of time as my creation, and what was ‘of the mind’ as a point of creation that led me inevitably to an experience of stagnation, of ‘not moving forward’, not expanding and what’s even most frightening is that in the writing I explain how ‘Well, it’s my point of creation and I have to stick with it’ but I did not consider changing it or challenging my decision, choice and point of creation, but more like ‘I’ve made my bed, I’ll lie in it’ type of situation where yes, I agree on the aspect of taking responsibility for one’s creation but at the same time to not be rigid or limited in believing that I cannot change my decision, that I cannot stop a point of creation and expand to another or that I have to ‘marry’ a particular line of creation and stick with it forevermore.

I found it quite interesting how there is a sense of ‘resignation’ that comes along with ‘sacrifice’ as self-victimization in reality, where I believed that I had to ‘walk this path’ and there was ‘no other way’ but to now stick with it because: I created it, I chose it, so I walk through it all, which I essentially did until a point of consequence as an unsustainable outcome came to create an end to that point of creation.

But I did question as well how much I was willing to give a continuation to my own acceptance and allowance of an experience within me that I knew perfectly well what it was linked to, but still, I didn’t challenge myself, my ego, my desires, my self-interest enough to actually see the point that was ‘bugging’ me and was right in front of me all the time – and what happens then is that this experience of dissatisfaction, stagnation, a general ‘stuckness’ in one’s life can become like a constant anger or resentment towards anything and anyone or ‘life’ itself – instead of actually having the guts to look back entirely back at ourselves to see how it is our own self-interest, our own  ego, our own fears, desires, personalities or ‘woman in the red dress’ matrix style keeps us from actually being self-honest and so daring to reverse-engineer our experience and trace it back entirely to where we made certain choices, decisions within a starting point of ego, compromise, desires, seeking a particular experience or point of ‘fulfillment’ in separation of oneself and what do we get according to the input-output? Dissatisfaction, separation, losing one’s ground, loss of ‘identity,’ losing track, believing there’s ‘no point’ in anything in this life… but is it really so or are we only creating an emotional experience to not have to actually face and confront the nature of the decisions, the choices, the paths we’ve decided to walk?

Self-honesty is always a punch in the guts if you will, at times it is the least pleasant thing to do, yet it is also a momentary experience because once that you dare to do it and walk through it and stand your ground when it comes to sticking to one’s living principles, one may walk through a temporary storm and it might seem hard and arduous or never ending – but there will be a way through if we actually remain self-honest in making decisions, choices and actions that reflect the principles that are best for life, one’s life and that of others – and this is not determined by anything else other than action, reaction – input and output.

So, here it is a personal reminder of how whenever I get to experience myself ‘stuck’ or in a point of ‘stagnation’ in one way or another, I have to ‘reverse-engineer’ my experience and Dare to see that which I in fact know is the point of compromise, where I am not wanting to ‘let go’ of something that I am aware is compromising so that within that, I can prevent myself from veering and going towards ‘blame’ and ‘anger’ towards anything and everyone in the world, which can manifest as any form of giving up, seeing no point in continuing walking this life and process, losing one’s ground or seeking a form of validation and reasons to ‘keep going’ from others, which is an equal point of compromise because it is only self that can decide to stand up, clean up one’s act, straighten up one’s decisions and then see what happens when one does that.

All I can say is that, we determine the magnitude of our consequences, we determine how ‘far’ we allow something to continue going within ourselves without a direction towards change in self-honesty. Therefore, whenever blame comes, whenever anger comes what do we know? We are actually angry at ourselves for not doing what we deeply – or sometimes ‘on our face’ – know and are aware is our point of self-compromise, and the more we don’t change it, the more the emotional experience increases, because deep inside ourselves we know we could change things, we know we could make different choices, we know we could be standing in a different position than the self-compromising one we’ve taken – so this will all last as long as our ego lasts in any form or way. And with this, it’s not to see it as a very damning process either, because how else would we know which points we are still being ‘held by’ in ourselves, by who we are as our mind/ego if we didn’t have the direct reflection of our choices, our thoughts, our words and deeds as the experiences that we create towards ourselves – and others – as a result of our self-dishonesty.

A fitting saying is  ‘we do it to ourselves’ really, and so that’s how we are always the problem and at the same time the solution. My suggestion is to not get completely blinded by the experience, because ultimately it is a way for us to hide from our responsibility, from our self-honesty – but to rather face it and confront it, as Sunette said in her vlog ‘take the bull by the balls’ really because it does take guts to stand in that place/point or position that one may have wanted to ‘hold on to’ but that at the same time, might be the one point that was keeping a hold to one’s expansion and development in one’s process – only we can know what such point is and all I can suggest is being courageous to see for ourselves what it is and do what is necessary to align oneself back on track to the path of living and expanding in self-honesty.

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137. Who am I within Choosing?

 

Fear: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘want to have it all’ while facing a point of decision between two or more options wherein the fear that emerges is ‘missing out on something’ by choosing one point or the other, instead of realizing that a want, need and desire exist as a mind point that can in fact be grounded and ‘landed’ to transform it into a physical practical and self-aware decision to be, do and live from the starting point of what’s best for all.

 

When and as I see myself fearing losing ‘the other one’ point as ‘option’ that I believed and perceived myself to have, I stop and I breathe – I realize that such point of possession to create a sense of ‘winning’ one and ‘losing’ the other only exists depending on the point of preference that I have created in my mind. Thus it is to instead change the starting point of who I am within having to ‘choose’ and instead of ‘choosing,’ simply turning the point into an informed decision that I can stand by for eternity.

 

I realize that the perceived loss is not real as it only exists within my mind, therefore it is to precisely walk the realization that I cannot fear losing something/someone that I cannot ‘own,’ thus it is to simply stop recreating the relationship in my own mind that holds no physical foundation other than thoughts, feelings and emotions when going into a conflict due to ‘fearing’ losing that other choice that only exists at a mind level. Instead I asses the points within the physical reality and stopping judging one or the other as ‘superior’ and ‘inferior’ as that’s only mind-assessing a point, instead of looking at it physically

 

I commit myself to realize that whenever I have ‘two choices’ and see myself wanting to ‘have it all’ as a point of mind possession to end up ‘winning,’ to see and realize that a point of choice can exist within the consideration of its viability and how plausible it is in this physical reality – as it is also a point to assess within practical terms instead of only viewing it as a point of preference as a ‘choice’ of a positive or a negative outcome, as that limits the point and reduces both options to simple inferior/ superior points as defined within the relationship we have formed with them in our mind, instead of walking it physically.

I see and realize that the first and primary point is walking my self equality and oneness wherein I cannot be defined by having/ not having/ holding one relationship to something/ someone, but instead are physically directed as points of support that I can align myself to without generating a desire and fear about it, but simply making decisions that are based on what is best for myself as all – and that’s the only valid point to take into consideration when making a decision. 

 

 

Thought:I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of a point of leaving something/ someone behind/ missing out on something/someone which is placing a point of value/worth in separation of myself, missing out the actuality as the realization of who we are as one and equal wherein there can exist no loss nor gain in any way whatsoever.

when and as I see myself creating a point of conflict because of not wanting to ‘leave’ something/ someone behind in means of opting for the choice/ point that is in fact best for all, I stop and I breathe. I realize that there is no point of gain or loss within making an informed decision that is best for all, as all that I am is in fact here as one and equal and that what I decide to be/ become and support myself with, can stand within such equal and one consideration as I am the one that decides the starting point of  myself within what’s best for all.

In this I can ensure that I in fact assist and support myself within my process, creating a point of actual self-support wherein I do not define ‘who I am’ based on the options/ points that I decide to walk with/ support myself with or dismiss, but instead become actual living-physical decisions of what can work and what cannot work, and in this the mind’s experience is not relevant as a decisive factor to ‘what I choose’  as this ‘choice’ can only exist within the principle of what is best for all in fact –

 

I commit myself to see realize and understand that a decision made within the consideration of what is best for, all cannot have a point of ‘lack’ in itself, it is to then see the ‘lack’ and sense of ‘dismissing’ as mind-created experiences in order to keep myself within a point of conflict that cannot exist and do not have to exist if there is clarity and certainty within the decisions made within the principle of what’s best for all – thus I realize that any dubitative mode around something, must be looked at what I fear ‘losing,’ then realizing that point of loss as an actual illusion created only in my mind as I cannot in fact ‘own’ something/ someone – it is only a decision to walk in this or that direction within the consideration of what is in fact best for all.

 

 

Imagination: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a point of ultimate satisfaction as physical exploration wherein I can get ‘what I want ‘and within that, satisfy only a desire in my mind that in fact indicates a point that I have separated myself from – in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself through relationships to options/ choices that generate a point of conflict wherein I am the one that has created the conflict when not considering the point in practicality, but instead approach it at the level of desire/ want and need.

 

 

When and as I see myself imagining a point of happiness in relation to ‘having it all/ being able to keep the best of both worlds,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that when walking the points of separation toward one or the other points/ choices, I am in fact able to see what remains as a practical and physical solution, wherein there is no longer a ‘make believe’ reality of ‘what can be’ as hope in my mind, but instead consider the physical practicality of such decisions and how it can in fact work in a long term basis as a living-decision in my life, wherein I ensure that everything and everyone involved, are equally supported within such decision.

 

 

I commit myself to walk the realization of how any belief that I had wherein I can always ‘end up winning’ in my world and that everything always ‘turns to my favor’  is a lie – Instead I can practically decide to align any point in my world to a best for all decision wherein I no longer stand as a a relationship to such point of choice/ option but instead, integrate it as part of the decisions that are based on practical terms, instead of playing a Hollywood movie in my mind, fueling mind desires that are not required at all when the point at hand implies Real living decisions.

 

 

Backchat: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold the backchat ‘but I want to have all options’ as an indication that any point that is sought to be possessed/ owned is in fact that which I have separated myself from, creating an energetic relationship in my mind of want, need and desire  – thus

 

When and as I see myself thinking ‘But I want it all/ I want to have all options’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that the BUT is already indicating a point of condition and restriction wherein I only Seek that which will give me an ensured point of ‘satisfaction’ in my mind, wherein the physical reality is not being considered. Thus it is to walk within the realization that the choices we make in our lives will determine the who we decide to be in our reality – and in that, only a principle of what’s best for al is what stands the test of time.

 

I commit myself to stop myself from holding two or more points in my mind as options that I Want and Desire to have/ own for my personal benefit, as it is within these points of desire as the mind that I create unnecessary conflict that I can see and realize are not necessary if I equalize such points to viable and practical solutions wherein I consider what it is that I am in fact willing to be and participate in throughout my life and in my world. 

Physical: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a point of physical strain in my body due to existing as a diatribe in my mind based on seeking to fulfill points that I have separated myself from as desires and finding no way to ‘materialize’ them, as I see and realize that I can instead walk within/ through self forgiveness each relationship formed  to ensure that I am in fact considering the physical reality that is Here as all and everything in which I can decide what I will be/ live and become within opting for one point or another as the decision we make in our lives that will define who we are and will be.

 

When and as I see myself creating a point of strain at a physical level upon existing in a certain conflict, I stop and I breathe – I realize that a point of conflict that exists within myself as my mind is not taking the points to a physical and practical reality, but only fueling a point of conflict through thinking, backchat and internal conversations. Thus

 

I commit myself to breathe whenever I see myself wanting to ‘shove away’ thoughts that I consider as ‘not relevant’ and instead walk them through writing, applying self forgiveness to see what it is that I am in fact existing as in every moment and within this, ensure that I do get to know myself as my mind, as this is not about anything or anyone else but myself in such moment as the relationship that I have with myself as my mind. Then, once the point is walked writing, the practical considerations must be given direction to.

Consequence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not exist here as an absolute clarity of who and what I am and what I am willing to be and become based on the decisions I made – thus

 

When and as I see myself existing as an experience of inner conflict that manifests at a physical level, it is to investigate my own thoughts, my own immediate backchat, reactions and experiences so that instead of ‘shoving them aside,’ I can support myself to in  fact walk them within and through Self Forgiveness to then see and assess what are the points I am separating myself from as a desire, and instead, direct myself to consider the physical practicality of our living decision.

I realize that all decisions stand from and within the consideration of self-equality and oneness, wherein whatever I choose or not chose does not change ‘who I am,’ as such decision will be based within the consideration of who and what I am as one and equal to the points that I decide to align myself to.

 

I commit myself to live the realization that any decision I made stands as part of the self-agreement that I decide to give to myself as the realization that that which I will decide to live and stand by, will be the expression of myself as one and equal in its entirety – thus, it is to instead walk a practical physical living-projection to see what is viable, what is plausible and what  are the potential outcomes when opting for certain decisions in our lives.

I realize that the Who I Am within ‘Wanting to Have it All’ is in fact a mind that seeks to satisfy itself with positive experiences and call that ‘a life/ living’ and ‘fulfillment.’ We are already here, and any point we decide to live with and by, stands as a 1+1 addition, wherein one cannot be less or more than one plus one.

 

This is the point wherein Self-Honesty stands as the guiding point wherein all the perceived choices can be actually be taken and considered within the starting point of what is best for all and in that, there is no way I can fool myself, as it is plain to see that any point approached from the starting point of energy, will fall. Thus I direct myself to make decision, direct myself always within the consideration of the physical reality and what I am here to equalize myself to and as within the consideration of what is best for all.

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that Any Choice that Cause Harm to another Life Form, is NOT FREE.

I commit myself to SHOW that FREE Choice is to Be FREE to NOT ABUSE Life.” – Bernard Poolman*

Desteni

Desteni I Process

Equal Money System 

 

 

Blogs:

*Day 137: FREE Choice and True Activism

The Mind System’s Conscious-Mind Structural Resonance – Part 1 (Self-Forgiveness): DAY 137

 

Absolutely Supportive Interviews to get to know ourselves as choices, decisions and preferences as the mind:


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