Tag Archives: city

434. Hissy-Fit: Trance-Ending it.

 

Yesterday I noticed an interesting pattern that I had probably not seen with as much detail as before, simply because there has been a tendency to allow the kind of ‘short fuse’ situations to become a normalcy, especially when walking in the city.

So the story goes this way: it rained a lot the past days and puddles were around many places. I was walking with my partner in the middle of crossing one big avenue when I saw that the lights were red and so, it was time to cross in a short period of time – this city is not designed for pedestrians to begin with – which prompted me to give a bit of a jump and cross. I did not communicate this to him, which caused him to give a sudden jump into one area where there was a large puddle of watery mud. This simple event led me into an immediate experience of being pissed off or irritated, seeing it as ‘stupid’ that such thing could have happened. I started saying out loud to him ‘Didn’t you see where you were stepping? I’ve told you before to watch your step in these fucked up sidewalks!’ because that’s a reality, there’s no smooth ‘walk’ in the city that you can just go walking looking straight ahead of you, because not many places are even/ properly built and/or with wires sticking out, holes, etc.  Even though we were not in a hurry, I noticed that I got flustered about it. Here it is to see that even before asking if he was alright or if he had twisted his ankle or something, to me it was like immediately pointing out what he should have done or how ‘foolish’ the situation was, in a way implying that ‘this should not be happening to us right now.’

As we kept walking, he would stopped twice to clean the shoes and his sock, so at some point I said to him we should instead just sit in a place so that he can properly, clean the shoe, check his foot etc. But my tonality was of course already coming with this harshness, to which he asked if I was pissed, and laughing a bit out of it. It’s great because he usually just don’t follow with my every now and then bursts of whatever fit I tend to create, he just points it out and that moment I realized what I was doing. I reminded me of what I had written just hours before and applied precisely the point that I had written on not being hard on others, to be considerate, to be humble, to be patient.

So I ‘stepped down of my fit’ and said ‘ geez, yes, I got pissed but there’s no reason for it! Why am I even pissed! I should instead first ask if you are ok, if your foot is ok.’ So, it took a simple moment to question this sudden hissy fit, to then immediately see ‘wait, what am I pissed off about? This doesn’t even make sense!’ So, again, I apologized and then as we kept walking I was able to see the whole point being mostly a pattern I’ve seen or witnessed in my father. Whenever my mother would do something ‘less than perfect’ especially while traveling, moving or being out and about, he would point it out to her with certain anger/annoyance, almost in a way wanting her to know that ‘she’d fucked up,’ in a way it is like scolding. Actually now I remember that my partner pointed out exactly the point that made me see this precise pattern, something around the lines of ‘What is it? You cannot tolerate that which messes up your status-quo, is it unacceptable?’ And so I was able to see that, yes, anything that ruins this ‘perfected idea’ of what our walk in that moment was going to be got ‘screwed up.’

So, I completely stepped down of the experience as I saw how abusive it was. Is this at all something acceptable? Absolutely not, I could even get embarrassed from admitting I can get flustered about things like this; though this emerged, lasted some ten minutes because through communicating and doing my own ‘introspection’ in the moment, I was able to see the reason for it, the ‘learned behavior’ and this ‘perfectionism’ that makes me cringe every time something unexpected happens.

Then after some minutes I explained this point to my partner, how I need to be flexible when things don’t go as expected and how there is no reason to get pissed at it and instead focus on practical matters – like checking he’s physically doing alright. One supportive thing is that he doesn’t hold a grudge for it or changes the way he addresses me for it, we have learned throughout the various months of living together to not hold on to a moment of reactions, but to rather speak through it, get to an understanding, and a future consideration to prevent further moments like this.

From my perspective this kind of behavior is more of a physical and automated response that contains almost no thoughts, just sudden ‘pissed-offness’ that I wasn’t able to pin point at first when only remaining in an experience. It was through communication and then doing some further ‘inner-research’ that I was able to understand it. Yet what is most important is the ability to let go of the experience in the moment, to relax the body, to ensure all is clear in relation to the situation and keep on with the day, not holding onto it at all, but understanding the reaction and ensuring one gets to establish principles, words and corrections for any other ‘occasion’ this or any other similar point could show up.

I also see the benefit of voicing the words, the considerations for any other time or moment where something ‘unexpected’ happens, this means sharing with whomever you are so that we hold ourselves to our word with others that are close to us as well, and create an all-around learning process from it, instead of allowing it to ‘ruin’ a moment for a petty situation.

 

Not breathing

 

Check out:

Life Review – Short Fused Temper Tantrums

 

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The world just had a ‘tough day’

It is through wake-up calls that humanity will start seeing more and more that we are driving this world into insanity.
Coming home watching the news with a ‘financial meltdown’, London in flames and 29 000 kids under 5 years old dead in Somalia over 3 months of starvation with other 3.5 million severely requiring immediate aid makes you ponder how far do we have to go to see what we’re doing to ourselves in this world.

Within this, I’ve encountered ‘mixed perspectives’ so to speak wherein some are still taking a side on the entire problem instead of realizing that it is all our creation – equally – We’ve been the creators of the current system wherein we’ve allowed royals to exist while millions starve in a country where no one can even ‘help’ because of further jihads taking place in the area.

Though this and what is to come, we cannot allow ourselves to be appalled, that can only add on to the hysteria that’s being promoted while it’s only about seeing what’s going on in the world as a result of our negligence to all life.

I made this etching this some 3 years ago – it was part of realizing that we’ve cut our own hand while creating this reality, it’s the realization that we have actually failed to see this world as ourselves, and from there my stand can only be the realization that it is me that must stand up even if the world is upside down, through that constant support that I can give myself to not allow myself to ‘fall’ into a certain state due to how I see the world I am able to then embrace this world as myself and walk the necessary steps to continue living for life – to continue walking this process until it’s done.

It’s quite obvious that the events that are to come into this world won’t be ‘brighter’ tomorrow – we’ll be facing the truth and reality of ourselves full on and within all of this, within you sitting in front of your tv or computer, I can only say: watch the news, get informed in relation to what’s going on in this world, but let’s not get ourselves down or appalled by what we see – we rather see it as a manifested consequence of our disregard to life, of the failure that we’ve created as humanity to guard Life and instead guarded money with our lives – failing to see that our duty to be a custodian to life has been diverted towards an outcome that can have only result in an imperative desire to be the ‘kings of the world’ at all cost – that cost is here, is higher than ever and what we are realizing is nothing nice, nothing pretty of ourselves – this is our actual revelation.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to neglect life in all moments wherein I kept accepting a system wherein we simply continued participating in our worlds without having ever asked pertinent questions in relation to our existence, to our ability to create a system that could work for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to accept social inequality as the result of my own desire to avoid self-responsibility wherein the existence of slaves and economically marginalized people signified a convenience for me to not have to ‘do the job’ but rather have the ‘power’  as money to have others doing the stuff for me, having others taking self responsibility for myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be appalled by the news today calling it a ‘tough day for Earth’ without realizing that this is just information that we are getting to know of because it’s got major impact on financial markets- YET the abuse, the starvation, the corruption that’s existent everywhere in this world doesn’t get such promotion because it prevents people from ‘being happy’ and consuming more to fool-fill themselves.

I can see that I have accepted and allowed this all the way hence me being affected by it is in fact resorting once again as a victim to this world and system without realizing I am this world, I am this system and I can’t possibly continue this way.

I realize that I am the only one that is able to support myself and within this, support others equally to walk this no matter what, not allowing us to react and participate in massive-hysterias and massive-fears which can only be but another way to drive humanity easy to self-doom.

We stop and we simply expose the reality for what it is, always pointing out that it’s about the entire contract that we’ve created as humanity while disregarding our ability to create a system that could be best for all. I allow myself to liv e in Equality to no longer be another ‘affected person’ but be a self-directive person that exposes, that shares perspectives in order to continue supporting ourselves, to lose all faith and believes of a ‘better world’ and instead dare to care and live myself through writing, through reflecting my experience and correct it in my reality.

I no longer allow myself to be appalled by the events of this world wherein I speak from a point of knowledge based on what’s being promoted in the news and instead, continue to breathe and walk and direct myself to a single outcome which is Equality as Life as myself, realizing and applying it and living it every moment that I’m here – from there, I can only see that the ‘tough days’ can be walked and breathed through, learning what we’ve done and why we have created this world as it currently is. Taking Self Responsibility for ourselves as individuals within the context of this world is key point here

Thank you – see you at Desteni.

http://www.desteni.co.za


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