Tag Archives: claustrophobic

645. Revisiting My Own Birth

 

 This is a new year, a new decade and I’m surely starting it with quite a massive change coming in our lives soon and all that I can do is give a possible or tentative final chapter to this series of blogs related to pregnancy now since I am officially 37 weeks, and from next week on, baby can decide to be born any time. I didn’t find something that relevant or different to share in the past month since I definitely kept on the same routine and habits I had shared about in the previous blog and everything has been going well and I had been feeling quite fine. I started this new year though with a flu and with that not being able to ‘keep up’ with the routine I have set for myself and then, suddenly I started feeling more discomfort and weight on my belly and more tiredness and aches in parts I had not had it before and that also came as a realization that, well, yes, we’re now officially into the ninth month and so it makes sense that I’m coming to experience that shortness of breath and tiredness everyone was talking about. But, I am still recovering from the flu and I haven’t moved as much and I may be speaking from that kind of context of hitting the nine months and having a flu – nonetheless, I am thankful though that sleeping isn’t yet much of a problem or aching so much. I do seem to have some kind of contractions, but it’s also part of baby gaining more weight and positioning to get out, but I know it’s all quite ‘chilled’ at this point compared to what may be the actual birthing process, but even that, we can’t really know how will actually go.

I want to write about the birthing process and my relationship to my own birth since we’ve had some interesting support from midwives about certain conditions I may have and how it could relate to the way I was born.  Perhaps this is something that may be entirely an assumption or ‘linking of the dots’ in a convenient way, but I do see that it is nonetheless timely to open up about it and walk through any remnants of that as I prepare to give birth and to use this opportunity to heal from my own birthing experience as in ‘how I came into this world.’

I had at some point written about the idea of having had fetal suffering with having the umbilical cord around my neck. I’m recently learning that’s not really ‘a problem’ to be given birth in a natural way, and more like how some doctors may use that as a reason to get the woman into a surgery, which is a whole topic in itself when it comes to the various reasons why some doctors prefer to induce women into labor or getting c-sections without there being a real need for it. In my mother’s case after she explained her labor process with us, it seems that this was the case. That means, I probably wasn’t really having fetal suffering and all the ideas that I created in my mind about ‘having had fetal suffering therefore I have this inherent ‘emotional suffering’ as part of my nature’. What I did go through though is the inducing of labor, which implies this rush to get me out and compressing in time the whole labor process that my mother could have naturally gone through, but was sped up artificially. How could that have affected me? There were some lines drawn to certain experiences that ‘could be’ linked to it, and I’ll share about them here.

I’ve noticed how up to this day in certain conditions I may show some signs of lacking air, feeling a bit claustrophobic for example if being in a bus with too many people – or having little to no space around me empty – suddenly seeing myself almost gasping for air or wanting to open up windows because of perceiving that ‘I can’t breathe’, almost like claustrophobia and having this urge to ‘get out’ as soon as I can. I actually even recall this kind of experiences quite vividly whenever I’ve had them, including the time when I didn’t know how to swim as a kid and I ended up at the bottom of the pool and having that same anxiety of ‘wanting to go to the surface’ and not knowing how to and feeling quite desperate and afraid of not being able to ‘get out’ and breathe. I end up having similar symptoms when having low blood pressure, all of a sudden getting tired and yawning after having been just fine the moment prior to me thinking : ‘I’m in a packed place, it’s hot, there’s little oxygen, I have to get out quickly’.

Well, the suggestion was made that this could be a remnant of my birth experience where I basically was pushed to go out through chemicals that induce and rush contractions in an unnatural way and even though this was happening, my mother didn’t dilate. I didn’t know this, and this was essentially medical negligence because then it simply meant it wasn’t my time at all but, it was all forced to fit a certain timeframe and with the assumption that me having the umbilical cord was a sign of fetal suffering = therefore I had to be taken out.  What happened then is that because mother was having contractions, but there was no dilation, I felt most likely trapped, being pushed to go out but having no way of going out.

It also reminds me of the kind of panic I would go into, like petrifying fear whenever I would play with my sisters and they would lock me in a closet, I’d go into some kind of trauma in those moments because of not being able to get out as well and start crying desperately, also gasping for air even if I was say locked in a bathroom or a closet that had sufficient oxygen. Well, it all sounds a bit similar to what I could have gone through at the moment of birth and that being the cause of my fetal suffering: being pushed to go out but having no way to go out and so having had to be taken out surgically through a c-section.

So here, also clarifying that it’s not about the c-section in itself that was the problem, but the conditions around it that (mis)led to it and what I most likely went through within my mother and what my mother went through as all the worry, apprehension and stress of having these heavy contractions but having no ‘opening’ at all.  I was suggested to make peace with what transpired at the time and instead focus on being grateful for having being born, being alive and healing that birthing process within me, so that it doesn’t reverberate into the experience that’s coming up for me next in giving birth myself.

I am aware that what I experience as let’s call it the ‘claustrophobic’ experience may or may not be related to the birthing process, but since understanding things usually leads me to the ability of making peace or making amends with things, I decide to for now take this ‘connecting of the dots’ to self-forgive it, walk through it, understanding what happened, what was done, why it was done and let go of it, not harboring any bad feelings around it either since it was a different time back when I was born and there might have been mistakes made. But hey, I’m here and alive so, now that I’m aware of what actually transpired, I can stop creating stories or reasoning about it and simply heal from it, let it go, understand it and focus on what’s here for me to look at now that the birthing time is coming closer, and so have a blank slate on how a birthing process can be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to harbor an experience of claustrophobia as in going into a physical perception of lacking oxygen, lacking air to breathe, not being able to breathe, feeling suddenly weak and sometimes even having cold sweat pouring out as signs of distress that could have originated from the time when I was ‘induced to be born’ through chemical means that would try and accelerate the birthing process, yet not having a ‘way out’ naturally as the opening of my mother’s vagina to actually have a way out, and in the end, having to be taken out through a surgical maneuver that may not have been necessary if proper time was given for me to be birthed.

I realize that at the time, my mother and doctors did what they thought was best for her and for me as a baby having the circular around the neck – the umbilical cord around the neck – and believing that was a sign of fetal suffering that they had to act on, and that my mother followed doctor’s orders and perspectives because of not knowing any better, and with that comes then my own forgiveness to doctors and my mother for not knowing any better way to deal with that situation and doing what was common to do at the time.

I realize that currently I have the opportunity to live in a different time, different era where a lot of the misconceptions around pregnancy and giving birth are being opened up for discussion and clarifying a lot of beliefs that would usually lead to surgical births for example, and that are now not considered a reason to induce labor, speed up labor, doing c-sections or intervening mothers in other unnatural ways to give birth – and that I now have sufficient information and education about it to make different decisions on how to give birth, what is doable and what is not and having this opportunity to perhaps prevent my own child from going through what I went through in my own birthing experience, and with that, allowing myself to be birthed again with her in a more suitable way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in any unconscious way harbor resentment or anger towards my mother and the doctors for the way that I was born, for the experience that was perhaps traumatic and claustrophobic as I was pressured to go outside of my mother’s womb, of not being ‘respected’ enough to allow me to naturally show signs of wanting to get out, but instead be intervened because of a belief around fetal suffering at the time, even if it wasn’t yet my time to go out.  

I realize that they all did what they could in my best interest with the knowledge that they all had at the time and that if I had been in their exact same shoes and responsibility and with the same amount of information or education they had, I would have done the same thing in the consideration of what I would know to be best.

Therefore, all that is left for me to do is to prevent such same or similar scenarios in my own process of giving birth to our child now that I have access to more information and education about the real contexts or complications where I’d have to go into an emergency c-section surgery and knowing when not to worry to be unnecessarily rushed into one, such as having long labor or not dilating as quick as it would be ‘ideal’ or having a circular around the neck or losing the mucous plug ‘long before due date’ – but mostly realizing that now I’m also in the hands of people that have their best interest on me having a natural birthing process and that we could only consider a surgery if it is strictly necessary – and this is then the trust that I can give to myself and to my baby to be fine with either outcome based on how things evolve on the birthing process itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to recreate the same suffering or traumatic experience I had in my own birth whenever some elements I’ve defined as ‘distressful’ are in my environment, such as when feeling like there’s a lack of oxygen in the air, when feeling like I don’t have enough space around me to move and so feeling like I have to ‘rush to get out’ and in general the experience of ‘having to rush’ constantly and not being able to slow down may even come from that experience of having to ‘quickly’ move somewhere or go out and not being able to be just stable and calm even if having a small limited amount of space around me in certain environments, or if seeing closed windows and perceiving that ‘I need some fresh air’ in moments when going into this kind of physical distress that may – or may not be- related to the experience I had when being forced to get out from my mother’s womb as a baby.

I realize that I’ve been explained how no matter how ‘tight’ a place can be with people, the idea of lack of oxygen is mostly a belief in my mind and that the experience of ‘having to rush to get out’ may also be a remnant of that initial experience within my mother’s womb that I can now let go of and instead direct myself to practice remaining calm, learning to breathe properly as well, deep enough so that I can actually replenish my body with necessary oxygen and at the same time, to use that breathing process to settle myself down in my body, to not fuel ideas of ‘having to move or go somewhere’ but instead to embrace that moment where I can redirect my focus and attention from ‘lack of oxygen’ to ‘I can breathe, I’m here, my physical body has what it needs, there’s no rush to go somewhere, I can slow down, be here, I’m here’.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to recreate a sense of resentment and anger towards medical professionals that have and may continue to induce labor to women for unnecessary reasons, causing more babies to go through the kind of experience that I went through – or worse – and within this to realize that my own pain, suffering or emotional distress now that I know how these things work only do a disservice to my own body and the baby that is growing within me, therefore I let go of the emotional stress about it and remain calm.

I realize that the real path to change is to be informed, to get educated about what really goes on in the birthing process so that I can know how things may be, how ‘complications’ may be approached, how to handle certain obstacles during the birthing process and how to also make peace if intervention is needed in case my body does require it and it is in fact the best option for everyone involved, myself and my baby.

I also realize that I have to be open to the unknown in this birthing process and that a lot of ‘stuff’ may open up that day that I need to physically work through and go through, and that all that I have for now as a preparation is knowing that I can trust myself. I also have to listen to my body, to not get ‘hooked’ on a particular idea of ‘how I want things to be’ but to always place our wellbeing as a priority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mentally resist and fear the idea of having to go through surgical procedures or further intervention to give birth, instead of realizing that if I resist and fear it, it persists. Instead, I need to embrace that as a possible path if it is necessary to go through it.

I realize that as much as I’ve set myself to do it in a natural or less intervened way, things may not happen the way that I could prefer them to happen – therefore, I embrace the possibilities of what may be needed or required to be done when the birthing process takes place.

I realize that flexibility and being open to ‘the unknown’ is a key here considering that we may sometimes want things to be in a particular way and create expectations about it, which may simply not turn out to be the reality that we create and face and so, that becomes the origin of resentment, guilt, dissatisfaction and even anger for not being able to ‘accomplish’ certain birth plan, as it is called. I’m making peace with whatever has to happen that day and time whenever baby decides to come out into this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my body will not handle this kind of process properly and that I won’t be ‘strong enough’ for it, not realizing these are fears from times when I would actually have this kind of ‘lack of air’ in certain physical situations and feeling like ‘fainting’ which might be once again related to this belief that there is something ‘wrong with me and my body’ and ‘I don’t have a physical body that’s suitable for demanding exercises’ or situations – however, I have been physically challenging that idea and I have to make peace with the fact that anything can happen, but I can have the certainty and can be proud of myself of how I have invested on my physical wellbeing to be prepared for that birthing process and for what’s to come, regardless of the outcome and regardless of how my body can handle things and how baby decides to come into this world.

All that I can be and focus on is on my own trust, strength and confidence to do what it takes to walk through the birthing process, something I never thought of going through in this life to be honest and that I can also feel now proud of being willing to go through and have the courage for it, after having been so fearful of anything related to giving birth for most of my life, mostly because of hearsay, misinformation, lack of proper education and will to learn more about it, because of fears really. I now see the capacity to turn things around if I decide to do so with awareness, dedication and willingness to do this with all of my being, a once in a lifetime process for sure, because even if one has more kids, no process is ever the same, and that applies for everything really.

As a closure, first of all, this is all a result of walking the Desteni process, I do not know how I would have handled something like this without the support and tools to break through some of the main limitations I’ve had lived in for two thirds of my life. I also can be glad and satisfied with how I have carried this pregnancy process on, for the most part it became quite enjoyable to be honest after the first three or so months. It’s perhaps the kind of challenge I consider I wouldn’t have taken on with full awareness or deciding to do so explicitly – as that worst of me was overriding my ability to see beyond my initial fears – nonetheless it has been an opportunity to grow as a person, and I’m extremely thankful for it, we both are.  And even though it has its challenges, difficulty in making certain decisions and even if discomfort emerges from time to time, I embrace it as part of the whole actual miracle that creating a baby inside me is, without me being aware of it at all. And on top of that, the time that’s left is really nothing to go through some more ‘slowing down’ processes, some more ‘weight of life’ to carry on in order to give birth to the new part of us that is coming into this world J

All the best for us and for all of you, let’s see how life unfolds J

Happy new year 2020

 

Litografía - Ultrasonido

 

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Day 26: Captive in My Own Cage

 

While listening to the latest chapters of the  Atlanteans’ series wherein the entire process of being being ‘imprisoned’ is explained in detail, I could see that my reactions to this energetic caging and enslavement were like physical experiences of slight chest constrictions and a general sense of regret mixed with powerlessness, as I explained yesterday.

I can see how the word ‘captive’ depicts the associations that I created of myself within such experience, which is what I felt like and fed through various thoughts that were part of the crutches that I would use as an excuse to pursue spirituality, seeing my body as a cage believing that who I really was is some spiritual being trapped in this body, this vessel – yet the point that we got to understand today is how there is no-part of me to oppose, neglect or dispose here, it is about an actual integration of who I really am as one and equal within what would be popularly identified as the mind, body and spirit – however this is understood as: the mind, the physical body and consciousness as the trinity that we’ve become wherein the equalization of all three points implies me walking myself back to self through occupying my mind, body and understanding how I created myself as consciousness to only later on, get to the point of birthing self as life which is only a possibility once that we walk ourselves backwards.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as a captive, as a prisoner and exist within a perceived victimization from what I accepted and allowed as a process of being captivated in order to become who and what we are today as human beings, without being able to remember why I had lived in such an internal conflict within feeling like a prisoner in my own body, without realizing that I haven’t actually ever occupied my body in its totality – therefore, how could I deem it as a cage if I am not even aware of the internal processes it functions as?

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to an experience within the mind as an energetic imprisonment which has been the real ‘captivity’ that I have lived within and as, wherein I disregarded the absolute draining of physical matter to keep up my delusions and experiences of alienation from my very physical body, it is unacceptable to say the least what we have done to ourselves, what we accepted and allowed and how a single belief about who we are led us to the consequences we are facing today.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold myself captive of my own thinking processes about what I have accepted and allowed within my life and throughout existence, which means that I created general reactions of irritation and loathe toward everyone wherein ‘my freedom’ was sought in separation of the whole, wherein I thought that I was the only one feeling like imprisoned and limited, being ‘caged’ in my own body, without really understanding how we function as one organism that exists in constant recreation of separation by me using my mind and physical body to elaborate further ways to separate myself from the whole, which is what has led us to ‘upgrade’ our human version into a more distrustful, fearful, jealous, envious being that fears its own fear.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate ‘freedom’ with being out of the body- having no body at all – and not having to eat which is what I also have held as a constant experience of enslavement whenever any physical need has to be met, simply because of how I have judged this physical body and design wherein I created an experience toward it. I sought to make myself feel better about it, without realizing that in this very movement to ‘get out of the experience’ I would inevitably stir the waters and create further inner conflict, as I resisted to see and realize that it was simply me creating an energetic experience in my mind that is absolutely separated from the actuality of the physical reality, in this

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as my mind, as my physical, as my creation which is my own body and everyone else around me wherein I got to be reluctant to accept myself here, because of not seeing ‘any point in life’ and within that, only fueling the separation that could only exist within my own mind, without any actual physical reference of the body being actually a cage or any other form of confinement that I believed it to be within my own mind, only. I realize that who I am as consciousness could only understand the physical through its narrow and limited ways of understanding the physical reality, which is not a beingness but knowledge only.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that whenever I sought to overcome/ fight an internal conflict, when and while I tried to force my way out of it, I would invariably create further resistance, conflict, friction as separation, which means that any belief of me being ‘over it’ is only a defense mechanism of my own ego to protect the reality that is still here and that must be self-forgiven in order to reintegrate myself back to self, wherein there is nothing to oppose or overcome or grow out of, but instead realizing the separation for the mind-creation that it is and walk the process of reintegrating myself back to self in equality and oneness, where no further conflicts are created as I will have then understood the starting point of me separating myself in friction and conflict as a self-created experience to only generate energy for my mind to continue existing, as part of the ‘maintenance processes’ that I have participated in within the co-creation processes within this reality.

 

I realize that the only solution is for me to unconditionally stop any type of judgment, not only toward the body in itself, but toward this idea of myself having been a captive throughout my existence. This implies that no victimization can be held toward myself/ anyone else. I become the point that stops all mental captivity in reducing myself to being a single idea, a single experience and being ‘held captive’ by my own deliberate participation in such concepts that I gave my power away to in order to regenerate the initial existential conflict created from that initial moment of separation, wherein I accepted an existence of seeking the positive to feel more/ feel better about myself and the idea of self that I accepted and allowed as ‘who I am.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate an experience toward the word ‘captive’ which implies that I can only inflict such limitation upon myself through my own participation as it, which is how easy an entire relationship of mind-abuse toward self can be followed/ created by living out a word as an experience, instead of realizing that I can simply self-forgive it and stop regenerating such beliefs and perceptions as myself.

I realize that captivity is simply an experience created within my mind as the accumulations of thoughts that I tried to make as if it was ‘okay,’ when it was really a draining experience when having no direction over my experiences and essentially becoming sad and dismal whenever any thoughts of a similar nature would come up.

 

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create this existential woe and dread from the belief and perception of being held captive by ‘someone else,’ without realizing that the best cage that I’ve built for myself has been my own thoughts that have created and generated an entire fortress as a limitation to my actual ability to live and express here unconditionally.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to want to blame others for this experience of feeling like a captive, which would imply that I sought for revenge other than actual freedom from such captivity, disregarding at all times and not even considering that I had been the one that accepted and allowed and fully agreed upon such moment of separation, which stemmed from a set of beliefs that are no different to the current belief system that we are still living in as our world-cage and fueling with our own participation in it every single day, just by the mere fact of living in a world wherein money decides who lives and who dies.

 

Okay – here’s the point tied with the point of being born into this world and essentially the memory of ever having blamed my parents for bringing me into this world. I can see how that is also another aspect of me blaming my mother/ father because I apparently didn’t choose to be here, so all in all it was me trying to find a reason and a general culprit for what I accepted and allowed beyond family ties and being born from two human beings. I now realize that this comes from such primordial separation wherein I accepted and allowed my energetic imprisonment as the mind, as the solidity of the individual that I’ve been wherein I probably spent lifetimes loathing my body and seeing it as a cage, because I essentially had a pretty bad relationship toward my body that I’ve walked for the past years and continue walking it.

 

This is just another perspective in terms of how whenever I wished to just die. This was also supported by the belief system of there being an apparent heaven that I would go to wherein some ‘real freedom’ could be experienced. But in fact, what I had held as a non-conscious thought of seeing this reality as a prison, was just feeling that I was not able to identify, which is what propitiated my vexed experience in this world. And what I can see is that, we probably all feel and experience ourselves in a similar way, because we are the same in fact, and that very first moment of separation explains how there is really no one to blame for this belief of ‘captivity’ because we were the ones that built the cage ourselves.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a captive of my own beliefs, thoughts, feelings and emotions wherein I used such internal conflict to apparently ‘resolve’ my ‘unresolved conflict’ within this experience of simply loathing the world, myself, reality and everyone, wanting to challenge and question any god: ‘why the fuck am I here for?’ which is part of the grudges toward this ‘god’ that lead me to stop desiring being a ‘good person’ and presenting this immaculate image, simply because reality was showing me the opposite at all times, without realizing that I was the very creator of it all, I am responsible for such primordial separation and in that, responsible for any inner-conflict experienced within myself against my own body, reality and every living being in this Earth.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever feel claustrophobic in my own body, which was actually a self-created experience from me being haunted by my own memories, my own fears, judgments and emotions that lead me to be constantly wanting to run away from everyone including myself, which is why I developed ways to not be alone or when being alone, being a complete absentee from my very physical body, because I simply neglected it and believed that I could only solace myself with entertainment and relationships where everything seemed at least ‘not that miserable,’ without realizing that through wanting to ‘clear up’ my experience, I inevitably also fed the negative inner-experience that was not actually self-forgiven, but only buried by layers of suppressing myself and building myself into an idea of self that could apparently ‘forget’ about my own mind as the experiences that lead me to ever really question who am I and what am I doing here.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever desire to just ‘die’ to be ‘free from my body,’ without realizing that the actual prison is and has been ourselves as our own mind, as the reality that is stemming from our very own mind wherein we have decidedly created a point of friction, separation and absolute disregard to each one of us being in fact one and equal, being the very cause of all our experiences wherein there is nothing and no one to blame anymore, but simply stand up, take Self Responsibility for our creation and ourselves and within that, stop any experiences from all that which we have accepted and allowed to exist as ourselves from the very moment of separating from self as one and equal.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that heaven was the ‘real freedom’ and the place wherein I could finally run free and no longer be held a ‘captive’ in this matter world, without realizing that heaven is non existent, that I fed heaven through my very own internal conflict and friction that kept me thinking in and of separation, which only fed my own separation from the actual reality that I am which is this physical body that I neglected within my mind, without ever pondering how it is that I can judge that which sustains my very beingness, how can I neglect the very processes that allow the food that I eat be digested in order for me to continue living in this world, how have I become spiteful toward my very beingness just because of allowing thoughts in my mind to run rampant as an eternal friction, conflict and opposition toward my very beingness and matter.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate the word ‘matter’ to ‘problems’ wherein I then believed that all problems that I experienced could be ‘ended’ if I ceased to exist as such matter, without realizing or even understanding that the reality that I am is actually matter, as the physical that I have neglected, diminished, abused and tortured by my very belief system of ‘being a captive’ in my own body.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever support belief systems of ‘life after death’ being ‘the real life’ and this being only a sick joke that I had to endure with lots of inner conflict and mental pain that I created and fueled by my very own participation, never ever questioning ‘what the hell am I doing to myself?’ because I saw it as a righteous way to blame any ‘creator’ for my existence.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to want to blame my progenitors for ‘bringing me to this world’ without me apparently having chosen to be here, which only points out a point of desiring/ wanting to abdicate my own responsibility that has been always diverted to an ‘authority’ and some ‘greater force,’ wherein I became part of the masses that prefer to blame than actually get to know and understand how reality operates, and how we got ourselves here.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to within this experience of and as captivity, seek to spite ‘god’ or fellow human beings for being born into this world that I see simply continued participating in within the ‘accepted ways’ of detracting, criticizing, judging, blaming everyone and anything outside of myself for my very own existence – and in that, becoming a captive of my own beliefs toward my ‘captive-state’ without realizing how I had created and generated it all for myself, from that very acceptance of separating myself from myself, ensuing the current state of reality that we’re living in, which is my creation and absolute responsibility to get myself back to as a whole again.

 

I commit myself to expose how we create our own cages of the mind while believing that all we are is this personalized fuckup that exists as thoughts, feelings, emotions that are only here to recreate and generate further inner conflict within ourselves, without realizing that it is in such separation that I have become this reality in its full splendor of human nature that spites itself back in the name of personal power and ‘freedom,’ that can only exist within this energetic-system of abuse as the current power games we play with and toward each other as personalities, fighting for survival and seeking the most ‘heavenly experience’ which is achieved with gaining/ earning/ getting the most money.

 

I commit myself to expose how any victimized state of being stemming from wanting to blame a god/ creator for our existence, is in fact abdicating our responsibility toward ourselves, this world as our creation and the very mirror of what we accept and allow to exist within our very own minds, therefore sharing and demonstrating how it is possible to stop living in such state of captivity by and through supporting ourselves to write out our cages, our frames of mind, our limitations/ fears/ judgments to walk a process of reintegrating ourselves back to that initial state of no-conflict, no opposition which is only able to be lived as self by walking this process of self through writing Self Forgiveness, developing Self Honesty and walking the practical living correction to ensure that we stop all separation in this world beginning with the separation that we have accepted and allowed in and as ourselves, as our physical body and mind.

 

I commit myself to walk my mind as my creation, my point of responsibility that requires a process of self-correction to ensure that I understand how I created myself, how I have limited and diminished myself to only being an ‘idea’ that is existing in constant and continuous conflict, to stop and walk a physical integration of such conflict into self-directive actions wherein who I am is able to be lived and expressed within the principle of what’s best for all as Life, as my actions and thoughts are from here on walked, self forgiven and directed to express the will of who I really am as one and equal, which implies no separation is allowed.

I commit myself to expose how we are the very ones that wrought this cage as our own mind, and how it is in reality that only through standing one and equal as our mind, as our physical body and taking responsibility for the consequences that are here as our reality and creation that we can finally birth life in the physical, the way that it always should have been.

 

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