Tag Archives: college

167. Fearing is Not wanting to Change

Postponement Character 

 

Fear Dimension :

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my writing being rejected by the academy for lacking art references and within this, sabotaging my own completion of the document based on a future projection and expectation based on a prejudice that I have formed toward ‘Academy’ as a restrictive institution, instead of realizing that I am the one that has the ability to create a writing that is both fulfilling toward academic standards and also at a personal level within the context of the content matching my actual and initial intention of doing this work in the first place, which is getting a degree and sharing a perspective of self-creation within the art world as my own contribution and career-experience that I have decided to share.

 

I realize that the work that I am doing does not have to be separated from any of my other writings and any other responsibility that I do follow through with – and in this realizing that any resistance that I have created toward the point is based on prejudices that I have formed toward school/ academy as instances wherein

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged by the academy/ professors for lacking commitment to ‘the art world’ with presenting my writing, due to it not being precisely linked to a plastic or visual art but instead, a self-creation process that is our ability to exist as human beings that have the power and ability to create themselves and a society/ world system that is supportive of life itself and not mind-system creation modes that only support separation and abuse of life.

 

I realize that I am actually postponing creating a final ‘note’ to this entire career that I see can be veered toward a self-creation process wherein the concept of art is expanded to a self-creative ability that is actually quite acceptable within the realm of the art world and also reminding myself here that I had already had a ‘good to go’ approval from my professor  – thus

 

When and as I see myself fearing getting my written document done based on fear of it not being ‘good enough’ for the standards that the academic world require, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am actually fully capable of taking on this task and project with all its requirements wherein I simply have to write and fulfill the task at hand that is a requisite for me to actually finish what I began as professional career – and I remind myself that I chose to walk this process and walk this career and get it done.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my writing is judged as ‘too spiritual’ or any other pejorative term that I have feared my professors creating upon my work due to them having no reference to what Desteni is – though I realize that I do not have to fear this type of bs things when I am perfectly capable of writing out and convey a message that is common sensically based and doesn’t require any ‘gap-concepts’ that cannot be understood by academics.

When and as I see myself fearing professors judging my writing based on it being too ‘humanitarian’ instead of ‘artistic,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that the same way the concept of art has been expanded throughout the years, one can implement a new dimension to it which is actually a primary one based on the concept of art as a self-creative process wherein the being standing in and as a self-honest being, his/ her expressions will be an immediate expression/ expansion of him/herself as part of one’s own expression within the principle of what is best for all and within this, turning art into a more practical living statement other than a mind-regurgitation activity that has served little to no purpose for humanity, just as anything else in this world that requires its fine-tuning to be supportive for all beings equally.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear confronting my writing with my professor because of not wanting to be rejected/ have my stuff done more than once, which I see stems from a previous memory of having had a ‘difficult time’ with a photography professor with me wanting to impose my ways and being intransigent toward his observations, which is how I went into defense mode before even listening to the suggestions and actually seeing how it could benefit the work – thus,

I realize that the fear toward criticism stemming from academics is that fear of not being ‘good enough’ to their standards, without realizing that I am only creating this ‘fear’ due to actually not wanting to go through all the stages of having my written work revised and within that, accepting observations and ‘criticism’ that I tend to take personally, leading myself to abruptly ‘opt myself out’ of it/ giving up because of having wanted my writing to be ‘immediately accepted/ unquestioned’ which is actually an ego point wherein I want and desire to have things working ‘my way’ at all times.

 

When and as I see myself fearing criticism toward my writing I stop and I breathe – I realize that all comments are able to be taken within common sense and in absolute humbleness as the acceptance of one’s mistakes, wherein I commit myself to take into consideration other people’s words on ‘my work’ and within this allow myself to be supple and flexible toward comments that can actually enrich the document beyond my ‘own view/ perspective’ and assist myself within that go break my own boundaries of wanting to always only do things ‘my way.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that this process will be longer than expected and within this, foolishly enough, postponing it further, pushing it toward ‘more time’ which is absolutely absurd and I see how it is only when thinking about doing it and going into this fear that I somehow simply wished that I could ‘get away from doing this’ at some point, which is actually not acceptable since I have been aware I must do this no matter what.

 

When and as I see myself pushing the point for ‘some other time’ and postponing it is in fact me creating further consequence in full awareness, which is a deliberate and unacceptable action within the consideration of realizing that this is also my responsibility and priority in my world/ reality at the moment – and that I can instead manage my time to dedicate myself to my daily activities and specify a time wherein I ensure I get this done, instead of wanting to just ‘take one whole day off’ to write it out – which is one option, however not the best one as it is done under the pressure of wanting to get it all done at once, which usually leads to a point of rush that is not necessary within this –

 

I commit myself to walk this written process point by point, day by day as that is a reasonable point to do instead of ‘waiting’ for one miraculous moment when I ‘feel like doing it,’ which won’t happen as this is a point that I have to actually self-direct in all ways.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become very ‘lax’ about this point of responsibility in my world due to seeing it as worthless yet at the same time, not wanting to admit that there’s an actual fear of me not getting this paper and then having an entire career being absolutely useless and as if it had never happened, which is something that I realize within the context of being in and of this world system wherein we still value each other’s abilities according to institutional paper work and titles that prove one’s credentials in certain professional fields.

 

When and as I see myself believing that it is worthless to get this piece of paper, I stop and I breathe – I realize this is a key point that I actually have placed aside due to the actual physical resistance to get things done within bureaucratic terms that I have create a resistance to – thus it is to realize that no matter what, I am the one that decides how I walk this process and that I have to get it done and postponing it is only making it ‘worse’ as a thought in my head instead of an actual doing that is physically tangibly ‘done’ – to round things up – and not thought or feared about.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to repeat the whole thing more than once and within this,  realizing that this is the main obstacle I have created within me as a fear/ thoughts in my head and it appears  in the immediate moment when I see myself wanting to ‘write it out,’ as I have allowed myself to just put it off instead of actually using the time to do –maybe – several versions and ways and find one that is the most suitable of all.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use Fear as an excuse to actually not do it/ not move myself and within this building like a China wall in front of me without realizing that it is not real in the sense that it is an actual impediment for me to do so, and that the wall exists as all the thoughts in my head toward this particular task and responsibility to do, wherein I am the one that can actually decide whether I simply do it and walk through all the necessary stages or not, while realizing that there is no ‘not’ option here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make this all a lot worse in my mind as a task to be done than what it actually is, when thinking about it and fearing doing it for all the reasons above, without realizing that all the time spent thinking and fearing it, I could have actually given proper direction to it right away and simply get it done.

 

When and as I see myself making of this point of responsibility a task that is ‘above me’ and that is ‘too much to do’ within this seeing it as a great immovable obstacle in my head, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am able to decide in one single moment to move myself to open up the document and being writing it out and arranging everything that I have done so far to give it proper coherence, within the realization that I can simplify it instead of wanting to ‘cover all points’ in one go, which is rather extensive to do when it’s not even required at this stage – thus

I realize that I can also support myself to not make of this single task like a ‘will’ that I leave as a final statement that I am surely making a lot more in my mind as if I had to absolutely ‘download’ myself in one document, which I realize it is not a requirement or necessary – thus I stop myself from wanting to make this my ‘master piece of words’ which is rather pretentious and actually becoming another obstacle within me to fulfill my own expectations toward it, which is rather foolish, considering that  I am the one that sets my own value schemes of ‘importance’ within this – thus

I commit myself to equalize myself as my writing in all aspects wherein no matter ‘what’ I’m writing, I focus on the practicality and simplicity that is able to be actually understood and lived by another, instead of making it a lot ‘more’ than what it is as a single academic requirement to keep going in life and actually get to live my words written there.

 

I commit myself to when and as I see the fear of me wanting to postpone and put off the actual moment dedicated to writing the document out, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am the only one that is able to push and direct myself to do this not and within this

I realize that putting it off is obviously accumulating consequence and more seemingly unnoticeable ‘stress’ that affects the rest of my activities throughout the day.

I commit myself to be congruent within all dimensions and aspects of my day to day living wherein I do not leave this one aspect/ task as a loop-hole that I am not sorting out, because I realize that If I don’t move in an equal manner within directing and correcting myself within all aspects of my world and reality, that one point that I leave behind is causing stress and worry and fears that keep me bound to a single point of procrastination as a point. Thus I get myself back to one single piece that walks all points day by day and not leaving ‘one piece behind’ any longer.

 

This will continue …

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64. Talents

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my ‘talents’ as my greatest asset wherein all the value and worth that I gave to myself was linked to the ability to think and do things as a way to measure myself toward other beings.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the word ‘talent’ as a positive word, as something that adds up specialness to a being, wherein it I just acting/ living that which is of ease for me to act, direct, do without an effort – hence I can direct any talent as an action that I can express myself as with ease toward a best for all outcome, and not just for personal glorification or ‘value’ above other life forms.

 

I realize that the word talent in itself means ‘weight’ and ‘sum of money’ which are added values that make ourselves ‘more’ than others – apparently – yet they are in essence points of expression that if equalized as life, each one can develop to the benefit of the whole and stop using talents as a way to compete against each other and ‘win’ as a form of superiority/ inferiority separation toward others, and instead use such talents as the ‘natural skills’ in the best interest of all.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to link self-worth to ‘talents’ and ‘skills’ wherein all that I became was this set of attributes that I could use as a reference point to compare myself toward other beings and decide whether I stood ‘above’ or ‘below,’ which is how my entire stance was created as a sense of confidence stemming from this ‘value-assessment’ toward other beings, wherein words from beings toward everything I did/ say were stored as confirmations of ‘who I was’ and ‘how I was doing’ in my life, which were conveniently used to grow my ego and my perceived talents in order to confirm to  myself: ‘that’s the way to go, because everyone agrees with it!’ without ever doing an actual introspection in my life with regards to how things in the world worked wherein all value is actually fake and in separation of ourselves, moving in a system of money that is existent as debt- hence

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use the ‘vox populi’ as all the opinions and perspectives people had ‘upon me’ as a way to decide where I would be the most effective in my world, and assessing my future accordingly, without realizing that we as all individuals have been very lost in our world of values, directions and placing ourselves in unfortunate positions by our own ‘will’ which were choices based On the limitation that we created within ourselves as the inherent structure we are born with/ as, as the entire configuration of a world wherein life has never been valued but only ‘what you do’ to maintain the system of absolute abuse and disregard toward life in place.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever become so worried about ‘who and what I will become’ in my life when having to decide about the future as careers and life-choices without realizing that none of those ‘choices’ were in fact self-supportive as nothing of what currently exists in this world is directed to the benefit of all life in Equality as long as money dictates ‘who we are’ in our world. This means that as long as value is separate from ourselves as life, anything we do will be linked to perpetuating the same system of fake values in separation of ourselves as Equals – as I realize that only through first walking the process to Equalize myself can I remove the conditions I had imposed onto myself to start considering that we all have to become equal participants in taking responsibility of this world wherein through changing the way the system operates, we will be able to provide actual options of LIFE and self-development with activities and professions that are linked to be part of the creative processes to the best way of living as Equals, which is not at all considered in any profession or specialized field/area currently in our world.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself some ‘choices’ in life wherein I literally stood within the point of ‘the world is fucked, there is nothing else to do it, where can I be the least influenced ‘by the system’ while being in it?’ – hence using art and the art-profession as a way to ‘escape’ from reality yet still foreseeing to make ‘good money’ out of it, which was all placed as dreams and ideals that were essentially fallacies that I bought and created for myself in order to avoid taking actual Self-Responsibility for myself and this world in its entirety.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use even dead as an excuse to not take responsibility for this world wherein I used o think ‘well, we’re going to die anyways so, what’s the worst thing I could choose to be/ become?’ – and using death thus as an excuse to continue seeing this world as having no remedy, being ‘hopeless’ about the entire panorama in in that, mostly abiding to the ideal ‘end times’ so that I didn’t have to even worry about developing myself properly with a certain profession/ position in the world, but only caring about my personal ‘spiritual’ salvation, which I really used to wreck my own life based on beliefs and hypothetical imminent events wherein it would all end, and still is a point that I walk through in order to not feel like all of this is not sustainable and will have to be obliterated in order to have life restored back to itself, which is not acceptable as in the meantime while I just think, there is actual suffering in the world created by my own aloofness toward reality.

 

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to misunderstand the point of ‘giving up’ my ego and personality as in giving up/ stopping participating in such ‘talents’ that even if they were preprogrammed, in no way does it mean that I have to now not participate in them at all, this is about WHO I am within everything that I do which means that I simply have to stop identifying myself as only being such talents and instead, allow myself to express myself through/ as such ‘talents’ without holding a relationship of value/worth toward them as a point of specialness

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold backchat toward beings in my past wherein I would think ‘they clearly have no sex, thus their mind and intelligence is all they have to brag about to feel better about themselves’ and in this, seeing that either being an intellectual devotee or a lover or a religious follower, they would all compensate one ‘realm’ of their reality not being ‘fulfilled’ with the exacerbation of one of their talents, without realizing that I was obviously doing the same wherein all I ever sought to be was an intellectual that would gather all this information, creating a relationship to this information and with this, cover up my inability to establish relationships that were supportive and any other self-agreement of self-support to first value myself as the life that I am here to be and become.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to compensate my perceived lack of personal-charm to establish proper relationships and use knowledge and information as the entire ‘intellectual personality’ to cover up for my other perceived ‘lacks’ or ‘flaws’ within my personal life, wherein I had accepted myself to become a hopeless romantic/ intellectual that could only philosophize about life and create more conundrums through art as if Life was this eternal mystery unsolved to me.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to justify any ‘detachment’ from people – a.k.a. isolation, ostracizing – as part of the personalities I created as a ‘thinker’ or ‘artist’ or ‘creative’ believing/ talking myself into the perceived ‘misunderstanding’ that I thought people in my world would see me as, which only fueled this perceived idea of me being ‘special’ and with this ‘something’ that I Hoped to develop in the future, believing that I would be something ‘great’ and ‘marvelous’ lol yet I never directed myself to place such ‘talents’ up front ‘on the table’ so to speak to see how I could direct myself with such ‘talents’ within the world, but I instead hoped and wished that something / someone would knock on my door and offer me this great position wherein I could satisfy my expectations, just because of believing myself to be this special being that could do well in ‘anything I wanted,’ which was fueled by what parents/ teachers/ people in my world would also talk about, which is to the utmost detriment of the being in question as it is only an air-based/ words-not-lived based expectation of another, built up with values and ideas of the same system that in no way considers what’s best for all life, but only what makes the most money/ what pumps the ego the most/ what creates further specialness as a point of separation from the whole, which is not acceptable at all.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to place my entire life depending on these ‘talents’ as knowledge and information consumed as ‘value’ in itself, wherein the more I would nurture myself within this intellectualized personality = the more I would ‘worth’ myself within the social-standards, creating this superiority position toward others, often engaging in intellectual debates just for the sake of ‘voicing myself’ and ‘making myself heard’ with No practical solutions or conclusions, but only adding up the cherry on top of the verbal diarrheic intellectual chats and endless coffee shop hours on philosophizing about life, politics, economics and judging others within such positions that I used to participate in.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever take the position of the ‘hopeless dreamer’ as ‘the artist’ that was ‘misunderstood’ and that had no relationship to anything else but brushes and paints and fellow ‘dead artists’ that I would read about in order to feel ‘understood,’ without realizing that I had not even established a proper self-relationship toward myself to see ‘who I am’ in relation to these talents first, if they were really talents or just personal fascinations that became a ‘way out’ of facing myself?

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately ‘choose’ an inclination of ‘who I wanted to become’ in life in a position wherein my looks would not matter that much, wherein I would not have to ‘deal’ with many people, and where I could just hide in some remote space for a long time and ‘disconnect myself from the world’ – which were the usual beatnik type of dreams of seclusion wherein I could just write and create artworks and music and only come out to ‘show it to the world’ after some time, which is one of the ‘dreams’ that I had wherein my then Zen enthusiasm and artistic endeavors filled my being with ‘hope’ and mostly illusion that I could in any way, change the world through my creations.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold dreams of detaching from reality, from everything and everyone not realizing that it is the same as desiring to be Dead as Nothing in this world exists in such ‘detachment’ of each other, otherwise my own body would not be able to function and continue existing, which is applied to the rest of this world existent in interdependent relationships toward one another.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have given up being able to do anything about this world back in the day wherein the ‘choice’ of what and who I wanted to be and do with my life, which was not an actual choice of me seeing myself as capable and able to support myself and stand as an example of change in my world, but only choose that which was ‘the least worst thing to do’ according to the values I placed in the world in separation of myself as a whole, stemming from feeling frustrated and ‘hopeless’ about reality and thinking ‘there is nothing I can do’ which is one of the primary reasons why I chose to become a ‘professional’ in ‘arts’ – according to the ideas and stereotypes of artists I knew at that moment – as a way to further develop this desire to detach from reality and lead ‘humanity to the spiritual world’ – lol I wrote ‘spitual’ –

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to then judge my creations as mindfucked infatuations, without realizing that they were just part of that time in my life and that I can continue creating without me defining myself according to what I create or created in the past, as I can give myself this moment here to express myself as what I exist as in any given moment, without having to create a special point of definition of ‘who I am’ toward that.

 

I realize that I have now stopped most of ‘creative processes’ because of having judged them as a point that I used to escape from my reality, yet I can use them again and turn them/ direct them as self-supportive creations that I can use as another way to present myself as my process, which means that it’s not only ‘myself’ that I’m working on, but I can do other works and creations that stem from such self-understanding that I am walking at the moment in this process.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play out my ‘extremist’ personality wherein I tend to just ‘give up’ something and not look at it again based on having realized the initial/ starting point reason for me to create, and completely ‘detach’ myself from it which is separation – hence it is not to deny my abilities and capabilities of doing something or talking about certain topics, it is about Who I Am in every moment that I participate in creating, communicating with others and within this, establishing myself as equal in all aspects of my reality, not dividing them as ‘the old me’ and the ‘new me’ as that is separation as well – it is about in every moment seeing how I can direct any point in Self-Honesty and considering what’s best for all, which is definitely able to be done and walked as an integral part of self.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people according to how they would speak about their talents and specialness and within this, take such judgment back to self wherein I make sure I stop existing in any form of separation toward anything I do, say, write, share as creation so that I am no longer participating in a system of specialness – but instead become part of the creation of a system wherein all human beings can equally contribute with their talents as a point that is of ease for each to express-themselves as, aiming to contribute to the best interest of all in Equality.

 

I commit myself to asses what I am ‘good at’ as ‘talents’ that I can direct myself to establish myself as an example of how such talents can be used in a beneficial way that entails the betterment of all in Equality.

 

I commit myself to stop any perceived form of ‘being better than others’ in anything I do, but instead, simply use what I can do, what I enjoy expressing myself-as in consideration of that which can support another being to see themselves in and through my words, my creations, my expression in any way which is in the end what we do in this process: reflecting back to each other points that we probably have not considered of ourselves before.

 

I commit myself to re-integrate myself to my perceived detachment and separation from anything I had deemed as ‘talent’s wherein I simply stopped altogether creating separation instead of integrating them as who I am in a way that I ensure that my actions are directed to create a best for all outcome, which is then a way to share/ show to others how each one of us can contribute with their own talents to make of this world a better place, in actual physical reality and not in a dream-like manner.

 

I commit myself to equalize all values as Life as that is the only real value that exists wherein all talents, all activities, all forms of expression are then aligned to creating/ recreating and propagating this new ‘meaning’ of living and expression linked to Life itself for the first time, in a system that would value everything else in separation of itself as Life itself, which is already a revolutionary aspect that has not been considered – mostly taken for granted – before.

 

I commit myself to stop all separation within me as ‘who I am’ and ‘what I do’ is one and equal and must not be assessed and appraised according to the fake-values currently existing in our word, but I make sure that I establish equality as myself as this is the only way that I can ensure I become an effective participant in the Equal Money System where the only value is life, where everything we do is equally ‘remunerated’ as that ability to give and receive in equality.

 

I commit myself to walk my own process of equalizing myself as my talents, and later on be able to share with others how to do the same with themselves, as this is a very cool and key factor that we all as individuals can take on and truly create a new world wherein everyone enjoys what they’re doing/ expressing themselves as, while supporting to create a world that is best for all.

 

For more support on deciding what to do with your life, share at the Desteni Forum  and read all the Journey to Life blogs wherein we are all committed to become examples of what Living Life is in a world where Money will no longer dictate ‘who we are’  – but equalizing All as Life as the only way to start creating a New World beginning with ourselves

 

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