Tag Archives: communicating with others

590. From Defensiveness to Openness

Or deciding to challenge my own past decisions to ‘get away from’ certain relationships and instead decide to develop a common ground with them this time around.

In looking back at this month that ends today, there’s been a lot of ‘movements’ going on which I’ve decided to do and ‘take on’ in terms of self-investigation and so also creating openings with people that I had not talked to in a long time and in a way ‘opening the door’ that I had comfortably shut in my past for reactive reasons of course, which I’ve now come to reassess because a lot has been changing or ‘opening up’ within and there’s like this expansion going on that I’ve taken on as well as a drive to re-connect with people, meet new people, etc.

Through doing the self-preparation to get this done, I noticed this ‘defensive’ stance within me which belongs to the ‘religion of self’ where I was the one creating this armor or invisible fortress around me that would contain ‘me’ inside of it with all of these reasons, excuses, justifications of why I would not ‘get along with’ certain people anymore, or why I just didn’t have to talk to them again. In a way I was quite blinded by my own ego and ideas of ‘who I am’ which prevented me from precisely even thinking of challenging such perceptions and re-approaching people that were once quite close to me in my life.

I’ve also realized that yes, at the time it is what I decided to do and it was part of my own self-rediscovery process, finding ‘who I am’ beyond all the relationships I had formed and this ‘who I am’ to those people as well. But it’s also very normal to say that once that ‘self-processing’ phase is over, what opens up next – at least for me and how I’m deciding to live it – is to reconnect, to re-establish communication and that’s something I’ve been doing here and there throughout this whole month, not only with people that I stopped talking to before or with family members, but also in terms of opening more of myself to myself and so being able to comfortably share it with others, and also with new people that I’ve come to develop a cool communication with.

Though I had this particular experience where I did notice I had to physically ‘walk through’ this fortress that I created around me as my ‘righteous ego’ as I was meeting with an ‘old friend’ the other day and as he was explaining how he views himself, the world, his role in it and going into expressing himself the way I used to in terms of ‘giving up on any change in the world’ and being generally ‘pessimistic’ in his own view about things, I noticed there was this emergence of a stiffness within my body, and I became aware of it ‘building up’ as this tension which would many other times lead me to speak faster, louder and in essence end up in conflicts with people.

In that moment I realized this was my ‘fortressed ego’ emerging, rising, believing that he was speaking in those terms because of ‘wanting to show me he doesn’t agree with my current stance about the world’ or where I instantly went into ‘defiance’ mode of ‘what I stand for’ but that’s the point, I realized how in wanting to create a ‘battle’ against anyone that doesn’t ‘agree with me’ I am – of course – becoming part of the problem and recreating the same mechanisms that have led us to be ‘divided and conquered’ as human beings.

So what I did in that moment is keep quiet while being aware of what was ‘building up within me’ and decided to keep listening, understanding where ‘he’s currently at’ in his life and ‘views’ on things, until I decided to intervene to explain how one of the reasons why I stopped hanging out with him before is because I would perceive us to be in ‘very different stances’ in ‘how we view things,’ instead of rather being able to focus on finding a common ground. Here, as I spoke those words to him, I could still notice that there was this ‘stiffness’ which is the ego-fortress of defensiveness coming through and I was able to move through that ‘stiffened stance’ to the solution which I mentioned in that moment: let’s focus on creating a common ground.

I kept then listening to what he had to say not so much about the ways he defines himself at a ‘theoretical level’ but more so in ‘who he is’ on his day to day living in the job he has, and it turns out that he’s definitely not at all what he has defined himself to be. Who he is in his day to day living is in fact commitment to do his work the best way he can, to support himself to get out of certain harmful habits, destructive relationships, becoming a responsible person that is living for the purpose of bettering his work environment with the people in it and in the business itself, using all of the expertise, skills and studies he has to precisely do just that, which has led him to a leadership position at his job and in practical ways living principles of ‘do onto others as you’d like to be done onto yourself’ and stopping the chains of spite, doing the least effort, lack of commitment or discipline to do things.

To me this was very refreshing to see within him, to see how throughout these past years he’s gotten himself to a stable position after having walked through,  yes, quite a bit of consequence of precisely not doing and not being ‘all of the above’ towards himself and his relationship to the many jobs he’s had. So, that’s when I told him how he is not who he says he is in fact when it comes to ‘being pessimist’ or ‘seeing no way out in the world,’ otherwise he would not be living what he is living in his day to day, which is actually enjoying life, enjoying his role at work and being a very humorous person that yes can be ‘cynical’ and ‘satirical’ about reality and having all of this baggage of information/theories about reality, yet still remain very practical and supportive in his approach to his life as it is.

I reflected upon all of this to see how my ‘reunion’ with him went from me initially recreating this ‘fortress’ around me that had led me to want to ‘not talk to him again’ years ago, to walking through that ‘mirage’ and keeping myself open to create a common ground, to learn from the person, to understand them and how that left us realizing that yep, we do in fact have that similar approach to life even if we cannot agree in ‘concepts’ or ‘theories’ or whatever else that stands in the way of human beings as knowledge and information, as self-definitions or ‘creeds’.

I let him know that I am definitely glad about the changes and ‘upgrades’ in his life and how I appreciate the process he’s gone through to ‘get to where he’s at’ right now, and how even though he denies himself as being a ‘practivist’ to make things better and so ‘change the world,’ he’s in fact doing just that with his everyday doings at work and in the relationships he’s deciding to have now.

Here then I look at what would have happened if I had simply ‘reacted’ to ‘knowledge and information’ and decided to repeat myself in my ‘defensive stance’ towards him? We would not have gotten to realize that we are in fact able to talk, get along, enjoy our communication and have things in common if we both leave our ‘self-definitions’/personality cages behind and instead focus on the very practical, simplistic ways in which we share our doings, what we’ve learned about ourselves, what we’ve gone through and what we are currently doing in our lives, which is what we plan on doing from now on.

This also led me to realize – and I also shared this with him – how we get entirely ‘lost in translation’ when it comes to how each person approaches one word, where some people react to words like ‘equality’ or ‘forgiveness’ or ‘community’ or ‘oneness’ or ‘potential’ or ‘self support’ or ‘entrepreneurial’ and judging it as ‘positive hogwash’ which I sure did at some point in my past as well, only to get to a point of understanding what these words mean in reality.  I actually shared with him how I see that he is in fact living those principles even if he is not aware of it, or if he is defining them ‘differently’ in his own mind – but how in the end what matters is ‘who we are’ in our day to day and the actions that we do which speak louder than words as ‘definitions’ or ‘ideas of self’ which yep, we definitely have to either equalize to our doings, to ‘who we really are’ instead of keeping ourselves caged in these limitations that usually become labels that more often than not lead us to have conflicts and disagreements with others, just because of how we define ourselves as information, instead of focusing on the actuality of what we do, the nature of what we in fact ARE and DO, which is what matters in reality.

I’ll definitely continue nurturing this point of communication with different people because I thoroughly enjoy getting to know, understand another and even more so when I have a certain ‘history’ with them and so challenging myself in being able to ‘reconnect’ with others beyond this personality they knew of me – and at the same time for sure get to learn from them and what they’ve gone through throughout all of these years as well. I definitely enjoy those moments when I get to have something be ‘triggered’ within me and decide to ‘disarm’ myself within it all, it’s like being able to burst my bubbles in a moment and move into a decision to be open, to embrace, to be vulnerable, to be understanding – and that’s a very refreshing and liberating thing to do.

Thanks for reading.

 

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468. The Insta-Accounting Relationship System

Or how to express when the factors may vary, but one can remain constant.

One thing I’ve noticed with more clarity lately is how my approach to meeting people has changed from a constricting, nerve-wracking way to a comfortable and freeing way. I shared a bit on that in the 466.Comfort in Communication blog – but one specific aspect I’d like to share about here is how it was before and how it is currently when it comes to my experience when meeting people.

  • Before getting to work on myself in this Desteni I Process   of walking from consciousness to self-awareness and self-responsibility, whenever I would know that I would be meeting someone, being present in a certain situation or even in that instant when you see someone that you recognize and you know that there’s going to be an approach and interaction, what I would do is immediately bring up that relationship’s history and do some insta-accounting.

What does insta-accounting mean? Sounds funny but it works this way: I would have to remember ‘where am I standing’ with this person/people as in checking

·         whether I am in ‘good terms’ or ‘not so great terms’ with them

 

·         whether they had done something ‘to me’ that I had to now be serious or edgy about toward them

 

·         whether they had caught me in an embarrassing situation before, therefore I now had to appear ashamed or redeem myself with them for that past situation in some way, or deliberately make as if ‘nothing happened here’ – which would be a very tense situation

 

·         whether I had to compensate to them by being overtly nice for something they did for me

 

·          whether I had actually ignored them in some way before, therefore now having to place extra-attention to them so as to ‘not make them feel bad’/feel ignored

 

·         whether I existed in a fear of loss toward them and so having to turn myself into ‘their favorite me’ as the ‘personality’ they liked of me the most so that they would not leave me/exchange my presence with that of someone else

 

·         whether that person knew me as the ‘cool, detached me’ or whether that person knew the more expressive, childish and comfortable me and so know ‘how to keep my act together’

 

·         whether I was supposed to use a more intellectual stance with that person or whether I was the chilled/never-mind about the world type of person with them

 

·         whether there was an attraction – or repulsion – that I had to follow through with to either create more of an attachment toward another – or the opposite, make sure they just don’t like me and ‘leave me alone’ lol

 

·         whether there is something that I had taken personally from them and so having to present myself as more detached as a means to ‘let them know they had hurt me’ or ‘I am not entirely ‘ok’ towards them’

 

·         Whether I had made excuses with them to not attend something they invited me to, and so remember to appear in a ‘recovering’ mode or ‘still weak’ about the situation…. And the list of lies and self-dishonesties probably could go on and on! Seriously, is this the way to live? No, it’s not.

And here I am talking about regular relationships. Here clarifying how it makes sense if for some reason we have to present ourselves in a particular way/stance due to job situations or particular positions in our society where things are more formal by nature, where we are required to play a particular role etc. – but even there one then becomes simply aware of having to keep a certain stance and play a particular role – but it is not coming up as a self-suppression and self-manipulation in the ways I’ve described above, where one has to keep track of all the lies and deceit – it simply becomes an understanding of having to stand as/play a particular role in a moment and doing so in self-direction.

So that was me ‘then’ and it became even hard to ‘manage me’ at times so to speak – it reminds me a bit to the character in Mrs. Doubtfire with Robin Williams where he plays the nanny and also is the father or the real ‘himself’ and there comes a moment where he gets a bit drunk in a restaurant while holding two different meetings at the same time/same place and completely forgets that he’s wearing parts of the older female character like lipstick while talking to his boss and man! It becomes a mess! because he kind of loses track of ‘who he is supposed to be’ in which moments and with whom, lol!

So, this is in fact something that happens to all of us when we create different personalities with different people – yep, ‘multiple personality disorder’ is not a sickness it’s just an escalated experience that we feed in our minds based on these ‘accountings’ that we make in our internal conversations/backchats in relation to others, where we keep our ‘accounting score’ toward people based on being in those positive, neutral or bad terms with them to accordingly modify/manipulate our behavior to suit those memories that we have to ‘load’ on our hard drive in an instant moment to then ‘act’ based on this ‘history’ that we have with a particular person. This is definitely a way in which we keep ourselves trapped in our own memories, recreating the past, having to ‘equate’ this ‘who I am’ with this/that person, in this or that situation and according to this or that other result. Ah, sounds exhausting to do, isn’t it? Because it is!

What does this ‘insta-accounting’ mechanism reveal about ourselves? Because of course it is not about ‘others’ here, but entirely about who we are within ourselves. It implies that we haven’t yet settled the ‘real me’ in ourselves, we haven’t yet let go of keeping a record or score within all our relationships according to positive or negative values, according to fears and desires or points of loss and gain – which are the ones that usually lead us to create these ‘insta-recaps’ of ‘where we left off’ when we last were with this or that person and if we should then change something in us to ‘keep the story with them going’ or not – lol.

It’s just like when one sits to catch up with a series after some time or reading a book and one has to do some insta-recap to know ‘where we left off’ and I’ve seen more clearly now how I used to that every single time without awareness toward people, it’s really an instantaneous situation where bam! the person’s presence, words, image triggers this ‘me’ within myself that I have acted or presented myself as towards them and so, I put the character on and played it out with that person – which means, this was entirely driven by following a ‘story’ an ‘idea’ of myself toward them, a set of particular interests shared with them and the rest of so-called ‘compatibility’ conditions played out in fact out of fears and suppressions.

  • So how is this insta-accounting situation within me currently? Whenever I have noticed that there’s this kind of memory-programming within me of wanting to ‘bring up the person’s file’ within me – so to speak – to kind of refresh my memory as to ‘who am I supposed to be in that moment,’ I simply realize there’s nothing to ‘bring up’ because there’s nothing to hide or fear or have a secret agenda about – therefore I just breathe, I’m here, I direct myself, I trust myself in my interaction with them, I’m here to share who I am and what is required to be/do in that moment – and express. 

It becomes simplicity in expression and it’s just how things should have always been like, that’s how it ‘feels’ like because I don’t have to keep ‘administrating’ all of these personas/characters toward this or that person, I just am me with anyone, no matter ‘who’ and this has simplified my life as well because then I don’t go keeping special interests, don’t go pretending, don’t go fearing, I don’t try and ´play nice’ or any of that, I just make it a point to express based on the moment, the situation, based on what’s needed with whoever is or ‘suddenly arrives’ into the moment – the factors and conditions may vary, but I remain constant.

Therefore I can see myself sometimes when preparing to go somewhere or when I know I’m about to meet someone, this ‘personal recap’ or ‘insta-accounting’ system wants to come up, but I see there’s actually nothing to ‘recap’ about because whatever ‘I was’ with that someone was the me that I am with myself and so with others – and whatever I had to sort out as any friction, reaction, judgment within myself then I would simply face it again to be corrected in the moment – no need to hold a ‘fear’ about it or a ‘grudge’ about it, it’s just a moment to moment presence and directive experience with others, working with correcting/aligning what comes up in me – when and if it does happen that there’s some personal-accounting to do, lol.

And another interesting one is for example when meeting someone from the past that one hasn’t seen in a long, long time and one might have had some resistances to talk to them before due to this/that situation… what has happened for the most part is that I simply don’t remember in that moment that I had to hold a particular ‘stance’ toward them for whatever reason, so I just am myself, I mean it’s like living forgiveness in the moment, toward myself and my actions and attitudes of the past and toward them if in any case it had been something that ‘they had done onto me’ or whatever – and this simplifies also a lot the way that I see relationships, where I’ve realized that I don’t need to have an entire ‘history’ with someone to create a familiarity with them either, as I had shared before. And at the same time I don’t have to ‘keep an accounting’ of how good/bad/kind/unkind or generous or not someone has been to me, it’s like every moment is new and if there’s this ‘accounting’ system that wants to kick in, I just don’t participate in it, I keep myself to the present.

It has actually been interesting how for some reason some people have for example felt ‘ashamed’ for doing/not doing something they were supposed to do/give me and I can notice it like ‘huh there’s something off in them, how so?’ and only later on them explaining how ashamed they were because of this or that situation and I’m like “ah! I didn’t even remember about it! Don’t worry” and that’s a true fact, it is like living in the moment, innocence, not holding ‘the past’ as this accounting to settle or keep scores, debts, gains or potential losses lol.

The challenging situation for currently me to develop this same stance is precisely in my personal relationship where I have still seen myself wanting to ‘demon-strate’ some ‘unsettling’ experience and then seeing that I am again ‘pulling out a face’ in an attempt to communicate something that I can instead actually share with words, instead of expecting the other person to ‘read me’ or something like that, which usually fails and it’s been marvelously shared in a recent set of very supportive audios from Eqafe.com Polarity of Resistance and being Unsettled – Atlanteans – Part 455 very recommendable and this is then where speaking words, clarifying one’s experience and getting to a solution is the way to walk it through, not to ‘hold on’ to a previous moment to determine the present accordingly if things have been talked out/sorted out.

And this I have been able to do better actually, deciding to ‘stop the grudge’ and stop the past existing within me and so going back to being unconditional in that new moment once that we have both settled the points. I was sooo used to ‘holding to a grudge’ before and embodying it entirely within me. But it’s definitely cool to live forgiveness that way toward another and make sure that one does not ‘go to bed’ as in leaving the past day unsettled, unspoken or with any experience, but lay it all out for self – and with the other if it applies – as it happens, not to procrastinate or leave it for later as it only rots and festers even when we know we will have to open it up no matter what– so, why wait?

Ok, so that became then a recap of how I used to approach people/situations in the past and currently after been walking this Desteni process of self-support to develop self awareness and self-responsibility, as well as laying out my current point to fine tune and keep challenging myself with, which I’ll certainly keep doing. 

But overall, I can only suggest to recognize how truly amazing it is to be that ‘free’ of these conditionings that we impose onto ourselves based on people, places, histories with each person, personalities and characters based on interest, fears, ideas, judgments blagh! The list may go always on – that’s not living, that’s ‘playing a character’ and that stops HERE as we step into being the directive principle in our minds, in our beingness, in our bodies and we decide to express in common sense, in self-honesty, in consideration of others, of what’s best for all and that’s the key to be able to face ‘whatever comes’ and pops up in our reality. I enjoy being able to just present myself, be myself, develop my expression, work on it when in the presence of others, get to enjoy me and continue working at the same time with the usual stuff like stopping judgments, stopping taking things personal, asking for more information when I’m uncertain of what is being said, not be afraid to ask, not be afraid to ‘compromise the other person’ because they can always then decide to express or not, to do something or not, but I make it a point to say, direct, express based on having assessed my intent, my direction in self-honesty and the principle of what’s best for all.

It might seem like this then becomes ‘a lot’ to do instead! But I assure you, it’s not, it takes more effort to be writing it all out here in this list form than actually considering all of these points in a moment when the opportunity is here. It’s been very liberating to me and at the same time, I’ve gotten feedback from people of how they like how I am just ‘myself’ and I have my own ways and expressions and they learn to embrace me in a way, even if it might seem ‘unconventional’ at times in some ways, and I think that it also has to do with my physical presentation which I’ll open up in some blog soon when the exact day comes to do so.

For now, I can only suggest to anyone to walk this process with Desteni because one can actually live life in such a different way, a nurturing way, a freeing way that we thought was impossible to do in ‘our society today’ but it’s not, challenge yourself, test these points out, see what opens up and enjoy it, it’s possible : )

Thanks for reading

 

 Mrs. Doubtfire

 

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