Tag Archives: communication in relationships

642. Pessimism and Embracing The Blank Page

 

As I briefly mentioned in my previous blog, pessimism has been one of the very ‘ingrained’ patterns in me that I’ve become more aware of lately since finding out I was pregnant. I have to say that I didn’t see myself as a ‘pessimist’ per se, but I was able to identify this way of being in me based on the feedback that I got from my partner as a way to describe my focus on ‘the worst’ of the early pregnancy experience and the fears and limitations that I would bring up in terms of how things ‘would be’ for the future and so forth.

This all seemed ‘normal’ to me and that’s where this point begins, because! I’ve seen firsthand how the same event can be approached from a very different perspective, one that sees the inconvenience of certain symptoms as part of creating something that will be a life-change in our lives. One that can see the ‘adding’ of responsibility as a catalyst for change and personal growth, one that can bring fun times even with the stuff I could define as ‘a hassle’ or ‘troublesome’ – yep, this rather constructive perspective is how my partner approached the whole thing and I’ve been certainly learning more from him and learning to see living potential in it all, instead of only focusing on all that I could define as ‘the bad’ which, again, is not the best of me that I want to cultivate, it is the worst of me that interestingly enough has resurfaced again, because! Yes, this is a ‘life changer’ situation and one that I ‘feared’ a lot apparently, so I faced the consequence of cultivating all of those fears for many, many years. But I’m also learning to let go of them as I go facing this pessimism in different ways and in some of the most ‘sneaky’ forms.

This ‘pessimist’ core programming certainly started in childhood and yes, due to other circumstances unrelated to my pregnancy, we’ve been opening this up with my parents considering that these same fearful patterns have been spilling out into the children of the family and causing some consequences. So, confronting the situation is serving as a preparation ground for both of us to get to understand how I got to be quite limited by all kinds of fears that were imprinted from a very young age by my parents and within that, us all getting to see how that is affecting the newest members of the family, consequently to understand how these patterns came to exist in us and how they are still having ‘a hold’ on us.

Here I perhaps point out something that is by now a ‘well learned lesson’ when it comes to parents and getting to understand and forgive the ways in which they brought us up, because they most likely also didn’t know ‘any better’ and they did what they could in what they perceived as a way to care and love their children.  In this, there are no ‘hurt feelings’ for how I was raised, I instead enjoy understanding the familial patterns to see where and how I came to be ‘who I am’ and within that understanding, take a more active role in being responsible to change those very things that I’ve seen have limited me – and are Still showing up as limiting in my experience currently when facing the point of becoming a mother, becoming parents.  

I have come to make sense of how this ‘pessimism’ is therefore rooted in all kinds of fears that led me to ‘automatically’ think of the worst case scenarios, ‘all the worst that could happen,’ and it’s been quite astounding to see to what extent I do this on an automatic and “natural” way – meaning, I wouldn’t necessarily see it as something I had to flag-point and become aware of, because I deemed it as ‘care’ or ‘creating a sense of security’ – which by cross-referencing it with my partner, are more like my own conditioning – meaning, my past being ‘brought forward’ to the present and even ‘into the future’ … and that’s exactly what we don’t have to do, but instead approaching every moment, every day as a blank page where we decide how to live and how to face situations or ‘challenges,’ and to no longer kind of predispose myself to ‘facing all the worst’ because, I’ve seen how prominent that exists as a ‘normal thinking’ in my mind, and it doesn’t have to be that way, I have to actually stop seeing it as ‘normal thinking’ when seeing that I’m actually considering ‘all the things that could go wrong.’

It all really starts at that level of accepting and allowing those seemingly ‘small thoughts’ to creep up, feed them – which means go into them, thinking about them – to spiral them out into personality patterns like ‘the fearful mother’ and! Well, I would not want to become that, but I also see that I may face these fears in reality in order to become aware of what exists within me, so that I can become aware of them and change them. How else would I become aware of them otherwise?

I really even once thought that it was a cultural thing to constantly be gasping and fearing for a child’s health and wellbeing… well, nope! It’s more like a family thing that I truly need to become aware of Within myself, instead of kind of only going criticizing it and judging it on ‘the outside’ which in all cases, indicates that there are points I am not yet understanding and so, not forgiving that exist within me as well. This means that as long as I am reacting to it, then, there is less of a possibility for me to actually acknowledge, understand and embrace it in order to see where and how that exists within me, so that I can direct myself in a more flexible, understanding and unconditional way, one that considers the moment, and the present as that blank page and stop ‘re-loading’ all of my memories and fears and past conditioning as a child in my own family.

I noticed this pattern even more so recently where I was looking at a future situation of how people in my environment and their character could ‘affect’ the child and within this looking at it already from a starting point of fear: fear of the child going through the ‘imprinting’ of fears and anxiety that I went through as a child based on interacting with these individuals. And I allowed that to go as far as seeing how we would have to possibly disengage from being around these people to attempt to ‘protect’ our child from that kind of ‘character flaws.’ So here again, realizing I’m still holding a judgment and a reaction, which certainly I allowed myself to be affected by, which in turn I feared could ‘happen to our child’ and then going into ‘wanting to protect the child.’

I realize that as long as I am judging, criticizing, fearing certain attitudes and types of ‘character,’ then I am not yet coming to see ‘who am I’ towards those characteristics and emotions in others so that I can work on stopping my own reactions, realizing that others’ reaction do still create an effect on me – and therefore the child inside – and that it is precisely there where I need to act and apply myself to simply stop reacting and understanding why I get to react to them, so that I can decide in self-awareness to change how I respond in those moments.

It’s very easy to deviate from the point of self-responsibility when attempting to blame others for their character flaws, their patterns, their reactions and thinking that ‘they have to change’ or ‘we just have to avoid them altogether’ instead of realizing how it is only myself that can change how I face those situations and that that will in a huge way determine and be an example of how our child can face, confront and walk through similar situations with people. So it’s not about wanting to ‘prevent’ problems –  because we create ‘the problem’ when reacting to others in the first place – but it’s about being an example of how to best face the situation with stability, understanding and focusing on solutions, not giving space to ‘react back’ to anyone, but to stick to what is practical and reasonable to do. Now this is where the real self-change is at.

This time around again it took a good conversation while walking with my partner to explain to him what I was seeing with this whole thing that I just explained above and get back to Earth about it. I saw how I wasn’t really going to get anywhere with the ‘getting away from’ or ‘avoidance’ plan, I was mostly also ‘trapping’ people in their ‘usual selves’ and assuming how they would behave and be in a hypothetical future situation, which is one of the ways in which we keep ourselves ‘trapped’ and limited in the same personalities, the same judgments of how we believe ‘we are and will be’ and don’t give each other that space and opportunity to outgrow our old selves. 

I also was approaching the situation from already assuming and determining how our child would interpret certain attitudes, voice tonalities, expressions as if he or she was going to already judge it as something bad, negative, etc. when in fact, there is no reaction that is pre-recorded there. It is mostly all learned from the environment and that’s where our role comes in. The example comes from ourselves as parents to stop reacting to others’ expressions in a positive or negative way, but instead keep an equanimity and discernment about things which will in turn demonstrate to the child that one doesn’t ‘have to’ go into fear, worry, anxiety or anything like that if someone else is demonstrating such traits in themselves. This is where the change of character happens, with ourselves as the examples – the rest is then learned from observation and imitation.

Within all of this, I also kept on  ‘scheming’ how to ‘go about’ with certain people or situations in life, where I would most likely end up trying to seclude our child from anything that I would be judging as bad, wrong, negative, destructive. Of course, here I am not talking about some kind of ‘extreme’ unsafe or detrimental environment, I am simply looking at character flaws, which yes, we all do have as well so in doing that, I was ignoring my starting point – which was fear – and not taking these judgments, expectations and future projections back to self, to see what we are now more equipped and have tools to go about facing the reality of the world and the people in it ‘as is,’ without wanting to sugar coat it for our child to ‘be safe from any bad influence’ – but, who determines what the bad, negative, wrong stuff is? I do, through reacting to it.

So, it’s a great point for me to look at and stop reacting in FEAR of ‘what it will do’ to a new being. I also discussed that with my partner and I came to see that ‘the other way around’ is the way to go, to expose the child to various kinds and types of people so that there can be a discernment formed over time about people and getting used to getting along and getting to understand – eventually – why some people are a certain way and make their own decision in how they go about with them.

All of these points have opened up as well in seeing how my family and I are used to handling kids. I may say I am working on ‘debugging’ myself from these thoughts, but in general there’s that sense of having to ‘be careful’ all the time, and having to ‘protect them from anything that could harm them,’ and trying to ‘prevent them from getting sick’ all the time and all sorts of paranoia that I notice has started to ‘kick in’ as the ‘mother/parent’ construct and I definitely can work on stopping it on its tracks at this stage.

Once that I ‘spelled out’ the point – which means talking about it – things changed – but! New points opened up like the ones I have explained here in relation to future projecting how ‘things could be’ – for the worst – and forgetting about rather focusing on ‘what’s here’ and supporting myself to be the best that I can in my day to day, rather than being up in my head fearing and scheming ‘the worst case scenarios,’ wherein I’m not seeing how THAT is actually causing fear and stress within me, which is far more directly affecting the being inside me than any other ‘person’ out there.

Now that’s more of an eye opening perspective that I need to have a clear awareness on, that’s my real responsibility Right Now. Whatever else happens and opens up in the future, as my partner said, then we will deal with it ‘then’ and look at solutions, but no need to start kind of taking the artillery out already and start seeing threats and problems everywhere where there are none for now. So I decide to trust myself in being able to face whatever may come our way with a new perspective.

Something else that assisted me to look at it from a different perspective, is to remind myself how many times whatever I may perceive as something that I could define as a limiting change or something that I fear having to do – yes, stepping out of my comfort zone – are usually opportunities to grow, to challenge, to develop ourselves further and approaching it from this perspective then takes the ‘mind away’ from merely focusing on ‘the worst’ and spending time on scheming only ‘in the mind’ what I would do in such ‘worst’ that is not HERE at all. It is a waste of time and as much as it might be just ‘ok’ to consider certain potentials, I do have to make sure I am not creating a predisposition to ‘all the worst that could be’ and feed that in my mind as if that is a sign of ‘care’ or creating some kind of ‘security’ for our child, because in the end the starting point and origin is still just: Fear.

I had also been worrying about how to go about these let’s say ‘out of the ordinary’ ways – in comparison to how things are ‘usually done’ here – which we are planning to apply with our child, which may stand in direct contrast with, for example, how other people in our family do things and how they approach their own children, etc. So in this, I also realized that there was that same fear of being judged or going through what I ‘went through’ when I started doing some radical changes in my life over a decade ago and I basically had to step-away from my family for some time, because I just could not really ‘get along’ with them.

What I didn’t consider back then is how I was reacting and judging them all the way, that’s what caused me to find it – apparently – ‘impossible’ to be around them, and this also came from a secret desire for them to do things ‘my way’ or ‘do the same process I was walking’ and in general just causing more and more conflict until yes, it was for the best that I simply stopped seeing them as often until I sorted out my own conflict projected towards them and learned how to Understand them and so be able to be around, know our ‘boundaries’ so to speak and still be willing to share and open myself up whenever asked or needed.

So upon realizing this, I have seen how this is one of those situations where I am projecting already ‘My own experience’ onto our child and this is quite the red alert as well, because this would be caused by nothing more and nothing else than my own prejudices, judgments, ‘loaded memories’ that would in turn surely would be super limiting and causing a new being to be conditioned by ‘MY’ experience around certain people. This means: the work that needs to be done is entirely WITHIN MYSELF, instead of starting to project onto others how I believe ‘things will be’ for our child based on my own past, which I now have to prove I can truly let go of – and embrace the blank page that’s growing within : )

Within this, then it was also supportive to have another one of those lengthy talks with my partner about ‘who I was’ in my family and how I came to single-myself-out from it and how I remained in judgment towards them as if that was ‘the only way to be.’ But, I realize that if I apply my own mindset towards the child, the actual consequence would be caused by myself, not by ‘others’ and that I would then be recreating the same problems and patterns I lived through for most of my life.

So, within all of this, everything of course points out to myself, to learn to be more unconditioned, to learn to see every new day as it unfolds as a blank page that we are freshly writing on and that each blank page does represent that opportunity to re-wire myself, to change the old programming of fears, worries, what ifs, pessimist attitudes and bleak future projections and instead, welcome the potential of the new phase that’s opening up. This means stopping feeding any idea of wanting to ‘save’ or ‘secure’ the child from certain things because, yep! That can lead to paranoia of not wanting the child to see the light of day so to speak, which is of course parental abuse as well. This is an exaggeration of course, but I’m playing it out this way so that I get to remind myself ‘what I’m doing’ every time that I go into my mind and start scheming things from a starting point of wanting to ‘prevent’ certain things and realizing it comes from a point of fear that I have to simply let go of.

How can this be practically done? By being able to self-forgive it out loud in the moment as it happens so that I can then lead myself back to realizing how this is not about ‘the child’ or ‘others’ but myself bringing up all of these ‘loose cannons’ as fears that I had not become aware of yet, because yes, this is certainly a new phase in my life and within that, there comes a whole new and uncharted territory that I can simply work with and face as I go with this kind of approach towards these seemingly ‘simple moments’ where I go into my mind and start fearing or future projecting some ‘worst case scenarios.’ That’s entirely possible and in my hands to do, and whenever I may ‘still’ see some of these fears as ‘very real,’ then that’s when I can talk them out, communicate them and cross-reference them with my partner and any other person that I trust their judgment on and create solutions – or simply get to understand a situation to then decide how to best act and approach it.

It may sound as if this point is quite ‘big’ within me, and it probably isn’t, lol. But I do like to in a way create awareness on it as if it was already a ‘big deal’ because it ‘could’ escalate if I don’t see it through this magnifying glass and understand what I am accepting and allowing whenever going into fears, judgments, prejudices, future projecting the worst and so on. Otherwise, I would go ‘brushing it off’ and I have seen the kind of ‘accumulation effect’ that we can create in our minds, where we then end up getting into a point or experience where things seem too big, too heavy, too difficult to change, because we allowed all those small moments of ‘feeding the patterns’ to go unnoticed – and therefore not taking responsibility for them – and that’s where I then go compromising my own standing and self-awareness.

So, all in all it has been cool to open up these points and even get to discuss them with my parents to understand ‘where’ they got those fears from, how they affected their lives with them and yes also get to understand that, to them, some may be quite difficult to change, but that’s where I also then have to see the opportunity that I currently have in my hands to ‘change the tide’ when it comes to those family patterns that have been already passed on to the younger kids in the family. It’s not like ‘they are screwed’ now, because there’s always the opportunity to take self-responsibility and later on as they grow, they also can decide to change – or not.

My point remains in reminding myself that the child to come is a blank page as well and that I have to be of utmost care to not approach that opportunity to raise another being with fears of ‘what runs in the family’ or ‘what has happened in the past’ or ‘what I went through as a child,’ because THEN I would most likely be conditioning all of that and imprinting that through my every move, voice tonality and interaction with the child.  I often criticize – judge – parents that see their children as ‘the problem,’ and still gets on my nerves to see how it seems impossible to look ‘back at themselves’ – as parents – to see that their child came into this world as a blank page – sure some genetics and so on – but most of who they turn out to be is determined by the environment – a.k.a. the parents, mostly.

I consider I am at a timely stage where I can create a big point of awareness within me of stopping projecting my own fears and what I defined as ‘bad/negative experiences’ onto a new being, and rather focusing on understanding my experience – which to me comes through nicely when communicating about it with my partner which always leads me to a resolution, a point of realizing where and how I need to be the change, while also knowing yep! Can’t create a ‘perfectly clear ground’ for another being and mostly being ok with the fact that I’ll face things as we go and that it is OK as well to make mistakes, learn through consequences, etc. Otherwise I’d go into control-freakism aaaand nope! We don’t need that either.

So that’s it, hope that this may be supportive for any of you, not only parents or parents to be, but anyone facing some of ‘the worst’ that exists in our minds in a seemingly ‘normal’ way. I would not have been able to bring myself through clarity without all the Desteni tools of self support and the invaluable self-supportive material available at Eqafe.com, specifically the Parenting series and everything else that you may find there as a way to understand our minds and so understand the ways that we can change that which we see no longer supports a new way of being and living, for the best, that is, embracing the blank page every day.

Thanks for reading!

 

Pessimism

 

Join in if you want to start walking your own process of defining your Self-Honesty

Advertisements

623. Learning to Listen: Becoming Aware vs. Acting to Change

 

Sometimes I hold myself back from writing because of perceiving that my topics are usually the same, about the same points that I seem to be constantly facing or working on. However, I also realized that this is something I write for sharing yes, but ultimately also as a point of accountability when it comes to the points that I’ve been facing.

So, there’s a main point related to listening. This is mainly in relation to how I’ve created filters in relation to how I decide to listen to someone, mostly imposing my own views, judgments – positive and negative – upon listening to someone, even more so if that someone is someone that is close to me, such as my partner.. and I am quite grateful that I’ve been able to discuss and open up all of these things to realize how much of a stubborn I’ve been in fact, and how much of the disdain, criticism and judgment I held toward my grandmother and mother about being control freaks and stubborn people relates back to me to the exact degree.  Yep! It’s a frightening realization because at least my mother and I have realized the very consequential outflows of it, but now that I see the extent in which I am following ‘the same steps’ my female predecessors have played out with themselves, their bodies and towards their partners, I have a unique opportunity to change and ‘stop the sins of the fathers’ in this case, the mothers to be exact.

I am also aware that not everyone is able to have a direct cross-reference of this with their parents. Some don’t have their parents around and live far away, some have died already, some have never gotten to know their parents. This situation has led me to also appreciate the unique set up I was born into and be in a way grateful that I have this kind of cross-reference. However this doesn’t mean that if someone doesn’t have their parents or grandparents around you don’t get to know ‘how’ they are… just a look within self and you’ll get the gist of it. Lol

Anyways, getting to the bottom of this. I was quite shocked about myself – but also not really, because hello? I am in my own body and mind – in relation to how I’ve decided to not take certain feedback seriously about things and situations where I am being too over-bearing, obtuse, imposing, dictatorial and a plain control freak. I had expressed before how I was grateful to have this kind of feedback in the moment from my partner, but the reality is that I wasn’t honoring it as a point of self-change. I was only getting to KNOW and become Aware of the thing, but I wasn’t in fact deciding to fully change it.

Why? How come that if I was getting the direct feedback in the moment I wasn’t doing something about it? Well, I recently discovered quite an awful conditioning within me as well. When my partner was giving the feedback, there was no ‘raising of voices’ or showing any emotional  outburst about it, in essence, there wasn’t a ‘big deal’ made out of it in my head. This is something I can relate to when one is a child, and one gets these warnings of things that may go wrong, or when one is doing something that  one ‘shouldn’t do’ but only getting to stop doing it IF seeing the parent go completely upset and raise their voice and be noticeably annoyed, bothered, angry and really creating this emotional show where I would then realize ‘oh shit, that’s a real problem, I need to stop.’

This is where learning to listen comes in and where I also require to integrate the fact that this feedback I was receiving in the moment wont’ come with emotional outbursts for me to ‘take it seriously.’ In fact I was doing exactly what I would be bothered by for most of my life in relation to my mother, where I would say things to her or would like to ‘have a serious talk’ but she has a tendency to be quite ‘light’ about some things, not take things that seriously, not give them the ‘weight’ I was expecting and in doing so, I believed I wasn’t being taken seriously, it would piss me off, lol. So! It shouldn’t be as surprising that I was doing the exact same thing, almost going into that ignoring or ‘not taking seriously’ what my partner was sharing in those moments, and I just simply would not make any effort to change things, well a bit I guess, but that was entirely half-assed and not really living a decision to change in the moment.

How did I become aware of it? Of course when things get to a certain ‘boiling point’ where I repeat the same pattern, once again, and then I get reminded how I’ve gotten to hear the feedback about that situation several, several times before and I just haven’t listened. Yep, that was a bit of a shameful situation for me because in that moment I realized how much I was truly not deciding to listen as in taking the feedback in, and acknowledging that ‘ok yes I need to do something about this and create a plan to Change.’ I just ‘heard’ it and let it go by, really. And this is how I came to see how little importance or ‘weight’ so to speak I gave to this kind of feedback which in fact is precisely what I require to become aware and so change a very ingrained pattern I’ve lived when it comes to in essence being ‘control’ in a dictatorial and imposing way.

After that day, what I’ve been doing is then challenging the comfort I’ve created to ‘totally be me’ as the control freak with my partner, which is in a way cool because he now knows me and understands how far it can get, which is obviously not cool. And now I had to explain how this is one of the points that surely, is a difficult one for me, that I appreciate the feedback, that I am sorry that I haven’t changed yet in spite of the feedback and that I am now committing to change it.

What has happened a few days after that serious talk is that I’ve been now catching myself more often when I would say things out of habit that are in the same ‘tune’ of being a control freak. Sometimes I’ve been saying it and I’ve stopped myself from saying ‘but why not!?’ lol when wanting something to be done in a particular way that I had already been explained why it could not go that way. This is the stubbornness that I’ve also realized comes from an aloof sense of listening, where I get the explanation about certain things and then I decide to ‘not listen’ or comfortably ‘forget’ which I mean, it’s really a pain in the ass having to be told the same things over and over again, which I am not getting to properly integrate because I am not properly listening, but only being calculating in my mind what I want to hear, what I want to filter out in order to have some sort of very twisted comfort zone to not have to change ‘my ways.’

Needless to say that I realize how difficult it can be for any person to deal with someone like me, really, and not to make me a very tough person to deal with. But when it comes to living together and having the total openness to be ME then, all the real and nitty gritty aspects of my personality are exposed and I’m grateful that I’ve had someone in my life that is willing to be patient about it, but hey, one thing is to be patient and understanding, and another one is to be having to ‘bear’ with it and create a conditioning, an acceptance of it even If we both know it’s not the best way to live.

IT’s also needless to say how this exposes me as at times focusing too much on preaching certain principles, but letting these big points just ‘slip by’ as if they didn’t matter. It is also regrettable that I require to get to a point of having to notice an emotional reaction in order to make something seriously needing my attention and committing to change these patterns within me, because I also know and am aware when I’ve gone into this very obtuse, stubborn and controlling way of behaving that in my mind seems like ‘best for all’ but in that really forgetting about the individuality of others and realizing that even if I see it is ‘best’ for me, it can’t be applied ‘like that’ to others.  And other times – most of them – realizing that each moment that I exert out my control-freakism it’s actually coming from a long-lived habit of being the one that ‘calls the shots’ as they say in a relationship, instead of creating an equal space for each other to be ourselves, to understand where we are at in relation to the points we are walking or changing and for me, yes to be also patient to not jump into conclusions, but to give space for another.

What comes up is how I’ve written a blog like this from a past relationship, what opens up is feeling like ‘I’ve learned nothing because I’ve been there before,’ but I also have to learn to forgive myself for that, for repeating myself and the same patterns as before and understanding that the same patterns may come up again and that it only means: I have to focus on changing them, instead of going into shame, regret or plain judgment about being repeating myself, because that leaves me nowhere but back into a comfort zone of thinking ‘well, that’s how I’m always going to be.’

I’m here walking this process to demonstrate to myself that I can in fact change even the most difficult or ingrained aspects within me that certainly can lead to ruin any relationship, because no one wants to be in a relationship with someone that acts like a dictator. To me, as I’ve shared many times before, it has to do with a sense of righteousness, believing I’m right and know what is the way to go. I have to humbly realize this is not so and in doing so, realize I have to get to place myself in the shoes of others in a much more ‘empty’ way, without placing myself in their shoes but still having ‘my own principles, my own mindset’ while doing so, which ends up in me thinking or perceiving that I know what they should do, what is best for them.

Yes, this is mainly the point and the reasoning behind it, which is why it has become so tricky and at times difficult to let go, because of holding on to the idea that I am right, I know the way’ but it’s best to realize I may have an idea of what could work, but it is up for each person to decide for themselves. I can only then focus on being there walking with others without wanting to impose ‘my ways’ onto them, and rather work on creating these moments within me where I can become aware of this pattern coming up in me, and so make a pause to realize ‘red flag, control freakism point here’ and take a breath to then speak back in an awareness of me having to Let Go of wanting to ‘show the way’ or ‘give instructions of what must be done’ or ‘give a judgment of what is right or wrong.’ I can always give perspectives but I must accept the fact that I can’t change others, I can’t impose myself onto others, I can’t ‘walk their solution’ for them either, nor do I have to conveniently ‘say what to do’ in a way where I’m only considering what benefits me or what I believe is best for me.

So this is where I’m at and working with currently – yep in my head it’s like ‘ah more of the same’ really, but that’s who I am and what I’ve become with this pattern, it’s like a lifetime habit that I have to now take responsibility for.

Thanks for reading.                            

 

Recommended listening:

 

Receptivity

 

Join in if you want to start walking your own process of defining your Self-Honesty 


618. Being Taken for a Ride vs. Taking the Wheel and Driving Yourself

Or learning how to slow down, calm down and get out of anxious ingrained ways of behaving.

I’ve been becoming more and more aware of the very – very – ingrained aspects in me that have become so much so ‘how I am’ and ‘my nature’ that I had overlooked, that I hadn’t directly intervened because, in a way, I had not been aware of it as much, or had not seen it as something that would ‘affect’ others, because in my mind I was just being ‘the best I can be’… but is it really? Lol

We were discussing in today’s group chat  about the addictive nature that we create towards our emotions – or feelings – and how we have to directly intervene and direct ourselves, actually take the wheel whenever we are being ‘driven’ by something and it’s not us driving, sitting at the wheel and directing where we want to go and who we want to be in every moment of our lives.

The word autopilot is a keyword for me whenever I see I am in such kind of ‘addictive’ patterns which interestingly enough do not involve actually ‘doing’ something in particular hat I am addicted to – but more like a state of being. The reality is that I had not questioned this ‘way of being’ as much before and I am quite thankful that I have someone in my life that is daring to point out all of the various – many – times when I go into this ‘antsy’mode,  yes, a rushing-mode, almost like a state of being where I constantly have to be ‘on the run’ to do something even if I don’t actually have to.

I’ve noticed how I am blind to this for some months now and it is quite shocking at times that if it wasn’t because of my partner saying ‘hey, sloooow doooown’ or ‘what’s the rush?’ or ‘caaalm doooown’ and holding me for a moment – lol – I would not be as aware of it because of being so used to doing things in ‘fast mode’ and it has been so much of ‘my way of being’ that I’ve seen it as part of my traits, a good trait in fact to be ‘always on time’, being fast, accurate, efficient, etc. Nothing wrong with those words though! But I definitely know WHO I am when I am living those words through this energy-driven mode, which actually happens when I consider I am on autopilot mode and being taken for a ride by these ingrained lifelong ‘ways of being’ which I am quite aware I copied from my parents as well.

So, during today’s chat I brought up the analogy of how we have to be more directive in taking the wheel and driving ourselves, directing ourselves to what we want to do and how we want to live those moments, instead of riding in the back of the car and ‘being taken for a ride’ without any awareness of our state of being, of how we may be going down ‘the same old road’ that we know leads nowhere but sabotage, despair, inaction or just problems without solution.

If I look at myself as a back rider, I don’t have to pay attention or decide which way to go or be fully knowing where I am going or how to get there, I’m just being ‘driven’ by something or someone else. Being in the driver’s seat requires my full attention, full awareness on every single detail from how to operate the car, the direction, the way to get there, the timing, the traffic, other cars, fuel, …. Etc. Yes, yes, eventually that also becomes ‘automated’ but the point here is to understand the difference of riding in the backseat within ourselves and in our minds where we just ‘repeat’ ourselves in addictive states of being and experiences that we no longer question – even if we know we are compromising our lives and that of others in one way or another with our actions or inactions – and how we can instead remind ourselves to be the driver, the one that directs, that is intervening directly on the way to go, that tests out new routes if the ‘same old ones’ are leading us to places and states of being that we know are detrimental to our lives. It requires such responsibility of deciding to take the wheel, it’s not limiting, it is expansive.

I was actually discussing that with my partner recently, and we were wondering about how there’s many people that prefer to do the least or stay the same because it seems ‘easier’ or ‘more comfortable’ when in fact, doing the most and pushing to do the best, and developing discipline and adding new challenges to our lives is the one thing that makes one grow the most. This is a bit out of topic but we also talked about how most relationships get into big problems right after the honey moon phase, and that’s because everyone starts the relationship or even prepares to ‘get the person’ by becoming the ‘best version of themselves’ for a moment, to impress, to attract the other person and so ‘play safe’ as they say, meaning they appear to be nice, loving, hard working, kind, responsible, adamant, etc. And once that the ‘prey has been caught’ as in establishing a relationship with each other, bam! The reality – the real-reality unfortunately – of each other comes out in full force, because it becomes quite difficult to maintain a façade of being better than ‘one actually is.’ It is unfortunate thought that this ‘how one actually is’ means the worst version of ourselves, but hey we are here to become aware of these accepted patterns in society and be able to change them.

That’s when people start to ‘show their true colors’ and embark themselves in endless fights with destructive behavior towards one another because one or the other – or both – are not really who they ‘appeared’ to be. Whereas, as he shared, he conceived a relationship as a point of responsibility that would actually, yes, be more demanding and a point of responsibility, but for the best. I like this approach as well because it definitely means one has to intervene, to change, to adapt, to upgrade, to become the driver, to actually truly use that relationship as an opportunity to become in fact a better person, and this is what I’m focusing on.

It is for me –a person that has dedicated some 10 years of her life to develop self-awareness and such – quite a shocker at times to see these very ingrained patterns of rushing, being ‘antsy’ as in wanting things fast, now, being very demanding and exigent with others or within a situation… very controlling to say the least. It’s great that there’s a person that can say ‘yes I knew you were like that, but I decided to be with you anyways’, because this has opened up the possibility for me to become aware of my patterns, to not take it personally or see it as ‘faulty’ or wrong things within me – even if I get shocked at times by it – I do remind myself why I am the way I am, I know my background at home, I am aware how I picked up all of these ‘ways of being’ from both my parents in general, I know there’s nothing or no one to blame but to take responsibility for it myself now. And what assists a lot is to be able to see a person first hand on how they deal with the same situation in such a different way, with calm, patience, in a more ‘chilled’ manner, because that’s precisely the example I didn’t have at home, but now I do in a way so, that’s for the best because one can then look at ways in which the person acts and behaves and learn from how it can be done, test out at least if it works for me to act differently in situations where I would usually be in antsy mode.

Another point is that, at first, when he would point out these things to me, there was a slight reaction of ‘How dare you say that to Me?’ lol, yes because I had this big ego idea of being the one that is working on self, that is a ‘very self-aware person’, but I had to immediately take the guard down and put on my humbleness shoes and admit myself to see what he was saying and picking up from my attitude, and reflect back to say ‘yes, it is so, that’s what I’m doing in fact’ and within that, start realizing the many aspects that I had no way of ‘cross-checking’ before because there had been no one that dared to question those ways of being before, because in my mind I was just being ‘the best’ to my ability – but I had overlooked the tension, the anxiety, the rushing, the impatience that usually accompanies that ‘dutiful’ and ‘disciplined’ manner I can have a times, so that’s not a way to live those words.

So, because I am grateful for having that in my life currently, the least I can do is to share that as well with people I consider I have the ability to give feedback to. Sometimes people might react to it, but at least I’ve said it, it is then something they can look at or throw away. My responsibility is to test out the waters and see with whom I can give that kind of feedback – who is open for it – and where to ‘keep shut’ because at times, yes,  I do tend to be too ‘intervening’ with others – to say it in one way, lol – and some people do get genuinely offended by my questions about what their experience might be in a moment. I can only learn from it, just like with everything. But for now I stick to having that opening of feedback with my partner and also at times with my mother, who actually gives that ‘in the moment’ feedback based on very subtle behaviors that can only be picked up by someone that has been ‘there’ seeing you growing for most of your life – yep, it is so, she nails it every time, so I at times still deny it but that’s when I know I am suppressing something – so, now I’m learning to admit it and be willing to open up about it.

We all can do this no matter what kind of interaction with others we have. Even if it’s only one or a few people you relate to on a daily basis, each interaction with each kind of person can assist us to see more of ourselves. Some may give direct feedback, some may not dare to say it, but we can always cross-reference our experiences with them to take note of what created a subtle ‘shock’ in us, meaning, a moment where something just didn’t ‘feel right’ or ‘sit right’ and made us react, or where we saw that others reacted, so that we can cross-reference how one acted in such moments.

But, I must say that by being alone or being with a person that is not daring to say straight feedback to me would have created more ‘untold’ reactions and consequences, a longer road for me to realize: “man, this is affecting other’s experience around me, I need to chill out, I need to slow down, I need to stop being so controlling, I need to stop being so exigent and ‘right-here-right-now’ type of demanding person that I’ve become.’ So, my suggestion – very personal – if you are the kind of person that is ready for full on – and in your face- feedback about our bits here and there that we need to change or become aware of, then align with people in your life that are on the same page and will take nothing personal about it, but instead be grateful for that kind of communication, because it is something I appreciate a lot, something I kind of longed for in a relationship so, I aligned with someone that would be in the same page of how to take feedback and work with it. 

And yes, at times a hug or a simple point of touch can assist me to ground myself in those moments – yes it may sound like I have some kind of mental problem that needs to be ‘calmed down’ with a pat on the back, lol! – But! I’ve found it is actually supportive to make it that physically visible for me, because it becomes a very visible to myself and others, like a wake up call of ‘Holy crap! I’ve been in autopilot just running the ‘rushy mode’ or the ‘antsy mode’ or ‘bossy mode’ and now I got my wake up call.

Now the point is not to create dependency or even a sort of a ‘relationship dynamic’ to always have to be calmed down or pointed out that I am rushing or I am being demanding, or that I need to chill out. Nope, the point is to be able to direct myself so that I can in fact stand up to my standards which I tend to project onto others or situations outside of myself. If I am indeed exigent, I need to be congruent and apply that to myself first. So I can apply the word in being exigent to no longer have to be told that I need to chill out and slow down, but step into the driver’s seat to direct myself, so that my interaction can also open up to seeing more of myself within the interactions that I have with my partner and others in my life.

All I can share at the moment is to be able to – or dare – to create an agreement with someone that you are close with to say the facts about what one is seeing in another. Sometimes I just say things and I completely assume and misread the situation, but it’s ok, no one takes it personally, I’m just clarified about the situation and I learn to ask things differently instead of asking within assumption. Sometimes I assume too much and don’t communicate, that is usually the worst, so I take that step to ask directly and go creating that confidence to have that open communication with someone in the bits that we notice about one another, and know that we are made aware of these things not as a judgment or a point to be spiteful about, but as things that we know we can become aware of, discuss and decide to change within ourselves.

So how am I changing it? By ensuring I am not tensing up my body when doing things, being ok with not ‘having to be doing’ something I’ve defined as ‘productive’ all the time and enjoying a simple moment of eating, walking outside, watching something in the internet that is for fun or entertainment, to enjoy seemingly ‘silly’ conversations – lol – to become creative in what I can make for food, to remind myself I don’t have to pressure myself to do things, but simply do them, without the energy-rush. To remind myself that whenever I feel like I want to go home already when being outside, it is merely a habit because there is nothing really ‘pressing’ for me to be at home for most of the times, it’s just a habit that tends to kick in as a mode of rushing to get back to some kind of ‘comfort zone.’ Also to not demand to others to act in what I believe is ‘the best way’ because some people are just not up for it and will react to it, and I have to be ‘ok’ with it no matter how it may make common sense – I tend to do this with strangers, not a good idea, so learning to read the different situations better, lol.

So this is about changing the way I live the moments, because in my case it’s about the inner experience, how I become tense within my body when doing things or when knowing I have to get to do something and putting some kind of extra pressure that is Not needed at all. I simply have to take the wheel and direct myself to do it. It is about removing this almost addictive ‘stress’ that I’ve become so used to carrying – shall I say burdening myself with – which comes through in the way I move and express which seems a bit too ‘fast’ or ‘erratic’ at times for some, lol, I do laugh at being calmed down in such moments, but I do need to become more aware of this so as to not make it a part of my personality, because I know my body is not at ease when being in that mode. It happens because I am ‘up there’ in the autopilot – whereas I know when I am here, stable, directive – there’s actually calm, a slowness, an ‘everything is alright’ within me – which is not a sense of delusion, but an actual cross reference of walking my day according to what I have to do and so de-pressuring from the ‘burdening’ sense of rush that I have tended to attach to things.

Ok, so that’s my take on this current point of awareness of where I need to take the driver’s seat and not be ‘driven’ constantly by the rush-mode or have to be driven by someone else to the point of becoming aware of it. So it’s cool to have a cross-reference outside, yes, but then to take the wheel and not become dependent on that to change. Yes, this is part of the result of applying the Desteni support and the Eqafe recordings, some of which I will also share down here so that you can start gearing up to this ongoing process in everyone’s life on Earth. Sonrisa

 

 

How Much More Your Body Language is Saying – Body Language

Self Presentation and the Truth of You – Body Language

 

And my friend Anna’s vlog, which I could relate a lot to:

WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT IN LIFE?

Slow motion

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


499. From Captivity to Creating the Space to Grow

Or how to create relationships as safe and supportive spaces to change and outgrow the past as individuals

 

I’ve been noticing how it is that we create our own entrapment as definitions toward one another wherein we don’t actively consider the ability for another person to change from ‘who they were’ and ‘who they are now’ and so, in a way through our interactions with each other one can create expectations about how another person ‘usually reacts’ or ‘usually responds’ to something and in this assumption, we are shutting the door to change, to enabling the other person to in fact ‘step out of character’ as their usual programming and apply themselves in their own self-change.

It’s quite a sabotaging situation really and I’ve faced both ends in my relationship with my partner where I’ve been in the position of condemning him already for something that I expect he’s done or not done or experiencing, expecting a ‘usual’ pattern that I had noticed in him – or worse! That I had assumed he was experiencing or reacting to, but wasn’t so at all – and at the same time, I’ve also now contributed to creating certain conditionings from him towards me based on initial reactions I would have to particular type of conversations to a point where then he doesn’t share about such things anymore, based on how I would usually go a whiney-reaction. Here I had to understand that I did it to myself and I caused it on another, while also reminding him that he can also assist me in letting go of that perception or anticipation and rather assist me in sharing the same points again so that I can test myself around those points.

So in this type of situations of course it takes one in a couple or in a group of people to stand up and take responsibility for acknowledging and witnessing these limiting play outs. This is precisely one of those aspects that are very important for us people walking this process from consciousness to awareness to take the lead in being the ones that step out of the ‘usual flow’ of such situations and can point out the assumptions, the limitations and the conditional expressions that are going on in both or all ways and explain them so that it becomes a supportive feedback to realize the limitation and so create a new agreement of how to approach these situations so that both or more can be supportive about it.

This is what I did recently with my partner after I noticed how I was being precisely in these two ends of the pattern, within the assumption or expecting of another to ‘do the same and not change’ while also having the other person assume that I would react to the same and so preventing it by not sharing it.

I opened this up not within a reaction or making out of it an accusatory point or blame or victimization- no, it was a simple moment of sharing what I was seeing had been happening all along with my partner, how I have in fact limited him based on the initial reactions I would see he would had towards certain things or ‘states of mind’ that I believed I could learn to ‘read’ in him, but! I would not ask directly to him, I mostly usually assumed them – or would get too inquisitive to the point that it would become too analyzing and over-patronizing from me towards him whenever I would perceive certain ‘attitudes’ or expressions, which I had to acknowledge was my own paranoia created toward him that in fact is limiting towards both of us, because it’s me existing as the expectation or even ‘fear’ of him not changing or doing the same over and over again as an experience or ‘state of mind’ within him, which now that I’ve been rather cross-referencing with him and asking directly without any whiney-tones or over-analyzing nature.

I’ve realized how I had been assuming a LOT about him,  just because I was still expecting a particular ‘attitude’ as a constant demonstration of him being at ease or calm etc. based on how I demonstrate such comfort in myself, forgetting that not everyone will ‘express it’ the same way.  Yet I’ve found that he obviously has his very own ways of being quite stable and in comfort within himself even if to me I assume he’s got a ‘straight face’ or could be ‘uncomfortable’ lol which is still indicating two things: one, that I am over-paranoid about ‘how he’s doing’ and at the same time I am expecting him to ‘become like me’ which won’t happen and should not happen in any way, because this is about him and his expression, his mind, his body, his process of awareness, etc.  I still can ask and find out that I am completely assuming something very different to what he is experiencing.

So what have I learned here? That I was over-assuming, I was creating a paranoia about ‘his states of being’ and at the same time, I was trapping him within my mind in the idea of him never changing, which is, to say the least very, very limited and quite unfair because I am holding my own previous judgments of previous moments, past times and impose them towards ‘who he is’ currently as if it is ‘still defining him’ because ‘that’s how he used to be.’

Well, this is the kind of not supportive approach towards another and here I commit myself to stop assuming and rather first Let Go of wanting to know all the time ‘how he’s doing’ because that’s actually me as expectation or rather as a ‘fear’ of ‘him not changing’ which should not exist in me either because I’ve seen how it’s not cool for me towards him nor the other way around to be holding each other captive in certain roles or characters. At the same time his process is definitely something that I don’t have to be ‘commanding’ on, we can comment and discuss stuff and get to certain understandings which is cool, but I absolutely see that I have to step down from my exigency towards him and stopping defining myself as ‘being very exigent’ towards others as well, because it becomes over-protective and this stiffness and rigidity in my stance toward another.

Here acknowledging self-responsibility for myself means I have to focus on myself and where I can acknowledge my own mistakes and control-freakism in this case and explain the patterns, acknowledge them and own them myself, which is what I’ve done towards him and explaining how I noticed this ‘trap’ that I was imposing onto him expecting ‘the worst’ when in fact this was created based on memories only and not really ‘here’ as who he is currently and the points he’s working on himself.

Therefore, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold another captive in a particular character and experience of their past or how I created a usual perception of who they were when first getting to know them, wherein I still tend to want to check ‘where he is’ currently and ‘how he is experiencing himself’ as an attempt to cross reference ‘how he is changing or not’ but this is my own paranoia and it doesn’t support him either at all, while at the same time I have to completely ‘let go’ of wanting to have any impact on him and his life for the better, because this is not about ‘me wanting to achieve results upon him,’ but entirely about him and what he decides to do or not do for himself and in his life.

Therefore I have to let go of wanting to ‘know’ or ‘check him’ in that way, because placing myself in his shoes, I would not like to be treated that way either.

And at the same time I also explained to him how I have definitely caused him to now not talk about certain things based on my reactions towards that in the past. So I explained that yes, that was me in the past and I have considered and looked at the points that I have to change within myself so that he can also please assist me in continuing to open up those same points I would ‘react’ to in the past and test myself out this time around. Because! I explained that in doing so, it’s a way to assist myself in now embracing those topics, questions, aspects he brings up and watch out for my attempts to react to it, because then I would be the one creating ‘cycles’ within me toward him and vice-versa. And I also explained how I consider this is how partnership relationships become conflictive and stifled in lacking communication over time where one holds a grudge toward the other and vice-versa eventually basing the entire current-moment that is being lived conditioned to the past, to ‘who we were’ and that’s absolutely not cool, not giving any room to grow ourselves as individuals and so in the relationship.

Here, I also have become aware of how in partnership relationships, if both people ‘stick to their egos’ in the form of pride or righteousness as in believing that ‘the other person is always wrong and I am always right’ that’s the most toxic stance that creates a maiming, a stifling and stagnation in any potential growth individually or as a couple, because if we hold each other captive to ‘who we were’ or how we have come to know another ‘usually reacts to this/that’ then, we are already expecting the person to not change, to ‘remain in character’ instead of rather in those moments, stopping our assumptions, stopping our ‘expected outcomes as usual’ and give ourselves that space to grow,  that moment to breathe and settle into our potential as that chance, that opportunity for us to change, to do things differently this time around.

That’s exactly what I’ll be focusing on and applying specifically towards my partner and remind myself that it’s not up to me how he goes walking his own process of self-change, but entirely about him and his responsibility. I can only stand as an equal to him that can be a point of support, of reference of direct assistance if needed but all of this has to be done unconditionally, not regurgitating assumptions based on memories, based on the past.

What does it take to do this? It takes letting go of that tendency to want to be ‘in control’ of something and instead give space for another to breathe, to play with their own realizations and situations which has actually worked much better in other aspects where I’ve been directly not pointing out ‘all that I believe he must change’ but more have allowed him to go noticing certain things over time, and this again that I just shared is still coming from my idea, belief or perception that I am ‘more aware’ than him, but in any case whether it is so or not, I have to completely let go of a ‘knowing’ and instead simply work with what is here, in the moment, being and committing myself to be the one that stands up to ‘stop the back and forth limitations’, to remind ourselves of having to step out of these cycles of expectations and assumptions based on ‘who we were in the past’ and rather assist each other to test ourselves, who we are in every moment without expectation, without holding on to grudges which yes it is another toxic aspect in relationships where we haven’t allowed ourselves to forgive ourselves and each other for some kind of conflict in the past.

This then ensures that we can acknowledge the patterns being played out and get to our personal responsibility about them and remind ourselves/each other of it, yet it’s all up to us individually to change it, yet together in the relationship.

I therefore will continue working on becoming flexible but more so giving that space, to not ‘asphyxiate’ others when it comes to ‘pushing them to change’ in one way or another, because that is definitely not how this process works and I instead have to focus on letting go of my tendency to control and be ‘on top of all things’ as in a superiority actually fueled by fear wherein I have to be considerate of another’s process and me not wanting to ‘push’ anything, but only be an example without any hidden agenda either, otherwise I’d compromise my own self movement to do it to ‘show him’ or ‘show others’ and that’s not the point either, lol –

It’s fascinating how this whole process is really about a constant assessment of finding the equilibrium in one’s participation with others and in our lives, not going into extremes out of reactions but live words that are supportive according to the situations we’re facing, test them out and see what the outcomes are, to from that continue rearranging, re-assessing, fine-tuning and testing again… it’s a constant thing to do but a very cool one because it is about asserting our own authority as authors of our lives, of deciding to actively fine tune things that we would have normally lived out in ‘auto-pilot’ mode and this way we can challenge and so change the ‘usual ways’ that relationships had existed in this world and now turn them into ‘safe spaces’ with one another in personal agreements to commit to self-change while continuously having someone else that gets to know us very well – and vice versa – that can assist us when one is going into ‘the same old reactions’ while at the same time not being controlling or overbearing in ‘pointing all the wrong things out’ – it’s a fine balance, but with prudence it can be done.

It can be a bit complex to explain and generalize this because it all depends on each situation, but I am confident that we all can find that ‘equilibrium’ spot in our relationships which will be understood and realized and we’ll become aware of being ‘at it’ because we won’t have any conflict towards our partner or another in our minds, it will involve an immediate humbleness and consideration towards another and their life, their process, while being able to provide feedback while at the same time letting go of any ‘expected result’ out of it, and that’s how it goes. It’s like an in breath and out breath in those situations and all it takes in my case is to let go of my ego that wants to ‘control it all’ and ‘overbearing’ which I have to first apply to myself in order to not recreate these very patterns again, and that’s how I can bring the point first back to myself instead of focusing ‘on another’ or ‘another’s process’ – while also making others aware of not doing the same towards us, but be a point of support that can assist each other in facing those ‘usual points we react to’ and bringing them up again, and again, and again until we can be clear and stand through it.

Thanks for reading

 

Libera las Ataduras

 

Join us in our process of Self-Awareness as LIFE


%d bloggers like this: