Tag Archives: comparision

March 21, 2017

542. Living Expression

By Marlen

 

§  Continuing from: 530. The Secret Behind Attraction

 

I have identified the word ‘expressive’ with a set of personality traits where a person speaks in an assertive, directive manner and using mannerisms that look somewhat ‘effusive’ or ‘extroverted’ to me, like moving hands, doing various facial expressions, even being humorous as well. Now, all of these are aspects or traits when looking at them as something I merely react to in a positive manner, which leads me to create an assumption or judgment that the person is ‘expressive’ or ‘outgoing.’ However, this is only what I can perceive in a moment of a person’s expression – I realize that it does not represent what it actually means to be expressive. This initial approach I just described above would be a form of confinement to the potential that we all exist as in the word expressive. Now, what does that mean?

When investigating my feeling-based reaction that I’ve experienced towards people that present this kind of qualities – I have seen how I’ve actually at times gone into a bit of a ‘sinking’ next to them, when interacting with them or observing them, because of considering that no one can ‘top their expression,’ which unfolds in reacting within inferiority, which is an indication that I’ve separated myself from my own potential expression and therefore, judge someone else’s as ‘desirable.’

This is also why I’ve been debunking my own set of beliefs around these words I had felt ‘intimidated’ by or creating a form of ‘attraction’ towards and instead, directing myself to clear out their meaning for me and take those words back to self, which means realizing that we all have the ability to live these words in a self-supportive manner, and not only as some kind of ‘show’ for others or personality trait, but as a genuine expression of who we really are, which is also expression as a process in itself.

Part of what I’ve learned in this process within Desteni is to understand expression in self-honesty, wherein one actually goes ‘reverse engineering’ one’s preferences as likes and dislikes, our emotional and feeling reactions to virtually everything in our lives, and we can then spot what kind of energetic experience motivates us, essentially looking at what exists behind every thought, word and deed in our lives.

It has been a very grounding and supportive process for me to do this, to realize how much of what I deemed ‘my expression’ was motivated –in my case – as a ‘show for others,’ or a form of ‘mask’ that I could put on to be liked or accepted by others, seeking appreciation, approval, seeking relationships out of need or dissatisfaction with myself, wanting to appear as ‘more’ than what I was truly experiencing within myself in certain moments… and the list could go on.

So, upon going understanding and seeing clearly ‘what motivates me’ in my life and noticing all of these fears or desires as starting points, what was left was a decision within me to self-forgive all those fears, judgments, desires and instead, apply myself to now learn what it means to be the starting point of my expression, what it means to direct myself to do something for and as myself – in other words having no ‘fear’ or ‘judgment’ or ‘desire’ as a motivation to do something anymore – but instead genuinely in a moment decide to do something and live it, do it, ‘go for it’ in other words and create it, express it – of course in consideration of what’s best for all, in common sense and self-honesty, essentially making decisions that are supportive – not just ‘random’ stuff that could be consequential, lol.

This might sound too simplistic in words, but it can actually be a challenging process for most of us that have conditioned our very decision to move and do something in our lives for something or someone else but ourselves.

An example on changing this starting point is how I initially decided to start painting and get into arts to avoid being bored, to cope with being alone one summer at home and also desiring to someday be very famous and well known and travel the world and the rest of it. Of course this doesn’t mean that I now have to stop doing any art because I had a flawed starting point –which by the way, I actually did stop for a while because of thinking it wasn’t valid anymore in my life, lol – but in self-honesty one learns to then realize we can change that starting point or ‘reason’ for why we do things or ‘who we are’ within doing art in this case and so, learn to be my own starting point, learn to express myself as art, which means not doing it to ‘get’ an experience or ‘avoid myself’ or ‘expect’ me escalating my position in my society, but simply as an expression, a movement, a decision, a realization that I work on for myself.

Changing this starting point in whatever we do, make, say and think in order to make it an expression of ourselves is actually easier said than done of course, because we’ve mostly learned to do things ‘in separation of ourselves’ – therefore, such a point as being expressive or expressing ourselves may have a huge baggage behind it as a set of reasons to ‘do’ or not to do something – like for example having the starting point of wanting to compete against others to ‘win’ something, to ‘get a relationship’ out of a fear of experiencing loneliness as a ‘negative outcome’ and the list may go on.

These are just examples but the point here is to explain how we are the only ones that can truly be aware of when we are genuine and self-honest in our expression and when we are in fact not so. And this is what has been very supportive for me to understand considering that I had been the kind of person that would use any form of motivation ‘outside of myself’ to express and be in a particular manner to create a ‘show’ of myself for others – but saw little to no point on doing it ‘for myself,’ which as strange as it may sound, it is actually a far more common situation than we would like to accept.

A cool test for myself lately has been the situation of being by myself and not having anyone necessarily being the ‘receptor’ of my expression or ‘expressiveness.’ This has been very cool for me to see what of the things I used to do when having someone else around me most of the times I stopped doing or changed in the ways I would do it because there’s ‘no one else around me’ that could be the witness or receptor of such expression – whether it was something I do or how I express myself in those ‘little moments’ of interaction with others.

I initially saw that I was wallowing into a ‘pointlessness’ considering there was no one to interact with in relation to this expression – but I instead made a decision to apply this realization about self-expression: to be the source and reason of my expression. And so upon the various years of living alone in different phases in my life, I’ve learned to do things for myself, from the way that I care for my own body, how I dress, how I have my surroundings, the food I make for myself, the things I do for fun, the kind of work that I do, hobbies –I’ve learned to have ‘me’ as starting point for these points, of course every now and then having to re-mind myself of that considering how easy it is also to start placing something or someone as the ‘reason’ to do anything in this world in separation of ourselves.

Now, I understand some might say ‘oh isn’t that selfish, doing it only for you?’ but it is not, this is of course within the context of doing things that are supportive in nature and that I then through habits on a daily basis have turned into my own expression, which can be easily translated into ‘who I am, how I am, what I say, how I behave, what I write, how I present myself with people, how I look, how I speak’ within the starting point of being directive in it all and within the consideration of the principles of what’s best for all, being supportive in other words and without making it a point of ego.  

Now going deeper into this word ‘expression’, we express ourselves in every moment. Every moment of breath is self expression, it’s my body expressing itself – every thought, emotion, reaction, judgment, opinion is also a form of expression, an expression of my mind that I’ve learned to now assess and question every time to see how supportive this expression is for one’s life and that of others, which is the self-honest application upon one’s expression and so placing the opportunity back to ourselves to decide: Who do we want to be and How do we really want to contribute to this life and existence in every moment that I am existing?

Being alive is already in itself an expression, it is ourselves existing as a plethora of potentials to develop according to our context, capacity and abilities – but the point is then to expand this word ‘expressive’ not only to a set of characteristics that can be perceived or received by others in only a fraction of interactions in one’s day, but it is about acknowledging that we are in fact expressing ourselves every moment of our day, whether we are aware of it or not.

So, one of the points here I would like to remind myself about is that, even if ‘no one is seeing me’ – apparently – and no one is ‘benefiting’ from my expression as my ‘doings’ in my day to day living, I actually am aware that by the sheer fact of being living in this world where we are in fact all the same – as in one and equal as life – whatever I accept and allow, what I change and correct within my life in common sense, what I work to develop in my life, the words I decide to live, the expressions I decide to fine tune within me, the destructive or self-sabotaging habits I decide to stop and correct within me, the words I choose to use to communicate, the foods that I eat, how I care of my body, the way that I l decide to confront a ‘problem’ or conflict in my life, the way I relate to people around me, the way that I present myself with others, the words that I write, the things I support in the internet, the way that I approach my work, the ideas that I have to create something and who I am in the process of creating something are all ways and forms of self-expression: they are all parts of me and they all stand as an impression or ‘signature’ of who I am in all of it – therefore we are constantly expressing, therefore also communicating with every single one of these in our day to day, it’s how we participate as co-creators of this reality.

That’s the kind of holistic self-awareness to practice in my day to day really, where I continue to align myself as the starting point of what I do within the understanding of being best for myself and so being best for all – and also in being able to enjoy all of this that I do as part of my self-creation process, which is actually something we tend to forget to do many times when we are too busy living ‘for others’ or to ‘get something’ out there, forgetting who we are as life yet to live to its utmost potential, which to me is precisely linked to self-creation, to sculpt ourselves as our creation, to work on our potentials, to fine tune our expression and genuinely learn to live, and so be an example for many more that might be ready to consider doing this for themselves in their own lives.

How to live then the word ‘expressive’ in relation to interactions with others? It’s actually quite simple because once that one walks through this process of self-writing, getting to know ourselves and deciding to change the judgments, limited perceptions, beliefs, opinions that we might create about ourselves or others, what is left is a core expression of oneself as an individual which is the definition of being ‘expressive’ as in not having obstacles to share, to be open, to enjoy, to share the kind of enthusiasm that emerges within oneself when we start ‘piecing ourselves back together’ from the scattered-self as all of the mind-traits that we had defined ourselves by.

Therefore, being expressive is also a result of walking this process using the tools of self-support provided by Desteni and realizing that we actually have much more potential than we thought we had when being only ‘in our minds’ and not yet getting to live who we really are as life, as our physical body – and this is only the start for me, there’s lots to do, fine tune, continue expanding and growing on but so far, best thing I’ve been able to decide to commit to in my life.   

In this, I also learn to not ‘compare’ myself to others’ ways of expressing, but rather learn to appreciate others in their individuality, being aware that I can always enjoy it ‘with them’ while also sharing myself and learning from each other to become better human beings. Interestingly enough that’s very much what we also do as the Desteni community and that to me is definitely an example of what being expressive is about, it all being related to ‘sharing the life’ in one another and the ways in which one lives it, how one works through it, what kind of solutions and paths one creates to continue tapping into one’s potential and that to me is what life and living is all about.  

Thanks for reading.  

 

Enjoy this Desteni Radio episode: Desteni Radio # 22 – Drinking Water and Why Change is Difficult

 

 

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE

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February 3, 2017

497. From Displacement to Integration

By Marlen

Or how to curb an insta-reaction of feeling overshadowed by someone else’s presence and turn it into a moment of sharing the moment.

I’ve become aware of reactions within myself wherein I don’t necessarily think about things but it all happens in a quantum moment – meaning instantaneously – upon witnessing a change in my immediate environment related to people around me and the context I am in, wherein I’ve accessed a physical-reaction of discomfort, a tension that ‘takes over’ in a moment which I’ve identified as a comparison, a ‘value assessment’ in a very peculiar context that actually says a lot about an aspect of myself that I’ve been seeing more and more clearly these days.

It all started when frequently going to a particular shop where over time, I’ve developed a cool relationship with the people in it, the women that attend the shop are very kind and open and I’ve also walked my process to get past initial prejudices and start getting to know them a bit more. So, usually when I’m there I’m quite comfortable, yet I have also ‘enjoyed’ the fact that I would not usually find more people in the shop and be alone having essentially all the attention to ‘me’ mostly.

But one day as I was looking at the products, I heard someone else coming in and it was another woman and I frankly did not even look at the person, but in that moment just by being aware of the presence of someone else and seeing the equally affable stance and amicability that the ladies attending the shop were sharing with this newcomer customer led me to experience an immediate and insta-displacement of ‘my position’  – lol – that I apparently had before the other lady came in and how it came to a  ‘low’ when they were busy with the new customer now, which of course makes absolute sense here and I rationalized it as such but, this was after I had already gone into that initial physical reaction about it.

Then I glimpsed at the other lady and there was this insta-comparison going on as in me being ‘inferior’ based on looks to that other woman and in that then a very, very subtle experience in me again of wanting to ‘swipe aside’ my actual reaction came up.

Now I’ve just described the physical events as they took place but at the same time of all of this, I didn’t have thoughts in my conscious mind as in ‘oh no a new customer is here’ nope, not at all. What I’m describing as a reaction was at a very physical level which means it became a subtle stiffness and rigidity in my head area, also avoiding to ‘look at the person’ as in not wanting to immediately appear that I am ‘acknowledging’ her, which was already done by me going through this ‘assessment’ that in a way I was being ‘displaced’ or had ‘my space, my position invaded’ by someone else – lol ! – and at the same time I experienced a subtle ‘sinking’ in myself which is how I’d define the inferiority point towards the other lady just through listening to the equally affable and amicable interactions she was also having with the shop assistants.

I was aware of all of this experience going on in me and I did make it a point to practice the word Embrace as in embracing the new person in the environment, realizing that the ladies attending there are not ‘exclusive’ for me and that I essentially had to step down of my notion of special-customer and superiority in it, which is quite funny to point out in me but it shows a lot of what I actually tend to have as a constant presence throughout my entire life wherein I almost expect to be treated ‘royally’ by everyone else, with special regard and consideration. So if anyone could step in to ‘take that place’ in whichever situation, I’d feel ignored and so that ‘sinking feeling’ would emerge in myself, which is really another form of silent personality tantrum that comes as this physical-discomfort for a moment that I can identify as a form of constant elitism or superiority complex in relation to others, and in relation of how I expect to be treated by others which I’ll call ‘the royal syndrome’.

On the other hand, I’ve felt uplifted whenever I have received ‘special treatment’ anywhere, even when I know there are distinctive differences being made towards other people somehow in myself I feel very ‘right’ that someone could have this special regard or consideration toward myself, even when walking past males and some would gently ‘revere’ when passing next to me, those are all like ‘clicks’ as if it was an acknowledgement of my ego, in the sense of: ‘Ah! They do know who they are dealing with’ lolol

So that’s why as I had shared in some recent blogs, the idea of being ignored or being treated ‘equal to every other person’ still created a slight reaction in me, which doesn’t make sense at all! Because I am walking a process to precisely embody what it means to entirely live and consider all other beings as equal to myself which means no more and no less can exist as a judgment toward me or toward others.

However not to judge myself for it, I can change this with a constant diligence considering how embedded as an aspect of myself this has become and probably I can call it the ‘princess programming’ really because it deals with a sense of elitism and expecting a form of ‘special treatment’ or ‘reverence’ wherein if I don’t get that and I am genuinely treated like everyone else, there is a sense of being ignored, left out, ‘downgraded’ lol which only exists as a perception altogether in my own mind.

As for the situation with customers, it has happened various times and I have moved myself to practice that embracing In real time moments wherein I assess my reaction and behavior and move to integrate myself in the moment that is being shared between all of us; sometimes I join in their conversation which has led to cool openings several times, which is awesome and this I find I can do quite comfortably after I have processed my initial insta-‘shock’ of having someone else in the same space all of a sudden and triggering that initial ‘displacement’ perception, but it’s all in my head really, I have lived this for such a long time that it will take time and practice to be able to stop the whole pattern from triggering whenever I see the same reaction rearing its head. 

How I have played out this character in the past – before moving to integrate, embrace and see others as equals – I would not know how to ‘deal with’ my experience, would not be able to conceal it as it is something that would almost ‘take over me’ and that I can also see comes from family patterns on both sides, this desire to always be the shining star on one side and on the more ‘concealed self-importance’ side from the female where between women there’s this untold competition that I practically also have worked through in real time embracing of another, another’s expression, focusing on their eyes and not judging their expression, focusing on their words and what is being said instead of focusing on my mind and assessing all kinds of useless things.

In the past I would become very stiff on the upper area on my body which would translate into a very controlled, sometimes probably arrogant expression towards the other people and that was definitely not cool to do, because it is the usual pattern of masking inferiority with a sense of authoritarianism, control and fake-confidence which is the same that any tyrant tries to do whenever he/she sees their domain going ‘out of control,’ it’s all based on fear protecting a false premise of myself as either superior or inferior or ‘unequal’ to any other being, which is the delusion I have to practically stop at all levels within me, no matter how ‘subtle’ it may be.

Therefore, embracing others in such contexts means: I see them as equal as myself, I can integrate in their conversation if I see there is something I’d like to share or contribute or ask from them to learn about, which has turned into sharing practical tips and I’ve enjoyed that too. Here I have to assist myself to be able to ‘cut the chain’ from this whole character, and prevent myself having to go through that initial stiffness and tension from acknowledging others to simply directly living this word embrace and physically relaxing my body and then proceed to see if I can participate in the discussion or not.

Sometimes I simply ask them a question on what they’re buying and that’s then another way to prove to myself that whatever idea I had created about them is only in my head, because I usually find that we can talk and be open in that moment which is a healthy practice as well whenever possible; if their interaction is short or there’s no point I see I can interject with and integrate myself with, I simply practice breathing, being relaxed along the same space, me acknowledging them, giving them the equal right to be there in that moment, the equal right to be attended in an affable manner because it’s common sense! That’s what I like for myself so it is kind of delusional for me to attempt to curb that from others.

So, I’ll continue debunking this ‘attention grabber’ and ‘elitist treatment’ expectation that I’ve built within myself as a ‘normal’ way to interact with others, which is clear by all that I’ve shared here that it’s not really supportive for myself, nor for others, nor for my body and expression.

Therefore, here’s to debunking the ingrained seemingly ‘silent’ aspects of myself and getting more specific with my own application.

Thanks for reading

 Meddling

 

Join us in our process of Self-Awareness as LIFE

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