Tag Archives: comparison

532. Expressing Self-Trust and Confidence

 

§  Continuing from: 531. Redefining Self-Confidence

 

Here I’ll apply self-forgiveness on all the points I wrote out in the previous blogs, in order to tackle my self-created limitations and for once and for all rather see the benefit of owning my creation as my expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience hesitation, self-doubt and lack of confidence whenever I am having to make decisions on my own and have no one to reference my decisions with, wherein I have gotten used to always being able to have the approval or disapproval of others to then decide to make a particular decision in my life alone – instead of realizing that regardless of what others might say, I am the one that will ultimately live with the outcome of such decision and as such, it is ultimately a point where I have to learn to trust myself, which in this case means learning from making my own decisions, moves and choices and accordingly walk through them, not fearing making mistakes or going ‘the wrong’ way because that’s how I’ve found that I get to then define and fine tune my decisions, my next steps and next choices.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not investigate what is really behind the hesitation, self doubt or uncertainty before which is in fact a fear of making mistakes, a fear of not really achieving my utmost potential – however I forget that such outcome as ‘best potential’ can only exist through practice, through making many choices, possibly many mistakes and walking many paths to then get to find ‘my expression’ wherein, in fear, I actually don’t get to truly develop myself because of existing mostly in ‘fear’ and as such in a constant limitation that leads me to be in a stifling position, ‘giving up’ in doing something out of giving too much weight on an outcome or the opinions on them, instead of realizing that I am the only one that is able to give weight – or a negative value – to mistakes, to attempts, to apparent ‘failed choices’ – and instead learn from it, stand up and do it all over again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on others’ opinions and perspectives on my expression in order to keep going or completely use them as a deterrent to stop my expression in certain ways, instead of realizing that a point of expression is to represent who I am in that particular moment with what I want to create, what I want to communicate to others ultimately and as such, there is no ‘right or wrong’ or ‘good or bad’ in it, but only a process of referencing myself, seeing how satisfied or not I am with it, taking myself into consideration and not looking for others’ opinions to decide to continue or not.

I realize that I have been my own worst critic as well so, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be my own worst critic wherein I have defined what I do as not ‘good enough’ when I compare it to what others do/express and so, have allowed myself to use this judgment as a reason to completely give up on something and get into an experience of ‘what’s the use’ – when a point of expression is precisely about practicing, doing it as much as one can until one can create or build a point of self-trust and confidence in it, which I can attest is definitely a process in other aspects of my life, but interestingly enough when it comes to creative expression, it’s like hitting a wall and this is mostly based on others’ feedback that I’ve taken ‘to the heart’, instead of staying true to myself, referencing it with myself first and foremost.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in self-doubt when it comes to assessing ‘what to do next’ or ‘what could I change or improve’ wherein the actual fear behind it is ‘fucking it up’ – wrecking it, messing it and so apparently ‘lose out’ an opportunity to have created something that I could be ‘proud of’ – but in reality there is nothing that we can create in ‘one go’ and have it come out ‘perfectly’ at once, and I realize that this ‘perfectionism’ or the idea that I have about what I can be satisfied with can be a huge show-stopper to me if I dare to start over-analyzing everything and then concluding that it is not what I expected, or it wasn’t as I intended – instead of realizing that this is a process of self-creation and self-expression, it takes practice, will take time, will take several tries maybe, but the point is to persevere and not give up ‘trying’ or getting frustrated for not getting a desired outcome.

I realize the practicality of practice and perseverance in this, wherein over time and continuous practice I am aware we can get to be more confident in doing anything – and the same therefore can be created in any point of artistic expression.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give judgments, opinions, positive and negative values to words in relation to any point of artistic expression to the point of using them to validate or disqualify what I do as ‘good enough,’ where deep down I know I can trust myself in what I see, but have ultimately usually veered to get others’ reference and perspectives, which over the years I’ve used as a reason to not keep going, but, this is entirely my own decision, my own process in reality that I cannot blame on anyone’s opinion, because it’s only me that has given it sufficient value/worth to make an opinion more important than what I decide to express.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define confidence based on ‘doing something that is unique’ and so ‘special’ and so, whenever I started finding ‘similar work’ to mine, I sank into a pointlessness because of thinking that ‘everyone else is also doing it, so what’s the point?  When in fact, this is when comparison kicks in and so I stop seeing ‘the point’ when in fact, the point is myself, it’s about my expression regardless of what others do or not do or how similar it is.

Ultimately if I would measure anything I do based on how others do it, I’d be in a constant state of ‘giving up’ because ‘everyone else would be doing a lot of the same things I do anyways’ lol – when in fact this is about my expression, my development, my process, even regardless of the ‘final outcome’ but more so focusing on what I go learning about myself in the process as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to for example diminish my photographs as something that ‘anyone else could have taken’ or something that ‘everyone nowadays can do with cellphones’ which I used as an excuse to give up on taking photographs based on ‘others already doing it,’ instead of rather realizing each one of those photographs were moments where I was truly focused in my reality and making a decision to capture something, it actually assisted me a lot to pay close attention to my surroundings in a constant manner, which I still enjoy doing yet don’t take photographs any longer because of thinking ‘what’s the point, there’s thousands of pictures with the same thing, nothing new’ where I then doubt myself even with the potential of taking a photograph because ‘others probably already took one similar’ – which again, if I expanded this kind of assessment to anything else, I would be constantly stopping myself from doing anything based on what ‘others have done already.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to doubt myself, become hesitant and ultimately feel ‘incompetent’ in relation to points of self-expression in arts because of going into comparison, believing that there’s nothing ‘special’ in my stuff so why should I bother? But I realize and have seen from others’ examples how people that stick to developing themselves and persist on practicing, eventually get to be quite confident in their creations – and that’s the potential that exists when we don’t stop to compare ourselves to others, but stay true to oneself, to the purpose of the point of creation which is ultimately of self-creation, where the result is only that, an outflow or a consequence of a deeper process that takes place while creating something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be focused on ‘a result’ within my expression, instead of considering the ‘who I am’ throughout the whole process, which ultimately is what is part of my self-creation that I’d like to develop and focus on, every moment’s decision and trusting myself within them, considering it all as a process to learn about myself, to learn about giving ‘shape’ to something and also to take responsibility for my creation where I am the one that is entirely behind it, and not any one else’s opinion or perspective on it – this way, whatever anyone else can say about it is an extra opinion, and not a defining factor that determines anything for me – but can only take it as a point of feedback for sure.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to discourage myself from continuing any point of self-expression based on my own opinions, judgments and expectations standing as self-criticism, that led me to then rather ‘not bother’ at all with it, in spite of how I see that when walking through my own veils of perception, I can actually enjoy doing it and I enjoy seeing ‘me’ in every step of the way and reflect it all back to what I am, where I am and who I am behind that one point of self-creation.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have defined confidence in the past based on reassuring or supportive comments made by others whose opinion I deem as important and in some cases having certain authority or superiority over myself, to then decide to continue or not doing something, wherein I then placed my expression, my perseverance in the hands of an opinion, a judgment and a perception – instead of having allowed myself to trust me in continuing to work on it, and stop my own backchat in relation to it, while focusing on the physical process of creation.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to covertly blame someone else as the reason why I decided to not play music anymore, wherein I am the one that took another’s words and attitude personally and made it a reason, excuse and justification why I didn’t have to bother anymore with practicing playing music, and instead only focus on doing visual arts – eventually extending my own judgments to anything related to visual arts wherein I then stopped doing any of it at all because of believing how pointless it all is – therefore, there is no one to ‘blame’ for this. This is essentially something I did to myself and so I can only now stand up from it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take an opinion, a judgment, a perception as ‘truth’ – when in fact the truth is who I am in every moment of creating something, the decision I make and their outcome – which means when I decide to stand all the way in every step of the way, that’s where I see I build self-trust and confidence in relation to ‘the outcomes’ because then I am certain that this is something I created for myself, by myself, without any pretense other than expressing who I am, which is where I want to develop my strength as well, instead of taking ‘what I believe others will say’ into consideration, which is not really about ‘others’ then, but about myself not limiting me by all of that. .

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to perceive that ‘I didn’t enjoy making art any longer’ when in fact, it was the series of judgments, perceptions, opinions that I allowed to take precedence over the creation process of me-expressing-myself, and so that’s where it became tiresome, unbearable, causing more ‘stress’ than enjoyment – and it all was because of how much I gave value and worth to judgments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘fear’ not having any other point of reference for my creation, wherein, I believe that I cannot ‘continue’ doing something unless I get any form of feedback from others – and in such situations or contexts it makes sense, but when it comes to artistic expression, it is truly the one point where I am the one with the ultimate and only say, because it is a point of expression that cannot be judged as ‘good or bad’ and this is also why I also started resisting to do anything related to arts, because of how ‘ambiguous’ it would be through my judgmental eyes in terms of being unable to define it as good or not based on ‘others’ perspectives’ but ultimately, this is where I have to be the one that stands through in it all regardless, doing it as my expression, which cannot be ‘contained’ in a few judgments of value.

I commit myself to continue practicing building, consolidating and densifying my ‘confidence’ through artistic expression – and any other point of expression for that matter – where I can learn to trust my decisions, walk a point of self-creation all the way and ultimately ‘own’ my creation regardless of the outcome, learning from it  and trusting myself in my ability to learn and stand up from mistakes, not being afraid to making mistakes but rather reminding myself that’s the way to continue moving forward in any point of creation, to persevere, to be consistent and to not allow judgments, opinions or perceptions about it in my mind to deter me from continuing.

This is then how one gets to be comfortable in doing something, through practice and then ultimately that practice & repetition creates a solidity of it at a physical level, where there is a point of control and flow as well, which means being present, being directive yet not rigid about the outcomes, flowing with it yet being aware of the path all the way – and this is then what I can integrate as a physical expression of self-confidence.

Thanks for reading.

 

Join us in our process of Self-Creation as LIFE


498. Deconstructing the Default Self-Specialness

Continuing from the previous blog

Here sharing Self-Forgiveness on the points I am committing myself to acknowledge as my creation, as my allowed participation in my mind that I want to change and turn into a supportive outcome for myself and the people I get to be involved with for a moment or for a lifetime.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a positive experience in relation to people with whom I have developed a relationship where there is kindness but at the same time there’s the awareness of them being ‘attending me’ as in being there to assist me, to care after me and getting what I am looking for in the shop – or simply having a chat in the meantime – wherein when I see that another person comes into the shop and the attention veers toward that other person, I have allowed myself to instantly go into a ‘lesser’ experience of myself which I’ve felt in my physical body as a tightness, a tension directly related to the presence of the other person, instead of realizing that this is the ‘default’ experience of ourselves at a mind level where I constantly can perceive myself as ‘special’ or ‘unique’ or ‘having a special spot’ yet forgetting that this is the default experience that we all have allowed ourselves when in our minds, therefore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in my mind reacting to another person’s presence and in doing so perceiving it as a diversion of attention from others towards them – instead of remaining attending ‘me’, which is very much an egotistical experience where I stop considering another person in that moment and go into this tension and frigidity in that moment, which I’ve come to see is me in my body and mind conditioning myself to create a momentary friction and conflict about the presence of another person, instead of embracing the presence of not only one person but any other person around me, realizing their equal ability to get the attention from the shop attendants and at the same time push myself to be able to look at them, interact with them if the opportunity arises and in doing so, practically walk through my initial tension or subtle reaction to another’s presence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a positive experience in shops or other public spaces wherein there is supposed to be people ‘attending me’ and I get all the attention I require, and go into a subtle ‘low’ if the attention is given to someone else, which is very much also a programming I’d see as very common in me since being a little child, the youngest of the family, where I got all the attention and was quite spoiled in my own way, which led me to constantly add this ‘specialness’ to myself, who I am, what I do and if there’s someone else taking that one ‘special spot’ in whichever context, I then have allowed myself to go into a ‘low’ which is simply a perception of ‘me not getting all the attention’, but in common sense that’s how things should be and all that I require to do is to learn now to embrace any other person as an equal to myself, walk through my initial ‘discomfort’ toward them, understanding them as a ‘default’ reaction of myself in my mind-and-body so that I can then proceed to live the words of integrity and integration, embracing and equality towards others at any given time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in that ‘sinking’ experience within me upon noticing it was another young woman entering the shop and in that moment the activation of ‘women competition’ kicked in, in a very subtle manner wherein even if I am not thinking in competition terms, the tension, the discomfort that I experienced as taking over my physical body’s upper area is an indication that I am still reacting to the presence not only of other human beings in certain contexts, but specifically women where I then proceeded to feel ‘displaced’ in that moment where the conversation went towards here, wherein I went into a low and self-diminishment in that moment, which I saw and pushed through to remain in my usual presence, however the experience had already been developed, therefore

Whenever I am in any situation where I perceive that I am ‘alone’ and the attention is only ‘on me’ and I am creating a positive experience about it, I have to slow myself down to ensure that I am not going into a ‘high’ within me as the positive experience that can then rebound to a ‘low’ if the factors change in the moment and I stop getting ‘all the attention’ on me, because this then signifies that my interaction wasn’t entirely being in equality, in stability and comfort, because if it went into a ‘low’ all of a sudden, there had to be a pre-existent experience I was aware of.

So I can now practice this point where I can in those moments upon hearing or seeing that another person is also sharing that moment and ‘space’ in a shop or other place in a similar set up, I can breathe as a way to ensure that I am relaxed in my body and prevent through breathing the build-up of tension in my upper body, while I can deliberately remind myself to live the words embrace, equality, integration so as to ‘integrate’ the other people into the space as equals and embrace them, their expression in a way where I can be in their presence and remain comfortably in my body and even if the opportunity is there, proceed to interact and engage with them and have a chat if they also respond back in an equally open manner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that there are such things as a ‘position’ of specialness and favoritism toward people wherein I have to let go of reassuring these ‘positions’ in my mind that I believe others have toward me and instead, fully develop my positioning as an equal in all aspects, which I recognize I’ve been doing better when it comes to supposed ‘hierarchical’ situations and learning to get past my elitist programming towards ‘others’ but I can still see this ‘regard’ that I’ve built towards myself in relation to how I expect to be treated as a signal that I have yet to completely let go of any default-specialness of my mind, any default ‘uniqueness’ and this can be practiced by focusing on breathing, stopping the insta-judgments of values based on appearance overall, based on gender, based on money, based on ‘positioning’ and in doing so, become the person that I want to be that truly embodies what it means to be equal to any other individual, where I don’t recreate the separations, the discriminations, the divisions that we’ve fueled in our minds based on a plethora of visual differences that are only that, a visual presentation but instead, learn to get to know each other as the words we speak and live, what we embody as ourselves because that’s where the real presence and essence of each other is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still carry on with a subtle, unspoken or ‘without thinking’ comparison or even rivalry towards other women specifically wherein I am the one that is instantaneously judging them as ‘more than me’ based on certain attitudes or physical appearance wherein I am completely becoming me as my mind that judges, that values appearances, that compares and creates a verdict of me being more than or less than others… none of this is who I really want to be in those moments because it only recreates the plethora of separations that we are seeing more and more prominently in our world.

Therefore I have to practice letting go of my ‘inertia’ to these ‘quantum-judgments’ and assessments that I get to become aware of only after they have happened in an almost ‘automated’ mode, but even that, I challenge myself to be able to stop this very silent, very physically ingrained habit of comparing, judging or going into a silent rivalry/competition toward other women that I’ve perceived as ‘more’ than myself, which only exists there if I am still regarding myself as ‘inferior’ in one way or another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to from a very age not know ‘what to do’ upon noticing distinctive physical features and appearances of people around me wherein I learned to create notions of beauty based on appearance and particular traits, but wasn’t really aware how to actually create a meaning that is substantial for real beauty in a person, which I’ve established that is not limited to only the first layer we get to see through our eyes in one person, because that is definitely something that we can all see and sometimes even agree upon by default – but also to include the essence, presence and substance of a person, who they are as the words they live and speak, the kind of being they are in their lives which is what I’d like not only myself but more and more humans to focus on at the same time, because I’ve complained myself many times of living in a ‘shallow world’ where only appearances matter, but the aspect of the substance behind that first-impression appearance is what I’d like to focus on and get to know in a person, to then learn from them, get to embrace them as a being more than just an image, because I, myself, would not like to be diminished to only being an image either.

I commit myself to practice in those moments when acknowledging the presence of another person through hearing them coming in, to instead of ‘avoiding looking at them’ which is not done out of privacy or consideration, but out of avoidance as a reaction to see them with my eyes, I can then test out actually turning my head and looking at them so that I can make the decision to in that moment apply these words: embracing, integration, equality and so direct myself to focus on my own physical presence, my own body, ensuring I am not going into a tension and if that happens, I can simply focus on breathing so that I can dissipate the experience before it builds up at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to without intent and in a perception of ‘respecting others’ privacy’ – apparently – have done onto others what I dislike being done onto me, which is that of deliberately ignoring another’s presence yet only reacting at a physical level about their presence, which is very uncool and I simply do not want to be that kind of person that eventually gets to a point of looking away from people on purpose so as to not have to face the various reactions that could be coming up in those moments. I rather learn to face and embrace the reactions and comparisons I’ve created so that I can work on them first hand and practice, practice, practice as much as it is needed until the presence of another human being – male or female- becomes indistinct to myself, to the moment and can instead practice to embrace them, integrate with them in the moment because that’s exactly what I’ve liked others doing onto me and I am aware first hand of how cool that is for all of us, so I definitely want to be entirely clear within me in relation to people, especially considering those ‘first ever’ encounters where I don’t even know the person, yet I am ‘reacting’ to them? Doesn’t make any sense, really, and that’s what we are and have become in our minds: separation, not making any sense and simply causing friction and conflict by default, but now it’s entirely up to me to stand as the directive principle of myself in my mind and my body so that I can then decide who I am in that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have fueled in a very subtle manner this idea that I am ‘special’ and I deserve some kind of ‘special treatment’ wherein I believe that I am a person that ‘deserves’ something based on what I give, which should not be the case at all, because any kindness and consideration toward others is me giving it as an expression of myself, not as an ‘expected in return’ type of treatment which would only create the same kind of societies where we treat each other as walking numbers or assets, instead of redefining that value as the kind of person we are, the words we live, the actions we stand by and what we use our bodies, our minds, our words for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this ‘default’ existence of myself in this ‘special-mode’ self-experience wherein then it is easier to create any sort of inner-conflict and go into an inferiority-mode because we are the ones sustaining that ‘elevated’ sense of self that can be easily threatened and rocked when perceiving anything or anyone as ‘more than’ something that we are defining ourselves by as a judgment or a value, therefore this proves that any superiority or inferiority complex are nothing more than judgments, values and perceptions that I’ve accepted and allowed as ‘who I am’ which in turn, through this identification, becomes a way for me to react to certain people – or not – based on this default programming of ‘my identity’ being those experiences, those reactions, that superior or inferior experience which is by all means something that I commit myself to stop fueling even in the silent and most subtle physical experiences that I can instead open up, face, investigate for myself and turn this whole comparison and competition mode into a supportive outcome for myself and so for others.

I forgive myself that I have lived a contradiction in terms of wanting to stand as equal to every other person, but still create these comparisons, judgments, notions of value and worth towards others and seeing them as either ‘more’ or ‘less than’ myself, wherein I am in fact even in a silent manner, recreating the same mentality with which we’ve built this current world system, and I know for a fact It doesn’t serve life, it doesn’t have a default space for equality as life, therefore I/we have to be the people that can change our ways of interacting among each other if we truly want to create a world in equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an expectation upon meeting people for the first time of creating an impression upon them of ‘me being unique and special’ wherein I am by default wanting to be the ‘attention grabber’ that wants to make an impression but not yet for all the best reasons, but still coming through with some ego, therefore I have to be more aware of my choice of words, attitudes, expression in general ensuring that it is not being done from the starting point of continuing and feeding this ‘attention seeker’ or ‘attention grabber’ in me, and instead develop humbleness as a modest self that I can live with and stand by eternally as who I am, because it won’t be defined by highs or lows of energy, but instead expressing and allowing the real me to come through as a presence that I can definitely see is possible to continue developing, growing and expanding as myself in more moments of my reality.

I realize It is a matter of being aware of myself at a physical level, being aware of the subtle changes experienced at a physical level as sudden undercurrents that come up and transform into tensions or stiffness and in that moment investigate, look at what’s the programming that’s being triggered and so proceed to apply the words that I see would be most supportive in that moment.

This way, the practical application is an opportunity that exists whenever and wherever I see myself with more people in a context where I have created a ‘positive relationship’ towards something or someone and in that, making sure that I can ‘share’ that something or someone with others without reinforcing a sense of ownership or dominion over others, because that’s certainly not what I want to be and do, I want to stand in humbleness and equal-stance toward others, as well as letting go of notions of specialness or positivity attached to people, places or situations so that no matter where I am, I am here, I am expressing me without ‘highs or lows’ but practicing a continuous embracing of others in the space around me, and also get to chat with them or get to know them better as part of our shared moment and reality, no matter how short or long it might be.

Thanks for reading

 

Silent Interplays

 

Join us in our process of Self-Awareness as LIFE


480.From Mental Values to Life Values

“Those who stand on tiptoes

Do not stand firmly

Those who rush ahead

Don’t get very far.

Those who try to outshine others

Dim their own light

Those who call themselves righteous

Can’t know how wrong they are

Those who boast of their accomplishments

Diminish the things they have done.

Compared to the Tao, these actions are unworthy.

If we are to follow the Tao, we must not do these things.”

– Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

 

Yesterday I forgot to add this quote to the blog on ‘Impressions and Impressing’ which I got to almost by a random opening of the Tao Te Ching book while having this word ‘impression’ as my purpose to explore in the day. This one sums up very  nicely the polarities that we create when following ‘the way of the ego’ as our expression, it is a reminder of the consequences of ‘living through our mental values’ and I found it supportive because a part of me, my programming and even familiar influence on my father’s side would have probably been a trigger for me to, for example, still feel the need to be recognized or boast about something even if in an apparent ‘modest’ manner in order to give myself some ‘value’ for something.

However, when walking this process of self-honesty, developing humbleness is of utmost support, because then we stop ‘measuring’ ourselves against others – we stop comparing ourselves – we also stop valuing ourselves based on ‘what we do’ or ‘how much’ of it is done, but instead consider who we are in every moment and understand that the results and outcomes of our ‘every moment’ in a day, are the bricks with which we go building our next moments, our future.

So if one practically let go of the desires or fears that emerge within us when directing ourselves to do or be something, things simplify a lot and the attention and focus is no longer on a ‘value’ based mindset related on a measure, on external values, on others’ opinions or criticisms, but one then focuses on seeing the substance of things, what’s relevant, what’s of support for one’s life and that of others. That would be the real value of things if we are ever to, for example,  recreate money and an entire new ‘value system’ where all things are valued according to how useful or supportive something is to make everyone’s life better.

In that sense, something like bars of gold or some chunks of information in a computer would definitely not be valued the way they are now, but we would regain an awareness of the real valuable and supportive things in life – but, we’ll get there someday, when we realize our massive accepted and allowed brainwashing on these concepts.

Where can we start now? With ourselves, stopping our own self-devaluations, our own inflations, our own ‘future investments’ and derivatives that seek self-interest ‘at all cost’ or that follow the rules of a game where nothing can ever be truly valued as equal, but always unequal: always inferior to something/someone, always superior, always ‘in front of’, always ‘behind from’ – and no, I’m not talking about physical spacing of things or physical dimensions – only talking about the mental-values that we impose onto ourselves in the ego-scale of things.

So in the second to last sentence of this quote, we get the key of all those polarity values explained “Compared to the Tao, these actions are unworthy.” The Tao here as per my understanding and definition is the way of life, not even the ‘good’ as that can sometimes be misconstrued as a morality, but I’d rather say the way of what’s best for all. Therefore, the key word ‘unworthy’ comes up there to see how it is implying a ‘new value system’ that is no longer based on more or less, but instead in a way that considers the depth and potential of life.

In life, the only real value is life – nothing else – and therefore, anything that does not support life, has no meaning, has no value. How can we then make sure that we start changing the values that we believe only the ‘Federal Reserve’ is responsible for in terms of money creation, or a ‘Central Bank’? We have to take the point of ‘worth’ and ‘value’ back to ourselves and see how it is that the concept of inequality wasn’t born in a social construct ‘out there,’ but it is in fact an inherent mechanism in which we think of ourselves and others, a way in which we have ‘learned’ to ‘value’ things as more or less than in a myriad of ways.

Let’s consider then that if Equality – as in Life Equality, as substance, as the realization of how everything that exists is genuinely one an equal – would have been our default measuring point and general understanding in how we relate to everything, then this inequality, this discrimination, wars, poverty would not exist, because we would not be able to disregard that part of ourselves and impose this notion of it being ‘less than’ life, because such concepts of being less than, more than, being superior or inferior would simply not exist as part of our ways to conceive, to see or approach reality, which would assists us in seeing how we are one and equal to every single person, animal or speck of reality that we see around us.

This might seem a bit too ‘out there’ but to ground it back here, my point is emphasizing how many times we become righteous in believing that we know exactly ‘who we are’ and ‘what our purpose in life is’ and we don’t even question it, we get so sure of ourselves that it can create an inflexibility of sorts that only in continuing to investigate oneself in self-honesty does one get to break-out of that secure-shell of ‘knowing exactly’ who we believe we are, but fear to question it, because let’s face it: no one really likes to experience a sense of uncertainty, not knowing ‘who one is’ if we strip ourselves away from every single definition that we’ve built through our minds, our ego that is always existing in a lack, in an inequality. Yet, this is precisely the kind of challenges we have to walk through in order to see ‘what’s real, what’s of real substance’

I’ve tested it out and proven to myself how life, as in genuinely being able to live every moment in a directive, stable, calm way – is a possibility when I precisely let go of these polarized ways of perceiving myself, what I do, how I relate to others and how I see/perceive reality. It seems like a simple decision and feat, but the reality is that we’ve conditioned ourselves so much to always see through the filter of the mind that it does take this process to understand each layer of self-deception and so, learn how to take responsibility of it by acknowledging it, embracing it as our creation, walking it through a process of re-creation and redefinition the same way that we would expect a new seed to grow, to nurture it, to support ourselves with giving ourselves the proper conditions to develop and then seeing our creation come to fruition.

That’s also how building the new world, the new way of living cannot come from a belligerent starting point, cannot come from antagonism, cannot come from denial, refusal or ignorance of what we’ve become or have created – all of us, equally – as our reality, our world system.

Therefore we go back to the point of wanting to change the world – yes, that quest that ‘drives’ me and many more – to see it again as something that is doable by each one of us, first understanding all of these inequalities existing in ourselves and becoming the living example of what it really means to value all life as equal, to value and regard oneself as one and equal with everything that is here.

And no, this is not intended to create a ‘larger than life’ experience, because that would again be a mind-interpretation of this. It is about us daily practicing this living of the word equality, deliberately ending the ‘less than/more than’ mental perceptions and instead practice embracing ourselves, others, reality ‘as is’ in order to not fight it, to not deny it – which doesn’t mean that we then blindly accept it, not at all – but instead can take responsibility for such creation through understanding it, without judging ourselves for it and so walking it by the hand into a correction, which means: we have to do it, we have to walk that process within ourselves first if we are to change the nature of how we value things, how we gauge or assess things in reality.

So this is a challenge then for myself that I expand to anyone reading this, to see how much during our day we go into inferiorities, superiorities, a sense of righteousness, or wanting something ‘more fulfilling’ or feeling too empty, where we go seeking to be ‘valued more by others’ – all of these representing some of the most basic ways and forms in which we have unfortunately conditioned ourselves to interact, constantly perceiving ourselves ‘unfulfilled, incomplete, lacking, desiring, hoping’ That’s the distraction right there to stop and change into words that can instead assist us to user our time, our minds, our bodies for self-creation, self-nurturing for self support.

Even more so, if you get to see that it becomes rather ‘easy’ to just ‘think’ of yourself as one and equal with everything, it doesn’t stop there, absolutely not, that’s only the first realization, from there it is still all about directing, developing and making of our potential something real through actual work, actual doings and self-responsible direction by each one of us.

It would mean nothing at all to understand oneself as ‘one and equal with everything’ but don’t take any actions, don’t embark into personal changes to genuinely create a life, a world system that can be driven by and embody the kind of principles that we then are individually – one by one – deciding to live within ourselves.

So, a cool point for self-reflection is to see and understand ourselves as the creator of actual value as life values that we can cultivate individually and so collectively – that’s where our real power resides and so far we have been squandering it seeking change only ‘out there’– but we also have to start here, one by one, and that is then us living an ‘idea’, living a word that cannot be silenced or censored, because a new set of living principles and so living values within ourselves cannot be suppressed or repressed if we all start waking up to this realization – there’s no need to fight wars or protest to do this, it’s in all of our heads and hands to use as tools of self-creation in equality, so let’s act, think and live words in a way that is genuinely supportive for all.

 

Thanks for reading

 

Louis Morton

Louis Morton 2014

 

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475. Self Commitment in Relationships

Or how to walk through distractions from developing one’s relationship with oneself and another.

 

My point in this process is definitely personal relationships, that’s the ‘weakness’ or ‘weak point’ that I am now in a phase of my life that I have decided to create and stand in to strengthen myself as well as walking with my partner that is walking his own process of becoming a better person as  he has expressed it. I recognize that my relationship is assisting me in precisely learning to transcend a lot of the relationship programming that I have accumulated throughout time and from my past experiences to discover a whole aspect of myself that I hadn’t yet lived in a relationship before, because of still sticking to playing particular roles based on fears or desires within relationships.  

Giving a step of further commitment in a relationship has also been an entirely new terrain that I had placed myself to walk through once before in such consideration, but it didn’t work out as expected though I learned a lot from that one experience to prepare myself for the one I am in now. This commitment in a relationship to one person  sometimes seems outdated or plain fearful to many because one perceives that one is then locked with another for a lifetime and there’s no way around it and one has to ‘stick with it’ no matter what. But, I’ve realized how as with everything a relationship has to be devoid of expectations, beliefs, traditions, cultural ways that can also infiltrate an idea of what a relationship has to be or what a commitment is and how it is represented.

I like the perspectives that were given in a hangout about relationships being something that lasts forever and how these fellow Destonians shared perspective that enabled me to understand how a relationship is something that is assessed and evaluated as one goes living in it. It takes a lot of self honesty here because I’ve been there myself so many times wherein when I am being challenged in my own ways, and the usual thing was to react to those conflicts and  deliberately sabotaging the relationship, giving up on it and not pushing through the difficult times to take my own responsibility in the co-creation process. I’ve been there before in situations of leaving a ‘back door open’ for someone else while in a relationship and the ripple effects this creates even if perceiving oneself to be fully committed and only considering it in one’s mind – as well as acting out on those intentions as well.

This time in the relationship I am in, I’ve been challenged in many ways, to the core of myself dare I say and this is exactly what I wanted in fact, someone that could assist me to outgrow the old me in relationships, with my plethora of expectations and desires of particular ‘ways’ to live a relationship that I have slowly but surely come to redefine into something that is quite new for me and comfortable to say the least, it’s like living with another ‘me’ as in having no particular relationship towards that other person in the old-ways or approaches I had to past partners which would turn into a rollercoaster of conflicts and mixed emotions – and that’s been quite refreshing to me as well.  Here also to remind myself that I can in no way compare anything or anyone for that matter, this is always a trick of our minds to keep us ‘captive’ in ghosts of the past, instead of focusing on what’s here, very much physical and alive to live.

However here a point I walked for myself as a very personal aspect in my writings is ensuring that I am not keeping a ‘door open’ or ‘see possibilities’ outside of my current relationship and reality. Here it is realizing what it means to feed or give one’s time and breath to think about ‘what ifs’ or potential other experiences in relationships, it is about realizing that I am committing to myself, to for the first time fully stick to my principles of self-honesty and the agreement that I have with myself and so with another to stand clear in a relationship without hidden agendas or intentions to ‘keep other possibilities in mind’ or ‘available’ in our lives, not even in a thought-manner.

This is one of those parts of myself that  I have ‘minimized’ or seen as insignificant, thinking I can deal with it completely, that it’s under control – but, oh reality challenges oneself in the most awesome ways really where I have had to stand very clear in a form of self-discipline with regards to my relationship and work out a lot this point within myself when it comes to this self-agreement and the relationship that I’ve formed where I know firsthand the kind of ripples as in frictions, conflicts, distancing that happens whenever one entertains any thought about ‘other people’ or ‘what ifs’ as ‘potentials’ or ideas related to past partners or how it ‘could be/could have been’ to be in a relationship with this/that person . This point emerged as I was reading Kristina’s blog yesterday and considered how I have been precisely looking at this, how it is a form of the ‘revenge of the ego’ where we can be in a very settled, supportive and grounded relationship, yet how easily we can fuck it up by entertaining memories, ideas and experiences of who I was in the past in relationships that eventually come up as suppressed desires in dreams that I then have to face and recognize them as aspects/parts of myself that I have to make a clear decision to stop feeding within myself.

I see this point representing a perceived ‘lack’ or ‘desire to live the past’ which in my case, it was not at all a ‘good and supportive experience’ for the most part – but at the same time, I also have been looking recently at recognizing what can I take of each person that was part of my life in a relationship and integrate those aspects as part of myself too – as well as in recognizing which aspects of myself I developed, discovered or grew as my expression while being in those relationships in the past   while at the same time reminding me of all the conflicts and problems that I faced with each one and that I have been able to learn from in order to face experiences and conflicts that emerge in a relationship with another, which to my surprise in my current relationship has been quite different altogether from my previous experiences and I can only thank this Desteni process for it, specifically the Agreements/relationships course where I learned what it is to stand in self-agreement and see a relationship as an addition of 1+1 complete people walking together in support of each one’s living and working to become the better versions of ourselves.

My point of self-honesty to develop and work on in this case is precisely within the who I am in what I entertain or give space/breaths within my every day living when it comes to memories or ‘what ifs’ based on – once again – memories, ideas, beliefs, perceptions that can lead oneself to believe ‘one is missing out’ on something/someone or how ‘better’ things could have been in this/that situation with this or that person – these thoughts if entertained in the form of possibilities or memories, it actually becomes a weight upon oneself, where one creates a stagnation in one’s day to day flow by focusing on something as an idea or experience that is only in our minds – while missing out the reality that is very much here to keep focusing on nurturing, growing, expanding and creating to see who I can be and become when walking in  loyalty, honor and respect towards myself when it comes to what I accept and allow to exist within me in relation to my relationship with another, honoring it and ensuring that I am living in a way that I can be at the end of times and stand with myself, my decisions and essentially be able to live with myself, because I’ve been in situations before where it becomes a personal hell to try and shove aside situations of self-dishonesty in relationships and not face them or admit them to myself.

Here then I commit myself to continue developing – for the very first time – a stance of full commitment to my relationship in thought, word and deed, so that whatever time and focus I create in the realm of relationships, I focus on my potential and ‘sculpture to keep working on’ as the relationship and commitment I am in, reminding myself of how many times I have allowed a simple desire for an experience to derail me from a path of integrity and honesty with myself and another – therefore this is what I will be focusing on to strengthening within me, which actually appeals quite a lot to correcting a very sneaky and repetitive pattern throughout my life that I have had a hard time to admit to myself exists in me.

Being loyal to myself is not only being loyal ‘towards my partner’ but being loyal to my commitment, to my integrity, to what I have decided from the beginning I would live in relation to this other human being I am walking with, in an agreement that we made towards one another and that I want to make sure I honor and live to the T in my life as the new me that I am creating for myself, no longer conditioned/condemned to repeat the past, but stick to a better version of me in this part of my life.

Here a reminder for myself how something that I considered was initially insignificant and kept aside from writing about it became a gift, a reminder of what I commit myself to and expand myself to in relation to relationships in general in my life, to not give ‘into’ a fleeting experience that is unsubstantial, and stick to the reality, the physicality of what’s here for me as a stone to continue to sculpt into self-perfection : ) hands on matter

Thanks for reading.

 two heads

 

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303. Competition: War Against Each Other – Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize the freedom to do whatever  we want to do onto another/ free will is a basic mechanism to justify perpetual war against each other.

 

The system is a reflection of our own mind, once that we have placed a common sense solution to competition in the previous post, I walk here the Self Forgiveness process for the competitive traits that I can see have been the basis of externalizing these desires and make it our capitalist system’s base foundation of selfish intent.

 

Continuing from :

For context on redefining capitalism, read: Day 180: The Word ‘Capitalism’ in ‘Equal Money Capitalism Redefined

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to accept inequality as an inherent trait existent within us all based on external considerations based on knowledge and information that has turned into positive and negative traits that make ourselves as humans greater or lesser than others, which is a mind process imposed onto physical reality wherein we’ve learned that such disparity is in fact real and a cause to justify one’s living conditions and social standards upon which we identify ‘who we are’ based on ‘what we have’ in society.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider wits and someone’s knowledge and information a valuable trait that conditions someone to be ‘more’ or ‘less’ than others, which then became a reason to define who gets ‘the most’ and who gets the least, based on patterns of strength and weakness, which indicates that competition in itself stems from the need for survival that we then used to define ‘who we are’ toward each other.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed a comparison point to then become the reference point for me to desire what others have and within this, realizing that the way to obtain it would be through directly competing to aim at the same outcome/ end and in this, within desiring the same thing, the competition is then forcing each one to destroy or subdue one another since no two bodies can get the same thing/ end at the same time, same goes with wanting ‘the most’ wherein such opportunity is not a given thing to everyone equally.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never realize that the one I was fighting against inimically was another part of myself that I was opposing and waging war against based on me desiring to have the most/have that which others wanted as well in order to win and remain as the one that was able to overcome all obstacles and surpass others, which is seen as  a triumph instead of seeing it as the brewing pot of inequality.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed competition as a means to strengthen one’s power without realizing that such power is based on having to subjugate others in order to have such position of grandeur as a mastering in reality which is rewarded with money, meaning that the person that plays the game in the most effective way =becomes the winner, but as we have realized, such game is not based on rules that lead to Equality but can only be one is one is willing to abuse and neglect another part of self. This is the basis of the winners in society.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use competition as a means to aggrandize myself, setting a goal not based on a common sense aim that will make myself a better person as myself and others, but drive such competition in order to continue growing/expanding such power – within this

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make of competition a energetic drive to have more than what our general sustenance and conservation requires wherein the Experience of getting more/having more/ conquering/ winning against others was experienced as a powerful act, a powerful experience wherein we stopped seeing common sense and measure, and became a driving force to perpetuate the same powerful experience that winning against others creates.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to see this competition as a legitimate way of ‘winning’ and seeing it as a ‘fair game’ without realizing that winning over others, creating is already an accepted disparity that we’ve learned to laureate and denigrate accordingly, becoming one of the inherent flawed self experiences within humanity when realizing that not everyone could be a ‘natural winner’ because we submitted ourselves to playing a game where some had to always be below for a few to be on top.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed a self experience of empowerment when winning a competition which then became an addictive experience, taking pleasure at contemplating one’s conquest and dominion and power which leads to further pursuit of power even through  the one that is already obtained is sufficient, the drive for ourselves as humanity to seek for more power is a disease that has become a pervasive economic system that is existent by default in everyone’s mind now, wherein we learn to continue winning, earning and having more and more and never consider a point of sustainability within such power and dominion, but all excesses instead are pursued, accepted and allowed.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to experience the contrary of this zealous experience when winning/having it all, and veering toward grief and dissatisfaction when being a ‘lower’ as in having someone else reaching and attaining that which one also desired, without realizing that such negative position is only the counter act of living in a fixed game where there would always be winners and losers based on a set of traits that were not equally existent in every being, instead of us having provided equality to all and within that no ‘goal’ would be existent outside of the common well being, but instead, we supported a minority’s ambitions and dreams and forgot about all of those that by default were not even considered to play the game.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to never consider another as an equal-value to myself, but always seeing another as a potential enemy to overcome, a potential grabber of that which I am placing my eye upon which leads to an unspoken fear and rivalry that is accepted and allowed as a ‘fair game’ that has been externalized as a regular comparison and competitive interaction between beings wherein all that matters is one winning, and never really considering a common goal and a common well being.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see the word competition implies fighting and rivalry, but instead learned to see it as a way to improve everyone’s living condition, when in fact competition also means the ongoing battle to continually get more and the most of that which others also want and desire, creating a point of  jealousy an justify it as ‘how things work.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to justify invading, conquering something that I could entitle myself to, wherein such fight or demand for obtaining the best/  the most is now embodied as a reputation that should be ‘maintained’ throughout one’s  time wherein I have lived by the statement that ‘not everyone can attain this,’ and as such, justify it with knowledge and information or physical attributes and experiences that should not take part of defining who one person is, as within this basic principle, all forms of separation then should cease to exist.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to relate wars directly related to competition wherein the ability to invade , have security and protection for my own benefit, justified any damage done onto others in separation of myself.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize how competition when lived as a matter of life and death is violent, wherein the outcome is inequality at all times, leading to a constant war against one another, which implies that a constant competition dwindles any opportunity for real freedom and expression, since it means a constant state of survival and fear, which becomes the reality of a fearful and anxious man that we’ve become, fearing each other all the time.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to function according to this constant competitive mode against other human beings as a ‘default mode’ wherein I never questioned why I would compare myself to other human beings and generate fear when it came to being ‘less than’ and create a better experience if being ‘more than’ others in my mind, never realizing how I was being the very promoter of competition according to how I learned to act and be around other people, and see them not as team members but as potential competitors that I had to measure at all times to see ‘who I am’ in relation to them. ‘

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that the moment there is no common sense in our living conditions, as in working together as equals to live in a sustainable manner, competition was the way with which we accepted injustice, disparity and inequality as a usual social condition of man comparing himself onto others and generating a secretive war to win against others, which means that we have never lived in a state of actual peace and common weal when a single man competes against another inimically.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that private property has made competition a  possibility between men in society, wherein everyone fights against one another for the same property, dominion, power over something or someone to get the most and have such ownership define the person as to ‘who he/he is,’ never considering how there cannot be such real entitlement of a piece of land and resources to a single being, since the Earth is of the Earth and we can only adjust ourselves to use it the most convenient and self-supportive manner wherein everyone is equally supported.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that the desire for peace resides in the fear of death, which is what drives all competition ultimately, a desire embodied by positive experiences, a desire to obtain the most, the best not as a self-directive outcome, but the single stance of competition already implies fear to be out of the game/lose the game in this constant war against one another.

 

 

Solution:

I commit myself to live equality as myself as an individual that stops seeing others as enemies and people to surpass in any way, stopping seeing people as enemies and rivals since that indicates an inherent self interest to be ‘more’ than others.

 

I commit myself to live the understanding that a real state of freedom and power can only exist in equality where no men desires what the other has, and to make this statement possible in our current society, we require to establish a state of law that supports this realization of Equality wherein every being is equally supported with money to live as a result of their contribution to maintain and sustain our current system.

 

I commit myself to reform the educational system that includes parenting and school-systems wherein we stop promoting competition based on winning and losing and as such, establish competitions as a constructive self-reference to improve ourselves, our living skills by becoming our own standard of what is best for all.

 

I commit myself to live the realization that as long as I fear another human being, I am recreating fear and as such competition and its extreme which I wars – I direct myself to instead consider common sense as what’s best for all at all times

 

I commit myself to stop the desire to have what another has, since competition i s currently fueled by desires toward that which we don’t have.

 

Rewards:

I realize that the moment that we establish a common ground for all human beings of equal support and equal consideration as a basic living right and law, we will be able to stop fearing each other, stop fighting against each other and stop seeing each other as enemies and this is the only way in which true freedom and peace can exist:when no man fears another based on a state of survival, but instead come to the realization that we can only operate in a functional and sustainable manner if we support each other as equals.

I realize that the moment that we don’t have to ‘sell ourselves’ in order to get the necessary to live, but change the definition of work as a contribution in equality to make of our lives a sustainable system wherein everyone is equally supported the same way that we will support to make of our lives sustainable.

Giving and receiving in Equality means that the only competition available is only toward ourselves in order to better our conditions, to become efficient in our use of the resources, of ourselves as work force and intent in our principled living in common sense.

There is enough for everyone, eradicating scarcity and other beliefs of necessary limitation should be considered only as a remedy to make ourselves aware of what we in fact require to live and what we don’t, in this removing the ‘power’ in itself to own and possess, and instead focus on mutual support to live as equals, a real state of freedom.

Quod tibi fieri non vis, alteri ne feceris: do not do unto others what you do not want done to yourself

 

For further reference, read  the Equal Money Wiki

 

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98. Words as Mind Control

datum 
n    noun (plural data) See also data.
1    a piece of information.
2    an assumption or premise from which inferences may be drawn.
3    a fixed starting point of a scale or operation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use words as a piece of information that I acquired as an ‘already given’/ already established association in order to name, validate the existence of and qualify something in separation of myself, without realizing that the moment that I am defining and naming something according to the association of image and symbol and sound, I accepted and allowed my own mind control wherein we packaged life into limited containers that we use to relate to ourselves and others – never really questioning to what extent we have limited ourselves just by the words/ data we use to communicate ourselves with.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not question why there are words denoting human aspects that are obviously detrimental to all, wherein words such as abuse, misuse, enslavement, power and control – to name just a few – became the way to accept and allow such imposition of energy upon life as the ‘moreness’ that can only exist when the individual is perceiving itself in separation from the whole, being able to apparently impose/ exert power over others through words; without realizing that everything that we think, speak and do is always toward ourselves as we are one and equal in fact.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use words as immovable laws, wherein the most basic form of mind control exists as words and how we learn words within our family and school, wherein we are taught a specific image imprinted along with a specific sound and letters that become the arbitrary imposition as ‘given data’ that we as children simply have to comply in order to be able to communicate with others, without really questioning the nature of such words and their implication being of a nature that is always supportive and best for all. Instead, having to realize that the very grammar we use is already indicating that we Must have an experience toward words as nouns – people, things, animals – and as such, go shaping our ‘individuality’ according to what we accept and allow ourselves to believe are our ‘preferences’ our ‘likes and dislikes,’ which is nothing but information that I separated myself from, that I formed a special relationship with in separation from all other words in order to ‘make them my own,’ and a such become my own programmer as I went on throughout the days ensuring that I become that point of preference as a way to assert my ‘individuality’ as a character creating personalities and eventually sculpting the ego that I became when coming of age.

 

Within this, I realize that the moment we teach children words in separation of themselves and as a way to create their individuality in separation of the whole, we are in essence perpetuating the same system that has been based upon the abuse of life through words as a means to have ‘power’ over reality, never realizing to what extent this single mechanism of ‘education’ is in fact mind-programming to the detriment of children, because there is no awareness in and as words but only self-awareness in separation of the whole, using words to identify oneself in contrast and in comparison to the rest which is how the entire qualification as a means to generate polarization is created.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever be proud of the specificity with which I became ‘my personality’ based on the characters I allowed myself to script as myself through my writing, wherein I was actually quite conscious of how I could create my own stories through words, then become such words and embody myself as the character that I wanted to live as, no different to the stories I would read in books  – which means that I made of my life for a while nothing but a story that I programmed for myself in order to entertain me with my emotional and feeling experiences in relationships, just because of thinking that Life was all about becoming a special being with special events and people that could generate ‘a lot of material’ to work with at a later stage to be a writer.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from words wherein I saw myself frustrated with them but at the same time abusing them in order to reinforce the characters I was busy building wherein I never questioned the substance and essence of words as who I am, never questioning what is it that I am actually using/ misusing in order to ‘give life’ to the characters that I programmed into myself through my own participation in copying personalities, characters and archetypes that I embraced as a platform to create me, without ever questioning why we only have a limited set of role models in society wherein we ensure that we continue existing as the same characters throughout time, never questioning how we could in fact exist as physical beings in equality and oneness wherein words would no longer be used and abused as a means to divide people into personalities/ characters, but instead use words in order to recognize ourselves as others wherein instead of saying ‘I feel this/ I am this’ being able to incorporate others into our beingness in the moment ‘I am one with you as this/ I  am one and equal as you in…’ – wherein the very fact that we have to use more than one word to indicate a fuller meaning of who and what we are is already indicating that we had deliberately not wrought a word that could imply our oneness and equality as life, but instead, words were used as a way to separate, divide, individualize and specify the separation that we have become as characters and personalities that exist in contrast to one another, that oppose each other based on the self-configuration we have become in order to remain as ‘more than’ and ‘special’ at the eyes of others, which means that we never were really looking Inside ourselves, but only defined, shaped, molded and sculpted ourselves according to how we want to be Seen by others.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use words to judge wherein such words as adjectives being able to express a judgment about something/ someone is already a way to push throughout basic education the need to establish points of separation based on what we see, but never within the consideration of being judging everything and everyone that is also ourselves. In this,

 

I forgive myself that I had never accepted and allowed myself to question the very teaching of our language, and take it for granted simply because of giving to education and school a status of ‘untouchable’ and ‘unquestionable,’ which is precisely the way that we comply to story data throughout our education without really questioning how we are taking this information for granted, and how we are accepting it as ‘readily given,’ when in fact the reality is that it was just information passed on from generation to generation influenced and imprinted throughout time with all the experiences attached to such words, which means that we only learned to see words as points of self interest in order to suit our own ‘needs’ as everything that we could experience for our own benefit – either positive or negative, still same imposition – and never really questioning how it is that such words are not realized as the very manifestation of our accepted and allowed self-separation as one and equal.

“So I suggest you find-out why it is you’re unable to Actually Understand the ‘Desteni Message’, why is it that you’re unable to ‘See’ for Yourself – why is it that you Allow ‘Thoughts’ to ‘arise’ within-you and that you Search those ‘thoughts’ and you give them ‘names’ like ‘Kundalini’, trying to reach ‘great orgasmic experiences’, ‘fuelling’ a ‘Mind System’ – Great Dishonesty” – Bernard Poolman

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to learn that words as adjectives are here in order to judge another, without realizing that through being able to qualify something as positive or negative is already a form of imposition toward what is here, which is what language and words have become.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become an ‘avid reader’ simply because of being able to formulate (form-emulate) my own experiences in my own mind as a form of secret mind that no one else had to know about, that I didn’t have to share and that way, ‘live through others’ words’ in order to satisfy this belief of me becoming emotional and feeling as part of ‘who I am’ and human nature, wherein I deliberately cultivated such relationship to words themselves as a constant energy-kick that I would get when reading books.

 

I forgive myself that I never accepted and allowed myself to question what is it that I was really doing when reading books and how it is that I had made it ‘normal’ for me to live through reading others’ words instead of writing myself in a self supportive manner, because I see and realize that everything I would write about me was in essence wanting to emulate my life to the characters in a book , of which we have no actual understanding of how we are using and abusing ourselves in separation of one and other through words in order to establish a point of experience that only ‘I’ could experience as an exclusivity within my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use words as means to create and validate my own ‘specialness’ wherein I would think that it was only ‘me, me, me’ that could experience such images, pictures and general beingness in a moment with a particular type of writing that I then became fond of in order o keep up this belief of myself as having a ‘special connection’ with the people that would write in a way that I wanted to be like, which means that I pushed myself to become that which I idolized, which is people that were proficient in writing, writing books, being able to have a proficient vocabulary, wherein I then began using words as currency in order to give myself ‘props’ in separation of myself as one and equal, because I / we as humanity deliberately neglected even daring to question the origin of words, as that would have implied being/ becoming aware of our absolute responsibility toward each other as the words awe speak.

 

Thus

 

I commit myself to walk this relationship toward words themselves as data that I had come to value as ‘more’ than myself and as such, becoming the manifestation of ego as the construction of words, being aware of existing as a quilt that I sew with bits from characters in order to create myself as the image/ idea and personality that I came to embody after having worked on my own words as a means to justify, ratify and demonstrate that ‘I in fact am this character because my words say so,’ which is an absolute form of self-righteousness wherein all that mattered within me was a set of definitions in separation of life, because I never ever even considered life within and as words.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to establish myself as the ‘controller’ in my reality through the very data I accepted and allowed as myself, as something ‘real’ as ‘the real me’ that I had constructed throughout time through everything I could grab from the media, from people in my reality and as such, become my own architect in a deliberate way without ever realizing how through taking this vantage point of being ‘above’ others and reality through using words that indicate comparatives and superlatives is the essence of mind control to promote individuality as a moreness of ourselves here, instead of promoting a way of being able to live as individuals that regard each other as equals as life.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become an energy junky as in pushing myself to create ‘the most emotional and feeling experiences’ out of just reading words on paper, which indicates to what extent we have separated ourselves from the physical reality wherein we decided to use words in order to generate a positive experience within ourselves that in no way had an actual relationship to ourselves in the moment, which is what makes books so ‘appealing’ to people – yet we have covered up such vicarious atonement with our own justifications toward books as ‘culture’ and ‘education,’ never pondering what is it that we were really in fact valuing and why.

 

I forgive myself that I never accepted and allowed myself to even consider or conceive that there could be another way to express myself in consideration of others as myself, because such consideration was never taught or given as a particular word in itself, which indicates to what extent we have become so used to only seeing ourselves in separation of each other as characters in ‘books of life’ with prescribed life experiences that we came to simply believe is ‘who we are’ and walk it from the womb till the grave without ever really taking such fleeting moments of questioning myself, my who I am as words beyond the accepted and allowed ‘norms’ that were prescribed in order to keep ourselves blind and not taking into consideration that we are in fact pronouncing (pro-enouncing) ourselves as subjects of our own intellect and that every word that I speak as a sentence of myself about others is invariably always about myself in reality.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that the moment I am pronouncing words about something/ someone or myself I am already making a decision of who I am in that moment, which implies that

 

When and as I see myself pronouncing words, I stop and I breathe – I realize that every single words that I will be pronouncing as an expression of who I am in that very moment is and will be communicating and expressing the decision of who I am in that moment; thus I align my words to an equal and one starting point to ensure words do not become again the very polarity holders of our reality, the very separators that perpetuate an abuse that is and will always be self-abuse.

 

 

“Jesus said: ‘Judge not, lest ye be judged’ –because you will-only ‘Judge’ that which you have Done-Yourself –you can only ‘Speak- it’ because you’ve ‘Done-it’, which is why Self-Forgiveness is Relevant” – Bernard Poolman *

*

“This ‘Reality’ and as-it Exist now is your ‘Real Nature’ – is ‘the Truth’ about you = You have Created this As your Mind. ‘Stop’ all of-that and start to consider ‘What is Best Equally for All Physical-Beings in this Reality’ – and then you’ll-find ‘Heaven will-be on Earth’ – and then you will-find ‘you Love your Neighbour’ –and then you’ll find why doing ‘What’s Best for All’ that everyone will-do ‘What’s Best for All’ – it is-Not a very ‘giant leap’, it requires ‘No-Faith’ = it Requires CommonSense
– Bernard Poolman

For more specific support on learning who we are and what we have become in relation to words: Desteni I Process

 

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Matrix words 2009

Interviews to get a never-be

fore explained approach toward words in our reality:

 

*Interview by Bernard Poolman:

Interviews from the Farm 38: Special Feelings

 

Blogs:

Childhood Imagination Creating Characters: DAY 98

Day 98: Humanity is ONE BODY, ONE LIFE

 

Previous entries on words:


2012 Self Acceptance

 

We have defined ‘being accepted’ as fitting into the cookie-cutter role-models that we have been taught will lead us to that state of ‘satisfaction/ happiness/ fulfillment,’ wherein we would finally be able to be at ease with ourselves. Being accepted ‘by others’ has become the way for us to usually define self-acceptance – yet it doesn’t have anything to do with how we look, how much money we have, how others see us or even who we are in relation to others.

 

In the beginning was: Separation

It is as if the starting point for us in this world is lacking any form of ‘completion’ as the realization that who we really are is one and equal. Because this is not even considered as one of the basic platforms upon which all education should be placed, we are instead ‘trained’ and inserted within the world that we identify more with a race track than an actual living-ground, only to someday – maybe – get to the finish line wherein all the ‘glory of the world’ will rain down for us.

The starting point for every single human being at the moment is having to manage to ‘get to point A to point B’ wherein for some this implies managing to survive from one day to the other with proper living conditions such as food, water, shelter, clothing – some don’t even get that and some others could afford getting 10000 times that.

This is the world that we live in and within this, self acceptance is conditioned as part of the system wherein all attributes/ additives/ toppings that we use to build-up ‘who we are’ as our personality and ego, will play a definitive role in how we perceive ourselves, how we judge ourselves which eventually become our own projected judgments as ‘how we think others see us’ – which is something like agreeing to play in our own ‘wall street’ roulette as individuals in society, wherein our value will go up or down according to the amount of shareholders we’re able to ‘trap’ with our presentation, our personality, our ‘traits’ and within that, how much of that we eventually become as ‘who we are,’ forgetting any common sense realization of the very basics that stand here as the physical body that we all reading this are existing as.

 

How I walked this initial perspective of ‘self acceptance’ was through looking for relationships, which is mostly propagated and constantly ignited by the media and society, our family and immediate circle of interaction. We learn how we are only ‘someone’ if you engage in a relationship with another human being, which is masking the entire impulse for sex as the usual ‘rite’ to be an active member of society, to be a part of the hype of the world without ever, ever questioning WHY this is so until now.  This is how we then get trapped into the quest to reach such  fulfilled/ happy and apparently satisfied self-experience because of having someone that would approve of ourselves as ‘human beings,’ to eventually quench this thirst that we call ‘living’ as a bundle of experiences = this is NOT what life is.

 

From this, we can see how we have never even known what ‘Self Acceptance’ is, simply because the common place to go to when looking at these words implies not having been living from the starting point of what should have been an inherent part of our education/ upbringing, as the identification/ recognition of who and what we really are as LIFE, as One and Equal. The fact that we have to talk about the very basics of understanding who and what we really are and getting to the point of Self Acceptance as Life, as our physical body here, implies that we have been living in absolute separation from Reality, creating an IDEA of ‘who we are’ which is limited to a certain personality/ego that we ‘wear’ as who we are in order to continue playing the game of seeking this acceptance outside of ourselves – or its reversal/ polarity effect of ‘rejection’ which works in the same way and requires the same effort to ‘keep up’ such stance.

 

There is ‘something missing’

We all have experienced this in one way or another in our lives, we seek all forms of distractions as relationships, friends, drugs, books, music, seeking role models that could embody the idea that we then believe is what ‘being comfortable in your own skin’ would be like, taking only the ‘image value’ that we can get through how we see others, how we believe it is that they are – without ever in fact getting to know what is going on inside such human beings.

We then consume the image-value of what being accepted ‘must be like’ – In my case I associated this mostly with women in your regular alternative music and rock scene from the 90’s wherein I saw the type of strength that I would like to embody, simply because of having been ‘teased’ for being ‘too vulnerable’ as a child – hence we can know that whatever comes as a point of acceptance through wanting to cover up for the a previous accepted and allowed idea of self, is just another ‘suitable character’ as a façade – or even defense mechanism – that can only last for as long as the energy toward it is there.

 

Pseudo-Acceptance

Everything that we ‘become’ as an ego/ personality requires constant food to maintain – just like any other mind-possession that can only last for as long as we continue thinking  – lol, common sense but! it still happens that we don’t even realize the very basics of our self-torturing applications of continuing thinking and feeding all the experiences. Thus the same goes with this pseudo self-acceptance that I experienced wherein I felt more ‘powerful’ for a while while having just covered up with black the previous idea of myself as being ‘easily hurt’ or ‘easily fooled’ – too gullible so to speak. Within this I can see how it was only a temporary mind-job to fix myself for a while until I realized that I had created myself in such a way only to gain a false-sense of strength based solely in an image, which is how I then got to be accepted by others,  having a ‘place in the world’ built around a comfortable spot that I created as a point of contrast to what I would see in my reality.

 

This began within being in a family with other three women – mother and two sisters – wherein I simply vowed to myself not to become like them, which implied avoiding embodying the idea of being what I have judged as ‘social butterflies’ as having this natural ability to be charismatic and liked by people. Within becoming aware of myself as the physical image I see in the mirror, I started developing judgments and comparison toward them which lead me to feel like the odd-part of the entire family, and specifically of the ‘trio’ that we were as sisters.

The moment that I saw myself as unfit to ‘be like them’ and walk the same steps – as well as not wanting to be in the same type of ‘lifestyle’ they were into – I began reinforcing the construction of this safe-boat as the ‘alternative’ one wherein I ensured I had no competition, wherein I didn’t have to create an entire ‘struggle’ within myself in order to keep up with any form of expectations from others/ family/ society according to ‘who I had to be’ as part of my family. I can see now how it is a form of bailing myself out of the unspoken competition through shifting the paradigm of who I was supposed to be, and in that, ensure that no matter what, I’ll have a ‘different spot’ and regard for daring to ‘be different.’ I took this as some form of pride now that I see it, wherein I would then believe myself to be superior to them for having opted a ‘different lifestyle,’ for having dared to leave home to study abroad and other various things that I have defined myself as.

 

Thus, I placed all my effort to create myself as the opposite/ alternative one and in that, I created a form of comfort. I even got to desire being a boy at times, just so that I would not have to deal with the ideal of what I deemed as ‘girly’ type of personality that I judged my sisters for, wherein all the points of self-judgment would form this apparent impediment for me to not be able to stand simply equal and one as myself, but instead ‘opted myself out’ out of such form of unspoken competition by transforming myself into something else. I would then dress with baggy clothes that could resemble an idea of myself as a non-conventional woman at least. 

 

It’s interesting now that I look back at it, I deemed as ‘more valuable’ to be accepted/ liked by others even if not embodying the usual categories of people that would be accepted/ liked by others with particular image-presentations that I had used as a reference point to contrast myself to = becoming the other side of the same coin. We can only take pride on something that we have deliberately created in order to uplift ourselves from a starting point of perceiving ourselves as ‘less than’/ inferior to from the get-go, and in that such ‘superiority’ I developed as judgment in my mind became part of the usual stand toward family and the world in general, thinking that ‘I was right and everyone else is wrong’ which I have also discussed in previous blogs. This is then the entire set up  for that pseudo-acceptance through using personalities to cover up the actual fears and competition games I denied being a part of.

 

So, this became a point of ‘satisfaction’ because of achieving my goal of ‘not being ordinary,’ without ever realizing I was playing the exact same game, yet having killed all possible opponents by default. That’s also probably the reason why I mostly had male friends, so that I wouldn’t have to ‘deal’ with comparing myself to other females – aside from the early teen experiences when I was briefly part of the ‘popular girls’ which seemed too fake for me to deal with, yet I would still see myself as the ‘odd one’ in the picture, literally, which is when I stepped off the bandwagon and created ‘my own way.’

 

A safe spot for Self-Acceptance: get rid of competition

So, that’s how I became ‘me’ and stopped having to deal with any form of perceived rejection from the type of girls that would be in my school at the time, also because I would not agree or even enjoyed everything they wanted to be/ do like flirting, clubbing and the whole lot of things that I simply couldn’t force myself to do just to remain in that circle. So in that, I didn’t ‘bother’ with wanting to be accepted any longer and became a different character so that I would not have to try and fit in.

That’s when I stopped going out with them altogether and resorted into my own world of music, painting, reading and writing some existential woes out alone. Not that I see either point as ‘good’ or ‘bad,’ just looking at how I withdrew from such relationships from the definitive starting point of existing within/ as that particular judgment. I guess I ‘didn’t know better’ because of that school being mostly designed to create a particular type of people that I already knew I didn’t want to become – which is your regular capitalist/ leader type of mentality, the ‘winner’ all the way; in a way I wanted to remain as condescending as possible to all that could not fit into that idea, hence becoming the ‘outcast’ myself.

I must recognize that even the choice of career shifted in that point wherein before – around the age of 14 I wanted to be come a financial adviser/ economist or any other career that would ensure I could earn a good amount of money. The moment I created the shift I’ve described thus far, I went for a more ‘bohemian’ type of ideal lifestyle wherein my dreams would still be that of wanting to be recognized/ famous yet from a completely different perspective. 

 

Seeking similar-ties to be ‘accepted’

Eventually the way to accept myself within such a self created character wherein my self-esteem was already diminished and existing within a starting point of seeing myself as ‘inferior’ to the rest of the world, I eventually got to create friendships and relationships that were equally ‘low self-esteemed,’ people that would also appear as if ‘everything is fine’ and appear mostly ‘confident’ within themselves, while in fact inside we were all just quite a bit of a wreck at the time.  When getting into these friendships/ relationships I thought I had found ‘my place in the world’ within the labeled ‘outcasts/ rebels’ in my reality. I guess I was willing to live like that for the rest of my life.

Through this time, I would simply accept that I had ‘low self esteem’ and in that, got along with people that could complain openly about their physical body not being fit – me saying ‘it’s fine’ – yet never daring to open up my own secretive struggle with it as well. So, the point is not to say ‘it’s fine’ or being condescending about any form or image, but getting to the point of seeing where and how we have created such an idea of ourselves – based on who/what, seeing where such values exist.

That was my ‘escaping’ point so to speak, wherein once that we see ourselves/ step ‘out of the game,’ the only thing that’s left seems to take ourselves to the extreme of such self-accepted ‘disqualification.’
Self-Acceptance as the actual physical-equalization never really crossed my mind at that stage, because of the extent that I had neglected my physical body as something I could get to appreciate.

I eventually discovered the fuel that the entire relationship entailed in order to be accepted by others. I realized that I didn’t want to be ‘liked’ for having particular looks and resorted to ‘my own style’ wherein I made sure that anyone that would be ‘interested’ in me, would not see only the image of myself, but would like me for ‘what I am’ which was what I deemed was ‘the real me’ as my mind/ ego/ personality that I had created with such detail and attention.  Fascinatingly, it was doing the exact same thing that I had judged about others in terms of building a particular self-image in order to enter the market, so to speak.

In that, I used myself as a point to ‘catch’ a particular type of people like friends/ relationships and: it worked – it’s not that difficult for us to see how the system works and how to get what we want we have to become it and like-attracts-like, which  is definitely how we work/ function at a mind level. In all of this, where was myself as that point of self-acceptance as my physical body? Nowhere to be found.

 

I lived the ‘accepted by others’ type of acceptance which eventually lead me to live in perpetual fear out of losing such people in my world, because of the idea of myself that I have built of myself toward them as that constant ‘fix’ to keep me ‘uplifted.’ This fear became unbearable at some point,  I would definitely get possessed/ obsessed at an emotional level because I had not actually learned how to accept myself, be with myself, enjoy myself, alone – and for that, the last stages of that crumbling idea of myself came to a final point once I got myself into Desteni and had specific feedback of how I had belittled myself in the following words: 

¨Participating in thoughts, anxiety and fear towards others ‘affairs’ – meaning making your concern about others towards you your own – always worried about ‘your place/position’ within other’s world – fighting to maintain a ‘place’ or ‘position’ in others’ world instead of being comfortable with just you here, alone within your world of you.

So – stop fighting inside yourself, being worried about what others ‘think’ of you and whether you still have a ‘place’ / ‘position’ in others’ lives from the perspective of them still ‘accepting you’, still ‘needing’ you and still ‘wanting’ you.

When are you going to start accepting you, being comfortable with you within and as you – instead of chasing after others, always existing in worry and concern of whether you still ‘fit into’ other’s lives?

Fear of being independent Marlen, fear of being comfortable with you, accepting you – still needing others to accept you, instead of you being acceptance for yourself.

                                                                                                                           – Sarah”

 

This is a cool moment to share this as it’s been quite a walk after almost 4 years of this message being like a ‘bucket of cold water’ to wake up from my constant worry about this point toward people in my world in that moment. That’s when I decided step out of such relationships and began walking the process of ‘self acceptance’ wherein I experienced the ‘withdrawal symptoms’ from not getting such a ‘fix’ from such relationships, simply because they had become everything in ‘my world.’  That’s been ‘the’ point within my process wherein I neglected myself to the extent of not being able to see beyond this relationship, hence fearing the person that I was in a relationship with  would find someone/ anyone else wherein I would see myself as not ‘fit enough.’

That’s how I existed in terms of depositing any form of self-acceptance only through the eyes of another, according to ‘who I was’ in their world.  Ending that particular relationship was the way to ‘get back to myself’ at the beginning of the process – and the rest is history.

 

Walking Self Acceptance

I began applying myself in the process of standing one and equal as my physical body wherein I became aware about the secretive constant strive I would experience in relation to the judgments that I held about myself. I simply had to face this full on at some point in my process while having to openly burst out and accept the fact that I had been judging myself extensively and not really standing as one and equal as my human physical body.

That’s when I realized that I have to first accept myself as my physical body to get to that point of equalization required for any living being to be able to stand within the ‘greater picture’ as a self-realized being = equal and one. This could not possibly be done if existing within such self- judgment – and this is something that is still being walked. I mean, we have to see how we have programmed ourselves throughout our entire lives – in my case from as young as 5/6 years old wherein I became quite self-conscious about body image or my image in general, which I was never fully comfortable with throughout my life. I could say this is an ongoing process wherein the moment we write more about it, more layers open up which is cool and revealing how writing out supports in clearing up the pipes that might be clogged with memories that are still ‘there’ and not really brought up to the surface to ‘face.’  It become ‘clearer’ as we go along how we go constructing ourselves in our life according to seemingly ‘unimportant’ points that end up defining an entire façade that we end up becoming without being aware of ‘how we got till this point.’

It’s fascinating because I could see myself having judged this current culture in terms of all the effort – or even sacrifice – people take on in order to look a certain way, yet we all play that same game in one way or another, until we realize what we are doing to ourselves and stop.

Right now it’s very clear how this equalization at a physical level is that necessary self-agreement, after having had all of this struggle with myself in a quiet mode, wherein I could easily talk about others doing it, but not accepting I was living it out myself.

So, this is an ongoing process and there is nothing else to do but to walk the process of realizing that there can not be anything or anyone else that can decide ‘who we are’ or ‘what we are’ other than ourselves – and in that, we stand as beings that are no longer having to exist as a point of contrast in relation to that which we judged or avoided to become like. Instead we walk the necessary process of Self Correction in order to exist here, in simplicity – breathing, walking and dis.covering for the very first time what it is to LIVE without having to play a particular character in order to fit in.

 

Take this opportunity to do so as well.
Thanks for reading.

 


 

www.desteni.org
 

 

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Looking at Art–what is going on up there?

I went to a museum yesterday. I was originally planning on looking only at Ron Mueck’s sculptures, but ended up spending more time looking at two photography exhibitions.  I decided to write about this even though in my mind there are thoughts of ‘Oh you’ve written about this topic several times already,’ but I certainly require to debunk and expose for myself the exact thoughts experienced when looking at photographs. This is then to expose another part of the personality that I created for myself as a ‘sensitive person’ to images that I have defined as ‘art’ and experiencing at times that ‘no one could feel what I could feel’ when looking at an image. This was more prominent in the past and it was also experienced when listening to particular music or reading particular books – in essence when consuming another’s expression.

The ‘Artist’ personality

The memory that comes up and that I probably didn’t expose for myself yet was when I went to see Gabriel Orozco’s major exhibit in the Palacio de Bellas Artes here in Mexico City. I had recently became aware of his work back then which created or I created a great ‘rift’ within me in terms of his photographs, which was another form of comparing the stuff I was just ‘playing around with’ at that time with photography and how he had ‘already done it.’ After watching the entire exhibit that day, I went to the toilet and cried in the bathroom – why? I don’t know it was like a sense of everything I wanted to do is already done so ‘what the hell am I up for?’ That was during my first year of art school. He became this elusive idea of what I wanted to be, really successful and really wanting the kind of recognition that would enable me to share with the world my views and perspectives on life as there’s always been a desire to share with others how I see the world.

I met the guy one day because he went to my school to record some TV program about him, I even approached him as the ‘fan’ that I was and told him how his work had inspired me – but in fact it was more like being able to relate to how he views the world. Then I gave him some of my old tin boxes filled with dried peels of litchis and I asked someone to take a picture of us. Funny but he is certainly like the Mexican art rockstar and I felt even ‘cooler’ because he studied in my school. It all became irrelevant afterwards though.
I see that the pattern that plays out after visiting an art exhibit,  has been an ‘underlying’ experience that I hadn’t been able to pin point for myself then – this is in my mind not wanting to admit that I am comparing ‘my work’ to others and wondering ‘why am I not there on those walls as well?’

Part of my desires within art – as I’ve previously exposed – were that of recognition and so what emerges is really that resonant aspect that I have attached to ‘art.’ This has played out in a constant polarity coming-and-going point because I am well aware of how I made the decision to not participate in that, yet still having such thoughts coming up which is part of the inherent programming I had attached to ‘marlen as the artist’ which is a tag that makes me revolt a bit when I read it, which is just part of the aspects that we expose for ourselves to be able to walk the correction into equalization.

So, through this process I decided to not ‘seek’ such fame anymore, I stopped any effort to seek for places to show my work and focused on walking my own process. I see there has been also this constant ‘projected blame’ on to my own decision to ‘walk/dedicate myself to process and Desteni’ and leaving all things art aside, merely going to school and do what I had to do without giving it any further input into it, which is certainly required if you ‘wanna be someone’ within the art world. Though this blame is certainly only at a thought level because I wouldn’t be able to be standing in front of a canvass for hours every day pretending to be doing something ‘there’ while being absolutely disconnected from the world I live in ‘here’ – which is how I used to be living my life as an artist. It’s cool to see how this is just a thought-based reaction without really taking into consideration what this would mean in reality such as ‘dedicating myself to art full-time’ in terms of creating art in the most traditional ways. We can certainly direct art to be whatever we want it to be in terms of being able to support ourselves. I tend to be an absolutist within my life which is something I have to balance out to give myself proper time for everything and not just renounce to ‘the world’ for the sake of ‘only’ doing something and that’s it.

Going to Museums

There has been a pattern that comes up when ‘visiting museums,’ there is a point that ‘drives’ me to it which I simply haven’t been able to realize ‘why’ I go – It can be to get some sort of ‘inspiration’ which I’ve been calling feedback and simply seeing what is being created in the institutionalized art world; the other one is for the creation of the experiences which I am still ‘seeking’ to get from going to see art – that’s one of the points I can see is something I am not fully admitting because of perceiving that is dishonest- though it’s even more so to keep it secret even for myself.

Back to the Museum point. These two particular photography exhibitions were of Mexican photographers from the first half of the past century and the pattern that emerges when watching some of them is: ‘they’ve done it all already’ or ‘I do similar stuff, why aren’t my pictures on museums?’ or ‘why am I not famous?’ ‘Why haven’t I sold any images yet?’ – well, by this I mean in an actual art market.

Back to the point to debunk here:  I am in front of the image and I think ‘I’ve done stuff like this’ – comparison

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with a mental judgment to an image I am viewing and immediately link it to ‘my work’ wherein comparison emerges as a way of being able to ‘equate’ what I do to that which is considered ‘art’ and is inserted in such sphere/ category of ‘importance,’ ‘value’ and ‘admiration’ that I have given and imprinted to images within the context of a museum as ‘consecrated art’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wonder ‘why I am not there?’ which is a reaction that comes after comparing ‘what I do’ to what I see in museums and seeking my own benefit of  ‘being recognized/ admired’ through presenting photographs, just so that ‘I’ in the form of photographs could be looked at equal-to such artists which people have already placed in a pedestal, creating a sphere of respect and recognition around them, which is what I would aspire to get to as well.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that within comparing ‘what I do’ to others is in fact seeking to make myself ‘worthy’ at my own eyes, worthy at the eyes of others and seeking a form of validation through ‘stuff’ that I do which I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to give to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a wallowing point while ‘admiring’ someone’s work because I consider that ‘it’s been done, what am I doing then?’ – in this existing as the desire to be ‘special’ and ‘unique’ in terms of creating/ taking ‘unique’ pictures.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give ‘value’ and ‘worth’ to something that I can conceive as ‘unique’ and ‘special’ within my own value-schemes which is nothing else but a make-believe system that supports no one, that is in fact not real and that cannot be of any support to who I really am as Life here.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into memories of people ‘recognizing my work’ back in the day and experiencing it as a ‘consolation’ to my self created defeatism the moment I am staring in front of the photograph, in means of ‘uplifting myself’ when seeing myself ‘diminishing’ me according to this process of comparing ‘my work’ to others’ work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this possession around ‘what I do’ as ‘my work’ and within this creating an entire personality and alternate reality of myself based on ‘what I do’ being ‘my own’ as something that defines me, that values who I am and that gives me some type of ‘self-worth’ which is in fact a creation outside of myself.

I stand in front of a photograph I like for whatever reasons I could find in the moment – light, textures, contrasts, topic which I usually coming from a point where I can ‘relate’ to it –  and what I see is wanting to ‘possess’ the picture, be the owner of it, being able to say ‘I took this’ and be proud of it/ feel good about it. This is really funny when writing it out because we can see it’s all ego bs, but it’s how it exists at the moment, so best to expose it for what it is so that I become aware of what plays out in the back of my head while watching these photographs, masking it/ overshadowing the initial experience and thoughts with ‘amazement’ and ‘profound attention’ which is me just trying to eat the whole thing up and make it ‘my own.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘possess’ and want to ‘own’ that which I believe  is superior to myself, that which I see is ‘better than me’ in order to be able to ‘control’ it and feel ‘equally-cool’ to it within my self-created schemes of value/ worth that are only relevant to myself in my mind and have no direct reference to myself in this reality where a picture is just  a picture and I am just an observer of that picture – end of story.

The point of debunking this entire sentimentalism experienced when ‘looking at art’ has been a point I’ve worked with for quite some time now. I remember talking about being a visual vicious almost at the beginning of my process, which is what I have been deliberately stopping in the sense of making everything ‘more than it is’ within my mind – but I still take photographs and I still run into these thoughts and participate within them. I’m not as obsessed as before, but it’s still playing out whenever I am placing myself in a room where all you have to do is look at videos and photographs and sounds that may accompany them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a sense of ‘despair’ whenever I am done looking at an image that I liked just because of me having wanted to be ‘the one’ that was there, hanging on a wall as a photograph. It’s all ego based certainly but there is also a desire to share and to ‘make others feel what I feel’ which is also personality-based and won’t ever be ‘real’ in terms of all experiences being but a mind creation.

In essence in terms of photographs is just presenting reality to another from a certain perspective, it shouldn’t be any different to anything else like reading, looking at our environment, watching TV or any other thing we do with our eyes = no added ‘value’ or ‘worth’ within that and just take reality for what it is – they can either be supportive or not, it’s not about comparing myself to each word/ image as words just like images and this world in its entirety is just here and we can only use them as tools to express and convey a message without trying to make of the message something ‘profound,’ or seeking to ‘touch the core of the being’ with it which is what I tried to do somehow in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project on to ‘what I do’ my own desire for recognition and desire to please others wherein I wanted people to experience what I was experiencing within me, I wanted to make others ‘see what I saw/ how I saw it’ for the sake of creating a sense of ‘relationship.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to ‘connect’ with others without realizing I haven’t even gotten to know myself completely which is the primary point of connection/ self-recognition that I actually sought for within beginning an art-career.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a desire to ‘connect’ with others without allowing me first to ‘connect with myself’ as the point of self-acceptance and self-revelation wherein I stop seeking others to ‘confirm’ who I am and give ‘value’ to it, but instead I walk the process to get to know myself.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to seek ‘freedom’ through creating art in separation of myself instead of realizing that getting to know myself and creating myself is the actual freedom one can give oneself in this lifetime.

When it all began….

Memory pops up – when I began painting, I did a bunch of stuff and would keep it to myself. I created an ‘msn group’ to share them with some friends I had in the internet back then whose opinions ‘mattered’ to me in the sense of them being also into writing or music. I became then more ‘aware’ of the paintings having an impact on others, this is probably the moment where I started making of these drawings and paintings something ‘more’ because they started getting recognition and admiration from others. The moment that I showed it in ‘real life’ to my friends, they would also like it and appreciate it  the same way, which began creating a certain ‘fulfillment’ within me after I had only expressed myself in what I deemed the ‘cheapest way possible’ in a literal sense of what that implies. Yes money is also part of the limitations to create art obviously.

When watching some of the photographs at the museum  – besides the entire inner tantrum of ‘why aren’t my pictures here?/ why am I not recognized?’ there is this desire to want those people to see what I do and probably get equal recognition from them. This is probably why meeting such ‘artist’ I mentioned earlier and giving him the link to my blog seemed like something pertinent to do – lol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be recognized by the people that I have deemed as ‘superior’/ ‘good’/ ‘masters’ in what they do so that I could have a ‘space’ next-to-them wherein I see and realize I have been keeping a sense of value and worth upon people wherein I become my own measuring point to ‘become like them,’ but from the ‘seeking fame/ recognition’ perspective to eventually ‘out do them.’

This is my own capitalist mind in the form of ‘innocent values’ attached to images and art creation – fascinating because as much as I could have criticized the exorbitant prices that art-pieces are sold for, I have been giving them just the same type of value and superiority according to my own schemes of what they are worth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be devaluing or not valuing myself which is the inferiority play out whenever I react and seek ‘recognition’ from what I perceive as ‘great artists’ and ‘great people’ which is another way of wanting to manipulate the world to suit my needs and desires of being recognized.

There is nothing wrong within taking someone as an example – yet the point is being aware of how to stand equal-to that instead of creating an entire comparison point wherein we try to either ‘equate’ ourselves to the person from the ego perspective, to eventually ‘out do’ them or actually supporting ourselves to become more effective in what we do, whatever the action/ doing is about.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to look at art unconditionally from people that are ‘famous’ = recognized by the system, and instead accessing a projected valuing-system wherein I become the measuring point in relation to them wherein I am comparing myself to others’ creations and from there, assessing ‘how good/ bad I am’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually go to museums and watch photographs not from the entire starting point of ‘self enjoyment’ and self-reflection, but as an actual measuring point in terms of ‘where I stand’ in comparison to them.

This brings up a memory of a point that I could identify myself with when watching the movie ‘Pollock’ who was btw the first painter that really got me into wanting to paint. He appears saying one of his ‘famous’ quotes: ‘Fuck Picasso! he’s done it all’ while being drunk as hell. That’s the same I could experience in that moment when reacting emotionally to seeing the work of artists and comparing myself to them.

Funny because I had deemed myself not as an ‘artist’ but as someone that paints, takes photographs, draws and makes some videos for the sake of enjoyment. But when it comes to relating to ‘other artists,’ the self definition comes up and what is existing then is this desire to be  ‘at the same height.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use humbleness as a mask to cover up my own desires for recognition – no wonder polarity is such a fuck up really, both poles perpetuate one another.

When watching these photographs and video by Suter other points emerged – besides the ‘I’ve made a video just like that, I have a photo just like that’ points, the money aspect came up. I read all the institutions and sponsors of his work which gives me an idea of how he’s able to print photographs on gesso or use massive copper plates as the media for his photographs. He reminded me of another artist from Colombia which became part of another ‘downfall’ at that time in terms of discovering artists and being ‘profoundly  touched’ by their work- lol whatever that meant at that time which is something along the lines of becoming emotional, I would cry about these type of things like ‘being too sensitive’ for the world  and using photographs as a way to make others see what I saw, wanting to be ‘understood’ without realizing that only mind systems seek for recognition, seek to be understood and ultimately seek to be ‘special’ or ‘different to the rest of the people’ due to such ‘view’ on life.

All about the same personality traits.

So, I’ve opened up the point here which is a superiority/inferiority mechanism that is triggered when comparing myself to others that I deem as ‘good’ at something, this can be extended to virtually everything and it can only be ego based wherein I am judging myself, my expression and what I do and then projecting it in comparison to another’s expression and abilities, which is literally wanting to run a race against ‘air’ itself because it’s all based on mental schemes of what is of value and worth in relation to others. A reverend mindfuck indeed.

Coming back Here

This is something that I had written out last Saturday and left it ‘hanging’ for a while because of perceiving that I had opened up a ‘vast’ point and that it required a major re-cap to continue, which I realized now when I got myself ‘back to it’ that it was all a mind creation of it, just as everything else that I perceive is ‘too much’ and ends up being nothing else but a mere idea of it being ‘too much’ in my mind.

I went to another museum yesterday, this time being more aware of being driven by the general material that has been emerging around this particular exhibit which is what caught my attention. This time I got to see stuff that was challenging the current accepted concepts of identity, economy, society and the general names we’ve given to everything in this world, turning it all into something very obvious to see and become aware of once that you get a proper read of the work – which is something that I still doubt happens in its totality as a form of becoming an educational tool. I see this ‘flaw’ in these type of conceptual works, you require a certain reference and knowledge to be able to ‘get it’ otherwise it remains as an intellectual non-comprehensible joke.

At least this time this exhibition showed more of an overall reflection on the current system we’re living in which is something that must definitely be expanded as a general activity of us human beings living in this current context, starting questioning it to see how we have configured it this way.

This brings us back to the point of self-creation as being our own work of art wherein we redefine art to the actual creation of ourselves as Equals wherein non of this entire value-system mindfuck will be able to exist because it’s all been inherently linked to an entire star-system in the art world wherein only a ‘selected few’ get to be ‘on top of the world’ and getting all the money and recognition while the rest are left outside of the circuit in its entirety.

This entire system we’re living in is based on competition which is linked to the money system in all ways as well, therefore this will become an obsolete aspect once that we are able to live and express regardless of any specific ‘framework’ of reference such as the ‘art world,’ we’ll be able to create and live and use art as a point of self-reference instead of making of it an entire ‘entity’ of ‘our own’ that can be compared and valued when placed against others and go to the extent of ‘valuing’ ourselves according to how it is judged/ perceived by others. Individuality will not be a synonym of specialness, uniqueness as the usual connotations of value/ worth we’ve attached to it, but as an equal-existent expression within its own set of conditions that cannot possibly be ‘the same’ for all individuals, yet equally able to express and create as there will be no limit to this in the form of a savage monetary system that is currently nullifying the ability to express for many beings in this world.

Suggested read: the picture world and self expression
Transforming Art from Mind Occupation to Self Expression
 

Art should be...


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