Tag Archives: compromise

633.#EqafeDiscovery:Being Authentic

 

I was searching for the words ‘compromise’ in the Eqafe search bar and these Life Reviews came up: You See What I Want You to See – Life Review and the follow up of it Stop Your Spiteful Thoughts – Life Review  and it brought up some interesting memories about a phase I lived in my life during my high school years – just like the guy that shares his life review – and how I never considered that what I did in terms of how I would speak, behave, look and wear certain clothes was in fact from the starting point of wanting to fight against all the people that I was secretly – and constantly – judging based on having had a desire to ‘fit in’ within certain groups of people, while actually doing so out of fear of being alone or not been seen as ‘the outcast’ etc. Which was in fact a point of self-compromise, which emerged in various ways as I’ll share here.

It all emerged from the constant need to ‘fit in’ when I was in junior high school and compromising myself to the point of doing things just because of wanting to hang out with the people I ‘believed’ I should be getting along with based on what I ‘thought’ was ‘normal’ for a girl to do, like hanging out with other girls, and be gossipy and be focusing on looks and certain kinds of music and clothes that I really didn’t like lol.  I then became what I thought was the ‘opposite’ statement of it, to slowly but surely embrace more of my tastes in music and portray that in outfits, and be into more ‘underground’ kind of tastes etc. – stuff that I genuinely liked but that I knew that not many other women liked. Yep, I embraced then getting along better with males as a result of it as well.

I have shared about that phase in my life before in this blog, however I realize how I didn’t see how such ‘rebellious’ personality was a form of spite as a way to ‘stand up’ for me, I never really see it as a form of manipulation or spite and even avenging the past girls that I felt would leave me ‘out’ of their group and regular outings.

This personality suit became a way of placing a mark of ‘I am not like anyone else here’ and at the same time feel special that I had my own ‘one-person-niche’ – or so I believed – and essentially was left alone and would be by myself and I would feel proud of that.  What I was able to look back at when listening to these Eqafe audios is how much I masked such deliberate actions – which are yes, a point of self-manipulation – entirely based on wanting others to see me in a particular way, wanting others to ‘leave me alone’ because of considering that I just didn’t want to keep trying to fit in anywhere. There are some cool points that are involved in it as well, like no longer creating a struggle or inner conflict to fit in, but instead pursue my own interests which at the time were essentially and entirely related to music and reading and that sort of thing, so I used books as a point of refuge to spend my time during recess. At the same time, I embraced my actual enjoyment of being learning in school and would no longer feel ashamed of being good at it. That’s where I became even more outspoken and would be up for intellectual and opinionated discussions with some people that eventually became good friends to me, which is another story I’ve shared before as well J

 I started allowing myself to be me, surely. But! I do recognize I would take it to that extreme at times and how the whole starting point was also to kind of ‘spite’ the rejection or perception of ‘being left out’ by other groups of girls to the point where I simply stopped wanting to be a part of it, and it truly was for the best in my own eyes based on the kind of habits they got into and ‘ways of having fun’ that I just realized were not at all for me, and I regretted in a way the time I spent trying to fit in. But at the same time, it would still come up with this sort of ‘superiority’ sense that was there as a driving force because of still carrying the inferiority experience of being left out or not fitting in according to what I believed was ‘the right thing to do’

This is how this ‘courageous self’ did contain some spite towards that previous ‘me’ that was too sensitive, trying to fit in, feeling left out and still going through similar experiences as I did in early elementary school where I could not entirely understand people and their desire to talk nastily about others, leave out others on purpose or be simply mean to others. This always felt entirely wrong yet at the same time If I would stand my ground, it would mean I would be alone and I feared it at the time. 

I only decided to embrace that aloneness until I was in high school and it was only when I went to art school in my university that I genuinely felt ‘at the right place’ for the most part. Until! I also started walking this process and then another isolation phase emerged, a much tougher one where I placed into question this ‘rebellious’ personality and so it has taken me years to redefine my starting point of how I’ve ‘become me’ as I currently am – however, again, I never realized it was a form of spite in fact. Now I see how that played out, which is good to know in order to not repeat the same again.

What opened up in my dream is how even though I stopped wanting to ‘fit in’ with certain people at school, around that time in high school I also started hanging out with people I believed were ‘the kind of people I wanted to be a part of’ which, were mostly people that would define themselves as ‘different,’ or ‘outcasts’ and they became my best friends and first relationships where I truly felt ‘I belonged’.

What I didn’t see before until now based on the dream and also upon listening to this life review is that, I continued compromising myself or manipulating myself to now be liked or accepted by these ‘new’ individuals in my life, because I still felt that even if we liked the same stuff – preference-based relationships – we had very different principles in fact. I don’t regret it either because those were the relationships that enabled me to understand or get to know more about how our minds work, what emotions can create and get to know some depths into the lives of people that would ‘shape’ themselves in this particular ‘antagonistic’ way.  I went along to get to know those that were ‘riding with the devil’ so to speak and I understand that this was almost like an investigative process – as I believe my entire life is lol – to get to understand how these people functioned.

The point of my dream is that I saw myself hanging out with a person from such past times and it seemed like a present time interaction, and I would still compromise myself in saying ‘yes’ or ‘ok’ to things that I didn’t really want to say ’yes’ or ‘ok’ to. It was even a bit more eye-opening when I woke up and I recalled the dream and I almost saw it as if ‘nothing had really happened’ in it. It took me some time to see deeper and recognize how it was quite obvious that I was compromising myself again with that same person, that I would still fear to say ‘No’ to or simply not go along with their plan, because there was still this desire to fit in, to be accepted by this person, and that is where I realized that as much as I believe I have walked through that pattern, the fact that in my dream I still decided to ‘go along with’ and not stand up as in being honest with myself about what I am willing to do or not, means that this aspect is still existing within me. Not surprising though because that’s how most things go when we are working with stuff in our minds, we are not ever really ‘done’ with something because there are many layers to things and experiences we go through in our lives.

I also found it relevant that it came through with the image of a person that caused a big impact in my life for many, many years and how as much as I believe that I’ve ‘overcome’ the whole relationship, my dream came back to let me know “Hmm, I don’t think so!” Lol! There are many layers to things and I am in fact grateful for my dream in letting me know: Hey! You still said ‘yes’ when you clearly were uncomfortable and didn’t want to ‘go along with the plan’ and doing stuff that you are not really into anymore. So why did I say yes?

Wanting to be liked, wanting to be accepted, wanting to preserve certain relationship that I deemed as impossible or almost like a trophy-like situation due to how I perceive this person to be a ‘difficult’ one to be liked by. It is as if I made it a point to be liked by people that have a hard time socializing or have a hard time being understood or being liked by others and then, I would find ways to be one of the ‘few’ that they can get along with – some kind of ‘elitism’ if you will but in a weird way. The reality is that it wasn’t a genuine getting along with, because I would not be fully being honest about what I wanted to do or not, I just would agree and say yes because of that desire to be part of their lives or make them feel ‘right’ which is another aspect of pleasing others as compromise and also as a way to suppress oneself. Why would I do it? To regard myself as ‘better than’ others, to create some form of ‘specialness’ in me based on how others would deem those people as being ‘difficult to deal with,’ I wanted to be ‘the one’ that could make them feel like they were alright and belonged…. I projected my own ‘neediness’ onto them, that’s for sure.

That single point right there of believing that I should ‘do whatever it takes to be part of someone’s life’ is a big point of self-compromise. What exists behind it is suppressing what I really want to be and do. For a young girl this might seem like something ‘common’ to do, but in looking back what I see is all the bits and aspects of myself that would be compromised because of not wanting to ‘let others down’ and disappoint them in whichever expectations I believed they had about who I am and my relationship to them.

This is where the tendency to ‘live someone else’s life’ emerged as well, where I lost track of who I was because all that I did was ‘tag along’ and be like the wallflower that is always there and going along with whatever plan someone else has for me. It was submissive from my side, but I believed that would get me to live the life that I wanted… well! I eventually realized it wasn’t – and thank god for that. This also has to do with having an erroneous sense of what a relationship is, where I believed that I had to agree to everything the other person would think, say and act upon in order to ‘keep the relationship going’ and in that, I didn’t embrace my capacity to dissent and with that, stop living in fear of losing a person or relationship in my life, which was the actual fear existing behind it.

Why did I do that? Because at that time I felt that these were ‘the only people I could ever get along with’ even if their lives didn’t share the same core principles as mine… we had ‘similar personalities’ and ‘similar preferences’ and tastes in music, art, etc. But of course, back then I had no idea of how ‘who they came to be’ was also the rebellious-kind as a way to ‘spite back’ everyone else that would criticize or judge them for ‘not fitting in.’ We were united in our own weaknesses in essence, but I had no way of seeing that or realizing it as I do now.

So, this is a form of ‘ism’ that I lived back then, getting along with people that were outcasts or ‘rebels’ and believing that if I would still feel like I didn’t belong there, then ‘Oh my god! I would not belong anywhere!’ And that, my friends, is the one biggest lie I guess most people fall for when growing up, the idea that we have to ‘fit in’ and compromise, and suppress what one really wants to do because “oh no! they can’t see me alone! I can’t go to the movies alone! I can’t be living on my own! I can’t say I ‘go out’ and go by myself!” And so what did I end up doing for some good five years in my life after I decided to stop wanting to ‘fit in’? I was by myself, I tested my ability to be without relationships and get to embrace me, being me, seeing what I genuinely like to do, what I enjoy doing on my own and that was a beneficial phase in my life of which I eventually realized I also had to step back from and in a way, re-insert myself back into society if you will. It is not like I became a hermit in fact, I would still go to school and get along with people, I just didn’t cultivate any ‘deep relationships’ in reality, except for a few online friends, which I appreciate and were a supportive ground for me even if not in ‘the physical world’ – it was a form of physicality still J

That was a cool testing ground for me to embrace my aloneness and I was sharing about this with a friend yesterday because, somehow we have this ingrained belief that we have to fit in or be accepted by others and that such thing means we have to ‘be entirely like them’ which is actually limiting, because I am discovering the ‘richness’ that there is with people when we gather as individuals and simply realize that there are no ‘two’ or more that are exactly ‘the same’ of course, lol, it’s so simple but it’s still interesting to me how much this idea of ‘fitting in’ or ‘be accepted’ formed a major point of compromise in me.

It is now refreshing or liberating to know that I have no problem in going to certain places on my own while in the past, it would be a simple No-no to go alone to say, the movies. Or go alone on trips or go alone to visit museums or go to concerts alone… I’ve done all of that and I enjoy it. But I also realized that I do enjoy and want to share my life with others and that’s basically where I was able to create a relationship where I can do that and test myself to not compromise, to express me and not hold back or not try and ‘fit in’ anymore lol because there’s really nothing to ‘fit into’ really. I am now at a point within me where I can be me and that been quite liberating and enjoyable. I realize that it wasn’t really ‘others’ that were the problem, but the ways I separated myself from others by defining them in some kind of ‘specialness aura’ that I believed I had to ‘be up to the standards’ for.

I actually thought that I would ‘always’ have to compromise myself in order to be with others – yep! That’s the bugger-belief there, but I’m glad I have realized it doesn’t have to be like that and I explained before how there are simply agreements and working around points to embrace someone else in your life, but that doesn’t represent self-compromise as I’ve described at the beginning of the blog, which is great.  

As I mentioned in my last blog on compromise, once that you start living your truth and not compromise any further, it seems that the ‘right people’ arrive at your life or you get to be somehow ‘attracted’ to them in the sense of wanting to talk to them, wanting to get to know them more, or simply by the kind of interest and questions they bring up you kind of realize hey, they seem to be in the same ‘wavelength’ as I am – lol.

And that’s essentially how you can get to find people that are similar in principles of how they live their lives, and when doing this without a desire or need to ‘be in a relationship’ or within a fear of ‘not wanting to end up alone’ – then, cool things open up in sharing your life with others that may also be already quite comfortable on their own. That is also liberating, to not compromise to now ‘hold on’ to someone and ‘fear losing’ someone, or wanting to be ‘accepted’ by someone and within that, lose parts of ourselves that we might regret later on not expressing, or when we believe that we can ‘only be that’ with certain people… our expression is our expression and different aspects of ourselves emerge with different people, so that’s why it’s also cool to meet various kinds of people as different aspects emerge with each one of them, and that’s enjoyable.

So here’s some forgiveness on the points that emerged in my dream to finalize this writing:

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to say ‘Yes’ in the dream to doing things that I actually didn’t want to do and felt somehow compelled to say ‘yes’ just because of having an idea of that one person being and representing the kind of people I thought I wanted to belong to or be a part of, not realizing that the idea of belonging or being a part of a finite group of people is an idea that stems from a desire to be ‘more’ or ‘special’ or ‘different’ to others that I would not be trying to relate to. Therefore believing that I was going to ‘get something good’ out of doing that which this person wanted to do.

I realize that the moment that I go into a constriction within me to do things or behave in a certain way to ‘get along’ with others is me compromising myself, and how that causes me to suppress an aspect of who I am for the sake of ‘being liked, being accepted’ by another – instead of seeing that no one can define me and who I am based on them liking or accepting me or not.

I also realize that I don’t have to ‘belong’ anywhere because I am already part of the whole that we all are J Wanting to ‘belong’ exists as a construct of separation, of specialness, of ‘superiority’ based on how I have defined that person in my life in the past as ‘unique’ and ‘different,’ and ‘intelligent’ and believing that I had to be liked, appreciated or regarded as special by them in order to ‘feel good’ about myself…. Nope, no one can really define my experience or how I feel about myself or who I am at the eyes of others, but myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give value and worth to this person in my memories based on the many social contacts he has and how he is in my own eyes regarded as someone that is ‘special’ and ‘unique’ or a ‘one of a kind’ person that seems to be liked by everyone, and in that, desiring to be liked by him as a form of social clout that I could create and so be ‘accepted’ or embraced by people that I thought would be also cool, unique, special in my past, and within that, manipulating me, my genuine expression, behavior and preference just to ‘be part of’ such groups of people.

I have come to realize that I can be me, that I actually had to be me and yes, that left me cutting off some of these relationships and in retrospective, it was for the best because of having very different living principles and as much as I believed it would be close to ‘impossible’ or ‘very hard’ to find people with similar principles, I realize that I found them. Most are living around the world and are part Desteni as well, and a few others I’ve come to know by a similar principle that I explained above when it comes to establishing communication and developing relationships with people that have a similar foundation and one gets to come in contact with them by serendipity.

So, I would say it’s not even something someone has to find because once that one decides to be honest about who one is and how one really wants to be and what one really wants to do, then such people also ‘arrive’ at one’s life one way or another.  

Point to learn? To not compromise one’s expression, one’s truth for the sake of ‘being in a relationship’ or ‘fitting in’ with certain groups of people. How else are we going to stop recreating the compromising that exists in society today if we don’t dare to be authentic and unique? It is not ‘easy’ if you, like me, have had tough times in trying to be ‘part of the squad’ type of thing before. But, when looking back, I am glad that even if I allowed compromise in my life in many ways, I did step out of it and placed a complete halt on situations that I knew were not going to enable me to live me, express me and so enjoy being me. And that’s great, because then I got to know more of my capacity, my limits and my weaknesses as well, which I continue to work with identifying and so strengthening of course.

As a last point, as a result of being walking this process with Desteni I’ve come to definitely enjoy being me. I can say I am no longer live this ‘authentic self’ based on spiting others, or attempting to ‘go against the grain’ as what I perceive the majority of society is or does.  I have worked on stopping the ‘rebellious act’ as an act of fighting against, and instead live the understanding of what I once was and how I can simply now live and express myself and test out how that goes in various situations. I do want to encourage anyone to dare to step out of any form of compromise and realize that trusting ourselves and learning from daring to be ourselves is the road to be authentic in fact – at least that’s how I am seeing it at the moment.

That way there is no longer a sense or perception of having to please or belong to etc. It’s just an “I am me and you are you and we share and enjoy learning from each other” type of thing. This is what living in equality sounds like to me, and it’s totally doable, takes self-work and self-change, but totally worth it.  

Thanks for reading and if you want to nurture your life to have the right set of tools on how to approach virtually any problem or situation you are facing or changing in your life, check out the Eqafe Unlimited plan. You will see you’re worth it.

 

My previous blog on the topic:

538. Living Authenticity 

authentic self

 

 

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631. Notes on Compromise

 

Compromise:     the expedient acceptance of standards that are lower than is desirable.

Living compromise in my case has been existent mostly in the consideration of the relationships that I allowed myself to form in the past. Within the starting point of taking it back to self – and so not focusing on the others related to me this way – I realized how this allowance of something ‘less’ than what I could actually create for me and for the best have to do with a sense of self-deprecation and even ‘worthlessness’ that existed in me, wherein any form of relationships would reflect back what I was accepting and allowing with me. So they all were there in my life in accordance to ‘where I was’ in my life and as such, there is nothing to regret about because I’ve come to understand the process that I took in order to realize what I am seeing now.

We had a group chat on Friday where the point of pleasing people opened up. I couldn’t relate at first to pleasing per se, but I did recognize it in relation to how I would do things, shape myself in accordance to what I thought was more liked by others within a relationship. There were a few wherein I didn’t do it, but then compromise would show in other ways such as deciding to be with people that I thought I could eventually change and assist them in getting to some kind of ‘ideal’ expression or living potential – it never happened because of course, my starting point was focused on ‘them’ and not on being the best for myself, of doing and being those aspects I was seeking to change in others – it is common sense that if you are living the best of you, by default you won’t allow anything less than what you are living in terms of choosing who to share your life with.

I am focusing here on relationships because it is that one point we total choose to be in – well, at least it’s how it goes in most part of the world. So here I’m not talking about the necessary compromise that exists in other aspects of life like jobs and ways to make money to survive in this world, it’s merely about how we relate to others in relationships.

The reality is that when one starts living more of one’s truth, everything that doesn’t ‘fit the compromise shoe’ starts sticking out like a rotten fruit that needs to go – or rots the rest of the fruit. It becomes uncomfortable not because it represents a healthy challenge or an out of the comfort zone point of support, but because one realizes it is becoming a suppressing situation, one where there’s more of a ‘relationship management,’ going on, there’s more ‘lacks’ emerging, ‘longings’ and ‘ideas of how things can be’ and more things that ‘subtly bother me but I let it go by because, who knows? Maybe it changes later!’ or those moments where there’s this ‘slight’ seemingly subtle ‘sinking’ whenever one knows that one is not living one’s full expression in order to fit some kind of shoe we believe we ‘must be in’ to be liked or be okay with someone else in a relationship. Or even to ‘be in a relationship’ in itself, while it’s actually totally fine and ok if one genuinely decides to be alone and step out of the belief that ‘one needs to be in a relationship.’

Sometimes this pattern of conditioning and compromise goes well accepted in our society, simply because we believe we ‘can’t do any better’ or we just have to ‘suck the pain in’ and hope for better times. It has been baffling to me to get to know stories of how far women – and yes also males but mostly females in fact – stay in abusive relationships because of believing that they ‘love’ the other person or that without a man they are nothing, or for financial reasons and many kids in line, they have to stick to relationships that are very toxic. I haven’t been in such extreme situations, but I have been in relationships where I know that I am not living the totality of myself, that I am somehow trying to fit a shoe that doesn’t support me in fact – yet I still have put it on while secretly questioning my decision, and being in constant over analyzing of the situation and desiring for certain changes that I then go into hope and expectancy that ‘the other’ person eventually gets to in their lives and so consequently, in the relationship.

 

How I see it currently is that the creation of a relationship that is supportive comes along with ‘where we currently are’ within our lives, comes along with the kind of principles – or lack thereof – we are living in our lives. In essence, the ‘who we are’ is then going to reflect the kind of people we choose to be with. Many of us have gone into relationships out of need, out of wanting to ‘fulfill’ some aspect or some ‘existential void’ with a relationship and that is simply  meant to fail, because one is not entering a relationship as a fulfilled being, but seeking the comfort and dare I say ‘fulfillment’ in another. Well, I’ve been there myself a few times in the past and it’s a recipe for disaster.

There have been other times where I believed I was quite fulfilled within me and didn’t need to be with someone to represent that ‘fulfillment’ for me, but I still allowed myself to be in situations where something inside me knew things could be better, and not in the sense of ‘without conflict at all’ or being ‘better’ in an idealized way, but more in the sense that there is this untapped potential within me that I could in fact develop with someone that could be ‘ready’ for that. So, this is where the point of letting go of compromise comes as an understanding really. It is not about dismissing situations for seeing them as ‘less than’ but perhaps as being in different stages in life where personal development can be either diminished and suppressed or catalyzed in certain relationships or living decisions.

This is also where it enables me to see that if I live what’s best for me, it in fact becomes best for all. I’ve seen how in accepting and allowing compromise in me, it invariably affects the other person and everyone else that could be affected by it, because I’m not living my truth, the potential of who I can be and that becomes a series of diminishing steps that don’t support life in fact.

In terms of relationships, it’s about wanting the best for everyone involved. If a relationship is clearly not supporting someone, if it becomes something that is more about ‘managing’ one or the other, or about seeing ‘what the emotional experience is in the other’ or fearing certain attitudes in one another, or being over-vigilant about what the other one might be thinking, or how things are not working, or how things don’t seem right, or how I ‘should be in order to keep him/her happy’ then what do we know? We are compromising ourselves, we are not living our truth. It’s also about self-honesty and asking these questions not within the starting point of leaving ‘all the work’ to the other, but being honest about doing what it takes to make something work as with everything else.

I can say I have had compromised in every single relationship in the past. I have only now discovered and come to understand what it is to actually live me, be me with all my ups and downs, my qualities and my defects and not have anything to hide towards another, because that’s how I live my truth and now I know there’s people that’s up for taking that in, yes, that ‘intensity’ that I can be in my openness and not having any qualms about things, and how demanding I can also get to be – which yes I know I need to work on, but still, cool to know someone can understand such demanding nature as well. I enjoy the support that I can get from another that has a similar personal stance with his own life so that we don’t take bs from each other lol, it makes things fun and supportive in fact, because we don’t take things so seriously yet we point them out, because we know that our willingness to transcend the momentary bs is far greater than remaining ‘stuck’ in it or in an ‘experience.’

But I realize that as ‘easy’ as it might sound, it isn’t. It’s not like I got lucky only. Everything was a series of decisions that I took to get to where I am within myself to then decide to be with someone that supports the best in me, because this implies I am first doing and being and living that best for me. And also, it is not ‘honey over chips’ in a relationship where no compromise exists in such terms – of course there IS compromise, but it’s things that simply come with the living together of two individuals and what one is willing to live with – but to me the aspects that are relevant in relation to personal integrity, living habits and expression, are a supportive platform for me to live on currently.

It is only now that I can look back and see to what extent I ‘went’ to be liked, appreciated, to ‘fit in’ according to what I believe would make the relationship work, what I was willing to do in order to ‘make things work’ etc. The list goes on and the details are not even relevant because it is about the action, this ‘lesser of me’ being accepted where I know I ‘chip off’ a bit of myself and in that, it becomes a point of compromise.

Who knows if I am speaking from a place where I can still be living compromise and not be aware of it? But as I said before, I will eventually know as I continue deconstructing this personality system within me and continue focusing on self-development and self-creation. For now this is my current stance and I found it relevant to share about it because perhaps someone is going through similar experiences, having thoughts like ‘this is as as good as it gets’ when it comes to relationships, but I am now aware that you can indeed be with someone that is there ‘walking with’ side by side with you, instead of feeling like one or the other has to ‘drag’ the other to get to the top of the mountain. I did that in the past, but can’t also judge me for my choices because as I said, they reflect who I was at the time and that’s how I can now simply look back and forgive myself for it, because I know it is entirely ‘who I was’ in relation to ‘relationships’ at the time.

For now, I see that there is a foundation built for me to be the best of myself and a relationship can’t be ‘it’ for anyone. It is a companionship, but the rest is entirely up to me. Before I would take the relationship in itself as ‘the project’ to focus on, and it doesn’t have to be that way, that I don’t have to accept compromise, to have that ‘sinking’ feeling when being with someone, to fear losing someone, to fear not ‘being the best’ with another or to be in all kinds of fears and paranoia of ‘where they are at’ in their minds and lives, or expecting others to change. It then becomes another burden or ‘point to work through’ rather than being a platform of self-support and self-development.  It becomes much easier to be with someone that has a similar standing in life, because then the focus is on the mutual support to learn from each other, live and grow – not on managing ever present emotions or subtle experiences and frictions… Now I see how it feels to be living in compromise, and perhaps one can only realize one is living compromise when you step out of it and look back to realize how such compromise existed. At the same time I’m learning to focus on the present, on what’s here, on what I can be grateful for creating for me in my life and choosing essentially that which is supportive for my being.

It is ok to realize that not everyone can simply ‘bond’ with someone else based on preferences or similar mindset. Now I realize that perhaps it is the seemingly opposite worlds that complement themselves the most, because it’s not about having similar preferences, but principles, not similar personalities but similar disposition to learn and change in order to make something work like it is within a relationship. It is another kind of compromise, with ‘concessions’ where acceptances and allowances are made on both sides, in aspects that do not affect the main principles in which a relationship is built on, but adjustments that are meant to be there based on living with another person and embracing them as part of your life.

It takes two to tango, can’t expect things to work if only one is having the disposition… or perhaps it can, it really depends on what each person is willing to live with – accept and allow – I now know what is possible and what I see works best for me. This is what self honesty is, this is where I can’t make rules of this, because this is my current truth and stance – who knows? It can change in time, but for now I check within me and I’m clear, I have nothing holding me back in relation to the place where I’m at in terms of my life within a relationship – it’s the other way around for me at the moment, learning a lot each other, it is as if I at last I have the opportunity to be supported by another in a genuine way, instead of placing me on the supporter role only. Perhaps this is also a perception, but! I also have to be less apologetic in the sense of not wanting to sound ‘too dismissive’ – it is what it is really – and if it is best for me and others, I am sure this is what we all want for each other person, to be able to live their truth and be the best they can be no matter how or with whom. So this is also a cool note about compromise, where we believe that we are doing something ‘good’ for another by sticking with them even if that implies not being the best for ourselves…. Wrong… that invariably leads to their compromise as well one way or another, so best for all means, not accepting any lesser that what is possible for each one at any given moment in life.

 

There are a bunch of other things where I know I am compromising myself as in not living the best of myself and that’s where instead of focusing on ‘the lack’ I will be focusing on how to create, otherwise it again becomes a point to ‘fulfill’ through something/someone in separation of me.

 

Ok thanks for reading Sonrisa 

 

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619. Learning From Relationships

 

I listened to three audios on Eqafe that I find essential to listen for everyone, considering how most of us – or so far I’ve only known one person in my life that was not interested in having a relationship – are usually looking for and aiming to ‘find that ONE person’ to establish a relationship with.  Here are the titles: Fear of Missing Out on a Fulfilling Relationship – Fears & Phobias, Using Relationships to Hide From Myself – Life Review, Time Alone Before Time Together – Life Review.

When I listened to the Life Review specifically, I could relate to what the woman shared with regards to the little time spent without and in between relationships and how that affected her in disconnecting from herself, from who she was and how much the constant seeking for a relationship made her dependent on the ‘other’ person to be complete within herself – this might be a bit of a vague description on my side, so I definitely recommend you listen to her story yourself. But! here I’m focusing on sharing what opened up for me as I was listening to her story.

First of all realizing that I have been in such kind of situation where I would end a relationship and start another one right away, not spending time alone to reconsider where I am and who I have been in the relationship –  in terms of what were my lessons learned, points expanded, faults, mistakes, things I can be grateful for etc. – and instead jumping into the next relationship. This is probably one of those weakest points I’ve had throughout my life and one that I have been particularly – secretly – ashamed of because it is obvious that it involves a lack of honesty towards myself within relationships in terms of what I can accept and allow, what I can commit to and how I have disregarded the consequences and the effect that me changing my mind about relationships can have on the partner and people around as well.

I share this because I do consider it vital to apply what the woman shares about her story, to be able to take some time off from relationships in order to ‘get back to oneself’. I’ve done both things and will share my experience in both situations.

There was a time that I’ve recently in my mind judged as very bleak, lonely and fruitless, this happened when I was living in Mexico City and I deliberately decided to learn to be alone – in a rather ‘extreme’ way to be alone I’d say – being then fully aware of my tendency to become dependent on being ‘always there’ for other people, being the kind of partner that lives the life of the partner and has none of her own – I decided to learn to be by myself –that means without relationships – and learn to know what I enjoy doing, learn to be comfortable being alone and doing things alone, going out shopping, to the movies, living on my own. Yes, maybe I took it to the extreme in terms of the lack of interaction I had with other people – including family and friends – but that’s something I am also now learning to do in terms of not being too extreme in the way that I decide to change things. So, in a nutshell, I call it my monkish period, and as much as in my mind I’ve judged it as a generally ‘bleak’ time, when I recently looked deeper into it to not resent my choices at that time, I see that such years were dedicated to live ‘me’, to know me better, to learn to be alone, to learn to do things that I decide to do – not that someone else ‘takes me’ to do – and there was a sense of independence formed that I would not trade off or change, because it assisted me to see where and how I compromised myself many times for the sake of being in a relationship and existing in fear of ‘losing’ something that I now know was not best for me, was constantly emotional, troublesome and detrimental to my expression and my living.

Then I got to a point where I decided I could establish a relationship again and I did, again looking back not having the best starting point because it did come from having formed an experience of alones at the time, but I tried to make it work nonetheless. I had settled in one relationship believing I could change the person, conforming in certain ways to make it work and taking the compromise lightly to say the least, not fully being aware of the commitment that I was making at the time and the challenges it represented. But I wanted to make it work for both of us, which didn’t happen. At least I proved to myself that I could fully and absolutely commit to another and still see that even if I am doing all that I can to assist and be ‘there’ for another, it takes two to tango to stand on the same page. I broke that relationship even if there were legal formalities formed with it.

After that, I had a few months to yes go through the sorrow, pain and ‘disconnection’ process from that relationship but I did decide to enter a new relationship after that; though fortunately enough did still have the opportunity to be alone and process through all of the things that I had accepted and allowed – created – in the previous relationship. But still, I do consider that I went ahead too fast and without much consideration of the implication of making such decisions not only for myself, but for the other person as well. This year I repeated the same, because of not having had that needed time to ground myself around relationships and one thing I can tell is that unless one has an understanding partner that has full awareness of the previous relationship patterns, it can be a disaster recipe to go jumping from one relationship to another.

I was in a way fortunate that my partner was understanding of it all, not that he approves of what I’ve done and my relationship habits, but again, he is aware and he made a decision to stand with me anyways and understood that I had things to process from my previous relationships at the same time as starting a new one. The thing that I want to share is how it’s not a bright idea to not give oneself time to be alone after a relationship ends, it can lead to not fully considering things in terms of what one is able to commit to and the effect it may have by making a decision without proper time for reflection, for personal assessment of the mistakes, the things allowed, the points that one needs to self-forgive and work through, because it does ‘filter’ or ‘spill through’ to the new relationship and it may lead to ruin if one does not handle the situation with proper sense of responsibility and communicating about it and again, having a partner that can understand and not take it personally either.

So from my recent experience, this kind of situation led to a great amount of stress that I became unaware of – apparently – and I became sick or having certain health issues almost on a regular basis for the past months. This can also be a narrow perspective on my health situation, but this is what I’ve concluded recently, that I put myself under a lot of stress because of the decisions I made in relation to relationships, where not being honest with myself and towards others led me to compromise myself and that became an ingredient to constantly be thinking of guilt, burdening myself with the ‘wrong doings’ while at the same time starting a new relationship and opening up all the potentials that this entails. It’s not a great thing to walk an ending and a beginning simultaneously – point learned.

I would not be able to share this from a clearer view currently if it wasn’t for the process that I did to self-forgive myself for my decisions, my actions and mistakes,  my short-sights and also forgiving myself for the damage caused to others by my lack of consideration or selfishness that this kind of situations entail. However, I also understood that there’s no point in continuing to flagellate myself emotionally, all that I can do is learn from it and know that I cannot repeat this kind of behavior again in my life, or I’d be simply falling again into my old patterns that I’ve worked on already. I did judge myself because of wanting to ‘make things right’ and ‘work through it’ and in a way being in disbelief that I could have managed to ‘repeat myself’ in patterns that I thought I had changed over the ‘monkish’ phase of being alone and without relationships – but, as I now know, I cannot be sure that something is entirely ‘clear’ and ‘transcended’ within me at all, it always takes a daily – constant – decision to act in the way that is right, that is supportive, that is considering consequences, that is responsible and self-honest for myself and for others that I have an effect on.

Currently I assess my situation on a constant basis when it comes to my relationship, because it has enabled me to see where I could be compromising myself or constructively compare how I have now seen that I was compromising myself before when trying to ‘be’ something for someone else in a relationship.  When I decided to be in this relationship, I did take the time to consider who I wanted to be in it and what would be of myself IF the relationship simply doesn’t work, knowing I could stand on my own two feet as well. So, I might have taken a ‘big risk’ considering  the rushed and somewhat risky decision making processes I’ve taken in the past without much ‘thought’ into my relationships, but this time I did make sure to entirely be ‘me’ making the decision and fully taking the responsibility for what I decide to make of it. 

I did take the time to assess the person, even if it was a relative short amount of time of doing this, there were characteristics that stood out for me enough to consider how this could work through, which included sharing with him the process I’ve walked with relationships, the weaknesses, the mistakes I’ve made, the dishonesties, the repetitive patterns I’ve had and that I still have such points to work through for me, to reestablish my self-trust in relationships – with all the past disclosed – and this is now where I can prove to myself that I can stand in an equal manner in loyalty, honor, respect and integrity that such person has given to himself throughout his life, which I am currently learning a lot from as well.

It is not my position to share his views here, but in a way I do want to do it, because he’s that person I mentioned at the beginning that has been known by everyone – and himself – to not desire a relationship or ‘lust’ over women at all. Everyone had always asked him when he would have a relationship and he always said that wasn’t something he was looking for, explicitly not interested on because he knew himself as a different kind of person that would find it hard to find a woman that could ‘stand’ through his ways of living life and the principles he has. He just wanted to work and focus on bettering his life. Well, that kind of approach led him to learn to live and be for himself the best that he can be. He is probably one of the few people I know that loves himself and regards himself as a self-made man that wasn’t always dedicated and hardworking to get to be who he is now, but made a decision to step out of the shadows and strive to do what he was told was ‘impossible’ for him to achieve. That sort of strength made him aware of his capacity and potential, which is part of the characteristics that I saw made him a ‘whole’ man already, not really looking or searching or being ‘needy’ for anything or anyone to ‘complete’ him or make him feel ‘better’ about himself.

This is how he considers that most people should not constantly go jumping from one relationship to another, but be able to be alone even for the rest of their lives if necessary, because they are not yet the best for and towards themselves. This view is perceived as too ‘extreme’ by his friends, but I’ve come to understand his point based on what he has lived and what I have lived and the consequences I’ve faced because of having held this constant belief that ‘I need to be in a relationship’ and the outflow this has. I’m not saying that this is how it’s supposed to be, but simply different ways to approach the relationships. Mine was more ‘trial and error’ and yes causing consequences for me and for others, his was more of a holistic approach of deciding to be in a relationship if and when the right person would exist for that.

Of course, he is now in a relationship and that may seem contradictory for many, but he explains how this is the first relationship he’s ever had – and took it to the level of absolute commitment and responsibility, which has led him to explore and open up many more ways of enjoyment in life, more than the ones that he already had been living on his own. I don’t want to sound like I’m praising him, but I do want to share  this because I’ve noticed how many strengths are built through deciding to be ‘the best for you’, to learn to be a man – or a woman – for oneself first, to learn to love, care, be the joy of our own lives instead of expecting something or someone to come and ‘save us’ or ‘fulfill’ our lives in one way or another. So, his usual perspective or ‘advice’ to anyone is to learn to be alone and learn to be ok with themselves, letting go of the notion of needing a relationship – and even better, to not participate or create a habit in desiring sex or porn or that sort of mental-masturbation in relation to women – or the opposite sex – at all, which leads to a genuine discovery of physical expression in a relationship, probably something that most people ‘seek out’ through mind stimulation and my take is that this pollutes or ‘disconnects’ us from the ‘hereness’, the physical development of actual touch and clear-mindedness so to speak required in a developing a physical relationship. This is not only related to sexual expression, but also in relation to fully focusing on being with the one person you decide to be with and not entertaining any thoughts, ideas, beliefs or glances at something or ‘someone else out there’ that ‘could be better’ than the relationship one has decided to be in.

What I’ve gathered from my time with him is how it truly takes that sort of diligence to honor and respect oneself and not exist solely for the idea of a ‘relationship’ as something to ‘get to’ or ‘find’ as an absolute goal in one’s life. It seems that as one focuses and works on fulfilling oneself and becoming that person that one enjoys looking at in the mirror – and not only for appearance level – but for the person one shapes of oneself – then one simply aligns with people that are on that same ‘track’ so to speak in their life, and that’s how you meet and realize that it is something that can work as a betterment platform for both, which was my approach as well when deciding to establish this relationship. We both agreed that this was going to be a relationship of two fulfilled individuals walking together, me knowing that if I decide to no longer be in the relationship, he’s not going to be ‘needing’ me as such, but will continue his life and endeavors as usual and vice versa – communication and understanding and assessment at any time.  The relative ease with which this agreement-  as he also called it – was able to be established is simply because of seeing the affinity in our ways of thinking and living and our principles and the way of living as well as our aims in life. I am fully aware some of my views are not that ‘popular’ with regular people, because they may sound too ‘out there’ or ‘difficult to achieve’- but not for him.  Then it is simply like two notes resonating at the same level that consider they can join in and create a harmony that will better the sound in each other’s life – and that’s what it currently is and has been.

There are so many more things that I’ve been learning about myself in relation to him in that have opened my eyes to see what kind of limitations I was making ‘ok’ within previous relationships, where and how I was not being honest with myself and rather molding or making myself ‘comfortable ‘about things that I wasn’t entirely willing to live with, but made it all ‘ok’ because of the idea that no one can be perfect and that I would always have to kind of ‘struggle’ in a relationship – now I know it doesn’t have to be this way. And I’m not saying this is currently perfect, but now I know that there can be people that can be at that same level of self-awareness and self will to live a different life than most people, which is what I’m here to do in this world, to continue cutting through the mold and not limit my expression, my ‘wacky’ way of being that I have come to re-ignite and rediscover within myself, something that makes me enjoy life more and something that I had judged as ‘not fit’ for everyone’s taste and so believing I had to be more ‘accommodating’ for others. In a nutshell, I’ve come to be aware of self-compromise, which is also one  tendency I’ve had in relationships where I kind of sink into the background and mold myself to fit into the idea of who I believe the other person wants me to be – even if this is most of the times my own projection.

The bottom line is that even if one can make ‘mistakes’ in relationships, the point is to always learn more about oneself, to use each opportunity one has to share one’s life and expression with another to learn more about who we are with each person, and yes unfortunately at times getting to also know the ‘darker’ aspects of ourselves – not to be turned into something necessarily bad or evil – simply recognizing that there are things that may be subtle at first but eventually build up or accumulate to compromise, to diminish ourselves even in the most ‘unnoticeable’ ways and I say ‘unfortunately’ – yet at the same time, I would not have known otherwise if I had not made mistakes and learned to see where I truly want to be in terms of standing in a relationship with someone else, first of all checking – on a constant basis – not to limit, diminish or compromise me in order to ‘be’ in a relationship as a need point.

So, having said this, I now realize that as painful, troublesome and consequential it is, mistakes allow us to also see the paths that we don’t want to follow through. Sure, it’s best when we can identify this earlier on and not have situations escalate and have more consequential breakups, but I now see that this is something quite specific for me to face based on the life that I had lived before I started this process with Desteni, my ‘processing’ done in that alone time and how I do realize how easy it is to slip back into old programming if not fully considering one’s actions and acting again on a ‘whim’ so to speak, making decisions without giving myself time to know first of all where I stand and then where I would want to stand in relation to someone else.

Based on my experience and the example I shared about my partner and how he led his life, I see that the best thing one can do is to give oneself time to learn to BE for oneself, to learn to truly love and appreciate yourself first, to be that one person that you can enjoy living with so that no matter who you join your life with – or not at all – you continue being whole and complete by yourself, so that 1+1 equals 2 instead of being existing as a half that seeks another half to create a codependent relationship that most likely ends up in compromise, diminishment and harm towards one another.

A relationship is a platform of support to become a better person, to grow, to learn from each other, to communicate openly without holding back or secrets, to express openly, to test and try new ways of living and expressing without judgment, to walk through disagreements and challenges with understanding – but! to do all of these great things takes a lot of self-work first, otherwise we base our entire ‘wellbeing’ on another person ‘all of this’ for us, and that’s where the fuckup usually is. So! Self first, always, then the rest of the people or situations that may come into our live become opportunities of expansion, a complement that can be beneficial not only for the people in the relationship but also for those that surround the relationship and for whatever is created within the relationship, which becomes an example of what a supportive relationship can be in a world where most exist in consequences and conflict – my personal view and experience here.

Ok so that’s it, again, listen to the Eqafe recordings, they are a great eye opener to understand more of what I shared here as my ups and downs, my faults, my points to learn and correct through relationships.

Can also learn to do this through the Relationship Course in Desteni which assisted me to ground many of the foundations that I now realize have to be lived in a very disciplined way of establishing self-honesty within self, otherwise they become nice principles on paper only – as always, the key is to live it and REALLY stick to Doing it.

Thanks for reading

 

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Day 38: Inconsiderate Blackmail

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts about me being ‘inconsiderate’ toward other people, wherein I allowed myself to have ‘second thoughts’ about my communication wherein I essentially compromised my ability to be directive, straightforward and frank in every single moment – and instead having accessed the past  familiar pattern of  ‘not wanting to be harsh’/ not wanting to sound rude  out of fearing hurting others’ feelings, and in that, compromising my ability to speak self-honestly about myself and my experience due to fear of speaking/ communicating in a way that is ‘unusual’ by people in my past.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to for a single moment doubt my words as the expression of myself in any given moment, wherein I accessed my mind to consider a person in relation to ‘who they have been in my past’ and in that, compromise my entire moment and opportunity to stand absolutely here, communicating in self honesty due to believing that I must still hold any ‘special regard’ to people in my past.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever feel like I had to commiserate to people that were simply showing themselves as ‘not having a good time’ wherein I would then ‘god down the hill’ to be the company that their misery required, and in this becoming one and equal to the pattern of victimization, powerlessness and general self-disregard as life that any point of self-abuse entails within our life-experiences – in this

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to compromise my direct and immediate ability to communicate and say things ‘as they are’ because of fearing sounding ‘too harsh’/ ‘too cold’/ ‘too bitchy’/ being too bossy toward another, and in that being second-thinking about ‘how will this person/ people read my words like?’ wherein there’s a fear of being perceived as a dictator that doesn’t give a shit about anyone’s feelings – but I fact, I see and realize that I should not really care about other’s ‘feelings’ as that is and has become the hypocrisy of life that we have diminished to condescending to each other’s ‘feelings’ and ‘emotions,’ compromising our entire living-moment to diminish ourselves to play-out an energetic pattern of being either happy/ sad, angry/ joyful and any other bipolar activity that we have become and diminished our living expression-to the moment that we start THINKING about feelings, accepting those feelings as ‘real’ and in that, abdicating our entire life-substance authority to the energetic-pattern authority of caring about feelings and emotions within ourselves and subsequently, within others as well.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself for a single moment while having to access the ‘who I was’ for another in the past and in that, compromise my ability to stand here as the physical stability that is able to express here in the moment without having to access memories as the old-patterns and programs that I had accepted and allowed myself to become.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish my ability to express directly and frankly in the moment every time that I allow myself to access the energetic pattern of ‘condescending’ to another just so that I am not judged as being ‘inconsiderate’ based on feelings/ emotions , which in essence represents respecting and allowing the continuation of the very patterns of deception that we have fed/pat our backs with throughout our lifetimes, thinking that we had to consider another’s ‘feelings’ whenever we communicate in order to ‘not hurt them,’

 

In this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever having feared ‘hurting another’s feelings’ when in fact, I have no ability to hurt another through words but only project my own judgments onto others, which his how I work with myself, my own writings, self forgiveness and self corrective application to ensure that I establish myself as living words, words that are supportive for me to live by – words that represent at all times that which I want to live as and that I have pondered and considered first that they are beneficial and considering at all times: what’s best for all.

 

I realize that the best way for us to live as and by is to speak Self-Honestly which means, no longer being participating in emotional and feeling blackmail of mutual condescendence to recreate either positive or negative experiences, wherein if one does not participate in the game, is then fearing being called as ‘inconsiderate’ – when in fact, being considerate as in considering all life the most pertinent and sane thing to do is to stop all power games, all emotional / feeling blackmailing and communicate in the moment about practical points that are supportive, and that don’t re-create any form of past experience that was based on emotions/ feelings toward each other as the egos that would consume life in the name of personal glory and doom as a way to self-satisfaction.

 

I realize that it always takes two to tango and that every time that  perceive that I must ‘be careful about what I speak in fear of hurting another’s feelings’ I simply stop the thinking and breathe – and realize that who I am cannot be determined by ‘who I was’ in the past toward a character that became a pivotal point in my ego/ personality of self-victimization wherein power-games of diminishing and augmenting ourselves in the name of ‘creating an experience’ had become my way of relating to others in my world. I see that I cannot hurt another’s feelings unless they allow themselves to be identified as feelings  – and that I can only ‘hurt’ if I allow myself to voice words that are simply not considering what’s best for all in practical/ physical matters, wherein self-compromise can only exist if I dare to access the mind and the entire ego-network of memories to define ‘who I am’ in the moment – I instead breathe and allow myself to express, unconditionally, holding responsibility for every single word that I say, ensuring that it is not defined in any way according to ‘who’ I am communicating with, but establishing and asserting the realization of equality within communication, where no special regard, no antique preference is able to define my words in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard in the moment of communication the fact that no being can ever be benefitted from thinking, experiencing emotions or feelings, regardless of the perceived ‘happiness’ and ‘enjoyment’ that a moment can bring, I allow myself to see that such happiness and enjoyment cannot be propitiated or instilled and instigated in another as a desire, but must emerge as an actual realization of self allowing oneself to stand as the stability that each one can only give to themselves and that cannot be ‘given’ or ‘induced’ by another, as that would imply wanting to manipulate in order to get a point of satisfaction through giving pleasure/ creating a ‘good experience’ in another, which is and had been the starting point of wanting to seem affable and cordial at all times, due to the fear of sounding/ being too harsh and being inconsiderate.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to propitiate the same blackmailing situation as in becoming emotional at other’s words wherein I would then play the ‘hurt victim’ in order to not see and realize that I was in fact simply doing it to myself as a form to get people to treat me with ‘more care’ and give me ‘more attention,’ which implies that any form of whining and throwing tantrums has only been a way to project the misery that I had created within myself as my own accumulation of backchat, emotions and feelings as unbearable mind-created experiences, that I then  sought to release through using another person, an event/ situation as a crutch for me to download all this self-created pity and denigration in order to have more commiserating and ‘feeling sorry’ about myself, as a form of obtaining the necessary recognition – no matter what the initial point to obtain such recognition was about – and through that, make myself feel better forgetting people’s attention in a condescending and ‘caring’ way.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to consider that the only harm that exists is toward life the moment that I become an energetic mind-pattern interacting with others at the same energized pattern wherein all that is consumed is life breath by breath, disregarding moment by moment the opportunity to stand up and interact based on the physical reality/ circumstance that requires no emotional/ feeling interplay to take place.

 

When and as I see myself thinking ‘he/she will perceive me as harsh/ inconsiderate toward their situation’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that every time that I do this from the starting point of fearing ‘hurting another’s feelings’ I am already agreeing to participate in the power game of reducing life to an energetic interplay wherein I realize I simply have to now stop all condescendence as to ‘who I am talking to/ communicating with’ and walk as the constancy and consistency that I am establishing as myself in every moment of breath, wherein I make sure that I stop compromising life to be reduced to ephemeral ashes of emotions and feelings due to relationships formed as the very cause of such need and desire to be ‘experiencing’ ourselves as our ego/ personalities in order to be able to ‘interact’ with each other.

 

I see and realize that when communicating with people – I do not require to regard them in specific groupings according to ‘where they belong’ in and as the ‘story of my past,’ but instead realizing that I can equally communicate to a being that I just met, to a being that I’ve communicated with for some time and to a being that I had not talked in years, as time and memories do not define who I am in every moment that I am here, that I breathe, that I can read and speak as the expression of myself within a particular contest, which doesn’t require to be compromised in any way whatsoever.

 

I commit myself to expose how it is in these seemingly ‘usual interactions’ of accessing and allowing another’s tantrums and justifications for  experiencing any crisis, depression, emotion/ feeling that we become equal participants of such manipulation that is always in the name of self-interest, because life cannot be suited to commiserate, life cannot be ‘emotionally hurt’ and life cannot be made feel better as that would mean an overall reform of the system that is simply not even considered the moment that we ‘seek’ to make someone feel ‘better about themselves’ which is just creating a point of dependence toward a relationship wherein self-realization as the stopping of all forms of self-manipulation is not supported, but instead the same feelings and emotions that validate such individuals’ experiences in the name of ‘relationships.’

 

I commit myself to stop any second-guessing as to ‘how I must address another’ based on memories, as I see and realize that who I am is not memories, and who I am here as breath cannot be reduced to a pre-tense in order to keep an illusion of ‘who I am’ toward another as ‘up to date.’ I instead direct myself to ensure that my communication and the starting point of such communication is at all times the ability to support myself and others in equality, and in no way entail any form of seeking and looking for an experience within me to be revamped from the past.

 

I realize that the only way that we can all stop participating in the usual coming and going of verbal exchanges that seek to create/ feed or oppose another’s experience is through first not allowing ourselves to see such experience as real, but instead allowing us to stop, self forgive ourselves and walk the moment as self correction wherein I communicate me as the moment,without wanting to ‘maintain’ a energetic interaction going, but simply unconditionally share myself and walk any point of communication breath-by-breath.

This is to ensure that all forms of self-compromise are stopped the moment that they start brewing as second thinking, as ‘complication’ as ‘other’s consideration’ in order to stand clear here as myself, wherein I make sure I stand regardless of what anyone else could ‘perceive’ about my words, my stance and my decision to live and not allow anything else than who I am here in the moment that I breathe.

 

I commit myself to expose how much we drain each other when participating in emotional and feeling blackmail, seeking to create relationships not with each other as physical beings, but as mind systems that recharge, suck dry and refurbish each other’s experiences as the continuation of who ‘we are’ as egos of the mind, and explain how we are consuming our very beingness in any moment that we allow ourselves to be the ‘dancer in the tango’ wherein emotions are seen as real and participated along with in order to ‘make them more real.’

 

I stop all abuse toward life by ensuring that all words that come out of my mouth, all thoughts and deeds are fabricated with the consideration of being using my moment to moment to establish myself as life, and to provide me with enough self-support as oxygen that allows me to be HERE breathing, walking, talking, communicating with others without having to ‘socialize’ into lies of power games, submission, control, depression and any other midlife crisis that I see only exists as a self created experience by each being that allows oneself to go through such experiences as something that is ‘real’ when in fact, it’s all self created/ self-generated at a mind level.

 

Who we are as life is as constant and consistent as the breath that I breathe in, hence I allow myself to breath and speak from the starting point of supporting what’s best for all life at all times, as that will ensure that I become part of the self-honest participants required in this world to stop the old and pave the way fro the new way of living as humanity based on Equality and Oneness as Life.

 

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And become part of the Neighborism supporters wherein we ensure that all relationships between human beings are being exposed to be redefined into best-for-all outcomes wherein Life in Equality is the principle we follow.

 

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Life Review – The Internal Battle with Pleasing Others


Day 31.Fawning

fawn
n    verb give a servile display of exaggerated flattery or affection. Show slavish devotion, especially by rubbing against someone
to court favor by a cringing or flattering manner

 

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that for instance what I like or dislike on YouTube will determine breath by breath ‘who I am’, and what I allow Earth to become.” Bernard Poolman 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people as fawning wherein such likeness/ appraisal  is seen by myself as only seeking approval/ bootlicking in order to not render an actual recognition to another as an equal, but only seeking self-glorification through association, without realizing that this is only me and my association as judgments toward other beings’ expression that I must take back to self to see where and how I am existing as the judgment toward recognizing another’s work/ job/ expression due to deeming it as ‘fawning’ and in that, believing that acknowledging another’s work/activity will diminish ‘who I am,’ when in fact it is only an ego that can feel like ‘diminishing’ upon recognizing another’s work/ expression – within this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to  harbor and perpetuate  such mindfucks about being able to openly like and demonstrate recognition of another as an example of something that is an actual expression of self, to ‘like’ something that I realize is in support of what’s best for all life, because I want to remain as ‘exclusive’ within my preferences and using a mind-value scheme to decide what I ‘like’ and what I ‘dislike’ according to the person behind the point of expression/ work/ words, which implies that I am still existing as a mind robot that is easily mind controlled according to preferences and preconditions acquired throughout a lifetime of secret elitism toward others in means of becoming an elitist myself and seeking the same ‘special recognition’ by ‘special people’ in my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize how within me judging others as fawning in means of being subservient, I am in fact recreating the same hierarchical systems that I have judged and opposed throughout my life, without even seeing or being aware how within my own backchat deeming people as ‘bootlickers’ I was already diminishing others in my mind in means of remaining ‘superior’ as ‘knowing better than licking another’s boots’; this reveals to what extent I have become the very waste of breaths that have allowed such projected degradation onto others in seemingly ‘unimportant points, ‘ which can define actual spitefulness and separation if such fawning goes ‘unnoticed’ and deliberately ignored due to considering it as ‘irrelevant,’ while in fact it is as relevant as can be, because it is a constant point that we participate in wherein we make sure that we support all that supports life, without placing any point of preference above principle.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my expression in fear of being seen as toadyish toward others in means of recognition through association, which is simply existing in my mind as a limitation to not openly like and share and express the recognition toward a point that is supportive for life, because I have created my own limitations according to what I can ‘like’ and ‘dislike’ which is only a mind-creation that stands as the very separation of ourselves when opting out for judgment instead of an open integration of self as an equal to others and others’ expressions/ words/ work/ deeds that can be placed as an example toward more people and in that in fact support a world that is living by the law of neighborism wherein what’s best for all is unconditionally given and received as we know that the benefit is for all equally.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to be constantly judging people as being pleasing and cowering toward others in positions of authority in means of approval, which I had judged as subservient/ bootlicking and obvious display of manipulation,  without realizing that I have also lived by seeking recognition and wanting to be pleasing in order to, for example, keep another ‘happy’ by my side in a relationship, which is no different to accepting any form of hierarchy/ authority in separation of myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever cower toward another and simply submitting to orders without questioning it out of fear, which means that I have only projected my won judgment to what I accepted and allowed myself to live by throughout my life.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to develop a mirroring effect whenever I would perceive and judge someone’s expression as fawning and subservient toward myself, wherein I would agree to such flattery situation out of convenience as it implies keeping relationships of self-interest and social relationships in place, which means that such attitude is accepted and ‘liked’ in a general way due to its fake display of empathy.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people as smarmy when being fawning others in what I perceive and have judged as simply seeking attention and acceptance through others, without realizing that these judgments only exist as part of the nasty backchat that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as , which reveals who I am as the eternal judge in my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to compromise my expression in means of pleasing/ being liked/ being wanted by others through presenting an image of myself that could most likely be praised as I knew that it would then highlight my ego and make me ‘feel better about myself’ through others’ words/ recognition.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find fawning as something loathsome and self-deprecating wherein I deem that the person that is ‘fawning’ is placing themselves as inferior to that someone that they are praising, when in fact fawning can only exist if I allow myself to give continuation to judgments toward others’ expressions as either good/ bad and positive and negative.

 

 

When and as I see myself judging others as apparently being fawning something/ someone – I stop and I breathe.- I realize that such perception over reality is only my own judgments imposed onto others as me being able to judge place them in an ‘inferiority’ position, because of being willing to recognize another’s words, deeds, work, without realizing that life has not placed preference upon any point in creation – it’s only been ourselves that sought to ‘become more’ through obtaining words of self-glorification from others as a point of motivation to ‘keep going,’ instead of being unconditional my movement within reality.

 

I realize that within me having participated in judging others as ‘fawning,’ as dishonest and phony within their expression in means of seeking approval through praising others, I am only revealing what I have lived by in seeking recognition myself, in which I have lead myself to exist as the constant judge in my head that places separation upon others to then ‘devalue’ them in my mind;  this without realizing how  I’ve practiced the elitist preferences and likes as a way to see people as either genuine or phony in their appraisal toward others.

 

I see, realize and understand that I must make sure that we in fact start looking at ourselves as physical bodies that we can unite forces-with in order to create what’s best for all, wherein rivalry and potential antagonism – promoted as competition in means of development – is exposed as a means that has money as a background to continue in such mental value-schemes that separate ourselves from who we are as life.   I see, realize and understand that the only way to stop me from existing as these thoughts is through realizing that all points of even the minutest separation imply that I am not here breathing and unconditionally supporting myself and others as life,  but that I am  still existing as the very point of monetization toward reality as the power games developed when recognizing, praising another’s expression in means of ego.

 

Within this I realize that I am able to transform the usual egotistical seeking of recognition into an equal and one Self-recognition as Life in application, wherein we support all beings equally, regardless of whatever idea, belief and perception we may have about others in our reality.

The Equal Money System is the solution to stop this silent acceptance and allowance of different values as backchat projected onto others, that we have made our current world system that thrives on competition, backstabbing and deliberate means of degrading others to uplift oneself, as the deception that has become the result of having defined  ‘who we are’ as mind drones live in a constant fight for survival, to be ‘more’/ ‘remaining special,’ keeping ourselves occupied within our mind, instead of becoming an actual proof of how it is possible to live as equals wherein all judgments cease to  exist and only unconditional self-support as the equal recognition of a living expression in equality remains.

 

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have abdicated my directive responsibility and action, breath by breath, to energy – by creating automated, energetic, justified, conscious actions to represent me as breath, using the energy as motivation and reason for movement without any actual awareness present, breath by breath – to check what I am accepting and allowing to be created by energy on Earth. Because I have not checked all breath by breath actions and the consequences: even though the consequences clearly show that Life has been replaced by energy, causing massive global abuse.” Bernard Poolman

 

Humble = humus ‘ground’

 

Blogs:

Day 31: The Secret of Breath
The Chicken or the Egg??? – Part One: DAY 30

 

 

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