Tag Archives: compromise

619. Learning From Relationships

 

I listened to three audios on Eqafe that I find essential to listen for everyone, considering how most of us – or so far I’ve only known one person in my life that was not interested in having a relationship – are usually looking for and aiming to ‘find that ONE person’ to establish a relationship with.  Here are the titles: Fear of Missing Out on a Fulfilling Relationship – Fears & Phobias, Using Relationships to Hide From Myself – Life Review, Time Alone Before Time Together – Life Review.

When I listened to the Life Review specifically, I could relate to what the woman shared with regards to the little time spent without and in between relationships and how that affected her in disconnecting from herself, from who she was and how much the constant seeking for a relationship made her dependent on the ‘other’ person to be complete within herself – this might be a bit of a vague description on my side, so I definitely recommend you listen to her story yourself. But! here I’m focusing on sharing what opened up for me as I was listening to her story.

First of all realizing that I have been in such kind of situation where I would end a relationship and start another one right away, not spending time alone to reconsider where I am and who I have been in the relationship –  in terms of what were my lessons learned, points expanded, faults, mistakes, things I can be grateful for etc. – and instead jumping into the next relationship. This is probably one of those weakest points I’ve had throughout my life and one that I have been particularly – secretly – ashamed of because it is obvious that it involves a lack of honesty towards myself within relationships in terms of what I can accept and allow, what I can commit to and how I have disregarded the consequences and the effect that me changing my mind about relationships can have on the partner and people around as well.

I share this because I do consider it vital to apply what the woman shares about her story, to be able to take some time off from relationships in order to ‘get back to oneself’. I’ve done both things and will share my experience in both situations.

There was a time that I’ve recently in my mind judged as very bleak, lonely and fruitless, this happened when I was living in Mexico City and I deliberately decided to learn to be alone – in a rather ‘extreme’ way to be alone I’d say – being then fully aware of my tendency to become dependent on being ‘always there’ for other people, being the kind of partner that lives the life of the partner and has none of her own – I decided to learn to be by myself –that means without relationships – and learn to know what I enjoy doing, learn to be comfortable being alone and doing things alone, going out shopping, to the movies, living on my own. Yes, maybe I took it to the extreme in terms of the lack of interaction I had with other people – including family and friends – but that’s something I am also now learning to do in terms of not being too extreme in the way that I decide to change things. So, in a nutshell, I call it my monkish period, and as much as in my mind I’ve judged it as a generally ‘bleak’ time, when I recently looked deeper into it to not resent my choices at that time, I see that such years were dedicated to live ‘me’, to know me better, to learn to be alone, to learn to do things that I decide to do – not that someone else ‘takes me’ to do – and there was a sense of independence formed that I would not trade off or change, because it assisted me to see where and how I compromised myself many times for the sake of being in a relationship and existing in fear of ‘losing’ something that I now know was not best for me, was constantly emotional, troublesome and detrimental to my expression and my living.

Then I got to a point where I decided I could establish a relationship again and I did, again looking back not having the best starting point because it did come from having formed an experience of alones at the time, but I tried to make it work nonetheless. I had settled in one relationship believing I could change the person, conforming in certain ways to make it work and taking the compromise lightly to say the least, not fully being aware of the commitment that I was making at the time and the challenges it represented. But I wanted to make it work for both of us, which didn’t happen. At least I proved to myself that I could fully and absolutely commit to another and still see that even if I am doing all that I can to assist and be ‘there’ for another, it takes two to tango to stand on the same page. I broke that relationship even if there were legal formalities formed with it.

After that, I had a few months to yes go through the sorrow, pain and ‘disconnection’ process from that relationship but I did decide to enter a new relationship after that; though fortunately enough did still have the opportunity to be alone and process through all of the things that I had accepted and allowed – created – in the previous relationship. But still, I do consider that I went ahead too fast and without much consideration of the implication of making such decisions not only for myself, but for the other person as well. This year I repeated the same, because of not having had that needed time to ground myself around relationships and one thing I can tell is that unless one has an understanding partner that has full awareness of the previous relationship patterns, it can be a disaster recipe to go jumping from one relationship to another.

I was in a way fortunate that my partner was understanding of it all, not that he approves of what I’ve done and my relationship habits, but again, he is aware and he made a decision to stand with me anyways and understood that I had things to process from my previous relationships at the same time as starting a new one. The thing that I want to share is how it’s not a bright idea to not give oneself time to be alone after a relationship ends, it can lead to not fully considering things in terms of what one is able to commit to and the effect it may have by making a decision without proper time for reflection, for personal assessment of the mistakes, the things allowed, the points that one needs to self-forgive and work through, because it does ‘filter’ or ‘spill through’ to the new relationship and it may lead to ruin if one does not handle the situation with proper sense of responsibility and communicating about it and again, having a partner that can understand and not take it personally either.

So from my recent experience, this kind of situation led to a great amount of stress that I became unaware of – apparently – and I became sick or having certain health issues almost on a regular basis for the past months. This can also be a narrow perspective on my health situation, but this is what I’ve concluded recently, that I put myself under a lot of stress because of the decisions I made in relation to relationships, where not being honest with myself and towards others led me to compromise myself and that became an ingredient to constantly be thinking of guilt, burdening myself with the ‘wrong doings’ while at the same time starting a new relationship and opening up all the potentials that this entails. It’s not a great thing to walk an ending and a beginning simultaneously – point learned.

I would not be able to share this from a clearer view currently if it wasn’t for the process that I did to self-forgive myself for my decisions, my actions and mistakes,  my short-sights and also forgiving myself for the damage caused to others by my lack of consideration or selfishness that this kind of situations entail. However, I also understood that there’s no point in continuing to flagellate myself emotionally, all that I can do is learn from it and know that I cannot repeat this kind of behavior again in my life, or I’d be simply falling again into my old patterns that I’ve worked on already. I did judge myself because of wanting to ‘make things right’ and ‘work through it’ and in a way being in disbelief that I could have managed to ‘repeat myself’ in patterns that I thought I had changed over the ‘monkish’ phase of being alone and without relationships – but, as I now know, I cannot be sure that something is entirely ‘clear’ and ‘transcended’ within me at all, it always takes a daily – constant – decision to act in the way that is right, that is supportive, that is considering consequences, that is responsible and self-honest for myself and for others that I have an effect on.

Currently I assess my situation on a constant basis when it comes to my relationship, because it has enabled me to see where I could be compromising myself or constructively compare how I have now seen that I was compromising myself before when trying to ‘be’ something for someone else in a relationship.  When I decided to be in this relationship, I did take the time to consider who I wanted to be in it and what would be of myself IF the relationship simply doesn’t work, knowing I could stand on my own two feet as well. So, I might have taken a ‘big risk’ considering  the rushed and somewhat risky decision making processes I’ve taken in the past without much ‘thought’ into my relationships, but this time I did make sure to entirely be ‘me’ making the decision and fully taking the responsibility for what I decide to make of it. 

I did take the time to assess the person, even if it was a relative short amount of time of doing this, there were characteristics that stood out for me enough to consider how this could work through, which included sharing with him the process I’ve walked with relationships, the weaknesses, the mistakes I’ve made, the dishonesties, the repetitive patterns I’ve had and that I still have such points to work through for me, to reestablish my self-trust in relationships – with all the past disclosed – and this is now where I can prove to myself that I can stand in an equal manner in loyalty, honor, respect and integrity that such person has given to himself throughout his life, which I am currently learning a lot from as well.

It is not my position to share his views here, but in a way I do want to do it, because he’s that person I mentioned at the beginning that has been known by everyone – and himself – to not desire a relationship or ‘lust’ over women at all. Everyone had always asked him when he would have a relationship and he always said that wasn’t something he was looking for, explicitly not interested on because he knew himself as a different kind of person that would find it hard to find a woman that could ‘stand’ through his ways of living life and the principles he has. He just wanted to work and focus on bettering his life. Well, that kind of approach led him to learn to live and be for himself the best that he can be. He is probably one of the few people I know that loves himself and regards himself as a self-made man that wasn’t always dedicated and hardworking to get to be who he is now, but made a decision to step out of the shadows and strive to do what he was told was ‘impossible’ for him to achieve. That sort of strength made him aware of his capacity and potential, which is part of the characteristics that I saw made him a ‘whole’ man already, not really looking or searching or being ‘needy’ for anything or anyone to ‘complete’ him or make him feel ‘better’ about himself.

This is how he considers that most people should not constantly go jumping from one relationship to another, but be able to be alone even for the rest of their lives if necessary, because they are not yet the best for and towards themselves. This view is perceived as too ‘extreme’ by his friends, but I’ve come to understand his point based on what he has lived and what I have lived and the consequences I’ve faced because of having held this constant belief that ‘I need to be in a relationship’ and the outflow this has. I’m not saying that this is how it’s supposed to be, but simply different ways to approach the relationships. Mine was more ‘trial and error’ and yes causing consequences for me and for others, his was more of a holistic approach of deciding to be in a relationship if and when the right person would exist for that.

Of course, he is now in a relationship and that may seem contradictory for many, but he explains how this is the first relationship he’s ever had – and took it to the level of absolute commitment and responsibility, which has led him to explore and open up many more ways of enjoyment in life, more than the ones that he already had been living on his own. I don’t want to sound like I’m praising him, but I do want to share  this because I’ve noticed how many strengths are built through deciding to be ‘the best for you’, to learn to be a man – or a woman – for oneself first, to learn to love, care, be the joy of our own lives instead of expecting something or someone to come and ‘save us’ or ‘fulfill’ our lives in one way or another. So, his usual perspective or ‘advice’ to anyone is to learn to be alone and learn to be ok with themselves, letting go of the notion of needing a relationship – and even better, to not participate or create a habit in desiring sex or porn or that sort of mental-masturbation in relation to women – or the opposite sex – at all, which leads to a genuine discovery of physical expression in a relationship, probably something that most people ‘seek out’ through mind stimulation and my take is that this pollutes or ‘disconnects’ us from the ‘hereness’, the physical development of actual touch and clear-mindedness so to speak required in a developing a physical relationship. This is not only related to sexual expression, but also in relation to fully focusing on being with the one person you decide to be with and not entertaining any thoughts, ideas, beliefs or glances at something or ‘someone else out there’ that ‘could be better’ than the relationship one has decided to be in.

What I’ve gathered from my time with him is how it truly takes that sort of diligence to honor and respect oneself and not exist solely for the idea of a ‘relationship’ as something to ‘get to’ or ‘find’ as an absolute goal in one’s life. It seems that as one focuses and works on fulfilling oneself and becoming that person that one enjoys looking at in the mirror – and not only for appearance level – but for the person one shapes of oneself – then one simply aligns with people that are on that same ‘track’ so to speak in their life, and that’s how you meet and realize that it is something that can work as a betterment platform for both, which was my approach as well when deciding to establish this relationship. We both agreed that this was going to be a relationship of two fulfilled individuals walking together, me knowing that if I decide to no longer be in the relationship, he’s not going to be ‘needing’ me as such, but will continue his life and endeavors as usual and vice versa – communication and understanding and assessment at any time.  The relative ease with which this agreement-  as he also called it – was able to be established is simply because of seeing the affinity in our ways of thinking and living and our principles and the way of living as well as our aims in life. I am fully aware some of my views are not that ‘popular’ with regular people, because they may sound too ‘out there’ or ‘difficult to achieve’- but not for him.  Then it is simply like two notes resonating at the same level that consider they can join in and create a harmony that will better the sound in each other’s life – and that’s what it currently is and has been.

There are so many more things that I’ve been learning about myself in relation to him in that have opened my eyes to see what kind of limitations I was making ‘ok’ within previous relationships, where and how I was not being honest with myself and rather molding or making myself ‘comfortable ‘about things that I wasn’t entirely willing to live with, but made it all ‘ok’ because of the idea that no one can be perfect and that I would always have to kind of ‘struggle’ in a relationship – now I know it doesn’t have to be this way. And I’m not saying this is currently perfect, but now I know that there can be people that can be at that same level of self-awareness and self will to live a different life than most people, which is what I’m here to do in this world, to continue cutting through the mold and not limit my expression, my ‘wacky’ way of being that I have come to re-ignite and rediscover within myself, something that makes me enjoy life more and something that I had judged as ‘not fit’ for everyone’s taste and so believing I had to be more ‘accommodating’ for others. In a nutshell, I’ve come to be aware of self-compromise, which is also one  tendency I’ve had in relationships where I kind of sink into the background and mold myself to fit into the idea of who I believe the other person wants me to be – even if this is most of the times my own projection.

The bottom line is that even if one can make ‘mistakes’ in relationships, the point is to always learn more about oneself, to use each opportunity one has to share one’s life and expression with another to learn more about who we are with each person, and yes unfortunately at times getting to also know the ‘darker’ aspects of ourselves – not to be turned into something necessarily bad or evil – simply recognizing that there are things that may be subtle at first but eventually build up or accumulate to compromise, to diminish ourselves even in the most ‘unnoticeable’ ways and I say ‘unfortunately’ – yet at the same time, I would not have known otherwise if I had not made mistakes and learned to see where I truly want to be in terms of standing in a relationship with someone else, first of all checking – on a constant basis – not to limit, diminish or compromise me in order to ‘be’ in a relationship as a need point.

So, having said this, I now realize that as painful, troublesome and consequential it is, mistakes allow us to also see the paths that we don’t want to follow through. Sure, it’s best when we can identify this earlier on and not have situations escalate and have more consequential breakups, but I now see that this is something quite specific for me to face based on the life that I had lived before I started this process with Desteni, my ‘processing’ done in that alone time and how I do realize how easy it is to slip back into old programming if not fully considering one’s actions and acting again on a ‘whim’ so to speak, making decisions without giving myself time to know first of all where I stand and then where I would want to stand in relation to someone else.

Based on my experience and the example I shared about my partner and how he led his life, I see that the best thing one can do is to give oneself time to learn to BE for oneself, to learn to truly love and appreciate yourself first, to be that one person that you can enjoy living with so that no matter who you join your life with – or not at all – you continue being whole and complete by yourself, so that 1+1 equals 2 instead of being existing as a half that seeks another half to create a codependent relationship that most likely ends up in compromise, diminishment and harm towards one another.

A relationship is a platform of support to become a better person, to grow, to learn from each other, to communicate openly without holding back or secrets, to express openly, to test and try new ways of living and expressing without judgment, to walk through disagreements and challenges with understanding – but! to do all of these great things takes a lot of self-work first, otherwise we base our entire ‘wellbeing’ on another person ‘all of this’ for us, and that’s where the fuckup usually is. So! Self first, always, then the rest of the people or situations that may come into our live become opportunities of expansion, a complement that can be beneficial not only for the people in the relationship but also for those that surround the relationship and for whatever is created within the relationship, which becomes an example of what a supportive relationship can be in a world where most exist in consequences and conflict – my personal view and experience here.

Ok so that’s it, again, listen to the Eqafe recordings, they are a great eye opener to understand more of what I shared here as my ups and downs, my faults, my points to learn and correct through relationships.

Can also learn to do this through the Relationship Course in Desteni which assisted me to ground many of the foundations that I now realize have to be lived in a very disciplined way of establishing self-honesty within self, otherwise they become nice principles on paper only – as always, the key is to live it and REALLY stick to Doing it.

Thanks for reading

 

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Day 38: Inconsiderate Blackmail

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts about me being ‘inconsiderate’ toward other people, wherein I allowed myself to have ‘second thoughts’ about my communication wherein I essentially compromised my ability to be directive, straightforward and frank in every single moment – and instead having accessed the past  familiar pattern of  ‘not wanting to be harsh’/ not wanting to sound rude  out of fearing hurting others’ feelings, and in that, compromising my ability to speak self-honestly about myself and my experience due to fear of speaking/ communicating in a way that is ‘unusual’ by people in my past.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to for a single moment doubt my words as the expression of myself in any given moment, wherein I accessed my mind to consider a person in relation to ‘who they have been in my past’ and in that, compromise my entire moment and opportunity to stand absolutely here, communicating in self honesty due to believing that I must still hold any ‘special regard’ to people in my past.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever feel like I had to commiserate to people that were simply showing themselves as ‘not having a good time’ wherein I would then ‘god down the hill’ to be the company that their misery required, and in this becoming one and equal to the pattern of victimization, powerlessness and general self-disregard as life that any point of self-abuse entails within our life-experiences – in this

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to compromise my direct and immediate ability to communicate and say things ‘as they are’ because of fearing sounding ‘too harsh’/ ‘too cold’/ ‘too bitchy’/ being too bossy toward another, and in that being second-thinking about ‘how will this person/ people read my words like?’ wherein there’s a fear of being perceived as a dictator that doesn’t give a shit about anyone’s feelings – but I fact, I see and realize that I should not really care about other’s ‘feelings’ as that is and has become the hypocrisy of life that we have diminished to condescending to each other’s ‘feelings’ and ‘emotions,’ compromising our entire living-moment to diminish ourselves to play-out an energetic pattern of being either happy/ sad, angry/ joyful and any other bipolar activity that we have become and diminished our living expression-to the moment that we start THINKING about feelings, accepting those feelings as ‘real’ and in that, abdicating our entire life-substance authority to the energetic-pattern authority of caring about feelings and emotions within ourselves and subsequently, within others as well.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself for a single moment while having to access the ‘who I was’ for another in the past and in that, compromise my ability to stand here as the physical stability that is able to express here in the moment without having to access memories as the old-patterns and programs that I had accepted and allowed myself to become.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish my ability to express directly and frankly in the moment every time that I allow myself to access the energetic pattern of ‘condescending’ to another just so that I am not judged as being ‘inconsiderate’ based on feelings/ emotions , which in essence represents respecting and allowing the continuation of the very patterns of deception that we have fed/pat our backs with throughout our lifetimes, thinking that we had to consider another’s ‘feelings’ whenever we communicate in order to ‘not hurt them,’

 

In this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever having feared ‘hurting another’s feelings’ when in fact, I have no ability to hurt another through words but only project my own judgments onto others, which his how I work with myself, my own writings, self forgiveness and self corrective application to ensure that I establish myself as living words, words that are supportive for me to live by – words that represent at all times that which I want to live as and that I have pondered and considered first that they are beneficial and considering at all times: what’s best for all.

 

I realize that the best way for us to live as and by is to speak Self-Honestly which means, no longer being participating in emotional and feeling blackmail of mutual condescendence to recreate either positive or negative experiences, wherein if one does not participate in the game, is then fearing being called as ‘inconsiderate’ – when in fact, being considerate as in considering all life the most pertinent and sane thing to do is to stop all power games, all emotional / feeling blackmailing and communicate in the moment about practical points that are supportive, and that don’t re-create any form of past experience that was based on emotions/ feelings toward each other as the egos that would consume life in the name of personal glory and doom as a way to self-satisfaction.

 

I realize that it always takes two to tango and that every time that  perceive that I must ‘be careful about what I speak in fear of hurting another’s feelings’ I simply stop the thinking and breathe – and realize that who I am cannot be determined by ‘who I was’ in the past toward a character that became a pivotal point in my ego/ personality of self-victimization wherein power-games of diminishing and augmenting ourselves in the name of ‘creating an experience’ had become my way of relating to others in my world. I see that I cannot hurt another’s feelings unless they allow themselves to be identified as feelings  – and that I can only ‘hurt’ if I allow myself to voice words that are simply not considering what’s best for all in practical/ physical matters, wherein self-compromise can only exist if I dare to access the mind and the entire ego-network of memories to define ‘who I am’ in the moment – I instead breathe and allow myself to express, unconditionally, holding responsibility for every single word that I say, ensuring that it is not defined in any way according to ‘who’ I am communicating with, but establishing and asserting the realization of equality within communication, where no special regard, no antique preference is able to define my words in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard in the moment of communication the fact that no being can ever be benefitted from thinking, experiencing emotions or feelings, regardless of the perceived ‘happiness’ and ‘enjoyment’ that a moment can bring, I allow myself to see that such happiness and enjoyment cannot be propitiated or instilled and instigated in another as a desire, but must emerge as an actual realization of self allowing oneself to stand as the stability that each one can only give to themselves and that cannot be ‘given’ or ‘induced’ by another, as that would imply wanting to manipulate in order to get a point of satisfaction through giving pleasure/ creating a ‘good experience’ in another, which is and had been the starting point of wanting to seem affable and cordial at all times, due to the fear of sounding/ being too harsh and being inconsiderate.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to propitiate the same blackmailing situation as in becoming emotional at other’s words wherein I would then play the ‘hurt victim’ in order to not see and realize that I was in fact simply doing it to myself as a form to get people to treat me with ‘more care’ and give me ‘more attention,’ which implies that any form of whining and throwing tantrums has only been a way to project the misery that I had created within myself as my own accumulation of backchat, emotions and feelings as unbearable mind-created experiences, that I then  sought to release through using another person, an event/ situation as a crutch for me to download all this self-created pity and denigration in order to have more commiserating and ‘feeling sorry’ about myself, as a form of obtaining the necessary recognition – no matter what the initial point to obtain such recognition was about – and through that, make myself feel better forgetting people’s attention in a condescending and ‘caring’ way.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to consider that the only harm that exists is toward life the moment that I become an energetic mind-pattern interacting with others at the same energized pattern wherein all that is consumed is life breath by breath, disregarding moment by moment the opportunity to stand up and interact based on the physical reality/ circumstance that requires no emotional/ feeling interplay to take place.

 

When and as I see myself thinking ‘he/she will perceive me as harsh/ inconsiderate toward their situation’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that every time that I do this from the starting point of fearing ‘hurting another’s feelings’ I am already agreeing to participate in the power game of reducing life to an energetic interplay wherein I realize I simply have to now stop all condescendence as to ‘who I am talking to/ communicating with’ and walk as the constancy and consistency that I am establishing as myself in every moment of breath, wherein I make sure that I stop compromising life to be reduced to ephemeral ashes of emotions and feelings due to relationships formed as the very cause of such need and desire to be ‘experiencing’ ourselves as our ego/ personalities in order to be able to ‘interact’ with each other.

 

I see and realize that when communicating with people – I do not require to regard them in specific groupings according to ‘where they belong’ in and as the ‘story of my past,’ but instead realizing that I can equally communicate to a being that I just met, to a being that I’ve communicated with for some time and to a being that I had not talked in years, as time and memories do not define who I am in every moment that I am here, that I breathe, that I can read and speak as the expression of myself within a particular contest, which doesn’t require to be compromised in any way whatsoever.

 

I commit myself to expose how it is in these seemingly ‘usual interactions’ of accessing and allowing another’s tantrums and justifications for  experiencing any crisis, depression, emotion/ feeling that we become equal participants of such manipulation that is always in the name of self-interest, because life cannot be suited to commiserate, life cannot be ‘emotionally hurt’ and life cannot be made feel better as that would mean an overall reform of the system that is simply not even considered the moment that we ‘seek’ to make someone feel ‘better about themselves’ which is just creating a point of dependence toward a relationship wherein self-realization as the stopping of all forms of self-manipulation is not supported, but instead the same feelings and emotions that validate such individuals’ experiences in the name of ‘relationships.’

 

I commit myself to stop any second-guessing as to ‘how I must address another’ based on memories, as I see and realize that who I am is not memories, and who I am here as breath cannot be reduced to a pre-tense in order to keep an illusion of ‘who I am’ toward another as ‘up to date.’ I instead direct myself to ensure that my communication and the starting point of such communication is at all times the ability to support myself and others in equality, and in no way entail any form of seeking and looking for an experience within me to be revamped from the past.

 

I realize that the only way that we can all stop participating in the usual coming and going of verbal exchanges that seek to create/ feed or oppose another’s experience is through first not allowing ourselves to see such experience as real, but instead allowing us to stop, self forgive ourselves and walk the moment as self correction wherein I communicate me as the moment,without wanting to ‘maintain’ a energetic interaction going, but simply unconditionally share myself and walk any point of communication breath-by-breath.

This is to ensure that all forms of self-compromise are stopped the moment that they start brewing as second thinking, as ‘complication’ as ‘other’s consideration’ in order to stand clear here as myself, wherein I make sure I stand regardless of what anyone else could ‘perceive’ about my words, my stance and my decision to live and not allow anything else than who I am here in the moment that I breathe.

 

I commit myself to expose how much we drain each other when participating in emotional and feeling blackmail, seeking to create relationships not with each other as physical beings, but as mind systems that recharge, suck dry and refurbish each other’s experiences as the continuation of who ‘we are’ as egos of the mind, and explain how we are consuming our very beingness in any moment that we allow ourselves to be the ‘dancer in the tango’ wherein emotions are seen as real and participated along with in order to ‘make them more real.’

 

I stop all abuse toward life by ensuring that all words that come out of my mouth, all thoughts and deeds are fabricated with the consideration of being using my moment to moment to establish myself as life, and to provide me with enough self-support as oxygen that allows me to be HERE breathing, walking, talking, communicating with others without having to ‘socialize’ into lies of power games, submission, control, depression and any other midlife crisis that I see only exists as a self created experience by each being that allows oneself to go through such experiences as something that is ‘real’ when in fact, it’s all self created/ self-generated at a mind level.

 

Who we are as life is as constant and consistent as the breath that I breathe in, hence I allow myself to breath and speak from the starting point of supporting what’s best for all life at all times, as that will ensure that I become part of the self-honest participants required in this world to stop the old and pave the way fro the new way of living as humanity based on Equality and Oneness as Life.

 

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To Forgive and Let go

And become part of the Neighborism supporters wherein we ensure that all relationships between human beings are being exposed to be redefined into best-for-all outcomes wherein Life in Equality is the principle we follow.

 

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Life Review – The Internal Battle with Pleasing Others


Day 31.Fawning

fawn
n    verb give a servile display of exaggerated flattery or affection. Show slavish devotion, especially by rubbing against someone
to court favor by a cringing or flattering manner

 

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that for instance what I like or dislike on YouTube will determine breath by breath ‘who I am’, and what I allow Earth to become.” Bernard Poolman 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people as fawning wherein such likeness/ appraisal  is seen by myself as only seeking approval/ bootlicking in order to not render an actual recognition to another as an equal, but only seeking self-glorification through association, without realizing that this is only me and my association as judgments toward other beings’ expression that I must take back to self to see where and how I am existing as the judgment toward recognizing another’s work/ job/ expression due to deeming it as ‘fawning’ and in that, believing that acknowledging another’s work/activity will diminish ‘who I am,’ when in fact it is only an ego that can feel like ‘diminishing’ upon recognizing another’s work/ expression – within this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to  harbor and perpetuate  such mindfucks about being able to openly like and demonstrate recognition of another as an example of something that is an actual expression of self, to ‘like’ something that I realize is in support of what’s best for all life, because I want to remain as ‘exclusive’ within my preferences and using a mind-value scheme to decide what I ‘like’ and what I ‘dislike’ according to the person behind the point of expression/ work/ words, which implies that I am still existing as a mind robot that is easily mind controlled according to preferences and preconditions acquired throughout a lifetime of secret elitism toward others in means of becoming an elitist myself and seeking the same ‘special recognition’ by ‘special people’ in my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize how within me judging others as fawning in means of being subservient, I am in fact recreating the same hierarchical systems that I have judged and opposed throughout my life, without even seeing or being aware how within my own backchat deeming people as ‘bootlickers’ I was already diminishing others in my mind in means of remaining ‘superior’ as ‘knowing better than licking another’s boots’; this reveals to what extent I have become the very waste of breaths that have allowed such projected degradation onto others in seemingly ‘unimportant points, ‘ which can define actual spitefulness and separation if such fawning goes ‘unnoticed’ and deliberately ignored due to considering it as ‘irrelevant,’ while in fact it is as relevant as can be, because it is a constant point that we participate in wherein we make sure that we support all that supports life, without placing any point of preference above principle.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my expression in fear of being seen as toadyish toward others in means of recognition through association, which is simply existing in my mind as a limitation to not openly like and share and express the recognition toward a point that is supportive for life, because I have created my own limitations according to what I can ‘like’ and ‘dislike’ which is only a mind-creation that stands as the very separation of ourselves when opting out for judgment instead of an open integration of self as an equal to others and others’ expressions/ words/ work/ deeds that can be placed as an example toward more people and in that in fact support a world that is living by the law of neighborism wherein what’s best for all is unconditionally given and received as we know that the benefit is for all equally.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to be constantly judging people as being pleasing and cowering toward others in positions of authority in means of approval, which I had judged as subservient/ bootlicking and obvious display of manipulation,  without realizing that I have also lived by seeking recognition and wanting to be pleasing in order to, for example, keep another ‘happy’ by my side in a relationship, which is no different to accepting any form of hierarchy/ authority in separation of myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever cower toward another and simply submitting to orders without questioning it out of fear, which means that I have only projected my won judgment to what I accepted and allowed myself to live by throughout my life.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to develop a mirroring effect whenever I would perceive and judge someone’s expression as fawning and subservient toward myself, wherein I would agree to such flattery situation out of convenience as it implies keeping relationships of self-interest and social relationships in place, which means that such attitude is accepted and ‘liked’ in a general way due to its fake display of empathy.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people as smarmy when being fawning others in what I perceive and have judged as simply seeking attention and acceptance through others, without realizing that these judgments only exist as part of the nasty backchat that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as , which reveals who I am as the eternal judge in my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to compromise my expression in means of pleasing/ being liked/ being wanted by others through presenting an image of myself that could most likely be praised as I knew that it would then highlight my ego and make me ‘feel better about myself’ through others’ words/ recognition.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find fawning as something loathsome and self-deprecating wherein I deem that the person that is ‘fawning’ is placing themselves as inferior to that someone that they are praising, when in fact fawning can only exist if I allow myself to give continuation to judgments toward others’ expressions as either good/ bad and positive and negative.

 

 

When and as I see myself judging others as apparently being fawning something/ someone – I stop and I breathe.- I realize that such perception over reality is only my own judgments imposed onto others as me being able to judge place them in an ‘inferiority’ position, because of being willing to recognize another’s words, deeds, work, without realizing that life has not placed preference upon any point in creation – it’s only been ourselves that sought to ‘become more’ through obtaining words of self-glorification from others as a point of motivation to ‘keep going,’ instead of being unconditional my movement within reality.

 

I realize that within me having participated in judging others as ‘fawning,’ as dishonest and phony within their expression in means of seeking approval through praising others, I am only revealing what I have lived by in seeking recognition myself, in which I have lead myself to exist as the constant judge in my head that places separation upon others to then ‘devalue’ them in my mind;  this without realizing how  I’ve practiced the elitist preferences and likes as a way to see people as either genuine or phony in their appraisal toward others.

 

I see, realize and understand that I must make sure that we in fact start looking at ourselves as physical bodies that we can unite forces-with in order to create what’s best for all, wherein rivalry and potential antagonism – promoted as competition in means of development – is exposed as a means that has money as a background to continue in such mental value-schemes that separate ourselves from who we are as life.   I see, realize and understand that the only way to stop me from existing as these thoughts is through realizing that all points of even the minutest separation imply that I am not here breathing and unconditionally supporting myself and others as life,  but that I am  still existing as the very point of monetization toward reality as the power games developed when recognizing, praising another’s expression in means of ego.

 

Within this I realize that I am able to transform the usual egotistical seeking of recognition into an equal and one Self-recognition as Life in application, wherein we support all beings equally, regardless of whatever idea, belief and perception we may have about others in our reality.

The Equal Money System is the solution to stop this silent acceptance and allowance of different values as backchat projected onto others, that we have made our current world system that thrives on competition, backstabbing and deliberate means of degrading others to uplift oneself, as the deception that has become the result of having defined  ‘who we are’ as mind drones live in a constant fight for survival, to be ‘more’/ ‘remaining special,’ keeping ourselves occupied within our mind, instead of becoming an actual proof of how it is possible to live as equals wherein all judgments cease to  exist and only unconditional self-support as the equal recognition of a living expression in equality remains.

 

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have abdicated my directive responsibility and action, breath by breath, to energy – by creating automated, energetic, justified, conscious actions to represent me as breath, using the energy as motivation and reason for movement without any actual awareness present, breath by breath – to check what I am accepting and allowing to be created by energy on Earth. Because I have not checked all breath by breath actions and the consequences: even though the consequences clearly show that Life has been replaced by energy, causing massive global abuse.” Bernard Poolman

 

Humble = humus ‘ground’

 

Blogs:

Day 31: The Secret of Breath
The Chicken or the Egg??? – Part One: DAY 30

 

 

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