Tag Archives: conflict

630. #EqafeDiscovery: The All Encompassing Word

And the cookie-dough theory

The way I wanted to start writing this blog out was with a form of disclaimer about how this writing might sound a bit too ‘out there’ and how it may be a bit too ‘conceptual’ in nature, as a way to control the way that I believe it will go, to have a ‘handle’ of it. Well, I was in essence going to play out what I am about to share here.

I was listening to a podcast and the guest in it shared how he tends to be quite intense with things, he talks in a passionate manner about what he’s been through in life and how he takes on his life sounds the same way. But, that means he also takes things quite ‘to the heart’ as in very personal or creates heavy emotions or feelings about just anything. I can relate to being the kind of ‘intense’ person in essence as well, but the interviewer explained how also using judgment like that can be a way to control things, to have a ‘grasp’ on something, to kind of dominate it or believe we ‘know exactly what we are and what we are not’ and ‘what we are dealing with’ as a form of control. This got stuck in my mind and I said to myself ‘I have to write about that topic.’

This is an essential aspect of language itself. I keep going back to the cookie-dough theory that I created when I was studying linguistics. It’s about conceiving the realm of all things that exist as a one-single-whole, it’s life itself as I understand it and that is basically the broadest word I know that can define everything that is and exists, everything that is ‘here’. Some others may call it god or nature or ‘the whole’ or even ‘higher forces’– so for practical purposes let’s consider the analogy of life being this ‘wholeness’ as cookie dough. Then there was the emergence of ourselves as beings –even before we were humans – and our first expression came out of a desire to be more, to create some kind of ‘exciting experience’ that led this one part of the whole to separate from the rest of the whole. There, ‘the whole’ became ‘two’ and what happened with these two is that they saw themselves as different entities. They could not recognize that what they were seeing was themselves as well, because they could not see themselves…. They believed they were ‘different’ and so judged themselves as that. Bam! That’s the first moment of separation and what emerged from there was the definition of ‘who the other one is’ – a judgment which, for this case, can be basically any word used to ‘define’ what the other one is or isn’t.

Part of this cookie-dough analogy entails also considering that we as the beings and expressions that ‘came out of’ the cookie dough in itself, created these cookie-cutters as words, expressions that could encompass, hold or contain a part of that cookie dough that became a meaning in itself, an ‘identifiable’ expression, a thing, an action, a part of this ‘wholeness’ in order to be able to grasp it, to name it, to comprehend it, to communicate and so to live or do those words that we defined and created. Matter as life itself as the ‘cookie dough’ got cut in multiple ways that we defined through our minds, through the cookie-cutters that we forged or shaped ourselves.

To me this has been the way to realize how words became double-edged swords. They became both the tools and at the same time the ‘weapons,’ they could be used for virtually any purpose that we would define and decide them to be. That’s how as it is said ‘words are innocent’ and it is us that have defined how they are lived.

The world we are living reveals the nature of who we became as the forgers of these cookie-cutters, the way that we defined life expressions beginning with how we formed opinions and judgments as the way that we relate to each other from the primordial times of the emergence of life as we know it. We started defining, naming, judging and with that entirely consecrating the division of ‘who we are’ as seemingly completely separate individuals that ‘in no way’ could ‘ever’ be in fact one and equal…. Because we created an experience of disliking ‘the other,’ we judged ‘the other’ as inferior, as not good enough, as bad, as ‘the worst’ – or we went to the opposite realm of ‘desiring what the other had’ – at least as we believed it to be. In any case, words have been used to solidify our separation, both towards others but also within ourselves.

To me this has been an essential realization to understand the importance of being very specific in how I word myself, and how this ‘Me’ that I conceptualize as my story, as who I am and how I relate to others is in fact one expression of the whole that I have separated myself from. It’s essential for me to remind myself how we’ve gotten ‘very lost’ forgetting that we are in fact all equal and one, we are made of the same life, we are just existing in a multiplicity of forms and ways to the point that we’ve forgotten where we come from.

It of course now seems a bit naïve for me to even look at the possibility of us being able to realize this ‘today’ and live in fact ‘together as one’ as some songs have dreamed of. It is worth considering this, but I am quite realistic about the situation we are living in at the moment in our world and what I see is the prominent polarization, extremism and confrontation of all of the innumerable ways we have separated ourselves from through these very judgments, opinions and definitions that ‘separate us’ or ‘identify us’ in separation from others.

We are seeing the inevitable conflicts, confrontations, wars and constant tension and fighting that is being created now as we face all of those judgments, ideas, beliefs, perceptions we have held towards one another throughout the entirety of our existence. In essence it is a relevant thing for me to remind myself that we may have different shapes and colors on top, but we are essentially all made of the same dough, of the same life, we have just separated ourselves from each other in all these various forms to the point where we’ve forgotten that we are in fact ‘one and equal.’

Why do I find it useful to remind myself of this in times like today? I keep track of the global events mostly at a political and social level – and what’s currently visible is how the differences that we can see ‘on the surface’ are more prevalent than ever today and causing a serial form of ‘outrage’ in everyone without a second thought to even consider what I just explained above. It baffles me how bad things can get when people get defined with their cookie-cutter shape and forget the essence of who we all are as life, as humans in this case. I realize how we have wrongly ‘empowered’ ourselves through words, not using them to flourish and give birth to life – as we practice with Living Words – but how we have used them to do the opposite, to destroy life in all forms and ways. This is our current truth, and we can change it, but takes self-work to do that.

Sure some might consider that we’ve been always on war, always killing each other, always separating ourselves according to races, political ideologies, genders, sexual and any other form of preferences, religions, etc. However! Not many are aware of or could conceive that all of those identity labels are opinions, are judgments and they will eventually have to be realized as such to stop this seemingly endless charade. Sure, it might not take a few generations only, but it needs to start right here, right now because the process is in motion and it’s here to stay, no matter how long it takes.

Process is precisely that decision that life itself has taken in its utmost expression to no longer accept and allow separation, to bring through the expression of life itself in a way that is self-supportive no longer bound to ways, systems and forms that are meant to control – in the negative connotation of the word – life. Control is not something bad in itself though, as a word it is useful, for example we have to have control of our bodies to function properly. I see it more as a direction that we take on, but currently, we are just playing out the ‘play’ of separation, of deception, of conflict, of essentially perceiving ‘the others’ as separate from ourselves. That is a form of control that is perpetuated through judgment. And it is not only ‘externalized’ towards others, but it exists within ourselves, and it’s been there from the very moment of our primordial separation… that’s how far ‘mind control’ goes in fact.  

We have allowed ourselves to make it normal to judge ourselves by our character – the ways and personalities we have or don’t’ have – and our bodies, in terms of the shapes, forms, colors it may have and we make of it a ‘big deal’ to concern us about that, in terms of how we believe ‘others will see us’ and how they will judge us.

word

n   noun: a single distinct meaningful element of speech or writing, used to form sentences with others.

 

judgement (also judgment)

n   noun: the ability to make considered decisions or form sensible opinions. Øan opinion or conclusion.

 

 

 

 

Emitting a judgment is then not a ‘bad’ thing per se, but it is so that currently based on our – for the most part – lack of proper education or lack of awareness on these basic principles of how we are in fact one and equal, we have come to disregard the life that we are in all its forms and how we relate to everything-else-that-is-ourselves-too in ways that are for the most part degrading, inferiorizing, deprecating, and the list goes on. In essence, we haven’t learned or weren’t taught How to LIVE words that are supportive, that nurture one’s life, that consider the life of others-that-are-me-as-well in the same way, because… we just conveniently ‘forgot’ who we really are as one and equal, as a whole that is an expression of Life itself. It is seemingly ‘easier’ to fight wars than work on an inner-process to create self-responsibility and honor the life that we are equal-to-each-other.

I know this is nothing new, it’s been written in many sacred books in various ways and in different philosophies throughout time, but strangely so, it has remained as some kind of ‘unified theory’ and holistic view of life that appears to be ‘way out there’ and has not been made practical, feasible and realistically doable – dare I say until now. This has created a seemingly ‘comfortable separation’ between all of those wise words pronounced by various philosophers, thinkers or prophets throughout history, and we’ve caged them into books of ‘religious doctrines’ or ‘quack theories’ that we have relegated to oblivion, but never really learned how to make the whole set of wise words and advices something practical.

Why am I so passionate to always go back to this ‘beginning of existence’ type of topics? Because this is something that I somehow ‘knew’ as a little girl and got confirmed of it through studying the Eqafe.com audios that explain the history of existence, all the material at Desteni, Heaven’s Journey To Life (read at least the 100 first posts that describe all aspects on this topic) and everything that Bernard Poolman shared to the public, which is not a ‘light read’ but by life itself, it’s been the one source of understanding that I am again eternally grateful to be aware of because as I was saying, it was soothing for me to know that that which I felt or acted on at some level was in fact a reality.

As a child I had some ‘weird’ ways of being such as not wanting to hit things because I considered they could feel as well, I wasn’t ‘mean’ to other people or thought bad about them because I cared about other children by imagining what it would be to be ‘them’ as well. I would get very sad and depressed as a child upon seeing that some children would not behave that way towards me… and starting to recognize evil in humanity and so how it played out in reality became a source of existential anguish that I tried to understand for many years by deliberately creating my own forms of ‘understanding’ what led people to act and behave in certain ways, including myself eventually as I reached my teenage years and I saw myself creating desires that I wanted to fulfill and would clash in an explosive manner with my parents. Yet, I wanted to know ‘why’ we were all so lost, so hopeless and helpless…. And yes I went through several routes as philosophies, books, spiritualties and religions until I essentially stopped on my tracks when I got to listen to the Desteni message on January 30th 2008, a memorable date in my life that would forever change who I am, for the best.

The message of oneness and equality, as ‘euphemistic’ and ‘ethereal’ it may sound, to me it means the comprehension of who I am as part of this world, why I am here and what we are doing in this process is precisely to turn the tables from the mess we’ve made of ourselves – consequently of life itself – and to direct ourselves, to deliberately change our ways so that we can become ‘whole’ again. This doesn’t mean or imply that everyone will be holding hands as we run through the fields in an everlasting happiness…. This means simply being able to be a human being that considers that it IS possible to be the best that you can in whatever you do and wherever you are and with whomever you are around and from that, if everyone lives this: we go in fact shaping the new forms of living, the new expressions, using the words that express life itself, that expresses that ‘best version of ourselves’ that we know we currently aren’t, yet we know the potential is here, because we all can see what is currently very wrong in our world or at least the aspects that are causing conflicts and what everyone would want in order for all of us to live at a relative and acceptable peace.

It’s all the judgments, the imposition of opinions through charged adjectives that we believe ‘we are’ that separates us. This is a very ‘simplistic’ way of putting it, but it is in fact so… it is so that it is THAT silly to realize what we are in fact fighting and killing ourselves for something that exists merely in our minds as words made judgments, turned into weapons and deprecating words.

Is it difficult to live this realization? It is at times hard to see people getting lost in all sorts of separation and division – all words that lead to actions that perpetuate this separation. It baffles me, but now I create an understanding about it so as to remind myself in a simple moment of all of this that I’ve realized and understood throughout the years, so that I no longer get angry or sad about it. I also slip out of myself at times and get into the realm of separation through opinions, judgments, fears, ideas I create about others and that I speak and act on.  And at the same time, I’ve learned to not judge myself for it, because I know how deep this ‘conditioning’ goes, I am aware this has become the most ingrained way to ‘be’, that’s how it takes a deliberate decision to recognize any mistake or fall and from there to deliberately decide to correct myself in relation to it, to change myself and ‘my ways’ to become a more life-encompassing being.

Encompassing is a cool word as I see it, it embraces, it holds, it contains the whole, it also contains the word ‘compass’ as a direction that I can consider every time that I get lost in separation. It also sounds like compassion which I’ve also recently decided to redefine as a consideration, an understanding, and so this is also pertinent to remind myself whenever I get ‘lost in my ways’ essentially. To consider the whole, to put it simply.

The first time that I heard the series ‘The Secret History of the Universe’ it was like a revelation I have been waiting to understand, it was like a ‘Eureka’ moment for me, and from there it was like taking a soothing aid for my soul so to speak, I’m not even joking about this. I bring through to my awareness the essential aspects that I got from listening to this series in order to remind myself of who we really are and where we are going – I do this whenever I seem to get ‘lost in the mind’ and in certain experience. I especially do this whenever I read the multiple forms of judgments, bullying, calling names, complaining, blaming and the list goes on of words and declarations going on in our world through media and social media today. It too is part of revealing ourselves to each other, I remind myself that we have to bring through the common sense through it, but I also realize that it will take time for the mess to be sorted out, because we are currently in the ‘explosive’ face so to speak. It’s not a happy ride, but it’s a necessary phase, this is the real face of the revelation, the apocalypse as many called it. This is it! Seeing our truth through our words, thoughts and deeds.

This process is the only way with which I’ve been able to ‘soothe my existential pain’ and the series I mentioned above was one of the reasons for it, so I recommend it as an essential part of one’s self.-awareness process. I even suggest making notes, perhaps little drawings that assist in understanding it. I decided to make a photo back then to point out the obvious and what seemed like a very big ‘duh!’ moment for me J

Enjoy this and many other series on Eqafe currently available through the amazing opportunity that the Eqafe Unlimited  plan brings… as I always say, it will change your life if you dare to live the realizations you get from all the material there.

That’s it! Enjoy these audios that speak of the specific moments that got me to have this ‘Eureka’ moment:


Separation is just a concept

 

Join in if you want to start walking your own process of defining your Self-Honesty

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218. Revolting Is Not the Way to Change–Education Is

 

War Against Ourselves: Revolting means your are Part of the Problem, causing more ‘Harm’ than any form of actual change with ‘good intentions.’ The road to hell is paved with them, isn’t it? It’s easier to oppose than taking Self Responsibility. The obvious functioning of our society as a polarized system of good and bad defined as forces that can be currently counted and defined by money is the point missed within this all – and where does money originate from? An individual and collective agreement of this world being run by a force that has never been equalized to the benefit of all. Hence trying to ‘change the system’ without understanding, is only accelerating self-destruction than being any form of actual aid/ support to stop the massive obliteration we’re committing upon life on a daily basis as the result of our egotistic trips to become either the ‘saviors/ revolutionaries’ or the ones that take most of the cake – anyhow, we’ve all walked in both pairs of shoes.

 

We can only create characters that oppose the system out of ignorance OR deliberate neglect to take responsibility for ourselves as this world system. How can any Real Change stem from denying the cause and origin of the problem being existent within us, within our very own participation? Opposing the world system, the monetary system without understanding the representation of our very own human physical body configuration externalized as our current society through what we are now witnessing as the massively scavenging force of ‘Capitalism’ and creating further attempts to mitigate the problem with concepts like ‘Communism,’ but Never focusing on that which generates the problem in the first place: The Human Being.

 

Marshall McLuhan not only was right in terms of how we’ve externalized our internal functioning of the mind as our current media, but essentially the entirety of how our mind functions is and has become the world system today – unless this is realized, we’ll continue playing characters that oppose and at the same time, propitiate the necessary opposition in order to generate the current world system wherein we have several protests, wars, revolutions around the world Asking for Change – but, has anyone really for a moment stopped to wonder Who and What we are essentially revolting against? If we are all one and equal then, is it that we are maybe not seeing, realizing and understanding that that which we are fighting and complaining about invariably exists within Us as well?

 

This is what must be understood in Self-Honesty: playing characters that pretend to change the world or save the world is another egotistical act as I’ve exposed here, and one of absolute comfort as it’s best to blame and judge and retaliate against ‘others,’ than taking Self Responsibility – and this is what we are here to expose, share in order to Educate ourselves about that which has never been taught in our schools or in our families, not to say our general environments in this current world system:  we can only change the world if we Live an understanding of how we function as our minds, as our physical bodies, to what extent everything we do, say and act upon creates a consequence not only for ourselves, but as the totality of who and what we are as humanity, as the world.

 

That is a process of Self-Education and through our blogs within the 7 Year Journey To Life, the Eqafe interviews, the Desteni material as well as the Desteni Forum and the Equal Money System, we are presenting our personal processes stepping out of the Mind Characters and taking responsibility for everything we had blatantly neglected thus far: how we are in fact the very creators of our world and there’s nothing or no one to blame or fight against, it is about creating solutions and stopping our individual brainwashing that has caused more separation and opposition than any form of real living awareness.

 

 

The Revolutionary Character:

Self Commitments (Part 1)

I commit myself to educate myself and share with others what I’ve realized in relation to how we’ve become the result of the environmental conditions that we’ve been exposed to as our current world system, wherein if we are born in capitalism = we’ll support the obtaining of wealth, power as money equating success and fear everything that opposes such ‘well being’ ideal; and similarly, if I had been born in a communist country, I would be hating the capitalists and create a sense of superiority based on what I would then be indoctrinated with to believe that communism is ‘the savior and the key in this world’ – all of it based in nothing else but two polarities that in no way have in fact Supported Life to be LIVED in Equality – and this is what must be absolutely clear within this: We as the Equal Money System proposal have No direct precedent in this world as there has been No world-system in the past that has been the absolute materialization of the realization of what supporting All Living Beings Equally implies – within this

 

I commit myself to expose how anyone that is thus fearing Equality as Life by the mere fact of it being linked to any previous form of government or social organization, must understand the history of humanity as a perfectly planned enslavement system with no actual change in the entirety of humanity to the benefit of All, because all changes had only been envisioned at the level of countries/ races/ cultures in the past and Never before taken to a global scale wherein No countries, No Races, No languages, No Cultures, No Religions stand as a barrier to implement a common sensical System that works on physical terms and the essential basis of physical requirements to live, to satisfy in order to be able to be a functional living race along with the rest of the species/ living beings that are equally here in this world, our reality.  Therefore

 

I commit myself to create a point of common sense in my personal living at all times which implies that I cannot in any way form a judgment, an opposition, an experience toward another human being at the level of emotions or feelings that would lead me to create my own personal definition opposing to ‘others’ which is the essence of the revolutionary/ opposition character, wherein I had thought that through opposing and exposing the system I could make a change, without realizing that as long as we expose and identify the problems of the system but do Not contribute to an actual solution, we remain only as part of the problem and Not the solution –

 

I commit myself to share how the solution is thus not a magical formula that can be implemented to suddenly work and get to a point of equality in this world – no –  I paraphrase Bernard Poolman when he said that No system will change the world unless the Human Being Change, and that is also part of what must be realized within the Implementation of the Equal Money System, it won’t be an instant solution for humanity – it will alleviate the level of suffering, pressure and stress that everyone is living in due to the survival-mode we’ve existed as due to accepting and allowing our current systems to function the way they do. Thus, it will be a basic point of support that will allow human beings to have the necessary time to get Real Self-Education and Understanding of Reality at a level that we have never done before as humanity, because we had lived essentially as a perfect enslavement system/ plan with no ability to see beyond our own preferences and purposes in life that would only be based on the perpetuation of the same system of opposed forces with no common sense. 

 

I commit myself thus to be part of the people in this world that commit for Life, to be part of the platform of support for all beings that are willing to Stand up and Take Self Responsibility, not only for what is perceived as ‘personal benefit,’ but within the understanding that once that you are Aware of the problem, you cannot just keep it to yourself and be ‘fine’ within you after you’ve gotten to a point of self-stability. One thus realizes the basic factor that was always missed within any form of change/ revolution in society: No One is Free Until ALL Is Free – and that is the ultimate definition of Freedom that I commit myself to live as, within a principled living wherein I am no longer directed by personal ideals and beliefs of ‘who’ as a revolutionary character can be and become, but instead work, live and function as an Equal within this social organism that we must take responsibility for individually and collectively.

 

I commit myself to expose and educate myself and others to see how there is no ‘them’ that we can oppose and create further antagonism toward, which is the basis of the revolutionary/opposing/antagonist character that I had cultivated as myself, but that we can only create a solution if we consider and regard All beings  as equally responsible and equally capable of establishing a solution. 

 

Within this all, I see, realize and understand that communism is just another boogie-man that is opposed within the environment that I grew up in as a capitalist society that was conditioned to fear anything that would be related to ‘equality’ or ‘socialism’ without really being informed of what an actual socialism or communism would entail, which has never existed in humanity. And as such, realizing as well how we have to absolutely get past of any previous conceptions of what ‘Change’ entailed in this world system through revolutions, protests, opposition, coup d’états and any other form of revenge toward a system that we have All been equally participating in, and that we have All collectively agreed upon and continue to support the moment that we believe there is something to oppose, fight against, retaliate or create further wars to ‘change’ them/ others in any way. That is the basic platform that any so-called ‘revolutionary character’ must understand:

 

We will get Nowhere if we continue fighting against each other no matter how much in your consciousness you may see others as ‘the evil’ and ‘the bad guys’ – unless you understand to the T how this reality is created and how we are all equally participants, you’ll keep playing the necessary opposition upon which this entire system is based upon, never realizing that even the opposition was necessary to upgrade the same system over and over again – and the proof is that there has never been any actual Change in Reality toward the betterment of all beings’ lives in this world, but only further wars, destruction, to further retrograde outflows that have prevented us all from realizing one single thing: We won’t ever thrive unless it is through establishing a System that recognizes all individuals as Equals.

 

I suggest investigating the solution we are proposing as an outflow and realization of all of this process of seeing how solutions can only exist if we stop playing our individual characters that support the division and opposition between men, and instead focus on the common sensical aspects that we require to work on, in order to support one another to step out of and stop participating in the self-enslavement personalities that we’ve become either seeking positivity, power and success or seeking revenge, hating, blaming, judging which are the basic aspects that we’ve all played in one way or another, creating the obvious polarity that is existent within this world at the moment, wherein there are wars simply because of characters opposing each other’s self definition that can only exist as knowledge and information, and Never have considered Common Sense as What’s Best for All as living-flesh organisms that Live in the same World.

 

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206. Self Sabotage Is Self Interest

When our preferences as likes and dislikes become an obstacle to self-change and leading us to a position wherein we will be most effective, we must know: we are Still Mind Controlled.

 

Continuation of the Elite Character – Self Interest when wanting to ‘Change the World’

 

I’m continuing with the point of Self Interest and this time, I got cool perspectives from Mr. Anu – I am aware I can get to an extreme point of wanting to just ‘give it all away’ and almost deny to myself these ‘bits of heaven’ that we have left in our world without which, I agree with Mr. Anu here, we would go insane quite fast. So, what I see mostly in terms of for example, my current ‘lifestyle’ – ‘all I can say is that my life is pretty plain.’ Obviously this ‘simplicity’ is backed up by having enough money to buy food whenever I require it and pay for the rent/ services and the occasional treat, which is not so much buying physical stuff any more, but maybe going somewhere in the city every now and then or paying for my coffee, nuts, stuff that is not absolutely necessary to live, but that I consider are my bits of heaven – if you wanna call it that.

 

So, what I will be walking in self forgiveness are the points of Self Interest that I actually reviewed after I wrote my blog yesterday, and noticed a desire to be in a position of power/ leadership  so, what I’ll be doing is walking this desire and placing it through common sense. This position obviously is directly linked to the ‘elitist character’ wherein even if I was aiming at/ wanting to create a change in this world, I was not fully willing to give up my personal interests and ‘position’ in society. If I could guess the pattern that I have lived throughout my lives based on what I see within myself is being a dissident in society that would end up aspiring being in a ‘powerful’ position to create a change/ revolution in this world, but in the end, missing out the personal relationships aspect, ending up depressed or mostly discouraged and alienated from society, as that point of powerlessness is definitely something that has remained as the primary aspect of – also – Self Interest wherein I go into a giving-up mode and see it all as a ‘lost cause’ without realizing that it is just me in my mind making it all seem bleak and impossible, without even having actually placed into application my own realizations and be within the system fully to test this out for myself.

 

Thus, I am aware what type of weaknesses there are and these are also self-interest because at the moment it’s not like I’m living in a wondrous place safe and healthy place with luxuries, lol no – so to me giving up stuff would mean like giving up the weather that I so enjoy or giving up the ability to buy some peanuts that are quite cheap, or buy gourmet coffee from an expert, giving up going out for walks alone before night time and having a relative stable life with not so much money to squander, not so much ‘conflict’ either apparently. Would I want this to remain like this for longer? Not really, I’ve had two years and a half of it and I’d say it’s enough. So, my self interest is then more veered to that, keeping myself in a position wherein I am not living to my fullest potential yet because there has been an inherent polarity conflict of wanting to remain ‘in the background’ and then at times wanting to also be a spear head and some type of leader  – lol, so all about recognition and non-recognition as a relationship in terms of ‘who I am’ and what I’ll be doing in my life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow me to limit myself and my every day living and actually directing me to a position in which I can in fact support me and become more effective and stable within my reality- not only for myself, but for others as well-  due to all the points that I have linked to self interest in the place where I am at the moment, wherein it is a comfortable ‘stagnant’ situation of limited ‘treats’ and limited or no-luxury at all in order to also create an attempt to ‘redeem’ myself from my past interests in having a ‘good life,’ which I see is the polarity point of almost wanting to ‘punish’ myself for everything that I desired in the past, which doesn’t make sense as who I am at the moment cannot be determined by what I desired in the past as fame, fortune/money and having a general luxurious lifestyle that I programmed myself to want to experience from the time when I was a little girl.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to remain in a limited position in my life in order to ‘prove’ to myself that I can be alone/ without much luxury, I stop and I breathe – I realize that limitation is linked to a point of punishment or wanting to ‘redeem’ myself from a point of desiring a ‘good life’ in my past and as such, I cannot continue defining who I am at the moment based on the desires of the past as that would mean wanting to ‘make up for’ what is already gone and done. Thus, I direct myself to realize that the limitations and comfort perceived is only what is comfortable at a mind level and that what matters is to place myself in a physical position wherein I am most effective in this process that I am walking and committing myself to live for, which implies actually taking on full responsibilities and pushing myself to be more effective at everything that I do, determining myself and my life to be and become what is best for all.

 

I realize in the end it becomes an actual point of satisfaction when directing myself to do what I am required to do and walk it effectively and this is something that I have ‘forgotten’ about simply because when participating in the mind, we seek positions within our reality that will mostly satisfy only our personalities our likes and dislikes and essentially a point of constant conflict that the mind is most likely benefitting itself from – listen to the Quantum Mind Series  for that /chapters 26/27 – and that is what I see is currently the obstacle that I’ve created for myself in my reality, a point of self interest to remain in a conflictive situation instead of actually dedicating ourselves to a position wherein we are able to support each other to create a world that is livable for generations to come.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that the sense of powerlessness or apathy that runs through from every now and then is still allowing me to be demotivated by myself as the mind, instead of focusing on the reality as the consistency that we are walking here as within this process sand that I see, realize and understand won’t ever give us a ‘positive kick’ as an energetic experience about my apparent ‘preferences,’ but that this is the actual self-willed movement that is a matter of principles and when living by principles of doing and committing ourselves to that which is best for all within the current state we are living in this world, will seem like really slow and walking almost in a futile way, yet, the reality is that this process is walked bit by bit, person by person and it must begin with ourselves. It doesn’t really matter how much it takes as I have explained to myself before how it’s not about what I get to live in this lifetime, but that I ensure that I play my part/ contribute with the ‘cause’ which in the end is ourselves as well, as we are all as one and equal and living this process for the betterment of all beings here and the world in itself, which is actually something that should not even require a motivation to do, but simply a single self-realization decision that cannot involve further energetic experiences once that we understand how such energy as positive or negative experiences, has become the very problem in this world, wherein we have only regarded how we ‘FEEL’ about reality/ our lives, instead of focusing on the physical matters that require immediate attention and will never be fixed by us feeling good or bad about it, but requires actual processes of education and correction at an individual and collective level.

 

When and as I see myself being trapped in the self interest of apathy, dullness and powerlessness toward the process we’re walking. I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am making up excuses in my mind to not move based on getting an experience about our process of self-correction only to give-into the  mind again, which is then an entire mechanism of self-manipulation. Thus, I direct myself to physically direct myself to continue with the tasks, points at hand that I am taking responsibility for and ensure that I remain here as breath – breath by breathe until I am stable here, self directive without any ‘background experience’ defining ‘who I am’ in the moment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how my own self-sabotage to not move is also based on self-interest due to wanting to remain having the ability to get my ‘bits of heaven’ such as the positive experience that I have linked to the weather in this country and the cheap prices to buy things that I like like nuts and coffee, or getting the occasional luxuries at my parents house, which implies one thing: I am preventing myself from moving just because of these small moments, tiny experiences that I have created as a positive thing in my reality and based on that, creating an excuse as to why I don’t want to move, which is ludicrous yet the most ingrained aspect that I simply overlooked because of deliberately not wanting to see how it is ‘the small things’ that I have used as an excuse to not move. Within this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘minimize’ my self interest to ‘petty unimportant things’ without realizing to what extent I was actually being moved by my desire to remain in an ‘non-changing ‘ position due to having linked ‘change’ to a point of distress and anxiety in the past. Pain!

 

When and as I see myself using excuses such as ‘pain’ and distress and anxiety when considering all that must be required to be done, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is part of the mechanisms wherein I blow things out of proportion in the mind and pulling out memories of experiences to justify my current experience toward a future projection point which is not really acceptable at all, because it’s all being created at a mind level.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use self sabotage as a way to remain within my self-interested position which is really linked to my preferences as likes for a certain weather which I must be brutally honest is linked to fall and winter here, being able to buy coffee, going out for walks – as I see and realize that my point of self interest is really only a Mind-fixation that is in no way even something that ‘gratifying’ in terms of being something that supports the totality of myself to live and become a being that is an example of what Living is all bout, but I am in fact still basing my ‘enjoyments’ and self-interest as ephemeral experiences that I can absolutely ‘give up’ in order to move on to a self supportive position not only for myself but for all as equals.

 

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how my excuses and justifications are just points of preference that I realize I have to let go of and not within the sense of me having to stop all these ‘bits of heaven’ but simply have to consider that relationship I have formed toward my environment and my so called ‘freedom’ at the moment because of being alone.  Hence

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually not want to give up my ‘freedom’ apparently linked to living alone and within this it is like keeping myself in a safe box wherein I am not constantly facing myself with others, which is a point of resistance that I created based on memories of a polarized experience of ultimate joy and happiness with the ultimate stress and inner conflict that I realize I never sorted out for myself and as such, only kept the ‘bad imprinted experiences’ as a way to sabotage myself and believe that I am ‘okay’ and ‘better here’ because of me really not facing the actual points that will lead me to get out of my mind and little bubble faster, so this is currently the actual self interest that I see, realize and understand is the most prominent and the real deal of it all, being alone. Which is ludicrous since we are never really alone, nor do I live absolutely alone, nor am I in a cabin in the woods, however being alone in the sense of not having to constantly ‘deal with’ another person/ other people in my reality because of how I have defined that to be rather stressful and uncomfortable which is then, again, self interest – as I see and realize that I am playing a polarity of wanting to live with others and at the same time still wanting to remain as that ‘oddity’ of myself of wanting to be alone. (as discussed in  the blog: 119. Oddity: Please, Leave Me Alone)

 

When and as I see myself continually using excuses as to keep myself within my ‘status quo’ of apparent comfort and stability in order to remain being ‘alone’ in my reality, I stop and I breathe – I realize that keeping myself in this position is only to satisfy my personality of ‘wanting to be alone’ all the time, which I’ve had enough of for now, I have realized that I am able to live by myself without seeking for a relationship all the time – and within this tis now to realize that we are not alone in this world and that we have to cooperate and work within/ as a group and that living in a group implies facing ourselves, pushing ourselves to be better beings and that I have to step out of my individual bubble – in order to actually live to the fullest potential that I realize I can give to myself, and that requires me actually willing myself to give up all these tiny ‘bits’ that I have defined as a positive experience in my reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the current situation I am living in as a way to apparently ‘prove’ to myself that I can be alone, live without much money/ luxuries in a not pretty at all environment, which is also going into a polarity experience based on me not wanting to get used to the luxuries I had at home, the comfort of having most of what I would require or want as secondary-needs/ luxuries, due to how I have defined these luxuries such as going out for dinners, traveling around in cars, buying something that I don’t really need or even having the company of others as something that I had to ‘refrain’ from my almost desire to remain in an ascetic mode for the past two years, which is not really necessary as I see that this ‘ascetic mode’ is also self interest wherein it becomes another point of comfort that I am unconsciously refusing to let go of, which is plain ludicrous as I see and realize that I am in fact affecting others with my self interest to want to remain here and at the same time move on and direct myself to the most effective point and position in my world and related to my process – thus,

 

When and as I see myself wanting to remain in the current position that I am, I see and realize that it is because of the relationship at a mind level that I’ve formed with my environment and that within/ as the mind, I actually fear letting go of it for the constant provision to my preferences as likes and dislikes wherein I am only feeding the ‘who I am’ as a mind controlled by preferences and likes – thus I apply myself to be a self willed being as in the end, who wants to remain as a predictable robot of preprogrammed preference and likes instead of actually developing oneself to our utmost potential in the current context of our world that is requiring actual examples of what it is to live within a cause that will lead to a best for all outcome.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to keep myself bound to a limited position and with a relative ‘calmness’ due to how I have linked having a rotating position/ situation wherein lots of things have to get done to anxiety or distress or discomfort, without realizing that it is only based on the mind experience that I have linked such activities to in the past, which is quite a long time ago and thus

when and as I see myself creating the belief that I will be stressed and ‘full’ with discomfort when having lots to do in the future, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is not a matter of what I want to or like to do, this is a matter of principle and that in the end, I see that in my mind I have polarized my experiences as only Memories that I am keeping as a reason and justification to define who I am in the moment, which is unacceptable.

 

I commit myself to direct myself to the position in my world and reality that is the most effective one for me within the context of this process and what I am required to be and become. As I see that keeping myself in my current ‘status quo’ is mostly out of fear of taking on further responsibilities and actually standing fully to my utmost potential which is the self sabotage that I must be aware of every time that I link my current position as something ‘good’ or ‘positive’ which is not really so, I mean I can see it, I would not want to spend the rest of days here lol – so, breath by breath I direct myself to the point and position I realize I have to take on in my reality and breathe through any belief of why I should not do so.

I realize it is unacceptable for me to keep valuing such petty things as ‘more’ than my entire self-commitment to life and as such, it is unacceptable to continue perpetuating this ‘secretive’ self sabotage in order to remain in a ‘secured/stagnant’ position in my reality – I direct myself to not allow further manipulation within positive or negative experiences based on memories or future projections and direct myself at the physical level of doing and becoming what I require to be and become in my reality.

 

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Day 45: Rejoice when Others Fall

How come we haven’t asked ourselves: why do we enjoy and rejoice in seeing others fall?

What’s with our human nature wherein we expect others to fall, in the first place – being waiting for the moment when someone will finally give up and quit whatever point they had committed themselves to and get a ‘good feeling’ out of it, even if you are only an outside spectator of it all. And there’s the other side of the coin when we  as the ‘expected to fall’ individual actually create such ‘fall’ by accepted and allowed thoughts wherein we believe ourselves to be in a quandary, not knowing how to follow, what to do because of having ‘all eyes on you’ = in essence, listening to our voices in the head, the mind as thoughts which will always look for its own ways to continue creating conflict and perpetuating fear.

 

Conflict creates further uncertainty as the experience of ‘fearing to fall,’ which translates to a general unstable experience of ‘losing one’s ground.’  It’s like taking a thread of yarn and knitting it: one single thread suddenly becomes this thick patterned conglomeration that is no longer simple single thread: it becomes something ‘bigger’ – apparently – yet it is still a thread – it would only take walking backwards that knitting until the thread can go back to be rolled up into the one ball of yarn again. Is the knitting more special or more important than the single thread of yarn coming out of the yarn ball? Point to ponder for how we see – reality and how we add ‘value’ to matter according to the work that’s been put to it.

 

From the observer’s perspective, as this single thread gets knitted into being ‘more’ and becoming more intricate and with no apparent way out of it: we are only expecting for the moment for such thread to continue getting further into the maze and have no support to ‘come back’ to the single-thread it was, and instead of anyone caring to say: ‘hey, you are making a mess/maze of yourself, you are over-complicating yourself, it’s the other way around,’ we remain idle even when and while looking at the obvious consequences that can pull anyone to a deep end if there is no support available to make another realize: you are going the wrong way! – where is our neighborism when realizing someone is about to ‘hit the ground’ and not do anything to let them know about it? Careless-ness and actual expectation of seeing another fall to make ourselves ‘better’ by being the ones that ‘remain standing.’ This is what adds up to the mess that we believe some one else ‘staged’ for us – really? Let’s just ask ourselves: who are we within such constant expectation and secret mind desire of seeing someone falling, someone losing, someone being kicked out of some place?

 

Yes, evil in the possession of our very own unconditional flesh. Have a look at entertainment where any form of competition is made a TV reality show and the audience eventually gets more excited about seeing who will lose than who wins or develop and better themselves. We seek tragedy, we like seeing people suffer and be able to judge that from a ‘good standing position.’ Spitefulness toward life that is, carelessness, selfishness as the desire to remain ‘over others,’ wherein we secretly think: great, one mouth less to feed/ one less to fight against in this competition of a dog-eat-dog world.

 

See how far we’ve driven ourselves wherein instead of caring to promote an answer to the problems in this world that WE created, as to point out why and how we are all co-‘manifestators’ of this reality,  we prefer to spread separation and retaliation even further with no solution at all – and no public opinion is prepared to actually carry enough understanding to propitiate actual education about the functioning of our world/ reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a positive experience within me as ‘being powerful/ being more than others’ when seeing others fall/ lose/ get lost as this implies that they are ‘les capable/ able/ stable/ committed/ prepared/ enthusiastic/ hard working’ than me – which is then implying that I am seeing everyone as a potential competitor that I must ‘beat’ in order to feel at ease and feel like being ‘winning’ all the time, which is the experience that comes through blame, spite and abuse toward others in other for me to prevail and remain ‘standing’ in contrast to others, which means that I have reduced myself, my life to being only a comparative conglomeration of knowledge and information that has defined its ‘beingness’ according to others’ as reference point, instead of me being my own reference point as to what it is to stand in Self Honesty where our own thoughts, words and deeds demonstrate our own commitment to life – and allow such thoughts, thoughts and deeds to reveal the ‘true nature’ of what we are accepting and allowing ourselves to exist as the mind only, which means that any form of experience gotten from seeing/ realizing how others are living their own lives is simply spitefulness as the ego seeking to get its positive-energy fix in order to remain within the self-created idea of ‘winning.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts of expecting someone to fall in order to prove ‘my point’ which is always that of diminishing others to a single pattern of self-defeatism and preprogrammed flaws wherein I have become the very perpetrator and equal abuse when participating in such hideous backchat that is at all times, seeking to win no matter what, seeking to ‘remain on top’ and ‘beat any enemy,’ which means that I have made of myself my own greatest enemy as I am only competing against myself and expecting myself to fall, which implies that the starting point of my beingness is not here as self equal and one – moment by moment – standing a self-willed, but compromised to being defined according to others and using others as a measurable point to see ‘who I am,’ which is absolute self-deception and self-sabotage as there is nothing and no-one I am actually directing such thoughtful experience of ‘expecting others to fall’ but toward myself only.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘who I am’ is able to fall and lose any form of actuals substance in that, wherein all that can be ‘lost’ is the idea that I’ve kept of myself and others in my mind, wherein self-determination in every moment of breath to be here cannot be ‘more’ or ‘less than’ – I realize that I have lived a life wherein a thread of yarn is seen as ‘less than’ an entire sweater, even if the physicality of it is the same, I have placed more value onto the ‘over-wrought’ idea of who I am, while neglecting the fact that the only physicality of it is a single thread of yarn. Within this I realize that I have participated in the value-system that separates life into energy that can be either positive, negative or neutral according always seeking to be ‘the best/ the unbeatable’ as that ultimate positive experience that can only stem from this initial point of conflict as the separation accepted and allowed toward others, and seeing ‘others’ as separate from self, which is only the mind’s ego asserting its specialness in the name of self-glorification as the illusion of ‘winning.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever believe and be conditioned by the thought ‘all eyes are on me’ wherein I allow myself to compromise myself, my own standing here as it being ‘something’ for others, instead of realizing that with me standing in self-trust and supporting me in the most optimum way, I am simply able to expand that point of support for others in equality, wherein there is no special-generation of satisfaction ‘toward’ others, but remain self-honest in supporting me and share as to extend that same realization in equality.

 

I forgive myself that I have ever accepted and allowed myself to victimize me within thinking that ‘all eyes are expecting me to fall’ wherein I eventually would retreat and ‘get away’ from the spotlight because of believing that ‘I was not able to keep up with it,’ and in that sabotaging myself by having actually heard the voices in my head that were constantly threatening me/ me threatening myself to exist in constant fear, anxiety and paranoia of not being able to follow my schedules, routine and doing things ‘my way,’ wherein I instead allow me to go to the extreme opposite of apparently ‘not caring/ being careless’ which is just a mind’s justification to make my own insecurity, my own self doubt as an experience that was triggered ‘by others’ instead of taking self-responsibility for my own creation at all times.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fears of ‘falling’ and projecting that onto others when ‘expecting others to fall’ in order to only prove ‘who I am’ as being ‘always right/ being self righteous’ which allows me to then feel better/ more than/ positive about ‘me remaining standing’ which means that any form of competition, rivalry, comparison is just another ingrained aspect of our human behavior in order to survive and participate in the survival of the fittest to make sure that we ‘make our space’ in the dog eat world, wherein we are taught from a very early age that we will be competing and striving to ‘make a living’ for an entire lifetime, without realizing that if we are able to give this to ourselves unconditionally, our entire starting point of human relationships will change as there will be no more energetic dependence as money, actual resources and competition of ideas of self, as all will have an ability to live in dignity.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the value-system imposed onto life, wherein I am able to compare myself against others, without realizing that each one’s lives are determined by specific aspects/ contexts that cannot possibly be ‘the same’ in two beings – therefore I realize that any thought related to a positive or negative polarity projected onto another, is simply me as ego, as personality seeking to survive and thrive upon bashing/ diminishing/ proving others wrongs as a way to prove ‘to others’ and myself that ‘I am better/ I can adapt quicker’ which implies that I have reduced my beingness, the physicality of who I am to a single idea that competes and opposes others for the sake of creating enough friction/ conflict in spite, blame and justification in order for me to be able to say: ‘I told you so, I was right’ which is just another egotistical confirmation that ‘I am my mind only’ which is the very brick of self-abuse that must be stopped at all times within myself, and stop projecting such ideas upon others in a constant manner as to be able to ‘have things working my way’ instead of always considering what is best for all life to live and stand as, wherein all beings are equally committed to develop themselves to their utmost potential and no more accept and allow seeds of anger, blame, retaliation and competition to exist.

 

I realize that within me being the point that stops ‘thinking’ about myself as an ‘ideal’ to uphold in relation to others, this point of survivalism as constant competition ends.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to perpetuate this monetary system that exists as imposed values onto ourselves/ who we are as one and equal in the name of our personal positive experience wherein our very nature is revealed as that of spite, abuse and constant competition in order for me to obtain my glory, attention and deification of who I am as personality/ energy/ ego as the mind through values that are translated into being successful/ surviving in this system wherein life is neglected and all that remains is money for one’s own personal power and glorification.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself t deny support to another just because of wanting to ‘see them fall’ and get my positive experience out of it, which is plain evil yet this is how the mind actually operates wherein we would rather see someone hanging from a cliff and get a kick out of it instead of unconditionally moving ourselves as equals wherein such extreme would not even exist as we would prevent at all times another from even getting close to the cliff, as I realize that the only one that I am spiting, abusing and excusing is myself as my own ego – thus, at all times when and I see myself waiting to see someone fall, I realize that I am only exerting the evil nature that I am here to correct, in the name of who we are as one and equal wherein all ego, all desires to win and be ‘above others’ is stopped at the very insinuation that implies seeing another fall for our own benefit and ‘position,’ rather than unconditionally supporting to walk as equals and realize that anything that leads us to ‘fall’ is self-created at a mind level = it is not who we really are and are able to stop, self forgive, correct it and make sure we do not allow ourselves to be defeated by our own participation in the mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have ever accepted and allowed myself to believe that we were born to compete and strive to get ‘the most of the cake’ within this world, wherein the ‘fall’ from another would signify one more chance for me to ‘make it’ and ‘be on top’ and ‘be the winner,’ which is only the consequence and outflow of our current monetary system that is implying that we cannot possibly exist as equals as that would imply the very death of our ideal of specialness, superiority, power and control over others, which is precisely what must be stopped in order for life in equality to be established as a living principle at all times toward all living beings in this world.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see competition as a form of entertainment wherein I haven’t realized that I actually enjoy and get a positive experience out of seeing someone fall and get kicked-out/ lose as a way to vicariously experience the triumph in an imaginary way which is what the media’s purpose is about: generating experiences within the mind at the safety of your own couch.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not realize that who I am in this very desire of seeing someone fall is the absolute possession of evil as the evil nature of my own mind that I have accepted and allowed myself to become, wherein all that mattered is my own survival as ‘the winner’ as the one that is ‘always right’ and in this, seeing another’s fall as another triumph of my own expectations and prejudices toward others being ‘confirmed’ as ‘real,’ because of deeming the mind as something predictable and people as predictable patterns, without realizing that I am obviously within them mind also a predictable pattern that is only seeking to continue existing as that ‘self-righteous winner’ personality at the expense of the suffering and discomfort and actual disgrace that any fall may entail within a being’s life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate the fall/ the death of someone as ‘more space for me’ within the world, which is implying the ultimate self interest wherein I create only a mind relationship toward those that ‘fall’ and ‘who I am’ as one and equal is nowhere to be found, otherwise I would realize that only one that I have been spiting and separating myself from is: myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever consume myself within having constant thoughts of competition, rivalry, jealousy toward others wherein I am only ‘expecting them to fall’ so that I can finally get over with the constant conflict and be ‘alright’ again, ‘safe’ in my mind-throne, instead of realizing that I am able to stand as equal to anyone in this reality without having to create any form of rivalry, as this is only indicating that myself as the ego of the mind is wanting to exert its influence and abuse over life, which is unacceptable and I realize that it is in my hands and will the ability to stop this and any other form of separation that emerges and originates at  a through level – therefore

 

When and as I see myself participating in the very initial thoughts of comparison, jealousy, competition,  judgment toward others’ words, deeds, actions and already implying that they are ‘wrong’ and ‘I do it better,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that this pattern leads to the self-righteous spiteful act of rejoicing when others fall, which is part of the building blocks of this current monetary system that is standing as the image and likeness of who we are as survivors, as constant opponents that only seek to ‘win’ to ‘thrive’ in this world, while neglecting the actual oneness and equality of life that we actually exist as. 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept a world wherein the reflection of y own desire to survive, win, be on top and in control of all is manifested as public opinion wherein rejoicing in another’s fall is a usual way of ‘having fun’ and gaining some power over others within our minds by the ability to laugh at their mistakes, falls and personal life problems – which is what political gossip, entertainment industries and any other form of media thrives upon. This implies that I have created an entire industry out of my own evil nature that is seeking to see others fall, ridicule themselves, make mistakes, reveal their ‘true nature’ – while ignoring that the only ‘true nature’ is the one that is able to pay for/ buy/ consume such type of entertainment as a way to make ourselves feel ‘good’ for a moment in the safety of our own room.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to proliferate an industry based on sensationalism wherein the reader is voyeuristically entertaining themselves through the stories/ images that depict the fall, the ridicule, the abject depiction of reality and create a ‘good experience’ of it by deeming it as entertainment, which is and has become one of the most profitable and abusive industries within entertainment, which reveals what makes the masses content is seeing another fall/ fail and ridicule themselves which proves that: this world is the undeniable creation of every single thought, backchat, spitefulness, judgment, comparison and competition that we form as Added Values to a reality that is simply physical and that should Not be subject of any form of lucre – yet it exists as a lucrative business due to the nature that we have accepted and allowed ourselves to exist as. Therefore, all abuse begins and ends with ourselves.

 

I commit myself to stop all forms of thinking/ backchatting in relation to expecting others to fall in order to prove myself ‘right’ and feel good about it, as I realize that this is the very nature of a system that we have accepted and allowed as ‘who we are’ which is promoting the principle of divide and conquer as the way to perpetuate the illusion of power and control over others – I realize that it is only through each one of us committing ourselves to stop as this constant projection of self-interest as the desire to always  win, be on top, be powerful and  in control of others that we can establish an equal and one relationship from the realization that who we are as physical beings can coexist in  equality without requiring to fight against each other to live – within this

 

I commit myself to create and establish a world system wherein Life is the only value that exists wherein no more survivalism will perpetuate the constant strive to live, fight to be ‘on top’ and exist in any form of self-righteous ‘power over others,’ as this will be proven to be the illusion and delusion of our mind as ‘our nature’ that sought to be always ‘more’ than who and what we already are as one and equal. This implies that reality as a living-physicality does not require to fight against each other to thrive, it is only the mind that seeks constant conflict in order to gain the most energy from it to continue existing and perpetuating itself as the occupier of this physical reality – which only implies that I commit myself to give myself back to myself all the relationships of separation that I have created as my mind, as the nature of ‘who I am’ as the result of the initial separation that I chose to ‘live’ within my exertion of self-righteousness over matter, over the physical – of which the consequences are now being visibly realized by all participants in this world.

 

I commit myself to reveal how it is that it is absolutely possible to exist as equals the moment that all forms of separation is stopped within our own minds, which implies that I walk the process to first stop me as my own backchat and participation in any form of comparison and projected superiority/ inferiority toward others in order to be able to stand in equality with other human beings walking the same process in order to finally stand as the new human nature that we all want to be and exist as, once that we have freed ourselves from our own cage that we have accepted and allowed ourselves to exist as in/ as our own minds.

 

I commit myself to expose the evil nature of our beingness that we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become that rejoices in seeing others fall, in ridiculing and mocking others in the name of personal power wherein the only statement that is being presented is ‘I only feel good about myself when seeing others’ misery within falling’  and exposing the great profit that such vicarious entertainment is generating in this world, which proves that we would rather enjoy seeing others’ misery than walking a process to stop such evil nature and dare ourselves to become the point that stops any form of abuse toward another in the name of ‘personal power’ that can only exist as a form of abuse using the very life that keeps us breathing/ alive in the name of a mindfuck that gives a temporary kick as pleasure, as an addiction that we have all been consumed with/ and gotten money from.

 

I realize that the mind is able to be re-programmed, re-educated in order to serve life, serve all as equals wherein we act, speak and do that which is at all times considering life in equality – who am I as one and equal, which implies that there is no way to further continue our own separation if we are only directing ourselves according to the physical reality that is here to work with in tangible and physical matters that pertain all in this reality.

Thus, to stop the con-fusion and self-doubt that is experienced within a world wherein everything is just lies to make money, we have to make ourselves our own point of self-direction through developing common sense in a proper structure of self-support,  such as walking the Desteni I Process  as a lifetime commitment to Learn How to Live and start stopping the usual nastiness that comes when seeing others as ‘more’ than ourselves and waiting them to fall so that we, in our secret mind – can always end up winning against others. The only way to stop seeing your fellow human as an enemy is through walking the opposition and discord existent within ourselves, individually toward ourselves  through writing, applying self forgiveness and developing self-honesty to finally start living in consideration of who we are as one and equal.

Dare to expose the real evil in you as it is only through revealing to each other the very ‘secrets’ in our minds, that we can stop that binding bondage to our own damnation that emerges from a single thought that we accept in the name of personal power and identification – thus, through making ourselves aware of this, we are able to start getting to know ‘who we are’ within seeing others fall, who we are within participating in gossip, who we are within watching media/ news that make fun of politicians – who we are within bashing others in the name of personal glorification as ‘knowing better,’ while neglecting the fact that life has no preference, life has no value, life is not knowledge and life will never exist in a mind that believes itself to be superior to anything or anyone in this reality.

 

It’s Life’s way now.

 

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Day 28: I’m Always Right

The cycle of generating some form of conflict  and friction in our reality to then create and formulate ways to get ourselves out of it into a positive experience is the only way that we can be constantly accumulating these ‘pats of god’ (or god spats lol)  to temporarily satiate our constant yearn to be ‘fulfilled/ happy/ productive’ and yes, creating a sense of comfort out of that initial self-created beaten and won war against, well essentially only ourselves.


Self Righteous was my ‘flavor’ when it came to living out such pattern, and I am dead honest that I had not realized this until it was pointed out in my face while being at the farm and talking the point of ‘my way’ out, wherein I had deemed that my perceived ‘positive attributes’ didn’t have to be self-forgiven/ corrected, without realizing how they were in fact only generated out of the point that I now understand with more clarity: we birth ourselves as conflict that seeks the eternal completion/ fulfillment/ satisfaction as that positive experience that we have to constantly feed/ upkeep as an elusive ‘state of being’ that has lead us to co-create the current world system where ‘all your dreams can come true’ if you have enough millions in the hole-on-wall and enough needy people to do ‘whatever they can for you’ in exchange of some of your cake’s crumbs.



So – this constant desire to always be ‘right,’ of always having the ‘ultimate say’ becomes a ‘desire-to-always-win’ pattern wherein any window of opportunity is used to outshine and blind with lights of ‘I know it all’ wherein the more we believe we are ‘right,’ the harder it gets to turn off the light  – why? because all things related to instant gratification are easily consumed. It’s like offering a candy or a vegetable to a ‘regular’ person – they would mostly go for the candy because it creates a nice fluffy feeling, whereas the vegetable is cool for your digestive tract – yet it doesn’t recreate, instigate or enhance any feeling that makes us feel a little piece of heaven for a moment, only running out as the effect of any drug that we then seek to come back for more. The fact that we have equated ‘winning’ to ‘living’ is another one of those capitalistic logical statements that we have adopted as ‘our life’ – and within this, we have accepted ourselves to become our very own dictators of what is right/ wrong, good/ bad in our reality. We all run our own Wall Street in our mind and somehow we always manage to make the algorithms work on our favor – no different to how money runs (or is created out of thin air) in this world.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find fault in people, things, places, events in order to have the ‘ultimate say’ about it wherein in my mind, I either have to humbly accept that something is ‘cool’ and ‘alright’ or I get the most juice of it all by claiming that ‘it’s wrong, it’s not good enough, it’s flawed’ which proves that I only get the most winning-experience when in my mind I am able to find enough fault/ mistakes that I can judge in order to then correct them within my own mind and in that believe that ‘I can do/ be better than that, my idea was better’


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I always get the most of the cake/ the most positive reward whenever I am able to prove something/ someone wrong and in that, build my ego up based on ‘finding fault in another,’ wherein such projection can only exist if I seek to prove myself right according to what I ‘believe,’ and ‘what I am’ as an idea in my mind, because I see and realize that in physicality, we are all one and equal – bones, cells, tissue, organs, flesh don’t require to prove something or someone wrong or right in order to exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always place myself in my mind above others, wherein no matter what is being said, I cringe whenever there is something that I must admit is ‘right’ and in that, believe that I am ‘diminishing’ myself because of agreeing with another’s words/ statements, wherein because I didn’t get to ‘prove them wrong,’ I am left with my initial state of only seeking to make myself feel ‘more’ and ‘better’ based on placing myself ‘on top’ of others, which can only be a mental masturbation in my mind wherein my ‘success’ is stemming from bashing/ proving others wrong.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the very judge of everything and everyone in means of seeking ways to always make myself feel better about it all, which implies that I seek to ‘out do’ someone, ‘become better’ based on excelling in comparison to others, wherein I then live a life of constant and continuous strife to ‘always be right,’ because ‘being right’ has become the very definition of how I see myself, who I believe myself to be, because that’s the way that I have accepted and allowed myself to be worthy/ be acceptable/ be important toward others – in this


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live a life not for myself but as a constant comparison and projected judgment onto others, without realizing that within this very mechanism of me always ‘being right,’ I am in fact fearing and avoiding ‘being wrong’ at all cost, which implies that


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘diminish’ who I am as an idea – which is the only thing that can diminish of myself – when realizing that I was in fact ‘wrong’ within a particular circumstance wherein such experience is felt as a failure, as a ‘loss’ which is what generates envy and jealousy whenever we project such loss as an experience toward others that ‘got it right,’ and in that, create an entire antagonism based on only ‘me’ as my ego wanting to continue ‘winning’ all the time, wherein anyone that gets to be on the same/ similar position is seen as an enemy/ threat to who I am as the ego that is always right.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the very power-game that fuels the idea of myself in this immaculate self-righteous person that suffers and goes into the negative and self-deprecating person if that initial desire and projection as a ‘winner’ is not fulfilled wherein then I step down of the hill all the way down and below sea level, wherein I in fact remain ‘out of competition’ because of perceiving that ‘If I could not do it my way, then fuck it, I won’t play the game any more’, which is the usual way of victimizing myself wherein


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a victimized state that also requires to be kept ‘alive’ by me deliberately denying that I am capable/ able to direct myself effectively and believing that because I didn’t ‘get it right’ the first time, I just rather pass-on the point/ work/ assignment onto others that ‘have proven to do it right, ‘ which is not an unconditional move but an actual victimized state masked with ‘understanding, ‘which is stemming from the spiteful nature toward ourselves when not getting our immediate ‘fix’ of feeling ‘great’ for ‘always being right’ about something/ someone/ event.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the opposite polarity of believing that ‘I always fail at this/ I always get it wrong’ which also gets an energetic kick as an experience whenever another can confirm and commiserate to my own victimization, wherein them agreeing that I am in fact ‘fucked up,’ makes me – absurdly so – feel better, because I was able to get a confirmation from another of what I created for myself as ‘being wrong,’ which in a twisted energetic game becomes a ‘positive experience’ because I got seconded by another in my own mental delusion, proving in my mind that ‘I was right,’ which becomes then a perceived ‘fine’ experience in stagnant self-wrongness that eventually makes us feel ‘good’ as well, because we get the confirmation by others that ‘that’s who I am/ that’s ‘my nature’ and that’s what ‘I deal with,’ yet without the actual understanding of how I created such patterns for myself.



I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to only become a person of ‘good reputation’ when considering that all acts of such self-seeking positive nature support the maintenance of the money system running as the consequence of this desire to only win. Instead I see that any disagreement toward a point of common sense, can only allow myself to reflect within me ‘who am I’ while reading others’ blogs/ sharings and in that, see if I am trying to prove something wrong/ right when and while reading others words.


I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I was born out of conflict and in that, becoming Self-Righteous means that I get my satisfaction from being appraised as ‘always right,’ which is what then gets me out of my initial self-perception of being wrong and seeking to ‘be right’ wherein through obtaining the positive feedback, I build the conceptual confidence and stability based on compliments/ words/ perceptions that I believe is ‘who I am,’ therefore perceiving it as a way of accepting ‘who I am’ as ‘always being right’ at the eyes of others, creating me a flattery experience – without realizing that I am the only one that has structured this ‘rewarding game, ‘ wherein others’ expression is fitted into my own rules of the game to make them useful to fulfill my own created patterns of winning, losing, being recognized, being wronged by others, in that scheming my own inner conflict through positive and negative feedback that I have accepted and allowed to define ‘who I am.’


I realize that I have always only played all of these games in secret, within my mind wherein there is no ‘others eyes’ as judgments other than the thoughts that I constructed within myself at all times. This is then debunking the constant participation within the permanent comparison toward others to assess ‘where am I in relation to others,’ which can only exist within me existing as a value that can be more or less than others, which is ludicrous and can only be ‘real’ as the idea of self – never as who I really am as one and equal as life.


I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that what I in fact fear to self forgive is my ability to continue existing as a self-righteous person because in that, ‘who I am’ is exposed and mined wherein all that is left for me is to live without being a constant energy seeking machine to be ‘right’ at all times, but instead simply direct myself within the consideration of what’s best for all, wherein I am able to express in a self-directive manner wherein I ensure no backchat as comparison/ judgments/ self righteousness is being the starting point of my participation.


When and as I see myself assessing others using my right-o-meter as the mental ever-present judge that I’ve become, I stop and I breathe – I realize that all that I am ‘assessing’ is in fact my own mind, projecting judgments onto other which eventually  affect and disrate how I view others – in my mind – and in that be the point that hears/ sees within common sense wherein I allow myself to stand as the correction and then simply externalize it/ communicating, which is then being a supportive point to establish equal-relationships wherein no more competition, rivalry and judgment onto others as right or wrong is perpetuated.


I commit myself to stop the mechanism of me wanting to be right all the time in order to accumulate ‘props for my ego,’ wherein who I am and has been cannot be defined as knowledge/ information/ self beliefs to feed on. I move me as an assessment of what’s best for all in the moment, without over complicating the point by having to add ‘extra value’ to it –I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to adopt self-righteousness as my personal religion wherein everything I judge upon others ‘is and must be so’ because in my mind ‘I’m always right,’ which is used as a necessary crutch to cover up the initial uncertainty, mistrust, fear and self judgment that is polarized into a positive-view of reality wherein I make sure that I am always ‘winning’


I commit myself to stop all desires to always win, and in that, give myself back to myself that which I thought I had to ‘prove someone/ something’ wrong to, within this I am able to identify the points that I have separated myself from and in that, assess my application in practicality and living-reality wherein the only law of our being as equality and oneness can be the ultimate say in this reality, not knowledge.


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2012 The hard and soft veneers

While listening to Life Review: Keeping Quiet I saw how I was tensing my body, and my muscles were contracting and certain memories passed through my mind, specifically when he mentioned the point of  fearing conflict which was one of the reasons why I played-out and created a ‘nice person’ personality so that I could be the ‘neutral’/ stand in the middle road in all situations and be in a ‘safe zone’, be accepted which means not being opposed/contradicted, not to create any ‘enemies’ which I developed a fear for in terms of having being sort of bullied early on at school and not knowing what to do/ how to react to that, suppressing an entire shock and pretending that I didn’t care.

Interesting, this just came up as I am writing here, I hadn’t even considered that I have in fact played out both characters out of the same ‘fear of conflict.’ I created a ‘strong hold’ personality as well out of fear. This just came up as I remembered stuff like one girl wanting to asphyxiate me in the classroom, it was sort of in a ‘playing mode’ but still it affected me at the level of not knowing how to react/ what to do in such moments. She was one of my ‘best friends’ at the time. Events like these and being picked at for being a ‘smart ass’ early on in elementary school lead me to have my personal-support  coaching to ‘stand up and be stronger,’ which were words mostly provided by my mother which were ‘cool’ at the time to create a defensive mechanism of ‘I am not affected by others words toward myself’ – yet never getting an actual understanding of how or why they would react in such a way and how I simply didn’t have to participate within such judgments allowing that to obfuscate myself and create an entire experience within me.

That’s when I started developing a personality of being ‘tough’ or keeping a certain stance wherein I made sure ‘no one was able to fuck with me’ and this developed as early as elementary school into puberty.  A point that I played out in certain situations – standing within this same ‘tough/ superiority’ role is that I would deliberately test myself getting involved in opinionated conversations in school, just to prove my point right and within that, inflate my ego as this personality, which turned into superiority wherein I would then ‘not give a fuck about anyone else in this world’ because I was apparently ‘above that’/ not able to be affected. 

Now that I look at it, I’ve actually walked both polarities on and off.
One was the personality that I lived earlier in my life which is the one I have described as ‘being above it all,’ staring  at everyone with a blank-face in an ‘I don’t give a reverend fuck’ type of mode. This was also linked to what I’ve shared these past posts of believing myself to be a victim of this world, ‘not belonging here’ and having to deal with ‘stupid humans’ (playing out the superiority complex)– because that is exactly the type of thoughts I had to create in order to not exist ‘in fear’ toward other human beings. This is how I would judge and automatically ‘see’ everyone around me, wherein only those that shared the same views upon people/ this world would be the people I would hang out with – which were about 2, lol.

And as I’ve been walking this point, I can say that this is part of the physical corrections I am still walking I mean, it’s become quite a ‘way of carrying myself in this world’ wherein I would get feedback from others in how I seem to be a grumpy person all the fucking time, when I don’t ‘see’ myself as it, yet this personality has been recorded at such a physical level that I have to be completely Here, aware of myself as my breath to see how I am walking, how I am experiencing my physical body, how I am either frowning or tensing my jaw line when and while walking in the  street, stopping all instant-judgments that I would generate to virtually anyone, all in the same type of ‘shade’ as in belittling others while pretending to be ‘above that’ – yet living such belittling point within myself as an actual ‘nature’ that lead me to develop a ‘strong hold’ as a personality, a ‘hard veneer’ to present to this world, to not be vulnerable, to avoid being hurt = to avoid conflict at all cost.

The other side of the coin was later on becoming the ‘nice personality.’ It’s fascinating to look back at these two faces/ phases of my life which were clearly marked by the type of people I held as friends. Actually now that I see those two friends represented both poles – oh was it such a bomb when they lived together, it was like merging heaven and hell and me stuck in limbo. Eventually I could not keep up with both and had to ‘leave’ the friendship that supported this first aspect of playing out the strong-hold superior type of personality, the gloomy-dark times of absolute pessimism, depression and self judgment wherein I definitely resorted to paint, write and read a lot of books that would equally support this personality.  I can relate to what the man tells in this life review in terms of guarding his books like a treasure, I did the same and I was so ‘content’ with my little bubble of books, cd’s and paintings.

Back to ‘the other side of the coin’ aspect, the ‘glowing’ façade  I experienced in my late teens when having some sort of ‘spiritual awakening’ lol, changing my all black wardrobe to absolute flamboyant pieces of clothing that matched a ‘new perspective’ on life which I deemed to be ‘healthier’ and ‘full of positivity’ – I really thought of myself having ‘found the way’ while seeking some form of ‘higher purpose/ mission in life’ and presenting myself to people with this ever lasting smile, being servile, being ‘loyal’, being ‘positive’ about life, having a ‘good time’ apparently while smoking the hell away to suppress what I was in fact experiencing and still existing-as, without having had any actual direction to see how I was only creating the exact opposite of my past to apparently ‘wipe it out’ only keeping the same point in place but with a new mask that had to eventually blow out as well.

Now, I mention this ‘positive façade’ because in my mind I became very aware how I didn’t want people to antagonize me, I sought for their approval and the only way was making sure that they liked me/ accepted me = they weren’t able to tease me/ oppose me and that’s how I created a rather ‘happy’ person as a presentation of myself,  which ensured that I got everyone’s ‘appreciation’ and no one would dare to become an ‘enemy’ = fearing conflict. I can see how whenever I deemed someone to not like me, I would immediately react toward such being, which was only me projecting the inner fears that I never dealt-with in fact, because I was just covering-up all the fear with a nice benevolent and meek personality, suppressing the hell that I realized later on I had absolutely ‘blacked out’ from my experience through using weed. Yes, this I only got to know of because of all the writings I’ve kept for over 10 years now, wherein the mind-experience would come out, only to eventually forget about it all the next day. It was quite a shock for me to see how in my mind I link that time of my life as ‘glowing happy years,’ yet in fact they were also hell as I continued experiencing a constant inner-struggle and discomfort in my own skin that I simply managed to  suppress more and more all the time. This became unsustainable and it all burnt out to ashes the moment I found Desteni – thank Anu for that, otherwise fuck knows where and what I would be doing now.

The latter personality is still able to be spotted in my first vlogs wherein a bubbly personality comes-through while letting through at times the actual ‘inner experience’ that I was only covering up, which was exactly the  type of walking contradictions we have become as human beings when fighting against ourselves in our mind, and living a double life within ourselves and toward the world. Yes, complete schizophrenics, but we’re here walking our corrective process.

 

So, this point of the ‘nice person’ is still playing out at times, yet asserting myself as I go. When I was at the farm I would react whenever I would see/ hear conflict. This became so obvious to me at some point and it was so cool to face it in one definitive scenario wherein Bernard just spotted it like that:  ‘You Fear Conflict!’ – and yes I was, my entire body was in this constricted state while presenting myself to be ‘cool with it,’ yet being actually fearing to be ‘in the middle of conflict’ even if it wasn’t ‘directed’ toward myself.  Hence I had to walk through the point of realizing that I will be dealing with these situations and having to direct myself to face  reality and stopping the ‘I’m over it all’ and ‘I’m such a nice person you can’t oppose me’ personas which were created as defense mechanisms to not have to stand up in moments of perceived conflict or create any form of  perceived rivalry/ opposition/ antagonism.

What triggered both personality creations was fear and seeing ways to ‘cope’ with the fear of being vulnerable, fear of being hurt, fear of having to take responsibility for myself, fear of having to confront another, fear realizing that I was still belittling myself toward others. It becomes quite clear to see how we develop coping mechanisms to not have to stand up in common sense, which is ludicrous to even place out like this because it doesn’t make any sense to create excuses to not stand up for what we see is common sense, what we see is required to be done, lived, spoken-up about. Instead of using coping mechanisms, we have to create practical ways to face reality, that’s essentially what we’ve learned through walking this process: how to practically direct ourselves in any given situation that we would have previously simply ran away from/ shut down to not face it.

After I became aware of this fear of conflict once that it was ‘in my face,’   I’ve been walking the process of deliberately taking on points of speaking out, commenting, pressing-myself as common sense regardless of what ‘reactions’ it may trigger, because I see and realize that this is the only way to see and test who am I within those situations.  I am able to direct the point within common sense instead of just wanting to get rid of it and not having to face it at all, or having ‘others’ to do it for me, or eventually just pretending that ‘I don’t care’ which is what I saw was quite the nihilist type of defense mechanism, yet dealing with quite extensive inferiority/ in fear of others which lead to a constant requirement to ‘uplift myself’ to ‘keep up with the pressure.’ We were just discussing how it is really energy-draining to keep-up these ideals of ourselves as personalities, while living here in self honesty, as life, is actually very very simple and effortless as it only requires us breathing here.

We have accepted and allowed ourselves to cage each other in this world ‘keeping up’ nice pictures of ourselves as being affable and smiley as well as creating a tough-rough presentation out of fear. This became quite evident when interacting with people that would seem like absolutely ‘tough’ and ‘rough’ and with a haughty way of carrying themselves and getting to see how they were in fact these ‘sensitive, vulnerable beings’ that had developed such image/ presentation as a defense mechanism toward ‘others/ the world, which is then standing as an ‘inferiority’ point in fact, though we require Equal stance in all ways.

If we look at this point it is essentially how gangs are formed and why they exist the way they do. Look at the Maras, they create such self image to portray this literal ‘fearless image’  as beings that are able to provoke fear in others to protect themselves – why? because they are mostly beings that have been born into circumstances of extreme poverty and abuse that they eventually seek a way out of. That’s how they run away from home and become part of gangs that become ‘their family’ = their security, their way of developing an entire self-image that ‘cannot be fucked with’ using the ‘power of unity’ at its max– all because of fear and probably resenting the fact that they are not being considered as equals in this world. Surviving through using these defense mechanisms becomes part of their being, as their full-blown personality and lifestyle that justifies their actions like committing crimes out of that inner experience of having been disregarded within this system from birth. A usual mindset would be ‘Why would they ‘care’ to not ‘harm others’ without considering how they have been neglected/disenfranchised from birth?’

See how in such gangs, striking up confrontations is  actually part of the rites of initiation for 11, 12 year olds that want to become a part of such gangs. They have to endure all of  the pain and fear to ‘become a man,’ to be ‘over it’ – eventually becoming beings that are in fact only walking with a hard veneer out of fear, fear of others, fear of death, fear of anyone that could have more ‘power’ than them in this world, which translates to once again economical disparity wherein the Maras are usually coming from poverty backgrounds.

 

I realize how I have feared conflict, I see how I have created personalities based solely on ‘fearing others,’ developing a stance of being ‘over this world’ or ‘knowing better’ –  yet the point that differs from what we heard on the interview is how I didn’t remain silent. 

Now that I remember, I deliberately decided to start speaking up because I would see my mind filling the gaps in terms of, for example, seeing two people getting into a form of conflict and I would see the common sense of the point – yet because of seeing myself as not wanting to stir up anything and not wanting to ‘lose my friends’ or not wanting to ‘come across as fill in the gap,’ I would remain like the silent person that pretended to be ‘over such conflicts,’ being neutral, feeling/ portraying myself as some wise person that would only speak if enough ‘wisdom’ was at hand to share – quite a deluded position; and as I bring the point here, as I write and rewind on the points in my life wherein I would ‘feel’ this very same way, it is almost like having to keep up with the character, having to ‘sustain’ such silent frame of mind, such ‘wise person’ and ‘peaceful’ type of being – yet the internal conflict was still there, it only grew and grew – the more fear grew, the more I started compounding this experience wherein the only valve of escape was smoking weed and drawing and ‘listening to music,’ while experiencing myself in perpetual annoyance and irritation toward myself, this world and  everything, because of not seeing a ‘way out’ and it was all because of not having dared to face myself, to walk through that which I was gladly just covering up in an ‘everything is fine’ personality wherein the abuse and the gory aspects of this world had been ‘left behind’ to seek for ‘new healthier horizons.’

From this I can see how having being into spirituality, seeking a god and seeking some form of ‘remedy’ to myself and my “reality” were only ways to mitigate the fear and inner conflict that I experienced within me. It is fascinating that no one never really got to ‘know’ what the hell was actually going on inside me as I moved myself throughout my life, only ‘I’ knew, only I could see how while being with others I could create this ‘everything is fine’ personality, literally like a guru that believes that all conflict is just a mind problem and it can just be ‘sorted out’ by remaining in a perpetual resistance to think, speaking the least possible and ‘simply ‘stopping thinking’ which is and would be equal to trying to ‘stop breathing,’ because we see and understand now in our process how it is not about ‘shutting off our mind’ and our thoughts, but to walk a process of self-correction stand one and equal as our mind = being self-directive through actually participating and interacting with others in our world, instead of being taken by a ride by our own thoughts. This is taking self responsibility for ourselves.

 

How have I supported myself to stop fearing conflict? Through writing, applying and living Self Forgiveness, walking a deliberate process of placing myself in the ‘eye of the storm’ not for the sake of ‘proving myself better,’ but to see who am I within the face of such perceived conflicts/ confrontation and seeing who I am within it: am I able to ‘cope’ with it, am I able to stand fully and not fear speaking up, am I still fearing compromising any ‘idea’ of integrity I may have of myself, which can only exist at the ego level that we are here to stop and correct to stand in common sense as equals. This requires me to deliberately ‘push’ myself to participate, how else would I have known that I feared conflict? I mean, even the reason why I had initially created a blog in a service that wasn’t ‘well known’ was part of keeping myself in a safe zone out of ‘creating conflict’ with people in my reality reading my blogs and eventually having any form of reaction toward myself/ my words. I’m glad to say that I found a way today to bring all my blogs into this domain which is awesome. Yet I could still see the thoughts related to fear coming up in terms of ‘this being a well known domain now and people having more of a direct access to my stuff’ – which is yet again ‘fearing conflict’, ‘fearing exposure.’

It is a matter of walking the correction now because I’ve seen and realized for myself what such apparent ‘superiority’ as  in not speaking/ not participating because of seeing everything and everyone just so ‘out there’ and not having anything to do with me, and keeping myself in a fantasy land feeling like the incomprehensible human being that has this ‘sensitive side,’ yet portraying and carrying myself as the exact opposite to not have to explain myself all the time. It was almost a way of having others ‘fearing me’ to protect myself. This has remained as a point that even people walking this process have expressed having as an ‘idea’ of how I am based on the pictures they see, based on one single point of expression that vlogs are, until getting the actual experience of talking face to face and living together, which enables us to really tear down any beliefs created about each other. I saw then how ‘instilling fear’ is a protection mechanism as well as a form of creating an idea of power based on ‘being above others,’ a way to generate an idea of myself that people can ‘respect’ instead of being someone that is easily ‘picked on.’

Having said this, we can see once again how any form of fear is an actual limitation lived out as ‘who we are’ while remaining as the faithful followers of our personal religions wherein common sense is neglected while sticking to our “safe ways” of existing to not have to face ourselves. It takes a while to fully stop this,  it is only after four years that I am beginning to see how I have created myself in terms of creating positive and negative personalities from the starting point of fear.  From this we can see how this entire world is built upon fear! This must stop here, that’s how all polarity must be eradicated as any reason to be opposing anything or anyone is only separation, a point that we’ve neglected exist within ourselves as well.

We are here to create a world that’s’ best for all and that cannot be ‘questioned’ but simply realized and walked as that principle.

This blog is über lengthy now, but let’s say that the main point here is how stopping fear is the first point to be able to take on our own lives and the world through this process of walking the consequences. The moment we allow ourselves to be overwhelmed by the reality we are creating within and without, we become ‘less’ than that which we are creating, which is like a reversed-god complex if we can call it that, making ourselves less than our creation yet portraying a ‘superiority’ image at the same time. Quite unnecessary if we can stop it all by simply walking here as breath.

For this, writing is the tool, self forgiveness implies the self corrective process to walk the correction as we go living every single day. Simplicity is the key, we can just see through these experiences how I complicated my reality by trying to ‘cover up’ fear, instead of seeing fear for what it is: a self created limitation that comes in the form of thoughts that I can work with through writing, applying self forgiveness and directing myself in common sense.

That’s it.

Thanks for reading and suggest you listen to that interview because it was the point that triggered all of this here.

 

polarity as me

 

 

 

 


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