Tag Archives: control-freakism

November 21, 2018

623. Learning to Listen: Becoming Aware vs. Acting to Change

By Marlen

 

Sometimes I hold myself back from writing because of perceiving that my topics are usually the same, about the same points that I seem to be constantly facing or working on. However, I also realized that this is something I write for sharing yes, but ultimately also as a point of accountability when it comes to the points that I’ve been facing.

So, there’s a main point related to listening. This is mainly in relation to how I’ve created filters in relation to how I decide to listen to someone, mostly imposing my own views, judgments – positive and negative – upon listening to someone, even more so if that someone is someone that is close to me, such as my partner.. and I am quite grateful that I’ve been able to discuss and open up all of these things to realize how much of a stubborn I’ve been in fact, and how much of the disdain, criticism and judgment I held toward my grandmother and mother about being control freaks and stubborn people relates back to me to the exact degree.  Yep! It’s a frightening realization because at least my mother and I have realized the very consequential outflows of it, but now that I see the extent in which I am following ‘the same steps’ my female predecessors have played out with themselves, their bodies and towards their partners, I have a unique opportunity to change and ‘stop the sins of the fathers’ in this case, the mothers to be exact.

I am also aware that not everyone is able to have a direct cross-reference of this with their parents. Some don’t have their parents around and live far away, some have died already, some have never gotten to know their parents. This situation has led me to also appreciate the unique set up I was born into and be in a way grateful that I have this kind of cross-reference. However this doesn’t mean that if someone doesn’t have their parents or grandparents around you don’t get to know ‘how’ they are… just a look within self and you’ll get the gist of it. Lol

Anyways, getting to the bottom of this. I was quite shocked about myself – but also not really, because hello? I am in my own body and mind – in relation to how I’ve decided to not take certain feedback seriously about things and situations where I am being too over-bearing, obtuse, imposing, dictatorial and a plain control freak. I had expressed before how I was grateful to have this kind of feedback in the moment from my partner, but the reality is that I wasn’t honoring it as a point of self-change. I was only getting to KNOW and become Aware of the thing, but I wasn’t in fact deciding to fully change it.

Why? How come that if I was getting the direct feedback in the moment I wasn’t doing something about it? Well, I recently discovered quite an awful conditioning within me as well. When my partner was giving the feedback, there was no ‘raising of voices’ or showing any emotional  outburst about it, in essence, there wasn’t a ‘big deal’ made out of it in my head. This is something I can relate to when one is a child, and one gets these warnings of things that may go wrong, or when one is doing something that  one ‘shouldn’t do’ but only getting to stop doing it IF seeing the parent go completely upset and raise their voice and be noticeably annoyed, bothered, angry and really creating this emotional show where I would then realize ‘oh shit, that’s a real problem, I need to stop.’

This is where learning to listen comes in and where I also require to integrate the fact that this feedback I was receiving in the moment wont’ come with emotional outbursts for me to ‘take it seriously.’ In fact I was doing exactly what I would be bothered by for most of my life in relation to my mother, where I would say things to her or would like to ‘have a serious talk’ but she has a tendency to be quite ‘light’ about some things, not take things that seriously, not give them the ‘weight’ I was expecting and in doing so, I believed I wasn’t being taken seriously, it would piss me off, lol. So! It shouldn’t be as surprising that I was doing the exact same thing, almost going into that ignoring or ‘not taking seriously’ what my partner was sharing in those moments, and I just simply would not make any effort to change things, well a bit I guess, but that was entirely half-assed and not really living a decision to change in the moment.

How did I become aware of it? Of course when things get to a certain ‘boiling point’ where I repeat the same pattern, once again, and then I get reminded how I’ve gotten to hear the feedback about that situation several, several times before and I just haven’t listened. Yep, that was a bit of a shameful situation for me because in that moment I realized how much I was truly not deciding to listen as in taking the feedback in, and acknowledging that ‘ok yes I need to do something about this and create a plan to Change.’ I just ‘heard’ it and let it go by, really. And this is how I came to see how little importance or ‘weight’ so to speak I gave to this kind of feedback which in fact is precisely what I require to become aware and so change a very ingrained pattern I’ve lived when it comes to in essence being ‘control’ in a dictatorial and imposing way.

After that day, what I’ve been doing is then challenging the comfort I’ve created to ‘totally be me’ as the control freak with my partner, which is in a way cool because he now knows me and understands how far it can get, which is obviously not cool. And now I had to explain how this is one of the points that surely, is a difficult one for me, that I appreciate the feedback, that I am sorry that I haven’t changed yet in spite of the feedback and that I am now committing to change it.

What has happened a few days after that serious talk is that I’ve been now catching myself more often when I would say things out of habit that are in the same ‘tune’ of being a control freak. Sometimes I’ve been saying it and I’ve stopped myself from saying ‘but why not!?’ lol when wanting something to be done in a particular way that I had already been explained why it could not go that way. This is the stubbornness that I’ve also realized comes from an aloof sense of listening, where I get the explanation about certain things and then I decide to ‘not listen’ or comfortably ‘forget’ which I mean, it’s really a pain in the ass having to be told the same things over and over again, which I am not getting to properly integrate because I am not properly listening, but only being calculating in my mind what I want to hear, what I want to filter out in order to have some sort of very twisted comfort zone to not have to change ‘my ways.’

Needless to say that I realize how difficult it can be for any person to deal with someone like me, really, and not to make me a very tough person to deal with. But when it comes to living together and having the total openness to be ME then, all the real and nitty gritty aspects of my personality are exposed and I’m grateful that I’ve had someone in my life that is willing to be patient about it, but hey, one thing is to be patient and understanding, and another one is to be having to ‘bear’ with it and create a conditioning, an acceptance of it even If we both know it’s not the best way to live.

IT’s also needless to say how this exposes me as at times focusing too much on preaching certain principles, but letting these big points just ‘slip by’ as if they didn’t matter. It is also regrettable that I require to get to a point of having to notice an emotional reaction in order to make something seriously needing my attention and committing to change these patterns within me, because I also know and am aware when I’ve gone into this very obtuse, stubborn and controlling way of behaving that in my mind seems like ‘best for all’ but in that really forgetting about the individuality of others and realizing that even if I see it is ‘best’ for me, it can’t be applied ‘like that’ to others.  And other times – most of them – realizing that each moment that I exert out my control-freakism it’s actually coming from a long-lived habit of being the one that ‘calls the shots’ as they say in a relationship, instead of creating an equal space for each other to be ourselves, to understand where we are at in relation to the points we are walking or changing and for me, yes to be also patient to not jump into conclusions, but to give space for another.

What comes up is how I’ve written a blog like this from a past relationship, what opens up is feeling like ‘I’ve learned nothing because I’ve been there before,’ but I also have to learn to forgive myself for that, for repeating myself and the same patterns as before and understanding that the same patterns may come up again and that it only means: I have to focus on changing them, instead of going into shame, regret or plain judgment about being repeating myself, because that leaves me nowhere but back into a comfort zone of thinking ‘well, that’s how I’m always going to be.’

I’m here walking this process to demonstrate to myself that I can in fact change even the most difficult or ingrained aspects within me that certainly can lead to ruin any relationship, because no one wants to be in a relationship with someone that acts like a dictator. To me, as I’ve shared many times before, it has to do with a sense of righteousness, believing I’m right and know what is the way to go. I have to humbly realize this is not so and in doing so, realize I have to get to place myself in the shoes of others in a much more ‘empty’ way, without placing myself in their shoes but still having ‘my own principles, my own mindset’ while doing so, which ends up in me thinking or perceiving that I know what they should do, what is best for them.

Yes, this is mainly the point and the reasoning behind it, which is why it has become so tricky and at times difficult to let go, because of holding on to the idea that I am right, I know the way’ but it’s best to realize I may have an idea of what could work, but it is up for each person to decide for themselves. I can only then focus on being there walking with others without wanting to impose ‘my ways’ onto them, and rather work on creating these moments within me where I can become aware of this pattern coming up in me, and so make a pause to realize ‘red flag, control freakism point here’ and take a breath to then speak back in an awareness of me having to Let Go of wanting to ‘show the way’ or ‘give instructions of what must be done’ or ‘give a judgment of what is right or wrong.’ I can always give perspectives but I must accept the fact that I can’t change others, I can’t impose myself onto others, I can’t ‘walk their solution’ for them either, nor do I have to conveniently ‘say what to do’ in a way where I’m only considering what benefits me or what I believe is best for me.

So this is where I’m at and working with currently – yep in my head it’s like ‘ah more of the same’ really, but that’s who I am and what I’ve become with this pattern, it’s like a lifetime habit that I have to now take responsibility for.

Thanks for reading.                            

 

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Receptivity

 

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February 20, 2017

513. How to Live the Word Control?

By Marlen

Or exploring the negative aspects of control in order to see the supportive potential that this word contains as well for my life

The first association that comes to this word is definitely ‘control-freak’ which is one of the things I’ve shared about throughout these blogs as an aspect to change about myself and that has been most challenging to me, and what I’ve discovered is that there are fears behind the desire to control something or someone.

What is the nature I accept and allow myself to exist as ‘control’? Looking underneath it, it’s fear and fear usually related to judgments, perceptions, ideas I have about myself of something that I want to keep ‘as is’ and so attempt to control that something or someone to remain in a particular perspective or way that ‘I want it to be’ so that it can benefit me, be my point of comfort, preference or self-interest – which means that my imposition of control over something or someone is coming from the various points of preferences, personalities, characters that I’ve become and that I’ve used as an excuse, reason or justification to want things to be a certain way, to fit ‘my idea’ of how things should be and some other times, to not have to change something in my life and remain in a comfortable status-quo.

This time I approach this word to clear it up in my immediate or conscious associations which are mostly related to negative things as I can see, stuff relating to what I have comically defined as ‘the fascist’ in me, the absolutist, dictatorial, control-freak, and bluntly wanting others to do what I consider is better or ‘more right’ according to ‘my standards.’ This is why I have been – to a certain extent – applying and living the word flexibility, to curb these impulses or automated patterns in me, but I recognize it might still be at very superficial levels where I am mostly stopping my impulse to control, but at the same time haven’t actually embraced or integrated the expression of flexibility as who I am, because many times I still catch myself having this tension as a form of ‘control’ of myself in my mind coming through in over-analyzing, being judgmental, too strict, too exigent, wanting things to be done in a particular way, etc. And this means then that there’s more to understand and integrate of the word flexibility within myself, along with tuning into the physical nature of who I am as life that needs no fears to exist, but is, expresses, lives, grows, expands, adapts, lets others be.

Here I’m getting to see that it’s not like the word control should be all things that are ‘bad’ and negative, there is another way to live this word and it is related to an ability to direct ourselves which I had considered only partially as in the expression ‘controlling one’s emotions,’ but I have mostly associated that at the same time as a way to refrain them, contain and ultimately suppress which is not at all a directive decision, but more like a ‘stopping’ without much awareness into it or understanding on why one should do that.

Self-control I see as an ability to direct oneself, I associate it with a moderation, a volition, a will that we can apply and live out as oneself. It is like living out the notion of ‘putting a guard in front of your mind or mouth’ where one can prevent consequences, prevent emotional or feeling outbursts by maintaining a continuous awareness of oneself in one’s mind and physical body and making decisions or choices that are supportive for oneself. And in times like today where a lot of the mental problems come from a point of one not being able to control one’s thoughts, experiences any longer, I see it as a primary point of self-support to develop, even more so when we already know we have certain habits, addictions, patterns that are not supportive for oneself – that’s where self-control can be applied but not only to prevent problems, but as a way to generate or develop the better aspects or potential of ourselves too.

At a world system level I have seen the word control as something that is imposed by those in elitist positions out of fear of not having people doing ‘what they will’, but at the same time within understanding our current human nature, I also see control as a needed measure considering how we have become unreliable in our own minds to in fact be, live and do ‘what is best for all’ – I mean, I would say that control is something tyrannical if we were all living completely by principles that benefit all life, but we’re not . So in essence we have created our own ‘elites’ that represent that ‘police man in the head’ in a system like this in order to keep some order; this form of control represents more of a consequence of us not learning to live and consider each other as equals, to respect, honor and regard each other in the best way possible. If that had been our ‘way of living’ then we would not be needing any form of control or external restraint, if there was self-restraint as a basic common sensical consideration that we can have in every moment to think, act and do what is best for all, then we would be living in actual ‘free societies’, but we’re not living this at the moment – hence all the systems of control that are evolved more and more over time and will continue to do so until we realize how we are causing such upgrades in control systems.

Here then bringing both dimensions from the personal to the external of the word ‘control’ and how once that I remove the fear, judgments, beliefs, preferences and personalities behind control, it can exist as a form of self-direction, of consideration, of directing ourselves to live what is best for oneself in common sense = considering everyone and everything as equal to oneself, where we no longer have to ‘maintain’ an ego, ‘maintain’ an idea or perception of oneself towards others, where we no longer have to ‘manage consequences’ but instead deciding to control oneself as the impetus of ‘speaking our mind’ as it’s usually said, where the best of us can become the directive principle in our minds, beings and bodies in every moment – and so control, direct, move, ourselves in a way that is most supportive for ourselves and so everyone else.

Where did I get the idea to investigate this word ‘control’? From the following audio Rebirth with Bruce Lee – The Crucifixion of Jesus – Part 101 that I found very supportive to expand my vision about expressing words and learning to see the word ‘control’ beyond the usual negative connotations I had imposed onto it and so, explore the ways in which I can live it and make it a supportive one, turn it into a word I can live instead of immediately linking it to a form of ‘policeman in the head’ or ‘totalitarian’ and ‘restrictive’ in a negative sense out of fear, but instead see that it is an aspect and potential of ourselves that can be lived as a form of self-discipline and ultimately as a point of self-honor and respect, to live the best of ourselves and stopping giving our breaths of life to the worst of part of us, while still then directing ourselves to work with it to understand it, self-forgive it and then decide to live and be the best version of ourselves. 

Thanks for reading

 

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