Tag Archives: correcting others

January 10, 2017

474. The Intensity of Wanting To Change Others

By Marlen

 

Or how to slow myself down when attempting to make others see what I see for their own process of self-change

Continuing from 472. Humbleness in Process

 

I’ve noticed another situation wherein I have to consider and apply humbleness in process. This is about an experience that comes with a surge of energy, an impetus stemming from a desire to open someone’s eyes about a situation that I can see is compromising, is diminishing, is limiting to oneself-  in a nutshell, is of self-dishonesty and I may see the reasons, the beliefs involved, the energetic addictions that go along with it that another may be participating in and justifying it in various ways that even if they might sound ‘reasonable’, they always still contain a sort of self-sabotage that pops out very clearly when it comes to getting to the bottom of a situation in self-honesty.

I have seen how I tend to create a certain impetus in myself, a sort of ‘push’ that almost wants to throw a bucket of cold water upon another and say ‘Wake up! Can’t you see what you are doing to yourself!’ and this has happened multiple times in multiple ways to multiple kinds of people in my life, from the ones that I get to glimpse while walking on the street or in a public place, to the people that I live and interact with on a daily basis. So, here I have to focus entirely on myself, my own ‘impetus’ and desire for another to ‘see themselves’ the way I see things, because this is coming in fact from an imposition of a limitation wherein it’s like someone giving you the answers to what is ‘going on with you’ which prevents you from understanding yourself and doing the self-work required to get to those realizations for yourself. In essence I would be dishonoring someone’s integrity and individuality If I stand as that ‘someone’ that can ‘show the way’ and even that is also a bit too conceited of me because I’ve realized I absolutely don’t have an ‘answer’ to everything either, nor have I had the life experiences that others have had, therefore, we can only ever reference each other but each one of us ultimately has to find their own way so to speak.

So, what is this ‘impetus’ showing me about myself? First of all, that no matter how much of my time I also dedicate to assisting and supporting others, I have to make sure I don’t patronize or push others to ‘see’ things the same way I am seeing them, because then that would in fact imply that I am wanting to ‘change them’ and push them into a point of realization that I also cannot enforce upon anyone in reality, but stick to moderating myself whenever this impetus and impulse comes from within and towards others in relation to ‘waking someone up!’ or wanting them to ‘snap out of something’ that in fact dwindles their ability to develop a seeing, develop a self-understanding through self-investigation.

Here then, first of all, I have to remind myself that no matter how much I can see through the situation another is in, the choice is theirs and only theirs to walk through with the tools and support they can give to themselves and decide to see beyond the veil by their own will and decision to do so. I have to remind myself I would become ‘their cane’ to walk through a realization and could become something/someone they depend on to keep walking through a point that is and will always be entirely up to themselves to take responsibility for.

I can only ever be a point of reference for the steps of self-support that another is deciding to implement in their own lives, I can only ever share my own personal path and experience but I cannot have this intensity in my words attempting to tell them ‘wake up!’ with an energy that indicates a desperation in me – or seeing a potential as well – but in either way this reaction/energetic experience shows me I am not being patient enough in realizing each one’s path and process of self-awareness, which is a unique process where it will depend on each person to decide how they walk their lives/process and that I have to be ok with being patient in walking with another in their own time/space and pace based on their own self-given steps towards their self-creation and self-awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an energy surge within myself that comes up whenever I am talking to someone, seeing someone that is doing something that could be bettered, corrected, realized because even if I may see a way through in that problem, hurdle or obstacle, in an attempt to ‘wake them up’ I can feel that I become simply much more intense in my voice tonality as in speaking louder, faster and widening my eyes, tightening my body – or if being typing I start typing super-fast and I even become warmer and more intense in the way that I want to communicate towards another, without realizing that such intensity comes from a need in me to ‘wake another up’, to essentially ‘change who they are’ in that moment so that they can then ‘see the same I see’ or ‘understand the way through,’ which is in fact coming from a desperation within me that is not considering the other person in who they are as individuals, with their own process, their own mind, their particular unique set of patterns, life experiences, memories… the list is endless when it comes to seeing a single individual human being in their mind and the place they are at in their life.

Therefore whenever I come at someone with this intensity and this push through my voice, through my words, through the intensity of the words that I use, I have to realize for myself that all of it is coming from a reaction within me that is at the same time not only feeling like ‘their lives are upon me’ – but also it is a part of me that is not seeing another for who they are or where they are in their lives and personal process, which means, I am in fact not being humble and considerate towards another, but I then believe that others can ‘get it’ the same way I do and in doing so, believing that the other person can see what I see, has lived what I’ve lived, has realized what I’ve realized in an exact way as myself, which is impossible to do, because we are two different beings and I cannot compare myself to another.

Whenever I see myself getting into this ‘intensity’ in communication, in sharing something, I have to make sure that I can fine tune the ways in which I can share myself, be there for another as a point of support without that energy-rush in me and an energy push towards them in an attempt to ‘shake up’ another person, because there I am invading their self-responsibility, their self-direction and their self-awareness development process at the same time, so

I commit myself to learn and practice being more patient in moments when I see a person is in a crux of a process of self-change, and where I can see potentials and ways in which they could walk a particular process towards a correction, an integration of certain words and principles –I have to let go of wanting to ‘push’ a particular way of seeing things, a particular understanding and have to make sure that I am not imposing myself, not imposing what I see unto another but ensure I am only there as an equal that can share a living example and personal experiences with them – as a point of support, a crutch for another’s personal walk for a moment, however ultimately realizing that I cannot become their own feet, their own mind and their own will to move or do something in particular. This would be me imposing myself onto another and therefore, I have to allow myself to breathe and give space and time for another to decide how far, how fast or how slow, how deep or how shallow they decide to explore or face a particular point in their lives, because such ways to live and face our lives depend entirely on ourselves and no one else can really do it for us, such as I have seen and tested for myself.

Therefore, I commit myself to focus on precisely changing this aspect of myself that wants to ‘change another’ or ‘show the way’ to someone else through a surge of words that are coming from a state of reacting in impatience or a ‘desire to wake another up’ which at the same time exists as a fear of ‘the other one not seeing through in this point they’re facing’ and somehow blaming it on me at the same time because of perceiving that if they don’t see it through, then it would mean I am ‘not being there for them to walk it through’ – but here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive – no matter how slightly – that another’s life and process depends very much on me and my input and support, which in fact is not so, I can only ever share my own experiences, my own ways of self-support, assist in considering self-honesty in certain situations in my life that I can then share as first hand experience, but I cannot ever make decisions for another, I cannot ever push another to do or think or act in a particular manner and I have to allow independence in another to also figure it out for themselves.

It’s interesting because this is something that I have very much a tendency to do, sometimes act like a mother – in the current most-prevalent design of a mother nowadays – towards people that can scold and get flustered about seeing situations and potential consequences and kind of ‘knowing how the story will end’ and attempt to control and warn and inject a form of fear in an attempt to wake someone up, but, this has been proven to be not a supportive manner most of the times. Sometimes I have to assess the situation and the extent in which something/someone is requiring a particular point of support, but in this I have to now at the same time focus on myself in moderating the way that I bring these points across.

How to do that? I realize it is a matter of letting to this ‘desire to wake someone up’ or to ‘have them see something’ that I am seeing with clarity and acknowledging their process, their self-awareness, their point in their lives and the situation they are in as something that they have created for themselves – which means we always are responsible to ourselves – and so either make it or break it as they say and understanding that my role in this is only assisting in suggesting ways to look at a situation, asking questions that can assist another to consider self-honesty, but I can never change someone with this intensity and impetus coming in subtle forms of anger or plain despair as well. That won’t work at all.

I have to honor myself and my self-honesty first of all, which means I can then honor and respect another’s process of self-honesty as well. As my partner just reminded me, one has to be self-honest in order to assist another to develop such self-honesty as well and my self-honesty here is stopping this surge, impetus and intensity within me that is trying to force change upon another, which is something that cannot ever be done, as each person can only ever change themselves by their own volition and decision to do so.

I can stand as an example of what it is to regard another’s life and process in their unique location, positioning, rather focusing in seeing ‘where they are at’ in their awareness, how they are approaching a situation, asking questions that can bring up practical solutions and considerations – but in moments where I see that they are not seeing through a particular veil of emotion, reactions, memories, experiences, I have to take a moment to Breathe and sloooow myself down completely and walk with them in the point they are at.

Here within myself I have to make sure that I am comfortable in my own body which means I have to step down from ‘prescribing my own discourse’ towards another which is coming from focusing only in my head and so, give myself time to feel my body which in this stage of facing a resistance in another to change, to see something, I am usually already building up a tension, a strain even at times within my physical body where I can notice my eyes are getting wider, my voice tonality gets louder, I can get out of breath, I can start speaking faster and faster with no space to leave the other to interact back or even ‘follow through with my train of thought’ because it is all completely driven through and as energy – same with typing, typing superfast and not allowing much space for another to go interacting with what I go saying either. I have to slow down and be patient, not be anxious about it.

I have to breathe and allow myself to listen, to hear, to read another’s expression and words, to consider them, to see what they are experiencing, how they are looking at a situation, where are they in their particular life-situation and so, I have to develop that humbleness and consideration in those moments wherein I can be in a position to assist another in a particular time or situation in their lives where I have to place myself in their shoes, to identify within myself where and how I have been in a similar situation or source from other situations that I have been that can be similar in nature, and so bring forth/share my own experience to share how I got to a point of self-honesty in walking through those times or situations, or how I am still assisting myself through a similar situation – so as to precisely stand as an example, sharing a potential way that another can consider for themselves. This I have to make sure I am sharing without the hidden agenda and intent of wanting to save, ‘wake another up’ or ‘having them see what I SEE they are still accepting and allowing in themselves’ because this is still coming up from a personal desire, and not from my own self-honesty.

Here self-honesty for me is reminding myself and understanding that I cannot ever save another, I cannot ever change another, I cannot ever impose ‘what to do or not to do’ unto another – I have to honor, respect and allow independence in another’s process of self-realization on whichever situation or part of themselves they are facing in their own lives, and here then My point of focus then becomes my own moderation, alignment and correction of my expression towards another.

This means, focusing more on making questions that can assist another to see, to practice living calm and stability as I am placing out these questions and considerations – to not create an expectation or a ‘threatening potential outcome’ as a way to push them to decide to act or not act upon something in order to create a particular outcome that I am considering is ‘better,’ which in fact comes from a deep-desire of doing ‘the right thing’ which is based on morality and a limited way of perceiving someone’s life process, when in fact I’ve seen for myself how if I had stood for and towards myself as I stand towards others in an attempt to ‘save them from doing the wrong things,’ I would have walked away from this bossy-me and still would have proceeded to do the things that yes, caused consequences in my life but at the same time are now learning experiences that I got to live through and work through for myself.

Therefore, I have to stand in equality with another, not as a ‘corrector’ but as an equal that stands in consideration of assisting another, walking by their side in their pace, in their considerations, in their ways of approaching things and expanding myself to consider their ways of walking their lives, the way in which they decide to face their life situations – with its faults and flaws- to embrace them the same way that I’ve learned to do so in my own life, to not judge it, to not see it as wrong, to not want them to ‘become’ or ‘reach’ a particular outcome in their lives because that is always up to each person in their lives to do so.

Here then I focus on myself, continuing to learn and apply flexibility in these moments when this ‘upsurge’ of intensity in my expression comes up, so that I can then flag-point this moment and understand I am stepping into the ‘intense-me’ and ‘lower the volume’ so to speak in how I express myself, assert my starting point in talking/assisting another, to level it down to a point of acknowledging and honoring each one’s life and process of self-responsibility, learning from their walks in life and being gentle in how I approach others because I know for a fact based on how I was raised that being reached out to through energy in the forms of control, imposition, scolding and threats don’t work at all.

Best ways I’ve been implementing in my partnership relationship is in fact based on slowing down and considering another, not pushing too much, yet making questions that can assist in seeing things differently and not expecting another to ‘change’ based on how I have done so in my life and follow that way ‘to the T’ –  but instead through sharing my own personal experiences in walking similar patterns and ‘where I am at’ in relation to it, how I go working on them. So I find it interesting that I have managed to get better at this ‘patronizing’ pattern in me in my relationship, because I have created a direct process of feedback with my partner in relation to this, speaking about it and identifying in real time how this ‘intensity’ unfolds within me – but, it seems that I haven’t extended this to other people that don’t always point it back at myself – like family members (except for my mother) and people I directly assist in their personal process of self-support or in regular interactions ‘on the streets’, but even on that one I’ve made it a very present point for me to stop judging people so much out there and instead focus on my own stopping of judging and reacting. That’s my point! 

Therefore, here I make myself aware of changing the way that I approach another within this context of intensity/energy charge in which I attempt to have another see the way I see things, or realize something or open up or ‘see the dishonesty’ for what it is, because, I will eventually become only a control-freak and a prey to my own imposition if I continue doing this with others in my life.  I have to make space as in breathing, letting go of my desired outcome/point of control and so focus on settling myself physically to slow down, to not feed expectations or ideas of ‘what another should be able to see or consider’ and rather keep walking at their side, at their pace, not on top, not in front but walking-with another in what is and will always be a process of self-support, because it can only ever be truly applied by each one/ourselves.

I can stand as an equal in supporting another to see themselves, but I have to let go whenever I can see and understand that there are more points to unfold in order to see/understand a point of self-creation, sometimes consequences have to unfold to realize what we are actually doing or participating in ourselves. And I have to accept that is each one’s decision as well, instead of attempting to ‘save’ others from going down misery lane or ‘making mistakes’ because in the end, it’s not about doing good and not bad in this process, it’s about transcending that morality and rather see for ourselves who we are in each situation, what can we learn from each situation about ourselves. I can only assist with observing such situations from an equal stand-point in where each person sees it for themselves, and how they are approaching it and then suggest ways to look at it, to consider certain aspects, to ask in a way for them to reflect about themselves and their choices and decisions, that’s about it.

I realize I don’t require at all an energy surge within me to stand as this point of support for another, I don’t require to bee ‘too intense’ in sharing something because the intensity, the control and imposition with which it comes through won’t ever have a supportive effect on another – the actual supportive words are those that contain zero-reactions, zero self-interest, zero-fears, zero-expectations, zero-control-freakism, zero-judgment and zero-neglect at the same time because it is a fine balance between caring for another while also allowing them to walk on their own entirely, because I would definitely want everyone else to also stand on their own two feet and not depend on me or anyone else to be able to live – it is about a process of cross-referencing one’s own life and understanding of oneself – that is always healthy when it comes to learning to see ourselves, to understanding our own minds, to have another ‘pair of eyes’ to see through us in humbleness and consideration.

So to me this is yet a very specific gift in my process and positioning within this Desteni Process where I am getting to walk as well some of my most ingrained patterns that actually come up in situations where I am in a position and role of assistance and support towards others, which is therefore a very relevant point for me to be in in order to learn and fine tune my understanding, comprehension, consideration towards others, to allow them to see for themselves and cross-reference whatever comes up. This is then being an assistance in a process that is always of self-support since no one else can do it for us, we always have ourselves and only ourselves as our responsibility, which includes my ways of interacting and expressing towards others that are also my responsibility.

I’ll keep an eye testing these points in real time whenever this surge comes up in me. This is something that expands and extends to how I relate to anything and anyone in my life and reality, I’d very much like our relationships to be of interdependence and independence where we can count on each other yet at the same time realizing the fundamentals of self-responsibility at all times, that’s the marvel of walking as equals yet as individuals.

Thanks for reading

 

Mirror- my error

 

Check out these great sites for self support and self development :

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