Tag Archives: crying

488. Social Expectations and Self-Honesty

Or how to face a situation like a funeral in a balance of what is politically correct and what is our genuine expression in the moment.

For the last two days I was in a situation of facing the death of a close person and the attendance of a funeral for the second time ever in my life and to say the least, I had not yet created a way in which I can trust myself in those situations considering there are several aspects that I got to take into account, leading to a situation where I doubted myself at times that can be uncomfortable yet entirely self-created of course. So I’ll share here the raw process of me going through the whole lay out of the points and the self-forgiveness process wherein I establish common sense and points for me to correct/align in future similar situations.

Even if I had dealt with the sadness point about this person eventually dying it an accepting it, realizing that as we know, no one ever really dies and he’s probably facing his process in the afterlife right now, at the same time having to also be participating in all the processes that come after the person dies with the family became a new set of situations that I had not faced in my life therefore they became quite a part of myself to get to know and investigate further.

First of all, saw a dead person for the first time in my life. I saw myself not wanting to do it based on some kind of fear of ‘seeing a dead person’ but I did it in order to do it for once and for all and I found it a bit disturbing to say the least, I judged doing so as a form of morbid move as if there was something ‘to see’ in a dead body at the same time, which ended up being a printed image in my mind that I got stuck on for some time, seeing myself imagining how I would look dead, how my partner would look dead, how my parents will look dead and in that moment I said to myself like ‘whoa wait a minute what am I participating on?’ which was of course just a mental stimulation with no practical use, not even if for the purpose of getting comfortable with the idea of all of us dying at some point anyways, because it’s not here so, just indulging in imagination about it won’t certainly be supportive at this very moment.

Many times before I’ve skipped funerals altogether, I did not see the point and also feared seeing others sad and so fearing myself becoming sad and in a powerless situation. But after a while of reading others’ experiences and considerations around funerals, I decided to attend and be part of most of the processes involved in it this time and ensuring that I was making a decision to do so as my own volition, not self-compromise, but this wasn’t entirely so in various moments where I consider I succumbed my idea/belief or perception of what others’ expectations were based on the situation, where I saw myself being torn into what I consider my self-honesty in those moments and doing what I thought was going to ‘please others’ based on expectations of what to be and do in such situations where people are visibly mourning.

One thing I recalled from my first funeral I attended back in 2001 is how I could not feel a thing, therefore I started thinking myself into sadness in order to cry and then feel like I had been up to the expectations of what goes on in a funeral. This time I decided to be there for my own sake and to be with my family which I can say is my family even if ‘political’ but have spent many times together with them so, yep it was  of course sad for me but we got to know of this situation coming more than a month ago, so there was time to process it yet I found myself still not entirely settled in ‘who I am’ in moments of mourning and what to say or do to support others.

So here I’m starting to investigate my experience and make sense of it: what am I aware of? I made the decision to be accompanying the family in all the processes, from the waiting of the funerary services, which means seeing the body on the bed ‘as is,’ to seeing it leave to the funerary, to accompanying it to the funerary, to waiting for it to be received, etc. I saw it also as a learning experience, a first time in it all while also wanting to be of support in any way I could around there.

This part I found myself a bit too clumsy on, which might be a judgment. To me there was not so much of a point to have so many considerations for a body there, while I know that the being is no longer there and then it’s just a matter of rather being there for the family. It was surprising to find out about all the procedures and legal situations that need to be directed when a person dies – again, it was a learning experience but I also saw myself a bit conflicted in terms of whether I had to present myself in a particular situation or not. I decided to simply be a point of tranquility and stability during that phase to assist in any  way I could – but there wasn’t anything I got to actually ‘do’ in it all but just be there.

This ‘just be there’ clicks in me as if it was something that was ‘not enough’ or ‘minimal’ but it is me, it’s my presence, not defined through a ‘doing’ per se, but we were there the same way that we had been with all the same people in previous family reunions.

When I saw that I got a bit too conflictive was when it comes to assessing what was ‘sufficient’ in terms of time and moments of being there with the family and it was actually many hours throughout the past two days, practically whole afternoon until midnight in all the processes and even if we were suggested that we could leave at any time, I would assess ‘in my mind’ based on ‘what is acceptable and what is not’ by others, how ‘others’ would see it and in this is where self-compromise existed. I didn’t want to leave the spot, I didn’t want to cause an impression of ‘not caring about the person’ because in fact even if my interaction with the person wasn’t ‘that much’ every time it was actually very genuine and that’s what I am most grateful for about that situation that we could go beyond ‘age difference’ or ‘roles’ and speak frankly about things, which is also he liked about myself and my partner, not really ‘playing a show’ or being hypocritical as he would say, but just ‘be ourselves.’

So, in those moments of facing some coldness and hunger at times, some sleepiness too, I saw that I wanted to ‘stick up’ to being strong or resilient and supportive, while at the same time doubting myself altogether whether I should be there or not, whether it was of any support for others or not, whether it was best for us to leave or not, so in essence deciding to stick by based on doing it for others, to accompany them and also in a way of considering the memory of the person that died even though I know that he’s not ‘here’ or near his body but possibly walking his life review right now.

I decided then that we should stick through it all from beginning to end, taking some breaks in between but it was my first ‘full-fledged’ process of funeral in my life and I can use this experience as a way to learn more about myself in a situation like that and also confronting the point of judging myself as ‘not sure of myself’ in many situations or how to ‘act’ towards some people, because sometimes one doesn’t feel sad and I tend to be very transparent about it then judging myself as possibly being perceived that ‘I don’t care enough because I’m not sad or concerned’ which I did challenge as a belief within myself, not playing an emotion as a form of empathy towards others, while at the same time yes considering others’ pain and sorrow, and in some points yes admitting that I cried along with seeing some family members cry at the same time as a realization of their loss and that’s where I pushed myself to give a hand, to caress their back and simply be there for support .

Therefore I see that I have to let go of the judgment towards my actions in wanting to frame them as adequate or not, good enough or not, because as much as there are ways and certain politics or protocols in such situations, I can create an equilibrium between yes, adapting myself to it without compromising myself too much.

Where did I see the compromise? Well, when the coffin was open and the body was inside, people were going to greet it and say their goodbyes. I could not rationalize that it would have any meaning other than looking at an image of the person in the body and upon seeing everyone’s reaction to it, I considered that it was also a bit of a morbid situation, while at the same time rationalizing that ‘ok, it’s just a dead body, if I am resisting looking at it again, it’s based on the first impression I had the day before I saw the body ‘raw’ on the bed where he died’ and this time he already had some touch ups from the funerary, so I decided to look at the body and then the inevitable happened of course, the image triggered the actual realization of ‘the person is dead’ and you won’t ever see him again. So, there I cried a bit again which a part of me wanted to prevent and suppress while another was saying just let go and cry it out, while at the same time judging the emotional aspect of myself since it seemed ‘out of my control’ to handle.

In essence, yes as one can read, I was in a constant assessment and questioning of ‘what would be best for all’ to do in those moments, so I decided to not look at what I would like to do that much, but more look at others, the reason for this funeral to exist is not so much for the dead person – he’s not here anymore –but for the family, and that’s something I kept reminding myself so focused on being there as a point of presence for my family, for the family in general and as partner says, we are part of a social situation so we have to participate the same way others do and yes, learn from this situation for future ones because death is the most certain thing that happens to every person and not even our ‘tomorrow’ is secured, to any of us.

I also practiced simply breathing and being quiet within myself in those moments where there wasn’t really ‘much to do’ or not much happened. I also didn’t go into participating in the thoughts or memories about the person because I knew that would be a direct trigger to start crying or being sad about it, and I didn’t do that. I focused on what was in my surroundings and learned to be there with others in a similar manner, while at the same time ensuring I am not taken over in any emotional way, except for the couple of crying moments that didn’t last long.

I realize I have to also let go of judging myself if getting emotional in a situation like that. As it’s been shared in some material, one can cry and let it all out as a point of release, but at the same time ensuring that one is not ‘thinking oneself into crying’ either.

It also was an interesting situation because funerals and the death of a relative are such ‘common situations’ but funnily enough I had avoided going at those for such a long time, though due to the closeness with this person, I genuinely decided to be part of it, which is cool, I can see that I decided to live the word Empathy here in the sense of not become equally sad as everyone there, but decide to stand as a presence that can be more stable, breathe, and simply be there as a person that is there in the memory of the person that died and to be with the family. Here I have to for a moment be considerate and let go of more of my ‘radical self’ that would say that it is all useless as he’s not ‘there’ anymore and it is only a way to cry-out many regrets, fears or projections of our own death, but nope, I decided to be clear within me and not project, not judge others but there still was more of a questioning on how adequate I was in those situations – and instead learn from it, not judge myself over it, because it is in fact something relatively new.

We can only learn from making either decision – one or the other – because as partner says, if one see-saws then there are fears and then I have to look at what were those fears which I can see are related more into ‘what others might say’ rather than learning to trust myself, my consideration and not fearing making a ‘mistake’ in such a ‘delicate situation’ but all of these are like ‘special values’ I’ve attached to a situation like a funeral, which I should start embracing as any other part of our social interactions too.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project onto others ideas, beliefs and expectations about ‘how I should be and behave’ and in this compromising myself within these beliefs within me that I thought I had to ‘stick to’, which actually I ended up shattering once that I saw how the whole funeral indeed became like a small reunion of the family where eventually the sadness and protocol were past and people were able to relax a bit after some of the processes involved in the funeral were done, as well as realizing that I had created this whole idea about funerals in my head, from movies or situations that are not realistic in how things and people actually go and behave in them, so I confirm my own brainwashing, lol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my actions and interactions during a funeral as inadequate or possibly not good enough when there is actually no ‘standard’ for it all nor is there any morality that I should adjust to, other than instead going in accordance to the actions and activities that are part of the funeral and remain in stability while being accompanying others in such moments, letting go of the idea that I have to ‘be sad or show sadness’ and instead continue pushing myself to be ok with being stable and rather of a supportive stance in the midst of it all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge crying in a funeral as a weakness, as a form of ‘being in my mind’ upon seeing the person in the coffin which actually could have also triggered the idea of ‘no longer seeing the person around’ while at the same time remembering the times with them,  while at the same time invariably considering the death of everyone around me in that moment as something that I’ll face in one way or another – therefore, I can embrace death, death people as in dead bodies in front of me and see them for what they are, matter, while reminding myself that this funeral process is more for the living than the dead and that no matter ‘who dies’, I am here, I am breathing and anything I am fearing in relation to death I have to process for myself from the get go in order to not be holding on to judgments, ideas, beliefs around death and funerals and the social situation in it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an idea that I should be ‘beyond’ this situation of funerals in terms of getting emotional in it, which can instead create a suppression if I have already participated in any form of sadness around it and as such, releasing it through crying makes sense for the body and myself, instead of holding myself back and causing more suppression in my body which I consider I created in me, experiencing a flu at the moment which sounds like a participation in the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fears around the future of my parents dying, others in that same funeral dying and how I’ll have to take care of the situation which I managed to also turn into a constructive discussion with my parents to get to know more of the facts around their funerals and time of death, which has also become very much like a taboo topic that over the years I’ve been opening up more, but I could see how based on reactions I saw they had upon touching the subject, it was definitely not a ‘desired topic’ but they were ok to explain some things, which is cool and in this I rather turn those ‘fears’ into something practical where I know where I can look at the prevention and practicality of these points to look at.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into a future projection of how hard it must be to have parents die and how much I will cry or suffer when they are gone, and in doing so don’t stop myself from indulging into this imagination, wherein even if it could be a practical imagination and I considered how it would be reasonable to cry and be sad, there was also a fear of ‘not being able to be stable enough’ or ‘losing my ground’ which I rather hereby let go of the judgment towards a situation as the death of relatives, family, friends, partners that I will most likely face in my lifetime and instead be ok with whatever emerges in that moment, not judging sadness for the death of someone close to me as a weakness or a fall, but instead seeing it as a momentary process that I will also overcome with time and self-support, so here realizing that death of others is not the end of the world, no matter how hard it is at times, I am here, I’m breathing, I’m alive and so I rather not look too much into a future that I cannot ensure for myself either and instead, I can trust myself that when the time comes, I can deal with the situation in self-support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have tried to ‘break the taboo’ around the topic of death through speaking about it, asking how I would like to be buried or how others would like to be buried while at the same time still doing so within an inherent fear of actually having to face such moments – so here applies the point of ‘who we are’ in what we do, because even if I might seem comfortable in asking these questions and they can be in fact genuinely supportive to look at for practical reasons, if I am still existing as fear of facing those moments, then I am still having to let go of the fear of ‘what if’ for a future moment, stick to my present and trust myself I’ll be able to handle it when time comes, because death is the only certainty that we all have in this reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a fear of loss toward the people that are close to me and wanting to believe that ‘I’ll survive it, I’ll be strong about it’ when in fact I don’t know and can’t know, and have to accept that it might not be an ‘easy time’ for me, yet what I do know is that  I can eventually overcome it with continuing focusing on living and supporting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into self-doubt about my actions and ways in general during a funeral wherein I am focusing more on what I am ‘for others’ and doing what is ‘expected’ instead of rather deciding to be the directive principle of myself there, doing what others do that I find is supportive like being there with the family, without indulging into emotions if they are not ‘here’ – meaning, not pretending for the sake of empathy – and at the same time, not judging myself if I do become emotional in them, wherein then I can come and write and see what other fears or points opened up in my through this experience and so instead of seeing this experience through the eyes of ‘fearing making a mistake’ or ‘not being up to the expectations’ – which are my own anyways – I can learn from myself in those contexts and continue being honest with myself about my experience, while realizing that I can stabilize myself and I can prevent emotional buildups through writing and reasoning through a death process as a preventive measure, but at the same time, not to judge if I cannot ‘contain’ myself in those moments. What matters is being able to stand up from those moments, not judging myself for being ‘at my weakest’ during the death of a person close to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have wanted to play the strong one that doesn’t cry at all and that is ever stable when I have to also be self-honest in my experience and be ok with me being sad or crying at a funeral, while also keeping an eye on not being entertaining memories or ideas that lead to a continuous crying that is then being constantly generated by the mind and that I consider will also depend on the relationship with the person, the time spent with them and so not judging others when I do see them ‘break down’ and be very sad in those moments of mourning the death of a loved one. I have to embrace those situations as aspects of our humanity that might be difficult to completely face with zero emotions. Therefore not to judge myself as emotions, but rather ensuring I am not manipulating myself into emotions and instead let them out once that they are there and support myself to stand up again from such times/moments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider that we will miss him in family reunions because of his good sense of humor, kindness and embracing towards us for who we are, understanding our sometimes unconventional ways of being and enjoying that of ourselves, believing that then ‘no one’ will have that same stance towards ourselves, but here I can then apply the ‘miss-him’ to me-is-him realization whenever in future moments it comes up that we are missing him in our reunions, to rather live that kindness, welcoming, embracing, non-compromising expression he had with us, as well as with a good sense of humor and live it out ourselves, to continue being cordial to others and rather continue applying those words as myself toward others. That way I take the words, the aspects of him that I found most supportive and enjoyable and make it a point to live them as myself and so toward others.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel a bit powerless in wanting to help others that were in notorious grief and wanting to assist them in one way or another, expecting some kind of ‘result’ from it, instead of rather being unconditional with my presence and support and understanding how my desire to stop them suffering is still coming from a fear of them remaining in suffering, so I rather let go of a desired outcome of what my support should do for others and instead express it as myself, no judgment, no expectation, letting go of what’s right or wrong, but be able to trust my common sense in such moments and let go of the judgments, no matter how ‘new’ a situation might be for me, common sense is common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an expectation towards myself in a funeral as in ‘wanting to be of support for others’ and so trying to find any way in which I could be ‘there’ as a point of support, which didn’t came through in any notorious manner, therefore here I have to let go of my desire to ‘be of support’ and instead embrace my presence as that, a presence that is there for myself and for others wherein I can then assist when and as I see is possible or required of me, but this does not mean that I am ‘only there wanting to support’ because then I condition myself, my decisions and my expression as in wanting to be ‘of support’ for others only.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to at times also consider whether I should be there at all, if we were not much of an ‘extra burden’ in such moments where I was assessing then in terms of ‘hierarchy of importance’ and ‘who’s who in the zoo’ in that situation based on ‘how close’ each person was to the person that died etc. instead of just being able to embrace my own conviction  of wanting to be there as my decision and that of everyone else that was also participating in their own decision – so I have to stop indulging into ‘what ifs’ in such situations, because yes as much as others could compromise themselves in not wanting to be rude to some people and ask them to leave, I also cannot create ideas about what others are desiring in relation to my presence there either. I can only be the one that is sincerely there as a personal conviction and so, others could do the same in relation to embracing me or not around and communicate about it. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be ‘politically correct’ in a situation such as the death of a person, wherein it actually comes from a desire to be doing the ‘right thing’ in such situations but the reality is that it is many times a new experience for everyone therefore, there is no ‘right or wrong’ or expectations around it, but simply doing what’s necessary to do in such situations, following protocols while assisting oneself to remain calm and not feeding our minds with fears and experiences, while at the same time embracing the emotions if they are here at times.

 

I saw various points opened up throughout these past days and I noticed how in several moments I had to go making sure I am doing things within my own volition and decision, breaking through a pattern of avoiding funerals and instead testing out ‘who am I’ in them, in a way facing a fear of death in general I suppose that is more in relation to seeing others being sad or mourning and fearing that within myself.

I have to make peace with a process of mourning, that’s for sure and it’s something I’ll face probably several times in my life, therefore I rather assist myself with prevention and learning from this experience, which is another way to get to know myself.

 

Ultimately I have to consider and remind myself do as I’d like to be done unto – and in this yes I would not like people to be sad when I am dead but rather take one or two points they learned from me and live them through in their own lives, that would be awesome so, this process goes beyond ‘a funeral’ really, it can be turned into much more of what that person lived and what we can learn from each other and continue the life of these individuals through words we saw them live and live them ourselves.

 

Thanks for reading

 

For anyone seeking support on facing the death of loved ones , please read through the following blogs from Sunette to understand the process of mourning at a mind and physical level, very supportive:

Shock, Trauma and Stress: DAY 479 | Heaven’s Journey to Life

Shock, Trauma and Stress (Part Two): DAY 480 | Heaven’s 

Relationships and Death: DAY 481 | Heaven’s Journey to Life

Losing someone is like Losing a part of Myself – DAY 491 | 

Losing someone is like Losing a part of Myself (Part 2) – DAY 

 

To anyone wanting to know first hand shares from the life in the afterlife:

Death Review Series: This series consists of personal stories of beings during their process of death in various contexts and situations, detailing the relationship between the mind, body and beingness.

 

Life Review Series: This series consists of hundreds of personal stories of beings who passed, crossed over and reviewed their lives – all to share with us what they faced, what they learned and how they did or could have lived solutions.

 

Mourning Flu

 

 

join in the Process of Life

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268. Escaping from the Inner-Hell

 

The pattern unfolds the following way: one faces a point wherein Self Responsibility was neglected, wherein we didn’t measure the consequences of our thoughts, words and deeds and as such ‘all hell breaks lose’ within ourselves, because then we are faced with consequence, and we realize there is No way out from it this timeright?

And in this second guessing of having to inevitably face the point which implies realizing the neglected responsibility and walk a process of writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application, one decides that there is a ‘better way’/ alternative way to ‘cope’ with it – and that’s where some action and process to evade the consequence emerge: anything that can become a point to occupy our mind with, anything that can give us a sense of satisfaction, a feel good experience, a momentary resort, a reward after having to face such consequences – one seeks to immediately want to ‘get lost’ from it all for a moment, to just drop it all, leave everything and disappear.

 

Yes this is a mind pattern that leads to addiction – why? because the momentary high to evade responsibility becomes such that we would rather just remain in that ‘comfortable numbness’ wherein one is literally doing nothing other than finding various ways to avoid having to face the consequences, walk the correction and ‘face the music’ as they say. Once one is down to Earth from such temporary high, one seek for something else… and so it becomes quite a straining pattern because the more we resist to face the consequence, the more the guilt, remorse, shame, regret, fears, judgments, backchats accumulate, until we feed the entity so much that it becomes quite unbearable to handle, it is ‘alive’ in itself, because we have essentially fed it through our own participation in thoughts, emotions, feelings, actions/ inactions to not face the point. This is when we believe that it is simply ‘too late,’ we are doomed and essentially give up whatever we were doing, which is quite a pattern that we all go into: we hide in our caves instead of actually facing it, creating solutions and sorting out the point.

220. Drug Culture: Mad Society as a Lifestyle

If one is not self honest, this pattern turns into self-victimization and you end up blaming the world, parents, teachers, government, society, ‘the world’ and ‘how fucked everything is’ for our experience – but, what we haven’t realized is that it’s not about anyone or anything else but ourselves, really. We have seen how the environment and the lack of equal support Does contribute to addictive behaviors – however in the end, the ultimate say comes from ourselves: we are the ones that decide to either stand up or remain in such self-destructive behavior, which is essentially destroying ourselves due to fearing facing our own irresponsibility and negligence and actually place the cards on the table to see how we caused the problem and as such, how to walk the solution.

 

Within victimization, blame, regret, pity and a deliberate desire to ‘let go of the bad/ negative/ evil/ malevolent’ that we have fed within ourselves due to having neglected ourselves/ our reality,  we turn to love and become masters of light, consciousness and a so-called spirituality, we try and cover up our actual inner-demons to hide the actual reality that we realize exists within ourselves, but didn’t dare to face, and as such, hide in the opposite side behind positive thinking, love, spirituality, blessings and a general imagination that leads to this comforting fluffy paradise after death, wherein one rejoices in these custom-made heavens in order to ‘soften the blow’ of having to remain and keep living on this Earth, which is apparently and seemingly easier than actually being willing to see the truth of ourselves, and take responsibility for it, which certainly won’t be nice and pretty – however, it must be done no matter what.

The other option is completely going to absolute self-doom and gloom where we see no way out other than self-destructing, and that’s where drugs, alcohol and various other forms of self harm emerge – we can also have a mix of being a nice positive thinker and be addicted to some drug to enhance the experience, a positive mr. self destruct with new age backchat of ‘everything will be just fine’ while lighting up the next joint. You get the picture.

 

In all of this, we are only feeding more energy to that which we avoid looking at/ facing as ourselves. This ‘escapism’ becomes quite a difficult thing to do for a long time when one has already made the firm decision  to not fool oneself any longer and take responsibility for anything we face. This also implies that the nagging thought of Knowing that we are evading ourselves is simply unbearable, because we Know we cannot deceive ourselves. We complain about the world being one big Lie yet we still deceive ourselves by giving breath and time to that which we already Know is not supportive. That is not congruent and when one has decided to become an actual living being, there is no way other than facing the points, walking the solutions – the agony can only be prolonged for as long as one is willing to agonize through the constant thinking, waiting, hoping, tormenting ourselves and talking back and forth about ‘everything that is wrong’ and create our own storm in a glass of water. A general suggestion is to realize that waiting and hoping for something to clear our consequence is futile, hiding from it is futile, prolonging the confrontation only prolongs the unnecessary suffering – so, why not facing it right away?

 

Fear Dimension:

I will have to face the ugly truth of myself

 

Thought Dimension:

Just vanishing, everything disappearing, me being doing nothing at all

 

Backchat/ Internal Conversations:

– I rather just give up, there is no point in solving that

– It’s done and I fucked up

– I knew this would lead nowhere

– I just want to make it all stop

 

Imagination:

Negative imagination: having to spend a long time solving the problem/ situation

Positive imagination: numbing myself out any form of drug/ stimulant/ activity/ inactivity

 

Reactions:

-Dread, dullness, apathy, wanting to give up

 

Physical Dimension:

– Yawning, wanting to sleep, slouching, heavy eyes, tiredness

– Doing something compulsively like pulling out  my hair or cleaning something, going out to ‘get something’ that I don’t precisely need

 

Consequences:

– Wasting time, having to catch up while I regain my stability, missing out great opportunities of self-change due to giving into the energetic experience of ‘I’m doomed/I’m fucked/ I lost’

 

 

Next post we’ll walk these dimensions with Self Forgiveness, Self Corrective Statements and Self Commitments.

Further support:

DSC00352 (1)

Blogs:

 

Face Thy Demons – Great Support here:

2013 – The Future of Consciousness – When Thoughts intend Harm to another (Part 1) – Part 3
2013 – The Future of Consciousness – When Thoughts intend Harm to another (Part 2) – Part 4

 

And to understand how we ‘fall’ in our own doom from the greatest innate self-experiences lived as children:

Why your Weakest Points are your Greatest strength – Life Review

185. Anxiety over Time

 

Anxiety is one of the physical consequences within the procrastination character – here I explore anxiety in relation to time, memories of anxiety linked with having to complete tasks or a specific ideal of ‘who I have to be’ in order to remain within the accepted and allowed self-imposed standards of being efficient, steadfast and accurate in what I do.

Physical Dimensions of Procrastination – Reaction of Anxiety

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as the experience of quivering and energetic churning in my solar plexus, extending throughout my body as all my limbs and believe that I must ‘act’ upon this experience to make it stop, without realizing that it is just the movement of energy that is throughout my body as the consequential outflow of me having created an experience toward my reality as emotions, feelings, thoughts which are only existent to generate conflict and friction within me.

 

When and as I see myself experiencing anxiety within my physical body, I stop and I breathe until the energy dissipates and I ensure that I am bringing myself here back to the physical, wherein I then rewind the moment to see what did I see, what was I thinking, what single thought emerged within me that caused me this energetic physical experience, as I see and realize that it won’t go away just by ‘breathing’ through it, but that the core and starting point of it must be clarified within me in order to take responsibility for the relationship of energy that I created toward something/ someone in separation of myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety whenever I see that I am ‘missing out’ on doing something, which is usually linked to being procrastinating a particular task wherein the single thought of ‘task’ to be completed, triggers this inner experience within me that is felt in the pit of my stomach. I realize that it is a Lot more subtle than the ‘anxiety attacks’ I would get years ago, however, it is still existent as this minute ‘bomb’ that I experience as a burst of energy that quickly fades in the solar plexus area – however, the energetic experience is still linked to me ‘knowing’ that I have to do something and me believing that ‘I don’t have enough time for it,’ which is an excuse that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘rush’ the experience of anxiety with, believing that it must be ‘done now’ and within this statement, binding myself to time instead of giving myself a practical direction to establish a moment of the day to dedicate to my task/ project to complete.

 

When and as I see myself having the thought of ‘task’ and then backchatting ‘I don’t have enough time’ – I stop and I breathe until the experience of the anxiety in the ‘pit of my stomach’ dissipates as I ensure that I return the energy back to the physical through in-out breath – as I bring myself here back to physical stability, I give myself direction in that moment to proceed to work on the task/ arrange my other tasks so that I ensure I do work on it today.

 

I realize that this energetic experience of anxiety is directly linked to ‘time’ as this ever-looming haunting presence wherein I have made of time an enemy without even wanting to realize it, thus I stop defining my day according to ‘time’ but instead direct me to move in every moment according to tasks/ points that must be completed – that way I stop binding myself to time, and work on physical reality here in every moment, ensuring I take on each point breath-by—breath.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so ‘used to’ the experience of anxiety that I have managed to simply shove it aside for a moment, and believe that I could ‘live with it’ or the remains of it as this not-so overwhelming experience as it used to be, but this little tiny energetic outbursts after these years of being stopping what I called as ‘nervousness’ which was actually anxiety,  and that it was ‘part of myself’ as something that could not be entirely ‘stopped’ which is me limiting myself to my full ability to remain here as the absolute physical breath and stability that I am.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make of anxiety a physical experience that I defined as my own ‘alarm’ to move on and pay attention to what was required to do, wherein I would experience anxiety whenever I was expected to move ‘fast’ and do things ‘quickly’ in order to maintain a certain expectation of my ‘performance’ within specific tasks, specifically stemming from the relationship with my father, that I’ve walked through several blogs as an example 103. Being efficient out of Fear! wherein I realized that this desire to ‘match’ my father’s perceived efficiency would cause me to get into anxiety the same way that I would observe him be and do wherein, even if he would react in anger and anxiety to direct things, everything would always work out perfectly – or so I believed.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I require anxiety to perform a task, to get things done as an ‘alarm’ or ‘warning’ that there is something I must ‘get to do’ and within my own ‘rebellion’ toward my own patterns – foolishly so – I created a laxity toward this wherein I did not precisely write self forgiveness on the experience of anxiety and its origin, but tried to simply ‘breathe through it’ without actually understanding how I created the pattern myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the memory of my father rushing us all to be ready to leave the house or do a particular ‘move’ wherein I perceived his own anxiety and demanding force for everyone to just hurry and move and get out of the house in order to leave, and me creating this experience within me of what I can refer to as anxiety within the belief that moving fast/ going out of the house immediately and essentially performing any task or something that is required of me to do, has to be done with this experience at a physical level of anxiety.

Therefore, I see and realize that I have programmed myself to believe that doing something ‘out of the ordinary’ or that which I am regularly comfortable with, must have an anxiety experience toward it accompanied with a sense of rush and steadfastness that is not physical only, but always accompanied with a mix of nervousness and anxiety as the expectation of something that would happen and that I would not know how to ‘control’ or what to ‘expect’ in such situations, which is how I believed that experiencing the ‘tickling’ throughout my body was a normal physical reaction to expectations, future projections, doing something out of my regular ‘doings,’ or being specifically called out by my name to move/ do something, requires anxiety for me to ‘wake up.’

 

When and as I see myself experiencing anxiety when I am about to do a task or remember about doing it or being asked by my name to do something , I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is me re-enacting that first experience of rushing/ fear/ anxiety and nervousness when I was asked to do something that I was uncertain about in relation to the point being ‘familiar’ or ‘known’ for me to Know what to expect – which is then realizing that I don’t require to have control of or be expecting something specific when dealing with a situation, when getting myself to perform a task, when going somewhere and meeting someone unknown to me as events wherein within my awareness have no reference to.

 

I commit  myself to realize that I don’t require anxiety in order to move and that it is certainly Not a normal experience whenever I am about to direct myself to perform a task, to go somewhere, meet someone, or I am simply asked to do something that I believe I am not ‘ready for.’ I realize that the readiness and steadfastness exists as who I am here as the physical breath by breath.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety whenever I go into a future projection of being in a situation wherein I am not ‘reaching my goal’ or ‘achieving what I expected’ or ‘fulfilling another’s expectations upon me,’ which is how I allowed myself to become the anxious and steadfast person based on the belief that I did not want to be as ‘slow’ as my sisters or mother, and within that, wanting to be ‘liked’ by my father for always being as ready, steadfast, accurate and efficient as I have perceived him to be. Within this, accepting his anxiety and usual anger as means o give direction to something or someone in a proper manner, within this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I required to experience anxiety within me in order to move, do things efficiently and even more so, when directing others also having to exert anger within my desire to have everyone and everything just functioning and working the exact same way that I want it to be – wherein if something did not go out as I ‘have intended to’ I would go into absolute nervous breakdown.  In this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get anxious at the thought of that still image of me in the classroom in second grade and simply losing my focus on that ‘mental calculation’ exercise wherein we have to go making immediate multiplications and just writing down the result and me missing out one of them and so suddenly going into this extreme fear and anxiety because I saw everyone else was simply following through and ‘I’ had lost it and within this an immediate overwhelming experience rushed to my head as me not getting an ‘A’ /or 10 as it is qualified here – and within this, missing out my ‘perfection’ at that stage which was the time when I was overtly apprehensive about my reputation in school as an ‘A’ student. Thus I began crying and simply lost it, which was a way for me to also want to create a justification as in ‘poor girl, she’s crying, let’s do it all again for her,’ as a point of manipulation in order for me to have a ‘second chance,’ which obviously didn’t happen and I didn’t get a good grade and that’s how it remained as a memory to ‘keep’ due to the extensive amount of anxiety that lead to crying and the embarrassment for crying and for missing out on the exercise at the eyes of my entire class.

Within this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into anxiety due to projecting onto others thoughts and beliefs of them thinking that I have simply ‘lost it’ as in missing out on the most simple stuff and within this, fearing to be stupid or dumb in that moment, which stood as an opposite of the image that I would ‘work so hard’ to maintain which was being the straight-A flawless student.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety whenever I believe that I am ‘losing my perfection’ wherein after the experiences throughout childhood of being overtly apprehensive with school, I became more ‘relaxed’ about it in order to show to others that I wasn’t as ‘apprehensive with school,’ wherein eventually it developed to the point I am facing today which is the ‘I don’t care’ character stemming from that initial stage in my life of extensive anxiety and apprehension toward school and doing everything ‘perfectly’ – o the point where I believe that ‘I don’t care’ however, always maintaining almost immaculate curriculum and within this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety as a suppressed way to not look at what must be done, but instead seeing it as me ‘missing out/ losing my position’ in relation to any point/ task/ project that I have to complete, thus

When and as I see myself experiencing anxiety as the accumulation of me having had this expectation of myself as being always ‘perfect’ and ‘right’ in and throughout school, generating this idea that I must then continue that personality and that because I am not moving myself to do so, I require anxiety to move as a way to generate fear within me to move myself – but! because it meets with my newly upgraded character of the apprehensive mutated into the ‘I don’t care,’ the anxiety is quieted down and immediately-instantly suppressed with an ‘I don’t care’ experience which is then creating a thought or come up with something for me to do in order to make it alright for me to not do things – thus  I see that this single play out of experience requires stopping both the anxiety and the cover up experience to the anxiety as ‘I don’t care’ in order to simply move physically and get things done.

 

I commit myself to stop waiting for me to experience a thought and anxiety afterward related to ‘doing the task’ as a way to move myself and within this, stopping the cover up experience of ‘I don’t care’ and leaving it for later – as I see and realize that as long as I continue making it ‘okay’ to save it for later, I continue the indecision and lack of self direction in one moment here, wherein I realize that I only require to make the decision and live it out as myself.

 

There’s more to come in relation to anxiety, ‘big projects’ or tasks and my looming experience that comes when thinking that ‘I have to do something’ but then going into anxiety, suppress it and continue doing something else wherein no self-movement is then occurring.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety at the moment for thinking ‘all the stuff I have to do after I post this blog’ and immediately wanting to rush to publish and ‘get done with it’ wherein I then start blaming myself for taking the time to work on the cooking process earlier and within this not prioritizing my time – thus,

When and as I see myself wanting to rush and get anxious to post my blog, I stop and I breathe until I redistribute the anxiety experience throughout my body and out through breathing, and then I realize that I require to be more directive during mornings like today wherein I can simply go straight to the writing to then focus on answering mails and everything else that must be done.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be rubbing my feet within the anxiety experience wherein I have become so used to the rubbing of my feet as a physical indication of anxiety and nervousness upon the realization that ‘I am behind’ something and I must ‘hurry’ as if rubbing my feet would somehow expedite the process as a constant friction experienced as the act of rubbing my feet one against the other.

When and as I see myself rubbing my feet together as a way to externalize the anxiety as the friction I am experiencing inside me, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I don’t require to externalize a point of literal friction within me outside as rubbing my feet one against the other in a constant manner, as I can instead stop the anxiety from the beginning and within this

I commit myself to breathe and slow down every single moment that I see the slightest emergence of anxiety as myself as a rushing point to ‘get it done,’ and also stopping the imagination and projection of doing things ‘right away after I’m done with this,’ as it is an indication of dimensional shifts that I am participating in, wherein I am not being fully here as the finishing of the blog itself, but already wanting to ‘finish it up/ get it done’ so that it is posted, without realizing that I have been the only one that has set this ‘time’ limitation to my tasks.

Instead, I direct myself to simply make use of my time effectively wherein I see that there is no point in limiting myself according to ‘time’ but rather ensure that I work-on and direct points that are required to be directed moment by moment – one after the other – ensuring that throughout the process, I am here as breath.

I commit myself to breathe consciously and in full hereness, stopping whatever I am doing, until I can stand and ensure that I am no longer being ‘subject to’ anxiety, as I see and realize that whenever I try to only ‘cover up’ anxiety, it becomes just this something that is placed aside without really focusing on identifying the origin point and within this supporting myself physically to breathe through it until all energy is dissipated and I take responsibility for whatever is causing the anxiety within me.

I commit myself to realize that who I am is stable here as the physical and that I require no energetic experience to move myself and direct myself as I have just seen and realize how I am able to breathe through the experience until the energy dissipates and I am here stable as self.

I commit myself to ensure that I breathe until all muscles of my physical body are not tense and I experience breath being comfortably here as myself.

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74. “You’ll need to Suffer to make any Real Art”

 

When I was a young around 7/ 8 years old, my sister was in her nationalist era and she had several poster-paintings by Frida Kahlo in her room. Whenever I would go in there I would remain in awe looking at those images due to the content/ expression they represented as a lot of suffering – Frida crying, blood, self portrayals of her physical discomfort and all of these surreal passages that got stuck within my mind. I was actually quite ‘sad’ when she took them down because my mother thought it was ‘too depressive’ to have those paintings in her room, ‘too gory’ and ‘too much of a negative energy’ for the room.

I had not realized how these paintings became a platform to ‘build my expression’ due to the extent that they ‘awakened’ my emotional patterns, the desire to experience the same she was portraying in her paintings, it made me ‘feel alive’ which is how I began to identify that desire to ‘suffer’ and ‘feel pain’ in order to ‘create great art’ like that, and be able to ‘express’ something as meaningful as she did. Of course I got to know her story of actual physical discomfort due to her accident, which I simply used then as a way to think that I had to suffer, create some turmoil in my life to be able to depict it through paintings and get to be ‘as good as she was’ at it.

I began creating these ideas and relationships in my head that I could use to Create what I deemed were ‘similar experiences’ of pain and suffering – this was back in 2003 as I described in my previous post – just so that I could paint something like her paintings. Couple of years later I read in a book a quote that really got stuck in my head ‘True art comes from suffering’ – or something along the lines, and that confirmed my idea that ‘I wanted to be an artist because I could ‘feel’ such torture in my being,’ lol – which was actually built and self-created from a much earlier stage in my life – 7/8 years old – and only confirming that or believing that I had in fact ‘found my place in Art’ when reading such quote 10 years after the initial ‘imprint’ of this desire to create in an emotional state.

And so, the specialness aura goes for debunking through Self Forgiveness.

Pattern: Believing that great art is only existent if it evokes an emotion within me and others

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that art could only be ‘great art’ if it evoked an emotional experience within me and others

 

Self Forgiveness Statements

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be haunted by the Frida Kahlo paintings in my sister’s room specifically because of the suffering, sadness and pain they portrayed, which caught my attention to the emotional depiction of sorrow, pain, suffering as something that I could experience while looking at them and within this, feeling ‘alive’ when looking at paintings.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to develop an attraction to this particular depiction of human emotions through images depicting blood, pain, tears, the human physical body in pain and through that, creating the foundation of an emotional state that I would allow myself to to experience whenever I would go into my sister’s room to look at the paintings.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define myself as being attracted to the depiction of pain and sorrow in paintings, wherein I started valuing images depicting such emotional states as ‘great art’ and within that, me wanting and desiring to be able to paint similar topics to evoke the same emotions in others, the same way Frida’s paintings were evoking within myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to within this fascination/ attraction for the paintings and the experience that I was obtaining from looking at them, start thinking that ‘someday I want to be a painter just like her’ – wherein this single thought became a desire later on as the years went by, which I eventually consummated when opting to finally study arts.

 

I realize that I made that decision from the Experience that I got which was linked to fascination, mystery and a vicarious enjoyment of staring at a painting that depicted suffering/ pain/ dismal view upon the world which I recognized as ‘my view of the world,’ yet it was simply the energetic experience that I was truly drawn to due to and because of the emotional body ‘awakening’ to these paintings and beginning the identification of myself as such emotions, as an experience that I defined as ‘preference’ and ‘kinship’ to the painter, without realizing it was just the mind finding its ‘source’ to generate emotions from a visual interaction with paintings depicting such emotions.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to within this acceptance of myself as emotions, start thinking and believing that ‘I have to be an artist’ because of thinking that ‘not everyone would get the same experiences I did’ when looking at art, which was only due to and based to the accumulation of self-talk throughout the years to ‘find a taste’ on art because of the associations I started giving to Art as a ‘superior human activity’ in my mind – hence using it as a way to value ‘art’ more than any other human activity, to justify my eventual decision to ‘be an artist’ simply because of the curiosity around creation and the Experience that I would get from looking at art, images, video, etc.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to be a painter just to be as ‘famous’ and ‘well-known’ as Frida, because she got to be a world-wide known persona and that’s what attracted me the most in terms of being a famous person.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire creating images that could instigate the same emotional side that I got from looking at Frida’s paintings to other people, so that I could ensure that I could ‘touch’ people through paintings/ images, within this

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be fascinated by someone that was so ‘filled with emotions’ and being apparently ‘mysterious’ as she was, due to her tormented life which became a trigger point for her creations.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feed my mind with thoughts of ‘fascination’ whenever I would be in my sister’s room and stare at the images for quite some time, trying to almost ‘suck’ the essence out of the pain and sorrow they represented and use it as a way to ‘make my own art’ which eventually influenced what I did without me wanting to openly admit it, because ‘hey, I have to be special!’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deny admitting or fear admitting that Frida Kahlo was one of my influences because of how ‘popular’ she is in Mexico and me wanting to be ‘unique’ and ‘special’ as ‘an artist,’ which I thought that when naming Frida as an influence, I would be tagged as cheesy or predictable – hence I kept it ‘hidden’ and always naming any other artist as ‘influence’ just so that I could remain in an apparent ‘safe zone’ of influences and not going for what seemed ‘obvious’ only in my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that Frida’s paintings were a ‘great influence for me,’ wherein the idea of ‘influence’ is still used as a way to not directly accept that I in fact just wanted to be like her and experience myself the same way she did as ‘that made her create great art!’ without ever really measuring what it would be like to be living in constant depression, sorrow and pain as the emotions that I would get and imagine her experiencing when looking at her paintings.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to from the moment of being in my sister’s room, looking at Frida’s paintings, create this ‘special moment’ of me staring at a work of art with a predisposition to ‘get something off it’ as an experience, and the more I was able to get any form of ‘empathy’ such as depression, sadness, chills or any other energetic experience, I would use as a measuring point to say that the artwork was ‘powerful’ and ‘great’ and if I didn’t get any emotion/ feeling from it: I would say the artwork is not good/ bullshit.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to link the creation of emotions whenever I looked at art/ paintings/ music videos and any other image that I could use as a way to ‘feel alive’ through generating emotions and feelings from it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define being emotional and mysterious as being a ‘superior being’ that is more ‘sensitive’ toward the world, when in fact it is no different to any other being existing as the mind, generating emotions and feelings instead of just Living here as breath – within this, I realize that I have pondered artists and creative people that are well-tormented as ‘superior’ because of how I programmed myself from that early age to associate being emotional = being alive, being more aware, being more ‘in touch with yourself,’ which is just another excuse for me to validate my career choice and entire personality as in wanting to be and become ‘an artist.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the judgment of my mother toward Frida’s paintings on my sister’s wall as being ‘too sad and gory’ while making a gesture of disgust as a ‘good idea’ for me to do something that would deliberately vex her, disturb her, which is linked to an entire process that I’ve realized fairly recently due to the Heaven’s Journey To Life  blog how there is this friction relationship with the mother from the time of inception – hence this event was just part of me creating a point of friction toward her, to deliberately ‘shock’ and ‘disturb’ her, as a way to get out of the ‘cookie cutter pattern’ that I thought she wanted me to remain as/ impose onto myself because of being ‘her daughter’ – within this

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to like the idea of me doing something that would disturb my mother in a shocking way, as a statement of saying: I am not like my sisters, I do not have conventional preferences, I step out of the family mold – which is how through becoming the entire ‘eccentric’ role, I fed my self-belief as this art-lover more and more as that meant separating myself more and more from having to continue/ follow the steps of my sisters as what I deemed being ‘normal, ordinary, conventional’ in a derogatory/ inferior way, wherein I had placed the eccentric/ odd/ mysterious/ emotional in a superior place in my mental value scheme toward the world and people.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to from the moment of seeing the shock and impact that images would create and instill in my mother to the point of her asking my sister to take them down, to then use paintings as a way for me to ‘go against her flow’ and create shocking images just for the sake of secretly vindicating my desire to vex and disturb my mother, even if I ‘hid’ most of those paintings from her, even till this day –

 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the entire play-out of events from this moment on defined my desire to paint something that would be ‘eccentric’ and disturbing as a way to make my mother react or be bothered, and get a kick out of it – with no reason or purpose but that initial primordial relationship of mother/ daughter that began from the moment I was inside her womb.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted an allowed myself to choose a career just for the sake of wanting to ‘step out ‘of the mold that I believed I was being imposed with, and in that desire to ‘spite my mother’/ family structure, I opted to study something that represented ‘getting out of the family mold,’ without realizing that the only one I was fucking with was myself, as I would have to live with that decision based on all of these emotional and relationship play outs in my family that I defined myself according to.

 

I realize that the only one that is now living the consequences of such decisions based on experiences is myself, and it has nothing to do with the paintings, the painter, my mother or sisters, but only myself and my own mind as the definition of who and what I wanted to be and what I did not want to be ‘for others,’ not even for myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to within spiting what I perceived were imposed decisions for my life from my mother, I took the ‘opposite road’ in order to ensure that ‘I’ could decide for myself, wherein I simply took the opposite road to spite them and separate myself from them, without actually realizing that the decision I was taking was for me and my own life and that the only one that would have to live with such decisions was myself, and that I was the only one that would have to live with it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that in my desire to ‘spite everyone else,’ I only spitted myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to elevate art to the status of being something ‘eccentric and unique’ which fueled my desire to not be ordinary, to be ‘out of this world/ out of my family mold’ and within that, be ‘abnormal’ from the ‘normalcy’ that I had judged as pathetic and predictable, without realizing that we have all always been predictable as the mind patterns that work in mechanical ways wherein I was never really aware of me when living out those choices, but was only following a systematic pattern of creating friction and opposition in order to establish my self-righteousness over common sense in my life, to only fuel my ego.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to begin painting with the desire to be emotional to have something ‘great’ to paint, and to evoke the same experience in another when looking at it, which is what I defined as what would make a painting ‘famous’ and ‘liked’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to start seeing emotions – in a lesser manner also feelings – as a way to make a painting ‘come alive’ wherein I started believing that the emotional way I was painting in would define a painting s either successful/ not successful based on the reactions that others would be able to obtain from them.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to ‘feel alive’ through paintings, associating this with having to be sad, dismal, depressed and angry at the world, which is how I would allow myself to reinforce emotions through words, pictures, ideas, thoughts, lyrics, books in order to gather ‘enough material to work with’ as an emotional experience that I would define as ‘feeling inspired’ to paint and portray that which I wanted to say in order to leave a ‘mark’ of my emotional state for the world – creating an entire mythology around my own paintings as something special.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that because I didn’t have much to be sad about, I had to start creating my own sad stories and beginning to yearn for love and relationships, as that was another topic that I saw could generate a similar experience of ‘hopelessness’ and ‘dullness’ that I could express through images/ pictures according to how I would go tagging my reality as sad/ dismal and portraying that as paintings.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to talk myself into depression and deliberately triggering thoughts/ using images to create these emotional experiences because I defined that I could only be alive and be ‘sensitive enough’ just like an artist/ Frida, to create any good work of art.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could only create art if I had a ‘broken heart’ or a yearning for a relationship, which are the points that I fueled in order to paint.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to start looking at this world as being damned and shitty, as a thought in my mind just for the sake of making of that thought a painting that could make me ‘feel’ like I as this sensitive person to what was going on in the world – hence making me special in my own eyes and wanting to be special at the eyes of others = the desire to be an eccentric unique being.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to start seeing everyone as sad and dismal and slaves, which became the actual filter with which, till this day, I have been walking in order to not constantly feed the same pattern that I created in order to fuel my ‘creative abilities’ when using emotions as a trigger point for me to paint. This implies that I began seeking for the ‘negative experiences’ as a way to make myself feel ‘better’ about myself and feel ‘good’ whenever I could create with using such ‘emotional states of being’ as a source of ‘inspiration.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe then myself to be ‘too sensitive for this world,’ wherein I simply took the idea of ‘an artist being a more sensitive being’ wherein in my mind, being an artist and being sensitive meant a more ‘evolved’ human being, a more ‘humane’ being without ever realizing what emotions were really all about until now through what we learn and educate ourselves with at Desteni.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to talk myself into believing that I had a ‘gift’ to represent emotions in a touching manner through my paintings/ images/ drawings/ pictures, which became a point that I held on as myself, as if I was special about it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to talk myself into desiring a relationship, instigating any form of problem and friction within myself to have something to be sad, bothered, angry about in order to paint.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe in the sentence ‘True art only comes from suffering’ from Palahniuk’s books that I took on as a creed, and that I used to fuel my desire to have experiences in order to have something ‘meaningful’ to paint, which is how I would judge then what ‘good art’ and what ‘bad art’ was based on the amount of emotions and feelings I could generate/ get from looking at art, without realizing that I had programmed myself to act and believe that this was actually ‘so’ within itself which means: there was never ever something ‘special ‘and ‘unique’ about it, other than my obvious self-brain washing in a desire to be special.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain within the belief that ‘I had to be inspired to create any good art’ which mean ‘I had to be experiencing an emotion – preferably – to make any good painting, and that if I was rather ‘happy’ or in a positive attitude, it would mostly not be a good work of art, but only a spoof of reality.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that the sadder I felt, the better the painting would come out to be, wherein I would deliberately begin painting when I thought that I was sad enough, angry enough to do so.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to continue with this pattern of believing that creation required myself to be in a particular emotional way to generate emotions within others and within that, make of ‘my work’ something ‘great’ due to and because of how I had believed that only great works of art stem from feeling sad, experiencing sorrow and depression, which became a state of being that I deliberately sought in order to ‘make great art,’ without ever realizing I was only manipulating myself in order to fit my own ideal of what ‘great art’ is supposed to be.

 

 

Self Corrective Statements

 

When and as I see myself believing that ‘great art’ is that which is able to evoke an emotional experience within me and others, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I programmed myself this way from the time when I got an experience from Frida’s paintings that became the ‘blueprint’ for me to establish what is ‘great successful art’ and what is not, wherein through this value system I simply accept myself to be an emotional-robot that can only feel ‘alive’ if being ‘emotional’ in any way as a state of being.

 

When and as I see myself believing that being an artist is being a ‘special unique being’ and ‘sensitive’ toward the world, I stop and I breathe – I realize that in art the emotional and feeling bodies are used to give further meaning to just images and things in order to perpetuate the idea of the human being a sensitive creature, which is in no way what we really are as the proof of what our desire and drive for experiences is Here as the consequence of this absolute self interest wherein we can do ‘anything’ jus to ‘feel everything’ even if it means depleting the earth’s resources in the name of a feeling/ emotion, abusing ourselves, abusing life and simply perpetuating a monetary system that in no way is supporting LIFE but only the human as experiences within emotions and feelings that keep us all occupied in our minds and neglecting the reality that is crumbling down every step that we take to fulfill our ‘dreams’ instead of acting and caring to consider what is best for all instead.

 

When and as I see myself being drawn to pictures that depict sorrow, suffering, blood, tears, sadness, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I programmed myself to develop my ‘emotional side’ as the mind within looking at such images, in order to ponder emotions as ‘living’ and equating them to a ‘higher level of consciousness’ due to the belief that I held toward ‘emotions/ feelings’ being the actual ‘core’ of being a human being as in ‘being alive,’ yet absolutely neglecting the consequences that such feelings and emotions had on a physical level in every body, but only going for that rush as the actual energy that I would create whenever I could become emotional, just like a drug that I could generate through my own thoughts and my own images to reinforce such thoughts

 

When and as I see myself believing that I ‘chose my career’ based on my ‘affinity with art and life’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that this was just the result of me talking to myself to become someone eccentric – as I deemed artists to be – and within that, doing everything that I could to emulate the lives of beings that were artists so that I could be ‘one of them’ by identifying myself with their emotional experience and existence, which I defined as ‘living’ and being a ‘more aware being’ which was never really so, but only a highly ingrained belief system wherein I believed that an emotional being was ‘in touch with themselves, ‘when It was only being in touch with the mind as self, but never self aware as the totality of this world – without realizing that artists, just like any other human being, are only infatuated with their own thoughts, imagination, emotions, feelings, which is no different to any other being existing in absolute self-interest and self-obsession – thus

 

When and as I see myself seeing an ‘artist’ with this aura of ‘specialness’ when compared to other ‘normal’ beings, I stop and I breathe. I realize I am perpetuating my own mindfuck toward art/ artists being ‘special’ and ‘unique beings’ which is why I sought to be ‘one of them’ when deliberately wanting to ‘identify’ myself with artists and their lives.

 

When and as I see myself looking at a work of art with the desire to get an ‘experience’ out of it, I stop and I breathe – I realize that the reason why art is ‘art’ is because of reinforcing the emotions and feelings of people – instead I can direct myself to see how I can use art as an effective way to instigate the realization of us human beings being responsible for this world and this Earth as each one of us, which is a more tangible way of using images in the name of Self-Support as Life, and not as mere instigators of emotions and feelings as ‘human nature.’

 

When and as I see myself wanting to make a decision in my life based on the desire to oppose my family/ the world/ ‘normal people,’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is a basic mechanism that I have used throughout my life to generate conflict and separate myself from others in means of keeping me as ‘special’ and ‘unique,’ which is in fact just another egotistical way to ensure that ‘I’ remain special/ unique within the ‘artist role,’ instead I realize that all decisions I make must be considered within the outflows and consequences of the entirety of ‘who I am’ in that moment of decision, taking all into consideration wherein I ensure I am not opposing something/ someone, wanting to ‘avoid’ or wanting to create an experience within me as ‘living,’ – but instead direct me to consider the practical, physical and tangible steps to walk that decision that will be founded upon the consideration of what is best for all life, what is it really required to be and be done in order to establish LIFE in this world.

 

I realize that I had only sought to be and become this profession to indulge in my egotistical personality, my desire to be special and unique – instead of ever really considering what can I be and become in order to be an actual participant that takes on a position within reality to change the world that I judged for so long, and daring to first walk that process myself which is what I am now walking as my own correction to the decisions I made based on opposition, retaliation in my own mind to create a sense of superiority toward ‘the rest of the world,’ trying to ‘not be of this world’ by ‘being an artist’ and creating an aura of specialness around me.

 

When and as I see myself desiring to ‘not be like everyone else’ I stop and I breathe, I realize that this is the mechanism that we all accept as ‘normal’ within ourselves, but is in fact the basic platform from which inequality stems, because such statement implies: I want to be special, I want to be ‘more’ than others – hence allowing an entire system that enables such ‘specialness’ through the value given to different professions and skills that can actually be equalized for all if we stop holding anything as more or less than who we are as one and equal. Thus I see that the equalization of myself as life begins with stopping one single thought as a desire to ‘not be normal/ ordinary.’ I direct myself to stand as one and equal as the totality that we are wherein there can be no more and no less, but only self-expansion from the confinement of a mind that seeks to be ‘above others’ into the creation of a reality that I can in fact contribute to be supportive for all equally, and in that, supporting people’s expression to be artists and create themselves as the individuals that we all can be if regarding ourselves as life in Equality.

 

I realize that the reason why I considered art as some ‘unique’ and ‘special’ activity/ profession in my world, was because of the fame and aura of ‘specialness’ that artists would get, which became my actual desire to be and become an artist for such desire to be recognized and praised as some ‘great creator’ only to fuel my ego and desire for specialness, which stems from an actual inferiority and sense of ‘lacking’ such wholeness/ completion as myself as my physical being, but believing that I had to seek to be ‘more’ than myself as who and what I’ve been and am and will be until I die: my physical body here, breathing.

 

When and as I see myself believing that I can only create when I am feeling ‘emotional’ in any way – I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is the reason why I believe that ‘I do not want to create anything’ just because I have not been as ‘emotional’ as I used to, wherein I have stopped having this desire to ‘create’ because of the link I created between art creation and emotional experience. Thus I direct myself to create without thinking that I require to be emotional/ inspired to do so, which is then me creating as a moment of expression within myself that does not require to be backed by an experience, but can be directed as the moment in common sense = considering what’s best for all as a creation that is not fueled by emotions or feelings, but only externalizing the expression of myself in any given moment that I direct myself to do so.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to get positive feedback on my creations as a way to ‘know’ that I have ‘touched’ them in any way, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am trying to make of art an emotion/ feeling instigator instead of actually supporting myself and others to stop the mind and get back into the physical reality that does not require feelings or emotions to be and exist – hence I direct myself to use pictures, images, paintings in common sense to give them a new meaning based on what life is, what life can be if we all work together to actually create a world that’s best for all, wherein the only role that art can take is the creative process in itself wherein we all realize ourselves as our own creators and within that, being self responsible about such creations in order to ensure that we are in fact considering each other in every moment of creation, and stop creating as a means to elevate our egos –

 

I commit myself to stop any aura of specialness toward art, and simply accept it, see it as any other form of expression coming from a fellow human being that is valuable just for the part of this reality that it represents, without seeing it as ‘holy objects’ or ‘special objects’ in my world.

 

I commit myself to establish the Equal Money System that will ensure that dreams of fame and fortune stop being this constant fuel for the desire to be special and unique within beings, but instead become an actual point of support to ensure that all beings can learn how to express through art if they want to do so, and have no restrictions based on time, survival or any other form of belief of what is art/ what is not art – but simply using materials to create as a way to get to know ourselves through our creations, be able to reflect about reality in a self-supportive way wherein emotions and feelings are no longer in the way but we direct the work to be an actual representation of the realization of who we are as one and equals as life.

 

 

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Read the previous chapters of this exploration around art as a career choice:


The Breaking Point: how to live it & walk it.

There is a moment wherein we are faced with one decision: you take the blue pill and pretend you never heard of anything that could ever disturb your perfect little bubble OR you take the red pill and  you are virtually in for a self-directive ride wherein the only possible outcome is getting to actually LIVE for the very first time in all your lives this far.

 

The breaking point, the decision to live is made by choosing the red pill = choosing Life which first comes through doses that we take every time that we watch the Desteni material, every time that we read an article, every time that we watch and read fellow Destonians’ vlogs & blogs daring to expose the mind that’s equally existent in all of us – yes! that same mind that we had all kept away from the view of anyone and everyone, wanting only ‘us’ to be creating our magnificent little bubbles of existence apart from anyone’s awareness… lol at Desteni this is simply not possible anymore.
 
As we go walking this decision, participating in the forum becomes the most refreshing experience as we go by sharing ourselves, letting all our mind-programming out through writings which will also support fellow human beings at the perfect place to share, get perspectives from others and within that, correcting our view of ourselves and the world aligning them in common sense to realize where is it that Self Honesty exists in any given situation that we may face as human beings on this Earth – fascinating, such place hadn’t ever existed until now as the Desteni Forums.

 

Within walking this process it becomes inevitable to stop who we’ve been and become to finally start changing and standing up as who we really are, a new human being that is no longer bound to fears, judgments, prejudices or to any type of adjective that may tamper our actual expression that supports ourselves as LIFE – this new human being then begins a process of Self Realization which is not anything ‘magnificent’ as some would like to think it is or experience, yet it is magnificent from the perspective of giving ourselves a second chance to start all over again, to begin from an unknown scratch to create ourselves as these new human beings that are willing themselves to support themselves, to be living examples of how it is that the world would be a better place amongst human beings that worth themselves as life.
 
Yet this is not all nice and rosy, nope – this new stance will then clash and create frictions around the rest of our world wherein everything remains ‘the same’ = that’s the breaking point, wherein we have to make a decision to no longer being bound to the same old same old which is ‘safe’ even if we are certainly limiting or abusing ourselves within fears, prejudices and all other types of limitations that we’ve lived within those boundaries because ‘that’s all we’ve ever known’.
We had never considered that we could actually become someone different. This is then the moment where we stand for ourselves for the very first time even though the mind may scream ‘Nooo!’ and wants to ‘give up’ from facing ourselves and creates all types of justifications of why ‘the old’ is better than the actual fresh new start which is self directed and unexplored.
 
We fear the future that we haven’t created yet what we haven’t realized is that such future is being created by the same mind that is obviously wanting to remain ‘as is’ with no challenge or disturbance into its intricate perfected flawed-idea of ourselves that we’ve lived as ‘who we are’ this far.  Lol.

 

Ludicrous that we’ve actually allowed this ourselves – breathe
 
I can hardly relate to the person I’d saw in old pictures, yet it’s still me, I’m still facing myself and my past and the more I walk the more I shed and peel off the layers of that person that I once was – lol it’s quite cool to have a self-reference of ‘who we were’ through our writings, through pictures or even interactions with ‘old friends’ or family or whoever as the image that they had of us is certainly not the same as what we are now – and this is not only bound to hair and no hair, even though it is most certainly a cool an self-empowering action on a daily basis : D.

 

So to recap: the breaking point is that moment wherein we decide to finally let go of the idea/belief that we had cherished for so long as ‘who we are’, our ‘precious’ personality and ego that encompasses our fantabulous little bubble wherein we have created ourselves to be our wondrous ideal shaped and formed accordingly as a personality/ego that seeks constant confirmation of its existence by fellow mind consciousness systems yelling out ‘I’m Here!’, ‘recognize me!’, ‘acknowledge me!’, ‘I want your attention!’ – all ego based.

 

One of the points that certainly becomes a bit ‘tough’ is going through relationships as friends, family, partners and walking these changes as ourselves – some might remain – though in my case almost everyone was gone except for the family, yet what I want to share is that even though it seemed ‘hard’ at the beginning like letting go of my “friends” and my “life” I wouldn’t have changed this process at all, even the seemingly ‘tough moments’ are able to be transcended through constant application – man! It takes time yes so patience, consistency and diligence in one’s application is key here –

 

I’ll make the analogy of the shaved hair and my process: at first it took me quite some time to take the decision of ‘I’ll do it’ because it’s not one of those decisions that will give you ‘something in exchange’ or a ‘reward’ – it’s one of those self-willed actions that you take for you-yourself for the very first time as self support – yes awkward virtually very few will ‘get it’ on why you do it, irrelevant if they don’t though lol –
 
So, once the decision is made, you go through the actual process of ‘shaving your head’ which can be equated to that moment wherein you decide to support yourself, that first time you saw yourself applying Self Forgiveness, that first time that you Write Yourself to Freedom – such a cool and innocent moment wherein we are actually supporting ourselves for the very first time – same with the hair point as a symbol for Standing up for Life in Equality.
 
Then comes the actual facing of ourselves in the mirror – oh man! the shock, the initial discomfort, judgment, even hatred of what we’re looking as ‘ourselves’ – same goes when we start writing and revealing ourselves as what we’ve become – from there you know ‘there’s no going back’ I mean, once I decided to shave my head it was definitive as in ‘I will do it for life till I die or till Equality is in place in this world’ – such a stance is how I placed myself and directed myself within my process – walking through the breaking points no matter what, breath by breath- here integrating myself as the physical.

 

What’s awesome about walking as a group here is that: you’re not alone while walking through the breaking point – you got people reading, watching and supporting you in realizing how that is actually the way to ‘break free’ from our limitations as they have walked the same or similar points within their own reality – and even if at the beginning we want to sit and cry and give up, we walk through that point, we go through the process of actually accepting and embracing ourselves which is quite a point –  it took me quite a while to actually accept myself as a human being that’s not less than or more than but equal – that’s it –
 
Shedding self definitions is the most empowering thing and understand power is in each breath that we take as the ability to simply be HERE – not ‘thinking’ of ‘process’ but actually living it as ourselves.

 

That’s the actual simplicity of it and it’s been fascinating yet, I say: don’t worry if these words don’t seem to make full sense, each one gets to this point eventually wherein – taking the shaved-head analogy again – you simply stop judging yourself every time you look at yourself in the mirror and start embracing yourself as the physical human being that we are – that’s the point wherein we no  longer get our backchat as a constant self-sabotaging experience and instead we face, we expose ourselves and eventually stand with a shaved head, a clear mind and a constant stance that becomes who you are in all ways and all aspects of yourself – real characters of life –

 

This is in fact possible, we’re living it and I encourage everyone to realize that giving up is of the mind, there is no such thing as giving up life and all that we require to do is be patient with ourselves, be constant and not fearing ‘losing’ the idea of what we’ve become because it’s just that! an idea, a bubble in the head, baggage containing pictures, words, sounds, people, smells that we’ve defined as ‘ourselves’ – each definition we impose on ourselves is one single point of limitation to who we are as unconditional expression – yet it’s cool to see who we are as such definitions and go exposing it and walking them as that’s what’s cool of this process.

 

See, only the ego can be hurt and create such a heaviness about it – man! Life does not really ‘feel’ hurt or cannot ‘fear losing itself’-  lol that’s all mind survival and as such, we continue walking and breathing and facing ourselves going past the illusions and delusions that we’ve accepted as ‘who we are’.

 

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This process is the most liberating experience a human being has ever experienced on Earth and we have the ability to walk it and live it fully here and within that, being supporting others to breakthrough as well, it is quite amazing as we go expanding ourselves in Equality – the ego goes diminishing every time as we walk by, letting go of our world, bursting our bubble is actually stepping out of our jail that was only mental and never physical.

 

Once you dare to step into the seemingly ‘unknown’, you start realizing that it is the realization of who we are in simplicity as walking, breathing, shitting human beings that relate to others and have a life-time in this world – yes we know this is not currently the best way to live and that the system requires a complete reform, for that we propose the Equal Money System and we realize how it is actually important to care for this world as a whole, as ourselves because it is only then that we start seeing the greater picture and stop focusing on feeding our ‘petty little lives’ with our occupations up there in the mind.

 

Dare to walk, dare to embrace yourself as Life, dare to let go of the old to welcome the new that won’t just be another rusty program but an actual self-directive, self-willed attitude that supports Life in all ways – you’ve got to actually move this to create it, it won’t come your way – this is it.

We got his one Life – Let’s Do It!

 

http://www.desteniiprocess.com


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