Tag Archives: decisions

452. Absolutism is in the Eye of the Beholder

 

One thing I have noticed throughout my life is how I tend to and have been very absolutist or extremist. This has led me to create my own conflicts whenever I try to ‘fit’ something into a very ‘black-and-white’ mindset where I don’t consider or allow shades of gray. And what I have not realized or considered is how it is only myself as my mind that is configured/set up to work this way, in an extremist and polarized manner where there is no further embracing of the multi-dimensions or multiple aspects/sides that exist to everything and everyone that is part of life on Earth.

A sentence that made me realize this with clarity was one of Anu’s statements on the explanation of the nature of our beingness and how to understand the ‘good and evil’ nature of who we are/have become and so seeing that, yes as much as it can be ‘narrowed’ down to saying ‘good and evil’, it also depends very much on ‘the eye of the beholder.’ This bit of sentence enabled me to realize how I am the one that can decide to see things in one way or the other; I can decide to remain in a narrow focus with which to approach people, situations, information and I am the one that places these very narrow and inflexible ‘frames’ upon everything, with which I then go categorizing, filing, defining something or someone according to these very absolutist, narrow, inflexible, extremist and short-sighted ways to be honest with which I had learned to see the world thus far. Why do I do this? For the sake of creating a notion of ‘knowing’ which gives a form of ‘control’ over something/someone or reality itself, because who we are in the mind seeks this kind of ‘power’ – lol – to know, to have already ‘digested’ and so concluded to have a particular view or conclusion about someone/something in reality; yet here I will share why I’ve realized this is actually not so at all.

What does this practically mean? It has a lot to do with having an ‘either /or’ mentality, it can be morality when having to define something as either entirely ‘good’ or entirely ‘bad’ and so kind of go making this ‘final judgment’ upon things. An example, there’s a ‘selection’ of foods that I eat now, yet with those same foods throughout time I have gone through a back and forth several times in wanting to ‘cross-out’ some of them based on defining them – according to knowledge and info – as ‘bad for my health’ and then I come across some other information and then I incorporate them again and place them on the ‘good for me’ list again… what is missing here?

To begin with I am following (fall-allowing) information only, I am not being the directive principle in testing things out for myself and seeing how my body does with each food, but instead I take the knowledge, make a religion out of it where I follow it as ‘how things work’ only to then have that same ‘religion’ be debunked by ‘another religion’ I can encounter on such as an explanation of how this particular food has been demonized by ‘mainstream health care’ information and the opposite effects are to be expected with this one food… and so where do I end up? Caught up in information, mis-informing myself based on how I blindly cut down my own practical investigation and immediately start following it, jumping from eating it all the time, to not eating something at all and vice versa.

This is what happens when we are looking at reality more through the eyes of information and making quick knowledge and information assessments on ‘how things work’ and missing out the practical physical reality testing out phase; and this is not only related to ‘deciding what to eat’ but it can be also related to people where we for example tend to immediately create an experience or very rough perspective on a person we just met based on what we ‘like’ or ‘don’t like’ in a 5 minute interaction… lol I mean this in itself already should speak volumes of how Narrow-viewed we are when immediately being very quick to upon 5 minute talks decide to like or dislike someone… here there is again this ‘like’ or ‘dislike’ approach in a polarized manner where we jump into conclusions, where we don’t allow ourselves any actual consideration of ‘another being’ in their entirety, their life context, who they are in the moment, the phase/situation of their life they’re at, their day, their physical experience in that moment of interaction, other/external factors to the interaction and a plethora of other aspects that we cannot even fathom exist in that one single moment of interaction with another.

Yet in our minds, we have not programmed ourselves to consider space-time physical reality and all of the multi-dimensions of it, nope. We only live ‘up there’ in our minds that in my case I’ve noticed works in this yes-no/ like-dislike / true-false/ right-wrong/ good-bad/ type of mentality, most likely it works like that in us all considering our minds work exactly the same.

So, here using the word ‘deliberately’ again as in making a conscious, considerate, intentional and willing decision to step out of the ‘absolutist’ mindset when it comes to how we are interacting with anything or anyone in our world. I have written about ‘assuming’ many times in this blog, because it precisely involves that ‘jumping into conclusions’, immediately ‘assessing’ things in this mind of mine, cutting-corners to expand my vision and just want a ‘quick outcome’ to then decide ‘who I am’ in relation to something or someone.

Therefore the correction and solution to this absolutist mindset that I’ve been applying is that whenever I see myself jumping into conclusions and wanting to frame something within an ‘either-or’ mentality, I have to take that deliberate step to consider the multiple dimensions, multiple factors about something or someone, and most of the time I’ve found it is actually quite enjoyable to kind of ‘prove me wrong’ in terms of seeing how actually narrow minded or tunnel-visioned I was when yes, going into a backchat about a person, a situation, a moment in reality where I am too quick to make a judgment and assessment of how I ‘qualify’ something or someone, instead of taking that moment to say “ok, can’t be black-and-white anymore, I’m stepping out of the absolutist/fascist mentality where I impose my own ‘view’ upon everything and everyone” – and this is thus the practical process of actually going embracing reality in its totality, whether it is a situation or event, a person I am interacting with, something I read/learn as knowledge and information, something that ‘happens in the world’ I mean, I’ve seen time and time again how we are all too quick to ‘side’ with one or the other side – usually it’s 2 based on our ‘binary’ system in the mind of polarities really, where there’s usually no space for multiple shades of gray.

See and this is where in a way this reminder of not being ‘black and white’ but dive into the multiple shades of grays is handy, because there’s in fact a lot of them– nope, not just 50 people, lol – and that is even a visual reminder so that whenever I see myself wanting to go from one extreme to the other, to take a moment to see further, to know more about the situation, person, information I am taking on, to test it out for myself, to engage more with a person for example and get to know who and how they are beyond a 5 minute interaction for example… asking more questions to really get to know who they are within the words that they speak and the statements that they make, it’s a whole different thing than just hearing something once coming out of their mouths and ‘filling out the blanks’ in our black-and-white mindset.

And so upon doing this, it is actually very cool to go expanding ourselves in really learning to See and Get to Know others, ourselves and so the reality that we create altogether and yes! Even understanding with more clarity the problems that we create based on how quickly we jump into our absolutist mindset, wherein then I can be the one point of solution and decide to go about life with a more ‘physical’ set of eyes, instead of only going mental doing this quick assessments of yes/no, love or hate and decide ‘that’s who we ultimately are’ in relation to something/someone.

As I said above, I actually enjoy being able to prove me wrong in my ‘rushed’ assessments about something, because it enables me to precisely go bit by bit letting go of this absolutist mindset and practically seeing how to start expanding or attaching these new ways of seeing/looking at things and people or situations in a more constructive way, in a more physical and real-time way other than ‘it’s either right or wrong’ type of thing.

It’s funny as well because throughout my life I actually disliked that people would only make a quick assessment on me based on certain ‘qualities’ that would be known by most, and yearned to be ‘truly known’ by another in a holistic manner, beyond what I was and represented as in my social environments or how people would usually ‘tag me’ as… and now I see that I had been reducing things/people/situations to that level of ‘either/or’ myself  for the most part, which proves the point of how we tend to project onto Others that which we haven’t yet done/been/lived for ourselves.

So, this is also a form of righteousness to let go of, where we usually believe that ‘others are the problem’ instead of being able to sit back and look within ourselves to see that we haven’t precisely yet given to ourselves or lived for ourselves that which we are commanding, yearning, asking others to be for us or do onto ourselves. So in a way here practicing the “give to myself first and be for myself that which I would like others to be and do onto myself as well”. It gives me first that step of responsibility to myself so that I can then stand as the expression of consideration, of expansion and embracing something someone in its multiple-qualities, factors and dimensions that we all are.

This has also been then a new starting point when meeting anyone and having even ‘one time only’ conversations where I genuinely enjoy getting to know them and kind of understand who they are, why they are what they are and even in a limited-time frame possibility also push myself to not make a quick ‘conclusion’ as to how I ‘frame’ the person, but learn to see another in their multiple-dimensions and facets and uniqueness that all of us are as human beings, and so not to jump into ‘defining’ another, but rather seeing them for that they shared/presented to me in that one moment, and that’s been very cool to do as well.

So now I have to also learn to do this with information as well, to not seek to quickly ‘figure things out’ or be driven to understand something ‘to the T’ to then decide ‘who I am’ or ‘how I relate’ to something or someone or in relation to a piece of information, but instead always integrate this consideration of the multiple shades of gray, the multiple dimensions or aspects that exist to something or someone, and that way I can go slowly but surely ‘dissolving’ or letting go of my own ‘caged’ mindset of polarities and extremes, and instead continue to learn how to embrace reality in its multiplicity, which is in fact another way of letting of of judging in general, stand down from our ‘personal court’ and ‘drop the case’ and ‘drop the charges’ lol. It is a decision for me to let go of the desire to control, to ultimately know, to tag, to define, to categorize…. and so embrace things as they are.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

 

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390. Making Decisions Based on Feelings, Not Facts

 

Continuing from:

Quote from “The Love/Hate Relationship with Art” entry: The point is I tried to make My definition of Art fit with what would enable me to use it to demonstrate that it is possible to change the world. However I realized that no matter how many images I make, how many pictures I take, how many great ideas I would have I was entirely mostly having an imaginative outflow of how this could operate without ever really landing it into any serious/real project. I always kept everything at a low-fi level because right after the first year in Art school, I discovered Desteni and my interests veered dramatically – hence the ‘shutting down’ of any pursue to further my career to make a name of myself etc..

 

Patterns:

1. The idea of Art as an instrument to “Change the World.” Suiting something according to my interests, to justify my ends in order to cover up another self-definition I am wanting to hold on to – in this case wanting to make the definition of art suit my current interests so that I’m able to say that ‘I’m still doing a form of art, even if it’s not conventional,’ without realizing that it’s merely a definition in itself and that as such, I have to stop making this definition suit my interest around art, and merely see the actions/deeds for what they are and imply.

2. Expecting something to ‘happen to me’, someone to ‘save me,’ someone to ‘find me’ instead of me moving myself in order to make things happen, to become my own directive principle instead of hoping, waiting or fantasizing about the things that can happen ‘in the future.’

3. The idea that something outside of myself can ‘change the world’ in itself, in this case that I could ‘change the world’ through creating art, or that art should be used to demonstrate that we can change the world, when in fact this is once again delegating to something/someone the ability to change, without realizing that there can be many catalysts for change, practical presentations for it – but it will only ever work if we implement it, integrate it, live it and become it ourselves and by ‘change’ I mean becoming an individual that takes responsibility for our creation, that learn how to coexist with everyone else as equals and as such participates to create a world where everyone is supported to live in dignity. Where does that begin? Within self only. A system, a structure can support and promote the change, but it is about each one of us integrating such change within ourselves to make it real. Therefore ‘art’ in itself cannot change the world, only we can one by one.

4. Giving up on something based on seeing ‘no result’ in a short period of time, without taking into consideration that everything in this world and reality requires actual work, time, dedication, constancy and consistency as well as patience to have something be developed in order to give fruition. So giving up on something/someone based on not getting any ‘quick results’ is rather a mechanism of self-sabotage where I am expecting things to work ‘instantaneously’ instead of considering a plan, a structure, the practical steps and timeframes, methods and ways to make something function/work to give the expected results. This means: no wishful thinking.

5. Blaming something/someone for sidetracking from my initial purposes, I have realized how we usually blame something/someone in order to not recognize our sole responsibility to our decisions, words, thoughts and deeds.

6. Making decisions in my life based on emotions and feelings, wishful thinking, desires and fantasies –  mostly going for what ‘feels good’ and avoiding what according to my ego/personalities felt ‘not right’/ ‘not good’ – instead of considering the actual physical space-time planning, structure, steps, time and consequences of the decisions

 

Nada -05

 

 

Self Forgiveness on these patterns:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shape a definition of ‘art’ that would suit my personal interests of wanting it to be the ‘tool to change the world’ without realizing that in this equation I was separating myself from such change and only considering that ‘art’ had to be that ‘for me,’ and because I didn’t see results this way in the short-run then I gave it up completely, without realizing that this is a usual pattern wherein I expect things to ‘do something for me’ instead of me being the directive principle within everything that I do – as such it makes sense that a single image, or drawing or video or else can do the ‘change’ process in itself, and as such it is only a tool that can support with the realization and recognition of change that I have to still conduct, apply, live within myself as everyone else as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to this definition of art as the quote by Ernst Fischer that also later on I had a ‘fuck it they’ve done it all first’ moment when seeing that in the beginning of the Zeitgeist movie they used this quote that I was cherishing as ‘the foundation’ for my ‘art project’ in itself which is the quote from his book ‘The Necessity of Art’

“In a decaying society, art, if it is truthful, must also reflect decay. And unless it wants to break faith with its social function, art must show the world as changeable. And help to change it”

And with this, believe that I had to always s stick to these definitions, quotes and theories to justify what I wanted to do with my life as an ‘agent of social change’ and still ‘stick’ to my career, just because of the fear of being seen as a ‘dropout’ or someone that didn’t follow-through with art-creation, which is all based on the beliefs and expectations that I believed people had created upon me, because the career is definitely one that I chose for social-recognition upon something that I considered I was ‘special’ within – therefore the whole conflict of having to justify what I do within an artistic context, without realizing that if we look at it beyond definitions, the process of change and being the example of what it means to change is what I am doing and what I’ve decided to do with my life in function of creating a better world, to establish living principles of creation where there exist barely non at the moment, and as such once again using ‘artistic creations’ and creativity as tools with which to do this, without forgetting that I do not require to justify what I do within an artistic concept for the sake of ‘sticking to my career-choice’ as an idea of ‘who I am.’

I realize that instead I can share how I can apply these principles to what I do/ who I am and the practical ways in which I’ve realized we can conduct this change in our decaying society – whoever I commit myself to no longer wanting to justify what I do within this imperative need to make of my life and my decisions as ‘still’ artistic or part of my career choice, as that single theoretical link that I’m attempting to create is what re-enacts the relationship conflict in relation to me and the studies I took on, without realizing that what really matters is not a tag, a name, a definition but how these principles are lived and applied in real-practical living.

Another pattern is ‘giving up’ on something if it doesn’t satisfy my expectations and not putting it all the effort to make it work, because in the mind I always expect quantum results and having immediate effect of my expectations in this case and example, the entire intent behind everything that I would do as an ‘artistic creation/ project’ was to ‘fit in’ my own desires to make my inner process ‘artistic’ as well, and it can be done and for sure it’s even compatible – though the point here is to point out how within this starting point, I was once wanting the ‘artwork’ to do its effect by itself, and kind of hoping that someone would just ‘notice it’ and make me famous type of ideals, which is really unrealistic because nothing in physical reality really works that way

And within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imprint a form of hope and ‘waiting’ with myself and my career, my ‘art’ because I was kind of expecting that someone would knock on my door and discover my creations and make me famous type of ideal and unreality. And this is what I see I had built also around my own ‘career choice,’ wherein I had not defined a plan for my future in fact, but just kind of getting myself into the art world and having something/someone come to me or happen to me that would ‘lead me’ to become successful at it, so there was a lot of wishful thinking, positive thinking involved in wanting this to materialize ‘by itself,’ kind of only having ‘the work do its work,’ which is certainly not how reality works and as such

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to give up on my creative skills because of not seeing ‘any results,’ which is the pattern of giving up on something if not getting the expected results right away in turn, which is what happens when I do not consider the actual effort, the actual process of making something work, something be successful, any enterprise that I embark myself on and not expect it to be ‘successful’ right away, but rather work within the accumulation principle wherein the amount of time, work and effort invested onto a business/ an enterprise or anything that I have committed myself to do, is not going to be ‘minimal’ or ‘very little’ as in this reality everything takes time, effort, patience, constancy, consistency, developing further skills, developing further relationships and all of this implies that what I attempted to do with my life and my wishful thinking about my artistic career was not founded upon physical, practical planning and considerations but that I absolutely just ‘jumped into the boat’ because it sounded great and it satisfied my intentions back then when I made the decision to study art – so within this,

I realize that when we make decisions based on emotions/feelings and dreams, it will most likely be crashing down on the pavement back to reality because it was all a temporary foam that I created in my mind as ‘my future,’ without any real consideration of the work, the time, the money, the people, the places, the relationships, the materials, the skills or anything of that, but only wanting to kind of have something/someone ‘make me famous’ or ‘make me successful,’ which is no different to how we as human beings tend to be hoping and waiting that something/someone will come to save us, just because we haven’t yet realized or learned that we can only make things happen if we move within it, if we invest the time, money, effort, patience, consistency that goes with making any plan, any enterprise work.

Further support for business and non-business people on this point: Time = Money – The Soul of Money

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my mind covertly ‘blame process’ for me not having followed through with my career, without realizing that such ‘blame’ is in fact looking at the actual regret and realizing the nature of the decisions I made in my life, wherein instead of taking absolute responsibility for my life and realizing the lack of practical planning and decision making processes that I had to make, I instead realized the flimsy planning – if any – I had created for me and my life and as such only finished school for the sake of ‘finishing it’ but my ‘heart’ as they say was not into it any longer, because I realized the expectations, dreams and ideals that I entered to school with, which all came ‘tumbling down’ when realizing the reality that I had missed in my decisions – therefore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spite myself in this extreme of going from the absolute experience of being ‘into my career’ and giving it the most to giving it the minimum required based on the realization of my intentions behind studying art, and here instead of just forgiving myself for that and being able to walk through it without reactions, I slowly but surely built a certain experience of overall ‘regret’ about it which is how the love-hate relationship was formed. It all happened in my mind based on the positive experience I had imprinted to the idea of studying art/becoming an artist and how when realizing such positive-feelings and imaginations and hoping and dreaming about what I could do in art, I went into the polarity opposite of deeming it as something negative/bad/superficial instead of just realizing what I had done, take self responsibility for it which in a way I did in relation to finishing studies, but within myself as well wherein I am able to stand sound with understanding the context of my past decisions, walk through the consequence without imprinting ‘the consequence’ with negative experiences, as that is where the whole inner conflict was created – and yes, it is quite unnecessary when it is just a matter of walking physical moments, experiences, processes that require my participation and direction and that’s it.

I realize that what’s done is done and as such the only gift I can give to myself is being able to prevent me from once again making decisions in my life based on ‘how I feel’ about something or someone, and instead learn from the ‘mistakes’ so to speak in order to learn how to take into consideration physical reality, practical planning, realistic considerations and of course in such ‘career decision’ processes, look at the practicality of where I can employ myself and genuinely develop a financial stability with it, because I of course now realize that I could have done it differently if my decision was to remain doing artwork, it was about investing a lot of time to it, which is what I had initially planned to do – but of course, after realizing the actual practical process required in this world, my ‘decision making’ process was almost immediate when choosing to dedicate myself to walk this process that in turn I can apply into and within any other realm that I see is most practical to assist and support others to walk the same process.

I realize here that art once again can be a tool of support for this process that I’ve decided to walk – however I could not realistically see myself investing most of my time in developing certain skills that I knew I wasn’t going to be using any longer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like a ‘fraud’ to the teachers and the people that supported me throughout my stance in art school and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed toward them because of believing that they invested their time ‘incorrectly’ and even the ‘spot’ I had in such important school could have been used by another person that genuinely wanted to be an artist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to take me to see ‘the bright side’ as in ‘not everything is lost because I learned a lot from some of the books, teachers and interactions in school as well as the skills,’ which in part it is so, but here it is not to once again want to ‘white wash it’ and get a positive experience out of it –here I then see things for what they are, realizing that yes I probably won’t be making etchings and using all of those techniques I learned, however if my starting point of that is ‘wasting my time’ or ‘someone else’s time,’ then I also forgive myself as that comes within the idea that I took something from someone by attending that school, without realizing that I did want to be there, I did want to learn that and as such, because we cannot turn back time I simply walked through the whole educational process till the end and that’s it. I took responsibility for my choice and now I also take responsibility for my life wherein I recognize other ways in which I can direct myself to support myself and others within this process which is my purpose in life and ‘my life’ in itself, and as such whether what I do is deemed as artistic or creative or not, is not something that matters, as this is not about definitions or how actions and words are categorized, but instead how they are lived and applied.

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to step into a career with the sole purpose and idea of ‘making a name’ for myself, to further my recognition ambitions for doing something that people would consider ‘great’ without realizing that in this, I was only spiting myself because I am the one that had to face the consequences of not properly planning my decisions in life, to make sound/physical and practical decisions and not just go for how ‘good’ it made feel and how ‘nice’ my imaginations were in relation to day-dreaming of being an artist and being famous, being recognized and having the ‘time of my life’ within the context of having money, be able to ‘change the world’ – according to my dreams – and at the same time be happy and feel ‘blessed’ as that is the kind of spiritual attitude I was into when I got into art school, quite imbued with spirituality and positive thinking which is why I also allowed myself to want to ‘attract’ success and not consider physical-doings like practical planning, assessing my skills and aptitudes etc. but only choose a career based on my ‘feeling’ of ‘being special/unique’ and having this apparent ‘gift’ to create something, without realizing that we are all capable of creating something and that me taking a decision within this delusion was most likely prone to generate consequences that I am walking through as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make decisions in my life in terms of choices, people, places, careers, what ‘I like’ or what makes me ‘feel special’ and what I accept in my life based on experience, based on what ‘felt good’ what felt ‘right’ according to my personalities, and veer off from that which didn’t satisfy my ego, my desire to be doing something ‘more creative’ based on how I defined ‘creativity’ on plastic arts mostly, which as I’ve walked is rather limiting if we only recognized our ability to create based on making ‘art works.’

Therefore, I realize that in my life I made many decisions based on feeling, on the experience, on the beliefs, on the expectations, on the dream-like state that I would usually fuel myself with in order to actually evade looking at the reality that I had considered was ‘too awful’ to face and to walk thoroughly as any other individual. Meaning that my decision to be ‘an artist’ was precisely to be ‘eccentric’ and to be ‘acceptable’ within such eccentricity meaning outside of the regular circles of society because of having a judgment toward ‘the system’ and ‘society’ as a whole based on seeing how politics, education systems, money works and the lack thereof, which is why upon facing this ‘insanity’ I kind of decided to make myself ‘insane’ as well as the ‘good reflection of society’ that I was planning to be and become, and so be able to ‘create’ from such image and likeness of the system. Hence the nature of self-destruction portrayed in what I created, even if I was not able to say ‘why’ I only see death and destruction mostly, sadness, depression and overall madness, which was just me trying to become that and do that to myself and the world to not face the responsibility to it, as it’s easier to ‘destroy’ than deconstruct, reconstruct and create something new and stable again.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize or ‘remember’ that my ‘initial intent’ of what I wanted to be and become in my life was in the very beginning before art was ‘in my life,’ to study a career that would make me have a lot of money and be able to ‘travel around the world’ – the usual ‘dreams’ that came with me initially wanting to become a financial advisor wherein I could use my ‘skills’ in a profitable manner. I also recognize that studying art was my way of apparently ‘spiting my parents/others’ that believed that I was going to study some ‘great and complicated career’ based on the supposed intelligence I had, wherein I realized that the only way to ‘turn the tables’ and not follow the pattern, was to study something wherein what I do wasn’t able to be graded with A’s for ‘being right’ but where I could challenge other skills and abilities that to my perception were not able to get ‘ratings,’ without realizing later on that they would still be rated in the same manner any other school work gets rated, which got me irate and furious the very first time that I considered I had placed ‘all my effort’ into something, for months on, working even in my supposed ‘leisure time’ with the attempt to get an A and I got a B and that was ‘heartbreaking’ for me because I was expecting my work to be recognized as ‘good.’ In this I realize that even if I wanted to supposedly ‘escape’ the grading system and the apparent skills I had by ‘studying art,’ I later on realized that art and the art world is no different to any other part of this system that we live in, wherein it is not this wonderland where system-laws don’t apply – and that is how I was able to also burst my own bubble of escapism when realizing that art was no different to any other part of this reality that is managed by ourselves, individuals and that it doesn’t really imply something entirely ‘different’ to any other career because it is still existent within the context of a world system where what you do is assessed and valued in order to be sold as a product so that one can have money to eat. And that makes it no different to any other career or profession – so even within this, I realized that there was no really a way ‘out’ of the system, which then became another reason to be disillusioned at ‘the art world,’ without realizing that any ‘disillusionment’ is really created based on the initial positive ideals that I had formed around it, which means: I did this all to myself and as such, it is not a ‘guilt trip’ now, as that would evade me from walking now the self-responsibility to my decisions and my life in itself and the decision making processes that I will now consider in practical and physical terms, not based on feelings/emotions and ideals.

 

Rumbos Inciertos 06

 

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351. The Problem of Human Nature and Equal Money

 

Human Nature  is the actual source of the problem in this world – by this we refer to the traits that exist as self interest in our minds with which we separate ourselves from the physical common sense of Equality as Life. It is about time we understand that it is not only the Environment that is the problem that shapes Human Behavior, but instead realize how we have created such environment as the image and likeness of our mind.

Continuing:

 

 

Problem                                                                

“Human nature refers to the distinguishing characteristics, including ways of thinking, feeling and acting, that humans tend to have naturally, i.e. independently of the influence of culture. The questions of what these characteristics are, what causes them, and how fixed human nature is, are amongst the oldest and most important questions in western philosophy. These questions have particularly important implications in ethics, politics, and theology. This is partly because human nature can be regarded as both a source of norms of conduct or ways of life, as well as presenting obstacles or constraints on living a good life. The complex implications of such questions are also dealt with in art and literature, while the multiple branches of the Humanities together form an important domain of inquiry into human nature, and the question of what it means to be human.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Human_nature

 

  • Human Nature is the most common excuse that we as humans use in order to justify that it is impossible to change the world, because ‘human nature’ is just ‘who we are/ how we are/ what we do and how we will always continue to be’ this has become the perfect way to keep people at bay and not attempt to question and change their own lives, and the lives of others because, once this human nature premise is accepted as an irreparable conduct, any solution to the problems of this world will only be sought outside of ourselves, keeping this inherent ‘nature’ intact and unquestioned, because ‘that which makes us human’ such as emotions, feelings and a strong sense of self-importance above others is ‘who we are and have always been.’  All that is recognized is that we have always been greedy, envious, selfish, egotistical beings that are always seeking to better ourselves upon others, always competing, having no sense of social responsibility,  always hungry for power and wealth to have control over others without realizing it is all done in the name of fear; this sociopathic behavior has been accepted as who we ‘are’ by default and it’s often believed to only be the consequence of the environment, but it isn’t.

 

  • It is only now that we are able to understand the mind that we realize how it is that we have created the environment as a result of all of these human traits that are the origin of the nature of our societies and power structures alike. We believe it is only the nature of some ‘vile’ individuals  that have set up this massive prison, but it is not true, we built it ourselves through our own Accepted and Allowed nature with no intention to question it or change it. Instead we glorified it through our mutual acceptance of the excuse ‘But I am only human’ and ‘In the end I am human and make mistakes/ become emotional’ and even got to praise these mind experiences through  artistic demonstrations wherein all the human is able to create from the starting point of being an individual with an eternal inner conflict between emotions, feelings and the real world. This became part of the universal traits that we  only learned we had to learn how to ‘cope with.’ It is within such belief and acceptance that we have created our absolute enslavement by our own mind and hands.
    • To Understand the nature of the Mind, it is important to study the Desteni Material, an investigation for over 7  years about the actual systematic nature of the mind that has been unknown to ourselves until now. You can visit the Desteni Articles to begin reading part of this continuous investigation.

 

  • Human Nature  can’t be changed” –  this is  a mind definition with no awareness of who we are as the mind, who we are as a physical body, our beingness and our relationship with this physical existence throughout time;  we have always accepted and allowed ourselves to say ‘it is how it always has been’ and in that prevent anyone from actually beginning to question that which we have always taken for granted, which is our ability to think, to become emotional, to create value systems and create relationships based on individual self interest.  We can look at how even the ability to question these ‘traits’ is already seen as something that is threatening to our nature, to ‘that which makes us humans’ which means that we have reduced ourselves to only be emotional and feeling energetic systems that act in self interest with no regard to the physical laws that govern our reality and our own physical stability. It is certain that if in our minds we regarded ourselves as physical beings that have the same attributes as everyone else – such as a physical body requiring food, water, shelter, clothing, etc. – the ability to understand Equality would be greater, however this is not so and this explains to what extent we are literally brainwashed ourselves to not recognize that all points of ‘individuality’ as preferences, characters, emotional traits are only but mind configurations that generate the first obstacle to recognize each other as Equals in the physical common sensical meaning of the word. We could create an entire treaty on human nature, but for that I suggest reading the blogs as well as the Desteni Material to understand more about who we are as the Mind, our Nature and how to reflect ourselves upon the words contained in these websites:

 

  • The fact is that there are very few aspects about the nature of the mind generally known by humanity at this stage with regards to our creation and origin, our purpose in this reality. Even psychology as the science that is supposed to study the nature of the mind and behavior of the human being is only existing as a coping mechanism to deal with  ‘human nature’ or simply redirect the usual human traits mentioned earlier, but there has never been an actual re-educational process at an individual level to prove that through getting to know ourselves as our mind as the ability to recognize all the patterns that have led us to the current consequences we’re facing in our world and reality, and establishing a Principle to live by in common sense as what is Best for All we can become a human being that stops existing in the same full acceptance to our mind as ‘who we are’ and start living as an individual that begins to understand how we can only ensure our personal well being if we ensure each other’s well being in Equality.

 

  • We have become the victims of our own beliefs and experiences in this reality – we created gods or systems to take care of ourselves, delegating any responsibility to never realize that it was in fact us that created the very prison we now complain about; this prison exists at a Mind Level which we eventually externalized as the nature of our world system and environment. We can have to look at how the inequality existent in this world is the result of every single inferiority and superiority belief or complex that we believe is ‘real’ and ‘who we are’ and what we have a ‘right to live by,’ which are nothing but accepted and allowed beliefs, ideas and perceptions we have of ourselves in relation to other human beings; for example, we can look at  how we envy others fortune, good looks or personalities and then think that such inner experience and opinion upon others has no effect on the ‘outside world’ – well, it obviously does and every single thought, action/ inaction and spoken or kept quiet word has an effect on everything and everyone in our reality, because we are all coexisting in the same physical reality where every single relationship we form toward another reflects on the mechanisms that run our lives in the ‘greater picture’ as our world system. This means that the environment, the systems, the agreements, the unspoken rules with which we direct ourselves are directly stemming from these accepted and allowed self beliefs on multiple levels that have gotten ourselves to exist the way we do now where we are fearing each other in a constant manner, we are fighting and competing to every other individual that we conceive as an enemy of sorts in this world and reality that we have turned into a battle field where life has been reduced to a winning or losing situation.

 

 

  • The problem is self evident every time that we study the laws, policies, constitutions and ‘behavioral codes’ existent in every organization, institution and system that defines how we live our lives where No life is actually considered, but only interests are kept safe from other only those that have the most money have the ability to protect themselves, and for the most part they are used to make money when it is convenient to allege that there is some form of infringement happening so that these individual interests above the rest are always the ones that are considered first – this means there is no common sense or any sense of honoring life in our legal and political systems, because we have created the world system in such a way that our interests are ‘mutually exclusive’ which makes Equality impossible when pondering self interest over common sense.

 

  • When a new living system where we can all live as Equals is presented and proposed, the usual comments point out that ‘we as humans will always want more than others’ and how ‘there will always be someone that wants to take control of the situation’ and this is why we have created world systems that enable this abuse. Is this preventable? Yes it is, and this is part of the primary premises that must be considered when looking at a process to Change the World in a practical and viable manner. At the moment none of these considerations exist because we have disregarded to look at the root and cause of the ‘problem in the system’ which is within each one of us, in our mind, in our own behavior and preferences that override common sense – this is what creates the environment as a reflection of this nature wherein only individual interests are cared for, and any regard to consider everyone as Equals is seen as a threat to this individuality that is protected and guarded mostly with money at the moment. This means that we in fact fear having ‘the same as everyone else’ because of our belief that it is okay for us to want more than what we have, and aspire to have control over others for our own benefit. The current individual interests that we exist as are founded upon abuse, because every time that only the interests of a few are guarded we must know that the majority will be disregarded and abused to create such well being for only a few, which is what has happened throughout history.

 

  • We cannot just blame the environment and victimize ourselves for the nature of the people that govern us.  They are equal to us and everyone else that has accepted the mind-experience of thinking, desiring and experiencing belief systems to be real which is how the power that we have agreed to endow to them is legitimized through our own acceptance and allowance of this nature as ‘normal’ to human beings. This resides as the acceptance of ‘who we are’ and how we have understood each other to be throughout generations where we never questioned why some individuals had more money/power/influence over the population than others and how we shaped the system in itself to adopt these type of facts as ‘true,’ which became the very laws that currently conduct our lives.

 

 

To be continued with Solutions and Rewards in the following post… 

 

 

 

 

 

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Hear:

 

Vlogs:


137. Who am I within Choosing?

 

Fear: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘want to have it all’ while facing a point of decision between two or more options wherein the fear that emerges is ‘missing out on something’ by choosing one point or the other, instead of realizing that a want, need and desire exist as a mind point that can in fact be grounded and ‘landed’ to transform it into a physical practical and self-aware decision to be, do and live from the starting point of what’s best for all.

 

When and as I see myself fearing losing ‘the other one’ point as ‘option’ that I believed and perceived myself to have, I stop and I breathe – I realize that such point of possession to create a sense of ‘winning’ one and ‘losing’ the other only exists depending on the point of preference that I have created in my mind. Thus it is to instead change the starting point of who I am within having to ‘choose’ and instead of ‘choosing,’ simply turning the point into an informed decision that I can stand by for eternity.

 

I realize that the perceived loss is not real as it only exists within my mind, therefore it is to precisely walk the realization that I cannot fear losing something/someone that I cannot ‘own,’ thus it is to simply stop recreating the relationship in my own mind that holds no physical foundation other than thoughts, feelings and emotions when going into a conflict due to ‘fearing’ losing that other choice that only exists at a mind level. Instead I asses the points within the physical reality and stopping judging one or the other as ‘superior’ and ‘inferior’ as that’s only mind-assessing a point, instead of looking at it physically

 

I commit myself to realize that whenever I have ‘two choices’ and see myself wanting to ‘have it all’ as a point of mind possession to end up ‘winning,’ to see and realize that a point of choice can exist within the consideration of its viability and how plausible it is in this physical reality – as it is also a point to assess within practical terms instead of only viewing it as a point of preference as a ‘choice’ of a positive or a negative outcome, as that limits the point and reduces both options to simple inferior/ superior points as defined within the relationship we have formed with them in our mind, instead of walking it physically.

I see and realize that the first and primary point is walking my self equality and oneness wherein I cannot be defined by having/ not having/ holding one relationship to something/ someone, but instead are physically directed as points of support that I can align myself to without generating a desire and fear about it, but simply making decisions that are based on what is best for myself as all – and that’s the only valid point to take into consideration when making a decision. 

 

 

Thought:I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of a point of leaving something/ someone behind/ missing out on something/someone which is placing a point of value/worth in separation of myself, missing out the actuality as the realization of who we are as one and equal wherein there can exist no loss nor gain in any way whatsoever.

when and as I see myself creating a point of conflict because of not wanting to ‘leave’ something/ someone behind in means of opting for the choice/ point that is in fact best for all, I stop and I breathe. I realize that there is no point of gain or loss within making an informed decision that is best for all, as all that I am is in fact here as one and equal and that what I decide to be/ become and support myself with, can stand within such equal and one consideration as I am the one that decides the starting point of  myself within what’s best for all.

In this I can ensure that I in fact assist and support myself within my process, creating a point of actual self-support wherein I do not define ‘who I am’ based on the options/ points that I decide to walk with/ support myself with or dismiss, but instead become actual living-physical decisions of what can work and what cannot work, and in this the mind’s experience is not relevant as a decisive factor to ‘what I choose’  as this ‘choice’ can only exist within the principle of what is best for all in fact –

 

I commit myself to see realize and understand that a decision made within the consideration of what is best for, all cannot have a point of ‘lack’ in itself, it is to then see the ‘lack’ and sense of ‘dismissing’ as mind-created experiences in order to keep myself within a point of conflict that cannot exist and do not have to exist if there is clarity and certainty within the decisions made within the principle of what’s best for all – thus I realize that any dubitative mode around something, must be looked at what I fear ‘losing,’ then realizing that point of loss as an actual illusion created only in my mind as I cannot in fact ‘own’ something/ someone – it is only a decision to walk in this or that direction within the consideration of what is in fact best for all.

 

 

Imagination: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a point of ultimate satisfaction as physical exploration wherein I can get ‘what I want ‘and within that, satisfy only a desire in my mind that in fact indicates a point that I have separated myself from – in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself through relationships to options/ choices that generate a point of conflict wherein I am the one that has created the conflict when not considering the point in practicality, but instead approach it at the level of desire/ want and need.

 

 

When and as I see myself imagining a point of happiness in relation to ‘having it all/ being able to keep the best of both worlds,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that when walking the points of separation toward one or the other points/ choices, I am in fact able to see what remains as a practical and physical solution, wherein there is no longer a ‘make believe’ reality of ‘what can be’ as hope in my mind, but instead consider the physical practicality of such decisions and how it can in fact work in a long term basis as a living-decision in my life, wherein I ensure that everything and everyone involved, are equally supported within such decision.

 

 

I commit myself to walk the realization of how any belief that I had wherein I can always ‘end up winning’ in my world and that everything always ‘turns to my favor’  is a lie – Instead I can practically decide to align any point in my world to a best for all decision wherein I no longer stand as a a relationship to such point of choice/ option but instead, integrate it as part of the decisions that are based on practical terms, instead of playing a Hollywood movie in my mind, fueling mind desires that are not required at all when the point at hand implies Real living decisions.

 

 

Backchat: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold the backchat ‘but I want to have all options’ as an indication that any point that is sought to be possessed/ owned is in fact that which I have separated myself from, creating an energetic relationship in my mind of want, need and desire  – thus

 

When and as I see myself thinking ‘But I want it all/ I want to have all options’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that the BUT is already indicating a point of condition and restriction wherein I only Seek that which will give me an ensured point of ‘satisfaction’ in my mind, wherein the physical reality is not being considered. Thus it is to walk within the realization that the choices we make in our lives will determine the who we decide to be in our reality – and in that, only a principle of what’s best for al is what stands the test of time.

 

I commit myself to stop myself from holding two or more points in my mind as options that I Want and Desire to have/ own for my personal benefit, as it is within these points of desire as the mind that I create unnecessary conflict that I can see and realize are not necessary if I equalize such points to viable and practical solutions wherein I consider what it is that I am in fact willing to be and participate in throughout my life and in my world. 

Physical: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a point of physical strain in my body due to existing as a diatribe in my mind based on seeking to fulfill points that I have separated myself from as desires and finding no way to ‘materialize’ them, as I see and realize that I can instead walk within/ through self forgiveness each relationship formed  to ensure that I am in fact considering the physical reality that is Here as all and everything in which I can decide what I will be/ live and become within opting for one point or another as the decision we make in our lives that will define who we are and will be.

 

When and as I see myself creating a point of strain at a physical level upon existing in a certain conflict, I stop and I breathe – I realize that a point of conflict that exists within myself as my mind is not taking the points to a physical and practical reality, but only fueling a point of conflict through thinking, backchat and internal conversations. Thus

 

I commit myself to breathe whenever I see myself wanting to ‘shove away’ thoughts that I consider as ‘not relevant’ and instead walk them through writing, applying self forgiveness to see what it is that I am in fact existing as in every moment and within this, ensure that I do get to know myself as my mind, as this is not about anything or anyone else but myself in such moment as the relationship that I have with myself as my mind. Then, once the point is walked writing, the practical considerations must be given direction to.

Consequence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not exist here as an absolute clarity of who and what I am and what I am willing to be and become based on the decisions I made – thus

 

When and as I see myself existing as an experience of inner conflict that manifests at a physical level, it is to investigate my own thoughts, my own immediate backchat, reactions and experiences so that instead of ‘shoving them aside,’ I can support myself to in  fact walk them within and through Self Forgiveness to then see and assess what are the points I am separating myself from as a desire, and instead, direct myself to consider the physical practicality of our living decision.

I realize that all decisions stand from and within the consideration of self-equality and oneness, wherein whatever I choose or not chose does not change ‘who I am,’ as such decision will be based within the consideration of who and what I am as one and equal to the points that I decide to align myself to.

 

I commit myself to live the realization that any decision I made stands as part of the self-agreement that I decide to give to myself as the realization that that which I will decide to live and stand by, will be the expression of myself as one and equal in its entirety – thus, it is to instead walk a practical physical living-projection to see what is viable, what is plausible and what  are the potential outcomes when opting for certain decisions in our lives.

I realize that the Who I Am within ‘Wanting to Have it All’ is in fact a mind that seeks to satisfy itself with positive experiences and call that ‘a life/ living’ and ‘fulfillment.’ We are already here, and any point we decide to live with and by, stands as a 1+1 addition, wherein one cannot be less or more than one plus one.

 

This is the point wherein Self-Honesty stands as the guiding point wherein all the perceived choices can be actually be taken and considered within the starting point of what is best for all and in that, there is no way I can fool myself, as it is plain to see that any point approached from the starting point of energy, will fall. Thus I direct myself to make decision, direct myself always within the consideration of the physical reality and what I am here to equalize myself to and as within the consideration of what is best for all.

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that Any Choice that Cause Harm to another Life Form, is NOT FREE.

I commit myself to SHOW that FREE Choice is to Be FREE to NOT ABUSE Life.” – Bernard Poolman*

Desteni

Desteni I Process

Equal Money System 

 

 

Blogs:

*Day 137: FREE Choice and True Activism

The Mind System’s Conscious-Mind Structural Resonance – Part 1 (Self-Forgiveness): DAY 137

 

Absolutely Supportive Interviews to get to know ourselves as choices, decisions and preferences as the mind:


82. “WTF was I Thinking?”

Facing the consequences of our decisions and the ‘I have to do this’ character

When a point that is realized as not having been the ‘best option possible’ and we decide to walk it into completion, if the decision is not entirely walked here as self, as breathe, a new character forms from: the ‘I have to do this’ character where it all becomes a burden, a haunting time-loop that one is aware one is walking – hence any ‘realizations’ stemming from walking the consequences are still standing within the ‘I have to do this’ character, wherein the moment that blame, guilt, remorse, victimization and judgments exist, we know that we are still playing out the character of ‘having to face the consequences’ as a duty, as a resistance and not as a self-directive decision at all times.

Here I walk one point that I experienced in the last weeks of school while overhearing a conversation of fellow colleagues about having an art degree and the ‘pointlessness’ of it within the job world.

 

Pattern: ‘I have to do this’ character as a decision walked in apparent self-direction – yet still allowing judgments toward the consequences faced.

Stepping out of competition when believing myself to be ‘inferior’ to others that did ‘well’ in the characterization process.

 

Self-Forgiveness

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that Who I am as Life is Who I am and Does Not require Memory as It is Who I Am.” – Bernard Poolman*

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear the moment I overheard people talking about being out of school already and finding no jobs, which is me participating as ‘fear’ and not here as breath. I realize that reacting to information as fear creates a limitation wherein I make such judgment real in my mind in order to use it as an excuse to give up before even having started.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is pointless having studied art because no one will ever place an ad on the paper requesting ‘an artist’ – which is how I maintained myself within guilt and judgment toward my career, instead of simply stopping and realizing that self-direction cannot be determined by the options offered – I must direct myself toward it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into further fear when overhearing people saying ‘the situation is quite fucked up’ – wherein I have allowed myself to go into self-deprecation and depression whenever there is a money-lack in my reality.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become so depressed when I was a little girl and we had extreme financial problems at home, and I would get petrified every time that my father would arrive home and say there were no sales, and looking at him with a desperate face of anguish and fear that I would mirror neuron his experience as a form of empathy, just because of believing that I had to be equally sad because everyone else was sad that there was no money, which is what I believed and perceived and projected upon others all the time during that time and whenever I see ‘weary faces’ in people.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘weary faces ‘ to financial problems, which is how I have judged the faces of people while being in public transportation and thinking that they are having a ‘rough financial time’ whenever I see such faces, which stems from how I would witness my father having this weary face whenever his business was not doing good at all.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the news of there not being ‘enough jobs’ to fear and petrification, as well as a general sense of anxiety because of the ‘uncertainty’ that the future represents in a monetary-level.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear and disillusionment when overhearing about financial problems, lack of jobs just because of how I lived that in my life as a ‘sad time, ‘ where we could not afford all the ‘fun’ we used to afford in my family during that financial crisis time, which indicates that my worry and concern was not because we had nothing to eat, but because we could not afford the ‘good life’ I had experienced before.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see that I had connected the ‘art career’ to ‘the good life’ that I sought to have, such as fame, fortune, traveling, meeting people and because I realized that such dreams were not based on reality and what’s best for all, shunning away my ‘dreams’ became a disillusionment in my mind, even if to me was ‘common sense,’ yet I did not investigate all the minor reactions that I had toward having to ‘give up’ such dreams, which is what I am now able to see with clarity.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to access the character of ‘everything is fine’ and ‘I’ve overcome it’ without doing proper investigation and research about my inner experience when having to apparently ‘give up’ my dream of following throughout my career with 100% of focus on it, which is a point that I realized I had blamed toward ‘walking process’ without realizing that I was just unnecessarily creating a judgment upon a decision, just because it was apparently ‘hard’ to give up my dreams.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that such dreams were just part of the desires that I used to keep myself bound to this ‘ethereal future of grandeur’ without taking into consideration the actual physical reality at all. This means that I built ‘castles in the air’ and that I in no way was directive as myself in practical reality consideration when building up such ‘dreams.’ Thus, it is not that I ‘gave up my dreams,’ but they were never real, they were just an illusion to keep me busy hoping, dreaming and desiring of someday obtaining them, without looking at the practical considerations of such dream and the actual viable ways to walk them into completion. This means, they were only my creation and beloved mindfuck.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to see disillusionment as something real, not seeing and realizing that it can only exist if I held ‘high stakes’ and hope to get somewhere/ something in separation of myself here. Thus the illusion was always unreal, as the name implies – therefore being disillusioned is removing the illusion from the equation of being here because it was never real and tangible anyways.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into regret and think ‘all this circus for nothing’ related to all that which I worked on throughout my career and seeing it as pointless, not realizing that in this is just a self-victimization process to make it all ‘worthless’ which means that I had given ‘more value’ than myself here to the entire career and what I would ‘become’ with it, as the personality moreness of the artist.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the thought pattern that I had used to accumulate shame, guilt and remorse about my past – discussed here – wherein sentences like ‘What the fuck what I thinking’? ‘I can’t believe that I’ve actually done that’ are used to reload myself as memories of the past, aggravate myself as blame, guilt and remorse instead of realizing that I can absolutely self-forgive the point and unconditionally let go of the past and walk myself here as the directive principle of who I am in every moment of breath in self honesty.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself with judgment believing that a ‘career’ is a ‘curse’ in my life, without realizing that I was simply justifying my experience in that moment by thinking about ‘who I am’ as a career instead of who I am here as every moment of breath.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a ‘time loop character’ whenever I speak about having to finish my career/ art school, just because of all the judgments that I held toward it which was in my mind like having to remain with a partner that I was no longer ‘in love with,’ hence turning it all into a bad romance that I had to endure just for the sake of system purposes in separation of myself. I realize that I walked the point as a decision to walk through what I created for myself as my decision and taking it into completion.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into guilt, remorse, regret and feeling like I have ‘wasted 5 years of my life’ with it, without realizing that there is nothing ‘wasted’ as I am here breathing and that I cannot ‘be more’ or use more of myself here than breathing and existing physically here.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that using sentences like ‘I wasted my time’ is just a way to exert guilt and blame in separation of myself in order to remain as a victim of my decisions as the mind, while who I am is here and is not bound to living as a memory when and as I direct and establish myself here as breath.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see getting a degree as the ‘reward’ after ‘the torture’ which is just a mind-game to see myself as victim that ‘had to go through it all for nothing’ when in fact nothing of what I do in separation of myself can remain ‘here’ as who I am, thus I realize that I simply walked into completion a decision I had made and that is the only practicality to it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge and manipulate into thinking ‘who the fuck requires a licensed artist anyways?’ which was a way for me to justify that ‘my career’ is something that does not require any validity within the system, which is an excuse and justification for me to not walk the system but remain within the ‘value scheme’ that is accepted in society according to ‘artists’ and ‘art creation’ being some type of ‘out of the system’ activity, when it is in fact not.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself unnecessarily by criticizing my own past as ‘bubbly fluffy dreams’ wherein who I am in such definition is existing as spitefulness, blame, guilt and even shame of my decisions in the past.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project this judgment onto the people around me wherein I ‘cage’ others into the judgments that I have accepted myself to exist as, in order to believe that ‘I know’ what they are going through,’ which can only imply so if I remain as the character that is existing as the ‘disillusioned artist’ when perceiving ourselves to Only be this one character in our reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate a character of ‘changing directions’ as in realizing that I had made an ‘uniformed decision’ in my life, and within that instead of absolutely letting go of it to simply be here, remain as breath in self-honesty, I created another character that recriminates itself as the past, believing itself to be the remorse, guilt and shame for such decision, not realizing that all that I chose to be and become is only based on the character that I wanted to be and become – hence to stop all characters I simply let go of myself as memories, as the decisions made in the past and simply support myself to establish who I am in every moment of breath here.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ponder in my mind about the decisions that are Already made, that are already done instead of realizing that it is done, it is the past and who I am does not require to exist as the past.

 

I see and realize how we have collectively kept ourselves bound to our own limitation when and by being affected as words of defeatism, lostness and general self-deprecation wherein fear is instigated in order to not step out of character and realize that who we are is physical beings not ‘artists’/ characters, and that we in fact determine who we are in every moment by what we accept and allow ourselves to be and become.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘I only fooled myself,’ which could come through as a realization, however when thought and attached to a single experience of remorse/ guilt, I become the character that exists as ‘regret’ only – which is not unconditionally letting go of the past as memories, but still holding on to that judgment as ‘who I am.’ Which I am not.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become the character of ‘having no enthusiasm to create any longer,’ which is stemming only from a self-victimized position in order to continue reminding me as ‘the one that was overzealous to create’ and within that, still compare ‘who I am here’ to that which I was in the past.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to compare ‘my artistic character’ to other artistic characters that pushed themselves further to reach that ‘moreness’ of themselves as being considered within the art-character world as ‘the best,’ and according to that, believe that they were ‘really making it,’ as we have learned in society to give more value/ importance to those that wear the character with the most zeal and pride, earning lots of money as a societal confirmation that they have in fact integrated themselves as ‘THE character’ in society, which is how we establish from such characters a point of reference of what is ‘possible’ for each one if we strive, fight and compete to become equal-characters to such idea of ‘satisfaction’ and ‘fulfillment’ according to what such character represents and requires in order to achieve the ‘ultimate stardom’ as ‘the ultimate character.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I was stepping out of the ‘artist character’ by not following through any longer with the same pursuit of happiness/ fame and fortune as ‘my fellow artist peer characters,’ I was diminishing myself, becoming less, a ‘drop out’ and a ‘loser,’ without realizing that these are only the social conventions fear tags that we’ve imposed onto those that refuse to take the ‘moreness’ of themselves as money, fame, glory and an eternal pursuit of happiness/ success, just because this represents no longer supporting the character that everyone else has become. Thus stepping out of the character-world at this moment implies not being supported by others, because it represents a threat to their character, as the realization that everything that we have ever been is/ has been a lie.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to play-out the entire relationship character with ‘art’ itself as the characterization that I used in order to pursue a ‘happily ever after’ type of scenario for ‘my future,’ and because I started realizing the illusion and fallacy that it was, I believed that now I had to be ‘sad’ and ‘spiteful’ toward myself as my decision because I was ‘giving up a dream,’ not realizing the dream for the illusion that it always was – thus the belief that it all ended up ‘badly’ just like in a relationship is yet another character for me to believe that I am ‘in fact’ now ‘less than myself’ which leads to a point of perceived lack, instead of realizing that who I am here does not require a characterization to exist, does not require a ‘moreness’ as an illusion available through and by the current fraud and illusion that money exists as in order to be satisfied with myself and call myself as ‘successful,’ which is how I had accepted myself to follow through my life: seeking success, recognition, satisfaction and this ideal ‘well being’ based on following the rules of the system to the T.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever feel ‘bad’ about the reactions that my decision to step out of character would influence other characters I have related myself to throughout my character-life such as ‘family’ and ‘friends’ when deciding not to follow through with the same pursuit as ‘characterization,’ but instead decide to walk the path of no-character wherein there is nothing more to be or become, there is nothing to attain, there is nothing to lose either, but only a realization of who we are as life and how we can practically direct ourselves as physical beings to create a world wherein what is best for all is considered and applied at all times.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into further judgment about my abilities in order to justify my own victimization as real, as not being ‘as talented as I kid myself to be,’ which is simply the realization that I created myself as this desire, I created the idea or belief that I required a particular talent to ‘become someone else’ as ‘an artist’ in my life, in order to become another character in society that could be ‘more’ than oneself as all the values and ‘importance’ given to careers and professions as if they were in fact something that could support a human being to be and become an actual living individual, which is not because: all careers are based on creating characters that will interact with other characters to create a character world, wherein all that we really in fact are is dismissed by believing ourselves to be such characters seeking to fulfill the ‘moreness’ experience of what such character requires to fulfill itself as a ‘complete/ satisfied character’ – which is what I had sought to be/ become, without realizing I was absolutely diminishing myself to One Single Point as self-definition and missing the entirety of myself here as breath, as the physical, as who and what I really am.

 

 

Self Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself going into any form of fear based on not having a job/ fear or not having any money, I stop and I breathe. I realize that fear in itself is just another way to occupy my mind instead of practically and physically directing myself to find a way to ensure that I can be financially stable according to the possibilities and options available, without holding any judgment as to ‘what I am capable of doing’ based on having only studied a certain career.

 

When and as I see myself judging myself or experiencing shame for having studied the career that I chose I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am not my career and that it does not define in any way who and what I am, and what I am able and capable of participating in. Thus I expand my possibilities to work and do what is best for all which is not defined by me as the ‘artist’ character any longer.

 

When and as I see myself projecting judgments onto people based on me believing they are worried because of having no money, I stop and I breathe. I realize this is me charging up memories of what I have defined as ‘financial worries’ according to certain ‘worry-like facial expressions’ that I see on people. I direct myself to not cage another in a certain character based on my own character-formations based on the past.

 

When and as I see myself creating a character of ‘overcoming’ something/ someone, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is another way to make myself feel ‘good’ about it and thus separating myself into another experience and not being in fact here as breath.

 

When and as I see myself judging myself as the past and the decisions I made, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is me existing as the mind as the past bringing forth that which is not who and what I really am. Thus, I walk the self forgiveness necessary and ensure that whatever I do, say, think is based on me in the moment according to the physical reality.

 

When and as I see myself accessing a form of belittlement based on the career I studied, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I cannot be more or less than another based on having studied something or not in comparison to others. Thus, I realize that I am not a career and the character that stems from such career, but simply a human being that is able to develop itself in the physical and practical consideration of what is required to be done and conducted/ directed in order to establish a new living reality wherein, who I am can physically express in equality. Which means that I cannot limit myself any longer to a single idea of ‘who I am’ as the past.

 

When and as I see myself haunting me with the memories of who and what I was, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am not my memories and that I am not the character that is ‘correcting itself form the past,’ but simply remain here as breath, walking moment by moment facing whatever is here based on self-honesty.

 

When and as I see myself comparing myself to others that studied the same career that I studied, I stop and I breathe. I realize this is a mechanism for me to remain in constant self-defeatism and belief of not being ‘good enough’ as ‘an artist/ my career’ which is a character definitions based on what the character was supposed to be/ become. Who I am does not require to achieve something in separation of myself, as what I am is here as my physical body that can’t be more or less than what is, as is.

 

When and as I see myself accessing thoughts of ‘success’ and measuring myself according to what others ‘achieve’ in their lives, I stop and I breathe. I realize that within this comparative process we cage ourselves as more or less than others based on how effective we are in the system where money dictates who is ‘more powerful’ than others and who’s ‘less’ than others based on money. Thus, I realize that within me stopping defining who I am as one single character, I am supporting myself to establish myself as the physical equality as life wherein all that is here is myself – hence what’s required to direct and align is who I already am in relation to an equality as life that I begin living as myself.

 

When and as I see myself defining myself/ who I am based on ‘talents,’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that who and what I am here is not defined by a career character, I direct myself to expand my ability to express and do based on practical application and experimentation in the moment in whatever I am required to do and direct myself as, based on the living principle that must be established here on Earth, of which I am walking as myself and I that there is and can be no limitation about it.

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that all Enslavement is in the End Self-Enslavement, as the Being Must accept their Memories on which the Programmed character Functions, as Real.” – Bernard Poolman

 

 

The Whiner 2003

 

Blogs:

 

Vlog:

The Reincarnation Characterization: JTL Blog Review by Bernard Poolman – YouTube

 

The consequence of our thoughts at a physical level!!!

Reptilians – Thoughts becoming Flesh (Part1) – Part 64


75. Bursting Dreams to Live Reality

 

How many times have we made decisions in our lives based on what ‘others think’ of ourselves, what we are ‘good at’ and what we should do? In my experience, I took other’s opinions as validations to my own beliefs and ideals, eventually only making decisions once I had gathered enough ‘confirmations’/ validations to my own desires, wherein within the Art point itself, what others said about me and ‘my artwork’ mattered enough to make myself confident about making a decision in life to study art. This implies that I really only allowed myself to be driven by other’s opinions about myself and what I wanted to do, but never fully only considering myself and taking into consideration all consequential outflows from this decision in practical terms: how am I going to live, how can I practically direct myself within this career, what are the odds to ‘hit the jackpot’ in the artworld? To place it shortly: I had fallen in love with art and I made a decision based on this attraction to it, trying to equate myself to that expression through believing that I could ‘make it’ – and the point here is not to digress if I am capable or not, but the starting point of the decisions in my life based on having others’ ‘backup’ for me, just because of not being confident enough to make my own decisions and be self responsible about them.

 

Dreams of fame and fortune

So, here we go with a specific event wherein I was in an art gallery with 2 people – friend and ex-partner – and how the conversations that we would have while staring at other’s works would fuel my ego and my decisions to think that ‘this is it’ and in that, build the idea of myself as ‘an artist’ based on opinions, judgments and my own daydreaming which would happen as I was listening to them and staring at other artists’ works.

The following is an actual picture of that moment wherein I was daydreaming about the stuff that I’ll disclose here:

marlena 2006

 

 

Self Forgiveness Statements

Pattern: Making decisions based on what others think – Not being confident enough to support me in common sense to make my own decisions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always had waited for other’s opinions and judgments upon myself and ‘what I should do with my life’ in order to make sure that I was making the ‘right choices,’ without realizing that everything that others could point out would be based already on the idea, belief and self-creation process of ‘who I want to be’ – which implies that all the confirmations I would get from others toward myself and my desire to study art, would stem from the same complacency that is played out in relationships, wherein we support each other’s decision without really supporting another to take into consideration that which is practical and best for all –

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever project blame onto others for having supported ‘my mind fuck’ when in fact, it was only me-myself that created such mindfuck in the first place, which implies that my desire to get confirmation/ validation upon my choice in life was only stemming from a desire to make myself ‘sure’ as ‘who I am’ as the ego that I was busy building as ‘an artist,’ which means that even if someone could digress from my decision, I would still have taken the road to study art, because I was only looking for the ego-validation as the decision I had already made, but only sought to be ‘sure of’ to give myself more confidence to actually make the decision to change my career and study visual arts.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to step into a gallery with a predisposition to compare ‘what I do’ and ‘what I would imagine myself doing’ from the get go, wherein every time that I go to an art gallery, I access the immediate profile of ‘me being an artist’ and comparing myself to what I’m looking at – (read further in the entry Looking at Art–what is going on up there?)

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to future project myself with having ‘my artwork’ on such gallery walls and delving into the imagination of what my friend suggested as in ‘imagining my works hanging on those walls someday’ – wherein I allowed myself to simply dream about it and never really consider the actual steps and work required to get there, as well as the starting point of such daydreaming desire being a yearning to be famous, to be recognized and to be ‘praised’ just like any other artist.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to what others had to say in that moment wherein they assured ‘you’ll be a great artist someday’ – which links to what my parents would say, becoming proud of me having to be this ‘great professional’ in whatever career I would choose, just because of the reputation I had built around myself as a ‘good student’ and being ‘good at everything I would do’ – which became like foam to elevate myself and my ego, without really taking into consideration the physical, practical reality of my decisions to get myself to such position.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to get confidence within my ‘living choices’ to be and become an artist based on the props for my ego I would get from others in that moment wherein I would then delve into imagining my ‘solo show,’ believing that I could someday just get there by the magical wand of my own talents, which is basically daydreaming and using a desire as a way to make decision in life based on ‘what I wanted to be’ as a preference and infatuation, but never really considering the practicality of my decision in a world wherein Money must be made on a constant basis to live and survive.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fully delve into the desire and experience of imagining myself being an ‘important artist’ and famous, well known wherein this desire for fame and fortune stood as ‘my dream to come true’ that I thought I could attain by deciding to study arts and simply ‘get it’ because ‘I was so good at it,’ which proves how we can take other’s opinions and judgments as a way to validate our own self-belief in means of ‘fulfillment’ based on separation from self.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to already feel ‘special’ and ‘important’ whenever others would compare the works in that gallery to what I do and judging it as ‘less than’ what I do, which is how through comparing works by subjective opinions/ judgments, I came to build up my self-belief as being in fact ‘better’ than others and having ‘all that is required’ to be a great artist based on opinions/ judgments and my own desire to be special, which I used to validate my desire to be and become an artist.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into my ego-mode and actually voice out that ‘yes, the artworld needs some ‘Marlen’ in it’ as a way to validate that I was in fact ‘better’ than others as a way to make myself feel like I was already a ‘true artist’ because others could recognize it as well –

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, from these moments, feel More secure to make the decision to go to art school, because of what my friends would say about ‘my art,’ and deeming them as great judgments because they are ‘cultured people’ and ‘well read’ which meant that their opinions/ judgments were ‘valid’ in my mind-scheme of values, wherein if someone else had said, it would not have mattered that much – but because they ‘knew of art’ and would be validating my stuff = I felt like such validations were Real and ‘truth’ and ‘meaningful’ for me to take them into consideration and think that I should then be ‘really’ good at it

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at works of art with a critical eye, wherein I am not here as myself breathing and embracing other’s expression as self, but immediately compare myself and what I do to ‘what others do,’ accessing the value-mode of seeing myself as better/ worse than other’s works, which is unacceptable because when existing in superiority, I would feel ‘good’ about my work- and when seeing myself as less/ worse than the artwork on the wall, I’d go into depression and self-deprecation.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to take pride on what I do as ‘my art’ and whenever I compare it as being ‘better than’ others’ works of art in specific galleries, building up this sense of trust and confidence which is not Self-Confidence and Self-Trust, but only validation of the ego through comparison, which is then nothing else but another value-game that I accepted and allowed myself to play as ‘the rules’ within the artworld.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into daydreaming, fantasizing about myself being the one having that show in that art gallery, being proudly recognized and praised in my home town, going far away into me traveling around the world with my works – wherein I used this daydreaming to fuel the ‘artist’ personality, beginning to believe myself to be better than others and be special, which is how I initiated my career and taking pride based on others’ judgments toward my work.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I only had to get myself a license to ‘be an artist’ to be validated in the artworld, which is how I saw everything as ‘very simple’ to do without really taking into consideration all aspects and dimensions of my decision, but simply making a decision based on my daydreaming, others’ opinions upon what I do and using that as a validation to be and become ‘an artist.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be driven by my desires to be famous wherein ‘going to New York’ to one day exhibit my work became like this Mecca for me, wherein I associated being able to one day present my work there as the ultimate lifetime achievement, believing that I could only be ‘fulfilled’ and consider myself as ‘successful’ if I could get to that place one day as a ‘consummated artist,’ not realizing that I was in fact just following my dreams and not really giving a fuck about the world, the actual system that we live in but falling into the trap of seeking my own desires and dreams while having only the ‘intention’ to do some ‘good for the world’ only once that I could get to such position, which is absolutely what any other charity works like: only giving a little of the ‘greatness’ achieved as money as fame/ fortune for the ‘have nots’ and feel better about myself within such future projection as in: following my dreams BUT also supporting the ‘poor ones.’ Which is absolutely, unacceptable – and

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to access shame of myself as how I existed back then, because of the world system, this entire reality never having been a part of my plans and decisions in life, but only following what everyone else was busy doing: seeking to be successful in any ‘field’ of reality that they wanted to develop themselves in, just for the sake of personal interest/ personal development wherein an actual point of Self-Responsibility toward the world was Never considered as part of the plans, which is how I allow myself to let go of the regret that I’ve been holding on to with regards to this choice I made in my life based on my own desires, wants, needs and delusional dreams of grandeur that I actually followed until everything was clear enough for me: I had brainwashed myself and others to support my decision based on self-interest and the ego-praise that everyone in society supports – whereas when one stops following such ‘dream,’ one is seen as ‘not successful’ simply because the specialness and perpetuation of the ego is not ‘here’ any longer, which is placing a stop to the system of career-choices to enhance egos/ keeping the system in place, as I realize that standing for life in equality is not better or worse than, it’s just a life-decision to take self-responsibility.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to daydream about ‘elite people’ bowing down to my work which only gave me a sensation of power over those that I would perceive as ‘more powerful’ than me, due to all the money they have, which I took as a challenge to walk through, because of all the previous judgments I had held toward ‘the elite’ people and the artworld itself, wanting to prove to others that I could be ‘praised by those with money’ and in that, building a fortress around myself as my own ego.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make a decision about me being ‘sure enough’ to be an artist after all the daydreaming/ future projection with backchat in my mind, seeing myself as ‘totally making it’ according to what others would say about me/ my work as well, which made me confident enough to propose this to my parents and let them know that ‘art was my REAL profession, and that I had to be/ become an artist no matter what.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had a ‘true passion to create,’ without realizing that I was simply using the same lingo charged with feelings of grandeur toward art/ art creation and that I used this as a tool to convince myself, others and my parents specifically to support my decision to study art, letting them know that ‘I cannot envision myself doing anything else in this world other than art,’ which is a great fallacy and self manipulation to only follow my dreams of superiority, fame, fortune, money, recognition and grandeur that I sought.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to convince myself to make life-decisions based on the desires stemming from myself as my ego, stemming from myself as the acceptance of a desire as a separation of who I am as one and equal wherein art became this ‘idolized’ field of reality that I wanted to be a part of, just because of how I programmed myself to see it as an elevated and ‘evolved’ human activity, how I deemed it as something special, a ‘divine gift’ to see the world in a ‘different way,’ and within this justifying that I had to drop out of literature and change my plans in life, following the ‘big jackpot’ in the artworld.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself in the moment of doubting my decision by using a point of comparison to what I was studying then and saying ‘I cannot see myself remaining studying literature’ – which became a way to simply manipulate myself further into believing I was making the ‘best decision ever’ now that I had gathered others’ perspectives upon who I am and my own life.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within the belief of ‘my thing is to create’ as an actual self-manipulation that I’d play out in order to talk-myself-into believing that I could only become an artist, I could ‘only’ be satisfied following these dreams, which became also a fear within me when going into the opposite point of ‘not making it’ and fearing the failure of myself within it – yet deliberately shoving such fear away because of the extent of the ‘positive validations’ I got from others and myself included to believe that: there was No way I could fail in this…

I realize how limited it is for us to only have to decide ‘who/ what we are’ as only  a profession, instead of living the expansion of who and what we are as one and equals and in that, realizing that no matter what we do, as long as we are taking the whole into consideration: we will stand by the decision we take as life supports life and there is no ‘wrong decision’ within doing what’s best for all.

 

Ideal Future

Ideal Future 2003  (she still looked clueless and worried lol)

 

 

Self Corrective Statements:

When and as I see myself making decisions based on other’s opinions about ‘what I am good at’ wherein only a self-belief as personality is considered, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I must direct myself in a way wherein Who I Am is no longer bound to a preference, a desire, an ideal of myself in my life but instead decide to direct my life in a way that I can ensure that the choice that I make will be in support of myself and all equally, taking a position in my world wherein I can actually dedicate my life to Life itself, supporting myself and others, which implies that I must establish my own equality and oneness so that there are no more desires existent within me to ‘fulfill’ in separation of what’s best for all, but I ensure that I walk the decision to dedicate myself to life, and within this, whatever decision I take on in any particular field, the starting point of it will be very clear: life in equality as myself in all ways.

 

When and as I see myself doubting my own choice, I realize that in such allowance of becoming the doubt, I am diminishing myself to uncertainty that is existent only when a conflict of interests exists within me – which implies that I must clarify for myself first where such doubt stems from – what am I trying to protect? What and who am I manipulating to impose ‘my way’ as ‘my choice,’ instead of considering at all times what is best for all life – within this, I realize that any friction and conflict emerging from a decision based on common sense, must be specifically scrutinized to see where I am creating such conflict from self-interest, desires, wants and needs that I realize are always in the way of the consideration of what’s best for all life.

 

When and as I see myself resorting to the memory of myself as ‘an artist’ to create an idea of not being ‘satisfied’ with my life, I stop and I breathe. I realize that such idea of self was created from the starting point of everything that I allowed myself to be only as my mind, which implies that ‘who I am’ here as a common sensical being will no longer be bound to a preference, an ideal or desire of ‘who I want to be,’ but instead realize that I am already here, walking the living decision to support myself as life, and within that, seeing that no ‘dream’ can ever be an actual self-directed decision as dreams are always only based on what the mind places in our ‘heads’ to continue existing in the limitation of personality, ego/ preference – thus, I ‘remind’ myself that This process implies letting go of my personal interests in the name of ALL as Equals wherein there is no need to only be ‘one single thing’ and diminishing myself to one single point, but instead, learn to expand myself in a way that I can verify I am in fact supporting myself and others, which will imply at all times the consideration of life in Equality and never more just a ‘career’ or ‘profession’ based on likes and dislikes and personal dreams.

 

When and as I see myself going into the hypothetical daydreaming activity of ‘who I could have been if I have ‘given it all’ to my career’ – I stop and I breathe. I realize that I have bound myself to such dreams and idealizations of my life based on the accumulation of desires linked to people’s opinions about myself, my work/ my life, and that in no way I ever considered life in equality in such equation of ‘career choice’ – thus I see that everything that I have to ‘let go of’ was never in fact ‘real’ as myself, as it was only based on preferences and future projections that I in no way walked in an equal-and-one consideration of myself as life and all. Thus, I let go of the dream for the illusion that it always was.

 

When and as I see myself daydreaming about ‘all that could have been’ in relation to myself and the art career, I realize that such dreams were stemming from my desires to be famous, recognized and ‘praised’ as an ego that was formed when listening to others and my own backchat about myself being ‘special’ and ‘unique,’ which is the most basic form of ego-driven decisions that exist, therefore I realize that in order to walk my decision to life/ to live, I can no longer hold any dream as valuable within my decision. Once that I have made the decision to live, I ensure that any temptation as a daydreaming moment is an indication that I am not wanting to face a particular living-decision that requires my attention and focus to not deviate from the position of Self-Responsibility that I have decided to walk, thus I breathe and bring here the point that is leading me to ‘desire escaping = desire my daydreams’ due to how I had connected my career to a way to be evasive toward and of the world itself.

 

When and as I see myself basing people’s opinions and judgments upon myself/ the world based on the idea/ belief and perception that I have of them as ‘well-cultured’ / knowledgeable/ intelligent beings, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is me just perpetuating the same system of values that are in fact abusive toward the world system, maintaining specialness and hierarchies over the realization of life in equality. I stop wanting to remain within a special ‘group of people’ that can be considered as ‘well cultured/ knowledgeable/ intellectual’ as the people I used to hang out with and have relationships toward, as I see that none that has ever contributed to a world in Equality, nor is there any Real care and consideration to doing something that will create a real change in life, and our world. Thus I let go of the dream for the fallacy that it always was and the judgments/ opinions from others that it was backed up with.

 

When and as I see myself fearing not fulfilling the ideas/ beliefs and perceptions others had about me and my life/ future within the belief that I would get to be someone ‘great’ and ‘extraordinary,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that all those expectations were only a heavy load for me to remain as the ‘ever perfection’ idea of myself that was backed up by people around me, wherein I then created this great expectation upon myself, falling into a disillusionment and even self-belittlement the moment that such high-expectations were not able to be fulfilled. Which is how and why I can now see that none of that was ever of any value as Life and what’s best for all was in no way considered in such plans as ‘my life’ and ‘who I want to be,’ – thus I let go of the dreams for the fallacies that they are and entail.

 

When and as I see myself going back to the pattern of ‘wanting to create only’ I realize that this is mostly an evasive pattern that I used to seclude myself, forget about the world and everyone and essentially fuel my self-obsessions and desires without any common sense direction to my life and ‘who I am’

 

Thus, the realization that I get from this is that I chose a career in order to fly away from the world, not having to face myself and the ‘monetary system’ because of seeing it as ‘the bad guy’ and ‘the monster’ that wanted to only suck us dry – deciding to instead make art as a ‘noble way’ to earn money, without ever even pondering that I could support myself to be the change that I wanted to see in the world instead of finding ways to evade it and run away from it. I make sure that the decisions that I take on as my life from here on are based on what is best for all, wherein all forms of desires are seen as the limited version of myself that I thought myself to be, that I created of myself as to limit my real capacity and ability to do that which I thought was impossible: create a change in this world, and this won’t come only from me following a dream, but taking a position within the system wherein I can ensure that I am no longer controlled by desires and fears to be and become that which I will require to do and become in order to establish a world and reality wherein All can placidly decide what to do with their lives without having a need to ‘have more’ than others or ‘survive’ only, but really be supported from birth to death and in that, having a Real Choice to establish a common sensical living decision for oneself and all as equals.

 

Desteni

Desteni Forum for Self Support

Equal Money System so that All can express and live the ‘dreams’ that we are currently only able to hold as an illusion due to MONEY being the main obstacle to be able to express/ live as equals to Life.

windblows

Blogs:

This is a continuation to the blogs:

 

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72. My Career Choice

I have been walking the last posts to see how Money influences our lives and decisions in life, wherein we can see and realize that whatever we thought we were doing as an actual decision by ourselves, was in fact a product of our social-conditioning accepted as ‘choices’ in life linked to ‘succeeding’ in the system in one way or another.

 

I’ll be walking my own career choice from the moment of how I believed myself to be ‘talented’ in doing artwork and how I built this belief within myself in order to make it ‘my profession/ career’ in an almost infatuated manner, without considering the actual practicality of it in terms of giving myself practical living directions to actually be able to live of it/ earn money of it within my life.

 

My choice of career was based on creating an ‘acceptable way’ of not wanting to participate in what I deemed as the entire ‘corrupt greedy system’ that we are living in. I dropped out of linguistics because I realized that career was going to simply make me a library person, an intellectual reading others words and dissecting them as valuable/ not valuable, and I wanted to be a ‘creator,’ a ‘creative’ person. But in the back of my head, all that I wanted was to create a lifestyle that was – apparently- ‘out of the ordinary’ which is how I deliberately created my personality as a profile of an ‘eccentric being,’ so that others could agree with me that: I had to be an artist.

 

Self Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘I don’t know what I’m doing here’ while being in classic literature class in linguistics and literature school, without realizing that I chose to study that career and was fully ‘into it’ before I had instigated within me the idea of ‘wanting to study art’ instead

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel victimized while having to ‘endure’ the class that I am not genuinely interested in, while daydreaming about being ‘creating’ and going to ‘art school’ which was a ‘dream shut down’ for me at the moment, because of me not having been directive enough when choosing my career

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘there is no way I am going to spend 5 years listening to useless stuff’– without realizing that I am in that only considering that which ‘suits my preferences’ and ‘validates my personal taste’ to do and be whatever I want to be, without realizing that I belonged to a certain institution where curriculum is not able to be ‘picked.’ I realize that I judged the moment because of existing within an obsession to get to study art school and drop literature –thus I manipulated myself, the moment and all my actions to ‘make it visible’ that I didn’t really want to be there any longer.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘my thing is to create and not regurgitate other’s words’ which is a statement of self-manipulation to reinforce my already lingering desire to stop the career and move to another one.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged and ‘discredited’ because of deciding to ‘drop out of school’ and fearing that this would be seen as a failure in my life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care about what others would have to say if I dropped out of literature school.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to even fear admitting this to myself because of how I didn’t want to continue ‘lying’ to myself about me being comfortable within the school, without realizing that it was actually me not being ‘comfortable’ within myself, and my life and that going to art school only represented another ‘way out of the system’ within my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge that which I had initially ‘adored’ as literature/ books/ reading in order to justify and validate my excuses to drop out of that school, validating preference as an actual ‘reason’ to drop out which is how I placed preference over common sense to validate my personality.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge literature as ‘useless stuff’ without realizing that this judgment was coming from me wanting to convince myself to be doing the ‘right choice’ for dropping out of the literature career.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my ‘ideal career’ to the career I was studying (literature,) just so that I could continue validating my own desires to migrate to another point.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘my thing is to create and not regurgitate what others have created’ which is a statement made out of spitefulness toward that which I simply stopped liking, which is a usual mechanism to validate our point of view over our self-created reality and consequences, to make myself seem like a ‘winner’ and not a ‘loser that drops out’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare literature and art and placing the latter above the first one just because of wanting to validate my decision to ‘go to art school’ above literature, and justify the reason why I was dropping out of it, to not be seen like a ‘drop out’ but rather a ‘wise person that aligns her decisions and preferences in life.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always want to suit my decisions to seem like a ‘wise choice’ that makes me a ‘winner,’ instead of admitting that I have made a mistake and can allow myself to give me a second opportunity to re-align my decisions on life.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge and criticize people that study literature as ‘library rats’ in a spiteful mode just to add on to the ongoing validations of why I don’t want to continue studying literature.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to project myself into a self-created ‘gloomy future’ being locked in a library for the rest of my life if continuing studying literature, which is just how I used my imagination to perpetuate the belief that I had to get out of that career to not become like my worst nightmare, which is just another belief and justification that validates my desire to simply stop studying literature, using denigration toward others in order to see myself as ‘making the right choice,’ which is judgmental and unacceptable, as it is me trying to see myself as a winner.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to get validation for my ‘skills to create’ in order to validate my decision to change my career and within that, being able to justify why I ‘don’t like literature school’ any longer.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that it was because of my parents that I wasn’t able to study arts, while in fact it was me that wasn’t directive enough with regards to taking and making a decision based on my life and my future.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself in relation to what my parents though with regards to me not going out of the city to study arts, when in fact I realize that I used this also as an excuse for me not having been directive and responsible enough to consider what it is that I actually wanted to study in that moment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having taken my ‘second option’ within resignation and within a ‘second plate’ type of experience around it, without realizing that I was only judging it that way because of me not having taken the necessary steps to actually walk the initial desire and decision to study art from the beginning of having to choose my career.

 

 

I forgive myself to deliberate scheme and manipulate my expression in order to continue drawing so that ‘others’ could see my ‘real passion’ for art and drawing – instead of realizing that I was the only one manipulating myself to suit my own desires to migrate to another career and ‘life.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take others judgments upon my work as ‘flattering’ and ‘props for my ego’ wherein I am in fact creating this idea of myself as ‘definitely being an artist’ and using that to deliberately validate and justify my change in careers.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘which is a self-belief coming from the starting point of validating my desire to study arts and ‘change’/ veer my direction in order to suit my entire desire to ‘be an artist and be out of this world’ – therefore it is and was not an actual recognition of a ‘passion to create’ but used as an excuse to validate my self-definition and desire to not be part of what I had deemed as a ‘greedy corrupt system’ of money/ capitalism, that I thought I could get away from by studying arts.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having feared to convince my parents about my career decision, out of them disapproving and losing their financial support.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having feared proposing a change of career toward my parents because of not wanting to create a reaction within them as me ‘dropping out’ thus, losing my ‘reputation’ toward them as the ever excellent student that ‘doesn’t drop out.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ‘fear disappointing my parents’ when letting them know that I wanted to change my career, which is me judging myself only for not having taken the necessary steps and direction from the get-go initially. I realize that this is me existing in self-blame and projecting it on my parents.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear letting my parents know that ‘I don’t like my career’ because of fearing being seen as a ‘lost person’ that ‘doesn’t know what she wants in life – and lose credibility and my self-definition as a person that ‘knows what she wants to do with her life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my parents mocking me for changing directions in my life and dissing my new direction as ‘another phase in my life’ based on how I had lived my life going from various phases, preferences and lifestyles, without realizing that I am only limiting myself within this fear to actually support myself to explore what is it that I am actually capable of being and becoming in a supportive way for myself and others within the consideration of what’s best for all, and not only ‘what I like’ or believed I liked doing.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take others’ judgments upon my life as ‘true’ and allowing them to affect my ability to make decisions and take directions that I know are required once that I have proven to myself that the previous decisions are simply not what I meant to do/ be and become.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my parents/ family’s judgments as a decisive factor to move myself and direct myself within my life, without realizing that I am the only one that will live within such decisions for the rest of my life.

 

 

Self Corrective Statements:

When and as I see myself asking ‘what the hell am I doing here?’ and feeling victimized about the situation, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am the only one that is able to direct myself in my reality and that any beliefs of victimization are only ways to manipulate myself to not face the fact that: I placed myself in this position – no one forced me to do so. I realize that whatever I experience is a direct consequence of what I have created and directed within my life by my own will, thus I stop victimizing myself by statements that reinforce any form of manipulating myself and others to ‘get out the backdoor’

 

When and as I see myself believing that I have to ‘endure’ a class, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this ‘self-torture’ is only generated by my own judgments and opinions about the class in itself.

 

When and as I see myself thinking and believing that I am in no way going to spend 5 years listening to useless stuff – I stop and I breathe. I realize that the judgment is stemming from my desire to change my career and that everything I said was already from wanting to diss and discredit the career I was in, just to suit and reinforce the self-belief of ‘having to go to art school instead’ – I realize that I have used this self-manipulation to suit my own needs and justify them to make it all ‘acceptable’ at the eyes of others, just because of having feared being judged by ‘dropping out’ of it.

 

I realize that I feared being seen as a ‘failure’ by others and that within this fear of judgment, I manipulated myself to portray myself in a way that others could validate that ‘my decision was correct’ – without realizing that the only one that I was manipulating and fearing is myself: fearing failing and fearing being judged by others.

 

I realize that I have used to denigrate that which I no longer want to be bound to, and eventually create an opposition toward it, even though I ‘adored it’ at first- such as literature and linguistics. Thus I stop and I breathe whenever I see myself denigrating and making something ‘less than’ just so that within my own mind, I can see myself as ‘being a winner’ for opting out and going to an apparent ‘better position’ as in studying another career. Little did I realize that it was never about ‘the career’ but about myself only.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to validate my choice and placing myself as a ‘winner’ by validating my ‘choice’ through dissing/ making the other point less than, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is an ego treat to make believe that I made the right choice and that my decision is validated by my own evidence and assessment of the event/ situation

 

When and as I See myself believing that all decisions I make are ‘for the better’ I stop and I realize. I see that within this starting point of ‘bettering myself/ desiring to be in a ‘better position’ I am in fact justifying my own manipulation to remain as a ‘winner’ within my mind. I realize that everything that I decide to do within my life must be assessed and directed within the starting point of what is best for all, and that I am absolutely responsible for making it work or not. I assume all responsibility that comes from making decisions in life –

 

I realize that I have tricked and fooled myself to justify and validate my choices in life based on preference, instead of an actual assessment of what is best for all. I stop manipulating myself to believe that everything I decide to do with my life is ‘alright’ and ‘will always go well’ – as this belief system is what lead me to walk through art school.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to manipulate the way that others will see my decisions in my desire to be seen as a ‘wise person’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that the manipulation that I have created toward myself and others can only in the end affect myself only, wherein I realize that I must take into consideration the consequences of my decisions within practical terms and not only manipulate myself to be a ‘winner’ at the eyes of others and myself.

 

When and as I see myself creating future projections as unpleasant moments/ experiences, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am only going into my mind to manipulate my beliefs in a way that it suits the outcome that I am looking for, which is discrediting my own career choice by now dissing it because of having ‘something better to aspire to’

 

I realize that this is a pattern I have lived out within this point of careers and relationships, just so that whenever I see a relationship/ career point ending, I am able to remain as a ‘winner’ in my mind, instead of being self honest about the decision being simply a way that it wasn’t suitable for myself according to the interests I pursued back then. There is no need to judge and justify my decisions based on ‘bashing’ and belittling the original choice to make myself feel ‘better’ about my decision.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to do something ‘evident’ at the eyes of others to validate and support the belief of ‘who I am’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is an attention seeking pattern wherein I am deliberately wanting to be validated and identified as ‘an artist’ or an ‘expressive person’ which I use as props for my ego to remain within the ‘creative suit’ and within this particular situation, having used it as a way to validate my own shift in career and validate it/ excuse it with a decision based on having ‘real passion’ to create, which I have demonstrated to myself was never actually real.

 

When and as I see myself blaming my parents for apparently not having been able to allow me to study arts, initially – I stop and I breathe. I realize that it was me all the way the one that wasn’t directive enough to make a decision and walk the actual process to achieve it, but instead allowed me to conform because of not wanting to stir up conflict. I realize that within my life and my decisions, I must be absolutely self-directive and considering the actual steps to direct myself to accomplish a point.

 

When and as I see myself victimizing myself with regards to ‘my parents not allowing me to study arts out of the city’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that I wasn’t directive and responsible enough to consider that it was only me the one that had to place the actual ‘doing’ and ‘planning’ which I absolutely neglected at the time, and went for the most ‘comfortable option’ which meant not challenging also my own schemes of ‘going out and living alone’ which I eventually directed.

However, I realize that I require to be specific whenever I am walking a point in my life wherein decisions have to be made and actual direction must be given within the consideration of what is best for myself to be, live and direct myself toward in order to support myself and within the principle of what’s best for all.

When and as I see myself opting for the most ‘comfortable’ and ‘less troubling’ solution within my mind when having the opportunity to choose – I stop and I breathe. I reconsider to see and realize that I have to take into consideration the actual outcome of such decision and all the dimensions existent within that decision, to make sure that I do not create unnecessary timeloops within my life and my experience. This means that I direct myself to be bold enough to take the necessary risks to direct myself to an outcome that is certainly best in the moment, and stop my own limitations that only exist as fears within my own mind.

 

When and as I see myself believing that ‘my real passion is to create’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that what I have deemed as such was only a validation for my decision to change career and backup an entire personality suit as ‘the artist/ the creator’ – I realize that I haven’t allowed myself to establish self-creation as one and equal wherein it’s not a point of self-definition, but an actual integration of my ability and capability of supporting myself to correct and direct myself according to that which I see is self-supportive in all ways within my life, and not limited to ‘creating art.’

 

When and as I see myself fearing others judgments upon my change in career/ different lifestyle that I decide to take on as my life, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am the only one that will live with the decisions I make within my life and that I am now being directive to consider what’s best for all in such decisions, and not just a self-belief pattern that backups a personality. I realize that all decisions and changes that I take within my life, I am absolutely responsible for – therefore I stop allowing judgments to influence my decision in any way whatsoever within my life.

 

When and as I see myself placing the excuse to validate another option that I may have and say ‘I cannot see myself within this for the rest of my life’ – I stop and I breathe. These justifications exist as a trick of my own mind to ‘talk myself into’ accepting another option as ‘better than’ based on self interest – I realize that in the direction I am taking with my life, I am considering what is best for all as a point walked day by day, wherein it is not a profession/ career/ occupation but rather a life-learning process that cannot be defined within the current schemes of ‘career choices’ in our world, as it is me learning how to live and do/ live/ create/ direct myself in the consideration of what’s best for all life in Equality.

 

When and as I see myself limiting myself to receive validation from others in order to make decision and direct myself within my life, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I cannot depend on other’s validation to move myself, as I realize I am capable and able to direct myself efficiently within my reality wherein I am self-responsible for the consequences and outflows of the decision I take. I realize that only moving/ directing myself after getting ‘enough validation’ is self-manipulation and not allowing me to realize that Self-Direction is existing in one single breath here that I make a decision and walk it – live it.

 

When and as I see myself experiencing frustration because of not being in a place that supports my creativity and expression – I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is a belief-system of myself that I have used to manipulate myself into an outcome that I have perceived as ‘less restrictive’ without realizing that in doing that, I have limited myself and my ability to expand into fields/ areas wherein I have not even considered that I could also enjoy and learn/ expand from. I stop limiting myself according to preferences that only lead me to live an apparently more ‘lax’ way of ‘lifestyle.’ I realize that self-direction even in points wherein I seemingly ‘don’t like/ don’t enjoy’ are only limitations based on preferences within my own mind.

 

When and as I see myself victimizing myself, whining and complaining about ‘not fitting in’ and using others’ validation to my belief of having to be doing ‘something else’ within my life, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I can only complain about my own fuck up of not having directed myself to plan an actual direction within my life wherein I could be doing that which I intended to do from the get go, but allowed myself to limit myself because of fears. Thus, ‘not fitting in, not belonging here’ are but excuses to remain limited and stubbornly want to validate my own self-definition, which is also not supporting myself to allow myself to expand and explore my capabilities within other fields that I had not considered within my own mind before.

 

When and as I see myself ‘fearing disappointing my parents/ others’ in my world based on the decisions I take within my life, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this judgment only comes when I haven’t walked the point within absolute self-direction and self-trust to know that my decision will actually be best for all in all ways, and that whatever I decide to do with my life, is my absolute point of Self-Responsibility and nothing or no one can influence that point for myself.

 

When and as I see myself fearing being seen as a person that ‘is lost’ and ‘doesn’t know what to do with her life’ – I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am only creating this fear based on my own ‘lack’ of self-trust in that moment to direct myself to actually support myself within taking decisions and directing myself in my life, within absolute self-responsibility for what I do and what I don’t do.

 

I realize that I have feared being seen as ‘lost’ or ‘a waste’ because of having dropped out of my career and not following through with my actual career. I allow myself to change directions if the previously chosen direction is not best for all. I allow myself to see mistakes as a way to see where and how I am not effectively directing myself and within that, allow myself to be actually supportive within considering the outflows and consequences of my decisions in life.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to get validation from others to make decisions in life, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am able to direct myself and change the direction within the realization that I am the only one that will walk the consequences and outflows of such decisions I take and live throughout my life

 

I realize that I cannot allow anyone else’s judgments and opinions to affect who I am and how I direct myself within my life, If I am certain that I am in fact directing myself within self-honesty and self-trust.

 

I also allow myself to obviously get some feedback and reference from people that are able and capable to consider self-honestly what’s best for me to consider as a point of self-direction within the current point I am walking in process and the position that I must take on in order to support the outcome that is best for all life in equality.

 

For further support, visit the Desteni Forum 

Desteni I Process 

Nada

Nada (2005)

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