Fear Dimension :
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my writing being rejected by the academy for lacking art references and within this, sabotaging my own completion of the document based on a future projection and expectation based on a prejudice that I have formed toward ‘Academy’ as a restrictive institution, instead of realizing that I am the one that has the ability to create a writing that is both fulfilling toward academic standards and also at a personal level within the context of the content matching my actual and initial intention of doing this work in the first place, which is getting a degree and sharing a perspective of self-creation within the art world as my own contribution and career-experience that I have decided to share.
I realize that the work that I am doing does not have to be separated from any of my other writings and any other responsibility that I do follow through with – and in this realizing that any resistance that I have created toward the point is based on prejudices that I have formed toward school/ academy as instances wherein
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged by the academy/ professors for lacking commitment to ‘the art world’ with presenting my writing, due to it not being precisely linked to a plastic or visual art but instead, a self-creation process that is our ability to exist as human beings that have the power and ability to create themselves and a society/ world system that is supportive of life itself and not mind-system creation modes that only support separation and abuse of life.
I realize that I am actually postponing creating a final ‘note’ to this entire career that I see can be veered toward a self-creation process wherein the concept of art is expanded to a self-creative ability that is actually quite acceptable within the realm of the art world and also reminding myself here that I had already had a ‘good to go’ approval from my professor – thus
When and as I see myself fearing getting my written document done based on fear of it not being ‘good enough’ for the standards that the academic world require, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am actually fully capable of taking on this task and project with all its requirements wherein I simply have to write and fulfill the task at hand that is a requisite for me to actually finish what I began as professional career – and I remind myself that I chose to walk this process and walk this career and get it done.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my writing is judged as ‘too spiritual’ or any other pejorative term that I have feared my professors creating upon my work due to them having no reference to what Desteni is – though I realize that I do not have to fear this type of bs things when I am perfectly capable of writing out and convey a message that is common sensically based and doesn’t require any ‘gap-concepts’ that cannot be understood by academics.
When and as I see myself fearing professors judging my writing based on it being too ‘humanitarian’ instead of ‘artistic,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that the same way the concept of art has been expanded throughout the years, one can implement a new dimension to it which is actually a primary one based on the concept of art as a self-creative process wherein the being standing in and as a self-honest being, his/ her expressions will be an immediate expression/ expansion of him/herself as part of one’s own expression within the principle of what is best for all and within this, turning art into a more practical living statement other than a mind-regurgitation activity that has served little to no purpose for humanity, just as anything else in this world that requires its fine-tuning to be supportive for all beings equally.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear confronting my writing with my professor because of not wanting to be rejected/ have my stuff done more than once, which I see stems from a previous memory of having had a ‘difficult time’ with a photography professor with me wanting to impose my ways and being intransigent toward his observations, which is how I went into defense mode before even listening to the suggestions and actually seeing how it could benefit the work – thus,
I realize that the fear toward criticism stemming from academics is that fear of not being ‘good enough’ to their standards, without realizing that I am only creating this ‘fear’ due to actually not wanting to go through all the stages of having my written work revised and within that, accepting observations and ‘criticism’ that I tend to take personally, leading myself to abruptly ‘opt myself out’ of it/ giving up because of having wanted my writing to be ‘immediately accepted/ unquestioned’ which is actually an ego point wherein I want and desire to have things working ‘my way’ at all times.
When and as I see myself fearing criticism toward my writing I stop and I breathe – I realize that all comments are able to be taken within common sense and in absolute humbleness as the acceptance of one’s mistakes, wherein I commit myself to take into consideration other people’s words on ‘my work’ and within this allow myself to be supple and flexible toward comments that can actually enrich the document beyond my ‘own view/ perspective’ and assist myself within that go break my own boundaries of wanting to always only do things ‘my way.’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that this process will be longer than expected and within this, foolishly enough, postponing it further, pushing it toward ‘more time’ which is absolutely absurd and I see how it is only when thinking about doing it and going into this fear that I somehow simply wished that I could ‘get away from doing this’ at some point, which is actually not acceptable since I have been aware I must do this no matter what.
When and as I see myself pushing the point for ‘some other time’ and postponing it is in fact me creating further consequence in full awareness, which is a deliberate and unacceptable action within the consideration of realizing that this is also my responsibility and priority in my world/ reality at the moment – and that I can instead manage my time to dedicate myself to my daily activities and specify a time wherein I ensure I get this done, instead of wanting to just ‘take one whole day off’ to write it out – which is one option, however not the best one as it is done under the pressure of wanting to get it all done at once, which usually leads to a point of rush that is not necessary within this –
I commit myself to walk this written process point by point, day by day as that is a reasonable point to do instead of ‘waiting’ for one miraculous moment when I ‘feel like doing it,’ which won’t happen as this is a point that I have to actually self-direct in all ways.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become very ‘lax’ about this point of responsibility in my world due to seeing it as worthless yet at the same time, not wanting to admit that there’s an actual fear of me not getting this paper and then having an entire career being absolutely useless and as if it had never happened, which is something that I realize within the context of being in and of this world system wherein we still value each other’s abilities according to institutional paper work and titles that prove one’s credentials in certain professional fields.
When and as I see myself believing that it is worthless to get this piece of paper, I stop and I breathe – I realize this is a key point that I actually have placed aside due to the actual physical resistance to get things done within bureaucratic terms that I have create a resistance to – thus it is to realize that no matter what, I am the one that decides how I walk this process and that I have to get it done and postponing it is only making it ‘worse’ as a thought in my head instead of an actual doing that is physically tangibly ‘done’ – to round things up – and not thought or feared about.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to repeat the whole thing more than once and within this, realizing that this is the main obstacle I have created within me as a fear/ thoughts in my head and it appears in the immediate moment when I see myself wanting to ‘write it out,’ as I have allowed myself to just put it off instead of actually using the time to do –maybe – several versions and ways and find one that is the most suitable of all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use Fear as an excuse to actually not do it/ not move myself and within this building like a China wall in front of me without realizing that it is not real in the sense that it is an actual impediment for me to do so, and that the wall exists as all the thoughts in my head toward this particular task and responsibility to do, wherein I am the one that can actually decide whether I simply do it and walk through all the necessary stages or not, while realizing that there is no ‘not’ option here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make this all a lot worse in my mind as a task to be done than what it actually is, when thinking about it and fearing doing it for all the reasons above, without realizing that all the time spent thinking and fearing it, I could have actually given proper direction to it right away and simply get it done.
When and as I see myself making of this point of responsibility a task that is ‘above me’ and that is ‘too much to do’ within this seeing it as a great immovable obstacle in my head, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am able to decide in one single moment to move myself to open up the document and being writing it out and arranging everything that I have done so far to give it proper coherence, within the realization that I can simplify it instead of wanting to ‘cover all points’ in one go, which is rather extensive to do when it’s not even required at this stage – thus
I realize that I can also support myself to not make of this single task like a ‘will’ that I leave as a final statement that I am surely making a lot more in my mind as if I had to absolutely ‘download’ myself in one document, which I realize it is not a requirement or necessary – thus I stop myself from wanting to make this my ‘master piece of words’ which is rather pretentious and actually becoming another obstacle within me to fulfill my own expectations toward it, which is rather foolish, considering that I am the one that sets my own value schemes of ‘importance’ within this – thus
I commit myself to equalize myself as my writing in all aspects wherein no matter ‘what’ I’m writing, I focus on the practicality and simplicity that is able to be actually understood and lived by another, instead of making it a lot ‘more’ than what it is as a single academic requirement to keep going in life and actually get to live my words written there.
I commit myself to when and as I see the fear of me wanting to postpone and put off the actual moment dedicated to writing the document out, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am the only one that is able to push and direct myself to do this not and within this
I realize that putting it off is obviously accumulating consequence and more seemingly unnoticeable ‘stress’ that affects the rest of my activities throughout the day.
I commit myself to be congruent within all dimensions and aspects of my day to day living wherein I do not leave this one aspect/ task as a loop-hole that I am not sorting out, because I realize that If I don’t move in an equal manner within directing and correcting myself within all aspects of my world and reality, that one point that I leave behind is causing stress and worry and fears that keep me bound to a single point of procrastination as a point. Thus I get myself back to one single piece that walks all points day by day and not leaving ‘one piece behind’ any longer.
This will continue …
Character Dimensions – BACKCHAT Dimension (Part 1): DAY 167
Day 167: After Death Communication – Part 16