Tag Archives: demanding

433. Humbleness and Consideration

 

I want to share about a process of living certain words to correct certain traits like being demanding/exigent, controlling, bossy and authoritarian, imposing my views/my ways onto others in an almost dictatorial way. I had not become aware of this until I started walking a relationship with a person that particularly reacts and/or noticeably dislikes any form of authoritarianism or clear-cut black or white impositions in a way of ‘do-as-I-say-so.’ Therefore of course, upon the clashes in this regard, I was able to see how much I tend to create an expectation of ‘how things should be/ how people should act’ and if this does not ‘match’ my ideal, then I get irritated at it.

Now, the first thing I had to do in order to recognize this is when seeing that I was the only one making a big deal out of a situation – which means reacting in my mind –  and that I had been the only one that assumed/created an ideal expectation of how something would have to be done/acted upon. When talking out this particular clash of me reacting to something being ‘short of my expectation,’ I realized how I had not at all considered the other person, their life, their background, the process they’ve walked in their life and so, in my own head I assumed that he would act/do things in a certain way in a particular environment. So here, upon realizing this as I walked the point with him, I had to ‘eat humble pie’ and walk a moment of stopping ‘making my point’ as in wanting to hold on to righteousness, and instead step down from my ‘horse’ to change my stance toward the situation into one of humbleness and consideration. 

I realized how much I put pressure upon another based on my sudden reaction to an expectation that I had in no way shared or communicated to the other person, nor had I realized it wasn’t a common sensical expectation but it was all built within me according to my mind/my views/ my ways. When listening how the other person lived that same situation in their mind, I realized that my own consideration, my own expectations were nowhere to be seen in that mindset, because they were not  entirely common sensical considerations, but more of an exigency that I’ve learned through ‘familiar tradition’ in this case, which my partner had no idea or reference of.

So, first thing that I suggest to anyone facing a similar situation is to immediately shift from righteousness and believing that ‘my way or the highway’ is the right stance, into practically live humbleness and consideration. This is a directive move to rather hear what the other person has to say, not react in any way to their words but understand where they are coming from, consider their living context, the past experiences that influence them, the lack of awareness or reference of other certain aspects that I did not make a point to share beforehand. I realized how specific I had to be now in order to ensure that I am not the only one having a ‘clear idea’ about something, but that I share about it, cross reference if he is ok with it and if not to work out through the points until we both understand each other and agree to a certain outcome or resolution. In this of course, there is also the process of doing the same on his side too, recognizing what can be improved, considered, practiced, applied in spite of resistances or challenges to do so, considering it is usually something he hasn’t ever lived or applied. So it takes two to tango in this for sure and it’s been rather cool to seeing him do the same as I have described above at times, realizing there’s no need to shout to make a point – this only makes things worse – but speak calmly, as clear as possible and with the firm intent to assist each other to see and understand something.

When deciding to live humbleness in this regard, I realized how many times not only now but in the past I have only considered ‘me’ in my expectations and assuming that everyone else ‘should be on the same level’ as in understanding/seeing the same I do, especially when being in a close relationship. I’ve thus now been continually learning to be more considerate of another’s mind, process, life experiences, patterns when interacting with them, and so realized how much I make a fuss about things in a demanding way, like being very exigent of ‘how this should have been done’ or ‘how you should have acted with x people’ – when in fact, these were all my expectations, my particular ‘quirks’ that I had not even questioned within myself before. So, in a way it was also important to ask forgiveness because I understood how much pressure this also created in the other person upon essentially demanding them to be/do something that they had no idea or reference of.  This also clarified a lot the previous stance where I took a ‘haughty’ position of having been wronged, when it was essentially the other way around in a misunderstanding or lack of communication situation.

I realize how I have this same tendency in many other aspects in my interactions with others, wherein I see something that could be done differently, that I need to ‘let others know’ of in a way to correct them, to show them ‘why they are wrong’ about something. But this is mostly a stance that would come through in an imperative manner, which implies having a starting point and stance of knowing better, being superior or having this idea that others are not capable of doing or handling something. This is all of course only ego and superiority traits that don’t assist others at all, because one gives feedback almost in a complaint-manner, offering no solutions, nor considering the impact it makes on others to come across in a very bossy manner.  

So for example today when recalling this point with my partner, he explained how sometimes I can bring up some facts about certain things he cannot do, and turn it into a sort of amazement in a way of saying ‘how is it possible that you still cannot do it!’ considering that to me it is a simple thing, a natural thing and so expecting that ‘it should be simple for others to do so as well.’ Well, I have to realize it is not. So he suggested I instead assist in that moment to verbalize points of reference so that he also pushes himself to be more aware of the point, to practice memorizing certain things, and so be more ‘here’ and aware of surroundings. I realized how much my remarks – even if my intent is not of ridicule – can be perceived as such, because I am not supporting another, but only pointing out in a sense of ‘amazement’ how something is not yet part of his natural abilities. This is a lack of consideration and so, what I will do from now on is watch myself to not make these unnecessary remarks, but instead turn it immediately into a feedback process where I usually then ask questions to see what is lacking, where is a misunderstanding, how can I assist and identify the ‘weak link’ in the process. All of this done of course in a very humble manner, with the sole starting point of wanting to assist another to develop themselves, not having a high-pitched demanding voice or a tonality of desperation, irritation or plain annoyance, that will get one nowhere in this life when talking to another.

I also just now see that gentleness is the word that also is then lived when moderating one’s voice and pace of words when walking through a misunderstanding, where usually if one fires up, the other one follows. It is definitely cool to apply then this humbleness, consideration and gentleness when communicating to clear up a situation and in essence, be more creative when considering solutions all the time, instead of rehashing the problem in an attempt to blame or keep one’s ‘pride’ untouched. It is mostly lame and even difficult when trying to ‘save face’ as some say and keeping one in this mode of ‘I am right and you are wrong’ it truly leads nowhere but further problems.

Now I enjoy actually the process of recognizing: yes, I realize I fucked up in that moment, sorry about not considering you in this – from now on I will ask you, reference it and ensure I communicate all details so that we both are on the same page on this. I will also share what I see you can also consider to apply, yet not forcing it upon you, you decide how you apply the principles in that moment and what you are comfortable doing.

It really takes nothing but humbleness to do this, and patience as well considering how many times things can repeat, to not get flustered about it, but to apply that consideration, patience and humbleness as many times as it is needed.

Today it was actually great to get feedback on some points he sees that he’s bettered himself at, and the points he still struggles with, which I realized the best support also exists by sharing my own examples of what I’ve walked, and when I haven’t lived something he’s dealing with, I share examples of other people I have worked with/walked with in similar patterns and how they have come to trance-end /transcend certain points in their lives. This is the kind of living examples or ‘living feedback’ that is of most value, to show how change is possible and so be willing to take the time to walk with the person in such assistance, to take them by the hand with care, consideration and humbleness into becoming something that they haven’t yet seen themselves being capable of being or becoming.

Through doing this, I’ve also then been able to be more aware of my tendencies to control, to impose, to be authoritarian and generally bossy. I’ve been learning a lot and I’m grateful for being able to change it in real time and live the difference this makes, how else would I have been able to spot these aspects that exist in me?

Thanks for reading.

 

Don't Be Hard on Yourself

 

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107. ‘If I don’t get enough attention, I stop sharing myself’

Attention Seeker’s Demise and Parental patterns of aloofness

A point of communication with parents is when we try and get their attention in one way or another, when we try and share ourselves and what we find is ‘meaningful’ as a way to spend some time with them. Expectations are built, the moment arrives and all one can be thinking about is ‘please let them like it, let them just for a moment stay calm and quiet, no phones ringing, no distracting chatters, just focusing for some minutes on this.’ However, once a pattern exists within the parent of, for example, being always ‘on a rush,’ there will be little to no patience to watch/ walk something that takes more than the 30 second attention span, eventually going away or finding any excuse to not remain in the moment. Children take it personally and from there a decision is made in anger and retaliation: ‘I swear I won’t ever share anything I do with him/ her/ them again.’ And so we grow up, keeping our stuff to ourselves in such victimized state from that one single moment where attention was not given as the child requested it.

This is a true-story and a repetitive pattern that I disclose here: a broken moment of communication where even words were not required to be expressed, but was just a moment of co-existence in the same room, watching a piece of film that had been recorded in means of slowing-down to reality. Yet existing in that point of expectation to ‘get their attention’ – in this case – my father’s and for him to not be impatient enough to watch this entire video; I essentially set the tone for what would end up being just another predictable ‘walk-out’ of the scene, which I took personally and once again confirming in my mind ‘I won’t share my ‘creative stuff’ with my parents again’ which became a safe way for me to not see how I also was wanting and desiring their attention the way that ‘I wanted it.’

It takes two to tango – however, a message to all parents is that if children are not supported in order to understand how not to take their actions/ reactions personally, consequences that can ensue from such walk-outs are a definitive crack in any form of incipient communication that could have been developing between the child and the father/ mother.

 

“I commit myself to SHOW that PARENTS in fact understand Nothing of PATTERNS and are the Root cause for All Suffering and Inequality on Earth.

I commit myself to SHOW that PARENTS are the PATTERNS that INFACT Create the CHARACTER of this WORLD.” – Bernard Poolman*

 

Self Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for wanting to get someone’s attention to ‘see my stuff’ and in that moment already going into the fear of ‘they are not going to like it/ they will simply stand up and leave/ they will say they like it out of compromise’ and essentially self-sabotaging that single moment of inviting others to see something I’ve done with future projections of failing at getting their attention, which is how and why I have become resilient to share myself, in fear of not being ‘welcomed’ the way that I expected.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to share myself with the condition of ‘it must be praised/ liked/ revered’ by others, otherwise I won’t share it at all, wherein my sharing is not unconditional, but already expecting a positive experience and outcome out of it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how the entire starting point of me ‘creating something’ is and had been mostly in order to show it and be able to be praised about it, or causing an experience within another, instead of allowing myself to just share it unconditionally, with no expectations toward it and a such not taking it personal or judging the fact that people can walk out, not say any feedback at all or simply dislike it and that is still okay, as a I cannot control the outcome and reactions that will be experienced in such moments.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create an expectation toward getting my father’s attention to watch a video that I made and believing that ‘he will love it’ and expecting the best case scenario from the get go mixed with fear of him just not getting to see the whole thing, standing up and leaving, which is what eventually happened – allowing me to then go into the victimized state of ‘he doesn’t want to see what I created’ and making a mental note of ‘not ever sharing anything with him again, he’s not interested,’ and within that severing a point of communication in terms of sharing what ‘I do’ with my parents, creating a rift toward my father and my own doings, deeming my stuff to be simply ‘not relevant’ for him which in a child’s mind translates into: I am not worthy of their attention/ I am not good enough/ entertaining enough for him to remain watching/ I should have done something different to capture his attention’ – which are all backchat statements based on thinking and believing that the problem was ‘me,’ when in fact the reason why he stood up and left is not based on ‘what I showed him,’ but his own personal decision to simply stand up and leave and within this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personal when someone stands up and leaves the room wherein I was showing them something and believing that I simply wasn’t good enough to capture their attention, without realizing it’s not about me or what I do, but a single decision the person made in that moment to leave.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel excited the moment that I was able to capture his attention wherein from this positive starting point, I try to keep the ‘excitement’ and positive attitude on top while actually feeling anxious and fearing that he simply won’t be able to stand/ go through the entire thing, and even thinking ‘if he doesn’t enjoy it, he’ll just stand up and leave,’ which became a reality at the end.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become fully stiff and anxious and nervous while he’s watching because of fearing that he’ll just stand up and leave, which had been a trademark of his, that I actually feared having to experience myself with my own work and sharing something with him.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exist in such point of fear of ‘him leaving the room,’ and eventually manifesting it, confirming my own ‘future projections,’ without realizing how I simply had sentenced myself to my own words and supporting the co-creation of a moment wherein all I became was this ‘hope’ of him not leaving the room, eventually confirming that my hope was not a solution and that he ended up leaving the room anyways.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to get irritated at him for him standing up of the couch and beginning to arrange things, picking up the garbage and dusting off the cushions while the video is playing, only confirming what I was expecting him to do: standing up from the couch, finding something to do around while he plans to escape the scene/ room in a silent manner.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exist as the fear ‘he’s not into it,’ and as such while being nervous and anxious about him eventually leaving, not being here breathing but only becoming this one point of hope and observance that is almost ensuring how things will unfold without having even gone through the actual events – yet eventually experimenting it as we are the ones that are creating our reality according to the words we accept and allow ourselves to exist as.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into a negative experience the moment that he left the room, feeling defeated and essentially declaring that I would give-up on any further attempt to get his attention on my work, which became a sentence that I realized I was in fact just saying out of spitefulness because I eventually realized I could have not taken the point personally.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to in that moment when seeing him leaving the room without saying anything, think ‘I won’t show him anything again,’ referring to my creative work and how I simply deemed in that moment that Nothing I would do would be of his interest, which was a rather all encompassing statement that in no way supports an actual realization of, first of all, not taking things personally and secondly assisting and supporting myself to see how I victimized myself there in that moment, holding on to the grudge of that memory, instead of working it with and explaining how I reacted, why I reacted and as such establish a proper communication that is not based only on short-sentences that generate an experience of ‘I am here’ and as such create bonds that in no way are of actual communication, but instead becomes another protocol type of communication that never really supports children to fully open up, because the father/ mother is not really ready to give its full to do so for their children.

 

Self Corrective statements:

When and as I see myself wanting to get someone’s attention to ‘see my stuff’ and in that moment already going into the fear of ‘they are not going to like it/ they will simply stand up and leave/ they will say they like it out of compromise’ and essentially self-sabotaging that single moment of inviting others to see something I’ve done with future projections of failing at getting their attention, which is how and why I have become resilient to share myself, in fear of not being ‘welcomed’ the way that I expected – I stop and I breathe, I realize that I am being conditional with me sharing myself wherein I am only seeking self-satisfaction as instant-gratification instead of sharing unconditionally without expecting anything in advance.

 

I realize that the only reason why I would want to get someone’s attention is because I haven’t allowed myself to give such attention to myself first, wherein then a negative experience and the choice of not sharing myself ever again comes as a spiteful mode for not having acquired the attention that I initially craved. Who I am as breath here is able to share without any drive of self-interest nor an expectation waiting to be fulfilled – who I am is constant here as the interaction that is able to be directed here as breath without any mind-interference of self interest.

 

When and as I see myself creating a positive experience when I do get people’s attention toward what I am doing, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is me just satisfying the attention seeker character that would have reacted in the opposite manner if such attention had not been given the way I expected – thus I see and realize how my beingness in the moment is/ was defined according to others, instead of me remaining constant and consistent without shifting into further mind-dimensions of self-interest.

 

When and as I see myself defining my starting point of creation according to creating a positive experience within me and within others, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am compromising myself within this very mechanism of positive experience upon expression wherein expression is no longer unconditional, but suiting a particular character that seeks energy as attention to keep existing.

 

When and as I see myself defining an entire point of interaction with another based on a ‘bad experience’ as defined by the ego of the mind in relation to not getting enough attention/ sufficient energy to continue a positive experience, I stop and I breathe – I realize that what I am defining as a point of separation or severing a relationship is in fact a spiteful action taken on by myself as the mind that will now go into the opposite polarity as the negative experience for not having gotten enough attention/ energy to keep a particular character – such as the attention seeker – running. Thus I allow myself to simply continue sharing myself unconditionally without wanting to ‘get’ an experience from another, but simply aligning myself to an equal and one physical stance wherein whether someone is interested in watching or not is not relevant any longer, as who I am is and can’t be defined according to other’s opinions, judgments and experiences created upon my own expression.

 

I assist and support myself to remain here as the physical breath whenever I share myself in any form with others, wherein I stop any expectations of either a positive or negative feedback as that clearly creates a point of expectation that is not required as all that I express myself as in the moment is what I am existing as in the moment – and that cannot be ‘good’ or ‘bad’ or ‘right’ or ‘wrong,’ but it’s a simple mirror and tool of self-reflection to get to know myself and as such support myself to See Me. If from this sharing others can support themselves as well in any aspect/ way = cool, yet it doesn’t define the point of expression in itself any longer.

 

When and as I see myself into the giving up mode of ‘I will never show anything to him/her/ them again’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am reacting according to not having fulfilled a character in my mind. Thus, I stop the self-victimization of deciding to ‘not share myself again’ and allow myself to share unconditionally that which I see assists and supports me – therefore I am the one that is responsible for the point of expression in order to reflect back on it and in self-honesty be able to decide whether this is in fact supporting me or not. I direct myself to self-forgive the moment or reaction if it emerges in the moment that another is not ‘paying attention’ to what I say/ do as I realize that this has been a reason for me to keep quiet/ become isolated, just because of thinking, believing and perceiving that just because someone did not want to hear me = no one ever will.

 

When and as I see myself feeling anxious and nervous upon wondering what others have to say in relation to something I created, I stop and I breathe – I realize that such anxiety is stemming from expecting either the worse or the best and as such keeping me in a friction and unnecessary expectation, without realizing that who I am here as every moment of breath does not require to be expecting the next moment with any experience, as it comes breath by breath – thus any further value given to words in separation of myself here as the physical body must be re-assessed to see how I have defined such words as positive assessment or negative assessment.

 

When and as I see myself going into a negative experience for someone remaining silent when I am sharing something, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I have associated silence with a negative input instead of realizing that being expecting something out of another is already placing a condition in me sharing myself – thus I simply allow myself to share in the moment, without any expectation – yet also ensuring that the message is clear and asking questions if pertinent about it, instead of just complying to the silence and creating backchat about it instead of directing it in the moment, facing what Is see and cross referencing it with the person/ people involved in such moment.

 

I realize that most of the problems and even wars in our world and reality have been built around misunderstandings that, because they were not clearly and directly spoken, they grew into major conflicts that were able to apparently only be solved through wars and further conflicts, without realizing that such misunderstanding could have in fact been talked through and arranged in a way wherein we are in fact able to come to an agreement of what’s best for all. This is thus speaking in general terms of communication and how silence or physical attitudes had become these ‘indicators’ of something not being ‘alright’ – however, we are the only ones that have decided what is alright and what is not alright according to worth and value of the mind, which is how we have made of our reality a polarized concoction of opinions fighting to get on top of each other, instead of considering the physical reality in common sense at all times, which actually simplifies the points to a self-evident correction that can only be neglected and/or deliberately denied if we are only willing to continue supporting the ‘who we are’ as mind systems of opinions, judgments, beliefs and experiences that in no way have supported life in Equality.

 

As a general suggestion it is to assess ourselves whenever we are sharing or being the ones on the receiver’s ‘end’ and check our reactions, if we go into a fidgety mode, or restlessness or plain mind judgment, to get ourselves back here in the physical wherein we can ‘come back to our senses’ and realize that we are in fact sharing a moment with another being that is sharing themselves unconditionally, and that us shoving away that opportunity to do so will create consequences not only within them but as a general statement of separation that we create in that moment stemming only from our own mind-limitation that in no way regards life in equality, but can only create such separation if there is a ego-perspective to defend, a mind’s desire to fulfill.

 

I assist and support me to walk my process and identify such moments in my day to day living, to ensure that I do not repeat this separation within me, nor do I become the one that denies or shoves away another’s expression in means of fulfilling the desires of the mind in the moment.

 

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