Tag Archives: disappointment

505. Why Do We Hate?

Or understanding hate as a way to avoid looking at how we created expectations towards others being or doing that which we desired/wanted for ourselves.

This has been a question that I consider we have all had in our lives at some point and unfortunately like many other ‘darker’ aspects of our minds, we fear investigating ‘who we are’ as hate, instead of seeing that in the first place, it’s not really about ‘hating others’- it is an accumulation of negative reactions that we are projecting towards others that are based on an initial positive experience and expectation that we created towards something or someone. This way love and hate are in fact existing as these relationships that we hold through positive and negative experiences, leading us to eventually have to ‘burst the bubbles’ of the perceived positive in order to reveal behind it all, what is it that we have in fact been projecting towards another as an expectation of what we would like/love them to be and do for us.

“One cannot continue with an illusion like this in relationships, how are we ever going to learn how to be ourselves, to stand on our own two feet, to be individuals, to be independent, if throughout existence all we do is expecting everything and everyone else to be something for us when we’re not even willing to be it for ourselves, I mean how can we even expect it or demand it, or depend on it from someone else if we don’t really in fact know what it really I fact means to be all of those things, that we’re wanting others to be it for us. “Atlanteans # 80, Eqafe.com

 

This quote from an audio about love and hate in relationships very much stuck with me because it assisted me when it got published some years ago, to understand why it is so easy to go from ‘love’ to ‘hate’ or any other negative experiences specifically within a relationship – be it with family, friendship or partnership. And I’ve also had a few people ask this same question to me lately, where we seem to get ‘puzzled’ over the realization that we are experiencing hate, anger or any other ‘negative’ reaction towards people that we had a generally positive relationship with initially.

 

What  I learned from this interview/audio is that in order for ‘hate’ to exist, we first had to create an expectation, a positive ideal about another in a relationship where we hoped that all of what we have defined as ‘good’, ‘desirable’ or ‘positive aspects’ that we wanted them to be, would become a constant reality of themselves and therefore in the relationship with ourselves/with us.

 

And what happens when we see our expectations ‘fail’, that’s where the shift from ‘loving’ all those positive/good experiences comes back to its opposite, which is ‘hate’ or any other negative reactions where one shifts the point of responsibility towards others as ‘blame’ and ‘hatred’ based on not seeing these positive-experiences fulfilled within ourselves, instead of actually seeing the point of self-responsibility that opens up for us to look at, which is to in fact first see what kind of ideas, expectations and ‘best scenarios’ we created in our minds and projected towards another, waiting and hoping that they would ‘change for us’ or ‘become the best for themselves and therefore for us’ wherein, the moment that this proves to be an ‘unfulfilled expectation’, we believe that ‘the other person is letting us down’ or is ‘betraying us’ but in reality, who created the initial positive-idealism towards the potential change of another person? We did, and therefore throughout our ‘usual reactions’ that we’ve accepted and allowed as ‘human nature’ in this kind of situations, we’ve come to see hate as something valid towards another. But I’ve learned that it is not so, because it is an experience that Is being projected onto another, and at the same time I’d dare to say it is mostly representing the anger towards oneself for having indulged into expectations of others to be able to change, which is therefore where we usually don’t want to acknowledge that we did this to ourselves = we created the positive expectation in our minds, wanting ‘others’ to  be all of that ‘good’ for us where as the quote says, we are wanting others to be for us what we haven’t yet been and done for ourselves – and when reality proves this is not so, it’s not ‘real’ then, we hit the wall and create negative reactions to it.

 

This is also very common towards parents where as children we create ideas of what kind of ‘good parents’ we’d like to have and when our expectations are not met, we end up hating them based on not being able to fulfill those positive things we had expected our parents to be or do for us. Of course as children it’s more difficult to take responsibility for this, but as adults it becomes one of those things where we have to acknowledge our collective responsibility in how we have allowed ‘parenting’ to be done and practiced for such a long time, where we all have our stories to tell on how we can see the flaws in it, but we haven’t yet dared to stand up and own the consequences to take responsibility for that which we have hated or blamed our parents for, because it then doesn’t reflect ‘them’ but ourselves in not wanting to be the change for ourselves, to live for ourselves that which we hold a grudge towards our parents for not doing/being for us. And that’s no longer acceptable.

 

Hate is genuinely another tantrum, another way to justify self-pity, anger, disempowerment, victimization where we are not realizing our first and most important point of self-responsibility, which is that of first being willing to look at all things that we have attached a positive experience towards, which we’ve turned into expectations, beliefs, desires that we have projected onto something or someone and maintaining a positive relationship to all of that as an illusion, then eventually has to hit the ground to see the truth of it all, as anything else that must come back down to earth after flying ‘high’ on positive feelings or expectations.

 

In this case, the best thing to do is to self-forgive all the positive expectations and experiences we had projected towards another, to realize and take responsibility for the fact that we were expecting another to do something that they had not even decided to do for themselves in the first place, but that existed as a hope – therefore when we get to see ‘the proof’ where those expectations are not being met and seeing that ‘another has not in fact been that/done that ‘for me’’ we believe that we have the right to hate them. Really?

 

No, there’s no right to it because we can’t ever change another and hatred means only venting out emotional reactions as all the negative experiences that were held at the same time by their polarity points of all the positive experiences that we had projected and expected others to be or create for us… so who in fact is enslaving ‘who’ in these expectations?

 

This also points out how the solution to hatred is not ‘love’ either, because love as it is currently mainly understood stands as the polarity of hatred, as ‘all the good stuff’ that we haven’t questioned ourselves in the first place why is it that we have to live within a polarity of positive and negative in which we trap ourselves in good and bad experiences, while there is in fact a way to live outside of this polarity, and live life according to self-responsibility, self-honesty, common sense and self-creation.

 

The solution is to understand, write out and self-forgive all of those positive expectations we built around another/others, all the positive ideas and hope we projected upon others and so take responsibility for having allowed ourselves to expect others to change for us, to be ‘the ideal’ that we have created in our own minds, even if one wants to justify it as ‘best for all’ for the other person as well, as long as one sees oneself ‘wanting to change, save’ another, we are in fact compromising ourselves, preparing our path to face the love-hate dynamic and at the same time we don’t even realize how in this kind of relationships and expectations, we prevent the other person from truly deciding to change and live in a supportive manner for and as themselves, not for a relationship, not for a family member or a friend.

 

I’ve been in this outflow and outcome many times in my life and as much as I have wanted to justify ‘my experience’ I cannot deny self-honesty and my point of responsibility and self-creation in these positive experiences and expectations imposed towards another, therefore it is essential for me to realize that I am always the origin, cause and creation of myself as this expectation I projected towards another – same projection or expectation that I now have to bring back to myself so that I can genuinely stand as an individual that does not become dependent on another to change, does not condition our process of self-honesty based on an ideal in my  mind to fulfill by others, even if it’s ‘best’ for others, we cannot ever make that decision and live that process of change for another and that’s actually a principle that I’ve known in theory for so long, yet one can still fall for a moment in it and be blinded by the ‘good experiences’ and neglecting to look at the reality behind it, which is always there in the background, I assure you, it takes courage to recognize the truth and reality behind all the seemingly good experiences.

 

Ultimately this brings me back to seeing that it’s not about ‘others’ that we go into love or hate, but it’s always about ourselves and what we imprint as experiences, expectations, desires, wants, needs towards others and how then we trap ourselves when seeing that it didn’t come through in reality, because we cannot ever stand in the life of another to change them or to be those changes ‘for them’ either, and this is why this process is the ultimate individual self-realization, because no matter how much ‘good’ we would like to do onto others, it’s ultimately up to each one to create themselves/ourselves and I would not want it any other way really, otherwise it would be again very consequential to enslave each other based on becoming ‘each other’s crutch for change’ and expecting another to leave the crutch and stand alone, but the reality does boil down to seeing how if we are not willing to be the best version of ourselves for ourselves, individually, we cannot ever be that for another in a relationship – whether it’s family, friends, partnership, colleagues – and this world is built in relationships.

 

I’ve shared many times before how the same happens with hating presidents or politicians and how it only reveals how many ‘good expectations’ we have projected onto others, to be and act in the best way possible ‘for us’ and in that, creating this righteousness experience if they ‘dare’ to not live up to our expectations, but… who created those expectations in the first place? We did, and so we have to realize our responsibility in creating all of the outcomes that we usually Love to Blame others for, yet, we haven’t even looked at why in the first place have we allowed ourselves to polarize our relationship to things and people in this world within a positive and a negative in which we ‘bounce’ from one pole to the other…

There’s no doubt to me that there is so much to learn from our reactions and how they all always can indicate and assist us to see something that we are not wanting to face, to acknowledge and change within ourselves to begin with.

 

That’s how hate is no different to blame and dodging one’s responsibility to our creation, our expectations, our desires that we are seeking to be fulfilled ‘by others’ in our lives – definitely time to take responsibility for ourselves in its totality and as the audio says, be able to be all of that for ourselves  first instead of expecting others to be that for us.

 

Thanks for reading

 

Recommended audio-support to understand Hate and learn to Self Forgive it:

And!

 

Darla 06

 

Join us in our process of Self-Responsibility as LIFE

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464.Changing My World View

Or how I stopped feeding a back door/way out or ‘quick fix’ belief in my reality

 

A continuation on:

454. Embracing Living Potentials

 

There’s something interesting that I’ve noticed not only in myself but through and walking with various individuals I also have the opportunity to assist and support, and that is how much of our own way of looking at thing in our reality, our lives changes as we go walking through our minds which means, understanding ourselves better, getting to know the nooks and crannies of ourselves in terms of how we think, why we experience ourselves in a certain manner in certain situations, what motivates us, what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to fear, to desire, to procrastinate, to hold on to in various ways… it can be endless to get to know us to the T in all aspects. However the more that I’ve gotten to do this and worked through with myself not only to understand me, but to also directly work on changing these aspects, what tends to change as well is the way that we see the world, see our lives and so the way that we experience ourselves in it all.

I can identify with many people I work with where our minds usually tended to look for the pessimistic, fatalist and all-destructive outcomes as a sort of a desired outcome for humanity, believing that it’s the way to do justice to the Earth and Life and all other sentient beings that are not humans. However as much as this could be an acceptable idea, I also had to acknowledge and recognize the fact that a part of me actually was giving up on myself and on everyone else’s potential to change, which translates the whole point of ‘wanting an Armageddon or ultimate self-destruction’ in wanting the ‘easy way out’ while believing this is only fair to Life, that it’s fair to the animals, that it’s fair to nature etc.

Well, once that I understood my own desire to ‘run away’ from reality and justifying it within these seemingly irrefutable facts above, I stopped advocating such ideas in my head and it wasn’t something easy to stop identifying myself with, because as long as I held to my reasons, justifications and blame toward all of us humans for creating the world system ‘as is’ and causing so much destruction and suffering towards what’s here, I was focusing only on the idea of doing what seems right or fair as a form of vendetta that life could take on us, and me accepting it in a form of apparent martyrdom, lol – but more and more I started realizing that I in fact liked to entertain those thoughts of imminent destructions because in reality, I wanted an easy way out of our responsibility that we all hold and have to what is here as our creation, which is this whole world as is.

How do I see that I’ve been slowly but surely changing this approach is based on how I interact with reality. A daily example is how I watch or read news everyday as I’ve shared before in blogs, and how I continually work on not allowing information ‘get a hold of me’ and so driving myself to feed again that self-destructive or ‘end of the world’ type of desire, which became even a sort of experience at an energetic level where a part of me would be really wishing everything to just go wrong and end ‘asap’.

Here what happens when not entertaining those ‘easy way out through destruction’ thoughts any longer and making peace with the realization that: we are not going anywhere, we are here to build the solutions from the ground up, bit by bit, no matter how ‘long’ or how ‘hard’ it may seem, there is like a point of ‘making peace’ with who I am, with what is here as our reality, with what we’ve become as human beings and so instead of continually being existing in friction and conflict towards ‘us’ as the creators of what is here, ‘building my case’ to kind of ‘prove to life’ that ‘we are not worthy as human beings, that we should be eradicated from the face of the earth ASAP’, I have been instead focusing more on seeing where I can start, where do we have to start as human beings to build sustainable solutions from the ground up, and this starts at a very individual level really, which is why I and many others are focusing on this level of self-awareness and so self-creation along with others to understand how is it that as we all go changing one by one, long lasting external changes will invariably also be created as a result of this individual self-change.

With this I am implying how my way of looking at things changed from destruction to creation. I am more grounded and realistic, more ‘here’ in the sense of embracing and accepting what is existent as ourselves, as this world – not to leave it ‘as is’ of course, but to simply stop continually fighting it in a silent yet continuous mode and I can definitely say that this continuous inner fight projected on the ‘outside’ leads nowhere other than procrastinating the real process of self-change that we can start by and with ourselves first. In short, I stopped ‘blaming’ and instead focused more on starting with changing this very aspect of ‘blaming’ and projecting my own experiences onto ‘the world out there’ – self responsibility first of all.

I find it somehow easier to see reality for what it is, to go stopping the judgments that I would usually entertain and feed within the idea of still building a case as to why we are just ‘lost’ and ‘without a remedy therefore we should just cease to exist’, seeing ourselves – human beings – as a cosmic joke, a mistake that should have never been and it is this kind of experiences of disgust, misanthropy in a way and a deep desire to just ‘end it all’ that would continually cloud my view of reality even in subtle yet ever present ways that would be creating this noise for me to not be able to see the potential in me and so in others in a full and crystal clear manner, because there were these constant back doors within me as seemingly ‘hidden desires’ for a ‘quick fix’ really, a way to just ‘end it all’ and not have to face the actual process of learning to recognize and take responsibility for our creation, to understand what is it that we’ve exactly accepted and allowed and so be willing to self forgive, let go of that past and do the work to actually change ourselves to something that we can live with and stand by for the rest of our existence.

Here it’s clear for me to see that one can have the greatest understanding of things and be agreeing with principles and ideas that represent a better outcome for all life, but I saw myself how as long as I held on to these ‘backdoors’ as ‘way outs’ that I still held as something that ‘makes sense’ that is ‘justifiable’ and is an ‘acceptable’ thing to exist within me, I would still eventually exert those beliefs as experiences and judgments that I would project onto ‘humanity’ out there. It’s interesting because I didn’t create a particular ‘personal fight’ against a particular faction of human beings, but all of them/us ‘en masse’ and so whenever doing that exercise where one can bring up the first word that comes to mind when holding in our minds an image of humanity, all that came up in me was an experience I can encompass as disdain, despair, disappointment, disgust, things that represented that part of myself that was not yet seeing the potential that each one of us hold within ourselves, which is of course yet to be developed.

So, upon walking those judgments that would turn into experiences that I would project towards ‘humanity’, I realized how I was only doing what most of us human beings do: blame, being lame in seeing others as ‘the problem’ for what we are experiencing, which as much as I could have reasons and validations for this experience with me based on the, yes, obvious destruction and enslavement we’ve imposed to all life, I had to also realize that there is really no point in blaming as that only keeps me locked into this fatalist experience, seeing no potentials in other beings – therefore within myself – and at the same time, it becomes a comfort zone to not actually change me, challenge me, my views because I believe that ‘I am right, I am making a point with those desires!’ – but that righteousness is precisely what easily blinds us from understanding where we are in fact still reacting, still blaming  – even in very subtle ways – like in the form of ‘doing justice’ or ‘doing what’s right’ yet still holding such experience within me that came from a starting point of giving up, of not wanting to do the actual work and dedication it will take to sort anything out in this world, starting with ourselves.

Therefore, I find it very relevant to check every time that I see myself getting again into that ‘despondent’ experience within me, where I start again building my ‘web’ or my case for seeing ‘no way out’ for us as human beings, which can be as easily as going into the streets and making a mind-decision to focus more on all the things that are wrong, that are consequential, that are creating problems, all the interactions between people that seem problematic and emotional, all the poverty, all the disregard for one another and go building my case as to why it is futile to stand up for any change because ‘look at humanity! It’s impossible!’ Really?

I’ll dare to say nope, it’s not – because I am living this change myself and I am walking it in a very real time process with people in my life that many others could have probably given up on long ago, which is still a process to walk but every day It assists me in seeing what is possible in real time change, only requiring a directive decision and awareness by each one of us to do so, and it’s quite marvelous and I can say for the first time this is not only me doing it in my own life, but also seeing it first hand in the lives of many that I also have the fortune to be walking with in this process and assisting directly as well in their personal Desteni I Process courses.

So whenever I get to feel ‘despondent’ towards the things out there in the world, whenever I get to feel that way in ‘rough times’ I can now use yesterday’s word and remind myself of Hope as an indication that my experience is letting me know there are new ways to explore to create solutions, there is a need to check within myself where is it that I am giving up and so how can I practically create ways through and solutions to the situation I am in or that I can contribute to in the lives of others.

I can therefore openly say that we are the hope for humanity, for real, because we are actively working individually and together in many parts around the world to start one by one creating and sticking to living this self-change that for many that have come and gone, seemed impossible. I definitely can understand all the reasons of why some decided to not follow through with it, I can understand every weakness that leads oneself to make such decisions because in one way or another, I’ve faced those myself in many ways including intense manners as well. But I am also glad to say that those were supportive challenges for me to continually re-affirm my vow to my life and the life in everything/us all – they have been parts of what I can call ‘the eye of the needle’ tests that I’m sure I’ll have to keep on walking through because this is only what is common sensical to do if we are to stand as individuals that can truly stand one and equal to life in all ways, I would not allow half-ways or dubious selves to be part of it.

This is then a realization and sharing of one of  my most tricky, yet ever present, obstacles that I have been able to ‘crackdown’ within myself in the past few months, and it’s quite a lol as well because it’s that which I had become or ‘lived’ within myself to such an extent that I was not even questioning such ‘nature’ in me as this character or set of patterns that saw ‘no way out’ but still found it important to stick to walking this process, while I was still holding on to a part of my easy-way-out ego that preferred to not see potential so as to not have to do the actual work to unearth it, ‘carve it out’, sculpt it and polish it so to speak, which means to actually develop and create something. In essence, diminishing myself in the belief that I could not ‘keep up with’ or be able to stick through the actual process to do this, but here I am going to challenge and prove that self-belief wrong by doing this for real.

This year is coming to an end and as much as it is funny to see people in social media ‘hating’ 2016, I more like understand where that sentiment is coming from, and as much as I could have joined that same charade in older times, I stand corrected with gratefulness for all the various challenges and changes and definitive decisions I took on this year which were quite a few, all of them having their ‘2 cents’ forcing me to look at deeper within me in order to process stuff, to change, which is great I mean, how else could I have gotten to that if it wasn’t for these challenges in our reality?

So, one thing is certain and that is how I definitely don’t see the world as I used to at the beginning of this year, I am committing myself to keep developing that focus on potential, on what is possible, on what can be worked on, carved out, sculpted and polish in each one of us and it’s truly gratifying to do this, I cannot be more grateful than being able to have the trust and confidence of other people walking this process directly with me as assisting them in walking through this same process in a parallel mode with myself, which is definitely not only a ‘one way’ form of support, it’s absolutely mutual as well. I definitely would like us all human beings to be able to do this for each other, to create relationships of support, care, nurturing each other’s lives and having that starting point of being there for each other, genuinely care to contribute in someone’s life to be better in whichever way we can, that’s what to me life is about, at least my current definition of course, but has certainly become one of my living purposes without a doubt.

Looking back to ‘check ourselves’ is cool and to keep a note on all the points yet to be worked on in the following year.

Thanks for reading aaand

Please give yourself some time to hear this awesome episode of Desteni Radio that definitely inspired and evoked this reflection within me today:

 

Desteni Radio # 10 – Joe Goes Mad Part 2: There is no Quick Fix

 

and a great quote from it:

 

Joe

 

If you’d like some support in preventing and being 1+ person that stands up for life in a practical day to day living manner, check out:


409. The Uncomfortable Truth

 

Estamos atados a nuestra mente 07

 

 

One of the reasons why this process cannot be done by ‘one individual alone’ is because we are very prone to creating our comfortable bubble where we believe that ‘nothing is happening, I don’t react, everything’s done, my mind is quiet’ and how else would it be if I remained in my own little world and my own little bubble!’ So that is certainly not walking process. Facing yourself as this world is not only facing ourselves in our own minds or as ‘the world system’ but facing each other as the mind we are and have become.

 

So, here I open up my recent reactions to the exposure of my own truth which is the state of the mind that we all have and how whenever someone dares to ‘show it all’ then I react ‘OH man! how dare that person do that!’ or ‘How can that exist within a person’s mind? which is all backchat that is in fact immediately dodging MY own responsibility to myself, my mind, my judgments instead of immediately reacting to ‘assess’ another’s mind/words/actions/behavior within me as the character of ‘politeness’ or keeping things in order and control, no different actually to how politics operate and I will open up this point of politeness and how it is in fact of course a façade and self-deception that as anything, can be walked through and rather turned into an expression of consideration, instead of a blanket used to cover up that which I ‘don’t want to see/face’ as myself which is essentially just postponing facing the inevitable which is the truth of who we are and have become as our minds, and so to not judge ourselves as the mind, but rather learn how to support ourselves, how to understand ourselves as the mind, how to self-forgive and so walk/live the corrections which is the real direction for self-change required here.

 

The most important thing within this is to realize that taking one’s mind or another’s mind personally is a reaction, it is of the mind and it is only perpetuating the same problem we have co-created because it is like realizing that one participating in one’s mind is like giving fuel to a fire. So, basic point here is also to realize that we’re all in a process and even if one is aware of the tools and ‘knows’ about the principle of self-responsibility, it doesn’t imply that ‘that person is going to take self responsibility’ or ‘is not reacting at all now.’ We are all walking through it and what’s more important: if I react to another and turn it as a point of having my expectations ‘unfulfilled’ it means that there’s a point of expectation that I haven’t really sorted out and a point of reaction toward words/actions that exist in one’s mind behind such ‘disappointment,’ and that because this mind exists within me and everyone, then it is my responsibility to actually take responsibility for it – No more and no less, no matter ‘who’ I believe is triggering an experience within me, I have to be able to stand absolute regardless of what is being said/done either personally or indirectly.

 

I realize that my responsibility does not extend only to ‘myself’ but others as well,  and that’s where I tend to simply think that well, I can ignore the person/situation and not make a fuzz about it – but if the person is already walking a process  and they are already working on themselves to stop the mind, then it is absolutely my responsibility to support another within my possibility and ability to do so,  as that is exactly what I would like and want another to do with myself as well, which is actually what I have lived through these past years of being supported as part of a group walking this process of unveiling the ‘uncomfortable truths’ of ourselves as the mind, that which we have kept secret and ‘veiled’ throughout time.

So here is a self-reminder how everything works in reverse in the mind: we have to be cautious when things seem ‘too stable’ or ‘not much happening’ and instead whenever conflict emerges to be grateful for it as it is unveiling an aspect of myself, of ourselves that we haven’t faced as is the case here.  

 

 

The Human Being, being Sensitive to Discord, Disharmony, Disease – are very easily Motivated to Seek Out the Harmony within themselves as the Equilibrium of Multiple Systems, Interacting within Relationship of a Closed System, as a Balanced Perfection for the Sole Purpose of Keeping the being Engaged at All Times; to Seek the Equilibrium and to Keep the Equilibrium going, and where Mastery will be to become a Master of Love, and Stay within the Geometrical Equilibrium.[…]

This Principle has been Very Cleverly used to Keep the Physical Reality in a Form of Stable Control. With None of the Beings in Multiple Forms Realising How their Existence has been Systemized to be Followers of Reaction and Instinct. Followers of Pre-Planned Preprogrammed Designs, with Rewards along the Way when Equilibrium Spots are Hit within the Map of the Book of Life.” Bernard Poolman

 

 

 

This is the realization that everything that I judge in another exists within me.

 

Character extraction

 

Continuing from:

 

Self Responsibility and taking it All back to self at the individual level.

Based on the usual judgments I have created upon people that I perceive have something ‘wrong’ in them to, for example, be what I have defined as deliberately ‘evil’ or deliberately ‘deceptive’ or deliberately ‘conflictive’ and perceiving myself that ‘I could not stand such individual’ is demonstrating to me one thing only: where and how I have not yet considered such individual as myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from another within the consideration that if the person is too mind possessed, too conflictive, then I don’t want to have anything to do with the person, which is essentially playing what I had criticized in our society wherein those that were mentally challenging to society and deemed as ‘crazy’ or ‘too out of the loop’ so to speak, were exiled and sent out of the main centers of society, as they actually posed a threat to the order, the ‘system’ in itself which I also conceived as a reason to simply not have to ‘deal with’/walk with and actually learn how to assist and support ourselves as individuals that can be mentally challenging when it comes to how we operate in our minds.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become my own denial as in wanting to not face or excuse myself from having to confront/face a part of me as another individual that exists in fact in each one of us that have a mind, wherein when seeing patterns in another that I believe myself ‘incapable’ of doing or not being able to ‘fathom’ them, I go into a helplessness situation toward that point/person/mind that I am in fact then still reacting to within the belief that ‘ I cannot conceive how that can exist in another/ why they say/do things in such ways’ without realizing that who we all are and have become in our minds is essentially the description of being mind controlled, being schizophrenic as in being separated from each other, from our physical body and have become nothing else but ‘agents’ to consciousness, to the mind which we here understand that it has never existed within the principle and consideration of what is best for all because the starting point and origin of our mind was never meant to support our self-realization of being in fact equals and one in this reality and so

When and as I see myself creating a denial/existing in denial based on how I react to another’s mind based on backchat, beliefs, perceptions, assumptions and expectations of ‘how another should act/be by now’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that here I am going into the assumption that people have had to ‘change’ already according to time and process application, without realizing that me reacting to another’s mind possession or patterns is in fact indicating my own patterns, my own reactions that I still have to deal with/walk through which is the whole point here. I realize that it is not about ‘the other person’ as it is all about myself, my own reactions to words/patterns/behaviors that exist within each one of us as mind consciousness systems that even if we know ‘how to support ourselves’ with self-supportive tools, I am here being the proof that going into denial, helplessness, disbelief, disappointment about others is really only about myself that am still reacting to people’s minds, processes and experiences.

 

I commit myself to when facing a person that is in a particular mindset that I have defined as ‘tough’ or ‘challenging’ that I then place myself in the position of understanding which is a practical humbleness that I have to practice wherein instead of looking for someone else to ‘take the ball’ I rather read/hear the person’s words and see how can I best assist and support myself to understand the person and so be able to in turn support another within  placing myself in another’s shoes so to speak – which practically means living humbleness without expectations of ‘what the person should already know by now’ as we have proven ourselves as human beings that ‘lessons learned’ have come and gone and we have repeated the exact same mistakes, which shows then to what extent I have to remind myself that it isn’t as ‘easy’ to change or to expect change from others instead of first working with myself to ensure that I am in fact that point of change and the becomes the living example of how it is possible to walk with and support another as myself, regardless of ‘who’ that another is, ‘what’ they say or how they present themselves as I then recognize and realize at all times that ‘that another person is myself too.’ And this is the essential aspect of facing our equality: nothing of what exists in another is really ‘separate’ from myself, and so

I commit myself to live by the principle of really stopping any expectation upon another, any idea of ‘how another should be/act like/live by now’ within ideas, beliefs or perceptions of who I believe another to be – and instead focus on myself, on actually ensuring that I am not immediately diverting my attention to ‘another’ but to first and foremost focus on myself as it would be kind of pointless to try and ‘support another’ if I am reacting even in the most subtle ways.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to see my reaction as ‘disappointment’ but I realize that this would be like wearing a ‘good doer’ suit wherein it is  perceived as  more ‘benevolent’ to believe I experience disappointment upon myself and others upon who I created expectations about ‘who they are’ but  instead I recognize the ‘disappointment’ as the façade to create a form of victimization, because it’s seen with a ‘better light’ at the eyes of others, but in fact it was just an experience of giving  up, not knowing what to do/how to solve situations and problems wherein I then go into the experience of ‘I do not know what to do/what else to say’ and in doing so, rendering the situation, the person simply ‘gone’ and ‘obsolete’ – which is no different, once again to how we treat mentally ill people in our society, wherein because don’t take the time to walk with them, we simply locked them out, treat them as schizophrenics, paranoids with dissociative personalities and never have in fact taken the time to investigate what they represent as a part of ourselves, as the mind and so to not judge the person as the actual physical living flesh they are, but to simply learn to observe, to recognize the mind for what it is, and so be able to develop ways to assist and support oneself and others to best be able to walk through our mind and to always stick to principle instead of allowing personal vendettas or personal experiences and points taken personal from deviating ourselves from this process wherein for the first time we are doing what has never been done and what we as human beings don’t like doing which is: seeing ourselves as the mind, introspecting, self-investigating, which this includes not only ‘myself’ but also learning how to walk with others, their minds and configurations, to understand how and why they ‘came to be’ who they are as the mind and so never miss the point of realizing that no matter ‘how bad’ or how ‘evil’ I may perceive another, I am only judging another’s mind with my own mind which means that this is a point that obviously exists within me and here to self-forgive.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having harbored throughout many years the idea that because we are in this process, we simply do not ‘intend’ any ‘evil’ against one another, and so in this creating the assumption that because we understand principles, then it’s done, there’s no more frictions or conflicts, backchats beliefs toward one another, but this is simply not so. I’ve realized how much work it actually takes to really integrate this point of self-change and my point here to take self responsibility for is the experience of just projecting my own giving up to another as in ‘not knowing what else to do’ and seeing another as a ‘lost case’ instead of actually realizing that this mind /this person/this situation is actually a gift wherein I am demonstrating and mirroring back to myself where it is that I still have to work with within myself, within my mind, within my expectations and stopping them, within the memories that get activated within me whenever I have been throughout my life subject to any form of another’s mind projection as I see and realize that in the past I accepted and allowed this to affect ‘me’ because I then had no context or understanding of who we are as the mind and therefore

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create the thought pattern of ‘humanity is evil’ when I was in elementary school and I was subject to bullying for being the ‘star of the class’ and have kids stop talking to me or telling me how they were going to ‘defeat me’ and ‘bring me down’ and ‘win over me’ wherein I created an extensive amount of stress, apprehension and general I could say depression at age 7-8 wherein I could not fathom why these kids that were supposed to be my friends, my classmates were ‘getting at me.’ In this, I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into the experience of ‘I rather just not be ‘as good as I’ve been’ so that ‘they’ can have the spot they want and ‘I’ stop being the problem for them’ – without realizing that in this I would have given up on myself and making their words a ‘reality’ as a point for me to make decisions based on what others think/believe/say about myself or toward ‘me.’ So I realized by support of my mother that that was not the way and that I simply didn’t have to ‘listen to others’ but still, this ‘spine’ that emerged from these situations and later on becoming more aware of how we operate toward another as human beings in this world, made me feel powerless toward ‘the evil’ in this world and the actual nastiness and secrecy and deliberate hate that exists between human beings, which is how I then created the experience of being ‘too sensitive’ to these things which is why I then became a ‘hard ass’ so to speak so as to be able to cope better with all of these experiences that I went through while growing up and ‘taking the heat’ of things, while seeing myself in a constant ‘battle’ so to speak, which is why I also developed this mentality of having to be on a ‘defense mode’ most of the times toward those that I perceive are ‘out to get me.’

I realize that this is the modus vivendi that we all have, and that I’m no different to any other individual and I bet we have all created and built up our ‘walls’ of defense so that no one can really ‘get us’ or get to see the actual vulnerability that we all have as human beings, because this is understood as an opportunity to abuse a form of trust, of intimacy and understanding – so I see that because I’ve done this myself, I’ve been there myself, I can then understand why in the mind we tend to automate defense-mode and ‘attack-modes’ toward one another in the belief that ‘we have to defend ourselves.’

The  only thing that requires to be ‘defended’ is who we are as ego, because Life is simply recognized and supported.  

 

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have re-enacted, re-experienced within myself the same experiences of shock, sadness, disbelief and mostly  helplessness toward others such as the memory when I saw my ‘friends’ in school talking to each other’s ears during lunchtime and looking at myself and when I tried to join them, they simply ignored me, which is when I decided that I would have to learn how to be alone – and in this, allowing this secrecy and these backchats and ‘conspiracies’ about me to get everyone in the group to ‘dislike me’ to define ‘who I would be’ toward everyone else which is how I then started developing a constant state of distrust, having very few people as ‘friends’ and generally toward human beings creating this general idea that ‘everyone is evil’ so I could not like or trust people easily, which in a way it was cool as I was seeing the nature of who we are as the mind – but the problem is that I took it personally and I believed that ‘the world was out to ‘get me down’’ and that people wanted ‘my position’ in school/in my life or that ‘wanted’ my life, which lead me to essentially have virtually no friends, specially no ‘female’ friends as I considered that it was easier to ‘get at me’ or get to ‘steal’ the people I liked or my friends – lol which my fear became somewhat true at some point – but I see that this is all just what I have created in my mind, as my memories that I’ve loaded based on that initial disbelief, sadness, helplessness toward others’ words and having taken them personally, and so as a ‘result’ simply managing to become a ‘tougher’ person which was nothing else but the expression I had to ‘pull out’ in order to defend myself and have ‘no one to fuck with me’ which of course is not the solution, as this ‘stance’ of self-defense or being in constant ‘vigilant’ mode also leads us to perpetuate the state of wars within and wars without.

 

So in this I realize that If I am in fact here to embody stability and harmony as myself and toward others, I have to first ensure that I am not conditioning my behavior based on ‘how others act’ and so ‘act as a response To Them’ as this would be then Re-acting, responding, replying, reminding myself ‘who I should be’ toward another based on memories, emotions, beliefs, expectations, assumptions  – all of which is of the mind and all of which I cannot trust when being here with another, reading/hearing/sharing words with another and so in this

I commit myself to ensure that whenever I read something that is directed towards ‘me’ and I perceive it as a form of attack or slander, I stop and I breathe. And I ensure that I am stable and that I am not rehashing my past memories and experiences of ‘not knowing how to deal with this attack’ as in primary school – but instead immediately ground myself within the realization that these words are coming from another mind as part of the mind that I am also existing as, and as such, reacting in any way with fears, judgments, emotions and beliefs is nothing else but perpetuating the problem = not taking self-responsibility for myself, therefore I direct myself then to take into consideration how can I best support that individual and do so the same way I would like it to be done to myself, and actually seeing or ‘reminding’ myself that that person is a part of me that I am here to support as I have vowed to do so for myself in this process.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the façade that ‘everything should be fine’ because ‘there is no conflict’ and as such maintain this belief or experience of ‘everything is cool’ or ‘workable’ and whenever  a point of conflict emerges in my world and reality,  then I go into a form of ‘blame’ toward the person/point that emerged as ‘conflict’ for ‘disrupting the workable/agreeable situation’ which is in fact only pointing to myself where it is that I want to maintain a form of control over how I believe the situation should be, and how even if I have tried to ‘embrace conflict’ there was an expectation of such conflict being ‘solved’ already and so when the point repeats/reactivates I go into a helplessness state as in the belief of ‘this point/person/mind should have gotten it by now’ and so in this actually using  this backchat as an excuse to not FIRST of all look at why have I created such expectations upon ‘others’ instead of first pin pointing the reaction, the experience that leads me to create such backchat in the first place? Why have I accepted and allowed myself to dismiss this subtle reaction within ME and immediately shift it toward ‘another’ which implies a form of righteousness as well: I am right and the other is the one causing the conflict, which is in fact dodging /abdicating my own responsibility first and foremost. 

 

When and as I see myself having the backchat/assumption of ‘This person should have gotten it by now’ I stop and I breathe as I realize that in this I am immediately dodging my own reaction, my own expectations, my own beliefs upon that person/situation and the belief of ‘point being corrected/point is aligned/point will no longer repeat the pattern’ as I realize that in the mind everything that we have become throughout time is nothing else but a broken record where we repeat our same experiences from our very early memories in our lifetime, which I have seen and exposed for myself as well. Therefore I then commit myself to understand the person/situation, rather see what point is emerging now, what point is repeating, why and how can I best assist and support myself first to practice blaming or seeing ‘others’ as the problem, as I realize that obviously no matter how ‘subtle’ these reactions emerge within me, such words when directed as an expectation ‘toward another’ is indicating me that I first have to look within myself and see where I haven’t yet changed/aligned and corrected the point of reaction within myself, which is the whole point here of absolute self-responsibility and taking it all back to self.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the denial of my own secret mind when judging secrecy based on others’ words/actions, without realizing that in this I am once again dodging the realization that everything that goes on in my mind is still somewhat ‘secret’ as in there being no other being but myself in my mind and so by judging/denying/pointing fingers at ‘secrecy’ I am in essence missing out the point that has actually enabled us all to become ‘fearful’ to things like mass surveillance and so forth, which is how we want to ‘keep things secret’ as in hidden agendas where one can still allow backchat and imaginations/fantasies for ‘good’ or ‘bad’ about others which is a form of abuse as I realize that I would certainly not want myself to be subject to or an object of someone else’s mind – so for this, it is to first of all understand that ‘who we are as the mind’ has been the epitome of secrecy, the secret mind as that aspect of ourselves that we have veiled from everyone else, wherein we usually paint a good picture of us while hiding the ‘actual truth’ of ourselves. And so the title of this is ‘the uncomfortable truth’ which is where we believe that we are ‘right’ in our minds, that we are the ones doing the proper assessments, without realizing that when we are in any way judging/blaming/dismissing or denying another as oneself, one is definitely becoming the source and origin of the problem itself, as in the mind nothing can be trusted, in the mind as an immediate and almost ‘quantum’ experience that comes into our physical bodies and permeates our ‘reasoning’ from which we create an immediate response/reaction toward another, is not to be trusted, it is to be actually Stopped, breathed through in order to then assess what is it that’s coming up within me, why am I having this experience in my physical body, and so not attempt to ‘reply’ or ‘react’ to another as a way to ‘prove wrong’ or ‘prove right’ but instead focus on how I can respond in a way wherein I am taking self-responsibility which means that

 

I commit myself to respond to another based on the consideration of themselves as myself, and so first ensuring that I am fully stable, not participating in any experience – and if I was, then I Refrain/stop myself from reacting in the moment – so that I can take the time to assess how it is best to assist and support another, instead of wanting to ‘teach a lesson’ or ‘remind’ another of something that I believe ‘should have been ‘gotten’ by now’ – which is another form of righteousness or superiority when it comes to ‘proving another wrong’ or proving that ‘the point has not changed’ as an excuse to ‘dismiss’ another, which would be like wanting to cut my own arm just because it doesn’t have the strength that I expected it to have, even if I haven’t actually done the necessary work/training to develop such muscle and ensure that I have done all that is required to, for example, have my arm have a particular strength to a particular task or ability in my physical body.

 

I realize that everything that we’ve done throughout our lives in this reality is to dismiss, deny, negate, discriminate, exile, marginalize everything and everyone that doesn’t comply or doesn’t ‘fall’ into the creation of a normalcy which can be of course quite deceptive if not all cards are on the table, which means if oneself hasn’t actually taken absolute responsibility for what one is doing/experiencing/believing and perceiving about others and or the reasons why I would want to not want to see/not want to face/exile or marginalize another within the belief that ‘there is no cure, there is no solution’ which all that comes to mind when writing these words is the image of doctors in mental institutions that keep patients sedated and fully controlled just because we’ve given up on understanding how they got to such mental condition – or with ‘criminals’ that are sentenced to death which is our easy way out in society to deal with our own consequences, to not have to ‘face the dangerous person’ but, really being foolish to not investigate HOW and WHY we have created such mental problems, such so-called ‘criminals’ and why even our definitions of mental illnesses and criminals have been so diminished in our ‘mind framework’ dismissing all of us really that still exist in our minds and that still participate in a world-system where we commit crimes against life as a collective by allowing the starvation and the marginalization of those that we have rendered ‘helpless’ and ‘poor’ and ‘eccentric’ and ‘mentally ill’ and so forth, which are all tags that we create to justify our inability to work with them/walk with them in order to get to point of stability – which, of course, won’t be an easy thing to do, but it is what I would like others to do toward myself if I was in such position/role of being the marginalized, the ‘ousted’ one or the rejected one, as I’ve certainly to some degree have faced such point myself so, I realize that that is what I want for myself and so I have to give it to others that are willing of course to support themselves back, as that’s the essential principle I commit myself to walk here: to support others the way that I would like to be supported myself.

 

I commit myself to stop all assumptions, all projections of ideas/beliefs and perceptions I have toward ‘others’ and ‘who they are’ or ‘Should be’ in my mind, and instead commit to live in the moment where words are assessed in the moment instead of carrying ‘past history’ of a person within myself as a recollection of ‘experiences’ toward ‘them’ to then decide ‘who I am toward the person’ as this is my own conditioning my own ‘program’ that I have to ensure is not interfering with my ability to support another as myself which begins by ensuring I am not tainting another’s words based on the past or ‘who I believe the person to be’ but rather work each time, anew, from the words  in the moment, no past, not future, just here.

 

 

I commit myself to live the word humbleness in practicality within the consideration of others as myself which implies placing myself in the shoes of another, understand ‘where they’re coming from’ ensuring I’m not taking their words/actions/thoughts personally, but that I am able to instead if I see myself able to understand the words, I can most certainly challenge and will myself to support another that I see is willing to support themselves too, as this is how I see that through supporting each other it is easier to face the points and patterns that still exist within ourselves, so this is to not see another through eyes of ‘how changed he/she should be by now’ but to simply work with what is here, no preconceptions, no expectations, no denials, no running away or dodging the point but facing it fully here as it is part of my reality, and that then is of course my responsibility to face as well.

 

I commit myself to live the word gentleness which is a very necessary aspect when it comes to my words and to ensure that I am not in any way creating a defense mode toward another or to prove ‘righteousness’ or want to ‘control’ a situation through any amount of force, as I realize that this is what I have judged from any form of ‘authority’ that I have experienced such form of ‘control’ form, which is nothing else but actual fear that attempts to keep things ‘stable’ instead of facing them and directing them as self – so I realize that in order to live Gentleness  I have to let go of any speck of fear that creates the ‘defense mode’ and so align my words to embody that gentleness, consideration and humbleness to understand another, to support another as I would like to be supported myself and so be willing to embrace all parts of what is here in this world as myself and as points that I require to face if I am in fact to ‘train’ myself to educate myself to support any other person in this world that wants to support themselves back.

 

Further reading:

254. Beautiful Enslavement and Control

 

 

Suggested places to understand more about how to embrace and support the nature of who we have become as our mind:

 

Demonology | Revealing the world of demonsDesteni

 

The History of Desteni and Demons – Part One – YouTube

 

 

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To learn more about how to support yourself and another, share, walk with us and become part of the necessary liberation from fighting against each other and instead, become life:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  


Day 56: Disappointed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience disappointment with myself today based on the judgment that I’ve held toward my lack of self-movement to actually be the most effective and self-directive I realize I can be in my reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an experience of disappointment toward myself based on existing as an expectation of fulfilling within myself a sense of ‘satisfaction’ as the saturation of positive energy in means of letting myself know that ‘I am doing good’ and I am ‘alright,’ wherein I am in fact then only feeding a pattern of ‘surviving’ as the energy of expectations that require to be ‘met’ in order for me to ‘feel good about myself,’ and due to such expectations not being met, I experience a sense of ‘disappointment’ wherein I simply have missed the point of direction that I exist as in every moment of breath to actually physically direct myself and that’s it – but instead, I use such moments to generate an expectation that has to be crushed in order to reveal to myself that existing in such mental projections toward a sense of ‘satisfaction’ can only exist as the mind to feed my own personality of being constantly ‘satisfied’ with myself as energy, as positive experience/ neutral experience of ‘everything is fine’ at a mind level, and not being simply here breathing as myself in the physical.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a sense of ‘lack’ as this disappointment wherein I believe that I ‘must’ satisfy myself/ others as the idea of myself that is linked to this completion/ fulfillment and ‘satisfaction’ as a positive energy-experience linked to completing tasks, linked to being ‘the most effective’ and the most ‘well-done’ and efficient person, which implies that this is all ego-based and not real in any way whatsoever because it’s only existing within the context  of me as an idea of self and future projection to be met –Not existing within and as who I am as an individual that is here as breath , physically realizing the points that require direction and just doing it.

 

I realize that as long as I hold this ‘idea’ of myself, there will always be a gap to be closed as I am not in fact moving the totality of myself in consideration of giving it all that I am in every single moment of breath, due to still allowing fleeting moments of opting/ preferring to do some things over others, which imply that I am not yet the absolute directive principle of myself, but existing as an idea that is pliable to my own set of preferences and needs, which are stemming from actual resistance to do work that is required to be done in order for me to stop looping around the same points, which is useless if I already know the actions to be done: it just requires doing it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘disappointed’ simply because of perceiving that I am not getting ‘enough energy’ to keep me as that point of ‘self-satisfaction’ that is fueled  by experiences, by temporary fixes with food, entertainment, people in my world, casual flirts, looking forward for events and when I am not getting any of this and deliberately stopping them, I perceive that I am in fact ‘lacking’ something and causing me this sense of ‘s.o.s. do something or you will die’ which is only the mind absolutely craving for anything that will give that temporary fix, which is just like existing in withdrawal symptoms after having been so addicted to a mind that will use virtually Anything- from a single comment, word, person’s interaction, a drink, food, weather, people, a scenario, something I read, something I receive from another – and the list goes on – in order to create this sense of ‘I exist for others!’ which is only myself as the mind getting its confirmation of: yes, you still exist as relationships of the mind as your ego/ personality toward others – and in that, believe that I am ‘back on track’ which is Not as the self-stability that I should exist here-as-myself in every moment of breath, but instead that stability is based on the mind’s stability as that feed of energy that I have become so used to experiencing as ‘who I am’ as the mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, for a moment, believe that I could actually be ‘dissatisfied’ and ‘disappointed’ which in fact are only words that indicate that I am ‘not getting enough for my ego’ – as I realize that I am well aware in every moment if I am living as life – here and being absolutely self directive or not – hence being ‘disappointed’ as any other ‘beingness’ is in fact an energy-possession accumulation that I have given a name/ defined according to the types of energy that I’ve been used to getting in the past, and I am not deliberately fueling any longer. In this case ‘disappointment’ implies that perceived ‘target’ as that future projection that I would live up to throughout my life, always having lived to a future moment wherein I would be finally ‘complete’ – without practically having taking the steps to see How I would get myself to such position, which has been part of the ‘fleeting’ and ‘airy’ personality wherein words are not directed and lived, but only spoken with a sense of ‘hope’ that it will happen in any way, just like miraculously.

 

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to realize that it is this same sense of ‘future satisfaction’ that has been the lie we have accepted as humanity to ‘run our lives’ toward that elusive paradise-like happiness and fulfillment, which is only feeding my mind according to its necessary creation of relationships in separation of myself as life, while supporting the same mechanism within the world system to survive as a mind-system of energy, and never having pondered if it was okay to simply be and direct myself with the usual necessary without having to comply to follow such elusive dreams of absolute satisfaction and fulfillment.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I can only be disappointed as an individual experience after having been seeking to ‘meet my target’ which existed as a future projection based on myself at this age and pondering about ‘what am I doing with my life’ and how I had projected myself doing ‘so many things,’ which boiled down to nothing. Yet I see that it was necessary for that to happen as all dreams, future projections and ‘visualizations’ of myself in the future were based and created within the ‘who I am as a mind’ – therefore, all future projections were based upon me wanting to fulfill the ‘me’ as the mind that would constantly generate these ‘dreams’ about the future, to ensure its survival as me continuing fueling the desires, hopes and dreams of such experiences wherein I could finally feel ‘satisfied’ about myself and my life.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I will go through many ‘withdrawal symptoms’ every time that the mind does not get its constant ‘feed’ wherein my life will seem empty and I would create an experience in/of the mind of ‘dissatisfaction’ and ‘disappointment’ upon not getting that necessary energy to continue going, which is the moment wherein I would usually give up on doing something simply because of not getting the same ‘excitement’ and ‘positive experience,’ which is how I would withdraw from such point/ activity in my world and start something else, never completing something to its absolute.  In this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to having kept my mind busy/ satisfied with the necessary attention/ energy to continue existing as all the relationships I have formed with others in my reality in separation of myself as one and equal, wherein only the ‘who I am’ as the idea of self was being fed and supported through this constant ‘feed’ through any of the interactions with others that would verify that I still ‘am’ something for others as the beingness of consciousness, as personality as the ego that is fed through and by the relationships created with others.

 

I realize that I have ‘naturally’ linked these two words ‘dissatisfaction’ and ‘disappointment’ as they both imply me as the mind not ‘meeting its target’ as the necessary energy for me to continue existing as the set of relationships I had created for and of myself ‘in the future’ from the time when I was 16 years old and pondering ‘what I would do in the future’ and ‘where I would be in 10 years’ wherein I created all types of high expectations toward myself based on seeking to satisfy the idea of self as all the ‘me’ that had been a ‘brilliant person’ in school, which I see and realize means nothing as all that which I am has nothing to do with the physicality that is here and cannot be ‘disappointed’ as that is only a  mind generated idea that exists whenever I am ‘dissatisfied’ as in not getting enough energy to saturate myself with attention as thoughts, emotions, feelings and any other form of mind relationship that I had become addicted to, as a single point of self-definition such as a dream, a future projection, a friendship of the past that can in any way ‘get me back on track’ which is the race toward that ultimate fulfillment of myself as the mind as the personality with ego projections of success and fulfillment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from completion as self here, wherein I generate a separation from myself as a mind experience of ‘dissatisfaction’ and ‘disappointment’ the moment that I perceive that I am ‘not meeting my target’ which is mimicking the way that corporations function, always seeking to reach this ‘target’ as the necessary influx of money to keep running the business in a ‘smooth’ manner, while keeping the entire world system function in a ‘mint’ enslaving mechanism.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize how within the seemingly ‘unimportant’ points I am in fact feeding an entire mechanism at a world-wide level wherein my dissatisfaction and disappointment is usually ‘fulfilled’ and ‘overcome’ through buying, consuming and generating any form of relationship for the mind to continue its directive-role within ourselves as humanity, missing the totality of ourselves as completion, as wholeness that just requires to live as self-directive beings in consideration of what’s best for all, which is in this case overlooked and all that remains is that absolute self interest to satisfy and ‘foolfill’ ourselves within the options that people that take advantage of such emotional experiences in human beings have very well studied and prepared for ourselves to get ‘our fix’

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that any moment that I am not Here as life – breathing – moving – self-directing, I exist as some form of lack that seeks to be satisfied in the form of a want, need, desire generated by my mind based on the past and previous patterns of the ways in which I would ‘get my fix’ no matter how ‘small’ it may seem, within this always ‘giving into’ the experience of the mind as disappointment in order to get something outside of myself to ‘get myself back on track’ as the race of the mind to ‘meet its goal’  – within this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to occupy only my mind and forget about the rest of the physical body that I exist as every time that I go into a mind-experience such as ‘disappointment’ wherein ‘all that matters’ is then getting myself back on the ‘track’ within the ongoing mind-feeding game that uses goals/ future projections wherein I keep myself bound to a single outcome that I can fulfill/ not fulfill and define myself as then being satisfied/ dissatisfied according to ‘who I am as the mind.’

 

I realize that the only real dissatisfaction that can exist is having no food in my stomach, not having water, proper living support for an extended period of time wherein the real pains of hunger and starvation are a constant experience for billions in this world, which should make us ponder how we are constantly looking after ‘how we feel’ instead of realizing how within such question I am only considering ‘myself’ in that moment, while in fact adding myself as the other billions seeking to be satisfied as the positive experience of myself that generate – as a consequence – the billions that starve because we live in a reality wherein the opposites are created the moment that only one pole is pursued and sought, which implies that we are directly responsible for every single atrocity as a result of any inkling of positive thinking and positive attitude that seeks to be More within everything we do in the name of self-satisfaction.

 

When and as I see myself experiencing a sense of ‘lack’ as dissatisfaction and in that going into the experience of disappointment as a result of not getting my energy to keep going on, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am simply existing as a mind that seeks for its survival – instead I direct myself to continue being here as breath wherein I see and realize that I must physically will myself to move myself regardless of any incentive, motivation or positive input that I used to be fueled by within my reality.

 

I also realize that there are problems in our reality that require our focus and attention which we are not in any way supporting while getting caught up in our minds – therefore  in order to stop such patterns from existing within us as a whole, the conflict and sense of ‘lack’ must be stopped within me first, to then support others to see how we have created our own ‘lack’ as a system of energy that does not consider life as a constant in-breath and out-breath that can be materialized as giving and receiving in a system of equality, but instead have decided to enslave ourselves to a system wherein because we want to be ‘more’ = we generate abuse invariably somewhere else within this social organism.

 

I realize then that this point of disappointment is only existent as a mind possession that is Not ‘meeting its target’ as that ‘something’ that I would always have as a motivation to ‘keep going,’ because I realize that I have never moved-me as self-movement before, but that I am only now realizing that If I don’t change,If I don’t move = Nothing will change and Nothing will move.

 

I realize that anything that ‘moves me’ is not ‘me’ but my mind seeking any past connection, any memory, relationship and idea of myself in order to fuel myself as an experience which is quite a ‘simplistic’ and easy way to trap myself in and as a mind possession if I give head to it in one single fleeting moment wherein I am not being Here, self directive, breathing and stop the minutest mind-wavering experience.

 

I commit myself to stop the backchat that is indicating that the mind is wanting its fix as the positive experience/ reward in order to ‘keep going,’ and instead realize that this is a physical process wherein nothing will move if I don’t move. 

 

I commit myself to flag point any experience related to ‘satisfaction’ and ‘feeling satisfied’ and ‘feeling alright’ as that indicates that I am somehow generating a positive experience as a necessary fuel to keep myself going as the mind, which is the very ‘addiction’ that I am here to stop for once and for all. I realize that the mind will do anything possible for me to crave my fix, and that I have even experienced extreme physical discomfort whenever I don’t follow through with the desire, which is the necessary pains to stop me from giving into that usual desire and fix to do ‘what pleases me’ but not what I am as a physical being that recognizes the responsibility that is required to be taken by myself, within the consideration of the decision I’ve made to stand up for life – which is not to be taken ‘lightly’ but with actual physical consequences that are implied within me giving head to my own desires, wishes, wants, needs, desires.

 

I realize that I had become used to being a constant ‘feeder’ for my mind, wherein even if I had a relatively ‘simple’ life, I would still trigger interactions, experiences and place myself deliberately in situations wherein I could get my mind-fix to continue fueling the idea of myself as my ego which is the very point and only point of resistance that I am walking through in order to become an absolute self-directive being that I realize I can be and become if I stop walking a middle-path of ‘nothingness’ as a mind that is seeking to be complete, not as an actual nothingness that exists here in every moment that I realize the responsibility that I have committed myself to for/ as life.

 

I recommend listening to the practical masturbation series that have just begun with basic physical tangible perspectives and aspects that we can start considering in our reality which, surprisingly enough, are very linked to the entire mechanism of us fueling our minds with anything or anyone to keep that same ‘ego’ glowing and growing, without us having any resolution to stop due to the pleasure that it represents. It is is vital to also hear the Soul of Money interviews as they explain the sexualization of society as well, as that mechanism to ‘keep us going’ as energy-beings of the mind that use and abuse the physical in order to continue satisfying the ‘who I am’ as the mind, and neglecting/ abusing the physical reality that is here as ourselves, that requires our directive participation within the starting point of what is best for all Life at all times.

 

 

 

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