Tag Archives: dismal

74. “You’ll need to Suffer to make any Real Art”

 

When I was a young around 7/ 8 years old, my sister was in her nationalist era and she had several poster-paintings by Frida Kahlo in her room. Whenever I would go in there I would remain in awe looking at those images due to the content/ expression they represented as a lot of suffering – Frida crying, blood, self portrayals of her physical discomfort and all of these surreal passages that got stuck within my mind. I was actually quite ‘sad’ when she took them down because my mother thought it was ‘too depressive’ to have those paintings in her room, ‘too gory’ and ‘too much of a negative energy’ for the room.

I had not realized how these paintings became a platform to ‘build my expression’ due to the extent that they ‘awakened’ my emotional patterns, the desire to experience the same she was portraying in her paintings, it made me ‘feel alive’ which is how I began to identify that desire to ‘suffer’ and ‘feel pain’ in order to ‘create great art’ like that, and be able to ‘express’ something as meaningful as she did. Of course I got to know her story of actual physical discomfort due to her accident, which I simply used then as a way to think that I had to suffer, create some turmoil in my life to be able to depict it through paintings and get to be ‘as good as she was’ at it.

I began creating these ideas and relationships in my head that I could use to Create what I deemed were ‘similar experiences’ of pain and suffering – this was back in 2003 as I described in my previous post – just so that I could paint something like her paintings. Couple of years later I read in a book a quote that really got stuck in my head ‘True art comes from suffering’ – or something along the lines, and that confirmed my idea that ‘I wanted to be an artist because I could ‘feel’ such torture in my being,’ lol – which was actually built and self-created from a much earlier stage in my life – 7/8 years old – and only confirming that or believing that I had in fact ‘found my place in Art’ when reading such quote 10 years after the initial ‘imprint’ of this desire to create in an emotional state.

And so, the specialness aura goes for debunking through Self Forgiveness.

Pattern: Believing that great art is only existent if it evokes an emotion within me and others

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that art could only be ‘great art’ if it evoked an emotional experience within me and others

 

Self Forgiveness Statements

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be haunted by the Frida Kahlo paintings in my sister’s room specifically because of the suffering, sadness and pain they portrayed, which caught my attention to the emotional depiction of sorrow, pain, suffering as something that I could experience while looking at them and within this, feeling ‘alive’ when looking at paintings.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to develop an attraction to this particular depiction of human emotions through images depicting blood, pain, tears, the human physical body in pain and through that, creating the foundation of an emotional state that I would allow myself to to experience whenever I would go into my sister’s room to look at the paintings.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define myself as being attracted to the depiction of pain and sorrow in paintings, wherein I started valuing images depicting such emotional states as ‘great art’ and within that, me wanting and desiring to be able to paint similar topics to evoke the same emotions in others, the same way Frida’s paintings were evoking within myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to within this fascination/ attraction for the paintings and the experience that I was obtaining from looking at them, start thinking that ‘someday I want to be a painter just like her’ – wherein this single thought became a desire later on as the years went by, which I eventually consummated when opting to finally study arts.

 

I realize that I made that decision from the Experience that I got which was linked to fascination, mystery and a vicarious enjoyment of staring at a painting that depicted suffering/ pain/ dismal view upon the world which I recognized as ‘my view of the world,’ yet it was simply the energetic experience that I was truly drawn to due to and because of the emotional body ‘awakening’ to these paintings and beginning the identification of myself as such emotions, as an experience that I defined as ‘preference’ and ‘kinship’ to the painter, without realizing it was just the mind finding its ‘source’ to generate emotions from a visual interaction with paintings depicting such emotions.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to within this acceptance of myself as emotions, start thinking and believing that ‘I have to be an artist’ because of thinking that ‘not everyone would get the same experiences I did’ when looking at art, which was only due to and based to the accumulation of self-talk throughout the years to ‘find a taste’ on art because of the associations I started giving to Art as a ‘superior human activity’ in my mind – hence using it as a way to value ‘art’ more than any other human activity, to justify my eventual decision to ‘be an artist’ simply because of the curiosity around creation and the Experience that I would get from looking at art, images, video, etc.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to be a painter just to be as ‘famous’ and ‘well-known’ as Frida, because she got to be a world-wide known persona and that’s what attracted me the most in terms of being a famous person.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire creating images that could instigate the same emotional side that I got from looking at Frida’s paintings to other people, so that I could ensure that I could ‘touch’ people through paintings/ images, within this

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be fascinated by someone that was so ‘filled with emotions’ and being apparently ‘mysterious’ as she was, due to her tormented life which became a trigger point for her creations.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feed my mind with thoughts of ‘fascination’ whenever I would be in my sister’s room and stare at the images for quite some time, trying to almost ‘suck’ the essence out of the pain and sorrow they represented and use it as a way to ‘make my own art’ which eventually influenced what I did without me wanting to openly admit it, because ‘hey, I have to be special!’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deny admitting or fear admitting that Frida Kahlo was one of my influences because of how ‘popular’ she is in Mexico and me wanting to be ‘unique’ and ‘special’ as ‘an artist,’ which I thought that when naming Frida as an influence, I would be tagged as cheesy or predictable – hence I kept it ‘hidden’ and always naming any other artist as ‘influence’ just so that I could remain in an apparent ‘safe zone’ of influences and not going for what seemed ‘obvious’ only in my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that Frida’s paintings were a ‘great influence for me,’ wherein the idea of ‘influence’ is still used as a way to not directly accept that I in fact just wanted to be like her and experience myself the same way she did as ‘that made her create great art!’ without ever really measuring what it would be like to be living in constant depression, sorrow and pain as the emotions that I would get and imagine her experiencing when looking at her paintings.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to from the moment of being in my sister’s room, looking at Frida’s paintings, create this ‘special moment’ of me staring at a work of art with a predisposition to ‘get something off it’ as an experience, and the more I was able to get any form of ‘empathy’ such as depression, sadness, chills or any other energetic experience, I would use as a measuring point to say that the artwork was ‘powerful’ and ‘great’ and if I didn’t get any emotion/ feeling from it: I would say the artwork is not good/ bullshit.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to link the creation of emotions whenever I looked at art/ paintings/ music videos and any other image that I could use as a way to ‘feel alive’ through generating emotions and feelings from it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define being emotional and mysterious as being a ‘superior being’ that is more ‘sensitive’ toward the world, when in fact it is no different to any other being existing as the mind, generating emotions and feelings instead of just Living here as breath – within this, I realize that I have pondered artists and creative people that are well-tormented as ‘superior’ because of how I programmed myself from that early age to associate being emotional = being alive, being more aware, being more ‘in touch with yourself,’ which is just another excuse for me to validate my career choice and entire personality as in wanting to be and become ‘an artist.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the judgment of my mother toward Frida’s paintings on my sister’s wall as being ‘too sad and gory’ while making a gesture of disgust as a ‘good idea’ for me to do something that would deliberately vex her, disturb her, which is linked to an entire process that I’ve realized fairly recently due to the Heaven’s Journey To Life  blog how there is this friction relationship with the mother from the time of inception – hence this event was just part of me creating a point of friction toward her, to deliberately ‘shock’ and ‘disturb’ her, as a way to get out of the ‘cookie cutter pattern’ that I thought she wanted me to remain as/ impose onto myself because of being ‘her daughter’ – within this

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to like the idea of me doing something that would disturb my mother in a shocking way, as a statement of saying: I am not like my sisters, I do not have conventional preferences, I step out of the family mold – which is how through becoming the entire ‘eccentric’ role, I fed my self-belief as this art-lover more and more as that meant separating myself more and more from having to continue/ follow the steps of my sisters as what I deemed being ‘normal, ordinary, conventional’ in a derogatory/ inferior way, wherein I had placed the eccentric/ odd/ mysterious/ emotional in a superior place in my mental value scheme toward the world and people.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to from the moment of seeing the shock and impact that images would create and instill in my mother to the point of her asking my sister to take them down, to then use paintings as a way for me to ‘go against her flow’ and create shocking images just for the sake of secretly vindicating my desire to vex and disturb my mother, even if I ‘hid’ most of those paintings from her, even till this day –

 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the entire play-out of events from this moment on defined my desire to paint something that would be ‘eccentric’ and disturbing as a way to make my mother react or be bothered, and get a kick out of it – with no reason or purpose but that initial primordial relationship of mother/ daughter that began from the moment I was inside her womb.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted an allowed myself to choose a career just for the sake of wanting to ‘step out ‘of the mold that I believed I was being imposed with, and in that desire to ‘spite my mother’/ family structure, I opted to study something that represented ‘getting out of the family mold,’ without realizing that the only one I was fucking with was myself, as I would have to live with that decision based on all of these emotional and relationship play outs in my family that I defined myself according to.

 

I realize that the only one that is now living the consequences of such decisions based on experiences is myself, and it has nothing to do with the paintings, the painter, my mother or sisters, but only myself and my own mind as the definition of who and what I wanted to be and what I did not want to be ‘for others,’ not even for myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to within spiting what I perceived were imposed decisions for my life from my mother, I took the ‘opposite road’ in order to ensure that ‘I’ could decide for myself, wherein I simply took the opposite road to spite them and separate myself from them, without actually realizing that the decision I was taking was for me and my own life and that the only one that would have to live with such decisions was myself, and that I was the only one that would have to live with it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that in my desire to ‘spite everyone else,’ I only spitted myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to elevate art to the status of being something ‘eccentric and unique’ which fueled my desire to not be ordinary, to be ‘out of this world/ out of my family mold’ and within that, be ‘abnormal’ from the ‘normalcy’ that I had judged as pathetic and predictable, without realizing that we have all always been predictable as the mind patterns that work in mechanical ways wherein I was never really aware of me when living out those choices, but was only following a systematic pattern of creating friction and opposition in order to establish my self-righteousness over common sense in my life, to only fuel my ego.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to begin painting with the desire to be emotional to have something ‘great’ to paint, and to evoke the same experience in another when looking at it, which is what I defined as what would make a painting ‘famous’ and ‘liked’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to start seeing emotions – in a lesser manner also feelings – as a way to make a painting ‘come alive’ wherein I started believing that the emotional way I was painting in would define a painting s either successful/ not successful based on the reactions that others would be able to obtain from them.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to ‘feel alive’ through paintings, associating this with having to be sad, dismal, depressed and angry at the world, which is how I would allow myself to reinforce emotions through words, pictures, ideas, thoughts, lyrics, books in order to gather ‘enough material to work with’ as an emotional experience that I would define as ‘feeling inspired’ to paint and portray that which I wanted to say in order to leave a ‘mark’ of my emotional state for the world – creating an entire mythology around my own paintings as something special.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that because I didn’t have much to be sad about, I had to start creating my own sad stories and beginning to yearn for love and relationships, as that was another topic that I saw could generate a similar experience of ‘hopelessness’ and ‘dullness’ that I could express through images/ pictures according to how I would go tagging my reality as sad/ dismal and portraying that as paintings.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to talk myself into depression and deliberately triggering thoughts/ using images to create these emotional experiences because I defined that I could only be alive and be ‘sensitive enough’ just like an artist/ Frida, to create any good work of art.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could only create art if I had a ‘broken heart’ or a yearning for a relationship, which are the points that I fueled in order to paint.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to start looking at this world as being damned and shitty, as a thought in my mind just for the sake of making of that thought a painting that could make me ‘feel’ like I as this sensitive person to what was going on in the world – hence making me special in my own eyes and wanting to be special at the eyes of others = the desire to be an eccentric unique being.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to start seeing everyone as sad and dismal and slaves, which became the actual filter with which, till this day, I have been walking in order to not constantly feed the same pattern that I created in order to fuel my ‘creative abilities’ when using emotions as a trigger point for me to paint. This implies that I began seeking for the ‘negative experiences’ as a way to make myself feel ‘better’ about myself and feel ‘good’ whenever I could create with using such ‘emotional states of being’ as a source of ‘inspiration.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe then myself to be ‘too sensitive for this world,’ wherein I simply took the idea of ‘an artist being a more sensitive being’ wherein in my mind, being an artist and being sensitive meant a more ‘evolved’ human being, a more ‘humane’ being without ever realizing what emotions were really all about until now through what we learn and educate ourselves with at Desteni.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to talk myself into believing that I had a ‘gift’ to represent emotions in a touching manner through my paintings/ images/ drawings/ pictures, which became a point that I held on as myself, as if I was special about it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to talk myself into desiring a relationship, instigating any form of problem and friction within myself to have something to be sad, bothered, angry about in order to paint.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe in the sentence ‘True art only comes from suffering’ from Palahniuk’s books that I took on as a creed, and that I used to fuel my desire to have experiences in order to have something ‘meaningful’ to paint, which is how I would judge then what ‘good art’ and what ‘bad art’ was based on the amount of emotions and feelings I could generate/ get from looking at art, without realizing that I had programmed myself to act and believe that this was actually ‘so’ within itself which means: there was never ever something ‘special ‘and ‘unique’ about it, other than my obvious self-brain washing in a desire to be special.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain within the belief that ‘I had to be inspired to create any good art’ which mean ‘I had to be experiencing an emotion – preferably – to make any good painting, and that if I was rather ‘happy’ or in a positive attitude, it would mostly not be a good work of art, but only a spoof of reality.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that the sadder I felt, the better the painting would come out to be, wherein I would deliberately begin painting when I thought that I was sad enough, angry enough to do so.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to continue with this pattern of believing that creation required myself to be in a particular emotional way to generate emotions within others and within that, make of ‘my work’ something ‘great’ due to and because of how I had believed that only great works of art stem from feeling sad, experiencing sorrow and depression, which became a state of being that I deliberately sought in order to ‘make great art,’ without ever realizing I was only manipulating myself in order to fit my own ideal of what ‘great art’ is supposed to be.

 

 

Self Corrective Statements

 

When and as I see myself believing that ‘great art’ is that which is able to evoke an emotional experience within me and others, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I programmed myself this way from the time when I got an experience from Frida’s paintings that became the ‘blueprint’ for me to establish what is ‘great successful art’ and what is not, wherein through this value system I simply accept myself to be an emotional-robot that can only feel ‘alive’ if being ‘emotional’ in any way as a state of being.

 

When and as I see myself believing that being an artist is being a ‘special unique being’ and ‘sensitive’ toward the world, I stop and I breathe – I realize that in art the emotional and feeling bodies are used to give further meaning to just images and things in order to perpetuate the idea of the human being a sensitive creature, which is in no way what we really are as the proof of what our desire and drive for experiences is Here as the consequence of this absolute self interest wherein we can do ‘anything’ jus to ‘feel everything’ even if it means depleting the earth’s resources in the name of a feeling/ emotion, abusing ourselves, abusing life and simply perpetuating a monetary system that in no way is supporting LIFE but only the human as experiences within emotions and feelings that keep us all occupied in our minds and neglecting the reality that is crumbling down every step that we take to fulfill our ‘dreams’ instead of acting and caring to consider what is best for all instead.

 

When and as I see myself being drawn to pictures that depict sorrow, suffering, blood, tears, sadness, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I programmed myself to develop my ‘emotional side’ as the mind within looking at such images, in order to ponder emotions as ‘living’ and equating them to a ‘higher level of consciousness’ due to the belief that I held toward ‘emotions/ feelings’ being the actual ‘core’ of being a human being as in ‘being alive,’ yet absolutely neglecting the consequences that such feelings and emotions had on a physical level in every body, but only going for that rush as the actual energy that I would create whenever I could become emotional, just like a drug that I could generate through my own thoughts and my own images to reinforce such thoughts

 

When and as I see myself believing that I ‘chose my career’ based on my ‘affinity with art and life’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that this was just the result of me talking to myself to become someone eccentric – as I deemed artists to be – and within that, doing everything that I could to emulate the lives of beings that were artists so that I could be ‘one of them’ by identifying myself with their emotional experience and existence, which I defined as ‘living’ and being a ‘more aware being’ which was never really so, but only a highly ingrained belief system wherein I believed that an emotional being was ‘in touch with themselves, ‘when It was only being in touch with the mind as self, but never self aware as the totality of this world – without realizing that artists, just like any other human being, are only infatuated with their own thoughts, imagination, emotions, feelings, which is no different to any other being existing in absolute self-interest and self-obsession – thus

 

When and as I see myself seeing an ‘artist’ with this aura of ‘specialness’ when compared to other ‘normal’ beings, I stop and I breathe. I realize I am perpetuating my own mindfuck toward art/ artists being ‘special’ and ‘unique beings’ which is why I sought to be ‘one of them’ when deliberately wanting to ‘identify’ myself with artists and their lives.

 

When and as I see myself looking at a work of art with the desire to get an ‘experience’ out of it, I stop and I breathe – I realize that the reason why art is ‘art’ is because of reinforcing the emotions and feelings of people – instead I can direct myself to see how I can use art as an effective way to instigate the realization of us human beings being responsible for this world and this Earth as each one of us, which is a more tangible way of using images in the name of Self-Support as Life, and not as mere instigators of emotions and feelings as ‘human nature.’

 

When and as I see myself wanting to make a decision in my life based on the desire to oppose my family/ the world/ ‘normal people,’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is a basic mechanism that I have used throughout my life to generate conflict and separate myself from others in means of keeping me as ‘special’ and ‘unique,’ which is in fact just another egotistical way to ensure that ‘I’ remain special/ unique within the ‘artist role,’ instead I realize that all decisions I make must be considered within the outflows and consequences of the entirety of ‘who I am’ in that moment of decision, taking all into consideration wherein I ensure I am not opposing something/ someone, wanting to ‘avoid’ or wanting to create an experience within me as ‘living,’ – but instead direct me to consider the practical, physical and tangible steps to walk that decision that will be founded upon the consideration of what is best for all life, what is it really required to be and be done in order to establish LIFE in this world.

 

I realize that I had only sought to be and become this profession to indulge in my egotistical personality, my desire to be special and unique – instead of ever really considering what can I be and become in order to be an actual participant that takes on a position within reality to change the world that I judged for so long, and daring to first walk that process myself which is what I am now walking as my own correction to the decisions I made based on opposition, retaliation in my own mind to create a sense of superiority toward ‘the rest of the world,’ trying to ‘not be of this world’ by ‘being an artist’ and creating an aura of specialness around me.

 

When and as I see myself desiring to ‘not be like everyone else’ I stop and I breathe, I realize that this is the mechanism that we all accept as ‘normal’ within ourselves, but is in fact the basic platform from which inequality stems, because such statement implies: I want to be special, I want to be ‘more’ than others – hence allowing an entire system that enables such ‘specialness’ through the value given to different professions and skills that can actually be equalized for all if we stop holding anything as more or less than who we are as one and equal. Thus I see that the equalization of myself as life begins with stopping one single thought as a desire to ‘not be normal/ ordinary.’ I direct myself to stand as one and equal as the totality that we are wherein there can be no more and no less, but only self-expansion from the confinement of a mind that seeks to be ‘above others’ into the creation of a reality that I can in fact contribute to be supportive for all equally, and in that, supporting people’s expression to be artists and create themselves as the individuals that we all can be if regarding ourselves as life in Equality.

 

I realize that the reason why I considered art as some ‘unique’ and ‘special’ activity/ profession in my world, was because of the fame and aura of ‘specialness’ that artists would get, which became my actual desire to be and become an artist for such desire to be recognized and praised as some ‘great creator’ only to fuel my ego and desire for specialness, which stems from an actual inferiority and sense of ‘lacking’ such wholeness/ completion as myself as my physical being, but believing that I had to seek to be ‘more’ than myself as who and what I’ve been and am and will be until I die: my physical body here, breathing.

 

When and as I see myself believing that I can only create when I am feeling ‘emotional’ in any way – I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is the reason why I believe that ‘I do not want to create anything’ just because I have not been as ‘emotional’ as I used to, wherein I have stopped having this desire to ‘create’ because of the link I created between art creation and emotional experience. Thus I direct myself to create without thinking that I require to be emotional/ inspired to do so, which is then me creating as a moment of expression within myself that does not require to be backed by an experience, but can be directed as the moment in common sense = considering what’s best for all as a creation that is not fueled by emotions or feelings, but only externalizing the expression of myself in any given moment that I direct myself to do so.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to get positive feedback on my creations as a way to ‘know’ that I have ‘touched’ them in any way, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am trying to make of art an emotion/ feeling instigator instead of actually supporting myself and others to stop the mind and get back into the physical reality that does not require feelings or emotions to be and exist – hence I direct myself to use pictures, images, paintings in common sense to give them a new meaning based on what life is, what life can be if we all work together to actually create a world that’s best for all, wherein the only role that art can take is the creative process in itself wherein we all realize ourselves as our own creators and within that, being self responsible about such creations in order to ensure that we are in fact considering each other in every moment of creation, and stop creating as a means to elevate our egos –

 

I commit myself to stop any aura of specialness toward art, and simply accept it, see it as any other form of expression coming from a fellow human being that is valuable just for the part of this reality that it represents, without seeing it as ‘holy objects’ or ‘special objects’ in my world.

 

I commit myself to establish the Equal Money System that will ensure that dreams of fame and fortune stop being this constant fuel for the desire to be special and unique within beings, but instead become an actual point of support to ensure that all beings can learn how to express through art if they want to do so, and have no restrictions based on time, survival or any other form of belief of what is art/ what is not art – but simply using materials to create as a way to get to know ourselves through our creations, be able to reflect about reality in a self-supportive way wherein emotions and feelings are no longer in the way but we direct the work to be an actual representation of the realization of who we are as one and equals as life.

 

 

For more support, visit Desteni Forum 

Desteni I Process 

 

 

aversion

 

Must Read Blogs:

 

Read the previous chapters of this exploration around art as a career choice:

Advertisements

Day 44: The Evil Veil of Me

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever pursuit the positive in life and believing that that was ‘the path’ that I had to walk as it would make me be a ‘better human being’ while neglecting the fact that such positive energy was in fact the result of the actual evil as the bastardization of life to energy wherein I made sure that ‘who I am’ as a point of separation from the whole always stands on the ‘positive side’ which I allowed myself to deliberately ‘stick to,’ regardless of the actual inner-experience that would come up when being possessed with anger and obsessive thoughts as a child, which then developed into generating a double experience within myself wherein within the outside I would present an affable and charismatic persona, but in the inside I judged my very own participation as I knew that it was only fake and ‘to get by’ within the standards of society that I always accepted as ‘how things are’ without daring to really question it as to How it is that we were all just playing games of pretending to care about each other.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exert that inner inexplicable irritation toward myself as a child as a gnawing experience that I would then try and exert out as annoyance, annoying others and seeking attention because I did not know why I was experiencing such inextricable physical discomfort wherein I just wanted to peel myself off of my physical body.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to develop obsessions from a very young age wherein I would feed my obsessions with constantly thinking about something until I would get it, and I would then experience the temporary relief of finally ‘achieving’ something that I wanted, only to find something else to obsess about in no time, which is how I became used to being holding on to a future-experience of self-gratification which is how we are currently living as beings that only care about the immediate instant-gratification wherein there is no actual regard for that which we are consuming in the name of such gratification.

 

I forgive myself that I always accepted and allowed myself to believe that through sticking to the positive self-experience I was being a ‘good being in existence’ without ever, ever imagining that this is the actual evil of this world as all the spiritual beliefs and ideas of positive, light and benevolence stem from the very acceptance of that inherent separation of who we are as one and equal, thus becoming a worshiper of the very evil that has leads us to exist in the current state we’re living in as humanity, which is now, more clear than ever, that is taking a toll on all of us that believed that we were ‘on the good path’ of walking with and as the ‘good guys’ while neglecting that in reality, it was the other way around.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to ‘fear the evil’ and react to such word without ever having known that everything we have been and manifested as the consequence of our primordial separation has been evil, pure evil in nature, which then explains how I would constantly hold the thought-pattern about ‘Humanity being evil’ and creating this constant ‘hardening’ experience when being ‘exposed’/ being interacting with human beings as I believed everyone was ‘on to get me’ and ‘against me,’ which explains how retreat, isolation and the desire to simply interact the least possible stemmed from this that I deemed as ‘irrational fear’ – yet it was real as the actual nature that exists as all of us, not only myself and that I can only see and understand it for what it means to ensure that I walk the process to stop any form of continuation to degrade and defy life in the name of any form of energy – whether positive or negative – it is my responsibility to stop all patterns of energy within myself, as I realize that this is the only way that I can give myself back to myself the points that I had initially separated myself from.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever only seek to be a positive-supporter a ‘cheerleader’ when it came to positivity and positive experiences, without realizing that within this I had made of reality nothing else but a chemical reaction that would only make me Feel Good about myself and my thoughts and place myself into this angelic pedestal, while neglecting the fact that the foundation to such experience was stemming from the actual evil that we became the very moment that we accepted and allowed ourselves to be the cause and effect of energy as the result of the desire to ‘experience’ and ‘be more’ than ourselves as equality and oneness, which means that I abdicated the wholeness of myself and vulgarized it to me being and becoming only a single experience that would only continue to keep satisfying itself through generating the same positive experience within the participation with others in reality, using them/ using life as a way to transform it into the necessary crutch for my self elation.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to try and ‘fix the world’ in separation of myself and believing myself to be a ‘good natured being’ when in fact, I was only trying to save my own ass when it comes to realizing that any desire to do good was actually stemming from the fear that I had realized was absolutely undeniable within me, which is how I feared everything that had to do with ‘dark’/ ‘darkness’ and ‘evil’ because I had feared myself as my own ‘evil’ experience/ thoughts/ imagination that I had not been able to communicate with others, because of fearing being judged for having such experiences within me, which reveals to what extent we as human beings experience these type of inner confusion and not knowing how to ‘deal’ with it, because we were always taught to simply ride the wave of experience until it ‘fades out’ – yet not really understanding why and how I would suddenly have ‘evil thoughts’ as a child toward people in my reality, with no apparent reason, which is what manifested that self-annoyance and irritation that I tried to cover up with a positive attitude and being just cheerful, because I knew that that would keep me ‘safe’ from the evil that I actually feared as myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever pursue a ‘light working career’ wherein I would dream of being able to ‘help people’ and make this world a ‘better place’ by implementing solutions that had to do with giving hope, having faith and believing that ‘after all, it all must come down to a positive end’ – which is in fact the problem that hope instills and creates in this reality as a the laxity wherein the real nature that must be worked with through writing, applying self forgiveness and  the Self Corrective Application had been simply pushed down and covered up with all things positivity, which is like trying to build a solid foundation upon a swamp.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever seek relationships as a way to make myself feel better about myself, without realizing that it is through the nature of relationships that our ‘real nature’ was shaped and formed, which implies that creating relationships was an automated way to continue the perpetual desire to ‘be more’ than myself because relationships in themselves already imply separation and energetic experiences created from that moment of separation toward that which we are attempting-to and trying to reunite with. Which means that I had only reinforced separation through trying to connect/ establish relationships due to such separation only existing as an energetic experience that doesn’t consider the actual physicality as the fabric of existence as substance/ as life of which everything and everyone is made of.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deem that everything that was ‘evil’ in this world had nothing to do with me, which was me neglecting my very own thoughts as the constant seeking for power, control, recognition, glory, instant-gratification as a constant ‘win-win’ desire within me, which is the actual core and initiation of all evil in this world wherein ‘who I am as money/ power’ is all that really drives us to want to ‘be something/ someone’ in life, which is Not living but instead agreeing to play the game and ride the ‘waves of success’ that we all comply to live in within this system that only cares to perpetuate such constant fueling of experiences, instead of regarding and supporting life in equality, which is now our duty to establish as a living principle on Earth.

 

I commit myself to debunk any inkling and remain of positivity within me as I walk myself out of the mind and into the physical, remaining as the awareness of who I have become as a result of having lived in fear of ‘the evil’ in me for such an extensive period of time, wherein morality took the place of any form of common sense and in that, becoming a biased being that only cared about listening, doing, being, supporting all things positivity for a while, while having been on the exact opposite, which lead me to a final great confusion within my life that actually lead me to Desteni and that I see and realize is the only way to stop ALL Confusions that we may have in this world when wanting to deliberately stick to the positive out of the actual fear of ourselves, fear toward fellow human beings, because we see and realize that our actual current natures is that of evil that is also a veil that we have created upon ourselves the moment that we accepted and allowed ourselves to live as energy only, as an energetic presence instead of a physical beingness that requires no definition to exist.

 

I commit myself to expose how within our current society and the ‘need’ for us to ‘define who/ what we are’ is in fact reinforcing the evil nature that seeks to have its place of consumption, satisfaction and opposition wherein we become just these lighting bolts that seek to be excited at all times in order to move while constantly wanting to get away from the negative experience and remain in a state of perfect bliss, which can only exist if energy exists – and energy is the very abuse of the physical substance as life that we have used and consumed in the name of our personal ‘power’ and satisfaction.

 

I commit myself to stop the need to be constantly defining myself as an experience and instead, embrace silence as I walk here as breath wherein every pattern of self-deprecation as an energetic experience – whether positive or negative – is understood, seen and realized as a self-abusive pattern as I now see, realize and understand how all the experiences that had no ‘explanation’ before are now becoming clear as a result of us having become the manifested consequence of our abdication toward life/ as life, which perpetuated the ‘who I am’ as that experience of separation which is then what leads to a constant seeking of experience in order to ‘feel alive’ or ‘be someone’ which is only seeking to define ‘who we are’ as that very relationship of separation which must stop here, as I realize that I am perfectly able to exist without using the mind as a constant energetic input onto the physical reality that I am able to move in, walk, breath, eat and experience as an actual moment to moment – instead of future projecting, or remembering or seeking to ‘feel something’ in order to ‘feel alive.’

 

I commit myself to show, how – we have become servants to the Devil/Energy-Authority for ourselves to only WITHIN ourselves manifest our Authority/Godhood unto ourselves, where our existence had become completely internalized and automated within ourselves as Mind/Consciousness – only existing to survive and possess ourselves as Energy; with no substantial living action visible to bring about a change of ourselves within and without.

In this – I commit myself, to through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, speaking and sharing – walk the Visible Action of The Decision to no more accept and allow myself to Serve the Devil/Energy-Authority within and as the Cause/Acceptance of accepting separation, and Effect/Allowance of allowing the relationship between the negative, neutral and positive energies of Mind; but align myself into and as equality and oneness with and as the human physical-body, to stand with and as Life-Authority of and as equality and oneness as what is/will be best for All, as my process of taking directive-principle as responsibility for who, how and what I am in every moment of Breath, and so no more exist in and as the automation of Consciousness that has become the authority over and of me, the physical-body and this physical-existence, but in fact walk in and as Awareness, here in every moment of Breath.” Sunette Spies*

.

I commit myself to continue exposing our ‘real nature’ as evil in order to finally take off the veil of energy that we have abdicated our self-directive power to, and become a being that is willing to walk the necessary time and space to reintegrate myself as the physicality of oneness and equality as Life, as that which I separated myself from in the pursuit of happiness, the pursuit of ‘me as an experience’ as energy, of which now I see, realize and understand has been the very key point of ultimate enslavement that must be stopped with the implementation of the Equal Money System wherein real Neighborism is able to emerge as a new human nature, once that we have all realized that we can only thrive in equality as a group, as collective that is able to decide what’s best for all to live by and simply apply it/ be it/ become it.

 

Desteni Forum for further support with Self Forgiveness and Self Realization of how to live in Self Honesty

Read our blogs at Journey to Life 

No Angels, No Devils – Only Physicality as who I really am.

 

Blogs


Day 4–Lugubrious Romantic

The word implies that which I have identified with before as an ‘artist’ and the usual miserable/ victimized experience that I created for myself within this particular ‘view’ upon life. That in itself implies having a constant ‘filter’ through which I would view the world, with a sense of despair and hopelessness which has taken me quite a while to stop as I participate in my world. It even became like a constant facial expression as if something troubled me, concerned me or worried me too much,  a constant sense of apprehension toward reality. This eventually became part of what I would write, draw, paint and specifically my inner experience while taking photographs, always a sense of ‘nostalgia’ lol – quite the usual personality-fix for a tormented personality.

I watched a vlog that I made on being a ‘visual vicious’ and I realized how much I had resisted facing this point due to the ‘hold’ I created toward it as ‘my personality’ as ‘my specialness’ – which is now here, opened up and ready to be debunked again.

 

The word ‘Romance’ came up at the Forum and I decided to investigate the meaning of it further. I found the following definition which resonated with what I had ‘lived as’ throughout my life, and that I am still walking-through when it comes to a daily interaction with my environment and the experience of myself while doing so.

    Romance:
    a quality or feeling of mystery, excitement, and remoteness from everyday life.

     

And I also found Adam’s blog Getting Down from High to be dwelling around the same point, which I found quite supportive in order to see the ‘value’ aspect that I had given to this particular way of ‘seeing reality’ and cutting the crap of it for the sake of Stopping giving values and seeking specialness outside of ourselves as ‘how we view the world’

 

What had been right in front of me as this spot of distraction and preoccupation had been this unseen and fearful judgement of myself as worthlessness, having visions of validation as something special, this sparkling treasure of the wasteland. – Adam Closs

 

I really laughed while reading this because that’s what I became when seeking anything to ‘beautify’ through my ‘glorious eye’ by taking pictures of something, and I would go through phases of regret when not having a camera with me while seeing something that ‘would make a great picture.’ Then this goes with the thoughts of being able to share the pictures on my photoblog and having people writing poems over it, lol! That’s how it worked some 5 years ago. I have diminished my obsession with ‘capturing moments’ by taking thousands of photos,  however the experience that I created around looking at the world and everything around me with some sense of ‘awe’ became quite ingrained in my reality. This would be a constant experience within me wherein I would solace to see the world as something that could ‘drain me’ and ‘overwhelm me’ – essentially seeking sublimation even by seeing a ‘beautiful sunset’ every day. I remember – and I have shared this experience before-  how I would be amazed at a particular time of the day where the sun shone upon some weeds at the farm, something similar to this:

 

 

and I was walking with Sunette before horses in that moment and I let her know how I would experience myself while seeing the whole landscape, how I would experience that ‘glow’ on the plants as something overwhelming somehow. She explained to me how I could simply ‘be here’ as the flowers, as the glow, as the entire moment without creating an experience about it. And that was a very cool lesson for me in that moment to see I had created a point of separation by adding judgments to ‘beautify’ and place more ‘value’ on plants according to the time of the day and how the sun would shine upon them.

 

I actually had two moments during the same day – two days ago – of wanting to have a camera with me as I went past a dead rat and a dead black cat on the sides of the road I usually walk around. In that moment there was a desire to ‘take a picture of it’ – it became so ingrained within me to want to ‘take a picture of it’ that I had to literally force myself to continue walking and stop staring at the dead animals while thinking ‘I can go get my camera, but there’s not gonna be enough light then’  and I simply decided to let it go, I had to say to myself: ‘alright, I let it go’ and in my mind there’s like this ‘nooo!’ because of ‘missing out a great shot’ – yet it was cool to actually let the moment go by.

 

It was also interesting to see how when I was on my way back, the rat had been squashed open, which made me ponder ‘if I had taken that picture, I would have gotten the perfect shot without all the viscera and blood pouring out, and one with the ‘aftershock.’ I kept walking and gave a second and final glance to the cat lying on the side of the road. I mean, who created such an obsession to take photos in such a compulsive manner? I did! So, I am physically letting go of that desire to ‘capture it all’ – otherwise I would have thousands of pictures as that desire to engulf reality into a series of two-dimensional picture representations that have never equated the actual sight and reality of it. One picture won’t ever hold the actual essence of the moment, which is always here, as ourselves, and doesn’t require to be held for posterity charged with some nostalgia in it.

It’s quite interesting, I just wrote a blog about validation and this ‘value’ that we seek for in any other way than life itself. This mechanism of wanting to ‘capture the moment’ is certainly a way to ‘cherish the moment’ which is how I would define taking pictures to be. Making something ‘more’ than what it is by my ‘godly act’ of taking a picture of it and pondering it for others to see.
Now, this doesn’t mean that that has to stop obviously, but it’s definitely cool to debunk this entire perception of reality and simplify it to share it for what it is and stop all experiences around it.

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in arrogance and spite by committing myself to and as my own judgement according to my own world of energy and self-interest.”  Adam Closs

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever accept and allow myself to define me as a visual vicious

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to preserve, capture and ‘cherish’ a moment by taking photographs in order to satisfy the experiences that I have created and separated myself from while diminishing a moment of life, here as breath, to a single energetic experience of ‘fulfillment’ within the frame of ‘who I am’ as having a particular curiosity toward that which I see in my reality, not realizing that the moment that I stop breathing and go into a desire to capture it, I am separating myself from that which I see and use it to get an energetic fix that satisfies my senses within the definition of who I am and have become as – I see resistance to say it – a romantic, as that experience of excitement when encountering something that is ‘out of the ordinary,’ creating a energetic experience that I tend to cling on to, in order to ‘make the experience last.’

 

I realize that I have separated myself from that which I see and that I can only create a point of specialness toward that which I see according to me valuing life in separate ways wherein what I see can be ‘more’ or ‘less than’ according to how I have ‘rated’ my reality according to aesthetic values in separation of Life as who I am

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever get pissed off at art theory classes when talking about beauty and the sublime and believing that they were ‘raping reality’ by placing it into categories according to the human experience imprinted onto reality, as that which is here, without realizing that I was still living this point as myself when wanting to capture certain points of my reality from the starting point of glorifying it and having others glorifying it and perpetuate the eternal mindfucks we have created and imposed on to life as our own mind-frames onto that which is unconditional life-expression here.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imprint my own desires to generate an experience in accordance to that which I deem ‘beautiful’ or ‘overwhelming’ as the experience that I have allowed myself to trigger from seeing and observing the reality that is here, that I have separated myself from in the name of becoming only the ‘eye’ that observes, that defines, that categorizes and that is able to generate an experience out of it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to experience aloofness and wanderlust whenever  I would go walking through a certain place and environment while holding my camera, which would validate my experience of being excited and with a sense of mystery in relation to what I would find to take photographs of, encapsulating the entire event as part of my own ‘mystical experiences’ that I generated within my mind throughout my life.

 

I realize that I am in fact separating myself from that which I see the moment that I create an energetic experience that I allowed myself to become addicted to whenever I am interacting with everything and everyone in my reality, in any given moment, and seek for ‘the perfect framing’ of it as a photograph in my mind, without realizing that this can only exist as a quirk that satisfies the personality that I created for myself as the ‘romantic observer of life.’

 

I realize how I am making more of something that I have literally separated myself from, that I am mental-i-zing it by ‘making it beautiful’ without actually considering the relationships that everything and everyone – including nature, the animal kingdom, the environment – are currently existing as in order to exist in a particular way, which is certainly not nice, not pretty and is rather abusive in all possible ways to create an experience out of anything that we See.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having become infatuated with creating experiences out of seeing a sunset, seeing a dead animal, seeing the seemingly ‘ugly’ and trying to make it ‘special’ which can only be an overall and full-circle mindfuck, as I am the one that is judging and creating/ making of them something ‘more’ than who I am here – as breath.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having desired to create a point of specialness within me as having this ‘particular way of looking at life’ and creating a ‘sensitivity’ toward it as a mind experience wherein I would feel excited and whimsical when being in an environment wherein I wanted to engulf reality into a two-dimensional picture in order to satisfy my desire to ‘own’ the picture that I see through my eyes, not realizing that this is in fact me wanting to ‘ponder’ it above everything else in this reality that I have separated myself from.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to reinforce this particular ‘view’ upon life which is creating an experience of excitement and bewilderment and acting in a whimsical way as to identify myself as ‘someone special that sees life with a different view’ which is what became props for my ‘artistic ego’ and that I used to reinforce the personality and idea of myself as being somewhat ‘gifted’ to be able to take photographs and show to others that which would be seemingly trivial for the majority of people.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and construct myself as the idea of someone that is ‘different’ and ‘special’ for being able to find ‘pleasure’ in the seemingly trivial instances in our reality, without realizing that such pleasure and bewilderment was created within my mind to reinforce the idea of me being ‘eccentric’ and ‘out of this world’ and ‘special’ by being able to see that which others seemed to overlook all the time.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop my personality as the ‘moment capturer’ to such an extent that it is able to drive myself to do anything possible to fulfill my obsession to capture a moment, wherein I completely miss the awareness of myself as my physical body, and become an energetic experience that seeks to be satisfied up until the moment of having it in my memory card, ready to be shared with ‘others’ to get the necessary confirmation that validates what I see as something ‘beautiful’ or ‘special’ or ‘great.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse what I see in the name of my own ego, which is how we have abused and depleted each other in this reality by getting an energetic experience from others in the name of our own pleasure and excitement and satisfaction, without realizing the actual nature of that which we see as ‘beautiful’ which is only a label that we have created in order to have something ‘ugly’ in this world. It is unacceptable to continue being life-taggers, in separation of everything and everyone that we interact with.

 

I realize that for me to continue stopping my participation in creating an experience out of seeing dead animals to take photographs of, I must stop my participation in the idea of me being able to find beauty where others see ‘morbidity’ and that whenever I see myself reacting/ creating an experience when encountering a dead animal or anything else that ‘captures my attention,’ I stop and I breathe – I bring myself back to the physical and do not allow myself to create an experience, a judgment and opinion upon that which I see. Instead I embrace it as myself, I amalgamate as my physical body to not distract me from keeping breathing, walking, doing and in that, stop the rush and seemingly uncontrollable desire to ‘capture the moment.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever experience resistance to let go of this idea of being ‘the artist’ that sees life in a ‘different and special way’ which is only part of the personality that I used to seclude myself from the Actual events and Actual reality that is existing here as suffering and continuous abuse, while indulging myself in these ‘fluffy’ experience that I dared to create out of that which would be usually deemed as ‘morbid’ or ‘macabre’ and in that,

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the experiences that I create within my mind out of that which trigger a point of preference and identification as the personality that I have built, existing with ‘particular preference’ that never considered that all that is here as life is me – one and equal – and that I can only ponder something and create an experience out something or someone if I exist in separation of myself, as-it as well.

I realize that the only moment that I exist is here as breath, and that taking photographs is a possibility for myself as long as I do not create an experience that enhances my self-definition as the perceived ‘specialness’ and ‘weird’ preferences that I created and enhanced throughout time in order to be ‘eccentric’ and ‘out of the ordinary’ by taking that which would be seemingly morbid and wanting to make it something beautiful

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having created a fascination with death to the extent of using the moment of breath as life here in order to create an energetic experience out of seeing a dead animal, that which is in decay, that which is rotten, that which is deconstructing. All aspects are points that I have used to define ‘who I am’ and ‘what I alike’ which is controlling the way that I see, judge, define and value the reality in separation of myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to defend my voyeuristic experience of the unconditional expression of life and the dead by saying that ‘I see beauty where others don’t’ lol which is quite a statement of the glorification of ‘the eye of the mind’ as being ‘beyond’ how others see reality, without realizing that I am the only one that is separating myself from that which I see through filtering reality with this romantic view on life and the physical reality that I am equal and one to.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a fascination out of that which I see, including that which would usually be terrifying like the shape and form of an atomic bomb, the gigantic waves of a tsunami, the smoke from explosions, fire burning down the woods, water flooding an entire city, tornadoes devastating areas, demolished buildings, old houses, death people on the highways, dead animals on the pavement and anything that resonates with death and destruction alike in a visual way.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually experience resistance when realizing that I must let go of this fascination for decay which is an aspect that many people experience, yet  we don’t dare to express that it actually ‘turns us on’ in a certain excitement and ‘sublimation’ when looking at it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever create a ‘pleasant experience’ out looking at something that is usually considered as repulsive when it comes to death and destruction.

 

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to overlook this experience within me because of deeming it as ‘not relevant’ to who I am, without realizing that it actually comprises my constant ‘state of being’ when I exist as the eye of the mind that seeks for these experience in every corner that I go looking at while walking and interacting in my reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to degrade a physical experience of myself here as life, into a mental experience within a mix of emotions and feelings wherein I am in fact separating myself from that which I see and make it ‘more’ than myself in that moment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seduce myself to take a picture of something from the starting point of an experience, instead of actually realizing that I can take pictures without having an entire personality and energetic experiences loaded while doing so.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value something as ‘special’ when it is usually not considered as such within the general terms and preference of a ‘majority,’ which implies that within these ‘particular’ and ‘bizarre’ and ‘weird’ preferences, I created a deliberate antagonism to that which is usually/ generally deemed as grotesque/ macabre and disturbing, which is part of the entire personality I created as a way to go ‘against the flow’ in means of separating myself from ‘the rest’ and ‘elevating’ myself to a point of specialness according to ‘how I see reality,’ without realizing that it is the exact same mindfuck as anyone else that seeks beauty, love and happiness. I would get a kick out of tragedy, death and destruction.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to enhance my energetic experience by using images of this reality as a point of ‘artistic stimulation’ which is usually called ‘inspiration’ which is just a preprogrammed piece that I separated myself from to be constantly creating a sense of ‘bewilderment’ about life and death, and every other phenomena in order to make it ‘more’ than myself, which can only exist as a mind experience within me.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to get ‘high’ on that which I see in my every day living when deeming it as beautiful and special and ‘great’ in the visual sense of my experience toward this reality.

 

I commit myself to stop all mental separation and experiences created from the mindfucks that I have accepted and allowed myself to create in the name of my own experience, singling myself out as in being able to create a pleasant visual experience out of that which would usually not be considered ‘pleasant to the view’ at all.

 

I realize that all of this is just part of what I have created within myself in order to keep me distracted and entertained in my mind, no different to anyone that solaces on love and light or gets intoxicated to experience ‘the world’ in a different way. I realize that I have done this every time that I accepted and allowed myself to shift the reality of the physical moment into a mental-experience of feelings and emotions within myself.

When and as I see myself being fascinated by the sight of a dead animal on the road, I stop and I breathe – I realize that it is only me and my desire to reinforce the idea of myself as ‘liking such sights of life/death’ as a preference that is activating the entire personality as the ‘lugubrious romantic,’ that I am in fact able to stop to not recreate an experience out of it and get a certain satisfaction from, without realizing that it is the ultimate egotistical creating of myself as ‘an observer’ and seeing myself as detached from that which I become fascinated by, which a form of vampirism that I have created while masking it in the name of art and beauty and ‘creativity.’

 

I realize that any experience or judgment that may come up at the moment for me having to realize what I have found pleasure on, is absolutely unnecessary – I forgive myself and I am able to let go of it, as I commit myself to simply stop all delusions in my mind projected onto that which I see as my physical reality.

 

I commit myself to stop all infatuation and fascination to that which I tend to become obsessed and completely ‘taken over’ in a single moment that I define that which I see in my every day living as something that I could ‘take a picture of,’ and completely forget about realizing that such desire to keep ‘memories’ is quite the function of the mind to continue reinforcing the definition of myself within a limited personality as ‘the artist’ with a particular ‘tastes in life.’

Wtf are ‘tastes in life’? Only layers of mental-delusions imposed onto life. Unacceptable.

 

I commit myself to realize that the only point I can allow myself to define as a creative experience, is not to become a voyeur of life, but become that which considers the actual relationships and reality of everything that I see ‘outside of myself’ and instead, look at how I have separated myself from that which I see and how I can become that which is able to manifest a world wherein expressions no longer drive our ‘human curiosity’ as a desire to make something ‘more’ than the rest by my own mind, but instead consider the actual expression that I am able to equalize myself-to when stopping the mind and simply allowing myself to be here as breath as I go seeing reality, regardless of how I have ‘tagged’ and categorized that which I see.

I continue the commitment that I’ve been walking in stopping the ‘visual vicious’ that I have accepted and allowed myself to become, and actually consider that creating an experience out of seeing dead animals is a preprogrammed fascination with ‘death’ that I accepted and allowed to drive my creative-expression with to reinforce an idea of myself as liking that which is ‘macabre,’ which is only abusing the same unconditional expression through categories as preferences I created within my own mind.

 

I commit myself to actually honor all life equally which begins by me stopping creating experiences from that which I see in separation of myself, and instead walk a process of integration – not separation – from that which I see to start considering how I exist as such expressions and how I am able to consider their actual experience as part of this reality, which is far more constructive in a best for all way, rather than solacing in experiences when looking at something.

 

To read further on other points I have walked as this particular personality suit check out the following blogs:

 

Vlog:

2008 Visual Vicious

 

And Adam’s blog: Getting Down from High

deadfrog
Dare to See  (2011)

 

Further support on Self Forgiveness:
Bernard Poolman: Day 3: Resistance to Change

%d bloggers like this: