Tag Archives: doomsday

248. Are you Depressed about the End of the World?

What comes after we become aware of the current state of this accepted and allowed levels of destruction, annihilation and death everywhere as an outflow/ consequence of our accepted and allowed lifestyle? Self-Experience of all of which I have walked throughout these past blogs: helplessness, worry, dismay, concern, preoccupation, sadness, suicidal thoughts, wanting to ‘give up’ whatever we are doing, hoping to just die and end our experience here, hoping to end suffering through praying/ wishing/ chanting for change?

 

Continuing from:

 

I was washing the dishes this morning and on the radio comes ‘Give Peace a Chance’ and one is for a moment embraced by this ‘heart-felt song’ that reminded me of the entire documentary that John Lennon and Yoko Ono made in relation to their days in bed in a Hotel in Montreal, wherein they made this ‘pacific statement’ of make love not war – and the moment shows how people were gathered in that hotel room chanting and getting all emotional with their nice vibes and intention to ‘give peace a chance,’ lol. I mean yes, one can understand that coming from any of us that has never experienced what being a ‘casualty of war’ implies or being directly sent to ‘fight a war,’ creating a nice positive experience as a way to prevent it might seem like an adequate thing to do – but did anything change from any peace and love moment? No, if only it only lead to further dissociation of reality through the use of drugs as a temporary ‘ailment’ to ‘cope with reality’ that has become more like a worldwide crisis when it comes to seeing how many people are on drugs – either on a legal/prescribed or illegal manner . Now that we see and realize that what’s ahead within our human lives is not going to be nice or pretty, I’m sure that many might be going through the stages of planning/ plotting a ‘way out’ of the Earthly scene.

 

I want to share here just a single consideration, which is why suicide/ giving up was a discarded point for most of us that would get initially overwhelmed with the realization of who we are/ what we’ve done/ what we’ve become and simply thinking that it is just Too Much!

 

When I began reading/ hearing  Desteni, it also implied getting on a daily basis a lot of videos from all types of documentaries that would show/ reveal the abuse in this world. I at first had to ‘play strong’ and watch them all – this included of course basic education on how the monetary system worked and some basic conspiracy theories to learn how to discern reality over schizo-media frenzy. Of course I wasn’t used to being Aware of the reality of this world, as I had spent those last years focusing on reading about religions, spirituality, the occult and everything that seemed like a ‘nice thing’ to divert my attention from reality with, I was living in Hope I can say, definitely.

So, when reality hit the door along with Desteni, I went into an emotional turmoil wherein I spent almost one whole day manipulating myself with thoughts and crying because it was apparently just ‘too much.’ Was I in fact in such actions being responsible in any way or was I only focusing again on MY Experience only? Of course the latter is the correct point. It was a non stop point and I was travelling so I made a show of myself weeping throughout the whole trip from the moment I left home and went to my home city, it was endless drama – of course also then my family started saying I should ‘stop seeing all of that’ just because of how I made an experience out of becoming aware of the absolute destruction we’re imposing on Earth.

 

I recall that moment as a manipulation point because I got to be aware how ‘feeling bad’ for the things that go on in this world is only again going into a Mind-Emotional experience that serves no other purpose but as another distraction from what is HERE and what I have to actually focus on, which is stopping participating in my emotional and feeling outbursts that were actually created out of me Thinking about destruction, Thinking about depleting the forests, Thinking about Animal Abuse, Thinking about all the filthy corruption that is governing our countries, Thinking about the gigantic plaster in the ocean, Thinking about all the species that are going extinct every single day as a direct effect of our consuming-producing civilization. Did me Thinking and crying about this made any difference? No. And I certainly recall going past the mountains in the bus and just bursting out crying again, lol, it seriously was a tear-jerking mind possession, I have no other words for that and after I cross referenced it back then I realized that I had made only a Show of myself, and manipulated me into ‘Feeling Bad’ about the destruction in the world, going again into hopelessness/ helplessness, wanting to just ‘give it all up’ and seeing no future.

 

What’s interesting now is that even if I am and continue to be aware of the destruction, depletion going on in this world, I realize and have integrated within myself that generating any form of experience is truly only In My Mind and that it is only Self Interest to do that – Anu explains it flawlessly here:

Reptilians – Am I Real – Part 37

Now, I invite you to check out our constantly updated Facebook Group wherein all of the reality-show of this Earth is being presented through the latest Human Endeavors – now, how could I just ‘cry’ upon that, seriously, if everything we’re doing within this world is based on absolute self interest wherein anyone creating an Experience about the state of the world would be the definition of hypocrisy, really.  (For further understanding on this word, please read:  Day 39: Hypocrisy

 

Link to Facebook Group here:

Capitalism vs. Equal Money

 

Once you’ve read through the posts you’ll be in tune to follow through with this blog wherein   we’ll keep walking the self forgiveness on this self-experience in relation to How we are destroying the world, the animals, all living species and still dare to become emotional about it, feeling sorry for ourselves as humanity, feeling depressed/sad/anxious which will certainly not stop the oil from being pumped into your car, will not stop children from being raped, murder, sold, abused for profit and deviant pleasures, will not stop animals from being sold, tortured, used and abused for any form of profit, as well as for mass consumption to supply our ‘genius’ fast food lifestyle, will not stop the air from being polluted in faster than sound-like lifestyle that is fueled by oil all around, will not stop the slaves building our gadgets from having to work illegal amount of hours under pressure or even committing suicide as a way out of their personal hell won’t stop mothers from having to abandon their children for not having food to feed their newborn, will not stop a person from opting to go to war as a means to save their families/ get some money from such a mindless job, won’t stop people from consuming precious items that come from the most heinous ways of abuse upon life, won’t stop people from shooting themselves up with drugs or bullets to ‘escape reality’ as that would be quite similar to us becoming emotional and feeling hopeless and powerless to do anything about this world.

 

See the point?

For a moment I suggest you look at the information that’s being presented through the news, see if any reaction comes up and Self Forgive it, for example if you react to watching the documentary in an emotional way, you can apply the following self forgiveness:

Garbage Island: An Ocean Full of Plastic (Part 1/3)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel absolutely worried and anxious about the plaster of plastic on the ocean and feeling helpless about me being able to do anything to stop/ solve the problem, without realizing that me being/ becoming sad about the manifested consequences of our current ‘lifestyles’ is not going to solve the problem, nor will it enable use to be empowered to fix the problem – thus, I breathe and stabilize myself to rather continue informing about what is going on in this world, investigating how I am directly involved and responsible for the current situation in our world and How I can become part of the solution.

I commit myself to stop living only as a victim of our reality and instead, stand as a self responsible being that is willing to face the consequences we’ve all manifested in our reality as a consequential outflow of our current lifestyles and consuming conditions and within this to realize that I am part of the solution through directing myself to take responsibility for myself, my mind and my reality.

 

Visit Equal Money System wherein a recent goal has been added that reads the following:

Goal: Stewardship

Within an Equal Money system it will be recognized that Humans are a part of the Ecosystem they live in. The word ‘eco’ stands for ‘home’ – and thus, each human will be responsible for maintaining the Balance and Harmony within their home, within their Ecosystem. This involves the Monitoring of the Well-Being of the Plants and Animals within one’s Environment and to Intervene when Disharmony occurs as a result of Human Impact, so that a new Equilibrium can be established.

source: http://equalmoney.org/goals/16-stewardship

 

If anything, one should seriously have the courage to listen to what Animals have to say about ourselves as species, it is the most humbling walk through what we’ve become and within that, we might get a bit over ourselves and focus on the reality of the things as the actual process that must be walked to realize to what extent we have separated ourselves from what is HERE and what is REAL and certainly what we are missing out while living in such conflictive ways between our mind and physicals while waiting/ hoping/ dreaming about the world to end or suddenly be renewed. Rather stick to reality and what is actually here as a result of our negligence – give yourself a Self Awareness Gift to enjoy these ‘numb’ days where everything seems to be about giving further products with no other purpose than continuing the same capitalistic mechanisms of consuming-being happy –repeat again, rather support Life:

 

I got no particular suggestion, rather pick an animal that you like and hear what he/she/it’s got to say, all are equally ‘enlightening’ to see what we’ve become, what we neglect and how we can fix the problem  for sure.

 

Now, that is what we can all begin applying already, becoming aware of how Money has being a factor that has lead us to neglect the basic balance/ harmony between humans and the Ecosystem, that implies all living beings in it.

 

Within this, we can see that there is actually a lot to do other than giving up and throwing ourselves out of the window – so to speak. There is no point in wallowing since we will have to get up/ stand up anyways, and even at death, there is no way out since the process that we are going through is existential and no one is truly ‘out’ of this in any way – if any, process in the afterlife is most consequential as many beings have been able to attest in the Life Reviews at Eqafe and here a real nice wake up call I suggest you give to yourself after reading this blog and realizing that you in fact got all the potential to become part of the solution:

 

Further support:

Desteni Forum

Desteni Lite Process – Free Online Course

Desteni I Process

Equal Money System

 

Blogs:

 

Must Hear Interviews – along with the Animal Reviews –

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245. Sublimity and Ecstatic Self Experiences

 

When looking at the sublime and the end of the world relationship, there’s more of a physical  effect of the energy as an experience that I would participate in wherein the usual ‘setting’ was me listening to some music and painting that which I would get an entire energetic kick out of, finding my own ‘mysteries’ which weren’t mysteries but simply a way to keep myself waiting for something to happen that could change this world for better or total destruction.

To me total destruction made more sense according to what I was witnessing in our reality and as such, probably generated a fear in the first place toward this, later on turning it into a fascination that remained as part of my ‘topics’ and recurrent themes wherein I stated many times that I didn’t know what else to paint but the dread, suffering, destruction and all the usually seen as ‘negative’ aspects of reality, that’s probably one of the reasons I decided to study art, because I thought there was something very important to say with regards to making visible that which is usually feared, never really looking at how the experience in itself had become my actual excuse and justification when doing it, because there weren’t any actual ‘skills’ in the formal way of looking at ‘art,’ but just a desire to express – this is the point of separation here.

So, through my decision having been based upon energy as an experience I came to ‘enjoy,’ I became an energy junky for all things dramatic, gloomy, somber, macabre, lugubrious, destructive, decay, etc. This is part of the energetic experience that I exist as whenever I am not here simply breathing, it became ‘me’ to a physical extent that I would not be aware of how the totality of my physical expression was denoting this ‘dread’ and ultimately existing as a point of victimization, a ‘loud cry’ for some form of help, absolute drama and self-pity without ever considering I could simply support myself, take responsibility for my so-called ‘sadness’ and constant melancholia and focus on living, or actually learning how to live for the first time.

Throughout this process I have stabilized myself tremendously with regards to this constant ‘self-experience’ I’ve described above, that would veer toward seeing everything as too fucked to have any form of solution – I decided to stop being so full of myself and instead begin supporting me. I have managed to stop depressive moods as a ‘constancy’ within me and whenever it comes up, it is an experience that doesn’t last that much, because I cannot fool myself that easily any longer to ‘think’ myself into an experience, which is awesome but it is in fact a constant self dedication to Stop participating in energy and it’s like me for a moment talking to myself in relation to who I am in the moment and talk myself to get up and keep going.

 

When I am painting I am not creating any emotion any longer, it mostly actually serves as a point to just focus my attention out of words for a moment, there’s not a ‘longing’ for it since last time I deliberately thought I ‘wanted to paint,’ I realized that it was mostly the longing in itself that I was participating it, and it’s the typical experience wherein once you got what you want, you don’t want it anymore, because it wasn’t the thing/ activity/ moment or sometimes even the people themselves that we actually want to experience ourselves with or in, but only the constant friction and conflict that this ‘unattainable desire’ creates as a point of distraction and mind preoccupation.

 

Hence we are entering the realm of pictures and sounds as music. Now that’s the freaking nitty gritty stuff I haven’t dealt with as much, because of not knowing how to ‘deal’ with applying self forgiveness on the energetic experiences gotten from points like talking about the end of the world, listening to ‘overwhelming music,’ and watching anything that would make my body get these absolutely overwhelming chills which I defined according to me being a more ‘emotional person,’ which as I have walked in the past blogs, it was just another way of giving myself more of a ‘humane’ credit other than being  just a ‘smart/ intelligent person,’ that I didn’t want to be categorized as.

 

These end of the world paintings would be part of my ‘unspoken’ self-discourse  that I would mostly only paint but not speak about it, except for that time in high school that I participated in heated debates about it, lol, defending 2012 at all cost while arguing with my English teacher.

 

So, how I created this energetic ball of energetic experience:  I found the ‘right soundtrack’ to be listening to while doing my creations and voilá it became a constant element, even when taking pictures, always headphones on and looking reality as a movie I could glide through, focusing on my own dread and self-experience because, as any energetic experience, it doesn’t matter if it’s positive or negative: we become hooked on any energetic experience.  And so, me being ‘hooked on emotions’ meant cultivating this constant self-view of life that was later on placed into paintings, hence the emotional attachment/ experience that I wanted people to ‘feel’ as well, and you know that entire dribble of art and emotions…

 

The sublime experience at a physical level, it is that type of excitement/excitation you experience throughout your physical body – sometimes it is like the usually called goosebumps, which I had asked specifically in relation to Godspeed’s music – which wasn’t only me since other forum member also asked about the same song and the same experience – which then made it clear that it was a usual systematic experience according to how I had defined such music to be. What were the emotions then?  This overwhelming experience that becomes just like any other energetic experience turns out to be quite addictive, hence the constant listening to such music wherein I had no regard to stop such energetic movements, but simply went on, fully believing that it was in fact me reacting with such overwhelming experience.

 

Now, I have practiced breathing throughout these chills that come up every time that this experience emerges automatically  – and this would be no different to when I would participate in me being in a mindset of ‘end of the world scenario’ and just being sad and gloomy for what the world had turned out to be – all of this self-interest as self experience obviously.

 

I remember when I was very little, it was around 91-92 and we were outside the house and people were into this hype of UFO’s being visiting and whatnot, and as we were looking up to the sky I experienced what I thought was extreme cold, but no, it was this quivering energetic sensation that we can call goosebumps/ chills and it would get to a point wherein I would quiver inside me. I have felt the same experience in any other point of absolute fear that I have even called attraction or fascination for something. This explains very well what this ‘overwhelming’ experience at a physical level actually is: an actual energetic experience. And, I must say that the reason why I became a music junky was precisely because of these experiences that I thought I liked, but it’s mostly due to all the energetic experiences I have added to the entire setting: painting/ thinking about all the death/ destruction and decay and listening to that music. This is how it became quite a ‘energetic cocktail’ of experiences that I cultivated within me: we got the thoughts, the emotional experience and the sounds becoming a single ‘atmosphere’ that I would experience as a form of individualized trance – it is no different really to simply being high on happiness or any other energetic experience, however it is my responsibility to be able to equalize myself to such experience that I had not really taken on because of actually lacking understanding on what this experience as excitement/overwhelming experience that I could define as ‘sublime’ experience – for a lack of a better word – was actually really about: just another point of fear turned into a fascination.

 

 

Self Forgiveness in this Sublime energetic experience:

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the experience of absolute fear as a point of fascination in relation to imagining and thinking about ‘the end of the world,’ wherein I believed that I was in fact enjoying thinking about it and constantly representing it through paintings and mixing it with music, without realizing that in this, I was only creating my own points of energetic experiences that I aligned myself to as a form of pleasure and delight, which is the ‘sublime’ experience wherein all that I would exist as is an energetic experience, a thrill and chills that I came to define as an enjoyable experience.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to get hooked on emotions as an enjoyable experience simply because my life was too plain and I required some form of friction, conflict and excitement that I could create in a certain way –thus in this, using the point of creativity and music as a way to generate emotions and feelings so that I could exist as a mind experiencing itself, instead of me having been simply present within and throughout these creative explorations that I could have breathed through and express as a physical movement without thinking about it in order to FEEL something as an energetic movement which I believed would make the expression Real.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had to Feel and become emotional to do any form of expression, simply because that’s what I learned from others: focusing on the ‘feeling’ of the expression which I then fabricated in my mind in relation to painting that which would cause any form of experience within me, hence the nature of the paintings being allusive to the end of the world, just because of how I had programmed myself to fear and then create an excitement about such end and represent it through painting and music creation with several emotions that could point out a negative emotional experience that I came to enjoy.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to reduce my expression, limiting and defining it according to the amount of energy as a physical effect that I could measure, wherein the more ‘excited’ or energetic thrill I would get while creating it along with the music, the thoughts, I would consider the expression to be more ‘real,’ and as such consider the opposite: the less I would get an energetic experience as an internal satisfaction of excitement while painting or after having finished, I would consider that I wasn’t really successful in my creation or that I was lacking some form of inspiration, wherein

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define dread, depression and a general negative emotional experience within me as the perfect state for creation, which comes from the beliefs that only through suffering and being experiencing a certain dread and negative experience about oneself could one be ‘genuine’ in art creation, which was the reason why the immediate words linked to art creation were emotions and feelings as expression.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my self expression as emotions and feelings and believe that they were indispensable components for me to express anything in a True manner/ way.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that the true-me was actually only existent whenever I would access such overwhelming experiences that are even called ‘sublimation,’ as in almost having a spiritual revelation – not realizing that this was all me talking myself into the energetic experience as ‘my expression’ wherein the physical reality of myself was not really taken into consideration at all, hence

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberate direct myself to participate in activities that I defined as ‘real’ and ‘true’ such as art creation due to the emotional experiences I was able to experience through me talking myself into such experiences that would stem from a point of fear and then transformed into some constant depression, woe and dread about life that I came to embody as a constant self experience for quite some time.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to enjoy experiencing this ‘sublime experience’ that is actually a lot of fear that I turned into a fascination as the ability for the mind to actually benefit from me participating in such ‘sublime experience’ and recreating it through painting, hearing music or writing about all things miserable such as destruction, decay, death, end of the world, my own ‘sad and lonely’ self experience, which became my own Doom as a constant mood that I believed was ‘my nature,’ without realizing that I was limiting myself to a single energetic experience defined as negative and that was it, I didn’t investigate it further but simply accepted and allowed myself to cultivate it instead from the starting point of believing that Feeling and becoming emotional were ‘vital signs’ of being a human being and a more ‘humane’ one.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to have an overwhelming energetic experience through listening to music and/or painting, taking pictures/ video wherein this personality that rejoices in all things ‘gloomy’ and somber and destructive is simply me existing in an actual fear toward those points and turning the fear into an enjoyable experience in order to be able to have a form of ‘control’ upon it apparently, without realizing I have never in fact been in control but only develop ways to be able to confront it without a sense of ‘lack of control,’ which is how I became ‘comfortable’ as an experience to things that would normally be seen as disturbing to talk about such as death and destruction, and self-destructive emotional experiences.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to actually neglect the fact that I did fear the end of the world, but because of such fear being so prominent, I turned it into a fascination and into my personal recurrent theme/topic so that I could confront it within a ‘controlled’ sense of enjoyment toward it, just so that I could feel ‘alright’ when talking about it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make of death and destruction a usual ‘fascination’ for me to talk about due to how my father was supportive of these thoughts about the occult, mysteries and prophecies which pissed off my mother pretty much, lol, and as such, making of death and disturbing thoughts and experiences my fascination just so that I could create a point of friction and conflict within her every time I would bring them up in discussions and get a positive experience/ kick out of it, of being able to generate a fear within another from them fearing ‘the end of the world’ or ‘prophecies’ or ‘aliens’ or ‘crazy people’ for that matter, wherein I seconded my father to step on my mother’s nerves for the sake of joking around.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a ‘positive experience’ out of something that would usually be feared just to generate – again – this sense of specialness for me desiring and wanting the world to end while everyone else seemed to fear it and even dislike talking about it, within this

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make of ‘the end of the world’ my personal fascination just because of how it would seem as an avoided and disturbing topic for others, which is how I also sought to make myself ‘important’ and ‘unique,’ because of believing that it was then some type of powerful statement to shock people in any way because through them reacting to what I did, I would reinforce my beliefs of being on the right track in relation to me having ‘something to say’ through art, even if back then it was only death and destruction without any further understanding or comprehension of how we were all collectively creating it, regardless of creating an experience about it or not.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ‘enjoy’ strident music as perpetual piercing sounds just because of how disturbing and ‘bizarre’ they were, wherein the more specific and unique my tastes were, the more ‘special’ I would be in my mind in relation to the general likes of people, which stems from my desire to ‘not be ordinary’/ be special/ be authentic or relate to the least ‘common people,’ that could also be within the same mind frame of looking at ‘others’ as strangers and normal/ ordinary as a lesser definition and instead, wanting to be singled-out from the crowds due to these fascinations, likes, preferences and self experience of enjoyment toward the seemingly dark and negative just to get a positive reinforcement to my personality as ‘a rebel’ or antagonist in my reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate an immediate empathy to anyone that dares to present themselves as that point of challenge toward what’s socially acceptable and desirable, simply because of the amount of shock and disturbance that this can create within other human beings, and as such, making of this ability to create any form of shock my personal satisfaction of being effective in ‘what I do,’ wherein I believed that my expression had to cause an experience within another and that such reaction would mean my self-experience was genuine, within the belief that emotions and feelings was the ‘truth of ourselves’ as our mind.

 

This happens very often, lol in fact I just read something that was rather sarcastic and laughed about it and then realized that I would have wanted to ‘defend’ the person for saying something that was ‘not supposed’ to be said/written within a certain context, so this is how I came to support people that would go ‘against the tide’ just because of the shock value they represented within other being’s lives and reality, in essence creating empathy toward those that would play out the same mechanism I supported within myself.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to come to enjoy this absolute overwhelming energetic experience as goosebumps whenever I would be painting and listening to music that I’ve defined as ‘end of the world music,’ be overwhelmed by the absolute noise and encompassing sounds while Thinking about ‘the end of the world’ as an absolute destruction, which I now see and understand was my ‘little heaven’ of self experience just because of having the background of people around me mostly not liking to talk about death, destruction and the end of the world, thus creating my own mindfuck as personal fascination stemming from doing something ‘non-conventional’ such as rejoicing in thoughts of death and destruction.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I desired the world to end, not realizing that in any form of desire there’s a fear and that in my mind I created a fascination toward everything that I actually feared: I feared facing everything that I would paint within the ‘end of the world’ scenario and as such, I would paint that which I wasn’t willing to admit I feared, turning it instead into a positive creative self experience.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a likeness toward the music that I would also experience as a general fear due to how overwhelming the sounds were, mostly of prolonged intense acute frequency and strident sounds wherein I can say it definitely works at a mind level to produce this disturbance within my being that would be experienced as chills/ goosebumps and linking that to a pleasant experience within me, without realizing it wasn’t really that I liked it, but made myself believe that  I did.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a positive experience in my mind out of an actual negative physical energetic effect on my body, wherein I would turn it into a fascination and enjoyment while in reality the body was actually being consumed in order for me to have my exciting experiences of death and destruction related topics.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make of pain a pleasurable experience wherein the thought of death and destruction would cause a nice/ positive experience at a mind level, as something that I thought I liked but in fact it was actually absolute fear that I was experiencing and a such I never in fact was supporting myself within any energetic experience that I believed I liked. I see, realize and understand that All energetic experiences are detrimental to the physical body and that participating in this energetic experience to even then believe that I actually wanted the world to end, without realizing that it was the idea of the world ending which I attached to an overwhelming exciting experience, but I wasn’t really wanting the world to end nor was I in fact measuring in any way the consequences that such event would entail for all living beings. Thus

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts of everything and everyone just disappearing/ being obliterated by some supernatural force that I wanted to experience and participate in, just because of how I realized the extensive overwhelming experience it would be, wherein ‘overwhelming’ is linked to seeing red skies  – which I have also created a fascination toward – as the usual depiction of a perfect end of the world scenario, without realizing that this became a general ‘kick’ for my mind to rejoice within this pleasant experience that was in fact fear due to me thinking about ‘the end of the world’ when looking at red skies.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that my body was enjoying the music and responding with such absolute ecstatic experience of feeling goosebumps and quivering, without realizing that it was in fact the energetic compound of all the thinking processes that would lead me to experience fear about this absolute destruction that I would either paint or enjoy looking at in pictures as the usual cloudy red skies and some form of civilization destruction.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to continue experiencing this overwhelming experience in a constant basis simply because of believing that such goosebumps were a sign of me enjoying/ identifying with the music somehow, not realizing it was simply me having linked this to an actual fear that turned into a fascination as in me actually being overwhelmed by the sounds and thinking that I was enjoying this in fact

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that it was okay to be attracted to that which was mostly sad and gloomy as self-experience, just because it becomes as addictive as happiness and positivity – I realize that I simply played out the opposite pole due to how I designed myself to become the exact opposite of what was ‘agreeable’ and ‘acceptable’ in my reality, within this becoming just the pillar that creates conflict and friction in order to generate more energy only to satisfy myself as my own mind.

 

I realize that these ‘sublime’ experiences have become aesthetic categories just because of us having accepted and allowed our emotions and feelings as humans beings as ‘who we are’ and some form of ‘human nature,’ without ever having actually investigated How such energetic experiences were formed, how are they produced and created within our physical body and the actual effects and consequences it creates from participating in such experiences throughout our life experiences.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to believe  me to be special for ‘feeling the music’ so much that I would get these goosebumps as physical reaction of the energetic experience, without realizing that it was so due to all the thinking, the images and general fear that I actually created toward such strident sounds that reverberated throughout my being and accepted this as a form of ecstatic self-experience, without questioning what I was in fact doing to my body every time that these experiences are generated.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect my own physical body every time that I would allow myself to experience these chills as ‘thrills’ and as a form of self enjoyment, without ever really investigating or becoming aware of the nature of the experience, wherein sometimes even my stomach would hurt due to the extensive participation in ‘keeping the wave on’ as in keeping myself ‘riding the experience’  just for the sake of my own ‘pleasure’ that I never really experienced as the actual pain it is.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not identify how I would get the same overwhelming experience every time I would go into absolute fear such as fear of someone trespassing the house, or being mugged, or being walking alone at night on the street – these would all cause similar experiences within myself that I never questioned, but simply allowed them to be and exist without making the necessary links to see how the so-called pleasure was actually fear as well, experienced in a very similar manner to my so called ‘ecstatic’ experience that I defined as positive.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become this energetic experience simply because of me having defined it as ‘positive’ and ‘enjoyable’ as anything that I would look at, listen to or read that would cause an actual ‘fear’ as an overwhelming experience, but instead of investigating it further, I simply accepted it as ‘who I am’ and me having some form of empathy/resonance for the sounds/ music, the visuals or the words that would create these images within me of actual horror/ terror/ fear in an ‘acceptable manner,’ since I never took it to the ‘next level,’ so to speak.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe there was such a thing as genuine empathic experience toward others that would exist within a similar ‘energetic experience’ as myself and within that, creating relationships with people that would support this self-experience as a form of ‘special bond’ that was ‘difficult to find’ and as such, level it up to a form of specialness and uniqueness in relationships.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘make it okay’ to rejoice in what I deemed were positive experiences that were ‘innocent’ because I was the only one experiencing such chills and thrills in my physical body, without realizing that these thoughts and logic is only me as the mind realizing what I have done onto the physical and that I never in fact was aware of my physical body, otherwise I would have been aware of the actual detrimental experiences that the body goes through when participating in any form of energetic experience either positive or negative – same consequence.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it was okay for me to experience sadness and enjoy it, because I thought I was special and unique to only experience sadness as a form of enjoyment, without realizing that in all cases, any energetic experience is equal from the perspective that it is me as a the mind generating friction and conflict to extract energy from the physical in order to continue existing as an energetic system, without realizing that there is no point for such system to exist within me and that I can be here, breathe and remain constant and consistent as myself as the physical, and that living/being alive does not require these ‘overwhelming experiences’ that I would be a sucker for in the form of listening to music all the time, thinking constantly about all the bad things in the world and rejoice in what I deemed was something ‘twisted’ and ‘socially incorrect,’ because I learned that I could only rejoice in that which is positive/ beneficial for self, never really understanding that any energetic experience no matter how we  assess it/define it within our consciousness mind-frame as either positive or negative, it is always a relationship of friction and conflict to generate and create more energy that is extracted from the physicality that I am in order to continue the existence of the mind through/ as more friction and conflict.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to train and condition my physical body to accept these energetic experiences of fear and overwhelming thoughts of death and destruction as an actual enjoyment or ‘aliveness’ whenever I would create a quivering in my body that I believed was a sign of me being ‘more alive’ or more ‘genuine’ than other beings, and that such experiences were an indication of me being ‘more’ than others, a point of specialness which became as a personal cultivation of such experiences for my personal enjoyment.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to condition my physical to such a reaction of the mind as ‘enjoyment,’ instead of actually approaching points of expression like painting and music from a physical starting point of self expression.

 

I realize that the only way to ‘change’ this point of self-experience as the sublime, the disturbing and mostly feared is simply by stopping fearing it myself and next, is working on breathing the energetic experiences as they emerge in this automated way, which I take responsibility for because of the amount of time and energy I spent on accepting such energetic experiences as ‘normal,’ and as such, commit myself to be aware of whenever I am approaching something/ someone from the starting point of wanting to get a kick out of re-enacting my fascinations and self-experiences of fear turned into a pleasurable experience.

 

I commit myself to equalize myself to any form of expression ,wherein I ensure that I am always here, breathing – and that no matter what I do, I place my focus and attention on the physical reality of what I am doing and also realizing that not getting any energetic experience while listening to music or painting does not make the moment less as in not being genuine, as I realize that any form of energetic movement while doing something is indicating me a point of separation within the mind in accordance to how I have participated in my reality through the mind instead of the physical.

 

I commit myself to base my self expression on being here as breath while painting, listening to music, watching nature and as such realize that every time I create either a positive or negative experience out of anything I do in the physical, it is the mind and it’s not real self-expression and must be taken self responsibility for, as I understand how it is within these seeking of ‘thrills’ at a mind level that we become addicts for this that is later on sought through drugs, sex, money or anything else that is able to provide enough resources to generate a ‘moreness’ or ‘specialness’ within us as energetic-experiences, which is unacceptable as these are the bricks of self-abuse that we all have participated in within ourselves as the mind, having real effects and detrimental consequences for the whole in this world – not only humans, but every single particle abused in the name of our personal fascinations.

 

More to come.

 

Desteni

Desteni Forum

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Equal Money System 

The Great Wave

The great wave 2009

Blogs:

Interviews:

Very important: how energy tampers our self expression:


242. Overwhelmed by the Abuse upon Life?

194. Let the Mask Fall!

Human Perception is our Greatest Enemy. Because, it has Devolved into Complete Separation as Self-Interest where the Individual will do its Utmost, to Ensure its own Comfort, Luxury and Survival – No Matter What. That is Extremely Unpleasant – to Watch a World, where Not a Single Face Presented in any way, can be Trusted to be the Real Face. It is Disheartening, to be in a World where no-one really Care. No matter how much Doomsday we have every day, no matter how many Living Beings die – there is just Silence. Not even a Cry. And, no one Shed a Tear. All Accepted, and Allowed.” – Bernard Poolman+

 

Please read the previous entry 241. The EndGame Show: 2012 to get a context on the points I’ll be walking in Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within the consideration of humanity being fucked, having no regard to any other human being, I cultivated a desire to have everything be wiped out/ humanity disappearing and within this, create a layer of disdain toward humanity as a whole, without realizing that in this I was simply projecting blame onto others within a stance of superiority/innocence as if I had not participated in every single point that is leading us to this current situation of being close to our own annihilation and annihilating the lives of every single particle that is also here as part of who we are, without realizing that by the sheer fact of me existing, I am equally responsible to any single point I could criticize/ judge or even be ashamed of that other human beings represent in this world.

 

When and as I see myself participating within a quiet-desire for everything to just ‘disappear’ and have humanity wiped out, I stop and I breathe. I realize that facing the reality that we have all participated in is certainly part of what we have to breathe through because I realize that my experience and my desires to ‘end it all’ have no ability to support any being for that matter. Thus I breathe and stop participating in any thoughts that contribute to separating myself from others and the responsibility we all hold as having been equal participants within the current state of humanity.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience disgust as ourselves, human beings, for doing what we’re doing onto each other and every single animal, plant and small particle as part of our existence that we are abusing and simply disregarding within any consideration of them all being also part of what should be regarded as equal, equally valuable, equally important to make life on Earth possible but instead, we have become so imbued in our own pursuit of happiness, of a good time that everyone is just caring after their own well being and survival, because we have all collectively accepted a system wherein one just care-after oneself only, never promoting an actual collective sense of existence/ coexisting and requiring the same points to live thus

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that the evil that I judge and create emotional experiences about when witnessing it within my reality, is nothing else but the consequential outflow of a collective agreement wherein we have accepted and allowed disparity, inequality and scarcity toward fellow human beings, simply because of accepting a country’s economy, a race, a region of the world and the disparity in currencies as actually ‘acceptable’ and ‘real,’ without realizing that in this make-believe world-system, we had never questioned why we haven’t been genuinely benevolent to each other to stop all forms of political, economical and social separations in order to Grant Access to all that is required to live as natural resources and necessary tools to be able to thrive as humanity no matter where we are located in this world.  Within this

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that judging the Evil in humanity is absolutely unnecessary since it is only another layer of self-preoccupation and self-experience added to the already existent selfishness that exists within/as the human mind that only caters for its own benefit individually, disregarding the collective and ecosystem that enables life to be possible on Earth.

When and as I see myself judging humanity/ a single human being’s actions as evil, nasty, spiteful, shameful or any other adjective that points out a degradation of life, I stop and I breathe. I realize that reducing myself in one single moment to assess/ participate in such judgmental activity becomes another link in the chain of self-abuse, because I am only generating yet another emotional experience that only feeds the same mind that is the very starting point of this whole problem in our reality in the first place, since who we are as the mind is the one that thrives upon friction and conflict to generate enough energy to feed itself from the actual physicality that we are here – thus within this realization and as a point of self correction in the moment: I direct myself to breathe through the surge of energy as contempt, disdain, shame and anger and follow through to apply Self-Forgiveness out loud in order to bring myself back to the physical reality wherein I can focus on supporting myself to do/ say that which will support me to Live and others to also realize the same instead of projecting and compounding yet another form of rivalry and antagonism toward others in this world.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that every time I participate in any form of anger toward ‘humanity’ as a mass, as a group in its totality and identify ‘humanity’ as irresponsible is indicating only where I am currently standing as myself, and reacting to that which I would have also participated myself, even if it’s through actually rejoicing at watching another’s series of unfortunate events which already raises attention to see to what extent we have come to be lax about what we deem as entertaining just because of the Experience that we get from it as an energetic kick out of watching another suffering – therefore

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rejoice in watching another’s suffering which is quite a common point in our humanity, wherein because of the fear that we get from hypothetically placing ourselves in the shoes of the person, we would create the opposite experience as a positive experience through vicariously enjoying watching another going through events that are deliberately evil as a problematic situations in our so-called lives and call that entertaining, without realizing that in all of this Self-Experience we are only focusing on ourselves and our personal ‘good’ experience –  but in no way are we actually considering what is it that we are in fact laughing/ rejoicing about and become Aware of what we accept and allow to be commonly experienced as entertaining/ fulfilling without having a clue WHY we rejoice at such evil and generate a positive out of a negative.

 

When and as I see myself generating any form of either positive or negative experience through judging others, I stop and I breathe within the realization that it is within the participation of myself as my mind that I will only contribute to the already existent/portrayed point of experience as ‘common’ and ‘acceptable’ within us human beings, without realizing it is within such participation that we neglect and forget about being equal living beings but only opt for rejoicing in an experience at a mind level of either a positive or a negative that is equally abusive to who we are as physical beings – and to understand this and why please, educate yourself with the Quantum Mind Self Awareness interviews, so one can make an informed decision of why we require to stop all participation in our minds of thoughts/ emotions/ feelings as positive or negative energetic reactions and to start learning how to honor each other as physical beings.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the disgust projected toward ‘humanity’ that I have participated in before and that emerged after watching a group of people deciding upon another being’s life to go through the worst-case scenarios, is in fact my own self-interest and selfish self-experience wherein I am placing myself as ‘above’ those that are making the decisions, as if I was absolutely innocent within such outflow and being completely responsible toward myself , my own mind and my physical reality which I am not yet – thus I see, realize and understand that I can only generate any form of contempt, disdain and disgust toward ‘humanity’ as a single concept in my mind that I have used to abdicate my own responsibility toward myself, toward within my mind and what such participation contributes with as ‘who I am’ within this world.

 

Thus I commit myself to walk absolutely diligently to establish myself as a physical living being that stops in all ways and forms contributing to the same cycles of abuse through judgment, creating emotional experiences upon such judgment and in the end doing nothing to establish solutions but remain as a single victim that adds up to the rest of the victims that believe one have no ‘power’ to change things, without realizing that we have never in fact have any form of ‘power’ upon ourselves in reality until now that we are realizing we can become self-directive beings that deliberately decide to support/ be and become the solution to establish Life in Equality.

I realize that we have never in fact have any form of actual power or control over this reality and that who we are as living beings require physical self-correction to stop participating in the mind assessing one’s performance as either evil or good – step out of any form of positive or negative energetic experience upon assessing our reality, and instead focus on physical solutions that don’t require any form of judgment, contempt, desire to retaliate others or simply ‘wipe them out,’ as that is obviously foolishly again contributing to the same patterns of separation/ abuse and neglect toward one another.

(Listen to Why it is Important to Investigate the Negative – Part 135 for further education and understanding of what we are in fact facing when we deal with the Evil in this world)

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reduce physical beings to ‘evil characters’ in my mind in order to then create within myself an experience of/as an ‘offended character’ without realizing how in this single participation of any form of backchat or speaking to myself about how ‘fucked we are’ as humanity is only contributing to further characterization and in fact maiming our ability to stand up because within that I am accepting and allowing ourselves to be ‘fucked’ as in powerless, having no ability to self-direct ourselves and essentially within that, accept and allow myself to diminish myself to a single self-defeatism experience that is only existent in my mind – thus

 

When and as I see myself judging people for being ‘evil’ and ‘mean’ and ‘irresponsible’ in my mind, I stop and I breathe. I direct myself to Not participate in these thoughts in any way whatsoever but instead learn about how we function as humanity and see the practical ways in which I can ensure I stop the perpetual cycles of self-abuse such as opposing/ judging or ‘being ashamed’ of being a human being and instead focus on walking the solution to humanity as myself: stopping our minds of desires, wants and needs that lead us to such evil in the first place and become the example of how it is possible to simply look at humanity and have an empty mind, take the facts and propose solutions.

 

I forgive myself that I have ever accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as judgment toward others and reacting emotionally upon another’s actions and projecting blame upon ‘them,’ instead of first taking the point back to self to see where I am in fact reacting because of me being doing the same or simply creating an emotional experience about this spitefulness toward life that I then co-create by participating in my mind of emotions and feelings. I realize that this physical reality is being physically disregarded, exploited and abused and my emotional experience toward it won’t change a thing – I rather absolutely stop, forgive myself for any reaction and continue breathing in my self-stability to be able to direct myself to create solutions, become the solution myself by stopping following my own wants, desires, needs that may in any harm one’s and another’s life.

 

When and as I see myself existing in self judgment and within any emotional experience toward others in my reality, I stop and I breathe within the realization that whatever experience, thought I create toward others in no way contributes to an actual living-solution. Thus I direct myself to instead understand the point that I am judging, see ‘who I am’ toward it, how I am participating in it and in self-awareness direct myself to establish a solution for that which I am judging, which begins by me stopping judging it/ becoming emotional about it and then focus on physical directions/ solutions that can be implemented in order to prevent such ‘evil situation’ from happening in the first place.

 

I realize that we are abusing in the name of satisfying one’s ego and entertainment in this case, wherein the worst-case scenario decisions are being made in order to have a ‘good time’ as a form of entertainment. The same happens when we exert our anger upon others as a form of vindicating our position as victims in this world which becomes nothing else but another grain added to the sack of the plethora of beings that would rather fight against the system/ oppose the government/ retaliate against corporations/ religious institutions and any other association in separation of life that are in no way envisioning a collective agreement to support each other as equals and within that, correcting the root of evil that we have all become and participated within without any form of physical awareness of who we are in fact fighting against.

 

If Karma Existed – as a Real Law of Consequence and Man had to Pay for What has been Allowed on Earth: there would be No End to Suffering for All on Earth, Virtually for Eternity Now. Many Hope to Escape the Consequence, by Finding all kinds of Saviors. How can anyone Save you from yourself – If you are not Willing to do it for yourself? If you are not Willing to Change you, Why must someone else Change you? Because that is your Greatest Fear, that you Claim that anyone else that try and change you, is Brainwashing you… it is Such a Conundrum, the Perfect Trap.”Bernard Poolman+

 

 

When and I see myself wanting to blame and project a single experience of disdain toward human beings for the acts they are perpetrating as any form of abuse toward life  – I stop and I breathe – I realize that such abuse is happening all the time in our reality and that my experience contributes to such abuse. Thus I stop, I breathe, I become aware of the abuse, I trace the point to see how such abuse is created in order to ensure that such root-cause of the abuse is self-corrected within me at all times.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I can only generate an experience upon that which I have participated/ been/ become myself  – thus any form of externalization of judgment is only a key point that I can direct myself to immediately take it back to self, investigate where and how I have become that which I am judging in others and take self responsibility for it. Such as ever rejoicing in watching another’s pain and suffering which we can condemn as ‘evil,’ however we are all inflicting such pain and suffering by the single acceptance of Money as a system to obtain that which we require to live, and such money is not readily available to all human beings equally, that is the real reverse of life that we are All blindly accepting and allowing in this world-system.

 

I realize that if I was aware of the abuse that we are All Collectively directly inflicting upon each other, upon each animal, insect, plant, life particle in this reality, I would have been consumed by my own anger, shame and remorse about it. Thus existing in guilt, shame, remorse, anger and sadness about what we are Doing upon this world is actually self interest – and within that, wanting to ‘wipe out humanity’ is simply in fact just opting to ‘get a quick fix’ to not have to face the consequences we have all co-created in/as this world we’re living in. This is our Doomsday, this is what we participate in on a daily basis beginning with ourselves in our own minds – thus

 

I commit myself to stop participating within my own Mood-change as my self-doom by creating emotional experiences upon the abuse, evil and neglect upon life and walk my physical process to actually become Life / Live as the reverse of all that evil that I can simply then become aware of, establish the root-cause of such evil, plan a solution that I can live and implement as what’s best for all and as such, promote solutions, promote and become the way that we can practically correct the patterns that have we tend to simply judge or become overwhelmed by in self interest as a personal experience.

 

I realize that my responsibility toward this world cannot be possibly corrected or ‘washed away’ with any form of immediate self destruction, as that would be similar to simply ascending/dying as in leaving our consequence behind as this physical world/ the Earth that is holding all our evil deeds as proof of how we can neglect each other and life with such an ease that should be a focus of attention to start creating a sense of self-responsibility and self-worth as life as equals, because as long as I expect consequence to ‘hit others’ and place myself out of the equation, I am still existing in such self interest as in seeing myself as ‘superior’ to those that I believe are the ‘evil ones,’ without realizing that we’re All in this together and we have Always been together in this co-creative process in existence, therefore there is no way out of facing ourselves, no matter what.

 

I commit myself to live the realization how within any form of desire/want and need to only satisfy my self experience as either in a positive or negative experience about another’s thoughts/words/deeds, I am equally contributing to perpetuating this system of abuse, as the system is founded upon satisfying our wants/ needs and desires through making them available through a monetary system that is already set to only benefit some – within this it is to realize how delusional it is that we have all collectively agreed to only benefit ‘some’ and disregard the majority using reasoning, logic, beliefs and ‘laws’ even to protect such elitist granting of ‘living rights and guarantees’ that have become the reflection of how our own minds function: care for yourself and nevermind the rest –

 

Therefore I take the point of self responsibility toward myself, my own mind and become  a physical living example of how it is possible to become a contribution to Life/ Living and sharing myself, my process within this with others so that more can become aware of another way of living as equals, wherein we can in fact then establish an actual self-awareness to see what we are rejoicing with, to become aware of how it is through our desire/want and need to have certain positive experiences that we overlook the abuse that lies beneath it. And this is existent virtually everywhere since this world and reality has become the epitome of evil and everything that is the reverse of life.

 

Thus, I commit myself to continue living a process of physical integrity as life wherein my thoughts/words/deeds speak and express that which I realize we are, that which I realize has to be done and implemented in this world in order to no more support and cater for the abuse toward fellow living species/beings and become life myself, as that is the actual living-example that can propitiate and place in motion the necessary changes that are urgent in this world, such as establishing the Equal Money System that will certainly enable people to be relieved from having to exist in an endless payroll and survival mode, competing to ‘make a living,’ and instead, have enough time to support themselves, to learn about how our mind works, how to support oneself to become a living-self aware being that is self-responsible through the tools of self-support that are the only ones that will enable us to realize our responsibility within this reality, which are writing, Self-Forgiveness, Self Corrective Application, Breathing and sharing because acting alone is futile in this Journey to Life wherein the outcome will always affect the whole.

 

More to come…

 

Further Self Support:

 

“I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand that with parent-child, teacher-classroom, Money-humanity relationships being based on Elitism of/as “the One / Chosen One”, has become platforms within humanity that propagate Competition for Survival – put Man against Man, Man against the Physical/Earth, as all compete for/as their Survival, their Elitism, their “specialness, uniqueness, importance” energy experiences, that we would within such relationships – not consider: a solution to this physical existence where we ensure that each parent is equipped to have children, that each child is ensured a life from birth to death, that all children are ensured an equal and one education, that each human being co-exist within a World System that contribute to life on earth. But, we’ve conditioned/submitted ourselves, our Minds to the systems of this world, in ‘how life has always been’ – instead of standing up, and changing, and taking responsibility for ourselves, for those that have gone before us, with what ‘life on earth’ has become.” – Sunette Spies *

 

DSC00036

 

Blogs:

 

Interviews that support oneself to understand how to walk our process within the perspective of consequence and informed decisions:

 

Vlog:

2012 Doomsday Character: Sick of Humanity? – YouTube
2012: Overwhelmed with Tears by Media – YouTube

241. The EndGame Show: 2012

I watched Derren Brown’s The Gameshow episode which is a brilliant piece of what popular TV should become: a blatantly blunt and absolutely irrevocable proof of what we have become as humanity: full blown evil egos that have absolutely no regard toward the life of fellow living beings and dare to rejoice making a mockery out of another’s unfortunate lives that are being directed by the observers themselves.

I had to breathe in order to not participate further in further thoughts and outspoken backchat after one witness the whole thing and for a moment find yourself laughing along to what we have defined as entertaining and funny. This certainly made me realize to what extent we have brainwashed ourselves to have the most twisted sense of humor labeled as ‘normal’ to laugh upon actual evil lived out in the life of a human being that’s being secretly filmed for the de-light of everyone, even if it is entertainment gone educational, still running a show within the whole scheme of how it all functions through/ by money itself.

 

The game depicts the two options we hold in this world while living and interacting with everything and everyone here, as simple and direct as a yes and a no: to do what’s best for all/ doing onto another what you would want others to do onto you/ giving and receiving in equality/ loving thy neighbor as thyself OR essentially ‘consciously’ deciding to make another’s life their worst fucking nightmare and hell through your own direct ‘democratic vote’ to do so.

 

When the audience in this fake ‘game show’ are endowed with the godly-ability to direct what happens to a person’s life, and are given the ‘right to vote’ toward a positive and a negative outcome that would be taken on upon this man’s life – the audience, conveniently suited with masks that enhance their anonymity – cast their vote to massively decide through the majority rule vote what the life of the man would turn out to be for the night. This is a perfect depiction of how we are all nicely sitting on our asses, having our lives backed up with money in our pockets while we watch the whole planet and beings going extinct and crumbling down to ashes as a result of us having disregarded any other single particle ‘outside of ourselves’ As ourselves, equal and one, and only abused it in order to create a vulgar display of power where we are able to decide upon another’s life in a deliberate manner to feel ‘empowered..’

And! We are waiting for doomsday? Wtf.

 

Derren Brown - the Show -Evil Human Nature

 

The results are not surprising considering the inherent human nature that is Evil as the reverse of life. This show reveals to what extent – even if given the ability of ‘free choice’ as in freely choosing and deciding upon a being’s life – the majority of the people votes for all the worst to happen to the man/ subject of the show – what for? One can see the thrill as the excitement that is generated through vicariously witnessing another’s suffering and having the power to say ‘I made him go through that/ I deliberately wanted that person to have a shitty time in his life, yeah man! that’s some real fun, hey’ – Writing these words is already quite a criminal sentence, however the point that I am here to share, place out and walk through is how after watching this for a moment I felt disgusted for being a human being – again: a feeling/ experience created at a mind level as the usual disdain that I would project and cultivate toward humanity in the past, myself included, of which some layers/ dimensions will certainly come up as they are ‘stirred’ through external stimuli. I was a perfect example of how to loathe reality and still manage to get your personal interests in place. 

 

Continuing from – Evil:

194. Let the Mask Fall!

 

I realized to what extent it is relevant to speak about this topic since we’re only few days away from the great non-event that will probably only serve as an excuse to immigrate to another ‘meaningful date’ to a few years from here on – I will resume with the education point I had last shared until I lay out the latest discoveries of this character. I suggest reading the blogs listed above to get a perspective of my own fuckups with regards to how fervently I would dare to speak about things like the end of the world and rejoice about it, just like a perfect doomsday activist that I was on my way to become some years ago.

 

Throughout this Process I have realized that I cannot in any way continue creating judgments upon those that judge, that would be the obvious law of stupidity, isn’t it? It took me quite a while to grasp it and all I can say is I am applying and practicing to live humbleness after realizing my own fuckups within this aspect in my life.

 

The only reason why I prayed – figuratively speaking – for the world to end was precisely because I would generate the same type of disgust toward humanity to the one I experienced today after watching this show, a remnant of the type of thinking I would function in a 24/7 attitude in my past, and I must say that committing oneself to stop the continuous judgment has been a definitive decision that must be lived in every single moment that I decide to breathe as life and stop myself from playing the grumpy old humanity-Grinch that I had become. Obviously, it was easier to just want everything to be ‘washed away,’ sucked by some massive black hole or obliterated by some meteorite – in fact the word ‘obliterate’ holds the relationship to this ‘massive’ desire to end it all.

 

But the reality is that: I didn’t want to face what I had become, what we’ve become. I have written about this before several times but the whole death and destruction point has reached its peak, since it’s only a few days away now for Nothing to happen for once and for all.

 

You can read more  from the ‘Doomsday Character’ here:

 

Fortunately, I found self forgiveness and no, this is no  religious-sinner act here. This is about being profoundly ashamed of myself as a human being for what we’ve done and become, and be able to give myself a second chance to live, a second opportunity to start from scratch and I’ll never forget when I heard those words and decided from there on that I would choose life.

 

It is only through Self-Forgiveness that one can stand up from all the guilt, remorse, shame and all the psychological and physical heavy loaded guns that we have emptied upon ourselves, each other, the animals, the Earth, children, every single spec of life that we are obviously unaware and have disregarded while seeking for our greatest vilest excitement, which happens to be covered in sugar to disguise the fact that every form of apparent human benevolence is in fact just a blatant way to disguise our real nature, the one that can be ‘lost in the masses’ and be unable to be spotted as a perpetrator of a crime or a hideous act of nasty violence and abuse toward another fellow living part of this reality that is ourselves.

 

Can I have a single point of respect toward a human being that decides upon something really hideous to happen to another being under free choice? No, but I’ve become that as well. I have accepted and allowed the existence of a world wherein who we are has become the blatant DEMONstration of what the so-called godly given free-choice and free-will as the freedom to abuse and disrespect life in the name of self-interest as a human consciousness robot that knows nothing better but laughing at another’s disgrace and pretending there is some acceptable sense of rejoice in that. Seriously, we do that all the time.

 

We all seek happiness, bliss, joy, being content, peaceful, we wash ourselves in our benevolent acts of kindness by ‘helping others’ and showing off the super-whitened smile while secretly in the back of our head, the real evil nasty thoughts reveal that we have in fact no self-respect because if we had a single bit of integrity, we would tape our own mind from thinking any inkling of repugnant backchat and spiteful judgments toward another being. It is fucking ludicrous that anyone can possibly consider oneself as a good person, as any form of benevolent act in a world wherein our very actions on a daily basis reveal that we Only care about our own well being, our own family – fuck the rest! – our own jobs/ money/ security and let the children starve and be sold for money to feed their families –

Oh, but then again! we have our marvelous entertainment such as 2012 and the plethora of promises and hopes and positive wishes and apparent magical solutions for humanity, because in our minds we live in the delirium that ‘we deserve it’ –  Really?

We’re the almighty gods of existence here, with our elitist ways of catching up on the latest on world hunger:

About 25,000 people die every day of hunger or hunger-related causes, according to the United Nations. This is one person every three and a half seconds, as you can see on this display. Unfortunately, it is children who die most often. – poverty.com

We even got a poverty.com portal that we access in our laptops to check out some fancy numbers and statistics but  absolutely neglecting in its totality the reality of what one single reality experience of those 25 thousand beings actually experience in one single day of their lives – oh but yes, we are claiming we are empty vessels in full view and require some god, some major event to look forward to… wow, really, wow.

 

People given the free-command to decide upon a being’s life within the framework of a ‘game show’ while wearing masks to protect the oh-so-beloved ‘identity and privacy,’ collectively decide to inflict  the most hideous experiences that a single person can go through in a matter of hours – taking into consideration that such acts must be able to be broadcasted for pg-13 audience, otherwise I’m sure the evil could escalate a lot further. Now taking the same actions at a global level: how could any human being indulge in believing that as a result of a series of constant and continuous putrefactive acts, one could get some form of heavenly reward from a non-existent god as a result of one’s nastiness and brutality inflicted upon all life forms in every single second that life is disregarded and instead abused? How could such a being that is deliberately flipping the middle finger to another for the sake of a laughter in any way expect that some divine hand is going to come and wipe out the whole earth to end the suffering of everyone and some ‘special ones’ ascend to the heavens?

 

How can we as humanity, accepting and allowing this delusional and hypocritical world system in any way expect something GOOD and Benevolent emerging out of Nowhere on a single day that everyone seems to be waiting for, as if there was some mighty being or force that was actually pleased with what we’ve become in order to grant us the long-awaited doomsday. In and for all cases, we’re all equally and one doomed beyond measure for what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become – yet this is not an excuse to say ‘it’s too much’ and then give up, as that would only indicate a timeloop that will have to be corrected anyways.

 

It is also quite a paradox that I have to recommend a TV show to witness our reality, simply because we haven’t been Paying Attention to our reality outside the door, but instead have to read about it, watch it through our HDMI screens and get a bucket of cold water to wake up from the slumber we’re in. Will we learn? Unfortunately as history has shown: we don’t. Even if millions die in world wars and keep the memory intact as if it had been in fact the most atrocious acts in humanity, we perpetrate and support with our very thinking-schemes a system that is founded upon abuse, our desires to be happy, rich, fulfilled, to be joyous and blissful at the expense of others, never minding about a single thing that must be sacrificed for such a ‘good time,’ because in the end we’re the ‘masters of disguise’ when it comes to painting an entire town red without realizing that it’s actually blood that’s been shed in order for some twisted idea of progress to exist.

 

If we could look at oil as the result of the actual processes in which  the oil itself was discovered and exploited, the suffering of the beings caused for the wars that lead to the appropriation of oil from some middle east country and the crimes committed in the name of this ‘dark gold’ as a form of quantum-memory projecting itself as you pump gas into your car, one could probably have a constant reminder of what our idea of ‘civilization’ is all about. Feeling guilty or remorseful or taking yourself to a point of wanting to commit suicide won’t do a thing, it will only make things worse because even such ‘decisions’ are made in self interest: only caring about – once again – one’s own experience and are no different in essence to a decision made to live in eternal bliss, because even death was believed to be a final-point to the book we’ve jotted upon as ‘our life.’ It is not so, definitely, it is the most stupid thing one can do as well as believing that some magic date will bring an end to this ‘torture in life.’

 

The reason why I am writing this is because I felt a nauseous experience about humanity again as I hadn’t felt in quite a while in spite of the amount of information and personal self investigation wherein we become aware of how we are Not in any way any benevolent act on Earth. But one has to be actually faced with this form of ‘entertainment’ that is revealed to be quite a blow on our face what we have deemed as ‘funny’ as ‘entertaining’ and ‘acceptable’ within the constrains of our mediated minds wherein no respect, honor and regard for life exists, at all, because all of the reverse to that is what sells well.

 

All I could think of is: I am here, I acknowledge what I’ve done, what I’ve created and propitiated within my every day living – I am no different to the beings that deliberately chooses upon the man’s ‘bad time’ on this TV show. Through my accepted and allowed existence and continuation within this system, I am in complicity to the thousands of people dying every day of starvation, I am directly responsible for the belief upon any form of hope for things ever ‘getting better’ or in the best-case scenario, or in the shape of my old secret desires, witness a full deployment of natural forces upon humanity, to just boil down the Earth to ashes – such self destructive thoughts are continually lived as our personal hells in our minds, every single day having to battle ‘the damned thing’ that is ourselves, foolishly so only battling our own minds as an experience.

 

No wonder the world is what it is, we rather cut down trees and put some shiny lights upon them and profess ‘love and peace’ for a few couple of days while massively consuming shit that we don’t need and call that ‘holy-days,’ really? Do  a research on the type of activity humans rejoice in such holy-days: massive amounts of alcohol, porn, drugs and any other form of brutal entertainment is ensued to ‘kill the dread’ that these ‘holidays’ are usually adorned with in a regular human being’s life. This is what we’ve become.

 

Now, feeling disgust and feeling any form of actual shame would only be me playing the necessary role for this massive mindfuck to continue. We all have to STOP no matter what from existing within this perpetual game of self-righteous acts of self-believed immaculate souls that actually ‘do good’ in any way whatsoever on Earth.

 

I, of course, cannot count myself out of everything that I am writing as I am writing this within the full awareness that I have not lived to the 100% that I would want to, but it still remains a ‘want,’ a ‘need’ and a ‘desire’ that is the same type of desires that can burn someone’s hands in the form of having the impulse and drive to steal, rape, murder or just commit some form of violence within the same impetus that the mind as an energetic drive creates within our physical bodies – there is no self movement yet, and that is what the correction will have to be if doomsday is to be stopped as any form of deviation toward the actual responsibility we hold as human beings toward each other as equals.

 

It is Not Real to ‘want’ to change – it is no different to wishing light and love, really. We must LIVE change, we must Ensure that No single thought toward another living being is exerted. It is to be realized that one cannot play the benevolent act within the current frames wherein benevolence is actually founded upon abuse.

 

We present common sense, the reality of how things function, the blatant truth of what we’ve become in an attempt to make ourselves feel special and unique and with some form of ‘divine seed’ awaiting to sprout some more industrial glitter to give head to further ‘love and light,’ in the hopes of getting ass-ended to the heavens of the 5th dimension – or as I wished upon – dying to forevermore cease to exist so that I would not have to face myself among such humanity that I came to despise, without realizing I was only staring back at me: self victimization as another entertainment of me and my mind alone.

 

We still have the ability to take the ‘Remote Control’ as a single decision to think, do and say what is best for all life, always – We can be carried over by this sense of deindividuation that takes place, wherein we believe that we cannot be ‘spotted on’ for not giving a damn about life, for not standing up ‘who will notice? does anybody care what I had to say? what I do and how I live MY life? Why should I place myself ‘out there’ for people that don’t give a fuck? Well, these might be well known excuses that I have participated in myself that reveal we have to actually make a deliberate action to stand up for life, otherwise the voices in our head will grow bigger than ourselves – in our mind.  It takes guts to be able to place oneself as an example of how we can take our lives from the very filthy bottom of the pit of regret that we get to when realizing what we’ve done, and have the strength to stand up and walk a daily process of self forgiveness, self introspection through writing and deciding to live and apply a practical correction in order to ensure that Never Again do we ever perpetuate what we’ve been and become, of which this world is the unfortunate genuine expression of.

 

Just as the people in Brown’s gameshow decided to NOT give what’s best for all as what they would want for themselves to this man as the main ‘subject’ of the whole experiment, we are living out that single decision in real life, idiotically following through with a system of absolute blatant self abuse wherein no one seems to give a reverend fuck as long as one is protected with enough money to live way and have some entertainment and some nice piece of land to own to look at. What about the rest? who the hell decided that we have the ability to have computers, be able to read or have our elitist lives to only be writing about all that which we have neglected and abused in our lives? yet, we are doing it , because it is what we have, it is the last call before all hell breaks lose even further than it already is, and not hearing what we say when we propose to Choose Life, Choose to Give and Receive what is Best for All, what we All would want for ourselves as the Real demonstration of what Loving our Neighbor should be, to actually create the greatest actual physical heaven on Earth, we decide to spite each other and mock the hell out of it just because ‘we can.’ 

 

Now, after all of this, going into victimization and saying ‘we don’t deserve to live’ can be just another ego game – been there, done that and as such, I direct myself to realize that any form of experience from the realization of what we’ve done and become is just another mind-game to remain in my safe spot of inaction and bypass stander-act that I have so much judged upon other human beings. This is where we realize that this all does not require further large faces and pretentious acts of ‘care,’ as the people at the end of the show reveal themselves to have. I bet the shock only lasted for a couple of hours only to get back into reality, probably still deciding to ruin someone else’s life with as much ease as pressing the button that will lead another piece-of-here toward their own personal doomsday. And still that’s a controlled act, but what about reality that is here where abuse goes inadvertently flying by under our noses every single day.

 

For that matter, this is doomsday to me: having to witness every single day through what we can read on the news, watch in documentaries, read from our very own minds is causing this world to go straight down the drain in  free fall with little to no common sense at all being integrated as who we are on Earth.  It should be a matter of alarm if you while watching the show decide that it would be fun to see the person suffer. And I questioned once the violent acts within the Roman circus with people that would rejoice seeing ‘beasts’ fighting gladiators and all forms of violence as entertainment – we already then knew what kept the masses going and happy: blood, violence, abuse, decay, that is the real show, our own game show wherein we’ve accepted that some must win and some must die. It is, to say the least, unacceptable.

 

So, I breathe and realize that the only way we are ever going to get through this is through learning how to Self-Forgive, learning how to walk practical solutions for every single point of accepted and allowed inequality, separation and neglect toward another fellow being that I have participated in within my life. Resisting or Judging Self  Forgiveness is the only way to actually redeem ourselves from our constant and consistent hideous acts of self interest that we’ve gladly cultivated without a question.

 

Time  to stop waiting around for a mighty and glorious end of the world as that is really just the festive act for the ones that are quite shitscared to face the reality of what we’ve become – I once was there in such lines, I’ve crossed the divide between projecting blame and hatred toward humanity and learned how to take self responsibility, which begins by me stopping m y own accepted and allowed continuation of separation and commit myself to LIVE, to integrate myself as a physical presence within my physical body wherein I learn how to honor each moment of life that I breathe and not participate in any further mind games that have the most consequential outflows upon life.

 

We are an organization worldwide that exists for one single purpose: establishing life in Equality on Earth through a new political and economic system  and currently provides absolutely free self support for over 5 years now of which I I have been a participant of with my own living-process that can be read from head to toe in this same pages you are reading this on. We present a never before given solution for the world’s problems in one single presentation: the Equal Money System, which is essentially doing the least voted options in Derren Brown’s experiment with people: giving to each other what we would want for ourselves, sure these people never took into consideration that such being is themselves, and how anyone that suffers in this world for that matter is also ourselves.

This means that it requires self education to learn how we can only thrive in humanity if we regard each other as equals, and for that we require to continue existing as a living-functional seed of life that has been planted in this murky sea of death and destruction. This opportunity is only lasting for a lifetime. If you decide that you would like to contribute to the minority that is currently deciding any form of benevolence upon others, join us, the more we unite in one single voice as common sense, life in equality and equal money, we can create further awareness of there being a new way of living, one where causing havoc in a being’s life is seen as the blatant abuse that it is and not something we can openly laugh at while hiding behind masks to prevent one from being seen and recognized for our true intentions that are the result of having abdicated our physical common sense in life to a mind that thrives of separation and conflict.

 

“And if you Dare to Live in Self-Interest, without Considering All Other Life as Equal: there will be a Consequence. That Consequence will come, and be Visited upon each one According to what has been Allowed throughout All Time. Man tend to very easily Forget to what Extent he Participate in Disharmony, and will use All Kinds of Ways to Achieve a Higher Consciousness without doing any Restitution to Correct the Harm Accepted and Allowed and Done in his Past Life on Earth.” – Bernard Poolman  – Day 240: Apocalypse in Heaven – ADC – Part 87

 

I’ve chosen to stop my own delusions and walk a self-corrective process in order to learn how to breathe instead of reacting with further anger while witnessing any form of neglect in our reality, as I see, realize and understand that me creating further experiences in my  mind  is no different to existing in the same mind-possessed mechanism that decides upon the very outcomes of life on Earth. unless we stop, this current highway to hell will only be walked fully with no ability to turn back.

‘Hopefully,’ 2012 will become the year that we stop indulging in any form of escapism and desires for change, but instead open our eyes to see to what extent we are actually causing our own doomsday and ‘end of days’  every single day that we reduce our living condition to a single budget sustained by a massive exploitation of resources and call that a ‘life.’

 

We Must Declare what we are willing to accept and allow and what we are not. I declare that I am not willing to accept and allow myself to create a single form of division within me toward another human being in the form of these ‘invisible entities’ as thoughts that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as, and that this becomes the actual gift that I would want to receive from any other person: I stop expecting Change outside of myself and Live it As myself.

 

As for Derren, I’ve learned important points in the past few weeks that I’ve been watching his shows online, it’s quite a brilliant way to expose humanity and made as attractive as any form of regular entertainment on national TV, that is genius – and a great source for money as well.

 

Suggestion is: support yourself, learn what common sense in Self Honesty mean, as well as reading all our blogs from the people that are already living this as a living decision of who we really are:  Journey To Life 

 

“We can take these Memories, these Buildings, our Physical Society and we can Change our Relationship to it, and to Each Other to be What is Best for All Life and we can Prevent Apocalypse. We can Change who we are, what we are, how we are, why we are – and a New World will be Born. This Way: the Old World will Pass Away and we’ll Create a New World. Then, we can Create a New Heaven because the Old One has already Passed Away.
Will we do so? Unfortunately, at this stage – it will still take Quite a While.” – Bernard Poolman

 

I will follow through in the next posts with respective self forgiveness for that usual impetus I get into whenever I react in any way toward this ‘mass’ that I belong to as humanity, which was the main reason I plead for the world to end in 2012, Self Responsibility and the ability to Stand Up is what I got.

Desteni

Desteni Forum

Desteni I Process 

“Join us at Desteni DIP Lite. The Journey to Change is Not Easy. If it was easy to Change, everybody would have. But because it is the most Difficult thing you’ll Ever Face, Real Change: very Few are Willing to Give Up their Lives as it exist now, to Give Up this One Life – to Produce on Earth a New World For All. That is the Great Service anyone can Give: Give up Self-Interest, to Serve the Interest of All, as what is Best for All Life. “  Bernard Poolman

Equal Money System

TakingMaskOff

Taking Off the Mask – 2008

 

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81. ‘We’re all going to die anyways’

Doomsday Character making the decisions for me.

 

Once that an apparent ‘choice’ is made and you decide to walk it: there’s no turning back. You face the consequences because, you decided to walk it for yourself.

Here I expose how I started creating excuses to not be absolutely self-directive in my career choice due to and because of still holding beliefs about the future, and specifically, 2012. I have exposed this point in the 2012 Death and Destruction post – however, this time is to expose the specific self-talk I used in relation to my career as a way to not have to actually direct myself to create a stable and self-directive future within the world system. I instead used the ‘art career’ as a way to only ‘get by’ in what I thought was ‘in the meantime’ of some major catastrophe/ end of the world scenario would take place.

I am writing this here, middle of 2012 and the sheer look at the backchat that I held for such a long time about 2012 as ‘the End’ seems laughable, however I did use it in ‘real life’ to make decisions. I mean, how far can we lead ourselves to when existing as Hope and in a general sense of uselessness to see no point in being/ becoming absolutely self-directive and self-responsible, just because of thinking that ‘I am going to die anyways.’

 

Let’s look at this character

Pattern: Future projection based on a belief of ‘the end of the world’ used as a means to not take absolute self-responsibility and self direction for myself toward a best for all outcome.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use the year 2012 as an excuse to study something that I could ‘at least’ have some fun with while waiting for ‘the world to end’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make decisions in my life based on what I thought was going to be ‘the end of the world’ and it matching it with it being ‘the last year of my career at school’ wherein I thought that the world was going to be in severe problems/ the shit would be extremely hitting the fan by ‘then’/now, and that there was no point in “killing myself” to study a career to have a ‘promissory future’ of success and money, if we were all going to die anyways.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to base my entire life upon a belief of ‘the end,’ and make decisions according to what I believed was ‘a certainty,’ without realizing that I was not even aware of myself breathing and that I cannot even take the next breath for granted – thus I realize how massively deluded I was and how I programmed myself from a very young age to only ‘live up to’ the very last year of ‘the end of the world’ as 2012.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make this decision the day that I watched all the conspiracy theories and the end of days prophecies in Discovery Channel when I was around 9 years old, and from that moment on imprint this belief within me as a certainty, which is how I built my fascination for ‘death and destruction’ as a certainty in this world, becoming the character that gets a kick out of everything that points out to ‘death and destruction,’ just because of this validating and reinforcing my belief on 2012 being ‘the end of the world,’ validating my excuses and justifications to not walk a life that will ‘last for long’ anyways.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold the backchat ‘Why should I ‘kill myself’ within walking some extremely difficult career to secure a future if we are all going to die anyways?’ and accordingly make decisions in my life, believing that I was really living ‘the last days.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make the type of art that would depict the belief of ‘the end of days’ simply because I could not see any other future for the Earth, without realizing that in doing so, I was already giving up and seeing ‘no way out’ – never realizing how I was in fact making essential decisions within my life based on a lie/belief that I had in no way a proof or certainty of. And, even if it was ‘real’ in such case, the single decision to find the way to make the ‘least effort’ was absolutely unacceptable as within this starting point of seeing everything in the future as ‘useless,’ I was already dooming my decision to fail, because I was not directing myself within the starting point of living/ directing myself to support myself to live, but I made the decision from the ‘doomsday character’ that was only getting ready to die.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold the backchat ‘At least I will study that which ‘I’ wanted to study’ which is the spitefulness that I based my entire decision of studying art upon, not realizing that the backlash of me making decisions based on spitefulness – such as going ‘against the tide’ as I’ve described previously – and wanting to ‘escape the system’– would eventually hit back to me, because it was never an informed decision, but more of an infatuation-based decision which implies that, just like when you get yourself in a relationship based on the idea of love, I got into art school while ‘being in love’ with art, but not really considering the practicality of me walking it as an actual career throughout my life.

 

Within this, I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make decisions in life based on preference/ like and infatuation leading to an obsession that I would justify and excuse, in every possible way, just like a religious person defending their faith – which is how I would shut off anyone sharing further perspectives about me ‘studying art’ and what I had to consider in practical living reality, but because I was so blinded by my desire, I did not hear and went for it by mere desire to fulfill my dream.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to take ‘my career’ as ‘my battle won against the system’ which implied my own family, the expectations that I believed and perceived everyone had about me studying some type of scientific/ mathematical career with a bright future ahead – but instead in my desire to ‘spite everyone’s expectations on me,’ I went for that which I thought would not be so consuming and draining to go through, believing that ‘my mission in life was something greater,’ and that there was no career for that. Besides of justifying this career choice in an almost imminent end of the world scenario that I believed was going to happen in 2012.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to even plan my future based on only having 6 years left of life, when I began my career, which reveals to what extent I was possessed by belief s and ideas of “the end of the world,” speaking self-righteously about it with people almost as if I had seen it for myself coming.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, within this apparent ‘certainty,’ also hold the fear of ‘What if nothing happens?’ which I would immediately hide and suppress by continuing talking myself into the ‘doomsday scenario,’ so that I did not have to face my reality, my choices in life and the decisions I had made based on a blatant belief, immediately talking myself into the next greatest way to ‘suppress’ the actual self-responsible realization with ‘Then, I’ll find a way’ which is how I tend to lead my life based on a ‘miracle-based future,’ wherein I expect things to ‘happen’ to me instead of me being the directive principle in every moment of my existence.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the character and pattern of ‘leaving things just be’ and within that, abdicating all my self-responsible directions in life to a consequential outflow that I had ‘faith’ was already ‘laid out for me in a positive manner,’ which was all pretty much based on beliefs in life paths, reincarnation, astrology and everything that I could use to see myself as a pattern that had a certain future of success.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to justify my decision in life because of not seeing myself in ‘survival mode’ wherein I would use the backchat ‘It’s not like I’m going to starve to death or something’ as a way to not worry about myself and my future, just because of using my family/ parents as a ‘backup’ in financial terms, wherein I believed that ‘if everything goes wrong = I at least have my parents to back me up for it

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a laxity about the future based on me not being existing in a survival mode, wherein money is ‘not a problem’ and believing that no matter what, I would always have someone to support me – this I used to validate my career choice as ‘acceptable,’ because of not having to worry if I didn’t make it, because I would not apparently ever end up with no money at all, just because of trusting that I would always be supported by my family.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my own self-responsibility in life toward my parents/ family being this ‘security’ in financial terms, wherein I knew that it would not matter if I was not ‘immediately successful,’ but that I would ‘make it somehow’ which was me projecting myself into the future as Hope, as ‘hoping’ that I would somehow ‘put my shit together and hit the jackpot’ in the artworld.

 

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold the backchat ‘Why should I even project myself in a future and plan it out if we are all going to die anyways’ – which is the perfect excuse that I used to not have to be self-directive in every single step and decision I took in life, leaving it all to an imminent future that I would then have to simply ‘cope with,’ without really considering the consequential outflow of my decisions and the future as to realizing what can I do/ how can I practically direct myself to place myself in a position in the world system wherein I can ensure I can support myself no matter what.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that ‘I’d rather ‘live in the moment and let all the woes of the future behind’ which was just me talking to myself into a state of laxity about my life, my decisions, my career and future based on this belief of ‘there’s nothing we can do, the end is imminent’ which was a statement of ‘I am only waiting to die’ which is exactly how I was living in the past, based on beliefs and ideas of ‘the end of the world,’ but also for the experience of finally ‘resting in peace’ from this world, as the final dot that I connected the belief of death to sentence ourselves to.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize how this ‘desire to die’ and for everything to end was also a character so that I didn’t have to be actually directing myself to construct a platform and foundation for myself and my future, but instead simply become this person that ‘surrenders to whatever comes,’ which is how spirituality influenced my life without me even being aware of it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ‘surrender’ to the future by thinking that ‘There’s nothing I can do to stop it (the end) if it’s already written how it ill be” which became a comfortable thought I could resort to whenever fear, anxiety and nervousness about myself and my future would emerge.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I should rather ‘enjoy life and live to the fullest in the time left’ which is how I allowed myself to go deep into pointless habits and a general self-deprecation toward myself, the world and my own relationships that were based on the support of this view on the world, so that I would not have to worry about actually considering solutions to myself, the world as myself and stand up from such doomsday scenario playing in my head; Instead I used people, images, beliefs and the witnessing of reality as a way to confirm that ‘I was right about the end of the world’ and that it was visible at plain sight we were on our way toward it.

 

I realize that even till this day, the atrocities, abuse and absolute mayhem we Are witnessing in the world are still linked to my belief of ‘the world is gonna end soon’ which I have stopped, but has remained as a way to ‘hinder’ my ability to see myself in the future, just because of thinking that this world is way too fucked up to be corrected. Thus I realize that within seeing ‘the world’ as a big massive self-destructive picture, I get this anxiety and hopelessness experience toward it which is the character that I have played throughout my life in order to ‘give up’ before even starting in walking myself as being the solution that we require in this world.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘at least art was a cool past-time for my ‘last days’ lol, which is how I would talk myself into convincing me that I had made the right choice because everything was going to ‘go to hell’ anyways, yet also believe that in the end, everything would always be ‘just fine,’ so that I would make of ‘the end’ this nice picture in my head instead of imagining all the suffering that would ensue with it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become the epitome of laxity and uselessness toward myself as my own life, my career choice, my decisions, my relationships wherein all that I was supporting was the ‘doomsday character’ as a way to simply get-by the last days of Earth,  envisioning myself  spending my ‘last days’ in a happy-future-projected artistic outcome instead of ‘killing myself’ in some ‘serious career’ which I is how I had defined any other non artistic career to be.

 

I realize that all decisions based on a belief were meant to end up failing because they were never based on the consideration of what is best for all life, what is best for myself, how do I really want to live and experience myself in the world wherein I am not pursuing a dream, but an actual self-development process that could lead me to become the solution that I saw this world required. I accepted and allowed myself to get lost in beliefs and be consumed by actual fears of having to face myself and my future, justifying my laxity with an ‘end of the world’ scenario that obviously is and will not happen, which is how I am walking the process of taking the ‘wheel’ of my life for the very first time, ensuring that every decision I make is based on the consideration of that which I see will be beneficial for all equally, wherein I can really see myself doing something that is of support to establish a world in Equality as Life.

 

 

 

Fire Burns Me Down (2004)

 

Self Corrective Statements:

When and as I see myself going into a ‘laxity’ and ‘uselessness’ mode about myself and my future, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is the consequence of me having based my life on a belief of ‘the end of the world’ wherein nothing would ‘really matter.’ Thus I direct myself to ensure that I walk the moment asserting myself as that which I am willing to be/ live as in every moment that I take responsibility for what I say, do and think within the consideration of what I participate in being directed to an outcome that is supportive for myself and others to live.

 

When and as I see myself going into a future projection of this world being ‘doomed’ -I stop and I breathe – I realize the projection for the comfortable lie that I used to hold as to justify my apparent ‘inability’ to direct myself effectively in the world system – thus I take self-responsibility to face the moment that I am here and stop any mind-shift and continue breathing to make practical decisions based on the point that I am facing within my world and reality.

 

When and as I see myself thinking that ‘something will sort itself out in the future,’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that I’ve used this thinking pattern as a way to not have to practically and physically direct myself to walk the steps necessary to walk something into completion. This implies that I ensure I walk point by point of one single future-projected plan by taking all aspects and participants into consideration based on the principle of what is best for all, wherein I ensure my participation is stemming from the actual self-correction of taking self-responsibility for my life and that of others as myself.

 

When and as I see myself using the excuse of ‘we’re all going to die anyways’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that this thinking pattern is a way for me to ‘step out ‘of my immediate responsibility from whatever I am facing in that moment. Thus I direct myself to instead ensure that every moment that I am here, I breathe and I direct myself within an understanding that living is every moment of breath here and not some ‘achievement’ to get to far away in the future. Thus I take responsibility for myself in the moment and ensure I make all decisions based on creating a life for myself and others as what’s best for all in a physical possibility.

 

When and as I see myself accessing a desire to ‘die’ whenever I face a seemingly impossible point in my life, I stop and I breathe. I realize that death in my mind is equal to giving up, which is just a tantrum-based character that I’ve used as a way to justify my actual lack of self-direction in everything I do wherein Death is a comfortable belief of ‘resting in peace’ so that I don’t have practically learn how to live and become self-directive in my world. Thus I ensure that I direct myself in every breath to live here, moment by moment integrating myself as the physical that is and directs itself to a best for all existence.

 

When and as I see myself believing that I will always have some ‘support’ by family as a way to not take responsibility for myself, I stop and I breathe. I realize the comfort of such belief/ idea being used by me to not take responsibility for my life. Thus I ensure that I stand for and by myself and my own means to not depend on someone else to ‘have a secured life’ in my reality.

 

When and as I see my entire life being seemingly ‘pointless’ and ‘meaningless’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is the most common excuse to not take responsibility for myself.  I realize that I am here, I am not going anywhere and that what I must do is support myself to establish myself here as life, self-directive, ensuring that every decision made, every word spoken, every thought is self-directed to walk the necessary process to establish a change within me and the world that leads to a best for all outcome, wherein I realize that all excuses are only fears and limitations that have no place to exist in and as who I am as breath.

 

“I commit myself to show that the Only real Self is the Flesh that Breathes and Makes the Experience in Matter possible, and that the Flesh is the Real Man that is Meant with = “Man Know Thyself” – Bernard Poolman 

 

At the end of the tunnel (2009)

Further support:

Blogs:

 

Further support:

Now, the real deal in explaining the Future:

 

The Death and Destruction Character


2012 Death and Destruction

To me 2012 was a year of ‘The End’ and I was once an acrid believer that something would happen in 2012. I would  get an energetic kick out of speaking about ‘the apocalypse,’ ‘the end of the world’ and all possible outcomes wherein I mostly wanted everything to be wiped out, it would make my life ‘exciting’ as in looking forward to the year we’ve just stepped in now.

I assume that this belief got to my ears through the Discovery Channel back in 1998 or around that time when I was interested in watching exorcisms, prophecies and all things occult that they would broadcast from time to time. The idea of ‘the end of the world’ and ‘alien abductions’ were topics that fascinated me and my father from a young age. We both wanted us to get abducted by aliens – yes as bizarre as that may sound – until I got to see a movie called ‘fire in the sky’ and then stopped desiring being alien abducted going to the opposite of ‘being scared of being alien abducted.’  Funny that I didn’t remember that and it just came up as I began writing.

The general ‘feeling’ of talking about aliens, the end of the world, Nostradamus, 2012, Earth’s cataclysms and the general madness in the world was that of excitement mixed with a sense of fear at the same time, along with a general sensation at a physical level like when you get chills,  it was an overall energetic experience to point it out bluntly. If I could give a word to it would be ‘sublime’ wherein something that is supposed to be of great horror produces a sense of  pleasure and fascination, mostly related to the pictures and aesthetics associated with it.

Now, I would have to go as far as seeing how living less than a 100 km away from a volcano that suddenly became quite active when I was 7 years old became part of this constant ‘watch’ of ‘something bad happening’ in the form of a natural disaster. I used to be the one linking all possible tragedies and events to a potential ‘end of the world,’ I became a clue-finder seeking in all religions and all prophecies all points that could match a general pattern that could confirm to me: the world is going to end in 2012.

2012 was of course then the reason why I came across Desteni while seeking lectures on YouTube explaining the Mayan Calendar by Ian Xel Lungold. This guy’s explanation seemed really accurate at the time in the overall understanding/ explanation of this calendar as the exact depiction of events and cycles that we’ve lived as humanity, which  made absolute sense to me. I bought a book by Dr. Calleman called The Mayan  Calendar and the Transformation of Consciousness – which I’ve recently given away – and after I read that book, I was eager to know ‘more’ about it all. So I ran a search and found Ian Xel Lungold from the Afterlife and the rest is history.

It all made sense to me right away, I became extremely excited and kept watching the material until I realized that 2012 had been a sick joke, a part of the program to keep humans entertained and realized that I had been duped just like everyone else. I mean, when I was in high school I would engage myself in long conversations about how we required to just give an end to the world, because that was the only solution I saw  to the increasing problems we were facing in that moment –this was around 2004/ 2005.

Now,we know that there will be no end of the world per se – The only End I could promote now is the endless human disregard and carelessness toward this reality as ourselves, the end of the negligence toward each other, the end of being self-centered humans that have no fucking idea of how the world works, how we are currently keeping the system in place and how the reality that we ‘seek to attain’ within this current system is sickening the world to its highest capacity.

After all these years- and I mean a belief that probably remained dormant and as a secret ‘back door’ in my mind for over half of my life – I realized that I wanted it all to end because deep inside I would see no solution, nor did I ever see myself as the point that could be the solution itself. I actually went as far as making choices in life based on ‘the world ending in 2012’ – I’m walking the manifested consequences of all the deliberate decisions I made based on me literally thinking that by 2011-2012 the situation in the world would be so dire that I would not have any time/money left to study, I pictured myself living in the worst case scenario by 2012 wherein I could finally make use of my excuse to not direct myself effectively while claiming ‘The world was going to end anyways!’

Just to give some perspective on the lies that I read. According to Calleman, by November 2011 there would be no human being on Earth without having reached enlightenment.

However, this entire 2012 point became more than just ‘a year,’ it was a general view/ perspective creating an entire personality within me of seeing humanity as doom. Now this is not about now stopping seeing the reality as it is. It’s about stopping perceiving the reality through the eyes/perspective of a general ‘doom’ and gloomy view wherein the thoughts that would run through my head were only that of giving a ‘clean end’ to this world. I realize that I don’t have to be keeping this ‘view’ on the world all the time. I am aware of it yet don’t allow myself to participate within further energetic kicks and secret resorts of thinking that I want it all to just end for once and for all.

AA’s videos on her wanting to end this entire existence were of great support for me in the past because I realized that I had the same ‘secret desire’ for that, yet she proved herself how it is not possible to destroy it all hence we go into the reason and excuse of why it was easier to promote and think of ‘an end’ to this reality without taking responsibility for it.

Self victimization is just another way to not take self responsibility and actually do what is required to be done. It was much easier to just claim doom and not actually take the time and dedication to correct myself.

As I continue this after having recorded myself in this, I see that 2012 point and general view on the world is no different to a god belief on something/ someone wiping out the Earth all of a sudden, with everything and everyone just having an end for once and for all. 

So, what I am doing here is directing myself to stop this personality which is one of those points that I’ve held on to as a point of self definition that entailed ‘hope’ as well, not hoping for things to ‘get better’ but hoping for a clean end to come out of nowhere for everyone.  I mean, these thoughts of wanting to exterminate it all are quite old. I have an image of having these thoughts when I was in elementary school – around 5th grade – and how when discussing the rate of pollution and general problems in the world, I had this image of extermination of all humans in my head, I judged myself for having those thoughts because of seeing them as ‘evil.’ Ever since I kept it as a secret, a form of general ‘disgust’ toward myself and the rest of humanity for becoming the scavengers of this Earth. Once again, this is not to now claim ourselves to be little white doves, this is to end the energetic input I would place to this which would create general experiences of animosity and apathy toward human beings, another form of superiority wherein I apparently was the only one that ‘saw’ reality and our ‘true parasitic nature’ on this Earth.

Actually, part of this process has been moving from this general aversion toward humanity into making myself the  proof that it is possible to change. This is not easy, it is a process – though I am certain that it is possible because we have examples already of that with many walking this process along. We’re not done yet of course and there’s a lot to be walked through as the manifested consequences of our general disregard toward life in this reality. However,  this time it’s very clear how to proceed from now on in terms of not participating in this general personality of seeing it all as gloomy-doomy eventually becoming my own experience and contributing to the actual doom and gloom that many human beings are in fact experiencing every single day because of our general disregard. Once again, it’s easier to have a particular gloomy perspective toward the world instead of taking self responsibility for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to add a positive charge to ‘end of the world’ ideas as that would mean that I would be – apparently – able to finally ‘rest’ and ‘forget about it all’ in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I could ‘get away from this reality’ by dying and within this, believing that ‘it all would end which could only signify that I am not willing to walk an actual process of re-educating ourselves to live for the very first time as equals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts of death and destruction  creating a general view/ perspective of reality wherein I would see ‘no way out’ of it other than  exterminating humanity to ‘end it all’ for this world.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to see and realize that within wanting to ‘end it all’ I would only be standing as a single perspective according to ‘how I see the world’ wherein acting and thinking from this starting point destroying it all, would be an actual selfish and self-centered perspective, without taking into consideration the whole as myself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that ‘wanting to end it all’ = wanting to end the creation that I thought I could not stand one and equal to, to create a point of self correction as myself within this reality, and instead resorting to quick fixes such as ‘ending it all’ because of believing and perceiving there was ‘no way out’ of it. I /we / all are creators of this reality and we take into consideration the fact that we must work together as equals toward a best for all outcome, instead of hiding and damning this reality by participating in thoughts that indicate an actual abdication of self responsibility.

I realize that the only way for us human beings to be acceptable within this world will be through a process of becoming Earthlings, living according to Earth’s rules and cycles, wherein we actually become the caretakers of nature, the animal kingdom and the entirety of the planet and every single part of it that is equally here, assisting and supporting the unconditional expressions that are here and that we’ve neglected for all this time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/ desire and wish for ‘an end’ to all of this as a form of not having to face myself, not having to actually live a life of actual work and dedication to create myself as the point of change I see we require to take on as ourselves to create a world that’s best for all. I see, realize and understand that ‘seeking the end’ is another quick fix to not have to actually face the consequences of our actions as human beings. I direct myself to be and become the change that I want to see in this world, not only for myself but for the rest of the beings that are equally here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form this personality of seeing only ‘death and destruction’ as a form of sticking to a point of self-definition and entire personality wherein all things related to such points would be of my ‘fascination,’ which is another way to keep myself entertained and ‘fascinated’ with the experience/ energetic kick I’d get out of it, instead of actually investigating how I have contributed to the separation that is existent within this reality that is ourselves, our creation.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to perpetuate this point of ‘doom and gloom’ by engaging and promoting ‘the end of the world’ wherein the secret desire was that of not having to actually walk a life of taking self responsibility, of having a job, having to walk the general lifestyle that a human being has – hence I actually feared facing this reality ‘as it is,’ and the quick way out of that was through ‘exterminating everyone’ including myself, which is an actual self-righteous and self-centered perspective that is not taking into consideration the actual consequences taken in the name of others as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify myself with this general fascination  with ‘the end of the world’ and create it as a ‘link’ toward my father because of him ‘liking these topics as well’ and making of it a justification of why I get these thoughts of death and destruction and have made them something ‘cool’ to talk about, because of how I used to use such topics to be able to relate to him.

I actually got to confirm this by striking a conversation with him and getting to see what’s the source of his general anger explosions over really insignificant things (e.g. “losing” the parking lot’s ticket and becoming extremely irritated about it) and the conversation got us to how he gets violent thoughts toward other human beings wherein in the past, if enough rage accumulated, he’d actually engage into verbal/physical fights –

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to divert my point of responsibility by exerting anger and rage toward the world and seeing ‘the world’ and the people in it as ‘the problem,’ instead of first looking at myself and realizing where I am not being self honest and taking responsibility for what I am participating in within my thoughts wherein the ultimate separation toward other human beings and the entire existence is generated to eventually be manifested as the reality that we’re living in.

We’ve accepted this ‘temperament’ as ‘hereditary’ and it was only yesterday that I saw how I would identify with such thoughts that he would sometimes externalize in a half-joking way. I always accepted them as part of my father’s personality, never seeing how such point existed within me as well. Hence all of this is here to understand how I have created myself according to my father’s thoughts in terms of death, extermination and so forth. It’s fascinating because you don’t get that impression of people holding these thoughts when interacting with  them (him/ myself) yet such thoughts are actually existent within us, which is a general fucked up thing really as the invisible backchat that we hold every single moment that we are not breathing here, it is only now that I am here to stop them for once and for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create  of this ‘death and destruction’ perspective of the world as another form of ‘hope’ and ‘belief’ for something just provoking the end of the world in one way or another, just so that I don’t have to actually walk through the manifested consequences of having separated myself from this reality and not taking responsibility of it/myself = self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever get a sense of comfort out of talking and voicing these thoughts with another and get validation in the form of ‘I think  the same way,’ wherein I then accepted my thoughts on death and destruction as ‘valid’ within the context of not feeling ‘as evil’ now because ‘someone else is also experiencing it’ therefore it must be ‘okay’ to stick with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to this particular personality as a way to keep ‘myself’ as an ego that solaces in thinking/ wishing for an end so that I don’t have to face myself in reality.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have disgust toward myself as a human being and a general aversion toward humanity because of only seeing us as parasites sucking out the life out of this reality instead of looking at how we can become the points that support life and stand as pillars to restore that which we have destroyed and neglected throughout time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep a ‘secret desire’ to end this world, to give an end to my life and everyone’s life just because of not seeing a way out of this. Very interesting, I see how self-righteous this point is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act in self-righteousness whenever I see and perceive that ‘there is no other way  other than killing everyone’ and within this, taking a decision for myself and ‘everyone else’ without even taking a moment to consider the actual implication of this point in reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to view this world and reality from the starting point and perspective of death and destruction wherein I saw no ability to create solutions because of allowing myself to be overwhelmed by the words, pictures and images that I’ve seen and participated in, without realizing that with me existing in such a constant and perpetual ‘point of view,’ I am actually co-creating and manifesting this reality the way that I am currently seeing it and perceiving it – therefore I stop because it is common sense to stop adding more misery and destructive thoughts to this reality.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that within the very starting point of ‘how I see the world’ I am perpetuating this general view of death, destruction, helplessness and overwhelming experience of the world ‘as myself,’ without realizing that whatever I accept and allow myself to think and experience, I am in fact not stopping but continuing to participate in it as a form of keeping my mind/ thoughts/ personality intact and creating an excuse as to why it is ‘okay’ for me to continue existing in this particular world-view/ reality-perspective.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to engage into the perspective of death and destruction because of feeling like a ‘victim’ within this world, wherein I would see myself as a victim from the starting point of ‘not having ‘chosen’ to come to this world’ hence justifying my actions and perspectives as an outcome of me ‘not having chosen to be here.’

 I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create of the belief ‘I did not choose to come to this world’ a justification and validation to judge everyone in this world as ‘humanity’ as a form of spitefulness for believing and perceiving that I was only brought into this world without me wanting to be here – hence using t his point as a form of justification to rebel against my parents at some point and against the world that I thought ‘wasn’t meant for me.’

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use this perspective as a form of superiority wherein I was in fact only seeking to validate my excuses to not take self responsibility for this world just by the mere fact of being here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a sense of helplessness when looking at the world wherein it became an easier aspect to ‘play out’ as an experience, instead of becoming the point of solution that I see is required in this world, instead of only focusing on the doom and gloom wherein the only ‘way out’ was a general wish/ desire for human extermination.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to contribute to the current reality of actual death and destruction that I judge, criticize and complain about without realizing that within my own experience as the general perspective toward myself and this world, I was re-creating that which I wanted to ‘stop’ – hence I stop seeking an ‘end’ outside of myself and become the end of such experiences myself, wherein I do not accept and allow  myself to perpetuate such thoughts to use them as an excuse to ‘not stand up’ because it all being seemingly ‘futile.’

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to only consider ‘my own view’ of this world as ‘real’ and accepting the blunt ways in which I see/ perceive it as ways in which I could justify my apparent inability to create and stand as the solution, instead of always having the same starting point wherein no matter how much I could see the common sense of a general situation, because of having this initial and ingrained starting point of ‘wanting to end it all,’ everything would be diminished to the level of ‘temporary highs’ that I would use to get myself ‘up’ for a moment, only to reach the bottom once that I would go back to seeing the world in the same way/ perspective of death and destruction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create my own veil toward this reality wherein I have stated ‘all I can see is death and destruction’ and within that, creating my entire experience accordingly, wherein I would go judging people in this world from a superiority point without daring to look at myself and how I am in fact part of the same points that stand in separation from each other the moment that we dare to remain as such self-judgment, disregarding that we are in fact doing this to ourselves within the realization that we are all part of this reality that is here as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within wanting to ‘get rid of something’ I am actually not standing one and equal to it to create a solution ‘within it’ and mingle myself as equal to such points to become the direction that is required to create a best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to  use the idea of ‘killing/ exterminating/ getting rid of’ as quick fixes to not have to actually walk the process of self-correction that is here and that I am being able to walk one and equal as everything and everyone else that is willing to stand as equals as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually fear facing the manifested consequences of this reality and within fear, wanting everything to just ‘disappear’ so that I don’t have to deal with the ‘ghosts’ of regret and guilt for not having done anything to stop this reality as myself, within myself.

The point that I explained in the video 2012 the world ends with you is exactly this point: if we don’t like what we see, we then become the point of change that we want to see in this world instead of being perpetually judging it and confining myself to a single perspective wherein it becomes quite ‘difficult’ to see ‘some light at the end of the road’ without realizing that I have only been placing myself deliberately to look only through that tunnel, instead of realizing I can simply stand aside and see the greater picture without having to seek for ‘a way out’ but instead see how I am able to integrate myself – mingle myself – as one and equal as everything that  is here through practically correcting my perspective and view of this world to begin with.

And so, this is the process that I’m walking. This is the beginning of the end of my self created doomsday perspective of this world. If I see that this reality must stop, that this reality cannot continue as it is existing now, I become that point that stops within myself at the thought level. Instead I support myself to start seeing how to create solutions, how to correct myself, how to implement ways in this world wherein we can walk an actual process of self-creation in equality in every moment that I am able to breathe here, stop participation in doom and gloom and instead, use that to expose this reality along with the practical solutions to stop such events from manifesting, which is the process that begins with ourselves. I stop.

Suggest hearing AA’s video on this point which allowed me to ‘breakthrough’ this point

Too Lazy to Change

2012 The World Ends with You

Support yourself – learn how to walk this process to the utmost specificity here

Beginners – Thoughts, Writings and Self Forgiveness – Conscious, SubConscious and UnConscious Mind


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