Tag Archives: dreams come true

262. Why is Nothing Ever Good Enough?

 

Continuing from

220. Drug Culture: Mad Society as a Lifestyle

From the previous blog

And this is How we got ourselves to create all forms of discomfort with ourselves as a physical body, as a being in this world: we accepted our Thinking as who we are, we accepted our internal conflict/ discomfort/ tormented thoughts as ‘who we are,’ we accepted this emotional distress as ‘who we are,’ we accepted these judgments of emotions and feelings as ‘who I am’  – this is what we have become: a mind-possessed individual by a system that we accepted and allowed ourselves to be/become, a system that reflects that inherent separation from who we are as physical beings.

 

The perks of stopping participation in our thoughts, feelings and emotions is finally establishing a point of stability in the physical wherein we learn how to breathe, learn how we operate as our mind and then realize that it is not necessary to feel or become emotional to be alive, which was one of the greatest fallacies I admit having lived by throughout my life, just like everyone else did as well. Essentially, getting to know how we operate as the mind, understanding how it is a system that runs for and as energy and how we can stop defining our lives according to what goes on in our minds and actually become self-directive as it is one of the key aspects that should be integral to our education from the moment we step into this world.

 

Currently, this entire world-system is designed to support and enhance who we are as the mind, because that is what we believed ‘living’ was about: existing as thoughts, feelings, emotions in order to ‘get somewhere’ and ‘get fulfilled’ somehow, never satisfied, never complete, never good enough unless one would get the greatest job in the world, the greatest partner, the most money to be successful in the world. This energetic drive being taught from the moment your parents teach you what positive reward is and you learn how to compete against others in school, is what becomes the “living principle” for your life: striving to live, fighting to live, doing all you can to achieve your dreams – but, who said such dreams were innate to you? Who said that you have to follow each human being’s dreams that is based upon having a point of superiority in this world compared to everyone else? No one, we just have followed the current and the drive as if it was truly our intention and meaning to do so.

 

Because we did not understand how the mind operates through generating friction and conflict to generate energy – just like you have to stroke two sticks against each other to create fire or create friction on the phosphorus of a match to ignite the flame – anything that we define ourselves as through energy as an experience – emotion or feeling – becomes a point of self interest when we define ourselves according to such experience, later on becoming ‘that which creates a point of pleasure/ turmoil in our minds/ that which we like or enjoy, that which we hate or love’ – all of it only knowledge and information, which is what we then learn how to define ourselves by: our mind, but: where’s the physical body considered in all of this? Are we aware of how we are getting all these thoughts and inner energetic churnings? No, and that’s been the greatest and real secret veiled from our eyes: all energetic experiences represent the point of abuse we have blindly participated in, because we never questioned how the mind worked.

 

But, this self interest is not stemming from a genuine self-experience of seeking happiness, love and bliss, we only look for such ‘positivity’ because of the inherent basic self-experience that exists within the context of the negative. Who creates such instability in our day to day living experience? As explained in the previous blog: as physical beings we don’t require to have a temporary emotional or feeling high to be alive, we are alive the moment that we eat, breathe, relate to others, have a massive reproductive process going on as all our cells and vital processes in our physical body take place as we eat and consume other living beings that enable us to continue alive, we coexist with an innumerable amount of living beings that have a life of their own that is perfectly self-aware of how they co-operate with the rest of the species, environment as an entire ecosystem that functions according to physical laws that enable life to be existent. They are aware, we are not – the reason? Being only seeing reality through the mind that we have accepted and allowed ourselves to define ‘who we are’ as – only – and this has prevented us from ever seeing what is really being consumed in the name of our personal ‘positive experiences’ without ever asking: but Why am I seeking for happiness, love, eternal bliss and enjoyment in the first place?

 

The descriptions we’ve gotten from how the mind operates in the physical can reveal to us one thing: we are really truly only seeing the world of shadows while missing the actual reality that is probably looking like some interdimensional H.R. Giger world that we have conveniently numbed ourselves from seeing/ being aware of at all times. Frightening? Well, if we could see our murky waters contaminated by our own participation in the mind, I’m sure that our depiction of beauty in the outside would be reduced to being a collective hallucination of seeing beautiful paradises in a concrete jungle.  A mirage/ a mirror of the mind that only sees this physical reality according to the knowledge and information that we have trained ourselves to see and react to, just like applications running with other applications: never understanding their own basic code/ programming at all.

 

This is how Life has been reduced to an image, to a good feeling, a nice experience that we collectively fool ourselves to enjoy,  but most of the times it is only us following the same white elephant in our minds that ends up being nothing else but the same old thing that we can feel ‘happy’ about within the idea of who we are as the mind, but this is only for a moment until it runs dry and becomes ‘old’ again, because it no longer creates the same excitement, it becomes something ‘usual’ and all the friction and conflict as fear or desire is simply not there any loner – and what happens here? We start believing that There is Something Wrong with Us, that we are inherently flawed, never fulfilled, never satisfied, always looking for self outside in a relationship, in a certain social position, money, sex, drugs or rock and roll then… what are we exactly fighting for/ aiming at? Have you stopped for a moment to wonder: what are you exactly Doing in your life, what is it for?

 

Life became a jackpot to win, never pondering why I sought to experience ‘More’ than myself – unfortunately I sought for answers, making myself an intellectual junkie that could someday get a meaning for life while missing out every single breath that could power all my emotions and feelings in a desire to someday be something magnificent, great, fulfilled – I bet we all spend our entire lifetimes waiting for our lives to happen and then, nothing comes/ nothing happens awe are just kept searching for meanings and purpose outside of ourselves, building an experience of self loathing, dissatisfaction that oozes through every word we speak, ignoring the reality of ourselves.

 

If who we are as the mind has driven us to where we are now in humanity then what’s really there to lose by deciding to stop following these white elephants in our minds and instead dare to get to know, see and understand how we created such tormenting thoughts in the first place, to common sensically see: okay, I have followed ‘my dreams,’ my desires – where have I truly gotten myself to? Am I supporting myself to become a better human being? Have I become a self directive person within all the daily conversations I hold in my mind?  We all dislike to feel ‘bad’ and ‘down,’ however it is all in our minds: the physical body does not require a mood to function properly, like suddenly needing some drama to digest our food better, or requiring some adrenaline to be able to separate the proteins in order to assimilate them as nutrients for our body – and this is how anything that we Believe we need in order to be ‘alright’ as an energetic experience of either a perceived positive or negative experience, is what becomes an energetic pattern that we become addicted to in order to ‘be alright.’

 

Existing in/as the mind means one will never be good enough, one will never be at peace and ease because the mind thrives on friction and conflict, just like any engine requires to create a spark to generate the combustion that enables movement, and just like an engine requires fuel: we are consuming this physical reality as our fuel due to existing as this never-fulfilled engine that cannot be sustainable, how could it be when we got billions of human beings chasing after the same mind-fueled dreams while neglecting other couple of billion that are existing with the minimal amount of fuel/self support, existing without any ‘dream’ other than having food and the basic means to live, while we can be thriving for the next greatest product to buy and upgrade in our current lifestyles – yet we are all human beings and the only thing that has created a difference is the amount of money we were able to have access to, that’s what is really defining what type of dreams we will have: having food, shelter, clothing, sanitation, water, education and a general stable environment to live in or your next gadget, clothing, car, trips around the world, you name it, and there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with wanting such things either, it is just how we have deliberately maimed the possibility for all beings to have equal opportunity to also be able to enjoy life the same way that us having money have the opportunity to do. Is it acceptable? As long as there are beings that have no access to this, it isn’t – hence:

 

The greatest challenge we are walking in this Process is to unhook ourselves from the addiction toward our own mind, because as we go we will understand how this inner-turmoil that we have identified ourselves as is what leads us to ‘mitigate’ the experience with further energy, which is just like adding more fuel to our already filled up tank wherein we over-drive ourselves to get somewhere/ become someone, chasing after chasing this mirage of fulfillment that can never be real, how could it be if it was all only brewed in our own mind?

 

After reading this, you might get some proper context of how we have been chasing this illusionary or phantasmal tale that we placed as a goal within our life, which has been molded and shaped according to what everyone else has also believed they should follow: love, money, health, beauty, peace and everything linked to a successful living, attaining all the money in the world that should be given by default as a living-right and resource to all beings Equally, instead of being isolated ‘goals’ to ‘attain’ throughout a life of suffering and competition. If we remove the ‘fight for survival’ factor in our reality, I’m sure that we will have much more time to ponder what is it in fact that we believed we had to be/become in order to be ‘fulfilled.’ And this, will slowly but surely enable a real awakening by each human being: we have only been chasing after our own tails, who we are is complete as a unit and we just require to learn how to coexist as organic beings that function as an integral part of a greater ecosystem, that’s it.

 

At the moment our functioning is in complete opposition and reverse to ‘the greater scheme,’ which should point out a few things: We have only been destroying ourselves and neglecting life due to following the voices in our heads, it is not that we are insane or there is something wrong with us, we just have to understand why and how such ‘flawed’ nature exists only in our mind, learn how to correct ourselves as our mind, stand one and equal to our physical boy and as such: learn how to Live as a physical being – after all we all wanted to be happy, but happiness is not a mental flickering place, but a constant stability of having everything that we require as self support given and received in equality, realizing that it is possible to support All beings equally – that’s what I truly see will make me finally at ease: never again having to see one single person suffer in this world, one single animal, plant or insect killed by our human negligence. For that, we must stop being hooked on our self-created abusive delusions in our mind and that is done through Self-Forgiveness, Self Honesty, Self Corrective Application and Breathing to always be aware of what is REAL in this reality and how we are and have always been complete and functional here, it is only in our minds that we haven’t been so, and that is what we are standing up for here.

 

“But, fortunately – Life Continues, when the Road of Consciousness Ends. And eventually, Life will be Restored – even on Earth, and Consciousness will be Eradicated Forever.” – Bernard Poolman 

 

Let’s do this, my fellow humans.

 

For further support:

Desteni

Desteni Lite Process – Online Free Course

Desteni I Process

Equal Money System : the end to our delusional successful drives to only benefit ‘one’ and instead benefit ALL as Oneself in Equality, as an actual unit and self-sustainable organism.

 

TheIllusion

Blogs:

Day 262: Consciousness is a Parasite

New Year / New HERE: DAY 262

 

Further Support:

If you ever get violent thoughts/imagination and don’t know what to do, support yourself with:

Demons in the Afterlife – Part 18+19

If you see yourself thinking that only through having a relationship you will be satisfied, listen to

Relationship Success Support – Intimacy Personality (Part 2)

And great support to understand our constant mind-activity and how to become self directive as it:

Quantum Systemization – Repetitive Thought Pattern Control System – Part 13
Quantum Systemization – The Time Control System – Part 12
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226. Seeking for a Posi+ive Fix All the Time?

Why are we always wanting to ‘feel good’ without seeing how we are pinning ourselves up in the cross we all bear as the desire for posi+ivi+y?

 

Elitist Character: Drug Culture – Energy Addiction as our Self-Consuming Demise

 

 

Ok, here’s the deal. I realized that in order to walk this process to the fullest it is to take a similar decision to when you decide to quit taking drugs or stop any other habit that has been life/time/money and self-integrity consuming. The decision is made in one moment – Living it, becomes our entire lifetime.

Fear of commitment? Well, let’s see it as easy as: the moment I fear committing myself to something is because I am already wanting/ needing/ desiring to leave an open back door to be able to ‘escape for more,’ which then not a decision made by Self Here in stability as the physical, but still wanting to remain satisfying ourselves as the mind.

Then I ask myself: am I willing to continue deceiving myself for a longer time here? The answer is No, I can’t. And even if I am aware that there will be ‘withdrawal symptoms’ of whatever I am willing to stop, it is a certainty of what must be done in order to walk this Process to the T and focus on breathing, living and not continuing supporting the who I am as the mind of energy that comes through all these wants/ needs/ desires like:

  • I want to
  • I need to
  • I desire to
  • I look forward to
  • I am living up for
  • I crave for
  • I could die for
  • I would kill for – see how these idioms are part of our lexicon lol
  • I hope for
  • I pray for – yes the religious infection here
  • I dream of
  • I fight for
  • I wait for
  • I wish
  • I live up to

 

Have a look for yourself, how many times a day you think or speak these words and anything that comes afterward is a point that will most certainly cause you a certain good experience, something you want/ need/ desire to fulfill as an experience that you’ve defined as ‘more’ than what you already are here.

 

 

Yes, that constant inner-experience of: wanting, needing, desiring, hoping, yearning, wishing, craving, looking forward to, being dreaming of, living up for and essentially, everything that I used as a point to eventually ‘get’ in separation of myself, that something that became a single abstraction that I would be bound to in a masochistic manner. I say masochistic because it is so, every time we bind ourselves to the idea of wanting, needing and desiring something or someone = red flag, the mind’s got us by the balls. And that is a certainty  really, to be unaware of what the hell goes IN FACT inside our bodies when we access the single slightest level of excitement which can only stem from fear, the single slightest level of love that can only stem from fear, the single slightest experience of happiness that can only stem from fear – how? why? simple mathematics that we’ve learned, isn’t it?  (-) (-) = +

Interesting that even the ‘Positive Sign’ is a Cross, did Jesus get crucified on a cross to point out the suffering of what seeking the Positive does?

 

Did Jesus die to get us all unhooked on drugs? That would be a contemporary explanation of the crucifixion = +fixion, the fixation on the positive, the happiness, the bliss, the drugs, the high of the mind as emotions and feelings. Isn’t that our demise currently? It is, all this world is being consumed by us, human beings, due to having followed our ‘dreams’ as desires in our minds while disregarding basic physical considerations within reality that must be extracted, abused and consumed to create a certain experience within us. Whenever I write about ‘consideration of the physical’ the reproductive cycle of fish comes to mind. That’s where I learned that people should not fish every single day during the whole damn year, because the species had to reproduce and then grow to eventually be fished. Did we respect such reproductive cycles? No we didn’t, because we had to satisfy our mind urges to have quantum fish here, in the ‘Now’ of our fantabulous consciousness. You see the CON now?

 

Got your Fix?

This is about the reduction of reality, of life, of who we are to mere stimulation things. Everything became a point separated from ourselves due to the relationship formation processes we created toward everything and everyone in existence. The nature of such separation is inevitable suffering, separation, abuse of any form – all because of missing out one primary aspects as existence: we are all one and equal.

Now, this context is necessary to understand then why being addicted to Energy is the same as being willing to lick Satan’s boots if you are a Christian for example. Meaning, how could we in any way pretend to be ‘good doers’ if our very mechanism in which our mind operates at all times is based on the consumption of our very physicality to transform it into Energy, Energy that we have glorified, deified and crucified ourselves to be able to constantly get our energy fix through which ever mean one would program oneself to: money, sex/ love, sports, drugs, food, buying, jumping off cliffs, food, TV, books, magazines, gardening, cleaning, exercising, traveling, learning, working… yes, the point here to realize is how we have essentially equated everything into a drug, Anything can be a point of stimulation in our minds and that means that we have been preponderant to be able to abuse and turn into an energetic satisfaction of sorts.

Is there any form of integrity within these relationship formation processes? No, the word says it itself: integral = whole/ complete – whereas a self-corruption within conformity – as our entire system is currently functioning – leads to a massive acceptance of self destruction upon warning or missing out all the warnings along the way. It is done, we can’t create more specialness to everything and everyone to what is already here, fake characters interacting with each other consuming self-defined relationships of abuse as an energetic fix that would

And so, I will walk the self forgiveness for having reduced life as this physical reality and people to equivalents of drugs, because: to understand drugs, one must understand the mind and the energetic requirements that are the actual driving forces in our reality – are we in control? Have we been the directive principle of ourselves? Never, we’ve always succumbed to the nice fluffy experiences even if it is obvious that such experience is based and founded upon abuse.

To me being able to understand this was also a like solving a mystery I could not fathom within myself: why do we always FALL for the same thing over and over again? Why do we Like self abuse? Why do we enroll ourselves in abusive situations and relationships even if there are options to not do so? The reality is that the physical as Life as who we really are would not make such decisions, it is the mind that is assessing how to maintain its constant energy fix through us participating in fixations in the mind. That’s it. Now, there is an entire mind-technology behind this all and you can for sure Educate yourself on how this all works within the Quantum Mind Self Awareness interviews, as well as understanding the real forces that we’ve been living as till today, which are the actual evil in this world due to all energetic relationships are the result of separation, friction and conflict. This is how there can be no love as a bunch of butterflies in your stomach, there can be no happiness when it is stemming from the actual fear that one exists in the first place to seek the Posi+tive .

 

What does Jesus have to do within all of this – all the story is told here: The Crucifixion of Jesus to understand the relationship between the physical body and the mind and what the pinning of Jesus to the cross actually meant, which is at simple view the sacrifice of the physical body for the mind/god which is nothing else but the energy requiring machine. That’s what we’ve satisfied only: the Body, the physical flesh does Not require to ‘feel good’ to exist, in fact, Living is not about Feeling but about remaining Here as Breath – breath provides the necessary oxygen for all the nutrients to be absorbed by the physical body. I remember reading in the back of a Radiohead cd: Oxygen should be regarded as a drug and realized we had gone too far already with the entire drug culture point to the extent of making the air we breath another high – well, it keeps us alive and that’s what matters. Do we require more than that? We don’t, but who we are as the mind does.

 

This is how the cross + our seeking of the positive is the sacrifice we’re always inflicting upon ourselves as the physical, it’s like a battle between the light and the dark but everything’s been in reverse and the darkness represents the physical body, the substance, the life from which we all come from – the light is the mind, the system, the energy that dazzles our sight and is presented in all these beautiful /positive forms while ignoring the actual processes that are existent behind any form of energetic experience – whether positive or negative – same point – because both positive and negative signify poles of the same thing which is Energy. Therefore, we can see that the real problem here is all that we’ve done to ourselves in the name of Energy, The Mind, Consciousness acting as a parasite on the physical. 

 

To learn more about this existential explanation of who we are as the mind as consciousness, read Heaven’s Journey To Life where the road to the physical is essentially stopping feeding our obsessions and abuse toward the physical and BE in and as the physical body, participating in our physical reality supporting each other to step out of the same fascinations and turn this world into a rehab center, if you will, an educational one where we are not seeing each other as sinners any longer seeking for bits of heaven, but as individuals that understand how this is a decision that must be made in absolute self awareness of what we are doing to ourselves and the actions that we have to correct within us at an individual level to stop existing as/ supporting only the energy consuming machine that we’ve become as our mind only.

 

 

This is a general background to understand why and how we have turned our reality into an energy source for ourselves as mind-machines being willing to do anything to get our fix: this entire reality as the world system is working the exact same way and based upon the exact same principles I’ve described above, and who’s benefitting from it? Only the system in itself, not even human beings in positions of power are being benefitted from this process wherein we have all ‘played our part’ and unless we stop role-playing, we’ll probably continue this game until there are no more roles to play, as there will be nothing else to buy/consume for our satisfaction.

.Now you understand a bit more of what the cruci-fix-ion is about within this context, fixating on energy in which ever form you wish, we are all addicts and certainly not proud of it as this world is the result of every single bit of want, need and desire that stemmed from our mind that only seeks to benefit itself, never life, never the physical: we are the ones that must change the way reality, our physical body and this entire world system functions. There is no Jesus coming to save us, that’s for sure.

I extended the ‘introduction’ but, it’s necessary to have context to understand addictions and all types of fixations before we commit ourselves to stop – Why would I want to stop that which makes me ‘feel great’? Because that which apparently makes me ‘feel great’ for a few hours, minutes becomes the most enslaving experience that one can be constantly existing as, which is only existing as a mind in tunnel vision fixating on wanting, needing and desiring to get this/that in order to apparently feel fine – but, as Marduk explained: once we get it, we realize something: we really didn’t want it anyways, it was just the experience of Wanting it that which kept us always hooked on the same thoughts, feelings in our mind.

That’s not living.

Next post: Self Forgiveness, Self Corrective Application on the basics to walk this self-commitment to stop participating in energy of the mind and what that entails.

 

Desteni 

Desteni I Process

Desteni Lite Process – Free Online Course to get to know  yourself and STOP participating in that which is not in accordance to what is best for all life = no more energetic fixes for sure

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Leaving Dreams to Live the Dream into Reality

I Threw some rocks off in the sea.

And by this I mean downloading that which we have seen for ourselves already yet probably not exposed as such before, but merely let go of while walking and realizing that there is some weight we all carry around like stones – memories.

Letting go of memories is part of walking this process of Self Honesty within the realization that: I am not my memories as I am not this prefab mind that has existed only with the purpose of fulfilling some preordained life-track that I’ve merely followed as ‘myself’ as ‘who I am’, believing myself to be all the feelings and emotions that I had experienced, that’d take me to that up and down ride in quite a disruptive manner – man, it wasn’t cool. Even if I’d kid myself about ‘feeling alive’ when going in these rides, I knew that I wouldn’t have been able to keep myself existing that way for a long time, seemed to tiring, seemed like I could drive myself nuts at any time – yeah, that’s how it was when I’d participate on the mind extensively mostly generating emotions and feelings around this.

A part of the rocks I’ve thrown at the sea is all these dreams that I had in relation to ‘who I want to be’ – lol when I write this several images come up and a twitch on my left knee indicate: yep, this is it: Egoland!

Sweet Dreams are Made of this

So! First memory of ‘what I wanted to be’  was an astronaut. As a kid – and I didn’t even know how to read at that age so it must’ve been a bit early on – I used to take this book about the space travels and the universe and I’d go page by page looking at the pictures just wanting to be Buzz Aldrin or someone like that. I seriously considered on my early ages becoming one until my oldest sister said: nah, your eyesight is not cool and your heart has a slight arrhythmia – you would never make it past their rigorous medical exams to test health condition. So, I gave up the dream just like that – saw myself unfit for it.

Next on was ‘ I wanna be in a rock band’ yeah! As a ‘kid’ later on mostly around 7 I became fond of watching music videos on MTV. I developed a taste for the rebels that I’d see on tv as ‘rock people’ and so, yeah I wanted to be one of them. My heroes weren’t cartoon people but women that were leading rock bands or any other girl that’d be in all-male bands so, you can get the picture of it. I developed a lot of my then personality around that, extensively – though I’ve accepted some of those traits as myself to be open and share and express regardless of any limitation I perceived, so that’s cool – yeah won’t deny I also walked through the ‘shadowy’ part of it, but that’s another story. Being in a band was my ‘third option’ in terms of ‘professional career’

The dream I had when I was on my teens – this was around 2001 was – and I’m gonna write it literally – being the editor in chief of Spin magazine – lol. Yes I enjoyed music, I still do, I was obsessed with music and had gathered a lot of information about it, I was a devoted music junky for some time which occupied most of my time so I was kind of ‘preparing’ myself because I wanted to someday get an internship at that magazine and ‘make it’ to New York and have a super fab loft living on the big apple, having some nice coffee next door, writing for this magazine, hanging out with artists and party in New York. I used to read books that were mostly related to or based in New York, lots of Beat books and generation x-related content. I wanted to ‘make it’ through my writing and at the same time, be writing for what I then thought was ‘the coolest music magazine ever’. Lol I actually got to know more about that job and how demanding and actually nut-driving it is, hardcore stuff – won’t say names of the source of info, but I’m glad I got to know that I didn’t actually pursue that dream. Lol ‘pursue’, I didn’t buy into the dream any further later on when my interests started veering towards other directions.

In between the music-magazine editor point, I simply wanted to write books – that’s still able to be done as a self-supportive action so I wont’ count that one off just yet –

Next was what eventually became my career: I want to be an artist in terms of painting, photographer or something related to visual arts. After I had spent some time playing the guitar and bass I realized that I enjoyed music too much but stressed me out to play – well there’s actually kind of a back story within this. Okay I’ll share because it’s relevant to see how we accept and allow ourselves to be limited by others. My then friend/partner would be very critical towards me playing, I would be quite nervous when playing with him, I felt unsure about the sound of it all and even if he taught me and was doing it to make everything sound better, I started simply fearing playing with him and within that suppressing myself and believing that I’m not ‘good enough’ to play music – so I stopped. I would not be chasing a career in music either as I didn’t see it as a practical thing to do in terms of my context and I stopped practicing as much to dedicate myself to painting wherein I thought I had found the ‘true love’ lol.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to suppress my expression and believe that I wasn’t ‘good’ at playing instruments without realizing that I wasn’t only playing at the standards and requirements of another – within this

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to limit myself believing that I had to stop playing music because of not being ‘good at it’ and within that, simply leaving the entire music creation based on that single self-accepted belief of ‘what I’m good at’

I realize I only limited myself out of my own belief and taking others’ judgments as a fact of ‘who I am’ which is the point I forgive myself for to never allow myself to belittle myself in terms of being capable of doing something out of the belief, idea as judgment that I could ever harbor within myself upon myself.

So yes, it was 2003 and Marlen got a craving for painting. I limited myself within it from the very beginning, I knew I’d be wanting to make lots of paintings so I bought some cheap watercolors which were more like colorful liquid inks and started working with that for the entire summer. I had ‘so much to say’ … looking at my pictures back then I could see much of the stuff I had participated in terms of being a self-tormented being, belittling myself, seeing myself as unworthy and kind of existing in this constant desire for a certain relationship – man it sucked but painting and doing ‘my thing’ became a resort through my highschool years – that’s where I began drawing. Never saw myself as ‘great’ doing it, but I knew I had something to say, probably never had the virtuoso skills but still that’s the dream that I chased far enough.

When I finished highschool, I wanted to go straight into arts school but my parents didn’t want me to leave home and go to the ‘big city’ so, I applied and got into university in my home city wherein I studied my second choice for one year: literature and linguistics. That was cool for a while but I knew I could not spent my days revisiting old greek books and trying to find something else in there – I wanted to create. And so after long hours of discussing the point, I got actually motivated by a then friend of mine to apply for two art schools in Mexico City – and so I did. Lol I was so fearful because I knew that there was a possibility for my parents to not allow me to do it, or support me in that, but I did it anyway and it turned out I got into the National Arts School and so the ‘dream’ began.

I was so happy for having ‘made it’, like actually convincing my parents to go there and convincing myself that ‘this was it’ that I was going to actually do what I had always wanted to be: an artist.

I breathe and I’m here – I began that career in the fall of 2006, just today I saw an exhibition of the art work that people do on their first year – you can see all the ‘dreams’ in their work, that drive, that dedication. I was like that the first year full on, head on, seeking to have the best reputation which I kind of obtained from my teachers that year. Living alone and so forth was like ‘liberating’ in so many ways, totally enjoyed it.

Second year began and my drive to ‘search’ for something else than art began – or the mix thereof with a ‘higher purpose’. Yes, the lightworker design was kicking in a lot and so I spent hours and hours not paying much attention to art but philosophies and religions and occultism because I was seeking for God – lol. Now I laugh but man, it was quite extensive to say the least. One of my dreams was creating a new religion, an all encompassing religion, one that would bring the best of all that I had read into one – fascinating because I ‘d take notes and kind of get overtly excited about it at the time. I wanted to have a ‘certainty’ of the religion/ practice I’d follow to then base my art upon it and create a new ‘sacred art’ devoted for that single ‘dream’ that I had of serving god or serving a ‘greater purpose’ and what I had deemed was my ‘Mission in Life’

LOL Yeah the infamous mission in life – okay, so that all mixed up with my intense desires of being famous which actually got me into having my first artist flick in an exhibition abroad wherein I got to see the ‘true colors’ of fame and art as a business and so forth – had a great time in what I called the beginning of the end of Marlen as that bunch of dreams started crumbling down. I’m so glad I had that early experience on ‘being an artist’ and doing promotion and having the life of a ‘famous one’ man, it sucks! lol and I was so into ‘meditation’ and ‘stilling the mind’ and all Alan Watts type of books that to me having to be ‘promoting myself’ was too disruptive for the ego that I was creating of a calm and “spiritual being” while I was already quite hooked on weed which would lead me to buy in some other country and kind of being driven by that desire all the time – yikes. Anyways, the downward spiral began there, november 20007. I knew there was something going on like ‘death’ was on the air. Yes the death of all those dreams because I saw myself not enjoying it – art, fame, fortune suddenly seemed like a nasty thing to be craving for and so all I wanted is for it to end though, I can see how I required to go through that to then be able to say: this is it! This is not my idea of a good time.

Got back to Mexico, school and the ‘glory’ of a first exhibition abroad, saw how easy it is to grow one’s ego upon stuff like that, saw how easy it is to take on the role that the world expects you to play. I breathe and I’m here and I remember how from there I wanted to create a non-mainstream type of art, a ‘sacred art’. Got myself into more esoteric stuff, alchemy, tarot, many other stuff until I got to the mayan calendar and from there into Desteni.

I don’t require to explain anything else from there on – all the dreams crumbled down when I realized what a selfish mind I had been all the way, just wanting to have all the fame, fortune and glory and promoting some ‘god’ that doesn’t exist. I had quite a breakdown the first few days like ‘Oh my god! I’m not Real! this has all been a scam!’ Lol – but anyways got over it as I started exchanging emails with people at Desteni and got immediate support to start walking my process – that was January/Febuary 2008 and the rest is history.

Right now I’ve completed my credits on this career and I’ll certainly open up points that I see in relation to that ‘dream’ that I followed and the reality of it at this moment and how I’m linking that to the actual creation and creative process of creating myself as an actual human living being.

Throwing such stones of ‘dreams’ away seemed like the hardest thing to do at some point for me – they were this ‘thing’ that would apparently ‘keep me running’, like this ‘chase’ that I was striving for and willing to do anything for. It became quite clear how when I realized that all those dreams stood for nothing else than personal glory that I had in fact never ever considered dedicating myself to something that could be Best for All – I saw myself as having ‘something to say’ in relation to changing the world, but never actually becoming that point myself first. So I had to stop being a wreck of emotions and feelings and habits that were certainly unsustainable and got myself on-line with regards to myself, extensively self forgiving my past, letting go of regrets, letting go of the relationship that I had literally built myself around to keep in place – man, that was a hard one and till this day I still get thoughts on that, imagine therefore: constant self direction is required – and other points had to be let go of such as seeking this ‘fame’ that I had realized was not what I was looking for.

It became fascinating to see how everything that I did within Desteni became that actual rewarding self experience for myself. I finally ‘felt’ that I had found my place as I was starting to create myself as that which is supportive themselves and supporting others on the way – this is simply IT I mean, what other dream is there to fulfill but the actual realization of who we are as Life and within that actually creating a world that’s best for all? I wanted that, I sought for that but never found the way to it.

We got the way, we are here creating and paving the way beginning with ourselves. I threw out those rocks of illusions and dreams to actually get myself grounded on my two feet and actually work with myself to stop pursuing dreams and get into creating myself as a single point in this reality that can take on a position to create an actual change in this world, a position of supporting this entire process, a position wherein I’m most effective within the overall outcome which must be Equality as Life – and from this it’s actually walking the dream that I had sought for through my existence, yet all the preprogrammed desires had to be placed aside to actually get to see that I can actually will myself to do this without it being a pre-laid desire or wish to do in my reality. That’s where self creation kicks in, that’s where self-will and the actual movement of myself within this comes in.

The weight is off as I’ve seen the ‘dreams’ for the illusions they were, for the personal desires they stood for which were all experienced based really, all but flicks of spontaneous glitter that would inevitably go off leaving me with the same ‘void’ that I tried to ‘fill’ from the very beginning.

Once I realized there is no void to be empty of, but to actually start considering myself as all that exist I am in the process of creating myself as that dream that is doable, feasible within the terms of what’s best for all – the dream is no longer ego-based but life-based, a collective dream that many of us around the world are walking into a reality – that’s Desteni and I’ve never been that grateful in my existence for having this opportunity to finally GET REAL and step down from my smoky clouds of house of cards that I’d built for personal entertainment.

What’s best for all is best for you is best for me – that’s the ultimate dream to realize through practical application of us giving to another what we want for ourselves, of us actually standing as a new human being that doesn’t require to fulfill fallacious dreams, but is willing to stand as a pillar for Life in Equality, ‘giving up’ the illusion that we were anyways and birthing ourselves into actual physical beings that can create a system that’s actually beneficial for all living beings on Earth.

Now our reality is here, no we walk as equals and make sure we get to create our dream to come true: Equal Money System that will enable all other dreams to come true once we’re no longer fighting for survival, fighting for each other and fighting over our own self-accepted limitations.

I don’t have or require any other dream in life but creating a world that’s best for all because within that all the other dreams would simply become an actual choice of experience instead of something that I wanted to to do ‘escape the system’ – no way, we’re here to change the system works and within that, liberating all life forms in this world from the enslavement of ourselves as our minds projected into a reality that believed in a heaven and salvation – that’s no more.

We’re here and walking our dreams into reality, a single dream that no longer stands for that ever elusive chain of desires and wishes based on money and fortune– all I want in life is for ALL to have a dignified Life as Equals–from there, I can see myself being fulfilled as an actual living being and thus having the actual time and disposition to explore life for real.

This is Not over yet, it only just begun.


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