“Whoever is the cause of another becoming powerful, is ruined himself for that power is produced by him either through craft or force; and both of these are suspected by the one who has been raised to power” – Niccolò Machiavelli
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to integrate the illusion of power and hierarchy as part of ‘who I am’ and ‘how reality operates’ without realizing how within this acceptance, one gives way to laws, rules, regulations to dictate one’s life through politics, through laws, through so-called education systems that in no way have inculcated living principles, a living understanding of who we are as living beings that are made of the same substance – instead, I accepted and allowed myself to learn of the differences, the hierarchy, the power structures, the laws to abide to, following the education system to the T and believing that such structure was created in the best interest of myself, my life, the life of others and of this entire reality, therefore
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my own responsibility to myself, to others, to this world through immediately giving up my ability to comprehend, realize, understand reality through physical living principles and instead, gave myself into knowledge and information, rules, supposed principles that I integrated as the way that I conceive and understand reality which I have used to lead myself through the world as a passive participant, believing that the existence of power in the political class was inherent to such structure that governs our lives
I realize that such power could have not existed if I hadn’t integrated the concept of hierarchy, authority, ruling powers, kings, presidents, monarchs, tyrants, dictators, magnates and any other position of power that implies a form of control and deliberate abuse in order to generate such power as the accumulation of ‘moreness’ at the cost of equality as life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever experience powerlessness toward authorities/power structures not realizing that my own submission, fear and experiences toward the idea of something superior to myself, validates and enables the creation of such separation to exist as ‘how our reality operates’ – therefore
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the actual existence of the system is not in the people outside of myself, but it exists within and as myself from the moment that I accepted thoughts, feelings, emotions and the entire comprehension of my reality in inequality as ‘how things are’ becoming the perfect slave and follower to whichever idea, construct and system that was formed from the beginning of our time and simply agreeing to give it continuation from generation to generation through education, culture as if such rules, ways, structures and systems were genuinely representing the laws of our being and what is best for all which was never so.
I realize that having a myopic view of the problem of the world in only focusing on one system, one area such as the offense-defense balances of political powers, the violation of human rights, the deliberate fraud the monetary system is are only consequential outflows of the inherent hegemon/ monarch/ king/ ruler/ leader/ tyrant and dictator that I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as myself as the mind, as the system that is the source and origin of ‘all the powers that be,’ that is the real image and likeness of what our reality currently exists as because words themselves as laws, people themselves as actors, money printed with numbers are in essence just part of this reality no different to anything or anyone else and that as any tool, it can be used for the benefit of all OR for the detriment of all. In this
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the key to change the structures of this system resides in the mind of each individual human being, for it is to realize that the best laws can be written to guarantee the best living conditions to all, the best monetary system created as a tool to guarantee the access to all the necessary means to live in a dignified manner can be created, a proper structure to ensure the preservation and sustainability of the ecosystem, taking care of the flora and fauna, the best constitutions can be written, but unless the nature of the human being changes = nothing will change.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility to life by integrating knowledge and information that directly separates, severs, divides, hierarchizes, abuses and confuses our relationship to one another as equals by nature and in this immediately giving into the belief that something or someone can genuinely have power over myself, which begins at a thought level and exists in that moment that we learn how we must follow rules, ways, laws, regulations or else we would be punished by god/ authority/parent/teacher/police/judges and any character that we accepted and allowed to perceive would have power over others through the threat of punishment, thus having to follow the laws, rules, regulations written by us humans that never have existed with a foundation of genuinely caring for all, but instead already replicating and mimicking our own learned – accepted and allowed – ways of thinking and conceiving reality through the mind, which is a system extracts life substance from the physical body to generate energy, using all means and ways to ensure that the power/ the energy is able to be obtained over life, deliberately using/abusing the physical, the life force to power up its own existence and continuation that was then prescribed as laws, rules, regulations, ‘principles,’ morality, ethics, philosophy, wisdom, religions, politics, science and any other form of acceptance of such premises to be ‘the reality’ of who we are, ‘how things are,’ immovable precepts not realizing they were in fact pre-sets, pre-determined and pre-defined ways to guarantee the submission of who we are as life to the mind, the power-system and believing ourselves to be only that: pawns in a system, having a purpose, fulfilling that purpose or else we would die/ we would be punished and cease to exist.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to in the beginning, fear the non-existence of myself based on the threat of ‘the powers that be’ whether it is the figure of a god, ‘justice’, parent, teacher, tyrant, judge, dictator, president, director etc. which are nothing else but necessary figures of control in a system that required such fear to maintain ourselves subordinated to the status quo, the ‘how things are and always have been’ and according to this acceptance and allowance of our history, our knowledge and information, we became slaves to it with an inability to think outside the box, because we accepted the box as the vox/ the voice in our head, in our mind as ‘who we really are. ‘
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to taint the meaning of authority with fear, with authoritarianism as the abuse of power instead of realizing that the authority of myself is the ability to direct and write myself to be a self-directive being in self honesty, using the real power that is the physical body to do so.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my self-authority as the ability to direct myself in common sense considering what is best for myself and all in the way that I live and relate to everything and everyone in this reality to an idea of having to be ‘loyal to the laws, loyal to authorities, loyal to my family, loyal to a country, loyal to myself’ as the pre-determined role of being a follower of the rules and regulations believing this to be something ‘good’ that would make me by default a ‘good citizen’ and as such, believe that this submission and subordination to become an obedient individual to ‘the powers that be’ would make me a remarkable, loyal and trustworthy person, without realizing it was exactly the opposite.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever participate in any form of superiority, subordination, inferiority, as the polarity in which our mind as the generator of this frame through which we view and conceive reality is existing as, which means that every time that I give my power away – which is the actual power of every breath – to a train of thought, to imagination, to an experience I am already recreating the slave-master relationship that I have existed as within myself, individually within the disparity that I’ve become as a body, a mind and beingness that has been suppressed by my constant and deliberate participation in the mind in the acceptance of it as ‘who I really am’ – this is then understood as the basic hierarchical relationship I’ve existed as within myself, therefore toward others as well.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to from a very early age believe that the intention of the creation of governmental structures, nations, states, and all the ‘powers that be’ was to guard my life, the life of all living beings in this planet, thinking and believing that if there was an authority behind the creation of our education system, the supervision of what we eat/drink, the rules that we guide our lives with then we would be immediately safe and our interests would be secured, without realizing that any formation of a hierarchical structure was never meant to be supportive for all individuals, for the existence of a hegemon/god/powerful entity implies already the subordination and abuse of everyone else that does not form part of such superior structure/class/elite.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that looking at political actors as the ones to blame is futile since we are the ones that from the beginning of our existence accepted the idea of god/superior, powers/ leaders and any other figure of power as ‘how society must function’ within the belief that we were incapable of taking care of ourselves, of genuinely understanding and exercising any form of self-governance – because we never pondered why we weren’t taking care of the matters of this world by our own hands – we became passive, complacent and subjugated to the laws, rules and regulations that we instead feared not following due to expecting any form of punishment for not doing so, instead of pondering why we had to follow rules that we inherently knew were not supportive every individual in equality and instead, gave into fear and decided to not question, not investigate, not challenge the way things are because in our own minds, we have never really been the actual director of our lives in every moment of breath, and instead gave ourselves into fear.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to integrate the belief that people in positions of power were ever placed in such positions to genuinely care for ourselves, to genuinely act in the best interest of all and within that, creating and developing a trust toward that which I believe was meant to ‘direct me in the best interest of all’ without realizing that this false conception has led us to believe that there were others taking care of ourselves and we then didn’t have to do anything about ourselves, understanding the structures by which our lives are governed – and instead focus on merely developing our individual lives accepting by default the limitation to ever aspire to get to any position of ‘power’ because in our education, in our comprehension of our reality such ‘realms of power’ were by default concealed of our understanding, leaving ourselves and conducting ourselves then to only conform, comply and ‘make the best’ of the limitations, the deliberate disparity and scarcity that we have lived in throughout our entire human history wherein as society, as human beings we have never coexisted as equals for we have always accepted and allowed the belief and idea that something or someone must be ‘on top,’ must be the one that ‘sets the rules,’ ‘makes the decisions’ and in this
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become complacent and lazy to learn or even care to establish proper foundations at a mind level to know how to live, act and direct ourselves in the consideration of what will be best for myself and everyone else equally, what will not harm or abuse others, what will support the sustainability of the relationships that enable life to continue, the relationship toward oneself as an equal part of such life – instead, we gave our ability to understand and comprehend the reality as physicality to the mind as the imposition of illusions made real through the violation of physical laws such as the notion of ‘power’ as something or someone “superior” defined by the ability to abuse, control, manipulate, deceive in self interest.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect the consequences that exist as the totality of this reality based on the abuse and harm justified and conducted by people in positions of power/authority acting within the framework of a ‘power structure’/ hierarchy/ world system, not realizing that in such blind acceptance al of us, one by one, have played and become the silent bystander that has witnessed the abuse of each other, of all life and did nothing because we believed and justified it with saying that ‘someone else was responsible for it,’ and in this even becoming resentful, hostile, angry and rebellious toward authority without realizing that we have only been angry at ourselves for the ignorance, the complacency, the subordination that we accepted as ‘who we are’ in our belief of being incapable of ‘doing anything about it’ –
And yes, it is now ingrained to the point where it may seem impossible to deconstruct the foundation of this hierarchical structure that exists in every word in/as our mind, yet it is definitely possible to establish common sense, to understand basic living principles that benefit us all and as such go bit by bit, thread by thread deconstructing the fallacy, the lie, the fiction, the belief system, the knowledge and information that we have used to justify our abdication of self-responsibility to ourselves and all life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by condemning ‘the powers that be’ all that can be realized is how any and all forms of abuse and atrocities are not only conducted by the individual themselves, but as the pattern that has been accepted and allowed, integrated as part of our ‘human nature’ from the beginning of time wherein the way to survive was to abuse and through these survival mechanisms, we then followed through to create our institutions, our laws, our philosophy, our knowledge, our ethics and morals based on this premise wherein the inherent belief of hierarchy as a normal organization of life has become our very self-created demise.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that only through education about how the system operates, one is able to conduct change in the world, not realizing that this world as it is is the result of each individual’s participation in the system, as the system existing as the continuation of the past that exists within and as ourselves in the mind, harboring the basic premise and permission of the existence of direction as words in the form of knowledge and information that has never been existent to benefit the life of us all as human beings and our relationships toward everything that is equally here.
Therefore, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to look at the balance of power to create solutions outside of myself, without realizing that even if the best laws, the greatest and most equal form of government is implemented it is only the structure, the foundation of the system to be – however the actuality, the matter, the substance of the system is not existing in the laws which are only words, or in the positions of people in power that are only fulfilling a role within the greater scheme of such structure, it is existent in how each one of us live and interact with one another wherein basic principles are lacking in our interaction with and toward the environment/ the reality that we live in
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to by defining myself as the mind that thinks in hierarchical values, impose such values, such perception, such frame and filter through which I see reality upon everything and everyone else, giving up my ability to see directly reality, to direct myself and focus on sheer basic observation principles where there are no tags, no inherent differences that can make us think or believe that some are entitled to be and have ‘more’ than others.
This is how knowledge and information on how the system is structured is only viewing a blueprint, the map, and the map can be corrected to follow new ways in which we can direct ourselves to a better destination – we are the ones that have to change the route in fact, we are the ones that have to direct ourselves to actually walk that process of changing the route, the ways to walk it or else the map as the words, as the new proposals, new treaties, new constitutions, new laws, new presidents, new monetary systems as organizational structures, as genuine representations of our self-governance and self-authority will be useless and remain as depictions, as representations or ‘dead print’ unless we genuinely live them, incarnate them as the living principles that we should have always lived by and is only now that we are able to see beyond the ‘mindframe’ that we’ve always existed as that we have the opportunity to change the way we conceive our reality, to understand how authority is not something imposed onto ourselves, but how each one of us accepted and allowed hierarchy to exist within and as ourselves first, otherwise it would have not been successful once such ‘authority figures/ powers that be’ would be created i n reality if we didn’t have the proper mindset to understand, to conceive and comply to the existence of such authority-figures/roles as part of our reality, as ‘how things are,’ never questioning why we required others to take care of ourselves.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that through the blind acceptance of teachings/education as the integration of ‘how things work in reality’ I became a complicit in the malfunctioning, the abuse and the violation of life in the name of merely complying and not questioning my life nor that of others which means that through this blind acceptance I became part of the necessary continuation, perpetuation of the structures of power and abuse by the sheer integration of words such as power, government, authority, control, fear, justice, laws, education, family and all roles of ‘authority’ contained in them as ‘how things work,’ ‘who I am toward others’ and in this locking myself down as just another pawn within the system that gives power away to others in the belief of others caring for myself and guarding my best interests, which is as we know not at all so.
I realize that in order to conduct genuine change in this world, looking at politics, looking at economics, looking at education as isolated systems is not the way to create a change because change won’t happen just by re-writing the laws, codes, books and explaining how things operate to everyone because what matters is the decision that each one of us take in order to live and integrate the living principles of life in equality with which we will conduct ourselves to live the necessary changes and corrections to the way in which we have lived thus far.
I realize that the lack of common sense and living principles is what has propitiated our submission and compliance to “learning” how to view this world through the mind, through concepts, through value structures, through hierarchical orders instead of learning how to view each individual as an equal, each living being in this reality as part of who we are and as such realizing that in order to be able to organize ourselves, to direct ourselves, we don’t require another to tell us what to do, but instead we have to live by principles of no harm or abuse toward ourselves or others as well as self-responsibility as our ability to respond, to act, to direct ourselves and our lives in consideration of what’s best for all.
When and as I see myself viewing the power structures in this world as something greater than myself, I stop and I breathe – I realize this is the outflow and consequence of my own psychological conditioning, called education which is nothing else but the acquisition of knowledge and information that enables me to accept and allow any form of authority, abuse, power, to exist in this world as ‘how things are’ which is thus an individual process of compliance that has taken place wherein we have learned how to ‘cope with the system’ and ‘accept the status quo’ instead of directly seeing how and why we have come to accept such world-orders without a question, to begin with, and realizing how such ‘power’ only exists in the belief I have imposed upon them/upon the structure and system in itself the moment that I abdicated my own.
I realize that my understanding of reality through the filters of education, politics, economics, philosophy, religion has created the entire continuation of this entire system by living within the compliance of their existence as dogma, as how things are and operate, how everything has always been with which we have become passive participants in the continuation of the same cycles of negligence toward life, over and over and over again.
I commit myself to stop any experience when I believe I have no say upon/ have no power/ have no authority to direct a point, instead of realizing that we can only have power to direct ourselves to be the living example of what it is to live in consideration of all beings as equal, the best living forms and ways in which we can coexist and how if our reality, our creation is not existing as the living principles that correspond to what is best for all, then we have to become that change and promote that change through the understanding of individual/ self’s responsibility within it all, realizing that by abdicating our responsibility = we give our power away and as such, we directly enable and validate any form of abuse that comes with the structure of power as something greater/superior than our individual volition.
I commit myself to live by principles that contemplate and integrate life in equality, what is best for all at all times so that no division, no separation, no judgment, no proselytism exists within me other than the living example of what it is to live by principles of life in equality, of the equality within and as everything that is here as myself and as such understanding my own mind, my own ‘brainwashing’, my own conditioning, training and point of control to then see how it is only through changing the way that I relate to myself, to my own mind, to my own thoughts and concepts about reality to go seeing what is useful and what isn’t to support myself and others to realize that if we want change, we have to be the change but that isn’t about demanding or only understanding how things operate, but focusing on self change, the how I live, how I interact with myself as my body and mind and with others always considering the ways in which we can coexist in real harmony and peace by ceasing to exist in the belief of powers over ourselves .
I commit myself to realize that the power we all have exists as the functionality of the physical body in every breath, and how we are able to have that authority of and as ourselves as we go integrating living principles that are the genuine way to have power in this reality, to learn how to live and coexist In equality.
I commit myself to restore or integrate a sound meaning of words that are not tainted by the mindframes/structures within which they have been originally constructed to support belief systems of separation and inequality, but instead are words that can be lived in a sound manner with a certain living outcome that is best for all.
I commit myself to understand the systems through which we have separated ourselves from ourselves, how we have created this creation so that we cease to recreate the same patterns and instead plan/integrate/initiate and ‘install’ a new living program, a new set of directions, new living instructions that are aligned to taking responsibility of ourselves and of each other as one and equal.
“Remember, whatever is faced or created within self – self is and has been the creator. Do not live in fear of what is here, understand it, realise self as it and assert yourself to stand-up for change, to not expose others as you to such a world – but create a world in which they will be embraced with equality and oneness and actual living”
– Bernard Poolman
“We accepted it”
The Reptilians’ Involvement in the Hierarchy of the World – Part 125
Memory and the Soul as the Creator Intended (Part 1) – Reptilians – Part 119
Memory and the Soul as the Creator Intended (Part 2) – Reptilians – Part 120
It’s All or Nothing – Reptilians – Part 231
- Desteni Articles
- Desteni Lite Process
- Desteni I Process
- Desteni Forum
- Desteni Wiki
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- Creation’s Journey to Life
- Heaven’s Journey To Life
- 7 Year Journey To Life Process
Day 20: Childhood Schooling Years
Here I share some of the most prominent experiences that I have realized became part of my identity/ personality as an ‘A+ student’ throughout my life, beginning with childhood which is in itself a label used within the schooling system that is considered as a ‘positive incentive,’ however what’s not considered is how the child that gets such ‘special treat’ is also being ostracized and separated from the majority that cannot obtain the same distinction because of the obvious hierarchical levels, wherein the one on top is taken as a measure point for the rest. And so, the pressure built within the ‘outstanding individual’ becomes a constant point of fear and anxiety to remain in such position, due to the allocated idea that the individual – myself in this case – has built about themselves within a particular context in their reality.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had to ‘keep up’ this reputation of being the ‘best student’ wherein I had seen, realized made me popular/ recognized with authorities like parents and teachers throughout school.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to deliberately impose myself as an ‘example to follow’ wherein I would get a good experience out of being ‘the best’ and being recognized as someone that was ‘out of this world’ for how obedient, disciplined and such a ‘good student’ overall I was – wherein I absolutely knew that this was the way to have everyone valuing me as everything that I wanted to ‘be’ and ‘become’ as I realized what ‘power’ felt like and I dug it, secretly, while pretending to be humble and modest about my ‘skills’ and abilities – without realizing that such experience of being valued as ‘more than’ was that which mattered in this world, being ‘someone to others,’ and in that only developing this idea that all I am is this role model for others and that all that I am ‘worth’ is this example of ‘what a good student’ is for others.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could not fuckup one single time as that would lower my reputation and within this idea of it all being ‘easy’ for me, extenuating the actual experience of stress and pressure that lead me to experience things like anxiety, nervousness and gastritis at a very young age, simply because I wanted to keep ‘my place’ in school/ my world – which is me becoming infatuated with the sensation of recognition and power at a very young age.
I did this to myself, I am very aware how I was not pressured at all by my parents to become this – in fact, they were the first ones that would tell me to slow down and not be so apprehensive, but I just became so rigid with my beliefs within ‘who I was’ that it was virtually impossible for me to let go of this ideal of responsibility and always being on time for school, always getting the best grades, always knowing the answers. A single example is how when I would be sick and my mother would suggest me to stay at home, I would immediately react about it and would beg her to take me to school, I could not possibly miss one day at 2nd grade in kindergarten! lol – everyone would laugh when my mother shared that story with other people, and that would make me mad because to me it was something serious. I certainly lived ‘backwards’ from the perspective I went from being the most rigid person in school in 1st grade kindergarten and then quite relaxed by the end of my school years – yet always keeping the cool grades for the reasons that I’ll continue sharing as I walk the Self Forgiveness here.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to impose this to myself, and not even hear when my mother would say that it didn’t matter what grades I had, but that I had to slow down because it was affecting my body – I didn’t hear, to me reputation was ‘all that I was’ and all that I had to keep up, and in this generating me as an extremely apprehensive kid that only sought to keep up with ‘the best grades’ and engaging in secret competitions toward other classmates that I believed were on to ‘get me off of my throne.’
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to engage in such competition traits at a very young age – 2nd grade of elementary school – wherein when fellow classmates would express that they were on to ‘get me off of my first place’ I would take that s a deliberate attack that would gnaw my very existence and concern me/ worry me tremendously, to the extent of developing constant anxiety for always being/remaining on top because I could not fathom the idea of being second place.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become so stressed out for keeping a certain place in my reality, which means that I feared being/ becoming a ‘normal person’ without it, because of how I had been so used to getting all the first places and recognition from the very first year in school.
It is really unnecessary within the schooling system to do this, I became so fed up yet so used to these award/ recognition ceremonies, I essentially became my own judge wherein I placed rigid standards which is part of the personality I’ve become wherein I tend to be an extremist when doing something ‘going all the way into it’ and often disregarding the actual physical pace that is required in this world. I have walked this point throughout the past which I’ve shared as part of the physical slowing-down in all aspects as I’ve seen and realized how the rushing point is/ was stemming from a constant form of competition and keeping scores toward myself and in comparison to others.
Within this, I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to marry with myself as the idea of always having to be ‘on top’ and not allowing anyone else to take such position because it was ‘my place’ and ‘my throne’ wherein all the glory and recognition of being first place was ‘all that I am’ at the eyes of others, therefore existing in an ingrained fear of losing that ‘first place’ and creating a rivalry/ competition toward anyone else that seemed like a threat to my beloved position of ‘first place.’
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to develop a constant need and desire to be in control of my environment and others to ensure that I would always have things ‘my way’ and that meant: keeping my first place as a constant point of self-validation that I knew could only be ‘lost’ if I allowed myself to fuck up even once, which is how I developed a fear toward making mistakes because I could not imagine how it would be for others to realize that ‘I’d lost the first place’ as I believe that everyone was expecting me to fall.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live in a perpetual experience of fear of ‘falling’ and ‘losing my place’ wherein I believed that everyone wanted me to lose and fall because I would react to their expressions every time that it would happen and believe that they were ‘mean to me’ because they would solace to the idea of me falling/ being second or third place an losing my usual position.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself within such experiences wherein I believed that everyone was on to ‘see me fall’ and that their happiness depended on ‘seeing me fall/ make a mistake/ fuck up,’ wherein I believed that all eyes were on me and that I was constantly ‘in the spotlight,’ which is essentially the usual delusion we get imbued with wherein we believe that we are the center of the universe and that everyone is looking at us, expecting something from us without ever actually taking a moment to realize: this is me doing this to myself, this is me trying to catch up with an illusion as the cage that I have built for myself wherein I believe I can’t ‘get out’ or I’ll ‘lose’ the ‘who I am’ toward others and myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to associate honor as an inherent recognition that I had to keep up in my reality with good grades wherein being a ‘perfect student’ gave me the recognition that I had not allowed myself to give to myself regardless of ‘who I was’ within the school system.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that being a ‘good student’ at the eyes of my teachers made me ‘special’ and ‘unique’ – which eventually caused much strain the moment that I saw the division that would ensue between my other classmates wherein such specialness was seen as ‘preferential treat’ and causing them to later on develop patterns of bullying toward me – which is what lead me to not want to ‘stand out in the spotlight’ any longer, because I did not want to suffer again.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be fearful of going to school because of having to face my classmates after I had filed a complain about the bullying at school, which made me really anxious and fearful with regards to being left alone and having all my ‘friends’ suddenly against me for being a whistle blower about my situation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever use this point as a manipulation as to why I had a reason to ‘suffer’ in my world, without ever realizing that it was actually all that I had created for myself, a point that I deliberately sought and fought to maintain which obviously lead to create an opposition due to how much effort/ zeal I would imprint onto my school application which is what became like a constant war zone instead of a learning ground wherein I could simply walk in a normal pace.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to impose these rigid schemes of ‘who I had to be’ just to keep up this idea of myself as ‘the perfect student’ without ever asking: who will I be without it? why am I so petrified to lose this position?
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to participate within the system of competition and reward and honorable places in the school system wherein the obvious separation and discrimination that is brewed in classrooms become the reality of a world wherein hierarchy is then the way to ‘rule’ within the system. You get trained to either be a ‘leader’ or a ‘follower’ and in that, accepting the fact that not everyone would have equal opportunities to develop their skills efficiently within and throughout the Education system.
Actually there is no such thing as an equal possibility for all people to have such opportunity as the current Educational system is just like an IQ test that doesn’t consider each individual’s special abilities/ capabilities and developing different pedagogical programs to ensure each being is able to learn with different methods/ options – No, the current system is a cookie-cutter system wherein some would fit in it with the utmost efficiency and some others would literally swallow each year hoping to not get kicked out. It’s really terrible to have this as such hierarchy levels are then built at school, in classrooms wherein people begin identifying each other according to the grades they have and in that, an entire stratification of society is ‘in the making.’
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had something ‘special’ within me that made it all seem so simple to walk through school, creating a ‘bipolar’ experience within it such as feeling ‘good’ about it yet ‘bad’ at the same time because why can I have it so easy in getting good grades while others have to go through hell to achieve similar or even less than results?
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live out to such points of recognition with proud and modesty wherein I would later on create the opposite experience when realizing that others could not ever ‘get’ to the same position I was in, which really worried me but I was told not to worry because they were only probably ‘lazy’ or ‘not dedicated enough,’ which is how I accepted and allowed the world of inequality as a direct result of each one’s direct participation, never ever considering the entire set of factors that have ensured that such disparity and polarity exist in this world to continue a system based on friction as in having some deliberately wanting to achieve ‘the best’ all the time and in that, generating the necessary opposition, competition and rivalry that has kept this entire system in its polarized status quo.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to develop rivalry and consider as ‘enemies’ fellow classmates at a very tender age because of hearing how they were ‘on to get me’ and out of fear I simply made sure that I would not allow them to get into my position not realizing that within that, I was becoming part of the game of competing against each other and being under strenuous pressure and constant anxiety/stress because of fearing that they would eventually get ‘better grades than me.’ I mean now that I see it, it is absolutely exhaustive to even remember how bad it was having to keep up this idea/ image of myself toward others and existing in constant competition.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to apparently stop caring that much about grades while continuing being ‘responsible’ and obtaining good-grades yet developing this ‘opposed’ personality to what I had been as a little girl wherein I deliberately would get ‘down from the top of the hill’ not to an equality level, but below sea level wherein I wanted to be simply ‘normal’ as in being a kid that struggles, that fucks up, that makes mistakes as that seemed to be what everyone was talking, a point of identification between one another and ‘I’ wanted to be part of that – therefore
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to develop an opposite personality as in seeking degradation and problems as that seemed to be what ‘life was about,’ and in that believing that I was “equalizing” myself with others that didn’t have it as easy as me to walk a life of ‘success’ and recognition.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately sabotage me when and while desiring to be ‘a mortal’ and in such position deliberately place myself within relationships and situations wherein I knew that it was not what is best for all, but I wanted to get ‘my hands dirty’ in the sense of experiencing what others were experiencing and doing just because of having defined my life as dull, secure and perfect.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define ‘normal’ as in having ups and downs and riding the rollercoaster of ‘life’ as desiring love, relationships, being miserable for not having them and essentially creating a pattern of being a ‘regular being’ that has stories to tell about how fucked up ‘life’ apparently is and in that, deliberately stand within relationships that I knew were not ‘best for myself,’ but a part of me desired to be equally fucked up as others, just to know what ‘that’ would be like and how I would experience myself within such misery, which was like a false sense of compassion wherein I actually never really ‘cared’ about others, but only developing my own inner energetic experiences that I realized were equally satisfactorily as when I was ‘on a high’ in success and recognition and ‘happiness,’ I could get the same experience out of being depressed, miserable and essentially submerged into a self created torment that I would feed with music, words, books and people in my world.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to seek to overcome my ‘old me’ through creating an opposite polarity and pattern that went for the exact opposite points that I had defined myself by/ as such as running away from recognition, wanting to stand in the background, wanting to not be ‘seen’ yet defining everything of this experience based on having lived a life in ‘the spotlight’ throughout school years and having tested out what constant competition an desire to keep a certain place was like.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge these experiences as ‘petty’ and insignificant when compared to the reality of others, which is the point that lead me to deliberately seek experiences that would seem ‘more real’ for the actual fuckedupness they represented, without realizing that I must expose and walk the ‘good/ positive’ that I have lived as the opposite creation stemming from the inherent negative point that separation creates in our world and reality.
So, I was ‘glad’ in a sense that as I went by/ through my school years, that definition of myself as being ‘better than others’ remained only as a judgment that others would mostly impose onto me, I seriously stopped caring as much as I did as a little child because my body was really protesting about my mental obsessions. I’m glad I did hear my mother within that and realizing that I wasn’t only ‘worth’ that which I was able to obtain and ‘be’ in/ at school but that I was worth by who I am as myself – and that did support me to not only value myself as my school grades, but start realizing that I was ‘more’ than just ‘a good student.’
But! What I did is that because I had only lived as the image of ‘the good student’ I sought to be praised valued in ‘other means’ which is how I realized that I had to create relationships outside of school and develop a particular personality wherein I could be ‘valued’ for ‘who I really was’ as the personality that I deliberately created in order to attract/ live/ obtain a certain lifestyle that I learned from books, media that I wanted to mimic – and in this, becoming part of the system that aspires to become something/ someone greater and better and successful in a rather ‘unusual way’ which is how I developed the entire black sheep or alternative-personality that stood out of the usual standards in society as that would make me ‘more special’ and ‘unique,’ not by ‘who I was’ as an apparent intelligent person, but as a ‘beingness’ as a personality – you can read more about that in: 2012 The hard and soft veneers
I commit myself to create and develop educational systems wherein we ensure that each human being is able to get proper education according to their skills and abilities wherein there will be no more ‘grading programs’ that ensue hostility, separation and hierarchical values between kids/ students – it is our responsibility to ensure that all have a proper foundation to develop themselves to the utmost potential. This implies that a great education reform is required, and this can only happen through politics within the framework of the Equal Money System.
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Read great support to understand about who we are and what we have become as humanity
Great interviews on the Educational systems and the corrections required to ensure no hierarchies are perpetuated within the educational systems:
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