Tag Archives: egotistical

556. Transcending Inequality One at a Time

A story of how to be the starting point of getting past social and economic statuses through changing our relationships towards one another

I read the following article today Commercialisation: the antithesis of sharing by Mohammed Mesbahi and I find some supportive aspects he looks at when it comes to realizing that the obstacle to sharing are our individual desires to succeed at whatever cost above others, above nature, above common sense and how this way of thinking in a very egotistical manner has permeated into the nature of commerce itself, in how we exchange goods and services and so the nature of the system as we see it and live it on a daily basis.

I’d like to share a more personal perspective and experience as a way to walk through a potential solution in the seemingly realm of the ‘impossible’ when it comes to stopping the current nature of this system – which is entirely OUR human nature embodied in the ‘nature of the system in itself’ –  so that one can consider the effect that we can have within the decision to stand in certain living principles and decide to take on processes of self-change that precisely stop the antagonism, the fight, the constant hidden sense of blame towards ‘a few’ in the system as the only culprits to where we are currently in this massive inequality, because! It always takes two to tango and so we are all equally responsible for what’s here.

Invariably so, whatever consequences we face from this economic-outflow as damages are the ultimate wakeup call – just like any other consequence – for us to start looking back at ourselves as the source of the problem and so realizing the solutions we can embody if we also decide to put on some of our very own  

If I look at what I had to deconstruct and redefine within myself individually through walking this process with Desteni in order to embrace the equality of all people and all things – therefore of everything that’s here – I have to first start off by saying how it’s not as easy to simply ‘speak the words’ and right away live such equality as life. There are massive layers of mental conditioning that were accepted and allowed by myself throughout my entire life based on the totality of my  environment, family, social and economic context, information, education that I made my own and that I learned to start acting out on as a young person in this world.

An example is how in my early teens upon having access to magazines and some ads on TV, I was starting to get very much focused on wearing certain brands on my clothes, being quite ‘picky’ in relation to the social and economic status of the people I would be friends with and generally being more cautious and concerned about the role that money plays in creating relationships between people, in choosing friendships, in choosing where to go and hang out in or what one can afford to buy as clothes, entertainment, trips, luxury time, restaurants and the rest of it.

At the time – and this being when I was 12 or 13 years old – that was a source of insecurity as well when being in a school where people with a good amount of money went too as well. I am quite aware that my parents did their best to keep me grounded and not be impressed by the amount of money I saw some peers had, but ultimately it does affect one when not being ‘equal’ in that sense, especially during my early teenager years where upon seeing that I could not ‘follow up’ with their lifestyles or feel that I could ‘fit in’ entirely according to their hobbies, their likes and preferences and ‘affording’ them, a resignation emerged within me where I simply ‘gave up’ even trying to ‘fit in’ in certain groups of people. I’ve never been in a rich family, yet was fortunate enough to have access to very decent education which I am also grateful for, but that came also with witnessing quite an array of lifestyles that I simply was not going to even ‘try’ and match because I simply couldn’t and eventually I made myself entirely believe that I didn’t want it either.  

In that ‘resignation’ also came a definition of myself as ‘never being able to reach a higher economic status’ and so, building a sense of resentment towards those that were ‘richer’ than me, where I used intellect as a way to compensate for what I perceived was a ‘lack’ of traits that these other people had, like the money, the looks, the expensive things, the access to things and places that I simply gave up on even trying to get or fit into, which was entirely my decision as well because I am aware my sisters – having been in the exact same family context as I was – managed quite well to be part of that and not having to exist in an ‘urge’ to have more money or anything like that, which was cool. But in my case I became more like  the critical-eye to the lifestyles of my peers, demeaning them, judging them and being over-critical on what they would spend money on. The interesting thing is I made friends with them as well and as much as we could relate to each other as ‘human beings’ and ‘peers at school’ there was always an underlying point of separation based on me not precisely ‘having’ that which most of them had in terms of money and common lifestyles.

The bottom line is that I allowed this money-factor to determine ‘who I am’ in relation to others while going through junior high and high school, wherein as much as I could get along with everyone, I also in a very subconscious and conscious manner separate myself from them ‘by default’ due to the money-factor being an ever present point of comparison within me. And I have to say that I masked this quite well by taking a more critical eye to all things capitalism and the sheer desire for money and going into the judgment of it all as being ‘bad’ or ‘selfish’ as well, which I would blurt out at any opportunity I could.

I created a form of resentment towards money itself as well because I simply went into the resignation of ‘never’ in my life possibly been able to get to have their position, their status, their family benefits and the rest of it, which fueled more my antagonistic personality in which I gained a sense of power through in fact feeling powerlessness and inferiority/being less than when standing next to people that I knew had a lot of money, even denying the possibility of me having a boyfriend at the time of such friendship circles due to me believing that I was simply ‘not equal’ to them and at the same time, yep! There were some cases where some may have arranged relationships and marriages between ‘similar families’ to re-create the same elites they’ve always been a part of. Now that I look back at this it’s quite funny that I got to see firsthand how elitism works within a school context and how I accepted and allowed myself to get affected by it because I frankly saw it as impossible for me to ‘stand fully equal’ to the power of money that others portrayed in ‘who they are’ as personalities, as the stuff they own, as the positions they had in society, which I consider is entirely the same process that we all get conditioned through with either being on the ‘have’ or ‘have not’s side.

So, what I am aiming at here is looking at how each one of us recreates the acceptance and allowance of inequality through accepting and allowing money to define ‘who we are’ and so proceed to assess that one is ‘inferior’ or ‘superior’ to others for example in the context of ‘who has more or less money.’ And I’m also aware that not every single person defined themselves according to the money they had, maybe to some of them it was just a second skin they could not differentiate themselves from to the extent that there was no reflection upon it.

But in my case it did become a silent source of inadequacy, questioning and resenting elitism – while I made it quite a part of myself as well through judging, criticizing and antagonism out of spite – and at the same time creating a denial to ever conceive that ‘I could ‘belong’ to that’ – yet, would I have actually wanted to be part of that? At the time it wasn’t really so, but who knows if I had been born in what I call a ‘golden crib’? I bet it’s quite hard to distinguish ‘what’s normal’ or ‘the standard’ when all that you’ve ever lived in is comfort, luxury, benefits, VIP status wherever you go and frankly, I consider it will take a long time for all of these points to change, because it actually begins with us debunking the notion that money gives us ‘power’ to our persona, that we become in fact ‘more’ with the more money or control over others we get to have, and because we get so used to the comfort that money brings and because ultimately, we all would like a good and comfortable lifestyle, the problems are the extremes in it all where we’d have to learn how to be moderate yet not judge money as ‘evil’ in itself, but see through that veil to continue working on our potentials, on or purposes, what we can do in order to benefit more of life with money, instead of continuing to recreate the same parasitical patterns fueled by ego-driven desires.

I have also been on the side of directly creating hatred to a fellow peer in school – that later on became a good friend of mine by the way – where I would challenge his ‘wits’ that I considered were the result of having lived in a business family where he already was ‘hard wired’ to think in money and business-making ways, where he knew that getting more money wasn’t about ‘wishing money’ and that’s it – he understood that it all starts with creating the relationships, having the motivation of yes ‘making money’ but creating a suitable ideas for businesses.

At the time in my teenage years, I was getting to be more conscious/aware of capitalism and the system in itself, where I became his faithful opponent whenever he’d speak out his opinion that was geared to seeking this personal benefit through actions that would ultimately lead to ‘winning,’ to ‘being successful’ even if that meant stepping on top of others. One can imagine this kind of back and forths during class discussions over readings like ‘The Art of War’ and how I could simply have a hard time conceiving having to consider so many difficult moves in order to ‘win’ over someone else and me questioning that, which yes ultimately turned out to be quite ‘naïve’ when it comes to knowing ‘the ways of the world’ at the time.

I also had a very moral-based view on life at the time, where I was placing myself in this ‘good side’ of the equation, while not even being aware how we in fact have to consume life every single moment in order to exist and I didn’t even consider that as a factor that outflows into this world-enslavement that we’ve co-created, yet I was very quick to judge his Machiavellian ways and challenge his positions in what would end up in heated back and forths in front of the whole class. I definitely am aware I wanted to debase him and treated him as if he was only an egotistical rich dude that I had to expose at the eyes of everyone else, but eventually we walked a very realistic forgiveness process in our mutual relationship over time.

Situations happened in his life where somehow he probably realized how some of his views were separating him from more and more people – as in being disliked, hated, etc. – and he started being more considerate, flexible and that’s when we actually started having constructive discussions where we eventually found a common ground and I could learn more from how he was ‘wired’ to look at things in his mind, which was quite awesome by the way in how he could look at solutions and ways to ‘move’ reality to create a particular outcome.

In the school context, I was able to then take advantage of his skills and ways to even relate to teachers and we’d work in teams together when it came to school projects and such, it was quite the collaboration for our two last years of high school where I knew my ‘strengths’ and I knew his and we’d made a good team to get things done in a win-win way – which of course in school terms translates into good grades or passing exams and projects etc.

So I share this because it was quite a cool process to walk through after having had some two previous years of constant conflict with each other. But in order to create that, we both had to work with our personal issues as prejudices or points to transcend – like perceptions and opinions about each other – that had been primarily shaped according to and through money, defined according to his family name and social position and my own which was of a regular middle-class person that had to let go of a sense of inferiority towards him in order to start rather appreciating and developing more awareness on who he really was as an individual, behind this ‘façade’ that I had always seen him through which ‘oozed’ superiority at my eyes and possibly at the eyes of others. I had to apply humbleness and I know for a fact he did as well.

Later on I got to know who he was in a more in-depth manner which was actually very different to the myriad of prejudices or ‘first impressions’ that I had gotten from having heard a few of his opinions about just anything he could express, which I guess bothered me so much because they also reflected back to myself how opinionated I became to ‘counter act’ him and so, it was eventually kind of interesting how similar we ended up being when stepping out of our own egos. From ‘hating’ each other’s’ guts, we got to appreciate each other as friends and collaborators at the time.

Even though I had shared about this friendship in blogs before, it’s certainly the first time that I bring through the dimension of money, social status, ego and power as a reason for me to exist in a form of ‘inferiority’ towards him, while I also got to discover how he got to ‘make up for’ certain more personal inferiorities through the power, connections, relationships he could build through and with money itself. I actually got to see this more ‘real’ aspect within a few people in the same environment, and I had not reflected how interesting that part of my life was when it comes to being able to see people for ‘who they are’ as equals to me, with the same kind of ‘personal problems’ or insecurities, yet how the notion of money or certain status became a veil for me to see them as ‘unequal’ and ultimate a way for some to ‘cope’ with more personal issues – which is the same that I did with using intellect as a way to compensate for my sense of inferiority in terms of the ‘lack’ of money compared to others or how I didn’t have the ‘perfect looks’ and how I didn’t aspire to become a super-rich person as I initially thought I had to do when I had some ideas earlier on in my life of becoming a financial advisor and follow through that same kind of lifestyle that I saw others were aspiring or already having around me.

The greatest thing from this all is that I could see people through the façade, through the amount of money in their wallets or awaiting for them through their family, and I got to see who they really were as fellow teenagers, struggling with the same peer-pressure that we all collectively created towards one another and that it would only be through a directive decision within ourselves to ‘let go’ of those superficial values to really establish a point of equality, a common ground – even if not ‘in its totality’ – at least as a way to establish a consideration towards others and not just focus on ‘oneself.’

Who knows, this might also in my case be a result of having been in a Jesuit school that did inculcate some of those ‘serving others’ principles in various practical ways, which I am sure my peers also got to learn from and I realize that as much as I had initially despised the whole ‘set up’ in that school, I got to test myself in very specific ways in there when it comes to being in the midst of how elitism is brewed, inculcated and ‘knitted’ through relationships that begin in a simple place such as a classroom and how they build up to become the very people and relationships that later on stand interconnected in leadership positions in businesses, politics and schooling systems which continue shaping these specific circles of concentrated power from generation to generation.

So, what can I learn from this? What is the actual key to start ‘rewiring’ the fabric of our unequal society? It’s definitely not going to be through expecting people in elitist positions to sacrifice their benefits. My friend always let me know that he wanted to do good but of course with also getting his big piece of the cake along with it all, and I found this as acceptable because I knew that him and people like him would never give up the privileges that they have for the benefit of the majority. However there was an emergence of a consideration to not be so ‘obsessive’ about power, to create some modesty and moderation around it while also considering something that is beneficial or for ‘the greater good’ and that being linked to a purpose in his life. This is the last thing I got to know of from him some years ago when I last saw him after several years of having last been together in high school. And the key here is to understand what he decided to go through in order to ‘moderate’ his very ingrained ‘power-seeking’ ways, and that was linked to a personal process where he saw himself devoid of purpose in life, going to therapies to ‘seek the meaning of life’ and assisting himself with regular visits to psychologists, it’s commendable that he sought his ways.

It was then that I understood how maybe people like him are more common than I thought, people that may ‘have it all’ but still seek a meaning to their lives or lose a ‘sense’ for their lives even though anyone else would crave to be in their financial position as well. He didn’t stop having some political and business aspirations at a bigger scale, but those aspirations included doing something that’s beneficial for people, creating something of quality and common good that gives him sufficient money to live well off, but at the same time without leaving others aside from his plan. And I consider that this is the kind of self-change that we can encourage within each other whenever we have an opportunity to do so, through personal example in our relationship with others.

I’d like to think that I may have influenced his potential to see outside of the box he had been entirely geared to and consider greater benefits, but ultimately that would be my own self-interest speaking. I frankly have not established any contact with him as of late, but I made a deal with him that if he’d become part of the local politics as some of his family members did, that he’d call me to create some social projects to assist people in learning more about themselves, their mind, their ability and capacity to live better within themselves, while also considering ways in which people can both contribute economically to a society and benefit directly from the fruit of that cooperation, without the fear of losing a job, without the ‘barely making it through’ experience and limitation. That’s yet to be seen J but hey! at least I had the idea and he got to know how serious I was with all that I dedicate my life to.

Therefore, I consider we have a great lesson to share here, me and in the name of that friend of mine where we both had to step aside from our social/economic conditioning in order to find the common ground and a middle ground as well where I am not ‘battling against’ people in higher social statuses or continually criticizing them as reckless and egotistical, because I also got to be aware of how it takes hard work to build any long-lasting successful business and so, long-lasting source of money as well. The problem is surely when a never-quenching thirst for money/power and control ensues in an individual and that’s where the personal moderation and measure comes in, and that can only be a very individual decision that maybe each one of us could influence or affect through sharing stories like this or decisions we’ve made within ourselves to stop defining ‘who we are’ through the amount or ‘value’ of things we own, or what we dress or look like or the amount of money we have in our bank accounts – while also stopping ‘fighting’ against a perceived ‘reckless’ elite, but instead find ways to cooperate, one by one, to stop the antagonism and rather use each one’s strengths to collaborate and create a more sustainable system where we can forge win-win solutions.

This is then how I’ve also decided to no longer fuel that personality that stands as an apparent ‘victim’ at the hands of the ‘all powerful ones,’ because once you get to know people like that, you can’t really keep up a straight face and not acknowledge their effort, their focus and dedication to get what they have. Ultimately, we are all equally responsible for the way that we currently function and operate in the system, we cannot blame others that were clever enough and possibly had some intrinsic ‘wiring’ to think in business-terms while some of us were more ‘slow’, ‘detached’ and judgmental when it comes to money, because of not understanding it as a life-enabler but still seeing it as an ‘evil’ that we had to get rid of, which is something I surely will still have to work on in my own life in order to equalize myself to money in all ways, to use it in a way that can benefit more people and at the same time dissolve any remnant of ‘inferiority’ and ‘superiority’ based on my past experiences in certain social-circles and situations where the ‘money factor’ was a source of inferiority for me.

And this, my friends, is precisely what I see we all are aware of, we all can ‘feel it’ and ‘be it’ at a very silent agreement, this intrinsic inequality and separation that we’ve created toward one another through the eyes of money, of social status, of ‘positions’ in society with our peers, in our day to day lives and with new people we meet.

So! That’s where focusing on who we are as equals, getting past the notions of money, status, richness and poverty comes in – without fighting it or desiring it – but instead understanding the current consequence in which we all are currently existing in within this ‘monopoly game’ that we can also one by one and so collectively start recreating into an ‘Equapoly’ game and learn to use each other’s’ strengths to cooperate in creating a more best for all scenario in terms of our world economy; it is possible, and I’ve just shared how it boils down to the very kind of relationships and people and purpose that we decide to cultivate within our lives and so in our societies.

Let’s never underestimate the power that standing by principles has even in the face of the seemingly ‘stubborn and righteous’, we all have that same potential to wake up and change, starting with and focusing on ourselves first and living forgiveness towards others and our consequences, learning to work together and focusing on doing and creating what’s best for all.

Thanks for reading.

 

 Equapoly

Image by Joe Kou for EqualMoney.Org

 

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472. Humbleness in Process

Or how to stop the recreation of consciousness values while walking the process from consciousness to living awareness.

I was having a conversation with my partner about the importance of being humble in this process wherein it can happen that upon making the decision of changing oneself to align to the principles of life in equality, oneness and what’s best for all, one can tend to see oneself as ‘better than the rest’ of the people, superior due to knowing certain information and having an awareness of tools for self-support that yes, can in fact be a complete life changing point. However we often forget how by deciding to walk this process from consciousness to awareness, we are not becoming something ‘more’ or ‘superior’ in any way – it is in fact only re-aligning ourselves to what we could have always been like if we hadn’t stepped into a relationship of separation/inequality between one another and creating the plethora of illusory values (superior/inferior, more or less than, better/worse, good/bad) that we’ve now made very real because of our acceptance and allowance of them as ‘who we are.’

We were discussing how it is not supportive at all to take a position of being on a high horse when one is able to transcend something, to change something in oneself successfully and believe that one then has the authority to call others out for not doing so, or expecting others to do the same and patronizing others essentially when not following the same route. I definitely agree, this is all ego-based/consciousness reactions of better/worse, superior/inferior and comparison mode that leads us to only recreate the same kind of systems, patterns and tendencies that already exist in this world, where we value people more or less based on ‘what they know’ or ‘the decisions they make’ in their lives.

Reflecting on this, I’ve seen myself living that pattern out even if it is in very subtle manner where a part of me sees that I have a certain authority over another when it comes to pointing out something, having to explain another what exactly it is that I see or assess they are doing wrong or should do instead. But, in my own relationship this has been a pattern that I’ve had to first become aware of through being made aware of it and so learn to stop myself from acting on this ‘impulse’ that emerges – read energy – that wants to point out ‘what should be done’ or ‘what’s wrong’ in someone else’s life/situation.

This is certainly one of those things I completely ‘have become’ that it’s hard for me to see it. It’s no different to when in the past, I used to take pride of apparently understanding things better, faster, cultivating some kind of intellect to create a form of superiority to in essence judge/criticize everything of this world-system and the actors in it as ‘less than myself’ because I could explain their flaws and problems – or so I made myself believe, lol. What happens is that I used to justify doing this within a righteousness of doing so in the name of creating a form of betterment, that I could stand ‘for the people’ someday in my life Against those that underestimated us – that type of personality was very strong in me, a ‘savior’ and ‘justice maker’ type of person.

What I missed in this type of mentality and so personality is that my whole starting point of wanting to ‘be superior’ was masked with a good intention = helping people, showing the way, leading people to understand what’s wrong in this world – while in fact not wanting to admit to myself that my starting point was that of being in inferiority, perceiving that I had to ‘overcome’ those perceived authorities I accepted and allowed myself to portray as ‘the enemy’ that ‘I/we had to stand up to’.

Yet because of coloring it/valuing it in these ‘positive’ ways like saying it is in the name of justice and doing something commendable ‘for the people,’ or ‘to wake others up,’ I completely numbed myself from really asking myself ‘who am I’ in this role of enlarging my intellect for the sake of having sufficient ‘wits’ to apparently ‘outwit’ others in the name of some common benefit? Makes no sense, it defeats the whole purpose to begin with as I would be recreating the same pattern of ‘the masters and slaves’, the superior and inferior in my own attitude towards others that – to begin with – I believed I had to save, teach, show the way to, which in fact disables anyone from creating their own resolve and ‘make up their own mind’ about what they see is their way, path and process. Therefore such stance I was taking recreated the same antagonism and inequality that I was supposedly attempting to ‘stand up’ from, while inadvertently limiting others from taking responsibility for themselves at the same time.

 

 I’ve seen throughout this process how even if I have stopped such personality within myself of aggrandizing my ego through intellect or antagonism toward ‘the enemy’ out there as the system, this same tendency can seep through now taking this very process from consciousness to awareness into an ego-field where one can start building up say a ‘new ego’ personality based on ‘being walking this process’ or having a particular awareness developed over time that one could perceive makes us better/more than others, when this is of course not in fact so.

The key word to prevent oneself from falling into the ego trap of ‘feeling superior because of walking process’ or ‘because of knowing/being aware of all of these facts about reality and tools of self-support’ is in fact Humbleness. And this is what I go realizing every day that I go learning how to express and share myself when writing these blogs, when talking to people, when assisting people in their own same process, this word Humbleness is a key element for me to continue cultivating it and applying it/practicing whenever I see that there’s a surge of ‘taking pride on’ any point of awareness or ‘achievement’ in whichever form within my personal process or life.

What I do instead is to eat my ego words up, lol. It’s a way that I’ve learned to refrain myself from expressing words in the form of boasting about something and realizing that if my intent of saying it was only to create a competition, create a ‘race’ against others, or place myself in my imaginary pedestal – then I have to keep it to myself and make it sufficient that I am aware of what I see, what I am working on or have worked on and instead of seeing my way as the ‘ultimate way’ or ‘better’ or any of that type of comparison/competition, I direct myself to learn more from others, to realize that there is a never ending – most likely – process of learning from one another in this life and in the next ones.

With understanding the many possible ways that we can expand ourselves beyond the very limited ego-values of judging/perceiving something or someone as more or less or superior and inferior, etc. we can jump into the realization that this process is about aligning oneself to principles  of how we could have always lived by from the very beginning of our existence.

So it definitely isn’t about becoming ‘superior’ in the values that we currently hold in global consciousness where we grade ourselves with numbers and positions and money or reputations – it is about making decisions to become individuals that honor the life that is in all of us in thought, word and deed, seeing it as a move and decision that we could – and dare I say here should-  have applied a long time ago, doing what we were supposed to have done from the get go, but only now we are waking up to realize it.

Therefore one can visualize it as in getting back to the original path while having gone astray for far too long – there’s nothing ‘superior’ in incorporating oneself to another path, it is more like becoming aware of and deciding to act on that responsibility that we all have by the very fact of being alive, and so live this decision in humbleness. There’s nothing to take pride of in this, really, and my personal point to learn in this is precisely to not patronize, to not be generating any sort of ‘superiority’ for deciding to walk this path, but the other way around, keep cultivating humbleness and keep challenging myself to expand beyond ‘me’ all the time, to consider other people, their processes, the multiple ways of assisting each other as well – because we all are in this process, no matter if we are aware of it or not – their lives, their experiences, their expressions and individuality.

I have to focus on myself and not try and ‘impose’ anything onto anyone, I can only ever share my example and by doing so, not expect any result of that, not to expect any direct and visible outcome from ‘me sharing myself’ but doing so unconditionally as an act of understanding, of standing in principles and remaining very aware that I am not in any way subtly feeding ‘an ego’ about doing so, because it would defeat the whole purpose of this process to begin with.  And yes, it is a constant thing to do in my case since my familiar patterns indicate that we had existed in a long history of inferiority that sought superiority through boasting about things, through seeking recognition, through playing the ‘superior’ one in any possible way – which only indicates a vast existence in inferiority that seeks to become ‘more’ in any form or way of values that we have all collectively accepted and allowed as something ‘real’.

The only real value is life and it exists in all of us as a potential for us to realize it, recognize it and walk it as who we are in every moment. Each one’s path, ways of living it and outcomes will always be unique as it is part of an individual’s expression, lifetime, experiences, positioning and location in each one’s reality and decisions – and so, I’ve got to learn to embrace that as it is, as it expresses – no more and no less, and make sure that any time I see my subtle diminishment of someone’s expression, ways of walking their own process, ways of applying themselves as ‘less than’ or ‘wrong’ or ‘not as good as’ I stop myself and I remind myself to live humbleness and consideration, because that way I can learn to embrace another’s life and process as an extension of myself that I can get to know more of, learn from and if it is in my ability to do so, be able to assist in any way that is possible – not from ‘top to bottom’ type of hierarchical perception, but as equals, learning from one another in a symbiotic relationship.

This approach has definitely been assisting me to grow as a person in fact every single time that I get to learn from others on how to best assist oneself and so others in their own process, and I do insist here on how if we can transform our relationships from one another to best get to know ourselves and create ways to change our lives to live principles that honor our very own lives, we can definitely change who we are as humans in this world, no doubt about it.

As a last word, I can only speak from my own experience and I can only share of the multiple benefits that I’ve been realizing exist as a potential in all of us and that I’m continuing to test out, apply, learn from and live in my reality – we can all give ourselves a chance to test it out, to start cultivating some self-awareness, to decide to improve oneself even if it is in very simple ways, bit by bit –every effort done in the realization of becoming part of this emerging change in reality is another part and bit of ourselves that decided to align with life, standing in equality where there’s no more or less or better or worse, we are then no longer defined by the bipolar nature of consciousness values and egotistical scales – we simply decide to live as life, as equals  while remaining unique and individual.

Thanks for reading

 

Recommended support:

  1. Humble & Considerate
  2. Humble, Considerate & Godhood
  3. Redefining Humble & Considerate

 

Humble Me

 

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132. EgoMania: Narcissism

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that because I exist within/as a sense of self importance, believing that the entire world revolves around me and label it as Narcissistic Disorder Personality, which is simply a name that has been given in this world to an enhanced sense of ‘self’ in our world, wherein we are simply existing as this augmented idea of self in our mind, as the ego which is everything that we have created of ourselves as a mental configuration in order to have something to define ourselves as, without realizing how every point of self-importance and definition is in fact a limitation to who I really am as one and equal, wherein there cannot exist any form of ‘superiority’ or inferiority’ as we are all physical beings of flesh and bones that cannot possibly exist as ‘more’ than others that are also flesh and bones.

I realize that within this world we have created names for so-called mental disorders without really having a clue of how the mind works and how we could all be labeled narcissistic as we are all only looking after our own survival and self-importance that can only exist as an enhanced ego/ idea of self that we then believe is ‘who we really are,’ without realizing it is only a set of thoughts that we have integrated as ‘who we are,’ eventually becoming those thoughts as words that exist only as a limited configuration of self as a personality/ character without ever pondering if this is in fact what ‘self-importance’ must be/ should be –

 

When and as I see myself believing that I am in fact superior to any other being and that the world revolves around me, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am only existing as this limited mind frame of self interest wherein I have made myself ‘more’ than others as my own ego. Thus I take responsibility for such belief within the understanding that it is only in my mind that I can create something ‘more’ or ‘less’ than other – thus I direct myself to walk the perceived point of superiority/ inferiority toward others in specificity, ensuring that I align my thoughts and deeds to the realization of us being equal beings that require to establish physical agreements to live as such.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as the belief that ‘the world revolves around me,’ wherein I had definitely placed myself as the center of my reality in my world and believing that it is ‘normal’ to always seek to win, to always seek to be the best, to always be aiming at eliminating any form of rivalry, which is only the ego of the mind that I have become and that I am here to walk as the process of realizing who am I and what I have become as my own thoughts, backchats internal conversations that I have embodied, without having ever considered how it is in these very thoughts that I came to separate myself from everything and everyone else in an ‘superiority’ state that I have accepted as ‘who am I’ by default/ automatically.

I see, realize and understand that any ‘need’ to make myself ‘more’ than others was in fact stemming from the fear of being less than others, and fear of not being ‘good enough’ and a such, fear of standing on the spotlight to which I then created an opposite experience as rejection to being in a ‘visible position,’ which is just another polarity game wherein in my mind where I kept myself low-profile while deeply inside still wanting to be seen/ recognized or admired for what I believe in my mind was ‘special’ about me.

When and as I see myself existing within the default character of ‘the world revolves around me,’ I stop and I breathe – I direct myself to within the consideration of that which I am thinking only relates to me, to expand it to others as one and equal and in that, immediately realize that that which I am only linking to ‘me’ is in fact related to all as one and equal. Thus I direct myself to consider everything and all as one and equal and within this consideration, take the necessary steps to ensure that the world revolves around the principle of life in Equality and not around a principle of self-interest that benefits only a few.

I commit myself to create a world system wherein the realization of being one and equal can actually be lived as an entire social,  political and economical framework wherein all that will be able to exist is life in equality and any other ‘delusion’ such as the exacerbated self-importance that any point of ‘narcissism’ creates, is walked through a process of self-correction to eventually equalize this aspect to an equal and one realization of who we are in reality/ in fact in this world.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having spent a lifetime only concerned with Me-me-me all the time, always seeking to satisfy me-me-me and manipulating, controlling and doing everything that I was able and capable to do, so that I in my mind could remain as ‘the winner’ and the ultimate ‘champion’ that could ‘do it all’ and as such, developing a sense of confidence after having realized to what extent I actually feared everything and everyone and in this, realizing that the only way to ‘cope’ with reality is becoming the imposition of fear upon others as an image of being ‘invincible’ while in fact, such image of strength, courage and bravery is a cover-up for the actual fears that I accepted and allowed to exist within ad as me, without being able to understand why –

It is only now that we are able to understand the beginning of ourselves as creation, I can see and realize that it is in fact important to understand the beginning of our creation in order to ‘make sense’ of what we have become, otherwise, it is plain ludicrous that we have gotten ourselves this far,  without having ever considered to what extent we were oblivious of our own physical body, of each other, of this world and only accepting things ‘as they are’ with no incentive to find out ‘more’ about ourselves, but only remaining as obedient servants to ‘how things work’ and ‘what’s always been like this.’ Thus I realize that through understanding fear as part of the origin of ourselves as this creation, any characters that exist as an apparent positive attribute and ‘strength’ is and can only exist as a compensating mechanism/making-up for past characters that stood/ existed as the exact opposite of what is now presented and projected as confidence/ strength, which is how all we currently exist as is nothing but characters – within this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to see and realize and understand that any projection of strength, security, certainty and grandiosity can only exist as a character that covers up for the fears, the inadequate experiences and the belittling of myself that I had become, wherein we are only now realizing to what extent the starting point of everything we are and create must be corrected as we are already the direct consequence of stemming from fear as creation– thus it is quite ludicrous to even believe that someone that presents themselves as superior can be in fact so without seeing the actual fear and inFEARiority that exists in such portrayal as characters that make up for other characters in order to not have to sort out the initial fear, face it and walk the necessary self correction.

When and as I see myself creating an idea of self importance in relation to everything and everyone else, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am possessing myself with my own thoughts and that in such split moment that I went up thinking about the ‘who I am’ toward/ comparing myself to others, trying to place myself in a ‘superior position’ to give such an answer, is already an indication of existing as knowledge and information that seeks to validate itself as such, instead of immediately breathing, and recognizing that we are in fact only divided by our own god as the mind that thinks, that believes and perceives what is here through the eye of the mind, the limited perception that we have become due to our own acceptance and allowance to Only be the mind, forgetting about the entirety of the physicality that we breathe in/as  in every moment.

I commit myself to equalize myself as my mind to and as the physical in order to ensure that my life as a physical being is directed to honor life in equality and to create in fact a world wherein there I no piece of ‘ego’ left to create inequality between the living words as flesh that we are here, ready to walk and to in fact create a world wherein self-honesty and self-equalization as life is our new living reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a default-mode of protecting myself against criticism and/or being corrected, wherein such point of being pointed out a flaw/ a misalignment indicates that my stance as ‘a perfect being’ in my mind is threatened by another, thus I see and realize that any attempt to react in anger toward those that are pointing out something to see and correct for myself’ is only me as the ego of the mind trying to defend myself –

When and as I see myself reacting to any form of criticism and correction, I stop and I breathe – I take responsibility for myself to in that moment breathe and realize that only an ego can react whenever another is pointing out something to correct and walk as part of a self-corrective process that I am in fact actually grateful for, as it is only through my participation and interaction/ communication with others that we can face ourselves in self-honesty. For further expansion on this point, read  93. “No need to explain, I got it”

I commit myself to remain here as breath in every moment that I receive constructive criticism wherein I instead realize that it is to be grateful to have the ability of receiving feedback upon myself and my ‘doings’ in life, as we had become so used to only ‘caring for ourselves’ that another’s flaw was seen as an opportunity for us to get ‘past’ such person with such flaw, instead of actually stopping and assisting and supporting them to see and realize the point that is being missed within ourselves/ our reality within the consideration of how we can only thrive through living as equals.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my mind having judged people that I believed were arrogant, self-centered and egotistical to the utmost degree, without realizing that every time that I thought this and believed myself to be judging them ‘fairly,’ was in fact me mirroring myself back to myself, wherein I had not seen and realized how that which I experience in my mind as judgment is in fact only about me, using others as a mirror to see who and what I have become – thus

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my own reflection as the personalities and ‘ego’ that others presented in my reality, that I only judged in a critical manner, without ever realizing that I was always only in fact judging myself as the mirror of who and what I have become in fact.

When and as I see myself judging other people that I perceived as narcissistic, egotistical, arrogant and selfish I stop and I breathe – I realize that these judgments are in fact related to me, thus I take the point to ensure that I walk through the prominent patterns wherein such labeled ‘narcissism’ exists, so that others can also have a look at how the Desteni I Process in fact is a pivotal point of supporting ourselves/ one another to face who we are and have become as our mind, with the assistance of a buddy that is essential to begin ‘trapping’ ourselves in our own believed and perceived ‘stability’ as ego and superiority that we tend to create in our minds.

I commit myself to live the realization that all judgment that I create in my mind is always about myself – thus within this, I see and realize that any judgment upon anyone and any aspect of this reality can in fact be exposed to make it evident, yet walked through a process of self-forgiveness and self-corrective application to ensure that we in fact take responsibility for the point of separation of which the judgment stems from. This way we ensure that every ‘spot’ we encounter within/ as ourselves is taken self-responsibility for.

 

I commit myself to expose the so-called mental disorders as labels that only serve to entertain ourselves with apparent ‘dysfunctional minds,’ without understanding who and what we are as the mind.  Thus the commitment lies upon educating myself and others to understand how the mind works in detail and in doing so, ensuring that we in fact create a point of self-stability and self-direction standing one and equal as the mind, the physical, energy and substance within the consideration of what is best for all.

 

I commit myself to exist as a being that regards life in equality within/as everything and all that is here, which sounds ‘cool’ yet requires an actual physical system to implement such ‘view’ and realization of who we are as Life in/ as a new political, economical and social system that will enable beings to realize equality as the only value that is Life, which is how the Equal Money System is the essential platform to live and coexist as equals.

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97. Words as Elitism

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value the way words can be arranged to express as ‘more’ or ‘less’ than myself according to aesthetic values according to how many evocations do I get when reading words, wherein I became used to valuing words as ‘special’ and ‘unique’ according to the type of pictures and experiences I was able to create within myself when reading them, within this using words in self-interest only, seeking to satisfy a aesthetical aspect of communication wherein no living principle was existent, but only using words as a means to entertain myself and get a sense of pleasure from reading what I defined as ‘well-written expression,’ never ever considering how words themselves were already an imposition upon life and that with me creating an experience of language and the written word itself, I separated myself even further from the words as myself through creating experiences through words, wherein words then became the way for me to live through the words/ eyes of others as authors, just because I was not willing to live my own life and as such, becoming a book worm wherein I knew that I would not have to face the world and create relationships with other human beings, but create my own ‘living’ through reading stories to entertain myself with, forgetting about reality in its totality in a deliberate manner.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to praise literature as something ‘magnificent’ just because of the experiences I was able to obtain from words in my mind, without realizing that in no way has any book supported humanity to actually start taking into consideration how words themselves have been used as a means to distract ourselves from living, from realizing how we are the very creators of a world and reality wherein a minority is having the ability to Read words, to get education to be able to read and even more so, have money to later on buy books/ written words as a means of entertainment or so-called ‘education,’ without ever even caring to first ensure that every human being could have access to proper food, water, shelter and a dignified living – including education – and then focus on developing ‘culture’ such as books and all forms of entertainment and ‘education.’ Instead we simply made ourselves believe that we were in fact able to ‘evolve’ as species with our intellectual realms of books and science and culture within the elite reality of one third of the world only, while the rest as the 2/3 were deliberately ostracized and minimized into a reality of poverty and absolute lack, where a book would mean fuel for a fire due to lacking any proper services to live. Within this, realizing to what extent when being brought up in a particular cultural context within the world system of money, we do not even question how it is that ‘our culture’ is based on money and how the very use of words and appreciation thereof is an elitist activity that is in fact a smack on the face of those that have no money to live, which means they have no education to ‘indulge’ into the ‘joy of words’ that I would solace myself with as a means to only cult.ivate my own self interest of ‘culture’ and ‘intellectualism’ that I was aiming at becoming, remaining behind a bunch of pages for extended period of time just because of not wanting to actually get out into the world and dare to see the reality that we are busy destroying due to this extreme egotistical versions of ourselves wherein we do not give a damn about one another, but only seek to live the most comfortable hedonist lifestyle at the expense of those that must work as slaves for us to have such comfort.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to deliberately praise people that would write in what I would define as a ‘gifted manner,’ without even questioning what the hell I was imprinting into myself through reading stories for my own pleasure and satisfaction, never realizing how these same words were being used to create laws and regulations that have denied the most basic human rights to living beings – within this never pondering how my apparent ‘love for words’ was in fact sheer self interest and self-indulgence within a small bubble of ‘human creativity’ that used words for mental masturbation, without seeing how the very system we live in is separated by god, the words we speak and as such we have attempted and tried to play god through sentencing ourselves in ways wherein some can have ‘the power’ over others, where only a minority can use words as way to sentence life or death through our constitutions, laws and policies that we have simply neglected to become aware of, simply because that would imply having to realize that we have all been equal participants in this world as it is, and that it is in our deliberate ignorance and disregard for politics as the judicial and legal systems as well as economics that we have instead opted for the ‘friendly’ use of words such as for books as literature, entertainment and even so-called education that was only directed to perpetuate the same ways of a system that has never valued life – hence words have only been used as a means to exert power and control over life, never ever supporting who we really are as an actual means to communicate and ensure living-conditions for one another, because words are also currency.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the parasitical side of the system wherein through and by me having money at this very moment makes me part of the evil of humanity that has rejoiced and even having the luxury of deciding in what ways I can use words to suit me, to make myself more ‘knowledgeable’ and ‘special,’ without even pondering if such ability is available for al as equal as one – and within this, not having realize how that which is simply ‘common’ for me such as having a computer to be able to type, having the education to be able to write and read, having had the luxury of knowing a second language in a written and spoken manner are all indicators that I have simply been part of the minority in a world that praises knowledge and information as ‘more than’ ourselves, wherein I myself also sought to be part of the ones that could praise each other according to ‘how well’ or how ‘articulate’ we could be, without ever really delving into the question: What are these words in fact implying upon reality? What am I really experiencing when and as I read words that are ‘well written’ according to the standards that I have trained myself to conceive? Is what matters really the way that words are written or is it what they are SAYING as an actual expression of self? Yet because all I knew was of myself being a mind that would enjoy emotional and feeling experiences, everything I could read that would stimulate this preference/ like would become part of my reality as an ‘acceptable’ and ‘higher form of entertainment,’ taking pride in the so-called culture we get from books, without realizing what is behind this very ability to ‘cultivate’ myself while others in the same world have no ability to read or write, nor even eat.

 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to ever question the pleasure and enjoyment I get from reading words wherein it is not about the words themselves, but about who I am toward particular words that become particular characters that I am ‘fond of,’ which is a way that I would always indicate that I idolized a particular writer/ lyricist whose words I could use to create my own mind experiences as a means of entertainment, diverting myself from my own living reality and experience, and getting used to entertaining myself with words and words and words as a deliberate way to escape from the world behind pages, and having this as something ‘acceptable’ just because it is culturally praised to be a ‘book worm’ as someone ‘intellectual’ which is once again, placing more value onto knowledge and information that exists as a very tool of separation which is how words are currently existing in our reality.

 

When and as I see myself getting an experience of pleasure and satisfaction as a positive energy experience from reading words, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this can only be possible because I have money and I learned how to read, I had enough experiences – bought with money as well – that I could imprint as memories within me from where I could create a point of fulfillment and satisfaction that I then associated with particular words, to later on being able to read such words again to re-live that positive experience that I would get from words in separation of myself.

 

When and as I see myself praising knowledge and information in the form of books, intellectuals, written words that evoke a sense of fulfillment and perceiving them as ‘more’ than myself – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I had been easily drawn to expression in itself as a way to satisfy my ideals of perfection and ‘self improvement’ based on the ability and skills to use language as a way to make myself special or distinct, without even ever considering how this is just an elitist hobby that is in no way equally existent for all beings in this world.

 

Hence I commit myself to re-establish words as tools to create and direct ourselves in every moment as the expression of self-correction at the moment, wherein Words as Self-Forgiveness become the keys of ‘like cures like’ wherein if our words have been the very imposition toward our reality as a means to have ‘control’ and ‘power’ over it, we make of words our tools to give ourselves back to ourselves and equalize such words as who we really are as an expression of life, wherein no specialness and no discrimination is able to exist ever again by the same ‘power of words.’

 

I commit myself to become part of the people that will educate oneself and others to stand in an equal position of understanding words as ourselves, as I can then direct this that once was my ‘passion’ as words to equalize the understanding of myself as one and equal as who and what we really are as words that can reconstitute and for the first time establish a living principle on Earth in all ways, which is Equality as Life.

 

This thus implies that I walk my own process of Self-Creation as words that are able to be directed in a way that we can all equally convey our expression of oneness and equality through a process of first, walking our own mind as the realization of who and what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become through the separation of words as ourselves, to then walk the process of Self-Forgiveness, Self-Honesty, Self-Reflection and Self-Corrective Application in order to construct life as ourselves as the very words we decide to live and the words that we decide that we will no longer keep as they only stood as a form of separation from self here as one and equal.

 

I commit myself to establish the Equal Money System wherein education will be founded upon the principle of Life in Equality, wherein words become the primary tool to show and demonstrate our equality and oneness and the responsibility each one of us holds with how we use words, to ensure that we are all equal participants standing in equal understanding of how reality works, of how our minds works and how we sentence/ create ourselves as the very words we speak.

 

I commit myself to become aware of every single words that I write or say as a means to express the corrective process I am walking here and as such, ensure that I correct my expression into equalization as life in every moment of breath that I am able to give myself to practically become aware of who I am as every moment of expression here.

 

I commit myself to use words as a means to take responsibility for what I create as words and humble myself through walking a process of Self-Forgiveness for I see and realize what I have accepted and allowed myself to become through and as the very existence of words in separation of ourselves as life.

 

“I commit myself to SHOW that those Promoting Understanding of the MIND, have NO Clue how in Fact Functions – Step by Step – and that One Should Only Participate in any Process where you Will Become the ONE that Understands in Detail How you Created yourself in Every Way, as is Taught in the Desteni I Process.” – Bernard Poolman *

 

 

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Reptilians – Language: the Sceptre of Creation (Part 1) – Part 70
Reptilians – Language: the Sceptre of Creation (Part 2) – Part 71
The Soul of Money – How Illusion became Reality – Part 27

 


Impatience

Impatience – in pain shuns

Being called ‘Ms. anxiety’ was not a matter of casualty – this is the way that my mother would call me whenever I would get desperate and anxious to get things done in the moment I wanted, whenever I wanted and as I wanted it, which is a pattern I had/have lived throughout my life. I now see it as her having to deal with a female version of my father in the role of ‘her daughter’ whenever I  I would play out this pattern from a very early age in my life.

I would see the culmination of this when throwing tantrums every time that things didn’t go ‘my way.’ I would create and compound these energies that I would only ‘discharge’ in deliberate ways when I would exert them out in the form of what I could call extreme anger possessions. These were moments wherein in the middle of a tantrum I would go into a room or the bathroom in extreme anger and, in my mind being very, very pissed off about something which was usually linked to my pet peeves at that age. In between the crying while backchatting myself to sustain the ‘anger’ within me, I would take my body to a state of absolute shock until I would experience the type of chills that take over your entire body. In such moments after experiencing that ‘peak’ of anger wherein I could feel and experience all my nerves ‘piking up,’  I would then slow down, and then mostly remaining crying in guilt and even a form of pity toward myself, because of realizing that I was physically harming my body whenever I took myself to that point, I would even fear for my heart suddenly paralyzing in such moments. I guess this was my first ability to understand self-abuse at a physical level from which I would tell myself not to do it again, I can even remember giving little kisses to my arms because I could experience a great pain afterwards throughout my entire body which was obviously not cool to walk through. It was almost the same experience I would get when having to vomit when being sick.

So, back to here and how this came up.

I just experienced a pain on the top of my back and I saw that it emerged after walking through a point of having to answer someone’s posts while keeping it as simple and as common sensical as possible without allowing me to get frustrated and irritated by ‘the other person simply ‘not getting it’ without realizing that self-support must be here, unconditional and without any form of experience being created within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shun away the point of applying self forgiveness for experiencing ‘impatience’ just because of thinking ‘I can handle it’ which is actually a point of ego wherein I am mostly not facing the point as myself and being aware of what I am participating at a thought level, and just ‘shunning it away’ to not realize that I am still reacting in frustration and irritation when having to explain something to someone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an entire physical tenseness where my jaw is mostly tense and in pain as I read through the words that I have to reply to and judging the person as ‘inept’ for not being able to ‘get it,’ within this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an emotional experience of anger, irritation and frustration which I perceive as ‘impatience’ only once that I have accepted and allowed the backchat to keep going eventually manifesting as an entire physical experience of pain and discomfort which is here reminding me that I cannot just pretend that ‘I can handle it’ and not face the experience that I am creating within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create impatience out of wanting others to see as I see and understand at the same rate I understand and within this, not taking into consideration the the other person’s context and background which is what I must take into consideration before continuing creating any judgment upon another, which is simply unacceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exert anger onto others through written words when becoming frustrated and irritated and get even more irritated if I see no ‘reaction’ within them either, which is quite a fuckup because I have become used to fighting others within anger and this irritation toward others that then becomes an irritation exerted toward the entire world without seeing/ realizing that such irritation and frustration is only toward myself, accumulated from my own procrastination to direct myself effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my own irritation and accumulated frustration toward others whenever I perceive others to be ‘too slow’ to get it or having to explain the same point several times.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that ‘everything is fine’ because the person perceives that I am being ‘patient’ through answering all the questions and feeling ‘good’ because the person is ‘getting it’ apparently, while in fact I am not being patient within myself, only writing in away that is able to be understood – however I take responsibility for my inner experience and STOP existing in this inner experience even if it is not noticeable through my words, so this is about allowing myself to be Self Honest about it, give myself this time to write about it and then continue walking which is cool and self supportive.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to breathe every moment that I see this energetic experience of tension and impatience coming up which manifests as this entire tension in my jaw which leads me to have thoughts about just wanting to punch something/ someone lol even if I cannot see myself doing that in real life, but the experience is just like that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate energy as anger and frustration toward myself and exerting it out on to others as and through backchat which is only causing me to experience the effect of such accumulated energy as pain, instead of realizing that I can breath through it and disperse/ diffuse the point as I see it and experience it in the moment, breathing, here, not allowing myself to go into thoughts judging myself and others in that moment and not taking self responsibility for what I am experiencing, which eventually has nothing to do with ‘others’ but myself only.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be unconditionally here, absolutely here as myself replying and commenting toward others but creating a particular stance toward particular beings according to how I read them, how I see them and how I have formed a judgment around them. This is unacceptable and I see and realize that I am able to simply direct any point in common sense, unconditionally, regardless of ‘who’ the person is and within this, allowing myself to direct myself to not participate in any reaction, but only work with the words that are here to write and direct in means of self support for both parties one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as impatience in the past as a form of superiority when thinking that others are ‘too slow’ for myself which has lead me to drop out in many cases, just because of ‘having to wait for others’ and within this sabotaging my ability to stand one and equal as others as well as not completing that which I could have completed if I had been patient enough.

This made me remember that German course, well I took German twice in my life, basic courses and I dropped out of both mostly because of perceiving that everyone was too slow and the course was too repetitive whereas I wanted to ‘speed up’ and advance as fast as possible – within this I would blame the rest of the class for being inconsistent and not supportive to go faster through the courses. I lead myself to step in my superiority position and dropping out, deeming it to be ‘too slow’ for me, which lead me to simply ditch German courses altogether to my own detriment, because I simply didn’t continue out of this fucked up ‘pride’ of being ‘too fast’ for those courses – the joke was obviously only on me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people according to being ‘too slow’ for myself and within this only sabotaging myself as the opportunity to support me to slow down within my ambitions of ‘getting it done’ and ‘having things done’ as fast as possible, which is just a preprogrammed ‘treat’ of myself as a perfectionist, wanting to have everything just ‘done’ and ‘ready’ and ‘perfect’ in one go, while in reality this doesn’t work that way.

We actually have to Walk through the process of realizing that we are not alone in this world, we cannot possibly ‘run’ and ‘speed’ in our own bubble – I mean if we look at the example of those people that speed their cars, they are only caring for their own either timeframe or simple enjoyment of driving fast – which I see I enjoy lol – without actually caring about potential outcomes as accidents that may occur from such ‘speeding.’ I have judged these people as ‘inconsiderate’ without realizing that I have done the same as well, not ‘speeding a car’ because I don’t even drive yet, but speeding in my mind and wanting things and people to be ‘on the same page’ all the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people as ‘inconsiderate’ when not slowing down and taking others into consideration when speeding up while driving, without realizing that I have been in essence playing out the same pattern but in relation to interacting with people and the general way of ‘carrying myself’ which is that of a constant ‘hurry.’

So, I’m aware of this constant hurry and almost ‘anxiety’ of how I have lived my life. This has substantially diminished, I mean, I would get this anxiety mixed with nervousness even by having to get out of my house and go downtown and having to walk through streets to get somewhere, which can be equated to ‘having to complete any task’ in my reality. There were hundreds of fears and thoughts going through my mind all the time as I would ride there, as I would step down of the bus and walk around – a lot of self judgment and fear which would lead me to hurry around the whole time until I would get to a ‘safe spot’ such as the coffee shop lol.

So, I can speak from how through walking these ‘usual habits’ through self forgiveness I have been able to stop such experiences by simply breathing through any single thought that could emerge indicating any form of nervousness, anxiety or any other fear within such simple activity like ‘going out of my house’ which I have defined as ‘safe spot.’

Through supporting ourselves to stop these experiences, we’re able to then see how such experiences are not only related to or limited to being physically moving or facing others, but are able to come up within our internet interactions. I can see this is one of the ‘shades’ of this constant hurry I would exist as, a constant exigency to have things done ‘my way’ and ‘as fast as possible’ while I would then deem the rest of the world was just ‘too slow’ for me, only sabotaging myself and miss the opportunity to slow down because of thinking that ‘everyone was wrong and too slow for me,’ instead of realizing: I am the one that must slow down, I am the one that must stand here as every breath wherein it is futile trying to ‘breath faster’ or anything like that. I mean, imagine if our physical bodies would suddenly decide to either be ‘too slow’ some days or ‘too fast’ other times – sure, metabolisms work differently because of various factors according to different people – however, it is constant as that organism’s nature. This is how we have to equalize ourselves to, that physical pace.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ‘exigent’ toward others without realizing that I am not living that point of optimum living myself, by the single fact of such exigency coming from a personality/ ego pattern that is not in relation to the physical pace of our own breathing, of our own living process that is here moment by moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a ‘demanding’ stance toward others without realizing that I haven’t applied this toward myself and my own application unconditionally – hence it is ludicrous to ask or be expecting anything from anyone about something that I haven’t even lived by and applied for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate ‘speed’ and doing things as ‘fast as possible’ with being efficient.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my father for having this constant ‘rush’ as a continual form of existing without realizing that I was living out and playing out the exact same patterns in my world.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to develop this mutual acceptance with my father as a form of ‘empathy’ within our own mindfucks, which is how I would then enjoy going out with him because of how fast he moves and how ‘efficient’ he is in everything he does.

I would enjoy walking with him because I would have to push myself to walk as fast as he would and in that, I simply pushed myself to become equal to that which I admired of him. As I have explained, is not that this is ‘good or bad’ but it is simply to place now this point and walk it in common sense where it is now very clear how within me existing in this constant rush and desire for ‘speed’ and ‘effectiveness’ I am limiting myself within a single frame of mind that prevents me from walking this point in equality within the consideration of What’s Best for All, which is then realizing I must live this point in common sense = considering each persons’ context before reacting or judging another for whatever I have compared myself to them.

I see how in essence this is how it works: we are constantly comparing ourselves with others when having any form of reaction or experience.

Thus, this point I take as a way to place into perspective how hurrying is literally a mindfuck, rushing everything in my mind then links to some form of ‘worry’ and unnecessary anxiety that becomes ‘frustration’ because of not having things working as I expect them to work out. This is how we usually then become our own mindfucks to deal with, this is how we do it all to ourselves.

Sticking to physical reality is then realizing: I am here as breath, I move and direct each point as I read through the words and reply in common sense without expecting or wanting a particular outcome wherein I can be ‘satisfied’ about others’ understanding. I simply direct each point as it is here on my screen, without holding any idea/ belief or perception accumulated over time on a particular ‘someone’ because I see and realize that this is in no way about ‘others’ but myself only.

Point by point, moment by moment we walk here and we stop ‘unleashing the dragon’ out of nowhere – apparently – and instead make sure we don’t accumulate all of these thoughts eventually becoming physical pain to ‘deal with.’

Such forms of abuse are unnecessary, we do it to ourselves = we take self responsibility.

Breathe.

Not Breathing

Patience– the mommy of all virtues


Self Interest

Within walking this process there are times when there is a perceived ‘conflict of interest’ wherein our personal preferences/interests collide with that which we know is best for all.

See how in essence the only way that we’re able to create such conflict is if we’re considering this process as something ‘separate’ from ourselves, as a separate application which I recognize it will most likely ‘feel’ as such, and be as ‘icky’ as such because we’ve never have walked anything similar to this process of Self Honesty, Self Forgiveness and Self Correction as human beings – ever. It’s only through us amalgamating ourselves as process that such barrier is then erased as the mental-limitation it exists as.

The point to consider here is how within walking the process and as we go realizing what Self Honesty is and how to live in a Common-Sensical manner, the remains of that which stood as self-interest within the context of egotistical traits will simply become part of that which we’ll walk through/as Self Forgiveness in Self Honesty.  Eventually, Self Interest becomes the living consideration of ourselves as the whole within the principle of what’s best for all. This way, there’ll be no collision existent within ourselves as our ‘personal traits’ as habits/interests or anything else, as we’ll be living in a common sensical way wherein anything that stood as a potential point of harm or abuse or negligence towards ourselves or another will be sorted out as we sort out ourselves from our personality/ego as the mind and start directing ourselves equal and one as it.

Then Self Interest will only exist and be lived as that which is best for all within the Equality Equation as best for me equal and one.

For further support, visit Desteni.


Don’t Turn your Back on Life (2008)


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