Tag Archives: emotional

410. What we Miss in the Infowar Mentality

There are times wherein there is a perception of there being ‘a lot going on in the world’ based on the information/news that we get all around the world in our media outlets wherein there’s this massive created awareness of events/situations unfolding as ‘news’ which lately relate more and more about wars, attacks, political confrontations which keep us all ‘hooked’ on a particular mindset of fear, anger, nervousness related to the threat of wars or potential wars around the world.

 

What happens is that in this, we become subject to our own fears, our own assumptions, even our own attraction to morbidity at times when it comes to potential death and destruction events that may or may not be happening near to us, but still, it is as if our entire attention is then directed or ‘guided’ toward a conflict that is broadcasted and placed under the spotlight for the whole world to see as the most relevant news/point of the day.

 

Here there are some points we are missing out entirely such as how our attention is suddenly directed/guided to Only focus on the external conflicts between nations and potential wars, which eventually also creates a point of stress, fear, anxiety or even nervousness between the population due to the rehashing of past experiences as past wars/conflict situations in history where we become just subject to  what ‘those in power’ decide and so act out on one’s own fears based on the idea that this could potentially ‘hit us’ or be the death of ourselves, which I cannot deny in terms of the actual problems that are created.  It is so that many people die in these conflicts, many people are in fact on the ground facing such life-threatening and torturous conflicts – but what happens here is that suddenly we become enthralled by this information, we forget about ‘ourselves’ as our first point of responsibility and even more so, we forget to rather investigate and come to investigate and question why is it that these conflicts exist in the first place? Why have we never come to see a solution to this based on common sense where the people have a say into these ‘military moves’ that are mostly promoted and carried out by ‘people in power’ that we have separated ourselves from.

 

This renders us only as spectators of this media war, this virtual or informational war wherein what is expected of us is to simply be at the mercy of what a few decide to do and take a side on the conflict, which creates further conflict between each other as people of this world. Such is the example of how people get arrested in ‘peace demonstrations’ and/or create further riots against embassies of the countries considered to be ‘the problem’ and so through feeding the conflict at a thought or even physical actions such as protests for war, we collectively Feed the war by participating in the fears, the judgments toward either ‘party’/side of the conflict or identifying some as the culprits or wrong doers. I mean, I’ve seen myself doing that with the conflicts lately based on, once again, knowledge and information of who I perceive or understand to be the ‘real wrong doers’ and what happens in this position is that it is very easy to miss out the point of how any person, any faction, any country, any perceived ‘key player in the conflict’ in this world are nothing else but individuals like you and I that are acting out on their own roles we have all collectively accepted and allowed based on ideas of power, ambition, control, beliefs about the righteousness to attack or kill in the name of some other ‘greater picture’ or ‘big plan’ so to speak to continue benefitting a few elites… and in this we miss out the fact that it is ourselves waging war against ourselves no matter ‘where’ they are coming from, which country or society/group of people is plotting the war or have plotted it for a long time.

Therefore I suggest to always remember that creating contempt, anger, blame or a sense of injustice to fuel retaliation or vengeance toward one faction of human beings is and will only fuel the problem further and so to rather come to understand that what is recreated through participating in fear, contempt, blame is the actual verification of the war itself, accepting it, embracing it as our own and how we tend to ‘take a side’ based on what the media spurs

It is then to not forget about our potential to actually change ourselves so that one by one we can start first of all waking up to realizing that believing everything that the media says or all the excuses for wars is a massive point of mind control to debunk so that we can instead rather focus our attention and time to develop solutions, to educate ourselves and those around us to not fall ‘prey’ for whatever is spun on TV/media/internet. We can remain informed about ‘what’s going on in the world’ and even be a trigger to investigate further the causes, the reasons and justifications for it, how we have come to accept ‘war’ as a normal thing in our lives and as such ensure that one can be informed about ‘what’s being promoted’ without taking a part of it through emotionally reacting to it, as that is what the aim is mostly for here.

 

Let’s keep in mind that one of the best forms of mind control that we act out on ourselves and each other is fear. So through spreading fear and participating in it within ourselves, we become actual cogwheels in a greater machinery that feeds off such attention, such emotions that will then justify further wars and conflict on either side of the parties involved. I suggest we rather ask ourselves why isn’t starvation in our daily news? Why aren’t the absolute hideous thoughts that go on in our minds about one another part of our ‘daily war news’ for example and question that very ‘declaration of war’ within ourselves and toward each other? Why have we come to accept only a few mostly very well planned events to become our sole point of focus that we respond to based on the continuous impulsing of news in the media?

My perspective is that If we had the ability to actually produce our media on things that we can actually do and conduct in these cases, it would contain a much more practical and educational continuous reminder of the solutions that each one of us can take to learn how to conduct/direct our lives in the best possible manner, considering what is best for all, pushing the progressive acts for the betterment of our society to the headlines so that we can motivate each other to prevent further wars, to not fall a trap of our emotions and instead to emulate people that present examples of what it is to take self-responsibility in this world. It’s very easy to get emotionally drained if one consumes media-wars for far too long, I am an example of that and how in 2001 I fell right on as a prey for the whole terrorism agenda, which is part of the reasons why I later on sought to simply avoid being informed and focusing on ‘ways to get out’ of myself or the system, which is how we also then justify our own irresponsibility if we fall prey to the idea that ‘the world is so messed up, there’s no way out!’ which is  yet another trap that I suggest Not to fall on, as this is part of the mind-war scenario to continue being docile to be controlled by our mind, our own emotions.

The solution is then to be able to use these media wars to continually focus on placing into perspective the information we’re getting/being fed in our mobile updates, in your TV or internet media site and then check ourselves whether there is any fear/emotional experience coming through from the information being read. Next, seeing if I am already assessing who is the one to blame, as when one already creates this ‘stance’ toward the information provided, it is no different to choosing one brand over another based on How the product/brand is sold to us. Next point is seeing and assessing our participation in the solution for it: can I in fact create a solution for such conflict? And if not then ask why we are constantly fed about these events?

 

Here it is important to say that I don’t deny the fact that being informed about what goes on in the world is relevant, but there’s also a responsibility that comes with that to ensure we don’t drink/consume the words in the media to feel a part of the conflict without even understanding why the conflict was created in the first place, or without even investigating if these were in fact staged events/plans that have been scheduled for a long time just to ring the war bell and justify it with whatever ‘rings true’ to people as a ‘genuine reason to go to war’ – and that’s where we as public opinion have to always simply have NO reason at all to support any conflict, any war, any vendetta, any historical excuse to events that lead to any form of harm or abuse toward life. That is a very principled living and common sensical consideration wherein no matter what we are told in and through the media, we remain clear that there is obviously no reason whatsoever to justify any war scenario. Instead I very much encourage everyone to rather investigate the deliberate purpose of wars, who really benefits from them, what really goes on behind the scenes in massively broadcasting these conflicts that have apparently no solution.

We have to stop being victims of our ‘human nature’ wherein we blow things out of proportion and this doesn’t mean that an actual war/armed conflict is meaningless or not to be taken care of, but we do tend to acquiesce to wars through believing ‘we are making up our minds’ based on ‘what the media tells me so’ without focusing on real solutions which is of course that of preventing and stopping any war within and without of ourselves.

So the whole point here is to look at the reality of the ongoing situation: it is a war situation going on at an ‘on the ground’ level and a media-mind-war situation as well, an ‘infowar’ that we are all participating in by focusing too much only the words and the reactions we create about it based on what  the media says such as pondering who/what/why was this plane shut down in Ukraine, or whether there is any real reason for Israel aiming at eradicating Gaza, and whether the US and Russia will just re-enact the cold war scenario without even questioning if the history, reasons and justifications we’ve been told are valid or areal at all. Let’s rather start questioning why we perceive we have to ‘take a stand’ by supporting one side or the other in a conflict, instead of simply realizing that any war, any conflict within or without of ourselves won’t be solved by further protesting, by becoming emotional about it or by wanting to ‘know further’ about it either –

Wars as any other ongoing and daily war we wage within ourselves and toward each other in our day to day living will only stop when we can learn how to consider each other as equals, when we can learn how to honor each other as living beings and so realize that no war is waged ‘against others’ but is always toward self, war is always self abuse. Having said that, no matter how ‘evil’ plans there might be for further conflicts and how this ongoing war scenario escalates, it is to not lose perspective on it in taking ‘a side’ to what we perceive as “the good” or “the bad guys” – no. This is about rather ensuring one doesn’t get hooked on the information and remaining stable and self-directive in our everyday living because, let’s be realistic here: unless you are actually living in Gaza or Ukraine at the moment, you and I are most likely only being media junkies reacting to the whole media-war scenario without any relevance to solutions, but only reacting the way we are ‘supposed’ to in our belief that we have to ‘appear to be worried’ about it, which is useless and causes more problems than solutions.

 

What do I propose as solution? To focus on what I can do for myself to stop my inner war within my mind, to investigate why I can read something and become suddenly fearful, nervous, anxious or fearing my own death. What I’ve come to see and realize is that it’s because I hadn’t understood before why wars are created and directed, for what purposes or how ‘we could be so evil’ to do this onto ourselves– and so through this more easily being able to stop participating in any fear/mixed emotions about a news note we might come across and so rather get back to our reality where we then simply ensure that we work with what is here as our own self-stability in the mind, where we ensure we don’t feed the psychosphere/collective unconscious with further war mentality but instead focus on the solutions required, which begins by of course not supporting any war scenario under any justification/story told and always stick to solutions. That’s what I see has supported me to no longer be the media-junky victim that plays on fear, but simply get to research further, understand the ‘greater picture’ of world-control/manipulation, how we are mostly easily controlled by emotions and so by instigating fear at a massive level which makes us all more docile to accept any potential war scenario as ‘necessary for solutions’ which is the concept to of course debunk at all times.

Now it is not to diminish what is going on and the people that’s being killed, but the more we only give attention to these situations, the more we continue to miss out the point of where this conflict begins with: ourselves.

 

We tend to miss then the fact that as devastating a war situation can be, it is only one section of the world that’s having the magnifying lens upon it. There is an ongoing war of ourselves as human beings toward our environment/other living beings, there are constant wars going on in our own minds, in our personal relationships, within our cities, there’s passive-aggressive relationships where we constantly threaten each other’s living condition by refusing to provide money to everyone as a living right wherein the very structure of our society is founded upon war/antagonism/violence and furthering the divide and conquer mentality. We all – or the vast majority – live in survival-mode just because we haven’t managed to ensure food and shelter for everyone; we spend more time pondering about our own desires and dream-lives or wars and conflicts between certain groups in the world-system than sorting out basic coexistence problems/differences that prevent us from living/co-working and coexisting the best possible way. And the reason why we get easily caught up in ‘the problem’ is because we don’t actually focus on how to create solutions for ourselves, and that is quite a limitation we haven’t grown out of, which obviously needs to be corrected now.

 

It’s time to assess ‘who am I’ toward this information, what am I accepting and allowing within myself to be directed toward fear/anger/contempt or ‘take a side’ on this information, why do I tend to only blame a few as the culprits for creating the problem instead of seeing the greater picture wherein it is actually our collective responsibility to not give into further conflicts and become ‘active informants’ based on the fear to be part of a conflict, but to actually focus on the solutions, the plans for correcting the current structural problems we have co-created in our societies around the world and within ourselves in order to make a constant ‘necessary hype’ about as what we write, what we focus our lives and attention on: self responsibility at all times.

We should all focus on how we could instead make of our multiple media outlets a massively available source of supportive information that can aid in our awakening to become better and more responsible individuals/living beings that can then walk within the awareness that we create that which we decide to place our focus and attention on. If we only focus on wars, we will only perpetuate/feed the war itself. It is necessary to be informed of the real interests about wars, but also not to get only hooked on the war-playouts that are mostly fixed stories to not focus on our actual points of responsibility wherein each one of us can in fact make and contribute to the creation of a world we all want to live in, one where war can finally be abolished forevermore, because it is only the minority that supports wars that believes to be “benefited” by it –

We know no one can ever really benefit from war, harm and abuse – this is a mindset we have to eradicate within us and that is what we can then start working with within ourselves here: taking self-responsibility for every single thought, emotion and experience so that I can stand as a genuine no-war being within and so without, because only one by one in this awakening of self-responsibility can we genuinely create solutions by working together in this world.

No one really likes war, so why keep feeding it with hatred, anger or sadness? Rather joins us and work together to create a world that is best for all.

 

Suggested educational website: DAWN Democracy Against War Now

 

Watch:

 

Dead Flag Blues 09

 

Join us within our focus and attention on self-responsibility, correcting the problems and being the change we want to create as a war-less world

Advertisements

389. Are Emotions Necessary to Be Creative?

Demystifying artistic endeavors and the experience during creative processes.

Continuing from:

 

Dejar de Sentir 04

For further context, an emotion is a usually negative experience that in my case I would use as a reason, starting point and ‘catalyst’ to create art. Now, one would believe that ‘negative experiences’ are usually undesirable, however in my case they became similar to how a person would want to hold on to happiness because of enjoying the experience of it. This is how I became a person that was more used to being within emotions rather than feelings – and the reason why being because I linked my experience as a response to me seeing the world around me and making ‘no sense of it,’ and as such having wanted to ‘escape’ it through my experience and my hobby, among other relationships and habits that were intertwined as a way to define ‘me’ as an emotional person that is too sensitive to the state of the world in which I would get to ‘feel good’ in such emotional states – therefore the context of this is to realize that an emotional experience even if it’s negative it is no different to being living through mostly feelings and ‘positive experiences’ as both are energy-based experiences that exist at a mind level.

 

Self Forgiveness on Emo-creations:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word ‘expression’ based on artistic creation and thus limit the word expression to be immediately linked to ‘creating artworks’ or producing a formal piece of art mostly through drawing and painting wherein I would define expressing as experiencing an emotion or feeling within me and producing something while experiencing such feeling or emotion, sometimes of anger, sometimes of gloom and doom – most of the times – sometimes a yearning, hope, hopelessness and some other times just imagining what it would be to live in a perfect world, sadness – all of these I had defined as ‘my expression’ because at that time I had linked the ‘who I am’ entirely intertwined with emotions. This I now realize is not who I really am as those are emotions and feelings that I created a relationship with based on how I would experience myself within them, and thus how I accepted them as ‘who I am’ and eventually believing that ‘this is My expression’ which means an experience that is generated while creating an artwork.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe at that time that my expression was ‘unique’ and that means that my constant ‘mood’ or ‘state of being’ as any of these emotions were my catalyst to express myself/to create – therefore that is how the moment that I stopped being hopeless, angry, sad or moody I stopped ‘expressing myself’ as in creating any artwork, just because of how much I had linked the two points in relation to my emotional experience. Therefore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my creative abilities and skills based on ‘how I would feel’ and as such determining and defining that I could only ‘express myself’ if I was feeling in a particular ‘mood’ and thus dooming myself to only ‘feel creative’ based on an emotional experience, without realizing that a creative process has nothing to do with an emotional experience as it is a physical act of arranging certain elements to create something physical, to develop certain skills and that has nothing to do with an emotion directing my hand or my use of materials to do something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit the expression of ‘I’m feeling creative’ to an experience, an emotion such as sadness, hopelessness, anger or general state of doom and gloom that I would then get excited about in order to ‘let it all out’ in a painting or drawing or writing sometimes as well, which I see is all linked to how I would hear/read about other artists like painters or musicians or writers how they would feel a certain way when they would create at their best, and so believing within myself in a way that because I was stopping my emotional participation and feeling experiences, then I wasn’t going to be able to create ‘good stuff’ any longer – which is then limiting my creation to emotions and feelings and it shouldn’t be so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘want to turn back time’ in order to change my decisions in life, which is rather not possible and it indicates that I haven’t dealt with the fact that I chose something based on my emotional experience about it and as such I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to choose and make decisions in my life based on how I felt about it, based on my emotional experience and pursuing further emotional involvement in my life, without then knowing or even realizing how this was going to only lead me to continue being in a certain state of mind and ‘mood’ wherein I would have not been able to be stable as I am now since I had linked – back then – the creative process to emotions, a continued state of doom and gloom and be glorified by it – which is something that I saw was ‘special’ about people like Frida Kahlo for example who became a background influence and how I saw suffering as the key for her to make real art, as well as that whole blog I wrote about ‘You’ll need to suffer to make any real art’ as I realize that it’s about time that we as humanity move from linking emotions and feelings to creations that can become a supportive tool to realize ourselves, instead of glorifying emotions and feelings and keep us all trapped in the same mindset of being a ‘tormented sensitive individual in this evil world’ which is how I would see myself back then.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ‘feel creative’ when I was frustrated and angry for me not being ‘creating anything’ and as such the last time that I painted for a day or so, I was experiencing mostly emotions that I tried to once again ‘let out’ through the creative process which is rather like a mindfuck really because I realize that painting is a physical act of having materials that one use to arrange and imprint and mold and shape things in order to be arranged as a final product/ a final something that I create. So, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was incapable of creating anything ‘good’ without experiencing emotions such as sadness or being depressed and so linking my own stability to ‘not having anything to express’ or even ‘not being able to express now because I am not feeling that same way.’

I realize that it is about then dissociating any creative process from ‘how I feel’ or the ‘emotions’ I once believed I had to experience in order for me to ‘feel creative’ and realize that being creative is not a feeling, but a doing, a physical act of arranging certain matters and elements or images that I then use to create something that either generates a specific visual product or creative writing etc – anything that can be used to provide a message, to ‘say something’ through images or words or sounds or it all together. This is how then I see that my creative expression is linked to the media, the tools, the elements I can use to generate an expression, a message and that these are all conscious decisions and physical actions/moves to generate it and that I do not require an emotion to do it.

When and as I see myself believing that ‘I need to ‘feel creative’ as in being in a certain mood to create’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am limiting myself to experiencing emotions and not ‘any’ emotion but very specific ones in order to link it to ‘feeling creative’ which is not acceptable as I’ve already seen, realized and understood that ‘creating’ is a physical act, an intellectual process of picking elements and arranging them in order to produce a physical/digital product that I use to ‘express’ something, without this ‘expression’ meaning an emotion or a feeling only – but sometimes it is for the sheer aesthetics of it, sometimes in order to provide my own version of something I see in the world and this thus means stopping seeing ‘art’ as this emotional-creative process and creation as that is rather limiting once that I realize that I am here, I am a physical being and don’t really require emotions to exist and create.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘something is missing’ while creating something and seeing it as ‘pointless’ because I had mostly defined the process of creation as ‘having to generate an experience within me’ and if this was not in place, then It was ‘useless’ – so this is obviously me as the mind speaking and defining what ‘gives it a kick’ as an experience, an emotion while creating something or afterward when seeing the ‘final product’ instead of realizing that anything we create is a physical thing and I do not require to ‘feel’ something while looking at it, while doing it or being creating something – as this would only be ‘feeding the mind’ that seeks an energetic experience out of it. So this implies that expression is just that, me extending myself to use what I have available to say something, to do something, to arrange something in a way that I decide it to be and with a particular purpose – and this is then only doing that, creating something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link the definition of something being ‘pointless’ as in not getting an experience out of it in relation to the process of creating something or the final product thereof, based on how I would deem myself as ‘having a point’ or ‘having a reason’ to create when early on I would have people observing ‘my creations’ and writing about it or leaving comments or even poems to which I defined that ‘It meant something, I had a point’ and so when all of this stopped essentially because I stopped wanting to feed this ego of mine, then because I knew I wasn’t going to get the ‘energy fix’ out of it, then it became ‘pointless’ without realizing that this is once again the polarity creation of me first getting an energetic-kick out of ‘my creations’ and then when I stopped generating this emotions and experiences around it, then I saw it as ‘pointless’ – it’s only the mind speaking.

When and as I see myself having the starting point of ‘creating something’ based on the expectations of feedback, comments or others ‘admiring it’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that anything I create is a process that I conduct out of my own volition, for my own support and to ‘straighten my ideas’ instead of expecting others to like it or praise it or comment on it, as this is already a conditional point to my expression based on ‘how others receive it’ which is usually how the ego that I formed in relation to ‘being an artist’ operates: doing things that would make me feel something while doing them, and also confirm such ‘specialness’ through the feedback I’d get from others. In this believing that without such ‘experience’ then it would be similar to rather doing nothing as ‘I would get nothing out of it’ lol, which is just ‘not getting and not participating’ in the ego-kick I had defined art to do ‘for me.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link the idea of ‘being creative’ to ‘being an artist’ and as such believing that ‘I am no longer creative because I am no longer emotional’ without realizing that this ‘linkage’ was created within the ‘who I was’ in the past and now I realize that being creative is simply having the ability to use what is here in order to ‘make’ something, to do something that can be supportive to convey a message, to be a supportive tool to illustrate something or sometimes just to make it for ‘the sake of it’ – however I understand that there is now the aspect of self-responsibility in everything that I create either at a mental or physical level and as such, I realize that doing something for the sake of ‘feeling’ something is not viable and not supportive – therefore I allow myself to see the word ‘creative’ or ‘being creative’ as what it means: doing something, making something from ‘scratch’ meaning using the elements that we have available in a particular order or arrangement to make something ‘new’ out of it – even if we cannot really create something ‘out of nothing’ as we always use what is here anyways.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘because of Process I stopped creating’ when in fact it was me through my limited definition of ‘being creative only when I’m emotional’ that I then saw that it was ‘not possible’ for me to create while being ‘stopping participation in emotions and feelings’ and also because of linking ‘creating’ and ‘being an artist’ to already pursuing an experience of ‘being more than/ being special/ being unique/ having to build up this unique presentation of myself’ which are all stereotypes I’ve picked up throughout the years based on how I carefully planned myself, my ego/personality adding up bits and bits that would shape me into becoming the ‘special’ individual I wanted myself to be back then. Therefore when realizing the starting point of my decision to study art, to ‘be creative’ and to follow through with it all into a career, I stopped wanting to have anything to do with it based on my own self-dishonesty as the starting point to it. Hence the ‘hate’ experience toward it that emerged was based on me having to let go of that which I had first given a lot of value, time, effort to create – and so it was like having to deconstruct that which I had invested a lot of time, effort, money on and so believe that now that I have to deconstruct the ‘ego’ of myself that I’ve created as an artist, I cannot now dedicate myself to this as it would be dishonest’ without realizing that such statement is rather limiting as well, and nothing else but holding the same relationship of friction and conflict with it, instead of establishing an equality toward this profession and treat it like any other profession, instead of wanting to ‘scratch it out’ of my life almost – yet at the same time liking and enjoying even watching/looking at the stuff that I did before.

Therefore I realize that in order to align myself to this profession it is to precisely not look at it within the eyes and mind-frame of the ‘who I was’ as that is certainly not here as myself as the decision of who I want to be and become any longer, and it would be rather difficult for me to pretend to ‘feel’ the same way I used to – but this doesn’t mean that I don’t have now the ability to create/be creative and use any material, tool or media to do create something that can be useful to convey a message. I realize that most of my limitation to ‘create’ comes from re-enacting the overall cycle of regretting my decisions, regretting my choice of career and using this to stop me or preventing me from doing anything ‘creative’ or create something, which doesn’t make sense as it is only me in my mind preventing me from doing something based on the definitions I’ve charged to even the moment of preparing myself to pain or create something, believing that I should be ‘feeling’ in a certain mood, while I realize now that it doesn’t have to be that way at all now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my mind as the ‘who I was’ apply the usual extremism of ‘If I won’t get my emotional fix from it, then I want nothing to do with it’ which is kind of like a tantrum kind of experience or even self-spitefulness when realizing that I cannot continue ‘feeding’ my obsessions so to speak, and creating this ‘special aura’ around myself as ‘the artist’ or any emotional experience and as such, there’s also that layer of not being able to now use art to ‘generate these things for me, therefore I dump it’ and so going into the polarity aspect of denigrating it, seeing it as useless/pointless based on the definitions I had created about it. I realize that in doing this I do nothing but reactivate the grudge or regret or any other experience I had held toward ‘art’ or my career or anything related to ‘artists’ themselves, instead of seeing them and the profession in itself as a any other occupation in this world that one can use and become it in order to direct a new way to live it, to participate in society, to create and innovate ways in which change at an individual level can be conducted.

In this case I realize that de-mystifying the artistic-personality as a highly emotional individual is quite overrated and I realize that it was my ideas, beliefs and perceptions that shaped this definition within me and that an artist itself should not be other than a human being that can use creative processes at a physical and intellectual level in order to provide his/her own view of the world in order to convey a message, or express something that can be received by others as a way of communication.

I commit myself to be able to use any media, elements and skills that I realize can be used to generate a product or ‘something’ that I can use to convey a message, no different to writing and no different to being painting or drawing or creating images, as we can communicate in many ways as human beings, using different tools and methods to it – therefore I use what is here without defining it any longer within the constrains of  my old definition of art, but redefine art as a human creation that is conveying a message, is saying something and that’s it. It doesn’t have to me more or less than that which is equal to everything and everyone else that is here as life.

 

I commit myself to not link words like ‘expression’ or ‘creativity’ to only exist within the past-mindframe of ‘artistic expression’ but to identify them within the physical context that they imply which is me deciding to use certain elements and tools to make something, arrange something in order to give it a purpose, a meaning, and an intent within it.

 

I realize how these experiences stem from the relationship I formed toward art, meaning a relationship of separation wherein I would ‘get something out of it’ for my own mind-benefit and this is how when stopping that benefit – no different to stopping any other relationship with an individual – it is like the ‘shortage’ of experience makes me believe that it is ‘its fault’ or that I should now avoid and have to do nothing with the source of ‘temptation’ so to speak, without realizing that this is how we create our dramas as humans beings with these love-hate experiences based on how we would believe ourselves to ‘benefit’ from something, without understanding the actual relationship of separation formed in the first place.

So this is how through equalizing myself to myself, my ability to do/create/direct and make things is my own decision, my own ability and there’s nothing ‘more’ to it other than what it is as any other point that I create, arrange or direct as they are all also creative processes as well – no more and no less.

 

 

Trees are black

Suggest watching the following Desteni I Process Google Hangouts:

 

To learn more about the mind and how you can use your creative skills constructively to support yourself and others, visit:


74. “You’ll need to Suffer to make any Real Art”

 

When I was a young around 7/ 8 years old, my sister was in her nationalist era and she had several poster-paintings by Frida Kahlo in her room. Whenever I would go in there I would remain in awe looking at those images due to the content/ expression they represented as a lot of suffering – Frida crying, blood, self portrayals of her physical discomfort and all of these surreal passages that got stuck within my mind. I was actually quite ‘sad’ when she took them down because my mother thought it was ‘too depressive’ to have those paintings in her room, ‘too gory’ and ‘too much of a negative energy’ for the room.

I had not realized how these paintings became a platform to ‘build my expression’ due to the extent that they ‘awakened’ my emotional patterns, the desire to experience the same she was portraying in her paintings, it made me ‘feel alive’ which is how I began to identify that desire to ‘suffer’ and ‘feel pain’ in order to ‘create great art’ like that, and be able to ‘express’ something as meaningful as she did. Of course I got to know her story of actual physical discomfort due to her accident, which I simply used then as a way to think that I had to suffer, create some turmoil in my life to be able to depict it through paintings and get to be ‘as good as she was’ at it.

I began creating these ideas and relationships in my head that I could use to Create what I deemed were ‘similar experiences’ of pain and suffering – this was back in 2003 as I described in my previous post – just so that I could paint something like her paintings. Couple of years later I read in a book a quote that really got stuck in my head ‘True art comes from suffering’ – or something along the lines, and that confirmed my idea that ‘I wanted to be an artist because I could ‘feel’ such torture in my being,’ lol – which was actually built and self-created from a much earlier stage in my life – 7/8 years old – and only confirming that or believing that I had in fact ‘found my place in Art’ when reading such quote 10 years after the initial ‘imprint’ of this desire to create in an emotional state.

And so, the specialness aura goes for debunking through Self Forgiveness.

Pattern: Believing that great art is only existent if it evokes an emotion within me and others

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that art could only be ‘great art’ if it evoked an emotional experience within me and others

 

Self Forgiveness Statements

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be haunted by the Frida Kahlo paintings in my sister’s room specifically because of the suffering, sadness and pain they portrayed, which caught my attention to the emotional depiction of sorrow, pain, suffering as something that I could experience while looking at them and within this, feeling ‘alive’ when looking at paintings.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to develop an attraction to this particular depiction of human emotions through images depicting blood, pain, tears, the human physical body in pain and through that, creating the foundation of an emotional state that I would allow myself to to experience whenever I would go into my sister’s room to look at the paintings.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define myself as being attracted to the depiction of pain and sorrow in paintings, wherein I started valuing images depicting such emotional states as ‘great art’ and within that, me wanting and desiring to be able to paint similar topics to evoke the same emotions in others, the same way Frida’s paintings were evoking within myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to within this fascination/ attraction for the paintings and the experience that I was obtaining from looking at them, start thinking that ‘someday I want to be a painter just like her’ – wherein this single thought became a desire later on as the years went by, which I eventually consummated when opting to finally study arts.

 

I realize that I made that decision from the Experience that I got which was linked to fascination, mystery and a vicarious enjoyment of staring at a painting that depicted suffering/ pain/ dismal view upon the world which I recognized as ‘my view of the world,’ yet it was simply the energetic experience that I was truly drawn to due to and because of the emotional body ‘awakening’ to these paintings and beginning the identification of myself as such emotions, as an experience that I defined as ‘preference’ and ‘kinship’ to the painter, without realizing it was just the mind finding its ‘source’ to generate emotions from a visual interaction with paintings depicting such emotions.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to within this acceptance of myself as emotions, start thinking and believing that ‘I have to be an artist’ because of thinking that ‘not everyone would get the same experiences I did’ when looking at art, which was only due to and based to the accumulation of self-talk throughout the years to ‘find a taste’ on art because of the associations I started giving to Art as a ‘superior human activity’ in my mind – hence using it as a way to value ‘art’ more than any other human activity, to justify my eventual decision to ‘be an artist’ simply because of the curiosity around creation and the Experience that I would get from looking at art, images, video, etc.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to be a painter just to be as ‘famous’ and ‘well-known’ as Frida, because she got to be a world-wide known persona and that’s what attracted me the most in terms of being a famous person.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire creating images that could instigate the same emotional side that I got from looking at Frida’s paintings to other people, so that I could ensure that I could ‘touch’ people through paintings/ images, within this

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be fascinated by someone that was so ‘filled with emotions’ and being apparently ‘mysterious’ as she was, due to her tormented life which became a trigger point for her creations.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feed my mind with thoughts of ‘fascination’ whenever I would be in my sister’s room and stare at the images for quite some time, trying to almost ‘suck’ the essence out of the pain and sorrow they represented and use it as a way to ‘make my own art’ which eventually influenced what I did without me wanting to openly admit it, because ‘hey, I have to be special!’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deny admitting or fear admitting that Frida Kahlo was one of my influences because of how ‘popular’ she is in Mexico and me wanting to be ‘unique’ and ‘special’ as ‘an artist,’ which I thought that when naming Frida as an influence, I would be tagged as cheesy or predictable – hence I kept it ‘hidden’ and always naming any other artist as ‘influence’ just so that I could remain in an apparent ‘safe zone’ of influences and not going for what seemed ‘obvious’ only in my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that Frida’s paintings were a ‘great influence for me,’ wherein the idea of ‘influence’ is still used as a way to not directly accept that I in fact just wanted to be like her and experience myself the same way she did as ‘that made her create great art!’ without ever really measuring what it would be like to be living in constant depression, sorrow and pain as the emotions that I would get and imagine her experiencing when looking at her paintings.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to from the moment of being in my sister’s room, looking at Frida’s paintings, create this ‘special moment’ of me staring at a work of art with a predisposition to ‘get something off it’ as an experience, and the more I was able to get any form of ‘empathy’ such as depression, sadness, chills or any other energetic experience, I would use as a measuring point to say that the artwork was ‘powerful’ and ‘great’ and if I didn’t get any emotion/ feeling from it: I would say the artwork is not good/ bullshit.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to link the creation of emotions whenever I looked at art/ paintings/ music videos and any other image that I could use as a way to ‘feel alive’ through generating emotions and feelings from it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define being emotional and mysterious as being a ‘superior being’ that is more ‘sensitive’ toward the world, when in fact it is no different to any other being existing as the mind, generating emotions and feelings instead of just Living here as breath – within this, I realize that I have pondered artists and creative people that are well-tormented as ‘superior’ because of how I programmed myself from that early age to associate being emotional = being alive, being more aware, being more ‘in touch with yourself,’ which is just another excuse for me to validate my career choice and entire personality as in wanting to be and become ‘an artist.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the judgment of my mother toward Frida’s paintings on my sister’s wall as being ‘too sad and gory’ while making a gesture of disgust as a ‘good idea’ for me to do something that would deliberately vex her, disturb her, which is linked to an entire process that I’ve realized fairly recently due to the Heaven’s Journey To Life  blog how there is this friction relationship with the mother from the time of inception – hence this event was just part of me creating a point of friction toward her, to deliberately ‘shock’ and ‘disturb’ her, as a way to get out of the ‘cookie cutter pattern’ that I thought she wanted me to remain as/ impose onto myself because of being ‘her daughter’ – within this

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to like the idea of me doing something that would disturb my mother in a shocking way, as a statement of saying: I am not like my sisters, I do not have conventional preferences, I step out of the family mold – which is how through becoming the entire ‘eccentric’ role, I fed my self-belief as this art-lover more and more as that meant separating myself more and more from having to continue/ follow the steps of my sisters as what I deemed being ‘normal, ordinary, conventional’ in a derogatory/ inferior way, wherein I had placed the eccentric/ odd/ mysterious/ emotional in a superior place in my mental value scheme toward the world and people.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to from the moment of seeing the shock and impact that images would create and instill in my mother to the point of her asking my sister to take them down, to then use paintings as a way for me to ‘go against her flow’ and create shocking images just for the sake of secretly vindicating my desire to vex and disturb my mother, even if I ‘hid’ most of those paintings from her, even till this day –

 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the entire play-out of events from this moment on defined my desire to paint something that would be ‘eccentric’ and disturbing as a way to make my mother react or be bothered, and get a kick out of it – with no reason or purpose but that initial primordial relationship of mother/ daughter that began from the moment I was inside her womb.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted an allowed myself to choose a career just for the sake of wanting to ‘step out ‘of the mold that I believed I was being imposed with, and in that desire to ‘spite my mother’/ family structure, I opted to study something that represented ‘getting out of the family mold,’ without realizing that the only one I was fucking with was myself, as I would have to live with that decision based on all of these emotional and relationship play outs in my family that I defined myself according to.

 

I realize that the only one that is now living the consequences of such decisions based on experiences is myself, and it has nothing to do with the paintings, the painter, my mother or sisters, but only myself and my own mind as the definition of who and what I wanted to be and what I did not want to be ‘for others,’ not even for myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to within spiting what I perceived were imposed decisions for my life from my mother, I took the ‘opposite road’ in order to ensure that ‘I’ could decide for myself, wherein I simply took the opposite road to spite them and separate myself from them, without actually realizing that the decision I was taking was for me and my own life and that the only one that would have to live with such decisions was myself, and that I was the only one that would have to live with it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that in my desire to ‘spite everyone else,’ I only spitted myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to elevate art to the status of being something ‘eccentric and unique’ which fueled my desire to not be ordinary, to be ‘out of this world/ out of my family mold’ and within that, be ‘abnormal’ from the ‘normalcy’ that I had judged as pathetic and predictable, without realizing that we have all always been predictable as the mind patterns that work in mechanical ways wherein I was never really aware of me when living out those choices, but was only following a systematic pattern of creating friction and opposition in order to establish my self-righteousness over common sense in my life, to only fuel my ego.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to begin painting with the desire to be emotional to have something ‘great’ to paint, and to evoke the same experience in another when looking at it, which is what I defined as what would make a painting ‘famous’ and ‘liked’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to start seeing emotions – in a lesser manner also feelings – as a way to make a painting ‘come alive’ wherein I started believing that the emotional way I was painting in would define a painting s either successful/ not successful based on the reactions that others would be able to obtain from them.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to ‘feel alive’ through paintings, associating this with having to be sad, dismal, depressed and angry at the world, which is how I would allow myself to reinforce emotions through words, pictures, ideas, thoughts, lyrics, books in order to gather ‘enough material to work with’ as an emotional experience that I would define as ‘feeling inspired’ to paint and portray that which I wanted to say in order to leave a ‘mark’ of my emotional state for the world – creating an entire mythology around my own paintings as something special.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that because I didn’t have much to be sad about, I had to start creating my own sad stories and beginning to yearn for love and relationships, as that was another topic that I saw could generate a similar experience of ‘hopelessness’ and ‘dullness’ that I could express through images/ pictures according to how I would go tagging my reality as sad/ dismal and portraying that as paintings.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to talk myself into depression and deliberately triggering thoughts/ using images to create these emotional experiences because I defined that I could only be alive and be ‘sensitive enough’ just like an artist/ Frida, to create any good work of art.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could only create art if I had a ‘broken heart’ or a yearning for a relationship, which are the points that I fueled in order to paint.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to start looking at this world as being damned and shitty, as a thought in my mind just for the sake of making of that thought a painting that could make me ‘feel’ like I as this sensitive person to what was going on in the world – hence making me special in my own eyes and wanting to be special at the eyes of others = the desire to be an eccentric unique being.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to start seeing everyone as sad and dismal and slaves, which became the actual filter with which, till this day, I have been walking in order to not constantly feed the same pattern that I created in order to fuel my ‘creative abilities’ when using emotions as a trigger point for me to paint. This implies that I began seeking for the ‘negative experiences’ as a way to make myself feel ‘better’ about myself and feel ‘good’ whenever I could create with using such ‘emotional states of being’ as a source of ‘inspiration.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe then myself to be ‘too sensitive for this world,’ wherein I simply took the idea of ‘an artist being a more sensitive being’ wherein in my mind, being an artist and being sensitive meant a more ‘evolved’ human being, a more ‘humane’ being without ever realizing what emotions were really all about until now through what we learn and educate ourselves with at Desteni.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to talk myself into believing that I had a ‘gift’ to represent emotions in a touching manner through my paintings/ images/ drawings/ pictures, which became a point that I held on as myself, as if I was special about it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to talk myself into desiring a relationship, instigating any form of problem and friction within myself to have something to be sad, bothered, angry about in order to paint.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe in the sentence ‘True art only comes from suffering’ from Palahniuk’s books that I took on as a creed, and that I used to fuel my desire to have experiences in order to have something ‘meaningful’ to paint, which is how I would judge then what ‘good art’ and what ‘bad art’ was based on the amount of emotions and feelings I could generate/ get from looking at art, without realizing that I had programmed myself to act and believe that this was actually ‘so’ within itself which means: there was never ever something ‘special ‘and ‘unique’ about it, other than my obvious self-brain washing in a desire to be special.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain within the belief that ‘I had to be inspired to create any good art’ which mean ‘I had to be experiencing an emotion – preferably – to make any good painting, and that if I was rather ‘happy’ or in a positive attitude, it would mostly not be a good work of art, but only a spoof of reality.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that the sadder I felt, the better the painting would come out to be, wherein I would deliberately begin painting when I thought that I was sad enough, angry enough to do so.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to continue with this pattern of believing that creation required myself to be in a particular emotional way to generate emotions within others and within that, make of ‘my work’ something ‘great’ due to and because of how I had believed that only great works of art stem from feeling sad, experiencing sorrow and depression, which became a state of being that I deliberately sought in order to ‘make great art,’ without ever realizing I was only manipulating myself in order to fit my own ideal of what ‘great art’ is supposed to be.

 

 

Self Corrective Statements

 

When and as I see myself believing that ‘great art’ is that which is able to evoke an emotional experience within me and others, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I programmed myself this way from the time when I got an experience from Frida’s paintings that became the ‘blueprint’ for me to establish what is ‘great successful art’ and what is not, wherein through this value system I simply accept myself to be an emotional-robot that can only feel ‘alive’ if being ‘emotional’ in any way as a state of being.

 

When and as I see myself believing that being an artist is being a ‘special unique being’ and ‘sensitive’ toward the world, I stop and I breathe – I realize that in art the emotional and feeling bodies are used to give further meaning to just images and things in order to perpetuate the idea of the human being a sensitive creature, which is in no way what we really are as the proof of what our desire and drive for experiences is Here as the consequence of this absolute self interest wherein we can do ‘anything’ jus to ‘feel everything’ even if it means depleting the earth’s resources in the name of a feeling/ emotion, abusing ourselves, abusing life and simply perpetuating a monetary system that in no way is supporting LIFE but only the human as experiences within emotions and feelings that keep us all occupied in our minds and neglecting the reality that is crumbling down every step that we take to fulfill our ‘dreams’ instead of acting and caring to consider what is best for all instead.

 

When and as I see myself being drawn to pictures that depict sorrow, suffering, blood, tears, sadness, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I programmed myself to develop my ‘emotional side’ as the mind within looking at such images, in order to ponder emotions as ‘living’ and equating them to a ‘higher level of consciousness’ due to the belief that I held toward ‘emotions/ feelings’ being the actual ‘core’ of being a human being as in ‘being alive,’ yet absolutely neglecting the consequences that such feelings and emotions had on a physical level in every body, but only going for that rush as the actual energy that I would create whenever I could become emotional, just like a drug that I could generate through my own thoughts and my own images to reinforce such thoughts

 

When and as I see myself believing that I ‘chose my career’ based on my ‘affinity with art and life’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that this was just the result of me talking to myself to become someone eccentric – as I deemed artists to be – and within that, doing everything that I could to emulate the lives of beings that were artists so that I could be ‘one of them’ by identifying myself with their emotional experience and existence, which I defined as ‘living’ and being a ‘more aware being’ which was never really so, but only a highly ingrained belief system wherein I believed that an emotional being was ‘in touch with themselves, ‘when It was only being in touch with the mind as self, but never self aware as the totality of this world – without realizing that artists, just like any other human being, are only infatuated with their own thoughts, imagination, emotions, feelings, which is no different to any other being existing in absolute self-interest and self-obsession – thus

 

When and as I see myself seeing an ‘artist’ with this aura of ‘specialness’ when compared to other ‘normal’ beings, I stop and I breathe. I realize I am perpetuating my own mindfuck toward art/ artists being ‘special’ and ‘unique beings’ which is why I sought to be ‘one of them’ when deliberately wanting to ‘identify’ myself with artists and their lives.

 

When and as I see myself looking at a work of art with the desire to get an ‘experience’ out of it, I stop and I breathe – I realize that the reason why art is ‘art’ is because of reinforcing the emotions and feelings of people – instead I can direct myself to see how I can use art as an effective way to instigate the realization of us human beings being responsible for this world and this Earth as each one of us, which is a more tangible way of using images in the name of Self-Support as Life, and not as mere instigators of emotions and feelings as ‘human nature.’

 

When and as I see myself wanting to make a decision in my life based on the desire to oppose my family/ the world/ ‘normal people,’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is a basic mechanism that I have used throughout my life to generate conflict and separate myself from others in means of keeping me as ‘special’ and ‘unique,’ which is in fact just another egotistical way to ensure that ‘I’ remain special/ unique within the ‘artist role,’ instead I realize that all decisions I make must be considered within the outflows and consequences of the entirety of ‘who I am’ in that moment of decision, taking all into consideration wherein I ensure I am not opposing something/ someone, wanting to ‘avoid’ or wanting to create an experience within me as ‘living,’ – but instead direct me to consider the practical, physical and tangible steps to walk that decision that will be founded upon the consideration of what is best for all life, what is it really required to be and be done in order to establish LIFE in this world.

 

I realize that I had only sought to be and become this profession to indulge in my egotistical personality, my desire to be special and unique – instead of ever really considering what can I be and become in order to be an actual participant that takes on a position within reality to change the world that I judged for so long, and daring to first walk that process myself which is what I am now walking as my own correction to the decisions I made based on opposition, retaliation in my own mind to create a sense of superiority toward ‘the rest of the world,’ trying to ‘not be of this world’ by ‘being an artist’ and creating an aura of specialness around me.

 

When and as I see myself desiring to ‘not be like everyone else’ I stop and I breathe, I realize that this is the mechanism that we all accept as ‘normal’ within ourselves, but is in fact the basic platform from which inequality stems, because such statement implies: I want to be special, I want to be ‘more’ than others – hence allowing an entire system that enables such ‘specialness’ through the value given to different professions and skills that can actually be equalized for all if we stop holding anything as more or less than who we are as one and equal. Thus I see that the equalization of myself as life begins with stopping one single thought as a desire to ‘not be normal/ ordinary.’ I direct myself to stand as one and equal as the totality that we are wherein there can be no more and no less, but only self-expansion from the confinement of a mind that seeks to be ‘above others’ into the creation of a reality that I can in fact contribute to be supportive for all equally, and in that, supporting people’s expression to be artists and create themselves as the individuals that we all can be if regarding ourselves as life in Equality.

 

I realize that the reason why I considered art as some ‘unique’ and ‘special’ activity/ profession in my world, was because of the fame and aura of ‘specialness’ that artists would get, which became my actual desire to be and become an artist for such desire to be recognized and praised as some ‘great creator’ only to fuel my ego and desire for specialness, which stems from an actual inferiority and sense of ‘lacking’ such wholeness/ completion as myself as my physical being, but believing that I had to seek to be ‘more’ than myself as who and what I’ve been and am and will be until I die: my physical body here, breathing.

 

When and as I see myself believing that I can only create when I am feeling ‘emotional’ in any way – I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is the reason why I believe that ‘I do not want to create anything’ just because I have not been as ‘emotional’ as I used to, wherein I have stopped having this desire to ‘create’ because of the link I created between art creation and emotional experience. Thus I direct myself to create without thinking that I require to be emotional/ inspired to do so, which is then me creating as a moment of expression within myself that does not require to be backed by an experience, but can be directed as the moment in common sense = considering what’s best for all as a creation that is not fueled by emotions or feelings, but only externalizing the expression of myself in any given moment that I direct myself to do so.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to get positive feedback on my creations as a way to ‘know’ that I have ‘touched’ them in any way, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am trying to make of art an emotion/ feeling instigator instead of actually supporting myself and others to stop the mind and get back into the physical reality that does not require feelings or emotions to be and exist – hence I direct myself to use pictures, images, paintings in common sense to give them a new meaning based on what life is, what life can be if we all work together to actually create a world that’s best for all, wherein the only role that art can take is the creative process in itself wherein we all realize ourselves as our own creators and within that, being self responsible about such creations in order to ensure that we are in fact considering each other in every moment of creation, and stop creating as a means to elevate our egos –

 

I commit myself to stop any aura of specialness toward art, and simply accept it, see it as any other form of expression coming from a fellow human being that is valuable just for the part of this reality that it represents, without seeing it as ‘holy objects’ or ‘special objects’ in my world.

 

I commit myself to establish the Equal Money System that will ensure that dreams of fame and fortune stop being this constant fuel for the desire to be special and unique within beings, but instead become an actual point of support to ensure that all beings can learn how to express through art if they want to do so, and have no restrictions based on time, survival or any other form of belief of what is art/ what is not art – but simply using materials to create as a way to get to know ourselves through our creations, be able to reflect about reality in a self-supportive way wherein emotions and feelings are no longer in the way but we direct the work to be an actual representation of the realization of who we are as one and equals as life.

 

 

For more support, visit Desteni Forum 

Desteni I Process 

 

 

aversion

 

Must Read Blogs:

 

Read the previous chapters of this exploration around art as a career choice:


Day 50: I Ate Myself Today

What does it mean to ‘Feed my obsessions?’ and how is this related to Eating myself? The current understand that we’re getting from the Heaven’s Journey to Life blog, implies that we have in fact been our own parasite as the mind eating away on our very own physical body. It’s fascinating that we reprimand cannibalism – some can even express being utterly disgusted by it – yet we do this to ourselves every single moment that we are existing in our minds, feeding our obsessions as thoughts, feelings, emotions and anything that we can ‘grab onto’ from our reality, which becomes a point of stimulation for ourselves as the mind to hold on to that point, and take it to the level of complete possession wherein ‘who I am’ is no longer here-as-breath, but instead  consuming/depleting myself as the physical body every single moment that I give my breaths away to feed but one single thought, which through repetition and patterns can become an obsession.

 

This pattern of ‘me feeding my obsessions’ has been a great distractor within my reality, wherein one single point of stimulation can divert my attention from here-as-breath, physically present as my body, and into a mind-shift wherein all that I remain doing is ‘thinking’ about that something/someone/event that becomes ‘my point’ to grab onto in order to continue existing only as a mind that thinks and has no-regard whatsoever for HOW it is being fed in itself, which is: through the consumption and transformation of the physical into energy, which is like the way we have violated life of oneness and equality and extracting – just like fracking, drilling, exploiting wells – and transforming it – like refining oil for gas – into a form of energy that is able to serve as fuel for the mind.

 

I had begun exploring this point of judging waste/ garbage outside of myself, without being aware of how I am depleting myself at a physical level by the very participation in the mind as consciousness, within my conscious mind that then activates everything that I exist as within/as my mind consciousness system. This implies that we have all been very busy depleting, consuming and literally eating ourselves whenever we feed our obsessions = whenever we feed our own mind.

 

And, that has been a definitive pattern that I have walked wherein my own ‘diligence’ in other areas, becomes equally diligent within the ‘feeding my obsessions’ point, wherein I won’t stop until I satiate that need – it’s just like vampires, lol, now I see why I would get such a kick out of reading those stories because, the drive for blood was so great that it became almost like an elation in itself to ‘look for it,’ which is quite similar to how we go ‘seeking for love’ and sickening ourselves to the bone by depleting the very physical through that constant feed of obsessions with our own physicality/life substance, which is the very ‘point’ that we have missed as humanity all the way:

 

Our minds consume our physicality

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘feed my obsessions’ indiscriminately because it usually generates this exhilaration as a ‘good feeling’ that I have accepted and allowed in the past to exist as ‘reasons to live,’ which implies that I diminished my day to day living to a continuous point that I had to ‘achieve,’ such as attaining a goal, a relationship, going somewhere, experiencing myself in a particular moment or event, which would become a constant conscious thought that I would ‘feed’ every single moment that I wasn’t here-as-breath but only as a mind feeding itself off of my physical body substance, which is the actual ‘fuel’ for the mind – without me ever being aware or even caring enough to ponder: how is it that my mind is being fueled?

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever be afraid and disgusted at cannibalism, without realizing that I am my very own cannibal the moment that I continue participating in the mind while already now knowing that I eat myself, I consume and deplete my very own life substance ever single moment that I give my moment here-as-breath into feeding one single thought that becomes ‘my obsession,’ simply because it generates a ‘good experience’ within me – within this

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that it was ‘okay’ for me to ‘chase my dreams’ because apparently ‘that’s what we as human beings are here on Earth for! To achieve our goals, dreams and greatest illusions!’ and in that, believing that because everyone else is doing it: why can’t I also do it? And so, becoming the perfect preprogrammed organic robot in a society that is specifically built, structured and organized in a way that we are constantly bombarded and stuffed with points that we can generate an obsession for: either a ‘perfect partner/ spiritual soul-mate,’ a pair of shoes, a great restaurant to attend, the ultimate car, some nice vacations in the Bahamas, getting the ultimate games, music, watching movies, attending parties, socializing while consuming anything – and any other point that becomes this ‘constant’ though in our heads that we then agree to ‘work for’ because: it is worth it, we are worth it – which has not become by casualty part of the advertisement’s mottos in order to make it ‘okay’ to feed our obsessions.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to neglect my common sense and shape myself according to what everyone else was doing, which was feeding their obsessions about music, idolizing famous people, wanting to buy lots of clothes, products that would make us ‘feel better’ about ourselves, without ever realizing that: from the moment that we give permission as the acceptance (cause) and allowance (effect) to feed that obsession as an actual desire/ want/ need = we comply to the entire consumerist behavior that is broadly accepted in our society, wherein we have all agreed to ‘feed each other’s obsessions’ through making it ‘okay’ to equate live = consuming, buying, satisfying ourselves with products, things, relationships as life-experiences that we believe is ‘all we’re here for’ when in fact, who and what we have become, is nothing but a machine that is able to justify, excuse and vindicate any means/ ways to obtain its satisfaction as that positive energy that is created the moment that we ‘give into’ our obsessions and don’t stop until we get it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to never realize that I would actually only be obsessed and feeding my obsessions for the actual ‘good feeling’ that I would create within myself, placing aside the common sense that would actually rear its head every time that I would realize that: everything/ everyone that I desired and that had become that point of obsession, was never ‘as good as’ I had ‘Thought’ it would be, because the Idea and belief that I formed about that something/ someone Never matched reality. This implies that I had only been feeding my own mind, through using my physical life substance to do so, in order to make myself ‘feel good’ and in most instances, ‘feel alive’ through feeding my thoughts, feelings and emotions about that something/ someone, wherein I ultimately disregarded the fact that: it was never about ‘them’ but it was only about me-feeding my-own obsessions to make-me ‘feel good’ and reduce my physical body to a single energy-making machine that feeds the mind through depleting itself as life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use something/ someone as a point of stimulation within my mind that I grab onto as a way to continue perpetuating myself as only an experience generated through thoughts and feelings that I use to ‘feel good’ about myself, thinking that I was actually ‘living’ while desiring/ daydreaming/wanting/ needing – when in fact, all of it was made ‘acceptable’ within ourselves as human beings, through that very initial acceptance of ‘who we are’ as only mind-energy demons that feed off of the physical substance/ life that we are, which we have neglected throughout our entire existence, using it as literally only a physical bait to attract others into our reality, reducing ourselves to a single image-based reality that is virtually only fed-for and specifically manipulated in order to Feed our Minds – but Never consider what we really are as physical beings, beyond a single image in the mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having become horrified at the sight of natural resources’ extraction/ exploitation such as fracking, without realizing that I have been doing the exact same thing within my very own physical body, which implies that this world is the exact replica and representation of who we are and what we exist-as within our own minds, which reveals to what extent we have become judges of our own deeds, condemning our very own functioning that we have conveniently veiled ourselves from seeing, because: the truth and reality of who and what we have become, has Nothing to do with light or love, has nothing to do with ‘feeling good’ about a single iota of mind movement that I use in order to satisfy and satiate myself as a mind, because all that I have ever fed is my own mind.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was ‘nurturing myself’ with ‘love’ which is part of the programming that I got fed-with through learning lyrics and complying to the popular culture in a specific ‘branch’ of it, that I deemed would use ‘love’ as a more ‘spiritual’ thing other than just a physical-bait for sex that is understood, without realizing that all forms of obsession are the same, we can simply choose to ‘coat it’ with either chocolate, caramel or nuts and still it is the same thing: a point of obsession that makes me feel ‘good’ about myself and my reality, which is only a reality generated through and by the mind, neglecting at all times the actual physicality that I exist as.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to ask forgiveness to my body for what I’ve done to it in the name of feeding my relationship obsessions, I am witnessing the consequences of this continued application throughout my life and all I can say is that I forgive myself for having neglected at all times the fact that I sought myself outside of myself this whole time, while reducing my own physical body to a single instrument of chasing-after that which I wanted to ‘obtain/ get’ to ‘satisfy myself.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consume my very own physical body/ life substance every moment that I sought to be ‘fulfilled’ in separation of myself through attaining something/ someone/ going somewhere else – and in this, neglecting every single moment that I lived HERE as myself, as Life in the Physical, which is now what I am walking as myself, in order to establish for the very first time that equal and one relationship with myself as my physical body, now that I’ve realized how I had become the ultimate obsession for ‘something/ someone’ in separation of myself in my mind, while disregarding and completely ignoring myself as my physical body that I am here, as breath as life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with my own mind as thoughts, feelings and ideas as future projections that I use to instigate a ‘good feeling’/ positive experience within me, which stems from this inherently accepted and allowed perception of myself ‘not being complete/ not being good enough’ wherein I then sought-myself in separation of who I am here-as-breath as the physical. Thus, I stop feeding my obsessions and becoming obese with my own over-eating to fuel my obsessions and mind-addictions in order to feed one single pattern that I, through cultural cultivation, had accepted as ‘who/ what I must aspire to be/become’ which is a ‘satisfied person’ – which implies the saturation of myself of positive energy that seeks to rejuvenate itself as a mind every single moment that such saturation of myself as positive energy goes to a low, which is when I then re-activate my obsession as the mind, neglecting myself here-as-breath – in order to place into motion the extraction of physicality life-substance at the service of the mind-system and Not of myself here-as-breath, as life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate the act of eating something outside of myself from eating-myself, which implies that the energy-resources that I am ‘craving for’ are in fact mind generated when not having established a physical-relationship with my own physical body to realize, see and understand what is it that I am ‘in-fact’ requiring to eat, and what is simply only a mind-related consumption of food in separation of myself here-as-breath.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘feeding someone else’s obsession’ was in any way some type of sexual innuendo that I would play out in order to have power over others, which I learned through songs and pictures and ideas of what would be ‘enjoyable’ within others, which was only enjoyable within who I am as a mind system that is willing to create the most twisted and bizarre ways of satisfying ourselves as an idea of the mind, as the ego and personality that has never in fact been ourselves here-as-life, as the physical – but only who we are as mind-systems that work in a system of money wherein everything that will give us a ‘high’ is directly linked to having to ‘buy it’ and consume it’ in the name of our personal glory and satisfaction.

 

I commit myself to establish my own relationship with my physical body first and foremost before even attempting to walk with others in equality, as I see and realize that the moment that I miss-myself and instead divert my attention of here-as-breath into the mind as ‘feeding my obsessions’ as future projection, I am in fact only existing in the mind and not here-as-breath. Thus I walk my self-agreement process wherein I make sure that who I am is always here as self, constant and consistently existing as the physical, wherein any single diversion into the mind, is called out into awareness of me here-as-breath to walk Self-Forgiveness here-as-life in order to establish myself as the directive principle of who I am in every single moment.

 

I commit myself to become more aware of what am I feeding myself with as food and going establishing awareness to see how if I am eating is in fact required by my physical body, or if it is only feeding myself as a mind-obsession that is always justifying and excusing its desire/ want/ need for mind fuel as the deification of energy for/ as the mind, while defying and neglecting the physical that must be invariably abused, used and depleted in order to satisfy the mind’s obsessions.

 

I commit myself to stop every single thought that becomes an instant obsession within myself, from a single picture presentation, an ideal of living, a desire to be somewhere else, a desire to be experiencing a particular emotion that I had become so used to in the past as any for of temporary sense of ‘satisfaction’ that would satiate my mind for a while, only leaving me high and dry after a while and asking for more.

 

I commit myself to establish myself from here on as the point that is able to give herself/itself back to Earth wherein the energy that I consume is no longer used to abuse life, but is instead used to support Life as who I am, wherein all that I consume is given back to Earth, Earthing all the energy that I’ve abused and give it back to self.

 

I commit myself to establish a world-system of money – the Equal Money System – wherein we will no longer be brainwashing each other in the name of consumption as buying, consuming, producing and selling that which we know is detrimental to life on Earth, but we currently comply to it because our lives depend on ‘making money to survive,’ which reveals to what extent we have compromised life to this compro = ‘I buy’ in Spanish – mise (miser) and in that, reducing our entire existence to a buy-consume happy-go-lucky living that is absolutely energy-based and Never has been physical awareness and consideration of self-here as life, breathing, walking, physically existing as the flesh and bones, as the organism that simply requires breath and physical substance at the moment to exist.

 

Do we really LOVE or only ( H ) Ate ourselves while doing so?

What are we doing to ourselves

 

Interviews on the subject matter Life

 

Blogs!

 

Music that suits this blog to the T

MFM Radio – Love is Only Me


Day 38: Inconsiderate Blackmail

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts about me being ‘inconsiderate’ toward other people, wherein I allowed myself to have ‘second thoughts’ about my communication wherein I essentially compromised my ability to be directive, straightforward and frank in every single moment – and instead having accessed the past  familiar pattern of  ‘not wanting to be harsh’/ not wanting to sound rude  out of fearing hurting others’ feelings, and in that, compromising my ability to speak self-honestly about myself and my experience due to fear of speaking/ communicating in a way that is ‘unusual’ by people in my past.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to for a single moment doubt my words as the expression of myself in any given moment, wherein I accessed my mind to consider a person in relation to ‘who they have been in my past’ and in that, compromise my entire moment and opportunity to stand absolutely here, communicating in self honesty due to believing that I must still hold any ‘special regard’ to people in my past.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever feel like I had to commiserate to people that were simply showing themselves as ‘not having a good time’ wherein I would then ‘god down the hill’ to be the company that their misery required, and in this becoming one and equal to the pattern of victimization, powerlessness and general self-disregard as life that any point of self-abuse entails within our life-experiences – in this

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to compromise my direct and immediate ability to communicate and say things ‘as they are’ because of fearing sounding ‘too harsh’/ ‘too cold’/ ‘too bitchy’/ being too bossy toward another, and in that being second-thinking about ‘how will this person/ people read my words like?’ wherein there’s a fear of being perceived as a dictator that doesn’t give a shit about anyone’s feelings – but I fact, I see and realize that I should not really care about other’s ‘feelings’ as that is and has become the hypocrisy of life that we have diminished to condescending to each other’s ‘feelings’ and ‘emotions,’ compromising our entire living-moment to diminish ourselves to play-out an energetic pattern of being either happy/ sad, angry/ joyful and any other bipolar activity that we have become and diminished our living expression-to the moment that we start THINKING about feelings, accepting those feelings as ‘real’ and in that, abdicating our entire life-substance authority to the energetic-pattern authority of caring about feelings and emotions within ourselves and subsequently, within others as well.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself for a single moment while having to access the ‘who I was’ for another in the past and in that, compromise my ability to stand here as the physical stability that is able to express here in the moment without having to access memories as the old-patterns and programs that I had accepted and allowed myself to become.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish my ability to express directly and frankly in the moment every time that I allow myself to access the energetic pattern of ‘condescending’ to another just so that I am not judged as being ‘inconsiderate’ based on feelings/ emotions , which in essence represents respecting and allowing the continuation of the very patterns of deception that we have fed/pat our backs with throughout our lifetimes, thinking that we had to consider another’s ‘feelings’ whenever we communicate in order to ‘not hurt them,’

 

In this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever having feared ‘hurting another’s feelings’ when in fact, I have no ability to hurt another through words but only project my own judgments onto others, which his how I work with myself, my own writings, self forgiveness and self corrective application to ensure that I establish myself as living words, words that are supportive for me to live by – words that represent at all times that which I want to live as and that I have pondered and considered first that they are beneficial and considering at all times: what’s best for all.

 

I realize that the best way for us to live as and by is to speak Self-Honestly which means, no longer being participating in emotional and feeling blackmail of mutual condescendence to recreate either positive or negative experiences, wherein if one does not participate in the game, is then fearing being called as ‘inconsiderate’ – when in fact, being considerate as in considering all life the most pertinent and sane thing to do is to stop all power games, all emotional / feeling blackmailing and communicate in the moment about practical points that are supportive, and that don’t re-create any form of past experience that was based on emotions/ feelings toward each other as the egos that would consume life in the name of personal glory and doom as a way to self-satisfaction.

 

I realize that it always takes two to tango and that every time that  perceive that I must ‘be careful about what I speak in fear of hurting another’s feelings’ I simply stop the thinking and breathe – and realize that who I am cannot be determined by ‘who I was’ in the past toward a character that became a pivotal point in my ego/ personality of self-victimization wherein power-games of diminishing and augmenting ourselves in the name of ‘creating an experience’ had become my way of relating to others in my world. I see that I cannot hurt another’s feelings unless they allow themselves to be identified as feelings  – and that I can only ‘hurt’ if I allow myself to voice words that are simply not considering what’s best for all in practical/ physical matters, wherein self-compromise can only exist if I dare to access the mind and the entire ego-network of memories to define ‘who I am’ in the moment – I instead breathe and allow myself to express, unconditionally, holding responsibility for every single word that I say, ensuring that it is not defined in any way according to ‘who’ I am communicating with, but establishing and asserting the realization of equality within communication, where no special regard, no antique preference is able to define my words in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard in the moment of communication the fact that no being can ever be benefitted from thinking, experiencing emotions or feelings, regardless of the perceived ‘happiness’ and ‘enjoyment’ that a moment can bring, I allow myself to see that such happiness and enjoyment cannot be propitiated or instilled and instigated in another as a desire, but must emerge as an actual realization of self allowing oneself to stand as the stability that each one can only give to themselves and that cannot be ‘given’ or ‘induced’ by another, as that would imply wanting to manipulate in order to get a point of satisfaction through giving pleasure/ creating a ‘good experience’ in another, which is and had been the starting point of wanting to seem affable and cordial at all times, due to the fear of sounding/ being too harsh and being inconsiderate.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to propitiate the same blackmailing situation as in becoming emotional at other’s words wherein I would then play the ‘hurt victim’ in order to not see and realize that I was in fact simply doing it to myself as a form to get people to treat me with ‘more care’ and give me ‘more attention,’ which implies that any form of whining and throwing tantrums has only been a way to project the misery that I had created within myself as my own accumulation of backchat, emotions and feelings as unbearable mind-created experiences, that I then  sought to release through using another person, an event/ situation as a crutch for me to download all this self-created pity and denigration in order to have more commiserating and ‘feeling sorry’ about myself, as a form of obtaining the necessary recognition – no matter what the initial point to obtain such recognition was about – and through that, make myself feel better forgetting people’s attention in a condescending and ‘caring’ way.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to consider that the only harm that exists is toward life the moment that I become an energetic mind-pattern interacting with others at the same energized pattern wherein all that is consumed is life breath by breath, disregarding moment by moment the opportunity to stand up and interact based on the physical reality/ circumstance that requires no emotional/ feeling interplay to take place.

 

When and as I see myself thinking ‘he/she will perceive me as harsh/ inconsiderate toward their situation’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that every time that I do this from the starting point of fearing ‘hurting another’s feelings’ I am already agreeing to participate in the power game of reducing life to an energetic interplay wherein I realize I simply have to now stop all condescendence as to ‘who I am talking to/ communicating with’ and walk as the constancy and consistency that I am establishing as myself in every moment of breath, wherein I make sure that I stop compromising life to be reduced to ephemeral ashes of emotions and feelings due to relationships formed as the very cause of such need and desire to be ‘experiencing’ ourselves as our ego/ personalities in order to be able to ‘interact’ with each other.

 

I see and realize that when communicating with people – I do not require to regard them in specific groupings according to ‘where they belong’ in and as the ‘story of my past,’ but instead realizing that I can equally communicate to a being that I just met, to a being that I’ve communicated with for some time and to a being that I had not talked in years, as time and memories do not define who I am in every moment that I am here, that I breathe, that I can read and speak as the expression of myself within a particular contest, which doesn’t require to be compromised in any way whatsoever.

 

I commit myself to expose how it is in these seemingly ‘usual interactions’ of accessing and allowing another’s tantrums and justifications for  experiencing any crisis, depression, emotion/ feeling that we become equal participants of such manipulation that is always in the name of self-interest, because life cannot be suited to commiserate, life cannot be ‘emotionally hurt’ and life cannot be made feel better as that would mean an overall reform of the system that is simply not even considered the moment that we ‘seek’ to make someone feel ‘better about themselves’ which is just creating a point of dependence toward a relationship wherein self-realization as the stopping of all forms of self-manipulation is not supported, but instead the same feelings and emotions that validate such individuals’ experiences in the name of ‘relationships.’

 

I commit myself to stop any second-guessing as to ‘how I must address another’ based on memories, as I see and realize that who I am is not memories, and who I am here as breath cannot be reduced to a pre-tense in order to keep an illusion of ‘who I am’ toward another as ‘up to date.’ I instead direct myself to ensure that my communication and the starting point of such communication is at all times the ability to support myself and others in equality, and in no way entail any form of seeking and looking for an experience within me to be revamped from the past.

 

I realize that the only way that we can all stop participating in the usual coming and going of verbal exchanges that seek to create/ feed or oppose another’s experience is through first not allowing ourselves to see such experience as real, but instead allowing us to stop, self forgive ourselves and walk the moment as self correction wherein I communicate me as the moment,without wanting to ‘maintain’ a energetic interaction going, but simply unconditionally share myself and walk any point of communication breath-by-breath.

This is to ensure that all forms of self-compromise are stopped the moment that they start brewing as second thinking, as ‘complication’ as ‘other’s consideration’ in order to stand clear here as myself, wherein I make sure I stand regardless of what anyone else could ‘perceive’ about my words, my stance and my decision to live and not allow anything else than who I am here in the moment that I breathe.

 

I commit myself to expose how much we drain each other when participating in emotional and feeling blackmail, seeking to create relationships not with each other as physical beings, but as mind systems that recharge, suck dry and refurbish each other’s experiences as the continuation of who ‘we are’ as egos of the mind, and explain how we are consuming our very beingness in any moment that we allow ourselves to be the ‘dancer in the tango’ wherein emotions are seen as real and participated along with in order to ‘make them more real.’

 

I stop all abuse toward life by ensuring that all words that come out of my mouth, all thoughts and deeds are fabricated with the consideration of being using my moment to moment to establish myself as life, and to provide me with enough self-support as oxygen that allows me to be HERE breathing, walking, talking, communicating with others without having to ‘socialize’ into lies of power games, submission, control, depression and any other midlife crisis that I see only exists as a self created experience by each being that allows oneself to go through such experiences as something that is ‘real’ when in fact, it’s all self created/ self-generated at a mind level.

 

Who we are as life is as constant and consistent as the breath that I breathe in, hence I allow myself to breath and speak from the starting point of supporting what’s best for all life at all times, as that will ensure that I become part of the self-honest participants required in this world to stop the old and pave the way fro the new way of living as humanity based on Equality and Oneness as Life.

 

For further support with Self-Forgiveness visit

Desteni

Desteni I Process

Desteni Forum 

 

To Forgive and Let go

And become part of the Neighborism supporters wherein we ensure that all relationships between human beings are being exposed to be redefined into best-for-all outcomes wherein Life in Equality is the principle we follow.

 

Blogs:

 

Supportive Interview:

Life Review – The Internal Battle with Pleasing Others


Be-Lame

“It’s all your fault!”  How many times have we been ‘impressed’ by these words and taken them personally, creating an experience that runs through our body as a mix of fear, guilt, shame, embarrassment eventually resulting in us feeling like ‘shit,’ because it is apparently ‘our fault’ and now we are the scum of the Earth because: we fucked up.

Hearing these words directed toward myself was something quite common when I was a child – I would be automatically pointed at for anything that would go wrong in my house. Sometimes I had actually been the one that caused something to break or be ‘in disorder’ because of my own negligence/ laziness, some other times it was just ‘out of habit’ that anything wrong would be then ‘my fault’ and questions would not be asked, but only fingers  would point at me; I would then try and defend myself, usually sobbing and already in that ‘victimized’ state saying ‘it wasn’t me,’ but it’s as if any form of credibility had been lost from a series of events where I had been the actual ‘cause’ which is how then one builds a certain ‘reputation’ that can work for either one’s curse throughout life or benefit. I’ve experienced it both ways – for now I’ll debunk the first one.

 

I can see myself as this pattern of being blamed for shit hitting the fan and getting this constant ‘nagging’ about things that I had to do and I wouldn’t do, being quite a ‘disorderly’ person, very lazy and with a great inertia as a resistance to not move if I didn’t have to. I was the type of person that would get from school, eat, go upstairs and plug myself to watch ( M)TV the whole time, this includes the time while I would do my homework – I would only be rather ‘responsible’ and turn it off for proper concentration when studying for exams. I never had any problems with this because I did ‘well’ in school, so my parents probably thought I was some type of lucky person for being able to be responsible and get excellent grades even when spending long hours watching TV.  I became very sedentary, only caring to be in front of the TV and getting more and more sucked into being entertained or rather ‘stimulated’ the whole time. This is just a ‘background’ perspective on how I could be quite careless within my reality which is what lead me to neglect doing tasks and having my world in order; this is how I would get constantly ‘nagged’ for not being an orderly person, not taking care of my stuff and within that,  ‘being blamed for’ things because I was the only one that was such a ‘disaster’ at home.

It is now that I realize how what others say about us might influence us in deeper ways than we are able to notice in that moment. I can see as I write about ‘being blamed’ for shit happening around in my reality, that I ended up believing myself to actually be the cause for shit happening in my world. And I am only now seeing these old memories of how much I took it all personal and how I would write/ speak to myself that ‘I wasn’t loved’ in my family and that ‘I bet they would all be happier if I wasn’t part of the family’ – these thoughts would come up within an entire attire of self-victimization experiencing sadness and belittling myself/ feeling sorry about myself.  I would usually leave the dinner table whenever I was told something along the lines of ‘you caused this shit.’ Parents and sisters would sometimes direct heavy words towards me – or each other for that matter – and I can speak for myself how I would take them deeply seriously and never considered at all that they were only speaking about themselves and only using anyone as an ‘outlet’ for their own personal problems, anger and frustration.

By ‘heavy words’ I mean offenses, cursing that would come out with great ease such as from my father’s mouth. I would only resort to cry because that’s all I knew at that time, feeling bad about what he had said about me in that moment of anger for whatever cause it was, and eventually having my mother coming up to me and explaining that he was just in a bad mood and that he really ‘didn’t mean it.’ And it was indeed just him exerting his own emotions on to anyone else, which is one of the patterns I’ve shared here before in terms of blaming others about stuff that is only a way to not face our own responsibility, which I have also played out to a great extent throughout my life.  Thus, I have realized how this was never actually ‘about me’ but about each person directing their anger on to each other. It’s very clear here how a lot of shit can fly around within the context of a ‘family’ because it is a group of beings facing each one’s programming in different shades – hence the ‘confrontation’ with oneself is more clear and direct, spiced up by the notorious different personalities that ‘mask’ the differentiation that exist at the core level of DNA.

 

When taking such words and scolding as ‘real’ and within me defining myself as being very sensitive to people’s words, I would always take it personally and within this, drown myself into a deep grudge toward the person until I realized how it all worked by me holding that memory of ‘being offended’ and link it to the person, which became quite obvious when after several days I would have to ‘recall’ that I was ‘mad at this person for having said this/ that about me.’  I would mostly then ‘forgive’ in a way that I would be able to talk to that family member/ person again.  Similar situations to the one I explained about my father also happened with my mother and sisters – within this, all I created of and for myself was a nice suit of victimization wherein my mother would sometimes point out how I was making a ‘big deal out of it,’ but I would mostly only argue for my limitations because in a way, I wanted them to ‘feel bad’ for having ‘made me feel bad’ and in that, we can see how this coming and going create endless drama, retaliation, desire for ‘vengeance’ that would turn into grudge-scabs that we would tear off from time to time to bring the memory up again and use it as a way to manipulate and have an effect on another.

This is absolutely unnecessary as we now can see – yet this becomes even at a human-culture level ‘how things work’ in the family. It has become such a cliché that we cannot conceive a family that could live in equal ways wherein there was ‘no shit flying around.’ As human beings we have accepted these ‘fucked up’ relationships in our very own house and from this, manifest this entire world as it is: a world/system of retaliation, seeking vengeance, holding grudges, calling names, wanting others to ‘feel’ what they have ‘done onto us,’ seeking ‘to be the favorite one,’ comparing ourselves to each other, finding our ‘place’ in some form/role in the family wherein we can only support our own ‘life experience’ as something real, as ‘who we are’ which is obviously not based in common sense and an actual integration as part of an entire society, but remain living within/as that survival mechanism.

We become ‘who we are’ in this nest that we call ‘home’ and from there, we accept this role and carry it as ourselves throughout or lives. We accept and allow ourselves to remain in that same shape and mold that we create mostly through our early years in this world. And it is within that very first relationship with our parents and how our parents ‘treat us’ that we will then walk through the world believing it is ‘who we are,’ simply because we had not been able to realize and understand that it was never about ‘us’ in fact,  but it was always about them creating this relationship toward ‘ourselves’ as their children which was only them playing out their own relationship toward themselves in their own mind. Fascinating stuff however, we didn’t know  about this until now.

I became aware of how it was even ‘cool’ to have and almost cherish this something I could ‘brag about’ toward my parents, it was a way of having the power to blackmail them for ever having ‘hurt me’ in such a way, which is obviously unacceptable. Yet, this type of patterns are played out by many, many human beings in their personal relationships; this is very common in marriages for example, where it becomes a dog eat dog type of relationship wherein people bring up memories and each others shit and throw it at each other without ever being able to see the harm that they are inflicting not only to themselves as a couple, but kids if they have any in such ‘family’ scenario. It is truly unacceptable, and this brings up the title of one six feet under episode: ‘Terror starts at home’ which is true as this is the first ‘entry’ we have of the world in our mind – we will accordingly walk into this world within/as the shape that we acquire within the family nucleus and often remain like that for an entire lifetime, without realizing that who really am  as life, as one and equal has nothing to do with the role I got to play as a child at home, who I am is not the character that would get easily offended or ‘hurt’ by  words that any family member  used to deprecate myself in anyway,  as now I see and realize it was never about ‘me’ but themselves all the time.

This is how it is ludicrous to continue accepting and holding this image of ourselves as ‘who we are’ because it was simply an entire personality created and shaped according to the conditions that we were born into, which as we know, are not based on ‘what’s best for all’ but only according to the rules of a fucked up system that we have accepted and allowed without any question before. Carrying ourselves as self-limited boxes of memories as ‘who we are’ and bringing up all of these reasons as to ‘why we are the way we are’ is only another excuse to not dare to step out of the victimization role and take self responsibility. It was almost ‘painful’ having to see that I had lived as a victim asking ‘why’ all the time instead of asking ‘how’ I had accepted and allowed the entire situation in life, how it is not only about ‘me’ but about walking an entire program wherein no self-awareness was existent – I mean, Self Forgiveness here is really forgiving ourselves for merely playing out roles that were solely programmed to cause conflict and separation within our lives, never being able to self-forgive because some other form of ‘intermediary’ was then created/ sought which is how God probably came into the play = another form to avoid confronting the reality that we had created between ourselves.

No matter what ‘intensity’ of it, any form of name-calling, point-finger done in absolute self-indulgence creates consequences that reverberate throughout a being’s life without it being even ‘noticeable’ by the person as it becomes just part of the self-definition that we take on because: that is all we know. This is how it is vital that as parents, human beings are able to understand how each and every single word uttered toward their kids will have a direct influence within their lives because of their receptive condition to accept what they are taught as ‘how things are.’  It is thus unacceptable to continue disregarding the fact that anyone that wants to be/ become a parent must first walk a process of self-responsibility in Self Honesty to ensure that none of our personal bs as a preprogrammed limited consciousness systems is passed on toward a child that walks into this world in such an innocent manner, wherein anything that ‘father’ or ‘mother’ says becomes ‘the law’ and ‘how things are’ without ever questioning – or even having the ability to question – why it is that we are accepting and allowing ourselves to diminish ourselves by words/ thoughts that others may utter toward ourselves?

In my experience I saw how I took on such words as ‘who I am’ and no matter how I would see myself not being ‘stupid’ or a ‘dumbass,’ I would use such memories of others  saying that to me so that I could go back to ‘feeling bad’ about myself and within this, justify my separation and general segregation from the rest of my family. That’s how I justified myself ‘not belonging to that family’ and creating this general ‘silent’ grudge toward them all because of me believing all the words they would say. As a child I sometimes got to speak about this with my mother, and she would say exactly the same, how such words were only coming from their own anger and self experience, that they weren’t about ‘me’ per se, but still I decided that the whole thing was very real and I would rather choose to be sensitive about it because I thought that my mother was only trying to ‘make it all look better’ than what it was – meaning, trying to excuse my sisters/ father or herself for the words that were said. In that moment I decided to ‘not buy it,’ instead I lived out this separation that I  justified with creating an entire personality suit that I’ve deemed as the ‘black sheep in the family,’ just walking a road that I designed in opposite direction to the one I saw my sisters were taking on, just because of not wanting to be ‘predictable’ and following their entire set of preferences and lifestyle.

This was a deliberate point of self-manipulation as well so that I would not have to actually face myself within the family system, but instead build myself a comfortable niche to be the ‘odd one’ and thus have a ‘place’ within that ‘oddity’ so to speak. Once I got to understand this, I then went into a polarity of being ‘unbreakable’ so to speak but not through an actual understanding of such beings speaking only about their own limitations, but in a form of defense mechanism wherein reactions would still come up without working with them, it was only a façade and in that, I wasn’t actually working with stopping my reactions. I didn’t know of Self Forgiveness so I simply did my best to ‘cope with the world’ without ever really looking at my reactions and how I was only shoving them away while pretending ‘nothing could hurt me now’ which is something I’ve shared before in the hard and soft veneers blog. I see that’s how I saw ‘being/ becoming an artist’ quite a cool and acceptable role within society, being ‘eccentric’ yet part of the ‘whole’ in a distinctive manner.

Now that I see, my ‘choices’ in life were then stemming from this entire personality development: from the victim, to the rebel to self-righteousness that I exerted as my career choice, the type of friends/ relationships I had, the type of life I dreamed of having, the type of music I would listen, the clothes I wear, the interests, morality, values – all of it was then specifically designed/ chosen by myself having this starting point of almost creating an unconscious retaliation toward my family/ the family system I was born into.

I had ‘seen’ this before through this process and writing this out, how I had only played out that odd-polarity that was sticking out within the family pattern – however, I had not seen how it had all begun from these early experiences of ‘being hurt’ by others’ words such as ‘being blamed for everything that went wrong’ and within this, belittling myself, wanting to just ‘leave home’ in my mind because I thought that I was not ‘loved’ there and that I was only like this undesired child that had come to interrupt their happy-family life. I mean, I am writing the thoughts as I am recalling them, I think I even wrote this out when I was quite young when I would use writings as a catalyzer to cry and feeling sorry about myself, as a con.firmation of ‘the world being a fuckup/ mean place to live in’ and within this, believing that the only way to coexist in it was through not participating in the same ‘game’ that I would see the entire family and then ‘society’ was playing out, never realizing how the personality that I developed as myself was in fact absolutely defined and created in-opposition to my family. It’s just like an atheist that is still defining himself/herself according to the Non-existence of a god – and within this obviously still confirming the existence of a god as a concept – and curiously enough – belief in itself.

So,  now we are aware of how within this system, every word that anyone may speak toward another is actually about themselves. Now, it’s not to be self-dishonest and then talk about light and love and flowers to others because of wanting  you to see yourself/ portray yourself in such a nice way, which is how a lot of people is currently ‘functioning’ at a mind level. Talking yourself into positivity is certainly Not the way to walk Self Honesty. It is about becoming aware of every judgment that we may create toward something/ someone, and instead of believing that to be ‘actually so,’ we take it back to self and see where and how we are existing as such judgment toward ourselves. This has been one of the key points I’ve learned through Desteni, wherein we take Self Responsibility for everything we do and say because we understand that we cannot ‘affect’ another but ourselves in any way, so this is how walking oneness and equality practically becomes a point that we then ‘keep in mind’ to always take a moment to ‘watch our words’ for the sake of being aware that what we think/ communicate actually support what is best for all, and not only come out as preprogrammed babble that reinforces some type of mental limitation and judgment that has no-place to be here in Self Honesty.

I am able to write about it and see it for what it is, there are no strings attached toward my parents or sisters on this topic as I now understand how this process o projecting blame and one’s frustration and anger onto others was a common thing without the ‘scolded’ one ever knowing that it was never about ‘me’/ ‘them’ but the person themselves. This is how we see things ‘for what they are’ and break the links/ chains that we tend to create the moment we link experiences and hold those experiences as ‘who we are’ without ever questioning them.

Within taking Self Responsibility for each word we think, speak and how we interact toward each others, we are able to stop all the unnecessary conflict that is created when we become just blabbering fools arguing for our own limitations and experiences without realizing that anything we say or do is revealing nothing else but who we have accepted and allowed ourselves to be and become.

Time to stop blaming others or being-lame ourselves for buying into words that do not support who we really are. By breaking that retaliation toward ourselves as our mind and toward others in our world, we will stop the current war we are all living in this world.


%d bloggers like this: