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635. #EqafeDiscovery: From Wanting to Help to Being the Best for Me and Sharing It

 

I was listening to the Eqafe recording  I Just Want to Help – Quantum Systemization – Part 121 and I recognize that this programming is quite ingrained within me and I’ve basically lived out this pattern of wanting to help, wanting to save or fix another person throughout most of my life or since I have memory. The ‘funny’ thing is that I knew it, but I would still do it because I believed that my intent was ‘good’ and therefore “it would not do any harm to the other person to at last – apparently – feel supported by a helping hand.” So the story begins… hehe

I created various – if not most – of my personal relationships from this starting point which of course, led them all to have to cease to exist, because the whole starting point was for me to become their helper, their ‘savior’ and their ‘fixer’ which I then used as an excuse to not solely focus on what was My experience in my relationship to them – meaning, to see and focus on getting to acknowledge what were my reactions, my backchat, my emotions and feelings emerging towards them – and instead I solely focused ‘on them’ and trying to assist them or support them, this is taking on the ‘savior’ mode and attempt to control, manipulate and ‘direct’ them to what I perceived was a better path or a better way of being. The results are varied, mostly ending up in disappointment on my side of course when realizing that I was offering, giving and wanting to change and fix others that were not asking for it, nor were looking at ‘changing themselves’ – it was ‘just my imagination’ lol. Which I don’t judge really, I do have a tendency to see the potential that people can be but there’s a huge step from seeing such potential to living it, and I know for a fact it takes work and it is just futile to try and have someone do this for themselves if there is no intent to do so.

In other cases some were explicitly ‘open’ to be supported, but it became the sole point of the relationship in the sense that, there were no two individuals standing as equals, I always placed myself as the one that considered had to be the ‘helping hand’ towards the other, and this of course also became a very draining situation, which would turn into a suppressed of inner- conflicts that I invariably had to end one way or another. This means, the relationships could not stand this way because its starting point was compromising both of our responsibilities and self-integrity, we were only supporting each others’ personality roles.

So, this audio I shared at the beginning of this blog opens up about a situation where a person wants to help when they have not walked their own process first, and when their sole purpose of interacting with others was to immediately see what they could fix or help them to change because of immediately seeing certain aspects as flaws or problems. I can relate a lot to this approach too. In fact, many times I created my own emotional ‘problems’ in order to kind of understand how to ‘help’ people around me and try to understand their experiences… but it is a fact that I cannot walk ‘all kinds of experiences’ on my own to be able to walk through them and then share about to help others, lol, Nope. That’s where the relevance of walking a process like we do at Desteni comes in, because person walks through specific patterns, ways of doing things, particular situations that may be very common or similar for several ‘kinds of people’ so to speak, and so the support comes when we share about our experiences, how we face them and how we support ourselves to stand up from them or change in them.

This also creates a network of support where perhaps I can see someone is experiencing something and they are asking for support and I see that I would like to support them but, I am learning to see within me if I can relate to their experience and if I don’t, then I provide links to Eqafe recordings to understand that particular pattern or experience, I direct them to some other Destonian blogs that I’ve come across with that may relate to what they are facing, or directly ask them to go to the forum to place it there and see who can relate to that specific situation and share their self-support.

This has been a learning process to me, it’s a bit hard to know when to step in to support and when to let go of this want to ‘give the answers’ if you will as in providing ‘the way’ they can support themselves, or ‘ease’ their pain, suffering or emotional experience. But I’ve seen how this had also become a blinding point for me, because I do have a tendency to focus and worry more about others and in that, it is somewhat easy to leave myself out of the self-support equation. That’s a problem to correct.

What I’m currently working on is in placing ‘me’ first not as a point of selfishness, but in the realization of what has been a lifelong pattern where I tend to worry more about others, to want to save, fix, change and help others out first and not really looking at what am I causing to myself and my own body and life when merely and solely focusing on everything and everyone outside of myself, and neglecting me in it all.

In the end, I’ve come to see how I have projected my own need to support me first upon others and this is also a very common distraction created in our minds, where instead of focusing on ourselves, we project it ‘out there.’ Lol I laugh because this is an ongoing point within me and it even happened quite recently where in an attempt to support or give seemingly ‘good ideas’ to someone facing a particular difficulty in their lives – and I don’t particularly have a close relationship with – it kind of backfired because of trying to ‘help’ someone that is clearly not in such mindset of seeing the relevance of ‘supporting’ themselves first. So an idea I had on ‘how to make things better’ simply became another outlet to reinforce their righteousness about the problem they have created for themselves and recreate a point of blame….

I was talking about this with my partner and one of my friends and realized: Oh-oh, shit,  I’ve done it again, had a seemingly ‘good idea’ and it backfired, because I can’t have good intentions and pretend they will simply work out with someone that is not even willing to look back at themselves as the source of a problem! I learned the lesson. I agree that I have to let go of these good intentions with people that I barely know or actually know are not in such stance where they are ready to take self-responsibility for something or are in the process of wanting to at least do something about it within themselves. Extending a helping hand to someone that is blatantly ‘spewing’ back at you so to speak is not the way, at all, lol. It is the mother-Theresa construct again in me that I need to stop.

It needs to stop here because I do create certain stress within me about such situations where I see someone ‘needs help’ but of course I know I can’t be such ‘changer’ or ‘point of help’ for them. What’s the answer then? Well, lol, my mother just sent me this internet pic about people that are called ‘crazy’ – just like she calls me in a tenderly manner lol – who get concerned with other people’s suffering and want to make things better for everyone, so upholds such hope in the way they live. Well, I am sort of that but there is an equilibrium needed where I just don’t go ‘concerning’ with people’s suffering and make it a concern of my own.  I mean, my body just immediately pointed this out in the situation I described above in saying ‘nope, nope, nope don’t go there again!’ And so it was supportive to share about it with my partner and he pointed out the same ‘Stop trying to help people that are not asking for it’ and that is so. Even if they were only asking for it, it’s not enough if they are not understanding what it entails to live self-support.

It is not an act of selfishness to do this, it is an act of self-love and self-responsibility and applying common sense. I am totally willing to be a point of support for someone that is willing to support themselves and not only ‘willing’ because I’ve also ‘been there and done that’ and it is not enough to have someone say ‘yes I am willing to do this for the best of me’ – but actually LIVE the words with their every word, thought and deed and have their lives be a visible proof of that. This is where I currently am for example in my partnership relationship and I can see the difference of what a ‘hassle’ or a ‘burden’ felt like before when placing myself as ‘the savior’ in my personal relationship and how it is when two people simply join their lives while already living self-support for themselves – even if it is in very different ways or paths – which enables one another to become a point of support for each other whenever we lose ourselves in ‘our ways’ to a point where we no longer are aware of it. But this doesn’t become a ‘dragging’ situation or a burden, it becomes a feedback process that, to me, is one of the most enjoyable parts of a relationship, because we get to create more intimacy that way, seeing ‘deeper’ within each other and getting to know our weaknesses and strengths which is great, but no longer feel like ‘I’ have to ‘sort someone out’ – which was a mistake in any case throughout all the times I lived out this savior-complex in my relationships.

My partner has a way of approaching life and situations in a way in which I wasn’t brought up by my parents, but he was and that’s how he’s come to be the person he is. He didn’t have that constant ‘helping hand’ for him, so he had to build who he is from scratch and I can see how that can be a way to strengthen one’s character as well, because there is no sense of ‘needing help’ really, but simply deciding to do things and getting on it in with whichever tools and ways he had with limited resources. This perspective seems ‘way too tough’ for people that he usually shares this perspective with – including myself – because most of us avoid having to stand up on our own feet or fear having to confront such absolute ‘nothingness’ point to stand up from it and create ourselves from scratch. And this is how this ‘fear’ of having nothing or no one as a ‘helping hand’ also becomes a projection of ‘wanting to help others’ to not ‘feel’ or ‘go through’ what may be at times – if not all times – a necessary part of our process to grow, mature and actually strengthen ourselves. This is to no longer fear existing in such ‘helplessness’ points but see them as the opportunities to start from scratch in self-creation.  

He was telling me the butterfly story while it is in its chrysalis and how one person once saw the incipient butterfly was struggling to get out of the chrysalis, so the human gave a ‘helping hand’ by cutting it and allowing the butterfly to come out… the result? The butterfly died because part of her process was to go through such struggle or difficulty to strengthen herself in order to survive.

I can totally see how I can stifle someone’s personal process of growth and learning to stand up for themselves when attempting to immediately join in and ‘help out’ and try and fix or sort out others’ problems… it’s just not the way.

So, it has really been a constant point for me to continue creating awareness of and I still have to learn to take a step back, get back to my senses out of that ‘itching’ desire to help someone and instead consider the benefits of having them stand on their own two feet and decide to do it by themselves. Otherwise, I become another ‘cane’ they walk with and become dependent ‘on me’ or on anything else to continue walking their life and that is mutual enslavement, mutual dishonor  – I’ve been there and done that and it’s not a happy ending.

Therefore! I have to continue applying what I’ve defined as tough love which I’ve shared about before, which I have applied in the past as well, but only after a long time of wanting to fix someone’s life. I realize I don’t have to get to such point as a last resort, but have it as a starting point. This way I won’t immediately try and jump to ‘help another’ but instead rather see how they do on their own, let them be and see how they are living their own willingness to support themselves. This also implies to completely let go of wanting to save, fix or change ‘the world’ but simply share myself, what I’ve learned, what I’ve walked through and realized about myself without a hidden intent to create such impact that ‘it changes people’  – lol, that’s not really possible, only self-change, self-motivation, self-will can do that – no one can ever ‘be’ or ‘do’ that for you, we always have to do it for ourselves which is great because that’s the essence of self-responsibility and the essence of the principle of what’s best for all. How can one ever be ‘best for all/others’ if one is not ‘best for self’ first?

So I’ll continue assessing these moments when wanting to save, help or fix another’s’ life and take all of these points into consideration, to not be ‘driven’ by wanting to alleviate someone else’s suffering. I personally know how supportive it is to do this for myself, and how that creates an actual experience of strengthening myself in seeing how my own efforts and dedication work and that is what I can then share with others as well, which is what I decide to define as support: to share myself from my own experience without attempting others to ‘follow it to the T’ and ‘change their lives’ with it – it’s like a form of unconditional love, which is a cool thing  to do.  A friend of mine was telling me about this and how he notices that in me, that I am already living this result of what I’ve been applying and as such,  one understands the necessity and importance to share one’s process in ‘getting there’, yet doing so without ‘forcing’ others to do so, it is a form of unconditional sharing and that’s something I’ll continue to do because that’s what satisfies me the most and it’s ‘effortless’ in the sense that I’m not trying to convince anyone anymore, I’m just me, I share me and what I learn in my life for whoever wants to take it in – and that’s simply part of my responsibility of being part of the whole  that has found certain ways that work for me to support me J

Ok thanks for reading! And here are other blogs that I’ve written about similar topics:

520. Self-Accountability and Tough Love

 

552. Who Am I as a Savior?

 

519. From Fear of Speaking up to Doing So

 

502. From Feeling Sorry to Owning our Consequences

 

506. From Despair to a Constructive Aftermath

 

 

Sign up for Eqafe Unlimited to gain access to this recording and thousands more – both in English and Spanish – that will assist in improving your life in a permanent manner. A lifetime investment – or existential investment actually Sonrisa

 

Mantis, Bernard Poolman 

 

Join in if you want to start walking your own process of defining your Self-Honesty

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632.#EqafeDiscovery:Do We Fear Living?

 

During the process of translating Eqafe material to Spanish, I come to rediscover stuff that perhaps I didn’t ‘hear’ the same way that I do now. This is also how even if I have listened to most of the material in there, I keep revisiting it every day and now I get to hear many different things that I didn’t grasp back when they were first published. At times I have also seen how I can be discriminatory in relation to some of the recordings based on the title, believing that ‘it has nothing to do with me’ or that ‘I can’t relate to it’ or that ‘it’s just not of my interest’, but over the years I’ve proven this immediate-mind-response to be just part of the many limitations and distractions that may still come up within me that at times prevent me from expanding myself. So what do I do? If some of these words come up in me? I go for it, I click and listen to it J hehe

When it comes to recordings in Eqafe, a guideline that I suggest for everyone is to listen to all of the stuff there even if it ‘seemingly’ doesn’t relate to you. For example, I could say ‘well I am not a parent therefore, I don’t have to listen to the parenting series’ or if I was single then saying ‘well I don’t have to listen to the relationships series, for I am single’ – but! We truly miss out on very supportive stuff if we go through life only choosing to hear that which we ‘feel resonates more with us’, because I’ve seen how this is mostly resonating yes, to the most prominent personalities I am living out at a certain point in my life. So, that’s why upon listening to it with an open mind and an open heart to see ‘what can I learn from it?’ No matter what the title, topic or series it is coming from, I can guarantee you that if you are really willing to listen, learn and apply something in your life that you get from those recordings, you will surely benefit from it in your life in many noticeable ways.

So one of those interviews that at first I dismissed because of having a ‘blah, I already know that fear of death is the ultimate fear and so what?’ type of thought, was one Life Review called ‘Fear of Death’ – so that’s why I decided to click on it and translate it.  Upon listening to this short yet substantial message from this lady here, I realized how I had been considering this ‘fear of living’ when it comes to a process of healing and so changing in relation to something that I had defined as being ‘my problem’ that is currently ‘holding me back’ in life. I had suddenly gotten to a ‘bottle neck’ in my inner experience where I needed to process things that I was merely shoving aside and not really working – processing them as we say. It’s been worth it as I’ve been sharing in my past blogs, but the obvious point emerged of how once that the main problem ‘in the head’ is being sorted, solved, ‘healed’ if you will and then changes emerge, there’s now the next step of self-creation to take.

I’ve also been reading a book about healing that a friend of mine recommended and I realized how much we tend to get ‘stuck’ in our minds about all the things that are seemingly ‘not working out’ and we focus on all the flaws, and all the fears and I’ve seen for myself how easy it is to build your stance and experience in life around all that garbage that we allow ourselves to think and believe ‘it’s all that we are,’ which then becomes the way that we see our life, the world, others in our lives and…. it’s no wonder at all how we’ve come to create the current reality we are living in, if we have allowed ourselves to play out the worst of us and let that rule our lives every-single-day and every-single-moment of our waking life – and hell at times we even torture ourselves in our dreams, yep.

The process that I have been walking with Desteni, the process I am learning to integrate day by day of becoming more directive within me and my mind, and now more in contact with my body is aided by the material that I get from Eqafe.com, and I also assure you that it might sound like stuff we somehow ‘already knew’ at the depth of our being, but we have somehow forgotten or gotten lost in translation as they say, taken over by the busy-ness of our lives and distractions to the point where we have forgotten that we have IT all, we have and we are all that we need to take those steps to get out of whatever ‘mental hole’ we might find ourselves in.

Sure, at times it might be difficult to go through certain situations or phases in life, all I can say is: reach out, communicate, speak it out loud with someone because I know how ‘blinded’ one can become if one remains in isolation and/or in fear of opening up with someone what one is going through. To me this is an essential aspect and also why Eqafe.com as part of the Desteni group, is not an isolated type of ‘source’ that you just go and listen and that’s it. It involves self-work, it involves practical application and a sharing, a referencing back of how one is supporting oneself to actually change based on the support that we get through the audios/interviews/recordings. For that, there’s the awesome community Destonians.com where you can also join in weekly chats to share, open up whatever you are working with and walking through in your life. A one of a kind community we are for sure.

Back to the topic! When listening to the audio/video called ‘Fear of Death’ I considered that it could be renamed to ‘Fear of Living’ but! of course, at least in my case I could have perhaps ‘jumped the gun’ and say ‘blah! I don’t’ fear living’ but…. The reality is quite different as you actually walk through certain points, like actually getting to overcome certain ‘obstacles’ or ‘difficulties’ or transcend major problems or addictions in life and then what opens up is: the many possibilities in which we can direct our lives, and so the actual possibility to choose, test out and walk through any of the options and dare to actually live, dare to learn to live in a different and new way and continue learning to live because I very much see that this is what I am here for.

So, as much as it might sound ‘off’ that one can ‘fear living,’ this audio will perhaps assist you in realizing WHY that very fear might be existing in you right now and HOW it plays out in seemingly ‘not so important’ moments in our day to day living. It is those small moments where I’ve seen that I can substantiate my life the most, in all those ‘little moments’ that I believed ‘didn’t matter’ because I wasn’t ‘producing’ something or I wasn’t necessarily creating an ‘impact’ on someone else… yet, I see that those moments that I am dedicating to live the best of me, to express me and so focusing on looking at what are the directions, talents, skills and abilities that I would like to now give direction to, there’s like a new opening to life and living that in fact has always been there, I had just sort of used the excuse of a mental-mindfuck (sorry for the language, but that’s what it is) to create a justification of why I had to kind of ‘place my life on hold’ and focus too much on ‘sorting issues out’ and place my self-creation on pause. Now, I don’t judge this as a waste of time or as something bad either, I now see it as part of the things that I had to confront and understand about myself and how I in fact create my experience and my life.

It is now up to me to take the steps to actually stop living in the habit that I gave my energy and breaths to that took me down to a bit of a rabbit hole in my personal experience, to learn from it, to see what I have to self-forgive and so to decide my next steps. Even though I see this direction, it is so that in our minds, the tendency of the ‘old habits’ to live in fear essentially will still come up. I know it is possible to live without the constant ‘fear’ and believe me, I THOUGHT that I was a fearless person…… yep! Well, it’s cool to get humble and realize ‘Nope! I definitely see I was many times acting out of fear!’ so that’s how I’m also glad I got to hear this through the audio so that I can become aware of the ‘little habits’ that have taken me to that inner experience, which sure may come and go, but now I can identify it better, give it a name and so decide in that moment what I decide to live.

So to me this is one simple, simple example of how listening to an Eqafe recording can confirm an entire process that I’ve been walking and how it can assist one even further to ‘take the next steps’ we might be missing out on or not giving the proper attention, relevance and importance they require, which are in fact the building blocks of our self-creation, the actuality of LIVING the best of ourselves, the actuality of BEING the best of ourselves – yes, acknowledging the downfalls, the ‘off’ moments, but somehow this audio assists with realizing what those OFF moments really are and so, be able to grasp it, identify them and so be able to DO something about it.

I’m more than glad I have this awesome source of support, every time I see scientists, psychologists, sociologists or any other person that still have some certain ‘big questions’ such as how was the universe created? what is consciousness in fact? How do animals think or communicate? How do our bodies relate to our minds? Is there life after death? Etc. I kind of go back to my senses in realizing that Eqafe is not yet broadly known in humanity, yet the information is here. So, I can’t even consider where I would be if I wasn’t aware of all of these things already to get the ‘curiosity’ out of my bag around those topics and focus on things that are right ‘here’ for me to work with.

All I can say is be part of this opportunity and take that step forward not only in getting educated about all-things-life and living, but also dare to take the steps to Live and Apply all the practical support that one can gather from every recording, to be the example of what it means to break free from the ‘programming,’ and! With that, assist not only yourself, but the rest of who we are as life to give a continued expansion to this process of self-awareness, to actually be, become and birth life from the physical.

Ok! I leave this one for you then to ponder about J Sign up for the Eqafe Unlimited  Plan which is an incredible offer to have access to this audio I mentioned and more than 4,000 other titles that you can benefit from learning in virtually every aspect of what it means to be a living being in this existence. So, don’t’ wait any longer! Be part of the real evolution that is very much needed in our world.

 

Thanks for reading

 

breathing being

 

Join in if you want to start walking your own process of defining your Self-Honesty


619. Learning From Relationships

 

I listened to three audios on Eqafe that I find essential to listen for everyone, considering how most of us – or so far I’ve only known one person in my life that was not interested in having a relationship – are usually looking for and aiming to ‘find that ONE person’ to establish a relationship with.  Here are the titles: Fear of Missing Out on a Fulfilling Relationship – Fears & Phobias, Using Relationships to Hide From Myself – Life Review, Time Alone Before Time Together – Life Review.

When I listened to the Life Review specifically, I could relate to what the woman shared with regards to the little time spent without and in between relationships and how that affected her in disconnecting from herself, from who she was and how much the constant seeking for a relationship made her dependent on the ‘other’ person to be complete within herself – this might be a bit of a vague description on my side, so I definitely recommend you listen to her story yourself. But! here I’m focusing on sharing what opened up for me as I was listening to her story.

First of all realizing that I have been in such kind of situation where I would end a relationship and start another one right away, not spending time alone to reconsider where I am and who I have been in the relationship –  in terms of what were my lessons learned, points expanded, faults, mistakes, things I can be grateful for etc. – and instead jumping into the next relationship. This is probably one of those weakest points I’ve had throughout my life and one that I have been particularly – secretly – ashamed of because it is obvious that it involves a lack of honesty towards myself within relationships in terms of what I can accept and allow, what I can commit to and how I have disregarded the consequences and the effect that me changing my mind about relationships can have on the partner and people around as well.

I share this because I do consider it vital to apply what the woman shares about her story, to be able to take some time off from relationships in order to ‘get back to oneself’. I’ve done both things and will share my experience in both situations.

There was a time that I’ve recently in my mind judged as very bleak, lonely and fruitless, this happened when I was living in Mexico City and I deliberately decided to learn to be alone – in a rather ‘extreme’ way to be alone I’d say – being then fully aware of my tendency to become dependent on being ‘always there’ for other people, being the kind of partner that lives the life of the partner and has none of her own – I decided to learn to be by myself –that means without relationships – and learn to know what I enjoy doing, learn to be comfortable being alone and doing things alone, going out shopping, to the movies, living on my own. Yes, maybe I took it to the extreme in terms of the lack of interaction I had with other people – including family and friends – but that’s something I am also now learning to do in terms of not being too extreme in the way that I decide to change things. So, in a nutshell, I call it my monkish period, and as much as in my mind I’ve judged it as a generally ‘bleak’ time, when I recently looked deeper into it to not resent my choices at that time, I see that such years were dedicated to live ‘me’, to know me better, to learn to be alone, to learn to do things that I decide to do – not that someone else ‘takes me’ to do – and there was a sense of independence formed that I would not trade off or change, because it assisted me to see where and how I compromised myself many times for the sake of being in a relationship and existing in fear of ‘losing’ something that I now know was not best for me, was constantly emotional, troublesome and detrimental to my expression and my living.

Then I got to a point where I decided I could establish a relationship again and I did, again looking back not having the best starting point because it did come from having formed an experience of alones at the time, but I tried to make it work nonetheless. I had settled in one relationship believing I could change the person, conforming in certain ways to make it work and taking the compromise lightly to say the least, not fully being aware of the commitment that I was making at the time and the challenges it represented. But I wanted to make it work for both of us, which didn’t happen. At least I proved to myself that I could fully and absolutely commit to another and still see that even if I am doing all that I can to assist and be ‘there’ for another, it takes two to tango to stand on the same page. I broke that relationship even if there were legal formalities formed with it.

After that, I had a few months to yes go through the sorrow, pain and ‘disconnection’ process from that relationship but I did decide to enter a new relationship after that; though fortunately enough did still have the opportunity to be alone and process through all of the things that I had accepted and allowed – created – in the previous relationship. But still, I do consider that I went ahead too fast and without much consideration of the implication of making such decisions not only for myself, but for the other person as well. This year I repeated the same, because of not having had that needed time to ground myself around relationships and one thing I can tell is that unless one has an understanding partner that has full awareness of the previous relationship patterns, it can be a disaster recipe to go jumping from one relationship to another.

I was in a way fortunate that my partner was understanding of it all, not that he approves of what I’ve done and my relationship habits, but again, he is aware and he made a decision to stand with me anyways and understood that I had things to process from my previous relationships at the same time as starting a new one. The thing that I want to share is how it’s not a bright idea to not give oneself time to be alone after a relationship ends, it can lead to not fully considering things in terms of what one is able to commit to and the effect it may have by making a decision without proper time for reflection, for personal assessment of the mistakes, the things allowed, the points that one needs to self-forgive and work through, because it does ‘filter’ or ‘spill through’ to the new relationship and it may lead to ruin if one does not handle the situation with proper sense of responsibility and communicating about it and again, having a partner that can understand and not take it personally either.

So from my recent experience, this kind of situation led to a great amount of stress that I became unaware of – apparently – and I became sick or having certain health issues almost on a regular basis for the past months. This can also be a narrow perspective on my health situation, but this is what I’ve concluded recently, that I put myself under a lot of stress because of the decisions I made in relation to relationships, where not being honest with myself and towards others led me to compromise myself and that became an ingredient to constantly be thinking of guilt, burdening myself with the ‘wrong doings’ while at the same time starting a new relationship and opening up all the potentials that this entails. It’s not a great thing to walk an ending and a beginning simultaneously – point learned.

I would not be able to share this from a clearer view currently if it wasn’t for the process that I did to self-forgive myself for my decisions, my actions and mistakes,  my short-sights and also forgiving myself for the damage caused to others by my lack of consideration or selfishness that this kind of situations entail. However, I also understood that there’s no point in continuing to flagellate myself emotionally, all that I can do is learn from it and know that I cannot repeat this kind of behavior again in my life, or I’d be simply falling again into my old patterns that I’ve worked on already. I did judge myself because of wanting to ‘make things right’ and ‘work through it’ and in a way being in disbelief that I could have managed to ‘repeat myself’ in patterns that I thought I had changed over the ‘monkish’ phase of being alone and without relationships – but, as I now know, I cannot be sure that something is entirely ‘clear’ and ‘transcended’ within me at all, it always takes a daily – constant – decision to act in the way that is right, that is supportive, that is considering consequences, that is responsible and self-honest for myself and for others that I have an effect on.

Currently I assess my situation on a constant basis when it comes to my relationship, because it has enabled me to see where I could be compromising myself or constructively compare how I have now seen that I was compromising myself before when trying to ‘be’ something for someone else in a relationship.  When I decided to be in this relationship, I did take the time to consider who I wanted to be in it and what would be of myself IF the relationship simply doesn’t work, knowing I could stand on my own two feet as well. So, I might have taken a ‘big risk’ considering  the rushed and somewhat risky decision making processes I’ve taken in the past without much ‘thought’ into my relationships, but this time I did make sure to entirely be ‘me’ making the decision and fully taking the responsibility for what I decide to make of it. 

I did take the time to assess the person, even if it was a relative short amount of time of doing this, there were characteristics that stood out for me enough to consider how this could work through, which included sharing with him the process I’ve walked with relationships, the weaknesses, the mistakes I’ve made, the dishonesties, the repetitive patterns I’ve had and that I still have such points to work through for me, to reestablish my self-trust in relationships – with all the past disclosed – and this is now where I can prove to myself that I can stand in an equal manner in loyalty, honor, respect and integrity that such person has given to himself throughout his life, which I am currently learning a lot from as well.

It is not my position to share his views here, but in a way I do want to do it, because he’s that person I mentioned at the beginning that has been known by everyone – and himself – to not desire a relationship or ‘lust’ over women at all. Everyone had always asked him when he would have a relationship and he always said that wasn’t something he was looking for, explicitly not interested on because he knew himself as a different kind of person that would find it hard to find a woman that could ‘stand’ through his ways of living life and the principles he has. He just wanted to work and focus on bettering his life. Well, that kind of approach led him to learn to live and be for himself the best that he can be. He is probably one of the few people I know that loves himself and regards himself as a self-made man that wasn’t always dedicated and hardworking to get to be who he is now, but made a decision to step out of the shadows and strive to do what he was told was ‘impossible’ for him to achieve. That sort of strength made him aware of his capacity and potential, which is part of the characteristics that I saw made him a ‘whole’ man already, not really looking or searching or being ‘needy’ for anything or anyone to ‘complete’ him or make him feel ‘better’ about himself.

This is how he considers that most people should not constantly go jumping from one relationship to another, but be able to be alone even for the rest of their lives if necessary, because they are not yet the best for and towards themselves. This view is perceived as too ‘extreme’ by his friends, but I’ve come to understand his point based on what he has lived and what I have lived and the consequences I’ve faced because of having held this constant belief that ‘I need to be in a relationship’ and the outflow this has. I’m not saying that this is how it’s supposed to be, but simply different ways to approach the relationships. Mine was more ‘trial and error’ and yes causing consequences for me and for others, his was more of a holistic approach of deciding to be in a relationship if and when the right person would exist for that.

Of course, he is now in a relationship and that may seem contradictory for many, but he explains how this is the first relationship he’s ever had – and took it to the level of absolute commitment and responsibility, which has led him to explore and open up many more ways of enjoyment in life, more than the ones that he already had been living on his own. I don’t want to sound like I’m praising him, but I do want to share  this because I’ve noticed how many strengths are built through deciding to be ‘the best for you’, to learn to be a man – or a woman – for oneself first, to learn to love, care, be the joy of our own lives instead of expecting something or someone to come and ‘save us’ or ‘fulfill’ our lives in one way or another. So, his usual perspective or ‘advice’ to anyone is to learn to be alone and learn to be ok with themselves, letting go of the notion of needing a relationship – and even better, to not participate or create a habit in desiring sex or porn or that sort of mental-masturbation in relation to women – or the opposite sex – at all, which leads to a genuine discovery of physical expression in a relationship, probably something that most people ‘seek out’ through mind stimulation and my take is that this pollutes or ‘disconnects’ us from the ‘hereness’, the physical development of actual touch and clear-mindedness so to speak required in a developing a physical relationship. This is not only related to sexual expression, but also in relation to fully focusing on being with the one person you decide to be with and not entertaining any thoughts, ideas, beliefs or glances at something or ‘someone else out there’ that ‘could be better’ than the relationship one has decided to be in.

What I’ve gathered from my time with him is how it truly takes that sort of diligence to honor and respect oneself and not exist solely for the idea of a ‘relationship’ as something to ‘get to’ or ‘find’ as an absolute goal in one’s life. It seems that as one focuses and works on fulfilling oneself and becoming that person that one enjoys looking at in the mirror – and not only for appearance level – but for the person one shapes of oneself – then one simply aligns with people that are on that same ‘track’ so to speak in their life, and that’s how you meet and realize that it is something that can work as a betterment platform for both, which was my approach as well when deciding to establish this relationship. We both agreed that this was going to be a relationship of two fulfilled individuals walking together, me knowing that if I decide to no longer be in the relationship, he’s not going to be ‘needing’ me as such, but will continue his life and endeavors as usual and vice versa – communication and understanding and assessment at any time.  The relative ease with which this agreement-  as he also called it – was able to be established is simply because of seeing the affinity in our ways of thinking and living and our principles and the way of living as well as our aims in life. I am fully aware some of my views are not that ‘popular’ with regular people, because they may sound too ‘out there’ or ‘difficult to achieve’- but not for him.  Then it is simply like two notes resonating at the same level that consider they can join in and create a harmony that will better the sound in each other’s life – and that’s what it currently is and has been.

There are so many more things that I’ve been learning about myself in relation to him in that have opened my eyes to see what kind of limitations I was making ‘ok’ within previous relationships, where and how I was not being honest with myself and rather molding or making myself ‘comfortable ‘about things that I wasn’t entirely willing to live with, but made it all ‘ok’ because of the idea that no one can be perfect and that I would always have to kind of ‘struggle’ in a relationship – now I know it doesn’t have to be this way. And I’m not saying this is currently perfect, but now I know that there can be people that can be at that same level of self-awareness and self will to live a different life than most people, which is what I’m here to do in this world, to continue cutting through the mold and not limit my expression, my ‘wacky’ way of being that I have come to re-ignite and rediscover within myself, something that makes me enjoy life more and something that I had judged as ‘not fit’ for everyone’s taste and so believing I had to be more ‘accommodating’ for others. In a nutshell, I’ve come to be aware of self-compromise, which is also one  tendency I’ve had in relationships where I kind of sink into the background and mold myself to fit into the idea of who I believe the other person wants me to be – even if this is most of the times my own projection.

The bottom line is that even if one can make ‘mistakes’ in relationships, the point is to always learn more about oneself, to use each opportunity one has to share one’s life and expression with another to learn more about who we are with each person, and yes unfortunately at times getting to also know the ‘darker’ aspects of ourselves – not to be turned into something necessarily bad or evil – simply recognizing that there are things that may be subtle at first but eventually build up or accumulate to compromise, to diminish ourselves even in the most ‘unnoticeable’ ways and I say ‘unfortunately’ – yet at the same time, I would not have known otherwise if I had not made mistakes and learned to see where I truly want to be in terms of standing in a relationship with someone else, first of all checking – on a constant basis – not to limit, diminish or compromise me in order to ‘be’ in a relationship as a need point.

So, having said this, I now realize that as painful, troublesome and consequential it is, mistakes allow us to also see the paths that we don’t want to follow through. Sure, it’s best when we can identify this earlier on and not have situations escalate and have more consequential breakups, but I now see that this is something quite specific for me to face based on the life that I had lived before I started this process with Desteni, my ‘processing’ done in that alone time and how I do realize how easy it is to slip back into old programming if not fully considering one’s actions and acting again on a ‘whim’ so to speak, making decisions without giving myself time to know first of all where I stand and then where I would want to stand in relation to someone else.

Based on my experience and the example I shared about my partner and how he led his life, I see that the best thing one can do is to give oneself time to learn to BE for oneself, to learn to truly love and appreciate yourself first, to be that one person that you can enjoy living with so that no matter who you join your life with – or not at all – you continue being whole and complete by yourself, so that 1+1 equals 2 instead of being existing as a half that seeks another half to create a codependent relationship that most likely ends up in compromise, diminishment and harm towards one another.

A relationship is a platform of support to become a better person, to grow, to learn from each other, to communicate openly without holding back or secrets, to express openly, to test and try new ways of living and expressing without judgment, to walk through disagreements and challenges with understanding – but! to do all of these great things takes a lot of self-work first, otherwise we base our entire ‘wellbeing’ on another person ‘all of this’ for us, and that’s where the fuckup usually is. So! Self first, always, then the rest of the people or situations that may come into our live become opportunities of expansion, a complement that can be beneficial not only for the people in the relationship but also for those that surround the relationship and for whatever is created within the relationship, which becomes an example of what a supportive relationship can be in a world where most exist in consequences and conflict – my personal view and experience here.

Ok so that’s it, again, listen to the Eqafe recordings, they are a great eye opener to understand more of what I shared here as my ups and downs, my faults, my points to learn and correct through relationships.

Can also learn to do this through the Relationship Course in Desteni which assisted me to ground many of the foundations that I now realize have to be lived in a very disciplined way of establishing self-honesty within self, otherwise they become nice principles on paper only – as always, the key is to live it and REALLY stick to Doing it.

Thanks for reading

 

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