Tag Archives: escapism

269.The Inner-Hell creates the Outer-Hell

 

The pattern unfolds the following way: one faces a point wherein Self Responsibility was neglected, wherein we didn’t measure the consequences of our thoughts, words and deeds and as such ‘all hell breaks lose’ within ourselves, because then we are faced with consequence, and we realize there is No way out from it this timeright?

Continuing from:

220. Drug Culture: Mad Society as a Lifestyle

Fear Dimension:

I will have to face the ugly truth of myself/ what I have become

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to face myself as the point of neglect that I allowed to develop and exist due to my own irresponsibility toward myself as my thinking processes that lead to a physical consequence wherein now there are manifested consequences that I realize I have to face and as such

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to endure the consequences and become fearful of facing my reality, without realizing that all the time I had the ability to take responsibility for myself, my words, thoughts and actions – but I didn’t – thus, I realize that fear is a convenient self-experience to victimize myself toward that which I have created without self-awareness – which means that

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use Fear as a way to cover up the fact that I neglected my own responsibility toward myself as my thoughts, my actions, my relationships, my own physical body and within this I have deliberately made myself ‘fearful’ to not see and face the reality that I’ve become, which is every single thought, every single word, every single relationship toward others and myself that have now caused a consequential outflow that has damaged myself and others, just because I had not considered what actually caring for myself in fact means.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equally be fearful to face and confront the reality that this world has become, without realizing that this world is the collective accumulation of all individual neglect that I am actually participating and existing as myself – which implies that I cannot blame ‘the state of the world’ for how I experience myself, as I am the one that has decided how to experience myself through and as thoughts, feelings and emotions, never ever realizing that these are the mind-mechanisms wherein we eventually only get ‘drowned’ in our own self-experience and neglect the actual physical reality that is being constantly abused for us to maintain our personal heavens and inner hells, just because we haven’t realized the level of self-destruction that who we are as the mind has become upon this physical reality, which is what we really are/what should be a point of stability for all to actually live.

 

Thought Dimension:

Just vanishing, everything disappearing, me being doing nothing at all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when facing the consequence of my actions/ inaction and neglect toward my self responsibility, resort to a momentary thought of just wanting it all to end, just vanish and not think and experience anything, which is the pattern of wanting to avoid realizing that: nothing and no one has created such ‘unbearable self experience’ within me other than myself through constantly and continuously only having sought to ‘feel good’ and avoid taking responsibility toward myself and my world – this implies that

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to and desire to escape the mind as all the inner-hell/ turmoil that I have created within myself, without realizing that such inner-hell is in fact only created by the same mind that I have blindly participated in as constant thoughts, internal conversations/ backchat, reactions, judgments, emotions and feelings that exist as the energetic system that I have given attention to, which has now become ‘who I am’ and a such, out of my self-directive principle because of not having realized that Who I Am is the stability of the physical body, and that all the inner turmoil is indicating a point that I am not taking self responsibility for, a point that I have separated myself from and must investigate – but instead, allowed the inner-hell/ turmoil to become ‘who I am’ until it became unbearable that I did Not direct myself toward a solution and allowed myself to be overwhelmed by the consequence, which has now lead me to want to ‘vanish’ and just ‘scape’ through ‘plugging myself out’ through any means such as any substance, activity or person that I have defined as a ‘feel good’ experience, without realizing that in seeking for ‘feeling good’ again, I am only compounding the consequence of the neglect of sorting out that which ‘made me feel bad’ in the first place, which is myself and my own disregard to take actions to align and correct my life in order to function as what’s best for myself/ all equally.

 

Backchat/ Internal Conversations:

– I rather just give up, there is no point in solving that

– It’s done and I fucked up

– I knew this would lead nowhere

– I just want to make it all stop

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use thoughts in order to justify my irresponsibility toward myself and my reality with words like ‘I rather just give it all up, there is no point in solving that’ wherein I have believed that ‘giving up’ is an option I can take and that any point of solution is ‘pointless’ due to me having delegated the responsibility toward myself / my world toward ‘others changing first’ and as such, have used the ‘state of the world’ as a reason, excuse and justification to not take responsibility for myself and create an entire mind-possession of apathy/ depression/ sadness and despair that leads toward a ‘giving up’ self-experience, without realizing how it is in this very experience that we give Into the mind of self-interest, wherein I only then care about ‘How I Feel’ / ‘How I am Experiencing Myself as My Mind,’ wherein one then seeks to ‘feel better’ by using/ consuming/ doing something that will take me to the ‘positive experience again,’ which is how I have neglected to take Self Responsibility at all times, because of having always only been concerned about ‘How I Feel,’ regardless of who and what I am abusing within this.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use self-judgment as ‘It’s done and I fucked up’ which is a recurrent patter whenever I actually seek a form of companion and condescendence for my own created misery and neglect, which is just another form of using words to abuse myself and others in order to cover up and justify my lack of self-direction when it comes to taking responsibility for every single word, self-experience that I have within me – within this realizing that such words as ‘It’s done and I fucked up’ lead to a ‘no remedy’ situation wherein one leads oneself to the ‘bottom of the pit’ which is just another form of self-victimization to not have to face the reality and consequences that I have manifested and participated in equally.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the words ‘I know this would lead me nowhere’ wherein the fact of Knowing as a conscious awareness of the potential damage/consequences created by myself were deliberately ignored due to me having always sought to feel good/ feel at ease/ do the least effort which amounts onto a series of points neglected/ avoided/ deliberately not looked at/ investigated such as my own thinking patterns that I have fed and created into this ‘unbearable self-experience’ of which I seek to escape from through wanting to ‘give up’ on myself/ life and everything, without realizing that who we are as the physical body does not give up on self until death, and that it is only through a mind possession that we can be seeking to ‘give up’ which indicates that it is who we are/ have become as the mind that is the first point of self-awareness that we must develop and consider in order to prevent these forms of mind-possession to take place.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the backchat ‘I just want to make it all stop’ wherein the clear self-experience is that of victimization wherein I deliberately seek to ‘stop’ the consequences that I have participated in creating and manifesting every time that I accepted and allowed myself to follow my thoughts, my desires, wants and needs that would not consider first doing/ acting and directing that which ensures my physical stability and stable-sound relationships toward others and myself, my environment – and within this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realizing that within this ‘I want to make it all just stop’ I am only existing as this selfish-decision that is not considering in fact ALL as myself as an actual living organism that I am reducing to a problem in my mind, which I then seek to ‘stop’ and ‘get rid of it’ without having taken a moment to look at myself, my words, thoughts, internal conversations, emotions and feelings that have lead me to create the physical consequences that I am now facing as myself.

I realize that this consequence that we have become is often sought to be avoided and shoved aside, which is what leads us to immediately seek to ‘feel good’ again, to ‘make it up’ for ourselves again, which is unacceptable since it is in fact those same ‘feel good’ self experiences that have lead us to neglect ourselves as physical beings, this world and all the actual living species that are enabling our ‘lives’ to continue, which means that: without the physical support of the Earth in itself, my ‘inner-hell’ would not be able to be fed and I would not exist – which implies that we are constantly abusing ourselves every time that we rather give into this mind possession of ‘not feeling alright’ and ‘wanting to escape’ instead of actually looking at the responsibility that we all hold toward this current world-wide/ global state of crisis that is clearly generated by all of us collectively and as such

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to see how ‘how I feel’ and ‘who I am’ as the mind, as what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become is defining and co-creating the world outside of ourselves, which is not really separate from how I experience myself in the ‘inside’ as the expression of abuse that I have become as the mind is the current creative force and maintenance of the abusive status quo in the ‘outer-world’ as the current ‘outer-hell’ we have become as humanity within this world, abusing it in order to fuel our mind possessions, which is unacceptable.

Imagination:

Negative imagination: having to spend a long time solving the problem/ situation

Positive imagination: numbing myself out any form of drug/ stimulant/ activity/ inactivity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my mind and imagination to extrapolate the problem/ situation I am facing as a ‘worst case scenario’ such as having to spend a long time and having to implement a lot of effort to solve the problem/ create a solution to what I have done and become, without realizing that in this process of imagination, I am constructing just another reason and excuse to not move myself, not face my consequence and instead, become deliberately negligent toward myself and my reality, seeking for a ‘quick fix’ to sort it all out, which is usually through using and consuming something that will take me to this positive self experience – therefore

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to after I have participated in the negative imagination of all the possible outcomes of having to create solutions to the problems I have created and manifested within myself and my reality equally, I veer toward the ‘positive imagination’ such as wanting to immediately feel good again, wanting to consume and experience something that I have defined as ‘good’ and ‘positive’ which is mostly created through any form of drug, stimulant, activity or inactivity as well as relationships that I have used in my world in order to further ‘numb myself down’ and not face my reality and the consequences I am running away from, which is quite pointless and a waste of time if I realize that there is no actual way to ‘run away from myself’ in my imagination, as eventually we all have to face our reality and what we have become.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my memories and imaginations as a way to program within myself an immediate way to ‘make myself feel better’ by going from the negative outcome to the positive outcome that I then seek to live-out as my reality, creating further consequences of evading my responsibility instead of actually stopping all participation in the same evasive behavior, place the cards on the table so to speak and ground myself as the physical to start looking at solutions instead of seeking further ways to ‘run away’ from it.

 

Reactions:

-Dread, dullness, apathy, wanting to give up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a negative self-experience as emotions of dread, dullness, apathy as a general ‘wanting to give up’ self experience that I haven’t seen and realized represent the most common form of self-manipulation and excuse to not have to face oneself and the consequences created by my own negligence and deliberate unawareness, which means that, I have accepted and allowed myself to become subject to my own mind to define ‘who I am’ according to the conditions suiting my desires or not – and if not, I then use all forms of thoughts, internal conversations and imaginations to lead myself to embody this ‘giving up’ self experience, which I then believe is who I am, without realizing that is is only a mind-entity as all words, thoughts, imaginations, memories as patterns that I have diminished myself to be and become, without realizing I am in fact giving my breath/ my power away to fuel these self-destructive self-experiences without creating a solution to actually align/ correct the point I am becoming emotional about – within this

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize how any emotional experience is a deliberate self-manipulation and distraction to not have to face who I am and what I have become as the mind that I have believed is ‘everything that I am,’ constantly seeking to feel good/ be at peace in order to not face the inherent self-experience of being unfulfilled, unsatisfied, not good enough, never getting anything right, never succeeding, looking at the world as one big fuckup and allow all of these thoughts to become a self-experience that in no way are in fact contributing to my own well being and as such are no solution to the collective well being.

I realize that we have always resorted to complain about ‘how we feel/ how we see the world’ but in no way do we even conceive that it is ourselves only that have created this imbalance within and without in our reality, and that the actual beings that are suffering and having to endure the consequences of our mind-possessed decisions in life, are all the animals, plants, environment that we literally consume and abuse to constantly seek a ‘feel good’ point at a mind level, without being aware of the physical abuse and depletion and destruction that takes place within our body as our own physical flesh and without as the Earth’s resources that we literally burn up to generate Energy to ‘feel good.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Justify my experience as this reaction of ‘giving up’ and being in this emotional turmoil without realizing that in being and becoming so, I am Not supporting anyone in this reality at all, I am only supporting further self-abuse of myself and everyone else in this world, as I realize that whatever I accept and allow within myself is not an ‘isolated problem,’ but it is part of that which co-creates everyone’s self-experience as well, because the moment that we are ‘not alright’ within ourselves, all our relationships toward other beings in our world will also not be alright and as such, the entire world is woven and created and stemming from our own relationships that we have neglected toward ourselves first as our own mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to go into a positive experience whenever I am ‘down’ which is my self-created victimization state and within such mind-possession, seek to ‘feel good’ and ‘feel better’ through wanting to simply give-up about everything in my reality, wanting everything to just ‘disappear’ which is an apparent easy way out to ourselves and the consequences created, without realizing that I am the only one that has created such ‘unpleasant experience’ due to the relationship toward myself as my mind, my physical body and every other living being that I coexist with, which has never been considered in equality and self support.

 

Physical Dimension:

– Yawning, wanting to sleep, slouching, heavy eyes, tiredness

– Doing something compulsively like pulling out  my hair or cleaning something, going out to ‘get something’ that I don’t precisely need

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to yawn and ‘want to sleep’ whenever I am facing a point of consequence and as such, want to evade having to go through the actual process of self responsibility toward myself and my world

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to slouch and have a general self-experience of being ‘weak’ and ‘tired’ which I have accepted as an actual self-experience, without realizing that this is only the externalization of the thoughts and emotions that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become – which implies abusing my physical body and its stability, deliberately manipulating myself to ‘feel bad’ in order to justify further evasion of my responsibilities in my reality, which is unacceptable since it is a physical-self manipulation that is only supporting who I am as the mind and not who I really am and what I am willing to accept and allow of myself as the physical body that is actually Unconditional in its expression as long as I feed myself properly and breathe and exercise and relate to my physical environment in a common sensical manner = considering what is best for myself and all equally.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a general heaviness in my body when having to confront the consequences that I have become as the outflow of my participation in the mind, wherein having heavy eyes becomes the ‘way that I see’ the world and everything, which is then an indication that I am becoming and embodying a mind possession to not SEE the reality of myself and what I have become, but instead seek further excuses and justifications to escape and evade my reality as a general ‘I am not feeling well’ which is obviously the consequence of who I am as the mind upon my physical body – which is the point of self responsibility to align here.

Consequences:

– Wasting time, having to catch up while I regain my stability, missing out great opportunities of self-change due to giving into the energetic experience of ‘I’m doomed/I’m fucked/ I lost’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience that the consequences are just ‘too great’ and ‘too vast’ to face as what I am as my mind, what I’ve imposed onto my physical body and as such extend such consequence to my physical reality as this world, wherein every problem that we see is the result of us not living-as physical beings that consider at all times what’s best for all, but have become mind-possessed bodies that only seek to generate good feelings, positive experiences at the expense of the world we consume, exploit and destroy in order to generate our personal heavens.

 

I realize that every single moment that I face consequence, it is not a point for me to become sad, go into self pity and self destructive behavior about it but instead use the opportunity to face, correct and align the relationship that I have neglected that has caused a physical consequence within me and my world – this is thus the pattern to  become aware of at all times: seeing this world and all its ‘flaws’ and ‘problems’ not as an indication only of ‘how fucked we all are’ and sink into depression, but instead make a deliberate physical decision to no longer be willing to accept and allow ourselves to be subsumed by self destructive and evasive behavior, because this would only pile up into the already piled-up mess that we’ve created in this world – we are here to stop and make a declaration of who we are willing to be and live as, which is the decision that won’t make us ‘feel good’ such as the rush experienced with any drug as a positive experience , but will generate physical, stable and sound solutions to generate an actual wellbeing for all living beings, where I am certain, no more addictions and self destruction will be sought, since we will all be equally aware of giving and doing what’s best for all in the realization of who we really are as Equals.

 

Self-Commitment Statements to come  –

Further support:

 

 

DSC06433

 

 

Face Thy Demons – Great Support here:


268. Escaping from the Inner-Hell

 

The pattern unfolds the following way: one faces a point wherein Self Responsibility was neglected, wherein we didn’t measure the consequences of our thoughts, words and deeds and as such ‘all hell breaks lose’ within ourselves, because then we are faced with consequence, and we realize there is No way out from it this timeright?

And in this second guessing of having to inevitably face the point which implies realizing the neglected responsibility and walk a process of writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application, one decides that there is a ‘better way’/ alternative way to ‘cope’ with it – and that’s where some action and process to evade the consequence emerge: anything that can become a point to occupy our mind with, anything that can give us a sense of satisfaction, a feel good experience, a momentary resort, a reward after having to face such consequences – one seeks to immediately want to ‘get lost’ from it all for a moment, to just drop it all, leave everything and disappear.

 

Yes this is a mind pattern that leads to addiction – why? because the momentary high to evade responsibility becomes such that we would rather just remain in that ‘comfortable numbness’ wherein one is literally doing nothing other than finding various ways to avoid having to face the consequences, walk the correction and ‘face the music’ as they say. Once one is down to Earth from such temporary high, one seek for something else… and so it becomes quite a straining pattern because the more we resist to face the consequence, the more the guilt, remorse, shame, regret, fears, judgments, backchats accumulate, until we feed the entity so much that it becomes quite unbearable to handle, it is ‘alive’ in itself, because we have essentially fed it through our own participation in thoughts, emotions, feelings, actions/ inactions to not face the point. This is when we believe that it is simply ‘too late,’ we are doomed and essentially give up whatever we were doing, which is quite a pattern that we all go into: we hide in our caves instead of actually facing it, creating solutions and sorting out the point.

220. Drug Culture: Mad Society as a Lifestyle

If one is not self honest, this pattern turns into self-victimization and you end up blaming the world, parents, teachers, government, society, ‘the world’ and ‘how fucked everything is’ for our experience – but, what we haven’t realized is that it’s not about anyone or anything else but ourselves, really. We have seen how the environment and the lack of equal support Does contribute to addictive behaviors – however in the end, the ultimate say comes from ourselves: we are the ones that decide to either stand up or remain in such self-destructive behavior, which is essentially destroying ourselves due to fearing facing our own irresponsibility and negligence and actually place the cards on the table to see how we caused the problem and as such, how to walk the solution.

 

Within victimization, blame, regret, pity and a deliberate desire to ‘let go of the bad/ negative/ evil/ malevolent’ that we have fed within ourselves due to having neglected ourselves/ our reality,  we turn to love and become masters of light, consciousness and a so-called spirituality, we try and cover up our actual inner-demons to hide the actual reality that we realize exists within ourselves, but didn’t dare to face, and as such, hide in the opposite side behind positive thinking, love, spirituality, blessings and a general imagination that leads to this comforting fluffy paradise after death, wherein one rejoices in these custom-made heavens in order to ‘soften the blow’ of having to remain and keep living on this Earth, which is apparently and seemingly easier than actually being willing to see the truth of ourselves, and take responsibility for it, which certainly won’t be nice and pretty – however, it must be done no matter what.

The other option is completely going to absolute self-doom and gloom where we see no way out other than self-destructing, and that’s where drugs, alcohol and various other forms of self harm emerge – we can also have a mix of being a nice positive thinker and be addicted to some drug to enhance the experience, a positive mr. self destruct with new age backchat of ‘everything will be just fine’ while lighting up the next joint. You get the picture.

 

In all of this, we are only feeding more energy to that which we avoid looking at/ facing as ourselves. This ‘escapism’ becomes quite a difficult thing to do for a long time when one has already made the firm decision  to not fool oneself any longer and take responsibility for anything we face. This also implies that the nagging thought of Knowing that we are evading ourselves is simply unbearable, because we Know we cannot deceive ourselves. We complain about the world being one big Lie yet we still deceive ourselves by giving breath and time to that which we already Know is not supportive. That is not congruent and when one has decided to become an actual living being, there is no way other than facing the points, walking the solutions – the agony can only be prolonged for as long as one is willing to agonize through the constant thinking, waiting, hoping, tormenting ourselves and talking back and forth about ‘everything that is wrong’ and create our own storm in a glass of water. A general suggestion is to realize that waiting and hoping for something to clear our consequence is futile, hiding from it is futile, prolonging the confrontation only prolongs the unnecessary suffering – so, why not facing it right away?

 

Fear Dimension:

I will have to face the ugly truth of myself

 

Thought Dimension:

Just vanishing, everything disappearing, me being doing nothing at all

 

Backchat/ Internal Conversations:

– I rather just give up, there is no point in solving that

– It’s done and I fucked up

– I knew this would lead nowhere

– I just want to make it all stop

 

Imagination:

Negative imagination: having to spend a long time solving the problem/ situation

Positive imagination: numbing myself out any form of drug/ stimulant/ activity/ inactivity

 

Reactions:

-Dread, dullness, apathy, wanting to give up

 

Physical Dimension:

– Yawning, wanting to sleep, slouching, heavy eyes, tiredness

– Doing something compulsively like pulling out  my hair or cleaning something, going out to ‘get something’ that I don’t precisely need

 

Consequences:

– Wasting time, having to catch up while I regain my stability, missing out great opportunities of self-change due to giving into the energetic experience of ‘I’m doomed/I’m fucked/ I lost’

 

 

Next post we’ll walk these dimensions with Self Forgiveness, Self Corrective Statements and Self Commitments.

Further support:

DSC00352 (1)

Blogs:

 

Face Thy Demons – Great Support here:

2013 – The Future of Consciousness – When Thoughts intend Harm to another (Part 1) – Part 3
2013 – The Future of Consciousness – When Thoughts intend Harm to another (Part 2) – Part 4

 

And to understand how we ‘fall’ in our own doom from the greatest innate self-experiences lived as children:

Why your Weakest Points are your Greatest strength – Life Review

220. Drug Culture: Mad Society as a Lifestyle

Perfect Elitist Enslavement with a belief of Freedom.

A branch of the Elitist Character is being able to form/ mold/ shape your ‘personality’ with traits of Your Choice – lol – which is the choice that money is able to spare when you have your life essentially ‘solved’ to not be begging for money on the streets or working and actually ‘earning your money.’  I’m going to be writing about what came to be a mix of an elitist-intellectual-revolutionary/antagonist/libertine character that was mostly sought to be ‘lived’ within my life through and as this kind of fascination to become ‘acculturated’ in the drug scene. Yes, in common sense, a person that is barely able to make money to live cannot possibly suddenly be trying to be fascinated by the effects that chemicals create inside your body, trying to reach some form of bliss/ enlightenment with particular substances, read books and information about it, watch movies on the topic or just hold on a continuous habit of indulging in them, which obviously requires one to have More money than the required to Live in order to pay for pills/ drugs to make You Happy. This is depicted quite well in a book by Brett Easton Ellis Less than Zero.

 

I went to the supermarket yesterday and noticed three guys being quite excited about getting a bottle of Jack Daniels while overhearing one of them saying ‘this place should be run by someone like my dad,’ complaining about the ‘slowness’ of the service to get the bottle, which was barely a 3 minute wait. I could imagine/project or almost predict their entire evening with a bottle of Jack Daniels, most likely ending up puking it out on the toilet, feeling like shit the next day and going with a massive hangover to their top-elitist university nearby. Yes, this is a ubiquitous pattern nowadays, a ‘lifestyle,’  and no it is not criticizing or judging it, this is what we have become: once you have money to cover your basic needs, You SEEK for something more than surviving – because that is already covered.

 

So this is an aspect of the elitist character, because there are many other conditions that lead to drug consumption, which is also the opposite polarity of poverty, which you can read her Huffing makes me Forget My Tummy Aches” based on the street kids that sniff cement or glue in order to mitigate hunger – as well as the toxic paint Romanian kids would sniff in that documentary that I also recommend watching if you haven’ Children Underground. That’s another point to walk in itself, but what I’ll share is from the perspective/ side I got to live in and be most ‘acquainted’ with – so to speak.

 

Drug Culture

I made up a conclusion of why Black Metal/ Death Metal brewed mostly in Scandinavian countries – later on in a then flourishing/stable America – that have the best and most stable economy and general well-being, in which I created a hypothesis that because everything was just ‘too fine’ and ‘happy’ in their world, they had to create some form of opposition to balance out the dread of having everything being seemingly fine inside, but the hell inside was not sorted out, as well as becoming aware of the obvious disparity it is to live in a ‘First world’ like that and having wars, poverty, starvation, abuse in any other place in the world;  yes, it is enough to already label us all Mad people to not see the obvious polarized ‘nature’ we’ve accepted and allowed ourselves to be and become.  This is a similar point in our capitalist societies wherein we are absolutely living in a virtual world wherein things like Depression and Social Phobia have become a lifestyle – and I realize it’s not only a past-century thing, it’s always existed in humanity and the ‘crazy’ people were mostly out skirted in order to not cause any problems to the so-called healthy rest of the population – you can read that in ‘Stultifera Navis’ the First Chapter in Michel Foucault’s Madness and Civilization: A History of Insanity in the Age of Reason. (1988) wherein madness was certainly something that should be kept ‘away’ – nowadays, we’ve embraced it and called it a lifestyle fueled with designer drugs. Wow, really, wow. And why? Because Drugs = Addictions = Constant and Certain Profit Making = Lots of Money.

All of this is mixed into a cultural set of identification to a form of escapism due to how Alienated we’ve become from any form of actual understanding of how everything that enables life to be Lived is produced, what it is to work on our own sustenance. Instead we have focused on and then focusing on things that will give you a mental high in the comfort of your 4 walls room, which is how the majority of people are living as in this world.

I remember when going to the family doctor when I was a child, he would always have all these pens, notepads, rulers, sticks for your tongue and virtually everything plastic made around the area had names of medicines on them. I am sure you are quite aware of this and I questioned it at the time and my mother explained how the companies would give the doctors money/ commissions if they would sell a particular brand of medicine. I took it as normal since it was quite obvious that we were being sold many things all over the place, so it seemed when simply becoming aware of all the billboards on the streets and the suggestive ways in which to BUY our happiness, our health, our improvement, our sanity.

 

This morning I began hearing more than watching The Marketing of Madness  and I say I begun because I’ve barely gotten to the 3rd part out of 18, but as I was hearing, all this entire network of information was suddenly here for me to realize that I must now write about this. Why? I have had a strange fascination for drugs and madness and this goes as far as when I was a little girl and they would joke-threat me to take me to the Batán, which is/was the most well known mental hospital in a smaller city nearby where I lived. Why? I just liked playing crazy, it became a form of entertainment that’s for sure, it was something staged in order to attract people’s attention, well to freak out my parents and sisters mostly.  To me insane people were quite ‘free’ according to my schemes, which is what mostly fascinated me – why? Hell, All I know is that from the moment I got cable TV – as I’ve mentioned several times in the past, it was the ‘opening of myself to the world’ at the key-point age of 7 years old, I was more aware of the eccentricity of musicians and I would definitely always hear around the house how ‘artists take drugs / get high to look so careless/ free/ expressive’ which is what to everyone’s eyes would Justify their behavior as ‘careless’ = free.  Before that, just playing ‘crazy’ was something that could give me a thrill for doing something ‘out of the ordinary’ which I’ll open up in posts to come.

 

This is quite an extensive topic that I’ve been writing about here and there throughout this process, but it’s been not that long ago when I was busy with some other character that this entire insanity-point came up again, along with realizing the fascination I had with certain ‘alternative cultures’ based on what I grew up reading, watching on TV, learning from ‘artist’s biographies’ of how most of them had some form of insanity, drug addiction or plain disturbance, which is how I almost lead myself to touch upon those fields within a self-aware act of investigating madness and drugs, then defining all of this to be of my preference/likeness = self brainwashing. Why would that be? again, for the reason that I had the time, had the money to not be living only on survival mode and explore my own ‘personal fascinations’ for a while, enough time to now be able to write about everything that I saw, witness, tried out and have realized now when it comes to see how everything that I had thought to be quite a ‘rebellious act’ of the type of stuff that I was into/ that I liked, came to be just another polarity in the system that required my courageous fascination with things that I deemed as ‘forbidden’ in order to entertain myself further, leading me then into spirituality/ seeking god and wanting to mix both. I mean I was quite into researching DMT and Entheogens and all these ‘awakening’ procedures as well as the effects LSD had to ‘see beyond the veil’ and whatnot. My experimentation was not to get Lost or evade my reality, but to find some form of ‘divinity,’ lol this is the ultimate mindfuck that anyone can fall for in this world wherein you can buy anything you want, give it a meaning and call that a talisman for protection – same with drugs:  take it, feel good, realize that you re not ‘mad’ or ‘crazy’ but just an ‘Awakened’ person, yep and there you go: specialness + drugs + money + boredom = perfect slaves on drugs – or as Thom Yorke would write ‘a pig in a cage on antibiotics.’

 

Now, the personal endeavor to write about this is because I immediately noticed there were still reactions when hearing all these drug names, all the movies, books, relationships came to mind and I realized that I had not opened this point up mostly as a point of reservedness and morality according to how it would be seen as ‘insane’ to have some fascination for madness and drugs – both together were like a perfect cocktail for self-debauchery, that is quite ubiquitous in our current culture/ media, which is where I got it all from in the first place. Idolizing junkies is precisely not what I would want to continue perpetuating as a fluffy reaction within me – yes, there are feelings attached to this entire topic – why? That’s what I will find out as I continue writing here – a sense of freedom in a constrictive world? A sense of ‘limitless expression’?  As a result of writing out this, I experimented for sure that there are threads to be walked in order to stop keeping this fascination as part of my little-secrets to keep this bit of a world that I still wanted to be defined by, somehow, because of the entire participation in emotions and feeling when touching upon all things madness, drugs, eccentric behavior and the ‘inextricable human mind,’ which is part of my ability to now be quite thankful to Understand my Mind and be aware of how one can virtually pick any point of fascination according to what one is exposed to, and use it only as a constant point to re-fuel an energetic relationship toward it. This entire aspect is one of those parts of a personality that I became quite infatuated with while developing my emotional/ feeling body, so this is relevant, absolutely relevant to walk.

 

So, I’ll continue with going sharing part of the personal story and writing out Self Forgiveness, Self Corrective Statements and Realizations about such ‘fascinations’ as mere treats for the mind, which certainly must be stopped so that I expose the entire thing for what it is: just another way to entertain ourselves and pay for it while becoming ‘hooked on drugs’ which is virtually getting ‘hooked on Energy’ wherein the Mind is the only one that benefits.

 

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