Tag Archives: evasive

119. Oddity: Please, Leave Me Alone

119 is an Odd number and an oddity pattern has emerged. As mentioned in the previous blog, I am here to walk a point that comes before all points in relation to relationships, and that is a pattern that I have played out throughout my life and that I’ve mentioned in the blog  111. ‘Why aren’t you normal? which is a desire to be Left Alone.

And curiously enough, I had been trying to hide and suppress this point from the moment that I heard a song by Fiona Apple in her new record wherein she sings/recoils saying ‘How can I ask anyone to love me when all I do is beg to be Left Alone? –

 

Left Alone

This point can be quite extreme and it kicks in as a defense mechanism of the mind in order to place a red flag whenever there’s something/ someone that might be a potential dynamite to my self-religion, wherein I essentially start running away/ evading to ‘not be bothered’ or simply challenge my ‘way of being’ which is clearly a self-delusion.

The first memories stem from when I was a little girl and my mother would ask me to ‘go downstairs and play with x and x’ during a party or family reunion, which I refused to for whatever reason –I would even go into throwing tantrums simply because of not wanting to go and ‘play’ with other kids, which is how I would create an absolute opposition to the sound of her voice being ‘gently-pushing’ me to do something, until she’d get angry and scold me for not wanting to go downstairs to be/ socialize with other kids.

I can recall that I had a ‘hard time’ making friends simply because of this same point: I don’t want others to ‘disturb’ me, I don’t want to miss out this or that TV show if I go to his/ her house to play – I rather say that  I was sick and that’s why I didn’t go.  And so I always ensured I would only go to/ attend the places and interact with people that I wanted to be and interact with – but when anything or anyone went out of my ‘scheme’ of familiarity, I’d immediately seek ways to not participate, to not have to ‘go there.’

A memory that pops up was for example having outdoors activities at school, wherein kids would enjoy being boy scouts and I just thought of myself as inadequate for all types of outdoor experiences. So, I would push myself to not go at all or only go if it was absolutely directed to school – I really could not fathom how kids would want to spend their Saturdays doing all of that.

 

Sometimes girls would invite me to their houses, or anything else like a party or just going out or something and while they’d be asking me to go there, I would already be wanting to scheme any form of ‘event’ to make an excuse as to why I could not make it – I would rush into saying that I had this or that other class, or that I would be doing something else that would ruin the entire plan.

 

Other specific times is when I had wanted to be ‘left alone’ in relationships, wherein I apparently become too vexed and annoyed by another and in that, start scheming ways to pull myself away, like a literal ‘red flag, someone is about to push your buttons further,’ and as such immediately start getting annoyed by something, creating backchat as clear as ‘I don’t want to speak any longer/ I just want to be left alone’ – which is how I then go into being quiet and finding excuses as to why I should not relate to such person any longer.

 

Even when I was in a moment with ‘established’ friendships and relationships, there would always be a time wherein I just wanted to be left alone, even if I was already quiet habituated to be with them during the day, I would always hit the  introverted mode wherein I would simply remain quiet while backchatting about me wanting to leave home:  how could I get myself out of this situation, can’t he just stop talking, if I say that I don’t want to go then Ill be seen as anti-social, he/ she will take i t personal if I don’t want to go there – I just want to go home

 

Even when I was in supportive environments e.g. the farm I would ‘hit that point’ wherein I just wanted to be alone, like suddenly being ‘fed up’ of being around people and would only project myself into an immediate future of being alone in my room, doors closed, windows closed – no disturbance, silence. This is how the ‘going home’ or being in my room was like my little ‘spot in space’ wherein I could be alone.

And so whenever anything or anyone challenged my routine, ‘my way’ of doing things, my way of dealing with my everyday I would immediately go into a ‘defense mode’ of excuses in order to not go somewhere/ do something that would mean having to go to an unknown place or interacting with new people or doing something new. My home always being that ‘safe heaven’ wherein I could then feel at ease and always yearn to ‘get back to.’ 

So, this manifests even toward people that do not precisely represent a point that I have to ‘run away from’ in physical reality, but simply someone that is clearly being a ‘threat’ to my ‘loner’ character, which I have linked to people suddenly being ‘too close’ to me and I simply deciding that they’re getting ‘too close’ which is how I’ve always kept my bounds to remain the same in my own little routine where nothing moves and nothing changes – thus, the perfect intact trap for myself as my own ego.

 

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112. Who am I within Evading Communication?

Who are we when we ‘don’t feel like talking to someone’?

This came up yesterday in my writings as a pattern I played out in childhood – however I can see it in subtle ways wherein even taking certain paths to not have to talk to certain people have been a constant throughout my life. And this has been such an ingrained pattern that it’s been only now that I am investigating it – it seems that to me it was perfectly normal to ‘not want to talk to people’ and essentially develop evasive patterns, which I disclose here:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never question why I would simply not ‘feel like talking’ to people/ communicated and who I am within this evasive pattern wherein I am essentially denying myself the opportunity to communicate with another in any given moment.

 

I realize that this has been a life-long pattern that emerged as a child wherein I wanted to be and remain a ‘special’ and ‘unique’ girl that was deemed as more mature than others, wherein I used this positive-feedback as a way to justify my ‘selective/ picky nature’ wherein I would then feel righteous to choose who I would communicate with and who I would simply be able to discard according to the values I created within my mind as who was ‘worthy’ enough of communicating with me and who wasn’t/ at the same wondering if I was worthy enough to communicate with certain people that I deemed as ‘more’ than myself – this is how I built my own value-scheme wherein I essentially grew up to speak with people on the surface, but rarely ever communicate the reality of myself with others.

 

When and as I see myself going into a slight experience of anxiety and future projection of probably meeting someone while walking out in the street/ going out and already scheming ways to evade talking to the person/ people by changing routes, I stop and I breathe. I realize that me wanting to ‘hide’ from people stems from not wanting to interact, simply because of disliking having to ‘answer questions,’ without realizing that I decide what I share and how I direct myself in any given moment of communication.

 

I realize that I am the one that is able to stop following the pre-planned protocols of communicating with people in my every day environment, and that the experience of dread toward having to ‘talk about the same every time’ is depending on me and where I direct communication to now.

 

This reveals how any form of friendship or relationship was built always within the consideration of a ‘compatibility’ that inevitably creates a point of specialness between two beings, which is what generates the most conflict in reality, as one eventually reduces all ability to interact and express with any other being just because of holding to this ‘one’/ few relationships wherein we believe we are ‘being comfortable,’ however we are only comfortable because it is such relationships that ensure we remain trapped in our ‘personal limits’ as the characters and personalities that we agree to play out with one another, which is how we define ‘having a good time’ with a friend or a family member/ colleague or any other being that can immediately support our ‘who we are’ as the mind and as such, developing a kinship that separates ourselves from the rest of the beings, as there is now a ‘special bond’ created that functions like an ‘exclusivity’ between two beings while deliberately closing off all opportunity to expand and interact with more beings.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to grow up with the idea that I had to create ‘special relationships’ with whom I would be sharing myself with, which is how we learn that we cannot just communicate with anyone, but we have to create ‘special bonds’ and relationships to do this with only certain people. I realize that this mechanism is the primary way to ensure that human beings remain separated and secluded within relationship bubbles that become a form of private property and ownership wherein who another being is in our minds is defined according to the history, experiences, memories as the accumulation of moments we’ve spent with them – instead of realizing that interaction and communication that is in fact physically here is constant and consistent and does not require a ‘history’ behind to be able to communicate.

 

I realize that this point of preference is me still placing value onto people as in considering some ‘more’ and others ‘less’ according to a preferential rate that I have created within myself and that has run in an automated mode, wherein I have gone as far as thinking that people in my life that were ‘meant to be important’ were the ones I would find myself being comfortable with – while thinking that everyone else I had nothing to do with, which is how I lived a life seeking for these ‘special connections’ without ever even daring to see that all human beings are the same and that there is no need to create ‘special connections’ in order to interact, share and communicate with another.

 

When and as I see myself creating a point of separation as to ‘who I want to communicate with and who I don’t’ – I stop and I breathe, I realize that the mind is the only one seeking for ‘special beings’ to communicate with. Thus, I direct myself to break my own ‘religion’ of only communicating with certain people that ‘I like talking to/ I enjoy communicating with’  as this is the way that I can in fact expand myself beyond my own limitations of ‘who I speak to.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be deliberately short-worded and laconic toward people with whom I didn’t want to continue communicating with, simply because of rapidly having assessed that ‘we were not compatible/ not in the same wavelength’ which even by the expression proves how it is that we have become nothing but frequencies looking to match each other to ‘complete’ each other, which implies that everything I had considered within communication was using words to feed the ‘who I am’ as my mind and that everything and anyone that challenged this, would be seen as threat that I had to immediately ‘stop talking to,’ yet because I did not understand this mechanism, I simply would assess that ‘we were not meant to be,’ and as such accepting such rejection toward another and reaction as real, without seeing how in that moment of deciding to deliberately stop talking to another was me as my mind deciding who I am in such moment – and never really even daring to see HOW it is that I created such a point of preference in such a short time, which is proof of how we go through our days assessing people as images, as few words and profiling them in order to see whether they ‘fit’ our value-schemes of potential friend/partner, just because of how we see that such beings would definitely support our own mind-possession as personality, wherein life is absolutely neglected and forgotten while everything that is looked for is a sense of ‘compatibility’ to support the ‘who we are’ as the mind.

 

I realize that this evasiveness is actually a cool point to flag from here on as this is the way that I can now be aware of me stepping into the ‘picky character’ that would simply decide not to communicate with someone based on a sparing assessment of a person, which is obviously only me as the mind deciding ‘who’s worth it/ who’s not worth it’ as an immediate mechanism to ‘choose’ who I want to communicate with, which is what I see and realize is as elitist as wanting to preserve benefits over any other beings in this world, as I realize that any form of ‘special relationship’ is in fact wanting to continue existing as that point of separation that we have created through/ as relationships in our reality and existence.

 

I realize that I am in the verge of stepping into mind control wherein I become complacent to the preferences of a mind that has never considered the possibility of being able to communicate with any other being as one and equal. Thus I realize that whenever I see myself wanting to evade a person is me playing out the ‘evasive’ character as a way to not have to actually share myself unconditionally, simply because of how I had placed such ‘special value’ to ‘me sharing myself’ to only apparent ‘special beings,’ without realizing that in this, I am creating a point of separation by my own selective participation. I see, realize and understand that these are the  opportunities to break the pattern of ‘selective communication’ that I had lived as without a question before.

 

When and as I see myself being deliberately short-worded and laconic toward beings while thinking that I want to ‘stop talking to them’ already – I stop and I breathe –I direct myself to continue speaking if the point is here for us to communicate, and/ or deliberately push myself to open up with others, to finally realize how it is possible to interact without requiring to load a ‘memory’ of someone or having built up a personal archive of experiences with another in order to interact/ communicate and as such live here in the moment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I had only a ‘few friends’ because of not many ‘understanding me,’ which was a deliberate self-victimization and self-manipulation patterns  that I used as an excuse to remain selective in my communication with others, which certainly ensured that I remained as the same character that would never question my ability to communicate with others.

 

I realize that I can communicate and share myself unconditionally with any being just by realizing that communication must be physical, words that are spoken in the moment can be expressed without requiring to ‘assess’ the being in order to know ‘how to communicate’ as that would be me wanting to ‘fit in’ another’s schemes and values as to who they want to speak to and who they don’t, which is how we have all caged each other within these apparent incompatibility that eventually leads us to not even try and push further such limitation, but accepting such ‘incompatibility’ as real, without realizing that two physical bodies do not require to be ‘compatible’ in nature as the organism in order to be able to interact – thus it is clear that such limitation is existent only at a mind level and as such it only exist in each other’s mind as our relationships with each other and our relationship to the world, wherein we believe that some ‘do deserve’ not having any money to live

 

I see, realize and understand that money is also a form of communication and that me creating a point of evasiveness and/ or deliberate separation from another is only me giving into the elitist world system wherein the distribution of the resources is not given to all unconditionally, but is determined by a set of arbitrary and evil rules and regulations that in no way considered that all beings are equal.

 

Thus, If I stand up for an Equal Money System, I realize that such point of Equality begins within and as myself wherein I stop valuing people as more or less than who I am here as a physical being that coexist with all other living beings that I have simply separated myself from when existing as a mind that only seeks to build up its special-guest party list in order to leave some as Very Important People in one’s mind and the rest as ‘Non-Important-People’ where we sever our ability to recognize each other as equals,’ essentially dishonoring each other as equals and instead giving into a  mind possession wherein there can apparently be something ‘more’ or ‘less’ than who we are.

 

Self-Equality and Oneness begins with me here, walking a process of Self-Forgiveness, Self Corrective Application wherein I can in fact realize and recognize how I became the image and likeness of this world system and how through my participation, I became the creator and sculptor of myself as a world-system keeper that only acted in one’s own benefit to create relationships that would only support myself as the mind and subsequently, give continuation to the world system wherein selectiveness, specialness and elitism became ways to ensure that no one questioned why we lived in such a polarized world, because we learned and acted upon such ‘selectiveness’ without a question.

 

“I commit myself to show – why/how energy and money is in fact the evil in this world that reverse the opportunity for life/living with/as the physical, as money and energy is what consume life/physicality as the body and this physicality existence into and as its main system as the Mind/the World System to continue existing/surviving. And that the process of/as actual LIFE/LIVING that is here for all, equally as one, is walking out of the Mind into the Physical, aligning the World System to/as this physical existence/humanity in equality and oneness as the Equal Money System.” –Sunette Spies

 

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79. “I Feel So Cheated!”

 

Patterns:

  1. Remaining quiet/ building backchat about a situation that I accept and allow over a period of time wherein anger/ frustration and irritation emerges in an outburst with further consequences instead of taking Responsibility for them.
  2. Feeling victimized when something does not work out/ going into an emotional experience and thinking/planning how to escape from such ‘evil world.’
 

This is a continuation to ‘Be careful what you wish for” which is the aftermath of realizing what I accepted and allowed myself to participate in because of allowing things to ‘just be’ without placing myself as a direct active and involved participant to ensure I knew what I was cooperating in.

 

Self Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in backchat and remaining quiet about a situation that I am witnessing is not being directed in common sense out of fear of stirring conflict, without realizing that such conflict eventually creates anger, frustration and irritation that builds up to the point of bursting it out in one single moment with extreme anger, frustration and irritation toward others, instead of having taken responsibility from the beginning for and as myself to see where and how I am participating in my world/ reality, and ensuring that all points are walked in common sense and mutual agreement, so that each one is self-responsible about the consequences from each other’s participation and actions in any given event/ circumstance.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself every time that I think/ believe or perceive that ‘I have been cheated’ and that ‘I was used’ and ‘not properly informed,’ which is just a mechanism in my mind to justify the anger toward another instead of taking self responsibility to actually inform myself and walk the process of decision-making with proper communication and without assumptions, which is how whenever I see myself assuming things/ believing that ‘what’s best for all’ is being done, I stop and I breathe – I realize that whenever I assume and remain quiet, I am only allowing myself to not be directive at all times to ensure I stand equal and one to whatever and with whomever I am participating with and within in my world. This is the only way that I can stop compromising and victimizing myself toward others, and ensure that whatever I do, say and participate in, I am equally informed and participating to express perspectives of what is best for all and what must be considered before allowing the point to unfold to eventual consequences that are not best for all.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to participate on the pattern of believing that ‘I am always the one to be blamed for when shit hits the fan,’ which is an ingrained mechanism of self-victimization from when I was a child and, whenever something ‘bad’ would go in my house, I was immediately waiting to be blamed for it, building a lot of resentment toward my family for always believing that I was the only one that would do the ‘bad things’ and break things around, which is how I grew up with this sense of ‘being rejected’ and belittling myself, believing that it was always ‘my fault,’ which I used to build my self-victimization personality as to not have to take responsibility for myself and my actions because: I would fuck it all up in one way or another as it always happens.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to remain quiet throughout the entire unfolding of events, judging the expenses of the event as something ‘ludicrous’ without actually pondering how the point of support toward such charity could have been done in another way, but instead allowed me to believe that common sense was being considered and that I had to simply comply to what I had been invited to participate in, wherein I did not take proper time to investigate what I was going to be doing, but instead ‘trusted’ that the entire point was ‘good’ and ‘benevolent’ because of it being a charity-based auction, not really being aware of how it would precisely work.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a tendency to just believe that ‘my best interest is being guarded’ by others whenever I sign contracts and participate in events, without reading the ‘fine letter’ which is where and how I have to practically direct myself to ensure I read all contracts, that I inform myself about the details that I usually ‘shut off’ about in terms of money and money-making, to ensure that I in fact participate in something that is in the best interest of all – and if/ when realizing that such contract is not considering common sense, I must speak up and express the points to create an agreement wherein no consequential outflows of loss/ dishonesty emerge from the desire to profit in a situation that is supposed to be for charity only.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become the character of ‘I still the mind, I shove away my reactions’ based on the knowledge and information on Buddhism, believing that such event was ‘a test’ for my patience and a way to ‘vanish my ego’ by not caring about money, which is proof of how I mindfucked myself into not looking into the practical aspects of this entire event in relation to communicating openly about money, about the mechanism of how the profit would be obtained to ensure I would be aware of how I was in fact contributing to such event – in this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always fear talking about money when being in a situation of ‘working’ / selling just because of believing that talking about money makes me a ‘self-interested person,’ without realizing that this is just a matter of practical considerations in this world and that I have to stop judging money as something ‘of self-interest’ in my desire to portray myself as a ‘humble/ altruistic person’ that was only ‘in it’ for the art and the fun, when it was not so in fact because we all require money to live and everything that I did cost money – thus I ensure that I stop my self-judgment toward the use of money and money itself whenever I sign contracts/ get involved into any working situation, to ensure that I am well informed in relation to what I am practically being involved with.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that when she (the person that invited me to the exhibit/ auction) was explaining about the loss of money from the event two days later in her car, I allowed myself to take that as a complain and that she was ‘blaming it on me,’ which is a mechanism of my mind to go into ego to create further victimization and conflict inside myself, instead of actually communicating about the practical aspects that were not considered from the beginning. This implies that when and as I see myself going into ego believing that people are complaining to ‘make me feel bad/ making it all my fault’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is a mechanism that I use in order to become the ego that is ‘hurt’ so as to not have to look into my responsibility within the participation of such event and my actual lack of self-direction and proper investigation to see what I was actually going to be supporting and participating in.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others for the decisions made, compounding anger and frustration for what I have participated in thinking that ‘I must blame them for getting myself into this,’ without realizing that it was me that did not bother to ask and be informed about the practicality of such charity event in terms of Money, just because of the judgment that I had held toward Money itself as something that would make me look like a ‘self-interested person’ and not the ‘benevolent artist’ that I wanted to be seen as, wherein I constantly said that I was ‘in it’ because of the art and charity, not for the money.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain in this ‘benevolent/ altruistic persona’ wherein I avoid having to be dealing with money and conforming to whatever rules and dispositions I take part on, as long as I am supported and everything ‘works fine’ on the outside, without really getting to inform myself about how money runs in a business/ contract/ work point that I involve myself with –

 

Within this I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever agree on doing a job on photography and because it was for a religious association, I ended up not charging any money for them, even though it was agreed that I would be paid for it. Which is how within this ‘altruistic character’ I deemed that asking for money/ for my pay was self-interested, and that I had to let it go for that once, not realizing that within this I am compromising myself to not be effective in the money-system because of all the backchat held toward ‘earning money’ out of what I deem as ‘a pleasure’ such a taking photographs.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge that person as financially stupid because of not equating the final profit-for-charity made out of the auction and the expenses for the event itself, wherein I allowed myself to compound even more anger about the entire situation which was only building up further as the consequences of the entire backchat that I simply thought I had to ‘breathe through and not deal with it’ due-to/ because of that ‘still the mind’ personality/ character that I had decided to deliberately play out within that entire trip/ event in my life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fester anger and absolute irritation as the consequence of me not dealing with the backchat in the moment, and instead allowing it to compound to a point wherein I eventually explode as the consequence of not having spoken up in clarity to ensure that we are all equally informed about what is being done and what I am participating in.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge the entire charity point based on the consequences that we were facing in terms of money, instead of having had enough common sense approach to know what I was going to be participating in, and propose an actual solution to the event before hand, but instead, I allowed myself to be overridden with enthusiasm and excitement about ‘being invited overseas to exhibit my work’ without reading the fine-print on how the money point would work and function. This implies that I was the one that did not take responsibility for myself and my participation, which leads to in this anger/ ego possession, only project blame and further judgments within the self-victimization character.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself every time that I see that I depend on another financially wherein in this case, I knew that I could not end up in a ‘bad manner’ with her because my hotel bill had to be paid – thus realizing how we compromise ourselves because of money wherein common sense and equal-agreements are not placed and discussed wherein there is a point of interest behind it all, which in this case was money all the time – yet, I blinded myself by thinking or believing that ‘true altruism’ is existent and that I was in fact being invited by ‘good people,’ which is not a point of further judgment projection, but a realization of how everything works in this world through/ as/ by and for money itself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into the self-victimized state of ‘I feel cheated’ because of seeing that I could not earn money other than just giving that money to pay for my hotel bill and that was it, wherein I compensated the entire thing with thoughts like ‘I earned good reputation from it,’ wherein I then gave more worth to the recognition/ fame experience rather than actually considering the expenses that I had to cover from the expectation of being able to earn a percentage of the works.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always talk myself into the ‘positive attitude/ positive side’ of things, wherein after I see that I have lost/ that the expectations were not met, I go into thinking that ‘the experience is worth it’ and that it was a ‘cool experience’ overall, which is how we have justified the ‘learning lessons’ point in life wherein we are actually participating in mechanisms of self-abuse without really taking on the points to correct within ourselves, but instead sugar coat it with ‘positive experience’ to not have to take responsibility for what we accept and allow from each other as the mechanisms of this world system based on money/ profit and greed.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there were ‘true good intentions’ behind it all, such as supporting ‘emerging artists’ and gathering work from around the world, which is how I allowed myself to ‘calm myself down’ in the moment, ‘stilling the mind’ by accepting such positive view as real and more important than the actual money—issue that was discussed before, wherein I believed that because I was getting extremely angry toward her in my facial expression, she started ‘soothing’ the entire point by the good positive thinking attitude to it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘I must contain myself’ whenever I am boiling up in anger, which is further self-manipulation wherein I am not allowing myself to simply breathe and without reaction speak in common sense to be on equal terms, but instead remain quiet only building up an inner battle of anger vs. stilling the mind and becoming utterly displeased and frustrated about the whole situation there.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to manipulate my expression once that I have already compounded energetic reactions wherein I know beforehand that whatever I speak will be like venom trying to sound ‘correct’ while holding the anger as energy accumulated equal in intensity to the amount of time that I accepted and allowed myself to participate in backchat while remaining quiet/ not directing myself to communicate effectively with people with whom I am directly participating in a certain situation/ event/ process.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue existing as anger once that I am finally speaking out, wherein the anger then becomes seemingly ‘uncontrollable’ based on the self-righteousness that I access in that moment stemming from my perceived victimization, wherein I realize that because I have taken the ‘lesser/ victimized’ position, I believe that ‘I have the right to be angry’ at others, instead of realizing my point of self-responsibility within this situation wherein I was the one that accepted and allowed such anger to accumulate based on my laxity of self-direction due-to/ because of thinking that ‘everything was under control’ and that I did not have to worry about it, that I could just ‘let it be’ and breathe through my questions and uncertainties about the entire event, which are obvious indications that every moment that I ‘shut myself off’ without understanding why I was asking such questions lead me to a point of inevitable anger and frustration of which I didn’t see myself as absolutely responsible for.

 

I realize that I had held this event as a ‘bad experience’ in my life based on the relationship that ‘broke up’ in that moment, wherein I remain blaming the other person instead of having realized my absolute participation in every single moment that I allowed backchat to continue in judging and criticizing without taking Self Responsibility for it. Thus I see that every moment that I ‘breathed through my reactions,’ I was in fact only suppressing them to not have to face my own point of self-responsibility and instead, position myself as the ‘victim’ within the entire event.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to criticize everything and all justifications/ validations and excuses that were presented as the reason why such event took place because of not being in the moment hearing unconditionally, but I was already positioned within anger, frustration and victimization which is how no communication can be effective as I realize that once I am possessed with anger, I blind my ears as all I can see is ‘anger’ as me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to be ‘right’ about my assessment on the entire event, keeping this self-righteousness as my assessment as ‘real’ because that way I could ensure that I would remain as the victim within it all, to not see where I missed my absolute self-responsibility within my participation of every single moment of and through the entire event.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to access the pattern of me wanting to ‘leave the scene’ every time that I get into a point of conflict with another, wherein once that I am possessed with anger and frustration, I feel like crying and yelling and storming out of the place – which is all based on the amount of thoughts that I allowed myself to participate in with no sense of self-responsibility.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to buildup my anger even more every time once that I am participating in a conflict with another, they present the ‘bright side’ of the entire situation as to ‘ease the experience’ within myself, which is when I make use of them being aware that I am utterly pissed off to further enhance my self-righteous anger and simply not speak as to ‘let them know that I am utterly mad and angry’ – which is a pattern that I learned since I was a little girl and my parents and I would go into a fight, I’d play out the tantrum of being extremely pissed off and no matter what they did to ‘make me happy again’ – such as buying me some candy/ thing that I like eating – I would toss it back at them and enhance my tantrum with further crying and yelling as to let them know that ‘I was not able to be bought like that.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a self-righteousness within me to get angry/ be mad at people wherein once that I am possessed in this anger, I perceive it is too difficult to ‘let go’ of it, without realizing that it will take definitive and clear self direction to establish myself here as breath again, because anger is an indication of the accumulation of backchat over time that I allowed to ‘go by’ with no self-responsible direction to stop and instead, take responsibility for the points that instigated/ initiated the anger in the first place.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become even more irritated when the other person ended up the entire conversation with a ‘we all learned and had a good time which is what matters,’ without realizing that I have played the exact same point to make things ‘okay’ within myself at the end so that I do not have to face the consequences of not having directed me in every moment in the consideration of what is best for all.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create further disillusionment toward an entire career (!) based on one single event that lead me to believe that I was simply not able to ‘cope with the artworld’ which is a tendency that I had in relation to giving-up a point the very first moment that I see ‘it’s not working’ wherein all that I seek for is my way out of it as soon as possible, instead of facing the consequences, walking through the necessary solutions to ensure that I no longer remain as a victim in my own mind, but learn how to direct myself as life here in equality as what’s best for all.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to generate an immediate spiteful experience while thinking ‘art is just another fucking business’ as to justify my entire disillusionment and experience, wherein I allowed myself to be possessed by judgment and believing that ‘I had been cheated,’ while in fact it was all built due to and because of my laxity to be self-directive in everything I participate on, being aware of each step that I will be involved in, developing proper communication wherein there is equal understanding within the agreements that must exist when two or more people unite to give direction to a particular point/ event – and within this, also ensuring that I no longer judge money as ‘dirty business’ as I realize that this is the main judgment that lead me to create the laxity as in ‘not wanting to sound self-interested in money but only doing it because of the art,’ and also because of not wanting to exist as a ‘business person’ because of how I judged business people as ‘greedy people,’ and it all being just in my head based on the ‘puritan’ idea of myself as being not interested in money and being ‘alright’ just with the experience of going there and ‘doing my thing.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into the immediate pattern of isolating myself/ not wanting to see anyone when feeling this angry, using weed to soothe the moment and deciding that I didn’t want to be an artist any longer, which is an absolute tantrum that I threw as a constant pattern I have lived throughout my life wherein the moment things don’t go ‘my way,’ I simply step out completely of the game, lose all interest and mutate my interests into something else, just to remain within that eternal desire to fulfill myself in one way or another, which is what kept me ‘going’ in my life: creating ideals, dreams and desires that I could ‘live up to’ and in that, never really living HERE as life, but remaining only as a constant character seeking to fulfill itself in the right play.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make of my ‘torment’ and entire anger/ frustration a ‘work of art’ wherein I dedicated myself to take pictures and create a little video that I entitled muerte/‘death’ as the death of my pursuit of happiness through an artistic career within this particular frame of ‘fame’ as glamorous art exhibits. I used this video as yet another shift in my character that I gave value and meaning as to my new approach toward art from a more ‘spiritual’ perspective – which is yet another character that I will be walking as the ‘seeking for a more meaningful art’ type of artist personality, which lasted for a couple of months before I got to Desteni.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to reinforce a pattern of justifying me becoming emotional and turning it into ‘art’ which is how I fueled the pattern of ‘ You’ll need to suffer to make any real art’ /Read the entry on this point here and within this, create another layer of mindfuck to make it all ‘worthy’ for myself again when making of this event another ‘source of inspiration’ which later on became a relationship of spitefulness toward art that I had to walk through the remainder of my career. Such a love story.

 

All of these events took place in a very rapid manner wherein I went from one spot to the other like a bumblebee trying to suck the very last drop of honey to see which one would ‘work the best,’ never realizing that such eternal search for ‘something’ in separation of myself was only me existing in separation of myself here, wherein I sought to be ‘more’ that ‘moreness’ of myself in separation of myself here as breath, as life, as the physical wherein I do not require to create events and experiences to LIVE but life is here as myself in every breath.

 

Disparate

Disparate 2005

 

 

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself ‘keeping quiet’ in any given situation wherein I do have questions and perspectives to share that are in essence questioning/ contradicting the nature of an event/ situation with one or more people, I stop and I breathe – I realize the pattern as the usual fear of creating conflict/ facing responsibility for myself – therefore I direct myself to ensure that I am here breathing and speak to share what I see in common sense should be considered within the event/ situation to ensure that I stand as the self-directive principle of what I accept and what I do not accept myself to participate in and exist within my world.

 

When and as I see myself accessing the victimization pattern of thinking that ‘I have been cheated’ and that ‘I am being used,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is the way for me to not face the responsibility that I hold toward a particular moment and event, and that I must stop the victimized thoughts to take self responsibility for what I have created. I realize that I can in fact simply stop getting into the cycle by developing proper communication and understanding with all people that I have a direct relationship/ agreement with in terms of the participation within an event/ activity wherein I ensure I am in fact directing me and not a character of laxity and carelessness direct myself as an ‘everything will be fine’ type of personality. I stand equal to and one with the event and the physical practical considerations with no judgment toward the pertinent questions that must be asked and considered.

 

When and as I see myself believing that I am the one ‘guilty’ for causing a problem or an emotional experience in another, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is the pattern and mechanism that I use in order to not have to take responsibility for my own participation in such event/ situation, but instead place myself as ‘the sack of blame,’ taking it all on me to confirm that I have ‘done something wrong’ and within this, victimize myself instead of taking self responsibility for my actions and words in every single moment. Instead I direct myself to not participate in any form of emotional blackmail in a conversation/ communication and walking agreement with another/ other beings, as I direct myself in common sense at all times considering the consequence and outflow of my participation and words, which is how I can ensure that I do not engage in any ‘personal conflicts’ of the mind.

 

When and as I see myself judging the outflows and consequences of an event/ situation not turning out in a best for all way, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am only judging that which I allowed to unfold with no directive principle, which is the only way that things can ‘go wrong’ = when all participants and the purpose of something is not directed toward a best for all outcome. Thus I realize that I must not trust that points are being conducted in the ‘best possible way,’ but instead I ensure that I get practically involved in informing myself within and about all decisions and everything related to that point that I will be practically participating in, to ensure that whatever I do and with whomever I co-operate, I stand as an equal-participant in equal understanding of what is being practically conducted in every step taken, and all decisions made as to ensure that there are no ‘gaps’ of misunderstanding or any other opportunity to deceive one another.

 

When and as I see myself trying to only ‘still the mind’ as in suppressing the actual thoughts and experiences, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is another way of not taking responsibility for the thoughts that I am creating in my mind, and that it is another mechanism to evade having to take responsibility for the words that I am speaking/ and thoughts that I am participating in. Thus instead of ‘shutting them off,’ I breathe and I direct myself to see who I am within such thoughts, what is the starting point of it, how can I practically assist myself with such thoughts, self-forgiving and correcting those that serve no other purpose but fueling the ego and, that way ensure that I am able to express in clarity as breath, to expose the pertinent and practical considerations within any given particular event/ situation.

 

When and as I see myself judging me for asking about money when we are speaking about a job situation, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I can only judge this point for judging money as self-interest and greed in itself, instead of considering that it is an actual practical consideration that must be equally understood in any given contract and job situation, any transaction wherein money is involved and to see it for what it is, instead of tainting it with self-judgment as in ‘loathing’ the entire monetary system just by having to receive money to live.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to blame others for having something not working properly, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is another way of diverting my own point of self responsibility toward my direct participation in events, situations and agreements – thus I take responsibility for my reactions as the result of my own lack of self direction, as I realize that I am able and capable of directing myself within the consideration of the outflows and consequences of that which I participate and that which I do not direct as myself. Within this, I see that placing myself as the directive principle in everything I participate in is the way to ensure all I participate in stands in clear-terms between all participants with an intended outcome wherein all parts are considered and the aim is what’s best for all.

 

When and as I see myself trying to portray myself as a non-interested-in-money person, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am creating this character as an ‘altruist’ and that It leads to participate in unclear businesses and monetary situations. Thus, I ensure that I direct myself to inform myself about the monetary agreements in any point I participate in without any form of judgment for asking about the how, who, when and why of the monetary situation within any given point of job/ event wherein money is involved.

 

When and as I see myself compromising my expression based on depending of another financially, I stop and I breathe. I realize that being financially dependent does not mean that I must keep quiet and comply to all the rules and regulations within no question at all. I see that I am able to be informed as a right to know what I am participating in, and this is a simple part of ensuring that whatever I do and direct myself in is not manipulated by money having ‘power over me,’ but I see money-matters as a practical and reality-based discussion due to how money is the point that allows us to live at the moment in this current system.

 

When and as I see myself trying to find the ‘bright side’ to an event and situation that went wrong/ didn’t work out as intended, I stop and I breathe – I realize the pattern of covering up the fuckups for what it is and instead direct myself to see the point that I missed throughout the entire sequence of events to take responsibility for the point missed to ensure I correct and take it into consideration from here on. And even more so, I realize that I am able to stop this entire ‘making up for’ excuses by simply directing myself effectively within the engagement of myself within a certain activity/ relationship/ point I participate in, wherein I can ensure that I am considering the outflows and consequences of my decisions in terms of what’s best for all – and that if things ‘do not work out as intended,’ I will be able to take responsibility for the point as I recognize it as my creation in full awareness.

 

When and as I see myself accessing the pattern of ‘leaving the scene’ once that I get into a conflict, I stop and I breathe. I realize that leaving points ‘unsolved’ created further rifts and that it is absolutely my responsibility to face the point in the moment by slowing myself down to breath, and talking out without participating in any emotional reaction, but simply direct the point in common sense.

 

I realize that I learned this from my mother wherein every time she would face a conflict, she’d just leave the room and go to her room and so within that thinking that I had the right to do the same within such self-victimized state, instead of taking self responsibility to ensure that I indeed remained in a position wherein I can assess my thoughts, actions and participation to ensure I take responsibility for what I manifested and walk the necessary corrections.

 

When and as I see myself accessing the pattern of dissing/ diminishing that which is no longer satisfying me or has not fulfilled me in the expected manner, I stop and I breathe – I realize that any point of judgment is in separation of myself as the point of responsibility that must walk the self-correction necessary to ensure that I see myself as the creator and responsible of a point not working out the intended way and a such, ensure that I correct the pattern within me wherein I ‘missed’ the point – thus I learn from these mistakes to ensure I stand as the correction necessary within such event/ point.

 

When and as I see myself accessing a tantrum based on self-victimization, seeking to now glorify the experience as a ‘meaningful artwork’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that there will be no need to throw tantrums and go into self victimization once that I ensure I walk in equal-understanding and self-responsibility to all points that I participate in. This is then stopping the love/hate relationship toward anything and everyone in my world to ensure that I equalize myself as all relationships and associations I form based on what’s best for all and common sense – everything else is just deviation from the principle, which implies I take it back to self, walk it through self forgiveness to see which pattern I am playing out and walk the necessary living correction.

 

I commit myself to stop any desire to fulfill myself with seeking another experience/ event/ relationship once that another one didn’t ‘work out, as this is the usual pattern that follows once the positive energy experience is depleted from one situation/ event/ point wherein we see ourselves again ‘seeking for the moreness of ourselves’ in separation of ourselves. Thus I stop, I breathe and continue walking my day to day living ensuring that I remain as breath – and stop all desires to fulfill myself through experiences.

“Your past is just a story, and once you realize this, it has no power over you” Palahniuk Chuck

This drawing depicts that moment of the conversation in her car – however in real life I was not at the wheel. 2007

 

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