Tag Archives: expectations

564. Too Quick To Judge and Reflective Aftermath

Or how to walk through an emotional reaction, deconstruct it and see what’s there for me to learn about it

I had quite an experience today after watching the documentary called ‘Machines’ by Rahul Jain during the annual Documentary Festival Ambulante here in Mexico, of which I’ve been quite an avid assistant of for some years now. The reason why I watched it is because the topic interested me and the director was there to have a chat Q&A session afterward, which is where the whole point of ‘being too quick to judge’ emerged in me and that I’ve been looking at for a few hours now.

The documentary is about Indians working in textile industry for over 12 hours a day with minimal pay, the typical slave-job scenario yet shot quite ‘beautifully’ in the sense that you truly get to experience the dread of being in the factory and the noises of the machines, the repetitiveness, the heat, the dread that workers there – including young men as well – go through on a daily basis out of needing the money of course. I also found it quite eye opening in terms of textile creations and how fabric industry and ultimately fashion’s primer matter is created through the usual exploitative means just like everything else in our reality.

So, I actually liked the documentary in the sense that it opened myself to a reality that I had not have an opportunity to ‘vicariously witness’ before. I didn’t have a good time throughout it because there was a guy sipping some cheap alcohol throughout the whole documentary, and I started feeling very weird and reacting to that; ultimately it really got me feeling very off and almost sick, just like I would feel like when drinking alcohol in my younger years. I cannot know exactly how this happened, maybe the smell got me ‘activating’ some memories or maybe I was pissed off about the whole situation of someone ‘sipping on alcohol’ and ‘having a good time’ while watching a documentary that to me was actually quite sad and in essence quite a terrible working situation, though not as gruesome as the one that I watched last year called ‘Behemoth’ which truly accentuates the drama of slave-labor in China’s coal mines, the hell that the workers go through, living in abject poverty while at the same time being surrounded by the infamous Ghost Cities. Anyway, that was another story that I didn’t even get to tell about at that time because I could not find anything to say about that one documentary, no direction to it other than what it currently is as the consequence it is.

Back to this day after the documentary screening, the director and photography director – who happens to be Mexican – were there to answer questions. There were lots of people considering this documentary just won some awards in Sundance, so there I was being curious to see what the hype was all about. I made the first question to him about what was his reaction when the workers would talk to the camera and ask him to do something to change their situation, they were demanding an 8 hour work day instead of 12 plus and better wages, they asked humanity to wake up – and the response from the director is that he didn’t have any, he had no answer to them, and yes I understand he could not change anything of their situation, but he couldn’t either in that moment explain what that moment was for him, but simply said that ‘nothing’ came up, which I took as a ‘whaaat?? How can you??’ type of reaction, and the photography director probably understood my question a bit better and said that at the end of the documentary he simply had many more questions about our reality, and that’s it.

The rest of the questions were a bit more into the photography and the ‘beauty’ of it which is where the word ‘disconnect’ started coming up in me. I could not fathom that people were more focused on the beauty of how these textiles ‘flowed’ and how it was so nicely shot, while we had just witnessed the gruesome working experiences of probably millions if not billions of people not only in India but around the world and… well here is where I have to create the ‘alert’ explanation of what ‘MY WAY’ or MY expectation was about having an aftermath chat with the director geared to create an awareness about these people’s lives and the rest of it, or expecting some ‘societal change’ after it but the reality is that it’s also quite new, it hasn’t even been shown in India yet, so there I go with my ‘being too quick to judge’ position where some of these documentaries do end up having an effect in reality, but they do require a lot of hype and screenings so that people can start becoming aware of these mirrors that documentaries are for sure.

Another lady expanded on my question so as to see how shooting this documentary had changed the director’s life but he said that he didn’t change much because it’s not like stopping purchasing clothes will change a thing, or these people would go out of work, but I still didn’t get my expected ‘personal insight’ there and that’s when I simply lost interest = when I wasn’t getting the director’s insight that I expected based on previous experiences in similar screenings and their directors/creators.

To me this was a complete turn off and final point where people were asking how they had experienced the environment in the factory and the photography director responded with saying that the molecules around there felt hot and there was a heat from the machines and that he created his own environment, which I took as another ‘disconnected’ answer based on MY expectations of wanting to hear how draining or emotional it had been for him to witness the lives of these people, and in a way I went into the pattern of again seeing artists as detached voyeurs that use people’s suffering as their subject for fame, fortune, recognition and prizes through their films and the rest of it. So, at that point I felt physically ill due to my experience towards the guy sitting next to me, which is something I had never before experienced in this festival and it’s to me also quite a saddening experience that someone has to be drinking alcohol while watching other people’s misery, but that’s also a judgment and my own expectation of how I would want everyone else to also be eating their ‘heart’ as I perceive myself to have been doing, but, am I also not only just a comfortable voyeur of these situations through a movie? And so whatever I believe I experienced ‘towards others’ is in fact towards myself, in a way it was a deep sadness that I again become aware of these situations in a very ‘in my face’ manner and we haven’t yet been able to do something substantial about it, nor do I see a ‘soon end’ to it all either, yet I understand the level of consequences we’ve created as well.

I remember this is also the reason why I slowed down a lot from watching documentaries on my own, because it gets to a point where you can be so aware of many things going on in the world, but there’s the risk of falling into the helplessness, hopelessness and disempowerment oblivion when perceiving one cannot do anything at all to change these people’s lives right away, and that’s an actual fact and truth that we have to live with for the most part; yet that I still find myself getting caught into it and going into a covert blame point towards people, the directors, the whole notion of making of people’s suffering a subject of ‘appreciation’ and ‘award winning’ situations, but bear with me this is all currently having to do with my judgments, my expectations and ideas of how I wanted the whole discussion to go, how I wished that there was no human being drinking in this world and how I wish that all people in privileged positions such as myself could have some kind of open dialogue about our responsibility to create a better world for ourselves and the generations to come, which begins with stepping aside form indifference or apathy about the world’s situation.

I ended up leaving the Q&A only to dive into a whole walk of going into a very deep sadness and sorrow and I could exactly recall the various times that similar ‘episodes’ have happened in my life. It’s been always related to watching documentaries about the harsh reality and survival conditions in the world where I get ‘triggered’ by all that I get to see and become aware of, where I tend to sink into crying and being sad or angry at myself or others – or both – about the situations that people are going through in this world.

And in a way get angry at myself being just a privileged person that can sit around watching documentaries and am in fact so detached from many of these people’s lives yet they are also here, they are also a part of what’s here as myself, we are in fact equals and it ends up bothering me that yes, I cannot do much to change their particular situation and that I can only make sure I can be that one person that changes in my ways of living and approaching others and their situations, to do and be whatever best I can to continue living the principles where we can become supportive toward ourselves and one another, and to not lose track about myself and my life purpose based on how I perceive others’ words or interactions or sheer approach to this kind of discussions or documentaries.

Bottom line is I cannot expect people to see and understand or even approach these documentaries the same way that I do, nor can I imply that the way I approach them is the right way either. All of it is simply a reflection of myself and where I am in my life, where I see that I have yet to not generate contempt and disappointment towards other people upon seeing that they are not ‘responding’ the way I expected, because I was in a similar open discussion on Friday – yesterday actually – about religious hatred and that was a very cool one on the documentary ‘Forever Pure’ from director Maya Zinshtein, which was actually quite opening to me considering I have walked through a particular contempt about a faction that is presented in her documentary and instead, learn to see humanity or any other human as a reflection of myself /ourselves which she also did in her documentary about the religious hatred that exists between Jews and Muslims, and that’s a whole other story in itself but it was refreshing to see the kind of dialogue that opened up in that documentary and I went out of there being grateful that I had yet another perspective on documentaries being a mirror to see ourselves so that we can form our own conclusions about the points that we have to work with, such as in my case, to not create contempt towards those that bully others, otherwise I’d become the bully and hatred-recycler myself, which became quite clear within me while watching that documentary which is absolutely recommendable because it’s really not about ‘soccer,’ but about who we’ve become as humanity and hatred in general.

So, after I walked through my discharge of emotions, I realized that this time I wasn’t going to ‘drop the towel’ and go into the usual bashing of films or documentaries or art in general as a silly way to pretend to make any change in the world, because it’s not about that, but about who one is within what we do. And this time I made the decision to use these moments of weakness and not dive into the past-experience of saying ‘there’s no point in this’ and instead said ‘Ok, if no one else is seeing what I see can be done with arts, then I have to be that person that presents what I see is possible with the use of arts in any of their forms.’

In a way I used this weakness and moment of going into an emotional reaction about what I experienced or ‘saw’ in that moment to reassure my position and decision to do my part in arts and use it within the same context that I use these blogs, to process myself, to still walk through the various reflections and ‘meta’ analysis that I end up having while watching a documentary, while interacting with the audience that watches such documentaries and using that whole experience as another way to see where I can fine tune myself, where I am becoming emotional, where I am wanting others to have the exact same ‘realizations’ as I do when watching something, where I am expecting all film makers to do things because they want to ‘change or better the world’ we live in. . . because this is entirely MY desire, my perception, my starting point and I have to learn to embrace people’s different points of view and starting points, because not everyone will approach ‘arts’ as a platform to ‘change the world’ no matter how focused this festival in itself might be geared towards that, each creator has their own starting point.

Another bottom line is: I have to accept that not everyone sees the world or reality the same way I do, and that not everyone will have the same objective as I see within arts, film or any creative endeavor, I cannot ‘force’ others to do it either – nor do I have to go into the hopelessness of ‘there’s not hope for humanity’ if or when seeing that some people might not necessarily ‘care’ in that same way. I actually just saw an interview done with the director I just talked about and I could see how I might have been in fact too quick to judge considering that he seems to be working on similar subjects for his next films, which means that maybe he’s not that ‘great’ with words and explaining his perspectives, but the fact that he is investing his time, money and work on creating documentaries/films about environmental issues is already denoting an interest that even if it doesn’t have a clear purpose, they serve as works to learn to reflect about ourselves, so he explains that in this video:  Sundance 2017 Winner MACHINES Dir Rahul Jain

So, I am now seeing the clarity that I lacked a few hours ago when only getting caught up in the emotional aspect but, I also saw that I didn’t allow myself to go really ‘down’ as I used to in the past and remain in some sort of emotional self-manipulation, but actively made the decision to let it all out, to do some ‘ranting and raving’ for myself which served as an initial platform for me to then be able to start looking at a clear direction for myself within it all and this blog is also a part of that for sure where I don’t claim that there’s absolute clarity in it all, but it does contain some major directives for me to focus on and consider: not expecting others to see things the way I see them, my way is not the ‘right’ way, each one has a different process, not judging a person based on a 10 minute interaction or hearing their words and jumping into conclusions about ‘who they are’, being open to people’s approach and perspectives even if they are not geared to ‘change the world’ type of starting point, be willing to learn from others’ approaches and continuing to find ways to best approach situations like having a person drink next to me where if I am bothered then I have to change the spot and if there’s no other option like it happened today, then I can instead let go of the judgment and focus on whatever I am watching there.

There’s probably some more points for me to open up but for now at least I got some more clarity. I am forgiving myself for having accepted and allowed myself to become emotional and in essence jump into conclusions about other people based on my expectations and my ideas of ‘how things should be’ where I have to instead learn to embrace people, their perspectives, their starting points and learn from them instead of discriminating them because of them not ‘seeing life the same way I do.’

So this is a constructive shame about my  reactions and actions afterward, I didn’t make of it a big deal ‘against others’ though, but I did make it a big deal in the moment within myself, so best thing to do is to realize: ok I got triggered, what is this about, let the emotions out and be determined to walk through it and keep an eye on similar situations from now on, so that I can ground myself back into common sense rather than getting lost and trapped into my own ‘ideas’ of how things should work and be in reality.

Thanks for reading

 

 

 

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550. From Expectations to Self-Grounding

 

Throughout this process I’ve learned how creating expectations can be a secure trip to get disappointed most of the times, considering how in our minds we tend to ‘elevate’ ourselves in creating these ideals as in ‘perfect or idyllic situations’ about an event or situation that could open up or happen in one’s reality.

 

What I’ve seen is how we are the only ones that set this trap of expectations to ourselves wherein we accumulate a lot of thoughts, emotions, feelings which are all energy-based building up an experience one can define as an expectation, where one goes into imagining, thinking, considering future potentials and scenarios of how awesome – or how terrible – something can turn out to be and in doing so, one entirely misses out on the physical reality here, where in reality we cannot at all be certain of anything that one is going into a ‘high’ or ‘low’ about in relation to something happening in the future.

 

I call this a ‘high’ because in my case when it comes to planning the potentials of doing something that I’ve been expecting for a long time can turn into a very exhilarating experience and yes, just as the word sounds ‘exhilarating’ it’s accelerating my pulse and I dive into this ‘rush’ upon considering finally having something happen in my life that I’ve been expecting for some 10 years and that is, yes, seeing one of my favorite bands in a concert.

 

Now, I could have also minimized this experience and say ‘bah, it’s just a concert, it’s nothing, it’s just something that will pass and that’s it’ – but in this opening to be more self-aware at a physical level, I did notice how upon been more actively engaged in the process of making such potential a reality, I’ve been building up all kinds of future potentials and play outs of the whole situation, or how ‘good it will be to finally see them live’ and I’ll explain what is behind this all.

 

The reason why I have seen myself go out of my ‘cool-calm and collected self’ about this is because this is one of those ‘dreams’ or ‘desires’ that I created over ten years ago where while listening to their music, every single time I participated in the hope, the dream, the expectation that ‘someday they could come to play here so that I could enjoy that in a live version’ and even making statements – at the time – of ‘I’ll be able to die once that I see this band live’ which are often said in a light manner by many music-fans including myself.

 

Another layer of this is that it became part of my personality, it became the ‘elusive’ type of situation that at some level became ‘something to look forward to’ in the future, and that I have experienced before in relation to other bands as well, which for context, has a lot to do with the intricate self-definition and experience-relationship I created towards music since I was a little girl, specifically at the age of 7 when my ‘particular tastes’ started developing – greatly based on the access to MTV at the time – which I know many if not most people can relate to while growing up in my generation.

 

So, this particular band is very much linked to my self-definition and due to how it may seem somewhat underrated or not well known, the expectations of them coming to play to my country were almost null throughout all of these years where I would regularly send emails to their managers to get a gig in Mexico City… and it’s only as of late that something seems to be finally coagulating in that regard and I did notice yesterday how I had built up quite a load of excitement as expectations about it, which was in fact the discharge of all those times throughout these over 10 years of having thought of ‘them coming to play a live show’ and how I would experience this excitement, expectation, yearning and hope ultimately, which are experiences that are of energy, and no matter how one can perceive them as ‘natural’ and ‘nice fluffy experiences’ they are not, I don’t particularly like this ‘rush’ that I’ve created towards the expectation of this happening and how unsettling it is at a physical body level.

 

Now, of course it is not about ‘them’ or ‘the music’ but entirely about myself and how I have created the layers of expectation over time, the years that I’ve spent desiring for this to finally happen and even creating these ‘statements’ in a semi-joking manner to say ‘I will be able to die peacefully after I see x band play live’ for example… and I forgive myself for having ever said that because of course it would be quite silly to kind of say I’m ready to die just because of seeing a live act, but we don’t fully realize what we are implying with that kind of desires, future projections and conditions we create upon ourselves with and through our words and intentions, which ultimately are things for us to reflect to what extent one can be ‘gone’ in one’s head being in a high experience about such kind of event happening and disregarding the reality that is here, where I cannot really ascertain anything on them coming, I cannot really ‘win or lose’ something with it other than having the opportunity to see them live and that’s it –

 

I’ve been able to be cool, calm and collected with other bands throughout the years, but due to the exacerbated expectation I placed over time to this one band in particular, I can now experience the physical toll of some hours spent in an active engagement into these potentials and ways in which I could contribute to make it happen.

 

On one side, sure it’s cool if it can happen and it’s not like I now have to go to the opposite side of the polarity to wish it doesn’t happen or not go at all – it’s about changing my relationship and starting point towards this possible event that I could assist to, and ultimately be able to ground it back to self: not making of this event something ‘more’ than me or something that I have charged a lot of expectation upon, but seeing it for what it is: a different activity on my day to day like going to watch/listen to some live music which is something that lasts a couple of hours and that’s it.

 

I’ve also seen throughout my life how whatever I place this accumulated expectation on, especially when building it up with all the apparent ‘nice’ and ‘exciting’ possibilities, what ends up happening is that one doesn’t get to experience that at all – therefore a ‘low’ comes as a result – or even if one does get to be excited and exhilarated throughout the concert, then next day becomes ‘shitty’ because there’s no longer that something that one is looking forward to.

 

This all has to do with conditioning our lives to the experience of an energy within us as a point of stimulation, to make ourselves dependent to ‘get to a particular day’ in the year in order to get to experience that which we have been ‘waiting for’ throughout a long period of time and it’s just like this build up that explodes and one goes into a ‘down’ or ‘depression’ or ‘lack of energy’ afterwards, because all of that build up is no longer sustained through our idea of having something happen in our reality anymore once that it is ‘fulfilled.’

 

That’s also what becomes a periodical thing to ‘look forward to’ and  ‘live our lives for’, and I’ve seen this a lot in the community of people that look forward to concerts as well where LIFE seems to ‘lose its meaning’ after having this major-event happening and unless there is a new band coming or something else to look forward to, everything loses ‘its meaning’ and ‘there’s no sense to live’ which sounds quite shocking really when I place it here in words to see, and having been myself one of those people that would declare such statements at times in the past, I can see how much I was – and have been – making myself subject to these buildups and releases that I end up creating in my body only to keep myself subject to these highs and lows that get the physical into an actual overdrive and strain, because all of these seemingly ‘exciting’ experiences are actually eating up my physical body.

 

It’s also interesting where some people have identified this adrenaline, this expectation, and exhilaration as ‘being alive’ or being completely human and so making it all a ‘natural’ experience, but it is so that only through the awareness of who we are in our minds and the relationship of energy to our physical body that I’ve learned with and through the Desteni material over the past nine years, I’ve come to see and realize that the – excuse the word but – fucked up body state that one gets into after having these ‘major events’ take place in our lives, leaves us ‘high and dry’ literally, which is why we then look for our next fix –  lol sounds like ‘netflix’ isn’t it? – where yes one wants to ‘binge on’ something and once that one ‘craving’ is satisfied, we look at which other band is coming next, or what other fix can we expect out there to arrive to our lives soon.

 

And this is not living, this is not being directive, this is certainly not the kind of experience I want to recreate within myself, my body because I don’t like being unsettled and having these unnerving experiences that I’ve seen come up more since I got to be more involved in this possibility and for a moment believing that ‘being excited is cool’ because it is not, my body certainly is the proof that it is not and it is quite an unsettling experience that I am quite aware was being detonated as I started participating in this potential moment/event/situation where I could ‘finally’ satisfy this desire that I’ve kept ‘alive’ within me for so many years.

 

A part of me wants to say ‘this is silly, what’s the point of sharing this, it’s a silly infatuation, there’s no point, it’s irrelevant’ but I know it is relevant for myself and I’m sharing it because this is supportive for me to actually write out this thing that I’ve held mostly in my mind for so many years – and ultimately it can be supportive for others to translate this similar process of creating expectations towards anything in one’s life.

 

It can be an expectation of vacation/holiday time, which makes you ‘hate’ your job and then simply think you can discharge and let go of the hatred once you are on vacation – meaning keeping yourself in the ultimate polarity of the highs and the lows in energy, which is the whole point to become aware of and stop participating in – or the expectation of one day ‘meeting the man/woman of your dreams’ as the ‘perfect relationship’ and go to bed every night getting excited about it and drive your day to day to wake up just looking forward to that, or getting the job deal that you have been dreaming for your entire life, or getting to travel to your dreamed place, being able to buy something, getting to have or own something that you’ve been desiring for a long time in any form or way – that stuff keeps one locked in this adrenaline, exhilaration, this unnerving experience which is actually not at all cool for the physical body and it’s actually quite draining in nature, considering how we’re now aware of how the mind feeds off from the physical body to exist.

 

I’ve been definitely seeing the effects of yesterday’s (last Thursday) ‘peak’ as well today (Friday) wherein I’ve experienced this tiredness which is definitely unusual to me, which at the same time is a very clear reference of how I have been ‘draining’ myself through these expectations and ideals I’ve been entertaining in my mind for some 24 hours now in a more active sense, but in total, who knows how much time I’ve spent entertaining these future play outs and potentials….years on.

 

So, what can I do in my case to stop causing the strain in my physical body? I can stop participating in the imaginations and potential play outs or even planning about something that I am not even certain will take place – therefore rather realizing that if it happens or doesn’t happen, it’s not all in my hands and even if it was, should not define me in who I am in every moment of breath. That means, I have to stop seeing this potential as this ‘marvelous and greatest thing that could happen to me’, because it’s not really, it’s only music, it’s only a live presentation, I’ve seen how I am actually more ‘excited’ beforehand than when it actually is happening where I then see how I kept myself in this ‘high’ beforehand that is almost gone by the time it gets to actually happen and it’s just like craving something and getting it, then forgetting about it type of relationship, which speaks quite a bit about the nature of ourselves as our mind, where we create these highs and lows in our experience and miss out on the actual substance of what one is interacting with and speaking of in reality.

 

I have to forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to apply this specialness to seeing this particular band live which I can see right now, my eyes just want to shut down and go to sleep because of how I have been on ‘overdrive’ about this and body is taking a toll, which is not cool at all.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have participated in the expectation many times before towards seeing a particular band live wherein I start defining myself in relation to expecting the day where I get to have that experience, defining my reason to wake up as in ‘being one day closer to this event happening’ and ultimately end up creating the ‘climatic’ energetic experience on that day while at the same time securing the eventual ‘crash’ the next day after it actually happens and coming back to reality, which then would become quite a challenge as well because there is no more constant stimulation to ‘keep going’ on a daily basis, unless I would encounter a new ‘something’ to look forward to and put myself back on track on the energetic-bandwagon of ‘looking forward to’ something.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ‘looking forward’ to have something happen in my life that I’ve charged and built up with a substantial amount of expectations upon, as something I’ve been wishing for over a decade now, wherein I am justifying that ‘I have the right to be excited and ‘on a high’ about it’ when in fact, I am aware that this is only me as the mind and the ‘me’ that existed over ten years ago speaking, wherein I’ve also continued feeding this desire, instead of simply focusing on my day to day as usual and when and if the time and opportunity comes to assist to such concert, be able to enjoy it in the moment, not before or after but while it is taking place in reality.

 

Here then I can change my relationship to ‘looking forward to it’ into a ‘looking at it’ in the moment, when it’s happening and as it takes place, where even the possibility of it taking place or not doesn’t define me or where I do not become subject to a ‘high’ or a ‘low’ experience in relation to it.

 

 

An update on this point today Sunday on my side, after having been to a failed concert situation, this blog written prior to leaving to this ‘failed concert’ situation was quite supportive to be grounded and not create a low or a high about going to the concert and seeing it not taking place at all, which is a completely unusual situation to me but, I did notice that after having written out this whole blog, I became quite settled about the expectations towards concerts and I’ve been also more grounded about the potential outflows where I simply cannot be certain or ‘take for granted’ something, or even create a potential idea of ‘how it will go’ based on ideas, perceptions, future projections in my mind, but instead stick to reality on a moment by moment basis.

 

So, once again self-writing became a pillar of support for myself throughout the day yesterday and here I share the whole story in my vlog for further context: Adapting to Unfortunate Events – Decade With Desteni which in this case is related to this concert situation, but can be about virtually anything related to building up a positive or negative experience as an expectation of something happening and then having the opposite happen and how to ‘deal’ with those experiences, as well as this is part of what I walk through a threshold of seeing all of this too ‘irrelevant’ to share but, I saw how much of a hold this whole point had on me before writing it out, so here it is, sharing self-support.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

To understand more about the relationship of the energy in our physical body, check out the series: Quantum Mind Self Awareness at Eqafe.com

 

 Unnverving

 

 

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


466.Comfort in Communication

Or the experiences after getting rid of judgments, fears and expectations when communicating with others.

I’d like to share about how things can go when communicating with other people and having no expectations, secret agendas and judgments within oneself before, during and after doing so.

I’ve noticed for some time now how supportive it was for me to have the series of hangouts for the Living Income channel where I would set up meetings with people from around the globe to discuss with them for around 40 minutes a set of questions or topics I had prepared for them – of course them being experts or well acquainted with the topic or representing it – and it was a general great process for me – and sometimes them as well – to get past the ‘stage fright’ phase that these meetings would create in me and some of them that shared about it at the same time, where week after week it became easier every time to just connect into the hangout and suddenly be face to face with a person that I had never spoken before to in my life – most of the times – and still I was able to develop comfort in speaking with them, from greeting to getting to set the details of our conversation and during the after-hangout feedback time– all of it became easier and easier over time with practice.

Was it ‘easy’ from the get go? Nope, I mean sure nervousness existed whenever I was over-thinking and over-diving into judgments/ideas I had, for example, toward a particular person and how knowledgeable they were or how important their role is in something, or whenever I felt not so ‘grounded’ in my awareness of the topics to be discussed, but it definitely assisted me a lot to listen to the series of recordings for self-support explaining Nervousness and what it means within the context of giving public talks for example or the kind of communication I was doing for some time for the hangouts. There I learned to rather prepare well and then simply ‘doing it’, trusting myself which is easily said but it is more a process of practicing a lot, repeating the same a lot.

I noticed that the less I participated in ‘thinking too much’ beforehand about the communication in terms of judgments based on ‘values’ of being not good enough or not knowledgeable enough, or even language barrier or any sort of projected experience I’d create upon them or how they ‘seem to be’ – the less I would get an experience about it and instead I made it a point to simply face things ‘in the moment’ and not create any expectations around it, because that’s what I saw was creating the unsettling nervousness within me.

At the same time I got to practice that ability to relate to any person, no matter what their age, culture, personality was or even beliefs at times, I was able to get to a point of comfortable exchange wherein I was quite grateful for them spending some time with me in one of their rest-days – Sundays – and being willing to share their perspectives, insights or expertise on something. That way I came to genuinely develop a hope for humanity again in a way, because each one of them represented a part of me as humanity that is standing up for solutions, that is building, creating or spending their time to create something that is of benefit, of mutual benefit in one way or another to change things in our world.

But it definitely also became something beyond ‘what they do’ and I mostly enjoyed getting to know ‘strangers’ in a way that I could resonate with and have similar or the same principles as I do for the most part, based on what they work on or dedicate their free time to. And this was mostly like communicating to who they are as a being that is dedicating themselves to better themselves and others in one way or another in their reality. This was quite supportive and inspirational to me.

However, some might think: well, of course they are inspirational! You would pick them based on the topics and aspects you were interested to learn more about from them, stuff that is already geared to better life in this world! And that is right to an extent which is why the next steps of challenge has been to be able to apply this same approach with any/other kinds of people no matter what ‘background’ they have and develop such comfort in communication, in asking questions to them even if they were very personal in nature upon meeting them for 2-3 minutes as it’s happened some times, lol. How do I get to do this?

The ‘secret’ is based on giving as I’d like to receive and this is not an exchange of sorts at the beginning really, but it all has to do with the disposition I have in the moment I am in the presence of another human being that I am about to interact with even if for a few minutes only. And no, this is not only playing kindness to receive kindness in a convenient-system manner, but an actual recognition of another ‘me,’ another actual life form whom I have in fact SO much in common with even if we can be ‘worlds apart’ – apparently – when we allow ourselves to be defined by personalities, cultures, ages, education, money and the rest of ways in which we have unfortunately learned to segregate ourselves with. From kids to older people, from foreigners to extended family members, the application is the same: to share myself, to give my presence even if with ‘few words’ to in a way embody that acknowledgment of another ‘me’, and so talk to them, address them and develop an interaction that represents the way that I am with myself when being comfortable and even enjoying myself with just ‘being finally me’ which is probably easy to say really, but it’s been years and years of deconstructing my own layers of self-judgment and judgment I’d constantly hold toward others that only recently can I see has been ‘outgrown’ in me to an extent and so I have yes kind of ‘matured’ in a sense, lol, but not as I would have expected. I am in fact a lot more expressive, even playful at times if the opportunity develops to that extent.

Here in the past I had mistaken seriousness as in having a ‘stark expression’ with strangers as a way to kind of create a space for myself, out of fear really, to test the waters, to go cautiously and in doing so believing I was in control of something, when in fact, it was all based on fears that I’ve been deconstructing and letting go of – which translates in what I can describe as being more ‘here’ in the moment, no ‘script’ planned, but just trust myself that I am able to communicate with others and establish my self-comfort in it and share myself as it, no matter which situation I am in – although of course I mean there’s places and time for everything, let’s say doing this in common sense.

It is very much something I could link to the expression of a child and I had mostly been like that from early times in my life where I went on learning more ‘politesse’ ways from my parents and curbing the amount of ‘excitement’ I should show at times or not revealing too many ‘details’ about something etc. lol, I many times challenged that regardless but as I became an a-dull-t, I did become more quiet in certain situation and not being able to fully ‘be me’ because of loading all of those judgments, fears and expectations in me and so projected them toward others in the kind of thoughts like ‘oh what are they going to think about me’ which I can honestly say it is hardly something that comes up in me these days.

So how are things now in relation to this? Keeping practicing is one way, but what matters most is developing each time that ability to stand clear within me, which means having no expectations, no fears, no judgments prior, through and after a communication with others. I probably still have to keep working on the ‘after-math’ because I’ve noticed how sometimes I ponder if what I said was ‘too much’ or could have said this instead better, or approaching it that other way etc., not so much focusing on ‘how they see me’ but how I could have done things better – like after-communication backchat, which is not necessary to do in fear or judgment, but can be a constructive self-reflection about the points in terms of achieving the intent of a communication in practical manners – and if it’s merely social, then no need to judge it at all and let go of it, keep focusing on the ‘here’ and present moment and instead creating further opportunities to expand or fine tune aspects I saw I missed in the previous interaction.

I can say I am more open and comfortable in communication, embracing a bit of a child-like stance in the sense that I can speak in consideration of the situation, moment, people etc. and share stuff, ask questions, act and express myself without having internal noise about it, except when I fixate too much on another’s expression which actually only happens the most with my partner who is still a bit of a challenge for me to not dive into perceptions or projections of what I believe he is communicating with his expression – I’ve been proven several times to be actually Assuming a lot – so, in that way I still have to fine tune my ability to not attempt to ‘read’ into someone and pretend I know what they are trying to say or are experiencing, but keep it very real, physical and word-based which means, asking directly instead, getting the words through from someone instead of me jumping into assumptions or conclusions.

There’s one character in a movie that I could sort of many times relate to in a very fun manner, that’s Mozart’s character in the movie Amadeus where I many times felt like that ‘naïve’ type of personality in a grown ups world and lol, I still kind of do at times and of course not to that extent of kind of being clownish all the time or in a way to suppress other stuff either, but I’ve decided to make it a point to not opaque that spark that is in me that is very much ‘here’ and unconditional as an expression of myself, one that is not premeditated or ‘thought about’ or controlled, it’s just something that emerges the moment that I decide to stand clear, express without hidden agendas or wanting to control something or some outcome out of fears or judgments etc.… I leave all of that out of my moment and then what is here is just here, me expressing, continuing being inquisitive and not being afraid to ask questions – is up to each person to answer or not – because I enjoy getting to know people as well and kind of challenging myself every time to see that I can always find that ‘me’ in others, just by the fact that we are beings living in the same world, there’s always something ‘in common’ and that is what I kind of have integrated as my principle and starting point to not be afraid to talk to someone or address them or express myself with because, doesn’t matter how ‘little’ I can know you, I know we have a ton in common already , and that’s a great way to create comfort, familiarity if you will with basic aspects that we can all understand by the fact of being human beings.

At the same time sure, I know there’s many kinds of people I haven’t ever had the chance to talk to yet, but I’ve gotten to know several kinds of them through documentaries or through the internet as well and you can test this for yourself, there’s always going to be this ‘something’ that one can spot as the uniting factor. And that is all that I require in order to have something to communicate about which means this is a way to embrace others as myself, no matter how ‘short’ or ‘long’ term the interaction is, I definitely am practicing to make each one of those interactions a moment where I can learn something of myself, of others, of ‘something’ about this world and it becomes an enjoyable experience for me and even cooler if it becomes so for another too.

How did this topic opened up? I just had a chat with a guy that is my partner’s friend and I have gotten to know some details about his life but it was quite refreshing to meet over Skype and this time have no ‘topic’ secured – as with hangouts – to discuss about, but it was an open space for anything and all which was cool because then I applied the same point, just being ‘here’ in the moment, sharing, asking questions, being just here, sharing, comfortable, laughing, expressing – yeah also going through that point of seeing how there’s some sharings that can make the other uncomfortable, lol – but still be able to laugh about it and expand onto other subjects.

I’m in general appreciating the existence of these moments where we can connect even if living very far away, having ‘little in common’ apparently – lol – which is a fallacy really, we all have everything in common and we can always connect with one another if we so decide to do, and this is exactly what I wanted to share today, that it’s entirely up to us to be open, to be vulnerable, to embrace others in our daily interactions, to share ourselves, to give them the expression of ourselves that is most ‘pure’ in the sense of it not being contaminated with fears, judgments, expectations, desires or whatever else we can concoct in our minds, but be more like children are, innocent, in the moment, yet of course developing depth and substance in what we share at the same time with others, which in my case, my intent is to always have a background of support in any communication, of genuinely wanting to say ‘touch’ another person for a lack of better word because it’s not a ‘connection’ of sorts, but more like creating a realization of I am here, I see you, I hear you, I acknowledge you, you are part of what’s here which is all of us as life in equality, therefore, I embrace you as a part of me, let’s express.

That’s quite the way to go in developing relationships of any kind really, no matter how small or menial they can be in our everyday lives but, my take is that with this practical approach – that in fact it is more like an outflow of a lot of self-work at the same time – is the way to change our day to day interactions and so the ‘fabric of our societies’ and so of our world – and all that it takes is each, one by one, committing to develop this kind of expressions in ourselves, for ourselves first which in turn, whenever we share and are in the presence of others creates a possibility to share and nurture a moment, a situation and making of it something more substantial, more ‘living’ for a lack of a better word and this right here is an option that we all have access to cultivate in our day to day living.

All of this has been made possible for me, through myself but with the invaluable support of all the Desteni material and the Desteni I Process, which is truly a life-long set of tools that ‘arm’ you quite well to be able to not only recreate our lives but also be able to uncover our individual expressions that exist as a potential in all of us to develop and expand ourselves from.

Thanks for reading

 

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amadeus mozart


433. Humbleness and Consideration

 

I want to share about a process of living certain words to correct certain traits like being demanding/exigent, controlling, bossy and authoritarian, imposing my views/my ways onto others in an almost dictatorial way. I had not become aware of this until I started walking a relationship with a person that particularly reacts and/or noticeably dislikes any form of authoritarianism or clear-cut black or white impositions in a way of ‘do-as-I-say-so.’ Therefore of course, upon the clashes in this regard, I was able to see how much I tend to create an expectation of ‘how things should be/ how people should act’ and if this does not ‘match’ my ideal, then I get irritated at it.

Now, the first thing I had to do in order to recognize this is when seeing that I was the only one making a big deal out of a situation – which means reacting in my mind –  and that I had been the only one that assumed/created an ideal expectation of how something would have to be done/acted upon. When talking out this particular clash of me reacting to something being ‘short of my expectation,’ I realized how I had not at all considered the other person, their life, their background, the process they’ve walked in their life and so, in my own head I assumed that he would act/do things in a certain way in a particular environment. So here, upon realizing this as I walked the point with him, I had to ‘eat humble pie’ and walk a moment of stopping ‘making my point’ as in wanting to hold on to righteousness, and instead step down from my ‘horse’ to change my stance toward the situation into one of humbleness and consideration. 

I realized how much I put pressure upon another based on my sudden reaction to an expectation that I had in no way shared or communicated to the other person, nor had I realized it wasn’t a common sensical expectation but it was all built within me according to my mind/my views/ my ways. When listening how the other person lived that same situation in their mind, I realized that my own consideration, my own expectations were nowhere to be seen in that mindset, because they were not  entirely common sensical considerations, but more of an exigency that I’ve learned through ‘familiar tradition’ in this case, which my partner had no idea or reference of.

So, first thing that I suggest to anyone facing a similar situation is to immediately shift from righteousness and believing that ‘my way or the highway’ is the right stance, into practically live humbleness and consideration. This is a directive move to rather hear what the other person has to say, not react in any way to their words but understand where they are coming from, consider their living context, the past experiences that influence them, the lack of awareness or reference of other certain aspects that I did not make a point to share beforehand. I realized how specific I had to be now in order to ensure that I am not the only one having a ‘clear idea’ about something, but that I share about it, cross reference if he is ok with it and if not to work out through the points until we both understand each other and agree to a certain outcome or resolution. In this of course, there is also the process of doing the same on his side too, recognizing what can be improved, considered, practiced, applied in spite of resistances or challenges to do so, considering it is usually something he hasn’t ever lived or applied. So it takes two to tango in this for sure and it’s been rather cool to seeing him do the same as I have described above at times, realizing there’s no need to shout to make a point – this only makes things worse – but speak calmly, as clear as possible and with the firm intent to assist each other to see and understand something.

When deciding to live humbleness in this regard, I realized how many times not only now but in the past I have only considered ‘me’ in my expectations and assuming that everyone else ‘should be on the same level’ as in understanding/seeing the same I do, especially when being in a close relationship. I’ve thus now been continually learning to be more considerate of another’s mind, process, life experiences, patterns when interacting with them, and so realized how much I make a fuss about things in a demanding way, like being very exigent of ‘how this should have been done’ or ‘how you should have acted with x people’ – when in fact, these were all my expectations, my particular ‘quirks’ that I had not even questioned within myself before. So, in a way it was also important to ask forgiveness because I understood how much pressure this also created in the other person upon essentially demanding them to be/do something that they had no idea or reference of.  This also clarified a lot the previous stance where I took a ‘haughty’ position of having been wronged, when it was essentially the other way around in a misunderstanding or lack of communication situation.

I realize how I have this same tendency in many other aspects in my interactions with others, wherein I see something that could be done differently, that I need to ‘let others know’ of in a way to correct them, to show them ‘why they are wrong’ about something. But this is mostly a stance that would come through in an imperative manner, which implies having a starting point and stance of knowing better, being superior or having this idea that others are not capable of doing or handling something. This is all of course only ego and superiority traits that don’t assist others at all, because one gives feedback almost in a complaint-manner, offering no solutions, nor considering the impact it makes on others to come across in a very bossy manner.  

So for example today when recalling this point with my partner, he explained how sometimes I can bring up some facts about certain things he cannot do, and turn it into a sort of amazement in a way of saying ‘how is it possible that you still cannot do it!’ considering that to me it is a simple thing, a natural thing and so expecting that ‘it should be simple for others to do so as well.’ Well, I have to realize it is not. So he suggested I instead assist in that moment to verbalize points of reference so that he also pushes himself to be more aware of the point, to practice memorizing certain things, and so be more ‘here’ and aware of surroundings. I realized how much my remarks – even if my intent is not of ridicule – can be perceived as such, because I am not supporting another, but only pointing out in a sense of ‘amazement’ how something is not yet part of his natural abilities. This is a lack of consideration and so, what I will do from now on is watch myself to not make these unnecessary remarks, but instead turn it immediately into a feedback process where I usually then ask questions to see what is lacking, where is a misunderstanding, how can I assist and identify the ‘weak link’ in the process. All of this done of course in a very humble manner, with the sole starting point of wanting to assist another to develop themselves, not having a high-pitched demanding voice or a tonality of desperation, irritation or plain annoyance, that will get one nowhere in this life when talking to another.

I also just now see that gentleness is the word that also is then lived when moderating one’s voice and pace of words when walking through a misunderstanding, where usually if one fires up, the other one follows. It is definitely cool to apply then this humbleness, consideration and gentleness when communicating to clear up a situation and in essence, be more creative when considering solutions all the time, instead of rehashing the problem in an attempt to blame or keep one’s ‘pride’ untouched. It is mostly lame and even difficult when trying to ‘save face’ as some say and keeping one in this mode of ‘I am right and you are wrong’ it truly leads nowhere but further problems.

Now I enjoy actually the process of recognizing: yes, I realize I fucked up in that moment, sorry about not considering you in this – from now on I will ask you, reference it and ensure I communicate all details so that we both are on the same page on this. I will also share what I see you can also consider to apply, yet not forcing it upon you, you decide how you apply the principles in that moment and what you are comfortable doing.

It really takes nothing but humbleness to do this, and patience as well considering how many times things can repeat, to not get flustered about it, but to apply that consideration, patience and humbleness as many times as it is needed.

Today it was actually great to get feedback on some points he sees that he’s bettered himself at, and the points he still struggles with, which I realized the best support also exists by sharing my own examples of what I’ve walked, and when I haven’t lived something he’s dealing with, I share examples of other people I have worked with/walked with in similar patterns and how they have come to trance-end /transcend certain points in their lives. This is the kind of living examples or ‘living feedback’ that is of most value, to show how change is possible and so be willing to take the time to walk with the person in such assistance, to take them by the hand with care, consideration and humbleness into becoming something that they haven’t yet seen themselves being capable of being or becoming.

Through doing this, I’ve also then been able to be more aware of my tendencies to control, to impose, to be authoritarian and generally bossy. I’ve been learning a lot and I’m grateful for being able to change it in real time and live the difference this makes, how else would I have been able to spot these aspects that exist in me?

Thanks for reading.

 

Don't Be Hard on Yourself

 

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419. Devaluation of Self

It’s fascinating that when we operate in terms of ‘values’ and we value people according to who we perceive them to be – as their amount of studies, knowledge and information and generally known success in life, we sometimes create the notion of ‘famous people’ or people that could be generally perceived as ‘more important than’ or ‘superior’ to others that we have defined as ‘plain mortals’ so to speak. I noticed that this exists within me in the form of considering that some people who I would like to invite for discussions could be ‘too famous’ to actually want to be in a live discussion with me/us.

 

Louis Vuitton Morton

 

This came up as I was sharing with others about a particular person I would like to invite to a live online discussion and even if I know I am directing myself to propose it and actually eventually create it, I noticed a sharp pain on my right leg, quite on the surface but unusual though so I got to know from the person I was talking to how this relates to one’s foundation of support, and from some older notes, the flow of expression. So what came behind the proposal to interview this individual were also aspects of self-doubt in relation to how I have valued/perceived the person to be. So I realized how I tend to create these limitations based on how I have ‘valued’ a person according to their ‘accrued interest’ on knowledge and information and so how I see myself considering it would be ‘unreasonable’ or ‘unbelievable’ or ‘out of reach’ or ‘requiring something more than what I got’ to be able to actually approach another individual to discuss topics that we for sure have in common to discuss.  But then again, how/what has in fact placed such limitation? Myself based on the perception of these individuals being already interviewed by other media and ‘professional anchors’ so in this, I actually create my own limitation because I then look at the person not for the actual purpose of having a chat with them would be, which is a point that benefits everyone in fact, but I then first pull out a point of doubt of whether ‘we are up to the height’ required for it.

So in this particular practical considerations are required. For sure it would imply that I for example, have to ensure I read up to and continue educating myself to get more background on the person and their work so that I can have that same foundation for such conversation, that’s just practical stuff that I do anyways – so what changed? Well, the idea of ‘who’ the person is, so here we go!

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to consider person x as ‘way too unreachable for a chat’ considering that I have placed this person as an ‘important individual’ in their spheres of influence and within that ultimately believing that ‘they would not care/agree to have a chat with us’ without realizing that in this, I am in fact giving up or already going into defeat before even trying, so WTF?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider that I would require something ‘more’ in order to be able to invite someone for a chat, such as greater production or more publicity or else, without realizing that what I/we do is what is possible at the moment and using the means that we have at our reach and as such the simplicity of it and the use of cost-less resources does not diminish the quality of the production as the conversation in itself – therefore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a predisposition in the belief that this individual will only accept an interview if it comes from some major media outlet, without realizing that in this I am already giving up to even actually going for it and making an invitation to the person – within this, my approach has to be equal and one as with every other person I invite and so,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an experience of inferiority toward an individual that I consider ‘unreachable’ or ‘too famous’ or ‘too prestigious’ to be part of a conversation with me/us online – in this I realize that through this perception of the person being ‘more than’ I created my own limitation toward them and so creating an experience of uncertainty of myself in relation to how that conversation would develop – without realizing that this is all only my own mind patterns and experiences that I have created throughout time toward particular people that I have considered as ‘famous’ and ‘well known’ to be ‘out of reach’ people and me considering having a discussion with them something extravagant, meaning going ‘out of reason’ of what I would consider would be ‘suitable’ for me, which is all existent as a scheme of values that I’ve placed toward myself and others, which is unacceptable as the starting point of the whole thing is actually to promote and create a more equal society.

In this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually experience a tinge of fear of having a discussion with someone that I had previously somewhat antagonized and in this, I realized that my previous stance toward basically everyone that did not agree with how I saw solutions should be was that of rather continuous criticism, which obviously will lead us nowhere and so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually fear that my previous criticism and mockery toward the movement that this person stands for comes back to me in the form of the person rejecting my invitation for a live discussion – in this I realize that the actual fear is that the person could use what I previously said against me and against this renewed effort to rather work together. I realize that in this I have to first forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to criticize an individual’s work and overall movement as a non-working solution, without realizing that yes we all make mistakes and what I have learned throughout these years is precisely to not create enemies, but rather be able to find a common ground and that’s my current stance. Therefore I hereby declare that I have forgiven myself for having created antagonism toward other individuals that didn’t ‘suit’ my perceptions and ideas and plans for what I define as ‘real change,’ and now that we are coming to a common ground, it seems possible that we can in fact then advocate for the same principle, which is cool and in this ultimately it’s about me being clear on where I stand in relation to this individual and the movement he stands for itself, wherein I am willing to accept my past perceptions and mistakes and so be willing to obviously start anew as this is what we all require to do in the world: to forgive ourselves for our assumptions and judgments made toward ourselves and others in order to start from scratch and building relationships that go beyond ego or ‘who’s right’ and ‘who’s wrong,’ but rather get to work together as equals.

Ultimately in all of this, I realize how my own perceptions, beliefs and past ‘trespasses’ could create a limitation in expanding toward working and contacting people that I consider are now aligning more and more with the solutions we also advocate – and so it is absolutely necessary to stop ourselves as ego from becoming an obstacle in the development that we can in fact carry out for the betterment not only of ‘ourselves’ as individuals, but for the causes that we actually stand for – this means: principle must always override any ego.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to impose a sense of ‘not being up to the height’ of another and believing that ‘the person would not want to discuss with me’ because of me not having a particular ‘popular’ stance or reputation or believing that I would require to have some sense of ‘official recognition’ in order to be able to invite certain individuals, as if there was like this ‘scale of values’ that one would have to gather in order to do so. I realize that this limitation is absolutely something built over my own perceptions toward people based on their knowledge, their information, their careers and professions, their relationships, their leadership positions and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give more weight to knowledge, information, careers, relationships with what I have defined as ‘important people’ and within this create a limitation of ‘who I would be capable and able to establish a conversation with’ based on who I perceive them to be or what I would perceive they would think if a ‘regular person’ like me asks them for an interview.

In this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use terms like ‘being a regular person’ or a ‘mortal’ meaning a person that has no ‘laureate’ from the system or that has a specific recognition or validation at system level in relation to the topics I want to discuss, wherein I then create the usual trap of ‘not being qualified’ at the eyes of others, which is part of the problem we have co-created in our society wherein we believe that one is only ‘capable’ if you are given a ‘license’ as a permission and validation that you in fact ‘know’ about something, all part of the same system of credentials and values that exist and that yes, are required at the moment in the system – but this does not diminish someone’s ability and capacity to do the same or even more than what a person with a license has.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others would only accept or consider me to be reliable if I had some sort of recognition ‘out in the system’ so that a person then would not reject an interview with me – and within this I forgive myself that I have actually accepted and allowed myself to assume what a person would ‘expect of me’ or the kind of ‘licenses’ they would expect me to have or the amount of knowledge that ‘they would want me to have’ in order to have a conversation with them, which is all, once again, speculation and ideas based on how I have seen for example the academic world operates in hierarchical levels wherein for example teachers and their apprentices are seen as ‘more than’ any other individual in the same institution.

This actually comes from my own experiences of imposing a superior value to people in academia in fact, people that I have considered as ‘too way up in the academic world’ and that I’ve perceived that everyone reveres to them, and that they are ‘not up for just any regular chat’ which I then realized it was false once that I got to know ‘important people’ that one would see on TV or in high academic circles and at the same time seeing them in their regular life just like any other ‘mortal’ therefore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to having carried this idea of some people being ‘holier than thou’ based on my perception of the person being ‘famous’ or ‘well known’ or having some kind of ‘important academic position’ or being ‘an artist’ or else, who are all the individuals that I placed as ‘more than myself’ including politicians of course and probably kings just because of the whole propaganda and brainwashing that is created based on the amount of ‘importance’ we believe we must give certain individuals and ‘feel’ different toward them as well, instead of realizing we are in fact equals and no amount of knowledge and information should make anyone ‘holier’ than another as it’s all based on mind values, on knowledge and information and yes, we are ultimately all made of flesh and bones and are all mortals in fact.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever learn from my family how to behave with ‘well known individuals’ and politics and people that I have considered as ‘rich’ and ‘very important people’ – apparently – that I kind of learned that I should revere in a way, and act even more service-like which is absolutely – excuse the word – fucked up. I realize that this comes from me witnessing how my family would revere to politicians whenever they would come to parties and kind of even change their stance to appear more service-like and ‘affable’ and ‘giving them the keys to their house’ so to speak, as if these individuals were ‘more’ than any other guest in the house. This comes of course from the imposition of value/power/authority and even ‘fame’ and recognition to particular individuals based on the position that they have in society for example – therefore

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I should get even ‘nervous’ or up to the expectation of having someone ‘popular’ or ‘famous’ or ‘well known’ talking with me because of imposing the same experiences that I got from witnessing my family and how they would behave with ‘important people’ like artists or politicians and within this, copy the exact same experience that I would perceive others would have around these people, which was that of excitement, nervousness and wanting everything to be ‘top notch’ FOR THEM, which is the whole ‘service-like’ attitude that I learned one ‘should have’ when dealing with someone that is considered famous, more important or – god, dare I say – more valuable than others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still see a person that is ‘well known’ through the eyes of knowledge and information, through the eyes of the mind wherein I see a person based on the amount of recognition, fame, perceived authority based on the position they occupy or else and within this forget about equality because I still place this veil of ‘importance’ over others, which is of course unacceptable as I realize that we are all in fact one and equal and that we have in fact consolidated and continued to accept the current status quo based on this mind-hierarchy that we act out almost ‘by default’ toward perceived important/famous people, which is unacceptable.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever see some of those ‘famous individuals’ as ‘more than myself’ and this comes from the time when I would approach any artist for example and request their autograph as a child and how excited I would get from these experiences, because I learned that people that were on TV then ‘were more famous than’ anyone else therefore associating value with ‘being on TV’ or any other ‘well known position,’ which implies immediately placing myself as ‘not up to that height’ so to speak – but really, all of these ideas of importance, height, prestige, fame, recognition are all values that I have associated with a ‘superiority’ instead of realizing that they are in fact words that denote the actual work and life experience as well as trajectory that an individual or group of individuals have crated throughout their life to get to certain positions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to add a positive and superiority value to the word ‘prestige’ wherein the fact that someone can be well known, respected and has achieved quite a lot in their life becomes an ‘added value’ in my perception and thus placing myself as ‘less than’ them based on such achievements, which I realize is a point of self-separation when one identifies oneself or another based on the amount of knowledge and information they have or ‘how’ other individuals perceive them, which is all seen through the mind’s eye.

 

Instead prestige is simply recognizing the well-known work and recognition of an individual’s life experience and contributions wherein their work  and their deeds speak by themselves and as such widespread recognition and respect is an outflow of their life, their work and contributions being supportive for others as well, which is definitely what we should all direct ourselves to aim at being and becoming in our lives, to leave our lifetime of supporting to create a world that is best for all, and so live self-respect, which means that someone’s work and recognition becomes their own life and what they say/do and act on, which is nothing more or nothing less than life, it is simply an example that we can learn from and so also see as the potential that exists within each one of us.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate the word ‘fame’ with an experience of superiority and ‘more than’ others comparison, instead of realizing that fame as being known or being excellent in something is not an ‘added value’ to another individual, but simply what they have achieved through their own direction and creation – whether it is for ‘good fame’ or ‘bad fame’ it is simply the general perception of ‘who another is’ based on their words and actions. Therefore, there is no need to add an experience to fame or who am I toward perceived ‘famous people’ because it is simply recognizing another’s life, trajectory, expertise and/or mastering in certain fields as yet another example of what we can do and become if we are equally diligent in the work and dedication to achieve something, which is a general trait that ‘famous people’ get to do, whether it is for constructive or destructive outcomes.

Of course the way to live fame a constructive type of fame is to become well known by one’s living example of being a solution to the world instead of a destructive role model for sure, so in that our own perceived ‘values’ over one another would have to veer toward valuing as in recognizing another individual as an example of our own potential based on how one lives by principles that recognize our equality and that consider at all times what is best for all.

Therefore, it is not to see these words of prestige, fame, recognition as a synonym of ‘superiority’ at all, but rather seeing them as the result and consolidation of their names as public figures based on the actual work they do, based on how they have contributed to the common good, which is ultimately someone that I can definitely say is respectable and for sure someone that should be recognized by all people for what they’ve done/ achieved in their lifetime. This is then the physical living and work talking for itself, which doesn’t make the person ‘more’ than another either, but simply realizing that yes they have done the actual work, they have done the actual walking of a particular point that took them to be in a certain position that they are in the world system.

 

 

 

It is interesting how even culturally we learn how to create a particular excitement or even fear when being around a particular ‘famous person,’ as if they were in fact having this ‘divine aura’ around them which doesn’t make sense as they are just humans too. Sure, one can have a particular fondness toward another individual but ultimately any person that does believe that they are ‘superior’ to others based on their fame, their work, their knowledge and information, their lifetime experience is in fact then acting from ego, and as such it is for sure their point to ultimately realize. But here, my point of self-responsibility is to ensure that I am not the one that is coming from/approaching another based on these value-systems that have led us to continue stratifying our society – this is unacceptable.

So, the corrective process is that when and as I see myself going into any slight refraction of a doubt when it comes to my ability and capability of approaching a person that I have defined as ‘important’ or ‘well known’ I make sure I identify what is it exactly that is creating the shift so that I can see what fear or what expectation came up that created such experience, and so I bring myself to the awareness that we are all human beings and there is no one ‘more than’ or ‘less than’ and so I should not place my mind’s eye as the ones to decide ‘who I am’ toward another or jumping into conclusions of ‘what the other people would ask of me’ but rather ensure that my decision to approach another is based on first of all, equality, support and the openness to dialogue and work together within the principle of what is best for all. I realize that I have to ensure that I do not use my past and my past experiences as a limitation toward approaching people or my fears/excitements or general ideas of ‘superior people’ as a veil for me to not act in common sense which means: being my own foundation and structure to give myself direction to do something based on the assessment of my ability and capability to do so.

In this, ‘who’ the other person is becomes irrelevant which means, my perception upon them is not to be used as a determining factor for it – this is about me assessing the benefit of such conversation, the potential supportive outcome of it that is best for all parts. Within this, is also necessary and quite valid to make a personal assessment of where I would require to sharpen up my studies and my review of information in order to be ‘up to date’ with what we could discuss in a conversation, but this does not mean that it’s also going to be some kind of ‘duel’ of knowledge and information either, because the starting point of this is precisely to share what each person gets to know of, understand and/or create as solutions that we can all share and learn from. Therefore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I would have to be at certain level of ‘knowledge and info’ to be ‘ready’ to talk with another, which in a way it does make sense to be prepared but not to the level of ‘wanting to know it all’ already, otherwise, what would be the point of having a conversation with another if not to learn more from each other and so strengthen ourselves equally.

 

I realize that this is also the influence of the current debate programs and interview TV shows wherein some of the interviewers challenge the person they interview sometimes to the point of ‘who knows more’ or ‘who can win’ which is the whole ‘debating’ aspect that is actually detrimental to the public watching because we then recreate the notion that someone has to be absolutely right and others absolutely wrong or dismissed – instead of realizing that a conversation with people that I have not so much previous contact with should be about having them share their perspectives, learn and take what’s best as well as learn how to listen to the points that I might not agree with, however by creating an antagonism only on that we create further rifts and problems where the actual common ground can be dismissed, which is not cool, not acceptable in a world wherein it’s easier to wage wars than creating dialogues to establish ‘peace’ so to speak.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive people that have written out books or published an exorbitant amount of words as ‘more than myself’ and within this, realizing that if the starting point is placing ‘who am I’ as an individual against another individual, ego will always create a barrier and prevent me from actually expanding and rather learning from others. In this thus, I realize that I have to ensure that my own limitations carried from the past ‘learned inferiority’ toward certain individuals doesn’t become an obstacle to me actually stretching out hands and creating contact with people that I had regarded as ‘more’ than myself, and to always realize that whenever I see anyone as ‘more than myself’ I become the very continuation of the problem I am  trying to resolve which is inequality, which is the continuation of hierarchical values and the notion of ‘power’ and superiority embedded onto something/someone above ‘the rest.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given up at ‘first try’ after contacting certain individuals, without realizing that my approach was still coming from this already ‘made up expectation’ of ‘they won’t accept/ they won’t even reply’ or else, which is then what happened and then became a form of ‘defeatism’ in terms of trying to approach certain individuals.

In this thus my sole responsibility is to ensure that I realize that it’s not ‘me’ that is asking for that interview, it’s about me as the principle and foundation I stand for and as with the purpose of learning from others, of sharing supportive outcomes for humanity that is asking for such interview – therefore I do not have to place myself as ‘my persona’ before me when doing my job which is to establish connections and communication with people no matter ‘who’ it is.

In this, I realize this is the point to apply, a practical equality toward people and stopping my mind’s view upon others based on ‘who’ I perceive they are, and instead I commit myself to focus on their words, their work, their visible and practical solutions and contributions to society, which is what I am interested as a person that represents an organization that stands for the principle of what is best for all life.  In this I have to also recognize myself and to not ‘devalue’ me based on the perceived ‘validations’ I would require to ‘make me/my words/what I stand for’ as ‘valid’ or ‘recognizable’ in the world system, as I realize that there is currently no such ‘validation’ and due importance given to the consideration and realization of life in equality, of supporting one another, of truly working together for best for all outcomes and so , how can I expect me/us to have such ‘recognition’ in a world that recognizes and places fame on the exact opposite?

There’s no visible honoring toward life yet so we have to build it from scratch so I commit myself to stop expecting some form of ‘validation’ or ‘recognition’ or ‘credits’ in order to give further steps of expansion within myself and my process of communicating with others – and instead rather recognize that it is our own work, our own consistency and dedication that which makes us valuable as the principles that we stand and live by – ultimately that’s just the value of life for life and that’s rather what I decide to dedicate myself to honor, to honor life not world-system credentials and ‘values’ placed in separation of who we really are as equals, which is also what’s worth while supporting and sharing with others.

 

I commit myself to imposing money-talk to others too wherein I value others based on ideas related to energy and money, which is not who we really are and so I rather develop a communication based on living principles where equality stands as our undeniable common ground to work on.

 

All Life Is Equal

 

Read people recognizing Life in Equality in the 7 Year Journey to Life blogs

 

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185. Anxiety over Time

 

Anxiety is one of the physical consequences within the procrastination character – here I explore anxiety in relation to time, memories of anxiety linked with having to complete tasks or a specific ideal of ‘who I have to be’ in order to remain within the accepted and allowed self-imposed standards of being efficient, steadfast and accurate in what I do.

Physical Dimensions of Procrastination – Reaction of Anxiety

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as the experience of quivering and energetic churning in my solar plexus, extending throughout my body as all my limbs and believe that I must ‘act’ upon this experience to make it stop, without realizing that it is just the movement of energy that is throughout my body as the consequential outflow of me having created an experience toward my reality as emotions, feelings, thoughts which are only existent to generate conflict and friction within me.

 

When and as I see myself experiencing anxiety within my physical body, I stop and I breathe until the energy dissipates and I ensure that I am bringing myself here back to the physical, wherein I then rewind the moment to see what did I see, what was I thinking, what single thought emerged within me that caused me this energetic physical experience, as I see and realize that it won’t go away just by ‘breathing’ through it, but that the core and starting point of it must be clarified within me in order to take responsibility for the relationship of energy that I created toward something/ someone in separation of myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety whenever I see that I am ‘missing out’ on doing something, which is usually linked to being procrastinating a particular task wherein the single thought of ‘task’ to be completed, triggers this inner experience within me that is felt in the pit of my stomach. I realize that it is a Lot more subtle than the ‘anxiety attacks’ I would get years ago, however, it is still existent as this minute ‘bomb’ that I experience as a burst of energy that quickly fades in the solar plexus area – however, the energetic experience is still linked to me ‘knowing’ that I have to do something and me believing that ‘I don’t have enough time for it,’ which is an excuse that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘rush’ the experience of anxiety with, believing that it must be ‘done now’ and within this statement, binding myself to time instead of giving myself a practical direction to establish a moment of the day to dedicate to my task/ project to complete.

 

When and as I see myself having the thought of ‘task’ and then backchatting ‘I don’t have enough time’ – I stop and I breathe until the experience of the anxiety in the ‘pit of my stomach’ dissipates as I ensure that I return the energy back to the physical through in-out breath – as I bring myself here back to physical stability, I give myself direction in that moment to proceed to work on the task/ arrange my other tasks so that I ensure I do work on it today.

 

I realize that this energetic experience of anxiety is directly linked to ‘time’ as this ever-looming haunting presence wherein I have made of time an enemy without even wanting to realize it, thus I stop defining my day according to ‘time’ but instead direct me to move in every moment according to tasks/ points that must be completed – that way I stop binding myself to time, and work on physical reality here in every moment, ensuring I take on each point breath-by—breath.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so ‘used to’ the experience of anxiety that I have managed to simply shove it aside for a moment, and believe that I could ‘live with it’ or the remains of it as this not-so overwhelming experience as it used to be, but this little tiny energetic outbursts after these years of being stopping what I called as ‘nervousness’ which was actually anxiety,  and that it was ‘part of myself’ as something that could not be entirely ‘stopped’ which is me limiting myself to my full ability to remain here as the absolute physical breath and stability that I am.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make of anxiety a physical experience that I defined as my own ‘alarm’ to move on and pay attention to what was required to do, wherein I would experience anxiety whenever I was expected to move ‘fast’ and do things ‘quickly’ in order to maintain a certain expectation of my ‘performance’ within specific tasks, specifically stemming from the relationship with my father, that I’ve walked through several blogs as an example 103. Being efficient out of Fear! wherein I realized that this desire to ‘match’ my father’s perceived efficiency would cause me to get into anxiety the same way that I would observe him be and do wherein, even if he would react in anger and anxiety to direct things, everything would always work out perfectly – or so I believed.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I require anxiety to perform a task, to get things done as an ‘alarm’ or ‘warning’ that there is something I must ‘get to do’ and within my own ‘rebellion’ toward my own patterns – foolishly so – I created a laxity toward this wherein I did not precisely write self forgiveness on the experience of anxiety and its origin, but tried to simply ‘breathe through it’ without actually understanding how I created the pattern myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the memory of my father rushing us all to be ready to leave the house or do a particular ‘move’ wherein I perceived his own anxiety and demanding force for everyone to just hurry and move and get out of the house in order to leave, and me creating this experience within me of what I can refer to as anxiety within the belief that moving fast/ going out of the house immediately and essentially performing any task or something that is required of me to do, has to be done with this experience at a physical level of anxiety.

Therefore, I see and realize that I have programmed myself to believe that doing something ‘out of the ordinary’ or that which I am regularly comfortable with, must have an anxiety experience toward it accompanied with a sense of rush and steadfastness that is not physical only, but always accompanied with a mix of nervousness and anxiety as the expectation of something that would happen and that I would not know how to ‘control’ or what to ‘expect’ in such situations, which is how I believed that experiencing the ‘tickling’ throughout my body was a normal physical reaction to expectations, future projections, doing something out of my regular ‘doings,’ or being specifically called out by my name to move/ do something, requires anxiety for me to ‘wake up.’

 

When and as I see myself experiencing anxiety when I am about to do a task or remember about doing it or being asked by my name to do something , I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is me re-enacting that first experience of rushing/ fear/ anxiety and nervousness when I was asked to do something that I was uncertain about in relation to the point being ‘familiar’ or ‘known’ for me to Know what to expect – which is then realizing that I don’t require to have control of or be expecting something specific when dealing with a situation, when getting myself to perform a task, when going somewhere and meeting someone unknown to me as events wherein within my awareness have no reference to.

 

I commit  myself to realize that I don’t require anxiety in order to move and that it is certainly Not a normal experience whenever I am about to direct myself to perform a task, to go somewhere, meet someone, or I am simply asked to do something that I believe I am not ‘ready for.’ I realize that the readiness and steadfastness exists as who I am here as the physical breath by breath.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety whenever I go into a future projection of being in a situation wherein I am not ‘reaching my goal’ or ‘achieving what I expected’ or ‘fulfilling another’s expectations upon me,’ which is how I allowed myself to become the anxious and steadfast person based on the belief that I did not want to be as ‘slow’ as my sisters or mother, and within that, wanting to be ‘liked’ by my father for always being as ready, steadfast, accurate and efficient as I have perceived him to be. Within this, accepting his anxiety and usual anger as means o give direction to something or someone in a proper manner, within this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I required to experience anxiety within me in order to move, do things efficiently and even more so, when directing others also having to exert anger within my desire to have everyone and everything just functioning and working the exact same way that I want it to be – wherein if something did not go out as I ‘have intended to’ I would go into absolute nervous breakdown.  In this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get anxious at the thought of that still image of me in the classroom in second grade and simply losing my focus on that ‘mental calculation’ exercise wherein we have to go making immediate multiplications and just writing down the result and me missing out one of them and so suddenly going into this extreme fear and anxiety because I saw everyone else was simply following through and ‘I’ had lost it and within this an immediate overwhelming experience rushed to my head as me not getting an ‘A’ /or 10 as it is qualified here – and within this, missing out my ‘perfection’ at that stage which was the time when I was overtly apprehensive about my reputation in school as an ‘A’ student. Thus I began crying and simply lost it, which was a way for me to also want to create a justification as in ‘poor girl, she’s crying, let’s do it all again for her,’ as a point of manipulation in order for me to have a ‘second chance,’ which obviously didn’t happen and I didn’t get a good grade and that’s how it remained as a memory to ‘keep’ due to the extensive amount of anxiety that lead to crying and the embarrassment for crying and for missing out on the exercise at the eyes of my entire class.

Within this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into anxiety due to projecting onto others thoughts and beliefs of them thinking that I have simply ‘lost it’ as in missing out on the most simple stuff and within this, fearing to be stupid or dumb in that moment, which stood as an opposite of the image that I would ‘work so hard’ to maintain which was being the straight-A flawless student.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety whenever I believe that I am ‘losing my perfection’ wherein after the experiences throughout childhood of being overtly apprehensive with school, I became more ‘relaxed’ about it in order to show to others that I wasn’t as ‘apprehensive with school,’ wherein eventually it developed to the point I am facing today which is the ‘I don’t care’ character stemming from that initial stage in my life of extensive anxiety and apprehension toward school and doing everything ‘perfectly’ – o the point where I believe that ‘I don’t care’ however, always maintaining almost immaculate curriculum and within this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety as a suppressed way to not look at what must be done, but instead seeing it as me ‘missing out/ losing my position’ in relation to any point/ task/ project that I have to complete, thus

When and as I see myself experiencing anxiety as the accumulation of me having had this expectation of myself as being always ‘perfect’ and ‘right’ in and throughout school, generating this idea that I must then continue that personality and that because I am not moving myself to do so, I require anxiety to move as a way to generate fear within me to move myself – but! because it meets with my newly upgraded character of the apprehensive mutated into the ‘I don’t care,’ the anxiety is quieted down and immediately-instantly suppressed with an ‘I don’t care’ experience which is then creating a thought or come up with something for me to do in order to make it alright for me to not do things – thus  I see that this single play out of experience requires stopping both the anxiety and the cover up experience to the anxiety as ‘I don’t care’ in order to simply move physically and get things done.

 

I commit myself to stop waiting for me to experience a thought and anxiety afterward related to ‘doing the task’ as a way to move myself and within this, stopping the cover up experience of ‘I don’t care’ and leaving it for later – as I see and realize that as long as I continue making it ‘okay’ to save it for later, I continue the indecision and lack of self direction in one moment here, wherein I realize that I only require to make the decision and live it out as myself.

 

There’s more to come in relation to anxiety, ‘big projects’ or tasks and my looming experience that comes when thinking that ‘I have to do something’ but then going into anxiety, suppress it and continue doing something else wherein no self-movement is then occurring.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety at the moment for thinking ‘all the stuff I have to do after I post this blog’ and immediately wanting to rush to publish and ‘get done with it’ wherein I then start blaming myself for taking the time to work on the cooking process earlier and within this not prioritizing my time – thus,

When and as I see myself wanting to rush and get anxious to post my blog, I stop and I breathe until I redistribute the anxiety experience throughout my body and out through breathing, and then I realize that I require to be more directive during mornings like today wherein I can simply go straight to the writing to then focus on answering mails and everything else that must be done.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be rubbing my feet within the anxiety experience wherein I have become so used to the rubbing of my feet as a physical indication of anxiety and nervousness upon the realization that ‘I am behind’ something and I must ‘hurry’ as if rubbing my feet would somehow expedite the process as a constant friction experienced as the act of rubbing my feet one against the other.

When and as I see myself rubbing my feet together as a way to externalize the anxiety as the friction I am experiencing inside me, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I don’t require to externalize a point of literal friction within me outside as rubbing my feet one against the other in a constant manner, as I can instead stop the anxiety from the beginning and within this

I commit myself to breathe and slow down every single moment that I see the slightest emergence of anxiety as myself as a rushing point to ‘get it done,’ and also stopping the imagination and projection of doing things ‘right away after I’m done with this,’ as it is an indication of dimensional shifts that I am participating in, wherein I am not being fully here as the finishing of the blog itself, but already wanting to ‘finish it up/ get it done’ so that it is posted, without realizing that I have been the only one that has set this ‘time’ limitation to my tasks.

Instead, I direct myself to simply make use of my time effectively wherein I see that there is no point in limiting myself according to ‘time’ but rather ensure that I work-on and direct points that are required to be directed moment by moment – one after the other – ensuring that throughout the process, I am here as breath.

I commit myself to breathe consciously and in full hereness, stopping whatever I am doing, until I can stand and ensure that I am no longer being ‘subject to’ anxiety, as I see and realize that whenever I try to only ‘cover up’ anxiety, it becomes just this something that is placed aside without really focusing on identifying the origin point and within this supporting myself physically to breathe through it until all energy is dissipated and I take responsibility for whatever is causing the anxiety within me.

I commit myself to realize that who I am is stable here as the physical and that I require no energetic experience to move myself and direct myself as I have just seen and realize how I am able to breathe through the experience until the energy dissipates and I am here stable as self.

I commit myself to ensure that I breathe until all muscles of my physical body are not tense and I experience breath being comfortably here as myself.

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The ‘Feel Good’ times

I fooled myself so many times trying to seek something of ‘meaning’ and ‘value’ outside of myself that I ended up looking for ‘something’ that could make sense of this world in almost every single religion, philosophy, gnosticism, physical practices and anything that I could use as a point of giving myself some meaning and purpose in a world where nothing made sense to me.

I got stuck into spirituality for quite a while using it as a way to not face my physical reality while placing all my attention into that which I thought was ‘real’ as the intangible realm where the “true self” existed – quite a paradox in terms of the definition of reality, yet I tricked myself very well into my own belief systems.

I can read my writings from that time and they are all filled with words that could be nice enough to sell hallmark cards. I hid behind words that sounded pretty enough to be  a constant attempt to speak like walking poetry and in that, becoming another brick on the wall of the false-portrayal of what is here as this world, becoming comfortable in sugar-coating this reality. I hid behind knowledge that made me feel special, superior, ‘all knowing’ and almost ‘too good’ to be in the physical world.

I thought of my body as a cage and in that, I did nothing else but separating myself from it further and further, keeping myself busy in my mind, building up a personality that I could present on to others as ‘who I am’ and be excused for not fitting in, for having this ‘kind-hearted’ way of being wherein I saw myself as a living tarot card, a ‘guide’ of sorts or a guru living in the modern times just so that I could be and remain  ‘special’ for those people in my world who would also support this mindset of mine.

I dug the nice spot I built for myself: thinking positively, seeking love, talking about the realm of the intangible and trying to find some freedom from this ‘oppressive world’ through following my greatest excitement. I made of my life a series of self-created fleeting moments and coincidences that could keep me trapped believing that all of it would make sense someday, that I was following a certain pattern as one of the many life lessons that I had to fulfill to eventually complete my ‘mission’ in this world. Yes, no different to being playing  a a game of sorts. I got to be quite obsessive about numbers, names, people, ‘meant-to-be’ experiences in my reality, books, pictures – I was thinking my reality through a filter of some ‘divine hand’ guiding it all. I never realized I was doing it all for myself in fact.

Apparently, god’s mission for me was being nothing else but a fucked up energy interrupter that could go up to the ‘highest excitement’ and then drop down to the deepest pit of denial and misery wherein I would mostly seek to get back on top again through self-created experiences.

Fascinating that I sought people that could feel exactly the same way I did, so that we could all delude ourselves into a comfortable foggy existence wherein we could agree that ‘the world is fucked because there must be a reason for such people to suffer,’ and where karma became the most comfortable belief I took on to not feel ‘bad’ – or even daring to think of myself as responsible – about seeing poor people on the streets.  I would say to myself ‘They must be paying some bad actions from a previous life, they are not only ‘there’ because of this world being fucked, no. There is a higher reason and purpose for it.” Yes, it could be embarrassing to share this but I’ve walked through the points so I’m simply sharing them as they were – no strings attached as I can only recall the general aspects of my reality back then, which was subdued not only because of all the belief systems I was integrating within myself, but because of the daily habits of seducing myself into the realm of the intangible where I could justify it with artistic explorations and solace in the multiple coincidences that I could take on as ‘signs’ indicating that I was on ‘the right path.’ A bunch of crap obviously.

Hiding in spirituality was a great thing for the sake of keeping an acceptable personality that is pretty noble and smiley and seeking beauty all around – literally – that made me popular in my family for a while, lol. What no one really knew is that such happiness wasn’t the ‘naturally good spirited me,’ it was self induced by means that are not necessarily endorphins or a genuine sense of self fulfillment, but more like in a sense of fool-fill-ment through smoking weed as that was the only way that I thought I could ‘get to understand’ reality, that I could be relaxed and enjoying while making of every moment like an episode in a life-series of events wherein I would eventually finish the ‘quest’ by obtaining some type of ‘superior knowledge’ and become super enlightened and be blissfully happy ever after. All of it was a major reverend fuckup.

Now, I’m not recriminating this to myself, it’s taken me years to be able to be writing this out the same way that I could write about my day today and how I got partially intimidated when walking past three older males wherein I realized oh fuck I’m still reacting to seeing men walking down the street with certain aspects that I could consider ‘attractive’ – you know? that type of experiences that are just like regular for human beings lol.

Why I’m writing this today is because I tend to create some type of self-evaluation according to the time of the year. 4 Years ago around these days I was into conspiracies and pretty much starting to believe that something marvelous would happen in ‘4 years time’ and that we were only waiting for it all to unfold in such a nice and blissful way that it would blow all our troubles away, and wash our suffering with some type of magical dust that we could snort and be eternally fulfilled with.  Yes, that’s only an exaggeration of how I thought of this world and reality back then.

Though it was actually through conspiracy theories that I started stepping out of the usual mysticism I had cultivated and getting into knowing the facts that I had absolutely dismissed my entire life. It was a time where I began being ‘afraid’ of the unknown once again because of seeing how there were all of these secret societies trying to control the world and how we were only puppets putting up the show while others moved the strings at their will. Once again, we got really into it and spent several days researching while having our usual past-times doing the regular stuff like ‘being creative’ and pondering about our ‘meant to be’ lives together. Yes I’m talking about the friend/partner that I’d spent almost my entire day with.

One night we actually stumbled upon a Desteni video, a Hitler’s video yet we only saw the beginning as the entire breathing in out freaked him out and took it as a joke. I wanted to see more but, hell, I was quite a submissive one back then and wasn’t  in my full senses either to be self-directive enough – so I complied and allowed the point to just ‘sweep away.’ We really got ourselves into this weird mind state wherein we thought we were discovering the greatest secrets of the world at last, we went around the reptilian point several times which was something that I had definitely considered as a nice myth to entertain humans and nothing else. We all now know how that went  on in reality.

I started getting more interested in meaningful dates and years like 2012 and the mayan calendar which was explained by Ian Xel Lungold while he was alive, and I certainly got hooked on his explanations about it. I devoured his lectures, so I sought for more and in doing that, bam! I found Desteni’s videos on the mayan calendar with Ian Xel Lungold from the afterlife. That was the first video that I saw, I got so excited I texted my mother about it, I almost pee myself out of the excitement as it was just mindblowing for me to be having such characters speaking through the portal. Again channeling was something ‘familiar’ to me, so I didn’t even question that point at the time. I proceeded to register at the forum and began my daily marathons of watching all the material while rolling a joint for the sake of ‘being able to handle the truth.’ It was quite a nice timing as I was completely alone in my apartment during the winter break of my second year in art school. I never thought that my life as I knew it would change forever from that day on.

After 4 years I am grateful that I found Desteni right before I was going to be really screwed-into spirituality and other forms of ‘enlightenment’ or training myself to be some kind of healer, tarotist, or a plain deluded mystic while pretending to make some type of art that could be ‘sacred enough’ to awaken other human beings. I realize I cannot judge myself for all of this because they were all steps that lead me to where I am now, which is still here and facing myself, taking self responsibility which was a non-existent point before this.

It was 4 years ago that I tried my first acid and with that, I thought I had discovered the reality that I had sought for such a long time, everything fit and I felt just like a guru that ‘hits home’ at last. I felt special, I felt that I had to recommend that to everyone – and in fact I did – that was the only thing I required to experience to see that there was ‘something else’ that I was being subdued from. In a way it was an experience that lead me to see a bit beyond my own limitations, so all in all they were part of the game and I took the experiences as part of the same bridge to get to this point.

Now after having told the nice side of story, let’s get the points cracking. I essentially used spirituality as a form of superiority where I could have some sort of ‘control’ over this reality through knowledge, never ever considering that I was actually supporting the entire enslavement of this reality just by keeping myself well deluded in spiritual topics. I neglected the entire world, I could only ‘feel bad’ about other people’s situations, yet saw myself as too incapable to do something about it. That’s how I would feel when watching all those conspiracy theories and such, I saw myself as incapable of becoming a point of change and I only saw ‘spirituality’ as a potential way to solve the problems of this world. It’s not that I never really ‘cared’, I did, but didn’t care for myself and didn’t even consider that I had to first accept and support myself as the individual that I am. I was seeking so much ‘outside of myself’ that I was completely neglecting my own life and reality which is what we now know is what must be taken as a point of Self Responsibility before anything else.

That’s how I began walking this process, as awkward as it was to sit on my bed and beginning to read Veno’s self forgiveness statements as a training point to see how to do it and how it ‘worked.’ From that moment on, it’s been a process of learning through trial and error which is what this process is about. We’re not wanting to keep everyone of us in a certain type of confinement, we actually learn through facing our reality while having the support and necessary tools to see how we can direct ourselves in a way that is best for all.

And for this and many other reasons I’m grateful for finding Desteni, this is just one of the main aspects of it which is stepping out of my habits/ addictions and faith in the spiritual realms. I instead realized I had to do this for myself and this was probably the most valuable point anyone could have ever let me know about.

Thanks for reading and visit the desteni forums to check out what I’m talking about.

personalmythology


‘Reality-Insight and not Mind-feeling’

“All experience is always judgment” – Bernard Poolman

experience
n    noun
1    practical contact with and observation of facts or events.
2    knowledge or skill gained over time.
3    an event or activity which leaves a lasting impression.
n    verb encounter (an event or situation). Øfeel (an emotion).

 

If we understand that we are currently walking-experiences, we can see that everything that we go through is assessed by the mind as an experience – Life is Not an Experience yet we are currently walking as mind-created experiences wherein we can simply stop identifying ourselves as the feeling/emotion/judgmental experience and instead SEE through practical living-application how we can go living ourselves as a point of change – yes, it will still be a mind-perception of yourself yet it will be a more physical experience wherein no more backchat is directing the reality but simple physical living interaction – this is what we’re walking.

 

How we use the tools is to identify ourselves as the experience that we’ve become of thoughts, emotions and feelings and as we go stopping we will still experience ourselves in a certain manner as we are currently existing as mind consciousness systems that assess and value everything according to one’s established parameters – we’re establishing parameters that are aligned with what’s best for all in common sense which certainly creates a guideline of how we are able to practically physically live and still experience ourselves yet not clogged and stuffed with emotions and feelings and useless thoughts, but instead allow ourselves to stand equal to the mind to direct ourselves. That’s what’s here as ourselves hence we direct us to the best possible outcome that’s livable/ walkable in this reality through direct realization of it being in fact so.

 

This is how we realize that all knowledge must go, that all past perceptions as experiences of ‘who we are’ must be self forgiven and let go of because all of them are holds that keep the system in place – we are the system and unless we stop feeding the same constructs and walking in absolute directive principle, we’ll re-create the same patterns over and over again which is in essence recreating the past of self-enslavement with no self-direction consideration.

 

 

“the price that must be paid for our blindness due to experiences” – Bernard Poolman

We’ve disregarded life while wallowing in our mental diseases that we’ve accepted as ‘human nature’ as ‘our life experience’ – this is only one of the reasons why giving up the mind is giving up the actual harm and abuse imposed on to life – it’s only fair that we’ve got to walk now from the consequences of such continued disregard to what is here as ourselves while existing as the helmets on the head.

 

It’s clear that the physical body doesn’t ‘experience’ knowledge or values/ judgments upon comparison, worth imposed over things and people – all of that is but mind-creations, huminds creations that we’ve accepted and allowed ourselves to wallow in. The physical just IS:

“The physical -has no agenda, need to know nothing, is already in full design, and live as it breathes, as it eats, as it fucks, as it touch. The mind – has judgments, reasons, meanings, laws about everything -without actually understanding anything.” – Bernard Poolman

So physical-experience is still an experience yet has nothing to do with the mental schemes of values/worth/judgments that we impose on to that which functions as a vital system – the physical is a vital system that doesn’t require us to ‘think’ to function – example is how body digests and absorbs nutrients without us having to direct a single thing of that process, we’re not even aware of how it all takes place, that’s proof of how detached we are of our own physical body.

 

“mathematics shows that if one follow common sense and NOT experience–we can change the world”
– Bernard Poolman

So, in terms of participation in reality, we’ve got to stick to the physical cross-reference of ourselves, to remain here as breath to simply stop feeding our ‘life as an experience’ and simply walk here with the necessary points to be done.

 

We’ve discussed how the mind-experience is still overriding common sense living which is the physical living wherein everything is ‘there’ for all to see. An experience is only experienced by each one, it’s ‘invisible’, it takes place in the mind of each one – that’s how we’ve lived as separate bubbles as our thoughts, just this globe on our heads that no one sees yet we know ‘it’s there’, creating an alternate experience of what’s Here as our physical body that lives, that exists in simplicity.

 

“when you die–the experience abruptly ends” – BP

So, the point to realize here is that we cannot just stop ourselves being an experience as that would imply we’d have to die – as the above quote presents – so what’s practical here to do? We simply direct ourselves to be living here as the physical, to breathe in and out to literally heal ourselves from all the damage we’ve done to this world, to ourselves as our physical body poisoned by all our mind back-chatter. It is insane that we’ve lived as constant self-abuse machines without ever even pondering if that was ‘natural’ to do – yes, our “human nature” is severely fucked up and not at all in harmony with the physical.

 

Human nature as experience

We can then see how it’s been a HUGE Lie from our world system to identify that the glorious thing about humanity was to possess a mind to think, feel, experience, etc – that is the very thing that allowed us to get into our EGO of the mind and thus possess this world through the marvelous Machiavellic existence as Egos that want to conquer and dominate everything and everyone.

Is that what we want to remain like?

No, absolutely not.

 

So, hereby I express how I am not willing to second the mind in its own glorification, survival and regurgitation – that has simply created hell on Earth and I’d like to quote Bernard once more because these words must be heard everywhere possible:

 

“Ego is the acceptance as self as superior to others in truth and thus the allowance of chaos to find an angle with which to screw all competition till only the ego version of truth remains — then the ego were right and for this, the ego will destroy the planet” – Bernard Poolman

 

We’re walking as all of these points, we are supporting ourselves to become effective in simply stopping ourselves from living as walking-experience and instead get us into a living-physical reality wherein no backchatter exist as directive principle and prime influence over ourselves dictating our experience as ‘who we are’.

We are experiences walking into the living reality – and this is how we’ll continue walking because we see, realize and understand how the humind motivated by internal back-chat has created the current system to be of such abusive and unequal nature, we have seen how the humind in search for new experiences has lead this entire world to the brink of destruction while trying to ‘experience more’ and ‘get more’ which has become the drive for all human action.

 

So from here one when we share ourselves, we’ve got to make sure that we speak from direct-seeing here as part of our physical amalgamation to the reality that is HERE physical and not only sharing the reaction that is mostly emotional/feeling based according to past-patterns that exist as the mind –  as Sunette pointed out

‘Reality-Insight and not Mind-feeling’

 

When we are existing in our mind we are only caring for our personal fulfillment of the idea that we’ve become, we don’t consider the totality of reality that is here as ourselves. By exerting a single opinion or judgment upon this world, we are in fact supporting the existence of such judgment as part of the reality we live in. We’ve become so used to criticize and point-fingers at ‘others’ instead of actually simply dedicating ourselves to STOP from remaining as complaining systems instead of being in fact the solution to all this humind distortion of reality: stopping ourselves from participating in thoughts, feelings, emotions = stopping existing as the mind and start living as the physical.

 

We’ve got to stop living as the Illusion – the ill-uses we’ve placed as value/worth on to what is simply here – it is a constant addiction to seek experiences in everything, everyone out of virtually anything – even if it’s something as simple as going out we tend to seek to have an experience out of it, out of watching nature, sometimes even creating a mental experience of breathing ! lol that’s in essence how meditation works, quite a mental job indeed.

 

So, we’re all here learning how to actually in-fact live, this is the process – we’re all in this together at the same level and so we simply are here to walk and live and share and support ourselves within it.

This is where we’re currently at walking as a group of people that are willing themselves to live and let go/stop/terminate all the illusion of this world – that’ll in essence will eventually expand to changing the current world system as part of this realization on physical-tangible living wherein no more super imposed caps exist on life.

 

No more mental-limitations to what is HERE as Life.

 

Let’s continue breath-walking


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