Tag Archives: experiences

583. Intimacy Starts Within

Or how to share oneself in an open and unconditional manner with others after living self-intimacy for oneself first.

I’ll share a about an experience that opened up while I was communicating with someone about a subject or topic that I had not particularly shared about with anyone else before, therefore already holding this ‘charge’ within myself of sharing something quite ‘intimate’ or ‘secret’ within me that I had not opened up before or shared about myself with others because of having existed in a relationship of shame, regret and therefore secrecy towards it.

Here I created a predisposition of perceiving that what I was sharing with the person was ‘more meaningful’ or more ‘intimate’ than other topics, like imposing an idea of specialness towards it instead of simply sharing it for what it is – though it’s understandable here in my case considering that it’s the kind of experience one initially has when ‘opening up’ a rather ‘sensitive’ topic or what one has defined as ‘sensitive’ or ‘intimate’ or ‘secret’ aspect of ourselves to another, which I have in a way identified as ‘being intimate’ with another, which I’d say cannot really exist as such within an aura of specialness, but a simple seeing within self first and then sharing it with another, which is what I was doing in that moment according to my starting point.

So when I was sharing about this aspect of myself that I had already defined as  ‘I am sharing this for the first time with another’ there I was kind of already making it something ‘more’ than what it is in in fact in my head, which is also the reason why I had not shared about it before – and I noticed how the other person was looking away or dealing with something else in that moment,  which I communicated to see if there was something to be attended on in order to ‘get past it’ and kind of ‘get the focus back on myself’ but in that insta-moment what was triggered within me was a very old pattern in my life where I’ve believed, perceived or assumed that others don’t really want to hear me/my story/my ‘depth’ or what I have to open up or share, in all the detail that I share it with and what I activate is a perception of ‘others not being interested in what I have to share about me/myself/some deep stuff’ and have used that before to then react in ‘shutting down’, meaning refraining or stopping myself from sharing, so tending to suppress more– which I’ve also defined as ‘moments of intimacy’ that become thwarted according to this idea belief, perception or interpretation of ‘not being interested, don’t pay attention, so rather not do it at all’, or ‘not relevant for them,’ or they seem bored by it, etc.

The solution is to rather ask, be direct and share what is being experience in the moment, communicate about it if it’s a point of communication being built with someone that is at a more personal and yes in depth level. Otherwise within assumptions and suppressions one can build up large chunks of ‘unprocessed’ stuff that becomes a source of further emotions if not opened up and dealt with within oneself and shared with the other person as a point of shared awareness.

 

Due to how I’ve perceived this to be a ‘common thing’ in various relationships-partners and friendships before, I triggered it again which causes an experience of being ‘irrelevant, not important, not interesting, worthless to give attention to’ which at the same time holds underlying points of seeking some kind of ‘full attention/consideration’ that I had not given to myself either, which played out in the way I focused more on ‘supporting people’ or making myself ‘needed’ by another in a relationship or ‘finding ways out there to sort out the world’ but missing out these key self-aspects: giving, doing, being these points for myself first!

 

Also here it’s relevant to clarify this point of intimacy and being ‘intimate’ with another and how upon reacting to something I see on the other I went into a ‘shut down’ or assumption of ‘they don’t really want to hear’ which would be a source of self-pity and ‘no one understands me’ type of experience that is experienced as a remnant of the past, even though I actually have quite some enjoyment in opening and disclosing all of these points to myself as well, which proves that yes even one single thought invested into the ‘pop-up’ of the pattern, can trigger these old patterns which I’ve been seeing now are linked to various memories and what I’ve defined as ‘bitter situations’ in the past.

And due to that insta-reaction, the usual ‘next step’ was to – in the past – consider ‘ah they’re not interested in getting to know me or ‘be intimate” which is an externalization of what I had not lived for myself/given myself as full attention, self-appreciation and self-worth. Here’s then how intimacy is in fact into-me-I-see as learned through the Desteni material, where we can in fact first focus on getting to know ourselves, seeing within me, getting to understand me, appreciate me, honor me, enjoy me rather than expecting another person to do and be this for me, to ‘see me’ in the exact same way and ‘depth’ that I would like them to see me, but it’s practically not possible to do this in the reality we are in, where yes as much as we can share ourselves through words and actions, no other person will ever be in our exact same body/life experience all the way with ourselves as we have been for ourselves, and that’s merely a fact of life that leads me to remember to be ok with seeing within me, getting to know me, getting to appreciate me in all the things that I see, realize, get to understand and surely, share as much as I can through words and interactions with others, but without creating an expectation of a certain regard or experience from another towards it, and that’s where ‘sharing unconditionally’ is also the solution.

So yep, it all starts with an assumption, perception, idea of what the other is experiencing to which then I react in shutting down / keeping things to myself.  I’ve also been in the position of being directly told ‘I don’t care to hear that/ don’t want to hear about that’ which I would have a hard time with as in sadness emerging, like ‘shutting up a kid’ type of experience, which is as far as it goes in my case having been  a very talkative person since I was very young, lol, not really understanding that yes it might have gotten to be annoying for some at the time, but it’s definitely the kind of ‘deeply rooted’ reactions that led me to see myself as insignificant, worthless, not important, ‘I’d rather die/go away because I’m only a bother here’ type of thoughts. This goes back to childhood times – so, it all resulted in me generally ‘being there’ for others in relationships, only ‘hearing them’ because of perceiving that my stuff was not relevant, was boring, uninterested by perceiving any physical movement in the other as a reaction to what I was saying- while at the same time yearning to open myself up and having someone ‘be interested in me’ in the same way I may find myself and others fascinating to get to know or understand.

However here it’s not about now seeking another to say ‘yes you are interesting’ or ‘I am interested in what you have to say’ because then the point is missed. The point is not really about ‘another’ but about self and realizing how one creates ideas, experiences and expectations towards things that only we, individually, within ourselves can get to see in full scope. It is yes, kind of unfortunate in a way that we cannot yet see ourselves in ‘all dimensions’ and get to see the core of each other and in all transparency, because in essence we cannot do that for or towards others because we haven’t in fact done and walked that for ourselves first, and that’s then the principle of self-intimacy first.

 

So even if there were times when another person in fact wasn’t interested, or was in fact genuinely wanting to ‘slip away’ from the conversation – it’s not about judging them or judging ourselves for having had these reactions from others. I’ve learned to instead go into considering, understanding ‘who they are’ and what they were ‘into’ at the time and how for some individuals this kind of things might be too personal or too ‘intimate’ to discuss or ‘only pertaining me’ – which are all individual points to walk for each person, though I cannot ever change or control that, therefore it all goes back to what I can do and live for and as myself, which relates back to living self-intimacy first and then sharing myself with another unconditionally, no strings attached, no expectations, no preconceived ideas of what the other will say or how they will react back at it.

This is common sense in realizing that I cannot ask another to be in my head and be in that moment seeing all the ‘meaning’ or ‘depth’ that I’m seeing something within me that leads me to share it and expect the other person to receive it in that ‘equal meaningfulness’ or ‘depth’ that I am creating towards it. It’s kind of like the idea of ‘I’m bearing my soul here for you and you’re not interested in it’ type of experience and assumption  – and so learning that this is part of where I have to let go of any expectations and realize I can only share myself unconditionally.

 

I share it because I’ve definitely made that mistake of keeping things to myself before and not communicating about it, and what emerged in that moment was a distinctive experience, familiar if anything, from past situations that I simply have to practice walking through more and communicate about this situation so that next time I can open it up in the moment with the other person if they are also up for doing this kind of ‘alignments’ within themselves as well or in a relationship.

In doing so, sharing becomes also a one direction movement, where I share me without indirectly expecting the other to change or do anything about it, because that is entirely up to each one to do or act upon or not. Here it’s making sure that I am no longer expecting someone else to ‘fully understand me’ because that’s also still a point of ‘desiring to be appreciated, understood and known’ by someone else, instead of doing, giving and living that for myself first. So in essence being quite unconditional in what I share and continue cultivating openness because that’s what I enjoy and like to be, regardless of anything else I see in another. Of course if there are noticeable reactions I rather from now on ask and cross-reference rather than assuming, which is the key to stop making an ass-of-myself in assumptions.

There’s many times a fine line of whether ‘I should share this’ with the other person or not, but due to my tendency to rather ‘keep it to myself’ – which reads into self-pity, victimization and all of that pattern of suppression –  I for now decide do the opposite.

 Thanks for reading

 

Please check out this timely video by Sunette Spies for SOUL describing her process in walking through self-discovery:  Expanding Your Living Vocabulary – Part 1

 

 Living Roots

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE

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Day 23: E-cummulation

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become a being that will only ‘accept myself’ / my ‘who I am’ based on the extent/amount of energy-experience I accumulate/manifest as consume within/as myself”

Sunette Spies Accept and Allow – the Contract with Death: DAY 22

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define myself and my beingness as a limitation, a caging of self-expression into a confinement called experience wherein who I am was reduced to being a single word as the name of an experience that I could identify as ‘who I am,’ in order to think, believe and perceive that ‘this is who I am’ and according to such definition, thinking ‘I am alive’ –

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to never question or even ponder about the experiences that I became so automated to seek, such as a sense of satisfaction, a single thrill from going to places, meeting people, hearing music, watching/ observing the world wherein I created relationships as experiences wherein all that I would ever experience is myself as my own programmed energetic reactions as the definitions that I created in order to make me feel ‘good’ or ‘bad’ about myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with anything/ anyone in my world in order to keep myself occupied in a constant experience that I created about something/ someone as that constant fueling ‘toward’/ in the expectation of an experience within a certain event, within consuming something, within meeting someone, within going to a certain place, within buying something wherein it would always feel better to exists in such anticipation that would eventually wane once that such expectation was fulfilled in either a positive or negative result, and within this experience the ups and downs of my self created patterns of experiences that I defined myself as ‘living for.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to always seek a crutch to keep living/ keep going in my reality – whether it was waiting for school to end, waiting for vacations, waiting for a concert, wanting to meet someone, waiting to ‘be older’ and always future projecting these events that I would accumulate energy toward and when such events would be gone/ fulfilled/ completed, I would go just like a vampire seeking for another ‘energy source’ for my next high to accumulate energy to eventually have it dissipate once that the ‘target was met’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become a moment/ experience builder wherein through giving meaning and values to everything and everyone around me, I crafted my own networks of energetic resources to ‘sip from’ – and within this it is to be understood how we have not in fact ever lived, because we have only sought to get high from energy and energetic experiences in either a positive, negative or neutral spectrum wherein we are constantly feeding a ‘state of mind’ that is kept as a constant thinking in our heads and in that, not being aware of what is it that I am in fact doing to myself, because I cannot see how thoughts that I create require energy to exist and such energy is sipped from the food that I consume as the physical resources in order to keep my ‘personal mind-heaven’ going as a constant experience-seeker.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to fear losing the relationships that I had formed toward people/ things/ places/ past and present because of thinking that I would be ‘dead’ as a ‘vegetable,’ without realizing that who I am as Life doesn’t require and in fact is violated/ abused the moment that we use it and denigrate its wholeness as substance into a single energetic experience wherein I am defining myself as that experience that I believe is ‘fulfilling’ and ‘satisfactorily’ which is how  I accepted and allowed to continue ‘building up experiences’ as memories that I could keep in my mind to continue my dreams and desires going, believing that I was doing ‘no harm’ in following these experiences, even though I was aware of how the effect of such highs would lead me to a low that I would seek to get back on top again, and in that allow myself to exist in this vicious cycle of ups and downs and believing that when I was in a ‘neutral’ state, I was ‘stable’ no realizing that I was still simply waiting in the middle ground to have some positive or negative experience to wind up my energetic self-experience again.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to judge the point of ‘stopping the mind’ as being dead and being ‘idle’ without realizing that the idleness that I would experience was self-created through thinking patterns of not getting ‘enough’ positive experiences and not being able to take me down to the bottom of the extreme negative out of fear of who I would become-  therefore idleness was a constant state of seeking and fearing myself as experiences, that I would cover up or maintain in a perceived ‘nothingness’ status quo, without realizing that I was in fact thinking myself into it, and still only defining myself as that experience of ‘nothingness’ without realizing that I was not really Here, breathing as my physical body – I was simply in a limbo position wherein self-direction was non existent.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my self direction and self-will to the will of who I am as what I have defined myself within the context of experiences as positive, negative and evidently neutral experiences wherein my beingness became a ‘state of being,’ wherein ‘who I am’ became a single definition according to ‘how I am experiencing myself’ and in this, never really considering that the physicality that I am and exist as is in fact the reality of myself – simply because of having accepted these energetic experiences as ‘who I am,’ and within this perceiving breathing, being here as being dead. The world is in reverse.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into moments of yearning to ‘experience’ something which is just like a drug addict that yearns to have another fix, just because of realizing to what extent we have defined who we are according to an experience, a rush, an ‘elevation’ that can only last for so long wherein the rest of this reality is absolutely side viewed and disregarded, because I accepted and allowed myself to only care about me, my satisfaction and this becoming part of the army of egotism as a ‘lifestyle’ wherein we as human being compete against each other, create deliberate conflict in order to be on top of others, deliberate cheat and lie to become ‘better’ than others in our own minds – and i f such results are not fulfilled, we veer to a negative reinforcement wherein the opposite experiences are embraced in order to get the same energetic experience yet within a not so popular way of creating our own personal heaven, which is how paraphilias and so called mental fetishisms are created, as such ‘special relationships’ that are not broadly accepted as ways to trigger out emotions/ feelings just the same way that light and love is broadly accepted as an energy trigger.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could not be ‘someone’ unless  I was valued, worthy, recognized, appraised by others which meant that without the experiences that I would get from such relationships, I would perceive myself as non-existent, just because of the extent that I had delegated everything that I am as a physical breathing human body to only be running on energetic experiences at a mind level, wherein suffering or any perceived depression was equally satisfactory in a reversed manner, wherein I would get a kick out of that which is gloomy and depressive and sad/ dismal/ lugubrious/ obscure – without ever considering that I was living just the opposite side of seeking happiness, bliss, love, light and all the positive aspects that I deemed as ‘socially acceptable,’ which meant that my energetic-drive was a constant opposition toward that which was socially acceptable as good/ benevolent, which came from me designing myself a deliberate disruption to a perceived perfect world and stable environment, which means that

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to always want to get an energetic experience the moment that I perceived that ‘nothing was going on,’ which asserted me as only being ‘existent’ and ‘alive’ if I was desiring, looking forward to, expecting, seeking, wanting, desiring, as these energetic hooks that I would extend to something/ someone in order to keep that mind-relationship in place that I could use at any given moment to trigger a positive or negative experience out of, without ever realizing that I was merely confirming that negative experienced that ensued the moment that I separated myself form the whole in this individualization of ‘who I am’ as only a definition, an idea of self, a set of preferences and dislikes that can only exists as a particular configuration of ‘who I am’ wherein all actions, thoughts, deeds had a calculated outcome/ effect according to my input/ placing myself as the cause to obtain a result, which is what lead me to become like a hunter or a vampire in my reality wherein everything that I would say/ do/ think and live out would be in order to get an experience out of what I perceived others would do/ say/ convey as a result of my input, wherein I became an actual energy-hunter with strategies and energy-triggers that I embodied as ‘who I am,’ in order to get people’s attention and at the same time, be rejecting such attention which is the typical love-hate polarity game that we play in order to keep our poles as energetic devices that run on energy, which is what I used my physical body to do, just an energy transformer to fulfill my mind-elations.

 

 

“we’ve become beings within existence, that only exist for as long as we can power/empower ourselves from/of the transforming of our beingness substance into/as Energy – limiting the ‘time’ of our existence to the equation of the relationship between our substance and the consuming of that substance into energy. Where in the very nature/manifestation within ourselves as manifested-singularities in the beginning, we’d come into being as an individualized part/expression of/as substance, but immediately proceed with the processes of consuming our own substance/life and transforming it into energy. And as we continue within that process, we’re consuming our own ‘life’.” Sunette Spies [a]

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to get used to being constantly seeking and experiencing ‘something’ as giving name to that self-created and maintained experience at a mind level toward my reality and people wherein within this self-idealization as separate from the rest, all that was left for me to do is giving names, categorizing, assessing, valuing, devaluing this reality into a way that I could claim was ‘my own life’ as ‘my opinion’ about the world, as ‘my perspective’ as ‘my mind’ that I sought to have people ‘respect’ because I had taken the time to dissociate myself in specific elitist manners wherein not everything/ everyone could be part of my ‘specialized world’ in my mind wherein only ‘special beings’ and ‘special people’ and ‘special traits’ would be regarded as worthy of being in my mind-trophy wall of points that would make me feel good about myself/ others and the world as a point of relationship/ separation from who I really am, wherein I was making the statement of ‘I am an individual that exists as this specific configuration of separation as relationships that trigger a positive or negative experience within me, wherein I am nothing else but these experiences that I get from naming, identifying, judging, valuing, assessing others and everything in separation of myself, which is how I had lived as a knowledge and information robot that disregarded the very life essence that would allow such thoughts, such schemes, such experiences to continue as thoughts  in my head that would turn into experiences that would turn into ‘who I am’ in any given moment.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to live for and drive myself to seek the most ‘original ways’ as usually understood as that desire to be as ‘singular/ special/ unique’ as possible wherein deliberate fascinations as relationships to what which wasn’t ‘socially acceptable/ embraced’ became ‘my point of fascination’ wherein I believed that I was ‘unlike anyone else’ because no one that I knew would have the same likes and preferences, and in this, I felt ‘special’ and ‘rivalry-safe’ wherein anyone that could seemingly present a similar pattern of likes/ preferences in my world, I would immediately identify as a potential rival/ enemy that I had to overcome and out-do in any possible way, which implied I had to go a notch higher to identify myself with a more ‘extreme’ version of that which defined ‘who I am’ in order to always be able to remain as a ‘winner’ within the idea of who I am toward my environment and others in it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to always put all effort, time and money to make of any experience within my life something that I could call ‘memorable’ as the creation and energy-input that I would give in order to get the most ‘fulfilling effect’ out of it, as a memory that I could keep/ cherish for further ‘remembrance’ as in being able to re-live that energy as ‘who I am’ in any given moment, just like the mechanism of revamping experiences through memories and get the same ‘experience’ that I had initially decided I would imprint such memory with, wherein my memories became ‘my life,’ the definition of me as events, people, places, words, things as the e-ccumulation of myself as this energized personality as my ego, as ‘my precious’ that I had carefully crafted in order to eventually, someday, be ‘proud of who I am’ as a lifetime achievement of these positive experiences that could make me feel like ‘more’ than who I am as the simplicity of a physical body here, that I never ever regarded as the actuality of who I really am, and instead having lived the exact opposite wherein ‘all that I was’ was this collection of memories, events, experiences that I could re-live/ re-vamp through bringing the memory here and getting the same energetic experience out of it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever believe that ‘who I am’ is this accumulation of energy as memories, experiences and ideas of myself in order to eventually be able to judge my life as successful, miserable or plain/ dull according to the expectations as dreams that I had set up for myself while growing up, wherein the pursuit of happiness was reinforced in school when having to write about our future and ‘where would we see ourselves in’ wherein if one would not achieve such dreams, I would deem my life as a failure; without realizing that it is within these future projections to ‘fulfill my dreams’ that I accepted and allowed myself to continue supporting the same system of incentives and rewards as ‘living’ wherein the accumulation of ‘who I am’ can be eventually considered as a successful living or not within my own mind and at the eyes of others.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘miss out on life’ because of constantly talking myself into an experience and seeking for some experience deliberately either positive or negative but ‘experiencing’ something as I feared my non-thinking and non-existence as not being experiencing something, which is the exact opposite of what is actually real, wherein being here breathing, moment by moment is living and any diversion from the physical moment as breathing, is indicating me a point of relationship as an experience that I have created within myself in separation of who I am.

I realize that within being here as a whole, I don’t require to ‘accept’ myself as something as I am it, – therefore I see the importance of walking all past relationships as the very manifestation of separation-codes that I created toward ‘others’ in my reality as a reference of my relationships toward everything/ everyone to keep my ‘personality’ in place, wherein I had to ‘have an opinion’ have an experience toward everything and everyone in order to be able to ‘relate to them,’ which was diminishing ‘who I am’ as a character seeking to establish relationships of acceptance/ rejection of others in separation of self, a complete cycle of segregation from the wholeness that I have neglected as who I really am.

 

I commit myself to walk my relationships as the point of responsibility that I hold toward myself as the whole as the points that I have created and deliberately participated in ensuing separation within the acceptance of me as a character/ personality/ ego that ‘had to’ have an experience toward reality, otherwise I would be seen as ‘character-less’ and ‘bland’ and ‘dead’ which is how I accepted to play the games of society to always be either in a positive or a negative experience for the sake of complying to what we have socially accepted as ‘living’ as being either happy/ fulfilled/positive experience or miserable/ depressed/negative experience, as the polarities that would invariably go up and down in each being’s life in order to maintain a polarized reality that would generate enough energy to keep our ‘heaven’ in place as a custom-made paradise that would apparently fulfill our dreams/ our lives as a reward of living an accumulation of good deeds within the score-kept to eventually believe that I could be ‘more’ at the end of my life than who I really am, which is ludicrous in nature – yet as real as the consequences/ effect of my initial belief within this energetic system as ‘who I am.’

 

I commit myself to walk the necessary writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application to walk my relationships as points of separation into ‘giving back to myself’ as the reintegration of myself as who I really am wherein all reactions created toward ‘another’ are recognized as self and as such, given-back to finally stop participating in generating energy to continue living as a e-ccumulation of experiences as ‘who I am,’ which is correcting my living from ego/ as energy experiences into an earthing-grounding-birthing myself as a physical being that does not require to thrive on energy to exist – but only establish equal agreements toward everything and everyone within the necessary relationships that we are currently existing as Life in this reality.

 

That implies that a practical way to stop all friction, all positive reinforcement and negative devaluing is through equalizing Money in this reality to finally recognize each other as equal-parts of who I am, as equal-cells of the body that I exist as wherein I realize within common sense how it is the only way that we can continue living in this world, otherwise cancer is created as an over-growth that indicates negligence toward the whole as who I am. For this the Equal Money System is the solution that will equalizing the playing field within humanity to start acknowledging each other as equals, while walking our individual processes of re-educating ourselves to grasp, understand and live the law of our being as equality as a living realization of who we really are.

 

 

I realize that keeping myself within the existence of ‘who I am’ as energy, I am ensuring my own depletion as keeping my ego in place implies I must consume the earth to exist as I am defining the ‘who I am’ in separation of the whole, which is how this reality has become the egofication as the fixations that we created and accepted as ourselves within our minds as experiences toward all in separation of ourselves. Thus for me to establish an equal and one recognition, I set agreements wherein no abuse is possible as such separation will recede as I walk a process of self-forgiveness to give myself back to myself, reintegrating myself to all the parts that I have defined myself in separation of.

 

 

Last Man on Earth

Last Man on Earth 2009

“The World-System of Money is consuming the very life of/as this physical existence, only because it’s on an existential scale it takes longer than what we do within ourselves and our own human physical bodies, where instead of this existence being manifested within the equal and one support of life and living – the World-System of Money is consuming this physical existence to its slow, sure but certain death. Rotting ourselves away from the inside and out, as we have become the very enzymes within our relationship to substance/physical as our relationships creations of energy that deteriorate and break-down substance/physical-tissue for our own survival as Energy-Consuming machines: Rotting ourselves away within and without – instead of standing equal-to and one with substance/physicality to produce life/living…” Accept and Allow – the Contract with Death: DAY 22

 

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2012 Self Forgiveness: How-To, Why, What, Where, When?

So, I’m watching Desteni videos – I am going one after the other looking for the ‘magic code’ that I can use to essentially deprogram myself now that I’ve understood that we have been preprogrammed Mind Consciousness Systems and we require to do something about it! I definitely don’t want to remain just as another ‘consciousness robot’ that’s not living, but only killing time – What do I have to do? – Where do I find the way out? – What’s the secret?’  these were my thoughts 4 years ago.

Initially I got so freaked out by watching the videos and hearing the words ‘STOP THE MIND’ so many times, that I feared ending up in like a vegetative state. I thought that this process was simply impossible and wondered how on Earth will I go on through my life with ‘No Mind’! I admit here that I was very gullible, that’s probably one of the reasons why I indulged into so much bullshit (spirituality and conspiracy theories) that I researched right before getting to Desteni. With having this ‘background,’  I didn’t take into consideration what was actually meant by ‘stopping the mind,’ and only allowed myself to get into what I now call ‘the whiner experience’ wherein I created a turmoil of thoughts, giving up on myself even before I started. This was due to this process being seemingly  impossible at first glance: ‘too much’, ‘unbearable’, ‘How will I do this?’ – It worried me for a while, lol, all part of the same mind-experience created within myself.

Within this state of enraged-pity, I sent a message to the guys at Desteni explaining my situation, how I was literally ‘losing my mind’ by realizing that I had to stop my mind – and wondered how will I live, what will I be? Etc. The reply that I got from them was, to my surprise, of such simplicity and obviousness that I literally laughed out loud while reading it, as I realized how usual this experience had been throughout my life: it was my mind throwing a tantrum, the mind’s defense mechanism to not have to go through this process = it’s not who I really am as life the one that’s complaining! So, this point became an initial realization: stopping myself from being the whiner. Ever since then I have shared that video with anyone that experiences the same point of it all being seemingly ‘impossible’ to walk through, only to realize that it’s the mind’s survival mechanism kicking-in and literally crying out for help when realizing: we’re about to debunk its kingdom.

Once I got over my initial reactions, I simply continued watching the material.

Self Forgiveness ?

I constantly heard the words Self-Honesty, Self-Forgiveness, Writing, Breathing, Self Corrective Application in the videos, which I inferred was ‘the way to go.’ I began assessing my then ‘values’ and ‘stance’ toward such words.

I was a ‘pro-Honesty’ person within the understanding of what ‘being Honest’ is/means in the system, which could have been like declaring war toward another being or country in a ‘rational and logical’ manner, and be considered as ‘being honest’ by ‘speaking the truth of their intentions’ without ever considering what’s best for all in such words/ decisions. I had considered myself to be a ‘frank person’ within those parameters, not really considered ‘what’s best for all’ in such a honest self-created idea of myself.  So, this is how I began opening eyes to what SELF-Honesty was, which made sense to me in every bit of it.

Writing was something I had been doing at the time – yet definitely using it as a reinforcement of my own personalities wherein poems or lyrics to songs I never sang would come through, lol – in essence, I wrote to form and shape my personality, just like a sculpture that I was busy creating of myself as a nice idea that I could wear. Those writings became the ‘code’ so to speak, wherein I would reassure to myself ‘who I was’ and why I thought in a particular way, why I liked or disliked the world.  I didn’t really write to get me out of my self-created‘hole,’ but rather reinforced it and justified it as ‘a way of living.’ This was all I would write about at that time.

When realizing what the process consisted of, I understood that this had to be developed in order to ‘change the world.’ I had no problem in directing such points into a ‘one and equal’ understanding, but… Self Forgiveness? All types of judgments went on inside me along with the usual questions like: ‘Why do I have to forgive myself?’ ‘Why can’t I just ‘let it go/ stop it?’ – ‘Isn’t that a religious thing?’ – ‘Isn’t there just another way to do this (process) instead of having to write out this format-like sentences to correct myself?’ I was very skeptical and even went to the extent of fearing ‘deprogramming myself,’ fearing getting to a point of having ‘no control’ over myself = essentially fearing becoming a ‘self forgiven drone’ lol, without actually realizing at the time that I was already Not ‘in control’ of myself and that I was a mind-driven being that had never actually lived.

We tend to get overwhelmed by the sole idea of having to forgive ourselves for everything that we’ve lived-as thus far and forgive ourselves as the entire world for that matter. This was only an initial mind-experience that we then fear ‘getting ourselves into,’ because it just seems ‘too much’ and we go into self-pity experiences of ‘I can’t possibly do this’, I went through a breakdown due to having to let go of my ideas of there being a ‘quick fix’ to this reality, or even some type of God existing to which I could ‘connect to’ and get to a ‘greater self-experience.’ This was all part of the mindfuck that was required to be stopped in the first place.

So I said to myself, I can’t go on as I am we’ve got to stop the world and for that we begin with ourselves. At first it seemed really petty to have this as a reason to do so, I still held secret desires on a magic wand doing the job for me wherein I would only have to ‘apply self forgiveness’ as in writing it out and the problem would be solved – later on I found out what it really was all about.

I got my shoes on, let’s walk this!

I went on to the forum just to see what Self Forgiveness was after spending the first weeks just trying to get used to the idea of me applying Self Forgiveness – initially it seemed like a repetitive drone of words wherein I would have to go through every bit of my memories, my ‘life’ and apply Self Forgiveness for it. It seemed extensive, in my mind there was like an immediate ‘No way! That is impossible’ within forming ideas of having to then spend the rest of my days applying Self Forgiveness non-stop, lol. That’s the ‘extremist’ aspect of the personality I continue exploring through writing and stopping within this process.

After reading the very first examples on Self Forgiveness by Jack, I sat on my bed in the afternoon and began reading. I saw myself in the awkward position of reading along those statements aloud for the very first time in my life. . I probably even blushed to myself, even if I was absolutely alone, it was just so ‘not me’ to be forgiving myself considering that I had lived as a self-righteous person that thinks, believes everything I do is ‘word’ and cannot be wrong. The single act of sitting down and reading self forgiveness was an immediate humbling moment, it was already being like a hand grenade blown toward my ego: it was about to be blown up for life.

One of the first points that I walked through self forgiveness was exposing the mind’s limitations and fears and any other emotion/feeling attached to beginning this process in itself. I literally had created this surreal scenario of ‘me walking process’ wherein I saw myself as a zombie passing by ‘regular people’ on the streets and simply having to remain ‘blank’ the whole time. Nope, that was my own misconception that was later on part of my own fears blowing Process out of proportion – laughing at it was a cool way to shed the point off and simply get myself to start writing,  committing myself to myself to life no matter what.

WHAT?

Okay, so… what is this supposed to do now? I’m now free from god? from the female ego? and I’m now Self Honest?” Lol, my first ideas on Self Forgiveness were linked to this being a process wherein I would be doing some type of magic spell by simply stating the words/ writing myself out and having it all ‘cleared up’– let’s say that the entire aspect of having to Live Self Forgiveness wasn’t really understood at that time. So, I decided to apply the point of being unconditional about it, I had nothing to lose.

I proceeded to first start writing a point out to see ‘how it worked’ which was working with the most prominent experiences I had in that moment. I wasn’t even participating that much at the time in the forums, I just focused on setting this foundation for myself, because I knew this was the way to walk the process, to stand up for life and finally stop my mind – I ‘knew’ it, yet it had to be walked and self-realized.

I noticed how at first it all seemed so repetitive – ‘Why can’t I just say ‘I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself’ once and then just name the whole list and ‘get over with it’?’ – I was still looking for the ‘fast and accurate’ way out of it, took some time to grasp what I was actually doing as ‘Forgiving myself’ after applying the usual ‘fake it till you make it’ wherein words don’t seem to mean anything – and in fact, they won’t! Unless you Live them. This was the ‘aha-moment’ that I had to walk and discover for myself through the actual application of it in time.

I must say that the judgment toward the word forgiveness remained even after a while into writing and process. To me it was like a silent-cringe inside me whenever I would hear myself forgiving myself, because of having these concepts of religion and priests and the entire religious-construct along with the word ‘forgiveness.’ It was just plain icky at the beginning.

Key-point here: I hadn’t applied Self Forgiveness for judging the word Self-Forgiveness in itself and clearing out the associations toward it. I had to see how the ‘awkwardness’ was linked to this memory of that one and only time that I ever ‘confessed myself’ to a priest, which remained like a very bitter experience in my life, almost like having to swallow a medicine that leaves a very bad taste in your mouth for a while. The priest spoke the word ‘forgiveness’ and so to me that had just left a stigma toward that word. I never went to confess myself again and in my mind, applying self forgiveness was like confessing my ‘dark deeds’ to myself, which I saw as a cool point in terms of not having to resort to telling my stuff to someone in order to be ‘absolved from my sins.’ Then I realized what a nice trick religion had created in order to be the ‘only ones’ that can endow you with such ‘god-given right to forgive you,’ whereas Self-Forgiveness implied: I can do it myself –  awesome, way to go to debunk faith and beliefs.

I applied self forgiveness on feeling ‘icky’ and weird and judging the word forgiveness and self forgiveness in itself – the whole lot of points that went opening up as I went writing out the sentences around thoughts like ‘why do I have to forgive myself,’ ‘why forgiveness sounds like something priests do to others,’ forgiveness related to god, forgiveness related to me having done something ‘wrong’, forgiveness as in ‘asking someone forgiveness’ and even ideas on this being a humiliating process and embarrassing even for myself alone.

When beginning process I also  noticed how I also wanted to ‘get over with my past shit and move on’ which I did through writing it all out and sharing it as a form of also demonstrating something to someone of my own application – in a way following an ‘ideal’ of clearing myself fro such ‘sins’ as soon as possible. This is not something that was ‘wrong’ or anything. simply I found out in that process how we find our own way to establish ourselves through process in a ‘trial and error’ manner.

In my case it was mostly through writing that I opened up points to apply Self Forgiveness for,  having that ‘freedom to write’ wherein I’d share all the apparent trivial points of my days. I would experience certain blockages while writing out self forgiveness whenever I would jump in my mind into an idea of ‘myself within process’ wherein we believe that we are doing something that will make us ‘better,’ make us ‘more’ in any way – Nope, not at all. I quote a sentence that came through a chat  once“The Self as life has no language or Skill yet.” Realizing the humbleness required to walk this process was quite a cool point within it all,  as it allowed me to stop having to ‘uphold’ a particular idea of myself I had been bound myself for my entire life as living up to the ‘highest standard’ possible at an intellectual level.

I had to let go of this ego-formed around been specific and effective within my application – it is still being stopped whenever it rears its head. I realized that it could only feed yet another ‘ideal’ of myself becoming something/ someone ‘better’ instead of simply realizing that self-honest application here will not enhance any egos, but only reveal/ expose and function as support to direct ourselves into an actual practical physical living realization of who we really are, supporting us to take off the blindfold to see what we all really are.

WHY ?

The simplest reason I can name of why I came to apply Self Forgiveness was to simply get to actually Live. I understood we can’t possibly go on as we have in this world,  we have to stop what we’ve accepted and allowed within ourselves and actually get to the realization that it is in fact possible to create a new world if each individual that is willing to stand up for life, dedicates themselves to themselves, to live a process wherein Life is considered in all aspects as one and equal – always.

I wanted to stop being the same self-deprecating system with all these habits and obsessions and desires to know and obtain any form of ‘truth’ to create a ‘meaning to life.’ When I heard that Self Forgiveness was the way to first of all STOP all of those delusions to then live, I realized that I had to ‘test this out for myself’, I couldn’t just continue watching the material and absorbing all the knowledge and information for the delight of my own witty-ego satisfaction, no.

I initially went ‘full-on’ applying Self Forgiveness and had a heavy-duty time with it with writing out a lot. I was still having this ‘urge’ to get something done, to ‘get it done’ and be finally ‘here’ with “no-mind” and being finally free, I was still applying Self Forgiveness from that starting point of achieving something, not really realizing what I was doing was part of the process of first getting to establish Self Honesty within myself.

I realized how this process is not about ‘bettering ourselves’ or ‘personal growth’ but simply the realization of what we are actually able and capable of living-as, directing ourselves toward our optimum-state and living in our fullest potential. This all made sense to me as the way this world and reality ‘should have always been’ – I saw how the point that was in between us from realizing our actual ability to stop and correct ourselves had only been ourselves as the mind. We are the only ones standing on our way– this is paraphrasing Bernard. All the ‘lostness’ thoughts began to diminish, because I saw that I had only ‘gotten lost’ according to the thoughts that I had given space and many breaths away to exist as ‘who I am,’ I then realized to what extent this had been my own creation and how I had to take self responsibility for it.

I suggest reading the blog ‘How I was able to Hear Desteni’ for further details about these first days of encountering it. Even though it all sounded extremely weird to me, I decided to ‘give it a try’ simply because I had already gone through other processes in trying to ‘make myself feel better’ which had not really been effective or with ‘long lasting effects’ just like the temporary bridge they were. I decided to apply Self Forgiveness in part also to see ‘what it was all about’ and not allow me to only formulate ideas/ beliefs about it without testing it for myself.

HOW ?

The initial experience within applying Self Forgiveness was fueled  with regret, shame and guilt when realizing what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to exist-as in this world, and how we had – within such possession-  created a world of hatred and separation. Myself being the +1 point that supported such depression,  anxiety, walking with this constant judgmental view on the world  that I allowed myself to be and become.  I walked through my reality seeking for experiences, people, drugs or anything that could allow me to ‘grasp’ this reality, to not feel ‘lost’ and apparently gaining some type of ‘higher status’ to be special, to at least ‘know’ any form of ‘truth’ within this reality that would make me feel like there was a ‘point’ in this existence –  though I could only continue seeing  that nothing made sense.

This is almost a ‘normal thing’ to go-through when realizing all the moments that we’ve spent in our little bubbles secluded from the rest of the world. Thus I initially rushed in means of ‘clearing my name/image’ as soon as possible. I had the idea that it was all about writing the self forgiveness out in one go, and then being ‘clear/ absolved’ of it forevermore. No, that was only my ego once again wanting to ‘shove it all away’ as fast as I could to regain a certain ‘peace of mind’ and be done with it –  it was just another attempt to regain the experience of ‘everything is fine,’ without really grasping how this was a process to be lived for a lifetime.

Self Forgiveness can only support us in identifying the points that we have to correct ourselves,  yet as we know, this takes the actual physical integration of that which I vow to stand for, Self as the starting point in all ways = walking the talk.

It was through the support through forums, Bernard, Sunette and everyone else participating at Desteni that I realized that Desteni was no quick fix, that it would take the actual living-application of it, that I had to actually walk-it, live-it, fall and rise again, make mistakes as many as I had to in order to get to know which road Not to follow – I realized that I actually required to DO THIS, that this was no prayer or magic wand wherein I could just simply spell nice words and pretend all is well – no.

I also had to see how I had never ever done this as it’s not a preprogrammed thing to do. I realized that it wouldn’t come as a single easy decision wherein you chose from one color to another, but that it would take an actual self-commitment and self-will to prove if what was being shared with regards to Self Forgiveness in Self Honesty and writing ourselves to freedom was actually supportive. Till this day I can say: yes it is, absolutely.

At times I would be quite overwhelmed with all the points I would go opening up through Self Forgiveness. It was a process wherein through writing and making it a consistent point within my every day living, it became a habit, a cool habit to start getting to know myself, to see where and how it is required to apply self forgiveness, how to apply self forgiveness for the experiences of the day. I mean, to me writing became like the most enjoyable part of the day and till this day, If I don’t write a day it would be because I’m absolutely sick or something – even if I don’t write blogs on a daily basis, I am continually writing somewhere in the internet or for myself in a notebook. It’s become part of myself – and it’s a very coo habit to develop a point of self-communication wherein we are able to ground ourselves as self-support and share it whenever we can with others as well. Writing and words are the key to this reality – and this is a Destonian realization, we are proving it for ourselves as we walk.

All in all, Self Forgiveness was a trial and error process initially, wherein I virtually began applying Self Forgiveness for everything and all that I noticed in my environment, in my thoughts, in the world – it’s cool though because that’s how I got to discern what is common sense, what is Self Honesty, what are points that I have to open up further and how eventually applying/ living Self Forgiveness would imply the ‘actual doing’/ walking of all of these statements.

This was finally something that I had to ‘make it work’ = it was no quick fix or magical wand as I had desired it initially to be – that’s when I began ‘meeting my maker’ for real, because Self Forgiveness became ‘the way’ to start seeing what the hell on Earth I was thinking and going through at all times as the inner chatter that I had dared to call ‘my best friend.’

WHEN ?

Once I started grasping Self Honesty, I saw that I could no longer be fooling myself with playing the same old ‘me’ when I had clearly set out the reasons, excuses and justifications for me being/ becoming a particular way – the self-interest, the narcissism, the arrogance, the self-inflated ego, the obsessions, the self-created delusions were out and in the open now, I could not fool myself nor did I want to continue deceiving myself. I can openly say now that it is through applying and living Self Forgiveness that I found what Self-Respect is, what actually establishing Self-Trust is based on one’s own writings and realizations and practical-living application of such realizations as well.

The moment that I saw that even after leaving behind all the idea of myself I was still ‘Here,’ fears started vanishing – and I continued walking no matter what. Self Forgiveness became ‘the way of living’ from the perspective of being able to correct myself when seeing ‘the point’ that was missed in a moment wherein – yes – a breath was missed.

Breathing through resistances to bring-through a point within Self Forgiveness, breathing through the initial judgment that may come whenever we expose to ourselves a point that we had suppressed and not looked at out of embarrassment, shame, guilt or fear – breathing through reactions is the way to go once you see the same points emerging after having applied self forgiveness for the point, such as my initial judgment toward Self-Forgiveness in itself.

I remember once buying myself an only-self-forgiveness bloc of notes and the day that I had finished writing on the very last page, I felt ‘so cool’ about it, I planned to save it for the posterity lol – I lost it that same day at the bus station, I realized that such process was not to be ‘cherished’ and that it wasn’t about creating a collection of self-forgiveness, but actually walking through the process of living it, living the correction that I had seen through my writings that I had to stop, correct, align within the principle of what’s best for all. Eventually I understood that I could write heaps – yet if it wasn’t applied, then it was absolutely useless.

I also saw how any ‘good feeling’ I could get out of applying Self Forgiveness, was a mind generated experience and had to be stopped.

When getting specific support on the point through the Tree of Life I realized how ‘my past was still haunting me’ literally and how I was creating an actual experience of rushing or even anxiety in wanting to ‘get rid of the fucker as soon as possible and be at peace,’ without actually realizing that I had to first let go of wanting to ‘overcome myself’ but simply face the points for what they are, self forgive and walk the process at the physical pace of breathing – moment by moment.

This ‘rush’ had to be stopped by first realizing that I had to clear myself from such thoughts of guilt, regret and shame that had emerged when writing myself to freedom, I wanted to ‘get over with it’ as soon as possible. I then realized that ‘there is nothing to attain’, there is nothing to ‘get to’ or ‘become’ – It is about realizing who/ what I really am,  that I am Here and I can’t define and limit myself within a perceived amount of time that I require to do this. So, rushing is linked to a self-competition through time against myself, against the personality I had become. So, forgiving myself for that became the pillar to walk in humbleness, to realize there is nothing to ‘attain’ or get, but is an actual walking-living self-realization that will be proven through our own participation in space and time in our reality.

This also included stopping the expectations or ideals of ‘who I will become once I have applied Self Forgiveness’ – making sure I didn’t form any self-grandeur within it, any ego enhancement as being then ‘more’ than others or now being ‘done’ with myself and not requiring to continue, that’d be rather another mindfuck to debunk indeed – and I remind myself of this every time that it is required. It is a constant living application. 

Living Self Forgiveness

I never knew how layered my personality was until I started applying Self Forgiveness

It was shocking to start seeing how I was essentially avoiding ‘mingling’ with people around me based on this idea/ personality I had of myself. I started realizing how I had become that which I had vehemently judged others for: I had become my own worst nightmare without ever noticing it. By this I mean a rather picky, elitist, judgmental, arrogant being that would only care to ‘spend time’ with those people that would ‘care’ about me as I did for them – conveniently so – I would not give a reverend fuck about the rest, I only cared about my little bubble. So, when applying self forgiveness and going understanding that this process was to expose myself for everything I had become, it initially was something I resisted, just because of fearing to face the reality that I had become, the actual  ‘true nature’ of myself while I had though of myself as being a nice and delightful person. This was then obviously out of still playing out my core-personality, instead of being fully unconditional within the application.

See, the cool thing about Self Forgiveness is that we realize that we’ve existed as patterns, patterns repeat by ‘nature/design’, we realize that due to the extent that we’ve lived as the mind, we will be facing layers upon layers of the same pattern in various different aspects of our reality. Thus, we know we can’t be ‘done with it’ in one go – we’ll in fact amalgamate ourselves to the physical as breath, moment by moment, walking with the necessary patience to go stopping and correcting ourselves. That is translated to simply being able to stop the mind, stop all unnecessary time-loops of repeating the same experiences over and over again, until we realize that we simply require to Stop, Self Forgive and let go of it. Sounds simple, yes, though it takes a constant application that becomes ‘who we are’ every time we stop ourselves from participating in the mind, in every moment that we do not participate in that which seems enticing and alluring to go into – that moment that we don’t ‘go there’ actually supports ourselves to ground ourselves in/as the physical, we prove to ourselves that we can actually do this, that it just takes one breath at the time and sufficient self-will to do it.

I never even thought that I would get to enjoy this process until I simply started living it. I would spend hours writing out self forgiveness because I saw it as a very effective way to go opening up points and almost ‘challenging’ me to transcend my fears of ‘oh no no don’t go in there!’ within my mind wherein I would have to kind of give myself an internal kick in the ass to write the point out. Embarrassment, shame, guilt, heaps of self judgment, self-hatred, a lot of judgments toward other people, the world – I was overwhelmed!  However, it was the most liberating point once it was ‘out’ like a physical relief from having now exposed this rotting corpse to myself, it no longer was this ‘dead talk’ inside my head lingering around, provoking me to go into certain moods or experiences that I would then dare to participate in and define as ‘who I am.’ These experiences began diminishing, simply because I could not kid myself into such thoughts after having extensively exposed them for what they are. Once the can of worms was opened, the can was empty and I filled it up with soil to grow something rather supportive for myself to live in common sense.

The specificity implied in the writing itself of Self Forgiveness has been a key point of support in order to learn how the mind works as a perfect-system for excuses and justifications to not take Self-Responsibility. Hence the only way to ‘tackle’ this problem is through walking an equally specific and perfected system of self correction, which is why Self Forgiveness is such a specific way to correct ourselves. Each word in the basic sentence as ‘I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself…’ is an absolute statement of taking Self Responsibility for having given our lives up to a mind-driven action that was done in inconsideration of who we are as one and equal.

Throughout the process of getting to know how Self Forgiveness works, participating in the forum, reading others’ posts became a pillar and vital point of feedback. I was pretty much amazed how any single action/ event was able to be directed by using the same tools – indistinctly – and how common sense is always able to be established in any given situation, by the fact that every action is exerted through a process wherein a process of decision making is involved: to act or not act – it is self-created and as such, it can be corrected.

How come we had missed this throughout time?

No Excuses: Life Cannot be Denied

I see Self Forgiveness as giving ourselves a second chance to live – to finally create ourselves as that which we see is and will be best for all as one and equal. This sounds ‘cool’ but living the words implies a life-dedication, a commitment toward ourselves that we support ourselves with and share with others. It is a way to expand our ability to see/ realize that who we really are had been caged in our own mind-traps and we are ready to take them all down for we have been the very creators of it all.

There is no ‘mystery ’in Self Forgiveness, it’s not a self-god-given right, it is about understanding that we stop ourselves from existing within a single point of definition or idea of ourselves that limits/ defines who we are, and living it out through first removing/ detaching ourselves from such memory, idea, thought, belief, picture and standing up from having accepted and allowed ourselves to remain limited within such conception of ourselves.

It’s about getting to know ourselves, to learn ‘how’ we function and  take Self-Responsibility for it, which is realizing and understanding  how there will be no miracles happening in order for us to correct what we have accepted and allowed to exist in this world.  We have this one life, one opportunity for us to be the creators of a reality that we are willing to exist as from now on, within common sense, within the principle of what is best for all as equals. This is the single starting point for creation we have missed throughout time – it is only now that we have the opportunity to stand as the living example of what is possible for us human beings to be and become when we become the change that we want to see in this world.

Enjoy living this out for yourself.

Supportive Articles I read to walk Self Forgiveness:

And many more at: http://desteni.org/articles

Self-Forgiveness Blog


W(h)inning and Losing Game in Education and Patience for Processors

Patience is one point that I am taking as myself because of having existed throughout my entire life as someone that wants to get things done right away, to go on to the ‘next thing’ as soon as possible and almost always ending up asking – what’s next?

 

The memory that comes up is from when I was quite young in school and I would be a ‘fast writer’ when were were taking group dictation and so as the teacher was dictating, I would write it out and would usually have to wait and stare at the window or stare at others to ‘make time’ so that  we would be able to continue later – this developed as ‘myself’ as always wanting to get it done as fast and accurate as possible and thus I got used to finishing my work first, to always be delivering things first wherein it was an automated-way of existing. Just get it done, deliver – next one.

 

Though! as I once have mentioned probably there was a time in 2nd grade when having ‘mental calculation’ and the teacher was dictating, in one moment I simply got lost, couldn’t keep track of the entire exercise and so the moment I saw myself ‘lost’ the only thing I did was breaking into tears because of me seeing myself as unable to catch up

 

I forgive myself for experiencing any self judgment towards myself for remembering myself in that moment.

 

Quite fascinating because I had already written about this moment but not within the context of seeing ‘who I am’ within a similar situation now – which is simply moments where we feel we ‘can’t keep up’ or there’s ‘too much going on’ or when it’s an entire new paradigm of thinking and existing which is basically let’s say getting to Desteni and going into a complete shock of existence – and then within that having to challenge ourselves to keep up with that stream of new information, of material released, of writings, reading, watching, sharing, reflecting upon the points – all of that requires ourselves to slow down and not ‘break into tears’ so to speak the moment that we see ourselves desiring to ‘get it done’ and simply seeing it as tasks to accomplish or something like that, just like in the ‘school mode’ because then we see how it would be just another task-reward system game that’s mostly existent and ingrained within the context of school system for example – then later on it’s the basis of all jobs: you do, you are paid for and thus everyone gets to learn the ways of surviving: if you don’t do = you don’t get money = you don’t survive – so it’s fear of death, fear of losing, fear of not ‘getting it’ what drives a person moving in this world –

 

What the fuck eh? Being existing in constant fear of death is what might be behind all of what we do and a serious point to consider is if even deciding to place ourselves in this process is driven by a point of Fear of Death – lol – which is something that I constantly ‘check’ with myself in terms of asking me at random moments: can I die I this moment and that’s it? and the answer is in that moment yes I mean what else could I do – but obviously we know the point is not to create that as myself but to amalgamate myself as life so, lol it’s a cool way to test out ‘where am I’ with regards to fearing death and this is something I placed directly linked to ‘fear of losing good memories’ so

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only ‘fear death’ because that would imply having to give up all ‘good memories’ of my childhood, of my past as everything ‘I was’ which is indicating me that I still place value/specialness to ‘who I was in the past’ without realizing that all of that is non existent HERE but only as myself as the accumulation of everything I’ve done, everything I haven’t done and thus I let go of such memories to simply focus on myself HERE as what is walking and breathing as myself here.

 

Okay so, after seeing how kids are then trained within the survival ways within the system to then always push themselves otherwise having to face a ‘bad grade, being kicked out of school, being rejected by peers as one point that could be equated to ‘fear of death’ within the system which then obviously if not supported specifically in time, these small points and experiences can develop onto other type of mental situations that are nothing else but the accumulation of experiences within a particular point as ourselves that we go trying to suppress and not ‘face’ yet are existent within us which will eventually have to be faced and! that’s when the entire shit comes out – and it is ludicrous to see how within the current Education System there is no actual SELF SUPPORT given to people – like there are no actual subjects that give tools of self support for kids to realize the trickery of the mind obviously or how to correct themselves within a more emotional/feeling perspective – sure there are psychologists in school but obviously not in every school, certainly not in public schools which as always, the places and institutions with more deficient personnel and resources are the ones that require the most due to the entire set-up of such low-class or low-middle-class schools are then doomed to ‘educate’ people in a very precarious  way which then within the ‘pyramid’ of the current system already places them at the bottom of the entire thing because of being determined/conditioned by default by the amount of resources they’ve had their entire life which conditions their entire education process, determines the relationships they create, the partner they choose and thus the job they will have and the family that they will then re-create as the same system and environment they’ve grown and lived in-  very very few nowadays have an actual opportunity to step out of that conditioning and ‘make it’ within the system – 

 

There ARE hardworking people seeking for opportunities to excel in this world, but the world doesn’t have such opportunities as available for everyone – how fucked up is that and thus we see how the entire system is doomed by default wherein it cannot exist without having a broad amount of people as resources to keep the top of the food-chain-or pyramid – in place – it’s an abusive system in its intrinsic nature and structure and, to think ‘there is no other way’ is what drives people crazy in fact, because it forces everyone to think that ‘there’s no other way’ and ‘we can’t do anything about it’ when in fact we can obviously – but here we go full circle – we require work, we require actual will to change ourselves and patience – because even if we are walking with ourselves only, we still have to face the entirety of what we’ve become as the accumulation of everything we’ve ever been and done and time-looped around in all our lives which is here as ourselves as this entire world as the accumulation and result of all points – thus the ‘intensity’, the ‘overwhelming experience’ that can exist when realizing or seeing the ‘bigger picture’ of the entire enslavement/conditioning points that we’ve accepted and allowed ourselves to exist as, never really doing anything to change – only probably questioning and trying to challenge it not from its foundation but from a mere superficial-perspective as only criticism and debate with no actual solutions as the solution – as we know – comes from a change in the entire way life is lived, the entire way life is Valued which if we see polarity is the game, we change the rules into Equality and with that end all games possible as no one will be supporting then a system of winners and losers – lol so typically ingrained for example in American culture – but an actual society/humanity that values everyone as equals as Life as Themselves.

 

That brings the word ‘bullying’ which has been a prominent problem for so long an intensifying as the nature of man reveals itself in the youngest ones in a more radical way, we see that if basic understanding of Equality as Everyone and Everything as Life, we would be seeing a significant change with kids and how they’d treat others because what I see is how that type of considerations is seen – within males specifically – as something too ‘sensitive for a boy’ and ‘too considerate’ and thus forming from that young age the ‘bully profile’ which is nothing else but the grounds of the male ego that is seeking to develop itself as ‘the winner’ as the one that ‘beats others’ as the one that is ‘superior’ and ‘best of all’ instead of living by what’s ‘best for all’ –

 

So, we can see how it’s all educational and  how schools – at least here in the third world lol –have no actual ways of teaching system integrity at all – everyone only sees at the consequences, the manifested consequences and trying to find solutions on that level without ever seeing what’s the core problem – just as with any other situation in this world wherein we see how people are trying to ‘fix the money problem’ with rescue-packages and trying to cover the sun with one finger – none of which is actually ‘the’ solution to the entire problem as we know, but it’s time to open up our eyes and investigate, educate and apply ourselves to become that actual living change as human beings that are no longer robotized to work and live in the ways that only benefit the stability of an abusive system –and that beings with self, that begins at home, that takes dedication, that takes constant dedication and! the point that triggered all of this Patience – to be patient with ourselves when dealing with the entirety of the points that we are facing and we’ll be facing as we go discovering ourselves, as ‘the truth’ of what we’ve accepted and allowed ourselves to become starts popping up everywhere and this is to not give-up, to not give-in into any mind created turmoil and allow ourselves to have a single thought of ‘oh man! I can’t do this anymore’ or ‘oh! this is just so much’! because that ‘hard’ point is simply a mind-created experience due to it simply not being preprogramed to be able to grasp and/or integrate these type of Self Corrections as it’s like wanting Microsoft to work in the code of Linux so to speak, and creating a transition from one to another would obviously take time and dedication and a constant application to not get ourselves lost in the way.

 

So hereby I suggest we support ourselves to stop ourselves when having any of these thoughts and simply realize that this has to be done, that we have to direct ourselves, that we are here to get this done not from the perspective of another task, another ‘quest’ or another something to obtain or accomplish, but as an ultimate action of self-liberation from all restrictions we’ve ever existed as – and thus we realize that this reality is bound to space and TIME – so we breathe through this time to walk step by step, developing patience to deal with ourselves, with the things that must be done, to push ourselves to transcend perceived ‘inabilities’ to do something like saying ‘I’m not good at’ or ‘I’ve never liked this/that’ – or ‘I can’t do…’ but instead break through that mind-veil and see what we are actually capable of

 

We are here to realize ourselves as the full capacity of what we exist as – please take an hour of your time today to listen to this interview if you haven’t – it’s once again one of these encompassing key points within this process and it is of great support to realize the full context/bigger picture view of what’s going on here in existence:

Radical Relationships & The God System

 

Thanks for reading

To Re-Educate yourself, visit the Desteni I Process


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