Tag Archives: expression

388. Regretting Choices and Definitions

 

Continuing from:

 

Self Forgiveness on:

I require to open up – again – the relationship with art. I’ve noticed that I created some sort of past bad relationship experience with it, similar to the ones that I’ve had with people throughout my life wherein there were things unsaid, situations undirected and just cutting it up from one day to another without further communication. I realize I’ve done this with art creation and the general regret I’ve had in terms of the decision I took some 8 years ago to go to art school and actually drop out from my first choice which was linguistics and which would have probably been a lot more supportive for me to have as a degree than arts, and so there goes regret as well for the choices I made in the delusion of ‘I want to express myself ’ and limit that definition to only ‘arts’ and specifically visual arts. To begin with, a disclaimer here is to understand that I am walking/writing out my frame of mind and that whichever judgment I place here in relation to arts/artists/creative processes in art is what I’ve conjured up throughout time and self-reflection about my decisions in life and in no way does this imply an actual ‘bashing’ as all of these judgments, ideas, perceptions, conceptions will be self-forgiven.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience the moment of creating something as an image, a picture, a painting as something rather ‘pointless’ and useless in which ‘I have wasted my time’ and in this generating the overall idea that ‘doing art’ is a waste of time – without looking at how I began to define what I would do as ‘art work’ as ‘meaningless’ and ‘pointless’ when I began to understand my motives, my purpose behind ‘being an artist’ myself – wherein I wanted to Define ME according to my creation, according to every single drawing, painting, photograph, video or any other creation that would be part of my ego-construction as the ‘who I believe myself to be’ and all of this based on the premise of ‘me wanting to be famous’ or ‘me wanting to be recognized as special and unique’ and so, when the time came for me to debunk myself, my own ego-construction of ‘who I am’ as ‘an artist,’ then all of the experiences and definitions that I had attached onto painting, drawing, doing anything creative even with words, photographs, videos… all of it I then judged as ‘useless’ or ‘pointless’ because they were not going to fulfill My idea of what these things were meant to be doing For Me before, which was ‘building my ego.’ And as such, when I stop participating in the creation of my ego through my artworks and my so called ‘special vision’ I then create a polarity relationship toward my creations because I could no longer see them as unique or special or anything like that, and instead of seeing them just for the matter/materials and arrangements that they are, I went into an opposite experience defining these creations as pointless, egotistical and useless without realizing the polarity judgments I was creating based on having first defined artistic creations with all positive experiences such as a genuine representation and expression of who I am, and what I want to express to the world – which came with the imprint of ‘me’ as special and unique. So this is to identify the polarity relationship I created based on my own definitions

I realize that therefore the experience that I’ve generated toward ‘art’ in general doesn’t provide a solution to the problems in this world – and within this generalizing what ‘art’ is based on what expectations I didn’t get fulfilled for myself within the relationship formed toward Art itself, and this is how it is no different to how we can ‘call names’ to something or someone that doesn’t satisfy us based on the ideals that we created about it, yet I didn’t work on in order to manifest these ideals into reality either.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want ‘art’ to be and become this ‘tool’ with which I can ‘change the world,’ without realizing that I then caged myself within my own intentions, definitions and purpose I gave to ‘art’ in itself – instead of myself – and as such, when I saw that these aims and purposes were not ‘fulfilled’ in a rather noticeable manner or ‘short span,’ then I simply gave it up because I realized that there were other ways to make this process of self-change more tangible and noticeable other than paintings, drawings, little videos or else as these creations were mostly born within the intention of myself as ego, as the idea of being able to create a name for myself and be glorified by it and missing out the entire point that I now see is more relevant, which is not self-glorification but to utilize our skills, our talents to provide a key for others to start questioning reality and start considering another way in which we are able to live and as such, change the world in a practical manner, which begins within self;

I initially have had certain ideas imprinted within my decision to create art which were among others to evade the world – without realizing one cannot really do this – being able to become a special/unique individual with this amazing vision of the world – and within this, I decided to rather focusing on myself, my own deconstruction of the ego I had become and reconstruct myself as an individual that can genuinely be and become an example of what it is to focus on what matters in this world within the principle of doing what’s best for everyone, what can create and generate actual changes in this world and within this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘art’ as being unable to do this, and this is where I clarify that it is not that ‘art’ in itself isn’t able to do the work, as it is ourselves as human beings the ones that are responsible for using whichever tools and means we have and see can be effective to share a message with others and provide solutions to our lives within our minds where we usually only see problems and conflicts.

I realize that I had delegated some kind of ‘magic power’ to art to be this transformational tool that can in itself ‘change people’s lives’ which is rather pretentious, non realistic and even with bits of spiritual approach that I had initially also commenced with in my relationship with art as well – therefore I now see, realize and understand that art in any of it forms or definitions for that matter, can be used as a tool to support the realization of ourselves as human beings, to portray the problems and the solutions that we can all give direction to – but in no way can I expect this ‘thing’ or ‘concept’ as ‘art’ to do the thing for itself, as it is Always about ourselves human beings being able to give direction to ourselves with using any and all means/media/methods and tools that are existent within our world and societies as of now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a relationship of ‘hate’ and ‘love’ toward art – wherein I went in this form of ‘hate’ based on not getting my expected results from it, or being disillusioned from the results I was expecting I would get from it, which is once again wanting this something/someone create some transcendental change for me and others in itself, without realizing that I had to give it direction, make things happen, make things works instead of just hoping or wishing that something like an artistic expression does the work in itself – it can be an aid within the purpose of assisting and supporting ourselves as human beings to ‘wake up’ and realize the work that is required to be done in order to give ourselves direction and responsibility to our world which is our creation – and in this art is not more or less than any other expression or tool or point existing in our reality that has an equal potential of being supportive within our process of self-realization and self-responsibility as equals in this world.

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to develop a relationship of ‘love’ toward art based on the Experiences I created within me while working on it: being able to be alone, detached from the world, sinking into my imagination, being able to just ‘forget about the world’ and recreate one of my own within the starting point of someday maybe getting real fame and glory from it, being recognized as this talented unique individual that I had believed myself to be and as such, believing that ‘my thing’ was to do art, just because I wanted to give continuation to this great experience that I was building myself as through the work I was doing.

Within this I realize that it’s not about ‘bashing’ what I’ve done or now see it as pointless or useless as those are all definitions I now see and understand stem from having remained in the polarity opposite of loving it, making it special and unique – so this way I am able to now stand one and equal to any ‘artistic creation’ or ‘artwork’ in itself within the realization that it’s no different to any other thing we have created as human beings – be it a concept, a tool, a house, a business, a baby, an entire world-system – all of these are creations that entailed a creative and intellectual process in them, so that doesn’t make them ‘art works’ per se, because we’ve defined ‘art’ within a specific ‘realm’ of human creations which is how we developed the whole ‘specialness’ around it, wherein if we genuinely expand creation to anything we do, anything we say and think, then we will genuinely live as self-creators of ourselves, our world without having to tag it as ‘work of art’ since it will be a creation within the principles that each one can recognize and embrace individually: self creation in self-awareness, self responsibility, letting go of the pondering process of the individual as ‘special’ and instead focus on our creative, physical abilities that we have as human beings – both physically and mentally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see ‘art’ as no different to any other failed relationship wherein it seemed as if from one day to the other I simply no longer have anything to do with the person or situation and without further communication or understanding of why we parted ways, it’s simply a ‘breakup’ of sorts wherein I have generated the usual experience of ‘not wanting to see the thing or person again’ and overall avoidance toward the point/person in my life as if that was a clear way to deal with it. I realize that this is mostly suppressing the problem, suppressing what caused the breakup and believe that just by not thinking of it or avoiding looking into the point I am doing myself a favor when in fact it’s the opposite – there more I leave it ‘unresolved’ the more it becomes this ‘confusing’ thing, a mulling around that I experience toward the point or person, because I hadn’t clarified or structured my position or stance toward that person or point in my reality and as such I turn it into something I had to overall try and ‘erase’ without further consequence.

I realize now that I cannot ‘hide’ from these type of situations that I believed I had ‘dealt with’ or I had ‘walked through’ in this process in relation to art – as I realize that I hadn’t entirely clarified the self-corrective process in relation to ‘who I am’ toward art or creative process done by myself or others.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to at times go into a diatribe of should I or shouldn’t I go to see this exhibition or movie or concert just because of seeing it as pointless, useless or a way to ‘activate my excitement’ without realizing that the polarity relationship of resistance was created because of all the definitions I had still held in separation of myself, such as the experiences I’d had when looking at certain paintings or movies or music – and within this believing that I had to ‘quit it’ no different to a drug that I had to let go for once and for all in order to not have to be ‘enticed’ by it once again and ‘get lost’ in it.

Now I see, realize and understand that these ‘fears’ of consequences if I would ‘delve’ into the artistic creation, were all based on the initial Desires I had placed or attributed to art and artistic creations of myself and others – therefore the sole creator of this inner conflict is obviously myself, my mind, my past habits and my apparent inability to conciliate my relationship with art to see it for what it is: matter, colors, sounds, images that I can look at in a way that is no different to appreciating or even enjoying any other part of this reality – and within that if an artistic creation can provide any support to this process of self-realization: that’s great, that’s a ‘plus’ point in relation to what I see is necessary for us to realize in this world – but, in no way does it mean that because an artwork, a film, or certain music aren’t related to a process of self-realization or ‘changing the world’ will it make it useless and pointless as those are solely my own beliefs, projections and even bitterness based on the polarity relationship I had created toward art in this love-hate paradigm, which is absolutely unnecessary once that I realize that it’s all about me letting go of still holding a relationship to art as something ‘special’ as that’s why I then kept separating ‘art’ or ‘artistic creations’ from the rest of the world and reality and people/beings in it, just because in my mind I have developed this judgmental filter toward anything that looks like, sounds like, works like something ‘artistic.’ Lol which is kind of funny and rather contradictory when understanding that separation is created by myself in my mind and I cannot advocate being one and equal to everything if there’s still a special love-hate relationship toward something or someone.

I realize that through stopping participation in judging/defining ‘art’ within a special bubble, then I can rather focus at looking, understanding and comprehending any part of reality including ‘artistic works’ for the human creation it is, for the intent it has and essentially assess that in the same manner and way that I asses a person, a person’s words, any other part of our reality, how we interact, how we create our relationships etc. And this is thus a way to stop holding the specialness-towards-art construct and start seeing it for what it is: another part of our world as our creation that we now have to take responsibility for it all ourselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret my decision to drop out of my initial first available career as linguistics as I see that that could’ve supported more in relation to processes of education and supporting others to develop effective language in a professional manner – and instead leave to pursue an artistic career that I mostly do not see myself as ‘following through’ with – at least not in such ‘artistic circles’ – because I’ve realized that I have now a direction that I’ve decided to take on in my life which has to do with being able to support myself and other individuals to become self-directive, self-responsible, self-honest human beings that can in turn no matter what we do, where we are, we are able to stand as living principles of self-creation that can be supportive in any field or profession in our lives.

This implies that I let go of the regret, guilt or shame for my choices in life, for the time I’ve perceived as ‘wasted’ or the ‘disillusionment’ that I created toward ‘art’ as a career in itself, which was all created in my mind and as such I take responsibility for it, to see it for what it was and now that I have such studies as foundation, I can also see what I can take from it, what I learned from it that can be implemented within the current process and direction in my life that I’ve decided to take on – and within this, understand my choices in life based on the context and time of my life when I made them. It is rather obvious that If the ‘who I am’ right now was ten years younger, I would have probably made different decisions in my life – however, also making those faux-passes have allowed me to learn from my mistakes and that this is actually stemming from fear of seeing ‘me as an artist as a failure’ because of not completing the whole ‘road to become an artist’ and so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually create regret about my choices in life, without realizing that it’s actually stemming from me having wanted to ‘take the right road’ from the beginning, not wanting to fail, not wanting to be seen as a failure as an artist, or a drop out or vanish from other people’s lives as ‘she became weird and stopped doing art’ type of judgment as I see and realize that these are all judgments that I’ve created toward myself and that I now see, realize and understand that they have no point in being here ‘as me’ in my mind, because I am fully aware of the decisions I am now making in my life, being certain about the outcome and purpose that I am dedicating my life to and within this also not solidifying ‘the way’ to do it as something immovable or being non flexible in believing that ‘this is all I’ll ever do’ – as that creates a general rigidity that I’ve also seen the consequences thereof when I have to ‘break the definition’ or ‘break the pattern’ and kind of eat my own words and decisions. I realize that I am at a certain stage wherein the foundation of who I am, what I’ve decided to be and become as a person that stands as a living example of what it means to apply principles of life in equality, of self-responsibility, of integrity, of self-honesty, of changing one’s living patterns, is what I have decided within myself to do and live till the end of my life.

Now this doesn’t imply that I forcefully have to ‘fit’ my schooling-career into it or else, but see the multiple possibilities of what we can do and how we can apply our skills, talents and knowledge for self supportive purposes in this world, and step out of any rigidity within ‘having certain career’ only. I have also realized that the process I’m walking is that of self-creation: recreating myself after a deconstruction of who I have been in order to now integrate living principles that are supportive for ourselves as individuals that can now take self-responsibility for our creation.

 

When and as I see myself generating and overall experience of resistance or judgment or even rejection toward ‘art’ or ‘artistic expressions’ I stop myself and breathe. I realize that such experiences recreate my belief and construct of ‘failed relationship with art’ which only exists as a construct of memories, experiences, ideals and beliefs of myself toward art – and as such as I realize this I can immediately stop any judgment and experience toward the word ‘art’ or ‘artistic’ or ‘artist’ in order to see physicality for what it is, whether it is human beings, or matter with colors, or images, or sounds and images, or actions that are simply human creations that I can assess in a similar way in which I asses everything else and everyone else in my reality – no more, no less.

 

When and as I see myself experiencing guilt, shame, regret for my self-defined ‘failed’ choices in life in terms of careers and studies, I stop and I breathe – I realize this stems from the fear of being seen as a failure or a drop out which are only judgments I’ve created within my mind, the fear of not being ‘successful’ at what I was meant to do simply because I didn’t even follow through with it/ didn’t do the actual work to get that which is also another point to realize here how I decided to not invest myself on the traditional forms of art-creation and instead directed myself toward self-education within a context that is entirely new and doesn’t even have a proper ‘institutional name’ with which to ‘justify’ to others what I do now– without realizing that I don’t have to ‘be’ something/a definition for others as I am well aware of how I spend my life, my every day, what I work with, who I work with, for what purpose and what my aims are in it all – therefore I stop wanting to justify myself and my decisions toward others and focus on rather assessing and evaluating myself based on the principles, objectives and decisions I’ve made to dedicate myself to this process in the form of support, education, proposals for change that can be implemented at an individual and global level.

 

I commit myself to no longer re-create any form of pattern of experiences either positive or negative around ‘art’ or ‘artists’ or judge them as useless because of being ‘artists’ or such – as those are only judgments/tags in my mind –and instead see the point of creation for what it is, as a physical or intellectual creative process and as everything, investigate all things and take what’s best. So within this it is also to commit myself to make use of formal ways of doing art in order to share a particular message or understanding that I realize is supportive for ourselves as human beings in this world and necessary within the context of the changes that we require to give direction to if we want to continue living in this world. So within this

I commit myself to give priority to the points that I see are most relevant and a matter of survival when it comes to creating solutions to the problems in this world as that is what I have personally decided to do – working at an individual and collective level to present solutions, to walk them myself and so co-operate in the process of self-realization in our world. This is what I have decided to do which in no way it means that it is what I think everyone else should also do in relation to their relationship to arts as each person’s process is different and to me within the context I’ve placed it, stepping aside from the usual definition of ‘creating art’ also means focusing on being in the world, in the system, understanding it, redefining it, considering how to build our lives and our interactions in a more supportive way and not just trying to get an experience out of it as my previous definitions of art.

I realize that I can redefine art as what I do within this process of self-creation, but that is merely for academic purposes and in no way does it mean I am trying to justify or define the fact that I want to ‘keep being an artist’ but, If I have to justify what I do to academics, then for sure it’s self-creation process as my own work of art, while realizing within myself that a definition does not really ‘define’ or ‘limit’ who we really are, but I can play the role without getting lost in it again.

 

Will continue….

 

 

Movie screen

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387. The Love/Hate Relationship with Art

Here we go…

I require to open up – again – the relationship with art. I’ve noticed that I created some sort of past bad relationship experience with it, similar to the ones that I’ve had with people throughout my life wherein there were things unsaid, situations undirected and just cutting it up from one day to another without further communication. I realize I’ve done this with art creation and the general regret I’ve had in terms of the decision I took some 8 years ago to go to art school and actually drop out from my first choice which was linguistics and which would have probably been a lot more supportive for me to have as a degree than arts, and so there goes regret as well for the choices I made in the delusion of ‘I want to express myself ’ and limit that definition to only ‘arts’ and specifically visual arts. To begin with, a disclaimer here is to understand that I am walking/writing out my frame of mind and that whichever judgment I place here in relation to arts/artists/creative processes in art is what I’ve conjured up throughout time and self-reflection about my decisions in life and in no way does this imply an actual ‘bashing’ as all of these judgments, ideas, perceptions, conceptions will be self-forgiven.

 

DSC01870

The Illusion in this world is my responsibility

It’s been a bit over 10 years when I first begun painting and the experience within that was that of enjoyment when being able to pull out everything that I would usually write in creating these images/paintings that I then started defining as ‘who I am’ and within that, already beginning to define and limit my future according to wanting to be an artist, to be able to write or paint or play music or anything that had to do with what I assumed would enable me to express myself and at the same time, be able to instigate some sort of change in the world.

I’ve mostly walked throughout the years the ‘emotional’ aspect to art and my decisions to be an artist in order to not have to ‘be in the system’ and not have to face it, and not have to deal with a lot of people, being able to stand in the ‘background’ so to speak, like someone with ‘special needs’ or ‘special mind’ and ‘special interests’ hidden in a room behind some canvass or else, yet at the same time having the works themselves get to as many people as possible…. So that’s the type of idea of a nice, lavish lifestyle I was pursuing some 8 years ago, and I was quite on the ‘good track’ getting some initial points of recognition that also led me to see the ‘fame’ for what it was and really question myself if that is what I really wanted: to have some pictures in some room in another place in this world seen by other people and be glorified by how nice they are? Well, I decided it was not the way to do what I was already veering myself to do, which is wanting to ‘Change the world’ and thus using art as the way to change the world…. separation here, yes, in trying to use this one thing to ‘change the world’ without really realizing that nothing/no one can ‘change the world’ in itself, but ourselves.

 

So that’s where we begin.

The idea of Art as an instrument to “Change the World.”

The point is I tried to make My definition of Art fit with what would enable me to use it to demonstrate that it is possible to change the world. However I realized that no matter how many images I make, how many pictures I take, how many great ideas I would have I was entirely mostly having an imaginative outflow of how this could operate without ever really landing it into any serious/real project. I always kept everything at a low-fi level because right after the first year in Art school, I discovered Desteni and my interests veered dramatically – hence the ‘shutting down’ of any pursue to further my career to make a name of myself etc. However little did I know that as I’ve seen throughout time, many artists or creative people are the ones that have been able to conceive new ways of how to develop a society that is better for everyone. Somehow people related to art are at the head of certain movements like the proposition for a Basic Income by Enno Schmidt who is an artist. The example I’ve been able to see with a more ‘landed’ discourse on social change is Joseph Beuys that dared to propose an economic, political and social change through the realization that such change begins with self, using one’s thoughts and actions as the tools with which to sculpt ourselves and so becoming the change that we want to see in this world, by understanding the interdependent relationships we have toward one another and our necessity to establish a genuine economy that reflects the true inputs of the real capital – human work/intellect or applied intellect and the use of resources to provide a dignified living to everyone in a particular society/environment- which means everyone should be equally involved in this.

“Social Sculpture, a concept and medium the artist devised and later theorized in “I am Searching for Field Character” (1973), which articulates his belief in the creative capacity of every in-dividual to shape society through participation in cultural, political, and economic life. With his proclamation that “EVERY HUMAN BEING IS AN ART-IST,” poised to join others in the construction of “A SOCIAL ORGANISM AS A WORK OF ART,” Beuys reprised the fervor and axiomatic language of manifestos written by avant-garde artists in the early twentieth century. This promulgation expanded what art could be by acknowledging the viewer’s ability to co-create meaning alongside the artist and, consequently, placed the production of art and knowledge within the scope of the viewer just as much as that of the artist.” – Joseph Beuys – Organization for Direct Democracy by Referendum

 

He went on as far as creating direct democratic referendums as part of his work of art and forming part of a political party, as well as founding a school that was aimed at providing the necessary platform for people to continue the work of social sculpture – which unfortunately I haven’t seen any further fruition from it. He also went on with economists and discussed the concept and idea/symbol of money and with that book ‘What is Money?’ realizing that the idea of social, political and economic change is not an entirely dissociated idea from an artist’s field of work. He also even funded an educational institution which is part of his legacy to continue understanding the multidisciplinary processes that education should involve.

It is so that having the ability to question more, to question reality, to analyze it in its complexity from the ‘eye of an artist’ can lead us all to become better social scientists,   questioning things that have become automated in our reality: money, politics, education, social structures, words and their definitions, mass media and its power to brainwash everyone… then I found people like Guy Debord and Marshall McLuhan who completed the narrative in relation to the world system as the reflection of ourselves, of our ‘revolutions’ as failed attempts to change something that first should be changed at an individual level – and this all made sense, I am grateful for having read these individuals to confirm what I was at the same time walking with/as part of Desteni as well as Foucault on his first chapter in Madness and Civilization about the Ship of the Fools or Stultifera Navis wherein every person that would be defined as ‘crazy/ mad/ eccentric’ would be ousted from society along with every other individual that would simply not be willing to conform to the norm or be defined as mentally insane. I could relate to all of this, however it was all still too defined within the ‘artistic realm’ and so what I did is that upon realizing that ‘art’ for now is ‘just another sector of society’ and almost another cult/religion in itself, I tried to dissociate myself from such tag just because I had judged it as pretentious and ‘special,’ because that is how I came to judge myself or who/what I was going to ‘become’ as an individual if I hadn’t actually stopped myself from upgrading and accumulating all of this definitions onto the ‘artistic persona’ I was aiming at becoming.

I’m also glad that I’ve done that because then the whole ‘specialness’ and ‘uniqueness’ idea of myself that I had about me and that I believed that I should be ‘recognized for’ in the world has been mostly vanished. But after that, there’s  a ‘void’  left in terms of the relationship to art/creative expression as I mostly simply stopped it altogether and wanted to have– apparently – nothing to do with it, which involved me having finished also school in Arts where most of the time I was already knowing that I wasn’t going to become an ‘artist’ in the most traditional sense of the word. I learned about many points wherein artists have participated in ‘revolutionary movements’ but certainly it is no different to how any artist at the moment goes out and paints murals about Snowden, Manning and Assange to glorify them as heroes and shouts at the front of some parliamentary building demanding change… which is absolutely futile.

 

It was not enough

 

So the disillusionment with arts have to do with My Own expectations about it. How I thought that this was ‘the way’ to change the world and of course I didn’t follow through with ‘becoming an artist’ in the traditional sense which I then perceived as myself already ‘opting out’ of it all and seeing the sheer idea of dedicating myself to ‘create art’ as utterly selfish, without realizing how much I had desired ‘that’ to be my reality before. I’ve also been recently sharing about these points with people, explaining how I’m not proud of the decisions I made earlier on in my life and how I would not recommend anyone to study arts. I do however not say ‘don’t study arts’ but simply place my own expectations, my own experience, my decision to do something else and how such studies were a nice platform but not real tools to do what I am doing now. So when I find ‘artists’ defined as such, there’s an attempt to me to see if they also see the futility that I see in art as well – well this happened with one specific person in one specific moment.

A Spell to Ward off the Darkness is the title of a documentary/film that is mostly existential in nature and more like an ‘art film’ than documentary – even though I agree with Ben Russell, one of the directors, on how an objective documentary doesn’t really exist as there’s always a ‘frame’ that is defined by the one filming/directing, so from that perspective yes it’s not really ‘objective.’ However I did notice that this movie was entirely aimed at creating an emotional experience about it, with majestic landscapes, very little dialogue and loud black metal music at the end. I had the opportunity to ask a question to Ben after the screening and when I realized that my theory of how and why Black Metal emerged ( lol ) was nowhere near their intentions within this movie, and he veered off into something else I saw myself judging the individual as ‘typical artist’ that responds with quite a lot of rhetorical rubbish before getting to answer the question. It didn’t end up there, I wrote him back an email essentially asking him whether he considered art was meant to be a hammer with which to shape the world, to prove that we can change it. And then I got quite a bold and rather supportive reply from him which made me realize that I was being an ego myself trying to impose onto other artists/film makers My idea of what art should be, and how if their creations were merely ‘emotional’ then they were useless to what I’ve defined ‘the purpose’ of art.

I realize that after this brief exchange with him where I had certainly ‘demanded’ some answers from him about his intent on his film, he essentially told me that maybe this wasn’t a text/film for me, and that left it very clear how I was trying to make such film fit my standards of what art should be and be used for, instead of it being a creative process in itself.  I also see and realize that I’ve become a ‘victim’ of my own judgments, my own definitions and so I’ve generated a rigidity about what art was supposed to be, what art didn’t ‘fulfill’ within me and thus justify the reasons why I got to see art as entirely useless and self-centered activity. These are all judgments of course that should be seen for what they are, my own creation in order to become my own ‘word – redefiner’ – (see previous post on Rumsfeld) – in order to make of my decision to not further any artistic endeavors as the ‘right thing to do’ and so justify it with now ‘bashing’ artistic views that are not the same as ‘my own’ somehow so as to make my decision sound right and be righteous about my decision. This is not only the desire to be right about this, but also imposing the same mind-frames with which we have created religions and beliefs in the past, and we’re definitely here to stop such knowledge and information rigidity.

 

Also, the point here is not to go into the usual ‘extremes’ I would tend to go into when quitting/stopping/halting something wherein the entire love-hate relationship is generated. And this is quite the perfect example of how we create ‘hate’ – and even if in my case I wasn’t emotionally ‘hating’ art –  when our initial expectations about something/someone are not met and so, we become the epitome of ‘not wanting to know anything about’ that which we had previously set a high standard upon. This implies also the pattern of ‘blaming’ it, blaming apparently ‘art’ for not fulfilling or satisfying my initial intentions, without realizing that it was me that wanted to first make of art my ‘way out’ of ‘the system’ or a way to evade it, and when realizing I really can’t do that, then I simply believed that I had to ‘let go’ of it overall and completely –  without realizing that this is no different to just running away from a relationship that ‘didn’t work out’ without first taking the time to understand Why it didn’t work out or how and that means that through understanding the problem, we can also create solutions.

My overall attitude to this all, however, was within the mentality of not wanting to create anything but still be interested in looking art, admiring paintings or other artists and kind of playing the game of I like it but I shouldn’t like it – I mean, it is quite an unnecessary game that I create in my mind just because I had previously given too much value onto ‘art’ and what it ‘meant to me’ and how my entire life was supposed to be ‘intertwined’ around art, and how the moment I started dissociating myself from it it meant like a literal relationship breakup, when it should Not be like that at all. I mean if I had criticized this types of relationships between individuals, how hadn’t I seen that I’ve been living the exact same pattern with my relationship to ‘art’ and within that every other person that I related myself to from the art-vein of my life-experience? It doesn’t make sense as that implies I resist ‘it’/them which implies I hold a dear relationship of separation. So this is a till here no further.

 

I have to then point out the practicality of the decision here which I might have written out before but here it comes again so as to iron out any wrinkles on my side. It is no doubt that we all can create things, be expressive in any artistic endeavor and enjoy the process of creating it and sharing it with the world etc. – however at the moment in our world and reality, I do see it as rather impractical to be fully dedicated to the creation of art/plastic arts specifically when there’s so much to get done in this world in relation to education, to understanding who/what we are as human beings in our minds, how we direct in our lives, how we’ve created this world system and through understanding it all, be able to now establish and conduct solutions at an individual and collective level – and this is what I’ve decided to do. However I see that even if for me this is ‘clear’ there’s still a shadow of a doubt in relation to how people ask me ‘what am I doing’ and within this believing that I should be speaking about the many paintings or etchings or whatever I’ve created as a result of my work as ‘an artist’ in the formal/traditional sense of the word.  So I come upfront and explain how I’m not doing that and what I dedicate myself to, which sounds ‘interesting’ to most but I see that as long as I still hold on a judgment about this as me ‘having wasted my time in art school’ or ‘not developing myself as an artist’ then no matter who/what questions are asked, I’ll still experience that shadow of a doubt simply because I’ve judged it as a failed decision in my life.

 

The dictatorship of definitions

And this I might have shared before but it’s relevant to bring it up again as it’s been coming up many more times, as well as with what ‘I do’ with my life since I mostly work on the internet and there is currently no institutionalized career that defines what I do within this process at Desteni to be a point of support for myself and others in this world to walk this process which I do entirely see as vital and the most important thing to dedicate ourselves to in this world, which is a necessary step if we ever want everyone to genuinely enjoy an artistic lifestyle of creating/expressing in a world where hunger, wars, poverty, corruption, greed and a lousy economic system can be no more. All changes begin within self and so I have entirely decided to step aside from my artistic endeavors to dedicate myself to this process of Education, of being an example of this change myself, of supporting other people walking this process, of investigating economic and political solutions, of sharing/talking about these necessary changes at an individual and collective level, as that is how we can then all as human beings take self-responsibility for the world in shambles we have created – so that is what our artistry has been defined by, and I’m in no way proud of the world we’ve wrought here.

 

 

I have also said before how this process in itself is a self-creation process, hence I am my own work of art. However the ‘art’ definition here is obviously not the common one and that’s probably my inner dissonance which I am here to straighten up and redefine so that I stop separating myself from what I’ve defined as ‘artistic creation’ in the most traditional sense and what I ‘should’ be creating,  and rather integrate the principle of self-creation in whatever thought, word, deed as myself including the activities I’ve defined as merely ‘artistic’ such as ‘creative writing,’ shooting videos, painting pictures, taking pictures and lol even as I write this it is like oh shit that’s all just pointless drama-creations of me, who I was before. However that’s how I’ve limited them to be instead of seeing how visual art is quite a powerful way to provide/promote a message and a more digestible or ’friendly’ way to explain living principles through images, films to make them more palpable – whereas with just theory not everyone might be able to find it or understand it.

 

So, this is to see how it is about expanding myself to see the potential that exists in everything that is already here in this world. I would be my own worst enemy if I would define art or being an artist as something pointless or mere egotistic – it is nothing more and nothing less than a definition and judgment, instead of considering that as anything and every other job/profession in this world can be seen for what it is, for its potential, its redefinition to be self-supportive and to use it as a tool to provide ways to look at the world in a different manner and how to ‘eat it’ meaning how to live it, to understand it, to embrace it. That’s what I’ve also noticed is lacking within Art.

 

 

Art as a tool for change?

It’s relatively ‘easy’ to identify the patterns or the problems, and represent them – but driving the problem through to the solutions is mostly always missing. So that’s the kind of principles of self-creation that I’d like to contribute with in relation to art/art-theory if you want to call it that which is not limited to artists or people that study art, but to any human being that wants to become an instrument themselves, a tool with which to conduct and become the change that I realize is necessary in this world. I’ve identified the problems, so I’m working on the solutions and that is no physical ‘work of art’ but if I take on Sol Lewitt’s paragraphs of art in relation to making of the process itself, the structure, the plan of a work of art the ‘piece’ in itself or in other words “If the artist carries through his idea and makes it into visible form, then all the steps in the process are of importance. The idea itself, even if not made visual, is as much a work of art as any finished product. All intervening steps –scribbles, sketches, drawings, failed works, models, studies, thoughts, conversations– are of interest. Those that show the thought process of the artist are sometimes more interesting than the final product.”

 

…then my entire life is also then that: self-creation and supporting other people’s self-creative processes. Lol, am I theoretically justifying myself as an ‘artist’ here? Can be, but why not? I’ve read such blatant bullshit in art-theory that expanding art-theory to self-creation within principles of life in Equality, of Self-Responsibility, of Dignity, Integrity, producing solutions is quite the most meaningful thing we can do as human beings after centuries of emotional, material or conceptual glorification in art. Time for Life to be supported in everything that we do beginning at a thought level and that begins with ourselves, with becoming the master-pieces that I’ve seen and realized I sought to ‘create’ outside of myself or to use ‘art’ as some kind of alter-ego platform to glorify myself through the eyes of others. Self-honesty is required within art, understanding why one wants to create art and if the purpose, aim or objective and starting point of creation is actually aligned with a ‘higher purpose’ or goal which is then how I am seeing that art can be used to educate people, to wake people up, to provide new understandings and ways to understand, behave and co-exist  in the world – but that still has to be lived by and applied by each one of us first as first ‘test-runs’ in this process.

 

I realize there’s really ‘nothing’ that can ‘change you’ as that would then be the idea of this ‘magic red pill’ that you simply take it and understand everything about the Matrix and reality, the mind, who we are as our mind, the world-systems we’ve governed ourselves by, etc. So, in that sense what we can all do is become the example of what it is to walk such process, to provide and produce educational materials/writings/videos or whichever ‘tool’ we can use to support others in the inevitable process that is here as our process of realizing who we really are as life. Easily said, a whole other story to understand it as to what it in fact implies.

 

I’ll continue with walking Self-Forgiveness on specific points mentioned here, as well as the Self Corrective Statements to redirect my relationship formed with art/artistic creation and artists themselves so as to no longer limit myself and others through my own definitions of art or ‘what art should be’ and instead focus on my own process of self-creation and the endeavor I’ve taken on to be that point of support for others as well, a birthing-as-life supporter which is what I in fact really wanted to do since I can remember. I can use all tools available in this world for this purpose without limiting myself within it and that’s also the process of expansion here that is necessary for me to clarify and structure as well.

 

” Economics is not only a money making principle. It can be a way of production to fulfill the demands of people all over the world. Capital is human kind’s ability in work, not just money. Thus economics includes the creativity of people. Creativity equals Capital” – Joseph Beuys

 

 

Fuck Pollock, He's Done it All 05

Fuck it, Pollock has done it all  – 2005

 

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224. Cultivate Your Personality: Human Egoism gone Mainstream

 

Elitist Character: Cultivation of Personalities – Self Corrective Statements and Realizations.

 

When you realize how one is the product of our society but society exists as ourselves, as our mind projected as a conglomeration of individuals that attest to one another’s existence in a world where life is sold, you realize that invariably so nothing of ‘who you are’ can be real if it is only the accumulation of knowledge and information lived out as ‘who you are’ – therefore any desire to cultivate our wits, our egos, our characters can only exist if there is Money to perpetuate such selfish endeavor. That’s what we’ve become, that’s the foundation of our economy, of politics and any form of education that we’ve supported as our basic instilling of personality-cultivation in order to succeed above others – so, winners and losers were part of the scheme then? Yes, and giving to the least fortunate ones ways to entertain themselves with things like religion/ spirituality and entertainment. It’s rather difficult to go to a remote community – at least in this country – where people might live in poor conditions and not see a TV in their home, unless of course there is non of that at all and then we would be speaking about real people in real conditions that are absolutely out of our ‘scope’ of information that exists only according to what ‘the media’ presents us. Our reality has become as big as our screens and that’s as far as we’ve gone in terms of creating ideas of what life should be. Isn’t that the most limited form of existence? It is.

 

We’ve been watching lots of Derren Brown videos and I saw within myself how it is rather naïve how as humans we defend this arrangement of data as knowledge and information so seriously as ‘who we are,’ we walk throughout our entire lives to somehow ‘find a purpose in life’ without really ever getting any unless one makes it and lives it out. How could it be real if in one moment a person could forget who they are as in their own name, their entire history and ‘who they’ve been’ for others as well? Who have we been living for, is this accumulation of events with imprinted emotions and feelings everything that we are? Just pursuing some form of personal satisfaction and that’s it?

If a Killer can be made, then how come we’ve built our ‘fascinations’ around that which is carefully crafted to become just another form of entertainment for the masses? You can watch Derren Brown – The Experiments: The Assassin

So far we’ve lived that way – and it is in moments like this when everything is placed into perspective and I can see the petty battles to let go of people, things, preferences, the entire ‘who I am’ as self-definition, as if I had signed a contract to marry the artificial idea of myself. What’s more important within this all is how we walk our entire lives seeking a ‘meaning to life’ and that’s when we get lost trying to find meanings in people, spirituality, drugs, relationships, sex, money, glory in some form or way. Is that living?  Seeking and seeking and finding the next greatest thrill? No.

 

If everything we’ve become as our characters/ personalities ends at death, how could that be ‘real’  as part of who we really are? It can’t – it is real as long as we enact it as hypnotized characters playing out instructions given by the tell-a-vision, but I’ve also proven to myself how I can stop following along with characters in one moment and within that it’s like an actor revealing he’s only an actor in the middle of a play = breaks the spell of whatever emotional-feeling continuum is taking place. Do I feel more dead? At times it may seem like that simply because I had defined everything I was to a constant and continuous energetic experience, just like I programmed myself to come home from school and get out of the intelligent-well-behaved-responsible character and become the other me that few people really knew and listen to music non stop and solace myself with images on the TV Screen. No wonder I chose images as a career, no wonder I came to be fascinated for the things I liked and no wonder till this day it’s been a process to stop generating any sense of energetic experience about all those things, however, they are only relevant as long as I allow myself to be ‘in character’ to perceive reality from such an energetic-visual scope of view, which is how I can realize then that

 

When and as I see myself reacting with an emotional or feeling experience toward anything/ anyone that I had defined and cultivated as part of my fascinations – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I can only create an experience if I allow myself to be ‘in character’ to react to people, words, music, pictures, colors in a particular way that I programmed myself to react accordingly to. Thus, I understand that every time I play the character, I am not here, breathing as my physical body, and that any sense of nostalgia for the past that I perceived as ‘freedom and expression,’ has only been a set of preferences as knowledge and information that was available to me according to my social-status and money situation, to which I added/ imprinted a positive experience to, as a way to compensate for the dread of the days as my routine that I had defined as dull while growing up – missing out the actuality of living because all I knew was what I had and what I would see people would ‘live out’ as a meaning of ‘living’ – which is what was linked to libertinage, ‘expression’ in outrageous ways that were only possible due to money.

 

When and as I see myself seeking some form of stimulation either through visuals or sounds and or music videos for that matter in order to ‘relive’ an experience of the past – I stop and I breathe. I realize that I can hear the music however be breathing and enjoy it for a moment here, without downloading all the plethora of past-times as memories that I had programmed myself to always ‘remember’ in order to believe that ‘my life had been a Life’ according to the amount of knowledge, information and experiences I would be able to store as a point of self definition, as the character that I had committed myself to live-as for the rest of my ‘life,’  and I realize that none of that in fact defines who I am as all of that is not existent here when I am breathing in every moment as the physical being that I am.

 

 

When and as I see myself wanting to get a ‘fix’ of entertainment as I used to whenever I reach a point of dread within myself and seek to go to the ‘past’ as visuals, sounds, pictures to get that experience, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I have programmed myself to be constantly having a point to ‘look forward to’ in my life in terms of events, situations that would generate a certain ‘positive experience’ within me, and in this, never really living at all, but only perpetuating the basic mechanisms of self-indulgence wherein all that I cared for was ‘myself’ and that’s it. Nothing else mattered and no one else mattered but me, my entertainment, my infatuations, my own character evolution to get to be who I wanted to be, get the people that I wanted to be with and have everything that I had deemed as ‘my happiness’ – while doing everything I could to continue cultivating my personal satisfaction while In-Character.

 

I realize that if I had been a kid in a situation of poverty, I would have not known at all of any of the things that I became infatuated with, as well as those that I sought to deliberately oppose/ antagonize as a form of self definition. I Realize that the CULTivation of Personalities is only existent as a convenient entertainment mechanism in order to maintain individuals within this internal and external pursuit of happiness, while  maintaining and supporting the configuration of society  in a way wherein such happiness can be bought through products, artifacts, and expressions that are also the result of the same limited view upon life, which makes us ponder: how in any way could we speak about culture being important to humanity if everything that it’s been based on is  existent within this limited scope of who we are as Our Minds as the ‘intelligence’ that we believe is superior to all other beings while neglecting the reality that we are as our very own physical bodies and physical reality that is here regardless of us ‘thinking’ about it?

 

I see, realize and understand that I fell for the trick to ‘cultivate my personality’ and enter within a secret race to be the best, the most original/ authentic/ outrageous/ intelligent being that could be glorified for this lifelong achievements of accumulating knowledge and information within particular ‘sectors’ in our reality defined as ‘culture’ and within that, be recognized as ‘someone’ more than the rest, which indicates that everything that I made myself keen on was always having a point of self interest that lead to the same cultivation, accumulation and ‘capitalization’ of myself as a character that could be sold to any corporation or cultural institution as an ‘eminence’ for having had such a ‘fascinating innate taste for arts’ which was in fact not so, I did it all myself of course in an attempt to create a sense of specialness within me when compared to my peers – and that was it.

 

When and as I see myself seeking to validate my past according to what I know, what I own, who I have been, the people I’ve met, the places I’ve been to, the preferences I cultivated, the ‘achievements’ I had in order to create an idea of ‘having lived a life,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that all of that can be gone in one second and still would not define ‘who I am’ at all, as who I am is here  as the physical body that is not defined any longer by a past lived as a series of characters shaped, formed, molded and adapted to what the entire configuration of our society/ world-system is based upon.

 

I realize that every time that I am able to stop myself from perpetuating the past as who I am in every moment, I am able to stop feeding the characters and the entire world-system wherein we always would end up seeking/ asking for ‘more’ in one way or another – hence it is a red flag point: when and as I see myself seeking for ‘something’ or ‘someone’ to get  a sense of fulfillment going into memories and pictures/ experiences of the past, I realize that I am not here as breath, but that I am only seeking to relieve an energetic experience that I can simply decide to stop in one single moment and step out of the mind character to focus on the physical reality that is here for me to participate in.

 

I commit myself to expose how culture as we know it has been the key to create a sense of ‘pride’ and ‘superiority’ as species within humanity wherein we’ve only elevated our egos to semi-god statuses for having being able to create such ‘marvels’ that we’ve defined as artistic expressions, but, has any of that in any way really supported who we are as physical living human beings? No.  Hence the necessity to stop deifying ourselves as our own grandiose life-stories of past events as ‘who we’ve been’ and start committing ourselves to get educated on everything we’ve missed and neglected while being infatuated and occupied in cultivating characters of limited and contrived expressions that were meant to be sold to the greatest bidder, feeding a system of abuse and greed as the highest acts on Earth.

 

I commit myself to clarify how none of our current ‘fascinations’ or cultural fetishes would exist if there was no media apparatus within our world-system, and that we would not have been continuing seeking for more and more ways to exploit this ego-social system, if we had not all been ‘globalized’ through our current means of communication which should and must exist for the purpose of getting to know each other, support each other to stop existing as characters that consume life, get to a point of self realization of the responsibility we hold toward each other and our reality and all the beings that we’ve affected the lives of in our path to this egoification of reality, and start living a process of self-correction in order to recognize once again what to Live in fact a  life in Equality.

 

What’s the point in feeding each other’s obsessions but a form of emotional/feeling dependence that leads us all to a point of madness in reality, the moment we’re not able to continue fueling and fulfilling such paltry experiences that exist Only in our minds. I Look at the reality that we’ve become: the media, the showbiz, the money biz, the politics, the laws, the culture, the insanity and all of it is simply pointing out: Red Flag, this is about to crash and burn, step out of it as soon as you can – however, we cannot step out/ escape from the system because we are it to the extent wherein it is stored in our very flesh and muscle tissue in our physical body, still defining who we’ve become until we decide to completely walk a process of self forgiveness and self corrective application in order to stop participating in such self-conditioned ways of ‘living’ which have never been life in fact.

 

The current dissatisfactions, frustrations, voids and giving up experiences that lead us to seek more ‘exciting ways’ of entertaining our lives, is only an elitist act that we ‘e indulged ourselves in as an actual luxury of being able to evolve our characters with weirder and more ‘specialized’ preferences as long as we have the basic needs at our reach. If we had no money, our lives would be different, I would not be writing here about me and my glorious past, but would be working 16 hours a day to make a living in the poorest conditions – or maybe even worse. And this is how it is only us that have the time and resources that must make a stand to stop feeding any form of self-consumption through the glorification of the go, but instead form part of the solutions required to be implemented in this world, wherein the lives of the people that Do have to work 16 hours a day is no longer part of the enslavement that we’ve accepted and allowed and neglected while pursuing our own happiness – it is our responsibility to speak up for those that Really in fact don’t have a voice.

 

Is ‘culture’ something that is available to All human beings? No – hence can it represent humanity in any way? No.

 

We’ve been liars and deceivers building a rosy type of reality upon the actual suffering and abuse that billions of beings are going through on a daily level – yet we filled our lives with depressions, fascinations, anger, frustrations, boredom and dullness as well as self hatred for being having just about a perfect normal life with little to worry about in terms of physical well being. It reveals to what extent we’ve taken life for granted, and to what extent we have only lived as characters in our minds, disregarding everything and everyone else.

 

I commit myself to expose the realities we’ve ‘lived’ at an individual level from the starting point of self-importance, self-interest and the ultimate cultivation of our own ego to remain divided and secluded in our pursuit-of-happiness bubbles we’ve defined as ‘our lives’ and ‘who we are.’

 

This is not living. Yet we are alive as our physical body breathing here can indicate us – hence there is some serious self-reflection to do in order to align ourselves to a physical definition of ‘Living Life’ and In Fact start focusing on that which requires our immediate attention, dedication and intervention, to first wake up from these mass hypnotic act we’ve all participated blindly in, and start waking each other up and step into the realization that: nothing and no one will change if we keep quiet about this, about what we are now realizing has been a lie supported by all and affecting all equally to detrimental positions that we are currently living in.

We are the only ones that can stop ourselves in every moment that we decide to breathe instead of being in character and focus on that which actually matters in our own individual realities and the world as a whole – it is only through deliberate care that we can in fact step out of the mass-media conditioning we’ve adopted as our ‘lifestyles,’ and realize that we can only continue living if we snap out of our own mass hypnosis and care to become actual living breathing beings.

 

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Tunnel Vision – 2012

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Catharsis

This is a word that I came across with through Sunette whose post I’ll place at the end of this entry for the sake of realizing how it is that we have created all forms of nice words to justify our own mindfucks – literally.

The point here is how this word has become part of the ‘basic formation’ within the study of arts/human expression and their psyche wherein traditional knowledge that goes as far as the Greek tradition is brought ‘here’ to teach people how it is that those that are ‘creators’ as ‘artists’ have this particular quirk, hoisted almost as this ‘special gift’ of being able to  ‘release themselves’ through the exacerbation of human emotions/feelings directed through certain form of performance/expression. This goes as far as the times of Aristotle who explained catharsis in his poetic as a process of ‘purification’ in an almost ‘spiritual’ way, the human purging itself through the expression of such emotions in an apparent ‘detached’ manner which is mostly allowed within theatrical representation in what was originally tragedy. That book is one of the basic ‘pillars’ that you get to read when being involved in some artistic study which I got to prove in two different careers.

The point here is how I ‘resonated’ with this single explanation as the key to justify my own identification with all the emotions and feelings I experienced as well as the continuation of them wherein I literally used this term to justify my experiences as a catalyzer to my ‘expression’. I got to read this book when I first went into studying literature  and since then it became ‘the banner’ I’d take to justify my decision to leave such career and get myself into arts, because ‘I had a lot to express’ rather than dissecting books in a ‘scientific method’. I remember the teachers in literature being very passionate on describing how wonderful human emotions are – there is a LOT of brainwashing going on in such acceptance of emotions as part of ‘human nature’ and any form of considered ‘art’.

So, this is how we go passing on from generation after generation the same bullshit that has been experienced as humanity within the safe tags of it being ‘knowledge’/tradition and ‘education’ wherein any person that gets themselves into an artistic career encounters this word and ‘feels comprehended’ as in ‘having found the place to be in’ because that’s how I experienced myself without EVER pondering at all that such emotions and feelings weren’t actually ‘me’ or ‘real’ for that matter. I t is only now that we know they are energy-generated self-accepted thoughts that generate experiences that I accepted as ‘who I am’, while living in a constant shifty-mode of ups and downs and literally being subject to my emotions and relationships formed around that, while attempting to ‘make a career out of it’ –once again believing that this could ‘make sense’ at the end of it all and that there was a ‘place for me in this world’, wherein the ‘incomprehensible me’ could finally express and be ‘understood’ through being an emotional and sensitive person whose life-purpose was to ‘create art’.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to participate in the self-created experience named and accepted as ‘catharsis’ as the deliberate acts of exacerbating my emotions and feelings for the sake of believing I was ‘expressing myself’ as who I really am and ‘purging myself out’ through directing such outbursts and experiences in what I could deem as ‘artistic expression’, without having ever considered or even questioned the ‘nature’ of such experiences and how I had been the creator of them all throughout my life, never considering that such ‘tormented way’ of existing was in fact self-generated for the sake of making of my life ‘something’, some type of ‘experience’ to not feel ‘empty’ – within this accepting and allowing myself to build myself as a character that would be a prey of emotions and feelings and utilize excuses such as ‘catharsis’ to immerse myself in the depths of my own mind only to come up with anything out and manifest it as ‘part of who I am’ and ‘the need to express’ as ‘works of art’.

The only expression that I truly am exists here as breathe – in-out, one-two – and the rest is just my own mental creation really of which we I realize now I’ve got to take self responsibility for.

We have the ability to now decide and direct ourselves to stand as actual creators that don’t have to motivate themselves to do anything for the sake of ‘purging ourselves’, but instead realize that any build up of emotions and feelings can be self forgiven and within that, we enable us to have a blank page to walk upon each day, without having to check upon our mood-meter to see if we’re up for ‘creating’ or moving and working on something.

From Sunette’s writings:

“Studying, and came across the word: catharsis – “the purging of the emotions or relieving of the emotional tensions esp. through certain kinds of art as tragedy or music.”
http://dictionary.reference.co​m/browse/catharsis

One do not need/require music/art to purge/release/relieve self from/of accumulated / built-up energy that one manifested through/as time, breath by breath as self accepted and allowed self to participate in/as thoughts/memories of/as mind, as all the issues that self has not directed/resolved/solved within/as self.”

I met someone that I later shared with how I was walking this process through Desteni and Self Forgiveness and Writing ourselves to freedom. He insisted that his theatrical-class would have similar effects to what I had shared as the changing of me through stopping my emotions  and that he could experience a ‘release’ the moment of ‘becoming another’ and exerting all the anger and built up of emotions through such fictional character – yet played and lived-out by him. This is an example of  the infamous ‘Catharsis’ and how this man didn’t actually take on further the initiative to investigate HOW such emotional build up had been self-created throughout his life wherein he’d gotten himself to the point of ‘losing himself’ only to find then a ‘way’ to let all of his emotional body out through playing out a character on stage without taking the necessary steps to investigate how such anger and such charge of emotional rubbish was existent within him = in essence taking the tangent way out instead of daring to face himself as his own creation and take self responsibility for it. YET the point is justified within the ‘artistic world’ and even applauded as ‘great performance’ when the actual reality of such ‘human nature’ is not investigated and only ‘accepted’ as part of ‘who we are’; it’s ludicrous how such ‘tormented self experience’ is broadly accepted as part of the individuals that define themselves as ‘artists’. I stopped defining myself as such, I am a human being in the process of becoming a living-physical being, no more identification with any social-role that is defined and confined to be a bundle of emotions. And this is certainly broadly accepted by everyone within such artistic-worlds.

‘It’s always been this way, this is how we are, we are only humans’ – these are some of the usual sayings that justify  the fact that the human being is prey of his own feelings and emotions. I’ve heard people saying that they can only ‘create’ when they’re in a certain mood and how they can justify their inaction due to going through some ‘emotional release/conflict/whatever’ – and this IS then seen as ‘acceptable’! because of having the ‘credential’ of ‘being an artist’ and thus living out the stereotype of tormented sensitive character of existence that can have major uplifts and catastrophic down-hills that people then ‘applaud’ as the “creations” stemming from such liberation/purging are then praised as masterpieces.

Now, all of this I’m able to say in such detail because I’ve walked the point, I’ve believed this myself before, I’ve used it in public as a way to ‘justify what I do’. I used this point of knowledge as vantage point to justify myself as ‘my personality’, my mood, my feelings, my emotions, my attachment to constantly ‘been experiencing something’ and within this, man, the ‘artist’ tag really sucks. Everyone is a literal self-centered ego-maniac that believes that ‘to make real art, we have to suffer’ – that was me and thus the rest of my story in the previous blog which I suggest you read if you haven’t just for the sake of getting the scoop on how we live-out a point of justification within this world, a word that is ‘convenient’ for someone like an ‘artist’ to exist-as regardless of ever questioning HOW the fuck it is all self.created anyways. I can only be glad that I stopped myself before going deeper into the rabbit hole of this ‘emotional-driven creation’ justification.

“Only releasing/relieving/purging self from/of such emotions/feelings is not a long-term/eternal solution that’ll bring change within self and self’s world, because the cause/source/origin of what manifested/created the reactions in the first place hasn’t been identified and so, if one only accept/allow self to purge/release/relieve the energy, self will walk into a time-loop and recreate the same conditions and even worse, because the same unresolved issues/problems within self will layer and layer and layer and eventually manifest self into a possessive-state and take-out self’s unresolved issues onto/towards others or one’s world as the manifested-consequence for not facing what self is accepting and allowing to hide/suppress/ignore within/as self.

Assist/support self with self forgiveness together-with self-corrective application, become the catharsis within/as one’s own world/living – through taking responsibility for one’s internal issues/problems and reactions by releasing self from the energy-reactions and at the same time, through writing – establish effective, directive solutions for the issues/problems self face within self and self’s world and accordingly change one’s living/behaviour to that of solutions; rather than hiding/mulling within the problems within self and self’s world making one’s life unnecessarily more difficult than it’s required to be.

In this, self assist/support self to identify the issue/problem – stop the energy-reactions, find and establish a solution and so make a change within self and self’s world where self will no more accept/allow the same issues/problems to accumulate / manifest and in this process, actually expand self within ‘who self is and how/what self live’.
Be/become a being of change/transformation and expansion – join us in the process of writing, self forgiveness and self-corrective action.” – Sunette Spies

So after reading this self-support point, here redefining Catharsis as the actual lived process of purging myself of any feeling and or emotion as the participation of myself in my mind that I have justified as ‘necessary for creation’ / to create/ to be creative and within that, ensure that anytime that I express myself is here as myself as breath of life without existing in any emotional charge that I then go ‘praising’ as part of my ‘sensitive side of being a human being that feels’ and stops for the sake of seeing things for what they are and thus, direct myself according to stopping such self-created experiences. I see and realize that I’ve lived up to the expectation of a preprogrammed word that in essence holds irresponsibility and negligence towards any self created experience as feelings/emotions.

I stop the accepted and allowed existence and knowledge-point from such word  being lived out/ experienced and/or justified as myself as part of ‘who I am’ within any point of expression and instead, commit myself to  face me and realize that only an ego requires justification to do something, only an ego requires validation and further confirmation of being an experience created in the mind and being cheered for that.

So, quite easy to live in a simplistic way once that such constant requirement to ‘be experiencing something to create’ is stopped. Then we don’t go seeking for ‘inspiration’ or any other life experience to then have something to speak about. We rather get real and express ourselves as what we’ve become, that’s kind of like written educational cautionary tales that can support many to realize what we’ve realized through our life experience.Instead we live out the correction to actually LIVE as being here breathing, physically, directing ourselves, stopping any mind experience and within this existing as actual self-expression that can be equated to breathing as what’s supportive of a life-process.

 

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Wording myself to Worth

Breaking through my own religion –that is the ‘Marlen’ religion – was the expansion that I required for the sake of realizing that I didn’t have to be bound to a single idea that I had built of myself around others – once that fear of ‘getting out of my parameters’ is gone, one can simply express and live and BE for the very first fucking time without projecting on to ‘how others are seeing me’

 

This I can link to self-acceptance. I had a hard time trying to fit to that which I knew was considered acceptable by others – therefore I played out the opposite because I knew that the ‘pretty’ was also fake so, became that polarity point which was also image based, pretending to not care yet I did, extensively – and within that I justified myself and considered that I didn’t want to create myself as the perfect picture that others want me to be. See how it was always ‘others see me/ others want me to be’ and within that, I enslaved myself to these ideas of who I am, who I must be, what I must look like for such person to like me – all about being accepted by outside points instead of having ever looked at myself as Self-Acceptance.

 

This is  a point that I walked and faced extensively at the farm. Physically walking through the point of realizing the constant self judgment in relation to my physical body, finally opening up the point to make it inevitably obvious and thus start embracing myself. That’s been like a constant throughout my life and it was also pretty much based on the pictures we see in our world, how we basically get bombarded to be a certain way to be ‘the coolest looking people on Earth’ – within this, because of belittling myself, not being ‘good enough’ and even considering my design to be extremely fucked up, I allowed myself to simply seek for acceptance from another within relationships and within that, basically enslaving myself to that point of acceptance outside of myself. I couldn’t bare the idea of being left out of the game, I got to see how I’d be petrified by these ideas – this is the ‘true nature’ an obsessive,  possessive being that could not stand on her own two feet without being defined by another in a relationship of any kind.

 

The point of self acceptance came in various ways and I realized that I could not possibly be ‘supporting myself’ for real if I didn’t have this point in place. Within this, I got great support from resonances to see how I hadn’t allowed myself to recognize and worth myself by what I’ve actually been and done and accepting that self-respect that is actually able to be embraced once we stop wanting to be this ‘ideal’ that we have of ourselves, once we stop ourselves from merely seeking recognition and validation from outside sources and start accepting ourselves for ourselves. Only minds require external validation to continue existing – this is how we go through that withdrawal of getting that constant ego-feed by others to validate our existence which is how we get to be literally addicted to each other, just because we haven’t allowed ourselves to be with ourselves, to accept and care for ourselves alone.

 

Once this point of accepting ourselves is in place, then standing with another or not becomes more of an extra point of support than a constant need, yearning, desire or requirement. The first relationship must be with ourselves – I’ve certainly experienced that ability to stand alone and it’s been quite cool yet, also have to realize that no man’s an island and we cannot remain in our comfort zone alone.

 

So the starting point for any relationship won’t be that of wanting or seeking validation, but actually supporting myself to walk with another in facing the points that are still existent within me yet not seeing them because of not having such buttons being pushed – I breathe and realize that I may still be reluctant to this point though, as long as I hold on to an ideal, I’ll never be satisfied with myself – so self acceptance is the first point to then stand one and equal as ourselves first, like integrating ourselves back to ourselves which is something that no one will do for ourselves, we’ve got to actually for the very first time start appreciating and caring ourselves for ourselves – only then can we see what we’ve missed all this time by going looking for validation and recognition outside of ourselves and within that, simply getting locked into relationships wherein only validation and worth is sought through another without ever realizing it was me first accepting and caring for myself for what I am because this is who we are, this is who we walk as in this world.

 

Self Acceptance didn’t come overnight and still any other day that the point comes up or I’m confronted with it, I have to continue applying myself, bringing myself back here to common sense and not go into the back-past usual patterns of wanting recognition, seeking validation from others because I hadn’t allowed myself to accept myself in the first place.

 

It’s very cool to see how this is a process that I’ve walked and that I’m certainly stable within, it comes up at times of course but I am able to redirect myself and not allow myself to go into it that much re-creating the past experiences of ‘longing’ for another mind system to value me – I’m here and I’m the only one that can fully care for myself hence the importance of establishing ourselves as our starting point, of doing it all for ourselves – the moment we do it for something/ someone separate from ourselves we’ll eventually have to face the point and let go of it because it’s not real anyways.

 

What’s real is here as ourselves, as the truth of ourselves and within that, there is no way we can depend on anything to validate our existence – we simply have to realize ourselves as what’s here and thus first begin by supporting ourselves and from there, we can only continue working through the rest of the points in this reality –See, I realize that this is not a cool world we’re living in, nor am I trying to be optimistic about it – yet, we’re not going anyway and what I’ve realized is we can’t simply continue existing in such self hatred, self-rejection and self sabotage that only contributes to the current fuckedupness in this world. Like I would be very depressed about this world before yet never realized that by me being the embodiment of that as myself I was actually contributing to such mind-state that’s so common in the world.

 

When I allowed myself to stop participating in it, I saw how it’s much cooler to start actually exploring our expression, to let go of our patterns and get to live – to be with others as an expansion of ourselves, not wanting or needing or requiring anything, but simply expressing and sharing within walking a process of realizing: we are here as Equals and we can actually get to accept and care for ourselves if we actually allow us to do so.

 

Misery loves company – so I no longer seek such type of company – I can only be grateful with myself and anyone that has allowed me to see that I require to be my starting point, that I’ve gotta do this for myself because no one else will, that I have to create this care that I never even considered I didn’t have towards myself – we’ve missed ourselves our entire lives, we’ve missed that ability to live and so we’re here because we have a chance, we simply have to do it, to actually stop acting from the program and get ourselves moving.

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to belittle myself, for believing that I’m not ‘good enough’, that I’m not ‘worthy’ enough and within this I realize that I can only worth myself as life according to that which I practically live and apply as myself to actually stand as that life-worth that I am as what’s here as that which I’ve tampered though thoughts of belittling and self-deprecation.

I accept and care for myself as the realization of who I am as life

 I see and realize that there is no other ‘value’ that I can give to myself but I can only worth myself as life through practically living a life that is  worth-while living in, that which I can see is best for myself and best for all as Equals as I realize how we’ve enslaved each other within seeking for validation, recognition within the ideas of ourselves instead of simply accepting ourselves as equals to then start exploring what self expression can be.

I work and walk through the past as the patterns I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist as yet I make sure I stop defining myself as them because I see and realize that they only stood for the limitation that I believed myself to be.

I no longer require to be validated by anyone as I realize that I can only exist as life, as the worth that we’re all one and equal as – I no longer allow myself to compare or think of myself as ‘inherently flawed’ but instead work through strengthening my resolve to stand and stop the recurring patterns as I continue walking breathing, facing myself and making sure I don’t become the engine that runs the self-deprecation pattern ever again.

This is an ongoing process, and here we walk.


Leaving Dreams to Live the Dream into Reality

I Threw some rocks off in the sea.

And by this I mean downloading that which we have seen for ourselves already yet probably not exposed as such before, but merely let go of while walking and realizing that there is some weight we all carry around like stones – memories.

Letting go of memories is part of walking this process of Self Honesty within the realization that: I am not my memories as I am not this prefab mind that has existed only with the purpose of fulfilling some preordained life-track that I’ve merely followed as ‘myself’ as ‘who I am’, believing myself to be all the feelings and emotions that I had experienced, that’d take me to that up and down ride in quite a disruptive manner – man, it wasn’t cool. Even if I’d kid myself about ‘feeling alive’ when going in these rides, I knew that I wouldn’t have been able to keep myself existing that way for a long time, seemed to tiring, seemed like I could drive myself nuts at any time – yeah, that’s how it was when I’d participate on the mind extensively mostly generating emotions and feelings around this.

A part of the rocks I’ve thrown at the sea is all these dreams that I had in relation to ‘who I want to be’ – lol when I write this several images come up and a twitch on my left knee indicate: yep, this is it: Egoland!

Sweet Dreams are Made of this

So! First memory of ‘what I wanted to be’  was an astronaut. As a kid – and I didn’t even know how to read at that age so it must’ve been a bit early on – I used to take this book about the space travels and the universe and I’d go page by page looking at the pictures just wanting to be Buzz Aldrin or someone like that. I seriously considered on my early ages becoming one until my oldest sister said: nah, your eyesight is not cool and your heart has a slight arrhythmia – you would never make it past their rigorous medical exams to test health condition. So, I gave up the dream just like that – saw myself unfit for it.

Next on was ‘ I wanna be in a rock band’ yeah! As a ‘kid’ later on mostly around 7 I became fond of watching music videos on MTV. I developed a taste for the rebels that I’d see on tv as ‘rock people’ and so, yeah I wanted to be one of them. My heroes weren’t cartoon people but women that were leading rock bands or any other girl that’d be in all-male bands so, you can get the picture of it. I developed a lot of my then personality around that, extensively – though I’ve accepted some of those traits as myself to be open and share and express regardless of any limitation I perceived, so that’s cool – yeah won’t deny I also walked through the ‘shadowy’ part of it, but that’s another story. Being in a band was my ‘third option’ in terms of ‘professional career’

The dream I had when I was on my teens – this was around 2001 was – and I’m gonna write it literally – being the editor in chief of Spin magazine – lol. Yes I enjoyed music, I still do, I was obsessed with music and had gathered a lot of information about it, I was a devoted music junky for some time which occupied most of my time so I was kind of ‘preparing’ myself because I wanted to someday get an internship at that magazine and ‘make it’ to New York and have a super fab loft living on the big apple, having some nice coffee next door, writing for this magazine, hanging out with artists and party in New York. I used to read books that were mostly related to or based in New York, lots of Beat books and generation x-related content. I wanted to ‘make it’ through my writing and at the same time, be writing for what I then thought was ‘the coolest music magazine ever’. Lol I actually got to know more about that job and how demanding and actually nut-driving it is, hardcore stuff – won’t say names of the source of info, but I’m glad I got to know that I didn’t actually pursue that dream. Lol ‘pursue’, I didn’t buy into the dream any further later on when my interests started veering towards other directions.

In between the music-magazine editor point, I simply wanted to write books – that’s still able to be done as a self-supportive action so I wont’ count that one off just yet –

Next was what eventually became my career: I want to be an artist in terms of painting, photographer or something related to visual arts. After I had spent some time playing the guitar and bass I realized that I enjoyed music too much but stressed me out to play – well there’s actually kind of a back story within this. Okay I’ll share because it’s relevant to see how we accept and allow ourselves to be limited by others. My then friend/partner would be very critical towards me playing, I would be quite nervous when playing with him, I felt unsure about the sound of it all and even if he taught me and was doing it to make everything sound better, I started simply fearing playing with him and within that suppressing myself and believing that I’m not ‘good enough’ to play music – so I stopped. I would not be chasing a career in music either as I didn’t see it as a practical thing to do in terms of my context and I stopped practicing as much to dedicate myself to painting wherein I thought I had found the ‘true love’ lol.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to suppress my expression and believe that I wasn’t ‘good’ at playing instruments without realizing that I wasn’t only playing at the standards and requirements of another – within this

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to limit myself believing that I had to stop playing music because of not being ‘good at it’ and within that, simply leaving the entire music creation based on that single self-accepted belief of ‘what I’m good at’

I realize I only limited myself out of my own belief and taking others’ judgments as a fact of ‘who I am’ which is the point I forgive myself for to never allow myself to belittle myself in terms of being capable of doing something out of the belief, idea as judgment that I could ever harbor within myself upon myself.

So yes, it was 2003 and Marlen got a craving for painting. I limited myself within it from the very beginning, I knew I’d be wanting to make lots of paintings so I bought some cheap watercolors which were more like colorful liquid inks and started working with that for the entire summer. I had ‘so much to say’ … looking at my pictures back then I could see much of the stuff I had participated in terms of being a self-tormented being, belittling myself, seeing myself as unworthy and kind of existing in this constant desire for a certain relationship – man it sucked but painting and doing ‘my thing’ became a resort through my highschool years – that’s where I began drawing. Never saw myself as ‘great’ doing it, but I knew I had something to say, probably never had the virtuoso skills but still that’s the dream that I chased far enough.

When I finished highschool, I wanted to go straight into arts school but my parents didn’t want me to leave home and go to the ‘big city’ so, I applied and got into university in my home city wherein I studied my second choice for one year: literature and linguistics. That was cool for a while but I knew I could not spent my days revisiting old greek books and trying to find something else in there – I wanted to create. And so after long hours of discussing the point, I got actually motivated by a then friend of mine to apply for two art schools in Mexico City – and so I did. Lol I was so fearful because I knew that there was a possibility for my parents to not allow me to do it, or support me in that, but I did it anyway and it turned out I got into the National Arts School and so the ‘dream’ began.

I was so happy for having ‘made it’, like actually convincing my parents to go there and convincing myself that ‘this was it’ that I was going to actually do what I had always wanted to be: an artist.

I breathe and I’m here – I began that career in the fall of 2006, just today I saw an exhibition of the art work that people do on their first year – you can see all the ‘dreams’ in their work, that drive, that dedication. I was like that the first year full on, head on, seeking to have the best reputation which I kind of obtained from my teachers that year. Living alone and so forth was like ‘liberating’ in so many ways, totally enjoyed it.

Second year began and my drive to ‘search’ for something else than art began – or the mix thereof with a ‘higher purpose’. Yes, the lightworker design was kicking in a lot and so I spent hours and hours not paying much attention to art but philosophies and religions and occultism because I was seeking for God – lol. Now I laugh but man, it was quite extensive to say the least. One of my dreams was creating a new religion, an all encompassing religion, one that would bring the best of all that I had read into one – fascinating because I ‘d take notes and kind of get overtly excited about it at the time. I wanted to have a ‘certainty’ of the religion/ practice I’d follow to then base my art upon it and create a new ‘sacred art’ devoted for that single ‘dream’ that I had of serving god or serving a ‘greater purpose’ and what I had deemed was my ‘Mission in Life’

LOL Yeah the infamous mission in life – okay, so that all mixed up with my intense desires of being famous which actually got me into having my first artist flick in an exhibition abroad wherein I got to see the ‘true colors’ of fame and art as a business and so forth – had a great time in what I called the beginning of the end of Marlen as that bunch of dreams started crumbling down. I’m so glad I had that early experience on ‘being an artist’ and doing promotion and having the life of a ‘famous one’ man, it sucks! lol and I was so into ‘meditation’ and ‘stilling the mind’ and all Alan Watts type of books that to me having to be ‘promoting myself’ was too disruptive for the ego that I was creating of a calm and “spiritual being” while I was already quite hooked on weed which would lead me to buy in some other country and kind of being driven by that desire all the time – yikes. Anyways, the downward spiral began there, november 20007. I knew there was something going on like ‘death’ was on the air. Yes the death of all those dreams because I saw myself not enjoying it – art, fame, fortune suddenly seemed like a nasty thing to be craving for and so all I wanted is for it to end though, I can see how I required to go through that to then be able to say: this is it! This is not my idea of a good time.

Got back to Mexico, school and the ‘glory’ of a first exhibition abroad, saw how easy it is to grow one’s ego upon stuff like that, saw how easy it is to take on the role that the world expects you to play. I breathe and I’m here and I remember how from there I wanted to create a non-mainstream type of art, a ‘sacred art’. Got myself into more esoteric stuff, alchemy, tarot, many other stuff until I got to the mayan calendar and from there into Desteni.

I don’t require to explain anything else from there on – all the dreams crumbled down when I realized what a selfish mind I had been all the way, just wanting to have all the fame, fortune and glory and promoting some ‘god’ that doesn’t exist. I had quite a breakdown the first few days like ‘Oh my god! I’m not Real! this has all been a scam!’ Lol – but anyways got over it as I started exchanging emails with people at Desteni and got immediate support to start walking my process – that was January/Febuary 2008 and the rest is history.

Right now I’ve completed my credits on this career and I’ll certainly open up points that I see in relation to that ‘dream’ that I followed and the reality of it at this moment and how I’m linking that to the actual creation and creative process of creating myself as an actual human living being.

Throwing such stones of ‘dreams’ away seemed like the hardest thing to do at some point for me – they were this ‘thing’ that would apparently ‘keep me running’, like this ‘chase’ that I was striving for and willing to do anything for. It became quite clear how when I realized that all those dreams stood for nothing else than personal glory that I had in fact never ever considered dedicating myself to something that could be Best for All – I saw myself as having ‘something to say’ in relation to changing the world, but never actually becoming that point myself first. So I had to stop being a wreck of emotions and feelings and habits that were certainly unsustainable and got myself on-line with regards to myself, extensively self forgiving my past, letting go of regrets, letting go of the relationship that I had literally built myself around to keep in place – man, that was a hard one and till this day I still get thoughts on that, imagine therefore: constant self direction is required – and other points had to be let go of such as seeking this ‘fame’ that I had realized was not what I was looking for.

It became fascinating to see how everything that I did within Desteni became that actual rewarding self experience for myself. I finally ‘felt’ that I had found my place as I was starting to create myself as that which is supportive themselves and supporting others on the way – this is simply IT I mean, what other dream is there to fulfill but the actual realization of who we are as Life and within that actually creating a world that’s best for all? I wanted that, I sought for that but never found the way to it.

We got the way, we are here creating and paving the way beginning with ourselves. I threw out those rocks of illusions and dreams to actually get myself grounded on my two feet and actually work with myself to stop pursuing dreams and get into creating myself as a single point in this reality that can take on a position to create an actual change in this world, a position of supporting this entire process, a position wherein I’m most effective within the overall outcome which must be Equality as Life – and from this it’s actually walking the dream that I had sought for through my existence, yet all the preprogrammed desires had to be placed aside to actually get to see that I can actually will myself to do this without it being a pre-laid desire or wish to do in my reality. That’s where self creation kicks in, that’s where self-will and the actual movement of myself within this comes in.

The weight is off as I’ve seen the ‘dreams’ for the illusions they were, for the personal desires they stood for which were all experienced based really, all but flicks of spontaneous glitter that would inevitably go off leaving me with the same ‘void’ that I tried to ‘fill’ from the very beginning.

Once I realized there is no void to be empty of, but to actually start considering myself as all that exist I am in the process of creating myself as that dream that is doable, feasible within the terms of what’s best for all – the dream is no longer ego-based but life-based, a collective dream that many of us around the world are walking into a reality – that’s Desteni and I’ve never been that grateful in my existence for having this opportunity to finally GET REAL and step down from my smoky clouds of house of cards that I’d built for personal entertainment.

What’s best for all is best for you is best for me – that’s the ultimate dream to realize through practical application of us giving to another what we want for ourselves, of us actually standing as a new human being that doesn’t require to fulfill fallacious dreams, but is willing to stand as a pillar for Life in Equality, ‘giving up’ the illusion that we were anyways and birthing ourselves into actual physical beings that can create a system that’s actually beneficial for all living beings on Earth.

Now our reality is here, no we walk as equals and make sure we get to create our dream to come true: Equal Money System that will enable all other dreams to come true once we’re no longer fighting for survival, fighting for each other and fighting over our own self-accepted limitations.

I don’t have or require any other dream in life but creating a world that’s best for all because within that all the other dreams would simply become an actual choice of experience instead of something that I wanted to to do ‘escape the system’ – no way, we’re here to change the system works and within that, liberating all life forms in this world from the enslavement of ourselves as our minds projected into a reality that believed in a heaven and salvation – that’s no more.

We’re here and walking our dreams into reality, a single dream that no longer stands for that ever elusive chain of desires and wishes based on money and fortune– all I want in life is for ALL to have a dignified Life as Equals–from there, I can see myself being fulfilled as an actual living being and thus having the actual time and disposition to explore life for real.

This is Not over yet, it only just begun.


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