27. It’s always only been me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify everything and everyone I see with my eyes with a particular judgment that will allow me to believe that ‘I know it/ know them’ when in fact, all that I have been always been looking at is only a picture that I define and categorize within my mind according to the value schemes that I have created toward everything/ everyone at a face value, not realizing that everything I see is the reflection of my own mind as judgments, ideas, beliefs or perceptions wherein the moment that I impose this idea/ belief/ judgment onto others, I am becoming my own dictator over reality as I have not even allowed myself to get to know me as my own mind, and I have dared to judge and pretend that I know others just by a single glance at them.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to cultivate this idea within me as a child of being apparently able to ‘know what a person is all about’ just by looking at them, when in fact it was just me creating the idea/ belief and perception of such person through my own eyes

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was always ‘right’ when it came to the visual judgments that I would create onto others in order to identify ‘what they’re all about,’ wherein I never realized how I was becoming the very judge, dictator and boundary to actually get to know another, simply because of becoming my own selective-color function, wherein all colors as people/ personalities that I ‘didn’t like,’ I would not bother to talk to/ get to know simply because of deeming them as ‘not compatible’ with myself, which was only following the judgment at a face value of ‘who another is’ which is always only me reflecting my own value-scheme toward everything and everyone as separate from me.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become an elitist in my own mind wherein I would only be open and friendly toward people that at face value I would deem would be ‘similar to me’ or that I would be able to get along with, simply because of the image that I would perceive them to be, be recorded/ assessed as part of the people that are ‘cool’ and that I would like to communicate with/ get to know, while doing the exact opposite toward people that at face value I would judge as incompatible with myself, not being ‘in the same realm,’ and in that becoming the very separator that fuels the current existence wherein while standing divided in our personal-religions as self-image and constantly projecting judgments onto each other, we become absentees of the physical reality, wherein all that we have cared for is how we look/ how we present ourselves to then try and manipulate ‘how others will see us,’ which is all based in keeping track of my own ego as what I have accepted and allowed myself to become, a simply and image.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be perceived as simplistic by how I look, without realizing that in this I am still wanting and expecting to be ‘judged by others,’ instead of simply becoming the point that stops judging myself, creating judgments in my mind and projecting them to everything/ everyone wherein I have been constantly expecting to be judge because  have become the very perpetual judge myself toward me and all that I have deemed is separate from myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imprint an energetic experience of superiority every time that I could have the ability to judge another for ‘who they are’ and assessing whether I see myself as superior or inferior toward the judgment that I create of the, wherein I would then act accordingly toward them. This implies an automated experience hen being with people, regardless of them being close acquaintances or simply people in public places, which implies that I have become the very judge of my reality in separation of myself for the sake of constantly being assessing me as a certain ‘value’ in comparison to others.

When and as as I see myself assessing others to ponder whether I am ‘more’ or ‘less’ than others according to the judgments I project onto them that actually stem from myself and my mind only – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am able to stop the judgments in the moment and focus on the physical reality to simply breathe and continue moving/ walking and directing myself in the physical reality.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to become angry at people that I would deem as ‘judgmental,’ without realizing that I had become the very epitome of judgment in its full splendor simply because of being able to judge another with the very same application that I was existing as in that very moment, which is the proof that when I am in my mind, I am always justifying my judgments and assessments as ‘acceptable,’ without ever really seeing that I was only playing out the secret judge in order to ‘be in control’ of my environment, seeking to be always ‘guarding’ myself toward potential beings that could be ‘judging myself, which indicates the level of my self-created paranoia toward others beings being constantly judging me, which was always only me judging myself at all times.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever become absolutely freaked out by people staring at me, because of me believing that they were judging me/ lusting at my image when in fact, it was all self-created as an idea that I have created of myself as a picture that can be infinitely judged and lusted upon, which has become an ingrained aspect of constantly ‘guarding myself’ from ‘potential judges’ which are mostly men that I have created a pattern of rejection and arrogance toward whenever I have believed that they are only judging me and lusting over my body.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become deliberately hostile, rude, laconic toward beings that I would perceive and believe to be judging me, when in fact I was only hearing to the backchat in my head that eventually would become my experience toward such beings, believing that ‘I was always right’ in thinking that they were judging me, when in fact several times I got to prove myself wrong, giving myself a slap on the face with a white glove, simply because I would then be faced with the remorse and regret of having judged someone based on my own value-schemes, which had prevented me from communicating with the beings. And when I was actually able to communicate with them, I would realize that I had simply been ‘wrong’ and ‘mean’ toward them for no reason, really.

 

So, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I always had to ‘assess a being’ to see  how I would behave toward them, which would be a usual ‘application-mode’ when meeting people such as ‘assessing them in my mind, ‘ to then see ‘what they’re all about,’ and then deciding who I am going to be toward them, wherein I would deliberately camouflage myself to fit the moment/ event/ person/ situation to mirror my own judgments toward such people, which meant that I would be limiting ‘who I am’ to a single judgment/ definition of how I perceive others to be, never realizing that it was Never about ‘them’ but always about me and how I would become the very judgments that I projected onto others, simply because of believing that ‘like attracts like, ‘ and in that manipulate the situation according to a desired outcome of being ‘attractive’ for others or existing as the exact opposite, all in the name of taking my ego for a ride of self-gratification by either adulation or rejection, reducing my life experience to being a constant on and off, in and out, good and bad, happy or dismal, fulfilled or unfulfilled, while always having missed the constancy and consistency that my physical body would grant myself with in every moment that it would endure my constant existence of self-judgment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play the game in society wherein according to what you wear, you become a character that is able to get along with similar characters, even when perceiving that I could have a no-image/ no –character simply because of within my mind, existing within this idea that I am the clothes that I wear and that I still want to portray myself in a certain image that can be identified as a particular definition that can suit in other’s minds as someone that looks always the same.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define what I wear as a projection of the image-based idea of simplicity, when in fact I am simply caging myself yet into another idea of ‘me being the clothes that I wear,’ because this would apparently allow me to be judged by others as ‘simple/ always looking the same’ according to the clothes that I wear.

 

I realize that the fact that I wear similar clothes simplifies my every day living wherein the focus is on how I experience myself within the clothes that I wear  – if they are physically supportive or not – instead of seeing them as part of the image that I define myself as and how I want to be seen by others, which is still existing as a point of expected judgment according to how others see me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever discriminate/ judge/ diminish people for what I would deem as a hideous attitude when in fact, all that I was judging was myself as a hideous attitude that I would actually become myself the very moment that I would dare to judge another as a ‘hideous person.’

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become a self-righteous person when it came to judging people/ assessing/ profiling others wherein I believed that ‘I as always right,’ which comes from the ingrained belief that I could in fact have some type of ‘gift’ that n no one else had when it came to being able to assess other beings’ life according to being 15 minutes in their house, hearing them speak, move, seeing what they wear, what they own, how they interact with others, wherein I would then create a definitive assessment of ‘who they are/ what they are all about,’ which now that I see, would usually end with perceiving most of the people to be just ‘fake’ and ‘hypocritical’ without realizing that I was the only critic and judge in that moment.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to sugar coat this automated judgment as ‘constructive criticism’ wherein I believed that through identifying someone’s flaws and strengths I was actually doing something ‘constructive’ in any way whatsoever, without realizing that such judgments can only exist within my own mind according to how I value and asses something/ someone according to my own mind-schemes of values acquired through a particular lifetime experience.

This means that any process of deliberating what is more valuable/ worthy within this reality and what is not, is essentially creating a world of further separation wherein we’ve got lost in categories, values, worth, seeking to be accepted and valuable at the eyes of others, never realizing that any ‘opinion’ or judgment created by another was only stemming from themselves as a reflection of their own mind – which implies that I have only been staring back at me every time that I tried to make a judgment about anything/ anyone.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever believe that by seeing everything in a beautiful manner = I would create beauty and happiness in my world, without realizing that I actually did create such experience not as an actuality, as an inherent property of the world being that of positivity/ beauty/ magnificence – but it only became a self-created projection as a mind-possession wherein in this desperate desire to seek for beauty/ and the experience of being ‘alive,’ I became my own positive-seeking demon, wherein I believed that things would happen to me ‘for a reason’ and that I was being rewarded by some ulterior forces because of being constantly seeking to see the bright side of the world, without ever pondering if I had only simply been the creator of such experiences within my own mind, without any actual manifestation of ‘beauty’ or ‘aliveness’ existing as an actual property of the beingness of  beings/ things in my reality.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that every time that I judged someone as hypocrite, it was me existing as hypocrisy staring back at me, as a judgment of my own mind that I created and used to project onto others in a form of superiority as in ‘knowing better’ and believing myself to be ‘not hypocrite’ because ‘I’ was the one that was able to ‘spot’ hypocrisy on others.

I realize that this unnecessary cycle of self judgment can be stopped when and as I see myself looking at another and perceiving them as ‘hypocrite’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am only reflecting my own mind at another and that obstructs my ability to communicate and interact with another without any preconceived idea of ‘who they are’ based on ‘what they look like.’

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that every time that I perceived and judged another as ‘hostile,’ I was in fact simply reflecting my own hostility toward others, wherein I would reflect back that hostility as my own judgment staring back at me – this means that I would become the very judgment that I would project onto others/ or act out the exact opposite, such as deliberately being more friendly/ warm as per personality definition according to the situation I was in.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always become the judgment that I would project onto others in my mind, wherein I would be the actual cause of the perceived ‘communication gone wrong,’ wherein I would create an entire inner experience of being ‘misunderstood,’ without realizing that I had secretly projected a judgment toward another such as being ‘hostile,’ and as a response, I would become hostile myself and ‘shaping it’ into ‘my own personality’ which was that of self-victimization as in ‘being misunderstood’ when communicating with another.

 

When and as I see myself judging another as being hostile toward me – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am simply reflecting back that which I am existing as in the moment of judging another, regardless of the ‘shade of judgment,’ I see, realize and understand that in order to stand one and equal to all and everything, I have to stop any automated judgment to exist within my own mind. I direct myself to continue participating in the physical moment without assessing the event further in my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that whenever I judged another as being probably ‘bored’ with me, it was me reflecting back what I was judging myself as in the moment, wherein through projecting my own judgment in my secret mind and not communicating about it, I would become that boredom and fedupness myself, wherein I would then be existing in an energetic possession of ‘boredom’ and ‘dullness’ that would set the tone for the moment when and while being with another, which would cause the entire point of communication to be non existent and into what I had perceived as an uncomfortable silence, while resorting to distract myself with any other picture/ image in my environment to shove away the experience.

 

When and as I see myself projecting the judgment toward others as ‘them being bored with me,’  – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am in fact only projecting that which I am judging myself for, wherein through a process of becoming such judgment, I have in fact been the creator of my experience toward others, without having ever taken responsibility for it and instead, remain in the usual self-victimized state wherein I could remain secretly blaming another for what I would experience within me as a result of my own mind projection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use what I see as a vice of self-judgment, wherein I believed that I had the ability to judge what is good/ bad, beautiful/ ugly, magnificent/ hideous and in that, becoming my own dictator that would create my experience toward everything/ everyone according to How I have judged others/ everything ‘outside of myself,’ instead of realizing that I am able to stand one and equal toward everything/ everyone by stopping all judgments and focusing on the physical reality that I am participating in the moment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify myself with the image I see of myself in the mirror, which is only a reflection at a mind level of who I really am

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the image that I see on the mirror believing that an image is all that I exist as, when in fact this is what I have accepted and allowed everyone and everything else to be diminished to within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify myself as a set of preferences according to the pictures I see in reality, diminishing my beingness here in the moment of breath to become a single definition of what I have accepted and allowed myself to become, now that I see and realize that everything that I have always perceived/ judged and defined ‘others/everything’ outside of myself has only been me defining myself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that my believed ability to see another being’s nature by looking at them in one glance was only me looking at myself as my own mind.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that by me ‘judging people first’ before ‘them,’ I would take a certain advantage toward others wherein ‘I’ could be ahead of them/ superior to them/ faster than them in being able to judge myself – within this I forgive myself that I always accepted and allowed myself to believe me to be faster/ more ‘aware’ of people and the environment wherein I would be immediately assessing ‘who I would be’ according to how I had judged the person, the place, the environment, the situation in order for me to achieve the expected outcome, wherein ‘I’ could always win and get things done the way that I wanted.

 

I realize that I have only been always looking back at me, which implies that for me to be able to stand one and equal as my mind, as everyone and everything else, I must stop existing as a constant judge within my mind, wherein I make sure that I become the point that stops all values, assessments, perceptions that create further separation from myself being able to exist here as the constancy and consistency of the physical which doesn’t require to be judged in order to exist.

 

I commit myself to continue stopping any automated judgments onto people in order to be able to walk here in the world wherein no judgment as thought, energetic experience toward anything/ anyone is created which would indicate that I simply shifted into my mind to ‘think’ about reality/ the situation instead of simply living it.

 

I commit myself to stop believing that I have any special ability to assess people and ‘know them’ without even talking to them, just by face value, which I deemed as a ‘positive trait’ within me, without realizing that such characteristic is as flimsy as any other belief that I know and realize are not real, and that I have only been the creator of myself as this secret judge at all times, wherein I believe that ‘how I see people,’ is ‘who the are,’ in that in fact only becoming someone that fears being judged because of  me having existed as this constant judge myself toward me and everyone, now realizing that it’s always been me.

 

I commit myself to take back to self any judgment that I do see emerges in the moment to get to see how I created it and  practically walk it through writing, applying self-forgiveness for accepting and allowing such point of separation to exist within me and walk the necessary correction according to the realization that in order for me to stand here as one and equal, no point of judgment as separation can exist, for I don’t require to judge to breathe.

 

Share with us at the Desteni Forum and walk the process of ‘Man know thyself’ to eventually stop existing as knowledge and become the living word.

 

 

Interviews:

• Atlanteans – How we became the Mind’s Foundation – Part 31

• Life Review – My Life of Losing Relationships

 

Blogs:

• Is the Mind MATTER? – Part One: DAY 26

• Day 26: Grey Matter Invasion – EARTH OCCUPIED

VLog:

• 2012: 7 Year Process – Stopping Judgements – YouTube

 

Check out Joao Jesus’ song: Who am I? and smooth your life for a moment.

Day 4–Lugubrious Romantic

The word implies that which I have identified with before as an ‘artist’ and the usual miserable/ victimized experience that I created for myself within this particular ‘view’ upon life. That in itself implies having a constant ‘filter’ through which I would view the world, with a sense of despair and hopelessness which has taken me quite a while to stop as I participate in my world. It even became like a constant facial expression as if something troubled me, concerned me or worried me too much,  a constant sense of apprehension toward reality. This eventually became part of what I would write, draw, paint and specifically my inner experience while taking photographs, always a sense of ‘nostalgia’ lol – quite the usual personality-fix for a tormented personality.

I watched a vlog that I made on being a ‘visual vicious’ and I realized how much I had resisted facing this point due to the ‘hold’ I created toward it as ‘my personality’ as ‘my specialness’ – which is now here, opened up and ready to be debunked again.

 

The word ‘Romance’ came up at the Forum and I decided to investigate the meaning of it further. I found the following definition which resonated with what I had ‘lived as’ throughout my life, and that I am still walking-through when it comes to a daily interaction with my environment and the experience of myself while doing so.

Romance:
a quality or feeling of mystery, excitement, and remoteness from everyday life.

 

And I also found Adam’s blog Getting Down from High to be dwelling around the same point, which I found quite supportive in order to see the ‘value’ aspect that I had given to this particular way of ‘seeing reality’ and cutting the crap of it for the sake of Stopping giving values and seeking specialness outside of ourselves as ‘how we view the world’

 

What had been right in front of me as this spot of distraction and preoccupation had been this unseen and fearful judgement of myself as worthlessness, having visions of validation as something special, this sparkling treasure of the wasteland. – Adam Closs

 

I really laughed while reading this because that’s what I became when seeking anything to ‘beautify’ through my ‘glorious eye’ by taking pictures of something, and I would go through phases of regret when not having a camera with me while seeing something that ‘would make a great picture.’ Then this goes with the thoughts of being able to share the pictures on my photoblog and having people writing poems over it, lol! That’s how it worked some 5 years ago. I have diminished my obsession with ‘capturing moments’ by taking thousands of photos,  however the experience that I created around looking at the world and everything around me with some sense of ‘awe’ became quite ingrained in my reality. This would be a constant experience within me wherein I would solace to see the world as something that could ‘drain me’ and ‘overwhelm me’ – essentially seeking sublimation even by seeing a ‘beautiful sunset’ every day. I remember – and I have shared this experience before-  how I would be amazed at a particular time of the day where the sun shone upon some weeds at the farm, something similar to this:

 

 

and I was walking with Sunette before horses in that moment and I let her know how I would experience myself while seeing the whole landscape, how I would experience that ‘glow’ on the plants as something overwhelming somehow. She explained to me how I could simply ‘be here’ as the flowers, as the glow, as the entire moment without creating an experience about it. And that was a very cool lesson for me in that moment to see I had created a point of separation by adding judgments to ‘beautify’ and place more ‘value’ on plants according to the time of the day and how the sun would shine upon them.

 

I actually had two moments during the same day – two days ago – of wanting to have a camera with me as I went past a dead rat and a dead black cat on the sides of the road I usually walk around. In that moment there was a desire to ‘take a picture of it’ – it became so ingrained within me to want to ‘take a picture of it’ that I had to literally force myself to continue walking and stop staring at the dead animals while thinking ‘I can go get my camera, but there’s not gonna be enough light then’  and I simply decided to let it go, I had to say to myself: ‘alright, I let it go’ and in my mind there’s like this ‘nooo!’ because of ‘missing out a great shot’ – yet it was cool to actually let the moment go by.

 

It was also interesting to see how when I was on my way back, the rat had been squashed open, which made me ponder ‘if I had taken that picture, I would have gotten the perfect shot without all the viscera and blood pouring out, and one with the ‘aftershock.’ I kept walking and gave a second and final glance to the cat lying on the side of the road. I mean, who created such an obsession to take photos in such a compulsive manner? I did! So, I am physically letting go of that desire to ‘capture it all’ – otherwise I would have thousands of pictures as that desire to engulf reality into a series of two-dimensional picture representations that have never equated the actual sight and reality of it. One picture won’t ever hold the actual essence of the moment, which is always here, as ourselves, and doesn’t require to be held for posterity charged with some nostalgia in it.

It’s quite interesting, I just wrote a blog about validation and this ‘value’ that we seek for in any other way than life itself. This mechanism of wanting to ‘capture the moment’ is certainly a way to ‘cherish the moment’ which is how I would define taking pictures to be. Making something ‘more’ than what it is by my ‘godly act’ of taking a picture of it and pondering it for others to see.
Now, this doesn’t mean that that has to stop obviously, but it’s definitely cool to debunk this entire perception of reality and simplify it to share it for what it is and stop all experiences around it.

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in arrogance and spite by committing myself to and as my own judgement according to my own world of energy and self-interest.”  Adam Closs

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever accept and allow myself to define me as a visual vicious

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to preserve, capture and ‘cherish’ a moment by taking photographs in order to satisfy the experiences that I have created and separated myself from while diminishing a moment of life, here as breath, to a single energetic experience of ‘fulfillment’ within the frame of ‘who I am’ as having a particular curiosity toward that which I see in my reality, not realizing that the moment that I stop breathing and go into a desire to capture it, I am separating myself from that which I see and use it to get an energetic fix that satisfies my senses within the definition of who I am and have become as – I see resistance to say it – a romantic, as that experience of excitement when encountering something that is ‘out of the ordinary,’ creating a energetic experience that I tend to cling on to, in order to ‘make the experience last.’

 

I realize that I have separated myself from that which I see and that I can only create a point of specialness toward that which I see according to me valuing life in separate ways wherein what I see can be ‘more’ or ‘less than’ according to how I have ‘rated’ my reality according to aesthetic values in separation of Life as who I am

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever get pissed off at art theory classes when talking about beauty and the sublime and believing that they were ‘raping reality’ by placing it into categories according to the human experience imprinted onto reality, as that which is here, without realizing that I was still living this point as myself when wanting to capture certain points of my reality from the starting point of glorifying it and having others glorifying it and perpetuate the eternal mindfucks we have created and imposed on to life as our own mind-frames onto that which is unconditional life-expression here.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imprint my own desires to generate an experience in accordance to that which I deem ‘beautiful’ or ‘overwhelming’ as the experience that I have allowed myself to trigger from seeing and observing the reality that is here, that I have separated myself from in the name of becoming only the ‘eye’ that observes, that defines, that categorizes and that is able to generate an experience out of it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to experience aloofness and wanderlust whenever  I would go walking through a certain place and environment while holding my camera, which would validate my experience of being excited and with a sense of mystery in relation to what I would find to take photographs of, encapsulating the entire event as part of my own ‘mystical experiences’ that I generated within my mind throughout my life.

 

I realize that I am in fact separating myself from that which I see the moment that I create an energetic experience that I allowed myself to become addicted to whenever I am interacting with everything and everyone in my reality, in any given moment, and seek for ‘the perfect framing’ of it as a photograph in my mind, without realizing that this can only exist as a quirk that satisfies the personality that I created for myself as the ‘romantic observer of life.’

 

I realize how I am making more of something that I have literally separated myself from, that I am mental-i-zing it by ‘making it beautiful’ without actually considering the relationships that everything and everyone – including nature, the animal kingdom, the environment – are currently existing as in order to exist in a particular way, which is certainly not nice, not pretty and is rather abusive in all possible ways to create an experience out of anything that we See.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having become infatuated with creating experiences out of seeing a sunset, seeing a dead animal, seeing the seemingly ‘ugly’ and trying to make it ‘special’ which can only be an overall and full-circle mindfuck, as I am the one that is judging and creating/ making of them something ‘more’ than who I am here – as breath.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having desired to create a point of specialness within me as having this ‘particular way of looking at life’ and creating a ‘sensitivity’ toward it as a mind experience wherein I would feel excited and whimsical when being in an environment wherein I wanted to engulf reality into a two-dimensional picture in order to satisfy my desire to ‘own’ the picture that I see through my eyes, not realizing that this is in fact me wanting to ‘ponder’ it above everything else in this reality that I have separated myself from.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to reinforce this particular ‘view’ upon life which is creating an experience of excitement and bewilderment and acting in a whimsical way as to identify myself as ‘someone special that sees life with a different view’ which is what became props for my ‘artistic ego’ and that I used to reinforce the personality and idea of myself as being somewhat ‘gifted’ to be able to take photographs and show to others that which would be seemingly trivial for the majority of people.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and construct myself as the idea of someone that is ‘different’ and ‘special’ for being able to find ‘pleasure’ in the seemingly trivial instances in our reality, without realizing that such pleasure and bewilderment was created within my mind to reinforce the idea of me being ‘eccentric’ and ‘out of this world’ and ‘special’ by being able to see that which others seemed to overlook all the time.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop my personality as the ‘moment capturer’ to such an extent that it is able to drive myself to do anything possible to fulfill my obsession to capture a moment, wherein I completely miss the awareness of myself as my physical body, and become an energetic experience that seeks to be satisfied up until the moment of having it in my memory card, ready to be shared with ‘others’ to get the necessary confirmation that validates what I see as something ‘beautiful’ or ‘special’ or ‘great.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse what I see in the name of my own ego, which is how we have abused and depleted each other in this reality by getting an energetic experience from others in the name of our own pleasure and excitement and satisfaction, without realizing the actual nature of that which we see as ‘beautiful’ which is only a label that we have created in order to have something ‘ugly’ in this world. It is unacceptable to continue being life-taggers, in separation of everything and everyone that we interact with.

 

I realize that for me to continue stopping my participation in creating an experience out of seeing dead animals to take photographs of, I must stop my participation in the idea of me being able to find beauty where others see ‘morbidity’ and that whenever I see myself reacting/ creating an experience when encountering a dead animal or anything else that ‘captures my attention,’ I stop and I breathe – I bring myself back to the physical and do not allow myself to create an experience, a judgment and opinion upon that which I see. Instead I embrace it as myself, I amalgamate as my physical body to not distract me from keeping breathing, walking, doing and in that, stop the rush and seemingly uncontrollable desire to ‘capture the moment.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever experience resistance to let go of this idea of being ‘the artist’ that sees life in a ‘different and special way’ which is only part of the personality that I used to seclude myself from the Actual events and Actual reality that is existing here as suffering and continuous abuse, while indulging myself in these ‘fluffy’ experience that I dared to create out of that which would be usually deemed as ‘morbid’ or ‘macabre’ and in that,

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the experiences that I create within my mind out of that which trigger a point of preference and identification as the personality that I have built, existing with ‘particular preference’ that never considered that all that is here as life is me – one and equal – and that I can only ponder something and create an experience out something or someone if I exist in separation of myself, as-it as well.

I realize that the only moment that I exist is here as breath, and that taking photographs is a possibility for myself as long as I do not create an experience that enhances my self-definition as the perceived ‘specialness’ and ‘weird’ preferences that I created and enhanced throughout time in order to be ‘eccentric’ and ‘out of the ordinary’ by taking that which would be seemingly morbid and wanting to make it something beautiful

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having created a fascination with death to the extent of using the moment of breath as life here in order to create an energetic experience out of seeing a dead animal, that which is in decay, that which is rotten, that which is deconstructing. All aspects are points that I have used to define ‘who I am’ and ‘what I alike’ which is controlling the way that I see, judge, define and value the reality in separation of myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to defend my voyeuristic experience of the unconditional expression of life and the dead by saying that ‘I see beauty where others don’t’ lol which is quite a statement of the glorification of ‘the eye of the mind’ as being ‘beyond’ how others see reality, without realizing that I am the only one that is separating myself from that which I see through filtering reality with this romantic view on life and the physical reality that I am equal and one to.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a fascination out of that which I see, including that which would usually be terrifying like the shape and form of an atomic bomb, the gigantic waves of a tsunami, the smoke from explosions, fire burning down the woods, water flooding an entire city, tornadoes devastating areas, demolished buildings, old houses, death people on the highways, dead animals on the pavement and anything that resonates with death and destruction alike in a visual way.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually experience resistance when realizing that I must let go of this fascination for decay which is an aspect that many people experience, yet  we don’t dare to express that it actually ‘turns us on’ in a certain excitement and ‘sublimation’ when looking at it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever create a ‘pleasant experience’ out looking at something that is usually considered as repulsive when it comes to death and destruction.

 

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to overlook this experience within me because of deeming it as ‘not relevant’ to who I am, without realizing that it actually comprises my constant ‘state of being’ when I exist as the eye of the mind that seeks for these experience in every corner that I go looking at while walking and interacting in my reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to degrade a physical experience of myself here as life, into a mental experience within a mix of emotions and feelings wherein I am in fact separating myself from that which I see and make it ‘more’ than myself in that moment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seduce myself to take a picture of something from the starting point of an experience, instead of actually realizing that I can take pictures without having an entire personality and energetic experiences loaded while doing so.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value something as ‘special’ when it is usually not considered as such within the general terms and preference of a ‘majority,’ which implies that within these ‘particular’ and ‘bizarre’ and ‘weird’ preferences, I created a deliberate antagonism to that which is usually/ generally deemed as grotesque/ macabre and disturbing, which is part of the entire personality I created as a way to go ‘against the flow’ in means of separating myself from ‘the rest’ and ‘elevating’ myself to a point of specialness according to ‘how I see reality,’ without realizing that it is the exact same mindfuck as anyone else that seeks beauty, love and happiness. I would get a kick out of tragedy, death and destruction.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to enhance my energetic experience by using images of this reality as a point of ‘artistic stimulation’ which is usually called ‘inspiration’ which is just a preprogrammed piece that I separated myself from to be constantly creating a sense of ‘bewilderment’ about life and death, and every other phenomena in order to make it ‘more’ than myself, which can only exist as a mind experience within me.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to get ‘high’ on that which I see in my every day living when deeming it as beautiful and special and ‘great’ in the visual sense of my experience toward this reality.

 

I commit myself to stop all mental separation and experiences created from the mindfucks that I have accepted and allowed myself to create in the name of my own experience, singling myself out as in being able to create a pleasant visual experience out of that which would usually not be considered ‘pleasant to the view’ at all.

 

I realize that all of this is just part of what I have created within myself in order to keep me distracted and entertained in my mind, no different to anyone that solaces on love and light or gets intoxicated to experience ‘the world’ in a different way. I realize that I have done this every time that I accepted and allowed myself to shift the reality of the physical moment into a mental-experience of feelings and emotions within myself.

When and as I see myself being fascinated by the sight of a dead animal on the road, I stop and I breathe – I realize that it is only me and my desire to reinforce the idea of myself as ‘liking such sights of life/death’ as a preference that is activating the entire personality as the ‘lugubrious romantic,’ that I am in fact able to stop to not recreate an experience out of it and get a certain satisfaction from, without realizing that it is the ultimate egotistical creating of myself as ‘an observer’ and seeing myself as detached from that which I become fascinated by, which a form of vampirism that I have created while masking it in the name of art and beauty and ‘creativity.’

 

I realize that any experience or judgment that may come up at the moment for me having to realize what I have found pleasure on, is absolutely unnecessary – I forgive myself and I am able to let go of it, as I commit myself to simply stop all delusions in my mind projected onto that which I see as my physical reality.

 

I commit myself to stop all infatuation and fascination to that which I tend to become obsessed and completely ‘taken over’ in a single moment that I define that which I see in my every day living as something that I could ‘take a picture of,’ and completely forget about realizing that such desire to keep ‘memories’ is quite the function of the mind to continue reinforcing the definition of myself within a limited personality as ‘the artist’ with a particular ‘tastes in life.’

Wtf are ‘tastes in life’? Only layers of mental-delusions imposed onto life. Unacceptable.

 

I commit myself to realize that the only point I can allow myself to define as a creative experience, is not to become a voyeur of life, but become that which considers the actual relationships and reality of everything that I see ‘outside of myself’ and instead, look at how I have separated myself from that which I see and how I can become that which is able to manifest a world wherein expressions no longer drive our ‘human curiosity’ as a desire to make something ‘more’ than the rest by my own mind, but instead consider the actual expression that I am able to equalize myself-to when stopping the mind and simply allowing myself to be here as breath as I go seeing reality, regardless of how I have ‘tagged’ and categorized that which I see.

I continue the commitment that I’ve been walking in stopping the ‘visual vicious’ that I have accepted and allowed myself to become, and actually consider that creating an experience out of seeing dead animals is a preprogrammed fascination with ‘death’ that I accepted and allowed to drive my creative-expression with to reinforce an idea of myself as liking that which is ‘macabre,’ which is only abusing the same unconditional expression through categories as preferences I created within my own mind.

 

I commit myself to actually honor all life equally which begins by me stopping creating experiences from that which I see in separation of myself, and instead walk a process of integration – not separation – from that which I see to start considering how I exist as such expressions and how I am able to consider their actual experience as part of this reality, which is far more constructive in a best for all way, rather than solacing in experiences when looking at something.

 

To read further on other points I have walked as this particular personality suit check out the following blogs:

• Hey Nostradamus! – Personality suit exposed

• 2012 Death and Destruction

• colors

 

Vlog:

2008 Visual Vicious

 

And Adam’s blog: Getting Down from High

Dare to See  (2011)

 

Further support on Self Forgiveness:

Bernard Poolman: Day 3: Resistance to Change

2012 The Living ‘I’ Organism = 1+1

The need to redefine and reform society stems from our current experience within this world-system being sunk in a seemingly unstoppable downward spiral, wherein the unification of man attempted throughout time, has always been tainted by the nature of our own mindfulness which stood on the way to create an actual best for all outcome within the consideration of the whole as one and equal.

 

Society is created by each individual – we are the system – and by creating an actual sense of neighborism and compassion, within the understanding that we function as an organism wherein all parts are equally regarded for its proper functionalism, we can direct ourselves to then establish the necessary understanding through education about the power that each individual holds to create an overall reform within the current system.  This is then to the best interest of all as our current global crisis in all aspects of reality – individual and social – are revealing the institutions that govern the world are simply outdated. And no, the reform and re-direction required won’t come from your current political parties, social enterprises. This solution entails much more than being able to vote for blue or red or green or red – this system must be transformed at an individual level.

 

We live in violent times wherein the wounds from the past don’t seem to heal, but only get worse as we start realizing and discovering about the lies that we have lived as the current seemingly ‘stability’ that has been pending from one single thread, backed up by and within the delusional monetary system that is ruling over everyone, regardless. We require to heal ourselves first to heal the world, and there is no shaman required to do this: each one of us can do this for ourselves.

 

After we’ve lived  allowed ourselves to fuel our ‘lives’ with lies and abuse, thinking without ever considering the consequences, acting out of reaction, exerting our righteousness with no regard of the words we speak, it is shocking to say the least how we actually always knew what we were doing, but we simply didn’t stop ourselves from taking a moment to breathe and re-consider what words we are about to utter and our starting point for it.

 

We are all aware of these fleeting moments wherein we attempt to ‘have a good time’ yet in the back of our head there’s only dissatisfaction with self and the world, and no matter how much we attempt to show the world a smiley face, it’s just not congruent to the experience within.

 

So far, the only way that I have been able to heal myself – slowly but surely – is through Self Forgiveness. The moment we realize that we have a second chance and actually understand what this entails, you take a stand, I vowed myself to live because I saw there was nothing further down the bottom line. The point that is always feared is risking it all for something that you cannot be certain of, because life is not knowledge, life cannot be proven or shown ‘on paper’ –  not even with  words: they must be Lived.

 

My interpretation of the eye of the needle is having to let go of everything we have ever been till this day and be willing to walk myself as the ‘I’ that will finally remove de dot on top of the i  and place it ! to see everything from a different perspective. Willing to apparently ‘give up’ this idea  of ourselves, which is giving  death to the old for the new to emerge. This didn’t seem like a ‘nice idea’ in the beginning where fears to ‘lose myself’ were still prominent. Yet once I understood how we can only fear losing that which has not been real anyways, it’s been a point that makes me glad, because I realized that I no longer have to be bound to all of these ideas and judgments and tight-restrictions to ‘who I am’ because as an individual and as this entire world-system.  How can we be so afraid to let go of that which is mostly holding us down? We’ve definitely developed a masochistic relationship with our minds wherein the idea of suffering, pain, misery become ‘enjoyable’ experiences in some twisted way – still experiences, mind generated that requires to be constantly reinforced just as we require money to keep living.

 

These energetic systems are able to be reformed if we all consider the potential each one of us holds as an active participant within this world. After all, isn’t this the solution that we all sought for? Being able to be supported to live, develop self-trust and compassion for another wherein true-relationships of self-understanding can emerge – imagine no more counterfeit, blackmailing and having to cheat in order to make a living. The ties that keep the system in place are currently existent within each one of us. There is a way out, a revolutionary way that is often feared, simply because of how unorthodox is may seem. Yet our ‘rights’ have been ‘wronged’ all the way – so, what is there to actually fear?

Nothing.

 

 

If we fear losing the idea of ourselves, what do we know? Have a look at what kept us ‘away’ from such ideas – we dubbed them as ‘dreams’ and ‘utopia’ because that’s exactly what we were Taught to Think-like in this current world system. That’s why all our information industry is based on diverting our attention from actually considering that: we are all suffering, we are all living in survival mode – so why on Earth do we continue like this? Who has been in ‘control’ of it all always?

 

The truth is that the potential won’t be ‘unleashed’ unless we direct ourselves to do so. Just ponder how it is that we have really limited and diminished ourselves to not recognize that we can in fact expand and develop ourselves beyond the limitations of our own mind. The fact that we accepted and allowed such points of distraction to obfuscate our basic ability to analyze our situation, to not ponder ‘why we are stuck in this black-hole’ is already an indication of the obvious acceptance to our own self-imposed limitations – not to mention that over 90% of the world is in some form of drug-  if not everyone because even thinking becomes an energetic fix to divert our attention from our physical beingness here-as-breath.

 

To get to this point, we all had to first try out the seemingly ever tempting ‘fruits of the tree’ and then letting go of it – it is within realizing that we have developed such an obsessive-manner of living that we become fixated on ‘one single point’ and forget about the rest of reality that is HERE, probably pondering where and how on Earth we have gotten to reduce ourselves to a single experience? That should be physical abuse as well, yet we haven’t dared to call it for what it is because we are always preferring to externalize our self-responsibility to ‘others’ in our world.

 

“Between birth and death, human beings have collective work to do on Earth”
Joseph Beuys

 

We are able to stop lying to ourselves by our own volition to do so. We walk the individual process beginning with ‘cutting of all ties’ within a process of Self-Support to ensure that we do not only just stop participation in our lives, but we actually walk a process of assessing which aspects are required to be re-defined, corrected and aligned to the principle that we establish as the law of our being: Equality as Life.

 

Through applying Self-Forgiveness  we give ourselves a second chance to live. We realize that we don’t have to go carrying our past, our guilt, deeds, quirks secrets and this entire world system of abuse, violence and corruption as an ever-present hunting shadow that becomes the default experience within ourselves. We can de-fault ourselves by forgiving ourselves and start over again. What a better ‘gift’ you can give you to yourself than for-giving our negligence toward ourselves and all living participants within the world– What is it that I give to myself?

 

• The opportunity to live and be self-directive beings for the first time in our existence.

• The ability to develop our expression and creativity to the utmost potential

• The  decision  to stand equal to everything and everyone in this reality that I had absolutely neglected as an equal in the past

• The opportunity to ‘clean my wounds’ that are here as the accumulation of everyone that has gone before me

• The recognition and realization that everything that I ever sought for has always been Here as myself

• The capability to participate in the creation of a world system wherein each individual is equally participant and aware of the benefits that working as an actual collective brings.

• The ability to stop living in survival mode and spend our time developing our expression wherein we will no longer be bound to the constrictions that we are currently calling ‘a living.’
  .

And a long list ensues when looking at the social-implications of it as a collective.

 

You might now realize who this is in fact the most revolutionary message we have gotten in our society, taken to a global level thanks to the e-social networks that we have now  to establish communication with people around the world, which means that the national-identification is, slowly but surely, breaking off in order to establish the basic foundation of what living by-principle actually implies.

 

Of course all of this requires our commitment to do this for ourselves, as ourselves as the whole. We must get out of our own limitations and fears that only tamper our ability to see the actual potential that each one of us holds in every single breath that we are here, committing egocide in the name of Life.

 

And for that, I give myself the only ‘reason’ to live which is self-here- equal and one, I allow myself to see beyond the current limitations of the mind to realize and take into consider-action that I hold the power of change in every breath that I am here. I realize that the definition of society begins with my self equality and oneness to then, understand society as the extension of self as individuals that stand in an equal-participation and understanding of how we function as an organism wherein no parts can be ‘greater than’ as that would mean cancer in the organism/ body, nor can anyone be ‘less than’ as that would also cause disease.

 

Only in self-equality can we get to realize what thriving actually is as a whole in this world. First step is Self-  then, we take over the world – and for that we require to stand up one by one – if you hear and see the importance of the following, join Desteni

 

“Ponder the I

in consciousness called the I AM

this is the I of the needle

as Earth is the EYE of the universe

the creator is the I of the Beholder

eye of the beholder

that is how I create in consciousness — and all I create as consciousness always return to dust

this I — yet to be born by “self” is quite something –as in a way the being stands as pure I — no programming as starting point –yet is all that is consciousness — obviously — what is not consciousness — is to the perceiver/interpreter/mind/I am/being — nothing — as the being is only what the EYE/mindseye see

the closest to what is real — is what the eye see– judgment comes from the secret I — the secret mind — that is who the being really is–and is what is to be given up –forever –with absolute certainty — no doubt ever — to be able to see with the I that is LIFE– because then LIFE see direct as I – I direct — no proof possible — because the Mindseye that wants proof — is temporary — and thus has no value what so ever”

Bernard Poolman 

 

 

“[Joseph] Beuys argued that the key to survival was in the collective transformation of the “social organism.” For him, communication between the domains of the spiritual and the earthly were primary to cultural regeneration.”

Desteni is the bridge between both realms.

Visit Destonians for more support on How to Stand up for Life