Tag Archives: familiar

Reality Check: Sharing Desteni

 

I was listening to the video  2012: The Family Tree System vs. Tree of Life and I noticed how my current experience toward Family has changed throughout this process.

Last December that I spent time with them, I saw how I was no longer playing the ‘antagonist’ or ‘the black sheep’ as I used to throughout my time with them before and at the beginning of this process. It’s been quite a walk to say the least from the times when I literally fed them all up with me only talking about ‘Desteni’ as all knowledge and information that I simply got very excited about, but wasn’t applying/ living it at all. The same can be applied to all ‘friends’ that I simply ‘left’ because they weren’t apparently able to ‘catch up’ with ‘where I was’ which was only watching and reading the material without having any substantial process to share as my own application. 

A cool indication about this is when I was sharing about Desteni back in 2008 with an ex-partner and even though he had some background on stuff like Lovecraft and other dimensions, the entire ‘portal’ thing simply seemed as bizarre as it could get. Imagine, this is now the ‘apparently’ open people and within that I simply became quite fixated on the idea of having to explain Desteni from the perspective of ‘the portal’ and all of that aspect which is not what’s really relevant, but the message itself. I would stumble upon my own words and eventually ‘gave up’ in trying to explain it. I later on probably got to know that friends/ people that knew me were a bit ‘concerned’ about me because I had simply detached and talking only about Desteni, wanting to simply speak out the knowledge without any practical reference to it. These type of situations became prominent with my family as well, until I realized through the support given while walking this process that was about us applying the process and not trying to change the world with knowledge and information.

From that moment I began slowing down and looking at the point of living-the-words instead of speaking the words and trying to make people understand from the starting point of this ‘being the truth’ or any other vantage point like that.

 

I learned ‘the hard way’ how sharing Desteni is not to share only knowledge and information to friends/ family as I lead myself to then walk an entire phase wherein I created this extreme uncomfortable experience for myself, feeling once again like ‘I didn’t belong here’ and using this as an excuse to single myself-out within the entire structure, as if I had already ‘overcome’ it somehow.  I didn’t want to see that I was only creating myself as something/ someone ‘superior’ because of all of this ‘knowledge’ that I had, yet wasn’t living fully as myself which was quite obvious because the moment that we begin grasping what living as Equals implies, we see and understand how any form of stance/ consideration that we place onto others – family, friends or anyone else in this world – is only ‘speaking’ / reflecting what is existent within us.

I can see that how most of the points that I have been able to ‘discover’ as ingrained treats and quirks have been mostly what I could point out in my parents for example, which came as a bucket of cold water in that moment because of how we as ‘the children’ (I’ve asked if there is a word in English that can explain sons/ daughters in one word to indicate the name for the people that have the same father and mother, if anyone knows leave a comment, children sounds too childish) tend to create this general conflict and opposition toward our parents. It’s clear to me how we have to walk through these family relationships first as it is in essence walking the core-relationships in our world that have shaped us in a literal way through the DNA, but also as the most immediate environment wherein our entire conception and general understanding of the world is created.

 

In the beginning of this process, I neglected this point and went into an entire seclusion and shifted my entire participation with them.  I did have a ‘hard time’ walking through this for the most part, simply because I would exist in a constant observer-mode wherein I thought that because of being profiling them and ‘understanding how their mind worked’ gave me some sort of ability to now judge them or point out shit in them without ever first taking the point back to myself.

I can also say that I have now asserted myself in my family in terms of everyone being aware of what I stand for, how and why I stand for life in Equality. It’s been a process of me stopping all reactions to the various words, judgments and general reactions that any other person could express and made sure that I simply establish myself as that point that supports myself before continuing trying to ‘change my family’ or anyone else. I mean, it was quite a drag when trying/ attempting to change them and preach all that I would learn from the Desteni videos back then and almost exhort them to ‘do as I said or they will be fucked for life’ – That was not the way and all that I got out of that was simply being almost ‘feared,’ wherein they would mostly not speak when I was around because of me immediately jumping into the conversation with judgments and pointing fingers at them or about the topic that was discussed, judging what they were watching on the TV (still walking that point that still comes at times.)  I’ve learned how to slow down and listen – and this is part of an ongoing process as I tend to round the points and create conclusions in a rather rushed manner, wanting to immediately reply to avoid what I’ve judged as the chit-chat, which is part of me having been a rather ‘anxious’ person that wants everything to be solved and directed immediately, without living/ applying that as myself in everything I do yet. So, it’s cool how every single bit is able to show/ reveal us where we have to equalize ourselves and our starting point of everything we do and share.

 

It is also true that not living with my family for the past 5  and a half years seem like an appropriate thing to do in terms of being able to face myself alone. But visiting and talking to them from time to time is also cool as my own reality-check. I actually got to enjoy the time that I spent with them at home last December. I allowed myself to stop judging them, allow myself to sit on the table and talk, share, just spend time with them which is something that I hadn’t done before because I had regarded it as a waste of time, simply because my starting point was already that of opposing them/ disliking them which then became my entire experience around them. Took a while to get to this point of now being able to sit and talk and share openly without fearing to be judged or being in a defensive mode with my superiority stance of ‘I know better/ I know how it all really works’ which becomes quite a drag in general.

 

What’s interesting is that for the most part they have communicated how they would not be able to ‘see themselves’ doing what I’m doing – they still consider that walking this process is something really hard and they still consider that walking this process is something ‘really hard’ and they have expressed how it is mostly something that they would not do. Yet they are supportive with their due ‘reserves’ in terms of me having a life that doesn’t follow the usual family patterns. They have gotten used to that for now or getting used to the idea of it and what it implies.

 

What I see is that I am not currently having any constant ‘relationships’ other than bits of interaction with the people that I live with and coworkers in school which has been a cool point to test myself in terms of stopping profiling people and actually being open and willing to learn from them all. I mean, they’re all males in their late 20’s, 30’s and 40’s lol so I’ve been able to learn more about those different phases in their lives and see what they’re all about. That phase is about to be over as well and I’m also grateful that I was able to have that experience because I know they are people that I wouldn’t have deliberately placed myself to be around with everyday for 6 months. I guess this is what we can call ‘walking the matrix’ wherein we stand as what/ who we are no matter where we are, being in the system but not OF the system and in the meantime, share, communicate enough to be able to expand a bit on people’s perspective about reality/ this world. I definitely enjoyed any moment that I was able to support another to see some aspect in common sense not previously seen or understood. 

I also had long discussions with them on how self responsibility is created by the single fact of living in this world and using money.  That became quite a big point point of discussion wherein they simply refused to open up about it, I saw that I couldn’t go further into it. So within these situations it’s not like a YouTube platform wherein you can just stop replying or decide to not approve their comments because of not getting it, it’s not like you can just walk out of the job because of not agreeing with the people there, that would be a rather foolish thing to do. So we learn how to walk in the system that way.

 

Back to my family/ parents I discovered that I enjoy talking to them when it comes to sharing our human-experiences. Through this process and after quite a while, I can say that I’ve gotten to a point wherein I can talk to them about what we do at Desteni, what I’ve understood, what I’ve realized and they also ask me for perspectives on stuff they are facing or cases from their friends/ other family members experiences. My mother shared the other day that what I had shared with her in relation to being able to stop her preoccupation thoughts,  linked to fears and general absurd/ out of place ‘worrying’ thoughts was quite supportive. It’s been cool opening up and speaking about reality and topics that they are also able to see/ understand no matter how ‘harsh’ it may seem. I mean, as far as ‘god’ it’s been mostly like only a ghost they still like to still cling on to out of habit only, because they realize that there is no way that it can possibly exist in this world because in common sense they can now see that the extent of abuse and suffering cannot possibly be part a ‘divine plan’ for Earth. I’ve been quite ‘outspoken’ after I stopped silencing myself around them and only holding eternal judgments and resentment for past situations toward them.

I am also aware that probably after a while of me speaking and sharing about some points, they might have heard something here and there and applied it for themselves.  I have stopped pushing them to apply Self Forgiveness or kill their god completely. I’ve learned how to measure myself in terms of sharing wherein I would go quite up in flames trying to prove my point and prove myself right without having actually walked the point myself, at least to be able to talk about it in a more relaxed manner and not out of anger, irritation and judgment. I am still ‘getting here’ in terms of not reacting immediately as a form of saying ‘I told you so!’ in terms of what they share and the experiences that could have been prevented if listening before. I also accept that each one is walking/ facing their process and me wanting to prevent their fuckups will still be coming from the ‘savior syndrome.’

I’m just glad I’m able to speak and share about how things are and push the envelope every time wherein we can discuss about the life-long patterns they’ve lived wherein I am obviously also facing myself as well. I’ve shared here in terms of seeing patterns with my father and myself for example and being able to discuss the points directly with him which is cool. I cannot possibly deny I am both of them and when talking with them about their quirks, patterns, thoughts and experiences, it is undeniable to not see myself in that. So, it’s been supportive for me to communicate and get to know a bit more about them speaking not from the ‘daughter’ perspective, but as another human being.

 

I mostly like breaking that initial ‘mirage’ that family roles-characters create wherein the ‘children’ are not supposed to talk about certain things or question their parents or ‘support them’ in anything in terms of facing themselves. One would usually think that because children are younger, they are not supposed to be ‘wise enough’ to support another – this is now the language used by them to define that ‘support’ as ‘being wise’ but it’s really just common sense that anyone can educate themselves to live and apply.

 

As much as this process has also been ‘painful’ for them in terms of me having been quite a ‘rebel’ through my teens in terms of ‘not fitting in the family scheme,’ and then having this 180 degree shift within this process wherein they certainly thought that it was just ‘another phase’ in my life, it is now  ‘acceptable’ for them to support me because they are aware of what I stand for, how I live it and share it. They are aware and supporting me in my future plans even if it is ‘not so cool’ for them in terms of not seeing me that much, but they are aware that my plans in life will not follow the patterns walked so far  in terms of my sisters having a settled life with kids and forming their own families. It’s cool that I have been able to witness  how people get married and settle down, have kids and dedicate themselves to that. I cannot possibly see myself in that, I’ve got the whole world here as the opportunity to walk and support myself first and become a point of support for others. I told my parents last time that I saw them how this is what I will be doing for life and this is all I can see myself doing for life which in essence means: I’m dedicating myself to live, to realize what Life actually is and support others in such process as well. I’ve seen how they’ve walked the process of questioning me and my starting point to simply having to agree as they see/ realize and can witness that what I say, I actually do and walk as myself full-on.

 

For now I am aware that I’m still here and willing to walk the process of equalizing myself as family members – this is definitely not done, but for the most part I can definitely say that after all these years there are considerable changes in our interactions wherein I have stopped antagonizing or holding a grudge toward my mother, that’s part of the points that have been walked with here also supporting herself within writing ‘in her own way’ as she never participated in Desteni, but what she learns and applies has supported her to let go of some points which has benefited our relationship/ interaction as well. It’s also cool because she ‘knows’ me very well from that mother-daughter perspective, hence all the ‘changes’ that she would have never expected are also a cool confirmation in terms of stepping out of the predictability – as well as her being able to point out any minor shift like irritation/ frustration/ me raising my voice as a result of this and being able to point it out right away. That’s also part of the points that not many people are able to do because we haven’t spent that much time with other beings in our reality other than our family – well, that’s been my case at least.

Now, this is not saying ‘all is fine’ but simply sharing how I see/ realize that we’re able to communicate with our family in equality, seeing how anything   that I could be backchatting about them can be taken back to myself directly. Now I almost ‘freeze’ myself whenever I  go into immediate projection about ‘something’ that I could point out to them without having first pointed it out in myself.

A clear example is how I can share with my father points of irrational anger and how I would sometimes want to go and exert that anger to someone or even being physically aggressive – he’s had the same throughout his life, so we’ve walked point by point how to breathe through it and stop the anger possession and the imagination of actually going and hitting the person because of any possible reason. We have also shared these extreme ways of having everything done ‘our way’ and if something doesn’t work out as we expected, we burst out in anger and get all desperate and wanting to just blame others/ the entire world for the consequences that we have created. These are points that have been part of his entire lifetime and that I can see I’m able to develop as ‘the information is there’ – yet as I am walking, I share with him how I can stop from going into the entire hissy-fit by breathing and applying self forgiveness.  It’s interesting that I can say  that I ‘know’ what he goes through because: I am his copy – hence I share what I’ve done to walk through these points in common sense and that’s it. It’s up to him to apply it or not, I won’t try to save him or ‘change him’ because I’ve understood how each one has to make the decision for themselves.

Same point with my mother mostly in relation to a constant state or ‘preoccupation’ and ‘worry’ which also comes from my grandmother and mostly linked to that ‘idleness’ when not having something physically here to do, and it’s also linked to irrational fears that are automated – same points: sharing how to take the trigger point of the entire reaction as the thoughts, walking through each through, applying self forgiveness in the moment and then stopping participation. That’s the point wherein she shared how that was supportive and how she was applying it whenever the thoughts would come up again. That’s cool.

In terms of my sisters now raising children, I can’t say much because I’m not interacting with them. For the most part it seems hard for parents to grasp the fact that kids must be regarded as equals and not making them ‘special’ as that creates further separation in this world. I don’t have an actual ‘say’ on that because both my niece and nephew are still babies, although I can say I am fond of the girl because I have been able to play with her a bit and I enjoy making her laugh and play along. My sisters often joke on how they will ‘send their kids to me’ so that they can learn about life, which I guess is a cool compliment at the moment, for the fact that a human being is able to recognize that the principle we’re living in is in fact beneficial for all and would be willing to allow you to share with them what can be regarded as an actual life-education.

So, these past times that I spent with them I was able to enjoy the hours that I got to talk to them on a one-on-one basis. I am aware that I mostly don’t like going to events wherein there are no actual spaces/ moments to REALLY communicate with people, which is what I enjoy. I’ve learned to open up and not only be willing to listen to ‘some’ – of course not everyone is open for this, so I’ve mostly shared and spoken with those that are willing to share equally, that includes my cousins for the most part, which I also enjoyed.

 

As a tentative final point to this is realizing how within one standing up and creating that equal stance toward everything/ everyone, family becomes part of that basic interaction wherein we are able to ‘test’ ourselves in the most casual ways. It is not necessary to create such resistance toward them as it is common sense that it will have to inevitably be walked-through within this process. Being able to share and spend time with people without having extensive backchat and generating an entire inner experience out of our own thoughts projected toward them, is quite a cool point worth placing oneself to walk through. I see that the key point is integrating this process as ‘who we are’ and not only taking ‘Desteni’ as some external entity that we try to make others see/ understand, but we rather allow the beings to get to know about it through ourselves, through our very ways in which we participate. Just as you and I have learned and copied ways of talking/ walking/ carrying oneself around from others, we are able to become the type of people that others can also see they’re able to live and apply equally as ourselves. Being living examples of what self is able to be and become once that we step out of our preprogrammed cocoon.

Thanks for reading and here’s the vlog that I recorded about this topic as well:

2012 Sharing Desteni with Family/ Friends: a Living Process

And also suggest watching Marek’s video response to that video which is a cool practical walking and expansion on this point.

 

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The Familiar Nuclear Threat

“Sibling-rivalry – the nuclear family preparation for the division of the weak/strong so that the strong can be prepared to fight in the system in the game of survival of the fittest where only the strong survive” – Sunette Spies

“Thus–as a selective design of natural selection, could JEALOUSY be the undertone preprogrammed to make sure siblings will always be at each other’s throat?” Bernard Poolman

Family is the unit of the system, the ‘nucleus of society’ wherein the very basic relationships are formed once any human being arrives into this world. Such relationships determine our nature that will be ‘activated’ through interaction through our pre-laid conditions existent as part of the information acquired from both father and mother that create a clone of their own. Now, besides the entire parenting aspects and considerations that are certainly something necessary and vital to understand, we have the interactions that develop within the family between parents, between siblings and between siblings and parents. The entire hierarchical system and survival of the fittest is played out and accepted as ‘the way to live’ in this reality.

Parents do not consider the fact that the very relationship they may have toward each other will remain as a permanent imprint that will determine their children’s ability to either step out of the pattern or follow it in the exact same way throughout their life in terms of the relationship with themselves and the world. Parents often believe that children have no eyes and ears when they’re very young which is obviously not so and it actually creates fine imprints that remain suppressed yet still existent within each one.

Bullying begins at home

Who hasn’t had a ‘fight’ with a brother or sister, who hasn’t fought with their parents? I’d say if you answer ‘me’ you’re mostly not of this world as it is certainly one of the accepted and allowed ‘normal’ aspects of living with human beings that have the same blood as yourself. There you go. Siblings have the exact same blood with just different spices here and there which will essentially, by biological predisposition, become organisms that will be following the laws of ‘survival of the fittest’ wherein each one will by default try and be the one that ‘makes it’ to have the best life, to be the ‘chosen one’ by parents and society.

I can see within my own experience how favoritism became a point that I ended up accepting as a form of suppression wherein I saw myself as ‘overshadowed’ by my sisters and what I perceived as their social charms which I just couldn’t ‘trigger’ with such ‘natural ability’ myself. I would see them as my parents fulfillment of what successful women would mean and within this, because of seeing myself as ‘unfit’ to do so, I created another niche for myself to exist in/as, one that existed as the opposite of all the norms and paradigms that my parents were mostly expecting of myself. I sabotaged myself within that as it became the point wherein I began secluding myself more and more without realizing that such ‘low self esteem’ or any other belief that I had of myself as not being ‘as good as’ my sisters became the actual factor for me to become the self-created black sheep of the family.

I virtually ended up doing everything that they probably didn’t plan having in their family, I broke the schemes and made my own safe space wherein I didn’t have to compete to be ‘the best’ between my sisters because I was ‘different.’ I created for myself such alternate reality just so that I wouldn’t have to keep up with the pressure of having to become like them, just so that I wouldn’t ‘let them down’ in terms of them having any particular expectations on my life.

Eventually just as anything, my personality was resisted, questioned until it was embraced as a form of resignation actually. When I began walking this process of self honesty at Desteni, I started becoming aware of  the entire veneer that I had created for me to be ‘at ease’ with myself without ever having looked at the self-judgment point that I accepted as real which became the reason why I created a ‘harder’ version of myself.

When I was a little girl I was mostly laughed at or constantly picked upon because of how ‘innocent’ and gullible I was. My sisters would have fun making me shit scared about the dark and all the ‘unknown’ which then became an aspect that truly got a hold of me for quite a lengthy amount of time. At the same time I grew up seeing them through their teenage years and their relationships to which I remember always thinking: ‘I’m not going to be like them, I won’t play out the same drama queen, I won’t bring boyfriends home’ and several other points that I lived out as a counter-act to what I had witnessed within them.

I would have really offensive exchange of words with them when growing up. It’s fascinating how I had almost forgotten about this because of how long it’s been since I last lived with all of them in the same house, but I did create quite a grudge that I managed to suppress all the time. I can’t even remember what our problems were about, all I remember is having great problems with both my sisters at different times.

If I wouldn’t have been walking this process, I would’ve literally self-sabotaged myself in my endeavors to become the exact opposite of everything that my family could expect of myself in all ways. Right now I realize that I must create myself from a starting point of common sense and not out of spitefulness toward the nuclear family which is a threat to realizing our Equality.

Now this is only my experience, several memories suppressed to the point where I neglected that it was actually jealousy as fearing to lose the ‘love and preference of parents’ as the race/ competition that I literally stepped out of and separated myself from, creating an opposite point where I didn’t have to compete and I could be at ease with my own set of ‘preferences’ and ways of being. This was nothing else but a defense mechanism to protect me from having to go all the way in such competition.

I am aware that this plays out in all families, we’ve corroborated as well through our chats and forums wherein we are well aware that we as human beings are no different to each other – we’re all essentially programmed to play out the same conflict points to ensure that we remain trapped in such relationships of deception as the power games and competitions to be ‘the best’, the ‘fittest’ which translates into being the most successful one in terms of how the system works. Parents become then proud of those that ‘make it’ and fulfill their expectations and such point of favoritism and preference becomes evident and undeniable either through words or actions that indicate that there was never actual equality lived within the family system. 

From watching parents and their relationships that are more often than not ‘dysfunctional,’ children learn to have the same relationships toward siblings and if there are none, the actions are taken on to others in their world. It’s fascinating that people are being so scandalized by bullying rising every day more and more in schools, without realizing that kids are only playing out in school that which they’ve learned/ seen at home.

A child that sees their parents fighting, yelling or getting to points of physical and verbal abuse will develop conditions of speech impediment, insecurity, anxiety which are all fear based in terms of not being able to ‘compute’ the fact that such surreptitious violence may exist at home. Imagine this being compared to the ideals portrayed in the media wherein the kid only sees that reality does not match the apparent ‘standard’ which makes them feeling inherently ‘damned’ for not having such a ‘good loving family,’ without being able to see that the reality is that such domestic violence is almost the norm in this world and not the nice family-set ups that are portrayed on TV. Such dissonance only creates an inherent sense of being cursed for having to experience such play outs at home where blackmailing, offensive remarks and general high tonalities are used as a form of expressing discontent to one another. There has never been an actual realization of self responsibility within the family system, we must create a general awareness on how relationships are able to be walked within self responsibility and general awareness that we cannot blame anyone for what we are experiencing within ourselves.

Due to kids becoming then rather detached from reality as a defense mechanism,  leads them to not interact ‘as the rest of the kids,’ becoming easy targets to be picked up and bullied at school or any other environment, because of how they feel incapable of standing up in situations of abuse, because there is no education based on self honesty in the family system. It’s actually the adult patterns playing out in school age within kids – either the bully or the bullied – which is now making everything pretty obvious in terms of how we are all responsible for the existence of such violence.

We must stop existing in continuous cycles of suppression, spitefulness and inherent rivalry between each other at home which is where our entire life is settled upon. We require to sort out these initial relationships within ourselves and toward this family-nucleus to make sure that we stop all forms of deception within it that later on becomes ‘who we are’ within our personal life and as members of society, creating a world equally fucked in terms of accepting hierarchical schemes as ‘real’, respect as form of keeping quiet to each other to keep the comfortable status quo and a general convenience that extends to economical protection mechanisms as well as the rest of societal-benefits that are existent toward ‘families’ in between as the ‘settled’ ones – this is just because of how much benefit to the system there is when ‘raising kids’ and becoming an integral force that supports the system of abuse.

A hostile environment between members in a family is essentially the pot in which the ‘future of the world’ is usually brewed in. Therefore it is quite clear that the family system must be reformed/ corrected to consider all beings as equals, wherein actual support is given from one member to each other to develop ourselves to the fullest potential.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in pretense where everything is ‘its right place’ without realizing how I created myself as the counter act to such false pretension and in this, existing as the acceptance of such pretense of ‘everything is fine’ being actually so.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to neglect the fact that I created myself out of being an opposite to my family and in this, seeing myself as unfit to fill the idea of ‘everything is fine’ and ‘normality’ yet in essence, still subduing myself to fit a pattern that I can take as ‘my own’ in opposition, without seeing it came out of spitefulness toward the family system.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately sabotage myself just so that I didn’t have to ‘strive’ any further to ‘conquer’ the ideal position that was promoted within my family system.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exist as a deliberate ‘deviation’ from my family which proves that I played out the ‘atheist’ so to speak wherein I am still defined by the idea of ‘how I must be’ according to what the familiar standard is/was by becoming the opposite of it, the denial of it and within this, pretending that I ‘found my place’ while in fact I created it for the sake of not having to struggle with fitting in and fulfilling others’ ideas and expectations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘all is well’ in the family where in fact, there’s been an underlying rivalry all the way which I took on as an opportunity to stand outside of the mold, as a form of bailing myself out from such ideals – yet in essence formed from the idea that I am not able or capable/ suitable enough to be/ become that which others want me to be.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create such a dependency on how I was being perceived within the family to the point of thinking that it is all revolving around myself, therefore feeling like ‘I could not keep up with the high expectations’ upon me, eventually resorting to ‘break the pattern’ and step out of the competition to be the ‘best’ within the family.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to act in deliberate ways to keep the status quo, to not place things into the fire for the sake of seeing ‘what may burn’ which is in essence forgiving myself for fearing creating conflict that could turn into my own detriment as the safety net that family provides – in essence still allowing myself to be trapped within the entire manipulation existent within it.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be affected surreptitiously about the fact that I knew I wasn’t ‘the favorite one’ and in this, accepting my side as the ‘relegated’ one in the family, yet finding a comfort in it because I could be ‘in my own place’ without having others to compete with.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create myself out of a definition of how others would see and define me within their own value-schemes, without realizing that I am not that which others see and perceive about me, I am not that which I still believe I am as an image, personality and memory-system of various experiences that can only stem as a limitation/ definition to who I realize I am.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be ‘overshadowed’ by the ‘grace’ that my sisters showed to others wherein I saw myself as incapable of being equal to – therefore becoming the ‘black sheep’ as a deliberate way to step out of such competition.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deny the fact that any form of jealousy existed toward my sisters as a way of not realizing that the entirety of myself has been created as a counter-act in polarity of what they are/ represent within the family structure.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to accept myself as inferior to my sisters because of their ability to create experiences within me that I could not ‘control’ when I was a little girl – hence becoming a complete separate pattern of what they ‘are’ so that I could not participate in their games any longer.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be jealous of my sisters because of how they would be socially-appealing and graceful wherein I saw myself as unfit to be that, making of myself then the counter act so that I didn’t have to ‘compete’ with them to be ‘better than’ and in that, accepting a perceived ‘inferior position’ wherein I didn’t have to play the game – yet remaining within this inferiority self-perception.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there was only ‘space’ for someone being ‘outstanding’ within the family system and in that, giving away the ability that I had to become a self-perfected human being because of accepting myself as ‘flawed’ specifically when comparing myself to my sisters and others within the family system.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create my own survival mechanism by ‘getting of of the game’ and becoming an ‘unfit player’ for such game which is then how I created myself as the opposite and counter act to my sisters so that I could have ‘my own place’ in reality and feel ‘ok’ within it.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel bullied by my sisters when growing up and in that, generating resentment toward them because of how ‘mean’ they were to me, which I then used as a form of ‘seeing myself as better than’ once that I created that ‘safe place’ for myself where I didn’t have to fit in their schemes anymore.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ‘place the other cheek’ whenever I was bullied by my sisters and within this, accepting myself as inferior, as flawed and as too feeble to stand up for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately suppress the anger and sadness caused within the sisters’ relationship just so that pretending wouldn’t seem such a ludicrous game to play as a family.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘inadequate’ within my family and not-accepted, therefore resorting to seek people in my world where I could be ‘accepted’ and ‘liked/ loved’ for ‘what I was’ which was nothing else but a counter act to the accepted norm within the family system – therefore seeking for others that would feel the exact same way to resort in similar misery with each other.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that my ‘friends’ were my ‘real family’ wherein I actually created my new definition of what ‘family is’ which is a mutual acceptance through deliberate manipulation to remain as the idea/ image of that which we like in each other, keeping the status quo of that inherent self rejection and never willing to support us to actually Live.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘bad’ whenever I had to realize the actual manipulation and lies/ deception going on in between the family members, which I could only witness and keep quiet about so that I wouldn’t form any discord in the moment.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be affected by others’ comments in the family toward me being ‘a bug’ in the family and within that, becoming even more self righteous within my self created black-sheep suit.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to never realize I was only spiting myself and no one else within this self created opposition toward a system that I now see and realize I cannot allow myself to continue being influenced by in terms of defining myself according to it.

Okay, so far several points debunked – it’s all in the family, everyone’s got a similar story so I suggest you dare to investigate for yourself how yours went.

Thanks for reading.

fakesmile


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