Tag Archives: fascination

223. Selling and Buying Culture: Character Role Playing in Society

Continuing with the Elitist Character – Pseudo Rebellious Branch with a sense of Outrageousness as a form of opposing ‘the authority.’

 

 

 

Everything that I described in my last post was me pouring out part of the knowledge that I literally hoarded in order to become a ‘music expert’ for various reasons like: wanting to be a music journalist some day and being able to talk with people that would be equally obsessed with music and form relationships that way, which did happen.  These were more of the ‘long term’ goals, but as I was watching this all I was simply ‘fascinated’ by it – and yes, it is not different to seeing cartoons, TV series or movies or any other form of entertainment that is usually available in houses wherein you can afford to pay for cable TV and expand your TV-droning context of reality. Was I in any way veering my life toward something that was actually beneficial? No, just would go for the mere fix of the experience that I would get from what I saw was ‘innocent entertainment’ because of it being music, I wasn’t realizing how an entire personality was being shaped from all that which I would see and I can assure that I would have only evolved it even further if I had continued from where I was some 5 years ago – I am glad I stopped.

However, how many people are currently as young as 5 years old and dancing to songs by females talking about getting hot sex with their man? Hmm isn’t that a problem? What about all the soft porn that’s now being delivered in music videos? I’ve talked about that before and all I can see is that it is escalating every time, ‘pushing the envelope’ even further, every year doing more and more ‘outrageous’ acts and people defining that as ‘edgy’ and totally cool – well, if we look at the bigger picture, all we’re seeing is how as human beings we’ve defined ‘who we are’ according to what we like, and you’ll see how ‘what you like’ is everything you would get to know of from media/ parents/environment which means that yes, of course, there is no actual free will or free choice or ‘originality’ at all within that – and even becoming a character that opposes all of our current ‘pop culture’ becomes the necessary other side of the coin for the coin to exist. Same deal

Are we blind to see this? I mean for a long time I held all of my preferences as ‘who I am’ and wore them so proudly, because I had ‘invested’ on myself as a character in knowledge, money, time, relationships – I was just directing myself to ‘make it,’ and I guess that the most interesting aspect of that entire breakdown when realizing my personality was not special, unique and that all I was doing was trying to survive and aim ‘at the highest peak’ wherein I was only focusing on me-me-me and perpetuating this ‘good feeling’ as what I then came to imprint to virtually Anything that I would see, due to how visually stimulated I was with all those images I stored in my head of music videos.

Could I say that my ‘career’ was then my apparent free choice and free will? At the eyes of the system yes, but I realize it wasn’t at all. I conditioned myself to do that, I conditioned myself to ‘like’ what I like – stemming from fear and onto fascinations that would simply indicate one thing: the mind was being the ‘driving force’ of it all – not me as who I really am.

Any form of ‘social awareness’ would always remain there as this ‘nagging background’ that I would simply try and suppress every time, pretending I could train myself to ‘have a good time’ as one is taught within  your life: you have to have good times, have fun, spend your money well, etc. But, as I grew older I just turned sadder. My refugee became music which became also sadder and in no way supportive. I turned to books only to feed the fascinations I had gotten from the TV. Where was I as the living being all that time? Nowhere to be found.

This is how important it is to address the problem with allowing our current culture wherein everything that we are as physical beings is reduced to personalities/ characters that are able to interact with each other based on the equal premise of cultivating Ego as ‘who we are.’ At some point I realized it was weird  how when we meet someone, we profile them according to stereotypes that we would acquire from the media and then, we would decide Who we are toward them in a blatant acceptance or rejection, never seeing the being as an equal human being, but immediately reducing ourselves and others to Characters. I for sure cultivated this desire to be a specific character only to attract people with similar personalities and feel ‘at ease’ within my set of preferences = people that could support my design. Yep, image/ego/ idea of self – is that real? No, proof is that I am here as a human being that has been persistently walking a process of aligning all aspect I was once infatuated with in terms of this ‘artistic personality,’ and I’m still alive, living in simplicity and not any longer evolving that same character that sought some form of outrageous stardom in anyway I could.

 

This entire aspect of ‘pop culture’ has been an object of study due to seeing how any form of human integrity was more and more dissolved in order to justify an apparent ‘open mindedness’ that leads to further self-infatuation in energetic experiences of loving and hating, desiring and fearing which are basic primary and rather obvious mechanisms in which we’ve learned we could separate each other and proclaim a sense of ‘freedom’ within it all. Again, necessary to watch The Century of Self to understand where this all comes from.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to never consider that I was only able to be and become ‘who I am’ as a personality due to having enough money to live well, have an education and entertainment wherein I could spend my days cultivating my mind as my preferences, likes and dislikes without ever questioning how it is that I am able to do this, but anyone else having no money, no TV and no time for ‘entertainment’ could not in any way even dedicate themselves to ponder about ‘personalities’ and cultivating ‘characters’ that certainly Do require money to exist and form part what is acceptable or not acceptable in our society, which proves that anything that I have cultivated as ‘who I am’ is only the result of money – period.

Having this premise in place, I can now within this blatant acceptance and allowance of self interest to run as ‘who  I am’ due to the security and ability I had to do so because of growing up in a family with enough money to live well, I can proceed to self forgive the characters I’ve become and supported within this vantage point of a limited version of reality as entertainment/ media and personality-cults that I came to be ‘fascinated’ by only as a mind experience that I sought to equate myself to – hence

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire equating myself to characters that would trigger the most ‘excitement’ and ‘enjoyment’ within me as an energetic experience based on images, words, pictures, sounds that I came to shape as ‘what I like,’ not realizing that these ‘likes’ and preferences were only the result of me identifying all of this to a ‘good time’ and entertainment, which became a rather influential aspect of ‘who I am’ without ever wanting to actually admit how everything that I believed myself to be special or unique for, was only the result of my own deliberate participation in patterns and behaviors that would stand out of the ‘usual’ and as such, create a sense of separation from what I defined as ‘the herd’ as the rest of the people that I would secretly continually judge/ oppose/ criticize and essentially ‘inferiorize’ within this sense of ‘freedom and expression’ that I learned to cultivate based on characters on a screen.

 

I Forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to simply absorb all the pictures,  sounds, people’s personalities and everything that I would consider as ‘music on TV’ while growing up wherein I believed that I was being special and unique for liking all of that stuff, evolving my desire to be an ‘antagonist’ within my environment within this same desire to be special and in that, learning how to Cultivate my ego, imprinting behaviors, words, mannerisms, ways of looking, talking and relating to others based on what I would witness from people on MTV – specifically – never realizing or even questioning why it is that these personalities were being deliberately placed on TV, but instead only absorbing them all and forming the ‘who I am’ as the preferences toward particular kind of music, looks, people, appearances, ways of behaving, acting, relating to the world etc., wherein

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever idolize people that I would watch on MTV with such obsessive behavior that I would only feed myself with their words and images as a way to ‘become’ them and be already preparing the ‘who I wanted to be when I grow up’ as early as 10 years old, which indicates that the role models I had were based on these ‘media characters’ that were designed and allowed specifically to guide or direct the population to focus Only on these ‘future life aspirations’ of being/ becoming characters like our ‘idols’ as musicians/ artists and as such, be always entertained with that and diverting our attention by our own decision and ‘will’ to only focus on entertainment/ personalities that would instigate a desire and a ‘feel good’ experience for all they represented as being ‘free’ and ‘expressive,’ which in my case became an aspect I longed to be and become and eventually did based on copying mechanisms from these roles in media.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately lead myself to like that which was the most shocking or feared by ‘others,’ in order to create a point of antagonism, rebellion or simply ‘pushing the envelope further’ within my reality, wherein there was a sense of specialness and uniqueness for being a ‘young child’ and already knowing about that which only teenagers should be talking about, which then became an entire personality imprint of wanting to hang out with older people and diminishing people my age to being ‘too immature’ for my age, but all that happened is that I deliberately sought to be ‘out of the herd’ by liking what I deemed to be ‘unusual’ at the time – all of this becoming nothing else but a constant and continuous forming, shaping and molding of my own personality at a young age.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had a ‘natural likeness’ toward the things that I believed I liked, not realizing how I created such likeness according to the frequency I would expose myself to a plethora of images and sounds that became part of ‘what I like’ based on basic self-conditioning to only expose myself to this particular media on a daily basis.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to accept the belief that I had to build/ construct the most ‘awesome’ personality that I could in order to be that which I wanted to be/ become based on characters I would see on TV, mostly musicians that I had defined as ‘free, expressive’ people, and some of them even intelligent, which is an aspect that lead me to ‘be fond of’ particular characters in pop culture based on words, but in terms of them in any way being an actual example of how to live as a human being regarding life in equality: there was Nothing of that at all, which indicates that intelligence or any form of common sense was also veered only toward a self-appraisal and in no way being an actual role model to follows as an example of what it was to live –  Even more so when understanding how this apparent ‘depth’ in their words was mostly drug induced – which is the pointer that will be discussed in posts to come.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to never question why this ‘open minded people’ – according to me – were being broadly supported and broadcasted on TV if they were too shocking or too ‘insane’ to be portrayed on TV, not realizing that it was all part of the same mechanism within his world wherein no matter What you sell, but as long as it Sells = then it gets to the mainstream. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that the reason why people were famous was because of real hard work, which can be a result of perseverance, but also in one way or another satisfying the industry’s basic need to generate money – within this

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to never see that there was no ‘filtering’ within what’s being sold and broadly promoted in our reality, and that we are in fact the result of being sold virtually Anything for the sake of experiencing a sense of freedom, enjoyment or personality cultivation, when in fact it all being sold just as characters that we  could idolize/ create relationships with others based on such ‘preferences’ which is nothing else but another way of conditioning the masses to become particular characters that in one way or another became less interested in actual matters in the world and would be more and more infatuated with personal cultivation of the senses – hedonism – as well as dreaming of that which is mostly unattainable for the majority of the population, which is dreams of fame and fortune – therefore

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had a sense of power, freedom of choice and free will when deciding to be/ become ‘fond of music’ and specific visual arts, not realizing how this was just an inevitable outflow due to my constant participation in pictures as ‘what I like’ and this likeness being linked to a positive energetic experience in my mind, never ever being or becoming aware of myself, the world, the actual problems that we are facing as humanity and that define our entire ability to exist.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be brainwashed with this believed ‘righteousness’ to have a particular set of preferences that I cultivated throughout my life within things like music or art, wherein the possibilities of what I could were reduced to only ‘artistic’ careers and neglecting any other skill or capability I could have developed based on me deciding to study art based on preference, not skills and not an actual informed decision, but ‘following my dreams.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to within this entire personality cultivation that I lived in and by throughout my life, I learned to only ‘get along’ with people that would support Me and my ‘fascinations,’ or that would in any way resemble them, which is how I created desires/ wants and needs based on that which was mostly seen as inappropriate or not broadly acceptable in society, becoming the necessary ‘antagonist’ character in my reality in order to fuel further friction and conflict within my world/ reality – which was home, my peers – and taking pride on that just as another character that becomes proud of the extent and amount of knowledge and information that has been carefully tailored as one’s personality, which I became aware of was my ‘driving force’ to continue existing: just evolving my character and personality in order to get the most satisfaction every time.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to idolize other human beings based on the characters they represented wherein I would be mesmerized by their words, looks, behavior and accordingly, ‘do my best’ to try and become something similar to that in order to get to equate myself to that single character that I believed was ‘superior’ than myself. Within this never realizing or questioning how this entire culture is based on this personality cultivation as the real cult-formation that we are taught we must follow through within our lives, wherein me choosing a rather ‘antagonistic character’ was nothing special or unique, but only a single way to perpetuate my self-created ideals of specialness and uniqueness.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to brainwash myself to consider that the common sensical aspect of myself that would regard all beings as equal was too ‘naïve’ according to the character I was busy building as myself. Which is part of how in this world system, any being that portrays actual virtues that support Life is reduced to being  ‘uncool’ or ‘unfit’ within society, ending up bullied, destroyed, ostracized or simply relegated to ‘less than zero’ because of not participating in the personality contest that we’ve become as our society – thus in this, I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could in one way or another be a ‘successful character’ in society while still holding some form of virtue, not realizing that the people that get to such positions of power have obviously been promoted for the sense of liberation through becoming an overtly ‘emotional’ people that represent these ideals that worked as a carrot on a stick for the rest of humanity, wherein we would aspire to somehow ‘equate’ them in one way or another, not realizing that in dong so, we would simply continue consuming what’s being sold as this flag of freedom and expression, never really even questioning why there was this strong desire to ‘free from oppression’ in the first place.

 

I forgive myself that accepted and allowed myself to not see that in this desire to ‘get free’ and ‘be expressive,’ I only consumed characters that became a process of personality-cultivation wherein the focus then was only on me, my wants, needs, desires, experiences and essentially falling into the most basic form of mind control that is broadly promoted: care only about yourself and ‘fuck the rest of the world,’ never realizing that such blatant act of righteousness was only a spiteful mode that perpetuates the characters we’ve become as ‘rebellious acts’ within society without any form of understanding of how this reality thrives on wars and antagonism and even more so, how it is only through each one of us reducing the totality of who we are to mere characters that we can ‘fight’ against each other, and that this is thus the aspect to debunk at all times: how we have diminished ourselves to a set of preferences likes, fascinations as well as dislikes, oppositions, rebellion acts toward ourselves and who we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become as the mind.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to imprint this strong desire to ‘be free’ through opposition, through shocking others, through ‘breaking the norm’ in whichever way this could be one – and in doing so, being more open to ‘escapism’ as a way to ‘be free an expressive’ which meant either becoming ‘insane’ or a drug addict – both representing the ‘anomalies’ that I sought to become in order to ‘spite the system’ as the basic personalities that I grew up listening to and acquiring basic beliefs upon life from.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to take people’s words as ‘truth’ whenever they supported this belief of ‘rising up’ and opposing the system, fooling the system, breaking the laws, rage against the machine and essentially learning how to ‘hate’ through becoming a personality that would seek at the end of the day only to create a constant point of conflict out of everything in this world, focusing on criticizing, judging and opposing everything and everyone to remain only within a secluded state of inconformity, dissatisfaction, isolation and anger within powerlessness to ‘change this world.’ Perfect mind control installed.

 

I realize that the cultivation of these ‘freedom characters’ must be understood as the actual mind-control tool that we install within ourselves from the entry of ‘entertainment’ and ‘preferences’  – such as music in my case for example – wherein all I ended up becoming was this apparent ‘misunderstood person that was ‘unfit’ to society’ without realizing that it was all an entire character that I copied from all the people that I had watched on my TV screen and that I had deliberately become fond of as a representation of that which pointed out ‘freedom’ and survival within the system ( because artists = fame and fortune)  hence believing that I could make it in this world by becoming this antagonistic character while being in the system and feeding off from it, which is what I have discussed in previous posts of theorizing about change and revolution in society, and earning good money out doing so within the intellectual world.

 

I commit myself to debunk any sense of respect that I held toward particular characters in my reality that I kept as ‘real’ and ‘genuine’ because none of them in fact supported a living consideration of human beings as equals, but only stood just as another personality-cultivation that lead nowhere but to where most of them are, which is sunk in drugs, body deterioration, financial problems and some others managing to stay afloat within the same system that enables any form of human degradation to be sold/ packaged and fed to the masses like lollipops.

 

I commit myself to integrate the actual understanding of Freedom as the unconditional support that we can all Agree to give to each other as money to live and within this, for once and for all, stop all cultivation of personalities and instead, educate ourselves to cultivate the actual Life within each other that we have obstructed with all types of media-characters we’ve become, and within this, finally realize to what extent we’ve made of our reality a theatrical show only for the sake of entertaining our mind. Thus within this redeeming ourselves through directing our lives to Support each other as Equals, as physical beings that are able to live, express and ‘be free’ when everyone is equally realized within this basic consideration of who we are as life as physical beings that can enjoy life while simply breathing and establishing relationships of Self Support instead of character-relationships that have lead our world to the current state we’re living in.

 

Time to Open our Eyes and realize that there has been no actual promotion of Self Respect in the mainstream media at all, and that any ‘good intentions’ only paved the way to hell, to protect individual personas that stood as the example of what it is to be a walking paradox when it comes to having brilliant thoughts about the world, humanity, life in general But  still serving one single god: Mind cultivation and Money – but not Life.

This will continue –

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222. Insanity as Libertinage

Are our preferences and personalities a free willed/ free choice act?

What we’re currently witnessing as all things ‘rebellious’ now being absolutely ‘In’ and ‘cool’ is the product of massive brainmediawashing that has lead toward a more ‘open and free’ society, apparently, with lots of free choice and free will and money to spend on buying all of that, of course. This being lead by head-spears of the world system that we’ve come to easily glorify as artists/actors and any other media-person that we’ll end up knowing have severe ‘mental problems’ and take this or that medication.  What I’ll describe here is how something that was part of a ‘greater scheme’ to expand society’s morality to a point of non-morality which meant a similar thing to ‘free market’ speaking in economic terms, came to be part of what I had also adopted as ‘part of my personality’ with preferences/ fascinations or anything else I could entertain myself with, not realizing that what I was witnessing through the screen of my TV was a deliberate act to indoctrinate people to remain as programmable as possible to focus on that which would become the greatest diversion tactic ever promoted in a massive global scale: entertainment industry – and in my case, music and to be specific what became labeled as ‘pop culture’ no matter what music genre you would listen to.

 

The after effects of this open promotion of the ‘push boundaries,’ go ‘insane,’ be wild, be outrageous, just do it characters was both an consequential outflow of the point we’re facing as humanity that have longed for any form of evolution for too long with no result at all – obviously – while portraying that ‘chaos’ within arts and music – but really within everything and everyone, all people that grew up with a sense of this outrageous fame-and-fortune advertised as freedom, becoming the new standard of aspirations for the new generations. But it happens to be that,  taking drugs and a world that was kept ‘secret’ or as a hidden ‘known fact’ went mainstream, which is then not something new but again, I can definitely witness some serious ‘upgrade’ from the type of music videos I watched in the 90’s and all these still underground scenes like raves to what is going on now, wherein you don’t require to hide the fact that you’re on some sort of medication, taking illegal drugs and using them in any regular party, no need to create any rave-like paraphernalia any more.

 

All of this is pointing out toward a massive dumbification and sedation of young generations that are supposed to be the ‘future of our world.’ It is seriously a point to be concerned with, I don’t have TV at the moment because a lightning killed it –lol – but if you have the opportunity to watch MTV just take a look at what kids are watching, because I was one of those kids that age 7 was already watching stuff that defined a Lot of what I became, the decisions I made, what I ‘thought’ myself to be and what I believed were my ‘true desires’ which were not, they were just an outflow of picturing myself as an artist/ rockstar like person or at least a writer that would be part of the entourage, handing out with musicians, which is what I sort of did for a while – and yes if you watch the move ‘almost famous,’ that was kind of part of my dream as well.  Was there any free will or free choice in this? No, I thought I had so by ‘choosing’ to watch this but it’s really not so when I only had a limited amount of channels and a limited desire to go beyond anything that I could fetch on my TV for years. It is irrelevant at this stage to only see the TV as the main problem, really,  one way or another, no matter what I would watch, I would have to face the same point of brainwashing just by being part of this society, since people in our reality seem to be ‘coming out of the screen’ nowadays, and that’s what shocked me the most or at least it became more and more obvious in the past decade.

 

 

 

What do we have then for the topic here? Making suicide, insanity, mental instability and outrageous acts a normal thing for your regular person. Was it really so? I got my perspective on that and as anything in this world, there are juicy interests behind. All in the name of ‘free entertainment that oozed libertinage.’ So this is where we’re headed, but let’s see how I got into this whole thing in quite a well masked way believing that I was somehow ‘being different’ than the rest of the world – lol.

 

In the previous post I walked some early memories related to my first encounter with the concepts pointi7ng out insanity/ craziness – this was from as far as I could remember till age 7. I explained about anger / temper tantrums and how that 1was linked to me being seemingly crazy – which was just a word that I would hear and got used to linking it to this outrageous behavior that I concluded, was mostly a way to instigate conflict and antagonism toward my mother as the representation of the authority in my world. 

 

Now, as a side note: This is an important aspect to consider within anyone reading these series. This is an exploration of how I shaped the meaning of the word crazy/insane based on what I would do/ live out in my life and would end up being called ‘crazy’ for doing that – really, all based on becoming a character that could constantly trigger some reaction within others, mostly, for the sake of my own benefit as in having the power to make others react. Hence it is not the actual full psychological meaning of it that would dimply an actual requirement for a mental treatment of sorts – even if I will explain later on how someone I met became all possible disorders by his own ability to tell stories that he knew the psychiatrist would be willing to play-along with for the sake of psychiatrist selling him drugs, parents being ‘happy’ for having their son ‘on treatment’ and this guy being ‘happy’ for getting the drugs he wanted on a legal manner. That’ll come in posts later on.

 

veruca salt-  seether

 

For now I will continue with the following years  which I’ll identify from 7 – 14 and my relationship to craziness – and all I can see is more deliberate acts and attitudes that would instigate any minute reaction from people around me, it became part of the entertainment, yes, but also the introduction to media. With having the platform of ‘me being crazy’/ called crazy according to my parents and already having built this antagonism and deliberate acts of ‘random madness’ you know, the ‘nice crazy’ wherein you just frolic around and do nonsense and I would get called crazy. Obviously this is the ‘nice story’ told by me as the mind that had built this story so nicely to justify my character, hence I am over generalizing on the ‘crazy’ point, but that’s mostly the point within this all, how I built it myself, not really about ‘my  mother’ or father per se.

 

Well, I found a similar expression later on when watching MTV, and watching Kurt Cobain just running around or any other rockstar of that time doing ‘random acts of madness’ – lol.  I mean, it’s hard to not look into how I conditioned myself to be all ‘rebellious’ and breaking the norms if all I would watch were these people on MTV acting all ‘weird,’ with deliriums of grandeur, trashing backstage places, drinking, getting high, going ‘crazy’ on stage and me just wondering Wow how come there’s not people like THEM around me? lol – this was when I was 7 years old and on, obviously feeding that type of behavior at home with my particular  family-situation – which is no different to any other ‘family situation’ I must stay – made me into a ‘rebellious act’ of sorts, justified by my father because he had been a ‘musician’ on his own way – much mellower lol – but still he supported my ambitions to become learn how to play the guitar, and that went on for a while. But the truth is, the most I liked about music was not really playing it, but the whole attitude. And why’s that: freedom and expression – which are the points I linked to Craziness/ insanity, linked to my fascination and almost devotion for music, again linked to that sense of freedom, expression and insanity – lol as I wrote insanity the thought of Gene Simmons came to mind, figure that out. 

 

Courtney Love - Violet

 

 

As I write all of this it is impossible to not see the face of people like Courtney Love and many other ‘riot girls’ that I grew up watching and that I have for sure written about  Day 24: Supervixen and Day 60: Femme Fatale « but I also obviously had all these males on the screen just going being overtly ‘expressive’ but also being seemingly ‘crazy looking’ or just ‘plain crazy’ See the action would unfold as follows: I would be sitting on the couch watching MTV doing homework or just watching TV and people would walk by the TV room – which almost became my room – and they would take a look at what I was watching and would simply stare at the screen, then look back at me with this face of utter disgust like ‘do you like watching this?’  and so I would nod my head happily because hey, they liked all that ‘mellow’ music, I was into something real ‘badass’ and so it made me special to like crazy people on the TV Screen. They would just make a sign with their finger, making circles around their ear as in saying ‘you are fucking crazy.’ Which would then fuel up my desires to actually Be so, because: hey this is making Me different from THEM, awesome! Let’s keep pushing the envelope. Obviously I didn’t say the last phrase but just to place into context how I would go escalating my fascinations, just because I knew that my sisters would never be able to ‘match’ this, nor was it common for a girl liking this metal and before that grungy music, which also later on became interests that lead me to aspire relationships with older people into this world, which then became a reality, but that’s another story.

 

Marilyn Manson Tourniquete

 

It becomes almost impossible not to point out the person that caused the most shock within me turning into a fascination later on, which was Marilyn Manson and the moment I watched that video Tourniquete in 97, which was about the same time that I got to now of yet another suicide – after I had been aware of Kurt Cobain’s suicide in 94 and it seemed like a ‘common thing’ among artists after I had known of other people committing suicide or ending up dead by overdose – this time it was Michael Hutchence’s death by autoerotic asphyxiation, which obviously to me was like a ‘say whaaaat?’ at that time, I simply did not get it until much later… and then other deaths followed like Lane Staley from Alice in Chains, drug overdose and various other ‘drug stories’ that would go on as if within the art/music scene, being on drugs was the same as ‘going to school’ for a regular person in this world. Well, they all ended up like a hero of sorts, so to me it was like ‘ok people like these people that committed suicide, wtf – but, oh well they were too sad about the world, okay.’ Which is a proof of how I was already beginning to create an ‘appropriate’ link of insanity + drugs = acceptance in society, expression, ultimate stardom and then a rushed death, which as any human being became another ‘fascination’ due to the fear that we actually have toward it.

 

There were other points I later on started becoming aware of like serial killers and demonic possessions on the discovery channel, which also ‘fascinated me’ for the actual level of ‘I can’t believe it’ that they produced within me. Then I became aware of people like Timothy McVeigh – the ‘American Domestic Terrorist’ –  for some reason it stuck within me,  probably because it was my first understanding of what a terrorist attack was. I mean I had heard parents say ‘wars were perpetrated by fucking crazy people’ but till then I didn’t know that people would act alone and deliberately kill or bomb entire buildings and have a name for that: terrorism. Well duh, how come we have become so ‘fascinated’ with serial killers =  they represent a great level of fear for the actions that your neighbor next door could actually be scheming out against you/ the community in their own homes. Lots of fear – perfect mass control. What have we done as society? We’ve turned it into a Fascination and dare I say even a marketing point without even then really looking at what the fuck we are actually worshiping:  Please read the entire series:

Day 64: International Crime Research: Serial Killers, Mass Murderers and Sociopaths Part 1

 

I say marketing because there are these exhibitions of serial killers that get a LOT of visits = lots of cash simply because of telling you all the story of ‘the most famous serial killers,’ without having a clue of how it all actually worked and how it was true that most of the time, the killers would not be aware because it was all a product of Demonic Possessions – all explained by Mykey in the series: Demons in the Afterlife.

 

What’s more interesting within this all is that I had never a real encounter/ contact with an actual crazy person or any form of severely deranged person such as a serial killer or anything like that, nor someone that had actually been declared crazy and locked up in a mental hospital. I only created a ‘fascination’ toward it because of the fear that I initially experienced about it, not being able to ‘understand’ people’s behavior and what could lead them all to take themselves to the verge of self destruction in all possible ways, yet seen as ‘fun’ and acceptable in society. Same with mass murders,  self-condemning themselves to the electric chair and these demon possess people – all of it just brewed into my definition of insanity that became a fascination, a desire to understand it or even live it out to see ‘what it was like’ at last, because… well the aspect of an artist/ musician being considered as ‘eccentric’ and ‘special’ lead me to want to be just like them and not having to ‘behave’ like everyone else in society – or around my world to be precise – and yes, guess what? Any initial desires I had to study or become someone quite active within the world system vanished over time. Why would that be? Was I getting too immersed in the realm of the ‘intangible’ as music, arts and all that nice intellectual atmosphere?  Yes. 

 

 

What can I conclude from this

 

1. Being rebellious, daring, aloof, expressive, transgressive, and essentially high on drugs was what everyone was deeming as ‘cool’ in our society. Fascinating, isn’t it? I grew up with that – what shaped my view of the world/ people – was it really Me? No, of course not. It was MTV mostly at that time in my life, because I had really no ‘friends’ that were into it and my ‘best friends’ at the time were two girls that I am thankful got me into playing games and actually being outside and away from the TV Screen. But whenever I was not with them, I was just imprinting all these characters in an almost obsessive manner, in a non-stop manner. Everything that I had become before beginning this process was just a self-cooked version of all of this information into my own mix of ‘outrageous goodness,’ I was ‘hitting my dreams’ by the time I got to Desteni, it was a ‘tough decision’ to give it all up for a moment, but eventually I knew I had to do it. I would have definitely regretted not doing so out of fear of losing my ‘carefully lengthy built personality,’ because I was quite specific and so I ensured I would take all the bits I liked from people and made them ‘my own,’ acting like them, being like them, deliberately. I thought it was a ‘free willed’ act, lol – not really as we can see, all part of the same drill leading to remain within the frameworks of this current world-system, screaming out fears but never doing anything about it.

 

2. The definition that I held of ‘crazy’ was simply another act linked to ‘freedom’ and any other form of ‘anti-establishment’ that I perceived in all these madness acts by artists, which meant a ‘revolutionary act’ that I later on got to know of had been brewing ever since, according to pop culture, Elvis had rocked his bottom in suggestive ways on TV and had gotten banned for that. I later on grew up watching people throwing themselves over drum sets, drinking, vomiting, being almost naked, taking tampons off on stage and anything else that I could ‘swallow’ within all the pages of magazines wherein I learned what being a ‘rockstar’ meant – lol, I obviously wanted to tag along, which became a fascination out of the sense of freedom these people represented – lot of drug names were given, but I wasn’t really paying attention to that. At that time, it was all about the words, behavior, the image, the style, the music, lyrics, music videos, shocking onstage performances, being absolutely wasted as the ultimate cool, flipping the finger toward the government and organizing ‘freedom concerts.’ This is what was ‘into’ then as well, a delirious sense of ‘freedom’ as an energetic experience that I became hooked on, wanting to enact it all later on in my real life.

Now, you catch the drift?

….. this will continue with Self Forgiveness and Self Correction to see how everything that I deemed as ‘my preferences/ my fascinations’ were only a product of another mass-brainwashing campaign that I took part of, seeking to ‘escape the system’ and never even ‘bother’ to do some real changes in this world, and that’s a fact as I lived that out for quite a while, pursuing my ‘lifestyle’ mimicking what I had been ‘educated’ with on TV throughout late childhood and teenage years.

 

My suggestion is to observe your own life in relation to media, see what types of preferences you had, your ‘personal idols,’ what did they represent to you that you were not able to live out yourself, if you were exposed to some role model in your early days, then see where you stand toward that particular person nowadays. I see it is vital to understand that we’ve never really made a single choice by ourselves and that it is thus of utmost importance to debunk our entire ego, as we never know what we might still be ‘holding on to’ which is linked to just another massive mechanism we’ve accepted and allowed ourselves to be conditioned by without seemingly ‘knowing’ so, but certainly still defining ‘who we are’ as a point of limitation, which is a problem and we’ll walk the solutions in posts to come.

 

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221. Insanity as a Fear turned into Fascination

Continuing with: 220. Drug Culture: Mad Society as a Lifestyle

First point: How did I come to link Drug Culture with Mad people as a point of fascination?

– Personal Story/ Characterization of the Black Sheep/Crazy person that supports Crazy People:

By Fascination I mean something that intrigues you, something that you cannot be certain of but containing ‘something’ that is mostly not broadly understood, acceptable, comprehensible, normal and having no ‘cure’ for it. And all of this formed part of all the various mysteries that I would always be fascinated to talk about, which is like a generational thing: all things occult, paranormal, mysterious, extraterrestrial, inexplicable events, myths and whatever it is that would cause me a point of Fascination as an energetic experience that I can describe as Adrenaline.  Where does adrenaline come from? Fear.

Yesterday I wrote that I didn’t quite know where this fascination comes from, so I got a perspective on how it was simply a point of Fear that I had turned into a fascination. I definitely see the point as there was an energetic movement that I realized I had to walk through first in order to be able to tell the story, walk the Self Forgiveness without holding onto the Experience that I imprinted on all these memories. Even the drawing I placed on yesterday’s post indicated the way to follow up: I fear going insane – which is a real thought in my mind that has existed at times and I bet that all human beings have had this thought at some point in their lives. To me such fear indicated how the moment I could not make sense of insanity, I turned it into a fascination, which is a very simple polarity mechanism of the mind to turn love into hate and vice versa, all for the sake of creating a relationship of conflict toward something/ someone. That insanity became what I realized would be linked to a sense of freedom – e.g. when I was a kid and ‘act all crazy’ and how I would have fun for causing a shock to my family, I mean this was quite a common way for me to behave, lol, and it was all because of the energetic experience. 

It was exactly a month ago that I began gathering information about this topic and so I got several points listed related to insanity/ drugs as a point of self definition. Therefore, this will be quite a ride since I can see a lot of the personality I had become was linked to this and may still be seeping through at times.

 

Hence this entire topic will be divided in two: Insanity and Drug Culture.

– I begin with insanity and my childhood years.

When I was a child, I would go into extreme temper tantrums, I’ve explained this before when talking about anger, getting possessed to the point wherein I would vibrate my whole body and I absolutely get till this day this chilling sensation on the left arm when recalling the energy and pain in the back of my head, occipital point right side. So, what comes up to mind is that when I would possess myself within these tantrums, I would mostly end up being alone in what was then my parent’s room and my mother would come in and be all angry at me for being throwing a tantrum,  I remember her eyes being absolutely wide open and then saying something along the lines of me being really crazy for being possessed with such anger/ in such tantrum. So, this word was connected to this shock that I would put myself into within this anger possession and her calling me crazy would only fuel this entire possession like a spiteful mode of ‘Oh you’re calling me crazy eh? well here we go, I’ll get as crazy as I can’ and so end up really just crying my heart out and feeling my body just go into this absolute energetic possession wherein I would feel every single part of my body going into a frenzy, anger in the utmost expression’ – I would only take this to a certain point because: I feared dying. Yes, I feared that my heart would stop and I would get a heart attack for tensing up my body that much, so I would only calm myself down out of guilt for what I realized I was doing to my body, I could feel what a draining experience it was for it and so I would stop out of regret, shame and feeling overall miserable and sad toward myself and ‘asking forgiveness’ to my body at the end, regretting the whole act, but not learning from it as I would then repeat the same some other times…  I would be alone when all of this would happen since my mother or father would mostly close the door after themselves whenever I was in such a state of possession. All of this I’m pretty sure would happen when I was 5, 6 or 7.  And this is as far as I can see I linked insanity with fear due to my anger possessions.

Later on whenever we would see ‘crazy people’ like vagrants on the street, my mother would take me by the hand and walk across the street or deliberately change our path/way to not go directly past the ‘crazy person.’ She was afraid of them and so I obviously picked up the fear toward them, ending up fearing being called crazy person, like them  – initially – which later on turned into the opposite point.

 

Another aspect is how whenever I would be exalted/ angry for any little thing in my world – listen to the short fused life review to listen to what I would mostly go through my life – my mother would have this joking-way of dealing with me and so she would start patting my back, caressing my back but she said something about such movement been done to ‘calm crazy people when going through an attack’ – and so I would then dislike her doing that because of her then doing it within the starting point of calling me ‘crazy’ and as such, being considered a ‘crazy person’ which I feared/ disliked. I took it absolutely personal and too serious so I would react to her in further anger whenever she tried to touch me again when I was angry.

The same situation would happen with my father, whenever he was absolutely angry and my mother would try and calm him down. What happens in this situation is that one is so possessed with anger that someone kind of making fun of your experience or ‘not taking it seriously’ = not ‘buying’ and in a way not supporting the mind’s tantrum, only fueled the anger because us in the mind is like ‘come on you have to get all fearful because I am Angry!’ – just like demons instigating deliberate fear around the people that are in the presence of a demon possession, which is what I’ve learned from the recent interviews by MyKey Demons in the Afterlife.  So, I essentially would do the same he did until my mother would not handle it and end up reacting in anger as well.  And so I would exacerbate the anger even further, until I would decide that I had been angry enough time for the day.

 

And so this ‘crazy’ person point became a relationship within myself toward my mother mostly wherein I would later on try and prove that I was ‘in fact’ crazy for liking, saying, doing the things I would do, which weren’t real shocking but always containing some form of instigation toward a reaction, as I would feed off from her reactions toward my actions, way of behaving, doing, living, preferences, etc. just the deliberate process of creating a point of conflict within her wherein I would get a kick out of ‘not following her ways’ and becoming that which I thought she feared me becoming.

Now things have changed obviously as I’ve walked my process and realized more and more how my relationship toward here was based on this antagonism to create a point of conflict within her and myself. Till this day she calls me loca as a nickname, which is only a remnant of everything that I lived out in order to seem outrageous for her/ my family, which is why I then went into finding out more about everything that was feared as insanity and drug addicts mostly. So, I essentially created a ‘fascination’ for some of the key aspects that I would hear my parents fearing: insanity and drug addicts as mentally instable people, as some sort of scum of society.

There you go, my antagonist/ rebellious character then formed according to creating a likeness/ being fascinated with that which was feared, being curious about that which you cannot understand, that which is not openly talked about – at least not at home or in y immediate environment – which were insanity and later on drugs.

 

This will continue.

 

Self Forgiveness on the First aspect of this entire point which is Insanity/ Craziness.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear going crazy when I was a child due to how I learned that insanity was something to be feared and that I could in fact end up being sent to a mental hospital, which would exist as a joke within my family of ‘dropping me at El Batán’ which became like similar to threatening me with the boogie man.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react in absolute fear literal petrification that one time that I was taking pictures around the pyramid in Cholula, and the mental hospital is right behind, and so as I was walking around, I heard a woman screaming ‘Let me out! Let me Out” and so her screams became this chilling experience of absolute fear within me, wherein I realized that I actually feared ever being in such a place that I had only ‘idealized’ from what one read in books or watches in movies.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to experience powerlessness toward ‘insane people,’ while feeling sorry for them being ‘locked up’ and at the same time fearing me being in such a place ever in my life.

 

I realize that I understand now why such type of absolute actual crazy people – not self-made crazy people, which is another story – were actually system-integration errors within the physical body, wherein the mind would not develop appropriately, leading to a physical development as ‘usual’ but the mind creating a point of instability/ malfunction leading to mental impairment or insanity – For further support to understand this which was actually a cool explanation to make sense of people with mental problems Life Review – A Child’s Mind in an Adult Body.

 

 

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View from standing outside ‘El Batán’

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to keep this picture as ‘special’ because it was taken right after I heard that woman screaming ‘let me out’ and imprinting it as an entire memory that I recall as  a point of fear but at the same time linked to the entire emotional aspect that I had lived out within myself toward gloomy-looking trees and sunsets, making it a ‘perfect memory’ of fear, enjoyment and whatnot as a Mindfuckism example of that which I accepted and allowed myself to be defined by.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was in fact ‘fascinated’ with insanity and/or drugs, without realizing how it was only me creating a relationship of likeness/ preference/ desire toward that which I feared and learned to fear through the memories of my childhood and the reactions I would pick up on people as in fearing insane people, drug addicts and within that, not getting any further information as to ‘why’ they were crazy or why they would take drugs in the first place.

 

When and as I see myself believing that I am fascinated and curious by that which points out insanity or drug addictions, the inexplicable human behavior – I stop and I breathe – I realize that any point that I create a fascination toward is just a relationship of fear that I have built up based on knowledge and information and as such, I direct myself to breathe and equalize myself to that which I have built a ‘fascination’ toward, ensuring I stop all participation in any form of energetic experience that I have deemed as fascination –

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link ‘fascination’ to an energetic experience of extensive fear as adrenaline, as something that ‘I like’ which is not Me really liking such energetic experience as something ‘positive’ but it is who I am as the mind creating a relationship of fascination toward that which I could not understand and was feared instead. Which is how I developed later on fascinations toward the occult, mysteries, ghosts, spiritualism, dead people, and everything that would be usually ‘feared’ due to being labeled ‘insane’ or ‘abnormal’ and defining myself as ‘liking’ that which was not broadly acceptable.

 

When and as I see myself creating an energetic experience of adrenaline when participating with something/someone that I have considered as insane, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is me morphing the fear into a fascination thus I stop participating in fear and instead, equalize myself to the physicality of the moment here as breath to ensure I remain here as breath when interacting, reading, hearing, watching anything related to insanity.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that there was something ‘special’ in crazy people wherein I then thought that being crazy was an equivalent to being ‘sane’ in this mad world – crazy people being ‘more free’ and expressive from anything that was implanted as a point to be feared or not done in our society, which is how I would veer toward ‘craziness’ as only a desire to become that in a very moderated way, simply because of knowing that my parents feared crazy people and that crazy people were mostly relegated from society – and as such, me wanting to be ‘special’ in a way for being crazy as a form of positive experience and self definition in he mind.

 

When and as I see myself believing that crazy people were special in a way due to not abiding to the social norms and rules and as such, being ‘out of the programming’ in one way or another – I stop and I breathe – I realize that craziness/ insanity is a word that only points out what we have all been and participated within in our day to day living in this world, and that as such there has been no sanity that we could find within ourselves as humanity as a whole yet.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define people as ‘crazy’ based on what the medical societies would define a person was, which then became a pejorative word to call a person that would be dealing with any form of mental instability.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create my fascinations based on that which I knew would bother my mother, father and family in general, wherein I then veered to become the opposite of everything that I assessed they were ‘all about,’ and this being the beginning of me as the opposition/ rebellious/ antagonistic character that I later on became fascinated with as a point of energetic experience due to how I would identify with people that were insane or the fascination toward drugs as a sense of ‘freedom’ – hence linking ‘freedom’ to insanity/ drug cultures as everything that would be opposed to what I learned was prohibited, unspoken at home which was then ‘restriction/ fear’ linked to insanity and drug cultures among other perverse state of minds that were a taboo within society.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately want to ‘act crazy’ to instigate a point of friction and conflict within my mother, wanting to create some form of distress within her just for the sake of having the power to do so.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately shape, mold and create a personality based on everything which I thought and believed my mother would fear me liking/ becoming, in essence becoming everything that I knew would piss her off, just because ‘I could’ and just because I wanted to instill a point of conflict in her life as the actual evil point that exists within/ as myself as the mind that seeks conflict and friction to survive.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to want to blame my mother for all the fears that I acquired through her, not realizing that I was the one that accepted and allowed such fears to become part of my self definition, and that I continued acting upon them, later on using them as a way to become that which she feared as a point of ‘power’ over her, because of knowing that I could instigate fear within her for being/ becoming or liking things that she mostly would fear or reject. Again, this within the principle of me as the mind only seeking friction and conflict to be able to continue existing as the mind.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to grow up believing that I could understand what an insane people would feel like.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience ‘fascination’ toward the pictures that I saw – not long ago- in an exhibition of a public photography archive of La Castañeda, which was the most ‘famous’ mental hospital here in Mexico City, and these pictures were taken around the 50’s and creating an energetic experience while watching them of fear/ fascination as well as sadness and condescendence while watching these pictures of the people, the place and their drawings.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could deal with insane people easily just because of me apparently being able to ‘understand’ them, which is only me wanting to get close to that which I remember I had to fear/ stay away from while growing up in my family. Therefore

When and as I see myself believing that I am able to understand insane people – I stop and I breathe – I realize that ‘insane people’ can only exist as a definition of people in my mind according to a particular character that people have deliberately become in/as the mind, which is Not who the real being is – thus I ensure that I equalize myself to who and what the being really is in order to not look at the character they are representing and creating a point of empathy Toward the Character, but instead, assist and support myself to bring out/ equalize myself to the Being that is real, that is physically here as an equal. Within this also ensuring that I stop any form of condescendence as a projected victimization toward people that are being considered ‘insane’ nowadays, and believing that they require a ‘hand’ – not realizing that  as long as such beings are not directly deciding for themselves to support themselves first and foremost, I cannot possibly play the savior toward ‘them.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link the word ‘crazy/ loco’ with a pejorative way to call a person as well as a flattering word to be called as, wherein I had linked first ‘crazy/ loco’ with a reaction of fear that later on turned into a fascination, hence accepting and allowing myself to feel almost ‘flattered’ whenever my mother calls me ‘loca’ which means crazy woman, which is obviously only a nickname that I realize I had reacted to in a positive manner due to how I had defined crazy people as Free from the social conditioning that we are all a part of,  within this

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a point of ‘joy’ toward the deliberately/jokingly exaggerated automated actions that my father would do whenever he’s in a rush and doing things and getting everything ‘done’ as fast as he can, wherein he tends to act a bit aloof and ‘crazy’ which is an aspect I created a fondness toward, like saying ‘hey look that’s where I got it from’  – which is just a point of getting attention for behaving in a particular aloof manner, as a ‘joke’ or humoristic way of being.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a point of identification with my father for his ‘crazy ideas’ lol and as such believing that ‘I knew what  he would go through’ whenever my mother would bring him ‘back to Earth’ and I would take such action as a repression/ suppression, which was at times so – lol – but I then used it as a way to ‘team up’ against my mother and developing an entire personality that I have walked sufficiently on a mind construct which is now pretty clear how the fear/ antagonism toward my mother also carries the words ‘crazy’ as a relationship formed of me presenting traits that my father had, wherein I saw how she would react the same way toward me when I presented myself/ spoke in a ‘crazy way’ just to get a kick out of her reacting to our craziness.

 

Lol I remember when riding in the car and talking about aliens/ UFO’s and my father saying that he wanted to be alien abducted and how I would say ‘yes! yes! me too!’ and my father would continue rambling about that and saying how we would both go there and live with extraterrestrial beings etc. etc. and my mother would only say and repeat ‘you are both Really crazy’ and how we would fuel that point of friction and conflict more and more.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use ‘insanity’ as a fear instilling process toward my mother and any other person on the street whenever I want to create a point of conflict/ friction within them, and as such, deliberately doing acts wherein I would get a energetic kick out of doing that which was not ‘normal’ or that I considered wasn’t normal at the eyes of others, hence getting an experience out of ‘transcending’ my own fears toward insanity in the first place.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to copy my father’s mechanism of presenting himself as overtly ‘honest’ at times as a means to instigate a point of friction and conflict within my mother, wherein he would exaggerate things to blow them out of proportion so that my mother would react in a restrictive manner toward his behavior and hearing her say ‘(name of father’ you are really crazy’ – lol – and from there forming this condescending experience toward my father like ‘I know what you FEEL like, I’ve been there myself’ – not realizing that I am simply representing the exact same patterns he’s had throughout his life in both anger and a bit of aloofness which I had created as a mix of, precisely, fear and fascination in my mind like a fondness toward him due to what I would also experience within myself as what I perceived was similar to His experience.

 

When and as I see myself being fond of my father’s aloofness and tantrums, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this fondness that I have created toward him can only exist if I continue to see him only as that ‘craziness’ pattern that I became fond of due to standing as a point of friction and conflict that we could inflict within my mother and as such, creating an entire character about this particular experience of retaliating toward my mother due to the inherent friction and conflict I experienced toward her as ‘my mother’ and the corrective-person toward all my personal ‘treats’ that would give me an energetic kick, which was everything that she would judge and ‘go against’ throughout my life, not realizing that all those choices I made were essentially part of the character that I became to oppose everything she would see as acceptable, just to create and perpetuate a point of conflict within me/ my life and hers and call this ‘freedom/ rebelling against oppression’.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold this belief that my father would act aloof/ crazy as a deliberate way to instigate attention and conflict within others, which is nothing else but becoming a character in order to get some attention from others as a point of specialness/ outrageousness which is mostly considered as plain ‘crazy’ or ‘abnormal,’ which I equated to ‘freedom’ and ‘expression.’ From here creating the whole idea that I was a crazy person because I would not want to abide to social norms and I wanted to deliberately instigate a point of shock within people whenever I could as a way to gain attention, recognition, specialness, uniqueness, the ideal ‘free being’ type of expression which was all linked to this entire construct of initially having feared insanity, then using it as a way to instigate conflict in others which would give me an energetic experience in the mind that would confirm: I am a crazy person/ I am abnormal/ I am special/ I am misunderstood/ I do not fear breaking the rules – and all this ‘antagonist/ rebellious/ black sheep’ character that I became throughout my life in my family and environment in a very moderate way, but very ‘ingrained’ as ‘who I am.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an energetic experience of adrenaline whenever I would do something that was deliberately ‘outrageous’ just for the sake of triggering a reaction within Others – which points out how if I had no people around me to instill a reaction within, I would have mostly not played out these characters at all as there is no point in acting like that whenever I am alone – hence realizing that everything that I created of myself as a ‘crazy character’ was just a way to get attention, be opposed, step out of the rules, be perceived as free and expressive and mostly instigate a point of conflict within my mother.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having desired to keep this specific way of being that can be labeled as ‘crazy’ and a bit autistic at times when being alone or walking through the streets whenever I want to protect myself from any potential threat – due to being alone/ walking alone – and present myself in a particular way wherein I expect people to believe that I am crazy and that I am ‘not worthy’ of assaulting or robbing as in me being deranged or possibly dangerous toward them.

When and as I see myself going through the streets and wanting to deliberately present a physical expression of being a bit crazy or deranged with certain attitudes like looking at the wall or moving my hands or walking too fast or looking ‘aloof’ in order to protect myself, I stop and I breathe – I realize that these attitudes are stemming from fear – and as such, I direct myself to act, be here and walk as breath without participating in any point in my mind wherein a point of perceived threat is activated when and while walking.

 

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to not deliberately brush my hair when I had hair as a way to denote ‘look, I am crazy, do not get close’ lol – which became part of the entire eccentric personality later on linked to the artistic character that I’ve also walked within this process.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever look at ‘crazy people’ or even autistic people with a certain ‘fascination’ and trying to understand them/ support them somehow which was an entire experience of fear turned into adrenaline whenever this happened, which I equated as fascination, becoming only a mind fixation of sorts due to the fear that I actually experienced toward them and transforming that fear into a fascination which in no way is it in fact assisting and supporting myself and others to step out of our fears, prejudices and definitions toward one another as physical human beings and within this, supporting  ourselves to stop existing only as characters that we’ve become in the mind, and instead focus on supporting one another to become physical living beings.

 

I realize that all of this is knowledge and information that served only a single purpose: to limit myself within a particular energetic relationship and experience as the mind, instead of equalizing myself as the physicality that we all are as human beings. Thus

 

I commit myself to stop all self-definitions as an energetic imprint within me linked to insanity/ craziness/ aloofness that I have linked to a point of freedom and apparent ‘fascination’ within the understanding that it all stemmed out of fear and familial relationships linked to reactions in the mind. Thus, I equalize myself as the physical here wherein no definitions can exist as ‘who I am’ or ‘what I like’ – but simply assisting and supporting myself to be and become the actual living-being that I am and that stops energetic experiences toward words, pictures and memories that are related to the ‘insanity’-fascination character.

 

I commit myself to continue debunking this point of insanity as fear as a point of apparent ‘fascination’ as only one of the aspects that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become as a character in the mind, which is nothing else but an energetic self-definition that only feeds the entire personality of ‘who I am’ as the mind. Thus, I walk this process in order to stop any form of ‘minute’ experiences that I have linked to this particular character of insanity-fascination and support myself to equalize myself as breath, as the physical that I am in reality.

 

In the Equal Money System there will be education based on understanding how the mind functions, in order to be able to direct and educate all beings to correct any predisposition to veer toward the acting out of the mind instead of the physicality. The patterns will be able to be corrected as a physical process with specific support and assistance to also deal with anyone that may present any form of mental instability that could represent an actual threat to the community/ society.

 

Further support:

 

From the Book: 

Equal Money – Future of Money – Volume 1

 

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Day 4–Lugubrious Romantic

The word implies that which I have identified with before as an ‘artist’ and the usual miserable/ victimized experience that I created for myself within this particular ‘view’ upon life. That in itself implies having a constant ‘filter’ through which I would view the world, with a sense of despair and hopelessness which has taken me quite a while to stop as I participate in my world. It even became like a constant facial expression as if something troubled me, concerned me or worried me too much,  a constant sense of apprehension toward reality. This eventually became part of what I would write, draw, paint and specifically my inner experience while taking photographs, always a sense of ‘nostalgia’ lol – quite the usual personality-fix for a tormented personality.

I watched a vlog that I made on being a ‘visual vicious’ and I realized how much I had resisted facing this point due to the ‘hold’ I created toward it as ‘my personality’ as ‘my specialness’ – which is now here, opened up and ready to be debunked again.

 

The word ‘Romance’ came up at the Forum and I decided to investigate the meaning of it further. I found the following definition which resonated with what I had ‘lived as’ throughout my life, and that I am still walking-through when it comes to a daily interaction with my environment and the experience of myself while doing so.

    Romance:
    a quality or feeling of mystery, excitement, and remoteness from everyday life.

     

And I also found Adam’s blog Getting Down from High to be dwelling around the same point, which I found quite supportive in order to see the ‘value’ aspect that I had given to this particular way of ‘seeing reality’ and cutting the crap of it for the sake of Stopping giving values and seeking specialness outside of ourselves as ‘how we view the world’

 

What had been right in front of me as this spot of distraction and preoccupation had been this unseen and fearful judgement of myself as worthlessness, having visions of validation as something special, this sparkling treasure of the wasteland. – Adam Closs

 

I really laughed while reading this because that’s what I became when seeking anything to ‘beautify’ through my ‘glorious eye’ by taking pictures of something, and I would go through phases of regret when not having a camera with me while seeing something that ‘would make a great picture.’ Then this goes with the thoughts of being able to share the pictures on my photoblog and having people writing poems over it, lol! That’s how it worked some 5 years ago. I have diminished my obsession with ‘capturing moments’ by taking thousands of photos,  however the experience that I created around looking at the world and everything around me with some sense of ‘awe’ became quite ingrained in my reality. This would be a constant experience within me wherein I would solace to see the world as something that could ‘drain me’ and ‘overwhelm me’ – essentially seeking sublimation even by seeing a ‘beautiful sunset’ every day. I remember – and I have shared this experience before-  how I would be amazed at a particular time of the day where the sun shone upon some weeds at the farm, something similar to this:

 

 

and I was walking with Sunette before horses in that moment and I let her know how I would experience myself while seeing the whole landscape, how I would experience that ‘glow’ on the plants as something overwhelming somehow. She explained to me how I could simply ‘be here’ as the flowers, as the glow, as the entire moment without creating an experience about it. And that was a very cool lesson for me in that moment to see I had created a point of separation by adding judgments to ‘beautify’ and place more ‘value’ on plants according to the time of the day and how the sun would shine upon them.

 

I actually had two moments during the same day – two days ago – of wanting to have a camera with me as I went past a dead rat and a dead black cat on the sides of the road I usually walk around. In that moment there was a desire to ‘take a picture of it’ – it became so ingrained within me to want to ‘take a picture of it’ that I had to literally force myself to continue walking and stop staring at the dead animals while thinking ‘I can go get my camera, but there’s not gonna be enough light then’  and I simply decided to let it go, I had to say to myself: ‘alright, I let it go’ and in my mind there’s like this ‘nooo!’ because of ‘missing out a great shot’ – yet it was cool to actually let the moment go by.

 

It was also interesting to see how when I was on my way back, the rat had been squashed open, which made me ponder ‘if I had taken that picture, I would have gotten the perfect shot without all the viscera and blood pouring out, and one with the ‘aftershock.’ I kept walking and gave a second and final glance to the cat lying on the side of the road. I mean, who created such an obsession to take photos in such a compulsive manner? I did! So, I am physically letting go of that desire to ‘capture it all’ – otherwise I would have thousands of pictures as that desire to engulf reality into a series of two-dimensional picture representations that have never equated the actual sight and reality of it. One picture won’t ever hold the actual essence of the moment, which is always here, as ourselves, and doesn’t require to be held for posterity charged with some nostalgia in it.

It’s quite interesting, I just wrote a blog about validation and this ‘value’ that we seek for in any other way than life itself. This mechanism of wanting to ‘capture the moment’ is certainly a way to ‘cherish the moment’ which is how I would define taking pictures to be. Making something ‘more’ than what it is by my ‘godly act’ of taking a picture of it and pondering it for others to see.
Now, this doesn’t mean that that has to stop obviously, but it’s definitely cool to debunk this entire perception of reality and simplify it to share it for what it is and stop all experiences around it.

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in arrogance and spite by committing myself to and as my own judgement according to my own world of energy and self-interest.”  Adam Closs

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever accept and allow myself to define me as a visual vicious

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to preserve, capture and ‘cherish’ a moment by taking photographs in order to satisfy the experiences that I have created and separated myself from while diminishing a moment of life, here as breath, to a single energetic experience of ‘fulfillment’ within the frame of ‘who I am’ as having a particular curiosity toward that which I see in my reality, not realizing that the moment that I stop breathing and go into a desire to capture it, I am separating myself from that which I see and use it to get an energetic fix that satisfies my senses within the definition of who I am and have become as – I see resistance to say it – a romantic, as that experience of excitement when encountering something that is ‘out of the ordinary,’ creating a energetic experience that I tend to cling on to, in order to ‘make the experience last.’

 

I realize that I have separated myself from that which I see and that I can only create a point of specialness toward that which I see according to me valuing life in separate ways wherein what I see can be ‘more’ or ‘less than’ according to how I have ‘rated’ my reality according to aesthetic values in separation of Life as who I am

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever get pissed off at art theory classes when talking about beauty and the sublime and believing that they were ‘raping reality’ by placing it into categories according to the human experience imprinted onto reality, as that which is here, without realizing that I was still living this point as myself when wanting to capture certain points of my reality from the starting point of glorifying it and having others glorifying it and perpetuate the eternal mindfucks we have created and imposed on to life as our own mind-frames onto that which is unconditional life-expression here.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imprint my own desires to generate an experience in accordance to that which I deem ‘beautiful’ or ‘overwhelming’ as the experience that I have allowed myself to trigger from seeing and observing the reality that is here, that I have separated myself from in the name of becoming only the ‘eye’ that observes, that defines, that categorizes and that is able to generate an experience out of it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to experience aloofness and wanderlust whenever  I would go walking through a certain place and environment while holding my camera, which would validate my experience of being excited and with a sense of mystery in relation to what I would find to take photographs of, encapsulating the entire event as part of my own ‘mystical experiences’ that I generated within my mind throughout my life.

 

I realize that I am in fact separating myself from that which I see the moment that I create an energetic experience that I allowed myself to become addicted to whenever I am interacting with everything and everyone in my reality, in any given moment, and seek for ‘the perfect framing’ of it as a photograph in my mind, without realizing that this can only exist as a quirk that satisfies the personality that I created for myself as the ‘romantic observer of life.’

 

I realize how I am making more of something that I have literally separated myself from, that I am mental-i-zing it by ‘making it beautiful’ without actually considering the relationships that everything and everyone – including nature, the animal kingdom, the environment – are currently existing as in order to exist in a particular way, which is certainly not nice, not pretty and is rather abusive in all possible ways to create an experience out of anything that we See.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having become infatuated with creating experiences out of seeing a sunset, seeing a dead animal, seeing the seemingly ‘ugly’ and trying to make it ‘special’ which can only be an overall and full-circle mindfuck, as I am the one that is judging and creating/ making of them something ‘more’ than who I am here – as breath.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having desired to create a point of specialness within me as having this ‘particular way of looking at life’ and creating a ‘sensitivity’ toward it as a mind experience wherein I would feel excited and whimsical when being in an environment wherein I wanted to engulf reality into a two-dimensional picture in order to satisfy my desire to ‘own’ the picture that I see through my eyes, not realizing that this is in fact me wanting to ‘ponder’ it above everything else in this reality that I have separated myself from.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to reinforce this particular ‘view’ upon life which is creating an experience of excitement and bewilderment and acting in a whimsical way as to identify myself as ‘someone special that sees life with a different view’ which is what became props for my ‘artistic ego’ and that I used to reinforce the personality and idea of myself as being somewhat ‘gifted’ to be able to take photographs and show to others that which would be seemingly trivial for the majority of people.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and construct myself as the idea of someone that is ‘different’ and ‘special’ for being able to find ‘pleasure’ in the seemingly trivial instances in our reality, without realizing that such pleasure and bewilderment was created within my mind to reinforce the idea of me being ‘eccentric’ and ‘out of this world’ and ‘special’ by being able to see that which others seemed to overlook all the time.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop my personality as the ‘moment capturer’ to such an extent that it is able to drive myself to do anything possible to fulfill my obsession to capture a moment, wherein I completely miss the awareness of myself as my physical body, and become an energetic experience that seeks to be satisfied up until the moment of having it in my memory card, ready to be shared with ‘others’ to get the necessary confirmation that validates what I see as something ‘beautiful’ or ‘special’ or ‘great.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse what I see in the name of my own ego, which is how we have abused and depleted each other in this reality by getting an energetic experience from others in the name of our own pleasure and excitement and satisfaction, without realizing the actual nature of that which we see as ‘beautiful’ which is only a label that we have created in order to have something ‘ugly’ in this world. It is unacceptable to continue being life-taggers, in separation of everything and everyone that we interact with.

 

I realize that for me to continue stopping my participation in creating an experience out of seeing dead animals to take photographs of, I must stop my participation in the idea of me being able to find beauty where others see ‘morbidity’ and that whenever I see myself reacting/ creating an experience when encountering a dead animal or anything else that ‘captures my attention,’ I stop and I breathe – I bring myself back to the physical and do not allow myself to create an experience, a judgment and opinion upon that which I see. Instead I embrace it as myself, I amalgamate as my physical body to not distract me from keeping breathing, walking, doing and in that, stop the rush and seemingly uncontrollable desire to ‘capture the moment.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever experience resistance to let go of this idea of being ‘the artist’ that sees life in a ‘different and special way’ which is only part of the personality that I used to seclude myself from the Actual events and Actual reality that is existing here as suffering and continuous abuse, while indulging myself in these ‘fluffy’ experience that I dared to create out of that which would be usually deemed as ‘morbid’ or ‘macabre’ and in that,

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the experiences that I create within my mind out of that which trigger a point of preference and identification as the personality that I have built, existing with ‘particular preference’ that never considered that all that is here as life is me – one and equal – and that I can only ponder something and create an experience out something or someone if I exist in separation of myself, as-it as well.

I realize that the only moment that I exist is here as breath, and that taking photographs is a possibility for myself as long as I do not create an experience that enhances my self-definition as the perceived ‘specialness’ and ‘weird’ preferences that I created and enhanced throughout time in order to be ‘eccentric’ and ‘out of the ordinary’ by taking that which would be seemingly morbid and wanting to make it something beautiful

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having created a fascination with death to the extent of using the moment of breath as life here in order to create an energetic experience out of seeing a dead animal, that which is in decay, that which is rotten, that which is deconstructing. All aspects are points that I have used to define ‘who I am’ and ‘what I alike’ which is controlling the way that I see, judge, define and value the reality in separation of myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to defend my voyeuristic experience of the unconditional expression of life and the dead by saying that ‘I see beauty where others don’t’ lol which is quite a statement of the glorification of ‘the eye of the mind’ as being ‘beyond’ how others see reality, without realizing that I am the only one that is separating myself from that which I see through filtering reality with this romantic view on life and the physical reality that I am equal and one to.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a fascination out of that which I see, including that which would usually be terrifying like the shape and form of an atomic bomb, the gigantic waves of a tsunami, the smoke from explosions, fire burning down the woods, water flooding an entire city, tornadoes devastating areas, demolished buildings, old houses, death people on the highways, dead animals on the pavement and anything that resonates with death and destruction alike in a visual way.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually experience resistance when realizing that I must let go of this fascination for decay which is an aspect that many people experience, yet  we don’t dare to express that it actually ‘turns us on’ in a certain excitement and ‘sublimation’ when looking at it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever create a ‘pleasant experience’ out looking at something that is usually considered as repulsive when it comes to death and destruction.

 

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to overlook this experience within me because of deeming it as ‘not relevant’ to who I am, without realizing that it actually comprises my constant ‘state of being’ when I exist as the eye of the mind that seeks for these experience in every corner that I go looking at while walking and interacting in my reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to degrade a physical experience of myself here as life, into a mental experience within a mix of emotions and feelings wherein I am in fact separating myself from that which I see and make it ‘more’ than myself in that moment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seduce myself to take a picture of something from the starting point of an experience, instead of actually realizing that I can take pictures without having an entire personality and energetic experiences loaded while doing so.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value something as ‘special’ when it is usually not considered as such within the general terms and preference of a ‘majority,’ which implies that within these ‘particular’ and ‘bizarre’ and ‘weird’ preferences, I created a deliberate antagonism to that which is usually/ generally deemed as grotesque/ macabre and disturbing, which is part of the entire personality I created as a way to go ‘against the flow’ in means of separating myself from ‘the rest’ and ‘elevating’ myself to a point of specialness according to ‘how I see reality,’ without realizing that it is the exact same mindfuck as anyone else that seeks beauty, love and happiness. I would get a kick out of tragedy, death and destruction.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to enhance my energetic experience by using images of this reality as a point of ‘artistic stimulation’ which is usually called ‘inspiration’ which is just a preprogrammed piece that I separated myself from to be constantly creating a sense of ‘bewilderment’ about life and death, and every other phenomena in order to make it ‘more’ than myself, which can only exist as a mind experience within me.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to get ‘high’ on that which I see in my every day living when deeming it as beautiful and special and ‘great’ in the visual sense of my experience toward this reality.

 

I commit myself to stop all mental separation and experiences created from the mindfucks that I have accepted and allowed myself to create in the name of my own experience, singling myself out as in being able to create a pleasant visual experience out of that which would usually not be considered ‘pleasant to the view’ at all.

 

I realize that all of this is just part of what I have created within myself in order to keep me distracted and entertained in my mind, no different to anyone that solaces on love and light or gets intoxicated to experience ‘the world’ in a different way. I realize that I have done this every time that I accepted and allowed myself to shift the reality of the physical moment into a mental-experience of feelings and emotions within myself.

When and as I see myself being fascinated by the sight of a dead animal on the road, I stop and I breathe – I realize that it is only me and my desire to reinforce the idea of myself as ‘liking such sights of life/death’ as a preference that is activating the entire personality as the ‘lugubrious romantic,’ that I am in fact able to stop to not recreate an experience out of it and get a certain satisfaction from, without realizing that it is the ultimate egotistical creating of myself as ‘an observer’ and seeing myself as detached from that which I become fascinated by, which a form of vampirism that I have created while masking it in the name of art and beauty and ‘creativity.’

 

I realize that any experience or judgment that may come up at the moment for me having to realize what I have found pleasure on, is absolutely unnecessary – I forgive myself and I am able to let go of it, as I commit myself to simply stop all delusions in my mind projected onto that which I see as my physical reality.

 

I commit myself to stop all infatuation and fascination to that which I tend to become obsessed and completely ‘taken over’ in a single moment that I define that which I see in my every day living as something that I could ‘take a picture of,’ and completely forget about realizing that such desire to keep ‘memories’ is quite the function of the mind to continue reinforcing the definition of myself within a limited personality as ‘the artist’ with a particular ‘tastes in life.’

Wtf are ‘tastes in life’? Only layers of mental-delusions imposed onto life. Unacceptable.

 

I commit myself to realize that the only point I can allow myself to define as a creative experience, is not to become a voyeur of life, but become that which considers the actual relationships and reality of everything that I see ‘outside of myself’ and instead, look at how I have separated myself from that which I see and how I can become that which is able to manifest a world wherein expressions no longer drive our ‘human curiosity’ as a desire to make something ‘more’ than the rest by my own mind, but instead consider the actual expression that I am able to equalize myself-to when stopping the mind and simply allowing myself to be here as breath as I go seeing reality, regardless of how I have ‘tagged’ and categorized that which I see.

I continue the commitment that I’ve been walking in stopping the ‘visual vicious’ that I have accepted and allowed myself to become, and actually consider that creating an experience out of seeing dead animals is a preprogrammed fascination with ‘death’ that I accepted and allowed to drive my creative-expression with to reinforce an idea of myself as liking that which is ‘macabre,’ which is only abusing the same unconditional expression through categories as preferences I created within my own mind.

 

I commit myself to actually honor all life equally which begins by me stopping creating experiences from that which I see in separation of myself, and instead walk a process of integration – not separation – from that which I see to start considering how I exist as such expressions and how I am able to consider their actual experience as part of this reality, which is far more constructive in a best for all way, rather than solacing in experiences when looking at something.

 

To read further on other points I have walked as this particular personality suit check out the following blogs:

 

Vlog:

2008 Visual Vicious

 

And Adam’s blog: Getting Down from High

deadfrog
Dare to See  (2011)

 

Further support on Self Forgiveness:
Bernard Poolman: Day 3: Resistance to Change

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