Tag Archives: father

221. Insanity as a Fear turned into Fascination

Continuing with: 220. Drug Culture: Mad Society as a Lifestyle

First point: How did I come to link Drug Culture with Mad people as a point of fascination?

– Personal Story/ Characterization of the Black Sheep/Crazy person that supports Crazy People:

By Fascination I mean something that intrigues you, something that you cannot be certain of but containing ‘something’ that is mostly not broadly understood, acceptable, comprehensible, normal and having no ‘cure’ for it. And all of this formed part of all the various mysteries that I would always be fascinated to talk about, which is like a generational thing: all things occult, paranormal, mysterious, extraterrestrial, inexplicable events, myths and whatever it is that would cause me a point of Fascination as an energetic experience that I can describe as Adrenaline.  Where does adrenaline come from? Fear.

Yesterday I wrote that I didn’t quite know where this fascination comes from, so I got a perspective on how it was simply a point of Fear that I had turned into a fascination. I definitely see the point as there was an energetic movement that I realized I had to walk through first in order to be able to tell the story, walk the Self Forgiveness without holding onto the Experience that I imprinted on all these memories. Even the drawing I placed on yesterday’s post indicated the way to follow up: I fear going insane – which is a real thought in my mind that has existed at times and I bet that all human beings have had this thought at some point in their lives. To me such fear indicated how the moment I could not make sense of insanity, I turned it into a fascination, which is a very simple polarity mechanism of the mind to turn love into hate and vice versa, all for the sake of creating a relationship of conflict toward something/ someone. That insanity became what I realized would be linked to a sense of freedom – e.g. when I was a kid and ‘act all crazy’ and how I would have fun for causing a shock to my family, I mean this was quite a common way for me to behave, lol, and it was all because of the energetic experience. 

It was exactly a month ago that I began gathering information about this topic and so I got several points listed related to insanity/ drugs as a point of self definition. Therefore, this will be quite a ride since I can see a lot of the personality I had become was linked to this and may still be seeping through at times.

 

Hence this entire topic will be divided in two: Insanity and Drug Culture.

– I begin with insanity and my childhood years.

When I was a child, I would go into extreme temper tantrums, I’ve explained this before when talking about anger, getting possessed to the point wherein I would vibrate my whole body and I absolutely get till this day this chilling sensation on the left arm when recalling the energy and pain in the back of my head, occipital point right side. So, what comes up to mind is that when I would possess myself within these tantrums, I would mostly end up being alone in what was then my parent’s room and my mother would come in and be all angry at me for being throwing a tantrum,  I remember her eyes being absolutely wide open and then saying something along the lines of me being really crazy for being possessed with such anger/ in such tantrum. So, this word was connected to this shock that I would put myself into within this anger possession and her calling me crazy would only fuel this entire possession like a spiteful mode of ‘Oh you’re calling me crazy eh? well here we go, I’ll get as crazy as I can’ and so end up really just crying my heart out and feeling my body just go into this absolute energetic possession wherein I would feel every single part of my body going into a frenzy, anger in the utmost expression’ – I would only take this to a certain point because: I feared dying. Yes, I feared that my heart would stop and I would get a heart attack for tensing up my body that much, so I would only calm myself down out of guilt for what I realized I was doing to my body, I could feel what a draining experience it was for it and so I would stop out of regret, shame and feeling overall miserable and sad toward myself and ‘asking forgiveness’ to my body at the end, regretting the whole act, but not learning from it as I would then repeat the same some other times…  I would be alone when all of this would happen since my mother or father would mostly close the door after themselves whenever I was in such a state of possession. All of this I’m pretty sure would happen when I was 5, 6 or 7.  And this is as far as I can see I linked insanity with fear due to my anger possessions.

Later on whenever we would see ‘crazy people’ like vagrants on the street, my mother would take me by the hand and walk across the street or deliberately change our path/way to not go directly past the ‘crazy person.’ She was afraid of them and so I obviously picked up the fear toward them, ending up fearing being called crazy person, like them  – initially – which later on turned into the opposite point.

 

Another aspect is how whenever I would be exalted/ angry for any little thing in my world – listen to the short fused life review to listen to what I would mostly go through my life – my mother would have this joking-way of dealing with me and so she would start patting my back, caressing my back but she said something about such movement been done to ‘calm crazy people when going through an attack’ – and so I would then dislike her doing that because of her then doing it within the starting point of calling me ‘crazy’ and as such, being considered a ‘crazy person’ which I feared/ disliked. I took it absolutely personal and too serious so I would react to her in further anger whenever she tried to touch me again when I was angry.

The same situation would happen with my father, whenever he was absolutely angry and my mother would try and calm him down. What happens in this situation is that one is so possessed with anger that someone kind of making fun of your experience or ‘not taking it seriously’ = not ‘buying’ and in a way not supporting the mind’s tantrum, only fueled the anger because us in the mind is like ‘come on you have to get all fearful because I am Angry!’ – just like demons instigating deliberate fear around the people that are in the presence of a demon possession, which is what I’ve learned from the recent interviews by MyKey Demons in the Afterlife.  So, I essentially would do the same he did until my mother would not handle it and end up reacting in anger as well.  And so I would exacerbate the anger even further, until I would decide that I had been angry enough time for the day.

 

And so this ‘crazy’ person point became a relationship within myself toward my mother mostly wherein I would later on try and prove that I was ‘in fact’ crazy for liking, saying, doing the things I would do, which weren’t real shocking but always containing some form of instigation toward a reaction, as I would feed off from her reactions toward my actions, way of behaving, doing, living, preferences, etc. just the deliberate process of creating a point of conflict within her wherein I would get a kick out of ‘not following her ways’ and becoming that which I thought she feared me becoming.

Now things have changed obviously as I’ve walked my process and realized more and more how my relationship toward here was based on this antagonism to create a point of conflict within her and myself. Till this day she calls me loca as a nickname, which is only a remnant of everything that I lived out in order to seem outrageous for her/ my family, which is why I then went into finding out more about everything that was feared as insanity and drug addicts mostly. So, I essentially created a ‘fascination’ for some of the key aspects that I would hear my parents fearing: insanity and drug addicts as mentally instable people, as some sort of scum of society.

There you go, my antagonist/ rebellious character then formed according to creating a likeness/ being fascinated with that which was feared, being curious about that which you cannot understand, that which is not openly talked about – at least not at home or in y immediate environment – which were insanity and later on drugs.

 

This will continue.

 

Self Forgiveness on the First aspect of this entire point which is Insanity/ Craziness.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear going crazy when I was a child due to how I learned that insanity was something to be feared and that I could in fact end up being sent to a mental hospital, which would exist as a joke within my family of ‘dropping me at El Batán’ which became like similar to threatening me with the boogie man.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react in absolute fear literal petrification that one time that I was taking pictures around the pyramid in Cholula, and the mental hospital is right behind, and so as I was walking around, I heard a woman screaming ‘Let me out! Let me Out” and so her screams became this chilling experience of absolute fear within me, wherein I realized that I actually feared ever being in such a place that I had only ‘idealized’ from what one read in books or watches in movies.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to experience powerlessness toward ‘insane people,’ while feeling sorry for them being ‘locked up’ and at the same time fearing me being in such a place ever in my life.

 

I realize that I understand now why such type of absolute actual crazy people – not self-made crazy people, which is another story – were actually system-integration errors within the physical body, wherein the mind would not develop appropriately, leading to a physical development as ‘usual’ but the mind creating a point of instability/ malfunction leading to mental impairment or insanity – For further support to understand this which was actually a cool explanation to make sense of people with mental problems Life Review – A Child’s Mind in an Adult Body.

 

 

DSC00478_001
View from standing outside ‘El Batán’

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to keep this picture as ‘special’ because it was taken right after I heard that woman screaming ‘let me out’ and imprinting it as an entire memory that I recall as  a point of fear but at the same time linked to the entire emotional aspect that I had lived out within myself toward gloomy-looking trees and sunsets, making it a ‘perfect memory’ of fear, enjoyment and whatnot as a Mindfuckism example of that which I accepted and allowed myself to be defined by.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was in fact ‘fascinated’ with insanity and/or drugs, without realizing how it was only me creating a relationship of likeness/ preference/ desire toward that which I feared and learned to fear through the memories of my childhood and the reactions I would pick up on people as in fearing insane people, drug addicts and within that, not getting any further information as to ‘why’ they were crazy or why they would take drugs in the first place.

 

When and as I see myself believing that I am fascinated and curious by that which points out insanity or drug addictions, the inexplicable human behavior – I stop and I breathe – I realize that any point that I create a fascination toward is just a relationship of fear that I have built up based on knowledge and information and as such, I direct myself to breathe and equalize myself to that which I have built a ‘fascination’ toward, ensuring I stop all participation in any form of energetic experience that I have deemed as fascination –

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link ‘fascination’ to an energetic experience of extensive fear as adrenaline, as something that ‘I like’ which is not Me really liking such energetic experience as something ‘positive’ but it is who I am as the mind creating a relationship of fascination toward that which I could not understand and was feared instead. Which is how I developed later on fascinations toward the occult, mysteries, ghosts, spiritualism, dead people, and everything that would be usually ‘feared’ due to being labeled ‘insane’ or ‘abnormal’ and defining myself as ‘liking’ that which was not broadly acceptable.

 

When and as I see myself creating an energetic experience of adrenaline when participating with something/someone that I have considered as insane, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is me morphing the fear into a fascination thus I stop participating in fear and instead, equalize myself to the physicality of the moment here as breath to ensure I remain here as breath when interacting, reading, hearing, watching anything related to insanity.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that there was something ‘special’ in crazy people wherein I then thought that being crazy was an equivalent to being ‘sane’ in this mad world – crazy people being ‘more free’ and expressive from anything that was implanted as a point to be feared or not done in our society, which is how I would veer toward ‘craziness’ as only a desire to become that in a very moderated way, simply because of knowing that my parents feared crazy people and that crazy people were mostly relegated from society – and as such, me wanting to be ‘special’ in a way for being crazy as a form of positive experience and self definition in he mind.

 

When and as I see myself believing that crazy people were special in a way due to not abiding to the social norms and rules and as such, being ‘out of the programming’ in one way or another – I stop and I breathe – I realize that craziness/ insanity is a word that only points out what we have all been and participated within in our day to day living in this world, and that as such there has been no sanity that we could find within ourselves as humanity as a whole yet.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define people as ‘crazy’ based on what the medical societies would define a person was, which then became a pejorative word to call a person that would be dealing with any form of mental instability.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create my fascinations based on that which I knew would bother my mother, father and family in general, wherein I then veered to become the opposite of everything that I assessed they were ‘all about,’ and this being the beginning of me as the opposition/ rebellious/ antagonistic character that I later on became fascinated with as a point of energetic experience due to how I would identify with people that were insane or the fascination toward drugs as a sense of ‘freedom’ – hence linking ‘freedom’ to insanity/ drug cultures as everything that would be opposed to what I learned was prohibited, unspoken at home which was then ‘restriction/ fear’ linked to insanity and drug cultures among other perverse state of minds that were a taboo within society.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately want to ‘act crazy’ to instigate a point of friction and conflict within my mother, wanting to create some form of distress within her just for the sake of having the power to do so.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately shape, mold and create a personality based on everything which I thought and believed my mother would fear me liking/ becoming, in essence becoming everything that I knew would piss her off, just because ‘I could’ and just because I wanted to instill a point of conflict in her life as the actual evil point that exists within/ as myself as the mind that seeks conflict and friction to survive.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to want to blame my mother for all the fears that I acquired through her, not realizing that I was the one that accepted and allowed such fears to become part of my self definition, and that I continued acting upon them, later on using them as a way to become that which she feared as a point of ‘power’ over her, because of knowing that I could instigate fear within her for being/ becoming or liking things that she mostly would fear or reject. Again, this within the principle of me as the mind only seeking friction and conflict to be able to continue existing as the mind.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to grow up believing that I could understand what an insane people would feel like.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience ‘fascination’ toward the pictures that I saw – not long ago- in an exhibition of a public photography archive of La Castañeda, which was the most ‘famous’ mental hospital here in Mexico City, and these pictures were taken around the 50’s and creating an energetic experience while watching them of fear/ fascination as well as sadness and condescendence while watching these pictures of the people, the place and their drawings.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could deal with insane people easily just because of me apparently being able to ‘understand’ them, which is only me wanting to get close to that which I remember I had to fear/ stay away from while growing up in my family. Therefore

When and as I see myself believing that I am able to understand insane people – I stop and I breathe – I realize that ‘insane people’ can only exist as a definition of people in my mind according to a particular character that people have deliberately become in/as the mind, which is Not who the real being is – thus I ensure that I equalize myself to who and what the being really is in order to not look at the character they are representing and creating a point of empathy Toward the Character, but instead, assist and support myself to bring out/ equalize myself to the Being that is real, that is physically here as an equal. Within this also ensuring that I stop any form of condescendence as a projected victimization toward people that are being considered ‘insane’ nowadays, and believing that they require a ‘hand’ – not realizing that  as long as such beings are not directly deciding for themselves to support themselves first and foremost, I cannot possibly play the savior toward ‘them.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link the word ‘crazy/ loco’ with a pejorative way to call a person as well as a flattering word to be called as, wherein I had linked first ‘crazy/ loco’ with a reaction of fear that later on turned into a fascination, hence accepting and allowing myself to feel almost ‘flattered’ whenever my mother calls me ‘loca’ which means crazy woman, which is obviously only a nickname that I realize I had reacted to in a positive manner due to how I had defined crazy people as Free from the social conditioning that we are all a part of,  within this

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a point of ‘joy’ toward the deliberately/jokingly exaggerated automated actions that my father would do whenever he’s in a rush and doing things and getting everything ‘done’ as fast as he can, wherein he tends to act a bit aloof and ‘crazy’ which is an aspect I created a fondness toward, like saying ‘hey look that’s where I got it from’  – which is just a point of getting attention for behaving in a particular aloof manner, as a ‘joke’ or humoristic way of being.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a point of identification with my father for his ‘crazy ideas’ lol and as such believing that ‘I knew what  he would go through’ whenever my mother would bring him ‘back to Earth’ and I would take such action as a repression/ suppression, which was at times so – lol – but I then used it as a way to ‘team up’ against my mother and developing an entire personality that I have walked sufficiently on a mind construct which is now pretty clear how the fear/ antagonism toward my mother also carries the words ‘crazy’ as a relationship formed of me presenting traits that my father had, wherein I saw how she would react the same way toward me when I presented myself/ spoke in a ‘crazy way’ just to get a kick out of her reacting to our craziness.

 

Lol I remember when riding in the car and talking about aliens/ UFO’s and my father saying that he wanted to be alien abducted and how I would say ‘yes! yes! me too!’ and my father would continue rambling about that and saying how we would both go there and live with extraterrestrial beings etc. etc. and my mother would only say and repeat ‘you are both Really crazy’ and how we would fuel that point of friction and conflict more and more.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use ‘insanity’ as a fear instilling process toward my mother and any other person on the street whenever I want to create a point of conflict/ friction within them, and as such, deliberately doing acts wherein I would get a energetic kick out of doing that which was not ‘normal’ or that I considered wasn’t normal at the eyes of others, hence getting an experience out of ‘transcending’ my own fears toward insanity in the first place.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to copy my father’s mechanism of presenting himself as overtly ‘honest’ at times as a means to instigate a point of friction and conflict within my mother, wherein he would exaggerate things to blow them out of proportion so that my mother would react in a restrictive manner toward his behavior and hearing her say ‘(name of father’ you are really crazy’ – lol – and from there forming this condescending experience toward my father like ‘I know what you FEEL like, I’ve been there myself’ – not realizing that I am simply representing the exact same patterns he’s had throughout his life in both anger and a bit of aloofness which I had created as a mix of, precisely, fear and fascination in my mind like a fondness toward him due to what I would also experience within myself as what I perceived was similar to His experience.

 

When and as I see myself being fond of my father’s aloofness and tantrums, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this fondness that I have created toward him can only exist if I continue to see him only as that ‘craziness’ pattern that I became fond of due to standing as a point of friction and conflict that we could inflict within my mother and as such, creating an entire character about this particular experience of retaliating toward my mother due to the inherent friction and conflict I experienced toward her as ‘my mother’ and the corrective-person toward all my personal ‘treats’ that would give me an energetic kick, which was everything that she would judge and ‘go against’ throughout my life, not realizing that all those choices I made were essentially part of the character that I became to oppose everything she would see as acceptable, just to create and perpetuate a point of conflict within me/ my life and hers and call this ‘freedom/ rebelling against oppression’.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold this belief that my father would act aloof/ crazy as a deliberate way to instigate attention and conflict within others, which is nothing else but becoming a character in order to get some attention from others as a point of specialness/ outrageousness which is mostly considered as plain ‘crazy’ or ‘abnormal,’ which I equated to ‘freedom’ and ‘expression.’ From here creating the whole idea that I was a crazy person because I would not want to abide to social norms and I wanted to deliberately instigate a point of shock within people whenever I could as a way to gain attention, recognition, specialness, uniqueness, the ideal ‘free being’ type of expression which was all linked to this entire construct of initially having feared insanity, then using it as a way to instigate conflict in others which would give me an energetic experience in the mind that would confirm: I am a crazy person/ I am abnormal/ I am special/ I am misunderstood/ I do not fear breaking the rules – and all this ‘antagonist/ rebellious/ black sheep’ character that I became throughout my life in my family and environment in a very moderate way, but very ‘ingrained’ as ‘who I am.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an energetic experience of adrenaline whenever I would do something that was deliberately ‘outrageous’ just for the sake of triggering a reaction within Others – which points out how if I had no people around me to instill a reaction within, I would have mostly not played out these characters at all as there is no point in acting like that whenever I am alone – hence realizing that everything that I created of myself as a ‘crazy character’ was just a way to get attention, be opposed, step out of the rules, be perceived as free and expressive and mostly instigate a point of conflict within my mother.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having desired to keep this specific way of being that can be labeled as ‘crazy’ and a bit autistic at times when being alone or walking through the streets whenever I want to protect myself from any potential threat – due to being alone/ walking alone – and present myself in a particular way wherein I expect people to believe that I am crazy and that I am ‘not worthy’ of assaulting or robbing as in me being deranged or possibly dangerous toward them.

When and as I see myself going through the streets and wanting to deliberately present a physical expression of being a bit crazy or deranged with certain attitudes like looking at the wall or moving my hands or walking too fast or looking ‘aloof’ in order to protect myself, I stop and I breathe – I realize that these attitudes are stemming from fear – and as such, I direct myself to act, be here and walk as breath without participating in any point in my mind wherein a point of perceived threat is activated when and while walking.

 

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to not deliberately brush my hair when I had hair as a way to denote ‘look, I am crazy, do not get close’ lol – which became part of the entire eccentric personality later on linked to the artistic character that I’ve also walked within this process.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever look at ‘crazy people’ or even autistic people with a certain ‘fascination’ and trying to understand them/ support them somehow which was an entire experience of fear turned into adrenaline whenever this happened, which I equated as fascination, becoming only a mind fixation of sorts due to the fear that I actually experienced toward them and transforming that fear into a fascination which in no way is it in fact assisting and supporting myself and others to step out of our fears, prejudices and definitions toward one another as physical human beings and within this, supporting  ourselves to stop existing only as characters that we’ve become in the mind, and instead focus on supporting one another to become physical living beings.

 

I realize that all of this is knowledge and information that served only a single purpose: to limit myself within a particular energetic relationship and experience as the mind, instead of equalizing myself as the physicality that we all are as human beings. Thus

 

I commit myself to stop all self-definitions as an energetic imprint within me linked to insanity/ craziness/ aloofness that I have linked to a point of freedom and apparent ‘fascination’ within the understanding that it all stemmed out of fear and familial relationships linked to reactions in the mind. Thus, I equalize myself as the physical here wherein no definitions can exist as ‘who I am’ or ‘what I like’ – but simply assisting and supporting myself to be and become the actual living-being that I am and that stops energetic experiences toward words, pictures and memories that are related to the ‘insanity’-fascination character.

 

I commit myself to continue debunking this point of insanity as fear as a point of apparent ‘fascination’ as only one of the aspects that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become as a character in the mind, which is nothing else but an energetic self-definition that only feeds the entire personality of ‘who I am’ as the mind. Thus, I walk this process in order to stop any form of ‘minute’ experiences that I have linked to this particular character of insanity-fascination and support myself to equalize myself as breath, as the physical that I am in reality.

 

In the Equal Money System there will be education based on understanding how the mind functions, in order to be able to direct and educate all beings to correct any predisposition to veer toward the acting out of the mind instead of the physicality. The patterns will be able to be corrected as a physical process with specific support and assistance to also deal with anyone that may present any form of mental instability that could represent an actual threat to the community/ society.

 

Further support:

 

From the Book: 

Equal Money – Future of Money – Volume 1

 

Interviews:

 

Blogs:

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106. Abundance = Elitist Positive Experience

 

Creating a positive experience upon opening a cabinet with lots of food stored as a synonym of care and love by parents. This became a ‘trait’ in itself wherein my logic worked as follows: ‘because my father cares for us, he buys us lots of food and ensures we never run out of certain products, which is how he demonstrates that he is always thinking about what is best for us’ – Yet I never took into consideration if there were any other motives to do that, if there were other reasons such as scarcity or even lacking  enough money in the future wherein the excess of items in stock were more of a food bank for emergency situations. The reasons may vary, however one thing is certain: such positive experience can only be achieved if we have enough money to buy food and to buy More than is immediately required to consume.

This is how I debunk parental care to an opportunity that only a few can provide their children with, as well as seeing how in an Equal Money System world, there will be no need to create a positive experience and binding force between family members out of being able to provide with the necessary means to live, as this will be a given right for all.

 

Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider that having enough food in stock at home bought by my father is a synonym of care, wherein I have associated the fact that he always ensures to have enough food in stock as an efficient-point, a preventive type of personality trait that I associated as something positive, without realizing that having food in stock is actually stemming from the fear of not having enough food/ not having enough supplies in any given moment, which is how I learned how to be preventive out of fear only.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define my father’s efficiency according to ‘being able to always provide us food and never experiencing a lack of something,’ which is only a trait available and dependent on money itself – not the person.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a form of admiration and pride when being able to open up our food cabinet and always finding several milks in stock, which I then took as an example for me to follow, wherein having ‘more than enough’ is seen as a synonym of being ‘preventive’ and ‘efficient’ which is something that my father would take pride on, and that I accepted as a genuine point to consider implementing as myself, until I realize that the starting point of it was fear of ending up with no food/ supplies – and also it is to realize how such ‘food in stock’ can only be a reality if there is enough money to buy more than what is currently required – wherein every time that I would find out there is no more than 1 item in stock, I would associated it with being in any form of crisis or financial trouble, just because of how I got so used to seeing more than enough in our food cabinets as a positive experience, wherein the negative as ‘not seeing more than 1’ was immediately a ‘red flag’ as an indication that there was something wrong going on in our economy.

 

I realize that this is plainly an elitist type of association since a couple of billion people in this world cannot possibly even fathom what it would be like to acquire more food than the one required in the moment, nor would it be even possible to have money to do so on a regular basis – hence I see how I had lived in a small secured bubble wherein I took food for granted and as a synonym of care such as ‘my father cares for us because he brings food to the table,’ but never questioning why my father was able to do that, but many other beings in this world were simply not able to do that, as there are billions deliberately left out of the ‘world system loop’ wherein money is not something that they have any access to – hence food, shelter, clothing and basic services come to them only as a rarity just because of everything else being secured within a minority in this world which includes ourselves – and within that, it is to see how we even dare to create a positive experience out of having enough good in your storage/ food cabinet, without even stopping for a moment to see if every single being on Earth is equally capable and able to have access to feed their children properly, if they have access to money itself in order to buy food and anything else required to live.

 

Thus I see that all the values I have created within my life and throughout the interactions with our basic sustenance within this world system, have been based upon me taking for granted the ability to have money, the ability to buy food and even the ability to choose what to eat, which is a rather elitist move that is not readily given to all beings equally.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate having enough food in stock as ‘feeling secure and cared for’ wherein I would start mimicking this attitudes of having plenty in stock in order to feel secure and that I was caring for myself, not realizing this is essentially done in fear of ending up with no food in the moment, wherein buying milk became a compulsory act until I realized what I was doing and how in a very clear though in ‘the back of my head,’ there was fear of something suddenly emerging in our reality and me feeling secure because at least I would have something to eat.

 

I realize that there are billions that have no possibility to even have a regular access to food, nor can they even dream about being able to store food somewhere and many do not even have a place to live. Thus I see and realize how I have kept myself in this small bubble wherein I would only seek to satisfy my needs, and forget about the world, which is how we stand for the Equal Money System to ensure that all beings can be equally cared for, without having to fear running out of something, not having enough money to feed ourselves the next day and also stop all the relationships of specialness and authority that we have built toward other beings in order to secure our own survival, which is what has created this entire system of self interest covered up and justified with familial bonds in the name of ‘love’ and ‘care,’ when it is in fact just associations that work like investments wherein you are either a winner or a loser according to the amount of money you are able to have in this world-system game.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a positive experience of just seeing that no matter if I empty this cereal box, there is another one ready to be opened by me as ‘my father bought it to me because he cares for me’ which is how I developed this positive attitude toward my father based on his ability to provide food for us and pay for our education, which is an example of how money defines our relationships toward people, often polarizing such relationships if the other parent is not as supportive financially which was then considered in my mind as ‘not caring enough for me,’ simply because of not being contributing in a physical manner as money toward the household.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even at times get annoyed by me having to thank my father for everything he had bought us to eat and our personal care, wherein I would start backchatting the point of him sharing with us what he had bought us and how I judged him for boasting on what he had bought in order for us to feel ‘in debt’ with him, which was only my own backchat about it, never really considering what was enabling that entire scenario in the first place besides asking whether I was experiencing myself in a positive or negative manner.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate provision of food/ basic needs as ‘parental love and care,’ wherein I accepted the fact that I did not communicate that much with my father, but would always be physically supported by him with what I required to live- hence developing a positive attitude toward my father, which then turned into a polarity point in relation to how I would experience myself with my mother that would provide that point of communication but no financial support – hence me silently judging her as ‘less than’ because she would not contribute with money to our household.

 

Within this, I see, realize and understand how I went on creating my own value-systems according to what I deemed of value – such as products/ food/ personal care items/ education that I would get from my father, and how a point of interaction would be valued as also some type of asset that was ‘less worthy’ because there was no buying or consuming involved – which is how and why I had been brainwashed to only consider that which can be bought as something of value, just because of having to pay for such point of identification as self and it already indicating something more ‘challenging’ that I could call ‘love’ as I learned that in order to live = you must strive to make a living, and if someone cares enough for you = they will walk such a life-strive and bring food, which is what became a measuring point within me toward myself and as a future projection of how I wanted to lead my life: always having more than one and enough in stock in order to be secure and ‘feel cared for’/ provide care for others as well, without realizing it was mostly stemming out of fear.

 

 

Self Corrective Statements:

When and as I see myself feeling compelled to say ‘thank you’ to a repetition of items that have been bought in order to fulfill the character of ‘the provider’ within my father and myself; I stop and breathe – I realize that when I am compromising myself in any way, I must stop for a moment to assess what it is that I am in fact complying to as a positive experience that I am ‘grateful for,’ and how these seemingly positive reputation that we have and hold toward one based on complying each one’s positive character is the actual veil that does not allow ourselves to question such moments in the context of reality, but just comply to say ‘oh thank you!’ and feel cared for, loved and considered because of someone buying you food to eat, which is a relationship of convenience that can only exist as a form of control over others in order to become an authority over one’s life.

 

When and as I see myself associating having enough food in stock as something positive that I should be happy and feel that I am being cared for, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is only possible within the context of living in a family wherein there is enough money to buy food, to buy more than the necessary in order to keep it in stock as a preventive measure, without realizing that prevention in this case is only available because of money – thus realizing how we have separated ourselves from what is here to such an extent that our relationships our built according to how we are able to give to ourselves the necessary to live from the moment we emerge into this reality, which proves that we cannot possibly walk this system without understanding how our very ‘loved ones’ are in fact systematic positions that have ensured we as children learn ‘who the authority is’ based on the ability to provide the necessary food / resources to live and how whenever we do not get these basic points, we retaliate against parents or custodians and use such resentment as a way to victimize ourselves for not having proper support – when in fact such support should not be bound to a family-structure only, but as an individual process of self-support in self-honesty that we can externalize as an overall system of unconditional support such as the Equal Money system wherein no one will be bound to another to get access to the necessary resources to live, but will simply observe that everyone is getting enough to eat and live as a living right on Earth.

 

When and as I see myself creating a positive experience out of buying something, consuming or keeping in stock, I stop and I breathe – I first ensure that I am not buying such product out of fear but only as self-support and in moderate quantities wherein I can see that fear is not being the directive principle of my consumption habits, but is only common sensical according to the ability we have of going to as shop and buying more if required, without realizing how such ‘simple action’ is not an opportunity for billions on Earth.

 

When and as I see myself feeling compelled to say ‘thank you’ to my father or anyone else buying stuff for me, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am only wanting to create a point of thankfulness as an awareness of what I am being provided with, without realizing that such provision is only available for those with money and how then all the perceived ‘care’ and ‘love’ and ‘concern’ is in fact covering up all possible fears of not having enough food to feed the children, which is a rather practical point to consider, ensuring no fear, no backchat is existent within the acquisition of such products being only a habit and a paternal-pattern that I had created as a point to emulate for myself in my life, as I see and realize how I had created such a positive attitude out of getting all these products for us to consume and eat, which was to me like a synonym of love and care.

 

When and as I see myself seeing food in stock as a positive thing in my reality, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is only able to exist if we have enough money to do so, thus I support myself to make of such experience of being cared for not something bound to parents and money, but a living certainty, a living right that is able to be provided for all beings equally which is how and why in the equal money system, though parents receiving unconditional financial support, there will be more time to educate themselves to become parents and as such ensure that no emotional/ feeling bounds are created from the role that has been taken of the parents as ‘providers of life,’ but instead walk as equals with children only ensuring that proper nutrition, proper care and physical considerations are implemented in the living space, once that money is no longer a limitation for the being to have a dignified living, and how it is important to allow parents to see how a child is not a load to the parent, but only an extension of self that can be equally walked-with as the realization that we can support each other to Live instead of living to build each other’s ego and system-status as parents/ children in hierarchical levels.

 

I see and realize how money has determined my positive experience toward my parents – and my father specifically – in relation to being able to provide the necessary means and education for me to have a dignified living –whereas if I had not been supported with these things, I would have had a negative experience, which proves how money determines even our familial interactions and relationships as no being is currently an alien to how the world system works in terms of having money or not to live

 

I commit myself to establish the Equal Money System as a means to ensure that no being is bound to another through a monetary-binding force creating a dependence toward one another in a hierarchical mode – but instead, all beings being equally supported learn what it is that we can actually get to recognize and appreciate of one another out of the monetary loop, but instead consider how we can support each other to develop better ways to live and interact in a world wherein survival is no longer a “living-mode” but life and living is the point then explored, shaped and sculpted as we go learning how to be parents, children and inhabitants in the world where equality is the living principle, which in itself points out major shifts in how families currently exist and are bound as. Parents will become living examples of what we are here to be and do instead of becoming the bosses of children dictating their every word and every say through the imposition of authority as a relationship of need through and by money as it currently exists.

 

Support the Equal Money System as this is the only way that we will ensure each other are no longer subject to have a positive or negative life experience with regards to money, but money is instead a given-living-right, leaving enough time to focus on our living skills, communication abilities and the development of human expression as a means to ensure that no being is left behind in their ability to live and express in/ as their utmost potential, as this is what we see and realize is what’s best for all in Equality.

And Educate yourself at Desteni to understand how in an equal world, no parental figure will be able to continue passing on manipulation tactics and hierarchical roles onto children, as the only thing that will exist is equal consideration of one another in a world wherein the basic needs will be readily given, and what will be developed is the ability to interact, express and live as equals.

 

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105. Having a Good Time is defined by MONEY


104. Anger Intimidation in Communication

 
This point is exploring how our ability to communicate is influenced when and as we are in the presence of a person that is clearly possessed by anger and/or in a bad mood, wherein we then mirror the person’s experience as if it was our own and take ‘our position’ within the game/ situation, playing out a character that will most likely in our minds lead us to believe that we were the ones to blame/ we were the cause of the problem, as that ensues a process of becoming the ‘victim’ of another’s mood/ mind possession in order to remain in a ‘good stand’ within our mind, justifying why we didn’t speak up and remain constant and consistent within our application to not participate in any form of emotional blackmail, but instead lead the moment with communicating here as breath, ensuring that we present a solution to the situation/ problem instead of becoming part of the problem by reacting in an emotional manner toward another’s experience.

 

Here I describe a memory of being in the kitchen with my mother and my father getting home to have lunch – the moment I would realize he was in a ‘bad mood,’ I would immediately go into fear and petrification, not wanting to be the ‘target’ of his anger by picking on anything he could to complain about me in any way – this means, taking it personal and becoming influenced by another’s mind possession/ mood in the form of anger in this case.

In such event I eventually spoke to get what I wanted, after having feared speaking and trying to find the ‘right moment to interject,’ while being consumed with anxiety and fear – hence the correction will unfold to point out how the moment we ‘mirror’ another’s experience = we become part of the mind-game and as such, we miss our ability to be self-directive no matter what.

We are able to support another by not participating in their mind-game/ not playing the victim and or try and ‘fight their possession,’ but instead remain here in constancy and consistency in and as breath, creating and establishing solutions instead of adding up to the list of retaliation and further grudge-creation over time.

 

Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condition my entire communication with another based on the mood they are presenting in the moment, wherein if they are in an angry mode, I would go into immediate fear and quietness in order to not disturb the angry person further, which is how I wrought this idea of myself as being a nuisance because of being the blank in my mind of ‘the angry person exerting it all out on me,’ which is part of how I have manipulated myself throughout my life to not take responsibility for my own suppression and hesitation to express and be self directive – but instead would allow me to simply be a victim of the situation and using it as a form of self pity in order to feel like I had been ‘wronged’ by others, when in fact it was only we reacting to someone else’s anger and fearing anger itself as something that is more than me in the moment, playing the ‘victimized’ character that ‘bears’ the angry person.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become the experience that others are presenting in a moment in my reality, such as if a person was angry or depressed, I would go into self suppressed anger and depression as well, which is how I would immediately give into the character presented in front of me instead of ever standing up in the moment and realizing that I do not have to participate in the same emotional game, but can instead be and remain self-directive at all times with and as myself, understanding that if others exert their anger onto others, it is not to be taken personal, but rather see what is being said and establish a practical solution for the point of irritation, realizing that anger and any other emotion will not change in any way the reality and the points that are being faced in the moment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go immediately go into tension the moment that I perceive that my father is angry and that I am ‘on his way’ which means that I can be yelled at for being a nuisance/ an obstacle on his way, which is a metaphorical way to also see how I have played out the pattern of when and as facing the anger/ bad mood of another, I would go into immediate submission and fear instead of standing up in the moment and not allowing myself to be affected by it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in sarcasm with my mother about my father’s mood which became a way to speak out the backchat that would in a way ‘smooth out the moment’ as the actual tension that I would experience when having to be in the presence of my father being angry, as well as the projection I’d made toward my mother of being equally tense, but smoothing it out with jokes/ sarcasm as to make ourselves above the situation, when in fact within doing so, we were giving actual ‘power to it’ fully and completely.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to participate in sarcasm whenever I see myself facing an uncomfortable situation such as facing someone’s anger, which is a pattern that I have copied from my mother from the situations and moments when we would ‘make fun’ of my father’s hissy fits and laugh about it, which would make him even more angry and silent, which is how I came to fear silence because of not knowing if he would just explode in any given moment or not – yet laughed about the sarcasm as a way to cope with the actual stress and tension in the moment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into ‘quiet mode’ and not communicating at all with my father when and I would perceive and see that he is absolutely angry / in a bad mood, which would make me ‘afraid’ of even speaking to him just because of not wanting to be cursed at or yelled at or replied in some angry manner, because of knowing how when he’d be angry, he’s use any point as any ‘flaw’ within me in order to exert his anger onto everyone around him – hence I would keep quiet.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a point of fear and petrification whenever my father was angry at lunch time, because that would mean that any thing that I required to ask him – such as money to buy books/ things I required for school – would be received as a ‘give me give me’ attitude that I knew would be replied with an angry negative answer to my request.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to from the fear of asking something to my father, I would remain instead quiet building up the tension and anxiety doubting every single moment whether I’d be courageous enough to speak to him or not, which would consume my very moment instead of ever considering breathing and simply speaking out, not taking it personal if he did eventually exert his anger onto me.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had to ‘find the right moment to interject,’ without realizing that there were Not going to be any ‘right moment,’ as all such moment was simply going to remain in a tense status quo that I simply had to break-through in the moment by actually voicing myself and my request toward him.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define my entire beingness according to being in the presence of an angry person, such as my father, and as such mimic the person’s experience and make it my own, wherein I then became just a supporter of the mind possession by actually fearing to interact with another that is and was clearly mind possessed in anger and frustration.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to whenever I felt ‘helpless’ within a situation, turn to my mother for answers, simply because I could not see myself as having equal authority toward myself and my own life, wherein I wanted her to ‘soothe out’ the moment with my father instead of me simply directing my request to him and talking without any fear about what I required in that moment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to decide to remain silent and quiet whenever there was a situation of ‘anger’ within another, which is how I became submissive toward people that would go into anger with great ease, simply because of fearing that such anger would be exerted toward me with ‘rough words’ that I would immediately react to in sadness and anger within myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into guilt whenever I had to ask my father for money when I knew that he had not have a good day at work, because that would make me feel like a nuisance that had to be ‘paid for,’ and as such remaining quiet and not wanting to complain and be as ‘cooperative’ as possible by going into absolute silence and conforming to not speak – which I would only breakthrough if the need was absolutely necessary in that moment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like a load toward my father, and believing that because I was asking him for money I was in fact adding myself up to his ‘problems,’ which I used as a a justification and excuse to think and believe that it would be better for me to not exist/ not wanting others to spend money on my living, which is a pattern that I took as a form of ‘austerity’ in a self-deprecating way.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself in everything I would do simply because of the fear of not wanting to be an economical nuisance to my father since I was a child, thus becoming overtly self-conscious about my expenses and being extremely aware of how to spend my money and handling it with fear as if it was ‘more’ than myself, simply because of how I would see that the lack of money would create a lot of stress in my father, and I simply didn’t’ want to be part of the problem – thus I would refrain and abstain myself from asking more than whatever I really needed, which I didn’t take in common sense but as a form of repression and fear, which became my relationship toward money and the relationship toward my father as the ‘financial supporter’ in my life.

 

 

Self Corrective Statements:

When and as I see myself going into suppression because of how I perceive another to be angry or in a bad mood and ready to burst it out onto others, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I do not have to mimic another’s mind possession but instead direct myself to communicate here as breath if it is ultimately necessary to speak and as such, be able to support another indirectly to see that there is no point in keeping oneself in anger as there can be no solutions in anger to solve/ fix that which one is angry about

 

When and as I see myself deciding not to speak to another due to how I see they are mind possessed in anger, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this decision is being made out of fear of being shouted/ yelled at which is just a point of fear that I created for myself in order to stand then as a victim, which was getting into another character to not face the fact that I had in fact become another’s emotional reaction as well- thus I support myself to speak whenever I require to do so, not giving more ‘power away’ to the person that is angry, but directing myself in common sense at all times, as I see that within me stopping playing out the counter act character, I am in fact assisting and supporting another/ others to see that it is unnecessary to react in anger if there is an actual solution that can be walked and implemented by all participants in common sense.

 

When and as I see myself taking another’s anger as something personal/ directed toward me, I stop and I breathe – I realize that all emotions and feelings are in fact self created – thus it is always about the creator and their responsibility over their own experiences, which is then how I realize that in no way do I have to ‘follow the game’ of anger and emotional blackmail in order to conduct a particular situation as that only leads to further character creation.

 

Therefore, I assist myself to simply speak and communicate as usual and not give into another’s negative expression/ reactions in the moment.

 

When and as I see myself immediately going into a physical tension and self-suppression when facing someone that is angry, I stop and I breathe, I realize that in me reacting physically toward another’s mood/ anger in this case is just supporting the character and in no way enabling the other person to actually see the character for what it is and eventually, step out of the possession if they are willing to take responsibility for themselves as I take responsibility for me not acting-along with the moody character

 

When and as I see myself going into victimization according to how I have believed and perceived that I am ‘standing on someone’s feet’ as in being a nuisance, an obstacle or plain annoying in another’s presence while and during their mind possession I stop and I breathe – I realize that any form of suppression I would use as a way to then justify my own self-victimization and further spitefulness toward those that I had victimized myself from – therefore I see and realize that there is no point in participating in anger and sadness and further fear with others possessed by such emotions, but instead direct me to keep my application practical at all times without following an emotional drift toward it.

 

When and as I see myself being sarcastic about another’s angry mood as a means to smooth the tension and self-suppression, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I would do this in order to feel good about myself, as if I was ‘over the anger’ by being able to make fun of it, without realizing that in this I simply developed yet another character in order to cope with others and their reality of becoming absolutely angry/ pissed off in a given moment.

 

When and as I see myself fearing to speak and communicate out fear of making another even more angry or ‘blowing things up,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that within me fearing, I give absolute space for another’s mind possession to fully take place as I am then suppressing me and becoming ‘the victim’ that will then find ways to ‘out do’ such repression, which can only come as just another form of abuse wherein life is still not considered, because the moment we allow ourselves to carry anger as a constant experience within ourselves and toward others, we can only expect such anger to consume the being until the being is no more, as the being can only continue if taking responsibility for the words being said and communicated.

 

When and as I see myself conditioning my expression based on how I perceive another’s mood in the moment, I stop and I breathe – I realize that the moment I refrain and suppress myself from expressing based on ‘how I perceive them’ in the moment is me only giving into the character play outs that support each other in order to maintain a point of conflict with no solution, instead of actually being a point of support and example of how it is perfectly possible to solve a problem and situation by giving it proper direction in common sense, instead of becoming another player in the game – this implies at all times sticking to common sense and practical solutions to show and reveal how no anger will make any difference to a situation or event that requires a solution, but that it is only through stopping the emotional reaction that one can in fact establish practical directions to walk and create solutions to the problems.

 

When and as I see myself trying to find the ‘right moment to interject’ in a communication, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is another excuse to remain in the victimized state wherein I believe that another must ‘give me the right moment to speak,’ which is allowing another’s possession and character to be ‘more’ than myself in any given moment/ situation. Thus I direct myself to speak and communicate in the moment whatever I require to say as I make the space for myself to be heard in the moment – within this I also see and realize that I am able to be indirectly supporting another to see how throwing tantrums, getting angry and being irritated/ in a bad mood does not solve any situation and that it all can instead be walked in a normal chat wherein solutions can be practically established and placed into action.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to give up a point of communication due to fearing that someone will exert their anger on me, I stop and I breathe – I realize that within me suppressing and ‘saving my expression for later’ is an act of giving into the mind and the fear experienced to communicate with someone that is anger, in fear of being the target of such extreme anger which is just another excuse used to not stand up in the moment and make myself heard and be clear and direct within the point of communication that is absolutely possible breath by breath and not giving into any form of emotional blackmail through the ‘possessed in anger’ person.

 

When and as I see myself feeling ‘helpless’ in a situation wherein I am in the presence of a person that is possessed in anger or in a bad mood, I stop and I breathe – I realize that me deciding not to speak or hesitate in my expression is accepting another’s possession as real and such, I become part of the game wherein the one in anger has the most ‘positive experience’ as an ability to control the environment over those that only usually ‘react’ in fear toward such anger – which implies that within me stopping existing as anger when participating with a person that is angry or in a bad mood, I allow myself to become part of the solution in the moment wherein words, communication in common sense is able to be expressed without the requirement of any emotional or feeling input.

 

When and as I see myself victimizing myself toward others based on them being ‘angry’ and seeing myself indirectly as the cause of such anger, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is part of the self-victimization pattern that I have played out wherein I could simply play the victim in order to not have to actually stand up and direct myself to speak and communicate – but instead remain in a subservient mode toward another in order to apparently ‘not cause any further problems,’ without realizing that all problems have a beginning and an end within ourselves, as ourselves. Thus I stop playing out the same pattern and direct myself to see how I can direct the point in simplicity and common sense, presenting solutions at all times instead of reacting and adding myself up to ‘the problematic situation’ perceived and played out only by characters in the moment.

 

When and as I see myself creating a relationship of fear toward money and fearing making others angry because of the amount of money spent on me, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is the victimization character wherein I would give into being the ‘oppressed’ and ‘victim’ in order to not actually take self responsibility for myself and do what is required to support me effectively, which is how any form of possession can instead be called out, communicated in common sense and establish proper communication, instead of numbing and covering up such communication with anger and hissy fits that support no one.

 

I commit myself to always establish myself as the voice that is able to point out common sense and give practical solutions without participating in any emotional or feeling reaction in any given situation, as this is the type of stability and common sense that is required to embody at all times in a world where conflict is and has been that which feeds ourselves as minds submerged in conflict and problems, which is how when and as presenting solutions as ourselves, we start taking responsibility for our own experiences and actions to see how it is possible to in fact live in a completely new way wherein we are in fact supporting each other to become more effective in our day to day living, instead of just reacting about it and blowing a problem out of proportion as it usually goes on in the mind.

 

Thus I stop all mirror neuron activity of becoming empathic about another’s mood and as such, commit myself to remain here as breath as the sanity required in a world of madness, which begins and stops within myself.

 

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102: Communication Noise: Parental Communication

Within looking at specific examples of how I would turn a moment of interaction/ communication with others, I can see how the positive and negative experiences that I have held toward people have been based upon whether the communication was suiting a particular preference/ ideal of a ‘good time’ or not.

The communication that goes on with our parents –or the lack thereof – defines one big chunk of our lives in relation to how we then perceive communication to be either a positive or a negative experience, which involves a set of factors that have to be clarified in order to see how much of our expression is actually tainted and conditioned by factors that go beyond a sheer compatibility aspect – but involve familial, economic, social and cultural standards that are shaped according to ‘how reality works’ within this world system.

 

A point I’ll be walking is a particular way of communicating with my father with whom I spent less time with throughout my life in terms of engaging in conversations and having only specific moments/ events as patterns that repeated throughout our interaction when I was living with them at home.

 

Thus, within exposing the factors behind our communication the point is to see how the way we define a person in our reality is based on the bonds that are formed with them according to, in this case, familial bonds wherein the financial aspect of support is/ was dependent on.

 

Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate the communication with my father in the car as usual/ routinely and filled with complains, wherein I know that he will agree with me because of him being similar to myself which is how I have defined communication according to a format-like questionnaire based on survival-questions that lead to short answers that ensure we simply communicate ‘what’s necessary’ and avoid talking anything out of the usual: money, weather, traffic, work and school.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel obliged to react positively to his question about me getting enough money to live throughout the week, which is how and why I would keep the communication in ‘good stand’ as this will ensure that I can continue getting his support as in being a ‘good daughter’ that is able to have a cordial relationship with their parents.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react negatively toward him ‘always asking the same questions’ wherein I am only wanting to have things ‘go my way’ in communication, while being annoyed because of having to explain myself and answering the same questions over and over again, apparently, which wasn’t really so as I was really only making a big deal out of it in my mind as unnecessary friction and conflict by sticking to the same pattern I would complain about, without realizing that I am in fact able and capable of stepping out of the usual script and establish a real point of communication with another, regardless of ‘who they are’ in my world.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to initiate communication with my father based on experiencing a sense of tension and discomfort within myself, which is how I have compromised my communication toward others wherein I place them as certain characters that I depend on to survive and as such, I act according to how I have judged the characters as a ‘necessity’ in my reality – which is how I created my own barriers to ever communicate with my father/ parents based on an equal and one relationship, as I always saw them as the ‘authority’ that I had to respect and keep a ‘good standard’ toward, just like a credit account relationship: you keep your account in ‘good standing’ in order to be able to get more credit/ be trust worthy in order to continue surviving in our world and reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this point of compromise within myself which adds up to all the relationships in our world that are based on self-interest and in sustaining the same world-system wherein because of money and the relationships that are required in order to survive- in this case family-structure – we compromise each other to deceive and manipulate in order to continue being supported and ‘secured’ in a world wherein that which is required to live is not given unconditionally.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get uncomfortable within remaining silent when being with another being in a car, which I have associated this with previous experiences wherein I would fear ending up in silence due to experiencing the same discomfort about it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because we remained in silence I had to keep up a conversation out of fear of having ‘nothing to say’ and that I would be judged for having ‘nothing to say,’ which was only a belief and perception as I in fact am able to establish a point of communication openly once that I start seeing ‘my parent’s as human beings that are able to communicate out of the format-like bounds of father/ mother characterization.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into self judgment because of wishing I could have done something out of the routine to tell to another in means of creating a point of conversation, which is essentially a point of compromise out of fear of being seemingly ‘detached’ from the family/ not caring about them and as such, losing my father’s support to live.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use music as a positive solution in ‘tense situations’ wherein my decision to enjoy it or not would be based on whether I was feeling compromised in the moment or not in a moment of communication that I perceive being staged and ‘format like’ from the get go.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base an entire moment in my reality based on whether I was liking a particular type of music in order to define ‘who I will be’ within the communication according to whether I wanted to be complacent/ talkative or not – within this I realize how I would place conditions as to ‘who I am’ according to my own interests and suiting the moment to benefit me at all times.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate ‘formal communication’ as politeness that I was ‘forced to’ instead of it being my actual decision to interact with visitors at home, wherein I would immediately react with discomfort when being called out to interact with others, without realizing that in fact it was fear of being later on scolded if I didn’t comply to my mother’s desires.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a grudge toward my mother for ‘having forced me to do things,’ without realizing that the moment that I accepted fear as a motivation to do so, I complied to her will and as such became a victim in my mind based on how I feared making my mother angry = losing my mother’s support at home.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the interaction with visitors as a negative experience based on my starting point for such interaction in the first place, wherein I went into a defense-mode just because of believing and perceiving that I was being ‘dragged’ into the communication without me in fact wanting and/ or being fully willing myself to interact with others unconditionally, but did it based on feeling obliged to, which is why and how I would create and project thoughts about others’ experience toward the point of communication with myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a negative experience toward my mother whenever visitors would come home because of remembering how I was always forced to go downstairs and interact ‘against my will,’ without realizing that I simply complied to participate every time out of fear, out of not wanting to be scolded and/ or exposed in front of the visitors as this ‘ranch person’ that does not like communicating with others.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then judge silence as a positive experience with my partners in the past based on the memory of how irritated and angry I would get when having to interact in ‘forced communication’ with others, without realizing that such enjoyment was a polarity experience to the past – hence it wasn’t never really a positive experience, but only a counter part to a negative experience I’ve had in the past with my family members.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having chosen partners that were deliberately the type of opposite ‘stereotypes’ from the people that I knew my mother wanted me to end up with in a relationship, which became a spiteful pattern that had to be played out in secret, just because of how my mother would disapprove from the partners I had, which was both a negative experience for having to be hiding – a positive experience based on how I would feel like I was finally ‘rebelling’ to the obliged experiences I went through with my mother, without realizing that I was then only acting and making decisions in spitefulness toward my mother and never in fact making an informed decision based on what is best for me to be and do within the consideration with whom it is best for me to establish a relationship with, without holding on the anti-stereotype of ideal partner in order to annoy my mother as I have realized how within wanting to spite my mother = I only ended up spiting myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately play ‘the silent one’ when being out with my mother just because of knowing how she would always push me to communicate with people and enjoys talking, generally, which was who I was within the ‘rebellious character’ that held a huge grudge toward her because of not having ‘approved’ of the relationships I created in my life. Thus I became the ‘rebel’ just to prove her that I could do things ‘my way’ without requiring her permission, only later on realizing that because my starting point of such relationships was based on spitefulness = I ended up spiting myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a point of ‘positive experience’ whenever I was able to establish communication with my father in a silent manner, which means for example: being able to ride in the car listening to music that we both liked, which would ensure a positive silent experience without realizing that in such moment, I was only keeping things ‘okay’ in order for us to not go into further points of communication that could turn out more insidious in terms of actually getting to know each other and as such, lose the ground of the format like communication between father and daughter

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately control a particular moment of interaction with another based on ‘who they are’ within my world as the character they represent in my reality, wherein I will then adjust, manipulate, shape and mold my expression in a way to ensure that my survival is not threatened, as I knew that if I presented myself as detached or even sharing myself too openly, I would have to take responsibility for my words and the consequences thereof.

 

Self Corrective Statements:

When and as I see myself deciding ‘who I will be’ in a point of communication according to who I perceive the other being to be as a particular character within my life/environment – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am able to practically establish a point of communication to any other being based on common sense: the realization that we are human beings that live in the same world, facing the same consequences of our creation and as such, I see that communication in common sense as self support is the key to establish a point of awareness within myself and another of an actual way to interact and share that which is usually suppressed under shallow talk.

 

I commit myself to be and become the example of how communication can be established without holding any ‘character’ in place, but instead, establish a platform of self support for myself and another being regardless of ‘who the being is’ as I realize that the moment that I assess ‘who’ they are, limitations, barriers and obstacles are created in the mind according to what I have deemed as appropriate/ inappropriate to share with others. I establish myself as the point of unconditional expression in order to support myself and others to do the same and as such, practically change the way we interact with one another.

 

When and as I see myself manipulating my communication in order to get a positive experience and/ or remain in a ‘good stand’ toward the other person, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am able to in fact step out of the point of compromise through allowing myself to share and communicate openly, without fearing losing any form of support, as I realize that only a threat toward another could cause any form of conflict – thus I realize that any fear that I had used in the past in order to not communicate with people in my family was only based on the ‘fear’ of ‘who I am’ toward them, which was manipulating, shaping and molding myself in order to not step out of character completely.

 

When and as I see myself deciding ‘who I am’ in a point of interaction with another based on wanting to be agreeable or distant in the moment to demonstrate my standing toward another being in that moment, I stop and I breathe – I realize that the times that I remain quiet as self-suppression means that I am in fact not genuinely having ‘nothing to say,’ but that I am deliberately suppressing myself because of fear of exposing myself, fear of establishing communication with another ‘out of the usual script,’ which is how I had bound myself to remain as a locked-door at all times, simply because of believing that my very life would be ‘at risk’ if I would enable me to be open and sharing in an equal manner toward other beings.

 

When and as I see myself experiencing tension when remaining silent during a conversation, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is not real silence then, but self-suppressive silence that I can open up for myself in order to see how and why I have manipulated myself and within that realize that the point of correction is not to remain silent out of fear or deliberate self-suppression, but is instead direct myself to speak in the moment according to that which emerges in common sense from within me that I find it cool to share in/as self support.

 

When and as I see myself deliberately hiding to not face people in my environment in order to avoid communication, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I have created such a resistance based on the idea, belief and perception that ‘I must interact with them,’ which is stemming from the memory of my mother asking me to do this when I was a child.

 

When and as I see myself feeling compelled to speak, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is a usual mechanism of self-manipulation wherein I am in fact not being self directive as in making the decision to live, but I am in fact only wanting to restrict myself to a certain type of communication with another from the starting point of reaction.

 

When and as I see myself being forced/ dragged along to communicate – I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is a mechanism wherein I am only manipulating myself to interact with others based on the belief that ‘others made me do it,’ as if I had not the voice and ability to decide who I am going to be communicating with and clearing the starting point of it at all times.

 

When and as I see myself categorizing silence as a form of communication based on having suppressed an actual point of expression in fear of ‘getting out of character,’ I stop and I breath, I realize that the point of enjoyment of such silence stems from us actually playing out the same ‘silent character’ wherein we only talk the necessary and prefer to ‘be silent in our minds’ instead of sharing our self-experience, our day today living circumstances, as I realize that communication is the key to get to know ourselves and others in order to become effective within all that we do.

 

When and as I see myself imprinting a particular character to my communication, such as being the ‘daughter,’ or being the ‘rebellious’ one, I stop and I breathe – I realize that who we are as human beings are able to care for one another without having to play a character in someone’s mind in order to exist.

 

This is to realize how instead of having allowed myself to communicate myself unconditionally, I simply became pliable and manipulated myself in order to ensure that my survival – in this case financial support by my father – was not able to be disturbed/ damaged if I would establish a point of communication in equality, because of an underlying fear and limitation wherein I believed that I could not possibly communicate in equality with my father, because of having placed him as ‘my authority’ and as such, I had to tip toe around our communication, keeping it ‘safe’ in order to not create any ‘unnecessary’ friction or conflict, without realizing that in this I simply refrained myself from being able to establish a point of equality with my father which is in fact a possibility to establish once that I have directed myself to talk to both of them as equals, outside of the father/ mother relationship I had caged them into.

 

I realize how communication is limited and restricted by oneself whenever there are other interests and familial aspects existing as a character limitation that is defined according to how we have built our societal hierarchies between parents and children, wherein we bind ourselves to only see another person as a character in our own life-schemes instead of considering them as one and equal.

 

I see, realize and understand that we will be able to in fact communicate as equals when and as we realize that the family system only exists as another form of compromise and enslavement to keep a system of hierarchy in place – therefore within establishing beings in an equal and one stance toward one another, we see that we are in fact able to become much more than just characters surviving each other in the old-familiar ways and instead, get to know ourselves as who we really are, as beings that are able to instead practically establish solutions for our accepted and allowed ‘differences’ and as such, become part of the new way of living on Earth.

 

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88. The Victim

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become a victim of my own deeds, wherein I would suit the memory to my advantage so that I could remain in anger toward my parents for something that they had ‘apparently done onto me,’ – such as forgetting about me and me getting lost – without wanting to hear the fact that I had been the one that wanted to step out of the cart and drive it by myself.

 

Within this, I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to throughout my life find ways to ensure that I could remain as the victim of a situation/ event wherein I could then have people having to ‘ask forgiveness’ to me, and me being the ‘offended one,’ as that would give me a sensation/ feeling and idea of power over them.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use all means possible to convince my parents that ‘I can do this on my own’ and have various memories of how I would essentially get pissed off when they would do things for me and would not allow me to do it by myself, just because of how I wanted to ‘do things by myself, ‘ from the starting point of opposing my parents and creating any form of friction in the moment by just demanding them to leave ‘the thing alone’ and allow me to do it by myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ‘threaten’ with throwing a tantrum toward my parents so that they could allow me to do things that I noticed other kids were not doing, and in this wanting to be ‘special’ such as being a kid that enjoys pushing the cart instead of being inside the cart.

 

And it’s funny because a memory came up when I was in SA and we had the trolleys from the supermarket and I was pushing one and B said something like you look good pushing the trolley, lol which I associated in that moment with a sense of ‘independence’ and like ‘I’m on the wheel,’ which is fascinating that I only now get it – after such a long time, I had this memory so ingrained within me as the symbol of my ‘victory over parents’ = me pushing the trolley, which I activated as a sense of liberty/ freedom and superiority without even knowing how or why. Thus, it was not a random point but a single experience that I was having in that moment that I was pushing the trolley without even noticing as a character.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to link the experience of ‘pushing a trolley’ to ‘doing my will’ and being ‘free’ and ‘liberated’ from the parents that would always put me into the trolley and drive me around to wherever they wanted me to go with them, within this manifesting the entire experience of: I don’t want to be driven by my parents, I don’t want to comply to what they say, I want to do things ‘my way.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a relationship of self-righteousness toward my parents, wherein I began doing everything to the opposite of what I knew they wanted me to be and do. This includes, for example, forcing myself to go to school when I was sick, just because my mother would insist that I shouldn’t go – and within this believe that I in fact didn’t want to miss a single day in school, but the fact is that I wanted to simply prove myself to her as wanting to do everything opposite to what she would suggest.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the character that would deliberately cause friction in another for the sake of feeling good about myself, just because of how I would experience the relationship with my mother as that of ultimate control and imposition, which I essentially rebelled to throughout my life.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into the victimization of ‘why didn’t you tell me’ when I got lost in that amusement park and get angry at my parents because ‘they were supposed to take care of me’ – and in that, believing that ‘they didn’t want me because they had allowed me to get lost,’ which is how I began building the ‘They don’t like me in my family’ syndrome, which I then embodied fully as ‘the alien’ at home, the black sheep, without realizing what series of events were affecting my every move and decision based on memories toward my mother/ parents in general.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into the experience of spitefulness toward my parents the moment that they found me after being lost, wherein I accessed anger because of thinking and believing that it had been ‘their fault’ that I had gotten lost – however, the actual reality is that I had decided to do it by myself and I cannot even remember if I did it on purpose when realizing that they had forgotten about me, which sounds ‘familiar’ as to how I would then deliberately go to the extreme of something just out of spitefulness, without ever really wanting to hear and realize that: I had done it all by myself, by my ‘own will’ to do things ‘my way,’ based on throwing tantrums, which means that my entire interaction was base on opposition toward ‘the authority’ as parents.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use the phrase ‘why didn’t you tell me?’ charged with rage and absolute spitefulness and anger based on this event wherein I had believed that my parents – and subsequently every time that I would not be let known of some event/ point and missing out – believe that I was being deliberately ‘not invited/ excluded,’ which I associated then to being simply rejected/ uninvited/ excluded and within that, think/ believe/ perceive that there was something ‘wrong’ with me and talking myself into thoughts like ‘my parents don’t love and no one likes me’ as a form of self-victimization, which I use to then create an entire personality that could ‘overcome’ this initial experience toward my parents and sisters, as to ‘prove’ that ‘I don’t need to belong/ I don’t need your appreciation,’ when in fact I was actually really desiring to ‘belong’ and be a part of the entire usual family scheme – which is how self-victimization becomes a key point to build ourselves as the ‘antagonist’ at home, based on self-beliefs and ideas of ‘how others see us,’ which is and has Never been about ‘them’ but about ourselves at all times

 

I realize that everything that I did and all the choices I apparently conducted was based within this starting point of wanting to oppose that which I perceived as ‘authority’ which was – as primary point – my mother, and in that building an entire relationship of opposition toward her particular personality, so that I could ensure that ‘I was not controlled by her,’ as I thought my sisters were.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger toward my father based on how he would usually be the ‘angry one,’ and when finding an opportunity for him to be in the position of ‘having fucked things up,’ I would use his stance of shame, regret and remorse in order to fuel my anger, to throw a tantrum and deliberately wanting to make him feel even worse than what I could spot he’d be experiencing in that moment when apologizing for something he had done.

 

Within this, I realize how I would use this same application whenever someone would be in the position of ‘having done something onto me’ and showing the same signs such as asking forgiveness, feeling ashamed, remorseful toward me wherein I would use such situation to blow things out of proportion just because of knowing that every word movement would make them feel even worse, and within me seeing them getting affected by the words that I could use to recriminate the point even further, I would get a sense of power as a revenge to a previously perceived relationship of ‘power’ of the other toward me. Thus, utilizing conflict as a way to ‘take revenge’ from the past times wherein I felt like the one that had to apologize, ask for forgiveness for having done something wrong and as such, develop power games with my father as a way to feel like ‘I had the right to be pissed off at him,’ later on copying this mechanism to relationships wherein I would also deliberately want the other to ‘feel like shit for what they’ve done,’ and knowing that they would then have to ‘make it up for me,’ in one way or another.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, deliberately instigate further shame, guilt and remorse in another in a situation wherein it is believed that ‘they have done something onto me,’ wherein I then feel with the ‘absolute right to throw tantrums at them’ as a way to complain about ‘being wronged,’ without realizing that all that I was doing is experiencing a sense of pleasure and satisfaction from scolding and yelling at someone, seeing them having no ability to defend themselves – which is a rather sadomasochistic mechanism of relating to others as then this would lead to point of reconciliation and in that, become and actual way to build up anger, irritation and then have a reconciliation in ways wherein all the accumulated negative energy as anger, irritation, frustration would be ‘soothed out’ either through something sweet & buying something by my father – and within sex in relationships with human beings.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to realize what I was doing when ‘putting more wood on the fire’ when I was confronting another in a situation wherein I apparently ‘had the right’ to point out ‘their shit’ – whether I was the ‘wronged one’ or not – just because of enjoying them to feel like shit, secretly enjoying seeing them realizing that they had done something wrong/ that they had fucked it all up, so that I could then remain in a stance of being apparently this immaculate benevolent being that is always doing everything ‘right’ and they were the only ones that could fuck it up. Never really wanting to accept how I would use this to further keep them bound by my side, as to being the ‘benevolent being’ that is willing to ‘forgive them’ and keep by their side, without realizing that I knew to what extent I would use this as a mechanism for my own positive experience as the power I had to make others feel bad and remorseful, ashamed and guilty for something they had said and done.

 

Within this, becoming like a mother that is able to point out the shit onto the son and as such, bind myself to relationships wherein I would become like the nagging mother that would point out shit in another, scold them and as such feel like I had the ‘control’ of the situation, without realizing that all of this would come from an actual experience of inferiority toward others, toward ‘them’ in the relationship, which is how we as women have taken the ‘superiority’ position not from an actual realization of equality and oneness with males, but as an outflow of having been the ‘oppressed ones’ throughout history.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to learn deceptive ways to get what I wanted as in being polite and well-mannered instead of throwing tantrums as ‘the way’ to get what I wanted. This proves that even if I didn’t precisely cry to get what I wanted, I learned the ‘adult ways’ of doing so, which is asking for it in a persuasive manner in a way that I could ensure I can ‘touch my parents hearts’ using the tactic of: If I don’t get it , I’ll be very sad/ If I don’t got and study this, I will regret it for the rest of my life / there is nothing else that I want the most in my life’ which I knew that would ‘move them’ sufficiently to consider that if they simply would say ‘no’ = guilt and remorse would haunt them, thus they would comply as a way to also remunerate me/ as a reward for the ‘who I was’ in school.

 

Thus I see and realize that I learned to play the system’s way of getting what I wanted by pleasing parents/ teachers / the system and as such, only living to satisfy my needs and desires without really taking into consideration reality, because I simply accepted this to be ‘my life,’ living to get things, to achieve, to obtain something that I could call ‘my own’ as my point of satisfaction.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately make it a habit to ask my parents ‘where had they gone to?’ and if I could find a way to make them feel sorry for not having let me know, they would usually give something to me in order to make it as if they had bought for me, which is what I defined as the ‘consolation prize,’ as a way to through instilling the sense of victimization toward a certain event in my world with my parents, they would usually comply to buy something to me in exchange to me going somewhere and usually complying to these type of transactions wherein there was no unconditional self-movement, but it was all based on wanting to ‘soothe’ my inner experience or ‘make up for’ something in separation of myself.

 

I realize that whenever I was showing a ‘depressed state’ toward my parents/ family, I was in fact only seeking to get ‘something’ in exchange to make myself feel better, which is how I did use depression as a way to manipulate people in my environment, to take me out, to give me money to buy things that I could use to ‘make me happy’ for a fleeting moment and that was it, which is how depression came to be/ become another way of a ‘silent tantrum,’ wherein I would deliberately show myself as being ‘depressed’ so that I could get more books, more cd’s and more stuff that I used to reinforce the same pattern again and again.

 

I realize that the ‘Victim’ is a way to remain triumphant in my mind in relation to how I would use this character to get what  I wanted – the Victory I am base on a deliberate self-diminishment that could be spotted by others to then ‘give us a hand’ as a form of self manipulation which is unacceptable.

 

So, this is a point that I see is prominent within the ‘who we are’ as ‘adults’ and as we come of age wherein we believe that we are, for example, depressive – when it is in fact just another way to yell out ‘help me!’ in a silent manner – or how we use the parent/ child relationship to only satisfy our desires which are usually linked to buying/ consuming something as a positive experience obtained from a negative input. Nothing else but energetic games that must be stopped within ourselves – one by one – as these seemingly ‘unimportant’ events have defined who and what we are in such specificity that we cannot even remember why we are in such a way, when all the keys are still here as ourselves, as these are survival mechanisms of the mind itself to ensure that we would remain busy/occupied evolving our characters and personalities, and as such never even have the least consideration to start looking at this world and reality beyond our character eyes.

To be continued…

 

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Life Review – The Victim of Judgment

Reality Check: Sharing Desteni

 

I was listening to the video  2012: The Family Tree System vs. Tree of Life and I noticed how my current experience toward Family has changed throughout this process.

Last December that I spent time with them, I saw how I was no longer playing the ‘antagonist’ or ‘the black sheep’ as I used to throughout my time with them before and at the beginning of this process. It’s been quite a walk to say the least from the times when I literally fed them all up with me only talking about ‘Desteni’ as all knowledge and information that I simply got very excited about, but wasn’t applying/ living it at all. The same can be applied to all ‘friends’ that I simply ‘left’ because they weren’t apparently able to ‘catch up’ with ‘where I was’ which was only watching and reading the material without having any substantial process to share as my own application. 

A cool indication about this is when I was sharing about Desteni back in 2008 with an ex-partner and even though he had some background on stuff like Lovecraft and other dimensions, the entire ‘portal’ thing simply seemed as bizarre as it could get. Imagine, this is now the ‘apparently’ open people and within that I simply became quite fixated on the idea of having to explain Desteni from the perspective of ‘the portal’ and all of that aspect which is not what’s really relevant, but the message itself. I would stumble upon my own words and eventually ‘gave up’ in trying to explain it. I later on probably got to know that friends/ people that knew me were a bit ‘concerned’ about me because I had simply detached and talking only about Desteni, wanting to simply speak out the knowledge without any practical reference to it. These type of situations became prominent with my family as well, until I realized through the support given while walking this process that was about us applying the process and not trying to change the world with knowledge and information.

From that moment I began slowing down and looking at the point of living-the-words instead of speaking the words and trying to make people understand from the starting point of this ‘being the truth’ or any other vantage point like that.

 

I learned ‘the hard way’ how sharing Desteni is not to share only knowledge and information to friends/ family as I lead myself to then walk an entire phase wherein I created this extreme uncomfortable experience for myself, feeling once again like ‘I didn’t belong here’ and using this as an excuse to single myself-out within the entire structure, as if I had already ‘overcome’ it somehow.  I didn’t want to see that I was only creating myself as something/ someone ‘superior’ because of all of this ‘knowledge’ that I had, yet wasn’t living fully as myself which was quite obvious because the moment that we begin grasping what living as Equals implies, we see and understand how any form of stance/ consideration that we place onto others – family, friends or anyone else in this world – is only ‘speaking’ / reflecting what is existent within us.

I can see that how most of the points that I have been able to ‘discover’ as ingrained treats and quirks have been mostly what I could point out in my parents for example, which came as a bucket of cold water in that moment because of how we as ‘the children’ (I’ve asked if there is a word in English that can explain sons/ daughters in one word to indicate the name for the people that have the same father and mother, if anyone knows leave a comment, children sounds too childish) tend to create this general conflict and opposition toward our parents. It’s clear to me how we have to walk through these family relationships first as it is in essence walking the core-relationships in our world that have shaped us in a literal way through the DNA, but also as the most immediate environment wherein our entire conception and general understanding of the world is created.

 

In the beginning of this process, I neglected this point and went into an entire seclusion and shifted my entire participation with them.  I did have a ‘hard time’ walking through this for the most part, simply because I would exist in a constant observer-mode wherein I thought that because of being profiling them and ‘understanding how their mind worked’ gave me some sort of ability to now judge them or point out shit in them without ever first taking the point back to myself.

I can also say that I have now asserted myself in my family in terms of everyone being aware of what I stand for, how and why I stand for life in Equality. It’s been a process of me stopping all reactions to the various words, judgments and general reactions that any other person could express and made sure that I simply establish myself as that point that supports myself before continuing trying to ‘change my family’ or anyone else. I mean, it was quite a drag when trying/ attempting to change them and preach all that I would learn from the Desteni videos back then and almost exhort them to ‘do as I said or they will be fucked for life’ – That was not the way and all that I got out of that was simply being almost ‘feared,’ wherein they would mostly not speak when I was around because of me immediately jumping into the conversation with judgments and pointing fingers at them or about the topic that was discussed, judging what they were watching on the TV (still walking that point that still comes at times.)  I’ve learned how to slow down and listen – and this is part of an ongoing process as I tend to round the points and create conclusions in a rather rushed manner, wanting to immediately reply to avoid what I’ve judged as the chit-chat, which is part of me having been a rather ‘anxious’ person that wants everything to be solved and directed immediately, without living/ applying that as myself in everything I do yet. So, it’s cool how every single bit is able to show/ reveal us where we have to equalize ourselves and our starting point of everything we do and share.

 

It is also true that not living with my family for the past 5  and a half years seem like an appropriate thing to do in terms of being able to face myself alone. But visiting and talking to them from time to time is also cool as my own reality-check. I actually got to enjoy the time that I spent with them at home last December. I allowed myself to stop judging them, allow myself to sit on the table and talk, share, just spend time with them which is something that I hadn’t done before because I had regarded it as a waste of time, simply because my starting point was already that of opposing them/ disliking them which then became my entire experience around them. Took a while to get to this point of now being able to sit and talk and share openly without fearing to be judged or being in a defensive mode with my superiority stance of ‘I know better/ I know how it all really works’ which becomes quite a drag in general.

 

What’s interesting is that for the most part they have communicated how they would not be able to ‘see themselves’ doing what I’m doing – they still consider that walking this process is something really hard and they still consider that walking this process is something ‘really hard’ and they have expressed how it is mostly something that they would not do. Yet they are supportive with their due ‘reserves’ in terms of me having a life that doesn’t follow the usual family patterns. They have gotten used to that for now or getting used to the idea of it and what it implies.

 

What I see is that I am not currently having any constant ‘relationships’ other than bits of interaction with the people that I live with and coworkers in school which has been a cool point to test myself in terms of stopping profiling people and actually being open and willing to learn from them all. I mean, they’re all males in their late 20’s, 30’s and 40’s lol so I’ve been able to learn more about those different phases in their lives and see what they’re all about. That phase is about to be over as well and I’m also grateful that I was able to have that experience because I know they are people that I wouldn’t have deliberately placed myself to be around with everyday for 6 months. I guess this is what we can call ‘walking the matrix’ wherein we stand as what/ who we are no matter where we are, being in the system but not OF the system and in the meantime, share, communicate enough to be able to expand a bit on people’s perspective about reality/ this world. I definitely enjoyed any moment that I was able to support another to see some aspect in common sense not previously seen or understood. 

I also had long discussions with them on how self responsibility is created by the single fact of living in this world and using money.  That became quite a big point point of discussion wherein they simply refused to open up about it, I saw that I couldn’t go further into it. So within these situations it’s not like a YouTube platform wherein you can just stop replying or decide to not approve their comments because of not getting it, it’s not like you can just walk out of the job because of not agreeing with the people there, that would be a rather foolish thing to do. So we learn how to walk in the system that way.

 

Back to my family/ parents I discovered that I enjoy talking to them when it comes to sharing our human-experiences. Through this process and after quite a while, I can say that I’ve gotten to a point wherein I can talk to them about what we do at Desteni, what I’ve understood, what I’ve realized and they also ask me for perspectives on stuff they are facing or cases from their friends/ other family members experiences. My mother shared the other day that what I had shared with her in relation to being able to stop her preoccupation thoughts,  linked to fears and general absurd/ out of place ‘worrying’ thoughts was quite supportive. It’s been cool opening up and speaking about reality and topics that they are also able to see/ understand no matter how ‘harsh’ it may seem. I mean, as far as ‘god’ it’s been mostly like only a ghost they still like to still cling on to out of habit only, because they realize that there is no way that it can possibly exist in this world because in common sense they can now see that the extent of abuse and suffering cannot possibly be part a ‘divine plan’ for Earth. I’ve been quite ‘outspoken’ after I stopped silencing myself around them and only holding eternal judgments and resentment for past situations toward them.

I am also aware that probably after a while of me speaking and sharing about some points, they might have heard something here and there and applied it for themselves.  I have stopped pushing them to apply Self Forgiveness or kill their god completely. I’ve learned how to measure myself in terms of sharing wherein I would go quite up in flames trying to prove my point and prove myself right without having actually walked the point myself, at least to be able to talk about it in a more relaxed manner and not out of anger, irritation and judgment. I am still ‘getting here’ in terms of not reacting immediately as a form of saying ‘I told you so!’ in terms of what they share and the experiences that could have been prevented if listening before. I also accept that each one is walking/ facing their process and me wanting to prevent their fuckups will still be coming from the ‘savior syndrome.’

I’m just glad I’m able to speak and share about how things are and push the envelope every time wherein we can discuss about the life-long patterns they’ve lived wherein I am obviously also facing myself as well. I’ve shared here in terms of seeing patterns with my father and myself for example and being able to discuss the points directly with him which is cool. I cannot possibly deny I am both of them and when talking with them about their quirks, patterns, thoughts and experiences, it is undeniable to not see myself in that. So, it’s been supportive for me to communicate and get to know a bit more about them speaking not from the ‘daughter’ perspective, but as another human being.

 

I mostly like breaking that initial ‘mirage’ that family roles-characters create wherein the ‘children’ are not supposed to talk about certain things or question their parents or ‘support them’ in anything in terms of facing themselves. One would usually think that because children are younger, they are not supposed to be ‘wise enough’ to support another – this is now the language used by them to define that ‘support’ as ‘being wise’ but it’s really just common sense that anyone can educate themselves to live and apply.

 

As much as this process has also been ‘painful’ for them in terms of me having been quite a ‘rebel’ through my teens in terms of ‘not fitting in the family scheme,’ and then having this 180 degree shift within this process wherein they certainly thought that it was just ‘another phase’ in my life, it is now  ‘acceptable’ for them to support me because they are aware of what I stand for, how I live it and share it. They are aware and supporting me in my future plans even if it is ‘not so cool’ for them in terms of not seeing me that much, but they are aware that my plans in life will not follow the patterns walked so far  in terms of my sisters having a settled life with kids and forming their own families. It’s cool that I have been able to witness  how people get married and settle down, have kids and dedicate themselves to that. I cannot possibly see myself in that, I’ve got the whole world here as the opportunity to walk and support myself first and become a point of support for others. I told my parents last time that I saw them how this is what I will be doing for life and this is all I can see myself doing for life which in essence means: I’m dedicating myself to live, to realize what Life actually is and support others in such process as well. I’ve seen how they’ve walked the process of questioning me and my starting point to simply having to agree as they see/ realize and can witness that what I say, I actually do and walk as myself full-on.

 

For now I am aware that I’m still here and willing to walk the process of equalizing myself as family members – this is definitely not done, but for the most part I can definitely say that after all these years there are considerable changes in our interactions wherein I have stopped antagonizing or holding a grudge toward my mother, that’s part of the points that have been walked with here also supporting herself within writing ‘in her own way’ as she never participated in Desteni, but what she learns and applies has supported her to let go of some points which has benefited our relationship/ interaction as well. It’s also cool because she ‘knows’ me very well from that mother-daughter perspective, hence all the ‘changes’ that she would have never expected are also a cool confirmation in terms of stepping out of the predictability – as well as her being able to point out any minor shift like irritation/ frustration/ me raising my voice as a result of this and being able to point it out right away. That’s also part of the points that not many people are able to do because we haven’t spent that much time with other beings in our reality other than our family – well, that’s been my case at least.

Now, this is not saying ‘all is fine’ but simply sharing how I see/ realize that we’re able to communicate with our family in equality, seeing how anything   that I could be backchatting about them can be taken back to myself directly. Now I almost ‘freeze’ myself whenever I  go into immediate projection about ‘something’ that I could point out to them without having first pointed it out in myself.

A clear example is how I can share with my father points of irrational anger and how I would sometimes want to go and exert that anger to someone or even being physically aggressive – he’s had the same throughout his life, so we’ve walked point by point how to breathe through it and stop the anger possession and the imagination of actually going and hitting the person because of any possible reason. We have also shared these extreme ways of having everything done ‘our way’ and if something doesn’t work out as we expected, we burst out in anger and get all desperate and wanting to just blame others/ the entire world for the consequences that we have created. These are points that have been part of his entire lifetime and that I can see I’m able to develop as ‘the information is there’ – yet as I am walking, I share with him how I can stop from going into the entire hissy-fit by breathing and applying self forgiveness.  It’s interesting that I can say  that I ‘know’ what he goes through because: I am his copy – hence I share what I’ve done to walk through these points in common sense and that’s it. It’s up to him to apply it or not, I won’t try to save him or ‘change him’ because I’ve understood how each one has to make the decision for themselves.

Same point with my mother mostly in relation to a constant state or ‘preoccupation’ and ‘worry’ which also comes from my grandmother and mostly linked to that ‘idleness’ when not having something physically here to do, and it’s also linked to irrational fears that are automated – same points: sharing how to take the trigger point of the entire reaction as the thoughts, walking through each through, applying self forgiveness in the moment and then stopping participation. That’s the point wherein she shared how that was supportive and how she was applying it whenever the thoughts would come up again. That’s cool.

In terms of my sisters now raising children, I can’t say much because I’m not interacting with them. For the most part it seems hard for parents to grasp the fact that kids must be regarded as equals and not making them ‘special’ as that creates further separation in this world. I don’t have an actual ‘say’ on that because both my niece and nephew are still babies, although I can say I am fond of the girl because I have been able to play with her a bit and I enjoy making her laugh and play along. My sisters often joke on how they will ‘send their kids to me’ so that they can learn about life, which I guess is a cool compliment at the moment, for the fact that a human being is able to recognize that the principle we’re living in is in fact beneficial for all and would be willing to allow you to share with them what can be regarded as an actual life-education.

So, these past times that I spent with them I was able to enjoy the hours that I got to talk to them on a one-on-one basis. I am aware that I mostly don’t like going to events wherein there are no actual spaces/ moments to REALLY communicate with people, which is what I enjoy. I’ve learned to open up and not only be willing to listen to ‘some’ – of course not everyone is open for this, so I’ve mostly shared and spoken with those that are willing to share equally, that includes my cousins for the most part, which I also enjoyed.

 

As a tentative final point to this is realizing how within one standing up and creating that equal stance toward everything/ everyone, family becomes part of that basic interaction wherein we are able to ‘test’ ourselves in the most casual ways. It is not necessary to create such resistance toward them as it is common sense that it will have to inevitably be walked-through within this process. Being able to share and spend time with people without having extensive backchat and generating an entire inner experience out of our own thoughts projected toward them, is quite a cool point worth placing oneself to walk through. I see that the key point is integrating this process as ‘who we are’ and not only taking ‘Desteni’ as some external entity that we try to make others see/ understand, but we rather allow the beings to get to know about it through ourselves, through our very ways in which we participate. Just as you and I have learned and copied ways of talking/ walking/ carrying oneself around from others, we are able to become the type of people that others can also see they’re able to live and apply equally as ourselves. Being living examples of what self is able to be and become once that we step out of our preprogrammed cocoon.

Thanks for reading and here’s the vlog that I recorded about this topic as well:

2012 Sharing Desteni with Family/ Friends: a Living Process

And also suggest watching Marek’s video response to that video which is a cool practical walking and expansion on this point.

 

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2012 Self-Religion: The Tower of the Fool

The world Religion implies re-union re-ligare which in a common-sensical definition, it would mean the unification of man as one and equal; but as anything in this world, we have adjusted it to create our own set of rules and values that we established as ‘the ground we stand upon individually’ even if it’s absolutely uneven, swampy or completely unsustainable. But because we ‘stand on it,’ we believe that ‘it is acceptable’ and ‘sustainable’ eventually thinking that because of all the time, effort and money that we spent on creating such  base for us to stand upon, it is ‘our worth,’ sometimes we value more the idea of ourselves than actually taking into consideration what we are in fact as physical living beings. We sometimes end up defending and guarding it with our very own lives, often losing perspective and creating this entire ‘entity’ in separation of ourselves as equal living beings in this world.

This Self-Created Religion as all the beliefs, judgments, ideas, preferences, values is then created as a set of ‘laws’  that we have become and deeply incrusted them into and as our being, believing that it would be impossible to ever change them, because we’ve created ‘who we are’ in relation to that set of knowledge and information as our ego.

I have an example of this, it is my father – ‘genio y figura hasta la sepultura’ is a saying in spanish, an idiom for explaining how one will remain being one’s ego / mind-set/ self-religion until death. One can even take proud on such points, believing that it is actually something honorable to stick to one’s beliefs and thoughts and remain ‘unchangeable’ throughout one’s life – but not within a common sensical perspective of being stable and remaining what we call ‘grounded,’ but actually being extremely rigid about one’s ‘way of being.’  That’s how I could define a Self-Religion. I gave this example to place now myself into perspective, taking such points as myself and when I see this, I see: I’ve been quite a stubborn person in ‘changing my ways.’ I have played the exact same role of not being ‘flexible’ at all times, which means, I’ve lived by that which I ‘believe is so’ and anyone that could dare to challenge it, I would mostly attack and deny or even ‘prove wrong’ within a haughty position.

Man, was I stubborn, even my family members reminded me about that this last December when sharing about our childhood and how we used to be. I accepted the fact that I had been quite a picky and stubborn mostly spoiled child  – you guys reading this blog and following my process would not have believed how I was and how I behaved as a child. Though, that’s been mostly exposed for myself to see how I accepted and allowed myself to be playing this role as a ‘drama queen’ just so that I wouldn’t have to take Self Responsibility, which has been part of me stopping all forms of victimization and a general stance of self-righteousness often accompanied with rigid statements and ‘self-laws’ based on my personality/ ego/ persona.

I’ve been quite self conscious throughout my life, I would deliberately create certain ‘systems’ of beliefs/ preferences/ words/ mannerisms and everything else that encompassed ‘my world’  in a very specific way to build myself as a personality. Each point that I would ‘integrate’ as myself , I would  ‘make it my own’ and stick to it as if my very life depended on it.

This became part of how I would guard my belongings with my life, being extremely obsessed about having everything under control, being extremely strict about things that I would allow within myself and others that I simply would never engage myself with – essentially being rather stiff about everything. As a child I was extremely serious and disciplined and would suit myself according to the environment I was in at the moment. If I was at school, I would be very serious and behave like a little tin soldier. If I was at home, I would be rather spoiled and wanting to be just having the TV all for myself, all the time  = rather possessive and picking up frictions around with my sisters whenever anyone would dare to ‘invade my space.’  If I was wanting to dance or be all goofy, I would ‘take the stage’ and be that in an absolute manner. My mother has dubbed me as ‘extremist’ in terms of how I take on something and live it/ apply it full-on – lol, I guess that’s cool in terms of how I take on this process now, problem was and still is when I would take non-supportive things ‘full-on’ in a rather obsessive manner. I guess that’s how I got to know my ‘limits’ as well, hence not a ‘mistake’ but a road that I simply saw would lead me nowhere.

All of these aspects I can see I used to shape/ form my belief system as the ‘Marlen Religion’ that I fully became. Lol, I remember there was a moment at the farm, I was rather sick or going through some of those tortuous moments of facing myself within a specific point, I felt like shit and I knew that I looked as if I was dying, and Bernard came into the kitchen and said: ‘The death of Marlena! lolol’ which is supposed to be that process of having to let go of the entire ego/ personality and actually beginning to live. All I could do is realize that anything that I could perceive is ‘haunting me’ or feeling like this huge block on top of my head, causing me to be hunching more than  usual and having a rather droopy facial expression as a sign of ‘I’m not “feeling well,” was part of the self-created process wherein I got to see what I was actually torturing myself with. It was my own mind, of course.

See, the physical was simply here and just allowing me to see that I had to let go of such  fears and judgments that I was tormenting myself with at the time = that’s my religion. All preferences, all ideas of what and who I have to be, it’s like taking on custom-made suit that we used to wear to become this specific personality that we then believe we can’t just ‘take off,’ because we fear being naked and exposed or something like that. Well, this is obviously metaphorically speaking, but I knew that I had to walk out of that limitation and opening up to new ways of living and ‘handling myself’ in the world, which are here for me to be and become, to stand one and equal to in common sense.

The Religion of Marlen became quite obvious the more I got to know myself and started seeing how everything that I regarded as ‘who I am’ and ‘what I am’ are nothing but self-created ideas, beliefs, judgments and preferences that I have taken on and sown as the quilt that I’ve become, in terms of personality and overall self-presentation and embodiment as ‘who I am.’

What I explained in the past as going through an ‘emotional breakdown’ at the beginning of this process – and even a while before that – I linked to the Tarot card  ‘the Fool. The man in that Tarot card that I have has his hands on his face, all naked and had real messy hair, just like I had it back then yet all grey and of a rather old age. I would see that card as that moment when I realized that nothing of what I had believed myself to be was actually real, meaning this entire personality as the ‘tower’ that I had built of my personality to achieve some form of ‘success’ and that I had actually invested quite a bit upon in time, money and ‘effort’ had to be destroyed by myself. I name ‘the Tower’ because that was another card that I would see rather often at that time, and I asked myself what it would mean in terms of ‘losing my religion’ – yes, just like that R.E.M song lol – and how I later on realized that tower had to be demolished because I was never going to reach ‘god’ with it, I was mostly only inflating my ego, which had to be burst if I wanted to actually get Real and Live.

The ‘emotional breakdown’ that I experienced was mostly having to let go of my beliefs, my ideas, my over-detailed creation as the personality wherein every single thing that I would wear, say, do, have around me would have a meaning/ purpose/ a part of me/ a memory that I had decided to keep as myself. It was quite baffling when realizing I had to let go of all the value, time, effort, money placed in the creation of ‘myself.’ I remember I lied beneath the dining room’s table upon a rug, with my back on the floor and began painting on the back-side of the table’s wood like a ‘cosmic ascension scenario,’  quite a grounding experience, yet it was part of the tantrum I threw wherein I was almost ready to get rid of everything I had done and bought, lol I was quite a drama queen I’d say. But it also revealed to myself how much value/ worth I had placed on everything around me, to the extent of missing myself completely within that equation. I was also able to see how I was rather judgmental toward ‘materialist people’ regarding their wealth and properties as ‘their god’ while in fact, I was doing exactly the same thing.

After I started realizing that it wasn’t necessary for me to stop painting or stop absolutely living as I did, but only changing the starting point of everything I did, I saw how I could simply start looking at how I had created/ defined myself according to how I would carry myself through the world, what I would wear, how I would speak, what was the mindset I would have when interacting with specific people, what I had regarded of value/ worth, what I had defined as ugly/ disgusting/ nasty, what I had defined as dumb/ stupid/  and all the opposites to this, which is how I started debunking my own vocabulary in terms of having spoken about good vibes, positive energies, god/ creation, superstitions, good-will and everything else I mean, I’ll quote Lao Tzu

“when all the world knows goodness to be good, there is already evil”

That point debunked my then perception of the world in a subtle manner that I could only grasp much later on.

My self-religion was created in an attempt to become someone that could have an impact on this world within standing in what I deemed was ‘the good path,’ trying to leave a ‘good impression’ in people for the sake of being liked, being supported, being placed as someone ‘extraordinary.’ That’s probably why I wanted to become an ‘artist’ as this was the platform that I saw could support my inherent desires, yet at the same time, being able to create enough impact on people, while getting the regular dose of appraisal and glorification to keep the ego up to date.

We live in a world wherein individuals are meant to ‘shape their personality’ as part of the matrix-initiation of ‘life’ and ‘living,’ which is nothing else but establishing our own rules, paradigms, views/ perspectives on what we like, what we dislike, what we stand for, what we oppose, what we believe is so, what type of things we do, what we don’t like doing and all of this is endorsed by and within the system so that we stand as part of a certain population that will have similar treats and quirks on ‘how we live life,’ which makes of this world a quilt of types of people, each one being targeted by specific marketing mechanisms and everything essentially being linked to buying and selling life, ensuring the system is ‘kept alive’ by this competition of egos and imposition of beliefs as ‘the way’ to live and interact in this world.  Eventually I became part of this specific type of personality within which I was able to establish relationships, ensuring that I would only stick to communicating with people that I saw as similar as myself, and deliberately neglecting and separating myself from the rest, as if they didn’t even exist.

Part of being walking with Desteni as a group is facing all these various prejudices toward myself within a particular frame of mind (lol, wrote ‘friend of mind’) that I had deemed as immovable, unwavering, unchanging as al the aspects of myself that would not allow me to unconditionally stand with particular ‘types of people’ only because of how they looked, what they seemed like, what they enjoyed, how they expressed themselves, etc. This has been actually an ongoing process of unconditionally being able to stand equal to a person and deliberately walk through situations and events without falling for the usual automated prejudices wherein I would immediately categorize and place in my ‘charts of values’ all people around me. I actually even thought that I was the only one having the ability to do this ‘right away,’ only to realize through participating in this process that we all did exactly the same thing! No specialness anywhere, we were truly all just living out the same shit.

It’s funny now to expose it, but at the moment it was almost ‘painful’ having to let go of my definitions and specifically, letting go of cherishing everything that I had almost classified and kept for the sake of maintaining this constant memoirs and reminders of ‘who I am’ and ‘why I am what I am,’ lol. When walking this process one perceives such points as an internal “Nooooo!” but it is only the mind screaming back at itself when seeing that a source of energy as the kicks we get from anything we define ourselves as, is no longer supported, no longer ‘fed’ so to speak within revisiting all of those points as sources of memory/ reminders of who I am, why I do what I do and what ‘drives’ my life, which was all in separation of myself.

At that time, I saw that having to let go of using 8 rings in my hands, letting go of using my beloved black eyeliner and nail polish, letting go of my hair at some point, letting go of my general treats like smoking or drinking and getting high, letting go of friends, letting go of my beliefs in a supernatural reality, letting go of the idea of myself that I had fed until that moment as being a ‘special person’ was actually ‘losing myself,’ when it was in fact the other way around. It was almost physically painful getting rid of all the quirks and presentation of myself. I did become like a robot for some time, yet it was part of this process of initially giving ‘death’ to who I was.

The more we limit ourselves, the more we cage ourselves in a particular mindset. The more we become introverted – and dare I say selfish in terms of not being able to look at other people’s worlds/ realities – the more we deny ourselves the ability to get to know someone from the starting point of realizing how everything that we’ve imposed as categories/ types of people toward one another, have only been part of the systems that have ensured that we remain secluded in a particular ‘group of people’ with similar views, with similar tastes, even similar socioeconomical status only apparently ‘evolving’ within that small view/perception and realm within this world.

“Earth is like a giant painting where we have neglected most parts and just focus on tiny portions of the painting and make only those spots look pretty – everything else gets ignored” –Andrew Gable

It’s fascinating that we believe ourselves to be ‘losing’ something when in fact, getting rid of such limitations is expanding, it is mingling in this reality as others and getting to see how it is that I can only consider myself as ‘different’ to another at a mind level. The essence of who we are is the same  at a physical level, and it is then how through this process I’ve come to stop much of the judgment I held toward particular people, wanting ‘nothing to do’ with some others and still, I’m walking the process and reminding myself that I cannot judge another because I am judging myself, as simple as that.

My perspective on life, myself and others has had a major overhaul to be able to see how it is that whenever I see myself saying: ‘I would never do that’ – obviously in common-sense points, I am in fact defending my own credo wherein I am acting from a prefab version of ‘who/ what I am’ according to and based upon the knowledge and information that I’ve decided to “live” as myself in the past.

‎”Ego is a projected energy self based in polarities of good and bad, love and hate that is confused by the movement of the energy of the polarity and believes that it is the energy. When the energy ends, the ego ends and with it love and hate. This world , although physically dependent on energy, is not best served with an outside illusionary entity that pretends to be life” – Bernard Poolman

We can see how that outside illusionary entity that existed as myself as all of these polarities lying on the boldness of good/ evil, can in fact be stopped and not supported any longer by myself. The projection as the show that I was putting on as the character that I had become, had to have a major turn off so that I could start seeing what I had become, what was the motivation of every single thing that I said, why I said it, how I said it and so forth with everything I did, say, do, communicate about, etc. My ego as the self-created persona became almost ‘ unbearable’ for me to witness every time that I would speak almost in an automated way  – which still does happen from time to time  if I am not enough HERE as breath. At some point I would go into this sense of recrimination for having spoken just out of the automated version of myself as that ego, it’s like the memory that plays out automatically/ by default whenever I am not here as breath, it became very obvious to spot these situations because it almost feels ‘icky’ in the moment.

Thus the importance of focusing on breath as the actual energizing process that keeps our ‘power’ in place at a physical level, instead of giving all our focus and attention to ourselves as a personality, keeping up that entity that we’ve called ‘who we are’ and ‘how we live.’ As long as we are possessed by our own mind we haven’t in fact ever lived, we can only be existing here as breath as life in every moment when we are not existing in any ‘pole’ to create friction generating energy for the mind to keep running and going back and forth between poles.

What purpose does that mind serve? Nothing else but our own interest in separation of common sense = what’s best for all. That’s how living as an ego of the mind, as a certain personality is in fact living in dishonesty because within such frame of mind, we’re not considering what’s best for all, we’re not even aware of our full potential, because of existing in the mind as certain recurring thoughts, memories and patterns, having a limited version of ourselves to live by in every moment, just so that we’re able to ‘stick to our protocol,’ stick to what ‘suits our image.’  It’s like having a computer and having all of these full suites to work with – yet because we’ve become so used to only working with one single program, we stick to it because it’s ‘known,’  it’s become ‘comfortable’ with its own limitations. We then justify and create excuses to not go and explore the array of possibilities that are also existing here in our Operating System because that would imply stepping into the ‘unknown’ and getting out of our self-imposed bounds wherein we would think we’re ‘getting out of character.’

It’s like when being in a cage for too long, long enough to then get scared or freak out the moment that the door is open and we are able to simply walk out of it. It’s fascinating how the mind operates from this perspective, ensuring that we keep us limited as this personality just because of fear and in the name of survival, as that which becomes ‘reliable’ to live by, becomes our religion. If it works – even if it has its major flaws or absolute lack of common sense – we accept it as a fact and we make sure that we stick to it, otherwise it is like ‘disrespecting ourselves’ in some way. At least that’s how I would see it, even with petty examples like ‘not listening to this/ that type of music because it doesn’t suit my personality’ and within that, having limited myself from listening to various types of music at some point, just because of it not being in accordance to the entire mood-set that I had created for myself to live by every day for quite some time in my  life.

Ludicrous, and I then dared to judge Christianity/ the catholic church  so vehemently, never daring to see how I had created this self-religion and the ‘Marlen Church’ as the entire ritual that I created of my day to day living, how I would live every moment ensuring that I would stick to the  image I CULTivated of myself, so that I could be able  to kind of ‘be proud of myself’ and  get a kick out of my creation as this ‘ego’ sticking out in the world.

Becoming self honest is the process of becoming aware of what is really here as the physical world. Self honesty is the opening of the eyes to really see reality and to identify what of reality requires change to what is best for all life. Bernard Poolman

I shifted my eyes to look at the physical reality that I was. I started getting rid of everything that I would put on, wear and mask myself with because I started seeing the deceptive starting point for everything I’d say, do, think… I cannot deny that I would feel like going crazy at times – yes I dubbed that by saying in a video ‘it’s weird at times’ but it was actually a process of seeing this self image just requiring to be demolished, so that I could finally step out of it while applying Self Forgiveness for the extensive fear of loss that I would experience when having to get rid of something, when having to let go of a self-definition that I had deemed as ‘positive’ within myself.

All love and hate aspects within me had to be self forgiven even when still having the perception that ‘I was right in disliking/ judging this/ that,’ all the perceived treats and advantages that I had, all the good and the bad had to be placed on the table to see and realize that if I am here to create myself, this will be done from scratch, having no particular holds on to something that I regard as ‘nice’ or ‘unable to let go of.’ Oh man, that ‘death’ is what we all have to take on as it is in fact the process of liberation from such ego that is then walked as the entire process of Self Honesty. I mean, I’m  definitely not ‘done,’ it is an ongoing process that I am in at the point of self-creation wherein the moment that I let go of points, I have to now correct myself and make sure I fill in the gaps of such programming with self—supportive commandos so to speak. That’s then how we create not an ‘entity’ in separation of myself as a ‘better version’ or an ‘upgraded version,’ but as an actual being that is here in simplicity living in common sense, moving myself to create and establish what’s best for myself as what’s best for all.

This is the simplest way we can look at this process. I’ll add another point mentioned by Bernard as well: “Self Honesty is nor nice or beautiful” which is what got me to realize that facing myself, facing my religion was going to be a process wherein I would want to hide beneath that table again, yet only realizing that I could hide there for a limited amount of time until I realized that mindfucks are not able to be sustained that long until we start getting bored and fed up with our usual mind bs, which is actually how I discovered that expanding myself and letting go of this limitations, was the actual ‘freedom’ that I had sought and that I was eager to experience as myself.

Right now we realize that it doesn’t matter how ‘liberated’ one can get at an individual level, None is Free until ALL is Free and within this, we are here to establish a system that will enable ALL Beings to stand equal to the realization that I am sharing here as myself, as who and what we all can become when standing as Equals in a world where everyone is supported As LIFE, so that we can start living and exploring what actual Self Expression is in Equality.

 The Fool is the beginning of Process – the Tower and Death is when we let go of this veneer as our ego – we then walk the process  until we embrace the entire world as who we really are within standing as the principle that Life is: Equality and Oneness.

We’re already walking it, we are here and  you can walk along as well if you see that this makes sense in terms of getting rid of all religions and self-religions to finally be vulnerable and ready to mingle with everyone else in Equality.

http://www.desteni.org

http://www.equalmoney.org

 


Perfectionism is an Inside Job!

Per-fact working with what is here to be created/ directed within the principle of what’s best for all – Working in specificity, living in ways that are taking into consideration an outcome that will benefit myself and all equally – there are no inner-guidelines according to my own value schemes based on comparison or fears within that. This is how we can transform our current participation in ‘perfectionism’ to self perfection.

Perfectionism – system word and the familiar imprint.

I read the word perfectionism and remembered the usual talks my parents would have with their friends around the table and how my father would boast about his peculiar traits of being methodic and a perfectionist. He’s cool from the system perspective and I’ve learned heaps from such specificity and efficiency within taking into consideration aspects that make our day to day living more practical – yet a lot is definitely based on fear and an underlying desire for control. Now that I look at the word I see that looking at the ‘driving force’ of this experience is having everything working the way ‘he wants it to be’ and this aspect can consume him the moment things don’t go as expected.

That’s when anger would ignite within him right away – it was a ‘known’ fact that if something didn’t work out the way it was expected, we would have to deal with his bad temper. It’s been cool actually because this past year  I’ve gotten to be more open in talking about how to support ourselves with my parents/ family in general, so I’ve been able to point out in the exact moment when he’s going into anger and frustration for things not resulting the way he wanted them. This has been supportive for him to snap out of it and realize that all the fuzz is absolutely unnecessary and that things have to simply be physically directed without adding any other ‘charge’ to it.

The reason why I’m writing about my father is because I require to apply the exact same points for myself.  I can see myself in him in terms of how we have lived ‘perfectionism’ as literal cage wherein we want everything to be ‘under control,’ wherein we don’t want to make any mistakes which is essentially out of fear, fear of not keeping up with this ideal that we’ve created of ourselves, our ‘reputation.’ I now remembered asking my father in one of these events ‘well, what is it that worries you the most if this doesn’t work out?’ and he replied something along the lines of ‘what everyone will say about it.’ And then he goes into his petulant mode wherein he’s just like a little kid that has been caught in the nitty gritty of what is actually ‘mattering’ within our mind, it’s actually funny because there is no place to hide once we reveal and expose ourselves. 

So, it is about fearing others’ judgments, fearing not being ‘up to the expectations’ which is just an overall fuckup since we then will try and make everything fit our imaginary idea – not a pleonasm but a required redundancy to realize how we cannot become an ‘idea’ that is only existent in our mind unless we actually live it in fact. When living in comparison and caring too much about our general ‘presentation’ toward others, we start hindering our expression and placing a lock to our expression to not get out of the ‘known-safe bounds’ and in that, giving up the ability to express, share, being, speak and act because of caring too much about what others have to say about it.

 

How I have experienced perfectionism.

It started when I was a little girl – kindergarten to be precise and I wanted to be the perfect girl that did everything I was told to do. The moment I deviated from it like grabbing a pair of scissors and cutting some boy’s hair, getting scolded and resenting such action coming from the ‘teacher,’ I got ‘stuck’ within the point of never wanting to create such ‘harm’ on to another, the kid started crying after it all seemed like ‘fun’ to me.  That’s the first imprint of ‘being mean’ at school and being reprehended for it. From there fear kicked in and made sure I was doing everything I was told to do out of fear of having to go through that ‘humiliating experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having experienced humiliation out of being scolded without anyone taking into consideration the inner-workings and intentions behind the actions – in this

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to move from self-expression into fear because of not wanting to be ‘scolded’ again ‘in public’ and experiencing such humiliation which I didn’t know existed at the time, creating a general imprint of ‘fear’ which then became the driving force to ‘do as I’m told’ and be an obedient sheep in class.

In fact, from that moment on any ‘fuck up’ that I made during the elementary school years – like being kicked out of the class for talking too much which only happened once – I felt like the scum of the Earth, I feared to be expelled from the honorable wall of fame at school – losing the grace all teachers and others had – the ‘reputation’ point became quite prominent when being the ‘perfect system’ that does ‘everything perfect.’ In fact now that I see the latest points wherein that word has come up in my reality, I get this icky feeling like fuck that’s just not cool, it’s all ego based – how could ‘accomplishing tasks’ be related to ‘being perfect?’ It all was part of getting to know how to score in the system of rewards – nothing else.

I can only accept Self Perfection as myself and in that, we all have to stand equal and one to it – that would be principles and self-will to be efficient, practical, specific in terms of what will create an outcome that’s best for all. I speak of ‘creation’ because that’s what we are doing here with ourselves and the world. Therefore, now that we understand that all points within creation must be equally responsible, we can see how within being self responsible, correcting ourselves and accumulating words and deeds that co-operate to create a best for all outcome is walking the process of Self Perfection. This then cannot be a mind/ ego-driven move, but a best-for-all consideration that anyone can apply in an equal manner.

The reason why we have become so hooked on ‘perfectionism’ is due to the current system wherein one has to be absolutely ‘fit’ and aligned to its rules to keep going – this is just another survival-mechanism point because the main motive is fear once again. Whether it is fear of judgment, of not having money, fear of loss, etc. we have to take such fears to see where we have placed our value/worth upon.

Walking in this process has allowed me learn how to work as a team for the first time as I used to ‘loathe’ to work in teams, because it would usually mean having other 4 people wanting to be in my team because they knew and I knew I would do it all – yes I would create such a situation for myself and accept to do it all most of the times just so that I could make sure it was done ‘the right way.’ Once again we see that the motivation was fearing it would be a fuckup and believing that ‘my way’ is the ‘best way.’ I have stunned myself whenever I see how cool it is to brainstorm about points to the extent that I can see how funneling everything within the principle of equality can create an actual diversity of perspectives that lead to the same point – yet using different ways and expressions to get there, that’s the cool part.

It’s probably been over a  decade since I started letting go much of the initial hardcore perfectionism I experienced as a child – I mean, when I was around 8 years old if things didn’t go out the way I wanted, I would become frustrated and angry and bottle myself in it only getting to see some ‘light out of the tunnel’ with some support that I would get from my mother at that time, allowing me to see how I was simply able to do the things without having to be so strict and ‘hard on myself.’ I see how I would take such comments like ‘quick fixes’ that she could say in order for me to have like a spoon fed of honey to get past the bitterness, I would not really consider what she was saying. It did support to snap out of it and learn to be more flexible with my own religion. Like if I would say: I go to bed at 9:15 I had to be in bed at that time, no matter where I was I would have to be in bed because otherwise I was breaking my own rules and that was equal to what missing Sunday’s mass is for a hardcore christian.

I created for myself an overly-apprehensive childhood, no one was putting a gun to my head to have set such standards of ‘being the best’ all the time, it was like literal preprogramming running itself wherein my parents never had to bother in asking if I had done my homework or doing exhaustive reviews on my homework. My mother would support me with tools to learn useless data and create questionnaires to enhance the understanding of what I was learning –  that was it.   The drive that I would experience in an almost automated way to ‘be the best one in the class’ was driven by fear of losing my reputation and image toward others.

After these initial years at school I learned ‘the ways of the system’ wherein I simply got to know the ‘rules’ and started manipulating the points to get the desired outcome, extenuating the effort as well.  This is Not Self Perfection at all! Yet from a system perspective it was regarded as such – it was me becoming part of the ones that are able to manipulate things to suit my reputation/ ego. It actually sucks when people build a certain ‘idea of yourself’ and then create all types of expectations of ‘who you are’ and when finally getting to meet you, they eventually see you are just another mortal that is not self perfected – yet.

 

I can also now pinpoint the times in the past wherein I would create this ‘lower standard’ of something I had created even though it was ‘well done’ just to create a ‘safe zone,’ like a margin of error wherein if people thought it wasn’t ‘good enough,’ they would have my initial input of the work ‘not being good enough’ so that they could then measure the end result according to their judgment and my input and create an ‘acceptable average’ from it all. All fucked up complicated value systems – the mind complicates everything and it’s all done just for the sake of keeping up an imaginary standard that apparently can uplift of diminish who we are – it’s not real!

 

From Perfectionism to Self Perfection – the process.

The way to go every time from here on that I experience any perfection-demon kick I  stop for a moment and become aware of what is the driving force within this – what is it that I am actually supporting here and if common sense is not able to be found, we’ll know it’s being an ego-driven task directed to fulfill a certain patterned-idea of myself that is not self-supportive, that will not be applicable for all equally and will only stand as a general bluff within my experience.

Self-perfection is taking all into consideration to the best outcome possible – perfectionism is just ego-driven desires and fears which are the same but just in opposition to each other. It implies then stopping the desire to be ‘the best’ or beating my own standards and self-created ‘records’ to simply continue living in a way that is supportive for myself and everyone equally. That way we let go of measuring ourselves against ourselves and others and feeling ‘good’ or ‘bad’ about it.

“Perfectionism is based in fear – self perfection is based in self creation” – Bernard Poolman

And with that we can see how we’re all walking the process of self creation wherein self perfection is the accumulation of consistent self-application directed toward a best for all outcome.

 

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