Tag Archives: favoritism

498. Deconstructing the Default Self-Specialness

Continuing from the previous blog

Here sharing Self-Forgiveness on the points I am committing myself to acknowledge as my creation, as my allowed participation in my mind that I want to change and turn into a supportive outcome for myself and the people I get to be involved with for a moment or for a lifetime.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a positive experience in relation to people with whom I have developed a relationship where there is kindness but at the same time there’s the awareness of them being ‘attending me’ as in being there to assist me, to care after me and getting what I am looking for in the shop – or simply having a chat in the meantime – wherein when I see that another person comes into the shop and the attention veers toward that other person, I have allowed myself to instantly go into a ‘lesser’ experience of myself which I’ve felt in my physical body as a tightness, a tension directly related to the presence of the other person, instead of realizing that this is the ‘default’ experience of ourselves at a mind level where I constantly can perceive myself as ‘special’ or ‘unique’ or ‘having a special spot’ yet forgetting that this is the default experience that we all have allowed ourselves when in our minds, therefore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in my mind reacting to another person’s presence and in doing so perceiving it as a diversion of attention from others towards them – instead of remaining attending ‘me’, which is very much an egotistical experience where I stop considering another person in that moment and go into this tension and frigidity in that moment, which I’ve come to see is me in my body and mind conditioning myself to create a momentary friction and conflict about the presence of another person, instead of embracing the presence of not only one person but any other person around me, realizing their equal ability to get the attention from the shop attendants and at the same time push myself to be able to look at them, interact with them if the opportunity arises and in doing so, practically walk through my initial tension or subtle reaction to another’s presence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a positive experience in shops or other public spaces wherein there is supposed to be people ‘attending me’ and I get all the attention I require, and go into a subtle ‘low’ if the attention is given to someone else, which is very much also a programming I’d see as very common in me since being a little child, the youngest of the family, where I got all the attention and was quite spoiled in my own way, which led me to constantly add this ‘specialness’ to myself, who I am, what I do and if there’s someone else taking that one ‘special spot’ in whichever context, I then have allowed myself to go into a ‘low’ which is simply a perception of ‘me not getting all the attention’, but in common sense that’s how things should be and all that I require to do is to learn now to embrace any other person as an equal to myself, walk through my initial ‘discomfort’ toward them, understanding them as a ‘default’ reaction of myself in my mind-and-body so that I can then proceed to live the words of integrity and integration, embracing and equality towards others at any given time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in that ‘sinking’ experience within me upon noticing it was another young woman entering the shop and in that moment the activation of ‘women competition’ kicked in, in a very subtle manner wherein even if I am not thinking in competition terms, the tension, the discomfort that I experienced as taking over my physical body’s upper area is an indication that I am still reacting to the presence not only of other human beings in certain contexts, but specifically women where I then proceeded to feel ‘displaced’ in that moment where the conversation went towards here, wherein I went into a low and self-diminishment in that moment, which I saw and pushed through to remain in my usual presence, however the experience had already been developed, therefore

Whenever I am in any situation where I perceive that I am ‘alone’ and the attention is only ‘on me’ and I am creating a positive experience about it, I have to slow myself down to ensure that I am not going into a ‘high’ within me as the positive experience that can then rebound to a ‘low’ if the factors change in the moment and I stop getting ‘all the attention’ on me, because this then signifies that my interaction wasn’t entirely being in equality, in stability and comfort, because if it went into a ‘low’ all of a sudden, there had to be a pre-existent experience I was aware of.

So I can now practice this point where I can in those moments upon hearing or seeing that another person is also sharing that moment and ‘space’ in a shop or other place in a similar set up, I can breathe as a way to ensure that I am relaxed in my body and prevent through breathing the build-up of tension in my upper body, while I can deliberately remind myself to live the words embrace, equality, integration so as to ‘integrate’ the other people into the space as equals and embrace them, their expression in a way where I can be in their presence and remain comfortably in my body and even if the opportunity is there, proceed to interact and engage with them and have a chat if they also respond back in an equally open manner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe or perceive that there are such things as a ‘position’ of specialness and favoritism toward people wherein I have to let go of reassuring these ‘positions’ in my mind that I believe others have toward me and instead, fully develop my positioning as an equal in all aspects, which I recognize I’ve been doing better when it comes to supposed ‘hierarchical’ situations and learning to get past my elitist programming towards ‘others’ but I can still see this ‘regard’ that I’ve built towards myself in relation to how I expect to be treated as a signal that I have yet to completely let go of any default-specialness of my mind, any default ‘uniqueness’ and this can be practiced by focusing on breathing, stopping the insta-judgments of values based on appearance overall, based on gender, based on money, based on ‘positioning’ and in doing so, become the person that I want to be that truly embodies what it means to be equal to any other individual, where I don’t recreate the separations, the discriminations, the divisions that we’ve fueled in our minds based on a plethora of visual differences that are only that, a visual presentation but instead, learn to get to know each other as the words we speak and live, what we embody as ourselves because that’s where the real presence and essence of each other is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to still carry on with a subtle, unspoken or ‘without thinking’ comparison or even rivalry towards other women specifically wherein I am the one that is instantaneously judging them as ‘more than me’ based on certain attitudes or physical appearance wherein I am completely becoming me as my mind that judges, that values appearances, that compares and creates a verdict of me being more than or less than others… none of this is who I really want to be in those moments because it only recreates the plethora of separations that we are seeing more and more prominently in our world.

Therefore I have to practice letting go of my ‘inertia’ to these ‘quantum-judgments’ and assessments that I get to become aware of only after they have happened in an almost ‘automated’ mode, but even that, I challenge myself to be able to stop this very silent, very physically ingrained habit of comparing, judging or going into a silent rivalry/competition toward other women that I’ve perceived as ‘more’ than myself, which only exists there if I am still regarding myself as ‘inferior’ in one way or another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to from a very age not know ‘what to do’ upon noticing distinctive physical features and appearances of people around me wherein I learned to create notions of beauty based on appearance and particular traits, but wasn’t really aware how to actually create a meaning that is substantial for real beauty in a person, which I’ve established that is not limited to only the first layer we get to see through our eyes in one person, because that is definitely something that we can all see and sometimes even agree upon by default – but also to include the essence, presence and substance of a person, who they are as the words they live and speak, the kind of being they are in their lives which is what I’d like not only myself but more and more humans to focus on at the same time, because I’ve complained myself many times of living in a ‘shallow world’ where only appearances matter, but the aspect of the substance behind that first-impression appearance is what I’d like to focus on and get to know in a person, to then learn from them, get to embrace them as a being more than just an image, because I, myself, would not like to be diminished to only being an image either.

I commit myself to practice in those moments when acknowledging the presence of another person through hearing them coming in, to instead of ‘avoiding looking at them’ which is not done out of privacy or consideration, but out of avoidance as a reaction to see them with my eyes, I can then test out actually turning my head and looking at them so that I can make the decision to in that moment apply these words: embracing, integration, equality and so direct myself to focus on my own physical presence, my own body, ensuring I am not going into a tension and if that happens, I can simply focus on breathing so that I can dissipate the experience before it builds up at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to without intent and in a perception of ‘respecting others’ privacy’ – apparently – have done onto others what I dislike being done onto me, which is that of deliberately ignoring another’s presence yet only reacting at a physical level about their presence, which is very uncool and I simply do not want to be that kind of person that eventually gets to a point of looking away from people on purpose so as to not have to face the various reactions that could be coming up in those moments. I rather learn to face and embrace the reactions and comparisons I’ve created so that I can work on them first hand and practice, practice, practice as much as it is needed until the presence of another human being – male or female- becomes indistinct to myself, to the moment and can instead practice to embrace them, integrate with them in the moment because that’s exactly what I’ve liked others doing onto me and I am aware first hand of how cool that is for all of us, so I definitely want to be entirely clear within me in relation to people, especially considering those ‘first ever’ encounters where I don’t even know the person, yet I am ‘reacting’ to them? Doesn’t make any sense, really, and that’s what we are and have become in our minds: separation, not making any sense and simply causing friction and conflict by default, but now it’s entirely up to me to stand as the directive principle of myself in my mind and my body so that I can then decide who I am in that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have fueled in a very subtle manner this idea that I am ‘special’ and I deserve some kind of ‘special treatment’ wherein I believe that I am a person that ‘deserves’ something based on what I give, which should not be the case at all, because any kindness and consideration toward others is me giving it as an expression of myself, not as an ‘expected in return’ type of treatment which would only create the same kind of societies where we treat each other as walking numbers or assets, instead of redefining that value as the kind of person we are, the words we live, the actions we stand by and what we use our bodies, our minds, our words for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this ‘default’ existence of myself in this ‘special-mode’ self-experience wherein then it is easier to create any sort of inner-conflict and go into an inferiority-mode because we are the ones sustaining that ‘elevated’ sense of self that can be easily threatened and rocked when perceiving anything or anyone as ‘more than’ something that we are defining ourselves by as a judgment or a value, therefore this proves that any superiority or inferiority complex are nothing more than judgments, values and perceptions that I’ve accepted and allowed as ‘who I am’ which in turn, through this identification, becomes a way for me to react to certain people – or not – based on this default programming of ‘my identity’ being those experiences, those reactions, that superior or inferior experience which is by all means something that I commit myself to stop fueling even in the silent and most subtle physical experiences that I can instead open up, face, investigate for myself and turn this whole comparison and competition mode into a supportive outcome for myself and so for others.

I forgive myself that I have lived a contradiction in terms of wanting to stand as equal to every other person, but still create these comparisons, judgments, notions of value and worth towards others and seeing them as either ‘more’ or ‘less than’ myself, wherein I am in fact even in a silent manner, recreating the same mentality with which we’ve built this current world system, and I know for a fact It doesn’t serve life, it doesn’t have a default space for equality as life, therefore I/we have to be the people that can change our ways of interacting among each other if we truly want to create a world in equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an expectation upon meeting people for the first time of creating an impression upon them of ‘me being unique and special’ wherein I am by default wanting to be the ‘attention grabber’ that wants to make an impression but not yet for all the best reasons, but still coming through with some ego, therefore I have to be more aware of my choice of words, attitudes, expression in general ensuring that it is not being done from the starting point of continuing and feeding this ‘attention seeker’ or ‘attention grabber’ in me, and instead develop humbleness as a modest self that I can live with and stand by eternally as who I am, because it won’t be defined by highs or lows of energy, but instead expressing and allowing the real me to come through as a presence that I can definitely see is possible to continue developing, growing and expanding as myself in more moments of my reality.

I realize It is a matter of being aware of myself at a physical level, being aware of the subtle changes experienced at a physical level as sudden undercurrents that come up and transform into tensions or stiffness and in that moment investigate, look at what’s the programming that’s being triggered and so proceed to apply the words that I see would be most supportive in that moment.

This way, the practical application is an opportunity that exists whenever and wherever I see myself with more people in a context where I have created a ‘positive relationship’ towards something or someone and in that, making sure that I can ‘share’ that something or someone with others without reinforcing a sense of ownership or dominion over others, because that’s certainly not what I want to be and do, I want to stand in humbleness and equal-stance toward others, as well as letting go of notions of specialness or positivity attached to people, places or situations so that no matter where I am, I am here, I am expressing me without ‘highs or lows’ but practicing a continuous embracing of others in the space around me, and also get to chat with them or get to know them better as part of our shared moment and reality, no matter how short or long it might be.

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275. Child Addicts: Problem–Solution–Rewards

In the Equal Money Capitalism, we are presenting the current problems that are affecting our society, directing it toward a solution and looking at how we will all be benefited from having a world that stops running in self-abusive, harmful and destructive patterns.

In this blog, we are continuing from the presentation of the problem in the last post 274. Child Drug Addicts – here we are directing the problem toward a solution that invariably generates equal rewards. This means that the same pattern of rehabilitation and solution can be applied to any other country/ population that presents a similar problematic.

Watch the documentary Afghanistan’s Child Drug Addicts in order to become aware of how drug addictions does not only mean ‘wanting to escape’ reality out of fun and having enough money to sponsor your own escapist-habits.

 

  • Problem:

War in Afghanistan  has destroyed the city, many have been killed leaving families without parents to take care of children.

– Males use drugs in order to be able to work longer hours, which means not enough money is made and as such, bring the addictions home and spread even to 1 and a half year old babies.

– Children lose limbs because of the war and have no medicines to cope with the pain, villages are attacked wherein civilians become casualties of war. Parents have no other option but to give them opium to ease the pain, which leads them to become addicts from then on.

 

Psychological Damage: Teenagers suffer from depression because of loss of family members in bombings/ witnessing suicide bombers/ seeing dead people and having to recover from the traumatic experience which means, coping with suicidal tendencies.

– Families torn apart by the wars – hence children as young as 11 years old turn to drugs to cope with reality.

– Children turn to prostitution from the age of 8 years old in order to fund their own addictions – there’s no jobs/ no work.

– The Afghan powder/ heroin is the cheapest in the world here because of drug cartels now turning their poppy harvest into heroin, so it is ubiquitous. One gram is over 1 Pound.

 

– Poverty: High rates of unemployment make of drug addiction the common way of spending time and curbing the need for food.

– Adult population turn heroin addicts in order to cope with a reality where no support is given.

– Children are adopting the patterns of the parents within the consumption of heroin in order to mitigate hunger.

– No health provided, no doctors available, no support on how to deal with child addicts.

– Food is more expensive than opium.

– People would sell drugs to make a decent living, and with the eradication of their plantations, they have no other option but taking drugs due to lacking food.

– Not able to afford medicines, opium is the answer.

Family Crisis: Parents  give opium to their children in order to mitigate hunger

– Half of all opium users give it to their children of which the number is in the rise due to no solutions.

– Other children just become addicts due to the parents’ smoke

– Parents give their children drugs in order to cope with the pain and hunger.

– There’s not enough food to feed the whole family and when smoking opium, they lose the appetite.

Drug Addiction is seen as a dishonor in Islam : leads people to be afraid to ask for support.

– Only one center deals with child addiction in the entire country.

 

Consequences:

– A Generation of Drug addicts is created.

 

  • Solution:

– No more wars in order to obtain resources from other countries

– No more wars against ‘terrorism’ as wars are in itself terrorism

– Changing the harvesting of heroin for money into foods for human consumption. Drug consumption won’t be a necessity if everyone is given equal support.

– Proper living conditions that ensure all people have access to decent jobs such as reconstruction/ building of houses, schools and all the infrastructure that has been destroyed with the wars

– Education to parents in order to take care of their children with proper medical health supervision to not treat any form of ache with opium

– Educating the population about the long term addiction problems that ensue when giving their children opium/ heroin.

– Access to food,  water, sanitation services, education, nutritional and parenting counseling while developing crops to grow actual food and not drugs.

– Rehabilitation programs that are openly supported by the government: no more religious veto toward addictions which means, facing the problem as the national crisis it has become.

– Kids without parents given to proper adoptive ones that will ensure no abuse is committed onto them.

 

  • Rewards: 

– Peace, safety, tranquility for all inhabitants in the world with ceasing fire and all forms of warfare.

-Resources that were directed toward defense against the invasion can now be directed to support the population to get to live in dignified living conditions.

– Healthy living conditions/ environments wherein people can learn how to take care of their children while having access to proper food, water, sanitation, education and practical care considerations to ensure no more addictions are generated due to lack of money.

– Education availability based on self-care, proper nutritional habits and taking care of the environment as well as involving the parents to rebuild the city/ houses given the necessary means to do so.

– An actual historical treasure that this country represents could be open for visits without having tourists fearing to be another causality of war or kidnapped.

– No more child prostitution or drug addiction, no more depression or suicidal bombers – the living conditions given in equality generate a sense of well being within all individuals, ensuring real happiness as an actual possibility that will never again  be silenced by the sound of a bomb.

– Ensuring a generation of human beings that learn the consequences of war and poverty as they are supported to gain stability through communal support toward the reconstruction and rehabilitation of themselves and their environment.

 

Read all about the Equal Money Capitalism here in the Economist’s Journey to Life and the Equal Money System website

Equal Money Capitalism

 

 

 

 

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161. Good Deeds as Future Investment

Continuing from 160. Pious

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘good deeds’ according to ‘doing good to another’ and within this justifying my own feeling good based on what I had done onto others, instead of realizing that everything that I do ‘onto another’ is in fact done toward self as one and equal and within this, there can be no ‘positive experience’ when directing oneself to support another the same way that I would like to be supported.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to accumulate good deeds as in doing ‘positive things’ onto others from the starting point of accumulating positive-karma and a positive reputation within the system for my own benefit, in this forgiving myself for having accepted and allowed myself to brush aside and hide the actual driving-factor to do things for my own reputation/ benefit, instead of actually doing it absolutely and unconditionally for another – within this

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be hypocritical the moment that I would not want to do something such as ‘helping someone’ but because I had to keep up my reputation of being ‘the helper/ the supporter,’ I would do it from the starting point of simply not ‘messing with my reputation,’ instead of actually being fully willing to support another as myself, which proves to what extent I would be willing to compromise myself and pretend to be ‘something’ at the eyes of others only to not ‘spoil my goodness record’ of being an actual pious person that will ‘enlighten’ those that don’t know the road to do the same themselves.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to listen to a person within wearing the ‘good person’ suit, wherein in my attempt to ‘change them,’ I would deliberately listen and waiting for the moment to erupt all the ‘negative aspects’ that I had heard them say from the puritan stance of me apparently being already ‘beyond that,’ which is part of the ‘good person’ reputation that I believed myself to be wherein I deliberately pushed aside my own experience, my own deeds, words and backchat in the moment wherein I would take such stance as there being ‘nothing wrong with me,’ and within this existing in a superiority position when supporting others as in being the ‘virtuous person that supports the impaired ones,’ which is absolutely denoting separation in all ways and part of what the masquerade of benevolence creates within oneself: “I am right, you are wrong and must be helped out”

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use points of support toward others as ‘points for my own score’ wherein I would keep score of myself being a ‘good person’ for having helped out people during the day, without ever actually proposing for example a change within the entire way that such point of conflict for many could be approached within school so that ‘I’ would not have to take on the pride and positive experience of ‘helping others,’ and instead support the educational system to be supportive for all beings equally, within the realization that if Many have the same problem, then the flaw is within the way it is being taught, instead of the problem being the beings not understanding it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to Invest on my own ‘good person’ character within the realization that within building this reputation from an early age, I would get ‘doors open’ more easily within the system in the future, wherein I was from an early age already looking forward to way, means and relationships that I would use in order to make a ‘good living,’ wherein I would go as far as supporting my classmates from that starting point of thinking that ‘Someday they will be in a position wherein they will be the ones that will be able to support me’ and within this, not being unconditionally supporting others as myself in the moment, but actually see it as a positive-credit investment to the future, wherein I was aiming at ‘using my credits’ at some point in the future whenever I wanted and If I would require such ‘gears’ in the system to my own benefit.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately seek to create ‘political relationships’ with people at school, which were not necessarily ‘friendship based,’ but going straight to the point of being in ‘good terms’ with everyone in order to get a positive reward in the future wherein I expected me to be supported by others due to me being ‘remembered’ as having been a ‘good person,’ which once again proves that I was in fact investing on my own positive-feedback within my participation in the school-system as a way to be recognized by others and as such, ensure that no matter what, people will remember me for ‘how good I was in everything I did, ‘ which is plain self-interest based type of actions, words and deeds at all times.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberate shove aside my ‘negative backchat’ toward others in the moment of interacting with them, and immediately play out this point of ‘them probably being able to support me in the future’ and as such, immediately shift my way of communicating with them to being more affable and open and ‘charismatic,’ from the starting point or vantage point of realizing that I could ‘use their friendship/ colleagueship’ later on in life in order to support ME, so I better behave in a friendly manner in order to be liked by them.

I realize that within this way of socializing – social-lies are kept from one another in what is euphemistically called ‘political relationships,’ wherein we all knew that we were building ‘relationships’ for our future and within this know before hand that we didn’t necessarily have to ‘like’ each other or be empathetic toward one another, but only see relationships as ways to climb within the system and to support each other’s interest as a way to keep ourselves ‘on top’ of society, which is what we were being trained for at school.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately be a ‘good person’ toward those that I knew had more impact within the political arena in my environment, due to believing that money and politics as part of my ‘relationships’ would be of great use in order to have someone to ‘aid me’ in the future if I ‘help them out’ at this stage- which was schooling years – and within this, from an early age learn the ways within the system of corruption and recommendations wherein things are much easier if you are supported by another in a position of power/ control within the social structure that being ‘one more in the mass,’ which is how I learned that creating a positive reputation within me toward others that I knew would be ‘potential future support’ was to my own benefit, and that helping them out ‘today’ would ensure my own help ‘tomorrow,’ which is how people in positions of power and control support each other to always remain winning, looking for one’s own benefit and position within the system, instead of actually supporting one another to be equally supported, wherein such corruption and favoritism would not have to exist any longer to be supported within the system, but instead equal opportunities as equal support being given as an unconditional living right.

 

I see and realize how I have used this point of support within my reality as a way to gain/ accumulate ‘positive points’ within my imaginary positive-feedback/ positive reputation chart, wherein I was ensuring my own survival and positioning within the system by deliberately using my ‘wits’ and ‘understanding’ in a place like school to support those that would not understand/ required help and doing so from the starting point of thinking that ‘I am helping them today but I expect to be supported by them tomorrow,’ which mostly implied people being in positions to support me to get to a certain job/ position within the identification of myself as a ‘good person’ and ‘hard working’ and ‘benevolent’ at their eyes, wherein the memories of ‘me having helped them’ throughout school would become the usage of such positive points to ensure that I am able to be supported by people, due to understanding how this world system works based on relationships and understanding the importance of school and relationships within school to create a network of support toward each other to keep us all in the same positions of power/ control/ direction according to what we were supposed to do/ be within the world system.

 

I commit myself to expose the system of values as positive and negative as the starting point of our entire personalities and beingness being driven to survive within such system basing our actions, words and deeds within the starting point of being ‘good to others’ to our own benefit within the distorted principles of supporting others the same way that one would like to be supported but using it as a way to support each other within a closed system of favoritism and recommendations used to gain or preserve certain positions within the world system wherein the majority of people have no access to such ‘colleagueism’ in order to ensure that those with already enough power/ consideration within the system, remain in such positions through being supported by those in power to remain in the same point of power above others.

 

I commit myself to stop existing within this favoritism system of ‘being a good person’ in order to await for a positive reward from my initial investment as the ‘good doer person,’ and within this actually walk the process to understand and realize how such benefits from being a ‘good person’ can only exist in a system of Inequality – therefore we can only support each other as equals within the realization that any benefit we currently experience above others is in fact a point of abuse that will no longer be able to exist once that the Equal Money System is in place and established as an actual opportunity to become an example of what giving and receiving in an unconditional manner is all about, which is supporting each other to live in dignity, supporting each other to in fact become living beings and within this realizing that there is no ‘benefit’ to await for within this all, but simply realizing that I am supporting self as one and equal and within this there is nothing to win or lose as it is part of self-support that I have decided to walk as myself within this Process of Self Realization

 

I commit myself to actually walk the principle of giving to others as one would like to receive in an absolute manner wherein there are no ‘hidden agendas’ of personal benefit to do so, and within this becoming aware of any positive-experience of upliftment or personal satisfaction as an energetic experience if such point arises in any given moment of interaction within supporting others, and instead, assist and support me to realize that there is no ‘other’ that I am supporting here but Self as one and equal, and within this, humbling myself to the point of realizing that it is only through supporting each other to get to an optimal point of expression, self-awareness and self-realization that we will in fact be able to assist and support ourselves as the whole to create a system wherein ‘good doing’ won’t exist as a positive-reputation system for one’s personal benefit, but instead become simple principles that we will all live by, wherein one’s actions, words and deeds are understood within the context of the whole being our responsibility and creation at all times.

This is how we transform the positive-thinking, positive doing as self-investment toward positive rewards in the future, to a constant realization that within giving to others as we would want to receive what’s being benefitted is not only self or the other person but Self as a whole as one and equal, and within this understanding that there will be no need to create relationships based on self-interest to maintain a certain position within the system, but instead actual empathy and understanding and relationships of physical interaction will emerge, as there will be no need to have relationships that support the perpetual positioning of only a few on top of the ‘social chain’ within a hierarchical system of values that would support only a few – but instead, the majority as the whole will learn how to support and work together as one single organism wherein any point of abuse is understood as a disease.

 

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The Familiar Nuclear Threat

“Sibling-rivalry – the nuclear family preparation for the division of the weak/strong so that the strong can be prepared to fight in the system in the game of survival of the fittest where only the strong survive” – Sunette Spies

“Thus–as a selective design of natural selection, could JEALOUSY be the undertone preprogrammed to make sure siblings will always be at each other’s throat?” Bernard Poolman

Family is the unit of the system, the ‘nucleus of society’ wherein the very basic relationships are formed once any human being arrives into this world. Such relationships determine our nature that will be ‘activated’ through interaction through our pre-laid conditions existent as part of the information acquired from both father and mother that create a clone of their own. Now, besides the entire parenting aspects and considerations that are certainly something necessary and vital to understand, we have the interactions that develop within the family between parents, between siblings and between siblings and parents. The entire hierarchical system and survival of the fittest is played out and accepted as ‘the way to live’ in this reality.

Parents do not consider the fact that the very relationship they may have toward each other will remain as a permanent imprint that will determine their children’s ability to either step out of the pattern or follow it in the exact same way throughout their life in terms of the relationship with themselves and the world. Parents often believe that children have no eyes and ears when they’re very young which is obviously not so and it actually creates fine imprints that remain suppressed yet still existent within each one.

Bullying begins at home

Who hasn’t had a ‘fight’ with a brother or sister, who hasn’t fought with their parents? I’d say if you answer ‘me’ you’re mostly not of this world as it is certainly one of the accepted and allowed ‘normal’ aspects of living with human beings that have the same blood as yourself. There you go. Siblings have the exact same blood with just different spices here and there which will essentially, by biological predisposition, become organisms that will be following the laws of ‘survival of the fittest’ wherein each one will by default try and be the one that ‘makes it’ to have the best life, to be the ‘chosen one’ by parents and society.

I can see within my own experience how favoritism became a point that I ended up accepting as a form of suppression wherein I saw myself as ‘overshadowed’ by my sisters and what I perceived as their social charms which I just couldn’t ‘trigger’ with such ‘natural ability’ myself. I would see them as my parents fulfillment of what successful women would mean and within this, because of seeing myself as ‘unfit’ to do so, I created another niche for myself to exist in/as, one that existed as the opposite of all the norms and paradigms that my parents were mostly expecting of myself. I sabotaged myself within that as it became the point wherein I began secluding myself more and more without realizing that such ‘low self esteem’ or any other belief that I had of myself as not being ‘as good as’ my sisters became the actual factor for me to become the self-created black sheep of the family.

I virtually ended up doing everything that they probably didn’t plan having in their family, I broke the schemes and made my own safe space wherein I didn’t have to compete to be ‘the best’ between my sisters because I was ‘different.’ I created for myself such alternate reality just so that I wouldn’t have to keep up with the pressure of having to become like them, just so that I wouldn’t ‘let them down’ in terms of them having any particular expectations on my life.

Eventually just as anything, my personality was resisted, questioned until it was embraced as a form of resignation actually. When I began walking this process of self honesty at Desteni, I started becoming aware of  the entire veneer that I had created for me to be ‘at ease’ with myself without ever having looked at the self-judgment point that I accepted as real which became the reason why I created a ‘harder’ version of myself.

When I was a little girl I was mostly laughed at or constantly picked upon because of how ‘innocent’ and gullible I was. My sisters would have fun making me shit scared about the dark and all the ‘unknown’ which then became an aspect that truly got a hold of me for quite a lengthy amount of time. At the same time I grew up seeing them through their teenage years and their relationships to which I remember always thinking: ‘I’m not going to be like them, I won’t play out the same drama queen, I won’t bring boyfriends home’ and several other points that I lived out as a counter-act to what I had witnessed within them.

I would have really offensive exchange of words with them when growing up. It’s fascinating how I had almost forgotten about this because of how long it’s been since I last lived with all of them in the same house, but I did create quite a grudge that I managed to suppress all the time. I can’t even remember what our problems were about, all I remember is having great problems with both my sisters at different times.

If I wouldn’t have been walking this process, I would’ve literally self-sabotaged myself in my endeavors to become the exact opposite of everything that my family could expect of myself in all ways. Right now I realize that I must create myself from a starting point of common sense and not out of spitefulness toward the nuclear family which is a threat to realizing our Equality.

Now this is only my experience, several memories suppressed to the point where I neglected that it was actually jealousy as fearing to lose the ‘love and preference of parents’ as the race/ competition that I literally stepped out of and separated myself from, creating an opposite point where I didn’t have to compete and I could be at ease with my own set of ‘preferences’ and ways of being. This was nothing else but a defense mechanism to protect me from having to go all the way in such competition.

I am aware that this plays out in all families, we’ve corroborated as well through our chats and forums wherein we are well aware that we as human beings are no different to each other – we’re all essentially programmed to play out the same conflict points to ensure that we remain trapped in such relationships of deception as the power games and competitions to be ‘the best’, the ‘fittest’ which translates into being the most successful one in terms of how the system works. Parents become then proud of those that ‘make it’ and fulfill their expectations and such point of favoritism and preference becomes evident and undeniable either through words or actions that indicate that there was never actual equality lived within the family system. 

From watching parents and their relationships that are more often than not ‘dysfunctional,’ children learn to have the same relationships toward siblings and if there are none, the actions are taken on to others in their world. It’s fascinating that people are being so scandalized by bullying rising every day more and more in schools, without realizing that kids are only playing out in school that which they’ve learned/ seen at home.

A child that sees their parents fighting, yelling or getting to points of physical and verbal abuse will develop conditions of speech impediment, insecurity, anxiety which are all fear based in terms of not being able to ‘compute’ the fact that such surreptitious violence may exist at home. Imagine this being compared to the ideals portrayed in the media wherein the kid only sees that reality does not match the apparent ‘standard’ which makes them feeling inherently ‘damned’ for not having such a ‘good loving family,’ without being able to see that the reality is that such domestic violence is almost the norm in this world and not the nice family-set ups that are portrayed on TV. Such dissonance only creates an inherent sense of being cursed for having to experience such play outs at home where blackmailing, offensive remarks and general high tonalities are used as a form of expressing discontent to one another. There has never been an actual realization of self responsibility within the family system, we must create a general awareness on how relationships are able to be walked within self responsibility and general awareness that we cannot blame anyone for what we are experiencing within ourselves.

Due to kids becoming then rather detached from reality as a defense mechanism,  leads them to not interact ‘as the rest of the kids,’ becoming easy targets to be picked up and bullied at school or any other environment, because of how they feel incapable of standing up in situations of abuse, because there is no education based on self honesty in the family system. It’s actually the adult patterns playing out in school age within kids – either the bully or the bullied – which is now making everything pretty obvious in terms of how we are all responsible for the existence of such violence.

We must stop existing in continuous cycles of suppression, spitefulness and inherent rivalry between each other at home which is where our entire life is settled upon. We require to sort out these initial relationships within ourselves and toward this family-nucleus to make sure that we stop all forms of deception within it that later on becomes ‘who we are’ within our personal life and as members of society, creating a world equally fucked in terms of accepting hierarchical schemes as ‘real’, respect as form of keeping quiet to each other to keep the comfortable status quo and a general convenience that extends to economical protection mechanisms as well as the rest of societal-benefits that are existent toward ‘families’ in between as the ‘settled’ ones – this is just because of how much benefit to the system there is when ‘raising kids’ and becoming an integral force that supports the system of abuse.

A hostile environment between members in a family is essentially the pot in which the ‘future of the world’ is usually brewed in. Therefore it is quite clear that the family system must be reformed/ corrected to consider all beings as equals, wherein actual support is given from one member to each other to develop ourselves to the fullest potential.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in pretense where everything is ‘its right place’ without realizing how I created myself as the counter act to such false pretension and in this, existing as the acceptance of such pretense of ‘everything is fine’ being actually so.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to neglect the fact that I created myself out of being an opposite to my family and in this, seeing myself as unfit to fill the idea of ‘everything is fine’ and ‘normality’ yet in essence, still subduing myself to fit a pattern that I can take as ‘my own’ in opposition, without seeing it came out of spitefulness toward the family system.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately sabotage myself just so that I didn’t have to ‘strive’ any further to ‘conquer’ the ideal position that was promoted within my family system.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exist as a deliberate ‘deviation’ from my family which proves that I played out the ‘atheist’ so to speak wherein I am still defined by the idea of ‘how I must be’ according to what the familiar standard is/was by becoming the opposite of it, the denial of it and within this, pretending that I ‘found my place’ while in fact I created it for the sake of not having to struggle with fitting in and fulfilling others’ ideas and expectations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘all is well’ in the family where in fact, there’s been an underlying rivalry all the way which I took on as an opportunity to stand outside of the mold, as a form of bailing myself out from such ideals – yet in essence formed from the idea that I am not able or capable/ suitable enough to be/ become that which others want me to be.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create such a dependency on how I was being perceived within the family to the point of thinking that it is all revolving around myself, therefore feeling like ‘I could not keep up with the high expectations’ upon me, eventually resorting to ‘break the pattern’ and step out of the competition to be the ‘best’ within the family.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to act in deliberate ways to keep the status quo, to not place things into the fire for the sake of seeing ‘what may burn’ which is in essence forgiving myself for fearing creating conflict that could turn into my own detriment as the safety net that family provides – in essence still allowing myself to be trapped within the entire manipulation existent within it.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be affected surreptitiously about the fact that I knew I wasn’t ‘the favorite one’ and in this, accepting my side as the ‘relegated’ one in the family, yet finding a comfort in it because I could be ‘in my own place’ without having others to compete with.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create myself out of a definition of how others would see and define me within their own value-schemes, without realizing that I am not that which others see and perceive about me, I am not that which I still believe I am as an image, personality and memory-system of various experiences that can only stem as a limitation/ definition to who I realize I am.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be ‘overshadowed’ by the ‘grace’ that my sisters showed to others wherein I saw myself as incapable of being equal to – therefore becoming the ‘black sheep’ as a deliberate way to step out of such competition.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deny the fact that any form of jealousy existed toward my sisters as a way of not realizing that the entirety of myself has been created as a counter-act in polarity of what they are/ represent within the family structure.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to accept myself as inferior to my sisters because of their ability to create experiences within me that I could not ‘control’ when I was a little girl – hence becoming a complete separate pattern of what they ‘are’ so that I could not participate in their games any longer.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be jealous of my sisters because of how they would be socially-appealing and graceful wherein I saw myself as unfit to be that, making of myself then the counter act so that I didn’t have to ‘compete’ with them to be ‘better than’ and in that, accepting a perceived ‘inferior position’ wherein I didn’t have to play the game – yet remaining within this inferiority self-perception.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there was only ‘space’ for someone being ‘outstanding’ within the family system and in that, giving away the ability that I had to become a self-perfected human being because of accepting myself as ‘flawed’ specifically when comparing myself to my sisters and others within the family system.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create my own survival mechanism by ‘getting of of the game’ and becoming an ‘unfit player’ for such game which is then how I created myself as the opposite and counter act to my sisters so that I could have ‘my own place’ in reality and feel ‘ok’ within it.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel bullied by my sisters when growing up and in that, generating resentment toward them because of how ‘mean’ they were to me, which I then used as a form of ‘seeing myself as better than’ once that I created that ‘safe place’ for myself where I didn’t have to fit in their schemes anymore.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ‘place the other cheek’ whenever I was bullied by my sisters and within this, accepting myself as inferior, as flawed and as too feeble to stand up for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately suppress the anger and sadness caused within the sisters’ relationship just so that pretending wouldn’t seem such a ludicrous game to play as a family.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘inadequate’ within my family and not-accepted, therefore resorting to seek people in my world where I could be ‘accepted’ and ‘liked/ loved’ for ‘what I was’ which was nothing else but a counter act to the accepted norm within the family system – therefore seeking for others that would feel the exact same way to resort in similar misery with each other.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that my ‘friends’ were my ‘real family’ wherein I actually created my new definition of what ‘family is’ which is a mutual acceptance through deliberate manipulation to remain as the idea/ image of that which we like in each other, keeping the status quo of that inherent self rejection and never willing to support us to actually Live.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘bad’ whenever I had to realize the actual manipulation and lies/ deception going on in between the family members, which I could only witness and keep quiet about so that I wouldn’t form any discord in the moment.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be affected by others’ comments in the family toward me being ‘a bug’ in the family and within that, becoming even more self righteous within my self created black-sheep suit.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to never realize I was only spiting myself and no one else within this self created opposition toward a system that I now see and realize I cannot allow myself to continue being influenced by in terms of defining myself according to it.

Okay, so far several points debunked – it’s all in the family, everyone’s got a similar story so I suggest you dare to investigate for yourself how yours went.

Thanks for reading.

fakesmile


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