Tag Archives: fearing

470. Exploring the Word Resilience

Or how to consider the physical properties of our bodies in worst case scenarios and facing manifested consequences

There’s a particular set of things that at times becomes difficult for us humans in general to accept and embrace, and that’s all the many manifested consequences that we’ve created in this world as a result of an entire creation process that has been happening from our very origin into existence. By now it’s clear to see that whenever we look at how things seem to be going haywire in the world system, in our personal lives, in our relationships, in our societies, one usual reaction is either fight or flight it – which means we either become angry, antagonistic, blameful and spiteful about it, wanting to seek out culprits everywhere else but ‘forget’ to look inside oneself – or one flights it with positivity-mindsets, drugs/alcohol, religion or spirituality that seeks to ‘scape from this world’ or ‘ascend’ or one opts to simply not ‘mind’ a thing about the world at all – and with these two mechanisms we are failing to do something which is to recognize our responsibility, our undeniable participation in the co-creation of yes, this mess we’re in – which at the same time of course holds a lot of potential if we dare to see through the mess as well.

But here focusing on what comes after one has understood one’s participation in this reality co-creation process? What can one do once that one has made peace within the fact that it is futile to fight or flight these manifested consequences, all that is left is to continue living and working on understanding the problems while working at the same time on solutions. This is – however – easier said than done.

So, here what assists a lot is the recognition of our very own life that is not the one that has caused all the problem, that is very physically here existing as our body that has actually been a primary instrument of self-support to keep ourselves alive, relentlessly, resiliently while we are usually going about our lives facing our reality/our creation with fears, being ‘taken over’ by all kinds of experiences of friction and conflict most of our time, instead of focusing on the stability and consistency that the physical body is here showing us, existing as a very solid proof of what ‘being alive’ is all about. But we rarely consider our bodies and that has been one of the biggest ‘failures’ we’ve done as human beings, we’ve underestimated ourselves too much because of focusing too much ‘up there’ in our heads only.

What does this mean in the context of facing manifested consequences? That we have a choice in facing the inevitable such as difficult times, situations, experiences that are a direct outflow of us creating an inner and outer reality that is certainly not safe, not healthy, not grounded in living values and principles – and therefore what do we know? We still have a choice: do we decide to continue fighting reality or flying away from it – OR do we decide to make a self-commitment within ourselves, so that no matter ‘what’ goes on as hardships of all kinds in our reality, we can decide to be our body, to be resilient, to keep persevering, to be grounded ‘no matter what’ happens around us, no matter what ‘natural disaster’ falls upon us, no matter how little money we might be left with in an economic crisis, to be able to adapt to circumstances, to not fear ‘letting go’ of something but realize as long as I am here and breathing, I am alive, there’s potential, there’s ways to continue walking – and then deciding that ‘this is what I decide to be in any worst case scenario’ and this doesn’t mean looking at ‘world disasters’ out there, but can be in personal difficulties that can exist as our worst-case scenario too, both are equally part of what we create and face inside ourselves.

So what does this practically mean? That I can decide to be taken over by fear, by anxiety, by an emotional breakdown and give myself into my mind entirely – OR I can decide to hold on to this resilience that my physical body is representing to me, how it can endure more than we have probably considered or thought of possible, and so honor those physical properties by making them our own way of experiencing ourselves inside of ourselves.

A great example is this word resilience, where by now with all the internal and external pollution caused by ‘external factors’ and internal factors like our mind participation, our bodies could be in much worse condition that they are = they have shown to us their ability to adapt, to be flexible, to endure such inner and outer hardship we’ve imposed onto it, it has shown that even if we impose constant stress, fear, anxiety, worries, imaginations, fantasies onto it, it remains ‘in one piece’ as we say here, it keeps standing up, it has its own means and ways to support itself and clear out stuff that we cause onto it in ways that we cannot even begin to understand or be aware of.

Therefore, I can consider here that whenever we get overwhelmed by chaos, mess, insecurity and a general state of instability in the outside, we have to remind ourselves to look back into our own physical – hence the reference of breath/breathing as a first point of support: it is happening right here on our chest, it is constant, it is consistent, it is our vital signal that we many times become oblivious from when we give too much attention to ‘things out there’ and react to it, which causes yet another layer of strain onto our physical body.

So, consider self-first, we are of no use to ‘change the world’ or ‘fix the situation’ out there in an emotionally wrecked state, in a deteriorated state in our bodies due to being ‘too emotional’ about something. What I’d do is first stabilize myself, make sure I am honoring my physical body’s resilience and embody that myself at a mind level, realizing that I am not defined by failing at a particular outcome, but I am defined by who do I decide to be until the very last breath of my life. This might sound fatalist, but it isn’t really, this same approach can be applied to facing very rough/hard situations OR it can be applied in our day to day living where we decide who we are and what we are focusing onto/giving our breath our life to.

Here I remind myself and leave it clear that no fear, no anger, no worrying and preoccupation can do a thing to sort out anything in this world. Any idea or belief I may have of ‘demon-strating care’ through becoming emotional about something is simply a thing of the mind, not of life. Life as the physical body that you and I have is resilient, is adaptable, is flexible, perseveres, is consistent, is forgiveness in nature – but it can only ‘hold’ so much as well and that’s for us to define to what extent we continue ‘digging our own graves’ or when we start to instead honor, embrace and be actually appreciating the life and each breath that we have and use it for that purpose, for Living! Not focusing only on all things ‘out there’ that we don’t have a direct hold of – we decide what we make of our every day, our time and what we do in our capabilities and possibilities in our very own lives.

Therefore, a reminder of the resilience that life in itself has proven to be and that exists as and within me as well if I accept and allow myself to live it as who I am. It’s no different to the matrix option really, do we decide to keep being enslaved in our minds, fears, in the chaos and mayhem presented in the world and conspiracies and media and end of the world scenarios – or do I decide to focus on the very breath, life and potential that here as myself as my very own choices of words, thoughts and deeds that I can direct and have a responsibility to use, embody and stand on for supportive purposes, not only for me but for others.

What I have to align entirely to that physicality is my mind, make use of it as the tool it is to create solutions, seek alternatives, relate and communicate with others to envision solutions, because that’s what we’re all here for really – and that I can trust myself with, my ability to see alternatives, solutions, find ways because there is a will to walk through it all.

See how timely this point for me is because once that I let go of my ‘quick fix’ scenario I described in past blogs – which aimed at ‘the destruction of all so as to not have to face/live through consequences – now I can then make a sober, clear and much more realistic decision of who I decide to be in the face of what’s here for the rest of my life and existence probably – we’re in this for the long run, therefore, best way is to nurture, care for my body, listen to it, while learning from it at the same time, it’s always ‘in our nose’ this point of physical reminder, but it takes our will, diligence and discipline to step out of the mind to stick to physicality and self-awareness and that’s what will get us through no matter what. That’s my take, what’s your take?

Thanks for reading.

 

A Must Read Classic:

Manifested Consequence – Lao Tzu

 

Resilience

Groundbreaking 2008

 

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176.Imagining the worst case scenario: Obstacles to Protect Self Interest

Continuing with Procrastination CharacterImagination and the reactions to it

You can read more about the exploration within the Imagination dimension in the following blog: 169. Imagination as a Distraction to Not Do things

 

Now, I have walked the thought-dimension of the image of the office and me creating an experience of dread and further anxiety due to the ‘impending doom’ of actually having to confront the professor with my writing itself.

Then there is the other imagination point which is a future projection moment wherein I am facing all the ‘jury’ and presenting my work and expecting the worst which in this case would be them pointing out that my work has nothing to do with my career.

The third point of imagination is having to go through all the ‘paper work’ go get this done, from printing the document to all the necessary permits and letters and all of that scholar bureaucracy that I have also resisted to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within giving energy to the thought of me being at the office, start ‘rolling the imagination’ and playing out a future possibility of my professor simply pointing out that such writing is not acceptable/ is nowhere near finished, and that I have to re-do it all over again wherein I create an experience within my mind within this imagination moment of anxiety and absolute petrification because this means that I have to actually re-do the whole thing again, without realizing that this worst case scenario is only revealing to me how I am entertaining my mind and how I am allowing one single point of imagination to prevent me from actually simply physically doing it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as incompetent and not good enough when confronting my work with my professor, partly because of fearing that I won’t satisfy the praising of art based on the belief that I have with regards to me having to ‘praise my career’ in such paper, instead of actually realizing that this is my opportunity to be self honest and that as such, this self-investigation does not have to be compromised in any way – I also realize that I am within this participation in imagination, making everything a lot more than what it actually is which is just a protocol aspect of finishing a career, wherein instead, I have allowed myself to go into/ sink into anxiety and fear and what if’s, entertaining me in my mind with all these negative future possible outcomes as imagination, which I have used as an excuse to simply not do anything at all about it.

I realize that within this fear I also immediately realize it for ‘what it is’ and then, a laxity comes after this whole play out wherein it is as if I’ve become ‘comfortably numb’ so to speak with regards to this situation, which actually not acceptable as it is once again, just another way of me giving into energy that seems ‘harmless’ because I am not actively participating in fear, but within that seemingly ‘stable’ calmness I have created my own ‘sedative’/ chill pill within my mind wherein I simply stop looking at those thoughts BUT, instead of moving and taking the opportunity and moment to actually MOVE, I instead leave it for later which is then a point that is revealing to what extent I have made ‘okay’ within my mind to simply not work on this, which is actually based on actual fears emerging within  the imagination and an actual anxiety experienced that I have managed to ‘stop’ in a moment, however it obviously returns because the physical correction is not being done, which means: I can stop fear in the moment as an experience within the entire imagination, and I can stop participating in imagination – however, the point returns and will return as long as I don’t simply do it.

 

When and as I see myself going into imagination point of talking within my professor’s office and hearing the words that indicate that I have to do it all over again, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this imagination is only an excuse for me to actually not do it based on fears and future projections and whatnot which is simply a point of distraction instead of actually DOING IT. I also realize that I can stop the imagination and I can stop the reaction in one breath, however, this same image will continue haunting me as long as I don’t actually DO IT and give it physical direction – this is how I see and realize that no matter if we stop all our participation in thoughts, backchat and imagination and reactions, if we don’t do it, such stopping will simply be another chill pill/ instant placebo remedy wherein we actually then participate in the ‘positive imagination’ in order to make it alright and get back to the ‘feeling good/ better about myself’ in my reality through talking to myself about things that I am doing/ that I can do instead/ that I would ‘rather do’ instead of committing myself to this task.

I commit myself to stop the laxity that comes after relieving myself from these reactions and future play outs within the realization that yes, I am participating in my mind and that is not required in order to do things –however it takes an actual physical movement to ensure that I do not remain the laxity toward my compromise to get this done and believe that ‘fear is just for further self-control’ wherein I talk myself into reasoning why creating fears is simply not necessary to do things, however remain without doing them – thus I commit myself to stop fooling myself when it comes to this ‘stability’ that I know and realize is also a cover up to the actual anxiety that has been suppressed about this point by my own procrastination toward it based on ‘reasoning’ the doing instead of physically doing it.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the future projection/ imagination point of being in that room where examinations take place and being facing a series of people looking at me with a ‘what the fuck’ face, and going into fear because of realizing that my work is not directly linked to ‘art creation’ itself but more of a self-creative process wherein I am my own prime matter – within this creating a reaction of absolute fear and anxiety when projecting myself within this imagination and going into further backchat – which I will explore later –wherein I while being here and imagining all these aspects, go into fear, shut down everything related to ‘doing that work’ and instead focus in ‘something else’ that must be done, which is me then using other responsibilities as an excuse to not do this, while fully seeing how it is linked to this mind-creation of rejection by the academy toward my work.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be pessimistic about my work, myself and my presentation toward others, wherein while imagining myself presenting my work with others, I see myself trying to sound ‘convincing’ to others and fearing them just not ‘buying it’ without realizing that I don’t have to be convincing others in order to present myself, my writing, talking about it and replicating with common sense at all times

When and as I see myself using the future projection of being in the examination room with people and believing that they are rejecting/ not buying my explanation and me going into absolute nervousness and stumbling upon my own words – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am only creating this worst case scenario in my mind as an excuse to actually not Do things  – thus

I commit myself to stop pondering about the ‘what ifs’ and instead commit myself to do it, as I see and realize that it must be done no matter how long it takes – I have to get it done.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an experience of disgust and even tiredness whenever I imagine having to go here and there and print and move with lots of permits and paperwork to get this done, wasting money/ time which I have considered as being very ‘valuable’ within me –without realizing that this is one of the aspects of walking the system, or realizing how things work and function whenever one decides to get a proper title and also realizing that I am making it a lot more in my head based on what other people would tell me with regards to ‘all the time it takes’ and ‘all the paperwork’ which I have created as this foggy load in the back of my head when imagining myself having to go through the same process due to me believing that it will just be ‘too much,’ which is how I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself based on the Idea that I create of something/ a particular task, instead of simply focusing on Doing it physically and walking through the necessary points breath by breath, as this is how I have also walked an entire career already  – breath by breath, walking Through it and not wasting my breaths hooking onto the ‘experience’ of going through it.

When and as I see myself imagining the entire process of going to all these offices with bright white light and waiting, and sitting and moving around from campus to campus in order to get the papers done and making it an absolute ‘brick’ on the top of my head wherein I go into this heaviness and dread and apathy to do it, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is part of the points that I must walk through in order to get things done – thus I stop judging, I stop listening to the voices of the memories that indicated/ told me about how ‘dreadful’ and ‘tiresome’ and ‘annoying’ this whole process was which I have used as an excuse to simply not do it at all, which is unacceptable since I am simply at the very last stage of getting this done and as such, I cannot ruin it all just by one single imagination aspect of me having to go through all of these things and making it a lot more than what it in fact is in my mind.

I commit myself to stop participating in the imagination play out of me going to all of these offices and institutional dependencies from the university in order to get the necessary paperwork and instead focus on me walking every step breath by breath and realizing that there are No Shortcuts to this, it must be done, it can be done and it is simply one aspect of the entire process of me walking through this entire phase of my career, unconditionally.

 

I see and realize that this means that I don’t have to create a future projection of getting something done the way that ‘I want to get it done’ which is base on my exigencies of wanting everything to be done perfectly, without any ‘obstacles’ and without any ‘objections’ from others which is then part of the ‘controller’ personality that I see and realize will be part of debunking this entire process which is in essence wanting everything to be done ‘perfectly’ and ‘fine’ with no problems/ no flaws without realizing that this is all existent as this ‘immaculate process’ within my mind instead of actually physically dedicating myself to do it.

 

So how can I be holding on to this imagination and thinking about this point being done ‘perfectly’ and ‘without any objections’ if I am not practically and physically simply doing it?

 

I see and realize how much we can fool ourselves in fears and imaginations and future projections as a justification to not do things, whereas if we had our physical body deciding to imagine how ‘awful’ it would be to digest our food the following day, or having to process a physical activity and becoming fearful of having to ooze the toxins while working out or having to digest and poop out our food, we would be dead as nothing in our physical organism would be / get done – thus if I am standing up for Life in Equality – I equalize myself as my physical body that is unconditional to move and physically function 24/7 every single day as long as I am breathing here – and that’s the reality of physicality – I stop participating in bullshit alternate realities of the mind as ‘obstacles’ of self interest

Ludicrous and must stop here – but this will continue lol

 

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Blogs:

Character Dimensions – PHYSICAL/BEHAVIOUR Dimension (Part 3): DAY 176

Day 176: After Death Communication – Part 25 A History with Life After Death – Part 10

 

Interviews:

The Soul of Money – Part 37

The Soul of Money – Part 36


102: Communication Noise: Parental Communication

Within looking at specific examples of how I would turn a moment of interaction/ communication with others, I can see how the positive and negative experiences that I have held toward people have been based upon whether the communication was suiting a particular preference/ ideal of a ‘good time’ or not.

The communication that goes on with our parents –or the lack thereof – defines one big chunk of our lives in relation to how we then perceive communication to be either a positive or a negative experience, which involves a set of factors that have to be clarified in order to see how much of our expression is actually tainted and conditioned by factors that go beyond a sheer compatibility aspect – but involve familial, economic, social and cultural standards that are shaped according to ‘how reality works’ within this world system.

 

A point I’ll be walking is a particular way of communicating with my father with whom I spent less time with throughout my life in terms of engaging in conversations and having only specific moments/ events as patterns that repeated throughout our interaction when I was living with them at home.

 

Thus, within exposing the factors behind our communication the point is to see how the way we define a person in our reality is based on the bonds that are formed with them according to, in this case, familial bonds wherein the financial aspect of support is/ was dependent on.

 

Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate the communication with my father in the car as usual/ routinely and filled with complains, wherein I know that he will agree with me because of him being similar to myself which is how I have defined communication according to a format-like questionnaire based on survival-questions that lead to short answers that ensure we simply communicate ‘what’s necessary’ and avoid talking anything out of the usual: money, weather, traffic, work and school.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel obliged to react positively to his question about me getting enough money to live throughout the week, which is how and why I would keep the communication in ‘good stand’ as this will ensure that I can continue getting his support as in being a ‘good daughter’ that is able to have a cordial relationship with their parents.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react negatively toward him ‘always asking the same questions’ wherein I am only wanting to have things ‘go my way’ in communication, while being annoyed because of having to explain myself and answering the same questions over and over again, apparently, which wasn’t really so as I was really only making a big deal out of it in my mind as unnecessary friction and conflict by sticking to the same pattern I would complain about, without realizing that I am in fact able and capable of stepping out of the usual script and establish a real point of communication with another, regardless of ‘who they are’ in my world.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to initiate communication with my father based on experiencing a sense of tension and discomfort within myself, which is how I have compromised my communication toward others wherein I place them as certain characters that I depend on to survive and as such, I act according to how I have judged the characters as a ‘necessity’ in my reality – which is how I created my own barriers to ever communicate with my father/ parents based on an equal and one relationship, as I always saw them as the ‘authority’ that I had to respect and keep a ‘good standard’ toward, just like a credit account relationship: you keep your account in ‘good standing’ in order to be able to get more credit/ be trust worthy in order to continue surviving in our world and reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this point of compromise within myself which adds up to all the relationships in our world that are based on self-interest and in sustaining the same world-system wherein because of money and the relationships that are required in order to survive- in this case family-structure – we compromise each other to deceive and manipulate in order to continue being supported and ‘secured’ in a world wherein that which is required to live is not given unconditionally.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get uncomfortable within remaining silent when being with another being in a car, which I have associated this with previous experiences wherein I would fear ending up in silence due to experiencing the same discomfort about it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because we remained in silence I had to keep up a conversation out of fear of having ‘nothing to say’ and that I would be judged for having ‘nothing to say,’ which was only a belief and perception as I in fact am able to establish a point of communication openly once that I start seeing ‘my parent’s as human beings that are able to communicate out of the format-like bounds of father/ mother characterization.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into self judgment because of wishing I could have done something out of the routine to tell to another in means of creating a point of conversation, which is essentially a point of compromise out of fear of being seemingly ‘detached’ from the family/ not caring about them and as such, losing my father’s support to live.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use music as a positive solution in ‘tense situations’ wherein my decision to enjoy it or not would be based on whether I was feeling compromised in the moment or not in a moment of communication that I perceive being staged and ‘format like’ from the get go.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base an entire moment in my reality based on whether I was liking a particular type of music in order to define ‘who I will be’ within the communication according to whether I wanted to be complacent/ talkative or not – within this I realize how I would place conditions as to ‘who I am’ according to my own interests and suiting the moment to benefit me at all times.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate ‘formal communication’ as politeness that I was ‘forced to’ instead of it being my actual decision to interact with visitors at home, wherein I would immediately react with discomfort when being called out to interact with others, without realizing that in fact it was fear of being later on scolded if I didn’t comply to my mother’s desires.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a grudge toward my mother for ‘having forced me to do things,’ without realizing that the moment that I accepted fear as a motivation to do so, I complied to her will and as such became a victim in my mind based on how I feared making my mother angry = losing my mother’s support at home.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the interaction with visitors as a negative experience based on my starting point for such interaction in the first place, wherein I went into a defense-mode just because of believing and perceiving that I was being ‘dragged’ into the communication without me in fact wanting and/ or being fully willing myself to interact with others unconditionally, but did it based on feeling obliged to, which is why and how I would create and project thoughts about others’ experience toward the point of communication with myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a negative experience toward my mother whenever visitors would come home because of remembering how I was always forced to go downstairs and interact ‘against my will,’ without realizing that I simply complied to participate every time out of fear, out of not wanting to be scolded and/ or exposed in front of the visitors as this ‘ranch person’ that does not like communicating with others.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then judge silence as a positive experience with my partners in the past based on the memory of how irritated and angry I would get when having to interact in ‘forced communication’ with others, without realizing that such enjoyment was a polarity experience to the past – hence it wasn’t never really a positive experience, but only a counter part to a negative experience I’ve had in the past with my family members.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having chosen partners that were deliberately the type of opposite ‘stereotypes’ from the people that I knew my mother wanted me to end up with in a relationship, which became a spiteful pattern that had to be played out in secret, just because of how my mother would disapprove from the partners I had, which was both a negative experience for having to be hiding – a positive experience based on how I would feel like I was finally ‘rebelling’ to the obliged experiences I went through with my mother, without realizing that I was then only acting and making decisions in spitefulness toward my mother and never in fact making an informed decision based on what is best for me to be and do within the consideration with whom it is best for me to establish a relationship with, without holding on the anti-stereotype of ideal partner in order to annoy my mother as I have realized how within wanting to spite my mother = I only ended up spiting myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately play ‘the silent one’ when being out with my mother just because of knowing how she would always push me to communicate with people and enjoys talking, generally, which was who I was within the ‘rebellious character’ that held a huge grudge toward her because of not having ‘approved’ of the relationships I created in my life. Thus I became the ‘rebel’ just to prove her that I could do things ‘my way’ without requiring her permission, only later on realizing that because my starting point of such relationships was based on spitefulness = I ended up spiting myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a point of ‘positive experience’ whenever I was able to establish communication with my father in a silent manner, which means for example: being able to ride in the car listening to music that we both liked, which would ensure a positive silent experience without realizing that in such moment, I was only keeping things ‘okay’ in order for us to not go into further points of communication that could turn out more insidious in terms of actually getting to know each other and as such, lose the ground of the format like communication between father and daughter

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately control a particular moment of interaction with another based on ‘who they are’ within my world as the character they represent in my reality, wherein I will then adjust, manipulate, shape and mold my expression in a way to ensure that my survival is not threatened, as I knew that if I presented myself as detached or even sharing myself too openly, I would have to take responsibility for my words and the consequences thereof.

 

Self Corrective Statements:

When and as I see myself deciding ‘who I will be’ in a point of communication according to who I perceive the other being to be as a particular character within my life/environment – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am able to practically establish a point of communication to any other being based on common sense: the realization that we are human beings that live in the same world, facing the same consequences of our creation and as such, I see that communication in common sense as self support is the key to establish a point of awareness within myself and another of an actual way to interact and share that which is usually suppressed under shallow talk.

 

I commit myself to be and become the example of how communication can be established without holding any ‘character’ in place, but instead, establish a platform of self support for myself and another being regardless of ‘who the being is’ as I realize that the moment that I assess ‘who’ they are, limitations, barriers and obstacles are created in the mind according to what I have deemed as appropriate/ inappropriate to share with others. I establish myself as the point of unconditional expression in order to support myself and others to do the same and as such, practically change the way we interact with one another.

 

When and as I see myself manipulating my communication in order to get a positive experience and/ or remain in a ‘good stand’ toward the other person, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am able to in fact step out of the point of compromise through allowing myself to share and communicate openly, without fearing losing any form of support, as I realize that only a threat toward another could cause any form of conflict – thus I realize that any fear that I had used in the past in order to not communicate with people in my family was only based on the ‘fear’ of ‘who I am’ toward them, which was manipulating, shaping and molding myself in order to not step out of character completely.

 

When and as I see myself deciding ‘who I am’ in a point of interaction with another based on wanting to be agreeable or distant in the moment to demonstrate my standing toward another being in that moment, I stop and I breathe – I realize that the times that I remain quiet as self-suppression means that I am in fact not genuinely having ‘nothing to say,’ but that I am deliberately suppressing myself because of fear of exposing myself, fear of establishing communication with another ‘out of the usual script,’ which is how I had bound myself to remain as a locked-door at all times, simply because of believing that my very life would be ‘at risk’ if I would enable me to be open and sharing in an equal manner toward other beings.

 

When and as I see myself experiencing tension when remaining silent during a conversation, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is not real silence then, but self-suppressive silence that I can open up for myself in order to see how and why I have manipulated myself and within that realize that the point of correction is not to remain silent out of fear or deliberate self-suppression, but is instead direct myself to speak in the moment according to that which emerges in common sense from within me that I find it cool to share in/as self support.

 

When and as I see myself deliberately hiding to not face people in my environment in order to avoid communication, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I have created such a resistance based on the idea, belief and perception that ‘I must interact with them,’ which is stemming from the memory of my mother asking me to do this when I was a child.

 

When and as I see myself feeling compelled to speak, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is a usual mechanism of self-manipulation wherein I am in fact not being self directive as in making the decision to live, but I am in fact only wanting to restrict myself to a certain type of communication with another from the starting point of reaction.

 

When and as I see myself being forced/ dragged along to communicate – I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is a mechanism wherein I am only manipulating myself to interact with others based on the belief that ‘others made me do it,’ as if I had not the voice and ability to decide who I am going to be communicating with and clearing the starting point of it at all times.

 

When and as I see myself categorizing silence as a form of communication based on having suppressed an actual point of expression in fear of ‘getting out of character,’ I stop and I breath, I realize that the point of enjoyment of such silence stems from us actually playing out the same ‘silent character’ wherein we only talk the necessary and prefer to ‘be silent in our minds’ instead of sharing our self-experience, our day today living circumstances, as I realize that communication is the key to get to know ourselves and others in order to become effective within all that we do.

 

When and as I see myself imprinting a particular character to my communication, such as being the ‘daughter,’ or being the ‘rebellious’ one, I stop and I breathe – I realize that who we are as human beings are able to care for one another without having to play a character in someone’s mind in order to exist.

 

This is to realize how instead of having allowed myself to communicate myself unconditionally, I simply became pliable and manipulated myself in order to ensure that my survival – in this case financial support by my father – was not able to be disturbed/ damaged if I would establish a point of communication in equality, because of an underlying fear and limitation wherein I believed that I could not possibly communicate in equality with my father, because of having placed him as ‘my authority’ and as such, I had to tip toe around our communication, keeping it ‘safe’ in order to not create any ‘unnecessary’ friction or conflict, without realizing that in this I simply refrained myself from being able to establish a point of equality with my father which is in fact a possibility to establish once that I have directed myself to talk to both of them as equals, outside of the father/ mother relationship I had caged them into.

 

I realize how communication is limited and restricted by oneself whenever there are other interests and familial aspects existing as a character limitation that is defined according to how we have built our societal hierarchies between parents and children, wherein we bind ourselves to only see another person as a character in our own life-schemes instead of considering them as one and equal.

 

I see, realize and understand that we will be able to in fact communicate as equals when and as we realize that the family system only exists as another form of compromise and enslavement to keep a system of hierarchy in place – therefore within establishing beings in an equal and one stance toward one another, we see that we are in fact able to become much more than just characters surviving each other in the old-familiar ways and instead, get to know ourselves as who we really are, as beings that are able to instead practically establish solutions for our accepted and allowed ‘differences’ and as such, become part of the new way of living on Earth.

 

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Equal Money System so that our relationships and communication won’t ever be tainted by a relationship of survival any longer.

 

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