Tag Archives: fears when communicating

February 25, 2017

518. Learning To Listen

By Marlen

Yesterday there was a very cool discussion that opened up in a group chat about communication and what happens when one shares a bit ‘too much’ from the get go with a person as in talking too much in a little amount of time, as well as not listening to our interlocutor, resulting in what could be defined mostly as a one-way sharing and possibly overwhelming the person or people we’re talking with.

This topic brought me to remember a few situations where whenever I’ve found that there’s a topic that I am genuinely interested on and it gets opened up by someone I am talking to, there’s this sort of excitement in me that ‘rushes to my head’ to ‘tell all that I know about that’ in that moment – and in this ‘excitement’ that goes up to my head, I end up getting in an experience that I define as becoming ‘too intense.’

What’s this ‘intensity’ about? This is related specifically to sharing about topics that are in one way or another having to do with this process that I’m walking, with investigations or information that I’ve defined as being of my interest such as human relationships, self-improvement, world-system improvement, understanding ourselves at deeper levels of our awareness at a mind and body level – in essence the kind of topics I am usually looking at within myself and conversing about with other people on a daily basis.

Therefore, whenever I get to open up about these topics with a relatively ‘new’ person in my life for the first time, I’ve noticed how there’s this sort of excitement where the thoughts are related to having to share with them ‘as much as I can in the least amount of time’ – lol, which is definitely a flawed perception where I start speeding my speech and possibly sharing a bit too many details based on this notion of ‘sharing it all’ to a person.  Here then based on those thoughts, I am driving myself in this ‘intensity’ and ‘velocity’ to share fueled by a perception that ‘this is the one and only time I’ll ever be able to open up this subject with this person so I rather use this time wisely’.

However it is in fact a flawed perception because I’ve found that in having this perception of ‘having to rush’ or ‘use this one window of opportunity to open up these topics with this person,’ I am quite sure that at times I have ended being quite overwhelming for others, which defeats the whole purpose of communication.

This implies that I have to step down from my excitement-bandwagon whenever encountering opportunities to open up conversations about topics or subjects ‘that I like,’ so that’s a flag-point for me to be aware of.

Another one is where I notice that this excitement becomes an overall physical sensation where I invariably end up speeding up my speech and in doing so – due to the excitement and the notion of ‘time is against me’ – I try and compact large subjects by giving away the most ‘impressive details’ in order to retain the attention from the other individual in the subject, which doesn’t work at all  either, because it is actually being done from the starting point of ‘fearing that the other person will lose interest’ and in that, compromise the whole communication to ‘give away cliff hangers’ that can end up being quite confusing because of not considering how new this approach I am trying to explain can be to another person.

Now all of this experience specifically only opens up in those subjects that I am more personally interested on or that spark my curiosity in a way, which can be a point of opening up my expression with another, a ‘common ground’ if you will in things that I’ve considered being ‘my field of expertise.’ In this, my expression can become a bit too bubbly, which means that I can practice ‘cooling down’ a bit to ensure that I am not running on this ‘high’ or ‘excitement’ energy, but that I can breathe and settle in my body so that I then get back to the physical and natural pace that I can usually be at in any other kind of topics or conversations.

Whenever I see that I am getting a bit too excited or curious about a topic I am discussing with a person for the first time, I have to focus on my breathing, get back to a physical awareness of my own body so that I can ‘settle back’ in myself while also learning to listen to the other person or people in what they have to say and deliberately ‘contain’ myself whenever I want to reply too quickly or go into great depths too fast, too soon, too quickly with too much information towards the person.

Here I have to consider the context of the situation and instead of perceiving that ‘this is my last chance to talk to them about this topic,’ I can instead first get to know ‘where they’re at’ in relation to the topic or point that is being opened up, get to know them first through their words so that I can at the same time reply back with the intent of following through what they are sharing to me – and not within the attempt to ‘correct’ them or ‘lay out all the knowledge and information on that subject’ and giving it all too fast and too quick that can lead to confusion, overwhelmingness or a sense of ‘imposing’ myself towards the other person or people, which of course can lead to general communication disasters, lol.

I have to ensure that I am also slowing down in my diction in situations like these, where in my mind I am looking at the ‘whole’ construction of what I want to share and then try and speak all of that in one go to the other person, which results – yes, just like sometimes it happens in these blogs – in elongated sentences that might be difficult to grasp for another in one go, especially when introducing new concepts, ideas, considerations or perspectives that might be a bit harder to digest than any other ‘regular subject.’

So in essence, I have to let go of the ‘fears’ that are existing behind this notion of a ‘one time opportunity’ to communicate about certain topics with people, and instead be considerate of their ‘allocation’ in themselves, learn to ask more questions to see ‘where they’re at’ in relation to their awareness of that topic and share bits – instead of long threads of information – ask in a rather frequent manner if it makes sense and if it is understandable, so that if not, I can look at other ways in which I can explain the same points using different vocabulary or expressions – in essence, fine tuning my expression.

And as a last pointer here simply being more considerate to Listen to the other person, slow down at their pace of sharing, make questions that are simple to digest instead of getting ‘too deep too soon’ at a first-time approach.

At the same time, I have to practice giving little ‘doses’ of words at a time – which is very much related to me correcting old patterns of parroting knowledge and information – and instead consider what’s of real substance for another to grasp in that moment and practice on ways to simplify it, ‘cut it up’ in pieces because this facilitates understanding.

I can then ask something back to see the level of comprehension on those bits of information, then continue with sharing aspects that I have lived, practiced or applied myself, while continuing to give space for the other person to share themselves.

Here also in hearing and listening to another, I can practice being present in my body, becoming aware of ‘who they are’ in their words and stopping the inner-chatter that can be so distracting, because one ends up not ‘hearing’ the other – this means I have to stop participating in inner conversations while hearing others and stop all expectations, assumptions, disruptive or antagonistic judgments and simply focus on the words.

These are the main points I can see for now, in general a slooowing down in communication for me would be beneficial in this kind of topics, taming the ‘ego’ that can emerge as well whenever talking about certain topics that I’ve defined as ‘my interest’ and being willing to be humble in conversation with another, to learn from them, to see where they’re ‘at’ instead of me wanting to ‘change their minds’ in one go or ‘break their paradigm’ or ‘explain it all’ in ‘one go’ – lol.

Here also looking back at those moments where I became aware of all of these bits to change, it’s cool to be able to acknowledge it – otherwise, how else would I have spotted this if I hadn’t in a way ‘messed up’ in certain conversations? I’d say it was about time that I got to write about these points, so thanks to Miranda that brought it up.

Thanks for reading

 

 

 

Supportive interviews:


  1. The Power of Listening – Reptilians – Part 334


  2. The Power of Listening (Part 2) – Reptilians – Part 335

 

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