Tag Archives: feedback

Day 28: I’m Always Right

The cycle of generating some form of conflict  and friction in our reality to then create and formulate ways to get ourselves out of it into a positive experience is the only way that we can be constantly accumulating these ‘pats of god’ (or god spats lol)  to temporarily satiate our constant yearn to be ‘fulfilled/ happy/ productive’ and yes, creating a sense of comfort out of that initial self-created beaten and won war against, well essentially only ourselves.


Self Righteous was my ‘flavor’ when it came to living out such pattern, and I am dead honest that I had not realized this until it was pointed out in my face while being at the farm and talking the point of ‘my way’ out, wherein I had deemed that my perceived ‘positive attributes’ didn’t have to be self-forgiven/ corrected, without realizing how they were in fact only generated out of the point that I now understand with more clarity: we birth ourselves as conflict that seeks the eternal completion/ fulfillment/ satisfaction as that positive experience that we have to constantly feed/ upkeep as an elusive ‘state of being’ that has lead us to co-create the current world system where ‘all your dreams can come true’ if you have enough millions in the hole-on-wall and enough needy people to do ‘whatever they can for you’ in exchange of some of your cake’s crumbs.



So – this constant desire to always be ‘right,’ of always having the ‘ultimate say’ becomes a ‘desire-to-always-win’ pattern wherein any window of opportunity is used to outshine and blind with lights of ‘I know it all’ wherein the more we believe we are ‘right,’ the harder it gets to turn off the light  – why? because all things related to instant gratification are easily consumed. It’s like offering a candy or a vegetable to a ‘regular’ person – they would mostly go for the candy because it creates a nice fluffy feeling, whereas the vegetable is cool for your digestive tract – yet it doesn’t recreate, instigate or enhance any feeling that makes us feel a little piece of heaven for a moment, only running out as the effect of any drug that we then seek to come back for more. The fact that we have equated ‘winning’ to ‘living’ is another one of those capitalistic logical statements that we have adopted as ‘our life’ – and within this, we have accepted ourselves to become our very own dictators of what is right/ wrong, good/ bad in our reality. We all run our own Wall Street in our mind and somehow we always manage to make the algorithms work on our favor – no different to how money runs (or is created out of thin air) in this world.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find fault in people, things, places, events in order to have the ‘ultimate say’ about it wherein in my mind, I either have to humbly accept that something is ‘cool’ and ‘alright’ or I get the most juice of it all by claiming that ‘it’s wrong, it’s not good enough, it’s flawed’ which proves that I only get the most winning-experience when in my mind I am able to find enough fault/ mistakes that I can judge in order to then correct them within my own mind and in that believe that ‘I can do/ be better than that, my idea was better’


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I always get the most of the cake/ the most positive reward whenever I am able to prove something/ someone wrong and in that, build my ego up based on ‘finding fault in another,’ wherein such projection can only exist if I seek to prove myself right according to what I ‘believe,’ and ‘what I am’ as an idea in my mind, because I see and realize that in physicality, we are all one and equal – bones, cells, tissue, organs, flesh don’t require to prove something or someone wrong or right in order to exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always place myself in my mind above others, wherein no matter what is being said, I cringe whenever there is something that I must admit is ‘right’ and in that, believe that I am ‘diminishing’ myself because of agreeing with another’s words/ statements, wherein because I didn’t get to ‘prove them wrong,’ I am left with my initial state of only seeking to make myself feel ‘more’ and ‘better’ based on placing myself ‘on top’ of others, which can only be a mental masturbation in my mind wherein my ‘success’ is stemming from bashing/ proving others wrong.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the very judge of everything and everyone in means of seeking ways to always make myself feel better about it all, which implies that I seek to ‘out do’ someone, ‘become better’ based on excelling in comparison to others, wherein I then live a life of constant and continuous strife to ‘always be right,’ because ‘being right’ has become the very definition of how I see myself, who I believe myself to be, because that’s the way that I have accepted and allowed myself to be worthy/ be acceptable/ be important toward others – in this


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live a life not for myself but as a constant comparison and projected judgment onto others, without realizing that within this very mechanism of me always ‘being right,’ I am in fact fearing and avoiding ‘being wrong’ at all cost, which implies that


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘diminish’ who I am as an idea – which is the only thing that can diminish of myself – when realizing that I was in fact ‘wrong’ within a particular circumstance wherein such experience is felt as a failure, as a ‘loss’ which is what generates envy and jealousy whenever we project such loss as an experience toward others that ‘got it right,’ and in that, create an entire antagonism based on only ‘me’ as my ego wanting to continue ‘winning’ all the time, wherein anyone that gets to be on the same/ similar position is seen as an enemy/ threat to who I am as the ego that is always right.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the very power-game that fuels the idea of myself in this immaculate self-righteous person that suffers and goes into the negative and self-deprecating person if that initial desire and projection as a ‘winner’ is not fulfilled wherein then I step down of the hill all the way down and below sea level, wherein I in fact remain ‘out of competition’ because of perceiving that ‘If I could not do it my way, then fuck it, I won’t play the game any more’, which is the usual way of victimizing myself wherein


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a victimized state that also requires to be kept ‘alive’ by me deliberately denying that I am capable/ able to direct myself effectively and believing that because I didn’t ‘get it right’ the first time, I just rather pass-on the point/ work/ assignment onto others that ‘have proven to do it right, ‘ which is not an unconditional move but an actual victimized state masked with ‘understanding, ‘which is stemming from the spiteful nature toward ourselves when not getting our immediate ‘fix’ of feeling ‘great’ for ‘always being right’ about something/ someone/ event.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the opposite polarity of believing that ‘I always fail at this/ I always get it wrong’ which also gets an energetic kick as an experience whenever another can confirm and commiserate to my own victimization, wherein them agreeing that I am in fact ‘fucked up,’ makes me – absurdly so – feel better, because I was able to get a confirmation from another of what I created for myself as ‘being wrong,’ which in a twisted energetic game becomes a ‘positive experience’ because I got seconded by another in my own mental delusion, proving in my mind that ‘I was right,’ which becomes then a perceived ‘fine’ experience in stagnant self-wrongness that eventually makes us feel ‘good’ as well, because we get the confirmation by others that ‘that’s who I am/ that’s ‘my nature’ and that’s what ‘I deal with,’ yet without the actual understanding of how I created such patterns for myself.



I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to only become a person of ‘good reputation’ when considering that all acts of such self-seeking positive nature support the maintenance of the money system running as the consequence of this desire to only win. Instead I see that any disagreement toward a point of common sense, can only allow myself to reflect within me ‘who am I’ while reading others’ blogs/ sharings and in that, see if I am trying to prove something wrong/ right when and while reading others words.


I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I was born out of conflict and in that, becoming Self-Righteous means that I get my satisfaction from being appraised as ‘always right,’ which is what then gets me out of my initial self-perception of being wrong and seeking to ‘be right’ wherein through obtaining the positive feedback, I build the conceptual confidence and stability based on compliments/ words/ perceptions that I believe is ‘who I am,’ therefore perceiving it as a way of accepting ‘who I am’ as ‘always being right’ at the eyes of others, creating me a flattery experience – without realizing that I am the only one that has structured this ‘rewarding game, ‘ wherein others’ expression is fitted into my own rules of the game to make them useful to fulfill my own created patterns of winning, losing, being recognized, being wronged by others, in that scheming my own inner conflict through positive and negative feedback that I have accepted and allowed to define ‘who I am.’


I realize that I have always only played all of these games in secret, within my mind wherein there is no ‘others eyes’ as judgments other than the thoughts that I constructed within myself at all times. This is then debunking the constant participation within the permanent comparison toward others to assess ‘where am I in relation to others,’ which can only exist within me existing as a value that can be more or less than others, which is ludicrous and can only be ‘real’ as the idea of self – never as who I really am as one and equal as life.


I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that what I in fact fear to self forgive is my ability to continue existing as a self-righteous person because in that, ‘who I am’ is exposed and mined wherein all that is left for me is to live without being a constant energy seeking machine to be ‘right’ at all times, but instead simply direct myself within the consideration of what’s best for all, wherein I am able to express in a self-directive manner wherein I ensure no backchat as comparison/ judgments/ self righteousness is being the starting point of my participation.


When and as I see myself assessing others using my right-o-meter as the mental ever-present judge that I’ve become, I stop and I breathe – I realize that all that I am ‘assessing’ is in fact my own mind, projecting judgments onto other which eventually  affect and disrate how I view others – in my mind – and in that be the point that hears/ sees within common sense wherein I allow myself to stand as the correction and then simply externalize it/ communicating, which is then being a supportive point to establish equal-relationships wherein no more competition, rivalry and judgment onto others as right or wrong is perpetuated.


I commit myself to stop the mechanism of me wanting to be right all the time in order to accumulate ‘props for my ego,’ wherein who I am and has been cannot be defined as knowledge/ information/ self beliefs to feed on. I move me as an assessment of what’s best for all in the moment, without over complicating the point by having to add ‘extra value’ to it –I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to adopt self-righteousness as my personal religion wherein everything I judge upon others ‘is and must be so’ because in my mind ‘I’m always right,’ which is used as a necessary crutch to cover up the initial uncertainty, mistrust, fear and self judgment that is polarized into a positive-view of reality wherein I make sure that I am always ‘winning’


I commit myself to stop all desires to always win, and in that, give myself back to myself that which I thought I had to ‘prove someone/ something’ wrong to, within this I am able to identify the points that I have separated myself from and in that, assess my application in practicality and living-reality wherein the only law of our being as equality and oneness can be the ultimate say in this reality, not knowledge.


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Day 22: Wax and Wane – Attention Seeker Spoiler

Who we are as positive/ negative feedback received upon us deliberately seeking attention reveals to what extent we have accepted and allowed ourselves to be constantly seeking an energetic reward as a feeling or emotion. Both imply self definition at a mind level wherein we become a constant bolt that goes from cathode to anode and seeking to trigger the next reaction as ‘attention from others’ in order to continue existing as a self-definition that enhances every time that any form of attention is given to self as an idea, self as a set of traits that can be either categorized as positive or negative.

 

This comes from the realization that any desire to seek attention/ obtain attention became a ‘normal’ way of living for me as a child, wherein ‘who I am’ was built and crafted according to feedback that I would assess as points wherein I could fine tune the eventual ‘idea of self’ that I wanted to fully embody for the sake of my own personal glory. I realize that at the moment we can stand equal and one to our own mind to live out the traits that we can develop/adjust/ perfect in order to fine tune ourselves within this process of equalization wherein we are in a world that we can practically assist and support with becoming the living example of how we can use or mind in order to create and implement what’s best for all, instead of using the mind to strategize ways to always win and get our positive feedback upon it, maintaining the belief that ‘who I am’ can be ‘more’ or ‘less than’ accordingly.

 

This begins with notorious points throughout childhood of how I became an attention seeker, to the opposite pole of not wanting to be recognized/ seen for the same particular traits as I had in the past and onto the point where we are here wherein attention given by others to self is only acceptable within the context of assistance and support to reference ‘who I am’ within such feedback and how I can get to see points that I might be missing out within my own application, which is how it is important to always share who we are in any given moment – if experiencing anything as ourselves in order to walk through the process of seeing its origin and walking the necessary self-correction.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to always want to be part of ‘the action’ wherever it was taking place wherein as a child I would get pissed off and mostly feel ‘left out’ if I found out I was not informed about certain activities that were going to take place, wherein anger and irritation would ensue as a form of manipulation toward my parents/ family for not letting me know about it.

 

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘the world was against me’ whenever I could not have my way and in that, justify anger as away to make my parents feel guilty and eventually try and ‘compensate Me’ for having ‘forgotten’ that I existed – which is how my mind would see the point to reinforce any perception of being unwanted, undesired and a constant nuisance for others.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately want to annoy my parents/ sisters to get their attention as I would find this as something ‘funny to do’ without realizing that I was seeking to be constantly getting an energetic experience of positivity through negative response – this means that the more they would get annoyed by me, the better ‘kick’ out of it I would receive. Within this I realize that who I was as an attention seeker was a deliberate game that I would instigate within my environment with family members in order to feel ‘good’ upon annoying them.

 

Who am I within this deliberate desire to annoy others to feel good? It is simply a desire to be constantly experiencing myself as someone that had the power to annoy another – and in that, get a positive reward for it as an energetic experience that I became defined by in order to constantly ‘keep’ this perceived spotlight upon myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel good whenever people in my environment would applaud anything that I had to say because it was apparently very ‘sensate’ and ‘mature’ for a child

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to learn that getting compliments would make me someone apparently ‘special’ and ‘unique’ as a child, wherein I would then constantly seek adult’s attention to get my positive reinforcement that would make up the sense of ‘confidence’ that was mostly built up by accumulating these positive feedback as bricks that built the ‘who I am at the eyes of others,’ which eventually had to fall as I grew up and went below zero from where I had to then put the pieces back together again after going through the exact opposite feedback upon ‘who I am within my life/ life choices’ which makes me realize that:

Every aspect that entails an energetic experience as a reinforcement toward the idea of myself as either a positive or negative way, eventually created a false idea of who I am as such positive feedback or negative feedback, that I accepted and allowed myself to ‘embody’ as ‘who I am’ wherein I got lost in the character and lost all sense of being simply here, as a physical living human being that doesn’t require a constant confirmation of ‘who I am’ as an idea, a belief, a character and persona at the eyes of others.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be deliberately extroverted as a child in order to get people – mostly adults’ attention – as I knew that this would make me ‘stand out’ from the rest and make me special, wherein everyone’s positive feedback upon my attitude, my skills, my abilities and hobbies would build up this elevated idea of ‘who I am’ as a ‘wunderkind’ wherein I then became an early inflated-ego while being around at home and within family, as opposed to the reserved, contained and sensate being that I portrayed myself to be at school during the same ages – from 5-10 more or less.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to enjoy being around adults more than kids during my childhood, because I became aware of how adults would mostly ‘praise’ the perceived maturity that I deliberately presented in order to get such positive reinforcement as the idea of ‘who I am,’ whereas with kids I was simply ‘another one’ which would not satisfy me at the level of getting this constant ‘kick’ as energy obtained from adults when receiving compliments and ‘positive feedback’ toward ‘who I am.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to in my mind believe that all I was and had to ‘be’ was this amusing persona that would always have to be entertaining others to get their attention and in that, get my positive reward similar to the rush that one gets when eating candy and then eventually wanting more of it soon after the effect is gone.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to seek a positive experience as in feeling ‘more’ than who I was every time that I would want to show something that I had made/ drawn/ crafted/ done toward my parents as a means to get their attention and reward, wherein I would get specifically irritated whenever I ‘felt’ that they were merely condescending and not really paying attention/ giving ME the attention I desired – within this

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into an immediate low end from the expected ‘positive reward’ in my mind upon showing something to my father/ mother, wherein when I perceived they were only giving positive feedback in an automated way, out of condescending and only to ‘shut me off’ to keep doing what they were doing, I would wallow in an immediate ‘low’ which would be interpreted as ‘they don’t want to see what I did/ I rather not show them what I do ever again’ which became an actual living statement wherein I stopped sharing ‘my creations’ in such an open manner out of expecting them to only give a ‘light answer’ as positive reinforcement without giving the attention that I sought from them as an actual ‘thoughtful feedback’ upon ‘what I do.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to seek to do art/ crafts in order to, in my mind, stop getting the attention as what had become a rather ‘annoying feedback’ in my mind after years of accumulating this positive feedback wherein I wanted to get rid of the ‘positive feedback’ through being able to be recognized for being more than a ‘brain that thinks,’ and in that, seeking to create art as a way to not have to articulate myself in such a thoughtful manner that could be directly judged as positive/ negative – but instead use images as another form of expanding the desire for attention without having this ‘smart/ intelligent’ suit on, as creating art could not entail a right or wrong, but only appreciating an individual expression that could not be graded the same way that words/ statements were. In this

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to see and realize that I merely went from positive to a negative/ alternative way of getting the same feedback that would still be absorbed by me as a positive/ negative reinforcement toward my ego – this means that ‘who I am’ has always been at the expense of ideas, perceptions and beliefs that I have sought to obtain for others in means of asserting ‘who I am’ as a personality/ ego which is the same game we have all agreed to collectively play, giving each other ‘props’ within the belief that ‘who we are’ can be bettered/ uplifted and/or battered/down-rated by others’ words and opinions which include my own self-talk whenever I allow such words to influence myself in any way – either positively or negatively.

 

I realize that who I am has been an energetic mind game that merely sought attention as a constant drive-thru the gas station wherein the fuel I would get from others was not really about ‘others’ but about me creating an experience upon deliberately triggering reactions from others in means of asserting and creating/ recreating the idea that I made of myself in order to have a ‘special spot’ within a dog eat dog as the eternal battle and survivalism that we have existed within the current social context that we have created within this reality.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to later on seek attention through ‘opposition’ and creating a certain ‘shock’ within my reality through using an image and specific personality in order to ‘stand out from the crowd,’ which was a different dimension from the initial childhood desire to gain attention through ‘positive means.’ This time during my teenage years, I created a personality that would draw attention in an attempt to create a ‘rift’ within a ‘perfected world’ wherein my cautiously crafted ‘disruption’ could get any form of negative reaction/ remark that would function in a similar way to getting a kick out of any positive feedback.

 

Within this I realize how I have gone from pole-to-pole to essentially live out the same energy that I created from assessing others’ reactions, words, feedback upon myself as a constant confirmation that ‘I’ exist as a specific personality, which is and has become an essential human-mind trait in order to keep ourselves ‘enhancing’ our ego through either positive or negative feedback, without realizing that who we really are is neither of both.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever feel ‘good’ about getting positive feedback and feel ‘bad’ about getting negative feedback without realizing that with me taking others words as a positive/ negative reinforcement to ‘who I am’ as a personality is only me accepting and allowing myself to be a set of positive and negative traits, instead of taking the words as points or considerations that I can take on as mere assistance and support to see where I can align myself to a best for all scenario wherein no ‘feeling good/ superior’ is ensued by positive feedback and not ‘feeling low/ inferior’ is ensued by negative feedback. I realize that feedback is simply a point of referencing me through others wherein there is no right and wrong, but only point that I can be missing to see within myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire ‘asserting’ myself as existing within others’ lives/ worlds as a point of positive-incentive to ‘keep going’ within my life throughout the years, without realizing that within living as the constant expectation of getting the attention as the ‘reward’ for everything I do/say is only existing as an idea waiting to be uplifted or opposed to generate an equally fool-filling experience at a mind level to remain as the constricted version of ‘who I am’ as a set of values within words/ judgments, ideas, beliefs and perceptions of ‘who I am at the eyes of others,’ which implies separating myself from being such other eyes and realizing that I cannot possibly wax and wane according to words, I can only assert myself as living words that I and everyone else can live as a realization of who we really are and what is in fact supportive to adopt and implement in a practical way within our reality.

 

I see, realize and understand that an ‘attention seeker’ is only a dimension of self-created desire to continue asserting myself as an idea, which is deliberately instigating positive or negative feedback in order to get the necessary reinforcement at an ego-level, which is the entire mind construction that I have to walk to understand How I have created myself as these patterns that have not supported me to live effectively and coexist with other beings in a particular environment.

I see and realize that I can direct such attention back to myself whenever I see myself having any desire to get attention from others in order to see where and how I am still seeking for validation from others’ in order to continue assenting the ‘who I am’ as an ego, instead of actually stopping in the moment and letting go of the desire to get my ‘quick energetic fix’ by getting any positive or negative feedback which results in an experience within myself.

 

I commit myself to stop myself whenever I see myself deliberately wording myself out in order to get the attention that I see and realize I must give back to myself to see the relationship that I have created in such moment toward the person/ environment in which such desire and/or reaction emerges within my world.

 

I commit myself to expose how it is that a child becomes a rather constant attention seeker if being overloaded with positive reinforcement, no different to inflating balloons with hot air that eventually have to descend down to earth due to such ‘flying high’ not being sustainable as a living, constant reality of who I am.

 

When and as I see myself seeking validation from others toward what I say/ do – I stop and I breathe – I realize that only an ego can seek validation from another mind as egos feeding each other, instead of unconditionally taking another’s words as points of support to allow myself to expand beyond ‘feeing the idea of self’ wherein expansion ensues a point of self-realization to see where and how I have created a relationship toward such point of reaction in either  positive or negative way, in order to equalize myself as all that is here to no longer require to exist as an energetic-feedback requiring machine, but as a living-breathing-walking human being that can simply coexist in a physical way wherein feedback can only be a means to perfect and optimize our living application.

 

“Incentive – Inner sense initiative – transforming incentive into a living self-directive principled action, where one’s inner sense / commonsense initiate oneself into immediate action/change/living of self in a moment when commonsense is realised – and so incentive becomes like a momentary blast of life that sets one off into an explosion of commonsense living action – no more waiting/postponing living, and getting it done – so, get the incentive of self as life – get to commonsense living through writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application – no more waiting for change, but in fact living the change as self” Sunette Spies

 

 

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